1 00:00:20,460 --> 00:00:24,180 Hello there everybody. Today's discussion is going to 2 00:00:24,180 --> 00:00:27,220 be on intimacy. A lot of you know that I'm an 3 00:00:27,220 --> 00:00:31,380 intimacy coach and this means that I teach people how to 4 00:00:31,380 --> 00:00:35,540 navigate intimacy not only in their romantic relationships, 5 00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:39,140 but especially in their intrapersonal relationships, 6 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,660 which means your relationship with yourself. 7 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:45,180 And in turn, how this effects all the relationships 8 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,640 surrounding news, the relationships around yourself. 9 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,840 Today I want us to talk about intimacy, what it really is, 10 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,840 what it entails, what it looks like so that when you see it, 11 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,360 maybe you can recognize it. And how to curate your own 12 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,080 meaning for yourself so that you're able to share it with the 13 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:04,160 people around you and in turn, experience and enjoy it for 14 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,840 yourself and in your other relationships. 15 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:11,560 When someone mentions intimacy, especially in my area code, I'm 16 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,800 from Nairobi, Kenya. Or maybe it's also wild over 17 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,200 phenomenon. When you mention intimacy, we 18 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,480 tend to think about sex, a sexual relationship. 19 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,360 That's what people think about. But today I want to separate 20 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:27,400 intimacy from sex so that you can see what intimacy really 21 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,880 means and what it looks like. Intimacy for me is a feeling of 22 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:33,000 trust and closeness and connection. 23 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:36,120 This is when you're able to exist, whether it is within 24 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:39,560 yourself or within other relationships, and create a 25 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,720 feeling of trust and closeness. So whatever helps you create 26 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:47,520 this feeling, brings about intimacy, helps you get 27 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,640 intimate. Intimacy can definitely be 28 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,800 cultivated and taught because even for me, I think I've been 29 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:57,080 avoidant for a very long time. Like my attachment style has 30 00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:00,680 been very avoidant Kitambo, which means a long time ago I 31 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:05,480 used to be very anxious. I used to, you know, be clingy. 32 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,600 And I never had a lot of independence when it came to 33 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,680 relationships. But as I got hurt over and over 34 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:16,120 and over, I flipped the coin and I turned to the other side where 35 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,760 now I mean, also when I was being anxious, it stemmed from 36 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:23,720 me being hurt and neglected. But now me becoming very 37 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:27,480 avoidant was a response of OK, nobody's going to stay. 38 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,720 Nobody's going to love me the way I want to be loved. 39 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:33,160 So I'm shutting everyone out because everyone always 40 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,920 disappoints me and hurts my feelings. 41 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,720 I'm never letting this world down and I'm never letting 42 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,680 anyone come close enough to me to hurt me. 43 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:44,240 That was the beginning of my avoidance in my relationships. 44 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,960 I say this to bring about that intimacy can definitely be 45 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:52,000 cultivated and it can be taught because for me to learn to 46 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:56,720 enjoy, I had to teach myself and then learn to recognize it in 47 00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:59,520 other people. My avoidance tendencies were 48 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:03,040 always causing me to run away from anything that requires me 49 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:06,680 to be very vulnerable. And for you to exist in life, 50 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,680 you require a level of vulnerability, whether it's with 51 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,640 yourself or with the people, people around you. 52 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:15,120 You have to show yourself your real face at some point so that 53 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,560 you're able to understand yourself and even love yourself 54 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,400 better. Without this, I don't think it's 55 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,640 it's possible for you to love yourself fully, like at 100%. 56 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:25,600 So This is why it's important for you to understand why 57 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:29,240 building a very secure attachment style helps you love 58 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,680 yourself more. By the way, this podcast is not 59 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,240 majorly about relationships with other people. 60 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:39,600 Yes, it is a consequence of loving yourself, but my main 61 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,520 message always starts from self. It's about you, it's about 62 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,160 yourself. It's about loving yourself 63 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,880 really, really well so that this can translate into all the other 64 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,800 relationships in your life. And a good way that I was able 65 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:55,720 to teach myself to recognize intimacy or to accept intimacy 66 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,960 or to even know that I wanted trust and connection and 67 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,320 closeness with myself and with other people. 68 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:06,320 First of all, I was surrounding myself with givers, people who 69 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,960 truly, truly loved me and saw me for who I was. 70 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:13,080 Being around them helped me start breaking down my wall. 71 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,279 This wall of mine is not all the way down, but I can say I've 72 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:20,120 made tremendous growth and huge improvements for the people 73 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,920 who've been in my life long. They know. 74 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,640 They know what I'm talking about South, surrounding myself with 75 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,920 people who really, really, truly loved me. 76 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:31,160 It was like a light bulb moment. It was like, oh wow, if ABC can 77 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:34,360 love me this this way, if they can love me like this, if they 78 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,880 can truly show me I don't need to be avoidant or anxious when 79 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:41,080 it comes to vulnerability and just being myself. 80 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,760 This means that I can show up for myself like that. 81 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:48,120 And being around these people taught me how to love myself, to 82 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,800 see myself. And then over time, it just 83 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,400 translated in the way that I'm able to love other people. 84 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,320 Well, I'm still working on it, but I can definitely say I've 85 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,320 come a long way. I still have friends who 86 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:02,480 complain that I'm a hard not to crack like my colleague Jaguaro 87 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,000 on the dialogue, the Jaguar show on YouTube. 88 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:09,480 We Co host, we host on the show together and he's always 89 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:13,520 complaining about we did an episode on friendship and this 90 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,960 is a very vulnerable conversation because in the 91 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,800 conversation I asked him do you consider me a friend? 92 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,160 And he said no. We've known each other for like 93 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,240 a couple years and of course by virtue of working together we 94 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:28,960 hung around each other a lot. And he's someone I consider a 95 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,200 friend. I will I will explain why I 96 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,280 consider him a friend in a bit. But I told him yes, I do 97 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,560 consider your friend. And he said no, I don't consider 98 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,280 your friend. This is because our definitions 99 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:42,920 of friendships are not the same. But he explained to me why he 100 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,040 doesn't consider me a friend. It's because of my avoidance. 101 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,640 He said I'm such a hard nut to crack. 102 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,440 He never knows anything about me, he never knows anything 103 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,320 about my life. He doesn't know what I have 104 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,920 going on, what I'm thinking, what I'm doing. 105 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,840 And for him to consider someone a friend, that's a very integral 106 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:02,200 part of like life. And it makes sense to me. 107 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,920 It makes sense why he would say he doesn't consider me a friend. 108 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:09,480 But for me, my reason for considering considering him a 109 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,400 friend is because I don't even hang around people I don't 110 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:17,120 trust, like even work wise, like with a colleague, if all we're 111 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,000 doing is walk, I'm going to come and walk and I'm going to leave 112 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,200 and go do other things, put my energy in the people and the 113 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,600 things that I trust and feel very close to. 114 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,440 I'm not very I don't open up very easily. 115 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:31,000 You might say, Oh my God, but you tell us everything on the 116 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:34,560 podcast. Well, yes, I trust this channel 117 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:38,600 to speak my mind because I don't really care for, you know, 118 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,600 outsiders onions telling me, Oh, I had this about you. 119 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:45,120 I had, but it really matters to me the people that I, I'm 120 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,840 surrounded with, like in very close proximity especially, I 121 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,760 care about the opinions of me. I care about like for example, 122 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,800 my mother or even my best friend. 123 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,320 I care if they have something to say. 124 00:06:55,320 --> 00:07:00,080 Like if they told me, you know, this is what you did or this is 125 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,160 how you look like. I really care about their 126 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,400 opinions, not just criticism, opinions in general. 127 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,320 Me being around Jaggero and me telling him all these things I 128 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,280 tell him and all the time we hung out and all that, you know, 129 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,320 we open up to each other. I open up to him. 130 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:19,720 I think me in from my opinion, I see it as the fact that I'm even 131 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,880 able to be around you already that qualifies you as my friend. 132 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,840 Because I don't hang around many people. 133 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,520 I don't hang around people at all. 134 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:30,280 I'm always by myself or with my very close Sacco. 135 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,520 If I'm not with my mom, I'm in my house. 136 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,600 And you could say, yeah, we hung around each other because we're 137 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,560 colleagues. But well, it's true. 138 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,440 I don't know if there were other, if we weren't colleagues, 139 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,040 if we'd be hanging around each other like the way we do. 140 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:47,480 But my point is when I was answering that question, I truly 141 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:50,160 feel like he's someone I can talk to, someone I can go to 142 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,800 fulfill something, but the feeling is not mutual. 143 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,360 That's not something he feels about me. 144 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:58,840 And I completely understood what he was meaning or what he was 145 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,080 trying to say. People have different 146 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,160 definitions of friendship and intimacy for themselves and this 147 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,920 is very much allowed. So he said I'm I had not to 148 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,880 crack. But in in my defense, it's just 149 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,960 a trauma response. I truly believe it's a trauma 150 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,120 response from me being able to recognize patterns, like I'm 151 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,840 able to see the trajectory of my relationship with other people 152 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:24,360 even before tufiq embalina dranga uyuta, chakangala Shana. 153 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,520 So I completely understand. But with this circle of mind 154 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,600 that I've curated for myself, there's so much consideration, 155 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:35,000 gifting, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, kindness. 156 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,559 And it is from them that I've been able to learn, like from 157 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,520 the people around me that I've been able to learn. 158 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,520 And slowly I'm starting to come out of my shell and I'm starting 159 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:49,320 to boom and just be open. So hopefully in a while, Jaguar 160 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,560 will be able to to consider me a friend. 161 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,320 Not that it's a requirement, it's just, I think it's, it's a 162 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,040 safe space to create for someone that you're working with or 163 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,640 you're hanging around with so much and you know, you're doing 164 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,400 something together. It's like the projects we do are 165 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,400 our babies. And I would love for us to be 166 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:09,520 able to, you know, create with love and send love and good 167 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,440 energies out there so that even when you're watching us or when 168 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,400 you're consuming anything that we're doing, you're able to see, 169 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,680 Oh my goodness, these people really, really give a fuck about 170 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,240 not just what they're doing, but each other. 171 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:25,760 So I thought about discussing intimacy, like I said, because a 172 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,800 lot of people think intimacy just comes about from sex. 173 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:33,400 And this Changi has a lot in why people have a lot of random 174 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,280 reckless sex because there's a feeling they're chasing that 175 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,160 they think this feeling of closeness and trust, they think 176 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,160 they will get it from sex. They fail to realize that you 177 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:45,600 have to cultivate the intimacy even before you reach mombosa 178 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:49,920 sex like before at a kukuena specia kusama I am horny or I 179 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,560 wanna bang. It has to, you have to have 180 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:55,360 created a safe space of closeness and, and intimacy. 181 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:59,320 And the reason I brought this topic up is because I won't say 182 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:03,120 when, but there's a time I was with someone I really, really 183 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,520 like. We were hanging out. 184 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,800 We were watching Netflix and just, you know, eating snacks 185 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:10,120 and hanging out. We didn't have sex. 186 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,320 Our decision not to have sex was very intentional. 187 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,800 I mean, we could have if we wanted to. 188 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:19,280 We did want to. It was like me, we had 189 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:23,400 intentionally decided not to because of the state of our 190 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,240 emotional health. I mean, we were reconnecting 191 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,160 after a long time physically. Rather, both he and I did not 192 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:34,440 want our reunion to come from a place of I'm horny and This is 193 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,440 why you're here. I mean, that is part of us 194 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,640 hanging out with each other, but that was not the main reason why 195 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,880 we're hanging out with each other. 196 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,520 So it was very important for him to show me like, hey, I didn't 197 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:46,760 bring you here to sleep with you. 198 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,920 I brought you here because I I actually value your time and I 199 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,960 value your friendship and I really care about you. 200 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,840 And I discussed this in one episode on also dialogues of 201 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,400 Jacquero. And in the comments guys were 202 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,520 saying how can you hang out with someone you like so much? 203 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,640 I almost said you're in love with. 204 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,680 Maybe I'm in love with him, but how can you hang out with 205 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,960 someone like that And you know, you don't touch each other. 206 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,880 You don't even try to have sex. The reason is consent and 207 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,400 respect. The reason is there is so much 208 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:19,200 beyond sex. There is so much friendship and 209 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,400 intimacy and that's exactly what we wanted. 210 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,560 We wanted to be close to each other, to trust each other 211 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,320 again, not just to bang and then leave that place. 212 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,680 Feeling like I was used or him feeling like, oh, I don't know 213 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:34,560 how men normally feel after sex. Maybe they feel relief like oh, 214 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:39,360 Fuchs, I got that I'm just assuming, but that's not the 215 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,520 feeling we were chasing. And for him to be cognizant and 216 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,960 even, you know, hold back because let me tell you, Mimi, I 217 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:49,160 was ready if if he said let's do this, I was gonna do it. 218 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,840 But for him to be able to hold back and in turn me to follow 219 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:56,480 his lead and understand that he doesn't want to make me feel 220 00:11:56,480 --> 00:12:02,200 those feelings of I've been used or because let's face it, if the 221 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:06,200 sex is not consensual or if it was not discussed beforehand, at 222 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,680 least for me, I normally feel like I've been hoodwinked, like 223 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,640 this was not the plan, this is not what we discussed, this is 224 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:16,080 not what I wanted or intended. So when it happens, even if I do 225 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:19,440 it consensually, I always leave the situation feeling like wait, 226 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,560 wait, wait, wait, hold up, Is that what I really, really 227 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,360 wanted? So just being able to hang out 228 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:30,920 with each other and feel close and talk and share and laugh and 229 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:34,720 share snacks and watch something together, create memories. 230 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:38,960 That's such an amazing way of cultivating intimacy. 231 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:42,680 And this means a lot to me because let's be frank, most of 232 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,440 the times as a woman, when you're hanging out with a man, 233 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,080 sex is always at the back of the head, at the back or at the 234 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:50,880 front. It's always being taught about. 235 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,520 It's always the thought is always in the vicinity. 236 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:57,080 So I truly appreciate when I'm able to hang out with someone 237 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,720 and that's not their agenda. Any they're not, that's not what 238 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,680 they're trying. Any they're not hungry and 239 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:04,000 reckless and just trying to get in my pants. 240 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,640 They actually care about my emotions. 241 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:09,000 They care about my comfort, about consent and about how I 242 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,280 feel about the whole situation. Of course, we we touched a bit 243 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,440 and we kissed and we were cuddling and there was some, you 244 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,840 know, just talking, laughing and sharing food. 245 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:21,320 It I walked out, I walked out of that situation feeling even more 246 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,680 in love. The respect that I had for him, 247 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,800 it skyrocketed. The love and the admiration that 248 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,560 I had for him is skyrocketed because he showed me he has 249 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,120 self-discipline. Well, someone might argue that 250 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:36,320 Oh yeah, anyone can can pretend so that to give you that feeling 251 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:39,120 of security. Well, whether he was pretending 252 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:43,200 or not, the fact that he even cared to respect me enough to 253 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,520 just make sure that the creating a feeling of trust and closeness 254 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:51,400 minus the sex, just that that's enough for me to feel respected 255 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,400 and honored and like my body was being very much respected. 256 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,720 I speak very, very highly of this person because of who he is 257 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,720 as a person. This is not a gimmick, or at 258 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,160 least I don't think it's a gimmick. 259 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,760 But the safety that I gathered from that and the comfort and 260 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:10,000 the reassurance, it just gave me so much confidence and 261 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,320 excitement for life. I left that place feeling like, 262 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,160 you know, that feeling of falling in love. 263 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,200 I felt like I'm falling in love over and over again. 264 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,360 But here's the catch. Not even with him, but with 265 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,120 myself, in the way he respected me. 266 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:28,360 He honored the the promises that we'd made. 267 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,360 It made me fall in love with myself. 268 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:35,120 And the next day, actually for the next week after that, his 269 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,240 smell was still in the air somewhere in my, in my, I don't 270 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,440 know if it's in my hair or in my, I don't know where. 271 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:49,280 But smelling like him just proved to me that intimacy 272 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:53,560 lingers beyond words. His care, his softness with me, 273 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,960 him being gentle, him caring, it lingers. 274 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,000 That's just one example. I give another example of my 275 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,840 female friends while I'm with my girlfriends. 276 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,560 My girlfriends are very intentional with the way we love 277 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,440 each other, the way we celebrate each other, the way we treat 278 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,280 each other. Just from my mother. 279 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,400 As I'm sitting there recording this, I'm looking at some 280 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,000 shopping my mum has done for me. And it's not that she's a tea, a 281 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,360 tea, we have everything so she can do shopping for me all the 282 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,640 time. But it's just such a loving 283 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,200 gesture. It's a gesture that comes from, 284 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:27,240 it's not something that I don't, I don't know how to explain it. 285 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:31,120 I mean, the love it just you can see it comes from the heart. 286 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,040 It comes from someone wanting to do something good for you. 287 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,120 And so they do it because they want to. 288 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:40,200 And this simple act, it's not simple and you can say, oh, 289 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,000 she's your mother, she should do it for you. 290 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:46,600 But I don't take it for granted because this act of selflessness 291 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,200 and love that comes from the heart, it lingers. 292 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,960 It has it has left me feeling so grateful and like I'm more in 293 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,440 love and not just in love with my mom, but more in love with 294 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,640 myself because I'm able to think, oh wow, I'm so deserving 295 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:02,960 of all these good feelings. I'm so deserving of all these 296 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,000 nice things that people do for me. 297 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:08,120 And it's because I also do these nice things for people. 298 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,520 I also also show up for people in, if not in the same way, in 299 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,800 the ways that they would like for me to show up for them. 300 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,760 So this is just like a comic debt. 301 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,560 It's just repayment of the way I show up in the world. 302 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,440 The world is showing up for me in the same way with my female 303 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:23,960 friends. We go out to nice restaurants, 304 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,280 we eat nice food, we send each other flowers, we cook for each 305 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,160 other, take care of each other while we're sick. 306 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:33,800 This is what intimacy is, this feeling of closeness and trust. 307 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,240 You know how we treat each other. 308 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,200 It's so easy for me to go and cry to my friend and tell her 309 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,360 this is what I need or this is what I'm going through. 310 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,920 Why? Because we've already cultivated 311 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:48,320 such a safe space for love. And you see, these feelings are 312 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,840 without sexual intimacy, they're without sex. 313 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,760 These feelings are not stemming from ATV fucked each other, 314 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,680 they're stemming from I care about you. 315 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:00,760 And so I'm going to do something nice for you so that you feel 316 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,800 loved and cared for. It goes a long way when someone 317 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,800 makes you feel very secure and it have us so much respect and 318 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,280 admiration. Intimacy breaks down walls and 319 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,160 helps you face and confront all your fears. 320 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:20,040 It never just it's never just about like wanting sex more of 321 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,839 feeling very cared for and very, very loved. 322 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,920 So today I'd like for you to workout of this discussion, 323 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,240 thinking about what intimacy means for you and how you can 324 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:34,520 create intimacy for yourself within yourself. 325 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,960 What are some of the things you do for yourself that help you 326 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,560 feel more comfortable and more able to be vulnerable and just 327 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,240 able to love yourself and fall in love with yourself more? 328 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:46,600 Because before expecting it from other people, I know I said 329 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,400 other people have helped me do it, but it becomes your sole 330 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,120 responsibility to ensure that you're able to enjoy being 331 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:56,160 intimate with yourself. Some of the ways that I do this 332 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,960 for myself is that I treat myself really, really well. 333 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,640 I care for myself. I wash myself, I clean myself, I 334 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:07,160 cook for myself, I feed myself, I pay my bills on time, I walk 335 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,280 for myself, I take care of myself. 336 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:12,000 I love myself so much and it reflects. 337 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,080 It shows in the way I am, in the way I take care of myself.