You know, the older and more aware and smarter I get, and I
mean smarter in a lot of areas in my life, in most areas of my
life, actually, the better the quality and you know, just the
basically the quality of people I meet.
And this also means that I'm around better quality men.
I date better men who are also smarter, better, amazing.
And something that I've been realizing a lot even as I've
been dating upwards is that I always go through the same issue
when it comes to me expressing myself emotionally.
And I'm also realizing that this is just something that is
complementary in heterosexual relationships, but maybe it's
something we need to talk about and I want to hear your thoughts
on it. So The thing is, it doesn't
matter how smart the men are that I date, when it comes to me
explaining how I feel emotionally, there's
consistently always an emotional breakdown.
And I'll explain. A few years back, I was dating,
dating, seeing this guy, really, really smart guy.
He was. I mean, I never had to explain
anything to him because he gets things really, really fast.
In fact, we never had any misunderstandings about just
sharing our feelings and thoughts because he got me
really, really quickly. He was, he was such an amazing
understander of me. He gets me even now.
I mean, we still talk once in a while and you know, he really
truly knows me. He has an amazing memory of the
things I like. He would to the point that if we
went to a restaurant together, he would know what to order for
me to a tea, down to the sauces that I like.
So this is someone who gets me completely.
But anytime I would start expressing myself emotionally,
this is where the kizungum kuti would come in.
You see, the reason there's this discrepancy I'm realizing is
that men and women are speaking very, very different languages.
Most times. As a woman, this is me on a
personal level. I'm not saying all women are
like this, but when I feel something, even if the feeling
is making sense or not, I tend to want to express it.
And I'm realizing when I do this around men, they always try to
meet me on a logical level, like to explain why my feelings can't
make sense because they would have to be like this so that it
can make sense. And then this would have to
happen. And I'm always trying to
understand why they do this without realizing that they do
this. But I probably do this from an
emotional standpoint as well without realizing I'm doing
this. There's this group I'm in with
lots of fans of the a few fans of actually.
And in that group we discuss a lot of things about intimacy and
relationships. And this is a discussion that we
were having about how, you know, what does it mean when a woman
is opening up and saying, hey, I feel like, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. And the men were really, you
know, eager to learn, to actually learn what it means.
And the women were trying to explain that when a woman does
that, in that moment, she needs you to meet her emotionally.
She needs you to sit in your emotions and hold space for her
emotionally. Listen, I know a lot of men in
this who are maybe closer to my age, especially millennials
going upwards were not granted the space for them to know how
to show up emotionally, especially for people.
And This is why the I, I keep preaching about this because
having emotional intelligence is a human advantage.
It's a human trait. It's not something that is
reserved for women. It's not something that only
women are supposed to be good at.
It's something every human being should be amazing at because it
helps you and it forms the decisions you make.
For instance, I make my decisions solely based off my
emotions. And you'll hear a lot of people
talking about you're too emotional, don't use your
emotions to make decisions. And it makes me wonder why.
Why? As a human being, I have
emotions for a reason. There's a reason these emotions
exist. And ever since I started
trusting the way I feel about stuff, it has helped me learn to
trust my intuition much more. I mean, it doesn't mean that I
shouldn't use my brain. It just means it's not all the
time that things have to make sense.
Sometimes it doesn't make sense, but if it makes me feel good,
why not? And I find people who try to be
logical all the time really struggle with this because even
if, if it feels good, even if it feels really good, as long as it
doesn't make sense, they're going to forfeit it.
And I feel like they're, they're losing out on this side of life.
Why? Because I'm not forfeiting on my
logical intelligence. I'm not saying, hey, I don't
need to be smart. I don't need to know stuff.
I'm learning both sides. I'm learning on the emotional
side and I'm learning on the logical side.
What that does is that it sets me apart from someone who's
locking themselves away from emotions and refusing to learn
or do better. It's putting me way ahead of
them. It's making sure I'm able to
enjoy all sides of this beautiful coin.
And I'm not saying this to say you know I'm better than you.
I'm saying this to say, hey, you can be just as as good as me or
even better than me, so why not? That was just one example of a
guy. Most of the guys I actually
relate with, even on a on a professional level, most times,
I always have to justify why applying my emotions is an
important part of the process. People tend to try and shut me
down because, you know, don't bring feelings into this.
Feelings have no space here, but we're human beings and there's
feelings everywhere. It is my true belief that we
must apply emotions in all the things that we are doing or all
the things we'd love to do because it is through this that
you're able to be very honest with yourself about.
Do you really want to be there? They have an ex.
Let me just out myself. There's this guy I was dating
last year and this man was really amazing to me.
He was such an amazing husband. Let me not even call him
boyfriend because we had already gone out to look at rings.
He wanted me to have his beachfront mansion.
We were making plans to travel. This is just one month into the
relationship and this is because this guy was very intentional.
He knew what he wanted. He knew he wanted to marry me.
But during that time I had to be honest with myself and I'll tell
you what I had to be honest with myself about Don't beat me up.
Well, this guy, he was amazing. He was take me taking me out on
dates. He was communicating any all the
things girls complain about I had no issues with.
For maybe even the first time ever in my romantic life.
This was the perfect boyfriend. He was amazing.
He gave me everything I needed, took care of me, loved me.
He would wash my body, he would buy me everything I needed.
He was actually amazing. And to be honest, I am
materialistic. These are the kind of man I
love. He's absolutely my type.
He was amazing to me. He loved me beyond anything.
He was my friend. You know, we had an amazing
relationship going on and I was happy for most part of the time,
but I was still in love with someone else.
Please Missini Chapas sprinkle sprinkle battalion especially.
I was still in love with someone else.
And I had to sit down with myself and be honest and and
weigh and say, OK, look at all the things I'm going to receive.
I'm going to receive a home. I'm going to receive such a
beautiful life. I don't even have to walk if I
don't want to. I'm set.
I'm going to receive basically everything I want.
He got me even the ring that I wanted.
But I kept thinking about my ex. I kept thinking about making
love to my ex. I kept thinking about my ex's
hands watching me. I kept thinking about how it
felt with his skin on mine. And to the point that even when
I was having sex with this, my boyfriend, I had to think about
my ex to come. I had to make an honest decision
with myself, for myself and just be honest with this guy because
it would be very unfair if I stayed and used him.
And listen, someone else will say, you know what does it
matter? Get the property, get the I
would have. And actually, even if I were
honest with him, he probably would have left me with this
stuff. But I didn't want something.
I didn't want to receive stuff out of pretentious ways.
I didn't want to be the kind of person who stays married to
someone. But it's all I don't feel
anything. I don't feel anything.
And listen, this was an easy decision for someone who thinks
logically. I mean, who doesn't want all
these things that I had been offered on a silver platter.
And you know what? I broke up with that man, not
because he was a horrible person, but because I just
didn't want to live a lie. I broke, broke up with him and
he was very heartbroken actually.
But even through his heartbreak, he still remained very kind to
me. It's not that I didn't love him,
it's just that I didn't love him as much as I loved my ex.
And I, I tried, I mean, I tried, I tried, I stayed, I tried.
There's nothing I didn't do. I tried so hard.
I deleted this guy. I blocked everything.
I stopped speaking to him. I thought I moved on, but
everything just kept bringing me back to him and thoughts of, you
know, how his hands feel on my skin.
I think that's torture. I wasn't about to let myself
live a life of torture. I had to be honest with myself
and pick the options that feels better despite it not making the
most sense. And I say this because I'm a
very materialistic person. So the decision that would make
sense was for me to get all these stuff that I wanted and
just pretend and stay married. And then, you know, after I
acquire this stuff, I can make the decision I want.
You see, me leaving my, my, my boyfriend at that time, I didn't
leave him because, like I said, I didn't leave him because I
didn't love him. I just left him because I loved
my ex more. And I wasn't leaving him because
I was going to get back with my ex.
Nope. Actually, there was no guarantee
I was going to ever speak with my ex again.
There was no guarantee that this guy was ever going to speak with
me again. But I just had to be honest with
myself. And that's the kind of person I
am. I have to to be very, very
honest with myself because my feelings haunt me.
My feelings follow me everywhere I go.
They are every part of me. Anger, jealousy, love, passion,
beauty, happiness, forgiveness, all these feelings are part of
me and I have to accept that. They inform a lot of the
decisions I've had. I've quit jobs just because I
didn't feel good about being there.
I've stopped hanging out with friends just because I felt
something wasn't right and there's no moment my body or my
feelings have ever misguided me or LED me ashay.
They're always very very spot on.
So I find most of the relationships I'm in I'm
consistently trying to justify why my feelings are valid and
they really inform the decisions I make.
So I find that people struggle a lot with emotional intelligence
and when I show up like this I notice they become blank 0.
So most times I have to explain myself over and over and over
and over again. And a lot of times it causes
fights and most times it just ends, you know, at a space where
I'm not being understood. But because I'm the one who
knows how to understand, I take it in, I compromise, I swallow
it and I accept. But nobody says, hey, I
understand you. Also, I feel what you're saying.
I'm consistently invalidated about these feelings that I
have. I feel like a lot of the reasons
why my relationships that have ended and is because I always
feel like I'm not being understood and feelings are very
much part of the experience of this life that we're all living.
I wish people would give it as give it some space as much as I
do right now. I have better understanding that
you can't know what you don't know, but you can always try to
learn more about it and find out because that's how we grow.
I'm also realizing that there's some relationships that will end
because there's some people who would rather not understand
anything you're saying or be willing to learn and listen
because misunderstanding you is easier.
And because I've been able to throw myself out there into, you
know, relationships where I can explore being smart in different
ways, I'm learning that the people who love me are just
sticking by me through all the journeys as I fail, as I make
mistakes, as I lose stuff. I don't want anyone to come into
my life and try to solve my emotional issues with logic.
I need people to meet me emotionally.
If I feel something, try to sit with me in my emotions.
Don't try to process it with your logic and try to see if my
problems are making sense. Sometimes they don't, and that's
why they are emotional. Emotions are not things that you
can figure out all the time in some sort of way.
It's not like math. It's not like it's not a logical
equation. It's just an emotion.
And sometimes it doesn't have a solution or it doesn't have.
The only thing it requires is for you to just sit with me and
listen the same way. It would be very, very unfair if
I started showing up to logical issues with emotions and trying
to tell you, you know, feel this way, feel this way.
No, I think it's important to learn to meet each other where
the issue is at without trying to impose the ways with which we
solve our own personal issues onto other people.
I wanted to talk about emotion versus logic.
And I hope that, you know, I'm realizing, I'm realizing that
I'm not always the best at expressing myself the way I
think I am because sometimes things make a lot of sense in my
mind, but when it comes to me speaking or opening up, it
doesn't come out the way I want it to come out.
And this in turn, also causes a lot of conflict within my
relationships. But The thing is, I just blabber
in hopes that whoever gets it gets it and whoever doesn't get
it, get it. But for now, my message is when
I'm having an emotional issue, don't try to solve it with
logic. When I tell you I feel
something, stop trying to understand and psychoanalyze it.
It's, it's not something that needs solving.
It's just something that needs sitting with, acknowledging,
understanding that I'm a human being with emotions.
I feel stuff and I like to express my emotions.
That would make the world a better place for all the people
who are very emotional like me. If you have any questions about
this episode, please feel free to message me and ask me.
Maybe I can do much more clarifications.
But I think I want to end this episode here.
And until next time, Kohedi.