Today I want to talk about why you might just not be that into
you and why you're missing the signs and why you're not able to
see. But I am here to help you open
your eyes so that you're able to make better decisions.
You know, there's nothing painful or sad like being told,
OK, there's things that are way sadder, but this is just
figuratively. It's really sad when someone
tells you pride that they do not like you anymore or when you
start Kushikanisha 1 + 1 una eh umm SE Ana semi vinana fan evina
has he match? Has he make sense?
And then you start to realize that they might not like you.
But I want to try and help you speed up the process of being
able to see these signs. Especially for the girlies or
anyone who dates men. Because you know how women and
men are socialized is very different.
Meaning how we show up in relationships is very different,
even in our communication, in the way we show love, in the way
we we show affection. And most times, I say this as a
woman who had no one to tell me about what love is supposed to
look like. A woman who did not grow up
around positive affectionate reinforcement.
These are things I've learned for myself as a grown up.
And I know it might be difficult to be able to see the signs and
spot them for yourself. And a lot of times when women
get into relationships, especially with men, we always
have all these excuses. So he's avoidant.
He grew up in a fucked up situation.
His childhood trauma, his parents abandoned him.
He doesn't have money right now, he's broke.
That's why he's miserable. He's working so hard, he's so
busy, he doesn't have time. He can't even text me.
All these excuses we always give and all these things we always
say to try and cushion the fall. When we fall down from these
clouds we're always up in, it's, it's sometimes difficult because
you can't imagine, you can't imagine someone doing that to
you or someone treating you like that, especially when they've
been saying the opposite, when they've been saying I like you,
I want you, I want to be with you.
Some actions here and there, sprinkles sprinkled around to
make you believe it. But then in the long run, when
you sit down and actually question yourself and look at
things, when I realize taki taki Nanisawa too.
So Kitambo, I used to think that when someone says I love you or
I want you, especially men, I used to think when they said
that, that they meant it. But you see, as I keep growing
and healing, I start to realize that love is really an action
like, like a verb. It's a doing what meaning that
it has to be backed up with action to be real.
The words and the actions always have too much.
So while people who love you will hurt your feelings and they
will still disappoint you and they will break your heart, it
also so happens that when people genuinely and truly do love you,
there is no doubt of this love. Whether you guys are going
through a rough patch or you're angry at each other, the love is
always consistent because how they feel about you is never
changed by the actions. Panika Katikati It's kind of
like your siblings. You guys will fight about your
sister wore your shirt, but that does not change the fact that
you would give her a kidney in a heartbeat or you would actually
die for her. You'll fight with your mom, but
no matter where you go, no matter how you feel, you know
deep down that the love she has for you is always there.
Of course kuna exceptions, but you know what I mean.
So when someone loves you, the feeling doesn't go away.
You will always consistently feel the love whether they are
6,000,000 miles away from you or they are sitting next to you and
not speaking with you or you guys are going through a rough
patch. You just had a bad argument.
You're fighting nothing. Nothing can Make Love.
And love can only be transmuted, transformed, changed.
Like energy they say. They say you can't kill energy.
Energy never dies. You cannot kill energy.
It just can be translated into else so the love never really
goes away. So if someone is acting
indifferent or like they're not sure about you or like the they,
you know those fencers, those people who try to say, to say,
you know, I can love you, but I don't have to talk to you all
the time. I can love you.
Listen, someone loves you. They are going to meet you
halfway to make sure that you are in their life.
And this does not even happen mechanically.
It is such a background process. It is such a subconscious
process. It's just something you do when
you like someone, you start to want to be around them, to show
them love, to make sure that they are safe and make sure
especially that they feel very loved for you.
So please do not fall for words, do not fall for the things
people say, and also do not fall for actions.
Only remember these people who can put up with doing things for
you because simply they can't afford it or they have the time
or they can make someone else do it.
But actions and words must match.
If someone is telling you they love you, you must feel it, you
must know it by heart, you must be able to tell in your robot.
Anna nitenda attaka mini tukana Anna nitenda, I miss you.
Do not fall for us. Because people can say anything
to get what they want. And sometimes they even tell you
the truth. They might even present it as
honesty. They might even say, hey, I
don't want you. I'm not ready for a
relationship. I'm very busy.
I can't right now. I don't want to listen.
Listen to those words. So these men especially, they
tell us the truth. They tell us how they feel.
They tell us exactly how it is. You'll tell a man I like you,
blah blah blah, whether I'm a kukatiya akaka France akaka baya
flowers akaku fanias ginini akalipa mahari.
And then he tells you, listen, I'm not ready for a
relationship. This is not something I want.
Then where we on a Kapu unanza kukivia nakumabu Zako that you
can start trying to change his mind, that you can make him
start to love you because you know he's done all these things.
He's shown you all these actions.
Remember, his words are not matching.
His words have to match like the things he's saying and the
things he's doing, they have to go hand in hand with each other
and the other side as well. If he's saying I love you, I
want to be your friend, You're your friend.
This guy had been hitting on me for years, this story.
So finally I gave him a chance and I, I decided, you know, I'm
gonna okay, fine, let's get to know each other.
We hung out a few times and then he told me, you know, I want to
be your friend. I want That was always his
stick. That was always his thing.
I want to be friends, Friendship, friends, friends,
friends. Nilim Panulevi Migu Keisha.
Keisha isn't my friendship. He never ever showed up for me
as a friend. Never.
No communication, nothing after the sex.
But before the sex he had all these stories about how he
wanted to be my friend. Now when I look back, I realized
there's nothing this guy did that showed he was my friend.
He literally didn't even like me.
He didn't even talk to me. He never even wanted to be with
me. I don't even know what the fuck
I fell for. He had a standing order for
flowers for me. He gave me anything I want.
I could call him anytime time for anything.
I need some money, I need this I need this.
He will do anything for me to say.
I'm so sure if I call him he'll give me whatever I want.
But he he told me he told me I'm not ready for a relationship.
And you see I wasn't even trying to get into a relationship with
him. I just think I don't want to
give any excuses for him. But I think things got a bit too
intense. But I always wonder, you wanted
to be my friend. So when I start expecting the
friendship aspect, why is it crickets?
You said you wanted to be my friend after sex.
That change, I should have listened.
I didn't listen. I didn't listen to my actions.
Have to always match. You must always see the
intentionality, someone showing up for you, someone putting in
the effort to be near or around you or to be with you.
It must be very consistent. And I like to give my mom as an
example because I didn't grow up having the best relationship
with her. But right now we are
consistently walking on our relationship with each other.
We talk, we communicate, we tell each other the truth.
We show up for each other. That woman has shown up for me
consistently when we're fighting, when she's broke, when
she's sick, when she's sad. You'd say, oh, of course, she's
your mom. She has to do that.
But once you start to see how much sacrifice it takes for
people to show up because they love you, you start to
appreciate it in a very different way.
And it starts to elevate your thought process on what love
looks like. You stop settling for things
that are, you know, Sidri Vituzha Kejinga.
On my latest episode on the podcast, we were talking about
men and women and how in the nursing homes, the nurses are
saying that the men are dying alone and the women are dying
surrounded by community. The women have as much as their
primary school friends coming to visit them in Hospice in the
while they're dying at 87, at 90, people who are not even
related to them are taking care of them in the hospitals.
While the men, they spent their time ignoring the fact that they
will be nice to build community. They spent their time playing,
cheating, lying, ignoring community, focusing on only
making money. And then you realize that it
gets to a point where even your money can't really save you
because you need to be surrounded by community.
Where is it, Jessica, when you're 101 years old?
We need each other. It would it would be so nice if
we put effort into building community so that we're able to
be there for each other. And it is in these communities
that women are building where I've been able to see what love
feels like. Me and my gals, we go to the
fanciest restaurants. We, we go to the nicest dates.
We do the nicest things together.
So for a man to even want to come into my life, maybe to
downgrade it or to make me feel like the things I'm already used
to are, you know, to try and be condescending about it.
It's just like, bro, my community is showing me love.
I have women from primary school who love me, who treat me really
well, who show up for me, who give me love.
And it's not just superficial, it's actual relationships that
we've built for years and years and years and we're growing all
that together. It's just something, it's just
something else. So if this, if my female
communities are showing me this kind of love, my friend groups,
my mother, my sisters, my cousins, my friends, my fans,
everybody who encourages me, everybody who loves me, they're
not trying to take from me. They're not trying to lie to me
so that they can sleep with me. Women just love me for real.
If that's my standard for love, do you see how difficult it
would be for me to settle for anything less?
Anyone who doesn't CG buy me flowers or Take Me Out over the
weekend. This guy I know he's going to
take offense if he he has this, but there's this guy who you
know he called me and he introduced himself and he told
me you know I'm so and so blah blah blah I've had a crush on
you for like 3 years. I sent him my number last year a
time like this. So it's taken him a year to call
me and I asked him why he did that and he said it's because he
has ego and I asked what's the ego about and he said because I
also took an A year to send him my number.
But you see the reason I took long to send him my number is
because I did not see it in the DMS.
Now that he calls me over the weekend and he's like, hey, come
over to my house, I'll be good company.
We'll do something nice. And I told him I'm not
comfortable coming to your house for a fast date.
That doesn't even, it's weird. Literally all I've been talking
about of late is constant and femicide and rape.
So you want me to come to your house?
And you know, now I'm a bit more cautious because the last guy
who told me to go to his house, Alini Dina, it's that guy who
catered me also a lafaca, a Canyon, be a friends, friends, a
lafunica and a Canadina. Can you talk?
So now I'm a bit wary. First of all, I'm not coming to
anyone's house. I am not doing that.
That was even even the first date.
This guy had the audacity to ask me to meet him for the first
time. And I told him I'm not really
used to that because the kind of guys I did, they show up with
flowers on the first date and they want to Take Me Out to a
really, really nice place. And this is just standard for
me. This is what I do with my
girlfriends. It's not at your standard at in
e-mail now online Nikanza copy. This is exactly what me and my
friends do sometimes even on a weekly basis.
We go out to eat somewhere nice, not just eating.
We do a lot of fun activities together, things that, you know,
create memories and make us feel a lot of love.
And this is what I enjoy to do. And I told him, unfortunately,
that's not what I'm used to. Maybe if he and he was
insisting, you know, cancel all your plans show up Nini nini
nini. I'm like, why would I?
He had no regard for me saying I was uncomfortable.
He kept insisting. And this already told me the
kind of person he was gonna be because he started talking
about, oh, I'm A Celebrity. I'm a what figure?
I have ego. Mina Shanga, too.
Why? Why would I be ever paired up
with someone who has too much ego?
I'm such a he starts saying you, you know, you seem like a
douchebag. Yeah.
Is this how guys? Is this how I have literally
never met a man I have never spoken to a man who wasn't head
over heels over me and completely sweet and romantic
and when I told him about the flowers he said that's not going
to happen. Huh.
My, my friends buy me flowers for fun.
I buy myself flowers all the time.
So already that already shows me a apana Unim 2.
These are the silly arguments we're going to be having if
anything were to come out of it. But if I were desperate, if I
was broke, hungry, desperate, horny, in need of external
validation and attention, I would have gone.
I would have said, OK, this is a guy who has money.
He's going to take care of things.
He's going to buy everything I want, Let me go.
But because I'm able to see his actions.
He's had a crush on me for three years, but it's taken him one
phone call to destroy everything.
Nah, that's not the kind of guy I would ever be.
Got around Mina Fender the Lavi Davis the sweet, romantic,
emotionally available, sweet, kind commutative kind of men.
So I'm going to show you a few signs that I've been able to
look out for when I am picking these guys that I date that have
made me date better and for the longest for a very long time,
I've always been dating up. All my exes are actually really
really nice people. They're actually people who
improved my life, improved my dating life, improved my
standards because they always left me.
While they've taught me to love myself more or to to have higher
standards. Even if they did me that the end
of truly cost. I realized that as consistent
pattern with everyone I've ever dated is they left me better
than they found me. And that's a really good thing.
Whether it's well traveled, dressing better, speaking
better, loving myself better, it's always a plus.
And I am sure this happened because I intentionally and
deliberately stopped dating men who are not my type and men who
do not treat me well. Meaning I had to improve what my
type was for me by improving myself, by becoming an amazing
person myself so that I can recognize the good people.
So first of all, you have to realize that today's episode is
for the ladies and the people who date men.
First of all, you have to realize that men love to show
off, especially to other men. So that's something that's a
really huge deal to them. I always give an excuse I don't
like. I'm not comparing women to
inanimate objects, but you can see it in the things that they
own, whether it's a nice car or the nice shoes or when he gets a
nice haircut. What's the first thing they do?
They love to be seen. They love to show off.
So if your mind is not being intentional about being seen
with you, about showing you off and it doesn't have to be AT the
prep piece G post you all over social media must GG post you.
It doesn't have to be that. It just has to be in the simple
things like doing stuff with you.
If he's hiding you in the house, the only time you guys meet is
when he's fucking you in the in the house.
He never lets you go anywhere. He never wants to be seen with
you. He never invites you out
anything. Never, never, never.
That's not someone who's proud to be with you.
That's someone who's hiding you. And that's something we never
saw. When I was younger, I used to
think this guy wants to fuck me all the time because I'm the
hottest girl he's ever been with and he's just so turned on by
me. Wrong.
He wants to fuck me all the time because I'm available to be
fucked all the time. It's all I was available for.
I didn't have my life. I didn't have my things going
on. You see now and someone invites
me out and tells me cancel your plans.
I'm like, what? What?
Bro, I have a life. Someone else asked me out and I
told them I'm sorry, I can't come out because, you know, I
have a little kitten. I have to take care of him.
Said find a nanny, find a nanny and I'll pay.
So you see the difference. These are the kind of guys I'm
used to. And then there's someone who's
telling me I taken to buy flowers.
That's so crazy to me. That's so crazy to me.
And sometimes they will do the actions.
But even with the actions, you have to be very careful because
listen, a rich man can afford anything.
Sending you flowers every week, he can pay for that.
Taking you on vacation, he can pay for that.
Sending you food, CG taking you to rest.
He can pay for that. He can.
So sometimes they do the actions, but these actions only
benefit them. The only the best way to realize
that a man likes you or he wants to be with you and he wants to
take care of you is the things he does for you or the things he
loves to do for you. They do not even directly
benefit him. If it's a vacation, let him send
you on it alone because if he tells you babe, let's go on
vacation. I've paid for everything,
sweetie. He could have easily paid a
prostitute to go on that vacation with him.
He could have easily done that. Or he could have gone and met
another girl there. So him taking you on vacation is
not a gift to you, it's a gift to him.
He wants to be seen with a Pretty Woman on his arm.
It could be anyone. A gift is when he gives you
something and he's not benefiting from it.
You'll go with him there. No, it'll be you suck Dick daily
and you know on vacation is when they want to try crazy things.
He's going to make you want to do anal with him.
You have no rent. Your business is stalling
because you're away on vacation because you are told it's paid
for. My ex called me a few weeks ago,
like 2 weeks ago, and this is the exact thing.
He told me I want to take you out on vacation, blah blah blah.
And I told him OK, so there's the things I need to do.
I need to do some shopping, I need to pay my bills, I need
them. And then.
And then he said he didn't talk to me again.
So Mika fikiria umm too. I had nothing to do.
I was just bored at home waiting for him to take me on vacation.
I can pay for my own vacation, but why do you want me to go on
vacation with you so that you can have eye candy on your arm
and someone to sleep with the way you want.
I don't want to be that. I don't want to be that.
If it's if it's a gift, if you're gifting me, let me go by
myself. Let me go by myself.
Things like taking me out to the restaurant.
I've had even Kitambo, I would have people bring it up like I
used to do this for her. I used to buy her baby.
These are things I can do for myself.
It's not a gift if I'm not benefiting directly.
I have food at my home, in my house.
I can cook, I can take your. Of myself.
So that's not really a big benefit you're doing to me.
Your words and your actions must match.
You have to be wary of the emotionally unavailable guys
because they lie, they can say anything and they mask and and
they mirror you just to have something to say and something
to make you fall for. And behind this, you start to
realize that he doesn't care. He doesn't even listen, he
doesn't get it. There's no communication.
And if you stick around in such situations, Uta Ji Pata, you've
wasted your best years. Words and actions must always
match each other. And I told you the best way to
look out for such is in your female friendships.
When your girlfriend says when you tell your girlfriend I'm
sick and your girl runs with soup to cook for for you to take
care of you. She doesn't even have to say I
love you, but you'll see it when you tell your mom I'm sick mom
joby Mesha and your mom tells you come back home, come home.
I will take care of you When your parents when your dad tells
you oh see fikiro mufukuza rudiniumbani.
Sometimes I don't even have to say it.
It's in the way my parents have been trying to get me to move
back home for the whole year. They've been so scared I might
not be able to make it outside here without like a regular
income. But I've made it so far and the
year is almost over. But I can see how in their love
they're trying to make sure I'm comfortable.
I'm well taken care of. My parents have been so
supportive this whole time, letting me navigate my own life
while still consistently me showing me that I have a home.
I can always go back home, Sija focus a home and I can always go
back. Words and actions must always
match. I keep repeating this.
Someone could tell you all the words and have no actions and
someone could show you all the actions and have no words.
You need reassurance. You need validation from your
pastor, and you need to be loved and you need to feel needed and
wanted. And it's normal.
It's such a normal thing. It's such a thing that we should
have open a communication about. Stay away from people who never
take accountability when you bring out your feelings, when
you tell them what you want. People who do not change after
they apologize, they might act like they're very concerned and
like they've listened, but if you have to consistently repeat
yourself, it just means they don't want to.
It just means they just, they just don't like you.
I say all these things because I have treated people in this way.
I have been in situations with people who I didn't know how to
break up with, but I was so scared of like breaking things
off. So instead of being direct, I
would avoid them if avoid their calls.
And I would also do these things, say things like, oh, I'm
busy, I don't have time. I want here.
I went here. But I started realizing that
when you drag someone like that and you're lying to them and
you're not being honest, you're actually breaking their heart.
And it's so unfair. It's so unfair to put someone in
a situation where they have to consistently guess.
Will Roberta talk to me today? How does she feel?
Does she like me? Does she love me at a sicko
heart? Like in a year?
The whole time they're dying of anxiety because they do not know
how I feel because I do not communicate.
And I'm bringing this up because it's important for us to be
aware to stop these things. For I know we can have different
attachment styles, but it's your responsibility as a grown up to
be able to communicate and say, hey, I don't like you anymore.
I don't want to do this. But not everyone is like that.
Not everyone will come and tell you.
That's why you have to be wiser so that you're able to see the
signs before he starts telling you.
You know, most men will actually never tell you.
They'll never come up to you and tell you, I don't like you
anymore. They'll just start withdrawing
or treating you badly and expecting you to catch up.
And they will just light you. And you ask them, you know, can
we meet today? And then he'll cancel and he
doesn't give an explanation and he acts like he didn't remember
you guys are supposed to hang out.
And when you're asking him, he'll make you feel like you're
being too emotional or you're asking for too much immediately.
You're in such a situation where you feel like you have to beg to
be loved, to be given attention, to be given basic human respect,
to be shown love. Any with two basics of
friendship attasiza relationship.
You're not even telling him to marry you, you're just asking
him to communicate better. When it reaches a point you have
to do that. Just know you deserve better and
you should go somewhere where you're loved.
But I don't have to come and hold your hand and tell you hey
babe, he just doesn't like you. He's just not that into you.
You should be able to see it because if you're working on
yourself, then by extension, you cannot allow such people to be
in your life. You can't be around someone who
doesn't show you love. When you're loving yourself
completely, you'll be able to notice the deficit and listen.
Love is not a Tutu. I love you.
I love you giving you money. Love is in the doing.
It's in the showing up. It's in the, you know, getting
home and someone has made you a nice hot meal.
They literally had the choice not to because they love you.
They can't even fathom not doing it for you.
It's such a thing that comes from deep in the heart and it's
not something that can be taught.
Empathy, emotional intelligence, availability of emotions, all
these things are things you, you either live.
You either grow up with them or you land them along your
relationships. So being with someone who's not
able to master this, it will completely drain you.
Sometimes communication is hard, but when you love, you learn.
When you love someone, you put yourself in a position to do
better for them. It's such an intentional and
subconscious thought that comes about.
Love is peaceful and kind and empathetic and it always
compromises. Upwards, upwards, never
backwards, never going down, upwards.
Have high standards for your friendships so that your
standards for your lovers can be even higher.
And apply this in whatever relationship you're in.
But my point is, whether you're dating men or women, put
yourself in a position where you're able to see that, OK,
maybe he's just not that into me.
Despite him saying he likes me, he loves me, he wants me, he
wants to be with me. People say things all the time,
all the time. I couldn't tell you how many
times I've said things I didn't mean.
People do this all the time. So you have to make sure, just
to make sure that you take care of yourself better, you have
better hygiene emotionally, you love yourself more.
Make sure the words and the actions are matching.
Make sure the things he's doing for you and the things he's
saying to you are matching. And if they're not, protect your
heart. Do not sit around and waste your
best years begging someone for basic human decency.
It's not right. It's going to drain you.
And listen, it's OK when he doesn't like you.
It's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean you're gonna die
from it. It just means he doesn't.
That's all. It means he doesn't like you.
There's no there's nothing else beyond that.
It's nothing personal in you. Sometimes you like people,
sometimes you don't, and it's fine.
Do not try to convince someone to like you, to be with you, to
choose you. When it's natural, it feels
better and it feels more authentic.
Love yourself so that you're able to tell when people love
you. Genuinely trust yourself and
choose yourself. Teach yourself better so that
when people see you and people choose you, you're able to see
if it's genuine or not. All this high gene starts itself
even before you can blame. Why didn't he text me?
Why didn't he just tell me the truth?
Why was he lying? He lied because you're gullible,
because you believe lies, because he could test you and it
walks on you. Liars will lie, They will always
lie. But do your part to make sure
that when he lies, you're going to be able to see there's a
discrepancy over here. Take care of yourself and
remember, not being liked is not the end of the world.
So many people don't like you and it literally doesn't matter.
Go where you're loved. Go to the people who like you.
Go to the people who you don't have to beg and let them love
you for who you are. Don't forget to watch me every
Tuesday on Citizen TV on Daybreak at 8:00 AM and check
out my blog, the Love and Orgasms blog, Love and
orgasms.com and read my stuff. Tell me what you think about it,
tutus.