1 00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:25,340 I know it's been a while since you had my voice on here and I'm 2 00:00:25,340 --> 00:00:28,460 coming back with a bang. Well, on this episode I won't 3 00:00:28,460 --> 00:00:31,460 really be giving you guys an update on how I have been. 4 00:00:31,460 --> 00:00:34,940 As I usually do before the start of every episode. 5 00:00:35,060 --> 00:00:38,100 I want to talk about premenstrual dysphoric disorder. 6 00:00:38,260 --> 00:00:41,540 But I'm recording a bunch of episodes today and I promise the 7 00:00:41,540 --> 00:00:44,420 next one, we'll have much more updates on how I've been doing, 8 00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:47,500 what I've been up to, what is currently new in my life. 9 00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:50,920 Like in a episode, Nataka to learn Nataka to India class 10 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:54,080 class is in session. I know you guys have heard about 11 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:59,080 PMSPMDD. Now Lisa Nanga says in Guinea, 12 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:02,680 are you PMS ING or you've had people talk about I have PMDD. 13 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:06,000 Well, I'd like to have this discussion because I've realized 14 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:09,160 a lot of people do not know what these words mean or what they 15 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,680 are. And I think a lot of times when 16 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:16,720 it's conversations around the menstrual cycle, yeah, women, we 17 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:20,040 don't take it as lightly or give it the much importance it 18 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,240 deserves. And I don't know why, but I'd 19 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,640 like for us to start taking these conversations a lot more 20 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:30,320 seriously so that we're able to learn and understand more. 21 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:34,760 I'm recording this approximately an hour after arguing with the 22 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:37,200 love of my life, the absolute love of my life. 23 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,920 He's going to listen to this episode. 24 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,120 And I hope he smiles when he hears me say that. 25 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,800 But I know why I picked a fight with him. 26 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,640 I mean, I'm going through a bunch of emotional stuff and I 27 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:51,480 understand how someone who's on the receiving end of these 28 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:55,120 tantrums can actually start to feel like, hey, maybe you're 29 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,640 crazy or something is wrong with you, but let's have this 30 00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,680 discussion. My aim for having this 31 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:05,280 discussion is not to justify or excuse bad behavior. 32 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,160 It's just to create and shed light on what women actually go 33 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,200 through at this part of their cycle. 34 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,280 And I want to talk about it as I usually do from a very personal 35 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:20,120 perspective so that you guys can maybe try to understand girlies. 36 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,480 Send this episode to your boyfriend or your mom or your 37 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:27,160 girlfriend or whoever so that they can try to understand a bit 38 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,280 more. And I, I'm talking about this 39 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,880 because a year ago, before I experienced my first bar to 40 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:36,080 PMDD, I promised I would never have believed that this is 41 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,080 something that people actually go through. 42 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,880 You know when you experience something finally, especially 43 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,960 something that you've been caring about, whatever it could 44 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:47,200 be, maybe the loss of a job, grief, heartbreak, whatever it 45 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,000 is, until you experience it, you can only empathize and you can 46 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,360 only try to understand. But until you actually go 47 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,560 through it, this is a whole different ball game. 48 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:58,360 That's why I feel like now I'm ready. 49 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,840 After a whole year of doing my research and checking how my 50 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,320 body is reacting every month, now I can finally, I feel like I 51 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,320 finally can talk about it. As someone who's been through 52 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:13,120 it, PMS stands for Premenstrual syndrome, which is a bunch of 53 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,480 physical and emotional symptoms that your body goes through 54 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,880 right before you get to your period. 55 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,440 This is like a week, two weeks right before your period. 56 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:25,520 Huh, Madonna, let me just, I don't know where to start with. 57 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,480 Should I start with the psychological? 58 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,840 No, let me first define what premenstrual dysphoric disorder. 59 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:36,720 So PMDD is just, in my opinion, a heightened, horrible, hellish 60 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:41,840 state of PMSPMS is kind of the, can I say, normal or subtle 61 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,680 symptoms that you go through. Like your breasts become tender 62 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:47,480 now, you become Moody, you have mood swings, maybe you have 63 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:52,200 cravings, you know, emotionally distraught, but it's very subtle 64 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,640 thing you can't handle. This is something about 80% of 65 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,440 women go through. So a lot of you, especially who 66 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,120 listen to my podcast, probably understand what I mean. 67 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,640 You become a bit extra sensitive, you're a bit more 68 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:09,080 emotional and you're overthinking, but not too much 69 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,720 such APMDD. Hey, this is where all hell 70 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,720 breaks loose. PMDD. 71 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:21,600 The first time I ever experienced PMDD is last year in 72 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,520 August. I think I was, I was doing very, 73 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,960 very well for myself already. Like financially I was very 74 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,320 stable. I had managed to, you know, 75 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,640 consistently pay my bills in time without defaulting. 76 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,320 This is something I take very seriously because being 77 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,560 unemployed and just being a hustler, it's crazy. 78 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:44,640 I mean, I prefer it to having an 8 to 5 job, but how can I yo 79 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,320 sustainability? Like, how can I, yo, I can't 80 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,840 really ever be too relaxed, you know, thinking it's OK, I, I've 81 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:55,680 got my bills taken care of. I'm consistently thinking about 82 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,600 what can I do? How can I grow myself? 83 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,160 How can I improve myself so I can make more money so that I 84 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,320 can make sure I'm OK? And at this time, I feel like I 85 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:08,680 had been able to stabilize this. I had been able to show myself 86 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,040 I'm able to be very consistent in my life. 87 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:14,840 I was very, very happy in life. By the way, everything was going 88 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,240 really, really well for me relationship wise. 89 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,520 I had just come out of a relationship that I was in, 90 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,840 which I will be talking about on the blog next. 91 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,680 I wasn't too sad because the relationship was actually 92 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,440 really, really beautiful. Maybe the ending wasn't, as, you 93 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,680 know, good as I was. I would have hoped it would have 94 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,440 been. But I it's me, I was a problem 95 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,880 in the relationship. I was finally getting everything 96 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,800 I've ever wanted and everything I've ever asked for, but I was 97 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:45,520 too traumatized to act right and accept it, so I just had to let 98 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,520 it end. Anyway, that was not really 99 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,480 stressing me. I feel like I was OK. 100 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,120 I was fine emotionally. I was fine financially, 101 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,840 mentally, I was in a very great headspace. 102 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,600 I mean, everything was going really, really well for me. 103 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,400 Business was speaking up. I was, I mean, everything was. 104 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,680 I'm thinking of other updates to give, but like generally my life 105 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,160 was amazing and headed in the very right direction. 106 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,840 I had no reason to be sad about anything at this time. 107 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,840 I'm also doing really well at managing my emotions. 108 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,680 I had already eliminated everything that was traumatizing 109 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,600 me or triggering me to act out of what is normal for me. 110 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,960 So I, I was, I'd say I was being pretty well with myself. 111 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,760 I was really happy with myself. I felt sexier and hotter than I 112 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,840 have ever been. I mean I am sexier now, but then 113 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,560 the feeling that was going through my mind is that I love 114 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,080 my body, I love my life, I love everything. 115 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,160 Everything was perfect. I was pretty content. 116 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,200 Because of this, it was very easy for me to tell when 117 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,320 something was wrong, when something wasn't making sense or 118 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,880 adding upright. So one day, I think it was on a 119 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:54,160 Monday, 1:00 Monday in August last year 2024, I Nashin Raku 120 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:57,200 get out of bed. I was unable to leave my bed, 121 00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,920 not because I was going through anything, but I just wanted to 122 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,600 sit in bed. I kept I put my phone on DND and 123 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:07,320 I kept ignoring all my calls. They did not feel like speaking 124 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,800 to anyone. I did not want to be around 125 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,040 anyone actually. I felt like everyone hated me, 126 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:17,720 like the world hated me. I started picking, pinpointing 127 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,040 things that proved to me that everyone in my life actually 128 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,000 hated me. I was realizing that, you know, 129 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,520 people don't show up for me the way I like for them to show up 130 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,000 for me. I'm always the one giving. 131 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,120 Basically, I was making myself a victim in all sorts of 132 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:34,120 situations. Looking back, I'm not sure if I 133 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:38,600 was entirely A victim, but I can understand how sometimes I go 134 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,960 through things and I don't speak up in time and then I let it eat 135 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,680 me up. And then one time I just end up 136 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:47,320 blowing up and everyone around me is usually so confused as to 137 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,480 why I'm blowing up. They can't understand because 138 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:54,200 I'm consistently happy and, you know, just happy and content and 139 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,680 comfortable and OK. So when I speak out my emotions, 140 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,800 I think it tends to shock people because they never see they 141 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,480 never expect me to complain about anything because I 142 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:07,400 generally I'm not a complainer. So this I started realizing that 143 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,880 I had no appetite and thus I was able to sleep the whole day 144 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,920 without getting hungry, which is very awkward for me because I 145 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,440 love to make sure I have food in the house even if not for 146 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,840 myself. My friends pop in and out and I 147 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,320 love to make sure that if anyone visits me at any time, there's 148 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:27,760 always going to be something to eat because I live so far away 149 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,520 from the shops and having to go all the way to the shops or send 150 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,720 a rider when you know it's just a lot to think about. 151 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,480 Hi, so the first day I did not eat. 152 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,760 The next day I realized that I have not spoken to my mother. 153 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:45,640 I called my mom a bunch of times during the day just to ask her 154 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,880 even the most mundane stuff about anything. 155 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,920 I call her a million times a day. 156 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,960 But this was the second day and I was avoiding her. 157 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,720 I did not want to speak to her and deep down in my heart I knew 158 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,880 that having to speak to her meant I had to explain what I 159 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,200 was feeling because we open up to each other. 160 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,320 I open up to her very easily. And at this time, I felt I was 161 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,560 feeling a very, very deep sadness. 162 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:13,120 But I just had, I didn't have anywhere to pinpoint where this 163 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,320 sadness was coming from. And thus I did not want to have 164 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:20,240 to explain why I was sad or why I was feeling the way I was 165 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,960 feeling because I didn't even have the words to explain what I 166 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,920 was feeling. The second day, the third day 167 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,280 came. I've not eaten, I've not spoken 168 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,280 to anyone. I'm not talking. 169 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,280 I have a friend who says if notice Roberta hasn't posted on 170 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,760 Instagram I always know something is wrong. 171 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:38,520 He always checks in on me when he realizes he's a colleague of 172 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,040 mine. So he said he always checks on 173 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,120 me when I do not post on Instagram because he knows it is 174 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,680 very normal for me to post at least once a day. 175 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:50,680 And I realized I hadn't posted for like 3 days. 176 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:52,960 Well I hadn't realized until then but now is when I'm 177 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,720 starting to see Oh my goodness I haven't even been online. 178 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,640 I don't care to to check what people are doing. 179 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:03,280 I was just staying in bed and sleeping, and I was very 180 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,240 depressed. Very, very, very, very deeply 181 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:09,160 depressed. I know what depression feels 182 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,920 like because I've been depressed before. 183 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,480 And for me, it always starts to feel like a hole is forming in 184 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,320 my chest. A deep dark hole is forming in 185 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,000 my chest. And then I start to doubt 186 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,800 myself, to hate myself, and something crazy that started 187 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,800 running through my mind. I should have given a disclaimer 188 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,440 about this episode at the beginning, but here is a 189 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,400 disclaimer. If you do not want to listen to 190 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,520 graphic stuff just stop here. I some thoughts started running 191 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,520 through my mind and the thoughts were suicidal. 192 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,120 Well you see, up to this point I really truly love my life and I 193 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:46,040 really love myself. So even having suicidal thoughts 194 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,320 is something that is very deviant from anything I would 195 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,400 ever think. I would never kill myself, 196 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:56,560 especially not intentionally. I mean, maybe on accident, but I 197 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,480 would never ever, ever kill myself. 198 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,960 I absolutely love myself. I love my life, I love being me. 199 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,520 I love everything about myself. So This is why I knew something 200 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:08,840 was wrong and I needed to reach out to someone for help. 201 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,880 Now this is day four. I've not. 202 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,280 I've only woken up to use the toilet. 203 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:17,680 I ate some bread that I had in the house, I think, or noodles. 204 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:21,120 In those four days, I haven't been eating, I've only been 205 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:25,120 sleeping, staying in my bed, crying, very emotional, very, 206 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:29,240 very sad without a reason for where my sadness is stemming 207 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,800 from. Avoiding my family and friends, 208 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:35,160 ignoring everyone. I cancelled all my work 209 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,760 engagements for the week, I cancelled all my meetings, I 210 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:42,240 cancelled everything that I do. Even TVI did not show up that 211 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,240 week. I did not show up to the studio 212 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,560 at all to record for, you know, my episodes of Jaguaro. 213 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,840 So this is when, you know, I knew something is very wrong. 214 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:54,560 And I had also built a very steady, disciplined routine 215 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,760 where I was walking out consistently. 216 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,480 I would always go for my run. I'd always go for yoga. 217 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,160 I did not leave my bed for shit that day. 218 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,840 OK, I did leave it to shit, but just that I was staying in my 219 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,280 bed the whole time. And how I knew it had become a 220 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,840 problem was my mattress. I don't have the best or, you 221 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,120 know, the best quality of mattresses, but my mattress was 222 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:20,200 starting to form. The shape of my body indented 223 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,640 into it. That's how bad I had been 224 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,040 staying inside the bed. So these suicidal thoughts, how 225 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:29,240 they were coming in, they weren't coming in as hateful or 226 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,840 angry. They were coming in as my own 227 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:35,280 voice telling me, you know, you know, Roberta, it would be so 228 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,360 nice if you killed yourself. How about if you just killed 229 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,760 yourself? You know, everything would be so 230 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,960 much better. Everyone that you know hates you 231 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,760 or the whole world that's against you will feel so nice, 232 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,720 and you'll also feel so relaxed. Wherever you'll be at, life will 233 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,560 be so good. Everyone will be so proud of 234 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,280 you. Your mom will be so happy when 235 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,800 you're dead. And for some reason, I know 236 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:03,480 this, I know this is not the truth, but for some reason I was 237 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,920 starting to believe this voice. So then I started to think about 238 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,800 ways that I could kill myself, you know, thinking should I 239 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,440 throw? I live on the should I see the 240 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,560 floor I live on? I live on a very high floor. 241 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,920 But I was thinking maybe I should just drop myself, you 242 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:23,640 know, or maybe I should, I don't know, find, you know, just go 243 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,040 throw myself in the road and have someone hit me with a car. 244 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,280 I was thinking of all these crazy ways to kill myself, which 245 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,640 is so besides anything I would ever be. 246 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,560 So that that is how I was able to tell that something was 247 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,440 deadly wrong after noticing all these weird symptoms. 248 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,200 I was, I reached out. There's a group, Yeah. 249 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,720 Should I call it funds or Love and orgasms? 250 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:48,320 There's a group I'm in where we talk about intimacy and 251 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,480 relationship stuff. It's a bunch of people between 252 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:55,880 the ages of like 20 and maybe 30-5, maybe 40. 253 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,720 And all of us there just share our personal experiences. 254 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,200 We talk about everything about relationships and sex and stuff. 255 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:06,640 So by this time we had formed a really close bond with these 256 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,960 guys in this group. And I, I went on the group and I 257 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:12,600 just wrote a message and I, I said, guys, I think I need your 258 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,840 help. I've been feeling very, very 259 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,000 depressed. I've been unable to get out of 260 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,240 my bed. I've been so sad. 261 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,600 I've been crying. I want to kill myself. 262 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,280 I haven't brushed my teeth in five days. 263 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:28,560 I haven't showered in five days. I'm so so deeply depressed. 264 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,840 My mom has been calling me, she's unable to reach me. 265 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:35,000 And during this time I only wanted to talk to one person and 266 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,040 me and this person had fallen out so badly I couldn't even 267 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,800 call them. They're the only person who I 268 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:44,080 felt would be able to hold the space for me and understand me. 269 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,120 I don't know but I just couldn't call them because we weren't 270 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,600 speaking with each other. I felt like I was drowning. 271 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:53,920 I was thinking I was so deeply depressed and I couldn't. 272 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:58,440 The crazy thing with being very self aware is that you tend to 273 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,040 intellectual your emotions. So I was very aware of 274 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:05,160 everything I was going through. My problem was I was unable to 275 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,640 pinpoint why I had these feelings because my life was 276 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,320 amazing. Everything was going perfectly 277 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,120 in my life. When I wrote this message. 278 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:18,040 The group, I kid you not, within the next maybe hour someone had 279 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:21,520 sent me food to my house. Someone else, a friend of mine 280 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:26,520 came to visit me with food and I think people starting to show up 281 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,760 for me made me feel embarrassed. I don't know if it was 282 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,480 embarrassed because my house looked like a pigsty. 283 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,520 If you've been to my house, my friends know I like to keep my 284 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,600 house speak and span like a museum. 285 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,800 Everything is usually in place, clean, no dust, very, very 286 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,280 perfect like an Airbnb, so or like a hotel. 287 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,040 So my house looked like a pigsty. 288 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,400 And this was also a clear indication that something was 289 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:52,280 wrong with my mental health. But the fact that people were 290 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,440 now coming around, I had started cleaning up. 291 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,720 I started cleaning the dishes, I took a shower, I brushed my 292 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,440 teeth and these are just some of the symptoms that I went 293 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,960 through. So this happened to me in August 294 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:06,200 and then was a month after August. 295 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,080 It didn't happen to me in September and then it happened 296 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,360 to me in October. So in September I had opened up, 297 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:17,040 I had reached out to doctors, I had been referred to therapists. 298 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:20,880 I can speak with, supplements I can take, foods I can take 299 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,680 everywhere. I had really done my research 300 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:23,920 and someone told me, you know what? 301 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:27,800 Check out PMDD, read about it, learn more about it, and see if 302 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,640 it makes sense that this is the same thing you're going through. 303 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,880 And so I did. I sought out all this 304 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,280 information that could help me. So I was already gearing up for 305 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:39,000 another bout of deathly depression in September. 306 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,920 But in September, I was fine. I was fine. 307 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,160 Nothing. In fact, my period was very OK. 308 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,240 I didn't suffer, I wasn't in too much pain. 309 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:51,000 Everything was very, very fine. So I thought, oh fine, maybe it 310 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,240 was just a one time, one off thing that's not going to come 311 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,960 back. Ho Ole wango. 312 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,920 In October it hit me ten times worse because it's like every 313 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:03,320 month it resets. The mind completely forgets. 314 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,200 And it's so crazy because I could be having the symptoms 315 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,079 like the PMS symptoms every month, you know, my breasts 316 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:12,760 start to get tender, I start having cravings, I start 317 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:16,960 becoming emotional mood swings, you know, all these things are 318 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,800 happening. But every month it's like my 319 00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:22,400 brain forgets and I forget that these are symptoms of my period 320 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,400 coming. I just start to feel like I'm 321 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,160 going crazy. I start doubting myself. 322 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,240 I have low self esteem, my anxiety is heightened, I fall 323 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,640 into depression. I feel like I want to kill 324 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,240 myself and then my I forget all about it. 325 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,240 And the crazy thing also is that immediately my period came like 326 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,280 this, all the symptoms went away. 327 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,720 I became happy again, I became comfortable again. 328 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,440 I became aware again. It's like I forgot that my body 329 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:52,280 had put me through this, like me wanting to kill myself five days 330 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:57,000 ago, which is crazy. So one week before I realized 331 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,440 that I I would get severely depressed and this had never 332 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,760 ever happened to me again ever before. 333 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:06,240 I was crying a lot. I was very very emotionally 334 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:10,040 overwhelmed and I've been very amazing at myself, discipline. 335 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:13,400 But at this point during this week I was really failing. 336 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,760 This is how I noticed I couldn't eat, I couldn't shower, I 337 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,840 couldn't show up, I couldn't even speak and my default was to 338 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,760 mask. I thought I'm failing, so let me 339 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,440 hide and let me just sit in my house for those few days. 340 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:31,320 People are getting frustrated about my horrible communication 341 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,760 because I'm such a communicator. I love to talk about everything. 342 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,400 I love to talk about how I'm feeling, what I'm going through, 343 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,520 what I want, the things I, I, you know, everything. 344 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,240 I like to talk about everything. But I realized that a lot of the 345 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,960 people who love me were starting to get really frustrated. 346 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,080 I couldn't tell because it's new. 347 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,320 Plus my life is really, really perfect, so I really did not 348 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:55,080 have a reason to be depressed. You know, like I said, the PMS 349 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:58,680 syndrome is accompanied with like emotional and physical 350 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:03,160 symptoms such as mood swings, anxiety, sadness, irritability, 351 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:08,320 insomnia, bloating, headaches, cramps, sometimes diarrhea, all 352 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:13,000 in one week. But the PMDD was elevated. 353 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,120 It was an elevated state of this. 354 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:19,840 I had crazy ideations of self harm, crazy depression, crazy 355 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,600 hormonal changes. And I realize it's because 356 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,600 during this time your serotonin actually drops. 357 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,040 Serotonin is the happy hormone for regulating your moods. 358 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:33,480 And it was worsening my already existing mental illnesses. 359 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,360 You know, things like sometimes I could go through the. 360 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,360 I mean, if I can remember last year in August, something that 361 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:45,080 was making me really, really sad is the fact that I'm, I do not 362 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,480 have a present dad emotionally. So when I'm going through these 363 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,040 things, sometimes, sometimes I just want to call my dad and I 364 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,760 don't have my dad. And the next best thing to this, 365 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,960 he's not my dad, but he's someone I truly, you know, 366 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,320 admired and loved. We had fallen out and I was not 367 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,920 able to speak with him. And I was feeling very, very 368 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:07,320 frustrated because there's no sense of masculine energy in my 369 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,640 life. There's no place I can go and 370 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:13,560 feel safe to offload talking to women about these things. 371 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:18,080 Is one thing they support you a lot emotionally, but I feel like 372 00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,600 having a father figure helps you feel like you're very, very 373 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,640 protected in your very vulnerable moment. 374 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,040 I mean, I feel the same with the women around me, but I don't 375 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,680 know, I'm fatherless. I, I can't tell if there's 376 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,840 something I'm missing out on or this is just a feeling that's 377 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,280 coming out of nowhere. But this is something I was 378 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,800 feeling very, very deeply. I felt very short, shortchanged 379 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,840 by the universe. I felt very abandoned during 380 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,560 this time. So I think it was worsening 381 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,320 already, these feelings that I had. 382 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,400 And so when I consulted the doctor, of course, the things 383 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,960 that I recommended are, you know, exercising, healthy diet, 384 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:57,640 meditation, but these are things I was already applying in my 385 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,920 life on a normal, on a normal everyday day. 386 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,720 But during this late luteal phase, my moods had already 387 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:08,720 started changing and I was just unable to show up even to run 388 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:13,040 the fatigue, isolation, rateability, Rying for in 389 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:17,240 courts, no reason and my appetite, it was just crazy. 390 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:21,720 I decided to intentionally track my symptoms because this had 391 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:26,680 never happened to me. But now will this happen to me 392 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,840 again? I missed it in September, but it 393 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,080 came back in October. It happened to me again in 394 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,720 November and in December and January and February. 395 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:38,720 So by this time I was starting to realize maybe maybe the older 396 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,520 I get, the more there's a crazier imbalance in my 397 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,560 hormones. And as I'm changing, my body is 398 00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:48,120 changing Nowadays are kind of, I don't know, consistency in the 399 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:50,120 way my body is starting to act every month. 400 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,160 But Nah, I think your period will always shock you. 401 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,040 Every new month. I think I I know what's 402 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,440 happening. And then the next month just fax 403 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,160 me over again. Some doctors also, you know, try 404 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,680 to prescribe antidepressants and birth control. 405 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:09,080 I wasn't I'm not usually open to getting it on birth control 406 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:13,320 because, you know, birth control Fax me up, especially hormonal 407 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:17,160 methods and I wasn't really understanding much about the non 408 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,280 hormonal methods and you know all that. 409 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,160 So that's not something I that's not a way I was willing to go. 410 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,800 Mimi Mim 2 condoms. That's the most birth control 411 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,800 and abstinence that I know. And antidepressants. 412 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:33,360 I wasn't sure that this is a way I'd want to go because generally 413 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:36,520 I'm not a depressed person except the time that I'm going 414 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:40,040 through PNDD. So treatment generally varies 415 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,160 and that's why it's different. And I was going through all 416 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,080 these and trying to weigh my options. 417 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:48,440 Well, I'm talking about PNDD because there's a lot of 418 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,600 discrimination against women because of their hormonal 419 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:55,760 changes and a lot of things they go through, especially during 420 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,400 different times of of the month during that cycle. 421 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,880 And a lot of our efforts and a lot of the way we show up is 422 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:06,160 diminished by this few weeks out of the month where we're going 423 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,080 crazy. And I call it going crazy 424 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:09,760 because surely that is how it felt. 425 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:14,440 It felt like I was going crazy and my main concern was why has 426 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,400 no one ever taught me about this? 427 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:20,080 Why has no one ever had these conversations with me and told 428 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,360 me, you know, PMDD is a thing and it might happen to you 429 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,200 Because until it happens to you, it kind of feels like it's 430 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,440 something that's resolved to a certain type of people or you 431 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:33,040 never really think it could be me until it actually is you. 432 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,440 I was very angry that this is something I was experiencing at 433 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,280 28 years old. Nobody had ever had this 434 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:43,080 discussion with me all my life and it's hard for me to even 435 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,320 explain what I'm going through because I do not have the words 436 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,600 and the research to explain to maybe someone who doesn't have a 437 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:54,400 vagina or someone who's never experienced PMDD or even PMS. 438 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:58,080 And hence, this means that not a lot of people are going to be 439 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,040 able to come from a place where they're able to show grace or a 440 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,840 place where they're able to understand well. 441 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,880 And not everyone is such a great communicator. 442 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,880 I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm getting very frustrated 443 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:13,480 because I'm seeing something a certain way and it's being 444 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,680 perceived or understood a completely different way. 445 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:22,320 And it just makes it even harder because I'm super emotional, I'm 446 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:26,760 super hormonal, I'm in pain, I'm anticipating my period, I'm 447 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,800 depressed, I'm anxious. But I don't even have the words 448 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,440 to explain why I feel these things. 449 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,960 Because you know, something I've realized, especially with I 450 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:38,400 started this episode by saying I'm fighting with the love of my 451 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,520 life. And something that I've realized 452 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:44,200 is a lot of the times when I'm speaking with him, I'm trying 453 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:47,440 to, when I especially I'm opening up about how I'm feeling 454 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,800 emotionally is we're not speaking the same language. 455 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:54,640 Because anytime I tell him something that's bothering me, 456 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,600 his first instinct is to want to solve the problem. 457 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,680 And this is very natural. And I actually truly appreciate 458 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:06,680 this of let me say men or let me say the man, this man, I see him 459 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:10,040 try to jump into, you know, how can I solve your issue? 460 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,640 If my issue is that I'm craving something, OK, can I buy it for 461 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,320 you? If my issue is that I need 462 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,280 money, OK, he'll send me the money. 463 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:20,480 If my issue is that I'm hungry, OK, he'll send me, you know, 464 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,800 always trying to solve the issue. 465 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:26,720 But I realized at this time, I do not even know what the issue 466 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:30,040 is. So I'm not able to explain what 467 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,400 it is. And this makes him frustrated 468 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,880 because he's trying to come up with a solution so we can stop 469 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,040 dwelling in this problem, but there's a communication 470 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:42,600 breakdown because he's not understanding why such a great 471 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:45,360 communicator, somebody who's so amazing at communicating their 472 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:48,840 feelings consistently, is failing in this moment to 473 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:52,800 communicate their feelings. There's this thing called PMDD 474 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,560 where I'm actually not myself. I'm crazy. 475 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,600 I'm finding myself picking fights with you for no reason, 476 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,960 for no reason in courts. I feel like breaking up with 477 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,240 you. You know, the first thing I 478 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,520 start thinking is he's he's he's, I shouldn't going to be 479 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,800 trusting him. I should leave him before he 480 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,800 leaves me. I should kill myself because 481 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,800 that would make him feel way better because he's going to be 482 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,080 less stressed. How do I explain that to someone 483 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:20,920 who truly loves me and would never want to hurt my feelings 484 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:24,280 without hurting their feelings or without making them feel like 485 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:28,920 they are the cause of my problems or that I even need any 486 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,400 solutions to them, to the problems that I have? 487 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,760 Am I making sense? I hope I'm making sense. 488 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:38,920 Well, it's a whole crazy thing. I've not been in therapy about 489 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:42,320 PMDD because it's something I feel like I'm trying to still 490 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:45,760 figure out for myself. And, you know, my friend was 491 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,680 telling me that this is not normal. 492 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,480 This should not be my normal. Experiencing deep depression 493 00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:54,880 every month to the point that I think about killing myself is 494 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,120 not normal. And I'm just thinking, are there 495 00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:00,600 many, any more people out there who experience this monthly? 496 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,760 Do you ever go through this? Do you ever have these feelings 497 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,360 of deep depression and, you know, suicide ideation, self 498 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:11,200 harm ideation to the point that you feel like you're going crazy 499 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:14,160 and you're picking fights with everyone around you and you're 500 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:17,000 super, super emotional. And then when you finally get 501 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,840 your period and you come back, you're so embarrassed. 502 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,920 You're too embarrassed to even start explaining because you 503 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:25,320 feel like nobody's going to understand because nobody's 504 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,440 talking about it. I don't see anyone on a normal 505 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:30,640 day talking about how crazy our period makes us go. 506 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,920 And this is not to say that we're emotionally unstable. 507 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:37,920 It's just, I feel like there's not enough research so that so 508 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:41,760 when I act out, I feel like I'm being gas lit and made to feel 509 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:45,000 like my, my thoughts and my emotions are invalid and I'm 510 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:48,240 just acting out. If there existed a space where 511 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:53,040 I'm encouraged and acknowledged and told, hey, this is a thing, 512 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,000 it's happening, it's happening to me, it's happening to us. 513 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,920 This is what I go through. This is how I'm healing, this is 514 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,280 how I'm managing. This is what I do for myself. 515 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:04,600 I feel like that would make me feel much more validated and it 516 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,600 would help in managing my symptoms. 517 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:11,240 But for the last one year I've been feeling very confused. 518 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,280 Shout out to my friends who showed up for me. 519 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,400 They showed up. You know, every time I've been 520 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,640 in depression, I've always had people who've shown up for me in 521 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:23,040 ways that I can't even explain. You know, with so much grace and 522 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:26,280 understanding, sometimes more than I think I'm even capable 523 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:27,800 of. The first time I ever got 524 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,640 depressed, a friend of mine, she's called Shiro. 525 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:32,240 I was in primary school with Shiro. 526 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,400 Shiro came to my house and she washed me. 527 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,600 She bought, she took me out to eat. 528 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,840 She took care of me. I had been in the house for like 529 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,200 a month without even being able to leave the house. 530 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:47,520 That time I lived alone because it was just crazy, but I was 531 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:48,880 going through a very deep depression. 532 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:52,520 She really took care of me. Shout out to her this last year 533 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:57,240 when I went through the depression, a PMDD, the one for 534 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,840 the periods, you know, my friends who showed up for me to 535 00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:03,800 feed me, to take care of me, to clean the house with me, to just 536 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,880 sit with me as I cry for no reason at all. 537 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:11,120 I realized that there's so many people who are so ready to be 538 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:15,800 much more understanding and much more graceful. 539 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:19,280 And these people have been women for me, largely my community has 540 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,520 been women. And I think that's why I really, 541 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:24,200 really get frustrated in this moments because I start having 542 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:28,280 feelings like, honey, you know, you know, that's why I start 543 00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:31,040 having these feelings of being fatherless and like there's no 544 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:34,840 masculine energy in my life for me to be able to go and feel 545 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,560 much more protected. It's like I have to take care of 546 00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:42,200 myself and to and even when I express myself, it's treated as 547 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,560 you're just nagging, you're just complaining, you're just 548 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:47,560 hormonal, you're just emotional. But they don't think about the 549 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:50,960 depths of where I'm actually thinking, hey, maybe I should 550 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,240 kill myself and then maybe you'll give me the attention I 551 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,360 need. And it's not me because I don't 552 00:29:56,360 --> 00:30:01,120 even want to die anyway. The reason I've, I've recorded 553 00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:04,760 this episode is so that we can have more honest and candid 554 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,320 conversations around it. So I'm curious to hear. 555 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,960 Tell me in the comments, is this something you've ever felt? 556 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:11,520 Is this something you've ever been through? 557 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,720 Yeah. After I finished recording this, 558 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:18,880 I'm going to to speak with this guy and try to explain to him 559 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:20,960 exactly what it is I'm, I'm going through. 560 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:23,520 I mean, I don't mean I don't think I'm going through it right 561 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,840 now, but I am on my period. And I know a lot of the 562 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:30,240 miscommunication comes from being, being super emotional and 563 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:34,200 him being him trying to find a balance of how he can solve my 564 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,760 emotional issues. But that's not what I need in 565 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:38,760 that time. So yeah, let me know if you 566 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:43,240 relate and if you understand and stay tuned for the next episode 567 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:46,360 where now I can give you Duck about my life toodles.