1 00:00:20,390 --> 00:00:23,310 Hello everybody. Today I am here to discuss 2 00:00:23,310 --> 00:00:28,310 sexual safety and aftercare, which is a topic that has been 3 00:00:28,310 --> 00:00:30,910 highly requested in my Instagram messages. 4 00:00:30,910 --> 00:00:34,070 I thought, well, I've written an article about it and I've talked 5 00:00:34,070 --> 00:00:38,230 about it and I've discussed it on Dialogues with Jacaro, but I 6 00:00:38,390 --> 00:00:42,150 decided why not just talk about it on the podcast as well 7 00:00:42,470 --> 00:00:46,160 because I definitely have updated information growth and 8 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:49,760 feelings that, you know, have changed over the years. 9 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,880 I would like to talk about some of the things that I do to make 10 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,440 sure that I feel safe and comfortable during and after 11 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,880 sex. Well, as well as before sex 12 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:02,440 because it's important that my safety is honored. 13 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:06,480 It's important that I feel very, very secure and I'm just 14 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,840 accepting and consenting to the whole situation because that's 15 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:15,600 what gives me maximal maximum appreciation and orgasms and 16 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,840 satisfaction when it comes to sex. 17 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:19,800 And I don't know if this is something that you've thought 18 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:23,080 about for yourself or you just cruise through it, but I'll 19 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:27,840 discuss it today so that it's something that you take home and 20 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,680 think about more intentionally just so you can elevate your 21 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:35,200 sexual experience. So a lot of times when it comes 22 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:39,760 to sex, I as a woman, I don't know if it's as a human or a, as 23 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:44,320 a, a woman, but I tend to lead with feelings. 24 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:49,320 And this meant or this required that I started to cultivate my 25 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:53,560 emotional intelligence just so that I can understand, manage 26 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,760 and communicate my emotions much better. 27 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,480 So the thing with being very intentional with my emotional 28 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,000 intelligence and you know, my regulation of my emotions is 29 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,640 that it pushed me into a space where I was required to practice 30 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,680 regularly. And this auto LED into me 31 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:15,120 trusting my intuition a bit more, trusting the decisions 32 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:18,080 that I make for myself because I'm intentional now. 33 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,960 I'm not just cruising through life or guessing stuff. 34 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,920 I mean, I'm figuring out a lot of things as I go, but for most 35 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,920 part, I'm a little more deliberate about everything that 36 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,360 I do, especially sexually in my life. 37 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:35,120 This helped me be able to tell the difference between anxiety 38 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,840 and intuition as well, because there's a lot of anxiety around 39 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,240 sex, especially in that African community where we do not have 40 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,840 these conversations much more openly. 41 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,480 And it's, it's fearful, sometimes shameful and scary. 42 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,880 But that's why this platform is here so that we can have this 43 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,600 discussions without any or much fear. 44 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,440 So this led me to become much calmer and much more confident 45 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,480 about sex and about the things that I want. 46 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,920 Because as long as I know I am safe and comfortable, then 47 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,440 everything is OK. This also helps me understand 48 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:13,320 consent a lot more because I have to confront, you know, what 49 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:17,320 I understand consent to be as well as, you know, I expect to 50 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,960 relate with my sexual partner. And this discussion is not easy 51 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,800 because we may realize I was having a discussion with a few 52 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,520 of my friends about consent the other day. 53 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:29,680 And the boys were talking about how the idea of consent has all 54 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,560 has been skewed for a very long time, ever since they were 55 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,840 young, because they didn't really have present male figures 56 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,240 who taught them what was wrong and or right. 57 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:41,880 And women were really objectified growing up, like 20 58 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,120 years ago, 15 years ago, even now. 59 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,760 It's just that now we're able to have this discussion a bit more 60 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,680 openly. But the idea of consent was 61 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,320 very, very skewed. There was a lot of coercion 62 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,680 still being applied. There was a lot of being taught 63 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:58,440 that being a macho man means taking sex from women. 64 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,560 It's like women are not supposed to be open and confident about 65 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,360 sex. These discussions help us become 66 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,440 much more educated, even for ourselves, and being able to 67 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,800 define for myself what consent means, it helped me a lot 68 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,240 because now I know what I can accept and what I can't accept. 69 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:18,040 We were also discussing reactions when you're being 70 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,240 sexually assaulted. If you do not practice all the 71 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,240 things that I'm going to talk about today, your reaction even 72 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,560 towards abuse can be delayed. Because if you don't know what 73 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,080 is consent, how will you know if someone is violating you? 74 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,880 If you don't know what it is that you accept or don't accept, 75 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,320 how will you know when someone is violating you or when you're 76 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,920 violating someone? And if you can't even have these 77 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,720 discussions openly, how are you going to improve and do better 78 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,920 and be a better person? That's why it's so essential to 79 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:49,760 have these discussions because I I always say it doesn't matter 80 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:53,880 how learned, confident, intelligent, exposed, well 81 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:57,760 spoken, outspoken, doesn't matter how and who you are or 82 00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:01,600 older or much more experienced. It doesn't matter if you're not 83 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:05,720 putting in the work to become a better person internally. 84 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,880 Not just from all the accolades that you get externally, 85 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,360 internally, it can really affect even your nervous system. 86 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:16,360 It affects you as a person. It blows out the things that you 87 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,880 know you love and like. You're not going to be able to 88 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:23,400 live as yourself authentically, especially 100%. 89 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,840 It's very, very important that you do the inner work to make 90 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,480 sure that you can even communicate these needs. 91 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:34,320 And that's why my need for having emotional security and 92 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,200 intelligence came about. It's from me wanting to learn 93 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:40,440 more about myself emotionally that trickle down all the way 94 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,240 into me ensuring I feel safe sexually consistently. 95 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:48,200 A number of times I've been about to have sex with someone 96 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,240 and I've had to maybe force them to use a condom or they've tried 97 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:56,760 to take the condom off during sex or I wasn't even sure that I 98 00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,640 wanted to have sex, but they cost me and they begged me and 99 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,800 they they made all these promises will get tested 100 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,120 tomorrow. Don't worry, I love you. 101 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:10,040 I'll marry you all these things and in the heat of the moment 102 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,840 when especially if you're someone who's been traumatized 103 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,440 by it could be something different, but it could show up 104 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,320 in your sexual life. So you're not able to say no, 105 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,000 you don't know how to say no or you're not able to stand up for 106 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:25,440 yourself confident and probably most times is it red flags in a 107 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:30,240 quang at a before being in a sexual situation with this 108 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:33,600 person because you'll be able to see how they do not respect your 109 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:37,200 decisions, your autonomy. How do they they do not show up 110 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,240 exactly? Or you know, how do they? 111 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:43,440 They do not try to show up the way you'd love for them to in 112 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,400 your life. We see all these red flags 113 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:49,120 before even we get to the sexual situation, but we love to ignore 114 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,520 them. Being able to stand up for 115 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:54,160 yourself, it's going to show up even when you're in a sexual 116 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,760 situation. And remember I said it doesn't 117 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,840 matter how smart, confident Lanae disposed you are. 118 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,800 When you're in that situation, fight, fight or freeze might 119 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:06,920 show up and you're not really able to detect Alia. 120 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,600 What will happen to you in a situation that shocks you? 121 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,480 You might just freeze. But if you've been working, my 122 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:15,080 friends are telling me I need to take defense classes so that I 123 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,920 can do better with my reactions. Because to be honest, the times 124 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,840 that this has happened to me, I just froze. 125 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:24,080 I froze and I was unable to speak up for myself. 126 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,200 I was unable to advocate for myself. 127 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:30,600 The normal reaction normally in quotes would be to stand up and 128 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,680 defend yourself, advocate for yourself, walk out of the 129 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,640 situation, leave. But I was telling my friends 130 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:40,880 about how because of the abuse I endured when I was growing up, I 131 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,280 think such reactions come a bit slower to me. 132 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,800 I don't know if it's because my body just accepts that I deserve 133 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:52,240 to be abuse, or it's because I, I used to be threatened even 134 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,000 with the death. So it was really, really scary. 135 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,040 You know, I knew fighting for myself meant I could possibly 136 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,960 die, but now that I'm a grown up, it's still showing up. 137 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,280 I still freeze and I'm totally afraid because when I'm in a 138 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,400 situation where I need to defend myself, my reaction has to be a 139 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,040 bit faster and well thought out. You know, when you're watching a 140 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,280 horror movie and you're screaming, I'm able to do that 141 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,480 for other people, but when it comes to me, I just, I have a 142 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,840 blind spot. I'm so unable to see. 143 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,840 Well, I'm walking on it. Please don't come and prey on me 144 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,960 just because I'm exposing myself like this. 145 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,760 But at least I have the awareness and I'm actively 146 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:29,160 walking on it. And I know a lot of people are 147 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,840 like this. Or you could, you could 148 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:34,120 automatically want to fight or you could be able to run away, 149 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,720 which I think is much better than pleasing. 150 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:41,360 And in the situations that I've been unable to say no or maybe I 151 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,840 wasn't even an able to say no, maybe I said no. 152 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,520 But way before I found myself in that situation. 153 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:52,520 Umm, I had a maybe when it came to consent, it was a maybe or it 154 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,840 was a not today, or it was a when I come to your house. 155 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:59,560 I don't want to have sex. But if it happens, it's not an 156 00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,680 affirmative, continuous and strong yes. 157 00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:06,960 It's just me being unsure anytime I ever felt like that. 158 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,920 But I still went ahead and put my myself in that situation. 159 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:13,440 I ended up very heartbroken and very disappointed and I felt so 160 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,960 much shame and almost anger for myself because I didn't 161 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,440 understand that it was my body telling me no. 162 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,440 My body was actively saying no, you shouldn't be in this 163 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,720 situation. This is not how you feel, this 164 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,480 is not what you want. You're not giving full consent. 165 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,840 But I decided to ignore anyway. And every time I've ignored my 166 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,880 intuition and my internal feelings, I've always paid for 167 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:34,600 it. Always. 168 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,480 Your body always knows what you want. 169 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:39,160 I've actually recorded an episode before about this, about 170 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:44,720 your intuition and cultivating this internal compass to show 171 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,120 you where you should be or what you should want. 172 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,240 If you don't put in the actual work of cultivating it, like by 173 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,200 practicing, you end up here where you're consistently 174 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,120 confused and you're not sure and then life is happening to you 175 00:09:56,120 --> 00:10:00,600 instead of you taking charge and making decisions that make you a 176 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:04,840 better person and subsequently help you enjoy better sex. 177 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,120 Your body will always know if you're not comfortable and it 178 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,320 will. It will always react, sometimes 179 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,760 even physically. You know when someone touches 180 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:15,480 you and you feel unsure and then your body immediately activates 181 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:19,360 fight or flight to protect you. But you don't even honor this 182 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,440 natural compass because you don't know how to trust yourself 183 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,560 and you don't really ever make decisions for yourself that 184 00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:29,120 honor yourself internally. Or even things like when someone 185 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,160 ignores you, ignores your communication, you say no, they 186 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,320 don't listen or even way before the sex. 187 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,960 Foreplay is not just. You can check out the episode I 188 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,000 did about foreplay. Foreplay is not just you 189 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,080 flirting or you touching each other. 190 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:46,120 Foreplay goes way before even you guys decide to have sex. 191 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,920 It's the romance, the consistency, the communication, 192 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,840 the way you talk to each other. So there's no way someone can be 193 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,680 ignoring your texts, your messages, your calls, but you 194 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,760 feel safe having sex with them. I mean, there is a way, it 195 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,840 happens all the time. But for me, it just was 196 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,160 something I had to be honest with myself that it doesn't make 197 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:07,000 me feel safe. It made me feel neglected, 198 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,480 ignored. And when it came time to have 199 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:13,000 sex with this person, I always felt like I was betraying myself 200 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,000 because I'd ask myself, this guy doesn't even show up for me, why 201 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:17,880 am I allowing myself to have sex with him? 202 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,320 And anytime I had sex with such a person, like I said, I'd pay 203 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:25,000 for it emotionally, I always got my feelings really, really hard. 204 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:28,880 Consent is very wholesome and your body's behavior will be 205 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:33,480 able to tell you if you want to be here if you start listening 206 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,600 to yourself and listen to the person that you want to have sex 207 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,040 with as well. Listen to their comments around 208 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,800 sex. Listen to their personal 209 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,400 beliefs. Pay attention to the foreplay, 210 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:46,720 to the way they act before they have sex with you, to the way 211 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,800 they act when you're not allowing them to have sex with 212 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,080 you, to the way they act when you make them wait, when you set 213 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,960 boundaries, when you say no. All this is going to inform the 214 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,920 kind of sex experience you're going to have. 215 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,880 And you have to be honest with yourself and agree. 216 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,720 And I mean, OK, yeah, some people have sex just for, you 217 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,920 know, or not, but be honest with yourself about how you feel 218 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,000 about that sex afterwards, especially if you're someone 219 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,760 that is consistently and actively working on yourself and 220 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,240 trying to be a better person for yourself. 221 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,200 Pay attention. How does your heart feel? 222 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,640 How does your head feel? And even if you don't feel 223 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,200 anything and you don't care about it, pay attention to that 224 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,440 as well because why is it that you're unable to show up 225 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,560 emotionally in your day-to-day life? 226 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:31,640 You're not able to attach emotion to things that require 227 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,040 emotion. And you might argue that they 228 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:37,640 don't, but just pay attention and ask yourself these important 229 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,600 questions, whether you're married, single, using toys, 230 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,040 fucking your situation shape, having sex with your work 231 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,680 husband, whatever your situation is, think about it. 232 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,760 Pay attention to how you feel in your head and in your chest. 233 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:54,040 And I think this is the most important part, even before you 234 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,680 take care of yourself emotionally, psychologically. 235 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:59,600 Let's get to the physical. Go and get tested. 236 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,520 A lot of you guys are not getting tested before you have 237 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,240 sex. So you look at someone and you 238 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:07,200 you assume they are fine. Let me tell you, I got into a 239 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,320 relationship with this guy and he was good looking, rich, 240 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:14,280 handsome, smelled good, amazing. Any everything was checking out 241 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:17,320 and he was I was happy even when he asked me to be his 242 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,720 girlfriend. It was really nice. 243 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,520 I was actually enjoying the relationship. 244 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,360 But the first time I had sex with this guy, we did not use a 245 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,120 condom, by the way, I I tried to advocate for myself. 246 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,080 Of course I not, of course, but I ended up getting too scared 247 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,360 because I felt like he wasn't listening to me because he said, 248 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,480 you know, now you're my wife. Why do we need to use condoms 249 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,280 wrong. I should have just listened to 250 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:41,160 myself and kept advocating for myself and we had sex without a 251 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,920 condom and he came in me. I had never let anyone come 252 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,760 inside me ever, ever in so many years. 253 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,080 Yeah. So I was shocked. 254 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,120 I felt, I don't know if I felt violated. 255 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,040 I wasn't sure if I had consented. 256 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,720 I was just so confused because I kept saying he's my boyfriend 257 00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,160 and I brought myself here. So why am I feeling very 258 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:02,000 conflicted about me accepting him to have sex? 259 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,200 But it's because the feelings were not in alignment. 260 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,480 I wasn't sure That's why it wasn't a resounding yes. 261 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:12,640 It was me being very confused and kind of being coerced 262 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,760 because if I really wanted to I feel like it would have gone 263 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,840 differently. Anyway we had sex and he came 264 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,760 inside me and immediately I got a yeast infection immediately. 265 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:25,240 I have I had never got a yeast infection ever before in my life 266 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,480 and the only thing that was different was in my life current 267 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,600 that at that time was him having sex with me and coming inside 268 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:33,080 me. Let me tell you I battled a 269 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,520 yeast infection for like 3 months that refused to go away 270 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,240 and it was so bad. My symptoms weren't bad or 271 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:43,960 anything, I wasn't suffering from it, but just the fact that 272 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:45,600 they did. The relationship didn't last. 273 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,320 We were together for like a month, but I ended up having to 274 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,960 treat something for more than three months that wasn't going 275 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,680 away. And you see, I paid. 276 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,840 I paid. That was the consequences of my 277 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,920 actions. I refused to listen to myself. 278 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:01,560 I refused to listen to my mind, my body, all red signals were 279 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,960 going off. I brainwashed myself into 280 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,680 thinking this is what I wanted and this is what I accepted 281 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,440 while the whole time my mind and my heart were having the 282 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,320 internal monologue to tell me yo something is not right. 283 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,840 Work on this fixes. So don't be like me, be better 284 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,720 than me and pay attention to yourself. 285 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,120 Go and get tested. They're both of you together. 286 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,920 Get screened. Get your tests done and use 287 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,800 condoms. Good pussy management means that 288 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,920 get checked so that you can get healed. 289 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,880 It also means that you have to eat well, you have to love your 290 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,760 body. Pay attention to the things that 291 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,680 make you feel good because this is what will accelerate your 292 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,720 libido. On DWJI did an episode with Kate 293 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,720 when we talked about sex in long term relationships are linked it 294 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,000 in the description so that you can you can see her explanation 295 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:50,280 of what helps you increase your libido emphasis. 296 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,120 Let me go back to getting tested. 297 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,480 It's like I've skimmed through it. 298 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,680 Use condoms and get tested. You can never trust anyone. 299 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,560 You can never trust anyone. Everyone is a liar, everyone 300 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,200 pretends and a lot of people are very predatory. 301 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,840 You have to get tested. You have to stay on your game 302 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,120 consistently. Make sure that you're in check 303 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,440 with your emotional, psychological, physical health 304 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,480 because all of this is sexual safety. 305 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:17,240 Vet the people you have sex with and make sure you want to 306 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,080 because the feelings that you get and the thoughts that you 307 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,200 get afterwards are going to be yours to deal with. 308 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:26,360 Especially if this person is you call them nonchalant or avoidant 309 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,440 or they don't want to talk to you, they don't want to address 310 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,320 anything. Your feelings are going to be 311 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,320 yours to deal with later. Your anxiety, your thoughts, 312 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,760 your overthinking. It is you is going to be alone 313 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,840 in your house overthinking when this person will probably be 314 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,360 fucking the next person because maybe they don't have the 315 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:45,320 capacity to introspect or maybe to them you're just a nut. 316 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,640 That's why you have to be very intentional from the beginning, 317 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,960 from the kind of people you talk to, not just from people you 318 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,240 have sex with. It starts with who do you 319 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,680 associate with and what kind of person are you to indicate what 320 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,400 are you settling for? Who do you talk to? 321 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:00,560 Who do you surround yourself with? 322 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:03,240 Because all of this is going to changia a lot towards your 323 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:06,920 sexual safety. If you settle for less, you're 324 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,839 definitely going to be sad. You're definitely going to feel 325 00:17:10,839 --> 00:17:15,640 bad about not choosing yourself. And when it comes to self-care, 326 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,560 there is also aftercare. Aftercare is what you do after 327 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,920 you have sex, the things that you enjoy for yourself. 328 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:26,000 And I'll share a few things that I enjoy for myself so that maybe 329 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:29,120 you can be able to pinpoint what it is you like for yourself and 330 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:32,160 you enjoy the most. So for you to experience 331 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,440 aftercare, you have to 1st know what it is that you want and 332 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,640 need after sex. What are your immediate needs? 333 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,680 Some people love to roll over and sleep, but I would advise 334 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:44,480 that you get out of bed, go to the toilet, pee clean your 335 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,600 yourself. Meet me personally, I like 336 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,960 taking a shower. I hope my sexual people I've had 337 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,560 sex with do not think it's something I have against them 338 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,760 because is it? There's this episode on Sex and 339 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,160 the city. This priest every time he would 340 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,440 have sex with Miranda, he would shower immediately. 341 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,760 Doesn't matter if they fucked like five times in a night, he 342 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,280 would go in the shower all the time immediately. 343 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:09,000 Or someone sent me M pesa. Oh, it's my mum. 344 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,560 Amazing. I love being her daughter. 345 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,360 She really takes care of me and she makes me make sure I'm 346 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,320 really happy. So this guy would shower all the 347 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,840 time after sex. For me, it's just I don't want 348 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:23,120 to be sticky and, you know, smelly and I don't want, you 349 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,520 know, all the juices and fluids on me. 350 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:29,000 But I guess this is how I feel when I'm having sex with someone 351 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,400 I shouldn't be having sex with. So I just decided to prevent 352 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:33,920 this. Let me just not have sex with 353 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,920 anyone I don't I shouldn't be having sex with. 354 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,080 It's important that you know what you need, especially after 355 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,960 sex. I'll start with financial Mimi, 356 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:46,240 how my body is set up. I'm very much unable to have sex 357 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,800 when I feel financially insecure, when I'm not safe 358 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,480 financially, like my bills are not paid, I'm anxious about how 359 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,960 I'm going to get things done, you know, blah, blah, blah. 360 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:59,480 If I'm anxious about that, then chances that I will be able to 361 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:03,120 orgasm or not are very slim. And this is something I know 362 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,040 about myself. That's why I stay on top of my 363 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,760 game when it comes to my finances. 364 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,160 I make sure I'm very financially secure. 365 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,280 I make sure I'm comfortable and safe, and I feel good about 366 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,880 myself because I know it translates in all the other 367 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,360 aspects of my life. I try to make sure my finances 368 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:20,960 are good for me, for myself, and I would like for my partners to 369 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,080 also be financially comfortable so that they're not coming to 370 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,800 make me feel weird. That guy who gave me a yeast 371 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,800 infection, this guy, you know, to get me, he pretended that he 372 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,360 was rich. He acted like he had the money 373 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,320 because that is usually a prerequisite for me to even talk 374 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,160 to a man. I don't like men who are 375 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,280 dependent on women financially. I've talked about this because 376 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,840 that's the kind of home I grew up in and that definitely it 377 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,360 gives me PTSD. I don't want a man depending on 378 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:48,600 my money, so I need him to have his own money. 379 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:52,000 And this guy, one time he started making me, not really 380 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,680 making me because I did it out of my own will, but like I was 381 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:59,440 having to start paying for stuff like paying for a lot of things 382 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,960 in the relationship. I didn't mind because I liked 383 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,280 him, but it started to just feel weird. 384 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,960 It started feeling like this is not the kind of relationship I. 385 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,480 I want to be in, I don't want to be in a relationship where my 386 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,760 mom looks at me when it's time to pay for something. 387 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:15,480 And immediately that changed the dynamics we had around sex. 388 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,760 I stopped being horny for him. I stopped wanting him because I 389 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,440 was thinking I just, and he would make jokes about why don't 390 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,640 you pay my rent for me. It turned me all the way off 391 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,640 because we were really fresh into the relationship and such 392 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,520 discussions were very awkward for me. 393 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,800 For a grown man who was like 12 years older than me to expect me 394 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,440 to pay. Oh my God, it made me feel very, 395 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:41,160 very weird physical after sex. I love cuddles, I love when my 396 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,840 mind helps me clean up and I love hanging out. 397 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:47,720 I love touch and just talking and laughing and being in each 398 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,000 other's presence. One time there's this guy who I 399 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,280 really, really liked. He called for me the Uber 400 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,400 immediately. We woke up in the morning and 401 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,840 I've never stopped thinking about that. 402 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,600 And that traumatized me. I don't like going to people's 403 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,280 houses anymore because I don't want to be chased. 404 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,760 I don't want anyone telling me I have a busy day. 405 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,000 You have to leave. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 406 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,840 That doesn't make me feel safe. And that's why I love to have 407 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:14,080 sex in a very secure situation where I can feel safe. 408 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,920 I feel welcomed. I feel like I can hang out 409 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,440 without being scared and vice versa. 410 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:23,280 Our space needs to feel like we feel welcomed and wanted. 411 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,280 The moment that, you know, goes away, then it ends. 412 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,920 And my emotional needs is, you know, discussing afterwards, 413 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,880 talking about how we feel, talking about the sex that we 414 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,120 just had. Let's have a discussion about 415 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:37,600 it. You know, I want to know how did 416 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,360 what make you feel when I did that? 417 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:42,480 When I put my tongue there. Let's talk, let's bond on an 418 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:46,560 emotional level because it really, really helps make me 419 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,880 feel safe and comfortable. And some of the sexual needs I 420 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,960 have are, you know, let's keep flatting, let's maintain the 421 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,520 romance, let's keep touching, let's be present sexually. 422 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,960 If you realize this needs a wholesome, I didn't say anywhere 423 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,840 to give me money. Kiss me, fuck me said you what? 424 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,280 I, I try to explain it in a very wholesome way because these are 425 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:07,880 my needs. And I'm realizing the more 426 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:11,440 honest I am with myself, it helps me also be able to 427 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,920 communicate with my sexual partner and tell them what I 428 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,960 need. And it also helps me never 429 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:19,880 settle for less because it's important to have the difficult 430 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,720 conversations. They really elevate even your 431 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,920 sex. If you can talk about anything, 432 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,760 you can love each other. You can fuck nasty and talk 433 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,040 about it afterwards. Imagine how comfortable you can 434 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,040 be during and after. Hydrate and eat. 435 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,760 It's even better if you're able to share a meal and a drink 436 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,240 together. It makes you feel like you care 437 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,480 for each other. You know that feeling for after 438 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,960 sex and you're drinking water, then you pass the water bottle. 439 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,960 It's, it's a feeling of like I care about you and I think about 440 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,520 and I want you safe and hydrated. 441 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:52,480 It's, it's a simple small thing, but it's such a huge gesture to 442 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,840 me. It also when I pay attention to 443 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,000 all these needs that I have, it helps reduce my anxiety around 444 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,120 sex. It helps me not overthink. 445 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:04,040 It improves the sex and my mental health, my self esteem, 446 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:08,600 my mood. I made a clear decision years 447 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,160 ago, like over five years ago, that I don't want to have sex. 448 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,920 That makes me feel worse after. You know when you have sex with 449 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,800 someone and you the whole week you're overthinking, you're sad, 450 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,920 you're indecisive, you're scared, you're confused. 451 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,760 I promised myself I was never going to have such sex ever 452 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,320 again. I only want to have sex that 453 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:28,360 improves my mental well-being, myself esteem and my mood. 454 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,960 I want all the positive feelings towards sex and my lover. 455 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:36,480 I need to feel safety and comfort and all this really 456 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,520 really heals my insecurities. Please teach yourself to 457 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,680 advocate for yourself by getting to know yourself fast so that 458 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,120 you're able to communicate these needs that you have to your 459 00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:47,920 partner. Your orgasm and your safety and 460 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,000 your comfortability is also your responsibility. 461 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,400 It's not just the other persons, it's yours as well. 462 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:58,080 Having a stable mind, good financial, emotional, sexual, 463 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,720 physical health and well-being keeps you stable. 464 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,960 It gives you better results. All this is part of sexual 465 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,240 safety and aftercare is part of taking care of yourself and this 466 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:10,400 is the ultimate show of love for yourself. 467 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,880 Start taking charge of your life sexually. 468 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:16,360 Do not just sit and wait and be oblivious to the processes that 469 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:19,840 are happening around you. Take charge, love yourself, be 470 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,680 intentional, and have great sex.