1 00:00:23,380 --> 00:00:26,860 There is this pandemic, I'm going to call it pandemic 2 00:00:26,980 --> 00:00:30,900 because it seems like an infectious disease of men 3 00:00:31,060 --> 00:00:33,380 borrowing me money, and I want to talk. 4 00:00:33,380 --> 00:00:35,500 About it today, I hope it will be. 5 00:00:35,500 --> 00:00:38,820 Taken in A to be honest, I don't care how it's taken by men who 6 00:00:38,820 --> 00:00:41,780 borrow women money. I've been seeing people talk 7 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:45,220 about it but it's never really happened to me until recently 8 00:00:45,220 --> 00:00:46,860 and I want to tell. You guys a story? 9 00:00:47,060 --> 00:00:50,240 Maybe you can tell me if I'm overreacting, overthinking, but 10 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:53,640 I think I'm at a point in my life where I truly truly trust 11 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:57,040 my intuition and I don't question the feelings that I 12 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:00,640 have within me because I know the difference between being 13 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:05,160 anxious and my body telling me something is wrong. 14 00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:09,400 Yesterday. I was at a recording. 15 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:14,920 At the dialogue with Jaguaro Studios and this guy. 16 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,800 Calls me out of nowhere. This is someone I've not spoken 17 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:23,360 to in years and if we've spoken in between it's in passing. 18 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,840 This someone I knew from 5-6. Years ago, we're not. 19 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,960 Close. We don't hang out, we don't 20 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:31,520 talk, I don't even think we follow each other on social 21 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,120 media. And I didn't even have the 22 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:36,760 number, but. I pick all the calls especially. 23 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,680 From numbers, I don't know, because I don't know, it could 24 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:42,000 be business, could be something serious. 25 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:45,360 So if I think the call is a money call, I'm definitely going 26 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,280 to pick it up. I picked up and this. 27 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,840 Guy's like hey. He seemed a bit timid. 28 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,880 A bit not sure of himself. I could read. 29 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,360 This from his voice immediately. I picked up the call. 30 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,160 How are you? He said. 31 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:01,040 Hi, Bobby, How are you? And I said hi, how may I help 32 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,440 you? And he said X. 33 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,800 Let's say his name is X. And I was like, oh, I was a bit 34 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:07,800 shocked because why would he? Call me but. 35 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,000 It's OK, people. From my past call me. 36 00:02:10,479 --> 00:02:13,320 All that OK. Sometimes, and I don't mind a 37 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:14,960 little. Teta Tet. 38 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:18,000 Catching up Kidogo he. Was like, hey, I was. 39 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,760 Thinking maybe he has something important to tell me. 40 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,680 I don't know because it. Must be, I don't want to use the 41 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,840 word. Urgent, but it must be of 42 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:28,760 significance for you to take the time to call someone that. 43 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:33,560 You hardly ever speak. With and I let him keep you 44 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:34,800 know, saying what he wanted to say. 45 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:41,280 I asked him how may I help you and he said so I'm at Langata, 46 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:45,400 I'm at Langata police station. I've been caught yet again, he 47 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,040 added. They yet again, yet again on in 48 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,120 a lower voice and then he proceeded to say I've been 49 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:55,080 caught and they want me to give them 50,000 shillings. 50 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:59,120 I've been able to call up a few friends and save up to 27,000 51 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,120 shillings and I'd be really grateful. 52 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:04,240 If you showed up. For me, in whatever way you can, 53 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,800 the right thing for me to do would have been to be honest 54 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,880 with him. But I don't think he needed me 55 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:12,160 to put him down in case he was already in a very. 56 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,200 Vulnerable state like I could. Down. 57 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,840 It wasn't the time for me to start giving him a lecture, like 58 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,760 all the feelings I had, but I want to talk. 59 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,680 About the feelings I had. Right now, because of course I 60 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:22,880 couldn't tell him that. I don't know. 61 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,480 I'm still a kind person at the end of the day, so I wasn't 62 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,680 going to start telling him why would you call me, blah, blah, 63 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,680 blah. But what I felt, first of all, 64 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,440 that was a big red flag because of all the people he. 65 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,800 Could have called. Why me? 66 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,760 We're not close. We don't speak. 67 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,800 He's never helps me with anything. 68 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,360 He's never done anything for me. He's never even, you know, 69 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,760 something I normally check when I'm showing up for people. 70 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,800 I think this is a human thing. It's very subconscious. 71 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,520 I mean, it's not always intentional at tit for tat 72 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,040 because if you're giving and if you're helping, it has to come 73 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:56,480 from a selfless point of view. But there's when people are in 74 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,760 your life actively, there's an expectation, a silent 75 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,800 expectation. It could be loud and bold. 76 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,520 But there's just that expectation of support 77 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,040 supporting. Each other, showing up for each 78 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,840 other. This is someone who's never, at 79 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:11,080 least I've never seen any, even sharing a link of my work 80 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:12,840 telling. People to check. 81 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,600 Out my stuff any even in the simplest. 82 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:18,000 Of ways or even offered. Me encouragement, I see what 83 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,640 you're doing. Or even just decided to stay in 84 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,040 my life as a friend. This is someone I don't talk. 85 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,640 To we don't have a rapport where. 86 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:28,280 We can borrow each other money. It's not something that has ever 87 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,120 happened in our lives. So for him to call me that was a 88 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,840 bit weird. And he said that's why I'm 89 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,480 calling with you with this number. 90 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,120 It's not my usual number. So if you could please. 91 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,320 Just send me the number to this and I'm thinking how did he have 92 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,760 my number if he's not using his usual phone? 93 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,040 For five years, he's. Cramped my number. 94 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,160 That's crazy. And I thought why, why, why 95 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,400 would? He's a man, he's way older than 96 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,960 me at this point. He should have connections and a 97 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:57,040 solid system from people where he can get this money from. 98 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,080 And if at all, it. Was genuine then I don't know, I 99 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:01,840 just. Feel like he should go to people 100 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,040 who he talks to, people who are actually. 101 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:07,160 His friends, people who encourage and support him. 102 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:10,440 I mean, I also have my own life. I also have things that need 103 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,160 money. I'm also doing my own things. 104 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:16,480 I don't have money lying around waiting to help bail out men 105 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,440 I've not talked to in five years. 106 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,280 And that was a. Huge, huge red flag. 107 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,680 To me, by the way, this pissed me off because. 108 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:27,080 Why, of all people, me? What is it about me that says 109 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,720 I'm willing to give someone who I don't talk to money? 110 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:34,840 Unless it's for a charity. Case or someone who you know, 111 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,760 someone who's not my friend, someone I don't know. 112 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:40,320 Unless it's charity and go more, I try not to involve money and 113 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,960 even when people reach out to me for help, let's say on Instagram 114 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,840 or. Twitter. 115 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:47,880 And say, you know, I haven't eaten, I don't have food, I need 116 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:48,920 money. CG for what? 117 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,920 I prefer to send stuff. Like I'd rather do. 118 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,240 Shopping for you and send the shopping to you. 119 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,680 If you tell me I don't have food then send you money and if you 120 00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:58,960 feel like that's. Selfish. 121 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,680 Then. Of course I can't dictate. 122 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,200 How you use money if I give it to you? 123 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,400 But I'm just not comfortable sharing money with strangers. 124 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,040 And then also I feel like it it creates a habit it. 125 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:16,800 Creates and people just don't ever think maybe I can't just I 126 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,840 mean yes, I am a giver, but it has to come from my heart, 127 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,920 meaning I have to be comfortable and I have to have been filling 128 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,080 my cup for me to even have the. Capacity to share so. 129 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:29,280 Someone who's never talked to me or someone who we don't have 130 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,120 that kind of rapport with wouldn't know. 131 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,160 They wouldn't know how I am financially. 132 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,720 They wouldn't know if I was on my last. 133 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,000 To Bob, but they're. Calling me when they need. 134 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,200 To be bailed out bro what if what if I was? 135 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,720 Dying. What if I was sick? 136 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,000 What if I was going through depression? 137 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,240 Now any any crazy? And you see, the crazy thing is 138 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,760 my female friends wait, I'll get to that before I do any 139 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,200 comparison. So I noticed a men are starting 140 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,160 to borrow me money. And listen, I know men are human 141 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,560 beings. Well, anytime I bring up 142 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,440 conversations about emotions, they're always trying to fight 143 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,680 me. You know men are not supposed to 144 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,880 be emotional. Let men be men. 145 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:10,040 Do not force emotions on men. But OK, so then why would I have 146 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:13,440 empathy for someone if they claim to be happy about not 147 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,240 being emotional beings? First of all, and this is not 148 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:20,360 general, it's in recent arguments I've had with men who 149 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,160 argue about such things. Of course grown men know better 150 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,520 and they communicate and understand their emotions, and 151 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,560 they are confident and comfortable being emotional 152 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,480 beings. But not everyone is like that. 153 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,640 And surely these men who borrow me money are not like that. 154 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,280 This has happened to me twice, I'll tell you the other. 155 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,960 Story in a bit. I'm not close with any man 156 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,680 enough for them to even borrow me money, maybe my dad and my 157 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,120 brother and that's fine, that's family. 158 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,680 They don't even have to prove anything or show me anything, 159 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,320 and even with them, I think it's important that. 160 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,720 They're able to. I mean, I know life happens, 161 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,360 sometimes a Cocini, sometimes Nicoju, but my family members, 162 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,640 they've never in my life. They've never made me feel like, 163 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,400 I don't know, like they need my money or they're going to take 164 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,240 my money from me. If anything, they're 165 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:09,360 consistently trying to provide and make my life easier and show 166 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,560 me how to be a. Better provider. 167 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,920 For myself from watching them. Provide, so I sit. 168 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,320 And start to wonder that in a. Patriarchical world A world that 169 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,800 was literally created by. Men for men. 170 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,720 How come my girls are more stable? 171 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,840 The women in my life, no one has ever borrowed me money at the 172 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,560 only cost. You up in Mashiko? 173 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:32,880 Send me bail money. Oh, and when women borrow me 174 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,120 money, it's usually, you know, my bank is not working and they 175 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,559 send the money, right? Back after or. 176 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,320 It's not even a Denny, because in my relationships with women, 177 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,920 there is consent and consistent romance. 178 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,040 If I pay today, you pay tomorrow. 179 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,040 Today they bring me gifts. Let me tell you, the women in my 180 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,840 life, them and I, we practice friendship actively. 181 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,200 We're consistently gifting each other, loving each other, 182 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,720 affirming each other, being romantic. 183 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:03,360 My friends give me flowers, they cook me meals, they send me 184 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,320 gifts. They they treat me so. 185 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,760 Well, it's a level of. Friendship where Kitaku OK, it's 186 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:10,960 not even a daily. It's not even the kind of 187 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,880 relationship reality. I want my money. 188 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:13,680 Back. See. 189 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,920 It's you sit. And think about all the. 190 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,640 Ways, all the ways they've. Shown up for you, even all the 191 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:20,920 things they do for you. You don't even feel bad about 192 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,360 sharing and about being nice and about sending them that urgent. 193 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,000 2K because it's OK, it's all good. 194 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,720 You easily know that when you're in that space. 195 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,640 Next time they're going to. Pull up for you but. 196 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,920 I've never, I've never experienced this from these men 197 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,920 who are unromantic and they borrow money from women. 198 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,040 Let me I tell you, I've only encountered two of them, but 199 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:43,080 they've given me enough experience to be able to speak 200 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,240 on all of them because it shocked me. 201 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,640 And also it. Just makes me start to wonder 202 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:51,840 like what about me if you look at me as a woman and if you just 203 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:56,000 look at me, what about me says that someone can use his base to 204 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,040 borrow me money. It means I really need to 205 00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,400 rebrand. I can't imagine. 206 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,160 Well, I can because it's happened. 207 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,800 But imagine a man. Hey babe, I need you to send me 208 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,320 an urgent 2K. I don't know how to imitate a 209 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:11,200 base but. It's just what it's crazy to. 210 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,480 Be honest, I'm very spoiled and I'm used to it at home. 211 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,560 I'm used to my parents providing and taking care of me. 212 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:20,440 And that's exactly how I am about myself and the people I 213 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,400 love. I provide and I protect. 214 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,280 For. Myself and for the people around 215 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,440 me. And to be honest, I do not mind 216 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,680 spoiling those who spoil me. The men in my life get to enjoy 217 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:32,280 it. My friends my my family, they 218 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:36,440 get to enjoy the benefits of me experiencing good things as 219 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:37,600 well. Because they are a. 220 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:42,000 Constant in my life, as friends, as family, they continue to show 221 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,680 up and so. Like I said, spoiling. 222 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,560 People who spoil me is not a hard thing, it's the easiest 223 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,160 thing to do and again, it's not coming from a tit. 224 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,320 For tat perspective. It's just coming from. 225 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,040 This is the. Space that we've cultivated. 226 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,160 This is the space we've created for each other. 227 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,640 And it feels good. To be able to be. 228 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,520 Somewhere where I know I can get help, I can ask for help, and I 229 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,600 can give. It's not even a gendered thing. 230 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:08,800 And because of this I I do not feel like I need any man. 231 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,720 So it makes me wonder. Why would you start? 232 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,160 Talking to me like Kuni. Katia start. 233 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:17,120 Speaking with me and you say you want me. 234 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,760 You're talking all these words about I want you, I want to be 235 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,440 with you. And you've seen the kind of 236 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,600 material, you've seen the kind of woman I am, and then you come 237 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,120 into my life. But you don't want to be 238 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,800 romantic. Because you're secretly broke. 239 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,160 And you're pretending to be something you're not. 240 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,880 And then you start borrowing me money. 241 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:36,240 I'll tell you guys a. Story in a bit, unfortunately 242 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:40,320 because of my experiences and consistently improving my 243 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,440 boundaries and my standards. OK. 244 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,440 Fortunately, but unfortunately for. 245 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:45,240 The. Losers. 246 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:48,200 I already know how good it can get when a man wants you. 247 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:53,080 I've already experienced it when someone is madly in love and 248 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,040 passionate about me. The care is automatic. 249 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,040 It doesn't feel. Forced or. 250 00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,720 You know it's not something you ask. 251 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,680 For it's just their the. Generosity, the kindness. 252 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:07,440 And this is what inspires me as a woman to want to create the 253 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:11,280 space where I'm able to nurture. So now imagine, especially in 254 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:15,000 the beginning, when a man wants. You, they it's bliss. 255 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,200 And this means I just can't settle for anything less. 256 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,320 I'm used to the best and it only keeps getting better. 257 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,880 So I met this guy one time and. We dated for. 258 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,440 Like a month. I mean, let me just say roughly 259 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,400 a month. This man immediately he met. 260 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:34,320 Me, he had already proposed like he was rushing into a. 261 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,200 Relationship with me? He was. 262 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,320 He looked. Like my type. 263 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,560 I mean, he's handsome. He looked rich, he was. 264 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:46,240 All these nice qualities, kind, affirming, respectful. 265 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:51,440 Is it 2 feet to pause and Amina angle younger and in that month? 266 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,680 Well, I do blame myself. Because I did see the red flags 267 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,360 but. I think I kept ignoring them. 268 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,040 I don't know if I was ignoring them or I just kept saying let 269 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,080 me do it for the plot so that I can see the story. 270 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,680 But I remember very well feeling it deep in my heart that this 271 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:07,280 was not going to go anywhere and I was not going to be serious. 272 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:08,680 About this relationship, but at the. 273 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,360 Same time I keep saying let me just see where. 274 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,480 It goes, it goes. Let me see what I can do and 275 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,920 what I can achieve with this. Relationship, but we started the 276 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,880 the. Dating on a very low note 277 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,120 because he came to meet me me at work. 278 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,240 So we just sat at the cafeteria, Hapo. 279 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:25,440 And we had mandazi and Chai, which is something I never. 280 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:28,320 Do some people? Recognize me from talking about 281 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,280 how I don't like going to dates. At coffee places. 282 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,880 Because I think it's too cheap for me. 283 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,480 And I should have just stuck with that. 284 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:38,400 But you see, people are always. What can I say trying? 285 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,120 Downplay. Or to box you into something 286 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,080 you're not. If you have low self. 287 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:45,840 Esteem and you don't trust yourself enough and people start 288 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,720 saying, you know, Conor Maringo. Why are you like that? 289 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,000 Why would you say you can't go to a date for such place? 290 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,120 It's. Because I know I already knew 291 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,400 when this. Date started on such a. 292 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,480 Low note. I knew it could only get worse 293 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,240 from here. He didn't really take time to 294 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,160 prepare. I mean, circumstances didn't 295 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,400 allow because I was working. I mean, later that night he took 296 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,560 me out to dinner. But even when we went to dinner, 297 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,400 he only. I was the only one who ate. 298 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:09,000 Alone, he didn't buy himself food. 299 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,520 And I ignored it like I passed it off. 300 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:17,120 As maybe he's already eaten Amishiba but now that I look 301 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:21,960 back I'm realizing maybe he just couldn't afford both our meals 302 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,560 because even before I told him the restaurant I wanted to go 303 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,000 to. He tried to suggest cheaper. 304 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,280 Places and in my head, I was wondering at your age with the 305 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,720 car you're driving with the way you're showing. 306 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,920 Up you've not built yourself. Like enough to be able. 307 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,280 To afford this because I could easily. 308 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:40,440 Mimi, I could go and eat at that restaurant by myself. 309 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,920 But then I was thinking, this man had been saying he wants to 310 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:45,040 marry me. He wants to be, you know, He 311 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:48,440 wants me to be his. Wifey, whatever, whatever I was. 312 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:50,360 Thinking you're ready for marriage and you. 313 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,040 Don't you can't afford them? Meal. 314 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,160 Why? And what would make you think 315 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,440 I'm the best candidate for such a marriage where you can't even 316 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,120 afford a meal anyway? At that time I wasn't thinking 317 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:00,760 he can't. Afford. 318 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,560 I just passed it off as Asha Kula Asha Sheba. 319 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,280 And I let it go. But now when I look back, I 320 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:10,560 kept, I did really keep ignoring the signs that I kept seeing. 321 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,880 I kept passing them off as something else. 322 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,880 But deep down, my intuition was blurring all the red flags. 323 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:20,440 It was saying beep beep beep. Be careful, look how this. 324 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,000 Guy might be crazy. Something is happening during 325 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,400 this time. There were no dates, no flowers, 326 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:29,120 no practical support. He stopped picking me up even 327 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,880 when we were meeting up and. That already was showing. 328 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,120 Me, this guy is not. Serious. 329 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,720 He's just a big talker because he used to do a lot of. 330 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,320 Future faking you know I'm going to marry you. 331 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,680 I'm going to Mimi, a friend of mine, she's called Saran. 332 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,640 She's always telling me, Roberta, you're so you're so 333 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,280 easy to lie to because all someone needs to do is. 334 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,320 Show you a little. Bit of romance and you fall. 335 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,560 For it, Well, partly it's true, but. 336 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,240 Right now I think I'm wiser. Because I don't really fall for 337 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,480 words so every. Time, he would say all these 338 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,960 things, you know my friends, they want to meet you. 339 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,160 I'm going to take you. Where he never brought me 340 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,560 around. His friends never brought me 341 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,440 around. His family never showed me 342 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:09,160 anything real or time in his life and even where he lived was 343 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,120 not matching his lifestyle in his. 344 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,240 Car. It was just. 345 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,440 For someone who's younger, that's I think. 346 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,440 That's that could pass because you're still. 347 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,560 Figuring it out but someone of his. 348 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,360 Age. It was just showing me red. 349 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:24,000 Flags this guy at Raji. Panga and to get married. 350 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,360 This is where we're going to live. 351 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,880 That's not something I was. Going to pass because already. 352 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:31,240 I'm trying to give myself the best life on my own, so the only 353 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,080 kind of guy I can be with is someone who's better than me, 354 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,560 richer than me, because I need him to be. 355 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,600 Secure for himself it's not. Even about me having a rich 356 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:43,120 husband or boyfriend, it's about him being. 357 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:45,640 Well, it is I would. Love that that's the only. 358 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,760 Kind of person I would date. And I'm very honest about it. 359 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,800 That's why I was wondering me. Maybe I'm always saying I'm 360 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,120 myself. Proclaimed gold digger. 361 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,000 What about? Me is making these men think 362 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,800 they can call me and ask me for money. 363 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,960 It's crazy. That's that's that shocked me, 364 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,400 this guy in that. Span of one month he had 365 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:08,319 borrowed me money four times and it was the babe. 366 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:12,640 Can you send me two Ki need Suji what please? 367 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,800 And I lied to him because first, that message. 368 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,359 Shot. He didn't even have the audacity 369 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:19,760 to. Call me and ask and you see he 370 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,119 was doing a lot. Of future. 371 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:23,560 Faking a lot of speaking with words, Mimi. 372 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,280 Words bore me immediately. You're telling me, darling, I 373 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,720 love you, I miss you, and there's no action attached. 374 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,280 To it I get. So bored he had never paid. 375 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,760 For an Uber, I was. Using he had never sent me money 376 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:38,280 one time. I was just, it was just a test. 377 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:39,480 I was just. Testing him to see. 378 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,240 If he'll do it. Well, maybe it's wrong to. 379 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:44,680 Test people, but I truly. Feel like when a man loves you 380 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,920 and he's serious about you, it becomes his number one priority 381 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:48,760 to make. Sure. 382 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,760 You're very, very. Well taken care of and I told 383 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:56,760 him I wanted to buy some brioche bands and I needed some money. 384 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:01,000 This man told me a tea maybe later another time I was with 385 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:06,960 him and I needed to pay for my Uber when I was leaving him and 386 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,240 my bank wasn't working so I needed him to send me some money 387 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,280 and I told him could you please send me some money and he said 388 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,520 even me my bank isn't working. So within this one month he had 389 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:19,760 never other than the meals he paid for he had never once once 390 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,360 given me anything No dates no not even flowers. 391 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:26,240 I love flowers. This guy had never once bought 392 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,160 me even a flower. A flower is 20 Bob. 393 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,840 This man had never said shikai 50 Bob come a credit, but he 394 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,400 would consistently borrow me babe me said in a 2K the other 395 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,920 time tells me babe I'm in the village, the CG, the bank 396 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,880 network, blah blah blah and I told him you're a grown man. 397 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:46,320 You're literally 12 years older. Than me he's 4041 and you didn't 398 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:47,960 think that Oquendo shall go. You need. 399 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,760 To have cash, I told. Him next time just carry cash. 400 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,960 I didn't give him the money. I gave him some lie about my 401 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,720 friend. Something, something just some 402 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,000 lie. He borrowed me some money again. 403 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,640 Now he's. Graduated from 2K to 5K. 404 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,960 He. Borrowed me some money again and 405 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,480 I ignored him and then the fourth time he borrowed me 406 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,240 money. Was the last. 407 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,040 Time we spoke with each other. This guy tells me by. 408 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:15,200 Then Yanni I had Nil Konsha Boeka Ashani Toka Nashanga to 409 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:21,000 Kwani. This man tells me ATI need some 410 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:21,960 25. K. 411 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,560 I'll give it back to you next week. 412 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,680 And then he used to complain about bills all the time. 413 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,160 Like, Oh my. God, the bills are crazy. 414 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,840 And then he would make jokes such as when I would tell him 415 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,200 me, I've already paid off my bills, I pay them in time so 416 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:34,000 that. Blah blah blah. 417 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,440 Just during conversation he would say why don't you pay 418 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:37,440 mine? He would. 419 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,320 Pass it off as a as a joke but he used to stay there for a 420 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:41,240 while. Like Babe? 421 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,080 He would even follow up and ask me, babe, why don't you pay my 422 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,320 bills? Pay my bills for me this time. 423 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,320 I'm alwaysy. Well, I wasn't. 424 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,320 Quite sure how to take. It I didn't know if he was being 425 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:57,120 serious someone it was a joke because and it was so confusing 426 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,520 to me, I would. Brush it off or laugh it off. 427 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,320 Because I wasn't. There's no way I was going to 428 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,000 believe that this grown ass man was asking me literally in a 429 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,560 paycheck in a wild made for men. He's borrowing a young girl 430 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,480 money that showed me everything I needed to know something was 431 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,160 wrong with this guy because. Not only does he have the. 432 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,440 Experience. And the head start of age. 433 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,400 He also has the head, the head start. 434 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,560 Of him being a man and even the car he drives he tenders. 435 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,680 They pretend to have but they have nothing. 436 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,960 So this guy tells me, babe, you know I need 20. 5K I'll give it. 437 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,240 To you next week. And in my head I just told 438 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,680 myself it's time for me to block. 439 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,040 This guy. There's no way I can continue 440 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,600 speaking with him. The conversation is over and I 441 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,440 simply just deleted him from my phone. 442 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,560 The next day he messages me, you know, acting very disappointed. 443 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:46,000 He can't believe that, you know, we were in love and we love each 444 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:49,840 other so much, but I couldn't even give him just 25,000 445 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,040 shillings and he. Brought up the other the past 446 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,800 times where he borrowed. Me money and I gave him excuses 447 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,400 and I lied Any of these times I would tell him I'm sick or I'm 448 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:04,080 going to a funeral and he would still be waiting like babe sue 449 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:08,320 to me la pesa and I'm wondering Kumbi and minim ganja minim 450 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,880 Nikoka funeral and you're not thinking how can I make. 451 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,920 This girl feel better? Do I send her a fruit basket? 452 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,240 You know, do I buy her something? 453 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:19,040 Do I send her some food or a soup? 454 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,360 Normal things, me and my girls. Would do for each other. 455 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:25,720 This is a man who wants to sleep with me, be marry me. 456 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,080 This is how he's. Acting, of course. 457 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,240 I could see he was devoid. Of empathy and feelings and 458 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,080 care. And I could tell immediately 459 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,160 that he did not like me. He did not want me. 460 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:41,040 He probably just enjoyed the proximity to me and he was 461 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,280 probably thinking I was the kind of women who are lonely and 462 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,920 desperate and I want to be loved and I want to say I have a man 463 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,800 so. Bad because he would say. 464 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,800 Things like, you know, I want to have. 465 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,760 Babies with you. Mimi, I'm child 3 and I don't 466 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,880 want kids. Maybe to another woman that 467 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:59,040 would make you fall in love. But when he would say such 468 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:02,760 things, I would just feel ick. I would feel hell. 469 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,480 No, I'm not in love. I don't want to have kids. 470 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,560 I'm not ready. That's not really going to work 471 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,520 on me. All the future of faking and 472 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,760 love bombing and saying all these right things. 473 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:13,440 I'm not really. The kind of girl who falls 474 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,080 forwards. Before I see actions, there's no 475 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,680 way you're getting me to do anything. 476 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,760 You know, I used to be a people pleaser and it took a lot for me 477 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,040 to recover. I had to understand that I'm a 478 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,440 very kind person and I'm very giving, but even that has to be 479 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,280 very intentional. So there's no way I'm willing to 480 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:33,120 pour into something that has never poured into me unless I 481 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:36,200 know that it's going to make me feel good about myself. 482 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,800 Because I have to care. I have to feel good as well. 483 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,480 Why would I go? Where I'm not loved and not 484 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:42,960 wanted. And then I start giving him 485 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,600 those urgent 2 KS and five KS and 25 KS. 486 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,920 I'm not crazy. There's so many stories I've 487 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,480 seen on TikTok of men conning women in this way. 488 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,440 You meet a man and he sometimes they'll even give you the money. 489 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,040 You know he'll he'll give you 100. 490 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,920 K he'll give you 1. K And then one day he tells you 491 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:03,880 babe and I need 400,000. Please please please. 492 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,040 Just give it to me and. Because you guys have created 493 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,320 that rapport of. Sharing and giving each other 494 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,680 money and he's been spoiling you rot and you feel OK. 495 00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:14,200 He's given me money and he's been spending on me. 496 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,080 What's wrong with me giving him the money? 497 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:19,400 The day you send that 400,000 is the last day you will hear from 498 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,160 that man. It's the last time you will see 499 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:24,760 him the last. So it does not make sense to me. 500 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:28,000 For a 40 year. Old man to be asking me for 501 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,720 money, it just doesn't make sense. 502 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:33,360 Maybe my younger brother who's 24, I can understand if he 503 00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:35,440 doesn't have some money. But a 40 year? 504 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:38,600 Old man and then he's not going to borrow his fellow man. 505 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:39,760 He's not going to. Borrow. 506 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,480 You know all these. Men, he was name dropping and 507 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:43,760 talking. Oh, you know, I was with the 508 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,920 minister of where, you know, Nanny's son is my friend, the 509 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,240 president's son. He's the one who's calling me, 510 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,680 blah, blah, blah. And you can't. 511 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,960 Ask all these other. Rich men for money. 512 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:58,040 He sent me a long message about, you know, I am a guy who thinks 513 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:01,840 about the future and if I can't borrow my wife money, who else 514 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,520 am I going to? Borrow he also used. 515 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:07,680 To send me memes about a tea man shouldn't pay rent for his wife. 516 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,480 You know such discourse. I've literally never had such 517 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,520 arguments with men about any of the men who can come into my 518 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,640 life. All my exes if I line them up. 519 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,880 Problem solvers, solution providers, they. 520 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,160 Really fully take care of me. I have an ex. 521 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,280 Who still? Sends me money and he does it. 522 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,400 We don't even talk. We don't even talk. 523 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,120 He's not even on this continent. He doesn't call me. 524 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:30,240 He doesn't text me. Once in a while he'll send me 525 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,120 some money. Men who put money into my 526 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:35,760 account even before they meet me, even before they send me a 527 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,760 dress, they'll send me an outfit, shoes for a date before 528 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,560 we meet, flowers. Very romantic. 529 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:45,200 So much romance. But this guy wanted me to fall 530 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,400 for him off words. That's crazy it. 531 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,920 Brings me to think about. How it's as if these kind of 532 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,880 people expect to have. The benefits of friendship and 533 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,080 relationships without putting in the work. 534 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,040 Like I said, the. Reason I feel differently about 535 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,960 my female friendships is the romance is consistent. 536 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:06,720 If my girlfriend asks me for 2K urgently, I literally do not 537 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,640 mind sending the money because she's probably shown up at my 538 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,480 house with shopping, she's probably bought me food, she's 539 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,520 probably cooked for me, she's probably, you know, visited me. 540 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,240 She's probably come to see me, she's probably bought me flowers 541 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,960 and sweets at some point of our relationship, consistently me 542 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:25,000 and my friends we go out to nice restaurants on a random. 543 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,680 Tuesday any day so. A man coming into my life and 544 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,360 wanting me to drink hot cocoa and mandazi with him. 545 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,840 There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm so used to people 546 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,920 putting so much effort into being with me and that's the 547 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,440 level and frequency I'm on with my other relationships. 548 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,480 There's just no way I'm going to start dating someone or speaking 549 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,840 with someone and then they lower my quality of life because they 550 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,080 want me to start struggling to build with them. 551 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,200 I'm not the kind of girl who builds with a man. 552 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,240 I'm not going to start from scratch. 553 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:57,400 I'm not going to date someone who's, you know, trying, trying 554 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,520 things out. I'm also trying things out. 555 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,200 I need someone who's better than me. 556 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,360 I'm only attracted to men who are, you know, kind of 557 00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:06,040 established in the things that they're doing. 558 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,040 They know what they want. They've been putting in the. 559 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:10,160 Work because. I'm putting in the work. 560 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,560 I'm young, it's my time to. Focus on myself, Why would I 561 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,280 start? Trying to build a man when he's 562 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,360 in his. 40s that's. Crazy. 563 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,240 That's crazy. That's not something I'm going 564 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,600 to do. My exes consistently picked me 565 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,640 up or send a driver. This *** couldn't even pay for 566 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,120 my Uber. So I just had to. 567 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,920 Delete him from my phone and to experience. 568 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:33,000 A girl who loves herself. You must truly love yourself. 569 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,080 Too. Everything works against US 570 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,720 women, but we still get the bug and this. 571 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,960 Security that we're. Chasing as women, when we say 572 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,840 I'm sorry, I cannot date a broke man or a man who doesn't have 573 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,200 money, it's not about Marengo or it's not about me taking your 574 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,080 money. It's for you more than it is for 575 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,800 me. It's nice to see a grown man 576 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,600 have his own things, do his own things, and not be dependent on 577 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,040 other people the same way as a woman. 578 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,640 That's who I am. I'm not depending on anyone. 579 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,960 I do my things, I pay my bills. I take myself. 580 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:06,400 Out I do nice things for myself, so I only can be with someone 581 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,160 who's even better than me because I'm trying to grow and 582 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,520 I'm trying to learn. Love and generosity should come 583 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:16,400 from a mutual space of wanting to care for each other. 584 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:18,360 But if you've never shown care to me? 585 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:23,960 Why would you expect Yeniuko? Jela Mimi kutumi bail money bro 586 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:27,200 Audrey. This is what I've seen as a 587 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:30,160 recovering people pleaser that anyway, I just. 588 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,880 Have to give myself. And the benefit of giving is to 589 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,480 receive. Whether you give. 590 00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,240 Intentionally or not, it's always going to come back. 591 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:40,000 To you, that's what I. Truly believe I think you can be 592 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,920 mad at me, but I'm not really repeating cycles. 593 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,600 I'm not doing the things I saw my mom and my grandma do. 594 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,280 I want better. I do not want to be the 595 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:52,680 breadwinner in a family where someone else is a I do not want 596 00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,200 to age. I do not want to get autoimmune 597 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,600 diseases because I'm taking care of a man who's way older than me 598 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,200 because I'm doing everything on my own financially. 599 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:02,920 If I have to do. Everything by myself. 600 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,880 I can be by myself. I don't want to be with anyone 601 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,640 where they're lowering the quality of my life. 602 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,200 It's not a must for me to be with a man or to be in a 603 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,360 relationship. I like nice things and the 604 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,720 lesson I learned is. If you start cheap. 605 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:17,960 You can only go. Cheaper like if you start. 606 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,640 Low. You can only go lower than that 607 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:23,480 and the more you're doing better as as a woman in my experience, 608 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,240 I don't know if it's different for other people. 609 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:28,720 The more I kept doing better as my partners, I've had to break 610 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,080 up with some. People because they get jealous. 611 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:34,520 And insecure and I don't know, I don't get jealousy because I'm 612 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:35,840 the kind of. Person who if I. 613 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,640 Admire what you're doing. I want to learn from you and do 614 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,720 better. I don't sit and think, how can I 615 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,280 what can I do to make this person feel bad and you'll start 616 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:45,440 to notice it in. The way they speak. 617 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:48,600 They try to make you feel less and they try to put you down. 618 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,200 This *** would make comments like he would send me. 619 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:52,240 Hairstyles. The other. 620 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,000 Women and say. Why don't you try this? 621 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:55,440 And it's a woman with a shaved head. 622 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:59,280 And I'm wondering this guy, he wants me to shave off my hair. 623 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,880 He consistently compliments my natural. 624 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:03,920 Hair, and he knows how beautiful it is. 625 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,400 And it's one of the reasons he says he. 626 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:09,520 Loves the way I look. All of a sudden he's sending me 627 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,600 pictures of women or manure. A weak woman would have gone and 628 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:13,880 nod. Her hair or a pic? 629 00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:18,960 Me, Isaac, Please, Mimi. I just deleted his number. 630 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:22,040 That's not something that's not something I can't stand for. 631 00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:26,560 It's so important to be big and bold and to demand exactly what 632 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:28,680 you want. And especially if you're growing 633 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:30,120 as a woman. You truly. 634 00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:32,960 Deserve a man who's better than you, nothing less than that. 635 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:36,080 It's so sad that I have. To talk about this, but I do 636 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,840 because I have to. Make it clear that I am not. 637 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:41,600 At all Interested in. Being with anyone who cannot 638 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:45,200 take care of themselves as an adult, especially financially, 639 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:47,880 There's so many things we're dealing with already like 640 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:51,400 emotions, childhood trauma, addictions, CG, what? 641 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:54,160 And then now we start from a space of we don't have money. 642 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:57,000 No, you're not ready. For a girl like me. 643 00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:01,800 Because I need collaboration and partnership. 644 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:06,120 I do not want to raise anyone. I do not want to make anyone 645 00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:07,880 grow, I think in a. Relationship. 646 00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:11,640 We should all come. Grown, healed, healing, rather 647 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:14,320 in a position where we are consistently both trying to be 648 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:16,280 better. Because I'm not looking for 649 00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:18,120 handouts and I don't expect a man. 650 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:21,320 Especially to try and Leech. For me and next time you're 651 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:24,280 borrowing someone money, especially a woman, make sure 652 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:26,640 you invest you've invested in them make. 653 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,520 Sure. There's this guy I dated. 654 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:32,040 Like five years ago he's he was very of. 655 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,120 Course all the men I date are very rich and this guy he would 656 00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:38,480 take me to nice fancy dates but one time he took me to a Kibanda 657 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,960 date and I remember leaving that day thinking why did he bring me 658 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,840 to this kibanda? This is not somewhere I go and. 659 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:47,840 I used to eat at. Kibandas siaku nashida nakibanda 660 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:52,120 and even squeezing Icona tumbo sensitive and I just need to 661 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,440 move my food. My food is a bit cleaner like 662 00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:58,080 the standards of hygiene are a bit higher and I was wondering 663 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:00,680 why would he take me to a kibanda without asking me? 664 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:04,000 I left that date feeling like he was my boyfriend at the time. 665 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:05,600 We've been together for a few months and. 666 00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:08,160 Actually it's it's the guy. Who I'm saying is the ex who he 667 00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:10,840 doesn't talk to me, but he sends him money, this guy. 668 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:13,160 I left that date. Feeling like something was 669 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,760 wrong, like maybe he was testing me to see if I'm a ride or die. 670 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:20,320 I can eat at fancy restaurants and at Kibanda's. 671 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:22,440 Bro don't test me, I'm not the gully. 672 00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:23,080 Test. That's the. 673 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:24,880 Feeling I have, I don't. Know if he was text. 674 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,000 Testing me but when I went home and thought about it. 675 00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:28,120 I had. I broke up. 676 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:31,280 With him and just said I'm sorry you didn't, you didn't care. 677 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:33,560 Like, you already know my standards and you know where I 678 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:36,440 like to go and the things I like to do, but you intentionally 679 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,440 decided to bring me somewhere you know I wouldn't. 680 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,080 Be comfortable. I didn't get sick, but I just. 681 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,640 Thought no, I'm not giving him another chance to take me to 682 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,880 another kibanda because immediately I allow we're only 683 00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:49,480 going to start eating at kibanda's from now on and that's 684 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:51,520 not my standard. So I had to let. 685 00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,760 Let it go another. Guy dated also eh hey. 686 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:58,880 He, he was generous and he does take care of me and he's always, 687 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:02,640 you know, gifting me and stuff And he, he asked me one time, 688 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:06,920 can you please buy for me lunch. So generally I would have had no 689 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,800 problem, you know, buying this guy lunch because he's been 690 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,440 consistent in taking care of me. But there's just something deep 691 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:19,240 inside me where tells me if I'm not feeling safe emotionally, if 692 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:22,680 I'm not feeling like you're consistent in how you speak with 693 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:24,640 me, you could have been spoiling me and whatever. 694 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:28,320 But if I'm not feeling safe enough, then I don't trust you 695 00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,000 enough because what are you doing? 696 00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:32,400 Are you trying to test if I can send you money? 697 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,440 Because like like I said, this world is created. 698 00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:39,760 For men, he couldn't have borrowed his his men, other men 699 00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:41,840 in his life. He couldn't have asked them. 700 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:43,680 Why ask me. Why ask a woman? 701 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,040 I literally have. So many problems. 702 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:49,160 We're not even paid anywhere near what men are paid. 703 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:52,800 Like was he testing me? He's way richer than me so was 704 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:55,040 he testing me? Why was he asking me for money? 705 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:59,040 I had to break that off again. So please don't test people like 706 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,720 me. Just be a consistent friend. 707 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:03,240 That's enough. Be a good. 708 00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:06,560 Person if I can feel. Your intentions are genuine and 709 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:09,720 you're a kind person. You're going to enjoy what? 710 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:13,240 I have because I will. Give without restriction. 711 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:16,520 I will give without thinking. Twice if you are a. 712 00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:19,720 Constant, you know, support in my life and you're actively in 713 00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:21,680 my life. That's a rapport we probably 714 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:23,480 built where we're able. To share and take. 715 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:26,040 Care of each other, but. Out of nowhere that's not 716 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,920 happening and I don't want men to borrow me money again. 717 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:31,440 Unless. They are a significant part. 718 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:34,840 Of my life, which even that is crazy because even the men in my 719 00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:36,400 life don't. I've never. 720 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:39,120 Yeah, I don't want to, Zoisha, just be a man. 721 00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:41,280 You're always talking about Am a man a moment. 722 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:43,880 Just be a man all the way. Be a man. 723 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:46,960 Stand on the patriarchy and just keep being a man. 724 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:49,560 I hope you guys enjoyed. This episode, these are just. 725 00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:51,960 My feelings. You'll tell me what you think, 726 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,560 and then we can talk. About it later. 727 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:56,160 So leave comments, tell me what you think. 728 00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:57,800 Maybe I was. Harsh, but I just. 729 00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,560 Spoke up my mind and I'd love to. 730 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:03,720 Hear your feedback on this. So catch me next time.