1 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:25,960 Since we're still in the spirit of very boldly discussing sexual 2 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:30,120 assault and femicide today, I wanted to talk about consent. 3 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:34,760 But I want to approach it from a side of how you need to trust 4 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,960 your intuition and you need to trust your body and you need to 5 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,840 be able to listen to yourself so that you you can make a 6 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:44,600 connection between your body and your mind. 7 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,760 That intuition vision never ever lies to you. 8 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:52,520 And I want to talk about how using this will help you escape 9 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,720 situations that you don't want to be in. 10 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,760 It will help you communicate better with yourself and even 11 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,520 with the people around you or your sexual partner. 12 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:05,720 And just how all of that ties into having a better sexual 13 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:10,720 experience that absolutely guarantees you better orgasms. 14 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:16,200 I wanted to talk about consent and everything surrounding 15 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,680 consent earlier, but I didn't know how I was going to frame 16 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:24,000 this conversation so that I can make it a bit fun and 17 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,120 interesting. It's it's around six AMI haven't 18 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:31,160 slept because I've been working throughout the night, but that's 19 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,480 because I slept also Jana the whole days. 20 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,160 So it's kind of me paying back. I can hear people waking up 21 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:42,960 right now going to work and I remember when I had an 8 to five 22 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:46,360 job and I used to be so miserable every time. 6:00 AM in 23 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:50,520 Queen Africa, but says I'm just in my in my living room 24 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:54,520 recording this podcast. And then I'll make myself a cup 25 00:01:54,560 --> 00:02:00,240 of chamomile tea and then I'll go and fall asleep and I'll wake 26 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:04,880 up later to do some editing for some articles and then I'll go 27 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:08,600 visit my mom for the weekend. So all that to say that I 28 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,200 really, really like my life and I'm so happy and proud of myself 29 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:17,200 for being able to trust my intuition and trusting my 30 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:21,160 intuition has actually always put me in situations that have 31 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,240 made me proud of myself. But before you understand what 32 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:29,480 trusting your intuition is, you fuck up a few times because it 33 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:33,520 stems from not having confidence in yourself, not being able to 34 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:37,000 make decisions that help you become a better person. 35 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,840 And this is because mostly of our childhood traumas, you know, 36 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:43,200 we grew up in situations where a trust wasn't really bestowed 37 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,360 upon us. You are a perfect child, 38 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:49,400 Uttapatama. You are in a strict household. 39 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,360 Uttapatta. Most of your life was always 40 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,440 planned. You're told everything, what to 41 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,960 do, where to go, how to do it. And then you're thrown out into 42 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,280 the world. You don't know how to make 43 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,960 decisions. You don't know how to trust 44 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,360 yourself. You don't know how to trust your 45 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:04,600 intuition. You don't know. 46 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,560 So your body and your mind never has direct communication, which 47 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:12,760 means you find it even difficult to have basic communication with 48 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,880 yourself. So when you're in such a 49 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,840 situation, it's very, very hard to make decisions for yourself. 50 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,760 And it's simple decisions such as even having a healthier diet 51 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:27,640 or giving up unhealthy habits. It seems like it can be an easy 52 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,440 thing to do. But sometimes it takes a lot 53 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:34,440 more mental stimulation and self-discipline for you to get 54 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,240 to a point where all these things are able to be 55 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:41,560 interconnected and then your body and your mind are in tandem 56 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:46,240 with each other. I always say this ever since I 57 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:51,840 was before the age of 25. I feel like every sexual 58 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:57,680 experience I had was mostly coerced or very unintentional. 59 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,200 I don't think I was grown up enough to give consent. 60 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,040 Like enthusiastically. I think all the times I ever 61 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:08,200 accepted to have sex was because either I had a boyfriend and 62 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:13,240 that's what you do when you have a boyfriend or I don't know 63 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,480 because any I didn't know what I was doing. 64 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,519 I can't say I was actively participating in the sex. 65 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:25,560 And after I went past 25 years old, I started having more 66 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,720 conscious sex, like more intentional sex. 67 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,800 But even then, my confidence wasn't always up there. 68 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,240 Like I wasn't always able to say no confidently. 69 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:39,560 And I would still sometimes fall for coercion or sometimes I'd 70 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,880 find myself in situations with people who I knew for sure 71 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,160 didn't like me, but I still gave myself to them. 72 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:53,400 Because around this time was when I started exploring like 73 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,360 why I get these feelings of unworthiness. 74 00:04:56,360 --> 00:05:00,640 So like every time I have sex, I feel like myself esteem goes 75 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,640 down. I was wondering like, what is 76 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,480 it? Where does this feelings stem 77 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:07,200 from? So other than other reasons that 78 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:11,120 I I wouldn't discuss today, I figured out that I wasn't in 79 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,960 situations that were fully consensual like Siku Kwana 80 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,360 Japan, Niki taka niliku energy particle situations. 81 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:23,680 In it, Xenani forced me have sex and it made me have to cut back 82 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:27,480 on a lot of these situations, a lot of these people, a lot of 83 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:31,120 anything that gave me the feeling that I wasn't supposed 84 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:34,160 to be here and I did not want to have sex with this person. 85 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,960 You know, when you start figuring out new things about 86 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,160 yourself, you kind of start grieving your old self because 87 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:41,880 you start feeling a lot of shame. 88 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:45,400 OK, I started feeling a lot of shame and guilt for a lot of the 89 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:49,760 things that I let happen to me, let in quotes happened to me or 90 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:53,080 I allowed for. But along the way, I started 91 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:56,640 learning how to forgive myself and how to start over afresh as 92 00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:00,640 many times as I can. Because or any learning process, 93 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,720 to be honest. If you don't even know you're 94 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,320 being coerced or if you don't know how important consent is to 95 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,560 you, it's kind of difficult to know what to look out for or 96 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,240 what to ask for. So something that I always 97 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:16,760 noticed was anytime I had a like when I was in love with someone, 98 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:22,440 when I was into someone, the sex was kind of I was I was actively 99 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,240 participating. I loved it. 100 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:28,680 But when we'd break up and then we'd start with like Illustexia 101 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:33,560 to Mechanas to know you're to cocoa Limboya before you move on 102 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,040 to the next person or whatever you decide next. 103 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,800 The sex doesn't hit the same as like when there's an emotional 104 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,640 connection and when you're in love. 105 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,960 OK, I'm speaking for myself. I'm just speaking about it in 106 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,160 third person so that it's not a me, me, me, me, me kind of 107 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:53,000 conversation so that so that you can feel in as a listener. 108 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,920 So this is what prompted me to start doing investigations on 109 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,920 myself sexually to understand like where all these feelings 110 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,280 come from. You know, I do a lot of 111 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:05,760 introspection and I love to ask myself a lot of questions, 112 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:10,120 especially about how I feel about experiences after 113 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,880 experiences or how someone made me feel. 114 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,880 And I realized like, other than the lack of an emotional 115 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:21,280 connection 100% into it. And did you know your body is to 116 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,840 tell you when you're not feeling the sex? 117 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,440 I was having this conversation with my friend a few months ago 118 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:31,400 and she was telling me about how she went back to her ex as well. 119 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,000 And they had some actually podcasters. 120 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,800 You tell them a story. And then one day you Najisia 121 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,240 took a story. A friend of mine, that's what 122 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,640 you signed up for When you decide to be friends with a 123 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,560 podcaster, Of course, all anonymity is preserved. 124 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:49,440 So my friend was, was telling me, you know, she, she had sex 125 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,640 with this guy but she felt so, so much pain. 126 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,040 And this is someone she was dating for a while. 127 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,080 But this time the sex was just different. 128 00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,600 It was so painful. She was unable to like enjoy, it 129 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:04,920 was quite too different. She thought she had a problem 130 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,760 with herself. So immediately she booked an 131 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,640 appointment with the gyna and she went in and got checked and 132 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:17,120 everything was fine. But later on she had sex with 133 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:21,240 someone else that she she liked and someone that she she was now 134 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,480 very interested in. And the sex was amazing. 135 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,720 And this new guy was bigger than the last. 136 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,720 OK, not I don't know. I don't know. 137 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,799 Let me not see that information. So you know, we we were talking 138 00:08:32,799 --> 00:08:36,039 about it and I found some similarities with my stories 139 00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:38,520 because such things have happened to me and I didn't 140 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:43,159 believe it until I had sex also and it was with someone from my 141 00:08:43,159 --> 00:08:46,680 past and the sex was so fucking painful. 142 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:50,120 It was just it was a natural. I was horny and I decided, ah, 143 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,480 whatever, let him just give me the Dick. 144 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,040 No strings attached to nothing. It's just for fun. 145 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,880 And the sex was so unbearable. I barely enjoyed it. 146 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:02,120 It was painful. It was I had to concentrate so 147 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,320 much to come like it was taking a lot of my energy to even want 148 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,160 to participate in the sex because I was spending time 149 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,880 running away from that Dick every singles. 150 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,480 What is it really called jungle. And months before this guy I had 151 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:19,360 had sex with someone was way bigger, like way, way, way, way. 152 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:23,040 And because I really, really was into that guy, like I really 153 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,480 liked him. I was very emotionally attached 154 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,960 and the sex was amazing. It was the best sex I ever had. 155 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,080 So now we're just comparing notes like okay, to win the 156 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:37,040 Quagaina hakuna anything in an indicator to Konashida internal. 157 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,280 So how come when we're having sex with guys, we like this 158 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:44,760 experience is so different from someone who like you're not into 159 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:48,440 like you you you're forced to settle because of circumstances. 160 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:55,400 You're not 100% into it either. You've had the sex because the 161 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,760 Dick is there or any hakuna connection. 162 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:02,520 So we're discussing and then it, it, it was kind of a like Eureka 163 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,760 moment, like, Oh my God. So this is what is happening. 164 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:09,680 And I started to do my research on can your body be rejecting a 165 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:13,320 partner? And yes, your body, because 166 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:17,400 you're an animal, of course you have the normal responses to 167 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:22,000 trauma such as fight, flight or freeze and Kitambo. 168 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:26,120 Like now when I was below 25 when a man would beg and beg and 169 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:29,600 beg and coerce me and say, you know, and beg, let's just go 170 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:33,120 home and just go home. Me go home and you say no so 171 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,800 many times to the point that you're unable to keep saying no. 172 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:40,840 I would fall into this situation where I just freeze and I think 173 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,320 this still happens to me. That's why I had to decide to 174 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:47,560 stop having sex with people I'm not emotionally attached to, 175 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,840 people I have no connections with, and I just freeze. 176 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,600 Yanni, I freeze in bed. I'm unable to move Niki for 177 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,720 Chamande, I'm unable to do anything. 178 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,480 I, I, I, I'm not sure any I'm not. 179 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,960 But when it's someone I love, there's so much enthusiasm, like 180 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,520 I'm actively participating. I'm kissing them, touching them, 181 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,760 loving on them, speaking to them. 182 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,600 I'm so into the sex. But when it's not like that, 183 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,800 it's not a situation that makes me feel safe. 184 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,800 I just freeze. And it's kind of like I let 185 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:21,120 them, I let them or they just take charge of the situation and 186 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,920 kind of have their way with me. It's not a nice feeling because 187 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,480 afterwards you start over thinking like why would why 188 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,840 didn't I move? Will he think I'm bad at sex? 189 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,200 Why was I and why was I so scared? 190 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,480 Why was I so anxious? What's wrong? 191 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,920 What's what was happening you blah blah blah. 192 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,600 All these questions and I realized, oh man, this is my 193 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:49,080 body's language in a way to read if I'm giving 100% consent and I 194 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:53,080 did not know. So I realized that for me to 195 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,600 have a fulfilling sexual experience, I have to have 196 00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:01,880 feelings of being seen and feelings of being sure that I 197 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:06,200 want to be there 100%. There's No 2% chance that I'm 198 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,760 not sure I have to 100% to be there. 199 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:13,880 Sometimes this fight or flight being activated is caused by 200 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:18,080 stress when you think about sex or feelings of, you know, fear 201 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:22,040 that it'll be unsatisfactory. And this is a direction 202 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,680 correlation to you not having orgasms, you not having 203 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:30,080 satisfying sex. And that's why Munas Kangama de 204 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,280 Mara mob wanna wanna Shindo communicate during sex. 205 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:37,480 And then they end up faking the sex like with the leg shakes and 206 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,040 the loud moons and the the shaking. 207 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:44,600 However way women like to pretend they're coming just so 208 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,120 that you can finish and get off of her. 209 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,040 And we need to get to a point where we're not doing this 210 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,640 anymore because sex has to be enjoyable for everyone. 211 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,120 It has to be enjoyable for the women as well. 212 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,640 Sex shouldn't feel like something that's being done to 213 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,160 us, rather something that like we're doing together, something 214 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:05,120 we want to do and the feelings of safety and comfort really 215 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,920 chunky a lot in giving you Peace of Mind for you to be able to 216 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:13,520 achieve orgasms. So when your body is rejecting 217 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,760 the wrong partner, I say the wrong partner to mean that this 218 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,760 person could be actually a good person. 219 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,960 It doesn't have to be at it. They're not a good person. 220 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:24,200 They could be a model person that you want to have sex with. 221 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:28,120 But for as long as your body is giving you signals that maybe 222 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,720 you don't feel safe enough, Amma, you're not supposed to be 223 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,960 here. Amma, you're not 100% sure about 224 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:40,400 the sex because you have anxiety all of a sudden or you just feel 225 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,760 something is wrong. It's so important that you're 226 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:46,360 able to listen to yourself. Proving the communication 227 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,920 between your body and your mind will improve the way you read 228 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,480 your intuition. It will improve the way you read 229 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,120 such signals. And instead of ignoring, you're 230 00:13:56,120 --> 00:14:00,040 going to be much more conscious about your sexual partner for 231 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:05,000 you so that you are able to enjoy a better sexual 232 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:09,400 relationship. So if you've ever been in a 233 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,440 situation where you're feeling like you're not sure you're not 234 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,480 100%, please listen to your body. 235 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:18,560 Do not betray yourself. Sometimes even sometimes I I 236 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,760 truly believe as a spiritual person, I truly believe your 237 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,760 body can even notice if let's say the other person is trying 238 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,560 to give you an STD and you you feel something you feel this 239 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,840 person is not being 100. But if you ignore and if you 240 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,640 just move past it and say, oh, it's OK. 241 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,600 And sometimes it's not an STD. These people, some people have 242 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,840 fungus all over their balls, all over their vagina. 243 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:47,120 Some people have STI's, infections all around their ass, 244 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,720 all around their pubic area. And they do not know because 245 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,440 they do not check. They they just scratch their 246 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,520 skin. But they, they, they've never 247 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,320 got screened, they've never got tested. 248 00:14:56,320 --> 00:15:00,520 So imagine your body is sounding all these alarms, all these red 249 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,560 flags and you're just ignoring. Sometimes your vagina will just 250 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:07,840 close up and refuse to accommodate him and or sometimes 251 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,240 when he's inside you it's so painful. 252 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,880 Or sometimes you don't get wet at all. 253 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,400 Or sometimes as a man, you don't get hard, you're struggling. 254 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,520 Like usually it's so easy for you, but in this moment you're 255 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,960 really, really struggling. I know there can be other 256 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:25,920 factors that are external, but within this sexual relationship 257 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,080 that you're in with your partner, you guys should be able 258 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:31,000 to have the conversation that allows for the both of you to 259 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,600 feel safe enough. Also so that the other person 260 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,280 does not feel rejected sexually. Sometimes you just you're sick, 261 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:41,080 sometimes you have a headache, sometimes you're not, you're not 262 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:45,720 horny and your partner is horny. So if you're rejecting them 263 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,640 without even realizing that you're doing it, it can make 264 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,400 your sexual partner feel rejected. 265 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,400 And maybe they're really, really in the mood. 266 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,000 And then you see it puts it puts them in a situation where they 267 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,000 they start feeling like now they have to coerce you for sex. 268 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,480 First of all, no one should coerce anyone for sex. 269 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:06,120 But, you know, I mean, like, they, they feel like they're 270 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,440 sending out their advances and you're not communicating, you're 271 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,040 not being able to tell them the truth about how you feel. 272 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:15,120 That's why having such conversations is very important 273 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,640 so that even discussions like sexual rejection and how to 274 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:22,440 handle it can be brought about. It's important for you and your 275 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:26,360 sexual partner to be able to listen to each other, to be open 276 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,920 to discussion. Remember, no coercion, no guilt 277 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:33,680 chipping at the where we Kim zimo mekata kulala namimi. 278 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:38,280 No, you're supposed to be very, very willing to listen, willing 279 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,760 to be patient and kind. Because sex is actually such a 280 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,800 big issue. One wrong move and it can be 281 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,240 termed as rape. Forcing someone to have sex with 282 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:51,400 you, even yes, even if they're your wife, your husband, even if 283 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,400 you've been having sex every day for 20 years and today they say 284 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:57,200 no. Even if they're naked on top of 285 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:03,280 you and they have not given a resounding yes and 100% yes and 286 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,400 sometimes yes doesn't have to be words. 287 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,040 It can just see their body language, how they're acting 288 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:09,640 around you. That's why you should be able to 289 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:14,040 read cues saying, you know, she come to Nana Tanmuli Amma. 290 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:16,319 They're turning their body away from you. 291 00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:17,640 They don't want you to touch them. 292 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:18,920 They don't want you to kiss them. 293 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:23,640 Do not force, do not insist. You need to be very very aware 294 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:28,560 to make sure that your partner wants you 100% for the sex to be 295 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:32,720 amazing for the both of you to be able to enjoy it, rather than 296 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:37,360 one person feeling like it was taken from them and the other 297 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:42,240 person feeling like they had to beg or coerce or or negotiate to 298 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,320 have sex. Sex is supposed to be free, 299 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,560 willing, open and a discussion before it is hard. 300 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:52,560 Personally I find it very very attractive when people ask me 301 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,520 for consent. Can I kiss you? 302 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,600 Can I touch you, Can I hold your hand? 303 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,200 Can I hug you? Can I eat you out? 304 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,840 Can I fuck you? Can I? 305 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,360 The last time I had sex, this guy we had, we did foreplay for 306 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:10,840 hours, hours and it reached a point he said I'm not putting my 307 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:15,440 Dick inside you until you beg me until you ask me for it. 308 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:19,600 Such things just really turn me on because it's like he's trying 309 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,760 to make sure he may figure point. 310 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,160 I need to be for me to even want him. 311 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,960 Like he needs to be 100% sure my body wants him. 312 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:31,560 Not just my mouth saying yes, it's my body showing all the 313 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:35,200 signs that I'm safe, I'm comfortable and I want him. 314 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,880 I've also had sex with people who they totally ignored that I 315 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,480 was saying no. They totally ignored that I was 316 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,160 not comfortable. They totally ignored that my 317 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:49,200 body was frozen and I was just sitting there unable to respond 318 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,240 because they coerced me at night. 319 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,040 You feel so much fear when someone has coerced you into 320 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,880 sex. It doesn't matter how old you 321 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:59,720 are because you know, especially with men, the option of being an 322 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:04,160 alive is always there. So it's scary and you it's, it's 323 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,480 just a lot to take in. So please, for you to improve 324 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:11,720 your sexual relationship, just ensure that you allow for your 325 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:16,600 body and your mind to coexist so that they can make decisions 326 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,360 together. Apply your intuition, allow your 327 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,880 body to tell you how it feels about this person that you're 328 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,880 about to have sex with or this environment that you're about to 329 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:30,680 go hang out in or just anything pertaining to anything that you 330 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,960 intend to do. Take care of your body, take 331 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:37,480 care of yourself because this overall is is going to be 332 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,760 reflected by the kind of sex you have. 333 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,720 If you're taking care of yourself, your body, 334 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:46,760 spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, and 335 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:50,760 I mean by using condoms always, it's always going to reflect in 336 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:54,360 the kind of sexual life you're going to have sexual hygiene in 337 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:58,360 a in a involve all these things. So please take care of yourself 338 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:02,440 and love yourself and be kind to yourself and use condoms to 339 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:02,960 rules.