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Hi guys. 
Welcome back to Unbothered. 

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Today we have. 
Kasi West. 

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I'm an author but also a podcast
host I guess. 

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Maybe just somebody that talks 
shit on social media, TikTok, 

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Instagram, YouTube. 
I've seen it's like 7 of your 

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tik toks that have snapped me 
out of whatever mood I was in 

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and I was like you know what I 
like her. 

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I'm going to DM her and see 
what. 

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She wants. 
That's so funny. 

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Do you know which ones? 
No, not off the top of my head, 

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but definitely like things I 
needed here in the moment. 

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And I'm like, I hope this is 
what I'm doing for other people 

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because this is working for me. 
I love that. 

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Yeah, that's amazing. 
So I'm happy to have you here. 

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I'm happy to be here. 
Yeah, I feel like we have the 

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same kind of messages. 
Yeah. 

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So today I thought we could talk
about not settling. 

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Yeah, in relationships, 
specifically with men. 

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Yeah, specifically with men. 
And choosing yourself instead. 

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I mean, it's like, The thing is 
like you have one life. 

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You can't settle for someone 
that's making you unhappy. 

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It's just like you get so 
comfortable with people that you

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forget that every single year 
that you're with this person not

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being happy is 1 less year that 
you have to go have fun and make

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memories, be happy, spend time 
with your friends. 

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There's so much life to live, 
and then you just get sucked 

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into this world with one person 
that you're comfortable with 

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where you're not actually really
happy. 

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You're comparing the feeling of 
comfort with the feeling of loss

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that you know you're going to 
have, and you just can't see 

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past that withdrawal from that 
person to get out of it. 

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So then you end up settling. 
It's just like the easiest thing

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to do in the world. 
It is so easy. 

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One thing that I recently 
learned is loss aversion. 

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So what is it? 
Loss aversion? 

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So it's literally what you just 
said. 

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Like we're averse to wanting to 
feel the loss. 

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And someone was like, OK, well, 
why don't you start calculating 

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and adding up all the things 
you're losing by staying with 

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them? 
So you can look at what is 

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actually the bigger loss here. 
Because it is more than likely a

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way more of a loss when it comes
to everything else in your life 

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that you're foregoing to stay in
this like little bubble of 

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comfort, which probably is 
uncomfortable if you're being 

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honest with yourself. 
I'm missing out on fulfilling 

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friendships, other parts of my 
life hobby is someone that can 

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actually make me really truly 
happy and treat me right. 

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All for the fear of losing this 
like OK situation. 

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OK, I. 
Yeah. 

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Yeah, no, that's definitely what
happens every time. 

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I think something that snapped 
me out of it at one point was I 

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started writing down on like a 
calendar like every single day 

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that I wasn't actually really 
happy. 

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And you're just like, Oh my God,
if it's been this many days this

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month, then just multiply that 
by 12. 

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That's how long it's going to be
for a year. 

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And it's just going to be the 
majority. 

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That's just going to be your 
whole life. 

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That's going to change. 
Great. 

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Tip. 
And it gets, it's like, 

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horrifying. 
I think girls should go out and 

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get like an actual like paper 
planner and just start. 

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Just start. 
Unhappy, unhappy. 

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Just sad faces. 
Yeah. 

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Yeah. 
No, because it's so easy to 

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compartmentalize or have like a 
dissonance from what's actually 

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going on because you just don't 
want to believe it so you can 

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stay in your little bubble of 
familiarity. 

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Yeah, yeah. 
And then another huge thing I 

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learned in going through a 
breakup this time, because every

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single time I'm experiencing an 
emotion that I don't like, I 

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immediately look up what is the 
psychology behind this? 

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Because if I can understand the 
psychology, then I don't really 

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need to fully experience it. 
I could, you know, see it from 

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the outside. 
So I knew that I needed to leave

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my relationship. 
I knew it was logically the 

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right thing to do and even 
though I it's what I really 

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wanted to do and I thought about
it every single day for like a 

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month and I was like yes, like I
need to leave and I'm angry and 

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I'm so ready to leave this 
relationship. 

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Once I did, I still was crying 
and all upset, and I was so 

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shocked at how upset I was. 
There's just two parts of your 

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brain. 
The survival part of your brain 

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just wants you to stay with 
whoever you've been sleeping 

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with or whoever you're 
comfortable with because it 

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thinks that you're in the 
wilderness and that you need a 

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tribe. 
You need people around you to 

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keep you safe. 
Like we're social creatures. 

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We're just built that way. 
So it does not care if this 

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person is not good for you. 
You're going to feel like you're

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not going to make it like you 
feel like you're not going to 

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survive survive without this 
person just because that's how 

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our brains are set up, even 
though the logical part is 

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telling you this is not right. 
Yeah, and grieving is normal 

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too, yeah. 
Yeah. 

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And then you have withdrawal 
from the person. 

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Oh, my God, yeah. 
I did a whole episode on, like, 

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the science of a breakup and 
what happens in your brain 

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directly because you're 
literally addicted to somebody. 

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Like, it's the same as someone 
who's addicted to substances. 

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You're in this dopamine loop, 
and then you get out of it and 

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you're like, Oh my God, I've 
lost like, the one thing that 

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makes me feel OK. 
What do you think about being in

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a longer term relationship and 
getting out of it and then kind 

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of feeling, of course it comes 
in waves, but more at peace with

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it than if you were in like a 
year long relationship. 

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You're saying like you are more 
comfortable being alone after 

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being in a long relationship 
than a short 1. 

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Yeah, I think like, I had this 
fear that if I had been dating 

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someone for so long that when I 
left them, I was going to be, 

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like, debilitated. 
And I think that instead I was 

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actually more liberated. 
Yeah, in a weird way. 

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But I think it's almost because 
you're with them for so long 

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that you've you've really tried,
like, everything you can 

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possibly fucking try, and you've
exhausted all of it. 

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So you're like, all right, 
That's a wrap on that. 

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Exactly. 
Like, especially six years. 

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Eight years, you probably have 
tried everything you could 

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possibly try three times like or
more for each thing. 

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Yeah, like, yeah. 
And so, you know, you're done 

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when you're done. 
And I think that's it's so much 

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easier to deal with because 
anytime you have that little 

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thought of, well, maybe it's 
like, no, like there's literally

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nothing more that can be done. 
I can't do anything else. 

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And it's awful. 
I think women are the ones that 

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are always in the position where
they're trying everything under 

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the sun to make it work with a 
man who's really barely doing 

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anything like it, really doing 
the bare minimum. 

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I think a lot of times. 
And a woman is just so willing 

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to do everything in their power 
for a decade or maybe decades 

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just to try and make it work, 
but usually because the man is 

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telling them that they are going
to change. 

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And at this point, I genuinely 
don't think a man will ever 

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change. 
No, I, I think it's hard for 

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people to change in general, but
like they, they don't have much 

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desire to usually at the same 
time, it's like, it's really 

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sad, but it's also nice to look 
back and, and have the closure 

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that you can give yourself where
you're like, I did try 

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everything. 
That's my own personal thing. 

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Like, I will exhaust it, which 
I, I don't think I'll do moving 

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forward, but like I used to 
exhaust it because then I was 

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like, well, I tried everything. 
It still didn't work. 

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So what else could I have done? 
It's also always when men come 

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right back around, like when you
actually try everything, they 

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don't give a fuck. 
And then you walk away. 

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They're like, oh, wait, Yep. 
And you're like. 

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But then that doesn't help 
because you walk away, you break

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up for like a week and then you 
get back together. 

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Because then they're acting like
they have the loss. 

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They can't handle it. 
They don't know how to process 

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their emotions. 
They come back, they change for 

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a little bit, and then it goes 
right back to normal. 

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There's another year of your 
life. 

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Yes, every time. 
It, yeah. 

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And it's up to you to be like, 
you know what, I'm actually not 

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going to settle for this anymore
because what are you even 

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getting out of it at that point?
Just maintaining the addiction 

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to that person, yeah, not having
to basically go to rehab and get

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rid of them. 
Rehab, yeah. 

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Yeah, there, there should be 
relationship rehab that we 

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should start a relationship. 
Rehab right, that's we'll. 

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Have to check in podcast, they 
have to check in and it'll be 

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very psychologically based. 
They're not allowed to talk to 

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that person until like actual 
withdrawal has subsided. 

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And then they'll come out and 
they'll be like, Oh my God, who?

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Like who was I with who? 
I don't even care. 

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What's about this guy? 
OK, we need to do like a girls 

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trip where we we go. 
For I'm doing girls trips all 

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the time. 
Let's go. 

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That was my original plan when I
I started doing like trips and 

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stuff. 
I was going to do a whole thing 

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of like having girls that are 
following me come on these trips

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and it's kind of like helping 
them get over the breakup. 

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I did like a trial run of it, 
but it was with girls that I 

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kind of already knew and so much
drama in the suit. 

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It was insane that then it 
became like a little like little

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reality show thing. 
And then that went pretty viral.

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And I thought about doing a 
reality show and I actually had 

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a whole that's a story for 
another time. 

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But. 
But yeah, I've still yet to 

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actually try the whole to do it,
to do the vacation thing, have 

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girls get out of their breakups.
But that would be fun. 

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That would be fun, yeah. 
I went to a women's retreat. 

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I wasn't going through a 
breakup, but a lot of the women 

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there were. 
I went to one in Bali. 

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They're going through like 
divorces or burnout or grief. 

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One of the three. 
And they were. 

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They came out of it like 
glowing. 

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Maybe we all need to just ship 
ourselves off. 

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I mean, that's literally that's 
the solution to all my problems 

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every time I get on a flight. 
I don't care. 

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I don't care if anyone says it 
doesn't solve your problems, I 

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think it does. 
I think meditation and a 

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vacation is all you need. 
I mean, I think like exposing 

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yourself to new scenarios. 
Yeah, you just get out of your 

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world and just get a new 
perspective on things. 

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Just get away from everything 
about them, and it's so much 

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easier to forget about them. 
But if you're in the same exact 

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house, seeing the same exact 
people doing the same exact 

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thing, your routine involves 
them still so much. 

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Everything's gonna remind you of
them. 

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But if you just completely reset
you, it's just so much easier to

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get a new version or a new, 
like, vision of a version of 

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your life. 
Yeah, without them it's just so 

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much faster. 
I agree, leave the city as long 

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as you're doing like some of the
work. 

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Yeah, that's what I say in 
meditation. 

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Like I joke, but I do meditate. 
Like that got me through 

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everything. 
I know that if I wasn't the type

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of person that meditates every 
single day for like 20 minutes 

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an hour a day, then there's no 
way. 

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Like because everyone was so 
shocked. 

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They were like, wait, what do 
you mean you just left your 

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husband? 
Like you're fine. 

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I'm like, yeah, no, I'm great. 
Like I I had a day, but then I 

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looked up the psychology behind 
why I was crying and then that 

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was it and did a few videos 
about it and I'm in Paris and 

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then then then Visa then LA. 
Like I'm chilling and. 

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Why are we the same? 
Really. 

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Like, let me intellectualize my 
pain really quick, yeah. 

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And then go have fun. 
That's so funny. 

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So there's relationships like 
that that we stay in, and then 

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there's relationships where it's
like everything's OK. 

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It's just so great. 
And that's a lot of settling 

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too. 
I don't think I've really 

226
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,800
experienced that type of 
relationship myself. 

227
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:02,320
Have you? 
No, it's either been just, it's 

228
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,200
just awful, I guess. 
No, it's not awful. 

229
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,440
It's just like they'll be things
that I never have a boring 

230
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:10,560
relationship. 
I guess. 

231
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,600
It's not like, oh, things are 
things are OK. 

232
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,120
I'm just settling to be in it 
because I'm not the person that 

233
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,040
just wants a relationship. 
I never did. 

234
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,000
I'm always the one who's happy 
being single. 

235
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,920
And then, you know, they just 
want to just destroy that. 

236
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,480
They just want to destroy every 
little bit of independence and 

237
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,440
happiness that you have by 
coming into your life. 

238
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:34,760
So it was never really that it's
more of just things are really 

239
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:38,400
good except this 10% of the time
when things are bad. 

240
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,280
But then when things are bad, 
that 10% of the time it just 

241
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:45,360
ruins the good stuff. 
Like the good stuff just isn't 

242
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:49,960
as good as it could be because 
you kind of resent them for that

243
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,440
10%. 
I think that's a huge sign that 

244
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,520
you're settling when the highs 
are really high and the lows are

245
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:55,880
really low. 
Or you're saying, well, like 

246
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:57,360
just the other day they were 
really nice. 

247
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,440
Yeah, they did this. 
So that's not that bad when 

248
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:04,000
you're starting to justify the 
bad with the good that you get 

249
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,640
like half the time or. 
Yeah. 

250
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:09,000
Less than 100% of the time 
you're settling. 

251
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:14,440
Sorry, getting a heck out. 
But yeah, that's I think been a 

252
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:18,960
huge thing for me where they act
like boyfriend of the year for 

253
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:23,360
three to six months and then 
slowly kind of worsen and you 

254
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,160
stick it through because you're 
like, well, we can get back to 

255
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,920
that. 
It's always, yeah, that's that's

256
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,000
a really big point because 
especially you mean like the 

257
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:36,560
beginning stages, the first? 
Yeah, the first week to six 

258
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:37,520
months. 
Yeah. 

259
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:42,760
They put on this front of who 
they are, and you just assume 

260
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:47,240
that this is who this man is. 
This man is good to me and he 

261
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:50,280
makes me happy and he's fun and 
he's emotionally intelligent. 

262
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,160
And then little things start to 
happen that you make excuses 

263
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:57,360
for, like they made a mistake or
they're not really like this 

264
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,760
because I know who they really 
are. 

265
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,400
This is the person that they 
were in the beginning. 

266
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,000
And like you said, oh, we'll get
back to that. 

267
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,520
There was no back to that. 
They, their mask is slipping 

268
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,440
now. 
You know they can only hold it 

269
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,400
up for so long. 
Yeah, that's especially true 

270
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,720
with narcissists and abusers. 
The mask thing, My therapist 

271
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:17,200
said three to six months the 
most, the longest that someone 

272
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,800
who has narcissistic personality
disorder or like a lot of those 

273
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,360
traits can. 
Yeah, six months. 

274
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,760
You have to be talented. 
Oh my God, yeah. 

275
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:28,760
I'm starting to realize that's 
so much with guys and I think my

276
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:34,440
tolerance is so low at this 
point that the second someone 

277
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:39,120
seems a little bit narcissistic,
like hell no, I can't. 

278
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,560
Like it's just, it becomes so 
obvious. 

279
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,480
And I think, I mean, it's good 
this type of content, I think 

280
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:49,400
because you get to not only hear
someone give examples of 

281
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:54,600
textbook narcissism or abuse, 
but then you see the comment 

282
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:58,640
section filled with other women 
that say, yeah, this exact thing

283
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,920
happened to me. 
So then you realize it's not 

284
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,800
just this one thing that this 
guy is doing to you. 

285
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:08,480
It's textbook behavior. 
I didn't know my like, abusive 

286
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,280
relationship that I was in. 
I had no idea. 

287
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,920
Like I wasn't, I'm not a, you 
know, psychologist, so I didn't 

288
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:17,160
know exact behavior that is 
abusive. 

289
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,880
I didn't know the exact signs. 
But it's almost always the exact

290
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:23,040
same thing. 
So then when you hear people 

291
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,120
talking about it, you're like, 
Oh my God. 

292
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,840
It's not that he made a mistake.
He's a narcissist. 

293
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,920
I also think that if there's 
someone who's looking up and 

294
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,200
listening to this kind of 
content or you're us who's 

295
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,600
making those kind of content, 
you're interested in psychology.

296
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:40,040
You think that, you know, or 
you're like, no, my intuition 

297
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,120
would tell me. 
Meanwhile, you're literally 

298
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,680
experiencing cognitive 
dissonance and you're in it. 

299
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:48,560
Yeah, so that's scary too, where
you're like, I'm emotionally 

300
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,200
intelligent. 
Like I would know if I was with 

301
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,000
an abuser. 
And everyone's around you like 

302
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,840
you're with an abuser, babe. 
You're like, no. 

303
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,960
Yeah, and a lot of times your 
friends won't even like say 

304
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,440
anything because especially if 
you're not saying anything about

305
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,040
it, they're not going to be 
like, yeah, he's actually an 

306
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,560
asshole. 
Yeah, they're not going to say 

307
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,800
that to you, especially when 
you're like a tough person. 

308
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,920
And then when you get out of it,
and then everyone's like, yeah, 

309
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,720
he's, he's a Dick. 
Yeah, and not all of my 

310
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,320
relationships were. 
I've had great boyfriends. 

311
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,920
They just started becoming. 
Very selfish. 

312
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:21,640
Interesting. 
Like how? 

313
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,600
Like, important situations would
come up where I would need them 

314
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,760
to show up for me and they 
wouldn't. 

315
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:30,920
And so then I'd be like, OK, Or 
they would start to an argument,

316
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:32,760
speak to me in a way that they 
never would before, and I'll 

317
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,680
call them out on that and be 
like, why are you talking to me 

318
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,320
like that? 
Yeah, sorry, you know, like I 

319
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:41,080
just I got really heated. 
I'll work on it goes to therapy 

320
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,800
and is better for like a month 
or two and it happens again and 

321
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,200
it's just kind of like I don't 
think that that's a full blown 

322
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,560
narcissist because I've been 
with a full blown narcissist and

323
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,480
much worse and like horrifying 
to. 

324
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,280
Experience, yeah. 
But it's that's a form of 

325
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:58,840
settling absolutely. 
And I think that it also is so 

326
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,440
detrimental to yourself esteem 
that you start to think 

327
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,200
something is wrong with me 
because he used to treat me 

328
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:08,160
great and now he doesn't, he's 
falling out of love with me or 

329
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,520
he doesn't care about me 
anymore. 

330
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,760
Like what am I doing wrong? 
And so then you spend all of 

331
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:17,520
your time trying to be enough 
for someone when the reality is 

332
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,040
that they're just not enough for
you, and they probably know 

333
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,080
that. 
Yeah, 100%. 

334
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,600
And at some point, you have to 
walk away. 

335
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,640
And I think the thing that I've 
learned the most from 

336
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,640
relationships ending is like, I 
just wasted too much time on 

337
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,160
them. 
Because the right thing is not 

338
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:38,400
going to make you feel drained, 
like you're not enough, you're 

339
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,400
not going to feel like shit all 
of the time, or you're not going

340
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,880
to have this gut feeling that 
something just isn't right or 

341
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:45,000
they're just not your person. 
For those of you who are in 

342
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,080
relationships that are OK but 
not great. 

343
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,880
It's always right, like your gut
feeling is always right. 

344
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:54,560
Mine just, it just takes too 
long sometimes to listen to it. 

345
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,640
Like you're just, you're not 
always going to be ready to 

346
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,960
listen to it. 
And I think that's fine. 

347
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:02,600
I think sometimes a relationship
does just have to run its course

348
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:07,880
and there's a fine line between 
not settling but also not 

349
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,880
pressuring yourself. 
Like anytime I would have 

350
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,440
issues, I remember my mom would 
always be like, there's no gun 

351
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,800
to your head to make a decision.
And it that's a better way to 

352
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:21,240
look at it than trying to force.
Like sometimes you do need a 

353
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,520
time limit. 
Like I gave myself an age. 

354
00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:28,560
I'm not exposing my age right 
now, but I gave myself an age 

355
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:33,000
that I was like, OK, I've been 
not listening to my gut. 

356
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:39,840
I've been giving chances, but 
this is the age that I am going 

357
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:43,280
to be done. 
And if he can't make things 

358
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:47,920
perfect or at least just make me
like just stop doing the things 

359
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:51,080
that I'm asking him not to do 
anymore by that age, then that's

360
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,800
it. 
Because that's the oldest I feel

361
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:56,080
comfortable being going back 
into the market, going back into

362
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:59,120
the dating scene after that. 
I'm not doing it like I'm not 

363
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:02,880
going to be past that age and 
then be divorced. 

364
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:05,280
It's not happening. 
I think that's a scary reality. 

365
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:09,440
And then once you put that time 
limit on it, and even when you 

366
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,520
tell them, OK, this is my time 
limit, even if it's two years 

367
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:16,280
down the line and it gets to 
that time and they don't make 

368
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,200
those changes when they knew 
they were supposed to and that 

369
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,400
was the time that you were going
to leave. 

370
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,080
It's like you just have to at 
that point. 

371
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:26,120
And then that becomes the last 
straw, like you knew this was, 

372
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,920
it's like my time limit, and 
you're still not changing. 

373
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,560
So clearly you just don't care. 
Exactly. 

374
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,240
And like, how many times do you 
really want to have to ask 

375
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,280
somebody? 
You know, I don't want to be 

376
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,440
with somebody that I have to 
constantly like, berate to just 

377
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,080
be good to me. 
It's exhausting, it's draining, 

378
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,920
it's sad. 
It's just, it's insane that so 

379
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:48,280
many people experience this. 
And I'm going to say people, but

380
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:49,760
like, I really feel like it's 
women. 

381
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,360
Sorry. 
I don't hear men complaining 

382
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,280
that, oh, my girl used to be so 
nice to me and now she treats me

383
00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:00,640
like shit and she's going and 
like trying to fuck other guys 

384
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,320
or like, I'm sorry, that's not 
just generally not what's going 

385
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,280
on. 
It's just kind of always men not

386
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,560
being emotionally intelligent 
enough to maintain a 

387
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,040
relationship. 
But in terms. 

388
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,880
OK, So what I was saying about 
the the fine line between, you 

389
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,800
know, not wanting to settle but 
not putting too much pressure on

390
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,160
yourself. 
The other thing is you can't 

391
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,280
just assume that there's going 
to be this perfect man out 

392
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,760
there. 
I genuinely don't think that 

393
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,960
there's a perfect man. 
I think you're always going to 

394
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,560
have to. 
There's something like you might

395
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,880
need to be settling on, but I 
think what it's about is just 

396
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,240
not settling being unhappy. 
But it shouldn't be that you're 

397
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,840
going to get out of the 
relationship with them and then 

398
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,680
go looking for someone else to 
make you happy. 

399
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,520
It's you have to be making 
yourself happy all the time. 

400
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:47,640
And if they're preventing you 
from making yourself happy, then

401
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,640
you're settling. 
But then get out of that, 

402
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:53,080
assuming you're going to be 
happy now, on your own, without 

403
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,280
anyone and without expecting 
anyone to be perfect and make 

404
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,240
you happy. 
Yeah, you have to, which I think

405
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,960
is something that like was 
harder for me to wrap my head 

406
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,520
around at first because you have
to accept the loss of like a 

407
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,200
life with somebody and moving 
into a life alone, which is 

408
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,440
scary when you, if you've been 
doing it for a long time 

409
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,680
especially. 
Yeah, but it also is so 

410
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,440
rewarding once you get over the 
hump because. 

411
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,080
You get. 
Yourself esteem back. 

412
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,160
I I forgot what it was like to 
have self esteem. 

413
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,200
I woke up and I was like, Oh my 
God. 

414
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,680
I remembered my worth. 
Holy shit. 

415
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,280
Thank God. 
Yeah, My mom's so happy. 

416
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,520
My friends are like hello, 
welcome back. 

417
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,200
Literally same. 
I would much rather be happy 

418
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:33,120
alone than ever feel that 
drained with somebody ever 

419
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:36,440
again. 
There's no build a man factory. 

420
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,480
I can't make my perfect man 
unfortunately there. 

421
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:40,480
Should be one. 
OK, that's my second. 

422
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:41,720
Project. 
Can we make that one? 

423
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:45,040
Yeah, I know that there is 
someone out there who will 

424
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,120
recognize my worth from the get 
go and won't make me question it

425
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:51,800
again the very least. 
Yeah, I guess my thing is like, 

426
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:58,360
I hate even thinking that 
because I just, I hate like, you

427
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,640
know, when you just end up 
romanticizing someone because 

428
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,480
you believe that there's a 
person out there. 

429
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,200
So then you meet someone, you're
like, yeah, well, I believe that

430
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,240
there is someone and then this 
one's the one. 

431
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,600
And then you waste another 
fucking decade of your life. 

432
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:14,240
So in my mind, like the way I 
always go about it is I don't 

433
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,360
care. 
Like I'll be alone forever. 

434
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,120
And I've said this to every man 
I've ever been with. 

435
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,240
Like, oh, you expect, you know, 
this and that and you're so 

436
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,320
you're going to be single 
forever. 

437
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,280
I was like, fucking good, get 
out of my house. 

438
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,200
Get out of my house. 
Like get out, leave me alone. 

439
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:32,400
Like I'm perfectly happy being 
alone. 

440
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:37,120
So I think men genuinely think 
that women like toxicity and 

441
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:41,840
that they're only attracted to 
you if they do something to piss

442
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,680
you off. 
Some do, some do. 

443
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:47,080
I did an episode called, like, 
in the Mind of a Fuck Boy or 

444
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,440
something, and we brought on 
this guy, Marco, and he was on 

445
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,040
Fuck Boy Island. 
And he was like, yeah, 

446
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,320
sometimes. 
Or wasn't Marco. 

447
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,480
I don't know if someone said to 
me once you have to be careful, 

448
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,520
you can't be too nice to women 
because then they're not 

449
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,720
attracted to you anymore. 
And I was like, what world do 

450
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,680
you live on? 
And I'm sure there are some 

451
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:06,160
women who like do crave the 
toxicity or whatever, but I 

452
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,120
truly want a nice man. 
Yeah. 

453
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,840
Yeah, there's a nice man. 
There's a difference between 

454
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:16,040
being nice and having no game. 
You can be nice and the reason 

455
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,560
that you're being nice is 
because you're just fawning all 

456
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:24,000
over them and you have no self 
worth or confidence. 

457
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,560
So that and you're just 
desperately trying for this 

458
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,240
person. 
So you're nice. 

459
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,000
But as soon as that person, like
as soon as that girl isn't nice,

460
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,880
back to them, they're an asshole
because they're like, I'm so 

461
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,480
nice to you and you're just like
not putting out. 

462
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,200
You're a prick. 
You're like that and that's 

463
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,040
different. 
That's. 

464
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:45,400
Different than being someone 
who's extremely confident and 

465
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,360
knows that they can have 
whatever they want, but they're 

466
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:52,760
still treating you like goddess,
treating you like little Angel. 

467
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,880
That's hot. 
It's so hot when I think about 

468
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,280
like the hottest dating 
experience I've ever had. 

469
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,920
He was confident, he opened 
every door for me. 

470
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:06,040
He was very sweet, was 
consistent, called when he said 

471
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,400
he was going to call, checked 
in, helped me put on my fucking 

472
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,600
high heel strap like on the 
floor. 

473
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,280
I was like, oh. 
Yeah, like this? 

474
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,560
Yeah. 
You know, get picking up the 

475
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,000
check without even letting me 
see it. 

476
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:18,880
Like was a gentleman in all the 
ways. 

477
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:20,520
Yeah. 
And I was like, thank you. 

478
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,400
I thought that you didn't exist.
Like, that's hot and that is a 

479
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:25,400
nice guy. 
That's not somebody who's, like,

480
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,240
picking me up in the back of a 
fucking motorcycle. 

481
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,080
And I'm OK with that. 
That's fine. 

482
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:35,400
We can get in your little Tesla.
But like, you know, I would much

483
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,040
rather that than someone who's 
hot and cold and on and off. 

484
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:42,400
It hot and cold makes me want to
burn them in a fire. 

485
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,600
I can't. 
I can't with it either. 

486
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:48,520
It's so disgusting. 
Grow up. 

487
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,720
It is the most immature thing to
me in the world. 

488
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:52,880
I feel like they're five years 
old. 

489
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:54,520
Or just leave me alone. 
Yeah, leave me the. 

490
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:55,960
Fuck alone. 
Get out of my face. 

491
00:23:56,720 --> 00:24:01,440
What are you doing? 
Why are you all over me acting? 

492
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,000
It's all. 
It's kind of like the love 

493
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:08,920
bombing too, but I've so rarely 
dealt with hot and cold. 

494
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,000
I think I've only kind of dealt 
with it like once recently and 

495
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,320
it's so gross to me I can't. 
I almost can't even think of 

496
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,440
anything worse. 
It's just so unattractive. 

497
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:22,160
That and the attitudes. 
A man with an attitude is so 

498
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,840
ugly, I don't care. 
The sassy man epidemic I don't 

499
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,600
want the sassy man epidemic. 
Just want a sweet, sweet guy. 

500
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,280
Yeah, but I've dealt with hot 
and cold a. 

501
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:34,240
Lot really a. 
Lot and I just I think I 

502
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,560
tolerated it for too long. 
This is another thing when 

503
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,520
you're settling with somebody. 
I feel like we're mostly 

504
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,280
speaking about relationships 
that are not good. 

505
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,360
So let me just clarify here. 
When you're settling for 

506
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:46,120
somebody who is hot and cold, 
you're teaching them how to 

507
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:47,800
treat you like what you're going
to accept. 

508
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:51,120
If you're consistently letting 
them come back after treating 

509
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:53,200
you like shit, they learn. 
OK, well I can truly shit. 

510
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,680
I don't have to try. 
It's a reality, you know? 

511
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,840
And so you think you're being 
empathetic and understanding and

512
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:00,760
forgiving. 
Stop trying to see it from their

513
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,840
side and justify shit because 
all you're doing is 

514
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:08,360
deteriorating yourself worth and
teaching them to put in like the

515
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,920
bare minimum if that and get 
away with it. 

516
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:13,840
Which is just like, why are we 
doing that to ourselves, guys? 

517
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:18,040
And then you have the issue of 
when you are someone who's 

518
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,720
intelligent, emotionally 
intelligent, understands 

519
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,440
psychology, then you have 
someone treating you like that 

520
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:26,040
and you're not tolerating it. 
You're telling them exactly what

521
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:29,920
you're not going to tolerate in 
a mature way. 

522
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,360
And then they come back with a 
mature response about how 

523
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:35,840
they're not going to do it, but 
they still then do it again. 

524
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,760
Yeah. 
So it's like, too, it's like 

525
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,960
you, but they might wait long 
enough that you're so attached 

526
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,200
to them. 
And then you think, oh, well, 

527
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:48,160
they changed that little bit 
when I did come to them in a 

528
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:53,080
mature way, speaking on how I'm 
not going to tolerate that, that

529
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,600
maybe they'll be able to change 
again. 

530
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,040
And it just was this little 
mistake. 

531
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,600
So it's a trap, a trap. 
My friend Lauren was like, this 

532
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,320
is a really great exercise to 
do. 

533
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:05,520
She said, make a little T chart 
and a little thing on one side, 

534
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,320
right? 
Qualities that you want in a 

535
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:10,240
relationship. 
So let's say I want like 

536
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,600
emotional intelligence and on 
the other side, right, How it 

537
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,320
makes you feel. 
So it makes me feel heard, 

538
00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:19,320
understood, at ease and just 
keep doing that with all the 

539
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:21,440
different traits. 
And then look at the feeling 

540
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:25,160
side and ask yourself, do I feel
this way in the relationship? 

541
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:26,240
Stop. 
Like don't look at the traits 

542
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,400
because it's easy to be like no,
he's emotionally intelligent 

543
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:31,120
because he came to me and he 
used therapy speak and he 

544
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:34,280
understood. 
But are you feeling heard? 

545
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,920
Are you at ease? 
Do you feel understood without 

546
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,320
having to over explain and over 
communicate? 

547
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:42,160
The answer's no, he's not 
emotionally intelligent. 

548
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,680
He's just mirroring you to tell 
you what you want to hear. 

549
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:48,560
The mirroring is insane, but 
that but that is a really good. 

550
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:51,240
It's a great tool. 
And then that like 3 weeks ago I

551
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,320
was like, thank you Laura. 
Don't feel. 

552
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:56,640
Heard like I. 
Don't feel heard or say no. 

553
00:26:56,640 --> 00:27:00,320
Actually, that's really the 
worst when you're just doing 

554
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:04,480
everything to communicate what 
you're feeling. 

555
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:07,680
And it's just like, do you get 
that I'm a human being in a 

556
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:11,840
human experience, or are you so 
selfish and so wrapped up in 

557
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:16,920
your own world that you don't 
understand that you're wasting 

558
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,720
my life, like you're wasting my 
time here? 

559
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:21,600
Especially for a woman. 
I I think men have a really 

560
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:26,760
skewed sense of the value of 
time and youth because the older

561
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:30,000
a man gets usually, like in this
society, they become more 

562
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,600
valuable because they usually 
get more money and they become 

563
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,880
more distinguished. 
And Pepper. 

564
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,600
Yeah, you're going to, oh, 
you'll be 50 something and get a

565
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:43,040
hot 20 something year old 
because now you have any amount 

566
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,280
of money to provide to this 
girl. 

567
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,040
And I really think that that is 
in the back of their minds, and 

568
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:52,520
they don't understand that for a
woman, like, yeah, we can do 

569
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:56,840
things to keep ourselves hot, 
but it's not the same standard 

570
00:27:56,840 --> 00:28:01,080
for women in the dating world. 
We don't have the same amount of

571
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:02,600
people to choose from. 
Yeah, even. 

572
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,280
Biologically, like it's you can 
freeze your eggs and whatever. 

573
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:10,400
Else but absolutely it's like 
we're we have a clock going on 

574
00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:14,520
and if a man doesn't respect the
fact that you have a limited 

575
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:18,080
amount of time in your life if 
you want to have kids and even 

576
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:21,920
if you just want to be a young 
hot thing going out and partying

577
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:27,040
while you do actually want to 
have fun, then he's a piece of. 

578
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,400
It's just also like, I think 
it's a hard, hard, hard truth, 

579
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:33,760
but if he doesn't respect you 
enough to let you go because you

580
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,800
have a limited time and just 
wants to keep you out of the 

581
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,080
convenience and comfort of now, 
I don't think he loves you. 

582
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:39,800
I think he loves. 
Himself 100%. 

583
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:43,880
And he loves, you, know, you 
cleaning up after him and like, 

584
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:46,600
providing emotional labor and 
whatever else you're bringing to

585
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,880
the table. 
Yeah, that's something else I 

586
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:54,680
realize is like how much time 
and energy a woman puts into 

587
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,920
physical labor of being with a 
man, which is another thing you 

588
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:01,640
have to like, if you're 
wondering if you're settling, 

589
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:05,280
just think about all the hours 
in the day that you could be 

590
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:12,080
putting into your own life, like
self-care or building a business

591
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:13,680
for yourself. 
Especially if you're with 

592
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:15,920
someone you're kind of settling 
because they're paying your 

593
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:17,360
bills. 
Oh gosh. 

594
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:20,720
What are you doing for them 
while they're building their 

595
00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:23,120
business yourself? 
Because. 

596
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,680
Especially. 
Like most guys that are paying 

597
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,800
your bills and stuff, you're 
probably taking care of them 

598
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:32,000
emotionally. 
You're probably cooking and 

599
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:35,680
cleaning for them. 
It's so much time and energy 

600
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:39,480
that you could be building 
yourself. 

601
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:44,520
And I started realizing it 
because I got an assistant and I

602
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:51,840
realized she's being paid to do 
a fraction of what I do for my 

603
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:55,400
husband. 
And I'm like, OK, like, I could 

604
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,880
actually, if I really wanted to 
have a career as a personal 

605
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:02,320
assistant to someone rich, and 
at least I'd have my freedom. 

606
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:06,880
But at the same time, what are 
you even doing for me if I'm 

607
00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:09,840
actually doing labour for you 
while you've built these 

608
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,680
businesses? 
And it's just like, what? 

609
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:13,840
What am I doing? 
Yeah. 

610
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,800
Am I settling here? 
You can also be doing all that. 

611
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:17,840
And. 
Splitting 5050, that's a reality

612
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:21,640
too. 
Like half the bills doing way 

613
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:25,080
more emotional labour than he is
doing, cleaning up the house, 

614
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,160
you know, taking care of the 
kids, whatever else. 

615
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:30,080
For sure. 
Absolutely not. 

616
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:31,160
Oof. 
That's infuriating. 

617
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:32,880
I think someone has done the 
calculations. 

618
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,560
Of what a housewife and a mother
should be paid. 

619
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,800
And it was crazy. 
It was crazy. 

620
00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:40,480
It was like 250K or something 
when you're a calculating like 

621
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:46,040
chef, driver, maid, babies that 
are like all obviously not 

622
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:50,440
because you're a kid, therapist,
sex worker, sex worker, 

623
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,280
everything. 
It was crazy. 

624
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:56,560
But it's it's like if somebody 
cannot see your worth and what 

625
00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:58,560
you're bringing to the table, 
they're never going to be able 

626
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:01,840
to to hold the value of it or 
understand it. 

627
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:03,560
And I appreciate you and give 
you. 

628
00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,120
The Yeah, just. 
Yeah, just the. 

629
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:10,360
Appreciation that you deserve. 
There are men out there who do 

630
00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:13,120
that. 
I've I've let them slip by and 

631
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:17,160
I'm like, wait, oh bye, wait. 
I I. 

632
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:21,440
Think that there are and I think
that settling for anything less 

633
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:23,040
is just a disservice to 
yourself. 

634
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:26,480
I have said this a handful of 
times on here but I refuse to be

635
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:31,000
80 years old and look back at my
life and be like I wish I had 

636
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,480
put myself in more uncomfortable
positions and taken more of a 

637
00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:37,080
risk because I could have had 
something better and instead I 

638
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:40,400
settled for somebody who treated
me like shit until I walked 

639
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:41,920
away. 
Why would I do? 

640
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:45,240
And also why when you walk away,
are they always like I figured 

641
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,720
it out Because they're lying. 
Because they didn't. 

642
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:50,760
To answer your question, they're
liars. 

643
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:53,480
No, it's so much. 
But yeah, that's the other 

644
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:56,480
thing. 
Like you are going to be old one

645
00:31:56,480 --> 00:32:00,040
day and you are going to look 
back at your life, at all your 

646
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:04,200
memories. 
And the memories that you have 

647
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:07,480
of this relationship that you 
settled for is just going to be 

648
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:14,120
this one lump together memory of
you feeling kind of OK or at 

649
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:16,480
best. 
Yeah, at best, or miserable. 

650
00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:21,600
Or you could just get really 
uncomfortable, like you said, 

651
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:25,160
put yourself in the most 
uncomfortable positions ever and

652
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:27,600
just level up and have a great 
time in your life. 

653
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:29,280
Yeah, and there's so many routes
to. 

654
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:31,520
A fulfilling life like you can 
be fulfilled with your 

655
00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:33,240
friendships, you can be 
fulfilled single, you can be 

656
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,480
fulfilled alone. 
You know, I don't think that you

657
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:38,440
need a man to make you feel 
good. 

658
00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:42,160
No, I think. 
Having like girlfriends is the 

659
00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:43,760
answer. 
What's the share quote? 

660
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:46,200
She's like they're. 
Like dessert men. 

661
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:48,480
She's like, I don't need them. 
They're like dessert or 

662
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:49,880
something like that. 
She's like, they're nice to 

663
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:51,840
have. 
Yeah, that's exactly how. 

664
00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:55,520
They should be looked at. 
I genuinely, I genuinely believe

665
00:32:55,520 --> 00:33:00,960
I I just they just can't be the 
source of entertainment and 

666
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,120
happiness. 
I think your friends can be the 

667
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:04,600
source of entertainment and 
happiness. 

668
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:09,320
Not fully like you should be the
source of happiness, but I think

669
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:13,760
there's so it's just so 
fulfilling actually to just like

670
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:16,720
have your friends and spend time
with them and like figure out 

671
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:20,680
who you are too, I heard. 
I was listening to this podcast 

672
00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:22,120
called The Psychology of Your 
20s. 

673
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:23,440
They did an episode about 
settling. 

674
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:26,000
And she said a lot of people 
stay and settle because they 

675
00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:28,000
have this thing called identity 
foreclosure. 

676
00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,880
So it's where you, let's say you
get married when you're like 23 

677
00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:36,360
and you've learned who you are 
as a wife and you're like, OK, I

678
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,480
guess that's who I am. 
And you're foreclosing on your 

679
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:40,960
identity. 
Like you're never taking the 

680
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:44,240
time to actually learn who you 
are outside of that 

681
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:45,560
relationship. 
And if you're in a good 

682
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:47,800
relationship, I'm sure you can 
still learn and grow and figure 

683
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:51,320
that out within it because it's 
providing you the circumstance 

684
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:53,000
to be able to do that. 
But if you're settling and 

685
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:56,760
you're in something that's not 
that great, how are you figuring

686
00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,720
out what you actually want and 
like and deserve when you're 

687
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:02,280
settling for the opposite, 
especially when you're? 

688
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,400
The type of person that always 
does what that other person 

689
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:06,800
wants to do in order to keep 
them happy. 

690
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:09,639
People pleaser. 
I used to be a really big people

691
00:34:09,639 --> 00:34:10,960
pleaser. 
Yeah, I'm working on that. 

692
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:12,360
Yeah. 
Basically, screw everybody. 

693
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,520
No, not really. 
But you know, but you know, that

694
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:17,440
is something that I know we're 
like out of time almost. 

695
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:22,520
But that is something that I had
to come to terms with is my my 

696
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:25,800
almost ego or identity being 
attached to being a wife. 

697
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,239
And I didn't realize that it 
happened because I never cared 

698
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:31,440
about that. 
But because I was a wife for so 

699
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:36,639
long and had a big rock on my 
finger, it made me hesitant to 

700
00:34:36,639 --> 00:34:39,320
become single again because it 
felt unstable. 

701
00:34:39,639 --> 00:34:41,560
And it became such a part of my 
identity. 

702
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,080
And it just took like a week or 
something and I was like, oh, 

703
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:47,040
no, I feel so much better now. 
I feel like amazing and actually

704
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:49,520
so much more powerful standing 
on my own. 

705
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:52,239
So if anyone's listening and 
they're like, you know, oh, I'm 

706
00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:54,920
afraid that, you know, trust me,
it's so much better. 

707
00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:58,160
The fear of it is worse than. 
The reality, the fear of it, has

708
00:34:58,160 --> 00:34:59,880
nothing. 
To do with the reality, it's 

709
00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:01,360
like when you go to get a shot 
when you're a little. 

710
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:03,600
Kid, and you're freaking the 
fuck out and then they do it and

711
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:05,280
you're like, oh, OK, let's go 
now. 

712
00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:06,360
Yeah, exactly. 
Not that bad. 

713
00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:08,360
It's not that bad. 
At all. 

714
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:10,200
It's actually like, great, 
actually fantastic. 

715
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:11,200
Really fun. 
Yeah. 

716
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,120
Exactly the best thing you'll. 
Ever do in your life? 

717
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,960
So leave that man, Don't settle.
Leave that man, don't settle 

718
00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:17,720
all. 
Right. 

719
00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:19,520
Where can people find you? 
TikTok? 

720
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:24,120
Instagram. 
And YouTube Kasia WI really just

721
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:28,240
have everything under my name 
CASIAHWEST. 

722
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:29,600
I'll link it below. 
Yeah, too. 

723
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:30,960
So you. 
Guys can see thank you so much 

724
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:32,840
for coming. 
Thank you for having me of. 

725
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:34,040
Course. 
And we did it. 

726
00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:35,720
Yeah, we finally did it.