Hey there, it's Melissa Brunetti and welcome to the Mind Your Own
Karma podcast. Hey there karma crew.
Thanks for joining me for another episode of Mind Your Own
Karma, The Adoption Chronicles. Today I have another adoptee
story for you, and before I get started, I just am reminded of
how different all of our stories can be.
Some are good, some are bad, and some are ugly.
And how each one of us receives and processes and deals and
heals with our stories. That is such a personal thing
that no one should be judging. Your perception of what has
happened to you is your truth, and it doesn't matter how anyone
else saw it. Your truth is your truth,
Period. No matter what anyone else says.
And we as adoptees, and not only the adoptee community but all of
society, needs to value the adoptees experience, no matter
what it is. You don't have to agree or
disagree, you just have to listen.
Just listen and be able to validate that person's
experience. That's it.
That's all you have to do. And with that being said, I want
to introduce you to my guest today, Christie Perkins.
It was the fall of 1964. Sharon, Christie's biological
mother, was 16 years old and was pregnant with Christie.
Sharon made her way to a home for unwed mothers while
Christie's birth father was in prison.
On July 29th, 1965, Christie entered the world at Christie's
foster home. She was growing and at two she
was a mama's girl. To her foster parent, all was
well with the world, but she didn't know that her world as
she knew it would soon be shattered.
Her foster parents called her big girl and when asked,
Christie didn't even know her given name, which was Lois on
her original birth certificate. Eventually she was adopted at
the age of three to a well off farmer and his wife.
And in that moment and everything changed.
Years later, Christy decided to take a DNA test.
Six weeks later when she received her results, something
wasn't right. Instead of answers, she had many
more questions. Why didn't she match her own
niece and nephew that were the grandkids of her father, Larry?
Could Larry not be her father? Who is this Kimberly that she
matched 25% of her DNA with? She had to know.
This is Christy Perkins adoption story.
We are welcoming Christy Perkins to the show today.
Hi, Christy. Hello, how are you doing?
I'm nervous. I guess.
Are you nervous? That's OK.
I am a little bit good. I don't.
I don't talk to people about being adopted or anything and I
guess this is the adopted podcast, so I don't really.
Don't really talk about it to people.
Well, you're brave. You reached out to me and you
became part of the Karma crew on my website and reached out
wanting to tell your adoption story.
So thanks so much for doing that.
So let's start with why did you want to tell your story?
It's a personal story, so it doesn't necessarily apply to
everybody, but enough people can relate.
They don't maybe feel alone. Yeah, When they have things that
are missing from the narrative, everybody on the outside looking
in says, oh, adoption's great, adoption's good.
And, you know, it's not necessarily the all that great.
Yeah. So you weren't adopted until you
were three years old. So tell us what happened.
What were the circumstances? What do you know about why you
were put up for adoption? Well, I've known all my life.
I was adopted. But back then?
In the 60s when I was born, they just put the man on the birth
certificate who they thought was daddy.
And well, that's part of my story.
I found out recently he was not a biological father, so I've had
to go relive a bunch of trauma over that.
But the story is that I just recently found out is the truth,
not the lie I've been living most of my life so.
That's the interesting part, that so many people lie and we
are the victims of those lies, basically.
Yeah. Well, I knew my mother was 16
when she had me. I knew that.
And I was born in the state of Kansas, so in Kansas.
When you're of age, you can just call up the social services
department and say give me my records and tell me, you know,
open my adoption records and they mail them to you in a great
big ol envelope and you can read through all of the information.
And it wasn't difficult. So they just said, oh, here's
your parents, here's your your mother.
So I got a phone call like a week later for my mother's
mother, who didn't believe that she thought it was a scam.
But it wasn't really her granddaughter.
So she wanted to save her daughter from trauma of some
scammers and wanted to see if I was legitimate and started
asking me a bunch of questions, like, you know, if you're being
interviewed by the cops or something, how old are you and
where were you born? And I was like, I answered all
her questions sufficient enough for my mother to call me.
And I was only 17, so she was 30 something.
So you sent for your records when you were 17.
Yeah, I did. Oh wow.
And they sent it to you, even though you weren't an adult yet.
Absolutely. That's old enough.
Whatever. Few months away from 18, you
know just when the when the child starts seeking which which
is the first part of my story. Thankfully the state of Kansas
believes that it's not a oneway St. people that adopt the child.
It's not a closed adoption and at some point they open the
records, the people that are putting the kid up for adoption.
Can't just walk away forever with, you know, anonymously.
Because I strongly believe that, hey, this is my life too.
So give me my information. And I wanted to know everything.
I wanted to know what my birth certificate said, who my parents
were. Was I?
How come you got a hold of your grandma 1st and not your mom?
She called me. She called me.
So the state of Kansas actually went as far as to.
Contact the people they had contact information for.
So they said they called her up and said, hey, your
granddaughter wants to meet up. They had my phone number, which
I allowed them to give her and they she called me.
That was pretty simple. All things are not that way.
But my mother was 17 and my dad was a Marine stationed in
California, but was from Kansas and he was married.
And had three other children. Not to your mom, though.
No, wait. He was from Kansas, and him and
his wife had a break or a divorce or whatever they did,
they separated momentarily long enough for my parents to meet.
I was talking to my, my older sister, she said.
Probably at the cakewalk at this Catholic Church, Yeah, because I
was born. Literally nine months after nine
months later, you know Halloween is I actually looked and
Halloween, Halloween was Saturday night that that's
rocking at the Catholic Church and they did cakewalk.
So like OK, I could just just imagine how that worked out.
But he was 20, something tall, good looking.
She was a cute 16 year old and. He said, oh baby.
And she said, oh you're so you're so tall.
My mother was only 5 foot two, but I had no knowledge of this
growing up. I had no idea anything.
No one knew anything. They didn't even have an idea of
my nationality. They said, oh she looks Irish,
let's call that Irish. And.
State of Kansas was real slow in severing my parents' parental
rights. I guess she hooked up with the
guy, said it was Daddy and I don't even know if they were
married, but he was on my birth certificate and so when I had
my, the Marine was. No, the birth.
See, I have several fathers. Let's list them.
So there's a biological father, yes.
The birth certificate father, the foster father, the adopted
father and the stepfather. I mean, let's just pick one and
we'll talk about any number of fathers in my life.
But the birth certificate father was probably not married to my
mother. He was 30 something, and he was
in prison. And so I was really trying to
figure out how he'd be my father.
And then, of course, he wasn't. Because, gosh, I was.
Like two or three years ago I decided to do my DNA, which is a
big eye opener, especially for adopted people or people that
don't know they're adopted, which is criminal.
You know, we don't want to hurt anybody.
We don't want to get all the skeletons out of the closet, but
it it doesn't matter. That's still information that
they're hiding from me or lying about, which I don't approve of.
But this first certificate father is a PC non player
character. He was just the guy in jail,
died in jail, that I was told with my father.
He was also short though, and really kind of ugly, so I
couldn't really relate to him when I met him.
I met him one time, so I was 17. I found my mother.
My parents drove me to Topeka where she was living with Q
stepfather, and so I stayed with him a week and it was a horrible
disaster. My mother's a narcissist
extraordinaire. I also found out that she was
mentally ill, so it was good that I was not raised by her.
So let's just be clear. My situation could have been
worse, but I sure wish I had all the information that should be,
you know, they didn't know they didn't do DNA back then, so they
stuck this guy on my birth certificate.
So I was. 20-30 years thinking this dude was my biological
father and he was not. But I didn't know that even when
I did the DNA because all these people that were coming up, not
my mother's side, I assumed it was my father's side.
I assumed it was the birth certificate father side of the
family. So I didn't know anybody and
nobody could tell me anything. So I just sit on that
information for a couple of years and then a niece who was
my birth certificate father's. Son's daughter contacted me
wanting information about the partial side of the family, so I
told her what I knew she did. DNAI did DNA, but it wasn't the
same company. So I figured that's why we
didn't match on the I did Ancestry.
She did 23 and me. Well, I thought, well this is
weird. So I did 23 and me.
It didn't match her then either, so it's like.
He adopted all over again. OK, now who am I?
Yeah. Oh my gosh.
But you know, I was born July 29th, so my birthday is this
week. Yeah.
I found my mother. She was 17.
I don't know what her relationship was with birth
certificate father, but he was in prison.
They were together. She said she got married when
she was 14, which is logical because her older.
Yeah, her older sister. Come to find out, half sister
was also married at 14, just to get out of the house.
Big Catholic Irish family. And the grandmother, my
grandmother, my mother's mother, she didn't raise any of her
kids. She was a very active woman who
didn't believe in sticking with one man.
So. So my mother was the youngest of
13 children. Yeah, so.
That was, I don't know. Most of my mother's siblings
were dead before I met my mother for really old Oh my gosh.
She was the youngest, so she was 30, while the older ones were in
their 50s. I was just a kid, but how did
you find who your biological dad was then?
So when I did the DNA and all these names came up, which I
didn't recognize, I finally. Contacted A genealogy DNA
researcher and somehow they can build on your matches on
theancestry.com. They give you a percentage or
some kind of how many matches in the C Sims or whatever they are,
and she constructed a family tree.
And traced back to the highest match I had which is 25% which
was 1/2 sister and so she had told me this is your half
sister. So I kind of freaked out and I
didn't know how to contact them. That is when my husband did the
website. So I had her address and I had
her phone number and I was kind of stalking her Facebook page.
And so she was ill and I didn't want to bug her as I thought,
how do I contact her without making them think I'm some kind
of stalker, crazy person or whatever?
You know, you have some person contacting Facebook.
It's like you don't know what to think about it.
I just said, honey, can you do that website for me and we can
put some pictures up, you know, and a little bit about my story?
And he said sure, no problem. So I sent her a card thinking of
you and flowers, and in the card I gave her the URL website and
they checked it out, which was a lot of calling.
The siblings and everybody, the cousins and everybody was
shocked. Daddy's got a new kid and The
funny thing is they weren't shocked about it because it's
like. We knew Dad couldn't keep it as
pants anyway, So we did, We thought, But there's only one Up
until then, there wasn't any other people contacting them
saying I'm your sibling. And so the one sister that I met
was in California, where she grew up, her mom, when my dad
and her mom was, you know, living out in California.
But then he relocated to Olathe, KS, and that's where the rest of
the siblings live now. So I I was in contact with them
and they kind of, you know, welcomed me into the family.
Good, bad and the ugly. It wasn't is like, this is your
family now. Don't get to pick another one,
like an adoption. So how many siblings did you
have from your dad then? For my dad, let's see my oldest
sister, him, then Kelly. And there was a brother.
His name is Danny Junior. Then my dad and his wife split
up, had me, which makes #4 and then #5.
He went back to his wife and had Cindy.
Oh, wow. Yeah, and so my name even is
very interesting because they changed my name from what was on
my birth certificate. My mother had named me Lois.
What did she name you? Lois.
Oh, Lois. OK.
Yeah. That was my birth certificate
name. But when you're adopted, her
reasoning was change the name so the evil biological family can't
be looking for people with that name and birth date.
Right. So to protect me and have no one
know my new name, they changed it.
Christy, it was Lois. And so I was at Lois until I was
legally adopted. I wasn't legally adopted until I
was 5, four and a half. Were you in foster care till you
were three or what happened with that?
Well, my mother was in a home for unwed mothers.
My birth certificate father was in jail and so I'm not sure
about the circumstances, but she ended up in a home for unwed
mothers in Beloit, KS. I think it was a mental hospital
to be honest. Because they have a little
hospital there. So she went to KU Medical
Center, had me. Interestingly, I found out
probably was a forcep baby because I finally got a hold of
some medical records and said that my face was paralyzed,
which is back then a result, a side effect of being pulled out.
She was 16. She was 5 foot two, so it was
probably difficult labor for her and I was in the hospital
because of that for extended period of time and then after I
left the hospital I went straight to the foster home and
you were there till you were three.
I was born in July and I went to my adopted home in December of.
2 1/2 years later, so it's almost three 2 1/2, but I
remember being handed over. They didn't do any transitions.
They didn't do any aftercare. I did have a social worker that
came to visit once in a while and bring me candy and stuffed
bears, which is like, oh, there's that nice lady again.
Once you bring me this time, right about once a month she
would visit until I was about 5:00, I guess.
I don't recommend doing that to a 2 1/2 year old.
It's very traumatic. There was no transition.
They just said okay, there's your mom and dad, see ya.
Pat is me on the head and says have a nice life and I know from
my. Adopted parents tell me, yeah,
we came to where they came to pick me up and it was Kansas
City. They were at the hotel room and
the social workers brought me into the hotel room.
And I was just a little tomboy even then and I was roughhousing
with my dad and having a good time and laughing and playing.
And so he said, oh hey, that looks like a great match there.
I guess you just take her home. And my parents stayed in one
night at the hotel. Then we drove to Pittsburgh,
Kansas and I remember the car. It was a blue 60 something Ltd
driving down the Main St. Looking up through the windows,
seeing the Christmas lights because they break them from one
side of the street to the other side of the street with a big
bell or something in the middle, it was like going through a
tunnel. So I just thought that was just
amazing. So why did your adoptive parents
decide to adopt? Because you were two and a half.
A lot of people want the baby, you know?
Well, that's a whole different story.
Which gets into the darker side of adoptions for me anyway.
If there wasn't so much red tape involved, there'd be a lot more
children adopted. I mean, it's really difficult to
adopt A child in this country. So it took 2 1/2 years for me to
get through the red tape. They tried to reunify me to my
parents, and my father kept going back into prison or some
sorts. He was not a good person.
You're adopted. My birth certificate Father.
Yes, they were married, which I haven't seen any records.
I tried to find records that I couldn't.
I think they're waiting until my mother turned 18 because she was
a minor. They couldn't release a baby to
a minor. That's just my theory.
But I also was given all of the narratives that the social
workers wrote about the situation.
They said, well, we're not sure what we want to do with this
child and her situation, but we really do need to figure out
something. Soon, I mean, they didn't figure
anything out until they finally decided to sever their parental
rights and then place me up for adoption at 2:00.
Yeah, if your mom was having mental issues, maybe that's why
they didn't. They didn't give you to her if
that was really an issue. Well, they didn't mention a lot
of mental issues or any evaluations they did on my
mother, but my first certificate father was in prison for
indecent liberties with the minor so.
Yeah, maybe that's, yeah, I was like dodged that bullet.
Yeah, my mother has a type because my siblings told me that
my biological father like blessing little girls, so they
all said I dodged a bullet. So I was like, well, I'm sorry I
missed out on all the fun there, but that was great.
Great part about being a, I guess, But my sister, she's been
married several times. She never maintains the
relationship with a man for more than a year.
She's just a broken person. Extremely thankful I didn't have
to go through any of that. I mean, it's like, pick your
poison, bad or badder. I mean, what which one do you
want? You know, they didn't really, I
don't think did a lot of. I don't know what they're
thinking was, but I know what they did.
I know what they said. Some of the things I read on
their notes, I have a big Manila folder of all the notes that
they took. They sent all of it.
That's crazy. I'm in California, so we get
nothing. They kept all that.
We get nothing bye well also I got nothing cuz I have two baby
pickers. They had a couple in my file,
but no one thought to maybe send some baby pictures for later on
for family purposes. So I have like no baby pictures
up until I was 2 1/2 and then my parents took pictures.
Seeing those little things like that, well, it's not, it's not
little to us, but people just don't think about those things
for adoptees like that. No, my parents.
But just think about that. You don't have any pictures of
you as a baby. That's a big deal.
It totally is. But to answer your question, why
did my parents decide to adopt? They were at the time called,
well, to do farmers. And my mother and father got
married, the adopted father and mother, and they work jobs.
My mother was in college, you know, they were living their
life. They got married when my mother
was 19 and my adopted father was like 20 something.
And then my mother's adopted mother's father died, and so
they decided to take over the farm.
And my grandmother was a widow, and he started farming.
They had a baby, a little infant boy, about three years before I
was born. So that means that they were
childless for about five years after.
I don't know when they submitted an application to adopt, but
three years before I was born they had an infant son and he
was born in January and he died in February the same year from
pneumonia and it was winter and it was a drafty old farmhouse
and my parents were both chain smokers and I think they just
that house could be filled with smoke.
It was like chain smokers lighting one cigarette with
another cigarette. So when my mother lost that
baby, her doctor told her, well, if you just drink a beer every
night to calm your nerves, you'll be fine.
Sure, sure, that's a great remedy for I just drink a beer
since the the doctor's prescription.
So my adopted mother was grieving, but eventually they
decided they couldn't have any more kids.
For whatever reason. I believe my mother had
endometriosis problems really bad.
They were lucky to have the one, but never got pregnant again.
That I know. I think she had a lot of
miscarriages. She never really talked about
it. She never was one to talk about
anything. So, like, we don't talk about
that, but it's like, OK, well, the state of Kansas, they
weren't going to just give anybody.
The premium babies were left for other people apparently, so they
were going to give him a trial run with this 2 1/2 year old
girl. And they said in the notes we
really felt she needed the attention of being an only
child. So on my end, I needed to be an
only child from being the center of attention and having lots of
siblings and lots of attention to hanging out with old people.
And not being the center of attention and everything I did
that was cute, I could do no wrong, you know?
They didn't spank me. And I never had my hair cut.
It was naturally curly, gorgeous, golden blonde Shirley
Temple locks with bare skin and cherub little cheeks and blue
eyes. And I was a doll and everybody
oohed and awed over this beautiful baby.
And then I get, you know, into their home at 2 1/2.
And I was just a brat. So their their idea of
oldfashioned. I will.
This is very oldfashioned, very traditional farmers.
It's well, you beat the crap out of the kid into submission.
Then if they don't like it, beat them some more.
So I went from the center of attention and could do no wrong
to hanging out with old people and could do nothing right.
Yeah, and that's how my life started being adopted.
So did they adopt another child later on?
Much later. I'm pretty sure they wanted to
see how things went with this 2 1/2 year old needy child.
And if they did really, really good, they would give them
their, what I call their golden child.
Well, we'll reward you with your infant son.
So they eventually I was in first grade and a teacher had
come up to me and said, oh, aren't you excited about getting
a baby brother? I go.
That's news to me. Oh, wow.
Because we didn't talk about stuff like that.
They were just going to surprise me one day, I suppose.
I don't know, like getting a new puppy dog, but right.
So here I am, 5 1/2 and they bring home this infant son.
Their pinnacle of a Their family is complete now.
The boy that could do no wrong walked on.
Water. Shit.
Didn't stink all that. So guess what I was the.
Opposite I was the maid because girls, they don't work on the
farm. They stay in the kitchen and
help their mom. But I wanted to be a farmer.
That's all I ever wanted was to hang out with my dad and be in
the field and work the cattle. It was a working farm, you know,
I was allowed to help my grandmother and she was in
charge of the chicken. So I got to go out and gather
all the eggs and wash the eggs. Then it was basically help your
mother cook dinner, clean the house, take out the trash,
whatever. They didn't have time to do.
Mom's busy. Are they still alive?
You're adoptive parents. They are all passed away now.
All of them. You have a relationship with
your brother. Which one?
The one they adopted. No, no, no.
He is a narcissist that told everybody that I was adopted and
let everybody assume he wasn't. And you know, they disinherited.
I moved away with my husband when I got married and he stayed
and took care of my parents and my mother died.
And then my dad, who wasn't that smart, felt I was convinced to
hand over all of the power of attorney in my dad's finances to
my brother and his life. So all of the money that my
mother had, $50,000 chunks of CD's she had worked for all her
entire life. He went and spent at the casino
and he had my dad sell all the property or hand it over to him
and when you know there was anything to inherit, I got some
dishes. Oh, wow.
Are your birth parents still alive?
Nope, they're all dead. Everybody's dead.
Everybody is dead except for the siblings.
And so, I mean, I talked to a couple of them just, well, I
just wanted to know what my genealogy was, to know what race
I was. So Norwegian, Irish, so that we
got that right. Scottish.
I'm like 44% Scottish. I found out all this medical
history, you know, I mean medical history is important
when you're adopted. I was thinking biological father
and his family all had heart disease.
And so, you know, checking the heart, you know, how's the
ticker going doing checkups, whatever.
And no, everybody died from cancer.
So now I got, oh, it's cancer that I'm going to die from.
OK, great. That's good to know.
So all the family is not the heart dying in their 50s from
heart attacks. They're dying in their 60s from
cancer. Right?
When I did the website the Next, older sister, Kelly had been
diagnosed with colon cancer. So it's not like I could just
have a relationship with these people.
They were having their own life, life, life issues.
Did you see any resemblances in your biological family or I mean
did you get to and how about like personality wise or
physically, you know, like how you laugh sometimes it's like
how you laugh or something. People are like, Oh my gosh,
they have my laugh or whatever. Did you notice?
Well, you, you grow up and you never have anything to relate
to. Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing, right. So for me to see something that
is like, well, that's like me, but I do that.
But it felt weird. Yeah.
So my oldest sister looks and my youngest sister look identical
to each other and to their mother.
And then in my pictures I put on my website through the picture
of me and me and my brother could be identical twins.
And then me and my sister Kelly, I had to just stare at her and
watch her talk because her teeth were the same as mine.
I'm walking around this. I'm sorry I'm staring at you,
but you have some jacked up teeth.
I had braces. And our two front teeth, you
know, point in the center. The, you know, like your mouth
is crowded. We have the same nose, the same
the. All the siblings have brown
eyes. The older sister, Kim, Danny and
Cindy, and then Kelly and I look just like each other.
Nose, eyes. She had blue eyes, but I'm the
only one that has the green eyes, so I was fascinated with
that. So what was that like seeing
her, though? Seeing that two years ago I met
them and they invited me to come to Easter dinner and I was like,
man, I better wear a diaper. I'm going to be pooping my
pants. And they were all really so
welcoming and they were all checking me out.
It's like, Oh my gosh, you know, this is like all these, Oh my
gosh moments. Right.
Yeah, but you know, inevitably the new wears off.
And she was dealing with her cancer.
And then the younger sister who had many, many years of drug
abuse as well. Well, she was doing her own
thing too. So like I really have a
relationship with any of them. Yeah, I don't have.
The IT can be tough. I don't have the adopted
brother. I don't have anything left from
that family. Because he took it all.
Yeah. And then I never got anything.
I don't even have a grave to visit because my biological
father was cremated by evil stepmother and he has the ashes
in a box in her closet. Ohh wow somewhere.
And she's got Alzheimer's now, so oh gosh, who knows what's
going to happen to all his stuff?
So I was like, oh, I got turquoise.
But I did find out one of the most fascinating things to me,
little things. My dad loved turquoise, and
that's like my favorite rock I have a lot of.
I didn't know that my dad gave me that desire to love
turquoise, but apparently he did.
It's kind of cool, yeah. It's kind of funny because it's
like. Because you don't grow up with
those siblings, it's hard to have that connection, even
though the biology is there. You know, when you don't grow up
together, it's kind of hard to do to make that same connection
with as if you grew up with them.
You know, we all need familiarity.
We are a social creature. We can't just be born in a
vacuum and raised in the wilderness with wolves.
It just doesn't work. Yeah.
So you kind of alluded to having some adoption trauma from your
adoptive parents. How did that show up in your
life later on having that trauma?
Did you have trouble connecting with people?
Attaching or how did you see that play out later?
Well, first of all, potty training.
Let's just start with that. Let's go back to the day I was
in diapers. I was 2 1/2 and had no desire to
be swallowed by this water monster thing that people sit on
because a little tiny bottom on a great big old toilet.
No, it wasn't happening. No, it was going to eat me alive
or so. I didn't know I was going to go
down that hole. But then you know one of the
narratives that the social workers mentioned is my mother
wasn't so sure about changing diapers on such a large child.
Because even though my mother was 5 foot two and birth
certificate father was 5-6, I'm almost 6 foot tall.
So their potty training was do it in the toilet or we will
spank you a lot. And of course how many times
does the tall go potty and you do it in your pain and they
clean you up and you get your butt beat Continuous continue.
I wasn't potty training until I decided, well, going to school
now, nobody going to wipe my butt.
Better learn how to do this stuff.
Oh my gosh, I was 5. 5 Trained myself.
Yeah, I did. I decided, well, nobody's going
to be down there except me, so I better get with the program.
So that's five started kindergarten.
That was traumatic too, because I had this old Crossy teacher
that I don't know, but the the next school year she retired and
so I probably was not. The best student.
You caused her to retire. I have my suspicions, but I was
a very, very smart child and I never did anything that they
told me to do. And I would read the book, you
know, I I didn't follow along in class.
And when I didn't know where we were in the book, it's like,
well, I already read it. Well, then I had to answer
questions. Like I answered all the
questions. So can't catch me.
And you know, misbehaving there by learning stuff, you know,
can't learn stuff ahead of the class.
That's. No, no.
But I I had to go to the bathroom and I was in first
grade, so I was 6 and I said I had to go.
Everybody has the line up. Everybody has to pee at the same
time. We don't all have to pee at the
same time. Just news flash, right.
And so I had to pee. Do it now.
And little 6 year olds bladders are not that big.
And so she said you're going to have to wait.
It's not time to go yet. Well, it was for me that I I let
her have it there by the desk. Oh gosh, the desk.
Pretty good puddle. Oh boy, you probably got in
trouble for that at home too. Oh yeah, of course.
The the, the beating was the the normal thing to do, you know, I
don't know, spare the rods, boil the child or whatever.
It was like I was not spoiled. Apparently not at all.
Well, yeah, the the beatings commenced and never stopped.
And I was just a very defiant child and very stubborn.
They had a beating out of me. Didn't work.
Thank God they wanted to break my spirit.
That was their idea of controlling me.
So my mother one time said I don't want you to hear me.
Nah, I hated my mother. She was not a nice person.
We never bonded. We never connected.
We never clicked. She didn't know what to do with
me, never did figure it out. And once she got her son, her
baby boy, well, then she didn't feel the need to connect or
click. Just go to the dishes.
How did you deal with your adoption trauma as you got
older? Like, did you do anything that
helped? I was a runaway.
I run away from home. I need to be better than that.
But did you do anything that actually helped, like therapy or
no? Something like that.
Nothing at all. Nothing.
No, I just convinced myself I wasn't crazy and I was gonna
make good decisions and stuff, mind you.
Traditional farming community where all the cousins are.
They get pregnant, 15, get married, and stay married until
they die. That's what farmers do.
My parents, about 13, started parading all of the eligible
bachelor farm boys in front of me.
I didn't know at the time, but you know, that's like, we'll see
if something clicks here. We didn't marry this off.
Get rid of her, goes be your farm wife over there somewhere
like everybody else in the family.
So I felt like, well, I'm not sure that's what I want to do.
I think I want to graduate high school and like I said earlier,
I was a very intelligent child, so I graduated early.
If you had all your credits you could graduate early.
So I did and I went to went to college.
I just kept busy though. I was told if you want some, go
get a job. So between school and working,
you know, I'm paying my bills. I started buying my own clothes
and cars since I was 16 and so and I worked in the summertime
too, to earn my keep. The only therapy I had was when
they locked me up in a mental hospital for two weeks.
And then my mother was curious with because I embarrassed her.
And so when I got home, I got home from the mental hospital.
She was really rude, so she punished me because I hadn't
done my chores yet. I need it back to the rug.
Oh wow, that's a great memory I'm remembering and dredging up.
I haven't thought about or talked about a long time.
Yeah. So how's life now, though?
You're married again. I hadn't remarried 34 years and
kids are grown and I live on property that's paid for and
running my own farm. So basically I come full circle
only because that's what I wanted and that's how I at the
time I didn't like farming because I had to do a lot of
work and it was hard work and I didn't know that you could enjoy
it. But I like animals.
Like I grew up on the phone with cattle.
I didn't want cattle because I figured I don't want something
big enough that can trample me to death or gore me.
So I settled for goats. I couldn't wrestle a goat to the
ground. No problem.
So they love me. I love goats.
You know, I raise goats now. That's what I do.
I I was always one to people were always telling me I
couldn't do something. So of course, in my stubborn
little mind. Oh, well, then I'll go do that.
So it was reversed by calling. The same way.
So how is life nowadays? In spite of all the other
garbage that happened, I think it's pretty good.
Good, that's good. So I always end with a question.
What would you like struggling adoptees to know?
Even back when I was adopted, I was about that 2 1/2.
I had nightmares. On the surface, I was the happy,
cute little toddler. But at night it's all health.
Health broke broke loose. I I had nightmares for months.
My adoption mother told me, well, the the nightmare stopped
when you're about four. Oh, thanks for letting me know.
It was just a nightmare for my life.
So and there was no counseling. No transition period.
There was nothing supportive in that situation.
Yeah, it may have been better if I just been adopted it as an
infant and just said Okay, you know, let's put her in foster
care. And my foster parents wanted to
adopt me, but they weren't allowed to.
Oh, wow. They were the only family I
knew, the only people I loved, and the only people that loved
me and that kind of put a Wrecking Ball to, you know, the
foundation of my life and everything else from there.
How did you find that out that they wanted to adopt you?
Again, the narratives that the social workers wrote.
And in fact, it was even not allowed for my foster mother to
make contact for my parents, my adopted parents to transition
with me. So in the bag of clothes that my
foster mother sent, she wrote a 5 page letter to my adopted
mother instead. She likes the cold cereal with
milk. She doesn't like the hot cereal
she sleeps with this blanket sent with me.
She can be really stubborn, but if you talk to her, she'll
understand. I mean a whole absolutely
forbidden who got in a lot of trouble.
But she loved me and wanted the best for me.
So she did try, but they weren't allowed.
They weren't allowed to do that. I mean, that's just stupid.
Yeah, did not help with the transition.
I wonder why they didn't allow them to adopt you.
They felt that I should be an only child.
And they had children already in the home.
They had like teenagers. They were a full on foster
family. So there was another little boy
my age in the foster home. They just thought they were kind
of older parents and couldn't cope with having me as a they
couldn't handle the social workers, felt that I was a hard
to handle child and I needed the attention of a closeknit family
that could devote all their time to me and not.
Be scattered. My My mother, who had a career,
worked in a law office. She had to quit her job.
I think there's a lot of the reason why we never got along.
I think she resented having to give up so much for this bratty
little kid that she didn't even like.
My dad was the full time farmer, so he wasn't going to quit his
job. That's what put the food on the
table. So my mom gave up a career.
She had to stay home. My mother was a career woman who
was going to take care of the kid.
Well, back then somebody had to if you stay home, and it was
another. So I don't think that anybody
realized the dynamics of personality clashes was going
to. They didn't feel like a 2 1/2
year old kid was going to have an opinion or care or could be
molded or whatever their their ideas of raising children back
then was. They should be seen and not
heard. They can just be treated this
way and raised a certain way that it's going to turn out just
the way you want them. And all I need is a little bit
of attention and I got it. So that's okay.
I mean, I'm, I'm, I will say again what I do want overall
adopted children to know that. Don't fantasize about what it
could have been, because it could have been a lot worse.
See, my mother was mentally ill. My biological father was a child
molester. I didn't know, but I have four
siblings that are prime examples of what it could have been.
A drug abuser or somebody that can't.
You know, I'm the only one of the four siblings that's married
that has a longterm relationship.
They've all been divorced many times.
Several times. My youngest sister, her name's
Cindy. She couldn't keep her oldest
daughter because of her drug abuse, so she let her parents,
my dad and his wife raised her oldest child.
And then when she was visiting, her name was Danny.
Joe found pills that Cindy had and took him an overdosed and
died. So I have a niece I'll never
meet. Yeah.
What could have my life been like?
You don't want to just beat yourself up trying to.
Trying to go into the what ifs and what ifs could have, should
have. Not worth it.
Just make your life now the best that you can do.
Make it the best life you can. Make it, make good choices and
do it over and over and over again for the sake of your
sanity. That's pretty much it.
Even though it was a painful adoption story and.
I just thank you for telling it because there is somebody out
there that's had a similar experience and needs to hear
that they're not alone in that. So I thank you for, you know,
retelling your story. And I'm I know it's not easy,
but I thank you for helping educate the adoption community
and helping get the word out about what really can happen.
I hope I didn't make a difference.
I'm sure you did. Thank you.
Again, I just want to thank Christy for coming on and
telling such a heart wrenching story and I know for some of you
this was probably a difficult one to listen to, but these are
the facts of adoption. When I started to do my podcast
and pivoted to adoption, one of the things I promised to myself
and the adoptee community was. That I was going to allow
adoptees to tell their story the way they experienced it, no
matter how hard it is to listen to.
So thank you again Christy, for coming on.
Mind your own karma. I know your story is in the
shape of somebody else's wound out there that is listening, and
you have just helped validate their story by telling yours.
If you would like your story to help validate another adoptee,
get in touch with me at mindyourownkarma@gmail.com and
let's get your story on the podcast.
As always, take what you need and leave what you don't.
And always remember to mind your own karma.
I'll see you next time.