Hey there. It's Melissa.
Brunetti and welcome to the mind your own Karma podcast.
Hey there, Karma crew. I hope you are doing.
Well this week I am bringing you.
Another adoptee story today. Jim Serrano is on the show.
You may have heard of him. He's been making the rounds on
the adoptee podcast for a while. Now, it is his passion and he
feels that if he shares his story, it gives others
permission to share, theirs as well, and also gives others a
sense that they are not alone in the adoption.
Ernie. Let me tell you a little bit
about Jim. Jim is a domestic adoptee who
was born in 1962 in San Jose, California.
He was adopted at six months of age.
He's had trauma his whole life from abandonment issues, sexual
abuse and even in the search, for his biological family at the
age of 37. Jim is passionate about being
open and honest with all of the traumas that he has been through
in the hopes of helping others. Here's my interview.
With Jim Serrano. Hey Jim, welcome to the show.
Hello. Thank you.
Yeah. Hey, I know you know, you've
been on a bunch of podcast your Seasons, you know, podcast
guests. So I'm gonna just let you tell
your story. Okay?
And I mean you already know all the questions I'm going to ask
because you fired him from everybody else so holder.
The answers are probably in there.
So sure what you think you want to share, and then at the end
we'll talk a little bit about healing and maybe dig a little
bit deeper, but take it away. Jim Okay, so I'm 61 years of age
right now. 61 I was born January 22nd of 1962.
I was born in San Jose, California.
I was adopted at six months of age from San Jose and I was
raised in Gilroy, California. I have no idea where I was born
at. I have no idea the first six
months of my life. I don't have no idea where I
was, who took care of me. Anything, all I remember is my
parents when I asked for my paperwork when I was going to do
my search and 37 years of age, they just told me I was in San
Jose somewhere, do the Santa Clara County.
Welfare Department. Wherever that was.
So who knows where I was. For six months of my life.
I know I have my paperwork from wherever I was at this is Santa
Clara County, welfare department.
And what is said in the, paperwork was kind of, like,
they had me under Caucasian. And somebody in there named me,
Freddie, I have no clue because it on the paperwork is as from.
So I'll never know who named me Freddy.
Who burnt me, who pick me up, none of that stuff.
I don't know because my it's didn't know, they never talked
about it, they never talked about my adoption.
So they adopted me at six months of age and the adopted a my
sister. She was a year older than me and
her name is Barbara so they adopted both of us at the same
time so they adopted Us in all through my childhood.
I could honestly say I was a replacement child for my dad
because my dad wasn't a very. He didn't know how to show love.
I don't know because maybe it wasn't raised that way.
But I never heard, I love you from him.
I never got a hug from man, none of that.
But one time, I asked my sister, my older sister, which was
there, because they had three kids already.
Then they adopted me and my sister Barbara, okay?
So when I had a conversation with my sister, probably about
three years ago, I asked her they Susie.
Why do you think Dad? And Mom never sat me down and
tell me, I was adopted because I never knew I just figured.
I'll Because the big joke when I was growing up was always they
got me at the supermarket. That's when my sister's always
used to tell me. Well I thought it was a joke all
this time to I kind of figure it out.
Shoot maybe I am adopted right. So so I asked my sister.
Why do you think, why is it that he never showed me any love and
goes? You think is because see, they
had a child named Georgie and he was two year, I think was two
years old and he passed away. So my sister told me see.
I didn't know. It's like three years ago.
My sister told me that my mom was kind of having a nervous
breakdown because of the death. Yeah, so I think to heal my
mom's heart or to try to comfort her, my Dad decided to adopt.
So I was more of a, I think I replacement child because I
asked my sister, you think I was like, more, my dad resented me
because I was replacing Georgie. And she didn't say, no, when I
was asked and I ask all this, over the phone with her because
I wanted because I started doing it more Of these podcasts.
And I wanted to get the story straight because I know a lot of
my family and friends and whatever would hear the story.
So I wanted the facts straight or not.
Someone come back at me since all that wasn't true.
Jim that wasn't true. Yeah.
So I want to get the facts from her so she didn't disagree with
me. So I figured.
Ok. So that's why I didn't really
get so much love and something and we both me, my dad worked at
the same company for 30 years. We both retired from the same
company. We used to drive.
Ready. Mix trucks in San Jose.
Mmm. We did that for 30 years, both
of us have a Teamster pension. We had retired.
I retired in 2012 and that's the reason I'm telling you because
that's part of the story. So he never congratulated me was
proud of me that. You know, I was the number one
driver there for like 10 years. And we had 100 drivers and but
never got a pat on the back. So he how is he with the other
kids? Um, you know what?
He had a relationship with my older brother truth.
Hello, Joe, but he passed away about three years ago, but their
relationship wasn't very well either.
Okay, I think I dug the whole story was that he moving to
Houston to get away from issues that they had, I don't know
their story, so, I didn't really want to get involved.
Yeah, so but he loved my sister. My sister's could do no wrong.
Even the adopted says yes. Yes, she was.
Like, I always figured. She was the number one.
She was number one. So that was, that was the number
one child. At least.
That's what it seemed to me. In me, I see when I was a kid, I
used to get beat a lot and and it just one thing that I always
remember hearing, my mom always hearing her in the background.
That's enough whole sad. That's because the name was Joe.
So he was, she was a whole said that's enough.
He's had enough when I was getting beat.
Right? So one my sister.
So there was really no love going, growing up Through the
Ages, you know, of me, living there and stuff.
And so what am I Sister told me one thing when I was tossing
these questions, I go she goes, you change you.
You became more of a rebel between the ages of like in the
early teens and stuff like that. Well see she didn't know why
that was happening because see nobody.
I didn't tell anybody about what happened to me as a child to I
start doing the podcast. And so what happened from the
ages from 10:51, I was being molested by a older male cousin.
He was in his 20s and I was nine.
So I was being molested from the ages of nine eleven but see I
held that. I held that secret all my life
till I was 52 years old when I told my wife and my daughter my
wife have been married for 39 years.
Almost 39 years and my daughter's they're going to be
36. So one day was 52, we're going
to go get some ice cream and there was thing on this on the
radio and was talking about child, abuse, child, sexual
abuse. So something right there just
triggered me a good cage. And this is the time to say it.
So I told Tina and Elizabeth that, you know, I was molested
as a kid and they were shocked to go.
What do you mean? But I didn't tell him who it
was. So they didn't know who it was
because the only one who ever is going to know who it was is
going to be Tina because I only told Tina about a year and a
half ago, we were was wow. And the reason why I told her
was because one of my favorite movies is Antwone Fisher,
Antwone Fisher the scene that he he's in the, in the foster care
system, but he was being molested.
So there's a scene in the movie. Where is foster parent was
leaving with the other kids, but he was being left behind with
the person that was molesting. Mm-hmm.
So I was looking at that movie one day and I just broke.
Yeah, I said Jim is time tell somebody so I told Tina who it
was and the person who was was he lived right across the street
from Tina. No, because we dated for like
two years but she didn't realize that the person that molest me
those years lived right across the street, from her rights to
go pick her up every day. So I have to help that because
it's right across the street it's like I could I could I
could tell you right now, what the room looks like in my brain
right now. I can tell you exactly what the
room looked like that smells what happened and everything,
I'll never go into details, what happened?
Because it's something that is a man.
You you you feel shame on your life and which I I did, that's
why it took me so long to to start talking about it but the
more I talk about it, the more men come to me, tell me their
experiences and they look at Jim Serrano's, the tough guy that
always was into fighting all the time and I'm still fighting now.
I mean kickboxing and more time but it's not it's cut part of my
therapy but I think it sometimes I know when I need to be there
just to hit the bag and not do nothing else.
Not even be in that class. Just to go hit the bag because
some days. I'll have something to trigger
me, right? Yeah, so the beginning of the
search started when I was 36 and a half 37, 37.
And we we lived in a little town called Los Banos. 45 miles from
where I live now in Gilroy, so we lived there for 20 years and
so I was watching a program on TV with the talk show or
something like that. It's talking about people
looking for their lost family members.
So the person when there was talking about, you could get
non-identity information. So I seen that in look, the Tina
actually, babe. I think it's time goes.
You think is a time? I think it's time for me to go
and look because my daughter was getting older too, and I didn't
want her growing up like me, not knowing anything about your
medical background who you are. It just I don't want her going
up like that and that's our only child.
So, Very special to me to us. So I said okay so the hardest
part was going to my parents and say hey I'm going to start
searching, you know? And I was remember my dad
telling me. Are you ready to find out what's
out there for you? Jim and go.
Yeah but she he kind of like kind of try to discourage me
because he used to say, but Jim you're so on 0 because Dad, I'm
not as Toronto, I'm not putting down the Serrano name.
It's just that, that's not mean, that's not my blood, I need to
find out who I was. Yeah, so they give me the
paperwork. That's that paperwork that I
have about Freddy says, Freddy on the.
Okay, so I had that. That's all I had, that's all
they had. So I got that paperwork in went
to the county records in San Jose, at the heading Street in
my company, where I worked at is only two blocks from there.
I work for Central Concrete driving the concrete, mixer
truck delivering concrete, I did that for 31 years all over the
Bay Area. So, I went down there, went to
the fourth floor and asked the lady there.
Hey, I'm here for my non-identity information.
So okay, and so I told her, I was adopted.
Another told her, who I was wrote, all the paperwork and
she's okay. It's probably gonna take six
months for all that to come to you because I'm at six months so
I gotta like depressed, right. So the team says, don't, you
know babe just let it come. Yeah.
So about seed maybe a month and a half.
Two months later. I was walking to her mailbox to
go get their mail because the mailbox Down the street, a
middle of the street. So I went down there and see
this piece of papers is County of Santa Clara.
This whole shoot to get a ticket or something.
You know, where's the Poise of jury duty or something?
You know, they still got me in Santa Clara County.
That's first thing that came to my head, right?
So open it up and it was not an identity information and it's oh
shoot. So it says your biological
mother was five feet 89 pounds. She had two kids at the time of
your birth, she was living with your grandparents.
She worked out a doctor's office at the time and her in your
biological. Father had a brief affair, the
biological father's informations had.
He was 57 dark hair dark eyes, medium built.
Oh, he went to high school till 10th grade.
Quit, High School in tenth grade to go work full time and also
they had about him, okay? So I had that immense me time,
all that my parents never asked me anything about my search
weeks. They didn't want to know
anything about Did you want me to go search?
They never talked to me about it so I was, you know, I'm on my
own, you know, no encouragement. Nobody to help me out.
I just mean, Tina, me and my wife.
Yeah, don't even help me out. So one day I work, I was on a
job site and I was delivering concrete, right?
So, there was a gentleman there. His name is Carlos.
Brian, he worked for this company, that deliver concrete
to his company for, like 20 years.
And we knew each other for 20 year, he knew my dad, and he's a
gym, huh? How's it going to go?
So that's pretty good. Because squeal you been up to
cause he's talked about life all the time.
That's how close we were. There's well he let me tell you
the truth, Carlos. And yeah, well, I'm looking for
my biological family and he looks at me this.
What does? Yeah, ghost mean Jones not your
dad he goes no that's out of my dad.
That's that's he adopted me. Oh shoot you got any information
about your biological parents? Because yeah, I do.
So I describe my biological mother.
And he's shaking his head, he goes Jim.
When were you born? That goes a in 1962 in January,
so shoe and goes why? Because his to be honest with
you, he looked kind of look like me.
Kind of looks. You look like each other and the
description in the piece of paper is 57 medium build dark
hair, dark eyes that's Carlos, and but he kind of looked at the
description of my biological mother and he right away, he
That's all like marine iguana Murray who this girl that I was
dating and I heard that she got pregnant, but then she moved
away and she want anything to do with me and she gave the baby up
for adoption. I go.
Whoa. So I kind of told him the
information about her a ghost, that's Marie because she worked
at a doctor's office, she was living with her parents and she
had two kids already. So, and he heard that she moved
away. She gave up a baby for adoption.
He told me that. Wow, so you looked at me goes
show, so I'm looking at them. Damn it goes, this is the
information. I got a lot on my biological
father. He just looks at me groans.
Whoa. Because I think we might be
father and son because he says doesn't make no sense.
Yeah. So back then, I didn't have a
cell phone, right? So this is like 23 years ago.
So everyone to get off the job site and go to the phone booth
right away, go Tina and what else does it say on the
biological information about my father as well, everything that
you just, you just told me is on there.
Did you tell them about the high school and goes?
No. So I went back to the job site
and, and Carlos goes, hey, what are you doing back here it goes.
Well, I could ask you a question Carlos and he goes.
Yeah, what's up? Here it goes.
Did you go to high school Carlos?
And Goes. Yeah, I did.
Because, okay, so you graduated in all that he goes, no because
I quit in tenth grade to go work, full-time and goes, oh
shit. This exact piece of paper.
Says, the, what I told him that he looked at me was, oh, wow,
because I think you are my son, it's crazy, it's so weird.
And I've known him for 20 years. So, about a week later after
that, another driver that I worked with his name is Johnny.
We go in the drivers room were getting ready to warm up, our
trucks or whatever and And start the day and he tells me, hey
Jim, I heard about you and Carlos I go.
I looked at him ago. How do you know it was?
Dude? I used to live with Carlos's
daughter, which would be your sister for five years.
Carlos told her about art your conversation.
Mmm, she wants to meet you. Oh okay, she had a son, you
know, so I said alright, so when we used to live in Los Banos
they used to One whole week American made a fair, like your
fairs in town the whole week, right?
So I met her for lunch or in her son with Johnny and then I said,
hey, you want to come for the weekend to stay with us kosher.
So they came down spend the weekend with us and got to know
her. And then me and Carlos decided
to go do our blood test because I went and met his wife.
He was living in Hollister. At the time, I met his wife and
she we're really planning holidays together and
everything. And we're To start searching for
my biological mother, right? So, seven weeks later.
The, the blood test comes it was - it wasn't.
He wasn't my father, oh, wow, everything in that piece of
paper matched but the blood test was negative.
He wasn't my father so that was probably one of the worst times
of my life was. I had to make that phone call to
him and tell him Carlos because we're not father and son.
When I was emotional he was emotional.
Yes, I still remember my guy that I used to commute From Las
Vegas uses, man. The next day I drove you into
work and you were on sambi. Yeah, it's like you were just
crossed into the, my cab of my truck and as all Jim, you need
to go home and and I know I don't even remember that day.
And so, it seems like the Blessed blood test was just a
formality, like everything I have.
Yeah, exactly. So.
So Tina goes, don't give up, baby.
Don't give up. We'll keep on trying.
It's all right in the meantime. My mom, that raised me and
developed breast cancer that built brought some more guilt on
me. How can you do this to your mom
while she's suffering with breast cancer?
So, that's another thing that yeah, bugging me.
So six months later, my wife, Renee, our neighbor from across
the street Connie, they were talking and also they start
talking about their husbands, right?
You know why he's talking about their husbands life.
It's so Connie goes there. About her husband Dominic, which
I knew Dominic is. We used to plays baseball
together. When I moved there, I was on his
softball team. So we were friends, so I didn't
know he was adopted then, Tina told Tina told Connie, Jim's
adopted, because he is because wow, because yeah, Dominic found
his, his parents, but they both of them were deceased by time.
He found them. She, she could have him.
Go talk to Dominic, it's okay. So I went across the gate.
Topic. I didn't know you were adopted
because yeah, you too. Huh.
Yeah. So we started talking and he was
in a program called adopt these identity Discovery Network.
Yeah. And he's chapter was in Merced
because he was a Merced County, right?
Well, I was born in Santa Clara County, but they had a meetings
there too and a Kaiser. Building Santa Clara County.
Wow. So, I went to the one on
Homestead and I went to a meeting with a gentleman called
my angel. He was probably late, 70s,
middle, My niece's name was Neil Kylie.
It was me Tina and Polly about five other adoptees went in
there. What he does is just helps you
search for your family. Hmm.
So I go in there and all I had was that pace piece of paper
that my parents had. They gave me gave him that we
were in the meeting for maybe three hours maybe at the most.
Because all right well go home and then I'll probably have some
information for you by the end of the week or something.
I don't know what. Yeah, it's crazy.
Are you going to get information for me?
Just give me a piece of paper from 1962, right?
And so whatever. So I think it was probably I can
remember was 23 weeks later. Maybe a month later, he calls
me. Go say to him.
I got three names for you as well.
Yeah, I got three names for you of these three ladies that might
be your biological mother. One was in an l.a. one was a, I
think Long Beach and what it was in San Jose.
So I had all the three addresses, okay?
And their names and I kept it in my wallet, right?
So one day I was driving my concrete truck after I was
already finished with the job site, right?
I was coming on the way back and one of the address that was on
White Road in San Jose and I had to address in my pocket and I
turned, and I go shoot, there's that address of the house that I
have in my pocket. I said, oh, hell with it.
So, I pulled over, I went and knocked on the door.
What can I say? What can I say?
So, I went and knocked on the door and this guy answered them
the door and he kind of look like me, right?
And I asked him, hey, did you order any concrete because my
truck was outside right in front yard because, no, because I'll
shoot. Okay, well, I think I'm lost,
but I'm trying to find this house, you know?
It's just oh no. We don't want to know concrete.
All right, well, thanks a lot. So I get back in my truck,
right? So I go home and tell Tina and
she's like, are you crazy man? When you have to not know who
you are all these years in go through all this trauma of No
Love and the sexual abuse. You going to do anything just to
find out who you are? Yeah.
Have someone to love you. Right.
I just wanted someone to say I love you, Jim, those three
words. And people always ask me what
was the first time you heard? I love you.
Jim or I felt like that. Like somebody actually loved me
and I always bring up this story.
Was mean to, you know, we're going on and we were dating and
I fell in love with her. I took her to a Chinese
restaurant and I hadn't told her I was adopted yet and we're
already going out for maybe a year.
Find out that restaurant after we in dinner.
I told her. Hey babe, I have something to
tell you. She goes, yeah, what because I'm
adopted? It still gets to me when I say
this happened, 40 years ago, right?
And she just said, well, okay what?
She didn't care, but as an adoptee, you feel like an
outcast, you feel like people are going to think of you.
What's wrong with you? Why didn't he no one wanted to
keep you? You know, you act job.
Yeah, I thought for sure she was going to leave me because of the
Benjamin issue that adoptees go with all their lives, you know
I'm thinking. Okay.
Finally I know what loves about now.
She's going to leave me. I know she's Gonna Leave me.
But I had to tell her. Well, she didn't beat me is, so,
that's the first time I felt love.
So, where was I? My story.
Okay. So you went to the house and
knocked on the door and knocked on the door.
And then a week, later new Kylie calls me up.
And he goes, Jim, I found your mother.
You did it goes. I was in Gilroy at my cousin's
house. I was just there hanging out
with them, and he called me, it was about 8:00 at night and he
goes, it's the house in San Jose.
Oh shit. I go Neal.
I stopped there about two, three weeks ago but I go here I go
see. That's what to do that.
I go, but I did it anyway. Hey goes okay, jump.
Well, here's here's the here's the number.
Well, I really have the number right.
And the Her name was no, Berta Montoya domingus matura.
Was her maiden name of Dominguez?
Was the husband. They were she married to then,
right? Let me guess that night.
I still remember. It was probably about nine,
thirteen, 914 I still remember it and I called her up and I
asked her and she answered the phone.
I asked for my brother Bobby, the one that answered the door
because I knew their names too. I don't know how you got the
names, and we got the names. So I asked his Bobby there and
she goes no it was how about Paul, Paul was my younger
brother. He's like five years or younger
than me. He was the husband that she has
now or was married to now their son.
Okay, so just know it goes, who's this?
Well, this is Jim, Cerrado. She goes, I don't recognize your
name. I know all my son's friends
because they all were wrestlers and they're all were being
getting ready, wrong, okay? Not together.
Time and goes know, somebody that needs to ask you a
question. Because okay, goes does January
22nd 1962. Mean anything to you.
It was dead silence on the phone.
Dead silence. Okay, I'm not trying to disrupt
your life, I'm going to ask you that question.
One more time does January 22nd 1962, meaning to you.
She goes who is this, and why are you doing this to me?
And I told her I'm not going to disrupt your life, I'm not doing
anything to you, but I have a daughter that we don't know.
Her medical background, can you? At least give me that and she
just says, no, I can't talk right now.
So, okay, she goes. Can I call you tomorrow?
I think Laura, in my mind, I'm thinking, okay, you're not going
to call me. I'm all right, they just want to
get get off the phone so it's okay.
So I hung up on the phone. Of course, I hung with photos.
I was A wreck. You might want.
My in-laws had a pick me up and take me home to Los Banos
because I couldn't drive. I was a mess.
So mean, Tina. We're talking that night in bed
and also under the phone rang was heard in.
Alberta she goes Jim, can you meet me in Valley Medical in San
Jose tomorrow at 10:00 in the morning goes?
Okay, kind of strange place to meet.
But okay, so I met her there and kind of she kind of describe
what she looked like and the car should be driving.
And so I met her in the parking lot at Only medical because she
had appointments with your kids, she said her kids.
Hmm, okay, so met her in the parking lot.
She came she ran to me. Hug me and cried in my arms.
Me I had a very still a black heart.
I had no love for her. Hmm, I just want her to pay for
what she did to me because of me not having any love and mean
been molested. I was just trying to blame
somebody. Yeah, I wanted her to feel my
pain. Pain.
But just like a stranger hugging me.
Yeah. So she goes, can you go with me
to my kids appointments and stuff like that?
Because sure. So we talked for a little bit
just not really deep conversation, just whatever,
right? Then she tells me goes, Jim, I
have to tell you something, we went out to the parking lot
again because yeah, because nobody knows about you because I
have to go home and tell your siblings that you exist.
I have to go home and tell my husband that you exist.
Nobody knows about you. I kept your secret for 37 years.
Wow. So that made me feel even shoot
here, right? So so she says I'm going to go
home and go tell It's all right, I said, well, good luck.
Hey, I just she gave me a hug and said, goodbye in my mind
almost thinking. Okay, that's diameter.
It's probably the last time. I'll meet see her again, so,
because I'm thinking, you know. Yeah, so she calls me up.
Probably about the next day. Yeah, the next day you still has
me. Hey, my husband Paul Dominguez
says all this stuff that happened to you wasn't your
fault. So why would we take who you are
away from you? So come over to the house and
meet your brothers. And I want to meet you, too.
Because my sister, I had a sister but she was She's leaving
to Montana at this at the time. Her name was Juan de.
So, I went to the house and met my brother Paul and Bobby in
spent the time with them for about a few hours and going
home, right? And still does a bunch of kids
around the house, right? So so I got home that night and
we're talking mean Tina were talking, then she called me up
again to see, you know, how I was doing.
You know, and so I'm doing okay. It's going to take a while for
me to focus and try to sync all this in, you know, of course, I
didn't tell my parents yet because dinner, So then I asked
her a question. All those kids that are on the
house and all that? It was all your.
Those are all your grandkids because none of those are my
foster kids. So her and her husband had
fight, she just retired. Maybe she passed away 11 months
ago, but her and her husband were foster parents for 25 years
in San Jose and had 500 kids come through their home.
Oh my gosh so that you made me feel?
Yeah, I guess so. You took a over 500 kids.
Then you can take care of me. Yeah.
Well plus you had siblings older than you and younger than you?
Yes, the only one she gave up, yes.
And then foster kids up for that.
So, after that happened, then I asked her.
Who's my father is Carlos, Brian?
My father, I maybe the blood test was wrong.
Yeah, no. No, that's not your father.
Your father is Thrall, coca his raw, cocoa, we're busy at, I
don't know. I haven't seen him in 38 years,
you know, 39 years and they'll come when I stand wherever it
was because but I know your uncle's uncle is he has a
furniture store downtown San Jose.
It's been there for 50 years but there's Santa Clara Third Street
so it's called tank coca's downtown Furniture.
Hmm. So I knew where that was because
it's been there forever, right? And So one day I was at a job
site right across the street from the store.
So I said, okay, this is what week later is.
Just go in gym. Yeah, walked in there and goes,
hey, can I see Hank? Okay, and the guy looked at me
and goes who are you and goes, well, I'm just looking for Hank
coca was warm Hankook a junior using the meta system manager of
the store and goes, okay, so what do you need them for?
That's my father, he goes, well, actually, I'm looking for were
all Coca-Cola. Rockers my uncle?
So it goes. Well, I'm gonna come on.
Just tell you, I might be his son, he does.
He looks at me as what. Yeah, here's here's my number
NE, Berta Montoya, Dominguez is on the piece of paper.
Can you give this to Raw up for me, please?
And goes, wow, kind of like a movie, it because I will do.
So he get so he gave it to my teacher all coca and maybe about
three weeks after that, no, Berta she threw me.
A party at her house to introduce me to the family.
Hmm, so I went over there and it was nice.
You know, got to meet the family and all that.
But you know how that is. I mean you sit there and you see
everybody's eyes are just looking at you, you know?
Yeah feel like oh man, this is uncomfortable.
But you're supposed to be happy but it's you're uncomfortable.
Yeah, it is. Yeah, so I get I saw on the way
home. You mean Tina we're talking and
as well I guess we're all if he's my father.
Knock, my father doesn't want anything to do with me because
he hasn't called in three weeks. Hmm.
So we get home and teen opens up the garage doors because Jim
beginning here now okay. Why listen to The Voice machine?
Where the voicemail? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
The voice machine. So I pushed push the button says
hi. Hi, this is raw coca.
Might be your father. You want to meet me at our
original Jose and San Jose. I said oh sure so I met him
there. The next day here comes walking
looks just like me but he's like thinner, you know, body type to
I found out that he had a twin. He was a twin and his twin looks
exactly like me same body type and everything, but he was.
Yeah, see. So we talked about it and you
remembered, no. Berta he remembered her and then
We did the blood test and it came up positive.
He was my dad, how? So, so that happened.
Of course, I still didn't tell anything about to my adopted
parents because they didn't want to know anything about it until
maybe about, I don't know, six months after, maybe I finally
told them and of course, my mom was still going through breast
cancer and stuff like that. So my 38th birthday my Bollinger
mother decided she wanted to throw me a surprise birthday
party. Oh good.
Oh wonderful. And I found out about when my
buddies, blew it and told me three weeks before.
So, I wanted to find out about it, I'm just like, oh my God as
Tina, guess who told you as well.
If somebody told me, it's my family coming, she goes, yeah.
They said they're all going to come.
You might even my parents because yeah, I guess I'll shit
so. Well, is that all tell me about
it. And this year, there's another
thing that I forgot to mention that, see through the
molestation in the Human issues and stuff like that.
I started drinking. When I was 10 years old, 10
years old, I started drinking. And when I got walked into that
party and I seen, I walked in the first table I seen, was my
mom, my dad my biological mother and her husband sitting at the
same table. Oh my God, I looked at that and
go, oh my God. And I seen the pain in my my
mom's face. And I seen the anger, my dad's a
Huna, hell will be stupid enough to put them at the same table.
Yeah. So I got there that day and all
my buddies were there. There's a lot of people is about
200 people showed up. So I got drunker than drum took,
every shot from every guy that wanted to give me one, right?
But one thing I always remember that night is, is my 38th
birthday. So my dad at the end, he went
home, he was going home. He's walking out of the party
with my mom. And he looked at me, was Jim, he
pointed at me, because tomorrow, we're going to talk about this
and I knew he was pissed. Yeah, so the next day, we went
home, the last files, and we're home.
And I was watching TV, and all sudden, I felt my heart was
coming out of my chest, and I collapsed in a young 40 - babe
call it call homeless, and think I'm having a heart attack.
Hmm. So I'm less came and got me
right away. They thought he was a
full-blown, heart attack, took me to the hospital.
I ended up in ICU for two days. And during the second day of me,
being a nice you here because my biological mother walks into the
room. Just looking at me, it didn't
five minutes later. He comes my parents, that raised
me right behind her in the same room.
Just looking at me. They weren't saying a word to
each other. Yeah, I'm thinking man.
If I had a gun right now, I would just blow Myself Away.
And let them suffer what they're doing.
Yeah, they don't understand. They don't, because C and that's
suicide thing in my brain. I had that planned out.
Even when I was a teenager because I already had planned
out. How is going to kill the person
that molest me and how I was going to blow myself away?
I already had it planned out. Mmm, the ages of 16 and 17.
I had that planned out. So it was easy for me to think
that it all flashed back to me. How easy, and how angry over
person that I would have had that in my head to actually kill
somebody, but bro, myself away at the same time, just to get
away from all that pain of being molested in improving, my
manhood because it would be in the mail mail.
You know, and it's not, it's something you want to remember.
But I always tell people what's the hardest cry I've ever had
Pollyanna. my mom's grave site, and the day that I admitted to
Tina who were was because I always remember my mom
protecting me at when I was taking off my corsage and put it
on the, on the casket. I broke.
Mmm, but also broke because the one person that molested me was
at the gravesite at the same time, But people don't know
that. Yes.
Well, I had to leave that all my life.
So so I ended up in ICU. Came out in the doctor says,
okay, we're going to release you, you don't understand it but
we heard about your story and your struggles and stuff like
that. So I think you really need to go
see a therapist. Mmm.
So I went to go see a therapist and of course good old
therapist. He didn't know nothing about
adoptees. Nothing.
Prescribed me Paxil any depressants?
So I was on antidepressants for three months, couldn't do life.
Nothing. Finally went back to went, back
to work after three months and metal gentleman there.
I using the Mig has and he invited me to church.
I went to church with him and got a little bit of better going
to church in releasing all that anxiety.
I had. And one day I was at church and
took some anxiety pills got home and threw them all down.
The dream went to my therapist the next day and he asked me how
you doing? Jim goes.
Well, I threw all my medication down the drain and I don't need
you. No more.
Because what? You can't even try to explain
them. You can't do that.
Jim, I don't need you. I never went back to him and
that Friday night the program 2020, they had a special on
Paxil for a whole hour how people were getting out that
anger, depression and committing suicide.
Oh my gosh, yes he's so of course it after that, you know,
my parents were never interested in the relationship and ever.
Ask me about it. I could honestly tell you that
for 20 years, my relationship with my biological mother was
always up and down. Down struggle.
It was a roller coaster most of the time was because she's
trying to tell me how I should fall because she took care of
500 kids. Yeah, but she, you're not an
adoptee and Tina used to not defend her, but she would just
say Jim. She doesn't understand, you're
never going to understand her and she's never going to
understand you and that's the way it's going to be.
And that's I think that's why we always butted heads, right?
But it had for 20 years, she died 11 months ago and it's sad
that I didn't have no emotions. You never did.
Some, they were, did I never had no emotions?
I never told her I There, as an adoptee, you put that facade on
all your life and you're that actor right.
Now this last few years, I told myself Jim.
That's it, I'm not an act no more, that's why.
When I tell my story, I tell and I'm very transparent with it and
I've lost family members. Sure, I tell him my story family
members. Tell me that I'm not a man
because I was complaining about being adopted.
Oh, you were raised in a good home.
You have no clue. Yeah, no clue what I went
through. You have you heard my story?
No. Hmm.
See. So and then the funny part of me
and Tina were talking about the other day.
The funny part is my dad developed the win, the race.
Me it developed dementia. He had for 10 years before he
passed away. Guess who took care of him?
For the first six years? Me and my wife.
Wow. Yeah.
How was that? Oh, you know, me times.
I because the dementia, I don't know, which is worse.
I see my mom died from breast cancer and I see my dad died
from dementia. I don't know.
Which is worse, but dementia is just like hand just that's a
terrible time to go through and I had take care of them when he
never even cared about me, right?
And then Tina says, babe because that's how much of a good man
you are. I don't want to hear that and
that's one thing with adoptees. We hate compliments.
Oh man, I hate it. I don't know how to accept them,
ya know what I mean? Yeah.
And So like I said, she passed away 11 months ago, my bowels of
father passed away eight years ago, my mom.
That raised me about 22 years ago and my dad that with
dementia, 10 years ago. So they're all gone now.
So that's a weird feeling now to that, I don't have no nobody.
And funny part was my last birthday will 6161 in January
and that I didn't have no one to text me.
No. One texted you.
Many of your relatives. No text me.
Happy birthday. Wow!
Not even my siblings. Not one of my siblings.
Text me. Happy birthday.
Wow. So how's that make you feel?
How does that make supposed to make me feel?
I mean, that the service my siblings said, oh yeah, we got
to stick together. Why do I always have to reach
out? Yeah.
It does feel that way. I haven't heard from them.
Maybe one or two texts 11 months.
Wow. But you know what?
You get so used to it. It's just that you know what Jim
don't care about the people that don't show you love.
Love the people that love you. Yeah, that's right.
That's why I've been changing my whole way of thinking in my life
because life is too short. Actually I'm 61 years old and I
don't want to be this angry adoptee, this guy.
That's always angry about everything about his whole life.
Yeah, I gotta get up, get over that.
And people will say, well shit, you went through so much shit.
Yeah, yeah, big deal. But I'm not gonna let the trauma
defeat me the way I meet they feeding.
The trauma is by being transparent, helping others.
Now, let him know that you're not alone.
Yeah, I understand. I understand sexual abuse,
understand. No love.
I understand, abandonment, understand all that.
Now, you could just come to me, and I could be honest with you.
So that's where I'm at now. That's my life right now.
Yeah. Well, thanks for being so open
with your story and I just want to say to your abuser or whoever
you are. You're screwed, you're screwed,
dude, because your Karma's shit right now like yours though.
Screwed for doing that. That just I yeah, the funny part
about that is that was I watched Joe Rogan a lot and this podcast
and he had a guest on there and this guy was a playwright and
you wrote a play about him being sexually abused as a child and
they interviewed him. He said he went To the abuser
about four years ago, to confront them about his abuse.
And he had a gun in his backpack when he was talking to him.
Wow. And when I seen that, My home, I
went back that time and I call Tina right away.
I told her I've had a bad day today, man.
I showed her the interview, it's only like a three-minute clip,
but so much in that clip, that just triggered me man and bring
back the anger. I don't want to be that.
See everybody sees the gyms around the smile on my face but
there's pain behind the smile. Yeah.
That I try not to be a burden to others.
You know what I mean, right? So, So I mean you don't see a
lot of men sharing, anything really, but alone stories
publicly. Anyway.
So my question for you is why do you think that is?
And what would you like to say to the men adoptees out there
about why you share your story? for me, the reason I share it is
like I said, people who say, don't you bring back the past in
the hurt every time you tell your story Jim and yours doesn't
How do you feel after you tell your story?
I tell her. Well, sir, it feels like I went
20 rounds in a ring. So when I get off this podcast
with you, I'm going to be beat. I'm going to be beat because of
what I went through and what I'm telling you and emotionally.
Yeah gets to me but men have come to me.
To tell me about their experiences and other adopted I
didn't know one. Adopt the say five years ago, I
think maybe a new one or two. I know thousands of them now
from all over the world, you know, and it's for a reason.
I went through all this stuff for a reason.
And the good thing about it is I'm unable to talk to others and
they're not scared to tell me what they went through.
Yeah. See if they don't see me being
trans. Parent that goes, how are they
going to say? Okay, Jim is honest, I could
talk to Jim about everything that happened to him, or
happened to them themselves as a child or with her going through.
Now, you never know. I don't know.
Yeah, you know. So this is the reason why I tell
it. The people always say, well,
you're a strong guy goes. I'm not strong because I feel
like a, like, a train ran me over.
After I finished telling my story, that's not strong.
I'm just, I just do it because it needs to be It needs to be
told. Yeah, you know, so that's why I
do it but you're giving permission for others to.
Yeah. Do the same.
You know. Exactly.
And the other thing that adoptees have trouble with this
trusting people. I know I did and it seems like
your wife Tina seems to be not only a rock but also your soft
place to land when things get hard.
So what qualities did you see in her that made you feel safe
enough to be vulnerable with her and your relationship and like
did that happen right away or what That a process for you to
trust her, probably because she was my first girlfriend.
She was my first girlfriend because I was always afraid to
have girlfriends because of the abandonment issues and stuff
like that. I was afraid of all sound alike
and somebody and then they're going to just get rid of me.
Yeah that's why I didn't really like to get close to anybody.
Till I fell in love with tell the truth.
I fell in love with her. When I was 20 years old, we went
to the same High School graduated in the same class and
we didn't meet each other two years after on a blind date.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And we're subbing celebrating our 40th anniversary next year.
So what was it about her? That Your hair looks interesting
well, but probably because she didn't leave me when I told I
was adopted. That's the number that's when I
really, really fell in love with her.
Of course, she always says, well, you know, she didn't say I
love you back till maybe a year and a half after.
And that's when we decided to get married and it's just like
you said it first, I'll call ya. She'll children.
She always tell me that to see remind you.
Yeah, shows his, I'm sorry, I never said it back to you.
It's all right. Yeah, at least he didn't leave
me at the Chinese restaurant that side like that was gonna
happen. Yeah, exactly.
But let's go back to your positive outlook and attitude.
Sure. It seems like, you know,
obviously about everything that's happened to you.
We've kind of turned it around and I always say, everyone has
kind of Their Own. Combination to their healing
journey. And if there was one combination
that works for everyone, we'd all be doing it right.
If we all knew what to do, we just do it.
How did you get to the point of not being a victim in your
circumstances? And then and what were some of
the things that you personally discovered that worked for you?
Not being a victim Polly talking about it because like I said, I
held it in for 40 years, 40, 42 years, I held it.
I held that secret of being molested.
I had that secret to, I start getting answers, you know, just
by me, tell really telling start telling my story on all these
podcasts and then I'm going deeper and deeper into my star
because it seems like every year something would change the law.
Loss of Bollinger parents did loss of the adoptive parents.
The loss of family members telling me, you know, I wasn't
just a big baby. I'm not a man.
Like they thought I was because I tell my story, but did any any
of them called me since I've been telling all my stories?
There's last 34 years that one person is called me say we're
sorry. That happened to you.
Jim, who was it? Nothing.
So how do you think that makes me feel?
Yeah, you know there's Does that line in the movie and Antwone
Fisher? I'm still standing.
I'm still strong. It's when he goes back to his
foster, mom, and the person. Abused them is no matter this,
my time. Yeah, he said that, I'm still
standing. I'm still struck.
I got that tattooed on my legs. I got that tattooed on my legs.
I don't know five years ago and then another one, let your mess,
be your message. I got that tattooed on my other
leg. That's a good one.
Because your convert their conversation starters.
So when I was asked me, what's that mean?
Jim, let me tell you my story. Yeah.
See was there. Something that triggered you
turning your mess into your message and getting you to start
talking about it? Was there something that
happened or just something quick?
Because I do want to be defeated by the trauma.
I've always been a someone I was always fighting.
Always fighting for not being a mistake, you know, we went we
went and watched that movie Creed 3, this past Saturday, but
cretu, there's a scene in that movie, that that always got to
me. It's when he was in the corner
and he was about to rock, you wasn't about to tell him to
throw in the towel because was getting beat up.
And he goes, don't, don't stop the fight and goes why.
I want to prove it. Because prove, what?
Prove them. I'm not a mistake.
So I've been proven that all. I've been trying to prove that
all my life. Yeah, Jim strong was not a
mistake. Yeah.
Even though I been felt like a big tree, like that all my life,
right? You know what I mean?
Yeah, I do. So yeah.
So I've heard you say something to the effect that your oh, is
that smiley happy guy. And that's the guy that you show
to the world. So what happens when you log on
Facebook and Instagram and the microphones turned off and
you're not on a podcast and is that joyful and optimistic guy
really who you are or are you still in the process of Finding
your authentic self. Well, you'll see me.
You'll see me a lot on my Facebook posts and Instagrams.
You see me at the beach? A lot out in the nature.
A lot that brings me a lot of peace.
Meat is being quiet and sometimes I remember that
program. This is us that program.
Yeah, we're that weren't seeing when it goes into the lake and
he walks into the lake and his he's dreaming.
His biological mother is in the lake with him.
And his biological mother tells him.
Give it up to scream. Yeah.
And he goes in the Lincoln's, the screams.
This is the best. What I do.
That's what I do sometimes. Yeah.
Just, I have to be more myself and I'll talk to, to God.
It's on Lord, I know this is your plan.
I don't understand it, but I'm starting to understand it.
Yeah. Delete the older, you get your
understanding understanding of my life now.
Yeah. And I'm not going to be
defeated. Yeah, once you start walking
down the road of being yourself, there's no turning back.
Yes. Good thing.
And a bad thing. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. Lastly, what you wouldn't, you
tell adoptees one piece of advice, if you could give him
one piece of advice, what would that be search for the truth?
Always, tell the truth. And hopefully your loved ones.
Beg them for the truth, because I was light at all my life, and
even in the last 20 years, of knowing my bonjour mother, I was
still fed some lies that I found out.
Yeah. and, You know what? It just just get as much truth
as you can. Yeah, truth.
Because truth, if we realize kill a person, it killed me a
lot of my life. A lot of my childhood I was
robbed from being happy. I was robbed from having being
alone, not having anybody. I never had nobody to go to.
Yeah. You think I wanted to go to my
parents and tell him I was being molested, right?
I couldn't know. I was a little kid.
Yeah. The being tortured by a 20 year
old. Yeah.
So well again. Thank you for being so
vulnerable with me today. I know that you're really
passionate about telling your story and how important it is to
you. And everyone's story is
important, and I heard adoptee, say all the time that there's,
you know, my story is not that great, you know, I don't even I
don't have anything to say. And I heard this saying, Being
one time that just stuck with me and it said why to tell your
story and it said because your words are in the shape of
somebody else's wound and they need to hear them.
And everybody that I talked to on this podcast has something
different to say that someone is going to relate to.
And so that's why I'm doing this but you know, we're educating
the world one story at a time, so So thank you for doing hers
today on the show. Thank you.
Appreciate you man.
Don't you want to just reach through your listening device
right now and give Jim the hugest hug ever.
He's been through so much and is still so brave and courageous to
come forward and tell his story and be vulnerable.
It's so hard as a male to do that.
And here's Jim, this big tough guy who is showing the mail
Optic community that it's okay to share your story, no matter
what it is. And as Jim said, there's so many
men coming forward and coming to him and saying me, too, that
happened to me too and they may have never told another soul
that that had happened to them. But because Jim was able to tell
his story, they felt safe telling their story to Jim.
Thanks again, Jim for being on the show and thanks.
Thanks for being an example to the mail adoptee community.
That is time to tell your story and if it is time to tell your
story, you can email me at mind your own Karma at gmail.com.
Let's get you on the podcast. If you know of anyone that needs
to hear this podcast, please feel free to share that.
Is it for today. As always, take what you need
and leave what you don't and always remember to mind your own
Karma. And I'll see you next time.