Something I truly appreciate is when Oh my cat, my cat is crying
at my door because I locked her out outside because she's eating
my stuff like my equipment. It's all, it's all on the bed.
So I just need a few minutes to record this episode and then
I'll let her in. She gets so anxious when I'm far
away from her. Anyway, I was talking about
something that I truly appreciate about fans of this
podcast is is that they consistently let me know they
are watching, they are listening.
They consistently give me feedback.
And when they miss my voice on here, they bombard me with
messages about why I need to get my my shit together.
And I was just explaining to someone how when I'm when I'm
when I'm happy, I tend to be a bit more quiet.
I tend to just enjoy, like to fall back and enjoy and bask in
my happiness. And most times when I'm happy, I
don't have much to say. But when I'm sad and heartbroken
or grieving and stuff, that's when I usually have so much to
say. And I think that's why sometimes
I go on these hiatus just to to like enjoy my happiness.
And then when something bothers me, I come back here on to rant
and express myself and all the things I'm feeling.
So I'm going to name this episode Becoming and unbecoming
halfway through 29 because I turned 29 this this year and
I've truly been enjoying the year so far.
I'm halfway through 29 and I just want to talk a little bit
about what I've been up to. Just an update on my life to
kind of maybe help someone who's my age out there or someone
who's scared of getting to my age or someone who's
anticipating getting to my age, just to tell them a bit about
what 29 is looking like for me. I've been recording on this
podcast for about 5 years now, since I was maybe 24 years old,
and by then I had already achieved a lot career wise and
also through my healing journey. I think it's important that I
keep sharing my stories, not just so I have an archive when
I'm older and I want to listen to what I was doing at what age,
but also so that, like I said, people who are anticipating
getting here, people who are wondering what 29 looks like or
people who are scared about it can maybe get a picture from my
perspective. Especially people who like my
content. You know, I mentioned that I
started this podcast five years ago because if you go and
listen, then I was really, really scared.
I mean, I was achieving stuff, but I was so unsure about a lot
of things. I was consistently anxious,
very, very broke. OK, not that broke, but like,
you know, it's different. 29 feels a bit different.
And that's what I want to talk about all the things I've been
able to achieve. OK, so I wrote this script last
week because I was supposed to record this episode last week.
A lot of things have changed in this one last one week, but I'm
still going to go through it and see if these things that I wrote
still fit. So last week when I wrote the
script, it was a random cold day.
It's been very cold in Nairobi this July 2025 and my cat was
chilling at the balcony and I had just made some tea for
myself. I wanted to have a hot mug of
tea and then take a nap and then later I would wake up and go
shopping. So the reason I mention what I'm
about to do is because there was a time this kind of life or this
lifestyle was just an idea for me. 3 years ago when I used to
come on here and complain about my fucked up job that I really
really used to hate, that was draining all my energy and my
creativity, I used to try. I used to manifest this life
where I can wake up, cook whatever I want, sleep how much
I want, walk, if I feel like, go out shopping if I want to get in
my car, drive, go shopping and I can confidently say that I've
managed to manifest this life. This is the life that I'm living
right now. I'm living in my dream life.
And like I said, I love recording and speaking a lot
more when my feelings are hurt. And something that prompted me
to want to record and talk about how I'm feeling currently radars
last week. But currently is that I wanted
to buy some makeup. OK, The truth is I've never
bought makeup for myself the first time.
I OK, I have I have actually, when the first time I got into
makeup and I was trying to learn about how to use makeup.
This was maybe when I was 20 or 21 years old.
It's like 9 years ago, eight years ago, I'd go to town and
there was easy my shops to sizli Kosnozanga makeup in connector
Dubois. I went to Dubois and I bought
those makeups Nasovito Zili Kosani wash, also nearly Kona
parka. But I really used to struggle.
They would make my face break out and it was so bad.
So I never really knew how to make to buy my own makeup.
Plus those days I could Kona vitukama shade matching and CG.
What? You just buy whatever you
thought you'd liked or whatever you thought made sense after
watching a bunch of YouTube tutorials.
So anyway, Fast forward to 8-9 years later.
I can afford oh the next time I got makeup now nice makeup.
A friend of mine was in the US and he purchased for me a full
face of makeup. Like he bought me everything.
The next time after that I just tweeted randomly I wrote Oh my
goodness I wish I could afford mascara it's so expensive.
Someone again from Maju sent me a package full of makeup.
So really, I don't have good history with buying my own
makeup. And this year I can finally
afford to buy my own makeup. So I went online after a friend
recommended someplace and I messaged them and I told them,
hey, you know, I'm I want to purchase and their customer
service was so horrible. It was so horrible.
And I think this triggered a lot of things that I was feeling a
week before this, I had just, I, I had been, I was going through,
you know, my PMSPMDD stuff. And I have started breaking up
with people crashing friendships, crashing
relationships, because during this time is when I start to
overthink about how much I exact myself in people's lives and if
I feel like my relationships are reciprocated, if I'm loved
enough. But this time I'm also usually
going through a lot of self doubt, a lot of self hate, a lot
of self harm ideation, A cause, a lot of drama within my
friendships. I think the people around me
right now are used to it and kind of know how to deal with
me. But when I'm not isolating, I
have to come out and show myself to the people who love me so
that they can know how to deal with me in that space.
Anyway, I was very emotional at this time.
I wasn't a drama, but I was very emotional at this time.
I had been going through kind of, you know, someone I really,
really, truly care about and a lot of things were happening.
I think I was a bit anxious. I don't know about a lot of
stuff. My life is, my life is good and
amazing and happy, but I was just going through a lot
emotionally and I start feeling like nobody cares about me.
Nobody understands what I feel. Nobody cares about me.
I was talking to the last time I went to get my nails done.
I was talking to my late nail lady about friendships and
about, you know, just the different dynamics between
amongst friends. That's actually the episode I'm
going to record next after this. And I was telling her about how,
you know, through different phases of relationships.
Right now, I'm at a space in my life where I truly am enjoying
my solitude. I'm not locking myself out of
romantic relationships, but I truly, truly do enjoy my life as
is. I'm having so much fun.
I'm truly enjoying. I mean, I do want to be in love
with someone who is in love with me and, you know, to enjoy an
Astro romantic relationship. But I also feel like I'm very,
very content with the kind of life I've created for myself
right now. And, you know, I'm in a phase
where a lot of my friends are getting hitched, they're getting
married, they're having kids very intentionally.
And since I'm not kinda, I mean, fully on board on that chain, I
feel very, very isolated. Even when I hang out with my
friends, most of them are either married or they're in very
serious relationships. And I'm usually the one who's
single or the one who's there alone.
I'm not complaining, get me? Right.
I'm not complaining about the situation.
It's just it's a bit much more noticeable.
And you see, the thing with this is that it means our lives are
changing. It means we can't hang out as
much or they can't show. We can't show up for each other
as much. And as the single friend, I find
myself always, almost always having free time, enough time to
attend people's birthday parties, peoples spousal staff,
peoples weddings, peoples rushes, people.
I'm always checking, I'm always contributing, I'm always showing
up. But as a single friend who is
not having these milestones, nobody's really checking up on
me. Nobody's checking, Am I fine?
Am I happy? Everyone just assumes I'm, you
know, my life is perfect and it's amazing.
And it is true, my life is perfect for me.
But it would be really, really nice if the people around me
were much more conscious of the fact that I also require
companionship on a very personal level.
And listen, I'm not complaining. I'm not fighting at you giving
your kids more attention than me.
No, I understand the dynamics of friendships are changing now,
but it's just I'm the one who's still extending myself while
nobody's taking time to think about me.
And my friend was like the lady who does my nails well, is like,
what? Oh, my goodness, you're making
so much sense. And I feel so bad because I'm
out. I'm your friend as well.
And just because I have kids doesn't mean I shouldn't check
up on you. And by the way, from that day,
she's been checking up on me consistently, not just because I
need to go get my nails done, but she's been very intentional
about making sure she's also checking in on me, checking in
on my mental health, you know, finding out if I'm fine.
And I truly, truly appreciate this.
Well, of course, the friends, you know, these friends who are
family who are really, really, really, really like in the very
inner circle. So they consistently know
everything. But I'm talking about maybe the
second tier of friendship, people who you really love and
you love to be around, but maybe you're not around all the time.
And sometimes, you know, life is busy.
There's this friendships where you guys can go so long without
seeing each other, but the, the relationship is still there, you
know, So those kind, those are the kind of friendships I was
talking about. I'm trying to figure out if they
really are friendships because I think true friendship weathers
all sorts of seasons, right? Like whether you're having a
baby or I'm getting married or I'm traveling abroad or
whatever, through whatever season or I'm breathing, we're
supposed to be able to uphold the friendship with
intentionality, right? So that's what I've been
thinking. And right now my my friend is my
mom. I do have really close friends
who I truly love, but I realize that anytime I have so much to
say, I'm consistently calling my mom to just offload on her and
tell her a lot. Well, I'm still happy and
grateful about my life far. I think not.
I think so far I've been able to achieve all my goals for the
year. And funny thing is, this always
happens by August. Every December I write down a
set of goals that I have for myself.
And I'm starting to realize that even without much intentionality
or paying much attention to these goals, I always achieve
them by August. Because when I go back to my
list and start to tick them off, I usually have achieved about 98
or 100% of everything. So I get to enjoy the last
quarter of the year. I get to rest and replenish and
enjoy the fruits of my hard work.
And this is such a nice feeling. I mean, I'm enjoying the kind of
life I've been able to create for myself.
With a lot of new beautiful beginnings also comes a lot of
endings. Sometimes, not always beautiful,
but still worth mentioning. I've gone through a lot of
endings, a lot of cut offs, a lot of loss, and I just feel
like I'm in a chapter where I'm truly able to embrace.
I've been telling a friend of mine about how being 29 has been
the best thing that ever happened in my life.
I don't know why this they sell us this thing about, you know,
when you're approaching party, it's supposed to be doom and
grim. I feel like at 29, I'm much more
confident than I have ever been. I'm much more beautiful, I'm
sexier, I have much more money, I'm much more stable, I have
confidence, so much conviction. I have so much peace.
Everyone I love is happy and healthy.
I'm able to express and explore my feelings.
The only thing that's not happening is in my sex life.
That's the only stagnant thing in my life.
Everything is really moving positively and amazing.
And the reason I'm not having sex is truly, I do want to have
sex. I want a very active sex life.
Trust me. I probably even am trying to get
laid. But the person I want to have
sex with, I don't want to say doesn't want to have sex with me
because I'd be lying. But it's just complicated sex.
But this age requires a lot of intention and deliberation.
And because I know what kind of sex can make me feel the way I
want to feel, if I'm not having exactly that, I can't really
settle for anything less. So it's a little bit harder to,
you know, have boring or casual or, you know, sex that doesn't
mean anything. I mean, I have tried, but it
just doesn't satisfy me the way I wanted to satisfy me.
I was with there's a time I had sex.
The last time I had sex, I had sex with a friend of mine.
Well, I don't know if we're friends, but you know, we have a
sexual history and we we used to have a friendship going on and
we had missed each other. But I feel like Illinois quatu
Sexyamanja it was, was really rushed, but it was there was no
emotion. Basically.
I can say I felt nothing. I felt nothing.
I wasn't attached to the feeling.
It actually feels like I didn't have sex.
Oh, my goodness. I'm so mean, right?
I'm just being honest. It has nothing to do with the
other person. It has a lot to do with the fact
that right now I'm much more grown, much more.
I know what I want. So it makes it hard for me to
settle for anything that does not fit this description.
So, yeah, I mean, I'm ready for new stuff.
And I've been telling you guys about how I've been looking at
houses. I'm really really ready to move
to my the next apt. I want somewhere fresh,
somewhere that's just new and has a lot of change.
And this has been making me a bit scared to decorate my house
because I keep feeling like I want to leave but at the same
time I'm telling myself it's OK to enjoy while I'm still here.
So I put up my art and I've started creating my gallery
wall. I've, I've been making the house
a bit more homely for as long as I'm here, at least until the
time I find the House of my, you know, the apartment of my dreams
that I truly, truly love. Well, apartments in Nairobi are
pretty expensive and it's a really rigorous process to get,
you know, the kind of house you want unless you're moving out of
town. The houses out of town are
really, really nice and very affordable.
But the distance I'm trying to, I don't know if I'm trying to
achieve something impossible. I'm trying to find a house
that's central to all my businesses, which is basically
in the middle of the city, but still affordable and still very,
very beautiful. I don't know if that's
achievable because all the houses around, you know,
anywhere around central Nairobi are pretty much expensive and
sometimes not even as beautiful as you'd need them to be.
So, yeah. And even now to go, to go a
little bit back into my friendships, you know, I've been
making new friends as well. And I've truly been enjoying the
experience of getting to meet new people and to love new
people. It's so beautiful to throw
myself out there. And in the spirit of all this,
I've been trying to get feedback from my relationships just so I
can know how I've been doing and what kind of person I've been.
You know, sometimes you think you're progressing and you're
doing so much better, but maybe I'm timing on the same spot.
I'm not learning. A friend of mine called me out
and said, you know, something they've really, really noticed
about me is that I try so hard to create a safe space without
realizing that this wall that I'm building to keep me safe is
also consistently keeping me away from the beauty on the
other side. Which is true.
My mind, my mind wasn't really blown, but I felt like, my
goodness, how can someone read me to a tee like that?
I mean, I am an open book, but being read like that, I don't
know. So I asked him, the friend of
mine, you know, what do you think I can change or improve in
the way I am a friend to you? And she told me that I do this
thing where I act like I don't need help, where I'm very
independent. But it's coming off as hyper
independence because I don't ask for help.
I struggle a lot alone. I do not express myself in the
time that I need to. And then I keep it all in.
And then one day I just blow up. And this is true.
This is something I've been noticing that I've been doing.
I like that I'm in relationships where people can be very honest
with me and tell me what they feel about how I am because it
helps me open my eyes to the things, to the blind spots that
maybe I wouldn't necessarily see if I was isolating and sitting
by myself without trying to improve on said things.
And I think this is what is keeping me from romantic
relationships because I keep thinking I'm ready.
I'm very emotionally available. And then I realized that I love
to push people away and I'm truly, truly scared of being
needed in that way, in a very serious way, or, you know, being
held accountable, especially emotionally.
It's hard work, but it's necessary work.
But also it's very scary work to to let people see raw parts of
me like that. It's just, it's something that I
am trying to work on, but I'm also realizing that it's messing
up a lot of my relationships because at the end of the the
day when I'm going through my PMS ING stuff, I start to blame
people for not showing up for me when I was the one who was not
opening up and asking or seeking help intentionally.
I know this stems from my childhood where stuff would be
done for me and I would consistently be reminded, you
know, I paid your school fees, I fed you I, So I try to make sure
that I'm self-sufficient. And just that I don't need
anybody so that no one can rub it in my face that they did
anything for me. So even me going to people and
asking for anything, even me coming to my friends and saying,
hey, I need help, That's such a big, big deal for me.
But I've purposed to walk on myself so that I don't bleed on
the people that love me so that they don't feel like I don't
need them or I don't want them in my life because there's
people who do this to me as well.
So I know exactly what it feels like and I know how heartful it
can be. But I'm working on myself and
I've realized that the more I've been focused on improving my
life and loving myself, the more magnetic magnetic I've become.
I've truly been enjoying and attracting amazing
opportunities, more beauty in my life.
Everything in my life is really, really, truly beautiful.
I was scared to record this episode because I was.
I was saying to someone how I know the episode will feel like
I'm bragging because everything in my life is super, super
perfect and I've already achieved everything.
But if you're an avid listener here, you'd realize this happens
to me every year. Every year I I talk about how I
achieve, I plan my goals and how I research on them and how I
achieve them. So this is just me sharing even
if it comes out as bragging. I hope you can see from a
positive light and understand that everyone can achieve what
I'm achieving. I'm just a normal girl and I'm
considerably trying to show myself that I can be good to
myself and love myself better. So that's why I shared these
stories so that we can all grow and heal together.
Also, I've also been learning about myself that even as I'm
healing and growing and doing better and, you know, becoming
better, the parts of Maine that were angry, hard, scared,
impatient, anxious, depressed, they still exist within me.
It doesn't mean that now I'm perfect or I'm absorbed of
everything that I've ever done or felt or thought.
It just means that I'm still the Roberta that's very, very
imperfect. But at the same time, I'm still
this Roberta who's working on being even better than I was.
So you need to remember to stop being too hard on yourself
throughout your growth. It's not easy to remember all
the time, but This is why you need to be working on a healthy
support system that you know reminds you the same way I'm
able to go to my friends and ask, you know, how can I be a
better a friend to you? How can I fix our friendship,
blah, blah blah. That's how you should be able to
do with yourself. Check in with yourself,
introspect, ask yourself questions, build a community
that holds you accountable and is able to tell you the truth
about exactly how you are. This is actually a question I
love to ask the people around me.
You know, how can I be better to you?
How can I do better? And they always tell me the
truth. Sometimes the truth is is
painful to take in and accept, but it's also usually always,
absolutely always necessary. It helps.
But you see, the people who are meeting me now or recently have
not witnessed the raw and unkempt versions of me.
They've just met this perfect girl who achieve all her goals.
And I feel like this sets a very, very crazy, you know,
standard in people's minds. So anytime I'm not perfect, I
can see people's disappointed. Like for instance, I'll give a
practical example. I was speaking to a friend of
mine who he's a professor and you know, he keeps saying he's a
professor, but he keeps saying how he's consistently, how he
consistently admires my ability to communicate my emotions.
So already in his head, he has this perception that I'm this
amazing communicator until we started talking now texting on a
very personal level. And I think he was getting
frustrated because first of all, he, I, I don't know, I, I get, I
get distracted easily. I get distracted easily,
especially if the conversation is not, you know, fast-paced
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I mean, he was trying to, we
were trying to have a conversation, but I was building
these walls that, you know, my friends are talking about.
And he kept wondering why I'm not letting him in on a friendly
level. I kept being very vague and
short with my answers. Or, you know, I was just like he
was telling me that he was noticing I'm two different
people on a on a professional level, I'm a very amazing
communicator. But when it comes to personal
relationships, I truly struggle. And I told him, OK, yeah, it's
true. And that because of that, you
have to stop seeing me as Roberta the communicator, and
just treat me as Roberta, your friend who is complex, who is a
human being with lots of emotions.
I feel stuff on a personal level.
It's very different from when I'm on a stage somewhere telling
you about what I think. It's very different from when
I'm here texting you about how I truly, truly feel about
something. So get to know me on a personal
level and don't judge me from, you know, what you see of me
professionally. I think a lot of people have a
hard time reconciling that these two people are all me.
But I'm I'm different. It's important that you get to
know me. So people, I find people expect
me to be perfect a lot. So they get shocked when I even
you know, speak my mind, speak my emotions or when I call stuff
out or even when I stand up for myself because most times I'm
always just chill. I don't speak a lot.
This is especially in my personal life.
I never, I don't complain that much.
I don't, I don't know, I'm always just chill.
So anytime I'm not chill everyone goes crazy.
It's like most times I have to convince other people that I
actually have feelings and the things that they do to me or,
you know, I lack thereof will affect me or impact me in some
ways. But then again, maybe it's not
other people I need to convince. Maybe it's myself that I have to
believe that I'm a human being and I have to start showing up
as a human being, which comes back to what my friends are
calling me out on. I need to understand that I'm,
I'm a human. I cry, I feel things and I don't
have to go through life alone. So This is why I've purposed to,
you know, and learn and learn how to just be a human being
with emotions so that people can take me that way.
I've also been realizing that even though I've been making
friends and actually I've been going out outside the house a
bit more, I get so overwhelmed being outside and around people
that I don't know. I've been pushing myself.
But sometimes it gets so exhausting and I have to take so
long to recover from all the social interactions that I go
through. And then I start remembering how
people really are. You know, how people sometimes
you can be hanging out in a circle and you know, these
people who are jealous as people who are vindictive hanging
around alone by myself really, really protects me from a lot of
stuff. But then it's not the way to
live life. I don't want to be 80 listening
to my podcast talking about how all I did was stay in the house
the whole year. I want to be someone who, you
know, lives life and how this fun and goes out there.
So I've been working on that. I mean, I have been leaving the
house, but I've also been taking a lot of time to rest and
recover after growth is also making me want to shut up more.
And this is the reason I don't have podcasts coming out all the
time. I mean, on YouTube, yes, on
Heartfelt with Bobby, on dialogues of Jack on the
dialogues of Jacketo show and also on TV, but right here on
Love and orgasms, because this is a bit more of a personal
platform for me. I've just been realizing that
with growth comes a certain type of privacy that I'm trying to
protect. And it's not that I don't want
to share parts of me with you anymore.
It's just I, I, I have the awareness that it's important to
do stuff around energy that is safe and energy of love so that
I can maximize on the potential of everything I touch.
And it has been working so far. So now I'm ready to share and
talk a bit more about, you know, what I've been doing and what
I've been up to. But when when I've been going
through it, I've just been feeling like Nah, I don't have
much to say. I'm also starting to see a lot
of things clearly. I'm able to see people for who
they are. So choosing the people to be
around is a bit easier for me now.
I have much more clarity and stability.
I'm more forgiving of myself, more forgiving of all my
mistakes. I feel like I have more at stake
and at the same time I have more responsibilities.
So now I truly owe it to myself to make sure that I'm absolutely
showing up for myself in the ways that I always need to.
Well, I'm enjoying life and while it feels too real, it also
feels too beautiful most of the time.
To be honest, 29 has been amazing.
It is amazing. Not has been It is amazing.
I'm enjoying my life so much. I'm enjoying my relationship
with my friends, my parents and the people I love, my
colleagues, my career, my finances, my my cat.
My cat's name is honey. I'm I'm truly, truly enjoying
everything that I have. I can't take anything for
granted. I'm consistently filled with
gratitude. Even just waking up in the
morning feels amazing. Going to bed.
I'm always so excited going to bed in the evening.
What can I say? I just really, really love life.
Well, like I said, the only part that's lacking is my sexual
life. I'm not really having sex.
This is not intentional. I mean, I'm not staying away
from sex intentionally. I just don't want to have sex
that doesn't mean anything to me and isn't fulfilling me in the
ways that I need it too. Happiness is very imperfect.
Sometimes it looks like sadness, sometimes it looks like loss,
sometimes it looks like smiling, sometimes it looks like walking
out, eating right. Sometimes it looks like laying
in bed all day, staying in bed all week.
You know happiness looks like a lot of things and it is very
imperfect. What I'd add you to do today is
try and notice the things that you are happy about and the ways
that you love yourself. And there's some advice I got
from a friend, a new friend, his name is Bobby Gadia.
Bobby is a just Google him if you want to see who he is.
I don't want to expose a lot about him here, but he told me
that every day you wake up in the morning, find something to
be grateful for. Less complaining, more
gratitude. And I follow this advice in
August. And by the third week, this is
when I had realized I had achieved all the goals that I
had for the year. Everything that I touched turned
into gold. Everything I was dreaming about
actually came true for me. And this is real.
Fast fast witness account. I don't lie on here.
I lie sometimes to *** but I don't lie on here so follow
Bobby's advice with me and see what changes with you and then
come back and tell me in the comments how being grateful and
loving your life has transformed everything that you've done for
yourself. 29 has come with much more realization, much more
acceptance, much more contentment.
I am truly, truly happy with my life.
I love everything about my life and I'm truly basking in the
best, the best. I know the best is yet to come,
but right now this has this has been the best year for me.
So tell me what you've been grateful for.
Tell me what you're going to be grateful for, and then come back
and tell me what you've achieved through gratitude.
This is what 29 has looked like for me, is looking like for me.
Filled with so much love and peace and beauty.
I just wish it had much more sex.
Till next time.