Hey there, it's Melissa Brunetti, and welcome to the
Mind Your Own Karma podcast. Hey there, Karma crew, Thanks
for joining me for this episode of Mind Your Own Karma, The
Adoption Chronicles. As always, I'm so grateful to
have you here with me, tuning in as we navigate the many layers
of adoption stories together. Today, I want to share an update
from last week's episode. It's something small but
significant for me. As you can imagine if you
listened last week. If you didn't catch last week's
episode in a nutshell, about a month ago, I learned about my
birth mother's cancer diagnosis. While I'm still working to find
out more details about her condition, I've decided to take
a small step forward that feels safe and manageable for me.
I am going to send her a get well card.
Now, this might not sound like a big deal for many of you, but
for me it's huge. It's a huge moment to just pause
and acknowledge her situation without pushing myself into a
space that I might not be ready for yet.
It feels like the right thing to do for now, and it keeps the
lines of communication open in a way that I'm comfortable with.
What's kind of interesting is that even as I make this
decision, I find myself still not feeling a lot of strong
emotions surrounding this. There are moments when it
crosses my mind, but it just doesn't feel overwhelming or
super deeply personal yet, and I think that's OK.
I've learned through my journey that feelings don't always come
on demand, and sometimes neutrality can be part of the
process. Although, you know, the thought
of losing her before I do process this is kind of a scary
thought. But I can only control myself
and do what I can to cause no regrets on my end.
And maybe that's why I'm not feeling much because the
history's been repeated rejection, so why put too much
of myself out there? And I'm sure a lot of you can
understand where I'm coming from with that.
And to be fair, after talking on last week's episode about how
trauma can distort our interpretation of things
sometimes, I am fully aware that what I feel to be multiple
rejections from her might just be a misinterpretation on my
part of her really trying to navigate her own trauma.
So I just want to put that out there.
It doesn't negate my feelings at all.
Because my feelings are valid. And because I don't communicate
about or I'm not able to communicate any of this to her,
what do I have left but to see it as it is?
It's not right or wrong, it just is.
That being said, I've been reflecting on how this situation
touches other parts of my adoption story.
Her diagnosis has me thinking more about her life and even my
own health history. Obviously, I will keep you all
updated as things unfold. And with that, let's dive into
today's episode. So again, I'm so glad you've
joined me today as I dive into a topic that's both personal and
universal for many adoptees, the search for home and belonging.
As adoptees, we often hear that home is where the heart is.
But what happens when your heart feels scattered or disconnected,
or you can't feel it at all? So today, we're going to explore
what it means to find home within ourselves.
Because let's face it, at the end of the day, no matter where
we've been or who we've been with, we are our own home.
Yet the complexities of adoption and being an adoptee can
sometimes make it feel like we aren't a safe place to land.
When you don't know who you are or what you're about, you are a
stranger even to yourself. And so many adoptees are
frightened of the journey to find themselves.
What am I gonna uncover? What if I don't like myself?
What if I can't handle what I find out?
And these are all super valid questions and fears when you've
been overwhelmed by life circumstances and it feels like
there is no hope. But there is.
This feeling of not belonging can lead many of us on a
perpetual search through multiple relationships, multiple
jobs, multiple friendships, or even multiple places to live.
We're searching for that sense of safety and belonging, often
without realizing that it's something that we can cultivate
within ourselves. In today's episode, I'll share
my thoughts on this journey and why it's so common among
adoptees and how I was able to embrace the idea that I am my
own home. So let's talk about the search
for home for so many adoptees. This search is a reoccurring
theme throughout our lives, isn't it?
It's not always obvious at first.
Sometimes it looks like bouncing between jobs, trying to find a
career that feels like the perfect fit.
Or maybe it's having multiple relationships looking for that
person who will finally make us feel whole.
And other times, it's about physical spaces, moving from
city to city, state to state, or even country to country, hoping
that the next place will feel comfortable and secure.
For me, I've experienced this search in different ways.
I've had moments where I've questioned if I ever truly feel
settled or rooted anywhere. It's kind of like a tree that
the roots are growing on the surface, ready to like, bend OR
break at any moment because you're not strongly rooted where
you are. And what I've come to realize is
that this search is deeply tied to our adoption stories.
Being separated from biological families can create this
underlying feeling of displacement, like we're always
looking for something we can't quite name or find.
And that's part of our fog, isn't it?
I've had the privilege of hearing so many adoptee stories
now, and it's truly amazing how even though we have all had
different experiences, there's so many common themes they just
cannot be ignored. Themes that society sweeps under
the rug and are unwilling to accept.
And belonging and feeling at home is a huge one for us that
people just don't understand. It's as if we're trying to fill
a void, but that void isn't necessarily outside of us.
It's really an internal longing, isn't it?
It's a desire to feel safe and at peace within ourselves.
And when that peace feels out of reach, we often try to find it
externally. And that might feel like a
temporary fix, but it never lasts, does it?
It doesn't. All the things that we try to
distract ourselves with, to feel better, just to get through
another day operating in survival mode.
When we operate every day in survival mode, At some point it
all becomes too much to carry. And maybe you feel that way
right now. I know that space all too well.
I did it and it literally almost killed me.
I was forced to make the journey to find myself.
But I haven't regretted it. Not for one single day.
And I promise you that you won't regret it either.
It's not easy, but what's worse is living in misery every day.
Living in fear of the unknown can be debilitating.
But what's beyond that fear? What's waiting for you out there
in the unknown? There could be some heartache,
but what if there is peace and joy?
What if there is a feeling of belonging no matter where you're
at? That's what's on the other side.
So why does home feel so complicated for us adoptees?
I think a lot of it comes down to the idea of safety, emotional
safety, to be specific. When you're adopted, even in the
best of circumstances, there's often an underlying sense of
instability. You start your life with this
major rupture, being separated from your biological family, and
that can create this subconscious belief that the
world just isn't a safe place. And if the world doesn't feel
safe, it can be hard to feel safe within ourselves.
For many adoptees, this lack of internal safety shows up in how
we interact with others. Maybe we're people pleasers,
always trying to keep the peace so we don't risk losing the
people that we care about. Or maybe we keep people at arm's
length, afraid to let them get too close.
Either way, it's hard to feel at home when you don't trust
yourself to be a safe place. How are we supposed to trust
anyone else in that circumstance?
So what can we do? We can recognize the way
adoption has shaped our sense of self and find ways to rebuild
that trust with ourselves. It's not an overnight process.
Man, I wish it was, but it's not.
But it does start with small steps, being honest about your
feelings, setting some boundaries that feel good to
you, and reminding yourself that you are enough just the way you
are. Realizing that it just doesn't
matter how others perceive us, because that really doesn't
matter. So why are we wasting time and
energy on what others say or think about us?
Instead, let's focus on what we can control, which is our
thoughts and our actions. If you feel a sense of pride in
yourself, it really doesn't matter what others think of you.
If you know in your heart that you are doing your best and are
continuing to focus on yourself, your goals, and your dreams,
that's the key to freedom and happiness.
You do have control over that. You might not have been able to
control a lot of things that have happened to you, but you do
have control over your thoughts and actions, and that is all
that you need. That's it.
Are you sick and tired of feeling sick and tired yet?
Because no one's going to make you make the changes that need
to happen for you to feel better.
No one is going to save you but you.
And the good news is you have the power to do that right now,
in this moment. It might be a small something
that you want to accomplish, or it could be a huge rearranging
of your entire life. Just start.
So how do we embrace the idea that we are home?
For me, it starts with understanding that home is not a
physical place or a relationship.
It's a feeling, it's that sense of peace and belonging that
comes when you accept yourself fully.
Flaws and all. We all have them, all of us.
And sometimes what we see as flaws can actually be what makes
us unique and can actually become a superpower if we allow
it to be revealed. For instance, when I was a kid,
I was able to sense and see things that others didn't sense
or see, and I was terrified. Some people call that
hypersensitivity due to our trauma as adoptees, but I have
used that in my career as a healthcare worker and now in my
somatic practice with my clients.
I am way more empathetic and intuitive, which now is a gift
that I can use to connect and better understand what others
are going through. And that connection allows for a
faster and more effective result for those that I work with.
So something that felt so crippling as a child has really
morphed into a huge advantage for me and my clients, for both
of us. Another thing that's helped me
on this journey is practicing self compassion.
This is huge. As adoptees, we can really be
hard on ourselves, especially if we feel like we're not living up
to expectations. I really hate that word
expectations, whether those are our own or someone else's.
And let's be real here, expectations are most likely
coming from outside of ourselves.
It's a fear that we will upset someone else and we allow that
fear to dictate what we do. But self compassion reminds us
that we are human. We are allowed to make mistakes.
We're allowed to feel lost. We're allowed to take our time
finding our way. So be kind to yourself and don't
allow others judgments sidetrack you from your goals.
Make that the motivation to accomplish them to live a better
life. Another thing that's been
helpful is reconnecting with my body through somatic practices.
But the more I've worked on grounding myself and tuning into
my physical sensations instead of tuning out, the more I've
started to feel at home in my own skin.
Your body has a language and it's always trying to tell you
something important. And when we tune out, we are
opening ourselves up to mental and physical disease.
I cannot tell you how many patients I see on a daily basis
at work that have thousands of dollars invested in tests that
find nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Science is finding out that when we don't communicate with the
feelings and emotions we are experiencing, those things get
stored in our bodies and can manifest as illness.
It is a fact. We have to start tuning in and
listening, getting rid of all kinds of things our body is
storing and caring for us that no longer serve us.
And this therefore makes room for parts of us that need to be
revealed in order to have a sense of inner peace.
And finally, I think it's important to surround yourself
with people who make you feel seen and valued for who you are,
whether that's friends, family, or a supportive community.
Having those connections are huge and can remind you that
you're not alone on this journey.
Surround yourself with people that energize you.
If you are still struggling with exactly where to start, I want
to give you this suggestion. Write a list of things you would
like, another list of things that you want, and a last list
of things that you would love. They don't have to make sense,
just write them down. Take the list of the things you
would love and number them in order of importance to you.
Take the top two and every day start working towards those two
things. If you find yourself working on
other things or scrolling for hours on TikTok, then you have
the time to set aside for some things that you really want.
How bad do you want them? Because no one's going to do it
for you. But you have to be ready to do
some work. You might not feel ready and you
might even feel scared. And in those moments are when we
accomplish the most and feel the most proud of ourselves.
Just do it anyway and I promise you, you will feel so good about
yourself. Stop allowing long term
suffering and make the choice to achieve long term peace and joy
in your life. As we wrap up today's episode, I
want to leave you with this thought.
Home isn't something you have to search for outside of yourself,
It's something you can create within.
Yes, the journey to finding that sense of home can be
challenging, especially when adoption adds so many layers of
complexity, but it's also one of the most rewarding journeys you
will ever take. And then you can help others
that are struggling on their journey too, and it's a great
feeling. If you are struggling, don't
forget that. I am a Somatic Mindful Guided
Imagery practitioner and I would love to chat with you about
whatever it is that you want to grow, diminish, or achieve in
your life. Just go to
somatichealingjourneys.com to schedule a free consultation
with me. If you would like to be a guest
on Mind Your Own Karma, you can DM me or e-mail me at
mindyourownkarma@gmail.com. There is another adoptee out
there needing to hear your story.
Thank you for being here with me today and for sharing this
space. If this episode resonated with
you, I would love to hear your thoughts or stories about your
own search for home and belonging.
All the ways to get in touch with me are in the show notes.
Until next time, Karma crew, take care of yourselves and
remember. Take what you need and leave
what you don't. And always remember to mind your
own karma. I'll see you next time.
This podcast is created for educational purposes by the
telling of adoption experiences. The views expressed in this
podcast may not be those of the host or Mind Your Own Karma.