1
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:10,360
There is nothing holding you 
back in life more than yourself.

2
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,360
If there's an ongoing gap 
between where you are and where 

3
00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:19,760
you want to be, and your efforts
to close it are consistently met

4
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:26,120
with your own resistance, pain 
and discomfort, S sabotage is 

5
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:33,240
almost always at work. 
On the surface it appears to be 

6
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,200
a product of self hatred, low 
confidence or a lack of 

7
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:42,280
willpower. 
In reality, S sabotage is simply

8
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:47,920
the presence of an unconscious 
need that is being fulfilled by 

9
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:53,200
the South sabotaging behaviour. 
To overcome this, we must go 

10
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:56,800
through a process of deep 
psychological excavation. 

11
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,800
We must pinpoint the traumatic 
event, released unprocessed 

12
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:07,240
emotions, find healthier ways to
meet our needs, reinvent our 

13
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:12,280
self-image, and develop 
principles such as emotional 

14
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:19,320
intelligence and resilience. 
It's no small task, and yet it 

15
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:24,160
is the work that all of us must 
do at one point or another. 

16
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:29,840
When Carl John was a child, he 
fell on the ground in school and

17
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,920
hit his head. 
When he got hurt, he thought to 

18
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:37,240
himself, yes, maybe I won't have
to go back to school now. 

19
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:42,960
Though he is known today for his
insightful body of work, he 

20
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:46,080
actually didn't like school or 
fit in well with his peers. 

21
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,560
Shortly after his accident, John
began experiencing sporadic and 

22
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:56,280
uncontrollable fainting spells. 
He unconsciously developed what 

23
00:01:56,280 --> 00:02:00,560
he would call a neurosis and 
ultimately came to realise that 

24
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:05,320
all neuroses are substitutes for
legitimate suffering. 

25
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:11,240
In John's case, he made an 
unconscious association between 

26
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,280
fainting and getting out of 
school. 

27
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,880
He came to believe that the 
fainting spells were a 

28
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:21,920
manifestation of his unconscious
desire to get out of class, 

29
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,120
where he felt uncomfortable and 
unhappy. 

30
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,920
Likewise, for many people, their
fears and attachments are often 

31
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:35,480
just symptoms of deeper issues 
for which they do not have any 

32
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:41,000
better way to cope. 
That is an introduction from 

33
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:45,720
chapter one from the book by 
Brianna Wiest, The Mountain is 

34
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:49,560
You. 
And today I want to talk about 

35
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,880
looking after yourself and 
getting rid of self sabotage. 

36
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:59,200
And I'm going to start by 
sharing one of my coaching 

37
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:04,720
clients journey where they truly
felt as if they were self 

38
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:10,120
sabotaging. 
And this showed up particularly 

39
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:15,440
in their practice when they were
thinking of ways to impress 

40
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:20,920
people and people please. 
And we started to unpick. 

41
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:25,440
One of my favorite questions in 
coaching is what do you receive 

42
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:32,000
when you do X? 
And often the answer to that 

43
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:38,760
question is nothing. 
Then we end up laughing because 

44
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,920
they figured that there's 
something. 

45
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:49,960
The question is always what? 
Why is that something that makes

46
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:55,320
it so familiar, so secure, so 
comfortable to go back to 

47
00:03:55,320 --> 00:04:02,400
something, repeat a pattern that
consciously you know is 

48
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:09,120
unhelpful for you now, Brianna 
Wiest in this book, The Mountain

49
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:14,000
is You, has put it beautifully 
that it's looking at a better 

50
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,160
way to cope. 
You don't know any other way to 

51
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:24,600
cope, you don't know any other 
way to process the emotions, and

52
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:28,600
on the other end of the scale, 
you have no idea that you've got

53
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:33,200
ongoing subconscious patterns 
that are driving the self 

54
00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:37,960
sabotage, driving patterns that 
are unwanted. 

55
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:44,880
So what makes you so comfortable
in repeating a pattern of which 

56
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:51,680
you know is unhelpful for you? 
What do you receive when you 

57
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:56,320
repeat these patterns? 
Now you may be thinking, well, 

58
00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:02,160
what patterns? 
Well, let's use the example of 

59
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:07,920
being on a diet. 
At one point or another, all of 

60
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,720
us have decided we want to be 
healthier, we want to be fitter,

61
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:17,480
we want to be slimmer. 
To do that, you have to make 

62
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:25,720
sacrifices, and those sacrifices
are by way of what you eat or 

63
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:29,880
perhaps financial because you 
get yourself a personal trainer.

64
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:37,320
Whichever it is, you're trying 
to break a pattern. 

65
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,600
You're trying to create a new 
habit. 

66
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:48,160
To do that, you have to let go 
of what you used to do. 

67
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,720
You have to say goodbye to the 
way you used to think. 

68
00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:04,160
And ultimately you are saying 
goodbye to the pattern that 

69
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:09,120
served you, Not served you. 
Served you. 

70
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:14,240
As in, it didn't really serve 
you, but at the time, as the 

71
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:19,760
book says, you didn't know any 
other way or a better way to 

72
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:27,080
cope. 
Now, what happens between you 

73
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:33,160
deciding you want to be on a 
diet and implementing that plan 

74
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:43,080
is a mindset shift. 
It's simply not a decision to do

75
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:47,360
so. 
There has to be something else, 

76
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:52,600
another driver, another 
motivator that is steering you 

77
00:06:52,600 --> 00:07:00,560
towards the new story you want 
to create for yourself, the new 

78
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:11,160
lifestyle that you want to live.
And that shift is 99% of the 

79
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:16,320
reason why my coaching clients 
find me. 

80
00:07:22,110 --> 00:07:29,990
If you don't know, a coach's job
is to facilitate the process, 

81
00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:38,710
asking you strategic questions 
to help you get to your own 

82
00:07:38,710 --> 00:07:44,640
solution. 
So that question I mentioned 

83
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:48,480
earlier, what do you receive 
when you do X? 

84
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:54,400
That's helping you gain a deeper
insight into who you are and why

85
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:58,760
you do what you do. 
And by the end of a coaching 

86
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:03,840
session, you would have had some
revelations, some new 

87
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,320
discoveries, come up with a new 
plan. 

88
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,920
But if you're looking to, we'll 
use the example of going on a 

89
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:17,240
diet, but you keep returning to 
the same pattern and keep going 

90
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:21,640
back to the chip shop or 
McDonald's or wherever it may 

91
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:25,840
be. 
We would then be working on what

92
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:32,679
are you getting out of this? 
And it's in the gap between 

93
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,200
where you are and where you want
to be. 

94
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:39,320
That's where my work comes in, 
that's where I facilitate your 

95
00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:43,520
thinking process and support you
through understanding yourself 

96
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:50,880
on a deeper level. 
Why is it important that I'm 

97
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:57,160
talking to you about this now? 
Well, we are. 

98
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:03,280
You haven't noticed six months 
into 2024? 

99
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:10,800
We've got six months left to 
complete the goals that we set 

100
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:21,440
in January 2024. 
How far have you come? 

101
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,960
What goals have you achieved 
from your vision board? 

102
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:39,640
What would you like to do next? 
Now if you are listening to this

103
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:44,080
and you're at a place where you 
may not have achieved any of 

104
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:50,120
your goals and you suspect there
is self sabotage at play, this 

105
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:53,320
certainly is the episode for you
to be listening to. 

106
00:09:53,440 --> 00:10:01,480
Because we are not talking about
your conscious behaviour, we are

107
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,960
talking about your unconscious 
behaviour. 

108
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:18,960
Our unconscious mind is over 80%
of what we think and over 80% of

109
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:23,600
how we behave. 
So that means we've got 20%, 

110
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:28,040
just an incipancy, 20% that is 
conscious. 

111
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:37,760
Think about that ratio for a 
moment, relate that to yourself,

112
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:47,640
and then think about it for the 
parents that you're working with

113
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:55,440
and consider the patterns that 
you see them showing in their 

114
00:10:55,440 --> 00:11:02,800
behaviour. 
Now if we have over 80% that's 

115
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:09,640
driving the unconscious and 
we've just got 20% as conscious,

116
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:15,000
imagine the work that it's going
to take to make a shift from 

117
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:23,600
unconscious to conscious, making
changes of eating whatever you 

118
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:29,120
want to being more restricted. 
It's difficult to go cold 

119
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,520
Turkey, as we call it here in 
the UK, meaning you're going to 

120
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:37,080
cut it off altogether. 
Usually there has to be a 

121
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:41,640
gradual process for you to get 
to the place where you want to 

122
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:47,480
be. 
And it's exactly the same thing 

123
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:53,360
we need to consider when we're 
looking at unconscious needs, 

124
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:58,000
unconscious behaviour that's 
been fulfilled by self 

125
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:06,000
sabotaging behaviour. 
One of the things I do in my 

126
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:10,800
coaching sessions is introduce 
emotional literacy. 

127
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:19,240
And I used to coach a gentleman 
who had dyslexia and he was one 

128
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,880
of the main reasons why I 
introduced it in this way. 

129
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:31,200
But I gave him a tool that had a
list of various emotions, and 

130
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:36,400
these emotions were what he used
to describe how he was feeling. 

131
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,920
And he kept this on his phone 
and he kept it on his desk at 

132
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:46,320
work and would refer to it, 
which would help him increase 

133
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:56,320
his emotional literacy. 
And he felt relieved that he had

134
00:12:56,320 --> 00:13:01,640
words to truly describe how he's
feeling because often people 

135
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,200
want to make shifts in their 
life without truly having an 

136
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:10,360
understanding of the emotions 
that are either driving the 

137
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:19,440
unconscious behaviour, the 
unconscious need, and unable to 

138
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:24,200
describe the impact that it was 
having on them. 

139
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:34,720
Using emotion words, emotional 
literacy is one of the key 

140
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:41,600
factors to making shifts in your
life. 

141
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,960
And if you think about it in 
practice, if you look at some of

142
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:53,440
the successes you've had with 
your children and families, most

143
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:59,520
of them are going to be born 
from a revelation, a new 

144
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:06,280
understanding of the challenges 
that they were faced with and 

145
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,840
why you're involved, what the 
risks truly are. 

146
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:20,320
If you think about that for a 
moment, most families gain an 

147
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:26,960
understanding through literacy, 
specifically emotional literacy,

148
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,000
specifically if they are 
engaging with you, gaining a 

149
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,240
fuller understanding of the 
impact of what's happening in 

150
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:40,760
the home on their child. 
Think about when they are 

151
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:46,520
enrolled on domestic violence 
programmes, parenting 

152
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:50,400
programmes. 
They all introduce new words, 

153
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:55,200
new vocabulary, new emotional 
literacy to help aid 

154
00:14:55,200 --> 00:15:00,280
understanding. 
Because when we understand how 

155
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:04,360
we feel, we have a better 
understanding of the impact it's

156
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:07,720
having and a deeper 
understanding of our behaviour 

157
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:15,240
that links to the emotion. 
Only then are you in the most 

158
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:21,440
ripe place to begin to decide 
the shift that you want to make 

159
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:25,040
for your life. 
The shift you want to make away 

160
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:33,480
from self sabotage. 
It's no small task. 

161
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:40,440
You would have heard from my 
podcast a week ago that my 

162
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:45,920
client that has been with me for
a year now, Letitia her journey.

163
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:52,320
You would have heard her say 
that there were moments where 

164
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,120
she just did not want to 
continue because there were 

165
00:15:55,120 --> 00:16:01,640
things happening around her. 
But she was clear that and 

166
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,400
recognised that that was a 
pattern that she was returning 

167
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:09,400
to. 
But because she had the 

168
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:14,200
knowledge of the pattern and she
was in the process of the 

169
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:20,920
coaching and the art therapy, 
she had the right tools to 

170
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:25,440
recognise the pattern and make a
decision that she felt was right

171
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,520
for her, which was to continue 
with the coaching sessions. 

172
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,560
There's a lot of things that 
happen to us when we're younger 

173
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:41,840
and as adults where we make 
these unconscious associations 

174
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:48,400
between a trauma or between an 
event, an incident, and the 

175
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:54,560
impact of that. 
Often what's missing is what is 

176
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:58,600
the association that we're 
making that is creating the 

177
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,400
space for self sabotage to 
exist. 

178
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:07,720
Understanding what that 
association is and how it 

179
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:13,800
relates to your life now is 
going to be your kryptonite 

180
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:22,359
moving forward. 
We must understand that our 

181
00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:26,040
minds and our bodies, sometimes 
they don't know how to cope. 

182
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:34,560
They don't. 
And that's OK. 

183
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,840
You've done the best you can 
with what you have and what you 

184
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:49,040
know, and we know through the 
theory about the cycle of change

185
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,480
that you will attempt to make 
changes and return back to the 

186
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:57,000
pattern, attempt to make changes
and return back to the pattern 

187
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:01,320
on average six to seven times. 
We know this and we know this in

188
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,600
our practice, right? 
So this is not about you being 

189
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,520
hard on yourself. 
This is about you recognising 

190
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,720
where you are and where you'd 
like to be. 

191
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,520
And ultimately this space here 
about self sabotage. 

192
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:20,280
What is it going to take to get 
you there? 

193
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:27,840
What do you need? 
What do you need? 

194
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,240
When was the last time someone 
asked you that? 

195
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:47,000
What do you need from me? 
What a beautiful question. 

196
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:53,840
I see that on TikTok with gentle
parenting. 

197
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:59,320
I like watching some of those 
posts and it reminds me of 

198
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:07,960
Montessori teaching where they 
ask the child in the midst of 

199
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,160
them crying or not being very 
happy. 

200
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:17,040
Saying that politely, of course,
because we know they can cry the

201
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:23,840
house down all the way down. 
But let's think about this for a

202
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:28,320
moment. 
In the midst of feeling that 

203
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:32,680
upset, I've seen some of these 
in quotes, gentle parents 

204
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:39,040
asking, what do you need? 
It's such a disarming question 

205
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:49,400
because in some ways it gives 
rise to the thought that there 

206
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,800
is permission for you to receive
what you need. 

207
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,440
Did you hear what I said? 
For those in the back, it gives 

208
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:06,840
rise. 
It gives rise for the potential 

209
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:16,240
of what you need being received.
Wow, imagine that. 

210
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:24,880
So I want you all to have some 
reflection time after this 

211
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:30,160
podcast episode and I want you 
to share this podcast episode. 

212
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:41,800
I want you to be thinking about 
if yourself Sabotage could speak

213
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:55,440
to you, what would it say? 
What advice would it give to 

214
00:20:55,440 --> 00:21:02,880
you? 
On that note, have a blessed 

215
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:03,280
week.