1 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:25,040 This episode was a special request because someone messaged 2 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:29,520 me on Instagram and they asked me a very important question. 3 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:35,560 So let me go back and then come back to what this person 4 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,960 messaged me three years ago. I moved out of my parents house, 5 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,200 but it was not because I wanted to. 6 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,760 Things happened that pushed me to eventually having to move 7 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,680 out. I didn't move out like in the 8 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,720 best of terms, we weren't I wasn't on good terms with my 9 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,880 parents and I didn't think this was going to be difficult to 10 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,040 talk about. I guess I'm still, I'm not quite 11 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:01,400 there yet, but I'll, I'll still, I'll say as much as I can and 12 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:06,040 then as I keep on healing, maybe I'll able to talk about more 13 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,360 because healing is a very, it's not a linear process. 14 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,200 I mean, sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. 15 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,480 And also these are conversations I haven't had with my parents 16 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,240 yet. Now says we are at a space where 17 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:19,480 we really consider each other's feelings. 18 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,400 Like despite what we've been through in the past, we're 19 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,520 actually really working on our relationship with each other. 20 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,840 There's so much love and unity and much more peace. 21 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,840 So everyone is trying and everyone is pulling their socks 22 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,560 in their own way. So I think I'll try my my best 23 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,360 to tell this story with consideration, considering I 24 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,600 haven't, you know, had this conversation with them yet, 25 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,920 which means I probably should. But I think Nilifika 2 points me 26 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:46,040 when you're in Alicia. Forgive me to mob. 27 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:49,840 I will talk about it in my book when I finish writing it. 28 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,600 You'll be able to see. I have not quite mastered the 29 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:54,880 car. Is it the courage? 30 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:57,520 I don't know. A couple months ago I recorded 31 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:01,640 an episode on the dialogue the Jaguaro show and my mom was my 32 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:03,920 guest. I was interviewing her, asking 33 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:08,199 her if questions and like a month ago Jaguaro told me he was 34 00:02:08,199 --> 00:02:11,680 not able to upload the episode because I did not seem like 35 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,160 myself while it was in post production. 36 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:17,360 They felt like that video just wasn't me. 37 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,800 I wasn't the same the way I usually AM. 38 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,240 And it made sense when he said that. 39 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,200 It made sense to me because I don't know if it's because I 40 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,920 fear my parents or because I respect my parents. 41 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:32,120 I'm still trying to figure out the difference between the two 42 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,200 because I think it's it's the same. 43 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,280 I have respect for them now that I'm able to understand things 44 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:42,520 from a different point of view, like now that I have grace and 45 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,280 better understanding. But also, you see, I'm still 46 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,440 their kid. There's still a lot of things 47 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,680 I'm still angry about. There's still some things I've 48 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:54,640 had to teach myself to respect even though I do not agree with 49 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,240 because people are different and people react differently. 50 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,680 Someone can only meet you up to where like they've met 51 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,840 themselves. So I couldn't hold on to the 52 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:06,680 anger anymore. I just had to let go and forgive 53 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:10,320 so that we can focus on healing and moving on. 54 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,480 And this was joint effort. It wasn't. 55 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,640 I mean, it's, I feel like it started with me, but then I've 56 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,840 seen how it has transcended into everyone else. 57 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,640 It's the whole family pulling up their socks to become better. 58 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,960 Because I didn't move out of my home in the best Mimi Kwanzaa. 59 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,040 I was, I was such an academic child. 60 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:33,880 I was always deep in the books because that's what my parents 61 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,120 really, really wanted for me. I mean, I also love being in the 62 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:45,720 books, but not as much as I was. And being this kind of kid meant 63 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:50,640 that my parents weren't always there emotionally because my dad 64 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,480 was not there. He wasn't available either 65 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:56,360 because of work or just life in general. 66 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,000 And my mom was and wasn't around because, you know, she had to 67 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,520 work multiple jobs to keep the home afloat. 68 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:06,320 She was always very tired, exhausted, working really, 69 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,840 really hard because she did give us a good life. 70 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,320 The quality of life she gave us was amazing. 71 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,120 And she's maintained it all through up to now. 72 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,959 It's, I don't know, like now in such a thing. 73 00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:20,560 It's such a dilemma because I do understand she did fulfill her 74 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:24,840 roles as best as she felt she did as a parent, but she didn't 75 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,920 know any better. Like she she didn't know she 76 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:31,360 could do like the emotional bit as well, you know, And I think a 77 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,240 lot of parents fall into this trap and cycle of why, you know, 78 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,960 you're scared about the quality of life you're going to give 79 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,880 your child. And unfortunately, when you have 80 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,520 to be chasing the money, it's sometimes difficult to be 81 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,080 present emotionally. I just realized this about 82 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,840 myself because sometimes I find I'm on go mode and I don't stop 83 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,280 to breathe. I'm just walking, making money. 84 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:55,040 I forget that it's important for me to also feel love and enjoy 85 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,200 love. So that's where the dilemma 86 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,640 comes. When I moved out, it wasn't in 87 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:03,480 the best of circumstances. I feel like I was chased out 88 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,280 like it was happening over the years. 89 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,240 I always felt that pressure of I'm not really wanted in this 90 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,880 space. And so even when I moved out, 91 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:15,320 Tijuana, Janda Muvaji, I always dreamt about having my own space 92 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,120 and it's something I always wanted for myself. 93 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,160 But I was so scared. I was always a must in my books 94 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:24,440 consistently. So my plan was, I knew that as a 95 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,480 woman at some point, OK, everyone used to say the plan is 96 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:31,200 go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, blah blah 97 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,000 blah. Village in Afuatana, having a 98 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,480 job and getting married. I might never I get to spend 99 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:40,200 time with my parents because I was always doing school stuff 100 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:43,040 since I was a baby and my parents are always away. 101 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:48,120 So there was a lot of lacking of emotional, my emotional needs 102 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,560 being met. I feel like my parents are very 103 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:54,440 unavailable emotionally and this led to me always feeling 104 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,520 neglected. So I knew Nikki Mazachuo. 105 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,320 I just want to stay home with my parents. 106 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:00,800 I wasn't in a hurry to move out and I thought, you know, I'm a 107 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:06,280 girl, there's no rush. But then Kukanza Tukukukuku even 108 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,040 more. And so I had to find a way out. 109 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:12,440 I have to say, me earning money from a very young age, it really 110 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,600 helped me a lot because I've always been really good at like 111 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,360 stocking up and saving and keeping money away. 112 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,600 So I think that really helped me because that's how I've always 113 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,200 been, even since I was a child. And I think this stemmed from me 114 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,320 feeling like, you know, I felt like I was always neglected. 115 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,360 I was like the glass child. This made me feel like I was 116 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:35,440 never seen. I was never given the emotional 117 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,520 attention that I needed. Iliqua 2:00 AM I performing in 118 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,000 school? Am IA good, kid great. 119 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,480 Am I responsible? Fine. 120 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,640 So I always had to be responsible for myself and This 121 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,600 is why I learned. I don't want to say money 122 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,520 management but like to stack money up because I always felt 123 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,240 like I have to be responsible for myself. 124 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:55,080 That's why when it was time to move out, I was able to move out 125 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,000 of Nkona Shankar. How was I? 126 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:01,280 Where was I going to learn from? I could see that my dad, I 127 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,640 don't. I don't know what to say. 128 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,320 I want Kukua too, and I saw my mom struggle a lot. 129 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:11,040 As a woman, I really, really get her, but as her child, it's hard 130 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:14,480 for me to like to understand why I had to come into such a 131 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,520 situation. This led to me always being a 132 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,080 bitter kid because I was I was rebellious. 133 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,640 I didn't know how to handle emotions or to manage them or 134 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,680 even to discuss them. I didn't know it was the lack of 135 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:30,200 love that was causing me to act this way and to become this kind 136 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,280 of person. And I also didn't like being 137 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,280 told what to do. My dad was such a talker. 138 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,480 He was not a guy of his ward. He never kept his ward. 139 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,080 He used to, you know, talk big and give promises, but he had no 140 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,760 action. He had no involvement. 141 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,280 We basically had to beg him to be involved in our lives. 142 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,880 That's how crazy it was. I was deleting some emails on my 143 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:57,200 laptop a few weeks ago and I went down, down, down to emails 144 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:01,000 when I was in uni and I found an e-mail I had sent to my dad to 145 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,760 his office e-mail. And I read the e-mail and I 146 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,320 really cried because in that e-mail I was begging him to pay 147 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:10,040 my school fees. I was begging Yanni, my mom, she 148 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,720 used to. I don't know if I should go deep 149 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,960 into that. But anyway, my you know, because 150 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,520 I talked about consideration. Maybe I shouldn't talk about 151 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,680 that today, but it was a bad situation. 152 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,480 My mom in turn was always angry and I feel like she used to 153 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:26,240 project this anger onto me. I don't feel like she OK, it 154 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,440 felt like she hated me but I don't know if she was really 155 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,760 aware that this is how she was making me feel. 156 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,440 I've tried to have this conversation before and she 157 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,799 denied OK. Now she's done a lot of growth 158 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,520 and healing, so I know that the conversation will go different. 159 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,159 She'll apologize and she'll take accountability. 160 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:47,320 But me processing those emotions as a kid, it was just crazy. 161 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,640 It felt like she hated me and every time I brought it up I was 162 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,040 being gaslit. I made it my mission to just 163 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,240 fuck off. And my teenage hood was 164 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:58,160 especially hell. There was constant fights and 165 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:02,000 friction and anger and shouting. I grew up in a house that was 166 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,920 really chaotic. Like it had it had, it had 167 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,040 violence, it had abuse. It was just crazy. 168 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:12,680 So I got my first job at 17 and I guess that's where I never 169 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,200 stopped. The abuse was physical, 170 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,560 emotional, financial. And This is why I have a lot of 171 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,200 poverty trauma. Like I have a lot of fear of 172 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:25,040 being poor because I used to see how my mom would struggle, like 173 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:28,880 to give us a certain life and she would give all her life into 174 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,240 that. Which like I said, I really get 175 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,800 it as a parent. From a parent's point of view, I 176 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,880 really understand because she did manage to give us that life, 177 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:41,360 but then it made her a really angry woman who was never 178 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,800 available. It's taken so long for me to 179 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,080 even teach my mom to say I love you back. 180 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:49,280 At least now we're there. But you can imagine. 181 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,560 Imagine now is when my mom is even. 182 00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,720 Like it's because she's never had it herself. 183 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,840 Like no one has ever told you I love you. 184 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:59,560 It's through me, me now threw me healing that she's starting to 185 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:03,440 heal herself as well. So it's it's crazy. 186 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:09,440 And when I hit 21, I got severely depressed, severely 187 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,680 depressed. Whether when I was 22 years old, 188 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,560 I was even living with my my friends. 189 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:17,520 I had to run away from home. I don't know if my friends knew 190 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:20,520 I was staying away from home because of the situation at 191 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,160 home. I don't know. 192 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:25,360 I mean, they did take me in and they took care of me and we grew 193 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,440 up together for a bit. But they don't know how much 194 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:32,640 that escape helped save my life because many Lakona feel me kani 195 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:36,440 Lakona cheesy. AT23 my career started taking 196 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,240 off like love and orgasm started growing even bigger. 197 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:43,600 And by the time I was 25, I was able to move out into my first 198 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:48,240 apartment and I went no contact from my family, from my whole 199 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:52,640 family extended from the cousins to the aunties to the everyone. 200 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,040 I cut everyone off and I just started my life. 201 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,600 I can say that the distance helped and I think it is during 202 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,200 this time we were away from each other. 203 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,080 It was about 5 months to six months. 204 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,560 It is during this time that helped my mom realize, Oh my 205 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,960 goodness, what have I done? It's like maybe she had a 206 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,320 revelation and realized this is not this was not her plan. 207 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,480 She was not intending for her family to watch Anna. 208 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,440 But she didn't realize that me being in that environment was 209 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:22,080 causing this friction and us to fight consistently. 210 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:25,160 And so during this time, I went through so much. 211 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,680 I went through so much anger and bitterness and I was so lonely 212 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:31,960 and I was so broken because, you know, every child deserves the 213 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,400 love of their mom. I used to really seek my mom's 214 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,160 approval because I really do care about her, and she used to 215 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,200 criticize me a lot, criticize everything I do. 216 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,160 OK, now she's so understanding. And even if she doesn't 217 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,360 understand, she takes time to teach herself and to learn 218 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,080 better. She listens so much better. 219 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,280 But this is coming from a time where Katuna bug heads. 220 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,320 There was nothing we could ever tell each other. 221 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:59,120 We were consistently fighting. So this distance, it helped my 222 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:03,240 mom and me for her to stop, you know, being so controlling over 223 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:06,400 my life and for me to grow up and be able to control my own 224 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,640 life without being dependent on her. 225 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,840 Because you remember my mom was the breadwinner and she was 226 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,840 doing everything for us, everything. 227 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,400 So it was, it's hard on her mom. It's like she was a single 228 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,080 mother. Well, I also learned how to be 229 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:22,160 like a better listener, more forgiving, how to let go, how to 230 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,120 be honest and how to have honest conversations. 231 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:28,240 Now we don't hold back. Like I've said, the same way I'm 232 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:31,240 learning the lessons is the same way I can see my mom learning 233 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,360 along with me things we used to fight about. 234 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,520 Like now we have easy conversations. 235 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,440 Our household is not a household of people who shout anymore. 236 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,960 We just talk to each other and everyone listen. 237 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:46,640 We're much more kinder to each other and yeah, it's just so 238 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:50,440 much better. So at 27, this is last year? 239 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:57,800 No, when I was coming around to 26, I started now gaining 240 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:02,040 stability on my own and me and my family reconnected again. 241 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:05,000 We started being closer. I went back home. 242 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,880 I was able to, you know, just start mending my relationship 243 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,440 with my mom. I started being understanding 244 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,360 that I needed to extend grace. Like if, if I want a 245 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,840 relationship to work, I have to put in the work. 246 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,040 I have to sit around and listen and also do the work. 247 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:23,000 It's not just expecting the other person to, to put in the 248 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,080 work on their own. And sometimes what that looks 249 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,680 like is you starting the work talk without anyone. 250 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,600 Mimi. Mimi could move out. 251 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:33,160 Konza could realize, OK, I don't need to be in a household where, 252 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,040 you know, there's anger and violence. 253 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,640 And I've created a home for myself where nobody shouts. 254 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,640 Nobody has ever shouted in this house. 255 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:43,160 Everything is calm and peaceful. This is the safe haven even for 256 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,320 my friends. They come here to rest and 257 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:49,280 recharge their energy. So I've been able to share this 258 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,480 energy with my parents as well. And I think This is why my mom 259 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:56,200 loves having me home. She says I bring a lot of peace 260 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,600 when I go over, like she's able to rest and relax and breathe. 261 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,080 And it's such a nice thing for your mother to say, especially 262 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:06,240 so when I was 27 years old last year. 263 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,600 My mom was diagnosed with cancer. 264 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,840 I think this also propelled our family unity because now you 265 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,760 know when 1 of you is sick, you realize how things like fights 266 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:18,240 are so dumb. It's it's so dumb to waste time. 267 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:22,160 When you know time, you get a taste of how precious time could 268 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:26,360 be and it stops muttering. All those fights and anger and 269 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,440 where they stop muttering because you start to see a 270 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,920 bigger thing. You start to see a bigger 271 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:34,280 picture where instead of wasting time being angry at each other, 272 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,280 blaming each other, it's just so much easier to love each other, 273 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,560 each other and care and to be kinder. 274 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,160 It's just it's so much easier. So I think that pushed us 275 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,440 unintentionally, whether we liked it or not, because now we 276 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,520 only had each other. And you know, when something I 277 00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:55,560 learned is when one of you has a terminal illness, first of all, 278 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:59,160 it's very expensive to cheat and manage and stuff. 279 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,240 You know, you think you'll have support. 280 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:06,360 But when my mom was going through treatment, not many 281 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,640 people, like, especially not many people called in to check 282 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,360 in, especially not the people I expected would The people who 283 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,920 were there for me were my friends, people I've met in 284 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,040 months, people I have known for a couple of years. 285 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,120 Those are the people who were checking in on me, sending me 286 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,120 meals, helping me pay my bills, like taking care of me 287 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:28,960 consistently, just my friends. But family, you realize that? 288 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,120 Yeah, you're on your own. Nobody cares. 289 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,760 It's not their mom who has cancer. 290 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:38,040 It's just yours. So going through that reality, 291 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:41,440 it's taught me there's no need wasting time being angry about 292 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,760 things that don't matter. It's important to cultivate and 293 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,240 fix the relationships that matter to you and me. 294 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,320 For me, I knew my mom. I knew I mattered a lot to my 295 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,400 mom. Like my mom really really loved 296 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:56,240 me a lot and she needed me in her life and I felt the same way 297 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,680 about her. I I think I'm mildly in love 298 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,200 with my mom. I really really love her. 299 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,560 I care for her so much as a friend. 300 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:08,640 So isn't it was it forced us to have difficult conversations and 301 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,280 these days not even even pre he had diagnosis. 302 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:15,680 OK now she's healed from it. She's fine, she's perfect, she's 303 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:20,840 doing well, and my mom learned how to be apologetic. 304 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,640 Sometimes she might not even understand what she's done or 305 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,960 how she's doing it, but anytime I bring up something, she's 306 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:32,080 always ready to validate my emotions, to listen to, to, you 307 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,960 know, just make me feel very reassured and reaffirmed. 308 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,720 And she's always willing to work on it. 309 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:40,200 If I say, I didn't like how you said this, she said, OK, teach 310 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,680 me how to do it or I learn. And she always does better. 311 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,320 She's always improving. Like there's no more excuses, 312 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,680 there's no more fights, there's no defensiveness. 313 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,560 And it goes both ways. If they tell me this is how I 314 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,640 feel about this, this, this, if it's reasonable, you know, we 315 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:58,000 talk about it and we we negotiate like we teach each 316 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,840 other, each other's points of view. 317 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,840 So it really helps having conversations. 318 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,720 And because of this, our conversations are so much 319 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,839 better. We have so much kindness towards 320 00:17:06,839 --> 00:17:08,720 each other. We care so much about each 321 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,760 other's opinions because we know it always comes from a place of 322 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,200 love and care. And also, I understand that my 323 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:19,160 mom's control came from fear. She just feared that the things 324 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,440 that happened to her would happen to us, her children. 325 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,960 And that's why she was so protective. 326 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,440 And her being protective meant she had to, you know, go into 327 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:30,560 her masculine energy and just become a mother who is taking 328 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,560 care of her kids. Regardless of what. 329 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,840 How can I your time, your kuka soft kuka to Mama. 330 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,880 She had to be out there doing the The Dirty work and the hard 331 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,840 work. So that's why I'm able to 332 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,920 understand her, although it cost me a lot of, you know, 333 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:49,640 abandonment issues, a lot of me consistently seeking validation. 334 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,560 I think even now I subconsciously really seek her 335 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,200 validation. If my mom says I look beautiful, 336 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,040 then that will make my whole year. 337 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,320 That's enough for me. That's like fuel to my ears. 338 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:04,560 If she tells me something, you know, your face, what's it 339 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,200 really makes me think like, why would she say that? 340 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,080 Because she's she's just saying it. 341 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:12,760 I mean, she's learning how to be mindful, but you know such 342 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,800 things when you're not when you're in a relationship with 343 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,400 someone, it's like which is engineer, you really have to be 344 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,880 patient with them as they're learning along the way. 345 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,760 And I think that's the grace of being able to accord to each 346 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,680 other. I know how control came from 347 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:28,160 that fear and high experiences as well. 348 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,280 But now we are being very intentional. 349 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:33,320 We are taking time and we realize that family is 350 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,600 everything. It's all a work in progress. 351 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:39,360 Every relationship takes a lot of effort and intentionality. 352 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,600 And the same way my mom wanted to mend her relationship with me 353 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,120 is the same way I wanted to mend my with hers. 354 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:49,240 So now I'm talking about all this because this person asked 355 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,200 me. You just went straight from 356 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:55,000 having drama with your family to now you're consistently doing 357 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,800 family stuff and you guys are together. 358 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,960 What happened in between? So I think I've explained what 359 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:03,880 happened in between leading up to where we're at now, but let 360 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,560 me just finish off by saying that it took delivery to work. 361 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:11,600 It took, first of all, Sisi Kutakumen relationship and then 362 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:14,920 Sisi kuku kisana naku actively fixed. 363 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,800 Like if someone says they have an issue, it's important to 364 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,240 listen to them and work on it actively. 365 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,920 This has helped us be together. I don't want to say that the 366 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:28,960 cancer helped, you know, bring unity, but it kind of did 367 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,920 because like I said, everything else stopped mattering. 368 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:35,240 I don't one wish a calamity on anyone for you to realize that 369 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,640 your family is important. You can learn from people who 370 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,120 haven't had to go through calamities or people who've had 371 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:44,000 to go through them and they can speak about them. 372 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,480 But don't let it get too late. If you care about someone, go 373 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,200 and talk to them. Like go and fix that 374 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,760 relationship. Tell them you love them, work on 375 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,800 it. This is if the relationship is 376 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,600 not toxic to you and hurting you. 377 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:59,000 You see, for me it took for me to go no contact for a while, 378 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,280 like I said, before we were even able to talk to each other and. 379 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,400 Listen to each other now. Also, it can be the kilometers, 380 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,240 sushi, ego. No more beating of the chest. 381 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,960 It's just honest conversations about how we really feel about 382 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,040 each other. And now I can see it's been 383 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,400 about three years. I can see a significant change. 384 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,120 Us guys do everything in harmony. 385 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,200 We're always together. We're travelling together, we 386 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,440 eat together. Everyone used to eat in their 387 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,280 rooms. Now we eat all of us. 388 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,680 We eat at the dining table. We we consistently call each 389 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,360 other, we're consistently texting. 390 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,520 And I can say that I'm able to enjoy my family now and I'm able 391 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:37,200 to be grateful for us giving each other a second chance 392 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,360 because it's important. It gives me a lot of confidence 393 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:45,920 in myself, makes me love myself because at home, I'm really 394 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,160 loved. And that gives me a different 395 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:52,160 kind of, you know, love for myself as well-being loved by 396 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,560 your mother and your father, it makes you really, really have 397 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,840 confidence. That's how we salvage our 398 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,560 relationship. I don't know if I've touched on 399 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,520 everything. If you have any more questions, 400 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:08,680 just feel free to ask me and I will respond immediately. 401 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,520 But other than that, yeah, that's how I fixed my 402 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,120 relationship. Personally, I haven't gone this 403 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,200 for this episode. I haven't gone anywhere like to 404 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,440 Google. How do you fix your relationship 405 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,800 with your parent? I've just told you what I did 406 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:24,000 for myself. I I saw this shit was 407 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,720 dysfunctional. This fighting and arguing is not 408 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,600 good for me. It was killing my vibe, killing 409 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,120 my art, killing me, killing my life. 410 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,640 Fighting with your mom is not fun. 411 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:37,200 It really destroys even your perception of relationships with 412 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,240 other women. While in real sense, you're 413 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:43,000 supposed to be working on, you know, having a strong sense of 414 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,560 community around you, especially of women, because women will 415 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,800 always save you. They'll always love you 416 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,480 unconditionally. So now that I've, I'm fixing my 417 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,480 relationship with my mom and my dad and my brother, US guys are 418 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,320 super, super close. We're, we always say we're, 419 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:03,000 we're the four best friends, but it's taken a lot of work. 420 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,560 It's not it was not easy. It didn't happen overnight. 421 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,280 It's taken a lot of work. Come on, imagine CC to look 422 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,400 intentional and we wanted it. And now is when I'm starting to 423 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,600 see the fruits of our labor like three years later, imagine with 424 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,560 parents who are not willing to see something is wrong with kids 425 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,440 who are still, you know, bitter and angry about the things that 426 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,360 has been done to them, the abuse they have been subjected to. 427 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,800 It's not easy. And I really acknowledge that. 428 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:30,520 So be patient with yourself. I know it's really hard to live 429 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:34,560 without your parents, whether they are not around or whether 430 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,120 they are around and they're not present. 431 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,080 It's really difficult. It's like grieving, grieving. 432 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,960 It's like grief, actually. And it's not easy. 433 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,280 So I truly understand. But I just say give yourself the 434 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:46,880 grace. You don't have to understand 435 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,520 anything or accept anything just yet. 436 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:51,040 Your job is just to heal yourself. 437 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,880 Heal yourself in the smallest of portions that you can. 438 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,480 And at some point you'll get to a point, maybe you'll be able to 439 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:02,000 understand them, not necessarily accept, but just understand why 440 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,840 they did what they had to do. And even if you never get there, 441 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,440 it's fine. As long as you're able to give 442 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:12,000 yourself the space to grieve and heal and grow and learn, that's 443 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,280 all that matters. So feel free to ask me any 444 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,760 questions in the DMS and I will respond to them. 445 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:20,160 Thank you so much for listening. This is how I fixed my 446 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,600 relationship with my parents.