1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,520 Hey there, it's Melissa Brunetti and welcome to the Mind Your Own 2 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:16,570 Karma podcast. Hey there karma crew. 3 00:00:16,570 --> 00:00:19,410 Thanks for joining me for another episode of Mind Your Own 4 00:00:19,410 --> 00:00:23,690 Karma, The Adoption Chronicles. Today I have another adoptee 5 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:28,730 story for you, and before I get started, I just am reminded of 6 00:00:28,730 --> 00:00:32,610 how different all of our stories can be. 7 00:00:32,850 --> 00:00:36,770 Some are good, some are bad, and some are ugly. 8 00:00:37,330 --> 00:00:42,930 And how each one of us receives and processes and deals and 9 00:00:42,930 --> 00:00:48,730 heals with our stories. That is such a personal thing 10 00:00:48,890 --> 00:00:53,730 that no one should be judging. Your perception of what has 11 00:00:53,730 --> 00:00:59,010 happened to you is your truth, and it doesn't matter how anyone 12 00:00:59,010 --> 00:01:03,090 else saw it. Your truth is your truth, 13 00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:06,610 Period. No matter what anyone else says. 14 00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:12,430 And we as adoptees, and not only the adoptee community but all of 15 00:01:12,430 --> 00:01:18,310 society, needs to value the adoptees experience, no matter 16 00:01:18,310 --> 00:01:21,150 what it is. You don't have to agree or 17 00:01:21,150 --> 00:01:23,590 disagree, you just have to listen. 18 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:27,710 Just listen and be able to validate that person's 19 00:01:27,710 --> 00:01:30,270 experience. That's it. 20 00:01:31,230 --> 00:01:35,250 That's all you have to do. And with that being said, I want 21 00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:39,130 to introduce you to my guest today, Christie Perkins. 22 00:01:39,970 --> 00:01:44,250 It was the fall of 1964. Sharon, Christie's biological 23 00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:47,370 mother, was 16 years old and was pregnant with Christie. 24 00:01:48,010 --> 00:01:51,210 Sharon made her way to a home for unwed mothers while 25 00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:53,330 Christie's birth father was in prison. 26 00:01:54,610 --> 00:02:00,680 On July 29th, 1965, Christie entered the world at Christie's 27 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,680 foster home. She was growing and at two she 28 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:07,040 was a mama's girl. To her foster parent, all was 29 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,600 well with the world, but she didn't know that her world as 30 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,760 she knew it would soon be shattered. 31 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:17,200 Her foster parents called her big girl and when asked, 32 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,920 Christie didn't even know her given name, which was Lois on 33 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:24,800 her original birth certificate. Eventually she was adopted at 34 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,640 the age of three to a well off farmer and his wife. 35 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:31,320 And in that moment and everything changed. 36 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,800 Years later, Christy decided to take a DNA test. 37 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,440 Six weeks later when she received her results, something 38 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:42,840 wasn't right. Instead of answers, she had many 39 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:46,520 more questions. Why didn't she match her own 40 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,600 niece and nephew that were the grandkids of her father, Larry? 41 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:54,120 Could Larry not be her father? Who is this Kimberly that she 42 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:58,520 matched 25% of her DNA with? She had to know. 43 00:02:59,650 --> 00:03:03,050 This is Christy Perkins adoption story. 44 00:03:05,170 --> 00:03:07,650 We are welcoming Christy Perkins to the show today. 45 00:03:07,650 --> 00:03:11,410 Hi, Christy. Hello, how are you doing? 46 00:03:12,490 --> 00:03:13,570 I'm nervous. I guess. 47 00:03:13,570 --> 00:03:14,970 Are you nervous? That's OK. 48 00:03:14,970 --> 00:03:16,810 I am a little bit good. I don't. 49 00:03:17,010 --> 00:03:20,970 I don't talk to people about being adopted or anything and I 50 00:03:20,970 --> 00:03:25,170 guess this is the adopted podcast, so I don't really. 51 00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:28,210 Don't really talk about it to people. 52 00:03:29,130 --> 00:03:31,890 Well, you're brave. You reached out to me and you 53 00:03:31,890 --> 00:03:34,490 became part of the Karma crew on my website and reached out 54 00:03:34,490 --> 00:03:35,970 wanting to tell your adoption story. 55 00:03:35,970 --> 00:03:37,810 So thanks so much for doing that. 56 00:03:38,610 --> 00:03:42,610 So let's start with why did you want to tell your story? 57 00:03:43,330 --> 00:03:47,090 It's a personal story, so it doesn't necessarily apply to 58 00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:50,330 everybody, but enough people can relate. 59 00:03:51,330 --> 00:03:56,170 They don't maybe feel alone. Yeah, When they have things that 60 00:03:56,170 --> 00:04:00,090 are missing from the narrative, everybody on the outside looking 61 00:04:00,090 --> 00:04:03,290 in says, oh, adoption's great, adoption's good. 62 00:04:03,690 --> 00:04:07,130 And, you know, it's not necessarily the all that great. 63 00:04:07,410 --> 00:04:11,010 Yeah. So you weren't adopted until you 64 00:04:11,010 --> 00:04:13,530 were three years old. So tell us what happened. 65 00:04:13,530 --> 00:04:16,490 What were the circumstances? What do you know about why you 66 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:19,810 were put up for adoption? Well, I've known all my life. 67 00:04:19,810 --> 00:04:22,490 I was adopted. But back then? 68 00:04:22,870 --> 00:04:28,070 In the 60s when I was born, they just put the man on the birth 69 00:04:28,070 --> 00:04:29,870 certificate who they thought was daddy. 70 00:04:29,950 --> 00:04:32,630 And well, that's part of my story. 71 00:04:32,630 --> 00:04:36,950 I found out recently he was not a biological father, so I've had 72 00:04:36,950 --> 00:04:40,230 to go relive a bunch of trauma over that. 73 00:04:40,590 --> 00:04:44,990 But the story is that I just recently found out is the truth, 74 00:04:45,390 --> 00:04:48,150 not the lie I've been living most of my life so. 75 00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:54,100 That's the interesting part, that so many people lie and we 76 00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:57,260 are the victims of those lies, basically. 77 00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:00,300 Yeah. Well, I knew my mother was 16 78 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,460 when she had me. I knew that. 79 00:05:03,060 --> 00:05:06,580 And I was born in the state of Kansas, so in Kansas. 80 00:05:06,990 --> 00:05:11,230 When you're of age, you can just call up the social services 81 00:05:11,230 --> 00:05:14,150 department and say give me my records and tell me, you know, 82 00:05:14,150 --> 00:05:16,870 open my adoption records and they mail them to you in a great 83 00:05:16,870 --> 00:05:21,190 big ol envelope and you can read through all of the information. 84 00:05:21,470 --> 00:05:24,910 And it wasn't difficult. So they just said, oh, here's 85 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,390 your parents, here's your your mother. 86 00:05:27,630 --> 00:05:32,030 So I got a phone call like a week later for my mother's 87 00:05:32,150 --> 00:05:35,870 mother, who didn't believe that she thought it was a scam. 88 00:05:36,250 --> 00:05:38,090 But it wasn't really her granddaughter. 89 00:05:38,090 --> 00:05:41,410 So she wanted to save her daughter from trauma of some 90 00:05:41,490 --> 00:05:44,530 scammers and wanted to see if I was legitimate and started 91 00:05:44,530 --> 00:05:47,450 asking me a bunch of questions, like, you know, if you're being 92 00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:50,530 interviewed by the cops or something, how old are you and 93 00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:52,930 where were you born? And I was like, I answered all 94 00:05:52,930 --> 00:05:55,250 her questions sufficient enough for my mother to call me. 95 00:05:55,610 --> 00:05:58,930 And I was only 17, so she was 30 something. 96 00:05:59,210 --> 00:06:01,370 So you sent for your records when you were 17. 97 00:06:01,530 --> 00:06:03,310 Yeah, I did. Oh wow. 98 00:06:03,310 --> 00:06:05,630 And they sent it to you, even though you weren't an adult yet. 99 00:06:05,710 --> 00:06:07,230 Absolutely. That's old enough. 100 00:06:07,230 --> 00:06:11,750 Whatever. Few months away from 18, you 101 00:06:11,750 --> 00:06:15,230 know just when the when the child starts seeking which which 102 00:06:15,230 --> 00:06:18,710 is the first part of my story. Thankfully the state of Kansas 103 00:06:18,710 --> 00:06:23,710 believes that it's not a oneway St. people that adopt the child. 104 00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:27,310 It's not a closed adoption and at some point they open the 105 00:06:27,310 --> 00:06:31,070 records, the people that are putting the kid up for adoption. 106 00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:36,330 Can't just walk away forever with, you know, anonymously. 107 00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:41,850 Because I strongly believe that, hey, this is my life too. 108 00:06:42,450 --> 00:06:47,450 So give me my information. And I wanted to know everything. 109 00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:51,450 I wanted to know what my birth certificate said, who my parents 110 00:06:51,450 --> 00:06:52,610 were. Was I? 111 00:06:52,610 --> 00:06:56,130 How come you got a hold of your grandma 1st and not your mom? 112 00:06:56,610 --> 00:06:58,730 She called me. She called me. 113 00:06:59,290 --> 00:07:02,410 So the state of Kansas actually went as far as to. 114 00:07:02,910 --> 00:07:05,750 Contact the people they had contact information for. 115 00:07:05,950 --> 00:07:08,750 So they said they called her up and said, hey, your 116 00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:12,790 granddaughter wants to meet up. They had my phone number, which 117 00:07:12,790 --> 00:07:16,190 I allowed them to give her and they she called me. 118 00:07:17,430 --> 00:07:20,470 That was pretty simple. All things are not that way. 119 00:07:22,230 --> 00:07:28,270 But my mother was 17 and my dad was a Marine stationed in 120 00:07:28,310 --> 00:07:32,350 California, but was from Kansas and he was married. 121 00:07:32,790 --> 00:07:36,510 And had three other children. Not to your mom, though. 122 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:42,630 No, wait. He was from Kansas, and him and 123 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:46,990 his wife had a break or a divorce or whatever they did, 124 00:07:46,990 --> 00:07:51,110 they separated momentarily long enough for my parents to meet. 125 00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:55,350 I was talking to my, my older sister, she said. 126 00:07:55,350 --> 00:08:00,990 Probably at the cakewalk at this Catholic Church, Yeah, because I 127 00:08:00,990 --> 00:08:05,620 was born. Literally nine months after nine 128 00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:10,340 months later, you know Halloween is I actually looked and 129 00:08:10,340 --> 00:08:13,700 Halloween, Halloween was Saturday night that that's 130 00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:17,780 rocking at the Catholic Church and they did cakewalk. 131 00:08:17,780 --> 00:08:23,180 So like OK, I could just just imagine how that worked out. 132 00:08:23,180 --> 00:08:26,740 But he was 20, something tall, good looking. 133 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:33,559 She was a cute 16 year old and. He said, oh baby. 134 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:37,320 And she said, oh you're so you're so tall. 135 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:43,400 My mother was only 5 foot two, but I had no knowledge of this 136 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,200 growing up. I had no idea anything. 137 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:50,360 No one knew anything. They didn't even have an idea of 138 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,120 my nationality. They said, oh she looks Irish, 139 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:57,040 let's call that Irish. And. 140 00:08:57,850 --> 00:09:01,930 State of Kansas was real slow in severing my parents' parental 141 00:09:01,930 --> 00:09:04,130 rights. I guess she hooked up with the 142 00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:07,770 guy, said it was Daddy and I don't even know if they were 143 00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:12,130 married, but he was on my birth certificate and so when I had 144 00:09:12,130 --> 00:09:14,090 my, the Marine was. No, the birth. 145 00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:17,730 See, I have several fathers. Let's list them. 146 00:09:18,130 --> 00:09:21,160 So there's a biological father, yes. 147 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:25,800 The birth certificate father, the foster father, the adopted 148 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,400 father and the stepfather. I mean, let's just pick one and 149 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:32,800 we'll talk about any number of fathers in my life. 150 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,840 But the birth certificate father was probably not married to my 151 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:40,760 mother. He was 30 something, and he was 152 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:43,880 in prison. And so I was really trying to 153 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,920 figure out how he'd be my father. 154 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,720 And then, of course, he wasn't. Because, gosh, I was. 155 00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:53,340 Like two or three years ago I decided to do my DNA, which is a 156 00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:56,500 big eye opener, especially for adopted people or people that 157 00:09:56,620 --> 00:10:00,620 don't know they're adopted, which is criminal. 158 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:03,340 You know, we don't want to hurt anybody. 159 00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:06,180 We don't want to get all the skeletons out of the closet, but 160 00:10:06,260 --> 00:10:10,780 it it doesn't matter. That's still information that 161 00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:14,580 they're hiding from me or lying about, which I don't approve of. 162 00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:19,300 But this first certificate father is a PC non player 163 00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:21,690 character. He was just the guy in jail, 164 00:10:22,090 --> 00:10:25,010 died in jail, that I was told with my father. 165 00:10:26,290 --> 00:10:29,530 He was also short though, and really kind of ugly, so I 166 00:10:29,530 --> 00:10:31,090 couldn't really relate to him when I met him. 167 00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:34,330 I met him one time, so I was 17. I found my mother. 168 00:10:34,930 --> 00:10:39,410 My parents drove me to Topeka where she was living with Q 169 00:10:39,410 --> 00:10:43,690 stepfather, and so I stayed with him a week and it was a horrible 170 00:10:43,690 --> 00:10:47,770 disaster. My mother's a narcissist 171 00:10:47,970 --> 00:10:51,130 extraordinaire. I also found out that she was 172 00:10:51,130 --> 00:10:55,090 mentally ill, so it was good that I was not raised by her. 173 00:10:55,490 --> 00:10:59,010 So let's just be clear. My situation could have been 174 00:10:59,010 --> 00:11:04,650 worse, but I sure wish I had all the information that should be, 175 00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:08,290 you know, they didn't know they didn't do DNA back then, so they 176 00:11:08,290 --> 00:11:10,650 stuck this guy on my birth certificate. 177 00:11:10,650 --> 00:11:15,780 So I was. 20-30 years thinking this dude was my biological 178 00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:19,780 father and he was not. But I didn't know that even when 179 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:24,020 I did the DNA because all these people that were coming up, not 180 00:11:24,020 --> 00:11:26,340 my mother's side, I assumed it was my father's side. 181 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:30,980 I assumed it was the birth certificate father side of the 182 00:11:30,980 --> 00:11:32,900 family. So I didn't know anybody and 183 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,900 nobody could tell me anything. So I just sit on that 184 00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:39,420 information for a couple of years and then a niece who was 185 00:11:39,420 --> 00:11:44,150 my birth certificate father's. Son's daughter contacted me 186 00:11:44,150 --> 00:11:47,470 wanting information about the partial side of the family, so I 187 00:11:47,470 --> 00:11:52,430 told her what I knew she did. DNAI did DNA, but it wasn't the 188 00:11:52,430 --> 00:11:55,110 same company. So I figured that's why we 189 00:11:55,110 --> 00:11:58,150 didn't match on the I did Ancestry. 190 00:11:58,430 --> 00:12:02,550 She did 23 and me. Well, I thought, well this is 191 00:12:02,550 --> 00:12:04,830 weird. So I did 23 and me. 192 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:10,710 It didn't match her then either, so it's like. 193 00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:14,140 He adopted all over again. OK, now who am I? 194 00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:16,540 Yeah. Oh my gosh. 195 00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:21,180 But you know, I was born July 29th, so my birthday is this 196 00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:22,540 week. Yeah. 197 00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:24,860 I found my mother. She was 17. 198 00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:27,420 I don't know what her relationship was with birth 199 00:12:27,420 --> 00:12:29,140 certificate father, but he was in prison. 200 00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:31,900 They were together. She said she got married when 201 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:35,100 she was 14, which is logical because her older. 202 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:39,310 Yeah, her older sister. Come to find out, half sister 203 00:12:39,670 --> 00:12:43,310 was also married at 14, just to get out of the house. 204 00:12:43,470 --> 00:12:47,790 Big Catholic Irish family. And the grandmother, my 205 00:12:47,790 --> 00:12:50,990 grandmother, my mother's mother, she didn't raise any of her 206 00:12:50,990 --> 00:12:54,910 kids. She was a very active woman who 207 00:12:54,990 --> 00:12:57,510 didn't believe in sticking with one man. 208 00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:02,670 So. So my mother was the youngest of 209 00:13:02,670 --> 00:13:07,230 13 children. Yeah, so. 210 00:13:07,810 --> 00:13:10,690 That was, I don't know. Most of my mother's siblings 211 00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:14,530 were dead before I met my mother for really old Oh my gosh. 212 00:13:15,330 --> 00:13:19,850 She was the youngest, so she was 30, while the older ones were in 213 00:13:19,850 --> 00:13:24,210 their 50s. I was just a kid, but how did 214 00:13:24,210 --> 00:13:26,570 you find who your biological dad was then? 215 00:13:27,010 --> 00:13:31,690 So when I did the DNA and all these names came up, which I 216 00:13:31,690 --> 00:13:37,760 didn't recognize, I finally. Contacted A genealogy DNA 217 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:43,480 researcher and somehow they can build on your matches on 218 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:48,400 theancestry.com. They give you a percentage or 219 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:52,440 some kind of how many matches in the C Sims or whatever they are, 220 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,400 and she constructed a family tree. 221 00:13:58,010 --> 00:14:03,770 And traced back to the highest match I had which is 25% which 222 00:14:03,770 --> 00:14:09,650 was 1/2 sister and so she had told me this is your half 223 00:14:09,650 --> 00:14:12,810 sister. So I kind of freaked out and I 224 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:16,490 didn't know how to contact them. That is when my husband did the 225 00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:20,850 website. So I had her address and I had 226 00:14:20,850 --> 00:14:26,530 her phone number and I was kind of stalking her Facebook page. 227 00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:33,180 And so she was ill and I didn't want to bug her as I thought, 228 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,860 how do I contact her without making them think I'm some kind 229 00:14:36,860 --> 00:14:41,180 of stalker, crazy person or whatever? 230 00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,860 You know, you have some person contacting Facebook. 231 00:14:43,860 --> 00:14:45,300 It's like you don't know what to think about it. 232 00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:50,460 I just said, honey, can you do that website for me and we can 233 00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:53,500 put some pictures up, you know, and a little bit about my story? 234 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:59,010 And he said sure, no problem. So I sent her a card thinking of 235 00:14:59,010 --> 00:15:07,170 you and flowers, and in the card I gave her the URL website and 236 00:15:07,170 --> 00:15:10,170 they checked it out, which was a lot of calling. 237 00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:14,650 The siblings and everybody, the cousins and everybody was 238 00:15:14,650 --> 00:15:19,610 shocked. Daddy's got a new kid and The 239 00:15:19,650 --> 00:15:21,970 funny thing is they weren't shocked about it because it's 240 00:15:21,970 --> 00:15:24,860 like. We knew Dad couldn't keep it as 241 00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:30,860 pants anyway, So we did, We thought, But there's only one Up 242 00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:34,020 until then, there wasn't any other people contacting them 243 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:39,220 saying I'm your sibling. And so the one sister that I met 244 00:15:39,220 --> 00:15:44,220 was in California, where she grew up, her mom, when my dad 245 00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:46,940 and her mom was, you know, living out in California. 246 00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:51,700 But then he relocated to Olathe, KS, and that's where the rest of 247 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:56,280 the siblings live now. So I I was in contact with them 248 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,240 and they kind of, you know, welcomed me into the family. 249 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:04,560 Good, bad and the ugly. It wasn't is like, this is your 250 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,880 family now. Don't get to pick another one, 251 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,400 like an adoption. So how many siblings did you 252 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,640 have from your dad then? For my dad, let's see my oldest 253 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:19,520 sister, him, then Kelly. And there was a brother. 254 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:25,360 His name is Danny Junior. Then my dad and his wife split 255 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:31,000 up, had me, which makes #4 and then #5. 256 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,240 He went back to his wife and had Cindy. 257 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:38,000 Oh, wow. Yeah, and so my name even is 258 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,160 very interesting because they changed my name from what was on 259 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,640 my birth certificate. My mother had named me Lois. 260 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,640 What did she name you? Lois. 261 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:47,760 Oh, Lois. OK. 262 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,470 Yeah. That was my birth certificate 263 00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:54,910 name. But when you're adopted, her 264 00:16:54,910 --> 00:17:00,790 reasoning was change the name so the evil biological family can't 265 00:17:00,790 --> 00:17:03,750 be looking for people with that name and birth date. 266 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:07,550 Right. So to protect me and have no one 267 00:17:07,550 --> 00:17:09,790 know my new name, they changed it. 268 00:17:10,190 --> 00:17:16,630 Christy, it was Lois. And so I was at Lois until I was 269 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:20,060 legally adopted. I wasn't legally adopted until I 270 00:17:20,060 --> 00:17:24,020 was 5, four and a half. Were you in foster care till you 271 00:17:24,020 --> 00:17:25,660 were three or what happened with that? 272 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:29,820 Well, my mother was in a home for unwed mothers. 273 00:17:30,020 --> 00:17:35,180 My birth certificate father was in jail and so I'm not sure 274 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:39,220 about the circumstances, but she ended up in a home for unwed 275 00:17:39,220 --> 00:17:43,420 mothers in Beloit, KS. I think it was a mental hospital 276 00:17:43,420 --> 00:17:45,790 to be honest. Because they have a little 277 00:17:45,790 --> 00:17:50,430 hospital there. So she went to KU Medical 278 00:17:50,430 --> 00:17:54,390 Center, had me. Interestingly, I found out 279 00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:58,630 probably was a forcep baby because I finally got a hold of 280 00:17:58,630 --> 00:18:03,350 some medical records and said that my face was paralyzed, 281 00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:10,590 which is back then a result, a side effect of being pulled out. 282 00:18:10,750 --> 00:18:14,660 She was 16. She was 5 foot two, so it was 283 00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:20,300 probably difficult labor for her and I was in the hospital 284 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:25,740 because of that for extended period of time and then after I 285 00:18:25,780 --> 00:18:28,500 left the hospital I went straight to the foster home and 286 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,060 you were there till you were three. 287 00:18:30,780 --> 00:18:38,220 I was born in July and I went to my adopted home in December of. 288 00:18:39,250 --> 00:18:43,370 2 1/2 years later, so it's almost three 2 1/2, but I 289 00:18:43,370 --> 00:18:48,570 remember being handed over. They didn't do any transitions. 290 00:18:48,610 --> 00:18:52,330 They didn't do any aftercare. I did have a social worker that 291 00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:55,490 came to visit once in a while and bring me candy and stuffed 292 00:18:55,530 --> 00:18:58,810 bears, which is like, oh, there's that nice lady again. 293 00:18:58,850 --> 00:19:02,370 Once you bring me this time, right about once a month she 294 00:19:02,370 --> 00:19:04,570 would visit until I was about 5:00, I guess. 295 00:19:05,510 --> 00:19:08,910 I don't recommend doing that to a 2 1/2 year old. 296 00:19:09,070 --> 00:19:13,390 It's very traumatic. There was no transition. 297 00:19:13,990 --> 00:19:16,310 They just said okay, there's your mom and dad, see ya. 298 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:22,830 Pat is me on the head and says have a nice life and I know from 299 00:19:22,830 --> 00:19:24,710 my. Adopted parents tell me, yeah, 300 00:19:24,710 --> 00:19:27,190 we came to where they came to pick me up and it was Kansas 301 00:19:27,190 --> 00:19:30,390 City. They were at the hotel room and 302 00:19:30,390 --> 00:19:33,150 the social workers brought me into the hotel room. 303 00:19:33,690 --> 00:19:38,850 And I was just a little tomboy even then and I was roughhousing 304 00:19:38,850 --> 00:19:44,650 with my dad and having a good time and laughing and playing. 305 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:48,530 And so he said, oh hey, that looks like a great match there. 306 00:19:49,850 --> 00:19:53,450 I guess you just take her home. And my parents stayed in one 307 00:19:53,450 --> 00:19:56,690 night at the hotel. Then we drove to Pittsburgh, 308 00:19:56,690 --> 00:20:01,410 Kansas and I remember the car. It was a blue 60 something Ltd 309 00:20:01,650 --> 00:20:04,550 driving down the Main St. Looking up through the windows, 310 00:20:04,550 --> 00:20:09,270 seeing the Christmas lights because they break them from one 311 00:20:09,270 --> 00:20:11,910 side of the street to the other side of the street with a big 312 00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:14,710 bell or something in the middle, it was like going through a 313 00:20:14,710 --> 00:20:16,750 tunnel. So I just thought that was just 314 00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:19,710 amazing. So why did your adoptive parents 315 00:20:19,750 --> 00:20:21,470 decide to adopt? Because you were two and a half. 316 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:23,150 A lot of people want the baby, you know? 317 00:20:23,270 --> 00:20:24,670 Well, that's a whole different story. 318 00:20:24,670 --> 00:20:29,470 Which gets into the darker side of adoptions for me anyway. 319 00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:33,140 If there wasn't so much red tape involved, there'd be a lot more 320 00:20:33,140 --> 00:20:36,500 children adopted. I mean, it's really difficult to 321 00:20:36,740 --> 00:20:40,940 adopt A child in this country. So it took 2 1/2 years for me to 322 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:45,180 get through the red tape. They tried to reunify me to my 323 00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:49,340 parents, and my father kept going back into prison or some 324 00:20:49,340 --> 00:20:51,700 sorts. He was not a good person. 325 00:20:51,860 --> 00:20:54,820 You're adopted. My birth certificate Father. 326 00:20:55,660 --> 00:20:59,000 Yes, they were married, which I haven't seen any records. 327 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,560 I tried to find records that I couldn't. 328 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:05,240 I think they're waiting until my mother turned 18 because she was 329 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,360 a minor. They couldn't release a baby to 330 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,960 a minor. That's just my theory. 331 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,520 But I also was given all of the narratives that the social 332 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,880 workers wrote about the situation. 333 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,640 They said, well, we're not sure what we want to do with this 334 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:22,120 child and her situation, but we really do need to figure out 335 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,540 something. Soon, I mean, they didn't figure 336 00:21:25,540 --> 00:21:29,540 anything out until they finally decided to sever their parental 337 00:21:29,540 --> 00:21:32,900 rights and then place me up for adoption at 2:00. 338 00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:36,300 Yeah, if your mom was having mental issues, maybe that's why 339 00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:38,940 they didn't. They didn't give you to her if 340 00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:42,540 that was really an issue. Well, they didn't mention a lot 341 00:21:42,540 --> 00:21:45,700 of mental issues or any evaluations they did on my 342 00:21:45,700 --> 00:21:49,860 mother, but my first certificate father was in prison for 343 00:21:49,980 --> 00:21:53,620 indecent liberties with the minor so. 344 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:58,560 Yeah, maybe that's, yeah, I was like dodged that bullet. 345 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:03,920 Yeah, my mother has a type because my siblings told me that 346 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:08,120 my biological father like blessing little girls, so they 347 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:11,920 all said I dodged a bullet. So I was like, well, I'm sorry I 348 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:15,440 missed out on all the fun there, but that was great. 349 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:22,640 Great part about being a, I guess, But my sister, she's been 350 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,960 married several times. She never maintains the 351 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,000 relationship with a man for more than a year. 352 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:34,880 She's just a broken person. Extremely thankful I didn't have 353 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,640 to go through any of that. I mean, it's like, pick your 354 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:42,080 poison, bad or badder. I mean, what which one do you 355 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,160 want? You know, they didn't really, I 356 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:47,360 don't think did a lot of. I don't know what they're 357 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,640 thinking was, but I know what they did. 358 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:53,600 I know what they said. Some of the things I read on 359 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:57,480 their notes, I have a big Manila folder of all the notes that 360 00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,120 they took. They sent all of it. 361 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,840 That's crazy. I'm in California, so we get 362 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:03,640 nothing. They kept all that. 363 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:11,000 We get nothing bye well also I got nothing cuz I have two baby 364 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:14,880 pickers. They had a couple in my file, 365 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:20,670 but no one thought to maybe send some baby pictures for later on 366 00:23:21,070 --> 00:23:25,590 for family purposes. So I have like no baby pictures 367 00:23:25,790 --> 00:23:29,350 up until I was 2 1/2 and then my parents took pictures. 368 00:23:29,510 --> 00:23:32,190 Seeing those little things like that, well, it's not, it's not 369 00:23:32,190 --> 00:23:35,270 little to us, but people just don't think about those things 370 00:23:35,590 --> 00:23:37,990 for adoptees like that. No, my parents. 371 00:23:37,990 --> 00:23:40,550 But just think about that. You don't have any pictures of 372 00:23:40,550 --> 00:23:41,910 you as a baby. That's a big deal. 373 00:23:41,910 --> 00:23:46,990 It totally is. But to answer your question, why 374 00:23:46,990 --> 00:23:51,150 did my parents decide to adopt? They were at the time called, 375 00:23:51,150 --> 00:23:56,030 well, to do farmers. And my mother and father got 376 00:23:56,030 --> 00:24:02,630 married, the adopted father and mother, and they work jobs. 377 00:24:02,630 --> 00:24:05,270 My mother was in college, you know, they were living their 378 00:24:05,270 --> 00:24:06,830 life. They got married when my mother 379 00:24:06,830 --> 00:24:11,470 was 19 and my adopted father was like 20 something. 380 00:24:11,470 --> 00:24:16,770 And then my mother's adopted mother's father died, and so 381 00:24:16,770 --> 00:24:19,610 they decided to take over the farm. 382 00:24:20,930 --> 00:24:24,930 And my grandmother was a widow, and he started farming. 383 00:24:25,810 --> 00:24:31,130 They had a baby, a little infant boy, about three years before I 384 00:24:31,130 --> 00:24:33,690 was born. So that means that they were 385 00:24:34,170 --> 00:24:37,650 childless for about five years after. 386 00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:41,530 I don't know when they submitted an application to adopt, but 387 00:24:41,890 --> 00:24:45,370 three years before I was born they had an infant son and he 388 00:24:45,370 --> 00:24:51,290 was born in January and he died in February the same year from 389 00:24:51,290 --> 00:24:56,530 pneumonia and it was winter and it was a drafty old farmhouse 390 00:24:56,850 --> 00:25:02,730 and my parents were both chain smokers and I think they just 391 00:25:02,970 --> 00:25:05,330 that house could be filled with smoke. 392 00:25:05,330 --> 00:25:07,890 It was like chain smokers lighting one cigarette with 393 00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:11,690 another cigarette. So when my mother lost that 394 00:25:11,690 --> 00:25:17,010 baby, her doctor told her, well, if you just drink a beer every 395 00:25:17,010 --> 00:25:19,730 night to calm your nerves, you'll be fine. 396 00:25:21,650 --> 00:25:26,570 Sure, sure, that's a great remedy for I just drink a beer 397 00:25:26,850 --> 00:25:29,570 since the the doctor's prescription. 398 00:25:30,490 --> 00:25:34,570 So my adopted mother was grieving, but eventually they 399 00:25:34,610 --> 00:25:36,650 decided they couldn't have any more kids. 400 00:25:36,650 --> 00:25:39,440 For whatever reason. I believe my mother had 401 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:43,160 endometriosis problems really bad. 402 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:46,720 They were lucky to have the one, but never got pregnant again. 403 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,080 That I know. I think she had a lot of 404 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:49,960 miscarriages. She never really talked about 405 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,400 it. She never was one to talk about 406 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,680 anything. So, like, we don't talk about 407 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:59,360 that, but it's like, OK, well, the state of Kansas, they 408 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,600 weren't going to just give anybody. 409 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:06,360 The premium babies were left for other people apparently, so they 410 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,200 were going to give him a trial run with this 2 1/2 year old 411 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,200 girl. And they said in the notes we 412 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,680 really felt she needed the attention of being an only 413 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,720 child. So on my end, I needed to be an 414 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,400 only child from being the center of attention and having lots of 415 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:25,960 siblings and lots of attention to hanging out with old people. 416 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:31,520 And not being the center of attention and everything I did 417 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:35,060 that was cute, I could do no wrong, you know? 418 00:26:35,060 --> 00:26:39,260 They didn't spank me. And I never had my hair cut. 419 00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:43,500 It was naturally curly, gorgeous, golden blonde Shirley 420 00:26:43,500 --> 00:26:48,500 Temple locks with bare skin and cherub little cheeks and blue 421 00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:51,940 eyes. And I was a doll and everybody 422 00:26:51,980 --> 00:26:55,020 oohed and awed over this beautiful baby. 423 00:26:55,180 --> 00:26:58,100 And then I get, you know, into their home at 2 1/2. 424 00:26:58,180 --> 00:27:02,840 And I was just a brat. So their their idea of 425 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,720 oldfashioned. I will. 426 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:08,720 This is very oldfashioned, very traditional farmers. 427 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:13,400 It's well, you beat the crap out of the kid into submission. 428 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:16,080 Then if they don't like it, beat them some more. 429 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,720 So I went from the center of attention and could do no wrong 430 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,840 to hanging out with old people and could do nothing right. 431 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:28,440 Yeah, and that's how my life started being adopted. 432 00:27:30,740 --> 00:27:32,940 So did they adopt another child later on? 433 00:27:33,460 --> 00:27:36,700 Much later. I'm pretty sure they wanted to 434 00:27:36,700 --> 00:27:41,180 see how things went with this 2 1/2 year old needy child. 435 00:27:41,780 --> 00:27:44,900 And if they did really, really good, they would give them 436 00:27:44,900 --> 00:27:47,500 their, what I call their golden child. 437 00:27:47,740 --> 00:27:50,340 Well, we'll reward you with your infant son. 438 00:27:50,660 --> 00:27:55,940 So they eventually I was in first grade and a teacher had 439 00:27:55,940 --> 00:27:59,240 come up to me and said, oh, aren't you excited about getting 440 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,800 a baby brother? I go. 441 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,680 That's news to me. Oh, wow. 442 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:08,480 Because we didn't talk about stuff like that. 443 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,000 They were just going to surprise me one day, I suppose. 444 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,560 I don't know, like getting a new puppy dog, but right. 445 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:19,200 So here I am, 5 1/2 and they bring home this infant son. 446 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:23,680 Their pinnacle of a Their family is complete now. 447 00:28:24,830 --> 00:28:28,190 The boy that could do no wrong walked on. 448 00:28:28,190 --> 00:28:29,070 Water. Shit. 449 00:28:29,070 --> 00:28:32,590 Didn't stink all that. So guess what I was the. 450 00:28:34,190 --> 00:28:40,750 Opposite I was the maid because girls, they don't work on the 451 00:28:40,750 --> 00:28:42,230 farm. They stay in the kitchen and 452 00:28:42,230 --> 00:28:44,830 help their mom. But I wanted to be a farmer. 453 00:28:44,830 --> 00:28:48,270 That's all I ever wanted was to hang out with my dad and be in 454 00:28:48,270 --> 00:28:52,570 the field and work the cattle. It was a working farm, you know, 455 00:28:53,050 --> 00:28:56,370 I was allowed to help my grandmother and she was in 456 00:28:56,370 --> 00:28:58,850 charge of the chicken. So I got to go out and gather 457 00:28:58,850 --> 00:29:04,330 all the eggs and wash the eggs. Then it was basically help your 458 00:29:04,330 --> 00:29:07,970 mother cook dinner, clean the house, take out the trash, 459 00:29:08,130 --> 00:29:10,850 whatever. They didn't have time to do. 460 00:29:11,170 --> 00:29:13,090 Mom's busy. Are they still alive? 461 00:29:13,210 --> 00:29:15,730 You're adoptive parents. They are all passed away now. 462 00:29:15,970 --> 00:29:19,650 All of them. You have a relationship with 463 00:29:19,650 --> 00:29:21,600 your brother. Which one? 464 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:25,280 The one they adopted. No, no, no. 465 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:29,680 He is a narcissist that told everybody that I was adopted and 466 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:36,640 let everybody assume he wasn't. And you know, they disinherited. 467 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,720 I moved away with my husband when I got married and he stayed 468 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:42,880 and took care of my parents and my mother died. 469 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:50,480 And then my dad, who wasn't that smart, felt I was convinced to 470 00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:54,480 hand over all of the power of attorney in my dad's finances to 471 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:58,640 my brother and his life. So all of the money that my 472 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:03,000 mother had, $50,000 chunks of CD's she had worked for all her 473 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:05,480 entire life. He went and spent at the casino 474 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:13,760 and he had my dad sell all the property or hand it over to him 475 00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:18,080 and when you know there was anything to inherit, I got some 476 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,490 dishes. Oh, wow. 477 00:30:21,730 --> 00:30:23,770 Are your birth parents still alive? 478 00:30:24,850 --> 00:30:28,170 Nope, they're all dead. Everybody's dead. 479 00:30:28,250 --> 00:30:31,010 Everybody is dead except for the siblings. 480 00:30:31,770 --> 00:30:37,570 And so, I mean, I talked to a couple of them just, well, I 481 00:30:37,570 --> 00:30:40,850 just wanted to know what my genealogy was, to know what race 482 00:30:40,850 --> 00:30:43,890 I was. So Norwegian, Irish, so that we 483 00:30:43,890 --> 00:30:45,690 got that right. Scottish. 484 00:30:45,690 --> 00:30:49,540 I'm like 44% Scottish. I found out all this medical 485 00:30:49,540 --> 00:30:52,740 history, you know, I mean medical history is important 486 00:30:52,780 --> 00:30:55,620 when you're adopted. I was thinking biological father 487 00:30:55,620 --> 00:30:57,060 and his family all had heart disease. 488 00:30:57,700 --> 00:31:01,140 And so, you know, checking the heart, you know, how's the 489 00:31:01,140 --> 00:31:03,500 ticker going doing checkups, whatever. 490 00:31:03,500 --> 00:31:06,300 And no, everybody died from cancer. 491 00:31:07,020 --> 00:31:09,900 So now I got, oh, it's cancer that I'm going to die from. 492 00:31:09,940 --> 00:31:11,420 OK, great. That's good to know. 493 00:31:13,300 --> 00:31:16,890 So all the family is not the heart dying in their 50s from 494 00:31:16,890 --> 00:31:19,930 heart attacks. They're dying in their 60s from 495 00:31:19,970 --> 00:31:21,170 cancer. Right? 496 00:31:21,170 --> 00:31:28,010 When I did the website the Next, older sister, Kelly had been 497 00:31:28,210 --> 00:31:31,730 diagnosed with colon cancer. So it's not like I could just 498 00:31:32,170 --> 00:31:33,530 have a relationship with these people. 499 00:31:33,530 --> 00:31:36,930 They were having their own life, life, life issues. 500 00:31:38,450 --> 00:31:42,770 Did you see any resemblances in your biological family or I mean 501 00:31:42,770 --> 00:31:45,850 did you get to and how about like personality wise or 502 00:31:45,850 --> 00:31:49,130 physically, you know, like how you laugh sometimes it's like 503 00:31:49,130 --> 00:31:51,650 how you laugh or something. People are like, Oh my gosh, 504 00:31:51,650 --> 00:31:53,570 they have my laugh or whatever. Did you notice? 505 00:31:53,570 --> 00:31:56,730 Well, you, you grow up and you never have anything to relate 506 00:31:56,770 --> 00:31:58,050 to. Nothing. 507 00:31:58,370 --> 00:31:59,490 Nothing. Nothing. 508 00:31:59,490 --> 00:32:02,890 Nothing, right. So for me to see something that 509 00:32:02,890 --> 00:32:05,450 is like, well, that's like me, but I do that. 510 00:32:06,050 --> 00:32:08,640 But it felt weird. Yeah. 511 00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:12,880 So my oldest sister looks and my youngest sister look identical 512 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:14,680 to each other and to their mother. 513 00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:19,720 And then in my pictures I put on my website through the picture 514 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:23,280 of me and me and my brother could be identical twins. 515 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:29,000 And then me and my sister Kelly, I had to just stare at her and 516 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:34,800 watch her talk because her teeth were the same as mine. 517 00:32:35,650 --> 00:32:38,130 I'm walking around this. I'm sorry I'm staring at you, 518 00:32:38,130 --> 00:32:40,570 but you have some jacked up teeth. 519 00:32:41,410 --> 00:32:45,370 I had braces. And our two front teeth, you 520 00:32:45,370 --> 00:32:49,970 know, point in the center. The, you know, like your mouth 521 00:32:49,970 --> 00:32:52,370 is crowded. We have the same nose, the same 522 00:32:53,370 --> 00:32:55,170 the. All the siblings have brown 523 00:32:55,210 --> 00:33:01,730 eyes. The older sister, Kim, Danny and 524 00:33:01,810 --> 00:33:06,920 Cindy, and then Kelly and I look just like each other. 525 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:11,640 Nose, eyes. She had blue eyes, but I'm the 526 00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:15,280 only one that has the green eyes, so I was fascinated with 527 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:17,960 that. So what was that like seeing 528 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:21,840 her, though? Seeing that two years ago I met 529 00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:26,600 them and they invited me to come to Easter dinner and I was like, 530 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:30,800 man, I better wear a diaper. I'm going to be pooping my 531 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,200 pants. And they were all really so 532 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,520 welcoming and they were all checking me out. 533 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:39,280 It's like, Oh my gosh, you know, this is like all these, Oh my 534 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:40,880 gosh moments. Right. 535 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,880 Yeah, but you know, inevitably the new wears off. 536 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,280 And she was dealing with her cancer. 537 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:53,000 And then the younger sister who had many, many years of drug 538 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:57,120 abuse as well. Well, she was doing her own 539 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,040 thing too. So like I really have a 540 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:03,480 relationship with any of them. Yeah, I don't have. 541 00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:05,480 The IT can be tough. I don't have the adopted 542 00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:07,960 brother. I don't have anything left from 543 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:09,639 that family. Because he took it all. 544 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:15,159 Yeah. And then I never got anything. 545 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:19,120 I don't even have a grave to visit because my biological 546 00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:26,040 father was cremated by evil stepmother and he has the ashes 547 00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:29,960 in a box in her closet. Ohh wow somewhere. 548 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:33,710 And she's got Alzheimer's now, so oh gosh, who knows what's 549 00:34:34,070 --> 00:34:35,389 going to happen to all his stuff? 550 00:34:47,830 --> 00:34:49,350 So I was like, oh, I got turquoise. 551 00:34:36,070 --> 00:34:39,790 But I did find out one of the most fascinating things to me, 552 00:34:39,790 --> 00:34:43,350 little things. My dad loved turquoise, and 553 00:34:44,429 --> 00:34:46,590 that's like my favorite rock I have a lot of. 554 00:34:49,350 --> 00:34:52,550 I didn't know that my dad gave me that desire to love 555 00:34:52,550 --> 00:34:54,750 turquoise, but apparently he did. 556 00:34:54,750 --> 00:34:57,470 It's kind of cool, yeah. It's kind of funny because it's 557 00:34:57,470 --> 00:34:59,410 like. Because you don't grow up with 558 00:34:59,410 --> 00:35:03,570 those siblings, it's hard to have that connection, even 559 00:35:03,570 --> 00:35:06,610 though the biology is there. You know, when you don't grow up 560 00:35:06,610 --> 00:35:10,810 together, it's kind of hard to do to make that same connection 561 00:35:10,810 --> 00:35:12,450 with as if you grew up with them. 562 00:35:12,450 --> 00:35:14,690 You know, we all need familiarity. 563 00:35:14,690 --> 00:35:18,010 We are a social creature. We can't just be born in a 564 00:35:18,010 --> 00:35:21,770 vacuum and raised in the wilderness with wolves. 565 00:35:21,970 --> 00:35:23,610 It just doesn't work. Yeah. 566 00:35:24,450 --> 00:35:27,970 So you kind of alluded to having some adoption trauma from your 567 00:35:27,970 --> 00:35:30,610 adoptive parents. How did that show up in your 568 00:35:30,610 --> 00:35:32,690 life later on having that trauma? 569 00:35:32,970 --> 00:35:35,330 Did you have trouble connecting with people? 570 00:35:35,330 --> 00:35:38,090 Attaching or how did you see that play out later? 571 00:35:38,610 --> 00:35:41,930 Well, first of all, potty training. 572 00:35:41,970 --> 00:35:45,690 Let's just start with that. Let's go back to the day I was 573 00:35:45,690 --> 00:35:50,490 in diapers. I was 2 1/2 and had no desire to 574 00:35:51,170 --> 00:35:55,370 be swallowed by this water monster thing that people sit on 575 00:35:55,370 --> 00:35:58,010 because a little tiny bottom on a great big old toilet. 576 00:35:58,010 --> 00:36:01,810 No, it wasn't happening. No, it was going to eat me alive 577 00:36:01,810 --> 00:36:03,570 or so. I didn't know I was going to go 578 00:36:03,570 --> 00:36:08,210 down that hole. But then you know one of the 579 00:36:08,210 --> 00:36:10,930 narratives that the social workers mentioned is my mother 580 00:36:10,930 --> 00:36:15,450 wasn't so sure about changing diapers on such a large child. 581 00:36:15,930 --> 00:36:19,650 Because even though my mother was 5 foot two and birth 582 00:36:19,650 --> 00:36:23,860 certificate father was 5-6, I'm almost 6 foot tall. 583 00:36:24,180 --> 00:36:28,260 So their potty training was do it in the toilet or we will 584 00:36:28,260 --> 00:36:33,100 spank you a lot. And of course how many times 585 00:36:33,100 --> 00:36:38,660 does the tall go potty and you do it in your pain and they 586 00:36:38,660 --> 00:36:43,060 clean you up and you get your butt beat Continuous continue. 587 00:36:43,460 --> 00:36:47,900 I wasn't potty training until I decided, well, going to school 588 00:36:47,900 --> 00:36:51,290 now, nobody going to wipe my butt. 589 00:36:51,450 --> 00:36:52,690 Better learn how to do this stuff. 590 00:36:53,370 --> 00:36:58,730 Oh my gosh, I was 5. 5 Trained myself. 591 00:36:59,210 --> 00:37:02,930 Yeah, I did. I decided, well, nobody's going 592 00:37:02,930 --> 00:37:07,330 to be down there except me, so I better get with the program. 593 00:37:07,890 --> 00:37:09,730 So that's five started kindergarten. 594 00:37:11,170 --> 00:37:14,810 That was traumatic too, because I had this old Crossy teacher 595 00:37:14,810 --> 00:37:20,310 that I don't know, but the the next school year she retired and 596 00:37:20,310 --> 00:37:23,710 so I probably was not. The best student. 597 00:37:24,750 --> 00:37:31,630 You caused her to retire. I have my suspicions, but I was 598 00:37:31,630 --> 00:37:34,910 a very, very smart child and I never did anything that they 599 00:37:34,910 --> 00:37:39,350 told me to do. And I would read the book, you 600 00:37:39,350 --> 00:37:41,390 know, I I didn't follow along in class. 601 00:37:41,390 --> 00:37:44,350 And when I didn't know where we were in the book, it's like, 602 00:37:44,350 --> 00:37:46,820 well, I already read it. Well, then I had to answer 603 00:37:46,820 --> 00:37:48,180 questions. Like I answered all the 604 00:37:48,180 --> 00:37:50,100 questions. So can't catch me. 605 00:37:50,100 --> 00:37:55,780 And you know, misbehaving there by learning stuff, you know, 606 00:37:56,100 --> 00:37:58,580 can't learn stuff ahead of the class. 607 00:37:58,580 --> 00:37:59,260 That's. No, no. 608 00:38:00,380 --> 00:38:03,300 But I I had to go to the bathroom and I was in first 609 00:38:03,300 --> 00:38:06,060 grade, so I was 6 and I said I had to go. 610 00:38:06,340 --> 00:38:08,780 Everybody has the line up. Everybody has to pee at the same 611 00:38:08,780 --> 00:38:10,620 time. We don't all have to pee at the 612 00:38:10,620 --> 00:38:13,180 same time. Just news flash, right. 613 00:38:14,020 --> 00:38:16,620 And so I had to pee. Do it now. 614 00:38:17,820 --> 00:38:20,540 And little 6 year olds bladders are not that big. 615 00:38:20,780 --> 00:38:22,740 And so she said you're going to have to wait. 616 00:38:22,940 --> 00:38:27,660 It's not time to go yet. Well, it was for me that I I let 617 00:38:27,660 --> 00:38:31,420 her have it there by the desk. Oh gosh, the desk. 618 00:38:32,620 --> 00:38:37,340 Pretty good puddle. Oh boy, you probably got in 619 00:38:37,340 --> 00:38:40,780 trouble for that at home too. Oh yeah, of course. 620 00:38:41,130 --> 00:38:45,650 The the, the beating was the the normal thing to do, you know, I 621 00:38:45,970 --> 00:38:48,930 don't know, spare the rods, boil the child or whatever. 622 00:38:48,930 --> 00:38:52,250 It was like I was not spoiled. Apparently not at all. 623 00:38:54,210 --> 00:38:58,570 Well, yeah, the the beatings commenced and never stopped. 624 00:38:58,970 --> 00:39:02,050 And I was just a very defiant child and very stubborn. 625 00:39:02,570 --> 00:39:05,290 They had a beating out of me. Didn't work. 626 00:39:05,610 --> 00:39:10,090 Thank God they wanted to break my spirit. 627 00:39:10,460 --> 00:39:13,220 That was their idea of controlling me. 628 00:39:13,700 --> 00:39:18,620 So my mother one time said I don't want you to hear me. 629 00:39:19,980 --> 00:39:25,540 Nah, I hated my mother. She was not a nice person. 630 00:39:25,540 --> 00:39:27,620 We never bonded. We never connected. 631 00:39:27,620 --> 00:39:29,940 We never clicked. She didn't know what to do with 632 00:39:29,940 --> 00:39:33,740 me, never did figure it out. And once she got her son, her 633 00:39:33,740 --> 00:39:37,860 baby boy, well, then she didn't feel the need to connect or 634 00:39:37,860 --> 00:39:39,660 click. Just go to the dishes. 635 00:39:40,410 --> 00:39:42,650 How did you deal with your adoption trauma as you got 636 00:39:42,650 --> 00:39:44,650 older? Like, did you do anything that 637 00:39:44,650 --> 00:39:47,010 helped? I was a runaway. 638 00:39:47,370 --> 00:39:50,970 I run away from home. I need to be better than that. 639 00:39:51,290 --> 00:39:55,010 But did you do anything that actually helped, like therapy or 640 00:39:55,250 --> 00:39:56,530 no? Something like that. 641 00:39:56,890 --> 00:39:58,410 Nothing at all. Nothing. 642 00:39:58,690 --> 00:40:01,490 No, I just convinced myself I wasn't crazy and I was gonna 643 00:40:01,490 --> 00:40:04,690 make good decisions and stuff, mind you. 644 00:40:05,180 --> 00:40:08,580 Traditional farming community where all the cousins are. 645 00:40:08,860 --> 00:40:11,340 They get pregnant, 15, get married, and stay married until 646 00:40:11,340 --> 00:40:13,300 they die. That's what farmers do. 647 00:40:13,700 --> 00:40:20,260 My parents, about 13, started parading all of the eligible 648 00:40:20,700 --> 00:40:22,780 bachelor farm boys in front of me. 649 00:40:23,300 --> 00:40:25,860 I didn't know at the time, but you know, that's like, we'll see 650 00:40:25,860 --> 00:40:28,380 if something clicks here. We didn't marry this off. 651 00:40:29,020 --> 00:40:32,420 Get rid of her, goes be your farm wife over there somewhere 652 00:40:32,970 --> 00:40:34,930 like everybody else in the family. 653 00:40:35,930 --> 00:40:39,210 So I felt like, well, I'm not sure that's what I want to do. 654 00:40:39,530 --> 00:40:42,530 I think I want to graduate high school and like I said earlier, 655 00:40:42,530 --> 00:40:45,690 I was a very intelligent child, so I graduated early. 656 00:40:45,890 --> 00:40:49,050 If you had all your credits you could graduate early. 657 00:40:49,050 --> 00:40:51,650 So I did and I went to went to college. 658 00:40:53,330 --> 00:40:58,010 I just kept busy though. I was told if you want some, go 659 00:40:58,010 --> 00:41:02,410 get a job. So between school and working, 660 00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:06,720 you know, I'm paying my bills. I started buying my own clothes 661 00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:11,760 and cars since I was 16 and so and I worked in the summertime 662 00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:16,400 too, to earn my keep. The only therapy I had was when 663 00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:20,640 they locked me up in a mental hospital for two weeks. 664 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:24,280 And then my mother was curious with because I embarrassed her. 665 00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:28,800 And so when I got home, I got home from the mental hospital. 666 00:41:29,290 --> 00:41:33,570 She was really rude, so she punished me because I hadn't 667 00:41:33,570 --> 00:41:35,690 done my chores yet. I need it back to the rug. 668 00:41:36,810 --> 00:41:41,050 Oh wow, that's a great memory I'm remembering and dredging up. 669 00:41:41,250 --> 00:41:43,650 I haven't thought about or talked about a long time. 670 00:41:44,050 --> 00:41:46,650 Yeah. So how's life now, though? 671 00:41:47,090 --> 00:41:54,970 You're married again. I hadn't remarried 34 years and 672 00:41:55,930 --> 00:42:01,350 kids are grown and I live on property that's paid for and 673 00:42:01,350 --> 00:42:04,910 running my own farm. So basically I come full circle 674 00:42:05,550 --> 00:42:12,310 only because that's what I wanted and that's how I at the 675 00:42:12,310 --> 00:42:14,750 time I didn't like farming because I had to do a lot of 676 00:42:14,750 --> 00:42:18,190 work and it was hard work and I didn't know that you could enjoy 677 00:42:18,190 --> 00:42:21,910 it. But I like animals. 678 00:42:21,910 --> 00:42:23,790 Like I grew up on the phone with cattle. 679 00:42:24,110 --> 00:42:28,230 I didn't want cattle because I figured I don't want something 680 00:42:28,350 --> 00:42:32,070 big enough that can trample me to death or gore me. 681 00:42:32,310 --> 00:42:36,950 So I settled for goats. I couldn't wrestle a goat to the 682 00:42:37,070 --> 00:42:37,990 ground. No problem. 683 00:42:37,990 --> 00:42:41,550 So they love me. I love goats. 684 00:42:41,870 --> 00:42:44,750 You know, I raise goats now. That's what I do. 685 00:42:45,270 --> 00:42:49,270 I I was always one to people were always telling me I 686 00:42:49,270 --> 00:42:51,790 couldn't do something. So of course, in my stubborn 687 00:42:51,790 --> 00:42:54,390 little mind. Oh, well, then I'll go do that. 688 00:42:54,940 --> 00:42:56,940 So it was reversed by calling. The same way. 689 00:42:59,460 --> 00:43:04,140 So how is life nowadays? In spite of all the other 690 00:43:04,140 --> 00:43:06,700 garbage that happened, I think it's pretty good. 691 00:43:07,180 --> 00:43:11,420 Good, that's good. So I always end with a question. 692 00:43:11,420 --> 00:43:13,820 What would you like struggling adoptees to know? 693 00:43:16,100 --> 00:43:21,460 Even back when I was adopted, I was about that 2 1/2. 694 00:43:21,820 --> 00:43:25,770 I had nightmares. On the surface, I was the happy, 695 00:43:25,850 --> 00:43:29,650 cute little toddler. But at night it's all health. 696 00:43:29,810 --> 00:43:33,450 Health broke broke loose. I I had nightmares for months. 697 00:43:33,730 --> 00:43:37,090 My adoption mother told me, well, the the nightmare stopped 698 00:43:37,090 --> 00:43:40,730 when you're about four. Oh, thanks for letting me know. 699 00:43:40,730 --> 00:43:44,050 It was just a nightmare for my life. 700 00:43:44,810 --> 00:43:48,530 So and there was no counseling. No transition period. 701 00:43:49,010 --> 00:43:53,090 There was nothing supportive in that situation. 702 00:43:53,590 --> 00:43:56,630 Yeah, it may have been better if I just been adopted it as an 703 00:43:56,630 --> 00:44:00,910 infant and just said Okay, you know, let's put her in foster 704 00:44:00,910 --> 00:44:03,110 care. And my foster parents wanted to 705 00:44:03,110 --> 00:44:05,190 adopt me, but they weren't allowed to. 706 00:44:05,830 --> 00:44:08,990 Oh, wow. They were the only family I 707 00:44:08,990 --> 00:44:12,190 knew, the only people I loved, and the only people that loved 708 00:44:12,190 --> 00:44:17,150 me and that kind of put a Wrecking Ball to, you know, the 709 00:44:17,150 --> 00:44:20,990 foundation of my life and everything else from there. 710 00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:23,720 How did you find that out that they wanted to adopt you? 711 00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:29,760 Again, the narratives that the social workers wrote. 712 00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:36,240 And in fact, it was even not allowed for my foster mother to 713 00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:40,560 make contact for my parents, my adopted parents to transition 714 00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,720 with me. So in the bag of clothes that my 715 00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:49,880 foster mother sent, she wrote a 5 page letter to my adopted 716 00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:54,760 mother instead. She likes the cold cereal with 717 00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:57,000 milk. She doesn't like the hot cereal 718 00:44:57,280 --> 00:45:00,440 she sleeps with this blanket sent with me. 719 00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:03,920 She can be really stubborn, but if you talk to her, she'll 720 00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:08,520 understand. I mean a whole absolutely 721 00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:11,520 forbidden who got in a lot of trouble. 722 00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:16,200 But she loved me and wanted the best for me. 723 00:45:16,200 --> 00:45:20,200 So she did try, but they weren't allowed. 724 00:45:20,530 --> 00:45:22,930 They weren't allowed to do that. I mean, that's just stupid. 725 00:45:23,490 --> 00:45:26,050 Yeah, did not help with the transition. 726 00:45:26,290 --> 00:45:28,770 I wonder why they didn't allow them to adopt you. 727 00:45:30,610 --> 00:45:34,010 They felt that I should be an only child. 728 00:45:35,490 --> 00:45:37,330 And they had children already in the home. 729 00:45:37,930 --> 00:45:43,250 They had like teenagers. They were a full on foster 730 00:45:43,450 --> 00:45:46,210 family. So there was another little boy 731 00:45:46,410 --> 00:45:49,730 my age in the foster home. They just thought they were kind 732 00:45:49,730 --> 00:45:54,780 of older parents and couldn't cope with having me as a they 733 00:45:54,780 --> 00:45:59,060 couldn't handle the social workers, felt that I was a hard 734 00:45:59,060 --> 00:46:05,540 to handle child and I needed the attention of a closeknit family 735 00:46:05,540 --> 00:46:09,380 that could devote all their time to me and not. 736 00:46:09,380 --> 00:46:13,500 Be scattered. My My mother, who had a career, 737 00:46:14,060 --> 00:46:17,030 worked in a law office. She had to quit her job. 738 00:46:17,030 --> 00:46:19,910 I think there's a lot of the reason why we never got along. 739 00:46:19,950 --> 00:46:24,670 I think she resented having to give up so much for this bratty 740 00:46:24,670 --> 00:46:26,390 little kid that she didn't even like. 741 00:46:26,550 --> 00:46:29,830 My dad was the full time farmer, so he wasn't going to quit his 742 00:46:29,830 --> 00:46:33,150 job. That's what put the food on the 743 00:46:33,150 --> 00:46:36,070 table. So my mom gave up a career. 744 00:46:36,430 --> 00:46:40,510 She had to stay home. My mother was a career woman who 745 00:46:40,510 --> 00:46:41,670 was going to take care of the kid. 746 00:46:41,790 --> 00:46:47,710 Well, back then somebody had to if you stay home, and it was 747 00:46:47,710 --> 00:46:51,190 another. So I don't think that anybody 748 00:46:51,190 --> 00:46:55,310 realized the dynamics of personality clashes was going 749 00:46:55,310 --> 00:46:57,430 to. They didn't feel like a 2 1/2 750 00:46:57,430 --> 00:47:02,070 year old kid was going to have an opinion or care or could be 751 00:47:02,070 --> 00:47:07,910 molded or whatever their their ideas of raising children back 752 00:47:07,910 --> 00:47:09,750 then was. They should be seen and not 753 00:47:09,750 --> 00:47:12,650 heard. They can just be treated this 754 00:47:12,730 --> 00:47:14,850 way and raised a certain way that it's going to turn out just 755 00:47:14,850 --> 00:47:17,690 the way you want them. And all I need is a little bit 756 00:47:17,690 --> 00:47:22,850 of attention and I got it. So that's okay. 757 00:47:22,850 --> 00:47:30,010 I mean, I'm, I'm, I will say again what I do want overall 758 00:47:30,410 --> 00:47:35,770 adopted children to know that. Don't fantasize about what it 759 00:47:35,770 --> 00:47:38,890 could have been, because it could have been a lot worse. 760 00:47:40,660 --> 00:47:44,860 See, my mother was mentally ill. My biological father was a child 761 00:47:44,860 --> 00:47:48,700 molester. I didn't know, but I have four 762 00:47:48,700 --> 00:47:51,860 siblings that are prime examples of what it could have been. 763 00:47:52,580 --> 00:47:54,900 A drug abuser or somebody that can't. 764 00:47:55,340 --> 00:47:58,100 You know, I'm the only one of the four siblings that's married 765 00:47:59,260 --> 00:48:01,060 that has a longterm relationship. 766 00:48:02,220 --> 00:48:04,380 They've all been divorced many times. 767 00:48:04,380 --> 00:48:08,420 Several times. My youngest sister, her name's 768 00:48:08,420 --> 00:48:12,850 Cindy. She couldn't keep her oldest 769 00:48:12,850 --> 00:48:16,250 daughter because of her drug abuse, so she let her parents, 770 00:48:16,250 --> 00:48:19,410 my dad and his wife raised her oldest child. 771 00:48:19,850 --> 00:48:22,970 And then when she was visiting, her name was Danny. 772 00:48:22,970 --> 00:48:27,970 Joe found pills that Cindy had and took him an overdosed and 773 00:48:27,970 --> 00:48:31,650 died. So I have a niece I'll never 774 00:48:31,650 --> 00:48:32,930 meet. Yeah. 775 00:48:34,330 --> 00:48:36,290 What could have my life been like? 776 00:48:36,290 --> 00:48:38,930 You don't want to just beat yourself up trying to. 777 00:48:39,630 --> 00:48:43,350 Trying to go into the what ifs and what ifs could have, should 778 00:48:43,350 --> 00:48:44,990 have. Not worth it. 779 00:48:45,910 --> 00:48:48,230 Just make your life now the best that you can do. 780 00:48:48,350 --> 00:48:52,230 Make it the best life you can. Make it, make good choices and 781 00:48:52,230 --> 00:48:55,310 do it over and over and over again for the sake of your 782 00:48:55,310 --> 00:48:57,470 sanity. That's pretty much it. 783 00:48:59,030 --> 00:49:02,790 Even though it was a painful adoption story and. 784 00:49:03,450 --> 00:49:06,330 I just thank you for telling it because there is somebody out 785 00:49:06,330 --> 00:49:10,730 there that's had a similar experience and needs to hear 786 00:49:10,730 --> 00:49:15,210 that they're not alone in that. So I thank you for, you know, 787 00:49:15,210 --> 00:49:17,890 retelling your story. And I'm I know it's not easy, 788 00:49:17,890 --> 00:49:21,690 but I thank you for helping educate the adoption community 789 00:49:21,690 --> 00:49:24,530 and helping get the word out about what really can happen. 790 00:49:25,570 --> 00:49:26,770 I hope I didn't make a difference. 791 00:49:27,490 --> 00:49:28,610 I'm sure you did. Thank you. 792 00:49:30,270 --> 00:49:33,710 Again, I just want to thank Christy for coming on and 793 00:49:33,710 --> 00:49:39,990 telling such a heart wrenching story and I know for some of you 794 00:49:39,990 --> 00:49:44,270 this was probably a difficult one to listen to, but these are 795 00:49:44,270 --> 00:49:48,870 the facts of adoption. When I started to do my podcast 796 00:49:49,350 --> 00:49:54,030 and pivoted to adoption, one of the things I promised to myself 797 00:49:54,030 --> 00:49:58,090 and the adoptee community was. That I was going to allow 798 00:49:58,090 --> 00:50:05,050 adoptees to tell their story the way they experienced it, no 799 00:50:05,050 --> 00:50:07,450 matter how hard it is to listen to. 800 00:50:08,490 --> 00:50:10,730 So thank you again Christy, for coming on. 801 00:50:10,730 --> 00:50:14,890 Mind your own karma. I know your story is in the 802 00:50:14,890 --> 00:50:20,010 shape of somebody else's wound out there that is listening, and 803 00:50:20,010 --> 00:50:24,570 you have just helped validate their story by telling yours. 804 00:50:25,510 --> 00:50:30,190 If you would like your story to help validate another adoptee, 805 00:50:30,870 --> 00:50:35,110 get in touch with me at mindyourownkarma@gmail.com and 806 00:50:35,110 --> 00:50:37,550 let's get your story on the podcast. 807 00:50:38,390 --> 00:50:41,830 As always, take what you need and leave what you don't. 808 00:50:42,790 --> 00:50:45,910 And always remember to mind your own karma. 809 00:50:46,750 --> 00:50:47,830 I'll see you next time.