Dear Social Worker, Welcome to the world's number one personal
development podcast. For social workers, skill alone
isn't enough. Building character is what
sustains careers in social work. I'm Lisa Ran, a social worker
turned full time entrepreneur at socialworkcoachinghub.com.
Whilst I can't reduce your caseload, I can help you level
up your career with practical tools, leadership strategies and
tips to build resilience. This is real talk from one
social worker to another, empowering your personal growth.
If you're exactly where you need to be, let's talk.
Welcome to another episode of Dear Social Worker, and we'll be
focused on setting emotional boundaries in social work,
starting with our quote for the week by Unknown.
You don't have to carry the world's weight on your
shoulders. Protect your peace and let go of
what not yours to hold. This topic, I believe, is
incredibly important, but often it's overlooked.
And it's overlooked in social work because as social workers,
we're in the business of supporting people who face
trauma and distress and hardship, and it's so easy to
become emotionally involved in their stories.
But it's essential to recognize when those emotions are
beginning to weigh on you. So in this episode, I'm going to
explore the importance of setting emotional boundaries,
how to do it effectively, and why it's a key strategy in
avoiding burnout while still being present and compassionate.
It is possible. I'm also going to share some
tips on how you can start today establishing these boundaries in
your own social work practice. I remember early in my career I
struggled badly with setting emotional boundaries.
I would get so deeply involved in the stories and the struggles
of the families and the stress of making sure I was getting
everything right. I genuinely cared, but I took it
too far. I became a martyr.
I've said this before, I didn't realise I was absorbing their
pain and absorbing their stress, absorbing the trauma and not
having a more observatory stance.
Over time it started to take a toll on my emotional and
physical well-being. As you know I was burnt out
several times and I was constantly feeling drained.
I found it hard to really make a decision about what was best for
my emotions because I was so busy, focused on how to support
others. It really wasn't until I hit a
point of exhaustion that I realized the importance of
setting clear emotional boundaries.
And one of the catalysts for that was speaking to my friend
Paula. If you listen to a previous
episode, Paula was a policewoman.
Actually, we don't speak anymore.
We actually last talked. So Paula, if you're listening,
thank you. But deciding that I was going to
create a new business for myself as a coach, and in the process
of accessing coaching and becoming a coach, I recognize
the boundaries that I needed in order for me to return back to
social work. Once I understood that.
Once I understood why emotional boundaries were necessary, once
I understood that I didn't have emotional boundaries and I
needed to decide what I wanted, it became more sustainable and I
was able to maintain a much healthier boundary for myself
and for those that I was working with.
And one story around that was simply grouping with a couple of
social workers and deciding once a week we were going to walk
around the building and have a chat.
And it was fantastic because we were able to offload in that
space. And that became a space not just
for physical health, but also it became a space for our emotional
health. It helped create a boundary.
It was like, right, we need to take a step back here and think
about the ways in which we are absorbing all these different
things that are happening and get gain some perspective, call
it a master class, I guess. And that was really helpful for
us at the time. Let's talk about why emotional
boundaries are critical in social work and let's explore 3
practical ways to set emotional boundaries as a social worker
later in this episode. Now I've touched on this, but I
want to go into a bit more detail about internalising other
people's struggles. Now, internalizing other
people's struggles may lie with the relationship that you have
with yourself. Perhaps you are seeking to be
understood by someone else. Perhaps by internalizing other
people's emotions and struggles, you are inadvertently people
pleasing and saying I really understand you, I get you.
I know what you mean. Sometimes understanding what's
happening because you are absorbing it will be really
helpful to you to implement the emotional boundaries you will
need. Now the emotional boundaries for
some people can create anxiety because they're like, how can
you actively listen? How can you show someone you
understand when you've got a, what they refer to as a healthy
emotional distance from there? And let's go back to the analogy
I used in the previous podcast where I said, imagine you've got
a path in front of you, a bag on your back.
The bag is empty, but you've got rocks on the ground either side
of this path. And as you're walking down the
path, you're putting these rocks in the bag.
And the rocks represent all of your family's struggles and
traumas and distress. Imagine how heavy that bag is
when you get to the end, right? So setting emotional boundaries
allows you to create the healthy distance where you can offer
support without picking up the emotions of them and putting
them in your bag. It's not yours to carry.
It doesn't mean you're detached. It doesn't mean you shut down
empathy. It means that you are present,
you are compassionate, and you are supportive while still
recognizing that though their emotions are their emotions and
their challenges are not our responsibility to fix or
internalise as social workers, Somehow we've got into this
space where we believe we are fixers.
Our job is to be fixers. No, our job is to be solution
focused. That doesn't mean you are a
fixer. It may be you're empowering the
parent to identify solutions. When we fail to set emotional
boundaries, we're risking burnout every single day.
We're risking compassion fatigue every single day and we're
getting closer to emotional exhaustion.
Just imagine picking up those rocks and you're doing that
every day. Three years straight.
It's going to become problematic.
So when we do set boundaries, we can maintain a sustainable level
of self-care and preserve our own emotional well-being.
We can still be there for our our families, but we're also
taking care of ourselves in the process.
And that's the part where you're observing, you're helping them,
empowering them to find their own solutions.
And perhaps you are giving them the tools that they can use to
do that or implement those solutions.
And then we're moving on. And you're still showing in
those moments that you are listening, you are
understanding, and you are responding appropriately.
So here's 3 practical ways to set emotional boundaries as a
social worker. And if you are a student
listening to this, this is going to be your kryptonite.
One of the main reasons for burnout for social workers.
And I can say this having over 10 years of social work
practice. Social workers do not know when
to say no and don't know when to stop.
We want to help until we can help no more.
That is not the way to go. We have to create boundaries,
not balance boundaries. So #1 recognizing your emotional
activation points. So the first step in setting a
boundary is to recognize when you are being emotionally
activated. What creates that moment of
anger, stress or fatigue? Pay attention.
This was one of the number one lessons I was taught in
university. Pay attention to how you feel
after you've interacted with somebody, whether that's family,
a child, a peer. Are you feeling drained,
anxious, overwhelmed? These are signs that you might
be absorbing emotions that aren't yours.
So by identifying your emotional triggers, you can start to
create a space for yourself and develop strategies to manage
your reactions. So one of the ways you can do
this, you can ask yourself in the moment, what part of this
situation is mine to carry and what part is in what a powerful
question to ask. It may be you ask, what can I
take responsibility for? And what is the parents
responsibility? What is their colleagues
responsibility in this scenario? Think of the analogy of walking
down that path. You have to choose to bend down
to pick up a stone and put it in your bag, right?
So think of it as you've got a choice here.
You've got a choice #2 we talked about this and I'm saying it
again, practicing self-care. When you're prioritizing
yourself and you are thinking of protecting your own peace, I'm
telling you, emotional boundaries are going to come
naturally because you are going to be thinking about, well, is
that going to encroach on the peace that I have decided I want
to do today or the boundaries that I've got in place to manage
my time, Whatever it may be, Think of it of you carrying a
knowing. I don't know whether they do
this in the UK, but I know they do it in in the US.
So shout out to my American listeners giving you hearts.
Sometimes they give a child an egg to hold right or to take
home, to look after, and they have to nurture it and make
sure. And they do that because we know
the egg is very delicate. Think of your emotions like
that. It's delicate.
It needs careful handling. So when you engage in activities
that help you recharge, whether it's exercise, meditation,
journaling, whatever, when you're prioritizing yourself
care, that means 1, you can replenish your emotional
reserves. So remember, you're filling your
cup so you can give from the overflow.
Giving from the overflow means you are not giving from the
water that's in the cup. You are giving from the
overflow. I want to make sure I reiterate
that you're replenishing those emotional reserves.
That's number one. Number two, you are creating the
boundary and #3 you're protecting yourself, right?
And when you are full or fuller, you are better equipped to
support other people without burning out.
So remember to set aside time in your schedule for self-care.
And I want to ask you, have you put those holidays and enter
those holidays into your calendar, your diary for the
whole year? Yeah, remember I said to do that
#3 you've got to establish some boundaries with your families.
I struggled with this sometimes, and when I got the hang of it,
it really made my life easier. So I'll give you an example.
I was working with a parent who was known for being a stalker.
Long story short, when she got in contact with me she would
expect an answer within half an hour or an hour.
And you and I both know that's impossible when you are back and
forth and trying to support families.
So I decided the best way to manage that scenario was to
manage her expectations. So I created some boundaries
around that and I sent an e-mail back saying all emails that you
send to me I do receive. I'm not always able to answer
within the time that you want, but I will answer by X time.
So the emails actually sent started becoming less because
she was able to understand what my capacity was.
So establishing that boundary with her was helpful.
Don't get me wrong, because of her tendencies, the boundaries
weren't always at the forefront of her mind, but I would just
remind her gently of those. So it's important that you set
boundaries. That's a practical boundary.
But for me, that also became an emotional boundary because if
you imagine getting 3-4 emails, sometimes 10 in one day from the
same person can take an emotional toll.
So you've got to let people know that you're there to support
them, but also be honest about what you can and cannot do.
Establish those limits around your availability and the types
of emotional support you can provide.
Of course, not everybody's going to respond positively to that,
but this is not about their response to it.
You're not responsible for their response.
You are responsible for delivering the message in a
professional, clear and empathetic way, and it's going
to help you and it's going to help your families or your peers
understand the limits of your relationship and prevent the
emotional overload on you. So I'm going to answer today's
Q&A question. And today it comes from Sam, who
is in California. So hello to you, Sam, and thank
you for listening to the podcast.
And the question is, how do I keep my boundaries intact when I
feel I'm letting my clients down?
And this is a valid concern. And I've been there.
I've told you this already, I've been there.
I was a martyr to it all and I did not have regards to my
boundaries. The key I would say to remember
here is your emotional well-being is just as important
as the care you provide to others.
So I believe some reflection behind this question will be
necessary to explore what are you receiving?
What is the benefit of you continuing to work in the way
that you're working? And when you think about I'm
letting my clients down, I really think about, is that
factually true? Is it really true, Sam, that
you're letting them down? And if not, let's explore that
belief even further. Because setting boundaries is
not about neglecting anyone, including yourself.
It's about being sustainable in your practice.
Basically, you want to be there next week, you want to be there
next month, you want to be there next year.
So you've got to create strategies that are for
sustainability in your career. Think of it as that footballer
Ronaldo. Ronaldo is, was is super, super
strict on his time, what he eats, where he goes, etcetera,
etcetera. And that's because he's putting
himself first. So anything that doesn't really
feed into his mission and vision, which is to go onto a
football pitch and perform at that absolute peak and best of
his ability, he is more comfortable with saying the word
no. He's more comfortable with
stating the boundary. So by taking care of yourself,
you're ensuring that you're able to offer the quality that they
need. Also, I want you to truly
consider and reflect on the comment that you feel you're
letting your comment, your clients and your families down,
right? I want you to reframe it as much
as you can. I'm going to offer a reframe,
but you may want to develop your own.
You're protecting your ability to serve them effectively.
Four key takeaways from this episode.
Then let's talk about it #1 setting emotional boundaries.
It's essential for preventing burnout.
It allows you to offer support without absorbing, without
picking up the stones and putting them in your bag #2
recognizing your emotional activation point.
So understanding when you're carrying emotions that aren't
yours to carry, what led to that?
Really start exploring and pulling apart what's happening
for you there. And it may be that coaching will
help you in that regard. And that's where I would come in
and say to you, right, what is it you want to achieve?
And we will create a coaching program that is simply around
you, developing your understanding and new strategies
around that. And if you would like a coaching
call, I only have two a week. If you would like a coaching
call, please click the link in the show notes and book your
coaching call to speak to me about that. #3 regular self-care
is a must. I know it's hard, I've been
there. If you wake up thinking I've got
minutes to write. If you wake up thinking I've got
to get across town to get to a visit.
Somewhere along the lines you have to introduce, implement and
stay consistent with something that is just for you.
So for me, on my way to work, I would listen to certain podcasts
that brought me joy. I would listen to certain music
that was uplifting. These are forms of self-care.
Doesn't have to be have a bath once a week.
If that is your form of self-care, go for it.
But you must make sure there is an element that you in the week
you are putting yourself first. You are holding that egg and you
are protecting it #4 communicating your boundaries
clearly with your families is going to be good for you because
it it helps. It's going to help establish
those boundaries, what's possible and what's not
possible, right? It's going to help create a
healthy and sustainable relationship.
And that's what you want when you're working with your
families, if you want to build a good rapport.
But once you've built the rapport, you need a sustainable
relationship. If this episode resonated with
you, I'd love for you to share it with your colleagues or
anyone you know who may be struggling with emotional
overload in social work. If you are a manager listening
to this or you want to recommend my training, you can recommend
my Trauma Informed self-care training, which teaches you how
to create a trauma informed well-being plan, which is
reflective of the trauma you're exposed to in the office, at
work, with your families. And how you can create a
self-care plan that truly takes account of that but also create
some emotional boundaries for you.
It's the trauma informed self-care training.
Go to socialworkcoachinghub.com to learn more about that and
recommend me to speak at your local authority or organization
to support you and your colleagues.
Now we know we've just talked about this.
Emotional boundaries is not only about protecting yourself, it's
about ensuring you can continue to do this meaningful work for
years to come. I want to thank you for tuning
in today and remember to support each other.
And I want to remind you that thriving in social work starts
with you. You've been listening to the
number one personal development podcast for social workers.
And if you're ready to level up your career, visit
socialworkcoachinghub.com for more tools and resources.
Until next time, keep growing, keep thriving, and God bless.