Hi guys. Welcome back to Unbothered.
Today we have. Kasi West.
I'm an author but also a podcast host I guess.
Maybe just somebody that talks shit on social media, TikTok,
Instagram, YouTube. I've seen it's like 7 of your
tik toks that have snapped me out of whatever mood I was in
and I was like you know what I like her.
I'm going to DM her and see what.
She wants. That's so funny.
Do you know which ones? No, not off the top of my head,
but definitely like things I needed here in the moment.
And I'm like, I hope this is what I'm doing for other people
because this is working for me. I love that.
Yeah, that's amazing. So I'm happy to have you here.
I'm happy to be here. Yeah, I feel like we have the
same kind of messages. Yeah.
So today I thought we could talk about not settling.
Yeah, in relationships, specifically with men.
Yeah, specifically with men. And choosing yourself instead.
I mean, it's like, The thing is like you have one life.
You can't settle for someone that's making you unhappy.
It's just like you get so comfortable with people that you
forget that every single year that you're with this person not
being happy is 1 less year that you have to go have fun and make
memories, be happy, spend time with your friends.
There's so much life to live, and then you just get sucked
into this world with one person that you're comfortable with
where you're not actually really happy.
You're comparing the feeling of comfort with the feeling of loss
that you know you're going to have, and you just can't see
past that withdrawal from that person to get out of it.
So then you end up settling. It's just like the easiest thing
to do in the world. It is so easy.
One thing that I recently learned is loss aversion.
So what is it? Loss aversion?
So it's literally what you just said.
Like we're averse to wanting to feel the loss.
And someone was like, OK, well, why don't you start calculating
and adding up all the things you're losing by staying with
them? So you can look at what is
actually the bigger loss here. Because it is more than likely a
way more of a loss when it comes to everything else in your life
that you're foregoing to stay in this like little bubble of
comfort, which probably is uncomfortable if you're being
honest with yourself. I'm missing out on fulfilling
friendships, other parts of my life hobby is someone that can
actually make me really truly happy and treat me right.
All for the fear of losing this like OK situation.
OK, I. Yeah.
Yeah, no, that's definitely what happens every time.
I think something that snapped me out of it at one point was I
started writing down on like a calendar like every single day
that I wasn't actually really happy.
And you're just like, Oh my God, if it's been this many days this
month, then just multiply that by 12.
That's how long it's going to be for a year.
And it's just going to be the majority.
That's just going to be your whole life.
That's going to change. Great.
Tip. And it gets, it's like,
horrifying. I think girls should go out and
get like an actual like paper planner and just start.
Just start. Unhappy, unhappy.
Just sad faces. Yeah.
No, because it's so easy to
compartmentalize or have like a dissonance from what's actually
going on because you just don't want to believe it so you can
stay in your little bubble of familiarity.
Yeah, yeah. And then another huge thing I
learned in going through a breakup this time, because every
single time I'm experiencing an emotion that I don't like, I
immediately look up what is the psychology behind this?
Because if I can understand the psychology, then I don't really
need to fully experience it. I could, you know, see it from
the outside. So I knew that I needed to leave
my relationship. I knew it was logically the
right thing to do and even though I it's what I really
wanted to do and I thought about it every single day for like a
month and I was like yes, like I need to leave and I'm angry and
I'm so ready to leave this relationship.
Once I did, I still was crying and all upset, and I was so
shocked at how upset I was. There's just two parts of your
brain. The survival part of your brain
just wants you to stay with whoever you've been sleeping
with or whoever you're comfortable with because it
thinks that you're in the wilderness and that you need a
tribe. You need people around you to
keep you safe. Like we're social creatures.
We're just built that way. So it does not care if this
person is not good for you. You're going to feel like you're
not going to make it like you feel like you're not going to
survive survive without this person just because that's how
our brains are set up, even though the logical part is
telling you this is not right. Yeah, and grieving is normal
too, yeah. Yeah.
And then you have withdrawal from the person.
Oh, my God, yeah. I did a whole episode on, like,
the science of a breakup and what happens in your brain
directly because you're literally addicted to somebody.
Like, it's the same as someone who's addicted to substances.
You're in this dopamine loop, and then you get out of it and
you're like, Oh my God, I've lost like, the one thing that
makes me feel OK. What do you think about being in
a longer term relationship and getting out of it and then kind
of feeling, of course it comes in waves, but more at peace with
it than if you were in like a year long relationship.
You're saying like you are more comfortable being alone after
being in a long relationship than a short 1.
Yeah, I think like, I had this fear that if I had been dating
someone for so long that when I left them, I was going to be,
like, debilitated. And I think that instead I was
actually more liberated. Yeah, in a weird way.
But I think it's almost because you're with them for so long
that you've you've really tried, like, everything you can
possibly fucking try, and you've exhausted all of it.
So you're like, all right, That's a wrap on that.
Exactly. Like, especially six years.
Eight years, you probably have tried everything you could
possibly try three times like or more for each thing.
Yeah, like, yeah. And so, you know, you're done
when you're done. And I think that's it's so much
easier to deal with because anytime you have that little
thought of, well, maybe it's like, no, like there's literally
nothing more that can be done. I can't do anything else.
And it's awful. I think women are the ones that
are always in the position where they're trying everything under
the sun to make it work with a man who's really barely doing
anything like it, really doing the bare minimum.
I think a lot of times. And a woman is just so willing
to do everything in their power for a decade or maybe decades
just to try and make it work, but usually because the man is
telling them that they are going to change.
And at this point, I genuinely don't think a man will ever
change. No, I, I think it's hard for
people to change in general, but like they, they don't have much
desire to usually at the same time, it's like, it's really
sad, but it's also nice to look back and, and have the closure
that you can give yourself where you're like, I did try
everything. That's my own personal thing.
Like, I will exhaust it, which I, I don't think I'll do moving
forward, but like I used to exhaust it because then I was
like, well, I tried everything. It still didn't work.
So what else could I have done? It's also always when men come
right back around, like when you actually try everything, they
don't give a fuck. And then you walk away.
They're like, oh, wait, Yep. And you're like.
But then that doesn't help because you walk away, you break
up for like a week and then you get back together.
Because then they're acting like they have the loss.
They can't handle it. They don't know how to process
their emotions. They come back, they change for
a little bit, and then it goes right back to normal.
There's another year of your life.
Yes, every time. It, yeah.
And it's up to you to be like, you know what, I'm actually not
going to settle for this anymore because what are you even
getting out of it at that point? Just maintaining the addiction
to that person, yeah, not having to basically go to rehab and get
rid of them. Rehab, yeah.
Yeah, there, there should be relationship rehab that we
should start a relationship. Rehab right, that's we'll.
Have to check in podcast, they have to check in and it'll be
very psychologically based. They're not allowed to talk to
that person until like actual withdrawal has subsided.
And then they'll come out and they'll be like, Oh my God, who?
Like who was I with who? I don't even care.
What's about this guy? OK, we need to do like a girls
trip where we we go. For I'm doing girls trips all
the time. Let's go.
That was my original plan when I I started doing like trips and
stuff. I was going to do a whole thing
of like having girls that are following me come on these trips
and it's kind of like helping them get over the breakup.
I did like a trial run of it, but it was with girls that I
kind of already knew and so much drama in the suit.
It was insane that then it became like a little like little
reality show thing. And then that went pretty viral.
And I thought about doing a reality show and I actually had
a whole that's a story for another time.
But. But yeah, I've still yet to
actually try the whole to do it, to do the vacation thing, have
girls get out of their breakups. But that would be fun.
That would be fun, yeah. I went to a women's retreat.
I wasn't going through a breakup, but a lot of the women
there were. I went to one in Bali.
They're going through like divorces or burnout or grief.
One of the three. And they were.
They came out of it like glowing.
Maybe we all need to just ship ourselves off.
I mean, that's literally that's the solution to all my problems
every time I get on a flight. I don't care.
I don't care if anyone says it doesn't solve your problems, I
think it does. I think meditation and a
vacation is all you need. I mean, I think like exposing
yourself to new scenarios. Yeah, you just get out of your
world and just get a new perspective on things.
Just get away from everything about them, and it's so much
easier to forget about them. But if you're in the same exact
house, seeing the same exact people doing the same exact
thing, your routine involves them still so much.
Everything's gonna remind you of them.
But if you just completely reset you, it's just so much easier to
get a new version or a new, like, vision of a version of
your life. Yeah, without them it's just so
much faster. I agree, leave the city as long
as you're doing like some of the work.
Yeah, that's what I say in meditation.
Like I joke, but I do meditate. Like that got me through
everything. I know that if I wasn't the type
of person that meditates every single day for like 20 minutes
an hour a day, then there's no way.
Like because everyone was so shocked.
They were like, wait, what do you mean you just left your
husband? Like you're fine.
I'm like, yeah, no, I'm great. Like I I had a day, but then I
looked up the psychology behind why I was crying and then that
was it and did a few videos about it and I'm in Paris and
then then then Visa then LA. Like I'm chilling and.
Why are we the same? Really.
Like, let me intellectualize my pain really quick, yeah.
And then go have fun. That's so funny.
So there's relationships like that that we stay in, and then
there's relationships where it's like everything's OK.
It's just so great. And that's a lot of settling
too. I don't think I've really
experienced that type of relationship myself.
Have you? No, it's either been just, it's
just awful, I guess. No, it's not awful.
It's just like they'll be things that I never have a boring
relationship. I guess.
It's not like, oh, things are things are OK.
I'm just settling to be in it because I'm not the person that
just wants a relationship. I never did.
I'm always the one who's happy being single.
And then, you know, they just want to just destroy that.
They just want to destroy every little bit of independence and
happiness that you have by coming into your life.
So it was never really that it's more of just things are really
good except this 10% of the time when things are bad.
But then when things are bad, that 10% of the time it just
ruins the good stuff. Like the good stuff just isn't
as good as it could be because you kind of resent them for that
10%. I think that's a huge sign that
you're settling when the highs are really high and the lows are
really low. Or you're saying, well, like
just the other day they were really nice.
Yeah, they did this. So that's not that bad when
you're starting to justify the bad with the good that you get
like half the time or. Yeah.
Less than 100% of the time you're settling.
Sorry, getting a heck out. But yeah, that's I think been a
huge thing for me where they act like boyfriend of the year for
three to six months and then slowly kind of worsen and you
stick it through because you're like, well, we can get back to
that. It's always, yeah, that's that's
a really big point because especially you mean like the
beginning stages, the first? Yeah, the first week to six
months. Yeah.
They put on this front of who they are, and you just assume
that this is who this man is. This man is good to me and he
makes me happy and he's fun and he's emotionally intelligent.
And then little things start to happen that you make excuses
for, like they made a mistake or they're not really like this
because I know who they really are.
This is the person that they were in the beginning.
And like you said, oh, we'll get back to that.
There was no back to that. They, their mask is slipping
now. You know they can only hold it
up for so long. Yeah, that's especially true
with narcissists and abusers. The mask thing, My therapist
said three to six months the most, the longest that someone
who has narcissistic personality disorder or like a lot of those
traits can. Yeah, six months.
You have to be talented. Oh my God, yeah.
I'm starting to realize that's so much with guys and I think my
tolerance is so low at this point that the second someone
seems a little bit narcissistic, like hell no, I can't.
Like it's just, it becomes so obvious.
And I think, I mean, it's good this type of content, I think
because you get to not only hear someone give examples of
textbook narcissism or abuse, but then you see the comment
section filled with other women that say, yeah, this exact thing
happened to me. So then you realize it's not
just this one thing that this guy is doing to you.
It's textbook behavior. I didn't know my like, abusive
relationship that I was in. I had no idea.
Like I wasn't, I'm not a, you know, psychologist, so I didn't
know exact behavior that is abusive.
I didn't know the exact signs. But it's almost always the exact
same thing. So then when you hear people
talking about it, you're like, Oh my God.
It's not that he made a mistake. He's a narcissist.
I also think that if there's someone who's looking up and
listening to this kind of content or you're us who's
making those kind of content, you're interested in psychology.
You think that, you know, or you're like, no, my intuition
would tell me. Meanwhile, you're literally
experiencing cognitive dissonance and you're in it.
Yeah, so that's scary too, where you're like, I'm emotionally
intelligent. Like I would know if I was with
an abuser. And everyone's around you like
you're with an abuser, babe. You're like, no.
Yeah, and a lot of times your friends won't even like say
anything because especially if you're not saying anything about
it, they're not going to be like, yeah, he's actually an
asshole. Yeah, they're not going to say
that to you, especially when you're like a tough person.
And then when you get out of it, and then everyone's like, yeah,
he's, he's a Dick. Yeah, and not all of my
relationships were. I've had great boyfriends.
They just started becoming. Very selfish.
Interesting. Like how?
Like, important situations would come up where I would need them
to show up for me and they wouldn't.
And so then I'd be like, OK, Or they would start to an argument,
speak to me in a way that they never would before, and I'll
call them out on that and be like, why are you talking to me
like that? Yeah, sorry, you know, like I
just I got really heated. I'll work on it goes to therapy
and is better for like a month or two and it happens again and
it's just kind of like I don't think that that's a full blown
narcissist because I've been with a full blown narcissist and
much worse and like horrifying to.
Experience, yeah. But it's that's a form of
settling absolutely. And I think that it also is so
detrimental to yourself esteem that you start to think
something is wrong with me because he used to treat me
great and now he doesn't, he's falling out of love with me or
he doesn't care about me anymore.
Like what am I doing wrong? And so then you spend all of
your time trying to be enough for someone when the reality is
that they're just not enough for you, and they probably know
that. Yeah, 100%.
And at some point, you have to walk away.
And I think the thing that I've learned the most from
relationships ending is like, I just wasted too much time on
them. Because the right thing is not
going to make you feel drained, like you're not enough, you're
not going to feel like shit all of the time, or you're not going
to have this gut feeling that something just isn't right or
they're just not your person. For those of you who are in
relationships that are OK but not great.
It's always right, like your gut feeling is always right.
Mine just, it just takes too long sometimes to listen to it.
Like you're just, you're not always going to be ready to
listen to it. And I think that's fine.
I think sometimes a relationship does just have to run its course
and there's a fine line between not settling but also not
pressuring yourself. Like anytime I would have
issues, I remember my mom would always be like, there's no gun
to your head to make a decision. And it that's a better way to
look at it than trying to force. Like sometimes you do need a
time limit. Like I gave myself an age.
I'm not exposing my age right now, but I gave myself an age
that I was like, OK, I've been not listening to my gut.
I've been giving chances, but this is the age that I am going
to be done. And if he can't make things
perfect or at least just make me like just stop doing the things
that I'm asking him not to do anymore by that age, then that's
it. Because that's the oldest I feel
comfortable being going back into the market, going back into
the dating scene after that. I'm not doing it like I'm not
going to be past that age and then be divorced.
It's not happening. I think that's a scary reality.
And then once you put that time limit on it, and even when you
tell them, OK, this is my time limit, even if it's two years
down the line and it gets to that time and they don't make
those changes when they knew they were supposed to and that
was the time that you were going to leave.
It's like you just have to at that point.
And then that becomes the last straw, like you knew this was,
it's like my time limit, and you're still not changing.
So clearly you just don't care. Exactly.
And like, how many times do you really want to have to ask
somebody? You know, I don't want to be
with somebody that I have to constantly like, berate to just
be good to me. It's exhausting, it's draining,
it's sad. It's just, it's insane that so
many people experience this. And I'm going to say people, but
like, I really feel like it's women.
Sorry. I don't hear men complaining
that, oh, my girl used to be so nice to me and now she treats me
like shit and she's going and like trying to fuck other guys
or like, I'm sorry, that's not just generally not what's going
on. It's just kind of always men not
being emotionally intelligent enough to maintain a
relationship. But in terms.
OK, So what I was saying about the the fine line between, you
know, not wanting to settle but not putting too much pressure on
yourself. The other thing is you can't
just assume that there's going to be this perfect man out
there. I genuinely don't think that
there's a perfect man. I think you're always going to
have to. There's something like you might
need to be settling on, but I think what it's about is just
not settling being unhappy. But it shouldn't be that you're
going to get out of the relationship with them and then
go looking for someone else to make you happy.
It's you have to be making yourself happy all the time.
And if they're preventing you from making yourself happy, then
you're settling. But then get out of that,
assuming you're going to be happy now, on your own, without
anyone and without expecting anyone to be perfect and make
you happy. Yeah, you have to, which I think
is something that like was harder for me to wrap my head
around at first because you have to accept the loss of like a
life with somebody and moving into a life alone, which is
scary when you, if you've been doing it for a long time
especially. Yeah, but it also is so
rewarding once you get over the hump because.
You get. Yourself esteem back.
I I forgot what it was like to have self esteem.
I woke up and I was like, Oh my God.
I remembered my worth. Holy shit.
Thank God. Yeah, My mom's so happy.
My friends are like hello, welcome back.
Literally same. I would much rather be happy
alone than ever feel that drained with somebody ever
again. There's no build a man factory.
I can't make my perfect man unfortunately there.
Should be one. OK, that's my second.
Project. Can we make that one?
Yeah, I know that there is someone out there who will
recognize my worth from the get go and won't make me question it
again the very least. Yeah, I guess my thing is like,
I hate even thinking that because I just, I hate like, you
know, when you just end up romanticizing someone because
you believe that there's a person out there.
So then you meet someone, you're like, yeah, well, I believe that
there is someone and then this one's the one.
And then you waste another fucking decade of your life.
So in my mind, like the way I always go about it is I don't
care. Like I'll be alone forever.
And I've said this to every man I've ever been with.
Like, oh, you expect, you know, this and that and you're so
you're going to be single forever.
I was like, fucking good, get out of my house.
Get out of my house. Like get out, leave me alone.
Like I'm perfectly happy being alone.
So I think men genuinely think that women like toxicity and
that they're only attracted to you if they do something to piss
you off. Some do, some do.
I did an episode called, like, in the Mind of a Fuck Boy or
something, and we brought on this guy, Marco, and he was on
Fuck Boy Island. And he was like, yeah,
sometimes. Or wasn't Marco.
I don't know if someone said to me once you have to be careful,
you can't be too nice to women because then they're not
attracted to you anymore. And I was like, what world do
you live on? And I'm sure there are some
women who like do crave the toxicity or whatever, but I
truly want a nice man. Yeah.
Yeah, there's a nice man. There's a difference between
being nice and having no game. You can be nice and the reason
that you're being nice is because you're just fawning all
over them and you have no self worth or confidence.
So that and you're just desperately trying for this
person. So you're nice.
But as soon as that person, like as soon as that girl isn't nice,
back to them, they're an asshole because they're like, I'm so
nice to you and you're just like not putting out.
You're a prick. You're like that and that's
different. That's.
Different than being someone who's extremely confident and
knows that they can have whatever they want, but they're
still treating you like goddess, treating you like little Angel.
That's hot. It's so hot when I think about
like the hottest dating experience I've ever had.
He was confident, he opened every door for me.
He was very sweet, was consistent, called when he said
he was going to call, checked in, helped me put on my fucking
high heel strap like on the floor.
I was like, oh. Yeah, like this?
Yeah. You know, get picking up the
check without even letting me see it.
Like was a gentleman in all the ways.
Yeah. And I was like, thank you.
I thought that you didn't exist. Like, that's hot and that is a
nice guy. That's not somebody who's, like,
picking me up in the back of a fucking motorcycle.
And I'm OK with that. That's fine.
We can get in your little Tesla. But like, you know, I would much
rather that than someone who's hot and cold and on and off.
It hot and cold makes me want to burn them in a fire.
I can't. I can't with it either.
It's so disgusting. Grow up.
It is the most immature thing to me in the world.
I feel like they're five years old.
Or just leave me alone. Yeah, leave me the.
Fuck alone. Get out of my face.
What are you doing? Why are you all over me acting?
It's all. It's kind of like the love
bombing too, but I've so rarely dealt with hot and cold.
I think I've only kind of dealt with it like once recently and
it's so gross to me I can't. I almost can't even think of
anything worse. It's just so unattractive.
That and the attitudes. A man with an attitude is so
ugly, I don't care. The sassy man epidemic I don't
want the sassy man epidemic. Just want a sweet, sweet guy.
Yeah, but I've dealt with hot and cold a.
Lot really a. Lot and I just I think I
tolerated it for too long. This is another thing when
you're settling with somebody. I feel like we're mostly
speaking about relationships that are not good.
So let me just clarify here. When you're settling for
somebody who is hot and cold, you're teaching them how to
treat you like what you're going to accept.
If you're consistently letting them come back after treating
you like shit, they learn. OK, well I can truly shit.
I don't have to try. It's a reality, you know?
And so you think you're being empathetic and understanding and
forgiving. Stop trying to see it from their
side and justify shit because all you're doing is
deteriorating yourself worth and teaching them to put in like the
bare minimum if that and get away with it.
Which is just like, why are we doing that to ourselves, guys?
And then you have the issue of when you are someone who's
intelligent, emotionally intelligent, understands
psychology, then you have someone treating you like that
and you're not tolerating it. You're telling them exactly what
you're not going to tolerate in a mature way.
And then they come back with a mature response about how
they're not going to do it, but they still then do it again.
Yeah. So it's like, too, it's like
you, but they might wait long enough that you're so attached
to them. And then you think, oh, well,
they changed that little bit when I did come to them in a
mature way, speaking on how I'm not going to tolerate that, that
maybe they'll be able to change again.
And it just was this little mistake.
So it's a trap, a trap. My friend Lauren was like, this
is a really great exercise to do.
She said, make a little T chart and a little thing on one side,
right? Qualities that you want in a
relationship. So let's say I want like
emotional intelligence and on the other side, right, How it
makes you feel. So it makes me feel heard,
understood, at ease and just keep doing that with all the
different traits. And then look at the feeling
side and ask yourself, do I feel this way in the relationship?
Stop. Like don't look at the traits
because it's easy to be like no, he's emotionally intelligent
because he came to me and he used therapy speak and he
understood. But are you feeling heard?
Are you at ease? Do you feel understood without
having to over explain and over communicate?
The answer's no, he's not emotionally intelligent.
He's just mirroring you to tell you what you want to hear.
The mirroring is insane, but that but that is a really good.
It's a great tool. And then that like 3 weeks ago I
was like, thank you Laura. Don't feel.
Heard like I. Don't feel heard or say no.
Actually, that's really the worst when you're just doing
everything to communicate what you're feeling.
And it's just like, do you get that I'm a human being in a
human experience, or are you so selfish and so wrapped up in
your own world that you don't understand that you're wasting
my life, like you're wasting my time here?
Especially for a woman. I I think men have a really
skewed sense of the value of time and youth because the older
a man gets usually, like in this society, they become more
valuable because they usually get more money and they become
more distinguished. And Pepper.
Yeah, you're going to, oh, you'll be 50 something and get a
hot 20 something year old because now you have any amount
of money to provide to this girl.
And I really think that that is in the back of their minds, and
they don't understand that for a woman, like, yeah, we can do
things to keep ourselves hot, but it's not the same standard
for women in the dating world. We don't have the same amount of
people to choose from. Yeah, even.
Biologically, like it's you can freeze your eggs and whatever.
Else but absolutely it's like we're we have a clock going on
and if a man doesn't respect the fact that you have a limited
amount of time in your life if you want to have kids and even
if you just want to be a young hot thing going out and partying
while you do actually want to have fun, then he's a piece of.
It's just also like, I think it's a hard, hard, hard truth,
but if he doesn't respect you enough to let you go because you
have a limited time and just wants to keep you out of the
convenience and comfort of now, I don't think he loves you.
I think he loves. Himself 100%.
And he loves, you, know, you cleaning up after him and like,
providing emotional labor and whatever else you're bringing to
the table. Yeah, that's something else I
realize is like how much time and energy a woman puts into
physical labor of being with a man, which is another thing you
have to like, if you're wondering if you're settling,
just think about all the hours in the day that you could be
putting into your own life, like self-care or building a business
for yourself. Especially if you're with
someone you're kind of settling because they're paying your
bills. Oh gosh.
What are you doing for them while they're building their
business yourself? Because.
Especially. Like most guys that are paying
your bills and stuff, you're probably taking care of them
emotionally. You're probably cooking and
cleaning for them. It's so much time and energy
that you could be building yourself.
And I started realizing it because I got an assistant and I
realized she's being paid to do a fraction of what I do for my
husband. And I'm like, OK, like, I could
actually, if I really wanted to have a career as a personal
assistant to someone rich, and at least I'd have my freedom.
But at the same time, what are you even doing for me if I'm
actually doing labour for you while you've built these
businesses? And it's just like, what?
What am I doing? Yeah.
Am I settling here? You can also be doing all that.
And. Splitting 5050, that's a reality
too. Like half the bills doing way
more emotional labour than he is doing, cleaning up the house,
you know, taking care of the kids, whatever else.
For sure. Absolutely not.
Oof. That's infuriating.
I think someone has done the calculations.
Of what a housewife and a mother should be paid.
And it was crazy. It was crazy.
It was like 250K or something when you're a calculating like
chef, driver, maid, babies that are like all obviously not
because you're a kid, therapist, sex worker, sex worker,
everything. It was crazy.
But it's it's like if somebody cannot see your worth and what
you're bringing to the table, they're never going to be able
to to hold the value of it or understand it.
And I appreciate you and give you.
The Yeah, just. Yeah, just the.
Appreciation that you deserve. There are men out there who do
that. I've I've let them slip by and
I'm like, wait, oh bye, wait. I I.
Think that there are and I think that settling for anything less
is just a disservice to yourself.
I have said this a handful of times on here but I refuse to be
80 years old and look back at my life and be like I wish I had
put myself in more uncomfortable positions and taken more of a
risk because I could have had something better and instead I
settled for somebody who treated me like shit until I walked
away. Why would I do?
And also why when you walk away, are they always like I figured
it out Because they're lying. Because they didn't.
To answer your question, they're liars.
No, it's so much. But yeah, that's the other
thing. Like you are going to be old one
day and you are going to look back at your life, at all your
memories. And the memories that you have
of this relationship that you settled for is just going to be
this one lump together memory of you feeling kind of OK or at
best. Yeah, at best, or miserable.
Or you could just get really uncomfortable, like you said,
put yourself in the most uncomfortable positions ever and
just level up and have a great time in your life.
Yeah, and there's so many routes to.
A fulfilling life like you can be fulfilled with your
friendships, you can be fulfilled single, you can be
fulfilled alone. You know, I don't think that you
need a man to make you feel good.
No, I think. Having like girlfriends is the
answer. What's the share quote?
She's like they're. Like dessert men.
She's like, I don't need them. They're like dessert or
something like that. She's like, they're nice to
have. Yeah, that's exactly how.
They should be looked at. I genuinely, I genuinely believe
I I just they just can't be the source of entertainment and
happiness. I think your friends can be the
source of entertainment and happiness.
Not fully like you should be the source of happiness, but I think
there's so it's just so fulfilling actually to just like
have your friends and spend time with them and like figure out
who you are too, I heard. I was listening to this podcast
called The Psychology of Your 20s.
They did an episode about settling.
And she said a lot of people stay and settle because they
have this thing called identity foreclosure.
So it's where you, let's say you get married when you're like 23
and you've learned who you are as a wife and you're like, OK, I
guess that's who I am. And you're foreclosing on your
identity. Like you're never taking the
time to actually learn who you are outside of that
relationship. And if you're in a good
relationship, I'm sure you can still learn and grow and figure
that out within it because it's providing you the circumstance
to be able to do that. But if you're settling and
you're in something that's not that great, how are you figuring
out what you actually want and like and deserve when you're
settling for the opposite, especially when you're?
The type of person that always does what that other person
wants to do in order to keep them happy.
People pleaser. I used to be a really big people
pleaser. Yeah, I'm working on that.
Yeah. Basically, screw everybody.
No, not really. But you know, but you know, that
is something that I know we're like out of time almost.
But that is something that I had to come to terms with is my my
almost ego or identity being attached to being a wife.
And I didn't realize that it happened because I never cared
about that. But because I was a wife for so
long and had a big rock on my finger, it made me hesitant to
become single again because it felt unstable.
And it became such a part of my identity.
And it just took like a week or something and I was like, oh,
no, I feel so much better now. I feel like amazing and actually
so much more powerful standing on my own.
So if anyone's listening and they're like, you know, oh, I'm
afraid that, you know, trust me, it's so much better.
The fear of it is worse than. The reality, the fear of it, has
nothing. To do with the reality, it's
like when you go to get a shot when you're a little.
Kid, and you're freaking the fuck out and then they do it and
you're like, oh, OK, let's go now.
Yeah, exactly. Not that bad.
It's not that bad. At all.
It's actually like, great, actually fantastic.
Really fun. Yeah.
Exactly the best thing you'll. Ever do in your life?
So leave that man, Don't settle. Leave that man, don't settle
all. Right.
Where can people find you? TikTok?
Instagram. And YouTube Kasia WI really just
have everything under my name CASIAHWEST.
I'll link it below. Yeah, too.
So you. Guys can see thank you so much
for coming. Thank you for having me of.
Course. And we did it.
Yeah, we finally did it.