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Hey there, it's Melissa 
Brunetti, and welcome to the 

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Mind Your Own Karma Podcast. 
Hey there, karma crew. 

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Thanks for joining me for 
another episode of Mind Your 

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Own, Karma. 
The Adoption Chronicles. 

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Today is a solo episode short 
but sweet, and it's a little 

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thing that I'm calling a PSAA, a
Public Service adoptee 

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announcement. 
This is your friendly fellow 

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adoptee making some observations
and wondering if you've seen the

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same things happening. 
I don't know if there's an 

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eclipse coming. 
I don't know if it's because the

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weather's been crazy weird here 
in California. 

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Mercury's and retrograde Venus 
took a hike somewhere. 

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I don't know what is going on in
adoptee land, but have you 

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noticed that tensions have been 
kind of high and other adoptee 

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individuals are lashing out at 
other adoptee individuals and 

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there's just been kind of a lot 
of bickering and triggering and 

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anger floating around. 
I have to admit I myself have 

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been feeling a little unsettled 
and I haven't quite put my 

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finger on why, so I'm not really
sure what's going on. 

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Like I said, maybe it's just me,
but I have seen an increase in 

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heightened sensitivity on the 
adoptee sites and in observing 

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these things, I just had a few 
things come to mind that I 

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wanted to share with you today. 
You know, adoptee land is huge 

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and we are all on our own 
separate journeys, although a 

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lot of times we have a lot in 
common. 

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But at the same time, we have 
all experienced adoption in 

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different ways in how we were 
raised, in different things that

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have happened to us over time 
that have maybe caused us to 

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lose our authenticity a little 
by little along the way. 

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So many things have shaped us 
into what we are in this moment 

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right now, and it's so important
for us to validate other 

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adoptees and their experiences, 
even if it wasn't something that

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we experienced. 
I have said this before and I 

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will say it again, it does not 
matter if you agree or not. 

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All you have to do is hold space
for that other person and maybe 

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just say, wow, you know, that 
wasn't my experience, so I can't

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really relate. 
But man, I'm sorry you feel that

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way. 
How hard is that to do instead 

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of reacting and making a hateful
comment about you're wrong, 

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that's not the way it is. 
And inflicting your own opinion 

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on somebody else's story. 
I have had many guests on my 

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show and I don't agree with 
everyone's opinions on things, 

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but that doesn't matter. 
I'm there to validate them and 

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hold space for them so that they
can tell their story in the way 

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that they experienced it. 
One example is the book The 

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Primal Wound by Nancy Barrier, 
and there's a lot of adoptees 

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that really do not like her 
number one, because she's giving

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her opinion as an adoptive 
parent and a lot of adoptees get

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triggered just hearing the word 
adoptive parent. 

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Now, I've told you the story 
that my birth mother gave me the

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book The Primal Wound to begin 
with when I was about 20-3 years

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old when I met her. 
Soon after I met her and I read 

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the book and I was so angry that
she gave me that book because I 

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didn't feel like any of it 
applied to me. 

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And how dare she give me a book 
about my feelings and how I 

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should be feeling and how other 
adoptees feel. 

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And that's probably how I feel. 
When she didn't know me from 

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Adam, I was very defensive, very
angry, very triggered, and I 

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don't even remember if I 
finished the book back then. 

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I threw it in the trash. 
No way. 

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That's not me. 
I don't know what you're talking

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about. 
This is garbage. 

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Now, looking back, why did that 
trigger me so much? 

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One of the ways it triggered me 
was it made me super 

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uncomfortable because we weren't
supposed to talk about these 

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things out loud, let alone in a 
book that anybody could read. 

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And another way it triggered me 
is something I just mentioned 

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was it made me feel like my 
birth mother felt like she knew 

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me and I was like, you don't 
know me at all, lady. 

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And lastly, the things that were
mentioned in that book, those 

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weren't me. 
I wasn't traumatized by being 

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adopted. 
Adoption is great. 

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What are you talking about? 
I'm not one of these walking 

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wounded people that you are 
discussing in this book. 

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No, that's not me. 
So I slam dunked Nancy Barrier's

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book in the garbage and that was
that. 

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I ignored these triggers that 
were actually treasures to me, 

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and I didn't stop to think about
why it triggered me so badly. 

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And maybe if I would have 
stopped back then at 23 years 

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old, I wouldn't have half the 
body pain I have in my body from

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carrying trauma for another 15 
years. 

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Probably longer than that, 
because I still have a ton of 

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body pain and I'm still working 
through my trauma. 

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I've stuffed it for so long that
it's caused me physical pain. 

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And it's just over the last 15 
years that I've started to look 

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inside myself 1st and discover 
why I react the way I do. 

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And when I came out of the fog, 
I didn't know that I was coming 

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out of the fog. 
I hadn't heard that term until 

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about a year and a half ago. 
All I knew was that I had to 

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find myself my true self, my 
authenticity. 

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I had to be me. 
I had gifts to give the world I 

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deserved, to be happy. 
I want to fulfill the purpose 

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that I was put here on this 
earth to do. 

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Let me tell you, it isn't the 
most fun thing to look in the 

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mirror and look at yourself and 
take responsibility for where 

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you're at in life. 
It's not fun. 

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It's so much easier to point 
fingers at everyone else around 

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you that it wasn't fair. 
It just wasn't fair. 

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And you know what? 
It probably wasn't fair. 

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And I'm so sorry. 
But this is the fact. 

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The fact is, healing happens 
when you acknowledge without 

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judgment the parts of yourself 
that you would rather ignore. 

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We all have parts of us that we 
want to ignore. 

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Every single one of us. 
But until we look at those parts

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and figure out why they're so 
angry at us, whether it's 

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because we have hid them because
we had to to survive, or maybe 

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these parts were put away in the
shadows because it was easier 

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living day by day without them. 
But when these parts that you 

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have hidden away are truly a 
part of you, then a piece of you

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is missing. 
So acknowledge those parts. 

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Now, those parts of you that are
hidden behind the armor because 

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someone told you not to be that 
way or reacted in a negative 

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manner when you did that thing 
that you do. 

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There's this ancient Chinese 
proverb that says he who blames 

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others has a long way to go on 
his journey. 

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He who blames himself is halfway
there. 

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He who blames no one has 
arrived. 

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There's no room for blame here 
in the healing process, and I 

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know that's hard for a lot of 
people to hear that blame has no

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place in the healing process. 
Because adoptee, I know you have

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been through a lot and sometimes
it was at the hands of someone 

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else, and that is so hard to 
release, so hard. 

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But it's either release it or 
relive it. 

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We repeat what we don't repair 
and the warning signal keeps 

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getting louder and louder and 
louder. 

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It's like that warning light in 
the car. 

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You could ignore that light and 
just keep on driving. 

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You could do that. 
We do it all the time every day 

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and all of a sudden maybe start 
hearing and knocking or 

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squeaking or a noise, but we 
ignore that because the car 

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still goes and it gets me where 
I'm going and it still drives 

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the same. 
It's fine. 

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So we keep on driving down the 
road, the lights still on, the 

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knocking continues, and suddenly
you find yourself on the side of

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the road. 
Maybe there's smoke coming out 

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of the hood. 
Maybe you blew a tire because 

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you didn't pay attention to that
light telling you that you 

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needed to air up your tires. 
Maybe you ignored that warning 

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light, telling you that your 
brake light was out and you got 

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pulled over by the police and 
now you have a ticket. 

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But these lost little parts that
we hid along the way, these 

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little pieces of our 
authenticity, they tap us on the

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shoulder and say, hey, you 
forgot about me back here. 

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I was hidden because you had to.
Which was fine. 

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I totally understand. 
But now I'm ready to come out 

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now. 
I'm ready to be a part of you 

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again. 
It's safe now, but we just keep 

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ignoring the little tap and then
it becomes a little shake on the

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shoulder and we just keep going 
until maybe it becomes this huge

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baseball bat that just hits us 
over the head. 

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At that point, we can't ignore 
it anymore. 

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You all know I was there. 
I felt like I was dying and I 

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still didn't want to stop and 
look. 

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I didn't want to stop and look 
at the light. 

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I didn't want to look at the 
warning light. 

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I didn't want to look in the 
mirror. 

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I didn't want to figure out what
was hidden, what needed to be 

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done. 
It could be painful. 

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I was scared. 
It was the unknown. 

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Who knows what was going to be 
uncovered. 

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But until I was sick and tired 
of being sick and tired and sad 

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and miserable and unhappy and 
just hating life, it was sink or

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swim baby. 
And I decided to swim. 

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And The funny thing is that I 
discovered in looking at these 

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small parts of me was that yes, 
it may have hurt looking and 

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digging these things up for a 
short time, but it was freeing 

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me from long term suffering. 
And that long term suffering is 

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like a slow death, the death of 
you and who you are. 

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The pain sometimes has to be 
greater than the fear. 

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When you finally decide that I 
can't take it anymore, the pain 

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is too great. 
I am ready to face my fears. 

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And you're going to find that 
some of those fears were 

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validated when you uncover them.
And some of those fears are like

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turning your bedroom light on as
a kid when you thought you saw 

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the boogeyman and you realized 
that it was no big deal. 

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Pretty soon the uncovering 
becomes an addiction because it 

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feels so good. 
You just want to have more. 

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You want to have more of 
yourself and you just want to 

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keep releasing and integrating 
things back to you that are 

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authentically you. 
You just want more. 

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And the great outcome of 
becoming more yourself and more 

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authentic is you allow other 
people to do the same and you 

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aren't triggered as much as you 
used to be. 

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You will notice that. 
Have you ever seen someone, or 

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have you had someone in your 
life that gets annoyed about 

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something that other people do, 
but the person complaining does 

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the exact same thing? 
That's because that annoyance 

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that triggers that person is 
something that they don't like 

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about themselves, but they're 
not willing to look inwards at 

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it. 
But they can see it in other 

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people and they don't even 
realize they're doing it. 

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And it's clear as day to other 
people around this person. 

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And don't you want to just say 
that sometimes and just say you 

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do the same thing? 
But that probably wouldn't go 

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over very well. 
Now what it but that kind of 

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brings me back around to Nancy 
Verrier's book The Primal Wound 

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and what's triggered me. 
I think the first thing I said 

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was that we aren't supposed to 
say those things. 

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You can't say those things that 
she said in that book We're not 

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allowed to. 
And why was that triggering? 

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I had to look at myself and 
realize that the anger was 

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coming from me, not feeling like
I had permission to say how I 

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felt about adoption at all. 
I didn't know I could have 

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permission to have feelings 
about it. 

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I didn't know I could voice an 
opinion, and I was envious of 

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Nancy Verrier. 
This woman was saying these 

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things that were supposed to be 
secret, that we weren't supposed

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to say out loud, and not only 
that, the things she was saying.

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I didn't want to admit those 
things might be me, that I could

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be that person in the book, that
I could have this primal wound. 

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It sounded horrible. 
I didn't want to be that person.

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I didn't even want to think that
I could be that person. 

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Which brings me to being 
triggered by my birth mother for

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even giving me the book and 
being so bold as to think that 

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she knew me. 
Why did that make me angry? 

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Is it because I was angry that 
she knew something that maybe I 

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didn't? 
That she knew me better than I 

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knew myself. 
That this stranger that was 

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biologically linked to me knew a
secret about me that I wasn't 

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ready to look at or examine. 
And I definitely wasn't ready at

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23. 
And I wasn't ready until 

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probably two years ago, when I 
repurchased the book and read it

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again and was able to discern 
what I owned and what I didn't 

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own, what rang true for me in 
that book and what didn't. 

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I had to come out of the fog. 
I had to look in the mirror. 

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I had to reexamine everything 
about my life and stand on my 

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own 2 feet, releasing all of 
these people that I blamed for 

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so long, And only then could I 
look at that book and digest it 

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in a way that was helpful. 
I took what I needed and I left 

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what I didn't. 
And let me say a quick word 

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about releasing people. 
When I say release, I don't mean

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forgive. 
I think forgive has kind of a 

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sour taste in your mouth, right 
when you feel like you've been 

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wronged and you feel like if you
forgive this person that you're 

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giving them a get out of jail 
free card. 

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And I totally get those feelings
and I validate that. 

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But when I say release, I don't 
mean forgive not asking you to 

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forget what happened. 
I'm asking you to release 

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yourself from the pain, to 
release yourself from the 

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bitterness of that anger prison.
You're not saying what happened 

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was OK, but you're saying it's 
OK to move on and be happy. 

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Releasing means I'm going to 
stop drinking the poison and 

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hoping the other person dies, 
because that's just not working 

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for me. 
I'm telling you, it's time to 

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live a life that you love and 
let everyone else do the same. 

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You know, I had an SMGI client 
this week that realized this 

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exact same thing. 
She realized that being happy 

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and letting go of her anger 
wasn't saying that it didn't 

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happen. 
And how freeing is that to 

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realize you can be happy and 
live a life that you love and 

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still that doesn't negate what 
happened to you. 

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Now let me be clear. 
I'm not saying that letting go 

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of anger is easy, because I know
it's not. 

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But here's just a little food 
for thought and just listen to 

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what I have to say. 
Sometimes we cling to anger 

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because we are scared that once 
that anger and hate is gone, 

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that we will be forced to deal 
with the pain. 

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But once we do that and start 
looking at the pain and dealing 

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with the pain, that is where 
freedom and power are. 

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Freedom and power are in the 
healing process. 

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So let's flip the script on our 
triggers and let's look at our 

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triggers as treasures. 
Treasures to look for and dig up

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and discover and be curious 
about instead of reacting. 

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If you know me, you know I love 
quotes and I have this quote on 

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my wall and it's from someone 
unknown. 

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And it says the more you hide 
your feelings, the more they 

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show. 
The more you deny your feelings,

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the more they grow. 
So, so true. 

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So I'm asking the adoptee 
community to come together and 

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to stop hurting one another. 
There is enough space for all of

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us. 
There's enough space for all of 

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our stories. 
There's enough space for all of 

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our viewpoints and beliefs, and 
there's definitely enough space 

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for love, love, understanding, 
and validation. 

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I respect your opinion and I 
hope you respect mine. 

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That is it for my PS:. 
A, A Today. 

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I hope I gave you some food for 
thought. 

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And as always, take what you 
need and leave what you don't. 

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And always remember to mind your
own karma. 

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I'll see you next time.