Hey there, it's Melissa Brunetti and welcome to the Mind Your Own
Karma podcast. Hey.
There, Karma crew, Thanks for listening in on another episode
of Mind Your Own, Karma, The Adoption Chronicles.
My guest today is someone that I met through Fireside Adoptees,
the Facebook group for adoptees only, and her name is Nicole
Kaharik. Let me tell you a little bit
about Nicole. Nicole is a domestic transracial
adoptee, born and raised in Cleveland, OH.
She grew up knowing she was adopted.
Her father, a decorated Marine turned Catholic priest, adopted
her after she had been left with him when she was three years
old. Mother's Day has always been
particularly difficult for Nicole, despite being a mother
herself, having been raised by a single father.
It defined the fact that she did not fit in.
Early in her marketing career, Nicole joined the adoption
community through volunteer work with Adoption Network Cleveland,
a nonprofit that supports everyone touched by adoption.
After serving on the Special Events Committee, Nicole was
asked to join the Board of Directors.
Through this work, she accepted adoption as a complex, lifelong
intergenerational journey with ongoing impact for all whose
lives are touched by it. This epiphany helped her realize
her feelings of pain, confusion, and self doubt were a natural
part of the adoptee journey and inspired her to dive into the
work of healing. Nicole spent years on what she
calls her journey of self discovery, working to understand
how being abandoned and adopted shaped her thought patterns,
decisions and relationships. This journey inspired her to
share her truth to validate and uplift her fellow adoptees.
In 20/19, she launched her blog and social media platforms, The
Adoptee and Me a place to share the journey of self discovery.
Since then, Nicole has shared her lessons learned about
identity, change, loss and love, aiming to inspire adoptees to
embrace their inner adoptee and build healing connections.
Since 2021, Nicole has served as a member of the Fireside
Adoptees Leadership team, where she leverages her 20 plus years
of marketing and communications expertise to help guide the
organization's mission and evolution in service to adoptees
at every stage of their journey. A few years ago, Nicole embarked
on a new chapter of her adoptee journey to find the mother who
left her behind at the age of three.
The search began with her original birth certificate,
involved multiple third party organizations, and lasted much
longer than anticipated. This latest chapter of her
adoptee journey inspires Nicole to share her story about the
emotional. Roller coaster of search, self
discovery, loss and hope. Here is my interview with Nicole
Koharik. So we are welcoming Nicole to
the show today. I'm so excited.
We've been trying to get you on the show for a long time.
If you're finally here, so I'm happy to invite you on the show.
Thanks for having me, Melissa. It's it's so exciting to be here
and I'm excited for our conversation.
Yeah, Nicole and I met through Fireside Adoptees, which I
mentioned a ton on the show here and do not know your story.
So this is going to be fun. So we're going to just jump
right in here. There's so much I want to talk
about. So let's just start with what
were the circumstances? What do you know about your
adoption? Well, such a loaded question
because there's what I thought I knew, what I grew up with and
that information, and then there's the recent information
from the last few years of the search experience.
So that's kind of where I am on my journey, is working through
the realities of the new information.
I found out recently. What I can tell you is that when
I was very young, I always knew I was adopted.
And my father, my adopted father, actually adopted.
Me as a single parent. So I was raised by an amazing
single dad, and he told me what I knew of my story when I was
very young was that your mother left you with me to babysit one
day and never returned. And that is the mystery that I
grew up thinking about on almost a daily basis.
Where did she go? Who is my mother?
What happened? Why did she leave me with him?
So it's been definitely an interesting journey and I think
that that's when I think about being adopted.
It's definitely a lifelong journey.
And when I started viewing it that way, it brought me more
peace because I know that it's going to continue.
And even though, you know, I learned a lot recently, there's
always going to be a next phase. So it's always changing.
It always does seem like there's three stories.
Or like the edited version of the parts.
And then what really happened, Right?
Exactly. That may be true, but the detail
of the why. Like one of the things that I
thought about a lot through my childhood was what's her story,
you know? And for a long time I didn't
want to search because I didn't want to disrupt my world.
But I ended up actually doing that a few years ago, and I'm
glad I did. Yeah.
Even my side of the story isn't totally accurate, but it's my
perception of what happened. So that's my reality and my
truth. And I don't think that's a
wrong. That's a wrong thing, you know?
I love that. I think that is one of the keys
of being adapted and coping with it is realizing that it's all
about your truth, and that's up to you to understand and to
define. And knowing that is something
that brings me a lot of peace now.
Yeah. So you said you always knew you
were adopted and so you just grew up with one father.
And so how do you see adoption affecting you growing up, being
adopted even into the teen years looking back?
Because I'm sure at the time you don't even realize, but.
Yeah, well, it was kind of one I.
I had to know because I always felt out of place.
So I'm a transracial adaptee. I didn't find that out with data
until recently in doing my DNA. But I never looked like anyone.
I didn't look like my father. I didn't look like anyone at
school, in my family, in my community even.
And I didn't see any diversity until college.
And that is actually ironically, or maybe not so erratically,
when I started to feel like I was starting to discover who I
really am. You know, we talk about identity
challenges with adoptees, and I definitely face that.
And being a child really felt kind of like an alien.
I knew I was loved, but I never felt like I really belonged
anywhere. Right.
So growing up, getting into romantic relationships because
of a lot of adoptees have trouble attaching with
attachment issues. Did you see that playing out at
all in relation to romantic relationships?
It's interesting. I saw challenges with romantic
relationships, but definitely not attachment issues.
Almost the opposite. I would probably, I'd say
attached a little bit too much. There's a funny story about one
that I wrote about in my blog. When I was younger that I was
reflecting back and realizing once you come out of the fog you
realize all of these things that have happened have somehow
connecting back to your adoption trauma.
And this is one that I've told on Fireside before and I think
it's all about my abandonment issues.
I literally chased this poor boy who was supposed to be my
boyfriend in 3rd grade around the playground, asking him
because I heard a rumor that he liked Monica.
And I chased him around and said me or Monica, Me or Monica.
Like I was a very shy child. But as soon as I thought my
relationship in the third grade was at risk, I was like, I need
a decision. So I was very territorial.
And I was actually that way with my father too.
He told me he tried to date and that I would insert myself
between him and his. So you know that security was
really, really important to me and I actually ended up, I'd say
the opposite of having attachment issues.
I attached a little too much and probably had some control issues
too because I didn't want to lose anyone ever again.
Yeah, right. So how was it growing up with
your dad? Good.
It was a good experience. You know, my father is an
amazing person and I know it's we talk a lot in adoptee circles
about, you know, being grateful and how terrible that is.
I think it's terrible when someone projects that on to us
if they say. You know, you should be
grateful. No one should ever project how
someone should feel for their lived experience.
But I will say that I am grateful for my father.
He's an amazing man. He has a great story.
He was a American hero in Vietnam and Purple Heart
veteran. I have all his medals and he
loved me unconditionally. He still does.
He's been my rock. He is my first teacher, my first
love. He taught me to believe in
myself before I did, way before I did.
And I he was amazing. So I was fortunate in that way.
But I still had that deep down pain that his love wasn't
enough. No, no.
That's one of my key messages. No adoptive parents.
Love is enough to heal those wounds.
Yeah, and I learned that. First hand, because I was loved
and I had a great experience with him.
But I still felt that pain. I still felt like an alien.
I still felt like I didn't belong.
And so I know I'm proof that I love isn't enough to heal that
wound. Yeah, It doesn't matter how much
they try, how much that adoptive parent tries.
There's nothing they can do. And it's not anything that they
necessarily did wrong or right or anything like that.
It's just there and it's going to be there, you know?
Exactly, exactly. And it's important for adoptive
parents to know that, Yeah, because I I want them to try.
I want them to to love their their children unconditionally
and be that support that they need and, you know, be their
self-confidence when they don't have any.
But at the same time, they can't think that that's going to be
enough. And they have to create that
space to really let the adoptee explore their feelings and ask
questions and have those uncomfortable conversations.
Yeah, I think there is a ton of education needed for the
adoptive parents because they have no clue what they're really
getting into or how to really help that child adjust exactly.
Not a puppy. You know exactly.
I don't understand why. And you know some kind of
mandatory training or classes are required.
I think you know, when I think about advocacy work, that's what
I want to see. It's so important and that would
make such a difference. Right.
So did you have any siblings growing up?
I did not. I was a spoiled only child.
And by spoiled I don't mean with material goods.
I actually joined Toastmasters early in my career because I was
like I said, I was very shy child didn't feel like I
belonged anywhere. So I was quiet and kind of
observed everything and and kept my mouth shut unless I was in a
comfortable space. But I joined Toastmasters
because my career depended on it and I knew I had to do
presentation. That is terrifying.
Oh my gosh, it. Was master.
Terrifying. But I threw myself into it
because I knew that it would make me better.
Yeah. And it was a safe space to mess
up and to have people count your arms and, you know, give you
that feedback that you don't get otherwise.
So I did it, and I'm glad I did it.
Yeah. And I kind of have a history of
throwing myself in the deep end to learn and grow.
But growth is a personal value of mine.
So that's important. But when I joined Toastmasters,
I had to give an icebreaker speech about myself.
And this is way before I, you know, was really out of the fog.
And I said that I was an only child.
And I I was a spoiled only child.
And I said, but I wasn't spoiled by material things.
I was spoiled by love. And my adopted family was more
like a fan club than a family, because they were very, you
know, my, my dad and his sister and my aunts and uncles and
cousins were all. Super supportive of me.
So that definitely made a difference.
But like we said, it doesn't change.
And that's the part of my story I wasn't telling.
I was only telling the happy part in the beginning.
And now I'm at that point where I'm very in touch with who I am,
my truth, my pain, my journey, my transformation.
And I want to share that story to help other people, you know,
get to that next step, wherever they are.
So what did happen? You said in college you kind of
started finding, you know, yourself and exploring.
And is that the point where you kind of were starting to think
about your biological family or? In college, I would say I was
kind of independent for the first time.
I went away to school, but not far right.
So I I'm from Cleveland, OH, and I went to.
I stayed in state for college, but I went away and stayed at
the dorm. And, you know, I was kind of a
homebody and I liked my safety net and my dad and my aunt, his
his sister, who was a big influence in my life, both said,
you know what, you need to grow up and be independent.
So you're going to stay? At the dorm and you can come
home on weekends And I was like, what?
You're like Velcro or killing Velcro.
Yes. And I was like, wait, this is my
safety net. It's scary out there, but I'm
glad they did that because I learned so much.
And I I learned I grew, I failed.
And I actually, it's interesting because my career is in
marketing and communications, but I was undecided for a very
long time my first year. And I found a mentor.
And again, reflecting back, thinking about my adoption and
how that's affected almost everything.
And I was looking for strong female mentors and people to
guide me in life because I didn't have that.
I didn't have anyone to call mother, and I was always missing
that. So this professor, Dr. Plude, I
was so impressed by her. She had a Harvard pH.
D. And she was my mass
communication professor, You know, I was taking like basic
courses, exploring things. And I went to her one day and I
said, Dr. Plude, I don't know what I want to do.
You know, I need a major and I'm undecided and I want a career,
and I don't know what I want to do.
And she helped me so much. She said, you know what?
Let's not think about the decision because that's
obviously weighing heavy on you. I need a direction.
Let's think about what you like
to do, she said. Take the course catalog, look at
kind of the the options. Come back to me, tell me what
you're attracted to, what you're interested in, and then we'll
talk about it. And it worked out great.
I went back to her, I showed her the classes I was interested in
and she said, you know what? We just finalized a new major
called Applied Communication today.
They call it public relations. And she said everything that you
picked aligns with that major. So I think that's your, that's
your North Star, that's what you're meant to do.
And it is. And I love my career.
So that moment was very empowering for me for the first
time, kind of know what I want to do with my life.
But it took, I'd say, even longer than that to really
realize my identity, because at that point I was like, OK, I'm a
communications person, you know? So I would define myself based
on the things that I did. And not who I was.
And that took a lot more exploration and self discovery.
And I took myself on that journey because I felt like I
needed to know and it was a gap. So when did that journey start
do you think is was there something that triggered it?
That's a good question. I'm not sure.
I just know that I would be in conversations as an adult with
people and people would be talking about, oh, I like this
and this is my preference and all these people had these
preferences and experiences and. Seemed very grounded in in who
they were and when I would reflect, I've always been very
reflective. I'd reflect on the same
questions when I was alone. I realized I didn't have
answers. So I said, well, this isn't
right. And I knew that the reason I
didn't have answers is because I didn't know where I came from.
I still, I think, was in the fog at that point, but I knew that
something was missing. And then I sat down and I said,
OK, what are your favorite things?
What do you like? What makes you happy?
And a lot of that work actually was triggered by a major life
event, and that was my divorce. When I found myself kind of
rebuilding myself, I was trying to think about, well, what what
would make me happy and what do I need in life?
And I didn't really know. So the work of recovering from
divorce actually helps with my adopted journey as well.
Yeah, and the similar story. So what helped you?
What helped me back then was myself work and myself
reflection and I purposely created space to self reflect
and I ended up doing that through writing.
And it's interesting because I launched my blog in 2019.
But I had been kind of reflecting on these questions
and writing for myself to process.
Who am I and what do I care about and what are my values and
what matters to me? Really big questions for a long
time before then. And I've always loved the
creative process of of writing and it's interesting because.
It helps me not only get clarity, but also process my
feelings about being adopted. And I will tell you, my husband
jokes about it because he calls it dark poetry, but in the
darkest moments when I was really wondering about my mother
and where she was and who she was and if she was still alive.
I would just write. I would write about her.
I would write about my feelings. I would get emotional, but I
would get it out and I would get it on paper.
And it was really empowering. And that's why I started writing
my story more publicly, because I realized it was healing for
me. And then eventually I realized
that it was helping others too, who had similar feelings.
Yeah. So you were when you're going
through this process? Did you realize you were coming
out of the fog at that time? I mean, did you even know what
the term the fog at that time were you in the adoptee
community? You know what's interesting is I
first. Entered the adoptee community
literally in in person, not online, early in my career
because I was a volunteer for a local organization called
Adoption Network Cleveland that supports everyone touched by
adoption, and I was doing that as part of my career.
I wanted to give back to my community, I wanted to get
experience, and I wanted to make an impact, a positive impact.
That's just who I am. So I.
Again, with self reflecting, well, how can I give back to my
community? I'm like, well I'm adopted, I
can help this organization. So I was definitely still very
much in the fog at that time. But then, through the process of
engaging with other people who were touched by adoption, both
adoptees adopted parents and birth parents, I definitely
started to come out of the fog through all of that interaction,
and I started out on the Special Events committee.
As a volunteer and I was so passionate about the
organization and loved the work and the people that I didn't
realize that I was starting a healing process by being around
others for the first time who had feelings like mine.
That's why I was so connected to the work.
I was asked by the executive director, I was asked to join
the board and that led me even deeper into.
This realization of, wow, we are here to help people like me, and
I didn't realize I had a problem, You know, kind of
ironic. But I'm grateful for that
experience because I think I probably would have stayed in
the fog much longer had I not had that experience.
And I would never be where I am today on this journey and
feeling the peace that I have now.
If that didn't happen when it did in my life and and it took a
long time after that even to get to this point, but that was a
definitely a major inflection point on this journey.
Yeah, I think for me, just, you know, I thought, oh, there's
these adoptee groups on Facebook.
I never thought about joining, you know, if that'd be fun, you
know, So I get on there. And I was just like, what is
happening, You know, I was just so shocked.
And it wasn't that. I didn't realize that some of
that was going on. I didn't feel the permission to
feel it until I went on these groups and I was like, wait a
minute, we can say that, You know?
We can. Like we're not supposed to say
that, you know, or whatever. And it just gave me the
permission, even though I knew it was there.
It gave me the permission to be like me too, you know?
I love that. Yeah.
Mission. That's exactly right.
I I can relate to that for sure, yeah.
How did you feel? I knew there were like, I had
feelings of, you know, uneasiness.
But I didn't know until I was immersed in the local adoption
community that those feelings were connected to being adopted.
That was. The epiphany, I was like, whoa.
And I think that pushed me out of the fog.
But I heard other people's coming out of the fog stories,
and I have to say it wasn't a. Bad experience for me.
It wasn't painful. It was more of a relief because
I had these feelings that I recognized.
I just didn't know where they were coming from.
And now I had the answers. I knew where they were coming
from. And I knew that I had trauma and
abandonment issues and loss. And I was like, well, no wonder,
you know, And I suddenly felt OK and better about who I am in
myself. And I didn't feel shame anymore.
And I think that is a, you know, a major stigma of being adopted.
That shame Some people don't, even as adults tell other
people. And I've been around.
I'm very loud and proud, obviously, but I wish everyone
could experience that. And that's another reason I tell
my story, is because I love our adoptee community and the
support that we have. But I want to reach the people
who are in the fog to help them realize, you know what, It's OK.
It's OK to feel that way. It's normal.
And guess what? You're not alone.
Right, exactly. So how did you feel?
Maybe you felt it in that group in Cleveland from the beginning,
but for me, like I said, coming on social media, it was like
hitting a wall. I had no idea the trauma that
was out there. How did you feel?
Yeah. Absolutely.
That was very eye opening. Very eye opening for me,
especially because I was thinking about my experience
growing up with a very supportive adoptive father.
And then I was hearing all these stories about very terrible,
terrible situations with abuse and neglect and the adoptive
parents and the narcissism and oh, it just broke my heart.
And it still does. And that's why, you know,
communities like Fireside are so important because I want to be
there for. Everyone who's still hurting and
we all have some pain, but Oh my gosh, so many people, so many
adoptees are suffering and it breaks my heart and they need
support and that's so important to me.
I wish every adoptee had a support network and knew that
they were not alone. My podcast was totally something
different when I started and then I may be two months in.
After joining these groups, I was like have to pivot my entire
podcast. Now I have to do this.
It was just, it was meant to be. It really was meant to be.
But it did. It impacted me that much to
where I just absolutely I'm turning, I'm doing, I'm going
doing something different. Well, thank you for doing that,
because it's so important for adoptees to have a place, to
have a voice. So many feel unheard and unseen,
and you're helping in a way that's going to make a
difference in many lives. So thank you.
Yeah, now's the time. You know, we're rising up.
I mean, everybody, the whole constellation is getting
involved in the movement, which is so great.
I mean, even adoptive parents and even hearing the birth
mothers stories, I've had a few birth mothers on the show and it
just gives me so much compassion.
I can't imagine walking away from your baby not knowing who
is going to raise them, thinking you're giving them a better
life. That's what they're told, you
know, And just walking away, I can't imagine, I can't imagine
that the trauma that that would cause.
I know, and I have to say, hearing the stories of birth
mothers and the community and seeing my original birth
certificate and realizing, you know, my mother was young and
not from the state and had me as a teenager in this state but was
from another state, I quickly connected the dots before.
Where I searched and and had it just gave me so much empathy for
her, My anger and my frustration and all the dark poetry I wrote.
Just suddenly all of that heaviness just lifted and I was
like, wow, I knew something had to be wrong.
I knew that she, you know. Was going through it and gosh,
I'm so glad that I have that information and that I've heard
birth mother stories because now I have so much empathy for birth
mothers. It's really sad.
And society, just like adoptees, does not view them well either.
And it's really sad because, yeah, they have their narrative
that they have to live by two. Yeah, they.
Did the best for your child. You did the right thing, blah
blah blah. You know, right.
All that narrative too. They have the same thing.
They have to carry that loss and pain the rest of their lives.
Yeah, there's always a story behind the adoption, you know,
bleeding up to there's got to be a story.
So I don't know if you want to share any of what you found out,
whatever you're comfortable with sharing, but I kind of want to
hear what happened. Oh, sure, yeah.
So oh gosh, it was a few years ago.
I woke up on a milestone birthday and suddenly had a
panic. I was reflecting on my life, as
I usually do on my birthdays. And I sat up in bed and I said,
Oh my gosh, I think it's like about my own mortality.
But it hit me really hard and suddenly.
And I said if I don't look now, I might never have this
opportunity and I could die with the regret that I never
searched. And in that moment I said I have
to do this. It was.
It was wild and it was so overwhelming and it almost felt
like it wasn't just me thinking this.
It felt like it was inspired and this was a calling.
I needed to do this for myself. And one thing I learned through
the search process is that I assumed, incorrectly, that, oh,
when I decide to search when I'm ready, the information will be
there. And I learned that's not the
case. So it took multiple searches,
Three searches in fact, to finally find the information I
was seeking. And I still have a lot of
questions and some puzzle pieces that are missing.
The first search uncovered some information about my birth
father and I found out he was local and I found out he was
African American and I found out that he lived here in Cleveland,
but not much more information. And then I continued to search
for my mother, because she was nowhere to be found and all of
the documentation that was uncomfort in my search was more
so about my my father. And there wasn't a lot.
So I actually proceeded through my relationships with Fireside.
I met a search Angel through Fireside who helps me connect
with DNA Angels, and I went to DNA Angels and I said I've done
the search process. I still can't find my mother.
I don't know if she's alive or dead.
This is information I was able to find.
I know she's from South Carolina and I know, you know she was
this age and this is her name and that's all I have and and a
little bit about some other relatives.
So I also did DNA and I that was another let down.
I thought when you do DNA, oh the answers are just there and
if you have close family members, they'll want to talk to
you. And it's not true either.
And then so I found a first cousin of my mother's and I was
thrilled. And I saw this is it, this is
this is this is what I needed and no response.
So then I found him on Facebook and no response.
And then eventually I kept trying.
He responded very cryptic answers, so so cryptic that I
couldn't even tell if she was alive or not.
And at this point? What a roller coaster.
I just could not believe. I cannot find this woman.
I'm like, there's documentation. There's, you know, all these
records that should be out there.
If she's dead, there has to be a death certificate.
What? What's going on?
Why is she so elusive? And why is this family member
acting this way? So then DNA Angels did the first
search and applied through the process.
I highly recommend to any adoptees who were searching and
especially like mine, have a tough case to crack.
Go to DNA Angels. Yeah, well, I did that and they
said they exhausted all their options.
They found more information. I gave them all the information
from the first search. They still couldn't find her.
So they closed my case. I was depressed.
I couldn't believe that. I finally decided to be brave
and to do this and to spend all this time and effort and energy
and emotional roller coaster and still no clarity.
And then Kelly Grace from DNA Angels actually engaged with me
to interview me about my unsolved case, to write a blog
for DNA Angels. And she felt so bad for me.
She said. You know what?
We're gonna find your mother. She said her first name.
We're gonna find her. And I said what?
She said no, I'm serious. We're gonna find her.
And then a few days later, she sent me a Facebook Messenger
message and said I have a surprise for you.
And she reopened my case with six of her best angels.
Wow. And I could not believe it.
I was so touched and so, so happy that I had another shot
after I thought. It was time to give up.
I never wanted to give up, but I think God opened the door
through Kelly. Literally my Angel.
And it worked. It took a while, but this new
search worked and they found her information.
And I will never forget it was November of last year.
I was working and all of the communication is done through
Facebook Messenger with DNA Angels.
So you have a record of it and all the documents are there and
it's, you know, quick communication.
So I was, you know, always looking, always looking.
And I remember I was in a meeting at work about our new
website and I got the the message.
And I was trying not to look distracted, but it said, you
know, we found her and I just lost it.
I didn't have any information, but I just was in such disbelief
and so happy and so scared that I just my body got 10 degrees
hotter and pass out. I had, I almost did.
I had to excuse myself from the meeting.
I couldn't even say anything. I just literally left the
meeting and walked away because. I didn't know what to do.
I looked at the messages and said, I'm sorry, Nicole, she's
deceased. Oh.
And again I was shocked. Again I was in disbelief.
And again, the emotional roller coaster search having hope.
Again after so many missed attempts, failed attempts and
then finally that hope being taken away yet again.
But I now looking back I learned that moment.
Change things for me because while she's deceased and I was
really, you know, down about that for a long time, that was
the worst Thanksgiving I think I ever had because it was November
and I just wasn't into it and I was really sad.
One I will say the adoptee community was amazing.
I wrote my heart out and I shared what happened and so many
just outpouring of love and support from all my fellow
adoptees on Instagram and Facebook was amazing.
So that helped uplift me. And then also in addition to
finding her and finding that she was deceased, I could not
believe it. She died in 2019.
That is the year that I started my blog.
And maybe that's why I was so compelled to search the I mean,
just connecting the dots, you know, it's really miraculous.
And I learned that there was some family still in South
Carolina, some cousins and and other people that DNA Angels did
put me in touch with. So.
I was able to connect with them and hear about her as a young
person and some stories about her growing up from other
people, and at the time it meant a lot to me.
I was too sad to really realize how valuable that was.
But now when I look back, I am so grateful to have learned
about her and finally heard her story through other people's
memories. And that's what I have.
And you know what? That means Everything.
I wish I wasn't too late and that we could have met.
But at least I know her story and I know that she, you know, I
wasn't a secret and that, you know, she was running away from
a really, you know, challenging situation.
So she did what she had to do at the time.
Because, yeah, he wasn't. Able to to take care of me and
barely able to take care of herself.
So I have so much empathy for her and I'm so grateful that I
heard about her and received pictures, which is something
that I never had. So I love my pictures and I will
just have to hold on to her memory.
Yeah. Any resemblances?
Yes, yes, she's like the. Blonde me, Yeah.
We have like a very similar face shape, like the very like kind
of angular square face. She definitely has the same face
shape. And then actually an adoptive
friend of mine. And I posted about it, made a
sidebyside picture. I posted her pictures and she
made a sidebyside picture of her and me next to each other.
Oh, I was really touching. Yeah, I love that.
Yeah. Do you have any siblings on
either side? Do you know?
OK. So the last time I did a podcast
interview, I had just found out that same day that I had a I
just. Was in contact for the first
time that I had a biological half brother that she had later.
He's younger than me and he's living in California.
I had one great conversation with him and.
I lost. I actually was planning on
trying to go see him when I went to California for a recent trade
show conference for my work and I don't know what happened.
He disappeared. So I don't hold it against him.
I'm just disappointed and I think he has his own struggles
and I have to accept that. But again, just like my mother,
I don't have her in my life, but I have other people's memories
of her. I don't have my brother either,
but I know he exists. And I had one great two hour
conversation with him that helped me achieve even more
peace. Because what he told me was so
amazing I had no idea what to expect.
And he said, you know what? She called you Nikki.
Which is interesting because my whole life when people would
call me Nick, I mean, no, I'm Nicole.
But yeah, she referred to me as Nikki.
I was not a secret. And she told him about me.
And she said that she wanted to find me.
And she told him this in the hospital when she was declining.
So on her deathbed. She was thinking about me and
that answered that question that I wondered my whole life is she
thinking about me? And was I a secret?
And those are the answers that I wanted.
And that, again, was a gift, because if I had not searched, I
would not know. Right.
And did you ever meet your biological father's side?
I did not. I do have a second cousin who I
text, 2 second cousins who I text with, but they're not close
enough to know him. So my next step in the search
journey, which I had to take a break from because that was a
lot, yeah, but my. Next step is to figure out I
would like to find someone who knew him.
Like I found these people who knew my mother and could.
You know, I think he died very young, so I might not be able to
find that, but that's my next goal is to find someone who knew
him or to find more about his story, because that's still
very, very cloudy to me, Which is interesting because I found
his information first, but and my mother was the elusive one.
But I still don't have, you know, close family or anyone who
who knows him. I did find a third cousin who is
amazing from my father's side, doesn't know my father, but
welcomed me with open arms and is just so sweet.
So it it's been an interesting experience and I've met some
amazing people who want to help and have an open heart and have
empathy and I am thankful for that.
Yeah, so did you find out if the story that you were told was
true, that your mom left you with the babysitter?
Is that? I think it was true, yeah,
because my dad told me that she kind of left me with different
babysitters, including him. Until she didn't come back one
time. And if I look at my adoption
records, I was adopted at the age of three.
That means she kept me for three years, yeah.
I was not given away at birth, right?
She tried. And that breaks my heart even
more, because she tried, right? And she, you know, she had to
make a choice. But she tried.
And that means everything to me. Yeah.
So you have a son and I. Do looking back on like how you
raised him, do you see adoption playing a role in like your
style of parenting? Absolutely, absolutely.
So I would say that becoming a mother after growing up without
one was one of the most amazing and.
Fulfilling experiences that I ever had and one of the first
times I felt whole, ever. You know, growing up with no one
looking like me and never seeing my own reflection, Having no
genetic mirror, finally having a genetic mirror that I made
myself was miraculous. I mean.
And I will never forget when I had my son.
The doctor said, oh, he looks like mom before I even saw him.
And I remember being like, Oh my gosh, summer looks like.
What? Amazing.
I can't believe it. And then I just fell in love
when I first held him and we found it instantly.
And we are still very, very close.
And I love him so much and he's more than a son.
He's the the love that made me whole.
So were you kind of overprotective then with him
growing up? 100% I hate to admit it, but
it's true that Velcro is still there.
Exactly. It's my extreme intense
attachments, Yes, and. And actually, I know we're
joking about it, but that was another rough time in my adoptee
journey when he decided to go to the Navy after high school and
entered boot camp. I had separation anxiety.
I was not ready. I was used to him being around
and not being able to communicate on the phone or text
or anything. Except for letters.
Handwritten letters. It killed me.
I was crushed. I was so depressed.
Probably the most depressed I've ever been in my life.
And I wasn't sure if I was going to make it out of that.
And I did. But.
That was a very dark time. A lot of dark poetry happened
during during that time, and that was my coping mechanism and
I would check. I would come home from work and
check my mailbox every day looking for a letter and it only
happened a few times, but I still have those letters because
they meant everything to me. And then I would wait for my
phone to light up. And I knew, you know, the city
where he was looking for that city on my phone because
obviously it wasn't a cell phone, It was a landline.
And I'm like waiting. And it only happened a few
times, but each of those calls was was amazing.
And when I went to his graduation from boot camp, Oh my
gosh, that was quite the reunion.
And it was, it was amazing. So yeah, that was very, very
challenging. It definitely triggered my
abandonment issues and I am fortunate for my my husband who
stood by me and told me it would be OK and tried to distract me
and. You know, took me to my favorite
places to try to and I mean really nothing worked.
But he tried and it was it was important.
I, you know, I felt like I lost everything with him being gone.
And it was really weird because it was kind of scary that I
could feel like that because it wasn't just missing someone
knowing he was coming back. I felt like my brain interpreted
it as. A permanent loss.
I was grieving him as if he had died.
And it was so weird and I was so scared that I couldn't snap out
of it. And fortunately I did.
But wow, that was a scary, scary time.
Because I was so attached and that genetic mirror was.
I didn't realize. I realized when I had him, but I
didn't realize, you know, after. He was in high school that he
was still playing that role in my life as my genetic mirror,
and that having him in my life on a regular basis was part of
my healing. And seeing him and interacting
with him made me feel more whole.
And when I lost that, even though it was temporary and I
knew it was temporary, it's like my mind didn't, you know, wasn't
confusing that. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Yeah, that's tough.
The grief I can. I can totally see that though,
because that separation, because you guys were so close, you know
the whole time growing up and everything, all through high
school and then even in the Navy like now he's got to go on
deployments and stuff, right? Well, he.
Is done with his his contract, so he is back home and I'm happy
to have him back home. Here in Cleveland.
So yeah, now he's building his life.
So I'm I'm thrilled. It's amazing.
I didn't know that that would happen.
I thought for sure that he would just be off another.
Other states, other countries, who knows?
You know, he's very adventurous, right?
And I can't help but wonder if he had to get away because I was
so attached. I hope that's not the case.
But it could. It could be, you know.
Yeah, yeah. Break the break you needed.
Yeah, no, it's good because he needed to find his own way and
be independent. And I'm glad that I.
Did not stand his way and right. I knew it would break my heart,
but I had to support his choice and I had to show him support
and it was a tough decision because I had to sign for him at
17 and I thought I was signing his life away and that was that
was really hard. But he was very strong willed.
He knew what he wanted to do. He had researched it.
And I had to support him. So I I did what was right for
him and I tried to, you know, not think about the impact on
me. And then then I felt it after he
left. Well, I think having that child
mother bond, you don't think that that's going to break apart
as a baby. And then it does.
And so with your son, I can totally see that because, yeah,
he's leaving and he's coming back.
But it's not promised. It's not promised.
You don't know. You know.
You just don't know. And that's always in the back of
your mind, I think. Right.
So talking about the Primal Wound and the fog, and you know,
coming out of the fog, what helped you when you were coming
out? Deal with that.
I know your blog and writing. And, you know, was there
anything else? Yeah, I mean adoptees, other
adoptees, and knowing that. Other people felt the same way,
and that I wasn't alone and having that support even early
on in my blog days. In 2019, before I started the
social media channels, I had the blog and it was so funny because
I would write and then I would obsessively like look to see if
anyone saw it, And then this one person, this other adoptee.
Found it every single time I wrote something, she commented.
And you know how they say if you could touch one person, it's
worth it? That was my one person and
that's why I kept going. So I'm so thankful that I
connected in that way. And eventually more people found
it. But that like kept me going
because that I was very much self doubting.
You know? Is this gonna matter?
Does anyone care? Can I really touch someone?
It was really more of a thesis that I had that well, if I so
share my story in a personal way, maybe I can connect with
others and. I didn't know because I wasn't.
You know, it was my first foray into the online community and
I'm so faithful and you know now that I think about, you know,
Kovat and not being in person for a long time, it didn't
matter because we still had each other online and our Dottie
community was still engaging with each other and it was
awesome. And then in 21 I joined
Fireside. And the leadership team and that
is just an amplifier for those adoptee to adoptee connections.
And I was so thrilled when Amanda Baum reached out to me
and asked me to be on the leadership team.
And we're still going strong and now we have over 800 members and
we have great participation in our chats.
And I just love our fireside community as a kind of a
community within the overall adoptee community online.
It's great. I love being a part of it and I
love seeing it grow and so touched by everything I hear on
the chats and just having the honor of, you know, listening
and and people opening up and and trusting us and and sharing
so deeply. It's so important and I can see
the impact and I love being a part of it.
So lastly, what would you like struggling adoptees to know?
Well. I think there's three things I
kind of think about my experience and what I've learned
and things that I needed to hear.
The first thing is that you are not alone.
It might feel like that at times.
And even if you have a supportive family, your family,
only another adoptee can really understand and relate to how
you're feeling. And we all have diverse
experiences, but that's so important so.
I would say please seek out and prioritize connections with
other adoptees because it really helps.
It is one of the most powerful sources of healing that I've
experienced in my very long journey.
Two, you don't have to be a victim of circumstances that
beyond your control. Um, that's one of my biggest
takeaways is that sometimes we act as if we no longer have a
choice because our choice was taken away as a child or as a
baby. But you know what?
We're adults now and we have a choice and we can live the life
that we deserve. And it's so important to not
only realize that, but to act on it.
And it takes a long time to get there.
And but when you do, it's really liberating and really
empowering. And that's what drives me.
Every day is I am living the life that I want for myself
because I'm in control now. And three, gosh, I think that
you know, just being compassionate with yourself and
giving yourself grace and accepting your feelings and it's
okay to feel sad and even if you think you made a lot of
progress. This journey is not linear.
I mean, mine has been like this, so lots of it's a roller
coaster, Lots of ups and downs. But don't give up.
Believe in yourself. Be your own best advocate.
Love yourself. Truly love yourself.
It's hard to get there. But.
I want that for every adoptee, that self, self love, because
don't look for it in other places.
I know it's cliche to say, but it's very true.
And my life, it was the unlock when I started to believe in
myself and realized that I was in control.
That's when my career took off. That's when I found my my new
husband. And I am the happiest I've ever
been. And I'm glad I searched and I
have my battle scars, But I am just really proud of myself, and
I want every adoptee to take the steps that they're afraid to
take, because there's so much growth that can happen, and I
want every adoptee to feel that growth and to feel empowered
that they can live the life that they want.
Yeah, so true. So you have a blog along with
being affiliated with some adoptee groups.
So you want to tell us where we can find those things?
Sure. My blog and my Instagram and my
Facebook is all the adoptee in me.
So the adoptee in INME and orange is my brand color.
So when you see the orange hearts, that's me and.
Also, fireside adaptees. We have a Facebook group that's
private, so you have to answer a few questions.
We want to know that you're an adoptee, but there's also a
public group or a public page for everyone in the
constellation, because that's important too.
We want to engage with all of our Constellation members.
Well, thank you so much for coming on the show.
Nicole, I know you had a lot of ups and downs like you were
saying, but I always say that every story, there's somebody
out there waiting to hear your story because your story is
going to affect them and make them not feel so alone.
So thank you so much for coming on today.
Thank you for having me. I believe that too, Melissa.
I really appreciate the time. I loved our conversation.
There is so much I want to say about this interview.
I want you to know I don't pick and choose who comes on this
podcast. I don't pick the stories that
are going to be a tearjerker or make your jaw drop.
The people that come on this podcast are random people that I
have run into on social media or have been sent to me from other
people that I know. They're people that have become
part of the Karma crew and just volunteer to come tell their
story. And when Nicole was talking
about when she got the message saying that they found her birth
mother, after searching and searching and searching and
having search angels give up on the search, someone finally was
able to find her. And the excitement Nicole was
feeling in that moment until she found out that her mother had
passed away just a few years before.
That is just heartbreaking. And that is the story of so many
adoptees. Our histories, where we came
from originally, is kept from us, is hidden from us, is taken
from us, and we have to claw and fight and hire people and spend
countless hours trying to find our origin.
And to do that and find out that you were too late is
unimaginable. But Nicole handles it with such
compassion and grace. It's truly amazing.
I'm not sure I could do the same if I was in her shoes.
Thank you so much, Nicole, for coming on the show today.
And thank you for spending a lot of your time helping advocate
for US adoptees. And thank you all for listening,
as always. Take what you need and leave
what you don't. And always remember to mind your
own karma. I'll see you next time.