Hey there. It's Melissa.
Brunetti and welcome to the mind your own Karma podcast.
Either Karma crew. Welcome to another episode of
mind. Your own Karma.
The adoption Chronicles. Today, I have a return guest
season 2 episode 12 and 13. I had Rick feltner on the show
telling his adoption story. He was put in foster care at two
years old. And the rumors he was hearing
was because he had been abused. He was later adopted out of
Foster. ER care.
But at the age of 16 he found his biological family with the
help of his adoptive mom and even though he had met his
biological maternal side of the family, he still had a lot of
unanswered questions. That was just eating at him.
And so he sent for his records from the foster care system and
over seven or eight months, was able to get his information.
So this is kind of an update episode of what he found.
Found out in the paperwork, from the foster care system.
I would like to warn you. There is talk of child abuse in
this episode. Here is the update on Rick
feltner. So we're welcoming Rick
Faulkner. Back to the show today.
Welcome Back, Rick. Hi Melissa.
How are you? I'm great.
I hope you're good too. So last time you were on the
show, you were trying to get some more information from the
foster care system. And about why you were
relinquished because you won't relinquish till you were like
two years old. Right.
And you've heard some stories about maybe why, but you didn't
really know the truth. And so you were kind of seeking
that can you give us a brief reminder, how you ended up in
foster care and eventually adopted?
Yeah. So and that was so my mother is
mentally ill and so she had a hard time having that motherly
Instinct beating holding a child All things of that nature.
And so, you know, that was kind of recognized at the hospital at
Birth, but they discharged us because my grandmother was there
the whole time and my mom was living with her mom.
My grandmother and so you know, as long as my mother was going
to be at my grandmother's here and I was going to be in my
grandmother's care and so I believe at some point, my mother
submitted herself to some type of Mental Health.
Scylla T and I believe that's why the state got involved
again. Or got involved the first time
to, you know, kind of check on me, and how I was being taken
care of, and things like that. Seemed court documents, prior to
getting the DCFS documents that I just got that had indicated,
DCFS, had assigned assign someone to kind of, teach my
mother parenting skills, things like that, and it had indicated
that my mother. What Reese Up to anything
either. She wasn't capable or not
willing, to take the advice of the caregiver instructor or
whatever. That title was, I still never
really knew since my grandmother and my grandfather were there,
why I was actually at that home. And so you know that was always
a big question mark for me if I had biological family that was
still taking care of me my grandmother.
Then, you know, why was it such an issue that my mom?
It's mental health, you know, had me removed from the home.
Yeah. And so I kind of got some of
those answers Can you briefly, share how you found your
biological family after you were adopted?
Yeah. So I met my biological mother
and grandparents, and aunts, and uncles, and all that.
On my maternal side, when I was 16, and it was actually from a
huge help from my adopted mother purse, and she had the doctor
that she worked for request. My birth information from the
hospital that I was born at. And they sent that it had my
mother's name on it and had my wow, there a name on it.
They had their address. Wow was still there address. 16
years later and so mother had my adopted mother wrote to my
grandparents explain who she was and that I was interested in
meeting them. I knew nothing about any of
this. It was all kind of stemmed from
problems. I was having at school and I met
with the school, counselor, who at also adopted children And and
was more open to finding birth parents and stuff.
And so we had a meeting with the counselor and I think he kind of
convince them that this would be good for me to, you know, have
some answers. And so my mom took that upon
herself and basically about my biological mother, well, about
my biological grandparents. My mother was in a mental
facility at the time but so I had no idea.
She flutters have been written to the hospital to my
grandparents. I was out running errands with
my adopted dad. We're hanging out in town, got
home, and my mom's on the phone, and she says, oh, hold on a
minute. Here he is.
And hands me the phone and says, it's your grandma and assuming
it was her mother. Yeah, you know, I'm like a
grandma. The other end is like, oh my
gosh, Ricky. We thought we'd never talk to
you again and let it have died. Hey, you know, in tears, you
know, that she's talking to me and I'm like, wait a minute,
this isn't? Yeah, this isn't the Emma, I
know, right? So yeah.
So that was, that's how I met my biological family.
At least on the maternal side. On my father's side was several
years later, so you had a lot of questions surrounding how you
ended up in foster care because you were saying, you know, I had
relatives that could take care of me.
So what happened? So like most adoptees, you want
to know what happened in the first place that I, you know,
was relinquished. So when you were on the show a
few months back you had sent for the records.
So, can you update us on the status, if anything, that you
are able to find out? Yeah, maybe six or seven months
which seemed like an eternity. Yeah.
In Ewa annoyed there's a law that was passed.
I don't remember how long ago but fairly recently the L
annoyed Freedom of Information Act which allows adoptees to
have access to their case File information or DCFS and state.
Involvement, there's a process you have to go through.
Who fill out some paperwork and it notarized.
Send it to there's a go-between agency called the Midwest
adoption center. That's kind of the go-between
between DCFS and adoptees. And so, they're the ones that
handle it. They have to sign your
caseworker. Apparently, they have a very
heavy load DCFS. Actually find your paperwork,
you know, if it still exists and it will not end.
So, got through all that and I got what's called a closed file
information. And search service report I
obviously didn't need a search service because I had already
found. Yeah biological mother 30 years
ago but in the report a lot of its really generic.
You know there's a there's a letter from the agency saying
here's what you might find the file and then it just kind of
goes through some generic things.
So the first thing is says, on the record is why did you come
and take care of DCFS? Says, according to the file
material, on August 23rd, 1978. DCFS, was contacted, and Richard
was removed from the home, due to abuse and neglect.
Please see instances of abuse neglect section for more
information. So, I mean, how is that?
Just reading that line? Yeah, I mean you kind of
suspected but actually seeing that.
Yeah it was it was Jimmy, I didn't I wanted the details.
I read that and I'm Like, okay, where's the abuse neglect
section? Really, I'd be scared to read
it. Like, oh my gosh, I'd be so
scared. Anyway, go ahead and then the
rest of it, you know, besides the abuse neglect second.
Well, there's actually a couple interesting Parts but it's just
what, was the relationship between the birth parents care
said, not noted file, contain information pertaining to
Identity the birth. Father know how were the birth
mothers parental rights terminated voluntary surrender.
How were the birth father's parental rights terminated for
order? And there's a whole blank
section here for newborns. I was a newborn and said, that's
yeah, yeah, that's sections on newborn.
And then there's some placement information.
So, August 23rd 1978 to July 19th 1979.
I was foster care at one home and then July 1919 sexualized.
Second 1980 I was in a different foster home and July 2nd 1982,
March 2nd 1982, I was in foster care in My adoptive home so
late. It was about two years before I
was adopted. So I lived with My adoptive
family for about two years before hours ago.
Did they say why you got removed from certain homes?
No, but I have to detail before. So, the first foster home, the
lady I believe was diagnosed with cancer, and they had very
little bit from that home. I got that information from my
biological family because they had visitation rights with me.
While I was in foster care. So they stopped me once a week.
Once a month, I don't know the details of that.
Don't you wonder like how that affected you seeing them and
then them being on again. Yeah, because that happened to
me with my A logical mother. When I was in foster care, she
would come see me, and then Leonidas so, a thought, how did
that affect me as a baby or even as a toddler, right?
Yeah. How ya?
Just the exchange. Yeah.
Being able to see them and not see them had to be, had to be
tough. Yeah.
It's almost like the relinquishment over and over,
and over again. Exactly.
And then the, I left the second foster home, basically, because
I was placed into My adoptive home, and then we get to the
instances of abuse or neglect. And it says, according to an
undated referral summary, the department received a police
report stating that the birth mother had been seen matured
into a ditch and dragging him down the street.
There was also a neglect report from a local hospital.
Psychological evaluation dated November 14th 1978 recorded that
birth mother had held Richard. Over the side of a bridge and
also State. When Richard cries, she hits him
in the head. When she hits him in the head,
he cries. So now those are in quotes.
So that's from my mother's words, my biological mother's
words from her psychological evaluation and November.
So how was she able to take you out of the home if your
grandparents were there kind of overseeing?
Yeah. So in the court paperwork that I
have, which is an included in this, it had indicated that my
mother wanted to move out on her own and she wanted to take me
with. So I really believe that that's
why he CF kid involved and had to remove become the home once
that happen by biological. Grandparents did try to adopt
me, forget guardianship, I don't know the details there, but
there was some weird dealings with their attorney, he
basically left town with there. Money and they couldn't afford
another one who so so yeah. So that was very, very, very
hard to read. Yeah.
How are you processing that? Just seeing it writing because I
know you kind of, you had heard stories.
Yeah. And you didn't know what was
true and what wasn't true? Yeah.
So how just seeing that in writing and it being confirmed?
I was a little bit prepared for it.
Like you said, I'd heard heard stories, but I mentioned it in
the last time I was in the podcast, but At my wedding
rehearsal dinner, I had my biological grandparents there
and I had my adoptive parents there, my grandma grandpa, we're
going to sit with my left and my parents were over on the right
side and out of know people, grandma looked at me and she
said, Ricky, I need you to know. Your mom, didn't throw you in a
ditch. If you to know that, and I never
heard anything about that before in my life here, I am probably
around 30 years old at your wedding, my wedding rehearsal
dinner. Like, okay, Grandma, you know.
So I didn't, I've always had that in the back of my head like
a, why would she say that? Say that.
So there's so I had talked to my aunt about it.
She said she wasn't living in Danville at the time where I
was, Was she had moved away for a while but she did hear about
that. She thought maybe it was a false
report but she didn't really know for sure.
Like I said it was always there. So I was kind of prepared to
hear reading it. Even if the throwing me in a
ditch, part isn't true. My mother's words that she hits
me in the head when I cry and I cry when she hits me in the head
and the whole part of holding me off of a bridge, I had never
heard before either. So I wasn't prepared for that
necessarily. I was kind of prepared for the
ditch incident because I had heard about it.
Yes so I don't know that I really have processed all of it
to be perfectly honest. It's almost a relief just to
have the information I'm during is done and I feel like I'd
always questioned whether I actually should have been placed
in the states. Care or not.
If I should have been left with my grandparents, you know?
Just ate made a mistake and kind of reading that, I kind of feel
like those questions have been put to rest.
I think the state did have my best interest in mind.
There were bad foster care. So, I still think there's a lot
of improvements that need to be made in the process because I
much rather be abused by my mom, then a total stranger.
Hmm, yeah. But I do understand why this.
They did intervene. So there is a little bit of
ease, their rigs also, still adage mama, not not added trauma
because it's the trauma already occurred.
And really, that's what I was looking for with this is if I'm
actually going to heal and get over, whatever happened to me in
the past, I have to, to me in the past.
And just be like, well, yeah, my mom did bad things and I was
taken from her and I need to heal for her eye.
Now having actual incidents, I can be like, okay, you know
that's in there somewhere. That's in my psyche somewhere.
That's, you know, and we can carry pain and different parts
of our body and things like that.
But came from than we can't release it in my right.
All it, a concept of oh, I was possibly abused or neglected.
That's hard to heal from if you don't know the detail.
So so to me, As terrible as it was to read, there was still a
sense of relief that came with it, that now I know what
happened can move on from. I know what I can feel from, I
know what I'm overcoming, and so I've talked to other adoptees or
like, man, I don't know if I want to see my DCFS file or, you
know, and to each their own. But I really feel like at least
for me and I think for most people, you can't heal from
something that you do. Don't understand.
Yeah, the more were empowered to better ourselves.
Yeah. So you have guardianship over.
Your mom has learning any of this affected, your relationship
with her. Not really.
It was unsettling at first and I like, next time I go see her, I
don't know. Yeah, yeah, but I've accepted my
mom even back in 1978. She In their right mind.
If she wasn't a right by that, I don't think she would have ever
done those things to me. So there's already been
forgiveness there towards her or I wouldn't have had to ship over
her 10 or so years ago this was something kind of knew.
I had to forgive her for but that forgiveness was already
started. So it was just like, okay, I got
to put this on that, forgiveness plate to and some no, it hasn't
really affected my relationship with her.
Because I'm able to you know, realize that these were things
done. Nah mate of mine.
It's unfortunate that she has the mental illness that she has
and schizophrenia is a very ugly thing and I honestly just have
still have nothing but compassion for her.
It sounds like you're happy then would do it again to find out
the truth about what happened to you, what would you say to other
adoptees? How to prepare if they are
looking for their identification and get it?
How can they prepare if at all for what?
They might find out. Yeah, I definitely think, you
know, you kind of have to expect the worst and hope for the best
if you're not in a good mental. A where you think you could be
open to hearing about abuse, that occurred to you things like
that, it might not be the best time to find that information,
you know, I've been preparing myself for this, for a long
time. Like I said, it was probably
well, since I had heard of the whole, then, you know, I believe
that was 14 15 years ago and so, during that time, I've asked my
aunt questions, I've, I've tried to find Or articles or anything
like that. That might support it.
Never did police blotter or anything like that at the local
paper at that time. Never did.
But you know, I've done things to kind of mentally prepare
myself might've actually happen. Yeah, initially I went with my,
my grandmother's responsive your mother never threw you in a did
should like, okay, well, you know, nothing bad ever happened
to me, you know, and that was my initial reaction over the years.
I've opened up to it like something happen.
I don't believe the state just ripping me away from my mom at
two years old for no reason. Yeah.
I thought maybe they had made some mistakes or maybe
overstepped or things like that and then you know and especially
waiting seven months to even hit the document and get some time
to prepare even though I really wanted it instantly and I was
very adamant and following up with them as often As I could to
any adoptee that is looking into possible, instance, of abuse or
neglect, make sure you're ready, but just prepare yourself to
know that, you know, there could be things in there that are
disturbing. And just make sure you're ready
to hear that, you need counseling, make sure you've got
that set up. If you need a support group,
make sure you've got that set up.
I had a Select people, I'd kind of shared this with and so my
oldest daughter being one, my girlfriend being one.
So I had people when I received it that I could kind of talk to
and process it with and and some adopting on Facebook, shared it
with. And honestly that the adoptive
support groups are amazing. When I shared this on there,
there was just an outpouring of love from everybody.
I'm getting the chills you know, getting those Kind of comments
from people supporting me and, you know, there's a lot of
adoptees and some of the groups I'm involved with that, I
definitely feel close to you. And I've talked to over several
years and developed relationships with, but most of
the people in there, I don't know.
From Adam, they're reaching out to me.
Showing me support and that honestly helped a lot because
even sharing it. Yeah, with my oldest daughter
who's she knows a lot of what I've been doing and the research
I've been doing. We were very close and my
girlfriend, they still don't understand it.
You know, my daughter kind of does because her mother hasn't
I've had custody of my daughter since she was little and her
mother hasn't really been involved in our life.
There's never been adopted by somebody but she does know what
it's like to be young by a parent, you know?
And so we share a lot of that with each other, we're kind of
our own support that again, the adoptee community really gets
And just to have hundreds of responses, people showing their
support, really helped me get through that.
So if you're gonna do it, make sure you have that support
system in place. Make sure you're ready for it,
Courage. Anybody from finding out their
truth, I think it's an important step in healing.
I think it's important 74. Yeah, it's great.
Great advice is to have people in place ahead of time.
Don't wait till the letter comes in the mail and then I Or when
you were filling out the paperwork for that and you were
not even sure that you were going to even get anything on
your get anywhere, you know? And then when you got the letter
saying that they were going to pursue it and then just that
waiting game and just and then actually getting it in the mail,
I can't imagine opening the mailbox like having it in your
hand. Finally, right.
Yeah. Like here it is.
I guess I would open I'd be so scared.
I was checking the mail daily. I was ready like to me.
It was. Yeah.
You were ready. The A whole onion scenario is in
your you know, you're feeling it back.
This was kind of that final piece for me.
I've met my biological father and my biological mother.
I've got court documents, I've got my adoption records, all
these pieces are there and all these dates are there but I
never did have the why, why was I take it?
Why that was a piece that I really needed and obviously my
biological Family didn't want to admit that my mother had ever
done anything wrong to me? Yeah, My adoptive family doesn't
know, you know. So, getting this piece of
information, number one is great validation from the state and I
even responded back to them. I said, thank you.
I did receive the information. No, I don't need search
services, but thank you for having this type of service
available for adoptees. I wish every It did.
Yeah, there were flaws in the system.
I believe that I've tried to request some actual
documentation. Instead of just a summary
report, they basically came back and said, no, you don't need any
Services, you know? So I definitely think there can
be some improvements made, like they're like, no we're done with
you goodbye, you know, but the fact that I did get this
information and they did take the time to find it.
And honestly, when I send that paperwork, I honestly thought
oh. But vinyl record, you know, was
a great possibility of a response.
Yeah, did reply fairly quickly. Yes, we found the record.
We just have to wait to assign you to a case worker.
Before we can get you that information and that process
took a lot to me. I was checking the mailbox every
day I opened it. As soon as I got it back, I was
at my girlfriend's house that morning and she had gone to and
my My house is a couple blocks from hers and so I took our son,
put him in the stroller, locked out of the mailbox.
Yeah, I couldn't even wait for her to get off, work to go home
and check my pants. And I was just like, male should
be here by now, honestly. Thought I'd have more of a
reaction to it, you know, I thought there'd be tears shed or
anything like that. Really hasn't been that again.
I think because I kind of already knew what I was going to
hear, there was some new things in there.
I feel lighter since having that information like I feel whole I
Feel Complete. Was there some validation like
looking back on your life when you used to do things and be
like why am I doing that? Why do I do that?
You know, like hey hearing actually what transpired can you
like correlate? Oh that's probably why?
Yeah, it did the things I did. Or yeah reacted the way I did.
Absolutely like I said, definitely knowing because I
knew I was abused and so I know why I had some issues that I had
and some reactions that I had to certain things.
I honestly just thought the state game and said, oh, your
mom's mentally ill were taking and okay, well, I have
grandparents and I biological family.
I felt like I was unfairly biological family and this kind
of put it into perspective. Active for me with the final
piece of information. Yes, she did want to move out on
her own. Yes, she did want to take me
with her and yes, there were incidents of abuse blacks and I
think the state did the right thing.
And so and so, now knowing yes, that there was abuse, that
occurred at two years old or younger.
I still think I have some, I'm going to have some crazy heeling
moment, with the whole being hit in the head.
Thing, you know, I don't think I still fully process.
I think so that there's probably something, you know, it's going
to be a moment of trying and what that so.
Yeah, I think, you know, looking back I was very timid as a
child. I've always avoided
confrontation, you know, I don't think knowing.
Okay, if you know, I was abusive to years Old or young by the
person that's supposed to be caring for me.
So yes, it makes sense. I don't trust the people that
are supposed to care for me. The most adoptive parents foster
parents. Girlfriend's spouses teachers,
authority figures. Yeah.
And and so yeah, I can definitely see these issues that
stem from that early on, trauma, right?
Well, I'm glad you got your paperwork.
I'm sad about what it revealed to you, sorry about that but I
know you like you said, you kind of were expecting that I really
do think that what you said is true that you need to know in
order to heal. That's the most.
I mean you could heal a little bit but I don't think you can
totally heal unless you know exactly what happens and having
that security in place ahead of time, you know, that help people
to talk to and Groups, like you said, and just friends that know
what you what you went through is being adopted in the first
place, having that in place counseling or whatever works for
you before you get the news. But I just want to thank you for
showing up today and telling us what happened and kind of giving
us an update. I appreciate it.
Thank you, Melissa. To be honest, I have no idea how
to feel about Rick story and the new developments that he talked
about today on the show. I'm happy for him in the fact
that he has the answers that he had been searching for.
But also, heartbroken of seeing that in writing and he did post
that on Facebook, the actual document where it said that he
had been abused and I just can't imagine Seeing that on the paper
being confirmed but I guess the good news is now he can start
the healing process without knowing the truth.
That's really hard to do to totally process, something and
heal from it. The other thing that Ric and I
both hope that him telling this part of his story will do for
you. Is if you went through the same
or similar circumstances in your adoption, whether it be
biological, Or adoptive parents that you were abused.
That you can see that you're not alone and if I know Rick
feltner, he will use this to help other adoptees in the
future. It is his passion and his heart
to do so that these type of things stop happening, but there
is more of a checks and balances in place for some of these
adoption and foster care system. Agencies that maybe there needs
to be some Tim's bad are not in place for adoptees.
At this point, there are a lot of adoptees right now that are
trying to push through some legislations in their states or
adoptees to get more rights to their records and to their
biology. So hopefully, that will be in
the near future for all of us. If you are an adoptee, a birth
parent and adoptive parent and wonder how you can help the.
Cause the way you can help the cause is to Get your story out
into the world. The way to do that is contact me
at mind, your own Karma at gmail.com.
Let's get your story on the podcast and educate the world.
Your story is important and someone out there needs to hear
it. If you would like to know more
about me and the podcast, just go to my website, mind your own
Karma.com. You can also find me on social
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leave what you don't and always remember to mind your own Karma.
I'll see you next time.