Since we're still in the spirit of very boldly discussing sexual
assault and femicide today, I wanted to talk about consent.
But I want to approach it from a side of how you need to trust
your intuition and you need to trust your body and you need to
be able to listen to yourself so that you you can make a
connection between your body and your mind.
That intuition vision never ever lies to you.
And I want to talk about how using this will help you escape
situations that you don't want to be in.
It will help you communicate better with yourself and even
with the people around you or your sexual partner.
And just how all of that ties into having a better sexual
experience that absolutely guarantees you better orgasms.
I wanted to talk about consent and everything surrounding
consent earlier, but I didn't know how I was going to frame
this conversation so that I can make it a bit fun and
interesting. It's it's around six AMI haven't
slept because I've been working throughout the night, but that's
because I slept also Jana the whole days.
So it's kind of me paying back. I can hear people waking up
right now going to work and I remember when I had an 8 to five
job and I used to be so miserable every time. 6:00 AM in
Queen Africa, but says I'm just in my in my living room
recording this podcast. And then I'll make myself a cup
of chamomile tea and then I'll go and fall asleep and I'll wake
up later to do some editing for some articles and then I'll go
visit my mom for the weekend. So all that to say that I
really, really like my life and I'm so happy and proud of myself
for being able to trust my intuition and trusting my
intuition has actually always put me in situations that have
made me proud of myself. But before you understand what
trusting your intuition is, you fuck up a few times because it
stems from not having confidence in yourself, not being able to
make decisions that help you become a better person.
And this is because mostly of our childhood traumas, you know,
we grew up in situations where a trust wasn't really bestowed
upon us. You are a perfect child,
Uttapatama. You are in a strict household.
Uttapatta. Most of your life was always
planned. You're told everything, what to
do, where to go, how to do it. And then you're thrown out into
the world. You don't know how to make
decisions. You don't know how to trust
yourself. You don't know how to trust your
intuition. You don't know.
So your body and your mind never has direct communication, which
means you find it even difficult to have basic communication with
yourself. So when you're in such a
situation, it's very, very hard to make decisions for yourself.
And it's simple decisions such as even having a healthier diet
or giving up unhealthy habits. It seems like it can be an easy
thing to do. But sometimes it takes a lot
more mental stimulation and self-discipline for you to get
to a point where all these things are able to be
interconnected and then your body and your mind are in tandem
with each other. I always say this ever since I
was before the age of 25. I feel like every sexual
experience I had was mostly coerced or very unintentional.
I don't think I was grown up enough to give consent.
Like enthusiastically. I think all the times I ever
accepted to have sex was because either I had a boyfriend and
that's what you do when you have a boyfriend or I don't know
because any I didn't know what I was doing.
I can't say I was actively participating in the sex.
And after I went past 25 years old, I started having more
conscious sex, like more intentional sex.
But even then, my confidence wasn't always up there.
Like I wasn't always able to say no confidently.
And I would still sometimes fall for coercion or sometimes I'd
find myself in situations with people who I knew for sure
didn't like me, but I still gave myself to them.
Because around this time was when I started exploring like
why I get these feelings of unworthiness.
So like every time I have sex, I feel like myself esteem goes
down. I was wondering like, what is
it? Where does this feelings stem
from? So other than other reasons that
I I wouldn't discuss today, I figured out that I wasn't in
situations that were fully consensual like Siku Kwana
Japan, Niki taka niliku energy particle situations.
In it, Xenani forced me have sex and it made me have to cut back
on a lot of these situations, a lot of these people, a lot of
anything that gave me the feeling that I wasn't supposed
to be here and I did not want to have sex with this person.
You know, when you start figuring out new things about
yourself, you kind of start grieving your old self because
you start feeling a lot of shame.
OK, I started feeling a lot of shame and guilt for a lot of the
things that I let happen to me, let in quotes happened to me or
I allowed for. But along the way, I started
learning how to forgive myself and how to start over afresh as
many times as I can. Because or any learning process,
to be honest. If you don't even know you're
being coerced or if you don't know how important consent is to
you, it's kind of difficult to know what to look out for or
what to ask for. So something that I always
noticed was anytime I had a like when I was in love with someone,
when I was into someone, the sex was kind of I was I was actively
participating. I loved it.
But when we'd break up and then we'd start with like Illustexia
to Mechanas to know you're to cocoa Limboya before you move on
to the next person or whatever you decide next.
The sex doesn't hit the same as like when there's an emotional
connection and when you're in love.
OK, I'm speaking for myself. I'm just speaking about it in
third person so that it's not a me, me, me, me, me kind of
conversation so that so that you can feel in as a listener.
So this is what prompted me to start doing investigations on
myself sexually to understand like where all these feelings
come from. You know, I do a lot of
introspection and I love to ask myself a lot of questions,
especially about how I feel about experiences after
experiences or how someone made me feel.
And I realized like, other than the lack of an emotional
connection 100% into it. And did you know your body is to
tell you when you're not feeling the sex?
I was having this conversation with my friend a few months ago
and she was telling me about how she went back to her ex as well.
And they had some actually podcasters.
You tell them a story. And then one day you Najisia
took a story. A friend of mine, that's what
you signed up for When you decide to be friends with a
podcaster, Of course, all anonymity is preserved.
So my friend was, was telling me, you know, she, she had sex
with this guy but she felt so, so much pain.
And this is someone she was dating for a while.
But this time the sex was just different.
It was so painful. She was unable to like enjoy, it
was quite too different. She thought she had a problem
with herself. So immediately she booked an
appointment with the gyna and she went in and got checked and
everything was fine. But later on she had sex with
someone else that she she liked and someone that she she was now
very interested in. And the sex was amazing.
And this new guy was bigger than the last.
OK, not I don't know. I don't know.
Let me not see that information. So you know, we we were talking
about it and I found some similarities with my stories
because such things have happened to me and I didn't
believe it until I had sex also and it was with someone from my
past and the sex was so fucking painful.
It was just it was a natural. I was horny and I decided, ah,
whatever, let him just give me the Dick.
No strings attached to nothing. It's just for fun.
And the sex was so unbearable. I barely enjoyed it.
It was painful. It was I had to concentrate so
much to come like it was taking a lot of my energy to even want
to participate in the sex because I was spending time
running away from that Dick every singles.
What is it really called jungle. And months before this guy I had
had sex with someone was way bigger, like way, way, way, way.
And because I really, really was into that guy, like I really
liked him. I was very emotionally attached
and the sex was amazing. It was the best sex I ever had.
So now we're just comparing notes like okay, to win the
Quagaina hakuna anything in an indicator to Konashida internal.
So how come when we're having sex with guys, we like this
experience is so different from someone who like you're not into
like you you you're forced to settle because of circumstances.
You're not 100% into it either. You've had the sex because the
Dick is there or any hakuna connection.
So we're discussing and then it, it, it was kind of a like Eureka
moment, like, Oh my God. So this is what is happening.
And I started to do my research on can your body be rejecting a
partner? And yes, your body, because
you're an animal, of course you have the normal responses to
trauma such as fight, flight or freeze and Kitambo.
Like now when I was below 25 when a man would beg and beg and
beg and coerce me and say, you know, and beg, let's just go
home and just go home. Me go home and you say no so
many times to the point that you're unable to keep saying no.
I would fall into this situation where I just freeze and I think
this still happens to me. That's why I had to decide to
stop having sex with people I'm not emotionally attached to,
people I have no connections with, and I just freeze.
Yanni, I freeze in bed. I'm unable to move Niki for
Chamande, I'm unable to do anything.
I, I, I, I'm not sure any I'm not.
But when it's someone I love, there's so much enthusiasm, like
I'm actively participating. I'm kissing them, touching them,
loving on them, speaking to them.
I'm so into the sex. But when it's not like that,
it's not a situation that makes me feel safe.
I just freeze. And it's kind of like I let
them, I let them or they just take charge of the situation and
kind of have their way with me. It's not a nice feeling because
afterwards you start over thinking like why would why
didn't I move? Will he think I'm bad at sex?
Why was I and why was I so scared?
Why was I so anxious? What's wrong?
What's what was happening you blah blah blah.
All these questions and I realized, oh man, this is my
body's language in a way to read if I'm giving 100% consent and I
did not know. So I realized that for me to
have a fulfilling sexual experience, I have to have
feelings of being seen and feelings of being sure that I
want to be there 100%. There's No 2% chance that I'm
not sure I have to 100% to be there.
Sometimes this fight or flight being activated is caused by
stress when you think about sex or feelings of, you know, fear
that it'll be unsatisfactory. And this is a direction
correlation to you not having orgasms, you not having
satisfying sex. And that's why Munas Kangama de
Mara mob wanna wanna Shindo communicate during sex.
And then they end up faking the sex like with the leg shakes and
the loud moons and the the shaking.
However way women like to pretend they're coming just so
that you can finish and get off of her.
And we need to get to a point where we're not doing this
anymore because sex has to be enjoyable for everyone.
It has to be enjoyable for the women as well.
Sex shouldn't feel like something that's being done to
us, rather something that like we're doing together, something
we want to do and the feelings of safety and comfort really
chunky a lot in giving you Peace of Mind for you to be able to
achieve orgasms. So when your body is rejecting
the wrong partner, I say the wrong partner to mean that this
person could be actually a good person.
It doesn't have to be at it. They're not a good person.
They could be a model person that you want to have sex with.
But for as long as your body is giving you signals that maybe
you don't feel safe enough, Amma, you're not supposed to be
here. Amma, you're not 100% sure about
the sex because you have anxiety all of a sudden or you just feel
something is wrong. It's so important that you're
able to listen to yourself. Proving the communication
between your body and your mind will improve the way you read
your intuition. It will improve the way you read
such signals. And instead of ignoring, you're
going to be much more conscious about your sexual partner for
you so that you are able to enjoy a better sexual
relationship. So if you've ever been in a
situation where you're feeling like you're not sure you're not
100%, please listen to your body.
Do not betray yourself. Sometimes even sometimes I I
truly believe as a spiritual person, I truly believe your
body can even notice if let's say the other person is trying
to give you an STD and you you feel something you feel this
person is not being 100. But if you ignore and if you
just move past it and say, oh, it's OK.
And sometimes it's not an STD. These people, some people have
fungus all over their balls, all over their vagina.
Some people have STI's, infections all around their ass,
all around their pubic area. And they do not know because
they do not check. They they just scratch their
skin. But they, they, they've never
got screened, they've never got tested.
So imagine your body is sounding all these alarms, all these red
flags and you're just ignoring. Sometimes your vagina will just
close up and refuse to accommodate him and or sometimes
when he's inside you it's so painful.
Or sometimes you don't get wet at all.
Or sometimes as a man, you don't get hard, you're struggling.
Like usually it's so easy for you, but in this moment you're
really, really struggling. I know there can be other
factors that are external, but within this sexual relationship
that you're in with your partner, you guys should be able
to have the conversation that allows for the both of you to
feel safe enough. Also so that the other person
does not feel rejected sexually. Sometimes you just you're sick,
sometimes you have a headache, sometimes you're not, you're not
horny and your partner is horny. So if you're rejecting them
without even realizing that you're doing it, it can make
your sexual partner feel rejected.
And maybe they're really, really in the mood.
And then you see it puts it puts them in a situation where they
they start feeling like now they have to coerce you for sex.
First of all, no one should coerce anyone for sex.
But, you know, I mean, like, they, they feel like they're
sending out their advances and you're not communicating, you're
not being able to tell them the truth about how you feel.
That's why having such conversations is very important
so that even discussions like sexual rejection and how to
handle it can be brought about. It's important for you and your
sexual partner to be able to listen to each other, to be open
to discussion. Remember, no coercion, no guilt
chipping at the where we Kim zimo mekata kulala namimi.
No, you're supposed to be very, very willing to listen, willing
to be patient and kind. Because sex is actually such a
big issue. One wrong move and it can be
termed as rape. Forcing someone to have sex with
you, even yes, even if they're your wife, your husband, even if
you've been having sex every day for 20 years and today they say
no. Even if they're naked on top of
you and they have not given a resounding yes and 100% yes and
sometimes yes doesn't have to be words.
It can just see their body language, how they're acting
around you. That's why you should be able to
read cues saying, you know, she come to Nana Tanmuli Amma.
They're turning their body away from you.
They don't want you to touch them.
They don't want you to kiss them.
Do not force, do not insist. You need to be very very aware
to make sure that your partner wants you 100% for the sex to be
amazing for the both of you to be able to enjoy it, rather than
one person feeling like it was taken from them and the other
person feeling like they had to beg or coerce or or negotiate to
have sex. Sex is supposed to be free,
willing, open and a discussion before it is hard.
Personally I find it very very attractive when people ask me
for consent. Can I kiss you?
Can I touch you, Can I hold your hand?
Can I hug you? Can I eat you out?
Can I fuck you? Can I?
The last time I had sex, this guy we had, we did foreplay for
hours, hours and it reached a point he said I'm not putting my
Dick inside you until you beg me until you ask me for it.
Such things just really turn me on because it's like he's trying
to make sure he may figure point.
I need to be for me to even want him.
Like he needs to be 100% sure my body wants him.
Not just my mouth saying yes, it's my body showing all the
signs that I'm safe, I'm comfortable and I want him.
I've also had sex with people who they totally ignored that I
was saying no. They totally ignored that I was
not comfortable. They totally ignored that my
body was frozen and I was just sitting there unable to respond
because they coerced me at night.
You feel so much fear when someone has coerced you into
sex. It doesn't matter how old you
are because you know, especially with men, the option of being an
alive is always there. So it's scary and you it's, it's
just a lot to take in. So please, for you to improve
your sexual relationship, just ensure that you allow for your
body and your mind to coexist so that they can make decisions
together. Apply your intuition, allow your
body to tell you how it feels about this person that you're
about to have sex with or this environment that you're about to
go hang out in or just anything pertaining to anything that you
intend to do. Take care of your body, take
care of yourself because this overall is is going to be
reflected by the kind of sex you have.
If you're taking care of yourself, your body,
spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, and
I mean by using condoms always, it's always going to reflect in
the kind of sexual life you're going to have sexual hygiene in
a in a involve all these things. So please take care of yourself
and love yourself and be kind to yourself and use condoms to
rules.