A lot of times when you search on the Internet about how to get
over a heartbreak, most of the advices are usually for people
who are still who are very very broken, people who are very very
depressed and very very sad, or people who did not have
discipline in their life. This is not throwing shade.
I'm just talking about how it's very normal that when you fall
in love with someone or when you're in a relationship with
someone, your life's your life's kind of mesh with each other and
you can kind of lose your sense of individuality.
This doesn't really happen in healthy relationships, but I'm
just talking about the kind of advice that I see online about
how to get over a heartbreak. It's usually very generic about,
you know, get busy, walk out, eat right, join classes, get new
hobbies, go to therapy, rant, scream, cry.
But I've realized there's no advice that is usually set for
people who've been actually working on themselves, people
who have kept their individuality.
They're very busy, they love themselves, they're happy
generally, but they're going through heartbreak.
I've not noticed advices for like that and I'm I'm not sure
if the advice is the same. Well, of course all of these
things apply whether you are healing, healed or just starting
out. But I want today to talk to the
kind of people who are like me. And I say like me because I'm
currently going through heartbreak and I want to share
some of the tips that have kept me afloat because this
heartbreak, unlike others, has been very different in that I've
been very, I've still been able to catch patches of happiness.
I still remain very grateful. I've been able to maintain my
lifestyle, my life. I'm still happy.
I don't feel much of a break between.
I don't feel much of a difference between when I was
with him and now. The only difference is that he's
not in my life anymore. But other than that, everything
else has been running really smoothly.
But guess what? I'm still heartbroken.
So let's talk about it. See, The thing is, I already
really love myself and I'm very, very disciplined.
I always do the things that I said that I'll do.
For example, I eat well, I sleep well, I rest enough, I make my
own money, I take care of myself, I do everything that I
need to, things that I'm supposed to.
I have a very amazing happy life.
I take care of myself. Like I said, I walk out.
So there's nothing out of the ordinary that I will be doing
while I'm heartbroken and while I'm happy in a relationship
because my life doesn't change that much except for the aspect
that this man is not in my life anymore.
So the truth is with my last relationship, I did ignore the
red flags like I could. I saw them and I was like, and
this is because I wasn't sure I wanted this relationship to
progress. But of course, the more you
spend time with someone, the more attached you get.
And definitely even if you break up, whether you wanted to marry
them or not, the pain and the breakup and the loss is still
going to sting. So first of all, something that
I did pretty early is I took accountability.
I opened my eyes and I said, hey, he even do me, me, me, me.
Changuia called the deterioration of this
relationship. Usually in previous breakups,
I'm usually quick to blame the other person.
They didn't do this. They didn't show up like this,
they were not reliable, blah blah blah.
They abandoned me. They broke me.
They used me. They Nope.
This time I took a step back and the first thought that came to
my mind was how did I contribute to the deterioration of this
relationship? Because I did.
I settled, I ignored things that I shouldn't have.
I was not able to speak for myself, speak up for myself when
I needed to. I was just flowing, and the
reason I was flowing was because even how the relationship began
was very flowy. It was very casual.
There's nothing I I wasn't expecting anything from this
man. And I don't know, I don't think
they were expecting anything from me.
So we were just building as we went.
But I quickly realized that I should enter relationships with
the goal in mind. I should already enter
relationships knowing what exactly I want out of it, the
goals I'm trying to achieve in it, and what I want to get out
of it. I did not do that this time or
ever. So that's something that I
learned about myself. I took accountability and taking
out accountability doesn't mean that I did not show myself
grace. I was very honest, very patient
with myself, very kind, very forgiving as well a sat with
myself. I showed myself love, actually.
I cheated myself out to all the things that I was craving and
all the things that I needed. I just treated myself like a
little girl who needs extra guidance, extra patience and
extra love. I was not mean to myself.
I did not say any mean things about myself even when I was
speaking about my ex partner. Because you know, you need to
run. You need to open up and vent.
When I was speaking about him, I was able to be very objective.
I was not just focusing on the bad things or the things that he
did not do or the ways he did not show up.
I was able to acknowledge how beautiful the relationship was,
all the things that he did for me, all the ways he made me feel
special and loved, and all the ways he sacrificed and showed up
for me because that's something I also received.
So I'm just able to be a better kind of human being.
That's one. See that helps.
It helps me be treat myself really nicely.
And it also helps me not villainize this other person
because now I'm not angry. I was hurt and disappointed.
But as I'm healing, I'm not angry.
Literally, I feel like I've released him.
Like I can't forgive him. I don't know if I've forgiven
him, but like it's not weighing on my heart anymore.
I'm not overthinking about it. I don't spend all my day
thinking about what I should have done, what I didn't do,
what he could have na na na na na.
I'm just grateful, healing, moving on and happy.
And remember I said my program and things that I do my for
myself have not changed. I still showed up to work.
I still show up for my clients, I still show up for my family
and friends. I'm still very consistent.
I still do everything I'm supposed to do while giving
myself the space to moan. I was very depressed for the
first two weeks after the breakup and I sat in bed and I
cried a lot. I broke down so many times.
As recently as this week, like 3 days ago I broke down.
But I'm very patient with myself and I'm very kind and I'm
realizing I'm not dwelling. Like I have emotional moments
where I'll cry and then I get better and I'm OK.
So it's not like I'm spending all day ruminating on all the
bad feelings. Actually, if I didn't have to
record this podcast, I was having a really nice morning.
I had even forgotten about it. But of course, when you care
about someone, you in and out of it.
You think about them. Yeah.
So that's what I did. I also realized that I was
needing external validation While my life was full and I had
my own life going on, parts of me were desperate for an
emotional connection. I realized that I was seeking
validation outside of myself because there's moments where
when he was not communicating, I would take it very personally.
Actually, that's why we broke. He was going through something
probably, but he did not communicate.
And because my boundaries are higher now and I'm way stricter,
I'm I refuse to allow myself to stay in a space where silent
treatment or avoidance is going to be something that I accept in
my relationship. So that's why I made the
decision to just leave. It's not because we fought or
because we hate each other. No, it's just because that's not
my standard. And I'm deciding because I'm
young, I'm hot. I don't want to spend these
years waiting, hoping for someone to change.
And something that made me make this decision also very fast is
because this guy is almost 15 years older than me, so there's
no way I'm starting to, as a girl in her 20s, I'm starting to
teach a man how to communicate or how to show up or how.
Now. I just saw the red flags and
when they finally hit me that OK, this is enough of them, I
was able to walk out of that situation immediately.
But I'm realizing that I need to also work on my emotional
regulation. I also need to show more grace.
I also need to be more kind to the other person.
It's not always the first thing you're thinking after a breakup,
but it's something I'm learning as I go.
So because of all these mistakes I've, I've made and ignoring all
these red flags, I'm learning how to forgive myself, to just
treat myself like I'm a girl, to be kinder to you.
Say, you know, I did this and it's fine.
Next time I know better, I will do better.
It's not a fight, it's not an argument.
I don't have to go crazy about it.
It's just this is where we are at.
This is what is happening and I will do better.
So that's what's up. And also I'm realizing in this
generation, there's a lot of suppressing of emotions.
It's like, oh, don't post that on Instagram.
He's going to see and he's going to know you're bothered.
Don't talk to people about it. He's going to hear and he'll
know You're bothered. Whether yes, I'm bothered, I am
bothered. I'm hot, disappointed, angry.
I'm in pain, my chest hurts, I'm in love.
I miss him, I'm sad. You know I still care about him.
I'm feeling all these things, so why would I act like I'm
bothered? It just doesn't make sense to
me. I've been allowing myself to
communicate my emotions in the best way that I can, especially
my heartbreak. I've spoken to the people I need
to, I've opened up when I need to.
If I need to say something, I've done it.
I don't care if it gets to him or if he sees it or if I don't
care. These are my feelings, these are
mine. And yes, I'm bothered.
I don't want to live in A to exist in a situation where I
can't even express myself emotionally because I'm so
deathly afraid of the implications of that.
So what? I'm hurting, it's fine.
I don't care if people know I'm hurting or people know I'm going
through a breakup. This is literally normal life.
I come on here to share all the good things that happened to me.
Why can't I have the space to share all the bad things that
happened to me as well? I think I should be allowed this
face to just be myself. Last week I was so freaking
depressed and it really hurts. Like when you're going through
the pain and you see the other person is living their lives
very, very normally. And you see, that's the thing.
We're all putting up fonts. Maybe he isn't OK.
Maybe he's also somewhere being very depressed, but we're so
good at showing, like putting up a font and being so afraid to be
emotionally vulnerable. I'm just so sick of it.
So I'm not doing that anymore. If I'm hurt, you're going to
know I'm hurt. If I'm sad, you're going to know
I'm sad and it's fine. It's fine.
I've accepted myself. I love myself for who I am.
It's fine. I have been able to express
myself also through my work. You know, the best thing about
being Robata is that most of my work entails a lot of speaking
and talking and expressing myself and asking questions.
So I've been able to amass myself and allow myself to be in
a space where I can just share. Even through the interviews I'm
doing, I can share. I can bring on people and ask
them how they're dealing with stuff.
I can talk about it on my podcast.
I can write articles about it. Like, immediately after I broke
up with him, I wrote a really, really angry, mean article.
Now when I read back, I'm like, ah, do I really want to release
this? It's so angry and mean.
But then those are my true feelings.
Whether I feel them now or I felt them two months ago,
they're very valid. And I've decided I just want to
keep expressing myself. I don't care if people say all
you do is say sad things. You know, it's fine.
It's part of the human experience.
And I want to be able to show all parts of me without fear.
So I don't want to act like I'm OK anymore.
I just want to talk about it and it's fine.
Because of being patient with myself, I'm able to live a day
at a time. I'm not overthinking, over
planning, over expecting. I'm just taking the day as it
comes. If I feel like breaking down in
the morning, I will. If I feel like crying at work, I
have been. If I feel like stepping away to
cry, I have been. I've.
I'm not acting strong anymore. I'm just being myself.
To be honest. The one thing that has helped me
be able to do all these things is that immediately, even right
before we broke up, I blocked him.
I blocked him generally on the corner and I need the bawana.
You know these things with communication, someone isn't
speaking with you, but they're posting online.
So I was like, OK, I don't want to see this bullshit.
So I just blocked him. I blocked him on social media,
blocked him anywhere. The reason I blocked him is
definitely because I was bothered and pressed and I
needed a breather. I needed to also stop
obsessively checking his stuff because I found myself all the
time. I touch my phone, I go and watch
his stuff. I go and see as he posted
something as he said something and sometimes I what he's
talking about to or he's talking about his ex, he's talking about
other girls he's talking about. It just got so tiring because
that's not the kind of person I am and I don't want someone to
turn me into. I blocked him because I was
falling into this hole where I kept checking his stuff and I
just realized this is not healthy.
I was turning into a very anxious person because I was
intentionally being delighted, denied love and affection and
the duty of care. So I just decided, you know
what? By the time in Africa up a
relationship to him, Asia, yeah. I didn't even want closure.
I didn't want to hear what they had to say.
I didn't need answers anymore. I just knew that I never want to
be in a situation where I feel like I'm not wanted or like I'm
begging to be loved. And I just blocked him.
And ever since that day, it made my life so much easier.
No access, I don't see anything, I don't hear anything, nobody
talks about anything around me. I can move on and it's fine.
So even now, it's been like a month, I've been able to unblock
him now, but I needed to block him because I needed that.
So now I've already reset, I've already regulated my emotional
system. Now I don't need to check
anything, I don't need to know anything and I don't need to
block him anymore. And that shows me that I had
truly have let go. I'm able to stay super soft and
kind while still feeling the anger.
I'm not projecting on anyone, I'm not trying to hurt other
people. There were other people hurt
people when they're hurt and nemecha blame games not only me
decide to let go. I've had to learn this lessons
the hard way. And I can say the part of me
that has really grown is that I went from thinking I'm the
victim in every situation to realizing it's this sort of land
helplessness where I don't take responsibility and charge of my
life. And then I get stressed and sad
when people do it for me. And then now I'm losing.
So I don't want to go through that anymore.
I'm taking full responsibility. This means unfortunately, I have
to be way stricter. I have to be to look out for
myself more. I just have to stand up for
myself because that's the only way that I get to achieve the
things that I want for myself. So this is just my short term
guide. This is what I've done so far.
And it's been like, has it been a month?
It's been 3 weeks. I can say that while while I'm
still going through the motions, I'm definitely at a better
place, I'm not somewhere sat moping around, crying, feeling
sorry for myself. I'm still able to show up for
myself, go out, do the things that I love to do without
dwelling the way I would. Normally heart breaks would take
me so long and like would put me down for so long.
But now listen, I'm not saying A-Team move on in a week.
I'm just saying not dwelling is actually a gift.
Like you feel your feelings as you move as opposed to staying
stuck and being broken forever. I think everyone deserves to
experience loving themselves in this kind of way and just
feeling this kind of love. I don't know.
And this is self love. This is not a love anyone else
can do. People can work out of your life
anytime. And listen, some breakups don't
even have to be grandiose. It doesn't have to be at he
cheated, he lied. He it's just I don't feel good
anymore in this situation. And that's enough of a reason.
I questioned myself. I there's so many things I will
write an article about this. So many more things will come
out in the article. But you know, the podcast is for
healing and growing. It's not for bashing people.
So at this point let me call myself out.
It is me who needed to do better.
And now that I know this, I definitely will be doing better
in my romantic relationships moving forward.
Thank you so much for listening to me.
Tell me if there's any more tips that you'd like to add on.
These are the ones I could think straight off right off the top
of my head and I think they are working for me.
I mean my life hasn't changed. I haven't.
I do feel pain, but like I haven't let this drown me or
destroy me. If anything, I've let it allow
me to just grow and learn better and do better and be a better
human being while still being able to show love and grace and
forgiveness to the other party and acknowledge that, you know,
it's not hate, It's not, it's not really like it's not like an
intense emotion of like anger. It's just disappointment and
heart. And it's fine.
I will be OK. Tell me if there's anything that
that you've that you'd like to add on to by leaving me comments
and follow me everyone on social media.
My name is Roberta Bobby everywhere.
Thank you so much for listening. Bye bye.