1 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:01,200 Hey there. It's Melissa. 2 00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:04,700 Brunetti and welcome to the mind your own Karma podcast. 3 00:00:15,900 --> 00:00:18,400 Hey there Karma crew. I hope you are enjoying the 4 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:22,200 holidays, it's almost Christmas and it is almost to the end of 5 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,900 2020 to already. It's gone by so fast, it's been 6 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,900 crazy. But I want to thank you all for 7 00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:31,800 hanging in there with me on December 21st. 8 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:36,500 It will be one year that I have been publishing a podcast for 9 00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:38,500 you. And as you know, if you've been 10 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:41,300 following me about halfway through the year, I decided to 11 00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:47,200 Pivot and Do adoption now. So I am enjoying it so much and 12 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:51,200 I just want to thank you because my audience has been growing and 13 00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:56,400 Spotify is kind of linked to Anchor who who publishes my 14 00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:01,000 podcast for me and they sent me a little video of all my 15 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,800 accomplishments over this last year. 16 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,800 I could not believe I had no clue. 17 00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:10,500 I had no clue. That I was being listened to in 18 00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:13,100 17 countries around. The world. 19 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,700 I had no clue that I have produced. 20 00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:25,700 Over 1,700 minutes of content. I had no idea that I produced 98 21 00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:31,400 percent more content than any other podcast in my category. 22 00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:37,800 I had no idea that my podcast was in the top. 20% of most 23 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:41,900 shared podcasts globally. I'm in the top 25. 24 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:45,000 Percent of most followed podcasts. 25 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,600 And all of this is unbelievable to me. 26 00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:51,100 I am putting out a podcast every week. 27 00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:57,000 I had no idea that any of this was happening and so, I'm 28 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,800 ecstatic. Thank you Spotify, for giving me 29 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:04,800 that video, and that's just Spotify that doesn't account for 30 00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:07,100 any of the other platforms that I'm on. 31 00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:11,000 So who knows where this podcast is going. 32 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,800 It is so Exciting. I'm just so proud of myself. 33 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:20,000 I will have done just over 60 episodes this year, including my 34 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,100 karma files and a couple of bonus episodes. 35 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,700 So I'm just Trucking along guys. And I just want to thank you 36 00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:31,100 guys for coming along with me all the support you've given me. 37 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,700 Thank you, thank you. Thank you all the people I've 38 00:02:33,700 --> 00:02:38,200 met and collaborations and things, I'm just my mind is 39 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,100 blown. My mind is really blown. 40 00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:41,900 I'm going to post this little video. 41 00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:44,800 You on my social media. So if you want to look at it, 42 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,000 it's kind of cool while the graphics and stuff and I was 43 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,800 just like watching it going. Oh my God, oh my God, this is so 44 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,400 great. So anyways I'll put it on social 45 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:56,500 media if you want to watch it. But today what I have for you 46 00:02:56,500 --> 00:03:00,600 is, you know, I'm kind of thinking the New Year's coming 47 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:04,300 and I'm wondering if there's any adoptees out there that are 48 00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:08,600 making a promise to go find their birth families. 49 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,900 And if you've been listening to this podcast for any amount of 50 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:16,300 time, I am you have heard a couple of reunions stories and 51 00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:20,300 you've heard me talk about mine and how the twists and turns and 52 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:25,000 how sometimes it doesn't go. Well most times it doesn't go 53 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:29,100 well. So I kind of wanted to give you 54 00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:33,900 some ideas and things to think about if you are going to go on 55 00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:38,900 the Journey of finding your biological family, whether it be 56 00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:42,900 parents, whether it be siblings that you find, And there's some 57 00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:48,600 things that I didn't think about when I was doing it and I wish 58 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:51,300 someone would have said some of these things to me, so I'm going 59 00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:54,400 to bring them to you today. So there's usually something 60 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,600 that kind of triggers a person to want to look. 61 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,900 Now there are those people that have thought about it their 62 00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:04,700 entire lives that as soon as they turned 18 that they were 63 00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:09,000 going to search, but usually there's something that triggers 64 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:13,100 you to want to search for me. Was going to be starting a 65 00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:16,200 family. And I had found out that 66 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:22,300 possibly my birth mother had some, you know, genetic familial 67 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,700 neurological things that could be hereditary. 68 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:29,900 And so I wanted to know, I wanted to know what happened. 69 00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:33,300 Did they figure it out? What did they finally diagnosed 70 00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:35,100 her with? Is it something that I could 71 00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:38,600 pass down or something that I could get eventually? 72 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,900 I just wanted to know all those things along with one. 73 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,300 Waiting to see somebody that looked like me, and I wanted to 74 00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:49,200 hear my birth story and, you know, I had a thousand questions 75 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:54,000 as most adoptees do. So the first thing to do would 76 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,900 be ask yourself, why do I want to search? 77 00:04:57,300 --> 00:05:02,300 Because for me, like I said, if nothing else, if my birth, 78 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:08,000 family did not want to meet me, the least that I wanted was some 79 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:12,200 medical information for myself and future Generations that Be 80 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:16,500 coming for me. So if anything that would be 81 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:22,000 what I would ask for in my initial contact, you know, I 82 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,900 would say you have every right to not meet me. 83 00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:30,700 If that is what you want to do, but please, if you could just 84 00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:35,200 give me some medical information if that at the very least. 85 00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:41,600 So, get your why written down so that when you go searching and 86 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:44,900 you and someone that you can kind of put that forward and see 87 00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:48,500 if you can get your, why answered the other thing to 88 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:54,800 start doing is read books. There's so many biographies out 89 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,000 there about adoptees their Journeys. 90 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,400 What happened? In their reunions? 91 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,500 How they handled it, how they healed. 92 00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:08,400 Listen to podcasts. There's so many adoption 93 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:13,000 podcasts out there that tell stories, this one There's others 94 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,800 out there. So you can kind of get an idea 95 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:20,900 of maybe, what to expect the next thing. 96 00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:25,900 I think that you should do is join some like-minded groups. 97 00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:29,700 So, like I'm always saying, Fireside adoptees is a great 98 00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:32,900 place to go. There's other adoptees sites on 99 00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:38,100 Facebook and Instagram, join those and start reading some of 100 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:41,400 the posts that people are posting and start posting 101 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,200 yourself. Elves. 102 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,900 You know, we have a zoom call come to the zoom calls. 103 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:48,800 You will learn so much and you will hear other people telling 104 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,800 their stories. So again, you will have a 105 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:56,200 support system on top of kind, of learning. 106 00:06:56,200 --> 00:07:01,100 What to possibly expect when you start searching, it's a great 107 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:04,100 resource and it will kind of prepare you for. 108 00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:06,100 Like I said, things that might happen. 109 00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:11,800 There are also reunions sites there's some on Facebook where 110 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:17,500 You can have a search Angel help you for free, find your 111 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:22,300 relatives and they have a pretty great success rate, they've 112 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:26,400 helped a lot of people. So there's a resource for you as 113 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:29,100 well. When I searched I didn't have 114 00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:31,800 the internet back then there was no Facebook. 115 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:36,000 This was the early 90s and I had to hire somebody to find my 116 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:40,200 birth mother and then from there was able to find my birth father 117 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,700 and this and that. So Got all the connections 118 00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:48,900 connected so to speak. But nowadays, you've got the 119 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,600 internet. There's so much out there. 120 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,900 So get on Google and start researching. 121 00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:58,000 Just get as much information as you can. 122 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:04,000 Another great idea would be to buy a journal and not only to 123 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,200 write down your feelings and everything that's going on a 124 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,300 safe place for you to kind of emotive about whatever. 125 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:15,400 But it's also, Great place to keep notes about what you're 126 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:19,100 finding as well as what you're feeling and thinking and it's 127 00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:22,200 kind of crazy for me because I had all these questions that I, 128 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:26,100 you know, really wanted answers. And so I did get those answers. 129 00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:30,700 But man, when I think back, I don't remember the answers. 130 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,600 Like, I really wanted to hear my birth story and I don't remember 131 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:38,000 any of it that she told me. So if I would have had a journal 132 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:41,400 back then and wrote all that down, then I would have 133 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,299 something. Going to go back and look at the 134 00:08:43,299 --> 00:08:46,100 sequence of things and just kind of help me jar, my memory, I 135 00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:47,900 don't know. Like it's so weird. 136 00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:52,200 How it's just like blocked or something, it's just not there, 137 00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:55,100 I don't remember it. I don't know what happened but 138 00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:57,900 now I really wish that I would have written it down. 139 00:08:57,900 --> 00:09:00,200 I guess at the time, I thought, oh, I'm really going to remember 140 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,400 this because it's so important to me and then I don't know what 141 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,600 happened. So journaling would be a great 142 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,400 idea. Like I said not only to put your 143 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,800 thoughts down but also put down the facts that you're finding. 144 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,700 Out so that you can go back and look at those later. 145 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:18,300 If you forget and heck, maybe you'll use your journals to 146 00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:20,400 write an autobiography. Someday, who knows? 147 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:24,000 So, it's just a great resource to keep things straight and keep 148 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,800 track of things. The next thing that you want to 149 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:30,900 do, if you're going to search, is gather all the documents and 150 00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:35,300 information that you have, and even in ones that you can get 151 00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:38,200 some states, you can get your original birth certificates. 152 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:41,800 So you want to get all the papers. 153 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:45,200 Together and collected. So birth certificates, adoption 154 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,800 papers, baptismal. Certificates. 155 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:52,300 What adoption agency. What was the name and address? 156 00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:54,400 Were there any attorneys involved? 157 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,500 Social workers involved? What hospital were you born in 158 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,000 all these things are going to help you. 159 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,800 Find those people that you are looking for. 160 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:07,100 You never know where you are, going to find a small little 161 00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:11,000 clue. That's going to open the door to 162 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,200 everything that Been searching for for me. 163 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,400 I was going through my health record at my doctor's office. 164 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,500 I was sitting in the waiting room, just thumbing through to 165 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:25,400 see if there were any clues in there and there was my birth 166 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:30,600 mother's name in writing from her doctor and I was just in 167 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,500 shock. I was like, oh my gosh, that's 168 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:36,200 my birth mother's name, it was just kind of crazy. 169 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:40,100 It was just staring right back at me after, you know, 23 years. 170 00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:42,800 So you just never know. Or you're going to find that 171 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,600 little nugget that's going to just catapult you and into 172 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,900 finding these people that you're looking for. 173 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,300 So once you've kind of got these preliminary things out of the 174 00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:57,500 way, you want to make sure that before you search, you are in a 175 00:10:57,500 --> 00:11:01,000 good place. So after you've heard a couple 176 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:05,100 of these adoption reunions stories, you're going to see why 177 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:09,600 because there's so many things that can happen during this 178 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:14,500 process, that it can get Literally crazy and make you 179 00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,600 crazy. So if you're going through say 180 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,400 you're moving, or you're going through a divorce or you're 181 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:24,100 getting ready to have a baby or, you know, some big huge life 182 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,300 change that's going to be stressful. 183 00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:31,900 You might want to wait a little bit, wait for the right time 184 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,000 when you are searching, you are going to go through. 185 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:41,800 So many emotions and feelings searching is not for the weak of 186 00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:44,700 of heart. So if you are not in a good 187 00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:47,500 place, get yourself in a good place. 188 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:52,500 Before you start searching, because it can be mentally and 189 00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:57,800 emotionally draining along with 5,000 other things. 190 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:03,000 So make sure you're in a good spot, make sure you have a 191 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,100 support system. You have people that you can 192 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:09,200 talk to like I was saying earlier, because it really is a 193 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,900 crazy journey and anything can happen. 194 00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:16,600 Happen at any time. So you just have to be prepared 195 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,200 and I don't know if you can ever be fully prepared but try and be 196 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,000 prepared as possible. That's my goal in this episode 197 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:30,000 for you today and a good thing to do would be to figure out how 198 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:34,300 you distress. What are your coping skills when 199 00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,700 you are in a stressful situation? 200 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:43,400 Because I mean, even in regular non-adoption Bishop's, there's 201 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:47,600 always crazy things going on. So what do you do to de-stress 202 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:52,800 and decompress and have those things in your brain before you 203 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:57,600 start doing a reunions process? Whether it's exercise or 204 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,800 meditation or yoga? Are you just go for a walk by 205 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:04,700 yourself somewhere or you watch TV, read a book, whatever it is 206 00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:07,300 for you. Make sure you have those things 207 00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:10,000 in your back pocket. Ready to pull out when the 208 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,500 stress comes. And there might be times in the 209 00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:18,500 reunions research process where you need to take a break, you 210 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:22,500 know, you might hit a dead end, you might hit a wall and you 211 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:25,500 might just need to step away for a little bit and come back to 212 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:29,700 it. Don't force anything, listen to 213 00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:33,700 your body and do what you need to do, for self care during this 214 00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:36,400 time because it's not going to go. 215 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:41,000 Well, if you are all hyped up amped up stressed. 216 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:46,200 Ridden, it's not good for you and it's not going to be good 217 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:50,600 for the reunions process. If you go into it stressed out 218 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:54,100 and at this point again, I'm going to mention how important 219 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:58,700 it is to have that support system of other adoptees. 220 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,300 Now you might, you know, use your significant other or best 221 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:05,900 friend as a sounding board. But you are going to find out 222 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:09,000 that they might be there to listen, but they're not going to 223 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:14,000 fully understand what. We're going through and you 224 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,500 might even feel judged by them a little bit, like why are you 225 00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:20,100 freaking out over this one thing? 226 00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:22,800 Like it's not that big of a deal but a lot of people don't 227 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,400 realize. These little details are huge 228 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:31,400 for adoptees and so you need to have fellow adoptees as sounding 229 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,700 boards for you. During this time, when you are 230 00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:39,500 experiencing things, that only adoptees have experienced and 231 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:44,100 only adoptees are going to be able to, Be an empathetic ear 232 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:48,800 that will understand exactly what you are going through. 233 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:53,300 I can't tell you how many times it's been super frustrating to 234 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:58,100 me trying to get an adoptee thought, through to someone 235 00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,500 who's not adopted. They just don't get it. 236 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:05,300 So, let's just skip that process of frustration and just get 237 00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:08,000 somebody. That's an adoptee, that knows 238 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,000 what you're going through, can understand and be empathetic 239 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,600 towards you. The reunions process. 240 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:19,700 The next thing I want to talk about is probably the biggest 241 00:15:20,700 --> 00:15:24,300 obstacle. I think that most people run up 242 00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:29,100 against when they are searching and in reunions and that is 243 00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:33,100 expectations, expectations are huge. 244 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:38,500 And I personally didn't think I had expectations until recently 245 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:41,500 when I was in an adoptee Zoom meeting. 246 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:48,200 And I realized that one, huge expectation that I didn't even 247 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,800 think of as an expectation at the time was I wasn't expecting 248 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:56,400 my birth family to not like some things about me. 249 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:59,800 Why would they not like me? Like I'm a good person, I'm a 250 00:15:59,808 --> 00:16:03,200 great person so this is going to go, great right? 251 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,500 I mean what's there not to like about me. 252 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:13,000 So I went to into it, you know thinking like that and And I 253 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,700 wasn't what my birth mother expected. 254 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:21,000 She wondered why I didn't have certain hair color and eye color 255 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,300 and why I was a certain height and why this and why I look like 256 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:29,200 that and I was just like, wow, I felt super judged in the moment. 257 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,400 And you know, the other thing was why is she so guarded? 258 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:37,300 And, you know, she's not coming across as open and I felt 259 00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:41,100 totally open to the process. I mean, of course there was a 260 00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:42,400 lot to process. Process. 261 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:46,500 So maybe it was not so I don't know. 262 00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:50,400 I just was kind of shocked at the reactions. 263 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:55,900 I was getting sometimes because it wasn't what I was expecting. 264 00:16:56,000 --> 00:17:01,600 So there's that word. Expectations don't try to have 265 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:07,200 any even after you've met these people and things seemed to be 266 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,900 going. Great, mine went great for 267 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:14,000 years. Until it went off the tracks. 268 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:19,800 So you just don't know what exactly is going on in people's 269 00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:23,700 lives in their brains. What trauma? 270 00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:27,000 They've been through through the adoption process, especially the 271 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,400 birth mother. So you just kind of have to 272 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:34,200 realize that you're both traumatized and you are going to 273 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:38,300 react sometimes from that place and especially the birth mother. 274 00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:42,900 She's had maybe expectations since the last Last time she saw 275 00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:47,800 your face if she ever saw your face, and those expectations 276 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,700 could be huge. And it could be something that 277 00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:53,200 nobody would ever be able to live up to. 278 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,800 She might want to be your mother. 279 00:17:55,900 --> 00:18:00,600 Well, maybe you have an adoptive mother that you love and you 280 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,800 don't need another mother. So now, what, which is another 281 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:10,800 huge part of expectation is where did this person that 282 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,800 you're meeting? Where do they see themselves 283 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:19,800 fitting in to your family? And where are you going to fit 284 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:24,200 into their family? A lot of times, they haven't 285 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:28,100 even told anyone that you exist. There's a lot of birth father's. 286 00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:32,700 It didn't even know they had a child out there and you're 287 00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:35,700 knocking on their door or phone calling them. 288 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:40,300 Hi. I did some DNA and I think I'm 289 00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:45,000 your child and you Know that can be very shocking and who knows 290 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,000 how they're going to react in that moment. 291 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,700 I mean, gosh I don't even I can't even imagine being put in 292 00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:54,500 that situation. It would be Joy Terror. 293 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,400 I'd be angry. There's just so much. 294 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:01,400 And so those people are going to react through that trauma that 295 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:05,000 they're just found out that they have a kid that they never even 296 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,900 knew about and that might get reflected to you. 297 00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,600 So you have to try and not take things. 298 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,400 Personally because they're reacting out of a totally 299 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,700 different place and it has probably nothing to do with you. 300 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:24,500 There are birth mothers that have never told anybody that 301 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:27,300 they were pregnant or very few people. 302 00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:32,400 So maybe their current family and her kids don't even know you 303 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:36,500 exist. So when you knock on that door 304 00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:41,500 and she opens it, you might get not a very good reception. 305 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:48,400 Because whoa, I'm face-to-face with what happened 40 years ago 306 00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:51,600 and I thought I was never going to have to think about that 307 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,400 again. And I really don't want to 308 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,000 because it was very traumatic. So there could be so many 309 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,800 different scenarios you have no idea. 310 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,400 I know most adoptees have, you know, they dream up. 311 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,300 Like what? Oh my you know Mom could be a 312 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,300 princess and my dad could be a rock star or something. 313 00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:16,600 I mean You don't know, they could be anybody, but you don't 314 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,900 know what they've gone through and where they're at and who 315 00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:23,500 they've told and who knows, who doesn't know there's so much. 316 00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:27,000 So when you knock on that door, make that phone call, you have 317 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:31,200 to be ready for any kind of reaction and just try not to 318 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,300 take it personal when the reaction happens because it like 319 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:37,800 I said, it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to 320 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,300 do with whatever has happened to them. 321 00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:45,500 So the best thing you can do is just try and be as flexible and 322 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:51,100 open-minded to the process as possible, because anything, and 323 00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:54,800 everything can happen once you take the lid off, Pandora's Box 324 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,300 and even after it's been off for a while, things can just 325 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:03,500 automatically all of a sudden go sideways and you're just like 326 00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:06,100 what just happened. I've heard that from many 327 00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:10,100 adoptees like one day she just called me and said, I don't want 328 00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:12,900 to do this anymore and that's kind of what Happened to me, my 329 00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:16,200 birth mother sent me a letter and she said, you know, if you 330 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:20,200 want to know medical type of questions and things like that, 331 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:25,800 then you can contact me. But if it's anything to do with 332 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,800 relationship, I'm not interested. 333 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:34,200 So I had a second rejection after, I don't know, maybe Five, 334 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:38,900 six, seven years after reunions. When I was just kind of 335 00:21:38,908 --> 00:21:43,100 Blindsided at that point, I knew things weren't great, but I 336 00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:45,600 didn't think they were like that, and I don't know what 337 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,800 happened, and I really think it's II. 338 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,500 Can't take that on, it wasn't me. 339 00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:51,900 It was something going on with her. 340 00:21:51,900 --> 00:21:54,500 So you know what, that's where she was at. 341 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,900 I have to have some compassion for it, because I can't imagine 342 00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,500 the trauma that she went through. 343 00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:03,300 And maybe she was in the fog and maybe coming out of the Fog, I 344 00:22:03,308 --> 00:22:06,200 don't know, I don't know, she's still alive. 345 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,400 So, you know, I do hold out. Hope that things might get 346 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,800 better but I'm not going to expect it. 347 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:17,300 The expectations when they crash is not fun. 348 00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:21,100 So, whatever happens happens and I'm going to just try and be 349 00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:26,000 open-minded and flexible in my own situation but I think just 350 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,800 trying to figure out where these people fit into your life. 351 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:35,700 After reunions can be very tough and I think that's something 352 00:22:35,700 --> 00:22:37,800 that kind of needs to be discussed. 353 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,900 I know it's difficult to have these hard conversations with 354 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:45,600 your birth family when you've just met them and it could be, 355 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:49,800 it might be an exciting time and so you don't want to bring it 356 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,100 down by bringing up these serious conversations. 357 00:22:53,100 --> 00:22:57,400 But I think the more communication that is out there 358 00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,700 the better the reunions going to go. 359 00:22:59,700 --> 00:23:04,200 So Be open and honest. If you don't want another mother 360 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,800 figure in your life, you know, I kind of felt like my birth mom 361 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:12,300 was kind of like an aunt or a cousin, you know, like we had a 362 00:23:12,308 --> 00:23:18,100 lot in common and so it was fun. Like I saw that mirroring but I 363 00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:22,300 didn't need another mom. So that's kind of where things 364 00:23:22,300 --> 00:23:25,600 got stuck to I think. But we never had a discussion 365 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,000 about it. We never talked about it, so 366 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,900 maybe it would have been something we could have worked 367 00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:31,900 out. Out, but she closed the door 368 00:23:31,900 --> 00:23:34,700 pretty much there. I had to respect. 369 00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:38,400 I had to respect it just like I would have expected her to 370 00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:42,000 respect my decision, if I had decided to cut things off as 371 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,500 well. The second rejection is not fun 372 00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:50,800 but it's okay. I'm okay, i-i'm it is what it is 373 00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:54,700 and I'm okay with it. I'm still open to the process of 374 00:23:54,700 --> 00:23:57,300 whatever happens. And if nothing happens, I'm open 375 00:23:57,300 --> 00:24:01,300 to that as well and all these things are Really important to 376 00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:05,400 think about before you search because you have no idea how 377 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:11,200 fast the process can go. And before, you know it, someone 378 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:14,900 saying I have your mother's phone number and I'm ready to 379 00:24:14,900 --> 00:24:17,900 call her. So, you have to think of these 380 00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:21,200 things before the search, you have to be ready for an 381 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:26,100 emotional roller coaster and just hang on. 382 00:24:26,100 --> 00:24:29,100 And that is why you shouldn't go into it. 383 00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:31,900 When You aren't in a great place. 384 00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:35,900 It's just not going to work out. Well, you are going to be 385 00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:41,200 putting a ton of emotional energy into this process so just 386 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:46,300 be patient go at your own pace and just know that there's going 387 00:24:46,300 --> 00:24:49,300 to be twists and turns and it's okay to take a break from the 388 00:24:49,300 --> 00:24:51,100 search. The other thing you need to 389 00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:57,200 think about is setting boundaries and I know that 390 00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:00,600 that's going to kind of be difficult because you might Not 391 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,700 know what those boundaries are until you meet the person. 392 00:25:04,100 --> 00:25:07,000 But if you listen to other adoptee reunions stories, you 393 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:11,400 might have a little bit of an idea on what boundaries you 394 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:15,300 might have to make. I know the temptation to Jump. 395 00:25:15,300 --> 00:25:19,500 Right. In with both feet is a thing and 396 00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:23,500 something that a lot of adoptees and people that are in reunions 397 00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:28,200 want to do, but it's probably best if you slow down that 398 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:32,500 process a little bit. So that you can examine 399 00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:38,700 expectations and communication and boundaries and just have a 400 00:25:38,900 --> 00:25:44,500 you know I'll talk to you once a week at first or don't jump 401 00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:50,200 right into going to meet them and see them maybe do a FaceTime 402 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:56,300 first and just go slow you don't know these people, you don't 403 00:25:56,300 --> 00:25:59,900 know them and so you want to get to know them a little bit. 404 00:26:00,300 --> 00:26:05,000 That you can make some of those boundaries before things get out 405 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,500 of hand, and you jump in too quickly and then it's hard to 406 00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:12,200 pull back at that point and then when you are pulling back you're 407 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,200 going to hurt have some hurt feelings. 408 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,700 So it's best. If you just go slow in the 409 00:26:16,708 --> 00:26:19,700 beginning, I know how hard that can be. 410 00:26:20,100 --> 00:26:25,300 So it's it's not ideal but really in the long run it's more 411 00:26:25,300 --> 00:26:31,400 healthy that way it's okay to look at Or why and why you 412 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:38,300 wanted to search and just go with that subject first and be 413 00:26:38,300 --> 00:26:41,800 like, you know, I really just wanted to get some medical 414 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:46,400 background and get to know you a little bit and get to know my 415 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,100 birth story a little bit and then we'll just kind of see 416 00:26:50,100 --> 00:26:54,200 where it goes, you know, take it slow, it's easier to take it 417 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:55,900 slow. Then have to pull back. 418 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,200 So, I hope I gave you some things to think about, if you 419 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:04,400 are thinking about trying to connect with your birth family, 420 00:27:04,700 --> 00:27:08,700 or even if you've already connected and have a reunions 421 00:27:08,700 --> 00:27:12,900 going, and it's going great or maybe it's going sideways. 422 00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:17,100 And you just need some tips to help, get it back on track. 423 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,700 Just have compassion for yourself and compassion for 424 00:27:20,700 --> 00:27:25,100 everyone involved. It is a difficult thing to 425 00:27:25,100 --> 00:27:30,700 navigate and Try and figure out. So just be kind to yourself and 426 00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:34,300 the others around. You, feel free to share this 427 00:27:34,300 --> 00:27:36,800 episode. If you think that someone needs 428 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,000 to hear it. And if you are ready to tell 429 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,900 your adoption story, or your reunions story, email me at 430 00:27:43,900 --> 00:27:47,000 mind, your own Karma at gmail.com, and let's get your 431 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,200 story on the podcast. This is how we are going to 432 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:54,400 educate the World by telling one story at a time. 433 00:27:55,100 --> 00:27:57,500 We are already making a A difference. 434 00:27:57,500 --> 00:28:01,600 Just by telling our stories on all these podcasts and blogs and 435 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:07,500 YouTube channels, we are getting the word out and every story is 436 00:28:07,500 --> 00:28:10,800 important. Your story is important, even if 437 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:15,000 you are another person in the constellation a birth mother and 438 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:19,100 adoptive parent, please email me and we'll get your story on the 439 00:28:19,100 --> 00:28:22,300 show. I have had people ask how to 440 00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:26,500 help promote the show to do that, please rate and review. 441 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:31,400 On your listening platform. This really helps get the word 442 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:35,300 out about this podcast and will help people searching for this 443 00:28:35,300 --> 00:28:39,400 content to find it. Once again, I want to thank you 444 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:45,100 all for this wonderful year of podcasting and all my 445 00:28:45,100 --> 00:28:47,500 accomplishments. I could not have done it without 446 00:28:47,500 --> 00:28:50,300 each and every one of you listening. 447 00:28:50,300 --> 00:28:53,700 So, thank you so much. If there is something that you 448 00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:57,700 want to hear, Let me know and I will try I to fit it into the 449 00:28:57,700 --> 00:29:00,600 podcast. I have some great interviews 450 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:06,200 coming up for you in 2023. Some stay tuned for that. 451 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:12,300 It's going to be a great year. So as always take what you need 452 00:29:12,300 --> 00:29:17,000 and leave, what you don't and always remember to mind your own 453 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,400 Karma. I'll see you next time. 454 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,800 Oh my gosh, Tomlin. Are you serious? 455 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:34,600 This is what I put up with guys.