As I've grown older, I realized that the dynamics in my
relationships have been shifting and some of these things have
been very difficult to go through because especially when
you're younger, 21/22/23, you've kind of made friends or
friendships that you would hope would last forever.
And I don't know, at that age, I was really, I don't know, siku
qua na joaqua touch visuri qua tus.
And this meant that breakups were horrendous for me.
I mean, anytime I would be breaking up with a friend or I'd
have to let a relationship go, it was something that kept me
stuck for so long. And one of the differences I've
realized, like one of the shifts in dynamics I realized in my
relationships is not just romantic relationships, but all
sorts of relationships in general.
I always say, if if you've been listening to my podcast for a
while, you'll know the history of where I've been, what I've
been doing. So it'll kind of make sense.
But if you've not been here long enough, I could update you in
like 2 seconds. That I have gone through a
series of losses and grief throughout the last few years.
Things to do with losing, not nothing serious like this, but
like losing jobs, my mom getting sick, having to move out from my
parents home, so many different types of losses.
And I discuss them and tell you guys how I maneuvered and how I
actually went and got through them.
So through these experiences I've learned that even in
relationships and friendships, as they end, it will definitely
feel like your world is crashing sometimes.
But as I've grown older, I've realized that I don't know if
it's becoming a pro or it's becoming secure or it's becoming
sort of avoidant, but you learn to handle grief and loss a bit
better. Not that it's not painful or it
doesn't hurt as much. Sometimes it could even be worse
than anything you've ever felt before.
But you you're able to give yourself a bit more grace.
As you get older, you're able to be a bit more understanding.
Letting go is a bit easier. It's not easy.
It's just a bit easier because now you're a bit more aware and
intentional in the things that you do.
So when something isn't really aligning with the things that
you believe in or the things that you want to keep in your
life, you know that it's easier for you to let go of it so that
you can attract and keep the things that are better for you.
So that's one something that's something that I've realized.
I've realized that as these dynamics are shifting, as you
grow older, your priorities start to change.
You become more and more protective of your space, of
your peace. Even things like communication
changes because now you're busier.
Guys are chasing money, like currently.
Actually, I was supposed to record this episode in December
because a lot of my friends are getting married.
I was feeling, I don't know what I was feeling.
I don't know what word would describe the feeling, but it
started to register in my brain that my age mates were actually
getting hitched and having babies.
Very intentionally. Sizing to shuttle Castigia.
Oops. Sizing.
The guys are actually doing it very intentionally and for some
reason my mind has just never thought in that direction very
seriously. I'm consistently thinking about
what can I buy for myself? How can I improve my family's
life? I've not really been
prioritizing my relationships that much.
I don't know if it's me suffering the trauma or losing
so many of my friends and it's tongue, but I want to talk about
the good side of friendship that I've been experiencing and the
side that has been leaving me feeling a bit meh about
everything. So as you grow older, the
community starts to change because people are different,
people are going through different things.
These people who are losing their parents is well, are you
losing their businesses? These people who their
businesses are booming, they're travelling more, they just put
their fuck their cars, they're buying homes, they're making
babies, they're having new boyfriends.
I think the newest thing in my life right now is that my cat,
her name is Honey. Honey is pregnant and she's
going to have babies within the month.
So that's the most. Oh, and I'm seeing someone new.
Is it seeing dating? I don't know.
I will talk about him.
Maybe tell you guys a little bit about how happy this guy has
been keeping me. Lakini, Vituzina Change.
Navituni Mingi no una pataki age maybe Nico 29 years old una
pataki age Not everyone has the time to keep updating each other
on what they're doing. And like I said, sometimes you
start to feel a bit like something that has changed for
me this year is I started feeling a bit, not a bit very
much more protective of my privacy, very protective of the
things I'm doing for myself in my life.
Sometimes my mom is my best friend, but sometimes I don't
even tell her everything because I feel like telling people
things just jinx. Is it so, so many things are
changing. And if you're not In Sync or if
you're not being super intentional about being friends,
then friendships are dying a natural death.
You know, something I was thinking about this week is how,
for example, in heterosexual romantic relationships, and I
say heterosexual because because a lot of girls were dating men,
they don't know, they don't know this feeling, but some people
who are dating women know this feeling.
Did you know that when a man likes you, he wants to spend
time with you and like not once a month, he wants to spend time
with you all the time. And no, not at home in the
bedroom fucking or watching Netflix.
Like he, he actually will plan stuff.
He will plan stuff. He will invite you, he will
bring you along. It doesn't matter if he saw you
yesterday and the day before and the day before or if all you're
going to do is go to the car wash and wash the car and then
he'll take you back home. Or you're going to watch a game,
a football game that you know nothing about.
Did you know that he'll actually listen when you tell him you're
feeling some type of way and you need maybe emotional support and
he's not just going to ignore you?
Did you know that that's something that have?
I say this because as your standards go higher and as you
improve and you stay intentional in your relationships, you
actually get to experience the good things, the good side of
relationships. When you work on yourself,
you're able to notice good people and those are the people
you're going to choose for yourself.
So it takes a lot of intentionality.
I brought that up because not a lot of people are in
relationships where they they feel like they can count even on
their friends. And let me talk a little bit
about that. The reason I have been very
protective of my space and my energy and everything about me
is that I feel like even now I'm highly intuitive.
By the time I was, I was invited somewhere and I was seated at a
table and I just knew even before I said anything, I just
knew the people at that table have been talking shit about me.
It's not about they didn't treat me badly.
They didn't say anything mean to me.
They were very nice, very welcoming, but there's just an
energy where you can tell these people don't like me.
And something one thing else I've noticed is, you know,
especially someone like me who's child free and married, I've not
come out to say I'm dating anyone like I'm in a
relationship. I've not shown up even in my
friendship group with a lover to say this is you get cheated some
type of way. I don't know if many people feel
this, but I realized that invitations are not as much
intention. I mean, you can tell.
You can tell, but when you're the single friend amongst groups
where everyone is hitched or a parent, sometimes maybe it's the
circle that was in at that time. But I was able to feel, yeah, I
don't fit here because even the conversations are different.
I have nothing to say about kids.
I have nothing to say about my age, my dreams and my goals are
very, very different. So most of the time that like a
conversation, but I do not float.
Maybe people are feeling weird about inviting me because they
can tell that there's a there's an energy of not being able to
relate with each other anymore. Like major life events.
Sometimes you feel left out even if you attend these things.
There's just like a difference in the communication.
There's a difference in it's not the same anymore and when
especially you're neuro divergent, it's difficult for
you to fake it and act like you're just fine and
everything's OK, especially when the energy is not right.
But if there's something that I've been learning in
relationships and friendships as well, is that if you truly care
about someone, it's important to show up.
And showing up is not just money because I have that habit of
sending money and then not showing up to people's
invitations. Like if someone invites you to
their birthday, just show up if you can.
And the other, the alternative was staying home to sleep, even
if you need to rest. I mean, you know what I mean,
within reasonable thought. If you can show up, I'm Tom.
If you want to me lose job, show up for people if you can because
it truly, truly matters. This is something I was really
struggling with, but I think I've become a better friend when
it comes to communicating. And I realized even my
communication has improved because now I have people in my
life that I want. I'm not around people who I have
to fake that I want to be around or I have to hide my
personality. It's just a bit easier for me
now to communicate like, hey, I'm not coming.
I love you, but I don't feel like coming or I'm going to come
for 5 minutes and then I'm going to leave.
And I'm realizing the people around me are much more
understanding as well. They have, they are on my level
when it comes to listening and hearing and showing up.
So it just makes the relationship so much easier.
By the way, I ended up dropping everyone who was just a lip
service. You know, there's people who are
in your life and listen, I'm not saying there's anything wrong
with them or that you should cut them off.
It just depends with the kind of showing up that you require for
yourself in the relationship. There's so many people in my
life who gave me a lot of lip service.
You know, I love you. I want to be in your life.
Please don't give up on me. I want us to be.
I want to be your friend. I want to be what?
But I was realizing that I was carrying the bulk of the
relationship with the consistent planning, showing up, asking,
staying, walking, walking. And after a while, it just gets
draining when the relationship is not feeling reciprocated.
And you see it's a fine line between being very understanding
and showing grace because sometimes the other person that
you're trying to be friends with is actually going through stuff.
This time. You will go through seasons
where people go through grief, people go through loss, people
have mental illnesses, people are broke.
They're not going to to be able to show up in the ways that they
usually did. But it takes a lot of
discernment for you to be able to say, hey, I know this is not
how you usually are, but I'm willing to stick it out with you
until we get through to the other side, no matter what it
takes or how long it takes. But these people who just never
show effort, they have never since day one, they just talk
and talk and talk and say, this is what I want, this is what we
should do this. But they never really actually
show up. It's so important that you're
able to descend between the people who sacrifice and
compromise and the people who just keep you around because
they want to suck your energy. They love feeling loved by you.
They love being able to brag about you being in their life,
even if it's not to other people, to themselves.
They just love being able to say.
Or sometimes they're just enjoying your peaceful, calm,
beautiful, happy energy. But there's nothing but they're
pouring into the relationship. And I get it, we don't always
have to be giving the same, but at least something.
Una Joy is a relationship, Zenituko.
Except to your Mamako, it's only your mother who can love you
unconditionally. Everyone else is expecting
something from you, whether it's company, sex, kisses,
affirmation, good energy, love, money, peace, whatever it could
be. When there's no give and take,
it's almost as if there's no effort being registered towards
growing and helping the relationship thrive.
OK, that's me on a personal level.
When I do my introspection and I'm thinking, how does this
person make me feel? If it's blank, then there's no
need for us to be calling each other friends because we don't
hang out, we don't talk, we don't update each other on
anything. And listen, there's friendships
that can withstand that. But remember I said there's a
very big difference. You will always be able to tell
between someone who actually loves and gives a fuck and
someone who just talks, but there's nothing that they're
doing to put any energy towards the relationship that you're
trying to build. I say this because as you get
older, you need a lot of intentionality in the things
that you're doing, whether it's in business, in romance, in
relationships. You need a lot of
intentionality. You need people that you can
trust to come through for you, whether it is in sickness or in
health. You need people that you can
count on. You need people that you can cry
to, people you can laugh with. You actually need to put a lot
of intention when it comes to building a community.
This is not something that just happens by chance.
The kids to your, the uncle, the relatives to your kids are going
to be the friendships that you've been building.
The people who will come to eat with Junior Machoma are the
people you've been loving on. There's no one else.
I mean, you could invite anyone to eat, but you know what I
mean? So building community and
friendships and relationships takes a lot more intention than
sometimes you may think. That's why it's super important
to be very intentional. I said my mom has been my best
friend and she truly is a constant in my life because I
tell her everything and she always shows up for me.
But you know, that's how I'm able to notice a difference with
other relationships because let me give an example.
The last job that I had, I was talking about when you're single
and child 3, how you're treated a bit differently in
friendships. The last job that I had, we used
to change some money monthly to Kilipwa.
It was like a charmer. I don't know.
I don't know if it's called a merry go round and everyone
would Chuck some money. This money would go towards
making sure that in case there's someone who needs Chango,
there's some money somewhere in a Kitty.
So that is a month when you're not able to contribute.
And some of the events that the money would go towards was
grief. Let's say if you experience loss
of a close family member, like in the nuclear family, if you're
getting married, if you're doing a Russia, if you're doing a baby
shower. I don't know if graduation was
there, but most of the events were around you having family.
So at that time I was not really close to my family like that.
And I had just moved out into my own space.
I was really struggling with pills.
It was really crazy. I was consistently scared of
sleeping hungry. I was always so stressed out
about money. And I realized nobody really
cared. There's no one who asked me.
You know, you've, you're just moved out.
Do you have cuttings? Do you have food at your house?
Are you able to pay rent? But the money in the Kitty would
consistently go to the people who are in relationships, the
people who are getting married, the people who have having kids.
So I figured out that if I was going to be single, nobody was
really ever going to care about me or care to check in or care
to wonder if I'm fine. And if I have, it's almost as if
the world just doesn't notice you.
You have to be hitched or connected to someone or some
family for people to remember that you need help as well.
And this went on even when you know my friends who at that time
in relationships that were a bit more personal, our only
colleagues. So maybe you wouldn't take it
personally, but people that now are a bit closer to me.
Like I said, I realized the invites would almost seem like I
don't know last minute, you know, like someone invited me
someone who I considered really close.
I just give out eco podcast. Someone I considered really
close to me had never talked to me about their husband, never
were friends, had never. I didn't even know they were
dating. Invited me to their wedding.
I'm thinking isn't a wedding something so intimate?
How do you invite me to your wedding and I know nothing about
your husband. OK, fine, I don't know nothing
about him. But even if I come, wouldn't?
I don't know, it just seems a bit pretentious for me because I
wouldn't invite someone to my wedding that I haven't spoken to
in so many years. Why?
Why would I do that? Seems a bit bizarre, right?
As is true to Roberta's fashion, of course I contributed money to
them. But I was thinking, how many
times will I contribute to people I haven't spoken to in
years while nobody ever checked up on me when my mom had cancer?
That's true. 3 two years ago and I finally opened up, opened up
about it. Not many people really called me
to check in on me and ask me if I needed anything, especially
the people that I considered my friends.
I had to lose and shed so much dead weight.
I had to. That situation alone showed me
Annie. What will it take for people to
remember that I'm a human being who has feelings and I also go
through stuff and I need to be considered in friendship
especially. And then it reminded me of when
I was doing my graduation party and I sent out my graduation
party invites and no one showed up.
The party only had my mom's friends.
Not even the guy I was seeing at that time showed up.
And you see that reckoning when it hits you and you realize, Oh
my goodness, these people don't even know me.
They don't even like me. Nobody actually checks in on me.
Nobody checks in to know if I have food.
They just assume because I'm always so fine and you know,
well kept and I always show up. Everyone just assumes my life is
I don't need anything or I don't need anyone.
And this is this shows up a lot, especially when people say they
connect to men like Fanika. So you come and you so angry
men's like recognizable Sasa Nanisawa lakinia kunam
tufikiriya Mina Naita G pesa. What makes you not think that
maybe I don't even have shopping at at home or maybe I haven't
even paid my light bill. Or maybe this time I need you to
show up for me or I don't even need you to give me any money.
I have a blog, I have a podcast. Go and share my stuff.
Go and share my link. Tell your friends about it.
But people are consistently asking give me this post this
for me, do this for me. It's like I Kwani everyone just
consistently thinks about themselves and if you don't take
a step back and give yourself the attention that you need and
the time to just love yourself without expecting from anyone
else, you will get drained and you will not see sick way.
Receive kasababu Mimi skukuanam Toto Mimi skukuanaza Mimi
skukuana katiana which I find is very unfair.
Someone should have asked me, can I buy you a thermos or a hot
pot or a plate or a cup for your house?
You just recently moved out? But anyway, it has, like I was
saying, this checkpointing has helped me remove idlers from my
life and to focus more on myself and the quality of relationships
that I I want. I mean, it's not easy and it
needs, it requires a lot of choosing myself and a lot of
letting go. But it's worth it because I have
ended up somewhere where I'm truly happy with the kind of
relationships I've been able to build.
I'm happy with the people in my life right now.
People who show up for me consistently, people I can count
on, people I can call, people I love, people who want me in
their lives, people who show me that they want me in their lives
consistently. I have no doubts whatsoever.
I'm consistently feeling needed. And in time, it is teaching me
to be able to ask for help and love and good feelings as well.
It's different, but it's fine. And part of this discovery and
growth is accepting that you will have to go to different
seasons and phases. And sometimes it'll come with a
lot of loss. But at the same time, it will be
replaced with a lot of beautiful, more refined
relationships. As long as you're being
intentional with the kind of standards that you want for
yourself. Even within married circles,
kuna levels, kuna levels even amongst single people, only kuna
levels, even amongst people who don't have kids and have kids.
There's so many differences because we're all living very
different lives. But the people who we
consistently choose you and show you grace and communicate and
show up and love you, you will always feel it in your heart.
Even if you guys are apart or are separated by continents, you
also have to realize that you can't go everywhere we were with
everybody. You have to allow yourself to
for the things in your life to just follow in alignment.
Even within present circles. It's important that you look out
for how you feel because some people would will drain you.
Kunawa Tangina and Akanga working go through Mashida
consistently, negativity consistently.
Yani Niko point in my life where I'm realizing I have to be super
intentional with everything because it actually matters.
The choices I'm making right now are very much informing the kind
of person I'll be in 10 years, and I want to enjoy life
consistently. The best way to have better
friends is also by being a better friend.
You can't just sit and expect. You actually have to become and
do. You have to show up and you have
to be, you have to be someone who provides comfort, trust,
love. You have to work on your
traumas, your emotional needs. You have to work on your
mindset. You have to work on your money
because it it is expensive hanging out with your friends
and being around each other. It's not cheap as well.
Like it's a very wholesome sort of growth.
You have to work on yourself wholesomely so that you're able
to enjoy the best sort of relationships.
Relationships also require a lot of forgiving, a lot of
appreciation, a lot of grace. And I'm learning that it's
normal to outgrow people. It's normal to feel weird, it's
normal to feel, to also make mistakes and to hurt people and
to get hurt by people. Maybe the people who love you
the most are the people who are going to hurt you the most.
That's what I'm saying. Takes a lot of grace and
forgiveness and kindness for you to be able to move past and walk
on and fix relationships. But the one thing that you will
require over and over and over is the intentionality and
wanting to show up and wanting your friends.
See, I hope this episode will leave you thinking about the
kind of friendships that you're cultivating right now.
Think about if you're happy and if you feel loved and wanted
within your circle. Mimi Saisi I feel very content
with the kind of friends I'm around.
I'm around people who are helping me level up in so many
ways, and I'm making new friends consistently.
And I'm also breaking up with a lot of people.
But I'm very fine with how things are.
I think I'm getting the hang of how these things walk, but it is
a roller coaster. I'm also learning to show myself
grace so that I'm able to be loved in the right way.
In the previous episode about I think emotion versus logic, I
talked about how I always have these meetings with my friends
where I asked them, how can I be a better friend?
And then I listen to their feedback and I do my best on
trying to be better. So checking in even with your
friends on how you are emotionally, constantly being
aware of the things that you need to nourish your friendship.
It matters. Love your friend and show up for
them and be very intentional. Do not take a back banner and
then expect the same love. I mean, there's people who will
still love you like that, but don't be a lazy lover.
Love is action, so it has to show up.
Think about the kind of friendships you require and let
me know in the comments section what you think about this
episode.