1 00:00:24,620 --> 00:00:27,820 I was just chilling and I realized it's been, it's been 2 00:00:27,820 --> 00:00:31,060 over a year now, almost two years, OK, over a year now. 3 00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:33,260 And I can tell you guys this story. 4 00:00:33,260 --> 00:00:37,380 So in my lifetime, I have been proposed to four times marriage, 5 00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:41,060 all before the age of 30. And I'm talking proposal with a 6 00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:42,940 ring. Those are the ones I'm counting. 7 00:00:42,940 --> 00:00:44,740 I'm not talking the ones for, oh, I'll marry you. 8 00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:48,860 I'm talking a man actually going getting me a ring and asking me 9 00:00:48,860 --> 00:00:51,120 will you marry me? And the last time this happened 10 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:53,480 was in 2024. I was dating this guy. 11 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:56,480 I think I've written about him, but I will put out one more 12 00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:01,320 article about him. I was dating this guy, an 13 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,720 Italian man, very romantic, very amazing. 14 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,720 Actually the relationship was was OK. 15 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:10,080 Let me tell you the story so that you can judge for yourself 16 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,240 what the relationship was like at this time. 17 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,120 I was just coming off the privacy. 18 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:18,000 I was just coming up of employment and I was trying to 19 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:22,760 figure out unemployment, how to make money and survive off on my 20 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:27,240 own without depending on anyone else, trying to create multiple 21 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:29,480 streams of income so that I could be very comfortable 22 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:34,040 financially. And I was was I lonely or was I 23 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,880 bored? I was actually, I had actually 24 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:39,240 just broken up with this guy that I was, I thought I was 25 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:43,040 mildly in love with. And we, we, we keep doing this 26 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,440 on and off, off and on thing. And this time we had broken up. 27 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:51,800 So I was going through my contact list looking for who I'm 28 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:55,440 going to call because I was bored and I saw this man's name, 29 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,720 let's call him Alejandro. So I saw Alejandro's name and 30 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,440 I'm like, oh, I haven't spoken to him in so many years, like 31 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,240 4-5 years. Maybe I should give him a call 32 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,760 and see how he's doing. And I called him and immediately 33 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,240 he picked up and he was so excited. 34 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,840 Roberto, Roberto, how are you, my darling? 35 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:17,480 I missed you. And he planned a date for the 36 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,440 next day. The reason he was able to plan, 37 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,560 I did that fast. First of all, I told you guys I 38 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,840 was, I think I was lonely and I wanted to go and eat somewhere 39 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:28,840 nice, of course. And I I wanted the company. 40 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,960 I mean, I had missed being romanced. 41 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,880 I wasn't thinking of anything other than that at this point, 42 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,400 but I was, I was like, it's OK, let me, I wasn't thinking other 43 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,920 like anything beyond going on a nice date and coming back home 44 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,840 and maybe reconnecting and then that's it. 45 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:48,080 So that night for the restaurant, I found that he had 46 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:52,760 booked out, closed out the whole restaurant so that we could have 47 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,720 a romantic dinner just the two of us. 48 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:59,000 And he decorated the whole place with so many flowers. 49 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,880 It was really, really easy to want to find new Aqua Aqua 50 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:04,600 movies Instagram. It was really, really actually 51 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,040 romantic and beautiful. And he's a chef by profession 52 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:09,600 and the restaurant is actually his. 53 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,600 So This is why he was able to do this. 54 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:14,000 And he made all the meals himself. 55 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:17,680 It was a full cost meal. Amazing food, amazing 56 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,800 experience. There was a band to play music 57 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:25,280 for us and he fed me and we drunk wine and it was just 58 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,600 really, really super romantic. And from that day on, he just 59 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,800 told me you're my girlfriend, I want you to be my girlfriend 60 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,000 'cause I'm a saw, you know, this was not a stranger, this was 61 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,320 someone I actually knew, so why not? 62 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,360 And we officially started dating. 63 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,560 The relationship was amazing because he was really romantic 64 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,880 and he was taking care of me, but I was coming from a 65 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,880 relationship with someone who would ignore me for days. 66 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,960 Like he wouldn't talk to me. He'd go a whole day without 67 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,320 speaking with me, sometimes weeks, sometimes months. 68 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,560 And now it's like I had conditioned myself to think this 69 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,720 is what relationships are. I'm supposed to be there just 70 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,760 waiting, and my lover is supposed to be living his life 71 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,480 completely forgetting that I exist. 72 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,800 So I wasn't used to someone being present, someone needing 73 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,320 communication. I had now become the one who was 74 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:14,840 avoidant in this relationship because my lover Alejandro was 75 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:19,279 was wondering why I was so against being together all the 76 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:21,279 time and spending time all the time. 77 00:04:21,399 --> 00:04:25,840 He would pick me up after at work to go to him to go with him 78 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:29,120 to breakfast, and then he'd pick me up for for lunch again. 79 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,880 And then we'd have dinner together every day. 80 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,640 And most times I was spending the night at his house. 81 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,360 So sometimes you just wake up and go to breakfast and then I'd 82 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,160 go to work. And after a while he started 83 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:44,160 being cross about me walking. He was like, you know, so we can 84 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:47,360 spend much more time together. I think you should just stop 85 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,400 working as much and I'm going to give you the money. 86 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,040 In the beginning it was nice because he was giving me the 87 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,920 money. He was giving me the money to 88 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,320 stay out of work. I mean, I could afford to be 89 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,040 with him all day and he would give me the money. 90 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:01,240 He was taking care of everything. 91 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,880 He was paying for everything, my rent, my bills, and I was 92 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,520 spending all my time and at his house anyway. 93 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,640 So I didn't even need to to shop at in my house or to do 94 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,600 anything. I just used to go to my house to 95 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,840 pick my stuff, change stuff and come back. 96 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:17,480 He actually did shopping for everything at my house. 97 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,200 He bought me bags at his house. He bought me bags, clothes, 98 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,840 shoes, all the oils that I use, all the perfumes that I use so 99 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:27,000 that I didn't have an excuse to want to go to my my place. 100 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,720 In the beginning, this was beautiful because it felt like I 101 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,840 was in love and this man was adoring me. 102 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,680 He was actually everything that I've ever, ever wanted in a man. 103 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,440 He was everything. When I described the man who's 104 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:42,320 my type, he absolutely was Loving, reassuring, emotionally 105 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:47,440 present, sweet, thoughtful, considerate, patient, forgiving. 106 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:51,920 We laughed so much together. We always told stories at some 107 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:53,560 point. I feel like my life revolved 108 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:57,320 around his because now I was always waiting for us to do for 109 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,160 him to tell us the plan for what the day was. 110 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,360 He tell me, oh, I have a meeting with so and so I have to go 111 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:03,680 here. I have to do this. 112 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:05,320 But after that, can we please do this? 113 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,800 So I found myself avoiding my family and friends, not 114 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,360 intentionally, but I go weeks without speaking with them or 115 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,760 seeing them. I love to host a lot at my 116 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:18,080 house, but I was going so long without even my friends coming 117 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,600 over or anyone seeing me for that matter. 118 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,280 And in this moment I started to realize that I it's like, can I 119 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:27,000 call it isolation? You know, people usually think 120 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,920 that, but when these things are happening, they're usually 121 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:32,200 coming from violence. It's like he takes you and he 122 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:35,520 closes you up in a basement. No, this man was actually 123 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:39,120 providing the perfect life for me, but I had no time. 124 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,800 Even going to the salon was was a problem because I had to find 125 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:46,680 time between when I wasn't having lunch with him or when I 126 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,120 wasn't having afternoon coffee with him that I could rush to 127 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:53,160 get my hair done and come back. I couldn't even really hang out 128 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,680 with my friends that much because he always wanted to be 129 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:57,960 around me. Like we did everything together, 130 00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,720 even shopping, even going to the mall. 131 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:03,280 We absolutely had nothing. I absolutely had nothing else I 132 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,800 was doing. His friends became my friends. 133 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,280 His life became my life. And you see in this moment, 134 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,800 especially as a woman, you're thinking this is what a 135 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,880 relationship is supposed to be like. 136 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,960 Especially if you've never been in a very healthy relationship, 137 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,960 you're thinking this is what it is. 138 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,480 I'm supposed to be very submissive and this is my man. 139 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:26,440 Now I'm supposed to to settle and build a home and start a 140 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,760 life. But I was also getting so tired 141 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,280 because it was performative. Hanging around him all the time 142 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:35,080 mean means I had to look dolled up all the time. 143 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:39,720 And that's not my personality. I'm very mostly introverted. 144 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,160 I like to spend a lot of time at home by myself, doing my own 145 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,640 things. It was starting to affect me 146 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,840 because I was starting to be very exhausted and then I wasn't 147 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,360 showing up. Even for my personal project. 148 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:54,400 I was cancelling a lot of work, meaning I was losing a lot of 149 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,040 money in the process. And even though I was getting 150 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,040 compensated, it just felt. It just didn't feel right. 151 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,000 Something within me did not feel right. 152 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,760 Remember this whole time this man is very romantic. 153 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,880 Even in the shower, like he used to wash me, he used to carry me 154 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,960 from the shower to the bed, he used to oil my body, apply my 155 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,240 skin, all the perfumes. He used to buy me anything I 156 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,880 want. We used to spend so much time 157 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,320 talk about the perfect boyfriend. 158 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:22,560 We used to watch all our shows together, we used to eat, he fed 159 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,800 me all the time. I don't remember ever once 160 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:30,240 cooking, making anything even boiling water in a relationship 161 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,280 with him and even when I was at my house he would send me food 162 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:37,080 directly from the restaurant so I really never had to struggle 163 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,080 about anything. He completely took care of me 164 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:45,080 and he never once seemed exhausted or annoyed or like I 165 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,320 was an inconvenience. It actually made him happy to 166 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,720 show up for me and I think this is the first time I was I was 167 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:56,440 experiencing like a true provider man who did not need or 168 00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:00,120 require anything from me. Well, I have been dating men who 169 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:06,720 provide. But you see this moment, there's 170 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,880 nothing I did for myself. And if I could, if he could 171 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,680 carry me everywhere I had to go, I'm sure he would. 172 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,640 If he could hire someone to just carry me so I didn't have to 173 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,800 walk, he absolutely would. He absolutely took care of me. 174 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:23,440 So one time we were just chilling. 175 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,480 We had just had a really beautiful dinner. 176 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,600 And even even when we're at home just chilling in the house, he 177 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,440 would still make me like full meal costs all the way from 178 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:35,240 appetizers to dessert. He loved to spoil me and to feed 179 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,920 me. And I don't know if you're a 180 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,440 woman, you know how this this how important this is because 181 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,640 my, my last boyfriend, I asked him to buy for me cake and he, 182 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,800 he asked me how many times do I have to tell you that I'm broke. 183 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,640 He was so rude to me just because he couldn't buy me the 184 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:55,160 cake. So to avoid such situations, I 185 00:09:55,160 --> 00:10:00,520 always try to date people who do not fear, like do not have fears 186 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:05,640 around money because it will start to it will start to 187 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,120 trickle down into my belief system of money. 188 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,960 And also I don't like the way it makes people rude when they're 189 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,960 struggling with their own stuff because I also do be going 190 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,680 through stuff, but I don't get rude. 191 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:20,680 So Alejandro, of course, there were red shrugs here and there. 192 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:24,560 Like as much as emotionally available he was, he also would 193 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:27,440 really throw tantrums. He also he had a lot of issues 194 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,000 with people's talking to me, looking at me, saying hi to me 195 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,120 and this is quite inevitable because a lot of people know my 196 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,400 face. He would get super jealous and 197 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:38,720 he wouldn't really fight me but he'd do this. 198 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,640 He'd throw Moody tantrums like expecting me to assure him and 199 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:46,080 and reassure him over and over again over strangers that I did 200 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:48,400 not know. So this was very strange to me 201 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,120 considering Alejandro was a man in his 50s. 202 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,120 He threw the worst emotional tantrums. 203 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,440 I used to get over them really quickly, but I'd noticed they 204 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:58,880 were starting to become more frequent. 205 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,520 The more he took me outside, the more people noticed me and the 206 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,680 more annoyed he'd get that I was getting so much attention. 207 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,760 He just wanted me to be his and for him only one time. 208 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,720 We were just chilling. And then he said, you know, 209 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,760 Bobby, we've been dating for a while now. 210 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,400 You've been my girlfriend and I think I'm ready to take this to 211 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,400 the next step. I want to ask you to marry me, 212 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,080 to be honest. You know you're supposed to 213 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,840 feel, I think when you're with a lover and you're in love with 214 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,240 them yes, I had started falling in love with him and you're in 215 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,040 love with them. You start to feel like this 216 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,960 would be the right thing for them to do like this is what you 217 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,360 want. But for some reason this felt it 218 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,760 didn't feel right. It felt like I wasn't sure that 219 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:40,920 I wanted to be with Alejandro as a married woman because I was 220 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,600 already kind of feeling very small that. 221 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,880 And at this point, I had such a resuming walk, but I felt like I 222 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:52,000 had to hide to go to work or I had to or I had to go behind his 223 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,640 back to devise ways to make money for myself. 224 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,600 Because I started to think about, OK, what if he just 225 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,320 decides he's done with me? Like how many actually are? 226 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,680 What am I going to do after months out of the workforce, 227 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:07,360 after months of not of snubbing like business advances, It 228 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,880 wasn't going to make sense. So actually I had such a going 229 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,040 back to work. I couldn't even talk to my 230 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,960 parents about this marriage proposal. 231 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,760 I couldn't even talk to my friends. 232 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:19,400 And this is how I knew that my answer was going to be no. 233 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:23,040 And the next day when we met, he asked me to meet him for lunch. 234 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:26,040 Guess where we met at? We met at at the Jewelers to 235 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,680 look at rings. We looked at the rings and there 236 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:32,680 was so many, many beautiful rings, different stones. 237 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,400 And I definitely saw the ring of my dreams. 238 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:40,240 It was way out of his budget, but he said he could definitely 239 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,400 upgrade me in a few in a couple of years. 240 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:47,720 So I took a ring that was much less still as expensive, but a 241 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:54,760 bit much less by like $1000. And that's when I started to 242 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,440 realize that this this proposal marriage thing was actually 243 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:00,720 real. He paid and they were going to 244 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:04,760 have the ring resized for me and customized to my liking. 245 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,960 And then he was going to propose within the same week. 246 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,120 He tells me, Bobby, you know, since there's nothing we're 247 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:15,280 doing in Nairobi, I want us to start looking at property and I 248 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,800 want us to move either to he's from Sicily. 249 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,440 So I want us to move either to Sicily or to move to the Kenyan 250 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,880 coast, Diani. I want us to have a beach front 251 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,640 house where we can just, we can retire there and we can live 252 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:29,560 life. We can. 253 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,800 This seems like, I don't know if it seems like love bombing or it 254 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,080 seems like things are being rushed. 255 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,320 OK, to me, it didn't feel like things were being rushed because 256 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,400 but this is someone I knew from before. 257 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,960 It's not the first time I'm meeting him. 258 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,680 This is someone I knew and this is very much his character. 259 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,920 This is how he is. He loves to move forward once he 260 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,040 knows what he wants. He's a man who knows what he 261 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,400 wants. And so it didn't feel off to me. 262 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,480 But the thing was, I had this deep, unsettling feeling without 263 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,080 me that am I sure this is what I want? 264 00:13:56,080 --> 00:14:00,000 Am I sure I want to be married, living in another country or 265 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,040 living in another town? And yes, it looks good. 266 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,600 He's going to buy me a house, he's going to buy me a car, he's 267 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,280 given me a ring, he's going to throw me the wedding I want. 268 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,800 But is this really, really that? And then to make things even 269 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,880 better, he's child free and I did not. 270 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,480 And I'm child free as well, so I knew I was never going to get 271 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,160 pressured to start making babies. 272 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:22,400 This was literally kookafunga. And I kept thinking, should I do 273 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:23,400 it? Should I do it? 274 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,000 Should I do it? I tried to float this idea 275 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,000 within my mom. My mom has always had a problem 276 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,840 with me dating white skinned people. 277 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,880 Which is crazy because most of the people I've dated this last 278 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,800 2-3 couple of years are white skinned people. 279 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,000 And my mom has always had beef. She says you know you can never 280 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,160 trust people who are not of your kind blah blah blah blah blah 281 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,080 blah. So I already knew what she was 282 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:48,280 going to say. Floating this idea, I saw where 283 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:51,680 the direction was headed. But then I decided to sit with 284 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:55,160 it for myself to just see how things unravel in this time. 285 00:14:55,160 --> 00:15:00,240 He had to travel back to his hometown in Sicily to figure out 286 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:03,720 stuff, family stuff. And I was left in Nairobi. 287 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,400 And for for that month, I was able to breathe. 288 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,360 I could finally go places without having to report where I 289 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,040 was. I could do things. 290 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,160 I have started to feel like he was my dad. 291 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,720 In the beginning he was my lover, but now it felt a bit 292 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,760 controlling. I had to check in, tell him 293 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,400 everything. All my plans revolved around if 294 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,680 he was going to finance them. It just felt like this was not 295 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,840 my personality. You see, when you're on the 296 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,240 other side of the coin, it seems very enticing. 297 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:31,720 It seems like that's the life I want. 298 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,080 I want a man who does everything, pays for everything, 299 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,880 does everything. But when you're actually in such 300 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:39,960 a relationship, you realize that it's not what it's cut out to 301 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:44,920 be, especially if you're a very independent woman who wants to 302 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:48,080 have her own stuff and her own successes and accolades. 303 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,920 Something just didn't feel right. 304 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,840 And I was starting to shift my mind from do I really, really 305 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,400 like, yeah, I really, really want a man who takes care of me. 306 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,880 But then do I really want a man who takes care of me like this? 307 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,560 It was starting to feel about a bit more controlling than it was 308 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,440 love. He's looking for property in 309 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,120 Sicily. He's looking for property in 310 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:12,200 Diani Minico 2 Appananzaka. I might actually be a wife by 311 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,520 December. I might actually be a wife. 312 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,920 This was in May. I might actually be a wife by 313 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,400 December. Crazy. 314 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,600 The relationship goes on and while he's in Sicily, I start 315 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,400 to, I decide to, I need to be honest with myself. 316 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,760 I need to, to, to realize that this is not the life that I 317 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,320 want. This is not what I'm cut out 318 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,560 for. And if we're being honest, I 319 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,720 can't, I can't settle for this. I can't be the kind of person 320 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,160 who is OK with being controlled, especially financially. 321 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,840 And I decided that I was going to break up with him. 322 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,600 I don't like how I handled the breakup because I just started 323 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,600 distancing myself. He'd want to see me. 324 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,400 And I tell him I wasn't available, which is true. 325 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,080 You know, I was actually walking. 326 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,320 I was busy walking, but then I I couldn't make time for him 327 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:59,560 anymore because time for him meant it was all I did. 328 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:04,440 I was always with him 24/7. And that's how I know 329 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:08,520 relationship. I was busy, I didn't see I was 330 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:13,160 out of town. I forgot. 331 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,440 I know because I've done that to someone before. 332 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,319 So when someone does that to me, I know. 333 00:17:17,319 --> 00:17:21,119 I know the relationship is over. It's time to start moving on and 334 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,400 living our own independent lives. 335 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,680 I could have done better. I could have broken up with him 336 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,280 better. His feelings are definitely 337 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,560 hard. When I finally came clean and 338 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,440 told him that I didn't think this was a relationship that I 339 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,480 wanted to be in, he cried. We cried together. 340 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,640 We had an honest conversation in the end. 341 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,040 And yeah, later he did try to get back with me. 342 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,760 He tried to. He said he was ready to adjust 343 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,920 and give me what I wanted instead. 344 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:48,840 But I felt like that was going to be unfair to make him have to 345 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:53,080 completely forfeit what he wanted in a life because because 346 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,120 I couldn't be that. I felt like he deserved exactly 347 00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:59,080 what he wanted, and I also deserved what I wanted. 348 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,440 I'm not going to say what I want here because I've been meeting 349 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,120 people who are pretending to be exactly that. 350 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:09,240 So I want to meet people organically and make the 351 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,280 judgment for myself if they're meeting the standards that I 352 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:15,560 require to be in a relationship. So yeah, that was the last time 353 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:19,240 someone proposed to me. Well, I kept the ring. 354 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,480 I kept the ring because he told me that I could. 355 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:25,600 And as he did all the other gifts that he told me, he was 356 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:29,120 actually a very generous, kind, sweet, patient man. 357 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,800 We just were not a fit. So many people, when I tell this 358 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,000 story, so many people ask me, why did you leave him? 359 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,960 You could have stared and you know, acquire the property, blah 360 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,720 blah blah. First of all, I wasn't at the 361 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,640 place mentally to even think that way. 362 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,640 And generally I don't think I'm the kind of person who would 363 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,280 take advantage of someone who's actually kind to me. 364 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:53,680 If it was an evil man, maybe. But like he was, he treated me 365 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,640 really well and even post breakup I was still able to 366 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,160 reach out in case I needed anything. 367 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,040 And that's the thing with dating upwards and dating people who 368 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,360 really love me and treat me well. 369 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:06,440 Most of my exes are still reliable to to date like I if I 370 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,760 need anything, I can, I don't do it. 371 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:12,720 But the kind of personality that they have, if I needed something 372 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:16,840 or if if I needed them, they'd still show up for me 100%, no 373 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,280 questions asked. That's something I appreciate 374 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:24,520 about my dating lives. I wanted to talk about this 375 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:29,920 proposal, the last proposal that I had, just because within that 376 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,360 story in itself, I hope you can see some of the red flags. 377 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,320 I don't want to outrightly tell you AT when a man does this. 378 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,640 You should see this when a man does this. 379 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:43,280 No, most of it has a lot to do with you knowing what you want 380 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,640 for yourself so that when something is happening that is 381 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,840 not for you, you're able to catch it fast and you're able to 382 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:52,680 communicate effectively without shame and fear so that you're 383 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,120 not stuck. And yeah, right now maybe I'd be 384 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:59,760 in Italy or maybe I'd be in Diani with my own house, but was 385 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,440 that something I was willing to sacrifice in that time? 386 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:06,000 No, maybe my mind could change later, but that's just it. 387 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,000 In that moment, I don't feel bad about making the decisions that 388 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,680 I made. I think it was more important 389 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:14,000 for me to be authentic and honest and to not hurt anyone, 390 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,400 myself or him in this relationship. 391 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,160 Well, of course we ended up getting hurt. 392 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,720 But it's fine. It was either that or me having 393 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,040 to go through a divorce before I'm 30. 394 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:29,160 So the lessons I learned from this relationship specifically 395 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,800 is stand up for myself. Well, I don't know if I've 396 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,280 learnt how to stand up for myself. 397 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:37,240 I'm still learning, but just know myself so well that I'm 398 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,080 able to know exactly what I want and not settle for the things 399 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,640 that I don't. I hope you've learnt or picked 400 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,360 up something from this episode about how I almost got married. 401 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,120 And yeah, marriage has been on my mind of late, kids have been 402 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,400 on my mind of late. Maybe I will debunk this in a 403 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,120 new episode, tell you exactly what I'm thinking about it. 404 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,640 My last relationship, I actually for second, I thought something 405 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,080 was going to grow from it. That's why the abrupt ending 406 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,280 threw me into immense heartbreak. 407 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,760 But it's fine. I will be fine. 408 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,160 I'm fine. I'm heeding. 409 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:09,640 Yeah. So think about it. 410 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,040 Do you really, really, really want a man who gives you 411 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,000 everything to the point that you have no autonomy? 412 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,640 Or do you want an alternative? Think about it. 413 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,800 Let me know in the comments. Let me know what feedback you 414 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:23,720 have. Talk to me. 415 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,800 I'd love to hear your experience and your thoughts. 416 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,800 Please follow me everywhere on social media. 417 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,480 My name is Roberta Bobby and keep watching me on the Citizen 418 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,400 TV show Daybreak every morning Tuesdays and on Dialogues of 419 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,840 Jaguero. I love love love the feedback to 420 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:39,480 rules.