1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:05,360 Hello and welcome to the Cosmic Nomad. 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,040 I'm your host, Bailey Rushlow, and this is a space for the 3 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:12,920 curious and the heart lead where we explore the human experience 4 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:16,400 through travel, nature, spirituality, and real life 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,800 transformation through beautiful conversations. 6 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:24,320 As I discover my way of living what I call an inspired life, I 7 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,040 share the practices, stories, and perspectives that have 8 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:32,119 helped guide me back to myself. In today's episode, we're going 9 00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:35,800 to talk about what it really means to become your own home, 10 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:40,840 not just in theory, but in practices, exploring the 11 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:46,120 difference between loneliness and aloneness and the liberation 12 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,800 that comes with no longer waiting to be chosen. 13 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,200 Thank you so much for joining me. 14 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:59,320 Hi, coming at you live from a very cute little town outside of 15 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,880 London. Until this point, you've been 16 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:06,480 listening to me record these episodes from my home in Mexico, 17 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:11,080 my little Cassita. And now we've taken the cosmic 18 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:15,560 nomad on the road. And I think that is so exciting 19 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:19,840 because that really is the spirit of the cosmic nomad is 20 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:23,360 that I, I can be where my feet are, you know, I don't have to 21 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:27,920 just be in one place. And I love that it is a bright 22 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:32,280 and sunny day here, absolutely beautiful, perfect weather. 23 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:38,080 The days are really long, like the sun is finally down and the 24 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:42,840 sky is finally getting dark around like 10/10/30 and the sun 25 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,480 is up and birds are chirping by like 430. 26 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,240 So really short nights, really long days. 27 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,920 But it is mid June so that's to be expected. 28 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:56,720 Just had the summer solstice, the longest day of the year last 29 00:01:56,720 --> 00:02:00,400 week. So yeah, it's a it's a 30 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,880 beautiful, beautiful time. Everyone is a little bit happier 31 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:10,960 here and I'm house sitting this beautiful home and really, 32 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,200 really cute dog. And every time I take him for a 33 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,080 walk into town, he makes everyone that he runs into smile 34 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:21,480 and it makes me smile because they're smiling and I love it. 35 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,880 Get ready for today's episode, whatever that looks like for 36 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,560 you. Maybe you're driving or you're 37 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,360 walking your dog, making everyone smile in town. 38 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:35,160 Maybe you're just at home, chilling, relaxing, whatever it 39 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:41,120 is, let's just align our energies like together by taking 40 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:45,040 a deep breath. Inhale with me, hold it at the 41 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,000 top of the breath and exhale slowly. 42 00:02:47,600 --> 00:03:03,180 Let's do it. We're going to start today's 43 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:07,340 episode off with a little bit of a metaphor. 44 00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:11,180 I want you to just visualize this journey with me. 45 00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:14,540 Imagine what it would look like in your own mind. 46 00:03:16,260 --> 00:03:21,720 So imagine that there's a girl trapped in a tower, just like 47 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:26,880 the fairy tales she's been told since birth, that someday 48 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,040 someone would come and rescue her. 49 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:37,440 A Prince, saviour, somebody that just would choose her fully. 50 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,680 If she waits, she prays, she dreams, she looks out the window 51 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:50,000 every day and time goes by. People pass, but nobody stops. 52 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:57,000 Until 1 stormy evening many years later. 53 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:03,800 The wind is howling and the lightning strikes and she 54 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:10,440 stumbles over something hidden beneath the floorboards, a small 55 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:14,560 rested key. Her heart starts to race. 56 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:19,279 She turns it over in her hands as her hands begin to tremble, 57 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:28,040 and she tries it in the door, and it fits, and she realizes 58 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,680 that the door was never locked from the outside. 59 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:38,040 She had the key all along, but no one ever told her to look 60 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:42,160 within. This metaphor might feel like 61 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,280 one you've seen before. You know, Rapunzel, a lot of 62 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:52,840 Disney Princess movies of being programmed to believe that one 63 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:56,760 day our worth will be confirmed by someone else's arrival. 64 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:03,520 We see it in our fairy tales. We see it in religion. 65 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:09,240 Without the Prince coming for you, you will stay in that tower 66 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:13,960 forever. We're fed this idea that the the 67 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:19,600 fulfilment that we wish for is not something we can give 68 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,920 ourselves. It's something outside of us. 69 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:25,000 It's something far away from us. It's something that we have to 70 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:31,040 wait long enough for and in the meantime be good enough, holy 71 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:36,440 enough, pretty enough, deserving enough for someone to come along 72 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,280 and finally make us feel whole, right? 73 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:42,680 But the truth is that the the longer we stay in that castle, 74 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:48,560 the longer we stay in the tower or in that waiting room, we are 75 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,720 just disconnecting from our own power. 76 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:59,880 This energy taught us how to chase and not how to choose. 77 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:08,760 And the cost of that is that we lost our ability to be with 78 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,640 ourselves in a deeply nourishing way. 79 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:18,720 And also not saying that love from others is not beautiful and 80 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:20,200 necessary like it is. We. 81 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,400 We are created as relational beings. 82 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,600 We are meant to love and be loved. 83 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:36,360 But when we live in a constant state of longing, it's like 84 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,320 we've been taught to outsource our wholeness, you know? 85 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:45,960 And you are the longest relationship you will ever have 86 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:51,160 in returning to yourself again and again. 87 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:56,720 It's sacred. And the more that we remember 88 00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:01,000 that, the less that we need someone else to come and save 89 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,160 us. I also find it deeply 90 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:12,000 fascinating that the Abrahamic religions shape nearly 2/3 of 91 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:18,240 the world's population. And from a very young age, many 92 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:22,040 of us are taught to outsource our worth, especially in these 93 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,800 religious systems where we are taught that there is a God 94 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,800 outside of us. I've touched on this before. 95 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:32,120 I think episode 4, we did a deep dive into this, but I'm just 96 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,560 bringing it full circle again because it's so important. 97 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,120 We're taught that there's a God outside of us that is watching 98 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:44,120 us, that is judging us, that's deciding if we are worthy of 99 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:48,640 love or salvation based on our actions, based on our 100 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,320 performance, based on how we show up. 101 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:57,480 We're told that if we are good enough, obedient enough, 102 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:01,920 selfless enough, we might be chosen, we might be saved, we 103 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:05,560 might be loved. But not now, not as not as we 104 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:09,080 are, not in this body, not with these desires, not with these 105 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:14,280 doubts and questions in this belief system, whether we are 106 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:22,440 raised in it or simply influenced by it and colonized 107 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:30,680 way more than just land. It colonized the mind and our 108 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,720 nervous system and our sense of self. 109 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:38,919 And it planted the seed that someone else has the final say 110 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,520 over your life. And the authority lives outside 111 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:46,000 of you. And autonomy is not real or it's 112 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,800 selfish. And then you're judged for being 113 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:53,040 selfish. When you choose to be the voice 114 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,440 of authority in your life and you stop outsourcing it, then 115 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,040 you're judged for that. It's like you're judged no 116 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,440 matter what you do, right? And this kind of programming, it 117 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:06,000 doesn't just affect your spirituality. 118 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:11,360 It affects your relationships and your sense of purpose and 119 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:17,040 your ability to trust yourself, your ability to choose yourself, 120 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:29,120 to believe that joy and pleasure and love and autonomy is not 121 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:34,320 something that you have to earn. You don't need permission to 122 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:39,720 come home to yourself. When I speak about religion in 123 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,480 this way, I am also speaking from a personal perspective. 124 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:50,360 I'm not just coming at this from a uninformed, misinformed, 125 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:54,000 misguided perspective of, of judgement. 126 00:09:54,680 --> 00:10:00,400 I'm coming at it from a healed perspective of having believed 127 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:05,400 in this way for over 20 years of my life. 128 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:09,000 It was the blueprint I was given for life. 129 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:15,760 It was the the fundamental lens through which I saw the world 130 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:23,120 well into my 20s. And So what I see from this is 131 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:28,200 that it has created an epidemic of disconnection. 132 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:36,000 And it shows up in very curious ways, like people who do not 133 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:40,880 trust themselves because we are always looking to gurus, 134 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:46,800 leaders, priests, pastors, partners, systems, etcetera to 135 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,920 tell us what is true. Because we weren't taught how to 136 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,840 trust ourselves. We were given a book with all 137 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,040 the answers. We weren't allowed to be 138 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:59,160 curious. Curiosity was stamped out of us 139 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:00,640 at a young age. And even if you weren't 140 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,560 religious, you still experienced this in different ways, maybe 141 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:06,000 through your school system, maybe through peer pressure, 142 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,480 maybe through society, maybe through movies and media, right? 143 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:13,840 You, you still experienced not trusting yourself in some 144 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,720 capacity and looking outside of yourself for answers. 145 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,960 And I also see this, this culture of people pleasing and 146 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,520 perfectionism that's so deeply rooted in the fear of being 147 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:34,720 unworthy or unlovable as we are. I've also noticed this epidemic 148 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:39,960 of burnout because we have been taught to perform for love and 149 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:46,200 to just sacrifice ourself in the name of keeping other people 150 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:53,440 happy and keeping the dysfunction alive in our world 151 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,720 in different capacities. Maybe that's in your job, in 152 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,520 your relationships, in your families, etcetera. 153 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:08,640 Our relationships are built on dependency, codependency, not 154 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,280 interdependence, and autonomy and sovereignty because we 155 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,360 search for someone to complete us. 156 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,480 Our bodies that do so much from for us. 157 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:26,440 Our first homes, they've been abandoned because we were told 158 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:31,840 they were sinful and shameful rather than sacred and 159 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:37,440 intelligent. And there's this widespread fear 160 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:47,120 of emotion, desire, intuition, these things that make us human. 161 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,880 We have this innate distrust of them. 162 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:57,320 The programming trains us to believe that our truth is 163 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:03,280 dangerous, that our love must be earned, that our sovereignty is 164 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:09,240 rebellion. And I don't think the antidote 165 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:15,160 is just looking further and continuing to seek this external 166 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:20,080 validation or looking for for love or looking for the voice 167 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,760 that's going to tell you the right thing to do outside of 168 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:27,680 yourself. It is reconnection to the body, 169 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:34,400 to the truth, to our inner voice, and knowing that we were 170 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,200 never even separate to begin with. 171 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:40,360 We simply were given a program, just like a computer program. 172 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:44,640 We were literally given one as children. 173 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,720 And we watch that play out in our lives. 174 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:52,680 We watch that guide us and we wonder, why do I keep doing the 175 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,680 same thing? Why do I keep ending up these 176 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,320 relationships? Why do I keep ending up in the 177 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,320 same patterns? Why do I keep creating this 178 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,880 destruction for myself? I'm speaking from personal 179 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:05,960 experience here. And when we can, when we can ask 180 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:13,240 these questions and look deeper within without judgement, just 181 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:23,080 curiosity, we begin the descent down the spiral into ourselves, 182 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:29,160 observing our inner landscape. Have you ever noticed that so 183 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:34,040 much of our culture in the spiritual world, in the 184 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:41,000 religious mindset and the new age spirituality, it's obsessed 185 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,800 with the ascension, It's obsessed with well, in the 186 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,440 afterlife, this is what's going to happen. 187 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:50,840 Or I'm going to get to heaven or I'm going to transcend the body 188 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,840 and I'm going to end up in the 5th dimension, right. 189 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:59,160 It's like so much of this talk is all saying the same thing. 190 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:06,920 It's it's surpassing, it's bypassing this experience, this 191 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:15,760 body, this voice, this process, rather than being in it and 192 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:21,320 descending into it. It's trying to just get to the 193 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:26,080 other side, get to the end of the journey where there's peace 194 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:33,680 or there's heaven or there's a saviour waiting for us, and then 195 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,680 we will feel this sense of completion. 196 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,480 If we can just transcend all this, then we'll get to that. 197 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:46,600 And I find that so, so sad because I spent a lot of my life 198 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:52,920 like that. And this information can be 199 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:59,440 packaged and repackaged over and over again in different ways 200 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,600 with different words, with different vocabulary, with 201 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,360 different people saying it. Because I used to believe this 202 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:08,880 way in Christianity where I was like hardcore into how many 203 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,560 people can I get to believe in God? 204 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,760 How many people can I convert, you know, as one day I will be 205 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,080 in heaven. That was just that was that was 206 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:20,400 the plan. And then I deconstructed all of 207 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,000 that. And then I found New Age 208 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,640 movement and spirituality, which made so much sense to me because 209 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:32,120 it touches on so many real things, but it's also just a 210 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:37,440 repackaged, repurposed version of what I came from already and 211 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:41,160 took me a long time to see that. It's interesting how these 212 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:46,640 belief systems wear different costumes, but the core narrative 213 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:50,960 is the same. You must transcend yourself to 214 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:56,800 become worthy. And I think what's worse is that 215 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:04,319 salvation is sold as something that you earn through purity and 216 00:17:04,319 --> 00:17:08,800 performance and perfection. And whether it's sin or shame in 217 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:14,040 the religious sense, or it's like low vibration or you're not 218 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:18,960 manifesting right in in the spiritual New Age sense, it is 219 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:25,200 still just spiritual capitalism dressing up as truth. 220 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:34,960 And the tragedy of it to me is that literally bypassing our 221 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:38,680 self, our body, our connection, this reality, this moment, this 222 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:44,960 experience, this human time that we're alive, this spiritual 223 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:49,800 bypassing has kept us disconnected from what is real, 224 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:57,440 like the breath in our lungs and the soil beneath our feet and, 225 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:04,360 and the cyclical wisdom of our bodies and the sacredness of 226 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:12,280 being right here, right now. And I think that's the whole 227 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:18,800 point of what we're doing is to come home to ourselves, to be 228 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:23,680 able to see through all the different perspectives that the 229 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:27,080 world tries to give us. The culture and religion and all 230 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,800 these things try to to force us to look through these different 231 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:37,000 lenses and we're able to take them all off and just be here. 232 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:43,640 And I think the heaven that we're all searching for in some 233 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:53,480 way, the connection, it's found in participation with life, in 234 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:59,120 presence, in pleasure. It's not something you have to 235 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,520 earn or that you have to find your way to. 236 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:09,360 A big one for me that I am still deconstructing, still comes up 237 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:18,360 for me, is that I when I'm useful, then I will be loved. 238 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:25,160 My value so often in life has come from being needed, not 239 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:32,480 necessarily from being known. I've been the caretaker of my 240 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:37,960 siblings, of parents, of friends, emotionally, deeply, 241 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,240 being the one who was there for others, who kept the peace. 242 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:50,520 And you know, I didn't know it at the time, but I was learning 243 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:55,080 a pattern that love is something you earn. 244 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,000 It's it's something you perform for. 245 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:02,760 And if you stop performing, it might disappear. 246 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:07,400 You might be alone. You might be without love, you 247 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:13,200 might be separated from love, which really makes you look 248 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:17,400 closely. Why we believe we can be 249 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:22,520 separated from love. So back to the main point. 250 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:28,600 For so many of us, especially if we have been raised on those 251 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:32,040 fairy tales or religion or codependent family systems, 252 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:37,680 there is a subconscious belief that someone will eventually 253 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:42,760 come and rescue us from the discomfort, from the void, from 254 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,640 that hard thing, from the decision. 255 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:52,520 But the truth is, no one is coming to save us. 256 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,560 No one is coming to save you. No, no one was coming to save 257 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,000 me. And weirdly enough, I'm really 258 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,920 grateful for that. Because when we internalize 259 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:08,320 that, we stop outsourcing. We stop waiting to be chosen and 260 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:13,440 fixed and healed and validated by somebody or something else. 261 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,640 And I'm not talking about hyper independence. 262 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:22,400 I'm talking about this sense of inner sovereignty, inner 263 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:26,880 authority, inner autonomy. And refuse these words a lot the 264 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:32,440 last 20 minutes. But I I love planting them in 265 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,720 the vocabulary because I want you to take them with you. 266 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:41,680 You know, there was a moment in my life a few years ago when I 267 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:47,160 had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. 268 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:54,040 A choice that meant walking away from something familiar, 269 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:59,600 something that had shaped me because I knew that staying 270 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:09,160 would mean abandoning myself. It was like a quiet revolution 271 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:14,920 in my soul that said no more denying my truth to keep the 272 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:19,160 peace of this situation, no more shrinking to make others 273 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,480 comfortable, no more shape shifting to keep the dysfunction 274 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,040 alive. And choosing myself in that 275 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:30,600 moment changed everything. Literally everything. 276 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:36,240 And it was not easy. It came with so much grief and 277 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:43,640 so much uncertainty and deep waves of self doubt, but it also 278 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:50,560 came with my freedom, because for the first time I was not 279 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,760 waiting for someone else to come save me. 280 00:22:55,560 --> 00:23:02,040 And I realized that I really had been the one I was waiting for 281 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:07,200 all along. And I realized this a little bit 282 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:11,240 cryptic, but the details don't really matter right now of the 283 00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,920 story. Plus it's not entirely my story 284 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,160 to tell. There were many people involved 285 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:23,080 and I can only share the truth from my perspective when all of 286 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,120 their perspectives are also important. 287 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,440 Maybe there will be a time and place someday where it can be 288 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:34,520 shared, but for now, just believe me when I say that I'm 289 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:40,400 speaking from experience in this and my life has not been the 290 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,880 same since. There's a term called self 291 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:49,520 sourcing, which essentially means being the place that you 292 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:53,760 can come home to. Not because you have to do 293 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:59,400 everything alone, but because you know the difference between 294 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,960 needing support and outsourcing your power. 295 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:06,320 You know the difference between validating your emotions instead 296 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,480 of shaming them. You know the difference between 297 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:14,600 asking what do I need right now and actually listening versus 298 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,920 bypassing it and distracting yourself. 299 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:25,480 You know how to notice a trigger and stay with yourself through 300 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,320 that trigger. That is self sourcing. 301 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,360 And I remember hearing that for the first time and going, whoa, 302 00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:35,320 whoa, whoa. I don't like that because I 303 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:39,720 don't want to just be lonely. That sounds, that sounds really 304 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:43,120 lonely. I need, I would like to have at 305 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:46,760 least some support like some, some people in my corner, you 306 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:49,200 know, And of course we do, like I said in the beginning, we're 307 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:51,600 relational beings. We're creative relationship. 308 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:57,400 We're created to be able to connect and console and be 309 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:02,360 empathetic with and create beautiful dynamics that bring 310 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:05,920 life to each other. And that is not that is 311 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,120 different than what we're talking about. 312 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:12,560 We're talking about being alone is the state of being with 313 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:18,000 yourself. Loneliness is the ache of 314 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:22,680 disconnection, not just from yourself, but also from others, 315 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,480 right? And we can be surrounded by 316 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:29,600 people and still feel lonely. We can also be in solitude and 317 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:33,240 feel deeply connected and even joyful. 318 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:40,960 Building belonging from within means that you have made your 319 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:44,080 body a place that you want to be. 320 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:49,000 There is no need to distract because you've cultivated 321 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:55,840 presence and play and self trust and acceptance and you recognize 322 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:57,760 your inner voice without running from it. 323 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:03,200 After that big decision and, and everything that happened in my 324 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,400 world that was really, really challenging that I just 325 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:15,240 referenced, I went to Mexico and I was alone for the first time 326 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,640 in my life. Like alone, alone. 327 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,880 Like I didn't know anyone. I didn't even speak the same 328 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,440 language, right. I had no friends. 329 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:27,560 I knew no one there. I went to a place where no one 330 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:33,640 knew me so I could meet myself. And of course I did meet people 331 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:36,400 and I did go on adventures and I did have fun. 332 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:40,800 I did actually meet my current partner of of five years this 333 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:45,360 year that we've been together. We met on that journey of my 334 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:50,000 solo exploration of, of myself and rediscovering my voice for 335 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:56,560 what felt like the first time. And I'm so grateful for that 336 00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:05,320 time in my aloneness because I found the rituals that guided me 337 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:09,000 back to myself, which is a huge part of what this podcast has 338 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:15,520 been about. It gave me the space to discover 339 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:21,360 things that were important to me outside of the dysfunctional 340 00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:24,920 world that I had just emerged from. 341 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:32,480 It gave me the ability to hear my voice, to trust my voice, to 342 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:36,560 listen to my intuition, to become more connected to my 343 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:40,280 cyclical nature as a woman, as a person, as a human. 344 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:46,680 And in this journey of learning how to self source, it doesn't 345 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:50,160 mean that you never ask for help. 346 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,000 It doesn't mean that you're doing life without connection. 347 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:59,840 When we source from ourselves, we enter relationships with more 348 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:06,960 capacity, with more clarity. So yeah, I just extend the 349 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:12,360 question to you. What parts of you are you still 350 00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:18,400 outsourcing to someone else? Some questions that I have asked 351 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:25,200 myself are where do I still crave being chosen and by whom? 352 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:33,360 What part of me feels unworthy, unless someone else mirrors it 353 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:38,400 back to me? Where am I outsourcing my 354 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:41,520 creativity? Where am I outsourcing my 355 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:45,000 intuition? If you feel personally triggered 356 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,280 by any of these questions, please realize that I'm asking 357 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:54,040 them from my own experience. I literally outsource my 358 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:57,440 intuition a lot. I outsource my creativity a lot. 359 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:01,040 I look for validation in all kinds of places. 360 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:05,200 If this is triggering you, amazing, because it's showing 361 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:11,320 you something in you that is resonating and that goes maybe 362 00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:14,200 that's true for me too. If it's true for Bailey, maybe 363 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:18,720 it's true for me, right? In no part of this am I pointing 364 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,640 a finger at you being like you need to fix this about yourself. 365 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:27,760 I'm sharing how this is for me. There have been so many times 366 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:32,360 that I have waited for someone else to make it OK for me to be 367 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,360 who I am. Whether that was a a parent or 368 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:42,720 partner, even my audience. Where in your life are you still 369 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:52,240 waiting to be saved or affirmed or given permission, and what 370 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:56,920 would happen and what would shift if you gave it to 371 00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:02,400 yourself? You need to be witnessed and 372 00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:10,280 loved and remembered by the person who knows you best, which 373 00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:17,040 is you. And if you think that's not 374 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:21,480 really true for me, that's not me, I don't know me best, then 375 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:25,720 maybe this is an invitation to get to know yourself in a way 376 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:35,240 that you would like someone else to know you because you are the 377 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:40,680 one you've been waiting for. You are that person locked in 378 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:44,960 the tower that's not actually locked in the tower. 379 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:51,280 You're just there, stumbling across the key, trembling 380 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:55,200 fingers seeing if it will work in the door. 381 00:30:56,120 --> 00:31:03,760 And to your surprise and excitement, the door unlocks and 382 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:12,640 you realize it was me all along. I've been waiting for something 383 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:17,480 outside of me that most likely would never come because there 384 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:21,840 was never anything to be waiting for but yourself. 385 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:32,840 As we return to our home, to our body, to the voice of our soul, 386 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:39,920 to our inner landscape, with curiosity instead of shame, 387 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:47,880 instead of fear, we become interested in our health. 388 00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:53,440 Out of love. Not out of desperation of trying 389 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:58,960 to fix what's wrong, but out of curiosity for the information 390 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:04,400 our body is giving us about what it's processing, what we're 391 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:09,760 moving through. We feel our emotions with wonder 392 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:13,160 when we get triggered by something or jealous of someone, 393 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:17,400 or some old wound comes up and we react in a certain way. 394 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:25,640 It is an invitation to us to observe with grace, with 395 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:32,760 intrigue, with interest. Why did I respond like that? 396 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,640 Why did I react that way? What's going on on a deeper 397 00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:43,000 level instead of with judgement and harassment and punishment? 398 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:46,160 That we weren't enough, that we didn't act right, That we didn't 399 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,080 respond right, That we didn't feel. 400 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:53,760 No, we don't do that anymore. We don't have to. 401 00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:58,520 We never had to. But so often we were trained 402 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:06,560 that our safety is within this construct of how we behave and 403 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:11,520 how well we act for everyone else's benefit. 404 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:19,120 How well you can abandoned yourself, how well you can quiet 405 00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:22,280 your own voice and your own intuition to the benefit of 406 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:25,680 others around you. Whether that's the system, 407 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:29,320 whether that's your family, whether that's friends, 408 00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:33,320 partners, lovers, kids, etcetera. 409 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:38,800 There comes a point when enough is just enough. 410 00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:46,960 And when we truly look at ourselves and our heart and our 411 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:51,960 bodies and we say, I don't want to play the game like this 412 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:55,240 anymore. I just want to come home. 413 00:33:56,280 --> 00:34:00,600 I'm tired. I'm going to come home to 414 00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,680 myself. I'm going to be that person that 415 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:11,040 I always needed. Not out of performance, not out 416 00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:17,199 of trying to prove something, simply out of being here now. 417 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:24,440 So I leave you today with this closing statement. 418 00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:29,440 Mantras that you can take with you through your day, through 419 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:34,199 your days, through your life. I am the one I've been waiting 420 00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:39,239 for. I return to myself again and 421 00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:41,280 again. I am home. 422 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:48,320 I am not waiting, I am choosing. I am becoming. 423 00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:53,880 Someone told me once that if you need help visualizing the person 424 00:34:53,880 --> 00:35:00,640 that you're becoming, imagine who you would have felt safe 425 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:04,280 with as a child. Who are they? 426 00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:07,880 How do they act? How is their energy? 427 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:14,200 Because most likely there's someone grounded, oriented to 428 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:18,760 peace. They easily communicate things 429 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:25,240 in a way that makes sense. They have a connection to their 430 00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:31,480 body, to their voice, to their truth, to their stories in a way 431 00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:37,120 that made you as a kid, or would have made you as a kid feel safe 432 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:42,040 in your own voice, in your own stories and your own 433 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:47,680 sovereignty. Maybe that sparks a mental image 434 00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:51,840 for you, not of someone you have to go out and now try to become 435 00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:59,600 simply as a return to you. Who are you? 436 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:04,120 Thanks for joining me in this journey. 437 00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:09,960 I hope some piece of today's talk impacts you. 438 00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:13,880 Something you can take with you, something you can share with 439 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:15,680 someone else that can maybe impact them. 440 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:18,560 Let's create a whole ripple effect of just returning people 441 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:25,400 to themselves, right? Breaking out of the system and 442 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:35,040 coming home because they would not try so hard at every turn to 443 00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:40,000 disconnect you if there wasn't something really powerful about 444 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:45,240 you being connected. Really intentional about you 445 00:36:46,720 --> 00:36:50,440 speaking from your soul. Because that's where the real 446 00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:53,880 power is. And it's yours for the taking. 447 00:36:54,720 --> 00:36:59,640 It's yours for the embodying. It's yours for the living. 448 00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:04,440 So enjoy it. There is nowhere else to be but 449 00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:09,320 right here, right now. Thank you for joining me today 450 00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:11,840 from my little room in sunny England. 451 00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:17,040 Wishing you all of the love and the joy in your world today. 452 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:19,760 I hope you have moments of synchronicities that you could 453 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:21,760 not have anticipated or expected. 454 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:24,680 Things that just knock your socks off stuff, money that just 455 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:28,120 shows up in your account. People that just bless you with 456 00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:30,720 stuff that you could not have anticipated. 457 00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:35,240 Opportunities for you to bless people in a way that feels so 458 00:37:35,240 --> 00:37:40,000 aligned and so natural to your state of being that you get 459 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,120 excited about when you get to do it again. 460 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:46,480 If you enjoyed this episode and you have been enjoying my 461 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:50,920 podcast, thank you so much. If you want to go deeper, I 462 00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:55,560 would highly recommend you checking out my Patreon where 463 00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:59,280 I've been recording monthly meditations, behind the scenes, 464 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:01,400 photos of my life and adventures, stuff that I'm not 465 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:03,080 sharing on Instagram or anywhere else. 466 00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:08,480 And it's a great opportunity for us to collaborate to make it 467 00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:11,840 possible for me to be able to continue creating and recording 468 00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:14,880 and sharing my thoughts and insights and stories from my 469 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:18,360 life and this capacity. So if you're interested in that, 470 00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:21,520 the link is down below in the show notes. 471 00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:26,160 I wish you a wonderful day. I send you off with so much love 472 00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:33,000 and empowerment to choose you. Thank you so much for taking the 473 00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:36,480 time to be here with me today, for listening, for sharing this 474 00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:39,640 space. And if today's episode spoke to 475 00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:43,080 something in you, please feel free to share it with a friend 476 00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:47,000 who you think would also resonate and or leave a review. 477 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:50,520 It helps more than you know. I'll be back next Tuesday with 478 00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:54,800 another episode, and until then, open heart, open mind. 479 00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:55,920 Stay curious.