Hey there. It's Melissa.
Brunetti and welcome to the mind your own Karma podcast.
Hey there Karma crew. I hope you are enjoying the
holidays, it's almost Christmas and it is almost to the end of
2020 to already. It's gone by so fast, it's been
crazy. But I want to thank you all for
hanging in there with me on December 21st.
It will be one year that I have been publishing a podcast for
you. And as you know, if you've been
following me about halfway through the year, I decided to
Pivot and Do adoption now. So I am enjoying it so much and
I just want to thank you because my audience has been growing and
Spotify is kind of linked to Anchor who who publishes my
podcast for me and they sent me a little video of all my
accomplishments over this last year.
I could not believe I had no clue.
I had no clue. That I was being listened to in
17 countries around. The world.
I had no clue that I have produced.
Over 1,700 minutes of content. I had no idea that I produced 98
percent more content than any other podcast in my category.
I had no idea that my podcast was in the top. 20% of most
shared podcasts globally. I'm in the top 25.
Percent of most followed podcasts.
And all of this is unbelievable to me.
I am putting out a podcast every week.
I had no idea that any of this was happening and so, I'm
ecstatic. Thank you Spotify, for giving me
that video, and that's just Spotify that doesn't account for
any of the other platforms that I'm on.
So who knows where this podcast is going.
It is so Exciting. I'm just so proud of myself.
I will have done just over 60 episodes this year, including my
karma files and a couple of bonus episodes.
So I'm just Trucking along guys. And I just want to thank you
guys for coming along with me all the support you've given me.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you all the people I've
met and collaborations and things, I'm just my mind is
blown. My mind is really blown.
I'm going to post this little video.
You on my social media. So if you want to look at it,
it's kind of cool while the graphics and stuff and I was
just like watching it going. Oh my God, oh my God, this is so
great. So anyways I'll put it on social
media if you want to watch it. But today what I have for you
is, you know, I'm kind of thinking the New Year's coming
and I'm wondering if there's any adoptees out there that are
making a promise to go find their birth families.
And if you've been listening to this podcast for any amount of
time, I am you have heard a couple of reunions stories and
you've heard me talk about mine and how the twists and turns and
how sometimes it doesn't go. Well most times it doesn't go
well. So I kind of wanted to give you
some ideas and things to think about if you are going to go on
the Journey of finding your biological family, whether it be
parents, whether it be siblings that you find, And there's some
things that I didn't think about when I was doing it and I wish
someone would have said some of these things to me, so I'm going
to bring them to you today. So there's usually something
that kind of triggers a person to want to look.
Now there are those people that have thought about it their
entire lives that as soon as they turned 18 that they were
going to search, but usually there's something that triggers
you to want to search for me. Was going to be starting a
family. And I had found out that
possibly my birth mother had some, you know, genetic familial
neurological things that could be hereditary.
And so I wanted to know, I wanted to know what happened.
Did they figure it out? What did they finally diagnosed
her with? Is it something that I could
pass down or something that I could get eventually?
I just wanted to know all those things along with one.
Waiting to see somebody that looked like me, and I wanted to
hear my birth story and, you know, I had a thousand questions
as most adoptees do. So the first thing to do would
be ask yourself, why do I want to search?
Because for me, like I said, if nothing else, if my birth,
family did not want to meet me, the least that I wanted was some
medical information for myself and future Generations that Be
coming for me. So if anything that would be
what I would ask for in my initial contact, you know, I
would say you have every right to not meet me.
If that is what you want to do, but please, if you could just
give me some medical information if that at the very least.
So, get your why written down so that when you go searching and
you and someone that you can kind of put that forward and see
if you can get your, why answered the other thing to
start doing is read books. There's so many biographies out
there about adoptees their Journeys.
What happened? In their reunions?
How they handled it, how they healed.
Listen to podcasts. There's so many adoption
podcasts out there that tell stories, this one There's others
out there. So you can kind of get an idea
of maybe, what to expect the next thing.
I think that you should do is join some like-minded groups.
So, like I'm always saying, Fireside adoptees is a great
place to go. There's other adoptees sites on
Facebook and Instagram, join those and start reading some of
the posts that people are posting and start posting
yourself. Elves.
You know, we have a zoom call come to the zoom calls.
You will learn so much and you will hear other people telling
their stories. So again, you will have a
support system on top of kind, of learning.
What to possibly expect when you start searching, it's a great
resource and it will kind of prepare you for.
Like I said, things that might happen.
There are also reunions sites there's some on Facebook where
You can have a search Angel help you for free, find your
relatives and they have a pretty great success rate, they've
helped a lot of people. So there's a resource for you as
well. When I searched I didn't have
the internet back then there was no Facebook.
This was the early 90s and I had to hire somebody to find my
birth mother and then from there was able to find my birth father
and this and that. So Got all the connections
connected so to speak. But nowadays, you've got the
internet. There's so much out there.
So get on Google and start researching.
Just get as much information as you can.
Another great idea would be to buy a journal and not only to
write down your feelings and everything that's going on a
safe place for you to kind of emotive about whatever.
But it's also, Great place to keep notes about what you're
finding as well as what you're feeling and thinking and it's
kind of crazy for me because I had all these questions that I,
you know, really wanted answers. And so I did get those answers.
But man, when I think back, I don't remember the answers.
Like, I really wanted to hear my birth story and I don't remember
any of it that she told me. So if I would have had a journal
back then and wrote all that down, then I would have
something. Going to go back and look at the
sequence of things and just kind of help me jar, my memory, I
don't know. Like it's so weird.
How it's just like blocked or something, it's just not there,
I don't remember it. I don't know what happened but
now I really wish that I would have written it down.
I guess at the time, I thought, oh, I'm really going to remember
this because it's so important to me and then I don't know what
happened. So journaling would be a great
idea. Like I said not only to put your
thoughts down but also put down the facts that you're finding.
Out so that you can go back and look at those later.
If you forget and heck, maybe you'll use your journals to
write an autobiography. Someday, who knows?
So, it's just a great resource to keep things straight and keep
track of things. The next thing that you want to
do, if you're going to search, is gather all the documents and
information that you have, and even in ones that you can get
some states, you can get your original birth certificates.
So you want to get all the papers.
Together and collected. So birth certificates, adoption
papers, baptismal. Certificates.
What adoption agency. What was the name and address?
Were there any attorneys involved?
Social workers involved? What hospital were you born in
all these things are going to help you.
Find those people that you are looking for.
You never know where you are, going to find a small little
clue. That's going to open the door to
everything that Been searching for for me.
I was going through my health record at my doctor's office.
I was sitting in the waiting room, just thumbing through to
see if there were any clues in there and there was my birth
mother's name in writing from her doctor and I was just in
shock. I was like, oh my gosh, that's
my birth mother's name, it was just kind of crazy.
It was just staring right back at me after, you know, 23 years.
So you just never know. Or you're going to find that
little nugget that's going to just catapult you and into
finding these people that you're looking for.
So once you've kind of got these preliminary things out of the
way, you want to make sure that before you search, you are in a
good place. So after you've heard a couple
of these adoption reunions stories, you're going to see why
because there's so many things that can happen during this
process, that it can get Literally crazy and make you
crazy. So if you're going through say
you're moving, or you're going through a divorce or you're
getting ready to have a baby or, you know, some big huge life
change that's going to be stressful.
You might want to wait a little bit, wait for the right time
when you are searching, you are going to go through.
So many emotions and feelings searching is not for the weak of
of heart. So if you are not in a good
place, get yourself in a good place.
Before you start searching, because it can be mentally and
emotionally draining along with 5,000 other things.
So make sure you're in a good spot, make sure you have a
support system. You have people that you can
talk to like I was saying earlier, because it really is a
crazy journey and anything can happen.
Happen at any time. So you just have to be prepared
and I don't know if you can ever be fully prepared but try and be
prepared as possible. That's my goal in this episode
for you today and a good thing to do would be to figure out how
you distress. What are your coping skills when
you are in a stressful situation?
Because I mean, even in regular non-adoption Bishop's, there's
always crazy things going on. So what do you do to de-stress
and decompress and have those things in your brain before you
start doing a reunions process? Whether it's exercise or
meditation or yoga? Are you just go for a walk by
yourself somewhere or you watch TV, read a book, whatever it is
for you. Make sure you have those things
in your back pocket. Ready to pull out when the
stress comes. And there might be times in the
reunions research process where you need to take a break, you
know, you might hit a dead end, you might hit a wall and you
might just need to step away for a little bit and come back to
it. Don't force anything, listen to
your body and do what you need to do, for self care during this
time because it's not going to go.
Well, if you are all hyped up amped up stressed.
Ridden, it's not good for you and it's not going to be good
for the reunions process. If you go into it stressed out
and at this point again, I'm going to mention how important
it is to have that support system of other adoptees.
Now you might, you know, use your significant other or best
friend as a sounding board. But you are going to find out
that they might be there to listen, but they're not going to
fully understand what. We're going through and you
might even feel judged by them a little bit, like why are you
freaking out over this one thing?
Like it's not that big of a deal but a lot of people don't
realize. These little details are huge
for adoptees and so you need to have fellow adoptees as sounding
boards for you. During this time, when you are
experiencing things, that only adoptees have experienced and
only adoptees are going to be able to, Be an empathetic ear
that will understand exactly what you are going through.
I can't tell you how many times it's been super frustrating to
me trying to get an adoptee thought, through to someone
who's not adopted. They just don't get it.
So, let's just skip that process of frustration and just get
somebody. That's an adoptee, that knows
what you're going through, can understand and be empathetic
towards you. The reunions process.
The next thing I want to talk about is probably the biggest
obstacle. I think that most people run up
against when they are searching and in reunions and that is
expectations, expectations are huge.
And I personally didn't think I had expectations until recently
when I was in an adoptee Zoom meeting.
And I realized that one, huge expectation that I didn't even
think of as an expectation at the time was I wasn't expecting
my birth family to not like some things about me.
Why would they not like me? Like I'm a good person, I'm a
great person so this is going to go, great right?
I mean what's there not to like about me.
So I went to into it, you know thinking like that and And I
wasn't what my birth mother expected.
She wondered why I didn't have certain hair color and eye color
and why I was a certain height and why this and why I look like
that and I was just like, wow, I felt super judged in the moment.
And you know, the other thing was why is she so guarded?
And, you know, she's not coming across as open and I felt
totally open to the process. I mean, of course there was a
lot to process. Process.
So maybe it was not so I don't know.
I just was kind of shocked at the reactions.
I was getting sometimes because it wasn't what I was expecting.
So there's that word. Expectations don't try to have
any even after you've met these people and things seemed to be
going. Great, mine went great for
years. Until it went off the tracks.
So you just don't know what exactly is going on in people's
lives in their brains. What trauma?
They've been through through the adoption process, especially the
birth mother. So you just kind of have to
realize that you're both traumatized and you are going to
react sometimes from that place and especially the birth mother.
She's had maybe expectations since the last Last time she saw
your face if she ever saw your face, and those expectations
could be huge. And it could be something that
nobody would ever be able to live up to.
She might want to be your mother.
Well, maybe you have an adoptive mother that you love and you
don't need another mother. So now, what, which is another
huge part of expectation is where did this person that
you're meeting? Where do they see themselves
fitting in to your family? And where are you going to fit
into their family? A lot of times, they haven't
even told anyone that you exist. There's a lot of birth father's.
It didn't even know they had a child out there and you're
knocking on their door or phone calling them.
Hi. I did some DNA and I think I'm
your child and you Know that can be very shocking and who knows
how they're going to react in that moment.
I mean, gosh I don't even I can't even imagine being put in
that situation. It would be Joy Terror.
I'd be angry. There's just so much.
And so those people are going to react through that trauma that
they're just found out that they have a kid that they never even
knew about and that might get reflected to you.
So you have to try and not take things.
Personally because they're reacting out of a totally
different place and it has probably nothing to do with you.
There are birth mothers that have never told anybody that
they were pregnant or very few people.
So maybe their current family and her kids don't even know you
exist. So when you knock on that door
and she opens it, you might get not a very good reception.
Because whoa, I'm face-to-face with what happened 40 years ago
and I thought I was never going to have to think about that
again. And I really don't want to
because it was very traumatic. So there could be so many
different scenarios you have no idea.
I know most adoptees have, you know, they dream up.
Like what? Oh my you know Mom could be a
princess and my dad could be a rock star or something.
I mean You don't know, they could be anybody, but you don't
know what they've gone through and where they're at and who
they've told and who knows, who doesn't know there's so much.
So when you knock on that door, make that phone call, you have
to be ready for any kind of reaction and just try not to
take it personal when the reaction happens because it like
I said, it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to
do with whatever has happened to them.
So the best thing you can do is just try and be as flexible and
open-minded to the process as possible, because anything, and
everything can happen once you take the lid off, Pandora's Box
and even after it's been off for a while, things can just
automatically all of a sudden go sideways and you're just like
what just happened. I've heard that from many
adoptees like one day she just called me and said, I don't want
to do this anymore and that's kind of what Happened to me, my
birth mother sent me a letter and she said, you know, if you
want to know medical type of questions and things like that,
then you can contact me. But if it's anything to do with
relationship, I'm not interested.
So I had a second rejection after, I don't know, maybe Five,
six, seven years after reunions. When I was just kind of
Blindsided at that point, I knew things weren't great, but I
didn't think they were like that, and I don't know what
happened, and I really think it's II.
Can't take that on, it wasn't me.
It was something going on with her.
So you know what, that's where she was at.
I have to have some compassion for it, because I can't imagine
the trauma that she went through.
And maybe she was in the fog and maybe coming out of the Fog, I
don't know, I don't know, she's still alive.
So, you know, I do hold out. Hope that things might get
better but I'm not going to expect it.
The expectations when they crash is not fun.
So, whatever happens happens and I'm going to just try and be
open-minded and flexible in my own situation but I think just
trying to figure out where these people fit into your life.
After reunions can be very tough and I think that's something
that kind of needs to be discussed.
I know it's difficult to have these hard conversations with
your birth family when you've just met them and it could be,
it might be an exciting time and so you don't want to bring it
down by bringing up these serious conversations.
But I think the more communication that is out there
the better the reunions going to go.
So Be open and honest. If you don't want another mother
figure in your life, you know, I kind of felt like my birth mom
was kind of like an aunt or a cousin, you know, like we had a
lot in common and so it was fun. Like I saw that mirroring but I
didn't need another mom. So that's kind of where things
got stuck to I think. But we never had a discussion
about it. We never talked about it, so
maybe it would have been something we could have worked
out. Out, but she closed the door
pretty much there. I had to respect.
I had to respect it just like I would have expected her to
respect my decision, if I had decided to cut things off as
well. The second rejection is not fun
but it's okay. I'm okay, i-i'm it is what it is
and I'm okay with it. I'm still open to the process of
whatever happens. And if nothing happens, I'm open
to that as well and all these things are Really important to
think about before you search because you have no idea how
fast the process can go. And before, you know it, someone
saying I have your mother's phone number and I'm ready to
call her. So, you have to think of these
things before the search, you have to be ready for an
emotional roller coaster and just hang on.
And that is why you shouldn't go into it.
When You aren't in a great place.
It's just not going to work out. Well, you are going to be
putting a ton of emotional energy into this process so just
be patient go at your own pace and just know that there's going
to be twists and turns and it's okay to take a break from the
search. The other thing you need to
think about is setting boundaries and I know that
that's going to kind of be difficult because you might Not
know what those boundaries are until you meet the person.
But if you listen to other adoptee reunions stories, you
might have a little bit of an idea on what boundaries you
might have to make. I know the temptation to Jump.
Right. In with both feet is a thing and
something that a lot of adoptees and people that are in reunions
want to do, but it's probably best if you slow down that
process a little bit. So that you can examine
expectations and communication and boundaries and just have a
you know I'll talk to you once a week at first or don't jump
right into going to meet them and see them maybe do a FaceTime
first and just go slow you don't know these people, you don't
know them and so you want to get to know them a little bit.
That you can make some of those boundaries before things get out
of hand, and you jump in too quickly and then it's hard to
pull back at that point and then when you are pulling back you're
going to hurt have some hurt feelings.
So it's best. If you just go slow in the
beginning, I know how hard that can be.
So it's it's not ideal but really in the long run it's more
healthy that way it's okay to look at Or why and why you
wanted to search and just go with that subject first and be
like, you know, I really just wanted to get some medical
background and get to know you a little bit and get to know my
birth story a little bit and then we'll just kind of see
where it goes, you know, take it slow, it's easier to take it
slow. Then have to pull back.
So, I hope I gave you some things to think about, if you
are thinking about trying to connect with your birth family,
or even if you've already connected and have a reunions
going, and it's going great or maybe it's going sideways.
And you just need some tips to help, get it back on track.
Just have compassion for yourself and compassion for
everyone involved. It is a difficult thing to
navigate and Try and figure out. So just be kind to yourself and
the others around. You, feel free to share this
episode. If you think that someone needs
to hear it. And if you are ready to tell
your adoption story, or your reunions story, email me at
mind, your own Karma at gmail.com, and let's get your
story on the podcast. This is how we are going to
educate the World by telling one story at a time.
We are already making a A difference.
Just by telling our stories on all these podcasts and blogs and
YouTube channels, we are getting the word out and every story is
important. Your story is important, even if
you are another person in the constellation a birth mother and
adoptive parent, please email me and we'll get your story on the
show. I have had people ask how to
help promote the show to do that, please rate and review.
On your listening platform. This really helps get the word
out about this podcast and will help people searching for this
content to find it. Once again, I want to thank you
all for this wonderful year of podcasting and all my
accomplishments. I could not have done it without
each and every one of you listening.
So, thank you so much. If there is something that you
want to hear, Let me know and I will try I to fit it into the
podcast. I have some great interviews
coming up for you in 2023. Some stay tuned for that.
It's going to be a great year. So as always take what you need
and leave, what you don't and always remember to mind your own
Karma. I'll see you next time.
Oh my gosh, Tomlin. Are you serious?
This is what I put up with guys.