1 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:20,000 And Danielle and I'd like you to to think about the last year, 2 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,160 right? We're at the end of the month, 3 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:24,520 end of the year, and I want you to try to reflect on the last 4 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:28,320 year. All of us have beliefs about 5 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,440 what we think will make us happy. 6 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,480 And over the last year, you've engaged in a variety of 7 00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:38,000 activities that you presumably thought would make you happy. 8 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:42,960 You know, and Buddhism argues that what will make us happy is 9 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:47,840 suppressing our craving, aversion and delusion, which is 10 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,240 not always what we think will make us happy. 11 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:53,200 So I'd like for you to take a moment to just think about over 12 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:57,280 the last year, the kinds of things that you engaged in that 13 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:58,720 you thought would make you happy. 14 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,680 What evidence do you have that that actually made you happy? 15 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,040 Did it work? So were you right, the thing 16 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,680 that you thought would make you happy, did it make you happy? 17 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,200 Let you think about that for a minute. 18 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,600 Anything that you can think of over the last year that you 19 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,600 tried because you thought it would make you happy, did it 20 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:40,040 make you happy? If it did make you happy, was 21 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:44,440 there any elements of you trying to avoid craving aversion or 22 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:50,200 delusion that contributed to you becoming happier because you did 23 00:01:50,200 --> 00:02:05,130 that thing? If the thing or things you tried 24 00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:09,370 didn't make you happy, was it because we were trying to do 25 00:02:09,370 --> 00:02:15,160 something that was steeped in craving aversion or delusion? 26 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:36,040 I'm going to open this up a little early to all of you for 27 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:39,480 us to have more of a discussion about this in this kind of 28 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:43,240 reflective way. Pragmatism just asks us to look 29 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:47,640 for evidence of our beliefs. So we started off you thinking 30 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:50,400 about and you can, if you couldn't come up with anything 31 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,400 in particular that you believed would make you happy and that 32 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,440 either did or didn't, you can start exploring your beliefs 33 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,800 right now. There are things that you 34 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,800 already believe that will be true to make to make me happy. 35 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,600 So we can start thinking about those. 36 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,000 And I'm going to open it up and I'd like for you to feel free to 37 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,360 share if anything came up for you. 38 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,480 When you think back on this last year, is there anything that you 39 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:18,400 did that gave you evidence that this is a good pass for you? 40 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,320 Whatever it was that you were doing, there's something that 41 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,600 you did that provided you with joy or peacefulness or 42 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,400 happiness. Is there anything that you did 43 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:30,480 that provided you with evidence that that is not the path to joy 44 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:34,360 or peacefulness or happiness? Because we're moving into a new 45 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,760 year. So in the new year, we have an 46 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,000 opportunity to engage in new behaviors. 47 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:44,360 If we look back on our last year and think about what we already 48 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:47,840 tried, if you already can find evidence that something you 49 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:52,280 tried didn't work to provide you the kind of peace or joy or 50 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,560 happiness that you were searching for, maybe don't keep 51 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:56,720 doing that thing in the new year. 52 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:01,240 Maybe try something else. On the other hand, if you did 53 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:05,600 try things that did bring you joy, those are probably things 54 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,160 that you want to bring forward that you want to keep doing in 55 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,600 the year. So I'll turn it over to you. 56 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,800 What do you have? When you speak, please start 57 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,240 with your name. So we need to know you a little 58 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,399 bit better now. This time is yours. 59 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,279 I questioned it. I heard you say at very 60 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:24,640 beginning that. The purpose is to. 61 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:28,840 Repress those things. I didn't know that was our 62 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:33,000 assignment. I thought it was just an 63 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:37,680 awareness. So when I'm having a bad 64 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:46,800 unhappiness, said she. I say, where am I doing one of 65 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:52,960 those three things? Here it is, but I didn't repress 66 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,240 it. I said like hello to. 67 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,640 So I don't at all. I didn't mean to use the word 68 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,880 repress if I did, but we need to, but the but we do need to to 69 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:07,240 fight against it. So we are one of the problems is 70 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,720 the idea with Buddhism and being aware in it. 71 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:13,280 Aware of things is aware for what purpose it's we're being 72 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,920 aware so that we can lean into the things that are healthy for 73 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,760 us and that we can lean away from the things that are not 74 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,480 healthy for us. So the idea with, you know, 75 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,400 craving an aversion and delusion, we want to do those 76 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,480 less. That means don't, don't give in 77 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,040 to your craving and your aversions and your delusions 78 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,080 means become aware of them. You can sit with them so that 79 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:38,440 you can become aware, but then stop doing that, start doing 80 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:39,720 something that's healthier, right? 81 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,280 Because the more we do something, the better we get at 82 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:43,960 it. And most of us have gotten 83 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,720 really, really skilled at giving into our cravings and aversions 84 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,760 and delusions. We have a lot of practice, most 85 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:53,520 of us, that's most of our lives. And so we're really good at 86 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,400 that. So becoming aware that we're 87 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:59,440 doing it is first, and then replacing those unhelpful 88 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:02,400 behaviors with more healthful behaviors is what we're trying 89 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,840 to do. So I don't know if that helps. 90 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:12,760 It does because my focus isn't on repressive things. 91 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:17,480 It's to suffer less. To suffer less, I have to be 92 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:28,200 aware of how I got there, to suffer in dealing with life for 93 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,520 my sisters or whatever. And that I can say. 94 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:37,200 There it is and. Aborting. 95 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:41,760 Something or. Delusions, those are good in the 96 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,280 family. And so just by seeing that, I 97 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:52,080 can then decide to do the actual thing, which is either to 98 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:58,520 continue doing it or whatever, remove myself from this issue or 99 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:06,640 stay less longer. And anyway, so it it helps, 100 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:08,680 yeah. Yeah, I think the same. 101 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,680 The idea of becoming aware of these is so that we can stop 102 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,880 doing them. And that's kind of the goal for 103 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,840 for all of these. But to your point, they're going 104 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,360 to come up, right. It's part of being human is the 105 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,640 having the cravings and aversions and delusions. 106 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,560 So. So the idea is not to ignore 107 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,200 them and pretend like they don't exist. 108 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,160 Like here it comes. I'm not going to give in to this 109 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,600 craving or this aversion or this delusion. 110 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,640 I'm going to work towards, you know, if I'm trying to avoid 111 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,040 something, I'm going to turn around and face it. 112 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,000 If I'm craving something, I'm going to let it go. 113 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,680 Like the action part that you were talking about South, Like 114 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,760 repress in that context isn't the right word because 115 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,400 repression in implies that you're kind trying to ignore it 116 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,680 and pretend that it doesn't exist. 117 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,120 And maybe it's so I say suppress. 118 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:52,680 I don't know what I said exactly. 119 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:53,520 Suppress. Is the word. 120 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:58,720 I also thought it was a little the lens I see it through. 121 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:06,720 But but yeah, but lesson is maybe ineffectual. 122 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:10,720 Like that's the word I hear in my head to lessen Craig, to 123 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,920 lessen delusion. I know. 124 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:18,160 Yeah, maybe that's like a nice gentle word that I'm like only 125 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:23,160 half the don't that mossinee. Great. 126 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,960 Only one. I mean, it's a good start. 127 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,880 And this is, we say this a lot, if that's the door that you need 128 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:33,559 to open to start walking in that half, that's good. 129 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,720 One of the problems though, again, this is one of the 130 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:38,880 reasons why it's good to reflect and to kind of think about this. 131 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,400 One of the problems is that when we do a half assed job of 132 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,960 something and it works in 1/2 assed sort of way, we're like, 133 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,640 yeah, OK, I guess that's good enough. 134 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:49,680 And what we need to do is like, oh, but it's only working half 135 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,760 as good as it could. So maybe I could try to do 136 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:56,360 something that would actually benefit me, be healthier, more 137 00:08:56,360 --> 00:09:05,800 skillful. Micah, two things for the first 138 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:11,960 thing is I feel like the awareness itself lessens it kind 139 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,920 of by default, at least in my experience. 140 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:20,000 Like my awareness of whatever craving automatically is like, 141 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:25,880 oh, like you're doing that thing like, and then yeah, from there, 142 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,920 I don't know. I just said by default it kind 143 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:33,120 of lessons to a certain extent. But what I was going to say is a 144 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:39,560 lot of my craving, I feel like, or suffering related to craving 145 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:45,160 has to do with I think ultimately trying to like solve 146 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:50,160 loneliness. And so, for example, like the 147 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:54,000 first half of this year, I was like going out a decent amount 148 00:09:54,400 --> 00:10:00,840 and hanging out with people who they're not like bad people or 149 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,440 whatever, but they're just like not people that I only prefer to 150 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:09,080 hang out with. And to a certain extent, I feel 151 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:14,680 like that was I I like realized like this is not what I want to 152 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,480 be doing. This is not ultimately making me 153 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:20,640 happy and over time to kind of form like, well, I just 154 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:24,880 genuinely needed like genuine companions, genuine connection 155 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:29,440 with someone and like that is what makes me happy like more 156 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:33,760 than almost anything else. And so I was able to be like, 157 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,960 oh, I have that knees people. I don't need to like go out with 158 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:41,800 this guy every week or whatever because you know, he believes 159 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,560 these things and I like that he says these things. 160 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,600 I don't like that. I don't need to like crave for. 161 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:54,160 It's so much to like and like, sacrifice my values or whatever. 162 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,880 I don't know, that's something. For me this year. 163 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:07,000 And once a really good one, I think because so many of us like 164 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,480 trying to figure out the difference between craving and 165 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,760 need, especially when it comes to like, you know, interaction 166 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,680 with other humans. I think a lot of people trying 167 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,720 to figure out like, how do you find that balance? 168 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,240 Because we need other people, like humans or social animals, 169 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:24,600 we need other people. And how do you know that your 170 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,880 desire to connect with someone is based on that need for human 171 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:31,280 connection versus the craving that we have? 172 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:33,040 Like, I want to be with this person. 173 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,320 I want to do this thing. And I think that that is part of 174 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,240 the practice is try to figure that out. 175 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,880 Like, of course we need to connect to other humans, even 176 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,400 though we should also recognize that there's pain down that 177 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,120 path, right? But also necessary, right? 178 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,160 Like connecting to other people is necessary, even if it's going 179 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:52,440 to be sometimes painful. But then figuring out, is this 180 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,200 like a healthy connection that I'm trying to make? 181 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,200 Or is this an unhealthy or unskillful connection that I'm 182 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,320 trying to make? And that's one of the reasons 183 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,720 that I find Buddhism helpful and frustrating at the same time, 184 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:05,840 because it's not like there's a cut and tried answer. 185 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,080 These are good people and these are bad people. 186 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,320 You have to kind of work through it to figure out like, no, this 187 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,920 person is not good for me. I need human open connection and 188 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:18,360 I for whatever reason, I'm craving time with this person, 189 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,280 but it's not helpful, it's not good for me. 190 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:24,640 So I need to let go of that and find a way to connect to people. 191 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,280 Even though it doesn't look exactly the way that I thought, 192 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,640 I think for me that ends up being the difference between 193 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:36,840 craving and need is if I have a very particular like person, 194 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,080 place, thing, image, it has to be just this way. 195 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,240 That tends to be for me, that's a craving driven thing thing. 196 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,920 If it's like I, I need to have connection, a human connection 197 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:53,400 to somebody, that's a much like softer, quieter understanding of 198 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:55,440 something and it's much broader too. 199 00:12:55,440 --> 00:13:00,880 So usually I have to kind of do some reflection to figure out if 200 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:04,120 this is based on craving or if this is based on need, but 201 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:12,080 that's what we're here for. Then just for the copy I. 202 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:17,360 Think it really is what I'll be like speaking about in the past 203 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:21,640 year. One thing, one of the few things 204 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:27,360 that make me happy is develop habit or exercise every day. 205 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:31,520 And the one thing that made me not happy is dieting. 206 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,600 So also for these two things are actually for the same purpose, 207 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:43,560 which is body. And then I I feel like I believe 208 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:50,600 human are superior than animals and I think what's separate me 209 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:58,480 from animals are self regulation so not to suppress the creepy 210 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:04,400 instinct. So I guess exercising regularly 211 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:10,440 is to suppress the laziness or steadiness. 212 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:16,120 And dieting is another way to surpass freely or food. 213 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,680 But exercise make me happy because scientific 214 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:23,600 scientifically, that's the right thing to do. 215 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:30,920 And also keep keep keep my like keep me healthy physically. 216 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:38,840 But dieting make me unhappy because one thing like I tried 217 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:43,800 the kettle and there's something like eating fasting, those kind 218 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:49,160 of played great with my mind that make me craving more the 219 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:53,000 for the nutrient which is supposed to be statue over my 220 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:57,360 body. So it's unhealthy kind of diet. 221 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:01,200 So I think I'm not going to do that next year. 222 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:04,480 And love. Yeah. 223 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,720 So. So, yeah, I think for all of us, 224 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,640 it really is about like fine tuning our awareness about like 225 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,720 what is good for us and what isn't good for us so that we can 226 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,400 see it more clearly, like as it's happening. 227 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,600 And it, that's one of the reasons that we sit and we 228 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:29,120 practice and we reflect so that when something happens, right, 229 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,360 while it's happening, we might be able to have a greater 230 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,200 awareness of like, oh, I actually really don't like this. 231 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,440 This feels really bad. This is like causing me harm or 232 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,400 I don't like this. But this is really necessary for 233 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,800 me. And it's a, it's a challenge. 234 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:46,600 It's a challenge to, to gain enough awareness of as something 235 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:50,080 is happening, if it's good for us or not. 236 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:54,240 And that's why we practice so that we can keep that muscle of 237 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:58,600 that reflection muscle and awareness muscle more present, 238 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:03,360 more active. I thought the experiment is 239 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:09,520 interesting because I had a This year was a rather significant 240 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:14,800 year. I got married and I'm It was 241 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:19,280 joyful, wonderful. It was. 242 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,040 Hard to detach from craving. I. 243 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:33,120 But but not in the same way like it was. 244 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,360 I wanted to be with my family and my friends and my loved ones 245 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:44,040 and have a meaningful exchange of love and my wife. 246 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:52,600 And it was wonderful. It was at 12 or 11 or 14 because 247 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,800 there was just this like intense. 248 00:16:56,360 --> 00:17:05,680 This is good times. And so then next year I'm not 249 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,960 going to get married, but I will be married. 250 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:11,720 I think that's a better plan. Like no you. 251 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:15,800 Want to get remarried already? No. 252 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:23,760 So I'm, I'm doing the math of all that and I recognize the, 253 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:30,160 the moments that I crave are I think James said something, or 254 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,200 maybe it was everybody has about the opposite of addiction is 255 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:39,320 connection and connection is this like grounded, meaningful 256 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:42,920 thing. And I, I feel that like 257 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,680 addiction is craving by definition. 258 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:54,960 And the wedding was just as much connection as it's like a fit in 259 00:17:54,960 --> 00:18:01,040 a, in a room of that size. Oh, so I suppose that that was 260 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,600 separate. I don't, I don't think I like 261 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:09,640 the gravity of the wedding. I think what I'm trying to say 262 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:18,320 is that you can have wonderful, joyful, huge things without 263 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:28,200 having them based in craving and diction and delusion and all 264 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,960 that stuff. Because this wasn't. 265 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,720 This was like a year. Of planning or like 9 months 266 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,320 planning. But it was also the 40 years of 267 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,640 living the lead up to this moment. 268 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:46,800 Not like the energy put into it was returned, but there. 269 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,320 Was a lot of energy. It was put into. 270 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:57,760 Over at R2 so well, that's good news. 271 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:06,680 We can have huge wonderful Saints of art necessarily stain 272 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:14,560 with the cloth and craver. And that's, I mean, that's 273 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,040 exactly what we're going for, right? 274 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,040 You know, there's that, there's that saying like before you're 275 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,040 enlightened, you sweep the floor. 276 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,000 After you're enlightened, you sweep the floor. 277 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:27,200 And the idea is, yes, you can have an experience and it's 278 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,800 exactly the same experience before you're grounded as after 279 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,640 you're grounded, but you experience it differently, 280 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:34,960 right? So there are plenty of people 281 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:39,200 that have a wedding and it's all about craving an aversion and 282 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,880 delusion and they're like stressed and angry and like it's 283 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,800 just, and it's not a it's not a joyful day, right? 284 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,080 I mean, but at some point they're like, it's yeah, this is 285 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,320 joyful. But why isn't it working this 286 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,160 way in that way? Or you can have an experience 287 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,360 where like things, well, things don't aren't perfect. 288 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,720 It didn't work out exactly well, but look at all these great 289 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,120 things that happened. So that's kind of what we're 290 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:01,520 going for is that for us to have that kind of groundedness and 291 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,760 awareness and recognize like there are joyful things that are 292 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,160 going to happen and we can experience those joyful things 293 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,600 in an appropriate way. Without letting it throw us off 294 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,200 balance. Because the idea about that 295 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,960 we're trying to practice in Buddhism is to allow us to be 296 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:20,120 kind of grounded, to be stable so that you can enjoy the good 297 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,480 things and you can experience the bad things. 298 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,600 But neither one of them throws you off kilter so that you're 299 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:29,280 like scrambling around and trying to find your footing 300 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,400 again. I mean, I so this year my mother 301 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,720 passed away and that was another like, like a horrible 302 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,160 experience, but I could kind of be with it. 303 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,760 Like there was a lot of crying and there's a lot of emptiness. 304 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:45,960 But I could feel like, yeah, it's appropriate to be sad that 305 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,840 my mother is no longer here. It's appropriate to feel pain 306 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,720 that she's no longer in my life and to miss her. 307 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:56,320 But it doesn't mean that, like, my whole world is is falling 308 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,200 apart, even though it's sometimes feels like that, you 309 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,200 know, it was. I was really grateful actually, 310 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,600 for my Buddhist practice through all that because even though, 311 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,400 like, the emotions would, well up and I just start like, ugly 312 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:12,920 crying, I was like, yeah, that's an appropriate reaction to this 313 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,200 situation in this moment. And then it would pass, and I'd 314 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,440 let it pass, and then I could do normal things again, and then it 315 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,320 would come back. And then I have this other 316 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:24,280 experience. So it's in the same sort of way 317 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,240 like this. What I appreciate about Buddhism 318 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:30,240 is not that you should stop feeling, it's that you should 319 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:34,240 feel whatever is appropriate for that context. 320 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:38,080 And then examine is the context where you want to be right. 321 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:41,360 Because there's some things we put ourselves into situations 322 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:45,520 that cause us pain and suffering or cause us to key into like the 323 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,600 craving and delusion and that sort of stuff. 324 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:49,480 And that's something that we need to think about. 325 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:54,280 Do I, am I putting myself into a situation that is causing myself 326 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:58,360 suffering? Or is it just this suffering is 327 00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:01,760 part of the human existence and I need to learn how to navigate 328 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,080 through it? It's one of the things that I 329 00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:06,200 appreciate about this practice is gaining that kind of 330 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,840 awareness. But it does take time. 331 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,080 It takes kind of practice for us to figure it out. 332 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,520 And if you're anything like me and you are as good at lying to 333 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:20,600 yourself as you are, as I am the blind to myself, I would just 334 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,360 recommend that you listen to the stories that you tell yourself 335 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:28,520 and just become more aware when if you happen to do this, which 336 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:31,560 I have done plenty of times, if you use Buddhism as a weapon on 337 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,080 yourself, because I've done that plenty of times, like you 338 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,640 shouldn't be reacting that way. Where are you having that 339 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,160 feeling? Just be a Buddhist. 340 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,520 And I like wait, wait, wait, wait. 341 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,640 Buddhists feel too. And that's that's OK. 342 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,360 And allow yourself to feel and then flow through it. 343 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:55,480 I'm done. So Micah and Aaron, they both 344 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:59,320 said their day and I made some people from me and that like 345 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,720 earlier this year, I was trying to, you know, hang out with 346 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,520 different groups. And I kept noticing that like 347 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,360 with certain groups, like I would leave the interaction and 348 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:14,160 I would feel like empty. And then like I noticed, 349 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,560 remember I had the empty healing. 350 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,480 I would try to do something where he was like addictive in 351 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,440 nature and we're craving. Yes. 352 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,200 And with other groups or people, I hung out with them. 353 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,200 I just felt whole after the interaction and I could go home. 354 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,760 We just feel like perfectly content. 355 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:36,720 And that's something I've been thinking about for the past 356 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:40,480 couple of months of what I want to do shake up my who I am. 357 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:48,320 And I don't know, I'm just glad that you 2 spoil them back that 358 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:55,800 because I've made some. My name's Danielle, and I'm 359 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,160 thinking of two situations, and both of them are just kind of 360 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:01,240 complicated, so it's kind of hard to not go into the whole 361 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:06,200 story. But basically in one situation, 362 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:10,400 I finally realized that The reason I miss someone was 363 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:15,840 because I felt like an unhealthy attachment to this person and 364 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:20,640 that they were actually not very good to me. 365 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:26,200 But for some reason, because of probably a lot of baggage for my 366 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:32,880 childhood, I, I really want to make other people happy, right? 367 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:37,480 Like I really feel uncomfortable when people are not happy. 368 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:40,440 I think, you know, my parents were both just very unhappy 369 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,160 people and I was never able to make them happy. 370 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:46,360 So you can go to figure that out what I didn't. 371 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:51,680 And so I think very much so I kind of repeat that sort of 372 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:55,000 relationship pattern and it's hard for me to recognize it. 373 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,000 I think I'm getting better at it. 374 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:07,080 And I recently had a situation where it is really complicated. 375 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:13,080 But basically I was in a situation where somebody wanted 376 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:17,880 me to be disingenuous to someone else. 377 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:23,200 And it would have ultimately been for the greater good. 378 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,520 But it just made me feel really yucky. 379 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,560 And I had to be like, you know, it just doesn't align with my 380 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:33,640 values to milk somebody for information, even if I think 381 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:38,200 it's serving a higher purpose. And also I would be like using 382 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:44,320 that person and manipulating them and it would just not be 383 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,280 good for me. But then I had to really be 384 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:52,920 like, if I contact this person, this person is not is is not a 385 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,520 healthy person either. Like I could get into like a 386 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:59,320 whole unhealthy relationship trying to save this person, 387 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,560 right? And I had to be like, Yo, I 388 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,680 really want to help you out of this situation. 389 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,440 We have to set healthy boundaries. 390 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:10,680 And it was like the first time I've ever done that because 391 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,560 usually if there's somebody he means howl or sating or they're 392 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,920 unhappy, I feel like I have to go rescue them right now. 393 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:22,120 And I was like, wait, I have things Stew today, You know what 394 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:23,560 I mean? Like I can't just drop 395 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,480 everything and go have a cup of coffee with you. 396 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,800 You mean it's different if it was somebody I had a good 397 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:32,120 attachment to and I felt like we had a reciprocal relationship? 398 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:37,240 This person has portrayed me multiple times. 399 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:40,440 They're a terrible situation. I feel bad for them. 400 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:44,080 But at the same time, at some point, you have to be like, I'm 401 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:47,000 not going to make you Bambi, right? 402 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,080 And I don't want you to make me unhappy. 403 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:56,400 So like, we have to be able to trust each other, and we can't 404 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,240 just jump right into that, you know? 405 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,000 And then this person just kind of stopped responding to me 406 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,640 because I guess that was hard for them to be like, Oh yeah, I 407 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:13,160 did break your trust next size. So I I felt very proud of myself 408 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,280 for not, you know, just jumping into that situation to go have a 409 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:19,960 cup of coffee with someone when I had things in my life I had to 410 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:23,560 do. Because I feel like that I put 411 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:28,080 myself out there like that a lot for these unhealthy attachments 412 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:30,560 because I feel like I'm going to get something from it, but I 413 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,240 never really do. Yeah. 414 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,680 It just end up really I now be sound. 415 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,960 So I feel like. Making progress. 416 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:47,040 I think your story and Tony's story really are about 417 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,600 awareness, that awareness part, like just becoming more aware of 418 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,760 how other people affect us, other people, places or things 419 00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:56,320 affect us. And for those of us who are kind 420 00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:59,720 of cut off from our own emotions or our own body, that can be 421 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,200 difficult, right? Because we don't even 422 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,360 necessarily recognize like I'm having an emotional reaction and 423 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,080 I'm like, no, no, everything is fine. 424 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,400 There's no until like days later when I was like, I'm really 425 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,920 upset about something. So increasing awareness can 426 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:16,120 really help with that. I think the other part that you 427 00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:18,960 both talked about really was kind of a boundary setting 428 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:22,400 thing, which can be really difficult for a lot of people 429 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:24,880 and it's difficult for other people. 430 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:28,040 So one of the challenges is that, you know, we have 431 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:32,080 relationships, we have patterns of behavior that people kind of 432 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:36,640 have expected of us and maybe we weren't as skillful and yet that 433 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:39,080 that now has developed the pattern of behavior they've come 434 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,040 to expect from us. And when we start to get a 435 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,080 little bit more skillful in the way that we think of things, a 436 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:48,160 little bit more aware of how things are affecting us, if we 437 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:52,800 do set boundaries, sometimes people don't respond well. 438 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:55,360 I mean, they might just be like, oh, OK, well, I get it. 439 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,440 That's a boundary. Now I'm going to peace out. 440 00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:01,880 Otherwise they they might keep engaging in the same behaviors 441 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,720 because they just expect you to respond the way that you always 442 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,360 have. And that creates its own sort of 443 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,200 challenge. So this is one of the reasons 444 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:13,240 why I wanted to talk about stuff like this in the last months of 445 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,760 the year, because my hope is we can start really thinking about 446 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:18,160 that. You know, new year is a new 447 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:21,160 time, starting to think about like what I might do 448 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:25,120 differently. So it gives us a big kind of 449 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:27,760 reset. Perhaps you can start thinking 450 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:30,840 about things like that, but they don't just happen by themselves. 451 00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:34,600 But it takes a lot of effort for us to kind of redirect and, and 452 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:37,520 do things differently because we do have, there's so much 453 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,560 momentum from our habitual ways of being. 454 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:44,200 It's it's difficult to redirect ourselves in a new way. 455 00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:47,160 So increasing our awareness is part of it. 456 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:49,840 I would also throw in, it's really helpful for us to think 457 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:52,920 about the acceptance action, but parts because I think that 458 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:55,440 that's all, they're all kind of connected and if you want to 459 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:58,240 really navigate through it kind of works all together. 460 00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:02,880 I just want to say something about kind of the juxtaposition 461 00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:10,360 of of diet and exercise daily minutiae activity of making 462 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:13,800 choices in every dinner table or every time you get up in the 463 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:19,280 morning and do or do not engage in the exercise versus taking a 464 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:22,880 big relationship that's going to have a heavyweight on your life 465 00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:27,440 and setting a man with it. And both of those are weighted 466 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:32,440 with the virgin and and craving it and all that. 467 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:34,760 But one is a little thing you have to do everyday. 468 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:40,480 And what is the thing that this just a massive weight to do once 469 00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:45,520 and I don't know. Yeah, I don't know what I'm 470 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,880 saying exactly that that is the fact that both of those things 471 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:54,840 or the slang between them are a thing that it's it's really hard 472 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:58,840 to stay on task at the little minutiae of everything. 473 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:05,360 And while it's a small thing. For me, I always feel. 474 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:08,640 So I could get a sense of victory out of setting a 475 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:12,880 boundary or somebody or doing a big thing and then that helps me 476 00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:18,440 carry forward. But it's very hard for me to to 477 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,160 take the little things and add them up. 478 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:24,920 And so so I guess it's more of a question of how do we how do we 479 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:27,560 take the little things and out of up because it's bad. 480 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:33,880 We always we're biased towards the tiger and not without. 481 00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:37,960 Maybe they don't know the tiger, not the asparagus. 482 00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:45,240 Aaron, I found that like if you can make those little friends, 483 00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,280 not even a choice. Like it makes it easier. 484 00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:57,720 Like I'll use diet ice. If you want to always eat a good 485 00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:05,360 breakfast, then, like, remove the decision from your life to 486 00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:08,320 where you even have the choice of eating your breakfast or so 487 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:10,000 like, meal prep. Yeah. 488 00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:13,240 Like I have. I prep the week's worth of 489 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,760 smoothies the week ahead, and it's like, that's my breakfast. 490 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:18,760 I don't even have to make a choice to think about it. 491 00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:22,280 I just put my smoothie on the blender and then drink. 492 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:27,160 Yeah. It's like the fewer choices that 493 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:29,440 I have to make, the easier Adele. 494 00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:34,880 So that works for me. So this kind of, I mean, that's 495 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:37,000 a little bit about the appropriate action thing. 496 00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:40,000 And this is one of the challenges that sometimes like 497 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:44,800 an appropriate action requires like several pre actions that 498 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:46,720 you kind of have to queue up ahead of time. 499 00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:49,440 And that's part of the challenge because then it can start to get 500 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:52,080 overwhelming like, Oh no, then I like if I want to have good 501 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,240 breakfast, then I have to do the meal prep and that means I have 502 00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:56,800 to go to bed on time. That means I, you know, which is 503 00:32:56,800 --> 00:33:00,760 true and all that's true, but but it is, it's an important 504 00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:03,560 part of like navigating through life and figuring out how you're 505 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:04,880 going to, to navigate through that. 506 00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:07,720 So how you do it, there's lots of people that can give you 507 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:11,400 tips, but that's one of the things that's like the Sanga or 508 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,640 some other community, right, can help with those things that are 509 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,320 difficult for us to do on our own, whatever that means. 510 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,920 Maybe you should just call it Tony and be like, Tony, it's 511 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:21,640 Sunday. I don't want to do this meal 512 00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:23,400 prep. Tell me to do the meal prep and 513 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:26,400 Tony can be like, dude, do the meal prep because you're going 514 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:28,320 to be regretting it on Wednesday morning if you don't. 515 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:32,600 To bring the atomic habit. Yeah, when the atomic it's 516 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:33,800 about. It is that a book. 517 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:42,000 My year went better by establishing the pause when 518 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:45,320 texty. So I'm a blurter. 519 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:49,040 I like to blurt. I have good advice just there. 520 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:55,800 This year, the pause if I don't know exactly what to say. 521 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,960 What down the phone? It'll come to me and by 522 00:33:59,960 --> 00:34:08,960 communication is where I caused the suffering is because the 523 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:14,880 goal of the communication was the wrong threat and I didn't 524 00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:21,679 really want to do it like that. I really wanted it to go like 525 00:34:21,679 --> 00:34:25,320 this, but it's too late because I already got sent. 526 00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:32,440 So by pausing I asked myself what is my intention of this 527 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:39,400 communication and then I could check it later or a moment 528 00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:41,560 later. But end it the pause, not teen 529 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:43,760 in the pause. This year it brings better 530 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,760 happiness. Because you're not, like, 531 00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:49,239 reacting, right? You're like pausing and saying, 532 00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:51,719 like, I'm going to make a conscious decision to be 533 00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:54,239 intentional at this. Yeah. 534 00:34:54,679 --> 00:34:55,560 Yes. Intention. 535 00:34:55,679 --> 00:34:59,640 Yes. Yeah, I am the problems. 536 00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,360 We, most of us do. It's one of the reasons that we 537 00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:07,280 come and we sit here for 40 minutes is because it gives us 538 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:09,360 practice. Like look, I don't have to react 539 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:12,440 to everything all the time. I have experience of sitting and 540 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:15,000 not reacting to things for 40 minutes. 541 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:18,960 So I cannot react to this text or message or e-mail or whatever 542 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,400 else. I know that I have the capacity 543 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:24,600 in me to not react. I just have to practice that. 544 00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:28,360 Just not react. Honestly, authentically, 545 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,280 truthfully, and if you. Blurt. 546 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,760 You've missed your chance to. Tell you all those 3. 547 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:35,160 Things it's. True. 548 00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:38,720 I think for me it's like I'm emotional, right? 549 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:45,320 Like I'm kind of in this like I don't want to say fight or 550 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:47,920 flight, That's a little extreme, but I definitely have like this 551 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:52,560 anxiety about it like, and I'm just like, you know, I'm going 552 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:56,480 to go with the first thing I feel, which is sometimes not the 553 00:35:56,480 --> 00:36:00,360 best way to get way the results that you want. 554 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:02,360 Although at the end of the day, me too. 555 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:07,440 It's just like letting go. The fact that no matter what you 556 00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:11,080 say, you really can't control the situation or how other 557 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:14,120 people feel or except. That we want to do it with 558 00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:17,760 kindness, with grace. We don't want to hurt their 559 00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:21,040 feelings, to cause other people to suffer. 560 00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:24,720 I don't want to dump stupid stuff. 561 00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:28,200 They don't know what to do with it, so I want to do. 562 00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:31,760 Then I just said gentle listen and. 563 00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:37,880 I, I've actually been trying to use other people and AI to help 564 00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:40,360 with this, especially with work stuff, because work stuff 565 00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:42,400 happens. People do stupid things at work. 566 00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:45,920 I'm just telling you and they say very mean stupid things and 567 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,360 I'm and I'm a boss. So I would just want to be like, 568 00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:51,360 that was a stupid thing you do. Why do you do stupid things? 569 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:54,360 Why are you so stupid? Stop being stupid. 570 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,960 And then I will put it in ChatGPT and I'll be like, I 571 00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:01,880 need, I need to criticize this person for this thing, but I 572 00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:04,920 need it to be in a way that they can hear it and then it'll give 573 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:07,680 me some suggestions. And I was like, OK, step back. 574 00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:11,360 I can say this in another way because one of the things when 575 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:14,600 you have like a reaction, an emotional reaction or whatever, 576 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:17,640 it's like, it's hard to get past this idea of like, oh, this 577 00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:19,920 person's doing this thing and I have to tell them this thing, 578 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:22,400 you know? And, and it can take a while for 579 00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,840 you to like step back. Meditation can help with that 580 00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:28,200 and all that stuff. But before, AII would send my 581 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:32,560 emails to one of my colleagues and she would be like, maybe you 582 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,920 don't want to say it that way. Great. 583 00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:38,200 You know, so this is like you can find other people that can 584 00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:40,400 help you with exactly that moment. 585 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:42,480 It's the same sort of pause, right? 586 00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:45,000 It's the same idea. What do you need to like step 587 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:49,200 back from that situation so you can kind of reset and then re 588 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:52,920 engage. And sometimes we can't explain 589 00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:57,160 it to ourselves outside of the filter of whatever just happened 590 00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:59,480 to us, right? Sometimes it's just really 591 00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:02,320 helpful to be like, hey, this happened to me. 592 00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:04,040 Like this is how I want to react. 593 00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:05,920 What do you think? And then when somebody's like, 594 00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:09,560 and you're like, OK, I shouldn't react that way. 595 00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:11,480 I got what you're saying. React another way. 596 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:14,360 Something like that can be really helpful. 597 00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:16,600 But again, it's like getting it out of yourself. 598 00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:18,840 I think this is one of the problems that we have, 599 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:21,640 particularly in the US where we're like, I'm going to pull 600 00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:23,960 myself up by my bootstraps. I'm going to solve all the 601 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:26,840 problems. I am the solver of the problems 602 00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:28,080 of the world. I can do everything. 603 00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:31,840 I'm going to do it by myself. Great, you know, good, you know, 604 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:36,520 do do things by yourself. But we are not solitary animals. 605 00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:37,960 We are connected to other people. 606 00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:42,040 And it's really helpful to, even though it doesn't, you don't 607 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:44,760 want to because you want to be the solver of all the problems. 608 00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:48,760 It can be helpful to step back and be like one, is this my 609 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:52,760 problem to solve 2 do I need to solve it this way? 610 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:56,000 Three, maybe somebody else can help me think through how to 611 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,360 solve this other problem. It can be helpful. 612 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:01,120 Did you have something, Micah? Oh yeah. 613 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:05,440 I just wanted to touch on the thing I was talking about in 614 00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:10,560 terms of I feel like one of the most stressful things for me 615 00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:17,760 recently has been you can be totally aware, but you still 616 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:19,800 have your programming, right, which is what you're talking 617 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:21,480 about. Like a stuff that you've been 618 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:26,760 doing or this foreign vendor child by traumas and XY and Z 619 00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:30,240 and expectations and whatever that's been around for years. 620 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:35,560 And it's so deeply rooted in you that it's really not even, it's 621 00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:39,560 so hard to be intentional because it just happens like 622 00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:42,960 your reactions just happening before you even know you're 623 00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:45,520 doing it. It's just that strong inside you 624 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:53,840 and like compared to, let's say, like maybe a habit, a bad habit 625 00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:55,360 they picked up over the last year. 626 00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:58,040 Like I would imagine. Obviously I don't know what it 627 00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:02,480 is, but like that would be easier to like you aware and 628 00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:08,280 like the root on is deep, you know, meant I don't know. 629 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:11,880 I just think there's something to that like and I will say 630 00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:15,720 though, in my like recently like it has helped like. 631 00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:20,560 In, in my relationships, I've noticed like, OK, you're, you 632 00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:25,560 have been avoiding attachment style, but like, you know, 633 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:29,240 you're, you're, you're what you just said that's so you can like 634 00:40:29,240 --> 00:40:32,040 leave an out in a relationship as opposed to being like, you 635 00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:34,440 know what, I'm just going to ignore that then like fully 636 00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:38,000 commit or whatever. So I think it does still help. 637 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:41,760 But I think like that programming is hard and it's 638 00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,280 stressful because it's like, I know where, but it's still 639 00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:47,480 happening and I'm still reacting that way. 640 00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:52,120 Also, great job Sir, going against your PER. 641 00:40:52,720 --> 00:40:55,240 Well, yeah, no, I I definitely agree. 642 00:40:55,240 --> 00:40:58,280 It's, it's, it's so pro. And I think for me too, a lot of 643 00:40:58,280 --> 00:41:00,360 it's about safety, you know what I mean? 644 00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:03,160 Because when you're a kid and you're in an environment that 645 00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:08,960 isn't like safe, you figure out how to survive, you like adapt 646 00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:11,120 and then like that kept you alive. 647 00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:12,560 It's like part of your programming. 648 00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:15,560 And then you grow up and you're not in that weird ass situation 649 00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:21,400 anymore And you realize, oh, this is really destructive and I 650 00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:24,120 hurt people with this. And that's a really hard thing 651 00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,960 to really even admit to yourself, right? 652 00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:31,680 Like, I think I, I knew this at a certain level for a long time 653 00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:36,440 and really admitting it to myself and recognizing it is, 654 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:40,600 you know, of course, like when you look back at the past, you 655 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:42,760 can always be like, oh, well, why did I do that? 656 00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:44,560 Right. But when you're in that moment, 657 00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:48,120 yeah, it is really hard to be like, oh, I'm doing that. 658 00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:56,080 I think this is where like awareness needs acceptance, like 659 00:41:56,080 --> 00:42:00,840 concurrently, because like if you're aware and you're not 660 00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:03,320 accepting of it, like there's a strong tendency to shame 661 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:05,920 yourself, self abuse or whatever. 662 00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:09,240 And data like. I found that if you're able to 663 00:42:09,240 --> 00:42:12,440 couple those together, things come up. 664 00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:15,480 Better for sure. Yeah. 665 00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:18,320 Did you have something, Mary? Were you going to say something 666 00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:23,280 earlier? Not necessarily, but. 667 00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:26,680 I guess my my answer goes back to what you were saying before 668 00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:31,040 too, is that this year, probably for the first time in my life, 669 00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:35,440 I've had an actual consistent exercise practice and it's been 670 00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,160 great. Like learning, like I look 671 00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:41,640 forward to it because I can just feel my anxiety go down 672 00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,960 afterwards. I leave and just feel better. 673 00:42:46,240 --> 00:42:55,920 But talking about like awareness going, my work pays, pays us to 674 00:42:55,920 --> 00:43:00,240 do healthy adventure things. And one of them is like this 675 00:43:00,240 --> 00:43:02,920 class that talks about all these things you can do to be healthy. 676 00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:07,320 And so I've taken it like three years in a row because they give 677 00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:10,240 me money to do it. And this was probably the first 678 00:43:10,240 --> 00:43:12,240 year that I started implementing parts of it. 679 00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,000 But it's like you just like learn little things. 680 00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:19,120 And some of it you're like, oh, that's really cool. 681 00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:23,760 Like how less calories there are in honey compared to sugar. 682 00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:29,680 And I have like this knowledge that I don't like use but but 683 00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:33,680 the exercise part I started actually doing and but it's been 684 00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:38,840 really nice. Sweet, could you define craving? 685 00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:40,440 Craving. Yeah. 686 00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:42,800 Is it the same as? Longy I feel like it's. 687 00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:45,440 Donuts, but she just really wants them. 688 00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:47,480 It's. Donuts. 689 00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:52,280 Yeah, I mean, it can be longing, but the idea with craving is 690 00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:54,880 like it's about want versus need. 691 00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:59,520 So it's about wanting things to be a particular way or in a 692 00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:02,040 particular shape or at a particular time or you know, 693 00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:05,760 like the the particular side. That's often about craving that 694 00:44:06,200 --> 00:44:08,720 need like I need. To go to the gym, is that a 695 00:44:08,720 --> 00:44:11,000 craving or a need? It's probably a need. 696 00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:13,040 I mean, this is one of the things that you kind of have to 697 00:44:13,040 --> 00:44:16,520 assess that for yourself. I mean, for some people, going 698 00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:19,600 to the gym is a craving and not necessarily a need. 699 00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,120 You can go too hard even on the healthy stuff. 700 00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:24,240 And we've seen socialize at the gym too much. 701 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:28,200 Yeah. It is an escape from other 702 00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:30,680 obligations. Yeah, exactly right. 703 00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:36,360 Yeah, so we'll close. And when we close, we like to 704 00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:40,480 say, may the fruit of our practice extend to all living 705 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:41,920 beings, Swaha.