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Welcome to Dear Social Worker, Let's Talk Podcast, the podcast
that prioritises you, the person behind the title.
I'm your host, Lisa Ann Edwards, and I'm excited to bring you a
topic that we haven't discussed before.
Why do we repeat unhealthy behaviours?
Let's talk Why do we repeat unhealthy patterns of behaviour?
I've been having a lot of coaching conversations this week
and a common denominator has been the repetition of
behaviours, thoughts or actions that are unhealthy.
This is something called in psychology as repetition,
compulsion, and essentially it's repeating a pattern which is
acted out through processes such as displacement or projection
and it's described as an unconscious Dr. toward self
destruction. I've seen this in so many places
this week I was drawn to create this episodes just to offer some
support, encouragement and opportunity for reflection to
really think about what this is and why it keeps showing up.
So in a coaching session that I had earlier this week, and for
those who don't know, I am a Trauma Informed Leadership
Development Coach and I am the founder of Social Work Coaching
hub.com offering coaching this podcast that you're listening to
books and publications to help make your life just that little
bit simpler and help you stay organised.
When we're thinking about repetition compulsion, I want to
start with displacement. So it's almost like experiencing
or treating a person as if they were another.
And projection is about projecting your feelings,
thoughts, influences perhaps onto another person.
Now on the coaching session I had recently, we recognised that
this happened at home and at work and it happened in such an
unconscious, hidden way it was quite shocking when it was found
the same repeated patterns were showing up, the same emotions
were showing up, it was just different people and different
circumstances. But when we looked underneath
what was happening on the surface, we found it was a
repeated pattern of emotions that was happening and that was
linked to displacement and projection.
When the coachee realised what was happening then we were able
to dig a bit deeper and say where did this begin, when did
it start and how do I work through this?
Because I'm recognising the same emotions, the same pattern, the
same responses are showing up time and time again, and
although it's with different people in different places, the
emotions, the strong negative emotions were the same.
And what we have to think about here is, why are you listening
to this particular episode? What drew you to the title of
this episode Coaching, I have to refer to as a mirror?
You've got to be in a space where you're ready to hold up
that mirror. You've got to be OK with looking
at yourself and seeing the great parts of you, the potential of
you and the parts that need growth, the unseen parts.
It's almost like a blind spot in your windscreen, your
windscreen, your wing mirror in your car.
And once you find the blind spot, once you find kind of
those hidden parts, what do you do with them?
Do you just sit with them? Do you judge them?
Do you avoid them? Do you fight them?
Let's come back to why we repeat patterns.
What is repetition compulsion all about and why is there a
unconscious Dr. towards self destruction?
I'm going to share an example here of someone who struggles to
set boundaries and as a result of struggling to set boundaries,
most of their thoughts and feelings, they remain internal,
They're not expressed. And when we have unexpressed
emotions, you could argue that anything can happen, right?
Because they can come out in any way, at any time by anyone who
may activate that emotion in you, that feeling in you.
So imagine you've got all these emotions inside of you that have
been built up for whatever reason, wherever they may have
come from, and they just remain dormant until it's activated
again. What happens with that process
is that those emotions, those unprocessed emotions, they're
always going to be there, almost like just waiting for someone or
something to click the button and activate it.
Guess we need to look at how do we gain more control of that?
How do we get in front of it? Can we get in front of it?
The thing is with repetition, compulsion is that it's often
predicated on the subconscious. And if the subconscious is over
80% of our thoughts, actions and behaviour, how likely is it for
us to step out of that repeated cycle?
First of all, as mentioned, you've got to be ready to pick
the mirror up, look at yourself, look at the blind spots and then
you've got to decide what to do with them.
Now, as a coach, of course, I would encourage you to work
through them. But if you're not ready to, you
also need to be honest with yourself and say I'm, I'm not
ready to deal with that right now, but for the sake of this
podcast, let's say you are. Where do you begin?
Well, I would say start with the name of the emotion that you're
feeling. Name the emotion.
And I'm not talking about words like happy, sad, angry.
We want emotions with depth. Proud, trusting, disappointed.
That word is going to give you more clarity, and that clarity
is going to raise yourself awareness.
Now, if we're using the example of internalizing feelings, not
expressing ourselves, not having boundaries, let's think about,
and this is what I say in a coaching session, how does that
serve you? What are you getting from that?
If our subconscious is over 80% of what we of our thoughts,
action and behaviour, then it's likely we are getting something
from that, whether we like it or not.
In some cases what you're getting from that is avoiding
conflict. What you're getting from that is
avoiding having a conversation. The answer to that question is
individual to you and that's where I would start.
Then we would look at what is the impact of this repeated
cycle, What is the impact of displacement or projection and
transference? Who is it impacting?
In some coaching sessions, when we've really explored that
question, it's found that of course the impact is on the
coachee. But actually their responses has
had a ripple effect on the people they have the most
interaction with. And as such, the people they're
having the most interaction with, They are responding to the
repetition compulsion that is happening subconsciously with
you. But of course, as we know, on
the surface, it may show up as something else, it may show up
as anger and what we have to think of.
What are we getting? What are we getting when we are
repeating this cycle? When you recognize how it's
serving you, whether you like it or not, and you're able to work
from that space. But ultimately, the benefit of
the repetition compulsion is likely to be stronger than the
consequences of not repeating the cycle.
So I use the analogy with my coaching clients all the time
and I know they'll listen to this and chuckle.
It's just like being on a diet. Someone comes into the office
with biscuits and cakes and you're like, Oh my goodness,
I've got to be weighed tomorrow at Weight Watchers or Slimming
World or whatever. I really shouldn't eat this
cookie. Really shouldn't entertain this
cake. Let's let's Fast forward 2
minutes. You have right?
So now you're in a position where you've chosen the taste of
this cake, or perhaps the socialising with your workmates
over knowing over the your weight being more the next day
or the next two days over being accountable to the group that
you're going to be weighed with, like Weight Watchers or
whatever. So the preference for the cake
and the cookies, the chocolate, whatever the benefit of that,
the preference of that is greater than what's on the other
side. So therefore if 80% of our
thoughts, actions and behaviours are subconscious and you have
this repeated cycle happening in the background which is leading
the majority of our behaviours, then we're in a space where
we're doing these things unconsciously and it comes back
to what Freud believes about repetition.
Compulsion is that it was an unconscious Dr. towards self
destruction. I would love to hear your
thoughts on this episode and I would love for you to join me in
my networking group and social work coaching hub.com.
Join us a group of supported social workers there.
Access the downloadables, the videos.
If you want more of these type of episodes but on a deeper
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Get involved. This is how you're going to
evolve and grow. I pray that this episode has
been a blessing to you. God bless and have a blessed
week.