My colleague and friend, let me say my friend Jaggero was
telling me about how he really enjoys my podcast because it's a
monologue and he wonders how I can talk to myself or I can just
speak non-stop for an hour. Well, it's because I script.
I have to sit down and prepare in, you know, at least in
chronological order all the things I'm going to say because
I'm the type of people who tell six stories in one.
And although I always come back to the main point, sometimes I
can really take you on a roller coaster if I just allow myself
to keep veering off. So there's some editing also
that I do. Of course, it's not just it's
not that I'm just so perfect at speaking, but there's a lot of,
you know, post, there's a lot of editing done post recording.
And that shows me that that if you need something to talk care
the way you want it to talk care, you have to prepare.
You have to do the work of preparation.
And today I want to talk about how to do this preparation.
But when it comes to relationships being very
emotionally available and how to know when he's into you, OK, I
don't date girls. I've said this here.
This is just a disclaimer. Not that I don't, I have it.
I haven't recently. So that's why the podcast is
going to be me talking about dating men and I want to kind of
recap the kind of year I've had when it comes to, you know,
romantic interests and relationships and just show you
what I've learnt throughout the years.
In comparison, I could compare two years ago with now with
because there's a significant difference.
And that's what I want to talk about.
This week on the Daybreak show on Citizen TV, we discussed
love, how to to receive love and how to give love and how to know
you're in a positive and secure and, you know, healthy situation
and relationship with people generally.
But OK, we narrowed in on the romantic relationships.
Lakini I think that's what's inspired me to talk about this
because I feel like it was such a coincidence.
Actually, this happens a lot. It's usually such a coincidence.
I'll record, I'll have a topic lined out for my podcast and
then we'll end up talking about it on TV or I'll end up having
to do it on the dialogues of Jaguar show.
So everything meshes. If you don't find me on YouTube,
you'll find me on TV. If you don't find me on TV,
you'll find me on love and orgasms.
And I think it's important. Sometimes we need to hear
something over and over again. And the podcast might.
This podcast is audio. Sometimes you just want to see
my face while I'm saying all these things I say.
So that's why you go on YouTube or you catch me on on Tuesday
mornings on the Daybreak show. And it's got me in this mood
where I kind of want to talk about, you know, the things you
could look out for. I've talked about green flags, I
think twice on this podcast before an episode I did with my
friend Sherry a couple years back where she was, she was
telling me about, you know, she was in a healthy relationship.
And we did the episode and she was talking about, you know, the
things she notices in her relationship that make her feel
very safe and very secure. She's in a really nice
relationship. So I had to bring her on to talk
about it. And then the next time was when
I was dating some guy I was seeing briefly, I think last
year, which was a significant, like a significant jump from the
kind of guys I had been dating before him.
And so I talked about that. And now I've, I think I've even
experienced even better in the last year.
And so this is kind of an updated list.
If you want to go back and look for those episodes, you just,
you can search green flags and it'll pop up.
To be honest, I've been quiet about this.
I mean, I have been disclosing that I'm dating someone
exclusively currently, but I've been I've not been really
talking about the nitty gritties of the relationship or anything
about it because not because I'm holding back or I'm hiding.
It's just that I don't know. I don't know, Sidri within my
growth. I'm realizing when you really,
really appreciate something and you love it and you're happy,
you just find yourself not out there telling everyone about it.
I'm kind of protective and careful about, you know, even
what I say or who I say it to because I don't want bad vibe
and you know, people sending bad energy my way.
And sometimes I understand it's not intentional intentionally
from malice. It's just envy.
It's jealousy and it's OK. It's only normal human emotions.
But I think in the same breath, I think it's important I talk
about it so that I'm able to show other people besides, this
is what this platform is for. It's important I show other
people that this is how you need to feel because I feel like
there's not so many examples of that.
And it's good. It's good you know how to feel
and you're able to look out for things.
Because to be honest, Mimi, I've been learning on the job.
I've been learning on the job and I really like it because I,
I can't hear every. The thing with healing is you
think you know stuff and you think you've grown and then
boom, you get another level of growth and you're like, what,
Jenny? I was settling for less this
whole time. Because the more you do the
work, the more the reward is for you to enjoy good things.
So it's always worth it. Doesn't matter how hard the
lessons are or how meaningless they are because there's no real
purpose. It's just nice.
It's like getting good at a game.
There might be no prize at the end, but you enjoying to play
the game, that's the prize. The experiences and the love and
the good feelings you get to experience, that's the reward.
It's not at the place you get or the the prize you win at the end
of the game. But yeah, so Mimi, I think when
I was really young, like way younger, I used to have a very,
I've talked about feeling very neglected emotionally all
through my childhood. And it is just juicy when I
mended my relationship with my parents and also started healing
myself, that I was able to learn how to be there for myself and
be comfortable with validation for myself without waiting for
anything external. It's been a real, real journey I
have really put in there. That's why that's why I'm able
to reap what I've sowed and I'm able to enjoy the benefits of
doing the intentional work on myself.
I always grew up very anxious. I always had this feeling that
love cannot find me. I'm very unlucky in love because
nobody has ever really loved me genuinely and I was always
anxious that everyone would leave because everyone who loved
me used to leave. You know, everyone leaves me
now. And I look back, I'm realizing
it is in those insecurities I had that I was consistently
choosing the same scenarios, the same familiar scenarios over and
over and making myself the victim of people leaving me
when. But when I learned that I didn't
have to be the victim and I can just actually be the one who
chooses people also, things changed and I stopped waiting to
be chosen. And then it pushed me into this
space where I am very self-sufficient.
I mean, I'm able to exist within community and want love, but at
the same time, if I'm not getting it from anywhere else,
I'm cool. I love myself, I'm fine.
I'm not sad that someone hasn't chosen me.
I really, really am living my life and then being anxious used
to, of course, everyone used to leave me.
Like I said, I was always in relationships with people who I
kind of expected to leave me. And then you know what that I
think what that did to me is I started becoming an avoidant
kind of person now, by the way, easy terms is what Anatunia and
is that you could describe You can.
I also have an episode where I've talked about these
attachment styles. It's just an easier way for to
explain how your behavioral patterns are and how you attach
and how you, you know, act in relationships.
And it's not a black and white kind of thing.
It's a whole spectrum like you could be.
It's not one shoe fits all. You could really be anything and
you could have your own cocktail and mixtures of personalities
and behaviors, but it's just an easier way to kind of explain.
I ended up because people used to leave me.
Now I ended up becoming an avoidant person because I don't
want them to leave me fast, so I'm going to leave them.
So now I became very avoidant. Like I, I'm very easy to detach
from relationships. It's not that I don't care, it's
just a protective barrier in my head, in my brain that if I
sabotage this before they do to me and then I'm kind of the
winner. And this doesn't work in
relationships because in secure, healthy, available, like
emotionally available relationships, you have to show
up. A fight doesn't mean you break
up a tea. OK, so you guys can actually
talk about it, Not even fight. You guys can talk and fix the
same way you show up in your platonic relationships or in a
relationships with your siblings or with your parents or with
other people who you're just forced to be around.
Although you don't like, it's the same grace and love and
patience you're supposed to have in your romantic relationships.
And listen, this advice is for the lovers.
If you don't believe in love, if you don't think love is
possible, if you don't think people want love, that's OK.
We're vibing on a different frequency where I only talk
about my personal experiences. I don't talk about stories I've
had only or that's why this podcast is a monologue.
I don't talk about at the things I had where I'm talking about
things I do myself, things I've experienced.
If I'm talking about it to you, it means it's possible.
If it can happen for me, it can happen for you.
If it's happened for me over and over and over and over.
And you see, I'm consistently documenting on my podcast as I
go. If you go back and listen,
you'll see the trajectory. You'll see the tests I've been
doing on myself, the growth I've been having on myself.
It's if, if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone,
basically. Yeah, we're vibing on a
frequency. You want to believe in love?
If you don't, it's OK. I understand because I've also
been there. I've also been in spaces where
I've also felt like I'm so unlucky and this is never going
to work and it's never going to happen for me.
But it reaches a point, you understand?
You're here to just experience people.
You're here to experience life. You're not here to own anyone
and keep anyone for forever. And the beauty of life is of
taking risks. The same way you're you could be
ready to open a business, you could be ready to buy a car, you
could be ready to buy a house. You could be ready to whatever
it is, is the same way you could be ready to fall in love.
It's just a choice. If you want it, it comes to you.
If you don't want it, that's what happens.
That's just the law of the universe.
It's because I've been able to experience the benefits of
healing and being emotionally available.
And by the way, I was taught this by my friends Shazmin Bank,
who's a relationship coach. She actually specializes in
attachment styles and all that and teaches people how to heal
and be secure. And my other friend CJ, who's a
life coach and this guy, he's taught me just by being around
him and listening to him, it has taught me so much, so much.
That would be so much in therapy fees and all the time.
I started by saying, when 2023 began, I started by saying I
want to be emotionally available.
I was so tired of acting like I didn't care.
Being in this silly situationships and relationships
where you you don't talk to each other, you don't gift each
other, you don't check on each other.
I was just tired. Why would I be sleeping with
people who I'm even scared to give a phone call?
It wasn't making sense in my head and I decided I'm not just
going to preach about it. It's time for me to put in
action and actually mean what I'm saying.
And I started 2023 saying I'm never doing those things.
Now I want the real thing. I want to stop complaining and
being a victim of CG. He used me, he lied to me.
Nope. I'm dating intentionally with
like a person intention because now I know what I want.
The older I grow the more I fine tune what I want.
I already know and the more I keep improving in my dating
life, the more I keep fine tuning, the more my standards go
up, the the more my boundaries are better.
And it's just benefits on benefits.
And my friends are the ones who taught me.
And I used to say all the time, I want it, but I didn't know
that it was work. I just thought at your
relationship, see, I like you. I like you.
OK, The end. I didn't know it was work.
It was it was like intentional work that you had to do every
single day. But the more I put in the work,
the more I realized every person I dated next was always better
than the last. And things that were bare
minimum as I went up started becoming previously my highest
standard. And it just kept getting better.
I mean, even my choices in my mates really, really improved.
I feel like every time I think I've gotten better and then I
maybe make new friends, or I get a new business venture, or I
travel more, whatever it is that I do, or I start dating a new
person, I'm hit with even more blessings because every
experience is just better than the last.
Today I want to talk a little bit about the man I'm dating
right now being being linked. To a podcaster is so crazy.
Consume any text. Let me see what He's so sweet.
So let me start by talking about the no, let me start, Let me go
back and start talking about the guy I dated in when was this?
And he, let's say 2 years. No, it's a year ago or two years
ago, I think a year ago, let's say a year ago.
I really like this guy because he was, you know, consistent and
he really, really used to spoil Missy Wongo.
I could always ask him for anything.
He was very attentive. He was very commutative.
Very, very present, very smart. But I think.
The thing I enjoyed most about him was that he used to spoil me
the way I want. But that's how you see.
The problem is he was lacking in his emotional availability.
He was never around. He was never asking to see me,
to Take Me Out on dates, but buying me stuff, sending me
gifts. I was consistently having fresh,
fresh flowers in my house, which I really, really love.
Yeah. There was nothing monetary he
was not able to do. But then there was so much
lacking in even. I remember even on Valentine's
Day, he didn't speak with me. And when I reached out because
I'm the one who used always used to reach out after he says, you
know, I like you. It's just that.
You know, I'm busy with work and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah. And I would reach out and we
would talk about it and he would explain to me how his work is so
taxing and he's not ready, blah, blah, blah.
But he really likes me and he hopes I can stick around and all
that nonsense. When I was there, I was
thinking, you know, I've never had a guy who is, I mean, I've
had guys who spoil me and spend the money.
So it wasn't about the money. It was about the consistency of
spoiling me, not of talking to me, of spoiling me Anyway to ask
how do you get a man who spoils you but doesn't talk to you?
Even the guys I've dated before that, the biggest spenders
hardly ever had time for me. They were always working and
busy. They would compensate it with
the money. My accounts are always full and
stuff, but the availability? Zero.
There was no bonding. There was basically no
relationship, no friendship. Now that I think about it, I'm
realizing I was settling for one area because maybe I was
desperate, or maybe I needed the money, or maybe that was my
metric for love. Sprinkle, sprinkle.
But clearly I was missing out on the emotional side because I was
consistently sad and complaining.
This guy doesn't talk to me. This guy doesn't.
It's like you're in a relationship and it's still a
situation ship. You still have to.
Beg this jammer to talk to you and all that.
So that time I wasn't realizing. Now when I look back now, I'm
realizing and also now that I'm able to make my own money and
buy for myself those two things if I want CG cake food.
CG flowers, I can buy all those things, I can take myself out, I
can pay for my chips, I can do all those things for myself.
So now I'm, I'm not really dating from a desperate point of
view. I'm, I'm becoming more and more
secure in myself. I'm realizing I would never date
someone like that. I would never allow someone like
that to even touch my body. Someone who's not able to
communicate and be present fully.
That's not something I'm looking for.
That's not something I'm ever going to settle for.
And at a point in my life, I used to think that was
impossible. I used to think men are just
like that. Men just they're always busy and
hardworking and they make money so that they can give you money.
So they're never there for you because that's what I was used
to dating already. My bare minimum is rich men.
So I'm not looking for does he have money?
Does he not have money? That's not a.
Discussion because I was never gonna talk to a man who doesn't
have his own money already. And I've explained so many times
that the money is not necessarily for me.
It's just that so that I don't have to take care of him because
I know so many men who take advantage of women's money.
And I don't want to be in the kind of relationship where like
I saw growth up with my mom, where my mom did everything and
my dad was just joyriding. I need a man who's able to
handle his own. He wants a family because he can
take care of a family. Otherwise mini Cosa abila
manomen abil zangu. And I want to talk about all
this in extension, But let me start from I said I want to talk
about the guy I'm dating right now.
I not really talk about him, but like some of the traits that I
noticed or I've been noticing consistently coming from him
that I had just resigned to the thought that these things are
possible. And the truth is when you've
been in abusive situations or you've been in situations where
you've lacked like the emotional connection and presence of the
people around you, it's so easy for you to be like, that's not
important. That's not OK.
But listen, why would you be around someone who doesn't make
you happy and laugh and enjoy yourself and have fun?
Because even with friends, that's what you do, right?
Even when you're hanging with friends, that's an important and
integral part of the interaction.
You haven't fun and laughing, so why would you want to be around
someone who doesn't communicate, makes you sad the whole week,
doesn't talk to you, makes excuses, doesn't show up.
It's just it's crazy. Something I noticed about him
straight off the bat was he was very straightforward.
I think that's what turned me on and that's what made me even
respond to him in the 1st place. Other people have been very
straightforward with me, but with him it just felt he was
being sincere. And also something I noticed
straight off the bat is he wanted nothing from from me.
He didn't want anything from me. He came in wanting to add to my
life, like wanting to be better for the both of us.
And I'll explain that as we go. So this straightforwardness
Illinois Nesha, OK, this guy, he already knows what he wants.
And also this taught me, let me tell you see, these guys will
tell you these things for let's go with the flow girl.
He's wasting your time. These guys, they always know
what they want by the time they're talking to you.
That's what he this, that's what my guy told me.
He said by the time a guy's talking to you, he's already he
already knows what he wants from you.
Whether Nikukudina amakuku amakuku text cuckoo to Miakama,
he already knows what he wants from you.
He already knows it's just listening to you and getting to
know you. It's just him.
Like seeing OK, can this walk or something?
And when I think about it, even us women, by the time a guy is
even starting to talk to you and you accept to give him your
number like dranga Kamau utam dishi Kama utam dead kamuna taka
with the father of your kids that already always have that
feeling. It's just about, OK, let's talk
a bit and let's get to know each other.
So I see if the chemistry is walking and if we really like
each other like that, don't ever fall for that.
Let's go to floating. I'm not saying he, he needs to
be quick and fast and love bombing you and being in a rush,
Z. Just watch his actions and his
intentions. Watch his communication.
Watch how he is straightforward with you, the things he says,
the plans he makes, even simple things like in his
conversations, you'll hear him including you when he says
things like we, we will go, we'll, we'll get it, we'll buy,
we'll plan, we'll think about it.
We'll we, we, we, we, we, we. He really stops talking about I,
I, I. And this is something I noticed.
He's really great at communication and he
communicates ahead of time. You'll never have this guy not
talking to you the whole day and not telling you where he was or
what he's doing. You're always going to know,
even if you don't know the details of everything, you're
always going to be very secure about his communication because
he'll tell you. He'll say, babe, tomorrow.
I'm having a very busy day. It's starting early, it's ending
late. I might not be able to talk to
you in the morning or even at night when I get home, but I'll
be thinking of you. He will communicate ahead of
time. He'll never let you go thinking
why isn't he texting me? Why isn't he calling me?
Even if you guys are not speaking, he will always let you
know that he's thinking of you. You'll always feel secure.
And even if he's having this busy day and he says, he says
he's not able to reach out. He's still going to call you.
He's still going to find. He's going to sneak and make 2
minutes and call you just to hear your voice.
He's going to text. He's going to say, you know, I'm
in this meeting all day, but I just had to check in.
Yanina Kambia, you will never be second guessing.
You'll see his clear intentions and he always has a plan.
Always. He always has a plan about what
you're doing, where you're going to go.
He's done his research in time. Let's say he's taking you out.
He's not going to ask you things like.
Where? Where do you want to go?
And he's the one who's asking you out.
Unless he wants the honest opinion, he wants to include you
in the decision making and you'll feel the difference
between a clueless guy and a guy who's trying to involve you in
decision making. But he'll always have a plan.
He'll always. Hey babe, I really wanted to try
this, this, this, this. Let's go.
Always you'll. And something else I noticed.
He makes plans for next time before Machane.
Before Machane, he's already. You know said.
Clear your Friday. I'd love to take you here on
Saturday. We're doing this.
Pack a bag. We'll do this in the morning and
then Osiku will will go here. Always has a plan, never leaving
you wondering why doesn't he ask me out?
Why doesn't he do things with me?
You'll never feel like that because he'll always accommodate
you in his plans. Consistently, he'll be
communicating, he'll be making sure he knows what you need.
He will make sure he's giving you the support that you need.
He'll make sure he's. Really, really showing up for
you. This is what will make you feel
consistently seen, had loved. It'll make you feel.
It's not just the financials, it's a really wholesome feeling.
You will always know if you guys are apart.
You'll always know very You'll always feel very, very secure
around him. And you'll notice that he's also
very thoughtful and attentive. He knows what you want.
You know he don't have to repeat things.
You'll say something once like I'm lactose intolerant and he'll
remember. He'll remember.
So don't settle for those guys that he doesn't know.
Your birthday, he doesn't know your favorite flowers he doesn't
know. Don't fall for that thing.
Attimena like that, bro. He'll be attentive.
He'll remember you said you like buggers, the Mama rocks.
He'll remember atti you like which music.
He'll even put a playlist because he'll remember the songs
you played last time. And he'll put them up together.
And if he doesn't remember, he'll go on YouTube and see the
history. Yanni, he'll do something or
he'll ask you. He'll do something and prepare
ahead of time. Remember I said great planner.
Something else is he's going to be very ready to.
Teach very openly, ready to teach you.
Things he's ready to offer education, and it's in the
smallest thing. Sometimes you don't know
something. He's never angry when you ask a
question. He's always ready to educate you
on stuff. It doesn't matter how stupid you
sound. Like that guy was seeing two
years ago. There's a time we're talking
about drones. And then I asked him, does a
drone have a camera? OK, listen, I was high a bit.
And then I was just making fun. I mean, I had really forgotten
that drones need cameras. And he seemed so upset in his
response. He seemed so annoyed by like,
how stupid can this girl be? But this guy, he's always ready.
It doesn't matter how stupid I sound or how obvious information
could be. He's always ready to teach and
he's always ready to start the communication education from.
Basic level. If he has to explain why 10 + 10
is 20, he'll start from what 0 is with patience, with
enthusiasm, with just eagerness, because he's excited.
He's excited to make sure I know more and I'm learning.
And by the way, is equality is Nataja Najjani obvious,
especially in friendship because these are the things we do
within our friendships and within our maybe other healthy
relationships. But like I said, I think it's
important I just repeat them so that people can understand that
the same standards they hold, you know, platonic relationships
to is the same standards they to hold romantic relationships to.
The same way you wouldn't let CG somebody talk to you.
How is the same way in a romantic relationship?
It should never fly. Like the respect and kindness
and grace and love should just always be consistent as well.
So I've noticed he's always so ready to teach me and also very
naturally protective. I mean not just physically, but
like even in the things he says and the things he teaches me,
you can see this is someone who really wants me to be safe.
His advice his even in his education, the things he teaches
me is always for the betterment of me.
There's nothing he says that's like detrimental.
And even if it is like I'm able to call it out, I'm able to say
that and then and he's always. Ready to learn?
That's something else. The same way in the same way.
He's ready to to teach. He's always ready to learn.
Always. He listens.
He doesn't argue.
He doesn't get defensive. He just says yes.
And he lands something else. When I mentioned something that
doesn't make me feel good, he just fixes it.
He doesn't argue, he doesn't say so Do you know me?
I'm like this Mina Conga evil. He's always ready.
He just says, yes, babe, yes, babe.
He's always ready to learn and do better, even if it's
something he doesn't necessarily agree with.
He listened enough to do better. He'll always question, OK, fine.
How can I improve in my own little way?
How can I do better to accommodate you and make sure
you also feel safe? Because I might believe in
something different and you believe in something different.
But the compromise has to make sense.
And he's always willing to come down and meet me where I'm at or
bring me up to his level. Also, the protection comes in a
very healthy way. It's never to how can I put it?
I think let me give an example. An example is in a in an
unhealthy relationship, someone might tell you there's no
education there, there's no lesson.
Maybe they're trying to communicate that how you're
dressed could potentially put you in a bad situation or
something like that, but they're bringing it out as something to
put you down or make you feel bad about yourself and your
body. And especially if you have
insecurities about your body, you'll wonder what does this
communication mean? That as opposed to the kind of
relationship where some solution, education or just
trying to make you understand it's really cool outside you
will get sick. Do you do you want to maybe
think of an alternative or are you OK?
Will you carry your coat? Can I bring something to you?
Do I come and pick you up? How long will you any instead of
reprimanding you, always providing solutions that make it
better so that you can learn because when it comes to you in
a very calm way, you're also able to want to listen and
understand. Even growing up with my mom, my
mom used to throw in my mini skirts and my tops that showed a
lot of cleavage and up to now she still always tells me
sometimes much things. To be very honest, on a very
like deep level, I don't care. I don't care, but I know where
the advice is coming from. It's not coming from Matty.
She hates me or she doesn't want to see me look good.
She she's telling me that because she's my mom, she knows
what being seen a certain way or someone you know lasting you
because of a certain way, she knows it puts you in direct
danger. And she's my mother, so I know
it always comes from care. It's just that maybe her
communication might not be as clear or as direct as I would
like. And growing up, that's something
we used to fight a lot when I was a teenager.
Now I get it. I completely understand and I'm
able to meet a compromise, especially when I'm with her
because it does. Of course her advice is coming
from a place of wanting me to be happy and healthy because she
loves me. So when someone loves you,
that's what they do. They always want to protect you
in their own little way. But you'll never get that
undertone of envy, jealousy, anger, bitterness or like bad
vibes. You'll always feel it.
Coming from a place of I actually love you and I care and
I give a fuck. That's something to.
Really look out for and he's also.
Always ready to be vulnerable and honest.
There's no none of that at all. Men don't do this.
Men, there's none of that. Because he's a human being just
like you. Your lover has feelings like
you. They also fail.
They also make mistakes. They also fall sometimes.
They also get depressed and they grieve and they're sad about
something and they're just ready to be vulnerable with you.
And in the same breath, they're able to be childlike.
This is something big like me. I love to sing and dance, but if
you're not close to me, that's not something you'll know.
Why? Because when I'm very, very
comfortable and I'm very, I feel very safe.
I in song and dance a lot. A lot.
I'm always singing and dancing in my house.
All the time. By myself.
But if you're not around me, you've probably never seen me
dance because that's not something I do when I'm around
anyone. And how I know I feel very safe
and secure is when I'm singing and I'm dancing because I have
No Fear. I have no insecurities.
I'm not thinking, Oh my God, who thinks like my dancing looks
bad. I don't feel like that.
And I sing and dance a lot at home with my when with my
parents, with my family. So that's something I also look
out for. And I don't know if it's a
universal truth, but you'll realize your lover's child like
features coming out, them being very playful and jokey and fun
and funny. You'll find yourself laughing a
lot, a lot more than you cry. You see, in all those
relationships, you are crying and you, it doesn't text me.
In this one, your biggest worry is that he's safe.
Whatever he is, he's just safe. You're not thinking that he's
cheating. He's talking to other people.
And even if he is, So what? Because you're so secure in
yourself. And that's the thing with
healthy relationships, they really force you to become
secure because it just rubs off on you.
They don't have a fear of loving.
They're not holding back. There is no tit for tat.
It literally doesn't matter. Something I've realized in my
relationship is that our core, like the thing we're focused on
is making sure the relationship is good.
So other things don't even matter.
Things like money at who pays for who.
These are very important discussions in relationships
like finances and stuff. But that's not the reason we're
with each other. We're not with each other for
for CG who will wash dishes, who does the chores, who does what
it's whoever wants to do it does it.
And something something interesting is I was talking
about this on dialogues of Jacquiro.
I can't remember with which episode, but it's something I
actually learned about him talking about his wife.
He said in their relationship everyone has money.
So things like money are not a discussion.
There's no ATI paid for this. You it's things are taken care
of groceries and shopping. They have delivery on dial
chores, they pay the help to do it.
CG cleaning. They pay someone for that CG.
What? So you're left with nothing else
to discuss in the relationship except.
Loving each other. There's no things about a tea.
You know me, I watch for him all the time.
He never buys me flowers. No, you realize things like
things like that are not like the important parts of a
relationship and it's more about your friendship and are you guys
growing and doing better and creating a really healthy
relationship for you guys to thrive.
It's just like having your friend.
You see when you have when you have a friend and you guys want
to go out to lunch. How can I get some more
questions? Ananya taliba nanya lipa Nani,
come on as a lip on a lipa. Come on a split split.
Because it literally doesn't matter as long as both of you
are safe and happy at the end of the day, that's all that
matters. Literally, it's not about who
cooked and who washed the dishes.
It literally doesn't matter. Everyone pulls their their
weight in the relationship. Everyone makes sure the other
person feels comfortable and safe enough to be themselves and
to be able to show up in the relationship.
So that's something I really noticed.
I think getting into relationships when you've been
doing the work on yourself also it helps in the journey because
you're able to spot someone who's coming to elevate you or
coming to demon motivate you. It's so simple to see because
already your standards are high because maybe already I'm taking
care of myself and I'm doing everything for myself.
So the only way I can let anyone else into my life is if they are
coming to add on to it. Only not coming to make me sad
and depressed because I'm already a very happy person.
So it's easy for me to focus on that than focusing on really
really dumb things that don't matter into the relation in the.
Relationship. A contrast I want to give to
this was the guy dated before him?
I'm putting out an article about him.
This guy was now the opposite of the guy dated last the year
before. You see, the year before he was
nonchalant like he buys me everything but he never shows
up. Now this one he used to maneno
matamu and he was so obsessed with me, very romantic, very
sweet. He used to also take care of me
or he used to love to take care of me, basically served and
worshipped me and was so obsessed with me.
Obsessed to the point like he can call me 10 times in an hour.
He just wants to hear my voice to to love me, to be there for
me. So going from someone who never
calls me to someone who wants to call me all the time, I felt if
something is wrong. But I didn't realize that I was
kind of being shown how to be in a position where I can accept
love and just drown in love. And slowly I started realizing
it's not that someone wanting to talk to me all the time is
weird. It's just that I was so used to
people who never talked to me that being in such a situation
was making me feel I this is too much because he's busy to know
someone who wants to call me 10 times an hour.
And now in the relationship, in the relationship I'm at, I'm
seeing a very healthy balance. It's like we don't have to talk
all day, every minute of the day.
But the kind of security I have, because he's consistently
available, I can call him anytime.
He's always going to be there. I can talk to him anytime, I can
text him anytime. I can tell him I need him to
come and get me. I can tell him what I want.
I can tell him where I need him to be, where I want us to go.
He's always ready to make time and accommodate me consistently.
And in the event that we're busy, I'm busy, or he's busy,
the security is consistent. I'm not wondering or feeling, Oh
my God, why isn't he texting me? Why?
Because he already communicated. He already told me where he's
going to be, what he's going to be doing and how he's feeling
and everything without me having to ask, without feeling like
it's forced communication, without feeling like I have to
reply immediately. Yeah, it's just safe and secure.
It's just, you just feel safe. It's just normal.
There's no anxiety, there's no desperation, there's No Fear.
It's just, yeah, I know he's here doing this and I'm going to
see him in an hour. So it's such a nice feeling.
And so now I can feel the balance.
I feel very secure and very sure because they are very available
and very ready to show up for me.
I feel very included in plans. I feel like although he's like,
he has the qualities of a man who has plans and is ready to
lead and take care of everything, I feel so included
because my decisions are just as important.
Like, no, no decisions are made without my my consent or
approval. Yanni, Nico too included.
Nico involved. Now, Liz, what do you think?
What do you want? What do you want to do?
And I feel very, very supported in my career, in my
relationships, in my decisions, in things I share.
And it's just a healthy friendship.
And I feel too supported because even in his own capacity, he
consistently puts me in positions to win.
He puts me in positions where you know, I can make more or I
can do more. He talks to me, improves my
networks. He puts me any.
It's just, you can just see this is my friend who wants me to
win. And in the same breath of giving
me reassurance and affirmations and all this, he also gives me
feedback, like important, honest feedback.
He tells me the truth. He's very honest about what he
feels, how I can maybe improve, how I can do better.
He shares opinions and ideas of how I can just do better.
And that's so important because in every sort of relationship,
because someone who loves you definitely wants you to do
better. And it's not just that they give
even then, they're ready to take criticism.
They're ready to to listen like upper babe Baku fanapur babe
will fail Upper babe Baku fanavi.
They're so ready to listen and also do better.
And something else I noticed is in disagreements.
OK, we haven't had this like big disagreements or anything
because we, I think we mesh a lot.
We're able to even agree to disagree, but in case of
disagreement, he brings them up. He's the one who brings up the
hard conversations. I'm never in a situation where
all this guy is ghosting me. We didn't discuss.
Yesterday's. Issue today we're acting, we
never move on. He brings it up, he makes sure
we've sorted and discussed and to make Shambu and Paka.
We reach a point where we're able to see each other's
perspectives and if we're not, we're still able to be very
understanding of it. It's such a breath of fish.
It's it's like dating a fastball.
It's such a nice fresh feeling, someone being so secure that
it's rubbing off on you. And hey, hear me out.
I keep saying is if it was in a Simni Kamani, very obvious.
I'm a like me. See, that's what's normal.
But I'm telling you, for someone who's been abused or someone
who's never been in a healthy relationship, this shit seems
like a Unicorn. It seems like it.
It's too good to be true. You mean he listens and he
doesn't argue and he says sorry, he apologizes, he fixes, he
brings up issues without ignoring them or seeming
nonchalant. It's such a rare occurrence in a
lot of. Let me say men because it's men
I did, but learning and seeing like other men willing to put in
the work and learning, whether it's because they have
experience or because. They just want to do better.
It's such a breath of fresh air. It makes it so easy for me to be
myself and to be childlike and to be fun.
And I'm always getting complimented.
It feels so good, even in the way he's always so excited to to
make. Plans with me to see me to
include me to be with him. The enthusiasm with which he has
when I'm involved is just so evident.
It's like, my God, he can't believe he gets to see me again
and again and again. And I like it because that kind
of excitement is important. If you can come, if you want,
it's you. As the girl who has to keep
asking, are we still meeting? Can we meet this a big man.
He makes the plans and he sees them through.
He keeps his word. He always keeps his word.
He always says what he's gonna do.
He always does for you what he says he was going to.
Things like that are very important.
And I guess it's all about the actions, all about what is he
doing, How is he making you feel more than what is he saying?
Because anyone can say anything. But when you leave, how do you
feel deep within yourself, in your heart, you feel happy,
loved, content, excited. It's nice, it's nice.
Our focus, like I said, is to enjoy the relationship and to
improve our lives. So things like chores and rolls,
those are not argument points. He does everything with me.
If I decide to cook something, he'll come in the kitchen and
cook. And he's never made me pay for
anything. But that's not the point.
It's just such things. They show you generosity.
And is he ready like to take care of a?
Family and is he generous and is he kind and is he respectful
I've never heard anything about oh you wash the dishes you go
and cook oh you do this no and even when I.
Cook. I cook because I want to.
I mean, of course my extension. Because I want to see him,
someone I love and care about, enjoy my meal and feel good.
But it's always because it's a kind gesture, not just for me
and for him. And it always comes from a space
of love and wanting to nourish and nurture someone I love.
So it's such a good feeling. And he never lets me do anything
alone, nothing, going to the grocery store, going to buy
anything, cooking anything. He's always there with me
consistently because he always wants to be around me doing
things with me. And when it's me time, it's me
time. Very busy man, very preoccupied.
But when it's time to spend time with me, I always feel
fulfilled. Yanni, No distractions, no
making me feel like I'm out of place or I shouldn't be there.
And also he brings me places and like he's ready to show me off.
Let me tell you things like Aman even taking you places or let's
say in most relationships it's manga.
Let's take a picture, babe. Let me take pictures of you or
babe or him just taking pictures of you and him being proud to
show you off. The first time you experienced
that, you'll feel so bad, sneaky links.
You'll be so shocked. You'll be so shocked that this
man actually actually wants to be seen with you.
And I'm really able to rest in my feminine.
Let me tell you, even the first time I went to his place and I
spent the night the next day, Not the first time, the second
time, the first time, the first time I had to leave in the
morning because I had work. But the next time I spent he, he
had asked me prior, he said I would like you to spend more
than one night at my place. So maybe park because I, I have
things I want us to do. I have activities I've planned
out. So just park and then you'll
stay for two nights. And I agreed, I like because I
like spending time with him is very fun.
It's very funny. We laugh all the time.
It's so fun. It's like having a really fun
friend who has a lot of money and wants to spend it all on you
and he loves you and he's made all the plans.
It's so exciting. So the next day when I woke up,
you know, to not spend the day, but I kept having having this
feeling nagging me at the back of my mind.
Yeah. What if he wants me to go?
And he arranged for breakfast in the morning?
He wasn't showing signs, like he wants to go or he wants me to
leave. And to be honest, I was very
anxious. I think he read the energy and
he just told me just relax. Stay.
I want you to stay. I invited you.
Relax. I don't know how he noticed, but
that's why. He said, and you know where the
fear was coming from, that feeling for when you wake up in
the morning and a guy starts, you know, being fake busy
because he wants you out of his house.
I don't like it. I don't like when someone does
that to me. I can call you a Uber because I
have to go to work and. Doesn't matter whether it's the
truth or a lie, there's just some feeling of rejection.
I think I've had that trauma for.
But this time I was just learning to not have fear and it
was so weird. And the way everything is taken
care of, I never have to think what are we going to?
To eat, what are we going to do? What are he's already arranged?
Everything is done. My job is to enjoy and feel good
and relax. It's such a nice feeling.
Something else that made me really laugh is during our
second date, we also if you're a passenger Princess, you know, if
you've dated an angry man, how it like when you mix up
directions and stuff and they get so agitated and they start.
To shout at you or they they show you like they're annoyed
because you're always get things wrong here.
I just, even when I mess up, I just feel so safe because he
always reaffirms me and reassures me and says it's OK.
It seems like a normal thing. But when you're traumatized, you
need the constant fear of, Oh my God, I've messed up.
He'll shout at me about how fuel is expensive and no, nothing
like that. He just makes a ton and he's so
ready to go where I want as long as it makes me happy and it
makes me feel good. And that's our decisions.
It's such a breath of fresh air. So after eating, he came to pull
my chair so that we could go to the sink to wash our hands.
And after washing our hands, he went ahead of me to the Soviet
station to grab a Soviet for me so that I could dry my hands
with. And I also went fast to try and.
Not to get ahead of him, but to just get the Soviet as well.
And then when I turned, I see he had already picked enough
Soviets for himself and for me, and he was handing me mine.
And he started laughing. And I started laughing because.
And then he. Said just yeah.
And I started laughing because this is.
This wasn't the first time he was catching me.
The lesson there is that I was, I'm so used to doing things for
myself, even things like pulling my own chair, opening my own
doors. I have never.
Pulled a chair or opened a door since I met this man.
And it's it's cute gestures that I have experienced from men a
lot over and over. I'm not saying Jay for new easy
V2, but a man being consistent, like even long after he's
already quoted you and he's got you.
It doesn't matter whether you guys are.
Having a bad. Day, Whether he's sad, whether
he's broke, whether he's annoyed, whether he's lost a
deal, He's consistency in his actions.
It never changes whether we have a disagreement.
I have never had to do anything by myself or for myself when I'm
with him. Never.
And in that moment, yes, I've yet it makes me laugh because
anyway, Nika feels me bad because I realized I was so used
to being like in my masculine energy and taking charge and
doing things for myself. And here is someone who's come
into my life and they're trying to show me listen, chill out.
I've got you. You don't have to do nothing.
You don't have to do anything and listen, my previous
boyfriend was like that also that one used to even bathe me
and kiss the floor I walk on, but it's it's different.
I can't feel the difference in that.
The other one was just obsessed with me.
This one is a very secure guy who even if I broke his heart,
if I if I like, let's say an example, let's say if I cheated
on him, he's not going to lower his standard.
He's someone who's giving his heart and he's giving 100%
because he's ready for love and he's very available.
Whatever I do, whether I reciprocate or not, him is just
a lover. He's always giving love.
It's just who he is. He's not giving on condition.
On condition I do this for him. Or if I do this, he'll do this
is it. It's just him being himself.
And it's something he, he tells me as well.
He says, Mimi, I'm always ready to give love.
Doesn't matter how many times I've been heartbroken.
I'm always ready to, he'll move on and receive and give love
because I know the benefits of working on myself.
And the more I give, the more I receive.
And it's true because in this time I've been with him, I've
literally gone from being an avoidant because I was.
So there's a time we were talking about communication in
relationships. And for me, like I said, I was
so used to dating guys who are very present financially but
never talked to me. And so I told him he we were
talking about something. And my response was, I think
people who sit on their phone and talk all day all the time
must be idle, right? And he said no.
And he started teaching me about how communication is important
in relationships. And I realized how badly I had
been traumatized by people who never talked to me, that I was
thinking something as essential as basic communication in a
relationship is too much. Any someone has hurt me, and now
I'm ready to be like that. But I realized that I I have to
stay aware so that I'm able to never change.
The lover in me just has to be me.
It's not a tea. I'm loving because someone is
loving. It's because I'm a lover.
I just love and I give love and that's who I am because becoming
that person really helps you. Now when you're in a
relationship and you guys are two lovers, it's just magic.
He's really enabled me to rest in my feminine and he just, he's
just him being a man who knows what he's want he wants and
being very consistent in his actions.
It gives me a feeling of being loved and feeling very, very
secure. I love that he shows me he wants
me around. He wants to see me, he wants me
to be there. I'm giving this in contrast to
those girls who they're the ones who always have to plan
everything and ask their man to see them.
Babe, if he wants you, you'll just know.
You literally never have to ask. You'll never have to wonder.
You'll never have to be confused about what does he feel, what
does he want? Because you'll always know.
You'll always know even during our I can't remember if it was
our third date or 4th I was on my period.
He had asked to Take Me Out to dinner and I told him I'm on my
period. I feel very weird and to be
honest I was had that fear in the back of my mind that maybe
he was going to be weirded out if I'm on my period and also
it's my first time being on my period.
I don't want to be around him like that.
And then he said it's OK I understand doesn't matter I
still want to see you. Just come, just come.
I'll take care of you. And he really did take care of
me and he didn't even want to do anything.
He just wanted to take care of me and be with me.
Sometimes you'll be in a relationship with the kind of
guy who'll be like, you know, he'll try to have sex with you
and you're not comfortable or he'll try to touch you or he'll
try to kiss you and you're not in that mood.
Or even he'll he'll try to get intimate with you and you're not
there. And sometimes you might have
fear. Sometimes the explanation is
coming from I'm not really in the mood to come and make out
and laugh and kiss and all that. And if you're not in the
capacity to take care of me, it's going to be awkward.
But someone who still wants to hang out with you will create a
space for you to feel comfortable.
Regardless of whatever you're going through, they still want
to see you. Whether you're grieving or broke
or sad or distressed, they just want to see you and be there
with you and share you up and make you feel good.
I hope you guys are noticing. I'm talking about the actions of
who they are. Not even the things that they're
doing for me, who they are as a person, this is really who they
are. Consistency, No Faltering in
actions? No, it's just actions.
Consistent actions and communication.
It makes you feel so much safe. Being loved like this has really
made me go from an avoidant person to someone who's very
secure because now I'm starting to understand why this is how
love is supposed to be. It's supposed to be free and
patient and kind and amazing and give you good feelings.
Part of the title of this podcast is how to keep a man and
how to know when he's very into you.
I think I've talked about how to know when he's very into you
because these are actions I've been able to see.
I think it's really important that if you're a lover, a real
lover, you don't just focus on one.
Don't just focus on like the money part, unless maybe if
you're dating from you want money and you need money, then
it'll work for you. But if you're someone who wants
emotions, make sure you're doing a 360 checkup.
Like you're consistently looking out for these actions that make
you feel. Loved and wanted and respected
and included and just needed in the relationship.
Like you're in an important part of the relationship that he
wants. It's so important.
So for the part of how to keep a man, babe, there's nothing you
can do that will keep a man. Literally, you could do all
these things and he still leave you.
He could do all these things he could, he could literally be the
most perfect Angel and still the relationship might not work out.
The end of the lesson is how you keep a man is by you improving
yourself and continuing to be yourself and you see how your
growth is impacting his growth. If you guys are compatible, you
keep meshing into each other. You're you're consistently with
your consistency will match his. Your kindness will match his,
his will also match yours because you guys will be on the
same frequency and the things you want will be always towards
your betterment and your growth. And when it stops being that the
relationship could end and it's still going to be OK because at
the end of the day, you're going to be able to notice the much
growth that you've achieved in this relationship.
And that's why I always say I don't I can't talk bad about my
exes because even though maybe Trulia China in bad times I'm at
the relationship didn't work out.
These guys really improved me in some way in in some way Cunnola
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confidence in myself, how to choose better, how to love
myself more. Because these men were already
really good men without me. Like they were already walking
on themselves and loving themselves before they met me.
I leave the relationship feeling so much better, even if it was a
painful ending. It's just there's so, so much
improvement and growth on my part and it feels so good.
Whatever the growth was, whether it was financial or emotional,
it really, really matters. All of it matters and it's, it's
so good. So the lesson is heal yourself
and grow yourself and do all these things for yourself.
Because if you meet this man who is doing all this work and he's
just this wonderful on his own, you don't want to fumble.
And it's so easy to fumble a good person.
This advice now goes cuts all across board, even the dramas.
If you're not working on yourself and you meet this girl
who's doing the intentional work, you're going to fumble
her. Because let me tell you, this
guy, see, in the beginning, he's shown me his straightforwardness
and his communication. But because I was so avoidant,
like even in my communication, there's a time I broke up with
him. I broke things off and I told
him, I'm sorry. I sent him this long message
telling him I don't think we're compatible.
And you know what my issue was? Just because I couldn't
communicate clearly, I didn't want to listen.
I was already ready to get defensive.
And my first thought was my first response was, was to jump
ship, to sabotage, to end everything and to just kill it.
I sent him a long message telling him about how I don't
think we're compatible. And you know what his response
was? He says I think we're
compatible. I think we're meant to be
together. I really like you.
So I think we should just pause, breathe, think, and then we can
have this discussion. When I did my introspection, I
started to realize that that's what I always do.
I always jump ship when things get too serious or I need to
confront the seriousness of a relationship.
I'm always ready to say, OK, this is not working out.
I'm done. And I realize that's not how you
treat healthy relationships, even with your friends.
Rafiho kasiriki Omwachi muna discuss.
Muna Fix and in this relationship I've done nothing
but learn how to be a better person, a better communicator,
more tolerant and listen. Not tolerant for bullshit, not
tolerant for nonsense and like add characteristics, Juicy J
experience and something else avoiding a lot of you know
negativity negative talk negative friends, negative
energy consuming negative stuff online.
You know all the times you men do these women do these women
fear women women are asked you what men are what achana nasal
Vito, achana nasal Vito no focus come on attakama pensi kubalima
pensi no kubalito. There is no need for you to be
out here, you know, looking. For.
Stories that might sabotage your relationship or something that
might make you have fear and insecurities within the
relationship. If it's time to enjoy love, just
enjoy love. Enjoy.
It's nice, it feels good. It feels good in such kind of a
situation, as long as you've been doing the work for yourself
and listen. Something else you'll notice is
when you're with someone who makes you feel safe and secure
is that you look better. You'll just start to glow.
You'll become more beautiful, kinda.
You'll be more graceful, more feminine, more sweet, more kind
of nasi na mingi mingi unadino afiti unongilesh afiti.
You're taken care of. You feel very secure.
It's such a nice feeling. You'll be able to tell the
difference between a man who just buys you stuff and a man
who's actually investing in you. He's giving you his time, his
energy, his advice, his wisdom, his money.
He's just really, really generous with all his resources
towards making sure his woman is feeling very well taken care of.
You message near my lovers. I'm curious to hear what you
think, but this is what I think. This is what I've been
experiencing. I've been experiencing really,
really great. Can I say lovers, really great
lovers who've made me love myself even more.
And now I'm really enjoying the fruits of the of my labor.
I'm enjoying all the work I've put in.
I'm enjoying being with a with an emotionally secure and safe
person who makes me an even better version of myself because
I'm consistently learning any. I feel support all the time.
But say these people exist and they're ready to love you.
You just have to also be open so that you're able to learn what
to look out for and how to love yourself better so that you can
understand. I think I'll finish that.
This has been a really long episode, but I had to talk about
all that. I just hope you leave this
discussion feeling very loved and ready to be loved.
But tell me in the comments if you feel like you're ready to
experience this and if you think I'm making sense.
This is just my personal experience, tell me what you
think. I want to hear toodles.