1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:14,120 I'm Danielle. A lot of times when I talk about 2 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,960 meditation benefits of Dharma practice, I talk about the one 3 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:22,080 of the benefits being increasing our tolerance for discomfort or 4 00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:25,280 for ambiguity. And this came up a little bit 5 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:27,280 last week and it may, I have been thinking about it for a 6 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:31,680 while because some of us have histories where we've been 7 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:38,000 taught or learned how to sit with discomfort at our own, at 8 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,600 our own expense, not our own growth. 9 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:44,040 And so I think that I would, I would like to talk about is kind 10 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:48,200 of the difference between the, the kind of discomfort that we 11 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:52,160 want to sit with that will lead toward wisdom and versus the 12 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,480 kind of discomfort that is likely to cause us harm. 13 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,760 And probably we shouldn't sit with it. 14 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,280 And if then maybe it's easier for you to discern the 15 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,120 difference between those than it is for me. 16 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,720 So we'll have a discussion about this because I, it's, it's 17 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,880 always been difficult for me. I, I think I've shared 18 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:12,160 previously, I grew up in an alcoholic home and a lot of what 19 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,600 I learned is that like life is just discomfort. 20 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,360 I was, I was being pre Buddhist training, right? 21 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:22,160 But it was, it was a lot of unsettling situations and a lot 22 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:26,080 of uncertainty and a lot of feeling of responsibility, a lot 23 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,240 of not being able to predict things. 24 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:31,640 And I learned really early on that like that, that was kind of 25 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,160 my role is to sit with that kind of discomfort and just kind of 26 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,560 like soak it up and then internalize it and take 27 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,920 responsibility for it. Like lots of bad habits that I 28 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,240 learned from that. But it, it, the problem is that 29 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,400 it kind of distorted my ability to assess whether this is the 30 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,680 kind of dis discomfort where if I sit with this, I can really 31 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,720 learn something. I can become more wise about 32 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:55,080 what's coming up for me. And then that will be better in 33 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:59,120 the long run versus that the kind of discomfort that I grew 34 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,520 up in, which is not really the kind of discovery that you 35 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,920 should just like sit in. So in Buddhism, when we talk 36 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:09,160 about the kind of discomfort that can lead to wisdom, let's 37 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,040 call this noble discomfort. This is the kind of discomfort 38 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:19,760 like sitting with restlessness or boredom or, or even anxiety, 39 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:24,120 those kinds of feelings come up. And often our first reaction is 40 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,560 to try to just get away. Like I'm so bored, I'm going to 41 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,680 scroll on my phone a lot or, or I'm going to, you know, eat 42 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,760 something or I'm going to do something kind of unhealthy 43 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:35,640 because I'm bored. Or anxiety can cause a lot of 44 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,960 those same kind of things engaging in kind of behavior 45 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,000 because we're trying to get out of that feeling of anxiety. 46 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,840 And a lot of those times it's very useful and better for us in 47 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:48,520 the long run if we can just sit and say like, oh, look, I notice 48 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:53,080 I observed that I am bored and I can sense my feelings of wanting 49 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,560 to get rid of that boarding and boredom and act on it. 50 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,560 Sitting with that can can allow us to open up the space, step 51 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,560 back from that enough that we can act in intentional ways. 52 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,640 So if we wanted to do something to alleviate the boredom, we can 53 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,960 engage in some healthier behaviors perhaps, or something 54 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:13,040 like this other kinds of discomfort that are that is that 55 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:16,080 is healthy to live, to sit through and to increase our 56 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:21,480 tolerance before include things like observing the the stories 57 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,680 that we tell, right? So we talk a lot about much of 58 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,200 much of us as humans, we create stories. 59 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:31,040 We create narratives about what we think or feel or what 60 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,080 somebody else is doing or what something, something is 61 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,440 happening. And sometimes it can be really 62 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:39,120 helpful to sit in the place where either we don't know. 63 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,400 So uncertainty, sitting with uncertainty, like we don't know 64 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,880 what the story is or where we start to observe that we are now 65 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,400 telling a story about some pattern of behavior that's maybe 66 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,040 not helpful. And it can be, it can be useful 67 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:54,840 to spend some time just sitting and observing the discomfort 68 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,520 that comes from noticing that you are telling yourself a story 69 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,960 that may not be helpful in the same way. 70 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,080 Once you notice those kind of, you know, problematic patterns 71 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,600 of behavior, the problematic, problematic stories that we're 72 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:09,880 telling ourselves, it can also be uncomfortable to sit with 73 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,520 them dissolving. So when you are trying to learn 74 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:16,040 a new pattern of behavior, it is just it's uncomfortable. 75 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:18,279 It's uncomfortable to try a new way of being. 76 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,839 And that kind of discomfort can be good to sit with. 77 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:24,720 Like, oh, I see I'm falling into those old habits again, or I'm 78 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,440 like resisting doing the healthy habit again. 79 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,840 That kind of discomfort is really helpful. 80 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,760 You sit with that, you can observe it. 81 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,840 It can maybe give you enough space to step back and act in 82 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:43,000 kind of intentional ways. Other kinds of discomfort that 83 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:48,400 can be helpful to sit with are when you notice like big strong 84 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,080 feelings. So when you have a strong 85 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:53,880 feeling, often times our very first reaction is to try to get 86 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,880 away from that strong feeling. And it can be really helpful to 87 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,880 just sit and notice like, oh, I'm having a strong feeling and 88 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,880 it's uncomfortable to have that strong feeling. 89 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:06,080 But being in the presence of that strong feeling can help you 90 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,640 notice either again, give you some space, step back, see what 91 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,320 you can do to act intentionally or just observe. 92 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,600 I'm having a strong reaction. This is what's happening for me. 93 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,640 This is what it feels like when I have a strong reaction that 94 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,320 can. There's a lot of wisdom from 95 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:26,760 sitting with that kind of discomfort when you my 96 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,920 experience this week where my ego was hurt a lot because 97 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,920 people at work were not being kind. 98 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,640 And it can be another one of those things where I noticed 99 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,360 like, oh, look, my feelings are hurt. 100 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:39,360 That's just my ego. I know that I'm doing, I'm 101 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:42,360 intentional in my actions. It is being interpreted in a 102 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,480 particular way. Sitting with that discomfort has 103 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,640 been really helpful, specifically this week when I 104 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,080 wanted to send off emails to people about like, you're wrong. 105 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,560 Why are you saying those things about me? 106 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:56,160 Please stop talking about that. Let's talk, doesn't it doesn't, 107 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,120 that doesn't matter. Like it, that's not going to 108 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,840 help anything. And because I could sit for 109 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:05,600 longer with those feelings of like my ego is now affected and 110 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,240 I can sit for longer. I didn't have to react. 111 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:12,360 And before Buddhism, I would react right away, defend myself. 112 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,960 And why are you saying those things or try to get somebody to 113 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,400 change their mind about something. 114 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,160 It's just that this doesn't work, right. 115 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,880 And that for me this week was a lot of Pennant ego centered 116 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,960 stuff. So a lot of those kinds of 117 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,760 things, and there's a lot of discomfort there. 118 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,400 And that is precisely the kind of discomfort where if we can 119 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:33,800 increase our tolerance and reduce our reactivity to them, 120 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:38,240 it can be very beneficial. We can gain wisdom from Mac, but 121 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,320 there's other kinds of discomfort that is not on the 122 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,800 path to wisdom. So things like, you know, if you 123 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:50,120 are in, in a relationship that is abusive or demeaning, or you 124 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:53,480 know, where, where the cost of compassion means that you are 125 00:06:53,720 --> 00:07:00,680 giving away your self efficacy, your, your own state of mind, 126 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,840 those things are really problematic, right? 127 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:05,040 And it's not just like, oh, I just have to be more 128 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,320 compassionate. I just have have to have more 129 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,880 space for this, you know, abusive situation. 130 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:16,080 If you're in a workplace where the environment is very toxic 131 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,920 and it is lots of criticism and there's lots of exploitation and 132 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,040 a lot of, you know, bad relationships. 133 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,200 That's not necessarily something that you can just say, well, I'm 134 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:30,280 just going to sit through this and just observe all of the, you 135 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,560 know, demeaning behavior, exploitative behavior. 136 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,440 That's not necessarily going to help you in a path towards 137 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,840 wisdom, right? That's it's, it's kind of 138 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:41,840 another way of like checking out and numbing in this kind of bad 139 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,280 situation. So it is helpful to try to 140 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:49,960 discern when is the discomfort helpful and when is the 141 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,800 discomfort harmful. And it's not that easy. 142 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,840 And like I said, maybe it's easier for you. 143 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,960 And if it is, I would really like to hear about that because 144 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:02,800 for me, one of the challenges is that humans and life is, is 145 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,280 variable, right? So each of us as an individual, 146 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,440 we have good days, we have bad days at work, there are some 147 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,000 good days, other people have good days and bad days. 148 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,640 Relationships, you know, in the lighter world, sometimes, you 149 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,040 know, it's just like this is a moment where it's like just 150 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:18,560 something unpleasant is happening. 151 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:23,720 And if it is just kind of part of the variation of life, it can 152 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,640 be helpful to be like, well, this is going to pass. 153 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,440 So I'm going to sit with this tough discomfort for a little 154 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,840 while and then it'll pass and I'll go back to another thing. 155 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,760 But sometimes it doesn't, It's not just a temporary thing. 156 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,600 It's kind of a, it's a chronic condition and it's 157 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,640 characteristic of that situation. 158 00:08:42,039 --> 00:08:46,440 And then it then we have to learn to sit with the and act on 159 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,040 the discomfort of like, OK, what I actually need here, because 160 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,480 this is not a, a discomfort that will help me grow. 161 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,120 This is discomfort that will be harmful. 162 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:58,320 I have to learn things like how to set boundaries, how to, you 163 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:02,880 know, leave a relationship or a workplace, how to, you know, 164 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,760 surround myself with healthier people or whatever. 165 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,320 And those are difficult too, because whatever situation 166 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:13,320 you're in probably has its own momentum and it, it has its own 167 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,760 kind of weight keeping you in that space. 168 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,880 So then that's another kind of discomfort. 169 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,920 But that's another one of those helpful discomfort, the 170 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,800 discomfort of like, I have to engage in a particular action 171 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,480 for my own health and safety and all those things. 172 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:27,960 And that's going to be difficult. 173 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,720 So I'm going to, I'm going to leave it with that. 174 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,240 And I'd like to hear from you. But I, I would like to talk 175 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,920 about this idea that the, the, really the benefit of sitting in 176 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,520 meditation, which is itself uncomfortable, right? 177 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,880 We just all had an experience of sitting in one position for an 178 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,520 extended period of time. That is discomfort. 179 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:49,080 But that again, is like the beneficial discomfort because 180 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,400 we're learning that we can sit in discomfort. 181 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,720 We're learning that our mind, the patterns of our mind, we're 182 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,040 kind of observing a little bit of the patterns of our mind 183 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,560 without getting attached to them. 184 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,920 Those are all good things. Telling when it's a good thing 185 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,720 and a bad thing is part of the challenge that I would like to 186 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,720 hear from you about. Like if you are good at 187 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,960 determining if a situation is good discomfort or not helpful 188 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,480 discomfort, I would really benefit from that. 189 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,880 I'd like to hear from you. Or if you're struggling with it 190 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,480 like me, I'd like to hear from that too. 191 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,720 So I'll turn it over to you when you speak. 192 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,280 Please start with your name so that we can get to know you. 193 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,160 Now this time is yours. As well. 194 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,480 I was excited. I. 195 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,520 Didn't, I don't think any discern between what you should 196 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:44,160 sit with and what you shouldn't? I mean, sometimes you don't even 197 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:48,800 know that you're suffering until you ask to inquire about it. 198 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:53,160 Sometimes suffering is a norm. Of course, people if they were 199 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:59,200 raised with it, but then you also gotta ask what can I do 200 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:03,560 about it? You know, can I do something 201 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:07,800 like avoid something or or problem solve it? 202 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:16,040 What can I do about it? And then after, you know, and 203 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:20,080 then simply if you can't do anything about it, then you sit 204 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:25,160 with it, you make the most of it. 205 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,720 Be, you know, if you're bored, you know, if you're in pain, if 206 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:35,360 you're just do what you can and then, you know, accept it. 207 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:39,360 Don't make friction when you don't have to like emotional 208 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,720 reactions. Easier said than done, of 209 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:48,200 course, but but I try and think of those three things, you know, 210 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:53,400 that kind of guide me. I like to learn the hard way at 211 00:11:53,400 --> 00:12:00,720 the time, but but I did learn those those things at least, you 212 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:05,600 know. Yeah, that's, that's actually 213 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,520 really helpful. And and I too like to learn 214 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,360 things the hard way many, many times over and over and over 215 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,920 again. Oftentimes that becomes those 216 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,680 kinds of things become my Mara, like, oh, my old friend, this 217 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,000 old pattern of behavior. But I'm trying to learn to 218 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,400 change. Come on in. 219 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,400 Very familiar with this difficult pattern that I'm 220 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,600 trying to change. And So what you were talking 221 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,000 about actually reminded me in pragmatic Buddhism, we have a 222 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,320 process that we call awareness, acceptance action that isn't in 223 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,880 much the same way. And it helps me think through 224 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,840 like trying to determine if this is a situation that I should sit 225 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,960 with or that I'd act on the kind. 226 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,640 The Awareness Acceptance Action Framework can can really help. 227 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:48,560 Developing that pause ahead of time before that reaction, you 228 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,600 know, that's a technique in itself, I guess, You know? 229 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,120 Absolutely. Yeah. 230 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:57,120 A reflexive, you know, actions got me in plenty of trouble 231 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,160 before. So with what we say and you know 232 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:05,480 what we, what we do, you know, I mean, even if the thought comes 233 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:09,400 out, you know, or comes up, you don't have to necessarily act on 234 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,920 it 'cause we not, we're not our thoughts, right? 235 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:17,320 So, yeah, that right there alone is another practice. 236 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,560 Yeah, that's still working, of course. 237 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,880 I think we, I think we all are looking that same way, yeah. 238 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:33,160 So what I this is a little parallel, but it's it's right in 239 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:37,400 the vein of complaining versus venting. 240 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:44,800 And I had conversations with my brother and some of us like, oh 241 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,080 man, work sucks and this is happening again. 242 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:52,880 It sucks. That is completely or I had this 243 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:57,480 confrontation with my Co worker about this and I learned this 244 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,600 and now I'm going to do this change. 245 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:05,760 Like that's vintage and it's kind of in the suffering and it 246 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:10,840 is the action kilter. I guess that's like the most 247 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:20,240 obvious version of that. But if if like there's no good 248 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:28,480 change that can be that like I've sat with stuff that for too 249 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,560 long. It felt like it was terrible. 250 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,760 Then I came up with this wonderful insightful, but 251 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:38,040 sometimes it's as I'm sitting with it. 252 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:42,720 So it's a real hard filter to know whether or not you can get 253 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:53,280 to chain but sitting with it. But I love it seems also if the 254 00:14:53,280 --> 00:15:01,080 thoughts are just moving too fast to shape, which that's then 255 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,400 they're probably not helpful and probably should not be hanging 256 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,760 out with them those thoughts. Either. 257 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,440 I do, I mean, I agree with you. I think that part of it is 258 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,480 observation. And, and the observation 259 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,600 includes both kind of what's happening and the consequence 260 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,200 of, of what's happening because there are a lot of times when we 261 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,520 engage with things where we think it's going to be a helpful 262 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,120 thing. So, and this could be one of 263 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,320 those examples. We could say like, OK, I need to 264 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,200 sit with discomfort. So then sit with the discomfort, 265 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,320 but then observe what happens afterward, right? 266 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,120 So, and, and sometimes the period of time afterward 267 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,560 matters, right? It did, it, did it work? 268 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,600 Is sitting with that discomfort. Did you realize like, oh, now I 269 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,360 don't have to be as reactive. I can, I can step back from 270 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,520 that. Or did you learn like that is 271 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,480 not that was not helpful for me. Now I have to engage in some 272 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,440 sort of action. And I I think about that a lot 273 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,400 because we all get advice from all sorts of people. 274 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,360 You should do this and you should that would try that drink 275 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:59,280 this and do this exercise. Try this and I OK, yes, sure, 276 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,880 try it, but then observe how it actually works for you. 277 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:06,240 So this is one of the best ways to observe like are you actually 278 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,040 gaining wisdom from this? And I think this is coming up 279 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,840 for me right now because work is really hard and has been for a 280 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,480 while. And I keep looking for like the 281 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:17,400 wisdom. So, OK, I'm looking, look at 282 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,000 universe. You're giving me some lessons. 283 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,280 What am I learning these lessons and trying to observe? 284 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,600 OK, so this is a situation that's happening. 285 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:28,600 And then and then I'm, I sit with it and I observe and I step 286 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,320 back. And then the same thing happens 287 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:31,720 again. And the same thing happens 288 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,000 again. And the same thing happens 289 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,600 again. And so now it's been many years. 290 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,760 I don't think it's me. I think it's you. 291 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,560 So that's a good observation, right? 292 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:45,360 So, and that's one of those things that it, it's sometimes 293 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,840 it does take time when you're trying to, to learn something, 294 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,520 when you're trying to gain wisdom. 295 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,880 It's usually not in like 1 moment of clarity, although we 296 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,920 all probably had those moments also. 297 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:00,040 But usually that's not how it happens on the regular. 298 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,520 It's not like I'm going to try this one thing and you're like, 299 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,119 Ding, it worked. Everything's great. 300 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:08,200 Now it's sometimes like it didn't work or didn't it work? 301 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,720 Try it again, try it again. So, and that can be, it depends 302 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,119 on you. How many times do you try this 303 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:17,440 new activity before you can determine, yes, this is good for 304 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,960 me. No, this isn't good for me. 305 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,560 And that's part like, well, how many times do you try? 306 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,520 And I think some of us like me and maybe like Aaron was saying, 307 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,680 maybe try too many times, like, oh, it didn't work, but I'm 308 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,640 gonna try it one more time. Oh, it didn't work, but I'm 309 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,440 gonna try it one more time for years until you're like, I 310 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,200 stink. It doesn't work. 311 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:39,640 And and then, and then, then it's hard because now you've 312 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,400 been trying it for years and now you're like, now I have to do 313 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,040 something different, which is a different kind of hard. 314 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,880 So I'm steeping, so there's something that I tell my kids a 315 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:59,560 lot that. Yeah, so I often bring out like 316 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,320 when I'm feeling frustrated, especially for pride or 317 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,280 something like that. I've got this phrase that I say 318 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,920 to them over and over where I'll say like we're just fancy 319 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:12,040 monkeys on a rock orbiting around the star in an inmost 320 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:16,480 pool. And what I mean by that when I 321 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,240 say that is kind of like a a grounding. 322 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:23,040 Like at the end of the day, let me hear our you know, we're kind 323 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,640 of like fancy my Blues, you know, you and I thing and and 324 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,720 you think that all of our things are very important, all of the 325 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,760 things that we're doing in the ways that we're interacting. 326 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:38,840 For myself, what I've found is that I kind of got like these 327 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:43,080 two zones that I get into a lot, especially when I was younger 328 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:47,080 and it's going to stay life now. So on this side is like my very 329 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,400 self important, you know, just like take myself really 330 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,520 seriously and like get very upset and then someone's doing, 331 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,360 you know, X&Y that violates my value system. 332 00:18:56,360 --> 00:19:01,200 Wallah. Then over here it's like, hey, 333 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:05,520 dude, like shut the fuck out. Like you're and that statement 334 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,680 kind of reflects that, right? The the fancy mind 'cause I 335 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:12,360 don't know where we get caught. Oh, and so I like that tension 336 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,680 and I like to keep that tension in mind. 337 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,480 There's a sport that I engage in a lot. 338 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,560 I love it. It's kind of experience called 339 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,080 kite serpent. You attacks this big kite to 340 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:28,280 yourself and you're out on the water and when the wind is up 341 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,400 and you can surf and do these huge jumps like 30-40 feet up 342 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,280 near, it's awesome. It's also a little bit dangerous 343 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,960 and it's also very humble. And So what I found for myself, 344 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,400 I've been doing it now for about 6 years and every time I go out, 345 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,920 I, you know, learn something or I fail or I have a great time 346 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,720 where I totally suck and have a long walk back. 347 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:53,600 You know, I have a Carlyle life with this gross water and bunch 348 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,080 of sticks everywhere and you know, like things like that. 349 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:01,800 And for myself, I think this physical activity and hobby that 350 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:06,760 I like is also like an analogy, like a poignant analogy for 351 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,880 those two states that I get into. 352 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,720 Because when you do it well, you know, and the winds is up and 353 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,200 it's awesome and you get these huge jumps and you feel like a 354 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,920 badass. So it's like, OK, that was 355 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,720 great. And then a year and a half ago. 356 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:25,760 Went out, my ego got the best of me and I was at a bad lunch spot 357 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,520 and I almost stopped and I broke my collar running three ribs and 358 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:35,520 my leg and thankfully healed up. But it adjusted, of course. 359 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:39,880 And it was like my 40, you know, 40th birthday wake up call. 360 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:46,280 But yeah, I'm not invincible. And so I don't know what it is 361 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,560 about this activity, but this it's like going out and putting 362 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:53,440 my body through this stuff and being at the mercy of the wind 363 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:58,080 and the waves is like exactly what we do with our mind when 364 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:02,320 you are interacting with people, you know, it's it's wind and 365 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,280 waves like the you can't control how someone else is going to 366 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,360 interact with you can't control their opinion of you. 367 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,520 You can't control like all these scents, right? 368 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:14,000 And so the best moments in fight warding is when you just blow, 369 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,200 you allow the wind and the water to be what it is and you ride 370 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:21,520 it. And that's for me. 371 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,160 There's something really beautiful about that. 372 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,880 And I try to bring that over into my relationships as well. 373 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:30,600 They're like I, I have no control over what this person's 374 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:36,480 reaction is going to be to me. And so that practice that 375 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,680 element of like getting out there and just doing it over and 376 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:43,320 over again and, and you fail and have a bad session or have a 377 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:46,280 good session and you just get the fuck back up and do it 378 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,600 again, you know, like, and just do it again. 379 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:53,320 There's a lot of like therapeutic wisdom in that 380 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,400 process. The the process of getting back 381 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,720 up and just doing, yeah, OK, whatever your emotional stay was 382 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,360 in the last round and cares, just do it again and let's go, 383 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:03,640 you know, and learn something new at the time. 384 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,160 It's a great analogy. Thank you. 385 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:14,160 That's pretty helpful. I'm happy, Danielle, I don't 386 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,760 kind of tell you, but. If you're going to work with. 387 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,720 People, you're going to suffering every day. 388 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:29,120 There it is and will you? I thought the topic was living 389 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:32,040 sitting in discomfort, but as soon as you put the word 390 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,400 suffering at it, I thought differently. 391 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:42,200 So thank you. So if you stay home, avoid 392 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:52,320 people then less and that the venti. 393 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:59,480 I allow myself 5 minutes when I need to vent about my son. 394 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:05,280 Well and feels good, you know, because, well, there's those 395 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:06,800 three things. Is it true? 396 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:15,760 And most of it is and but the second step of is it necessary 397 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:21,040 is my second question And is it Kite? 398 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:30,120 So he keeps quitting jobs, leaving the family without money 399 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:32,320 because my daughter's still in college. 400 00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:39,600 And so. But there's hungry children. 401 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:43,880 And is it necessary? Yeah, it is. 402 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,360 So there's those boundaries and all that. 403 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:50,760 And during the venting, I never have the problem solving. 404 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:55,400 I'm just acknowledging that he has trouble with life. 405 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,880 And, you know, my daughter really bugs him. 406 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,400 OK. And he's the father of my 407 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:06,240 graduate feel OK, but is it necessary? 408 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:10,880 It is necessary for me to help. So I have to think what I can do 409 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:17,800 that's this payless and affordable and it's not going to 410 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:24,120 change him. But and then the last one is, is 411 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:28,600 it kind? So just how I was meditating 412 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:38,600 about kindness to my son-in-law, and I will have to tell him in a 413 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:42,120 text that he's a good dad, because he is, because my 414 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:46,880 grandchildren are pretty cool, pretty wonderful, pretty curious 415 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,680 about nature. They're not spoiled of toys 416 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:55,680 because of gore, but they're all scientists, that curiosity about 417 00:24:55,680 --> 00:25:02,760 nature, which is my thing. So I will be kind and I'll 418 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:08,720 accept that kindness, allow that kindness to him. 419 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:15,880 And I couldn't figure out how in my own way, but the boundaries 420 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,520 and all that. Yeah, you're really right that a 421 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:21,440 lot of the the suffering and discomfort we have is from other 422 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,360 people, not all of it. I mean, you know, and and you 423 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:28,360 could argue not any of it if because we're the ones that it's 424 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:31,800 coming up for us and we're reacting to it, but definitely 425 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,640 other people as a prime source, prime opportunity that can 426 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,520 inspire all kinds of discomfort and suffering. 427 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:41,800 And this is exactly the part that we're trying to figure out, 428 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,520 right? Like there are things that other 429 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:46,400 people think, say or do and we have to work with other people. 430 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,760 We have other people in our family. 431 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:52,400 We have strangers on the street, in the supermarket, like humans 432 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,640 are social animals. We need other people and yet 433 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:59,400 other people can drive us crazy. And this is one of those places 434 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,440 in particular where we'll, if we spend time for whatever is 435 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:06,000 coming up for us and observe that that emotion, the physical 436 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,920 sensations, it can give us enough distance to say, OK, what 437 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,320 is the appropriate thing to do? How, how should I act? 438 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,280 Do or do I need to act in this? Do I need to say something? 439 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,600 And if I do need to say something, what do I need to 440 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,800 say? And that's it is all of those 441 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,920 stages are kind of difficult. But I think that the the really 442 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,880 beneficial part about Buddhist practice is that it gives us 443 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,240 some tools and it gives us some space and it kind of gives us 444 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,600 permission also to step back. Because we live in such a 445 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:38,280 fast-paced culture where the expectation is something happens 446 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:41,320 and you have to react quickly. You have to get something done, 447 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,160 you have to solve a problem right away. 448 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:48,000 And it doesn't always give us permission to just like, yes, 449 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,360 but give me just a minute. I just need to like, can I just 450 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:53,280 take a breath for a minute? I just need to sit for a minute 451 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,840 and then I'll engage in our sort of problem solving culture. 452 00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:01,040 And I appreciate that a lot because me as a person, I'm 453 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,000 like, yes, let's just solve all the problems right away. 454 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,000 And I can see a lot of that comes from my childhood and my 455 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,680 upbringing, but a lot of it comes from our culture too. 456 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:13,760 So just giving myself permission to like it's OK to take a breath 457 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:17,760 and be a little reflexive and kind of do a little kind of soul 458 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:21,360 searching before I jump right into problem solving, 459 00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:24,200 identifying what I need to do or say or something. 460 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,560 So I'm grateful for that. Yeah. 461 00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:36,320 I feel like I spend most of my time when dealing with an issue 462 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:42,400 in three different states. One, the state of realizing 463 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:46,080 there's nothing I can do about it and which is comforting. 464 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,680 It's actually comforting to feel like there's nothing I can do 465 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,480 about this. Now we just have to live inside 466 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:57,520 of it. The second one is knowing. 467 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,880 Knowing what to do about it. All right, like here's the 468 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,080 problem. But I know what to do, and all I 469 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,840 have to do now is have a plan to do that thing. 470 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:10,560 And even if the problem is not solved yet, there's comfort in 471 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,840 knowing that I have. I know what to do. 472 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,560 I know, I know what I think the right action is and I just have 473 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:16,760 to. Go through the steps and I 474 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:17,760 start. Plan. 475 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:21,120 And as soon as I come to the conclusion that I know what the 476 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:26,320 path is to handle the problem, I get a sense of relief just like 477 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:28,760 when I know there is nothing to do about the problem. 478 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:33,240 So both of those are not that both of those are good, right? 479 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,840 Both of them. In both cases, I either know the 480 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,720 right action is to do nothing, which is nothing I can do, or 481 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,880 the right action was X and I can do that. 482 00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:46,000 And the one that causes the most suffering for me is knowing that 483 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,160 I should do something about it and that I can do something 484 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:55,600 about it, but not knowing what that is and like struggling on 485 00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:57,320 should I do this? Should I do that? 486 00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:59,320 Is this the right thing? Is that the right thing? 487 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:01,240 I. Feel like I should do this, but 488 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:05,000 I don't know if I can't. That's where the suffering comes 489 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,680 from. And I've always thought of it 490 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:11,480 like, all right, well, when I'm in that state, I just have to, I 491 00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,400 have to make a determination. Is there something I can do or 492 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:17,760 is there not? And once I go into one of those 493 00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:29,040 slots, it's more comfortable on. Yeah, there's a Spooks party. 494 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:31,200 I was going to tell about that but I'm forgetting what it is. 495 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:39,840 Now I'd ask, is it the suffering springing from not knowing or in 496 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,920 the action of looking for that solution? 497 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,360 Both. Both. 498 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,720 Yeah, me. In the feeling that this should 499 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:50,920 this should be over because there is something to do about 500 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:54,520 it, but I can't figure out what to do or I'm trying to do 501 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:56,360 something and it's not fixing it. 502 00:29:56,360 --> 00:30:00,480 All right, So continuing to think and believe that there is 503 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:05,840 a fix, but not fixing it is the problem. 504 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:10,680 Once I believe there is no fix and say, well, I'll let this go. 505 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:14,000 And there are a lot of things, you know, there are things that 506 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,040 that are not fixed. They continue to knock you 507 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:19,440 fixed. But then I realized that there's 508 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:22,280 nothing I can do about it right now, and I'm able to forget 509 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:25,320 about it and we'll go on. Well, Pix is a stronger. 510 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:29,160 Let's just go with that because I mean, we might think we fixed 511 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:33,400 it, but the list that we are trying to help, there's that 512 00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:35,520 human element. Well, that's if you're talking 513 00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:38,240 about a human, but if you're talking about a thing in life 514 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:41,200 like, oh, I have this issue with my car or I have this issue 515 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:42,600 with. A box on your. 516 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:47,080 Yeah, but I hear what you said. Yeah, in some cases you can't 517 00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:49,840 just fix something. But in some cases, at least the 518 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:52,520 cases I'm thinking about right now, there are things that I'm 519 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:56,560 like, oh, I want this problem solved, but I don't know 520 00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:58,320 exactly. How to solve it? 521 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:01,160 Or if I come to the conclusion there is no way to solve it, I'm 522 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,280 like I already thought and I just let it go and you can go 523 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:06,800 for a long time without EPIX. Like a box on microbes. 524 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:12,720 Is there a way of reducing the suffering while still looking 525 00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:19,640 for the solution? I don't know mentality to maybe 526 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:26,880 go about it differently whilst those continuing to search for 527 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:30,480 the problem or for the solution. Search for the right action. 528 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:34,200 I mean, I think that is where meditation can come in in this 529 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,080 situation. So in a situation like this 530 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,440 where it is a solvable, you have identified as a solvable 531 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:42,800 problem, but you don't know what the solution is yet. 532 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:45,840 That's a great place like to, to kind of let it sit for a while 533 00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:49,000 or, or to observe the anxiety that may be coming up about 534 00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:50,880 wanting to solve the problem and not knowing it. 535 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:53,480 That's that can be really helpful because that can maybe 536 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,560 give you enough distance to see what some options might be or, 537 00:31:57,640 --> 00:31:59,880 or to the side. But I need to get input from 538 00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:02,360 somebody else because, you know, I'm, I'm too close to the 539 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:04,840 project or whatever. That can be really helpful. 540 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,320 Like, so if you already know this is a solvable problem, this 541 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,640 is the kind of discomfort or suffering that is healthy to sit 542 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:14,760 with because then you can, you can learn from that, right? 543 00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:18,240 It's, it's some of these other situations that may not be 544 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:20,920 solvable, right? And, and maybe what you're 545 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:22,640 saying is, so it sounds like you're saying like you just 546 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:24,920 don't get hung up on that. Like if this is a crappy 547 00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:26,760 environment, whatever it is, you can't solve it. 548 00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:29,160 You're just like, well, I'm not going to get bothered by it 549 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:31,040 because it's not a solvable problem. 550 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:36,120 That's that's pretty amazing and I would love to do that because 551 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:39,520 I have never met a problem that I didn't think could be solved. 552 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:41,120 Maybe that's part of the problem. 553 00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:43,880 But this is interesting. I don't know, I don't talk about 554 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:47,040 this a whole lot and I've never heard anybody say that but you. 555 00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:49,560 But so you don't come to the conclusion sometimes that, oh, 556 00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:52,160 this problem can't like there's nothing I can do about this 557 00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:54,280 right now. Even if it's not maybe in the 558 00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:55,880 future you can. But right now if it's nothing 559 00:32:55,880 --> 00:33:00,000 you can do and then just say OK, but I I can't do anything if 560 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:03,200 it's OK to let it go for now. I mean, I could if I got it 561 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:09,760 physically away from any. Kind so this is a bit as our 562 00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:13,040 tire corrected at this point and I want to put some grounding on 563 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:16,720 it. You have a work relationship 564 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:21,720 with this problematic and you have to resolve it or what am I 565 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:22,880 going to cook for dinner tonight? 566 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:29,400 So like we're talking these and like, what are we going to cook? 567 00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:33,640 Like you surely had these moments where it's just like, 568 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:38,160 fuck it, I'm not going to have dinner and I'm making the choice 569 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:40,200 that have dinner and that's the equivalent. 570 00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:44,960 I mean, it's not giving up on a relationship or trying to do 571 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:48,520 that. But but there are, you know, the 572 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:50,600 whole time. Well, a lot of it's kind of 573 00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:54,120 sick. I'm going as I know that I do 574 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:59,840 have a bigger crisises and but I just have a harder time wrapping 575 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:01,960 my head around the tactile of that. 576 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:08,600 But like I do my Christmas on Thanksgiving, so I have that get 577 00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:12,400 procha inside the hand, make all my gifts and so my tinies all 578 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:15,480 over the place that not having to choose like, well, I'm not 579 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:16,679 going to make this for this person. 580 00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:20,440 Then I'm I am going to make this for this person type of things. 581 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,719 And so these are very tactile things that I'm also going to 582 00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:31,280 it's like take a nap or eat something this, you know, so not 583 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:39,440 all of the suffering are like Southern laws are extremely 584 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:47,840 complicated. I need these tools to just my 585 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:49,560 wife says we have, we have plenty of meat. 586 00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:51,560 Don't buy anything at the grocery store. 587 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:54,199 Like, well, I don't know what to make for dinner and I'm having 588 00:34:54,199 --> 00:34:58,120 an anxiety because I can't take up what to do with those things. 589 00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:03,200 Chicken and an onion. Actually, that's not true. 590 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:07,960 But, you know, like, like these tools are accessible and 591 00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:12,240 wonderful and, and like, I think we should also describe them too 592 00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:20,120 with tools. Meditation, yeah. 593 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,400 Well, then you know, one thing you've mentioned before and then 594 00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:28,920 I kind of think about this quite a bit for myself as I know 595 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:30,520 you've mentioned this like 2 weeks ago, I think. 596 00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:36,200 But like a lot of times there's like an action that I think I 597 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:41,400 ought to do because of how it how it confirms my own 598 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,720 self-image of who I think I am, right? 599 00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:47,400 So like, I want to be patient with this person because that 600 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:51,400 makes me look, you know, X&Y. And I don't mean that in like I, 601 00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:55,440 I'm performing, but like there's these deep, insidious like 602 00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:58,720 things about how we view ourselves, right? 603 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:02,320 And, and what we think it means to be a good person or to be a 604 00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:05,480 good Buddhist for to be a good whoever, a good, you know, 605 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,240 mother-in-law, like all of these things, right? 606 00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:10,720 We had scripts. We have culture and our 607 00:36:10,720 --> 00:36:13,120 upbringing and our baggage and you know, what does it mean to 608 00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:15,680 be a man or a woman or, you know, any of these things? 609 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:20,480 And so I think sometimes it's important to sort of like for 610 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:24,320 myself, I'm like, what do I actually have the capacity to do 611 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:26,880 right now? Not what do I wish my capacity 612 00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:31,040 was and what do I think my capacity should be given my age 613 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:32,880 and experience? But like, what do I know shit 614 00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:36,440 have the capacity for at this moment, Because this thing, this 615 00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:41,160 answer might be on flyer, but it's better than the, you know, 616 00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:43,800 the O just keep, you know, doing this thing. 617 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:47,120 And I'd rather say the unflattering 1 and be honest 618 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:50,040 with myself really, really honest about like, well, no, I 619 00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:53,920 actually don't have the capacity to to be kind in this moment. 620 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,040 And so they may be wisdom is let me just be signed up then. 621 00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:01,680 Yeah, or sure, I got the capacity for it, you know, and 622 00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:04,800 yeah, let's let's offer it. I feel like that it's kind of 623 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:05,920 but important. Attention. 624 00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:09,880 That might be a good example of the time when you realize you 625 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:12,600 can't do something right, like the emails, like you what? 626 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:14,920 You can do something. You could write some angry 627 00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:16,800 messes, but you know that's not an option for you. 628 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:20,160 You don't want to do that and so there is nothing else to do but 629 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:23,040 you calm about it and let it. Let it go. 630 00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:24,880 That's a better way to say. I agree. 631 00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:26,880 I agree with you. And I actually, I think this is 632 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:28,880 a really helpful point. Thank you for sharing that, 633 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:32,760 Steven, because it does have to do with what is true for you at 634 00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,000 the moment. And this is that this is another 635 00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:37,240 one of those kinds of discomforts that can be really 636 00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:41,040 helpful to sit with is like when you are trying to be honest with 637 00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:43,120 yourself. And I, I wouldn't say being 638 00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:45,640 brutally honest, I would recommend being rigorously 639 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:48,000 honest. But yes, in the same sort of 640 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:52,600 way, yes, yes. And it can be difficult though, 641 00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:55,480 when you are being honest to yourself and, and our own 642 00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:58,800 limitations, whatever they are, can be somewhat difficult. 643 00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:01,960 And this might be one of those probably one of my problems 644 00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:05,240 because like, yeah, every problem is solvable, just maybe 645 00:38:05,240 --> 00:38:07,440 not by me and not with the tools that I have. 646 00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:10,120 And so this is one of those things like, I have to be honest 647 00:38:10,120 --> 00:38:13,480 to be like, that is not a solvable problem for me. 648 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:17,960 So let that go, right. And that that takes a little, 649 00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:21,360 that takes a little practice. I mean, being humble is an 650 00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:25,000 important part and being honest with yourself is an important 651 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:28,440 part and can be difficult, but just be careful that you're not 652 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:33,360 being rude and mean to yourself. That's, that's not the same as 653 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,000 being honest. And then in our culture, 654 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:38,440 sometimes we think it is like the only honesty is the one that 655 00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:39,040 hurts. I. 656 00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:44,360 Don't know about that. Well, there's like a, there's a 657 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:47,880 saying and maybe eventually, I mean, not really, I definitely 658 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:51,880 had mentioned this before you that there's a saying in poker, 659 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:57,080 the heck that when someone, you know that the player might go on 660 00:38:57,080 --> 00:38:59,560 tilt, right? So anybody's played Poles and 661 00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:02,560 he's know what I mean, We might go on tilt, which means that 662 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:06,840 something has happened on the board, something has happened on 663 00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:10,640 the table that you are now reacting and responding to 664 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:13,400 emotionally, right? What you're supposed to do as a 665 00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:18,080 poker play is let the cards come out, see your cards, and play 666 00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:19,920 your cards. You're not supposed to just play 667 00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:21,600 the cards. You're supposed to play the 668 00:39:21,600 --> 00:39:24,840 players supposed to use the psychology of the table, what 669 00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:27,280 you think someone has, how that person's play, etcetera, 670 00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:29,720 etcetera, etcetera. But you're supposed to play the 671 00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:32,440 cards, let the cards come out the way they come out and put 672 00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:34,720 your card out. Whatever happens, happens. 673 00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:38,040 If that hand goes, the dealer takes all the cards and shuffles 674 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,520 them and forget what just not happened. 675 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:44,720 Are you supposed to be unfaid by whatever happens on the table? 676 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:47,520 Because if you're not, you go on tilt, right? 677 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:50,520 Like if you, let's say you have pocket aces, you get 2 aces. 678 00:39:50,520 --> 00:39:53,560 You're like you're, you get attached to the idea that this 679 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:56,200 is your hand, Like this is my hand. 680 00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:58,480 I'm going to win all of that money on the table. 681 00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:01,680 And then you put your pocket ace it down and it's the best hand 682 00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:05,360 on the table until someone puts out two threes and then a three 683 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:07,440 comes out and then they take your money, right? 684 00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:10,160 They take your money with what would normally not be a good 685 00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:13,320 hand. And you get emotionally upset. 686 00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:15,480 About. This like now the now your 687 00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:18,600 emotions get involved in what's going on in the table and you 688 00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:22,000 start to play differently right at the Fets now the way that 689 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:30,840 you're playing, playing the hand and I think like we we sometimes 690 00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:35,240 will allow what's going on around us so. 691 00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,200 I mean, where's that? It's all about the thing. 692 00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:39,320 There's a direct connection, I mean that's. 693 00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:40,880 Someone just knows that's a good metaphor. 694 00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:42,680 Actually it was a. Connection to something. 695 00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:46,080 Someone said that. It has to do with the how we see 696 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:49,000 ourselves. But once you start reacting to 697 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:50,600 the carbs. Yeah, exactly. 698 00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:52,720 And the capacity what no velocity you have to add. 699 00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:54,200 Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there was there was 700 00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:56,200 something someone said it wasn't that exactly. 701 00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:59,280 But yeah, I mean, you, you start to not be able to see what the 702 00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:02,920 right action is, right? The right action when you get 703 00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:06,360 your next cards might be to play them in particular way. 704 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:09,640 But because you were tilted from that last hand, you might be 705 00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:11,960 more aggressive than norm because you want them in your 706 00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:13,800 money back. Or maybe you're being less 707 00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:15,680 aggressive. You're being, you know, you're 708 00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:18,120 not playing the cards that you maybe would have played before 709 00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:21,320 because you're afraid, right. And so becoming tilted ends up 710 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:23,440 affecting your ability to see what you're after. 711 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:25,480 That's ultimately the the moral of that story. 712 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:26,920 But there was something, something said that when you 713 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:29,800 least want to. You can inscribe an equanimity I 714 00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:37,480 think a little I mean he probably developed that and 715 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:41,520 meditation not being so flustered my life and reacting 716 00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:44,440 to emotionally letting your emotions get away from you or 717 00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,560 something which causes more suffering. 718 00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:52,160 You know, all that friction that you put on the situation with 719 00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:55,880 your overreaction, possible reaction. 720 00:41:56,360 --> 00:42:01,080 You know, you just creating a more BS, but that level of mind, 721 00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:04,120 you know where you're not sure and you're not sure you're just 722 00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:09,600 kind of there, you know, like you, you can't be you can't be 723 00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:13,920 too laid back, you know, because you can be a past this without 724 00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:18,400 getting abused, you know, but you don't want to be too light, 725 00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:21,720 strong and really clinging to that situation. 726 00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:25,000 But like, it's something in between, you know, letting the 727 00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:30,680 currents fall, you know, as they will, but still playing your 728 00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:34,480 hand, you know, but keeping a cool head, you know, like that, 729 00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:37,320 you know? Yeah, I actually the last time I 730 00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:41,880 went to Atlantic City, I used to go yearly and play at the play 731 00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:45,080 poker at the Borgata. And the last time I went, this 732 00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:52,040 was in 22 when I came back, I went to a 10 day sound and true. 733 00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:55,160 So I was like meditating and practice it, remaining in a 734 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:58,840 state of equilibrium. And then I went to Atlantic City 735 00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:01,760 and I cleaned up. He kept me. 736 00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:05,840 And literally I was really at this state of equilibrium that I 737 00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:09,120 came right out of that retreat, came down to Saint Louis, hopped 738 00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:10,200 on a flight and went straight there. 739 00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:12,760 And I was at a football table within 48 hours. 740 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:16,000 And I remember being affected. I remembered. 741 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:19,920 The the effect. Of the retreat helping me play a 742 00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,840 game. No tilty yeah. 743 00:43:23,400 --> 00:43:26,720 I mean, this is exactly what we're all trying to learn is to 744 00:43:26,720 --> 00:43:28,920 be less reactive. It's the reason that we 745 00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:30,640 meditate. And I think that I mean, the 746 00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:33,080 example of like when you're meditating for 10 days straight, 747 00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:36,840 you have gotten a lot, you know, your capacity for, for 748 00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:40,120 meditation and for, for equanimity has expanded a lot. 749 00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:42,200 And that's what we're all trying to do, right? 750 00:43:42,200 --> 00:43:46,520 So this is a fantastic metaphor. And the idea of like continuing 751 00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:49,000 to play your hand, not getting tilted. 752 00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,160 This is really good for all of us because this is the goal. 753 00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:55,120 Maybe not to actually literally they play poker, but like using 754 00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:58,120 that as a metaphor for a life. That's this is what our goal is, 755 00:43:58,120 --> 00:44:02,520 is to try to remain centered and grounded in equanimous enough 756 00:44:02,720 --> 00:44:05,400 that you can continue to do the thing that you need to do in an 757 00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:08,880 appropriate way and then you know when at life. 758 00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:10,480 Yeah. Or play poker. 759 00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:14,760 I mean, I need $1000. So when does when does venti fit 760 00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:17,400 it? Is that allowed or I feel? 761 00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:21,160 Like it's a cleansy. So venting is an interesting 762 00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,880 thing, right? And and you know, your mileage 763 00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:26,000 may vary. There have been lots of studies 764 00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:28,960 that were venting doesn't actually help in the same way. 765 00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:31,920 Like you're like, I did this, my mom did this when we were 766 00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,520 growing up. We had a scapegoat pillow. 767 00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:35,560 And she's like, when you're angry, you just yell at the 768 00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:38,320 pillow and pounded the pillow. Because this was this whole idea 769 00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:41,080 of like, like you get out all of the emotions, then you're going 770 00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:43,520 to be more grounded. And it doesn't usually work that 771 00:44:43,520 --> 00:44:45,200 way. Like you get more of what you 772 00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:47,040 give. So if you're like, I'm angry 773 00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:49,360 about something, it's not getting the anger out out. 774 00:44:49,360 --> 00:44:53,200 It's like feeding the anger. On the other hand, it can also 775 00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:56,840 be kind of useful to be like, I am feeling a thing and I'm going 776 00:44:56,840 --> 00:45:00,480 to express that thing, right? So it can be like, it depends on 777 00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:02,760 it depends on. This is another one of those 778 00:45:02,760 --> 00:45:04,960 examples. Observe what happens to you when 779 00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:08,440 you vent. Do you feel more more rested and 780 00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:11,240 peaceful afterward? Or do you feel more anxious? 781 00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:14,560 You know, if you complain about work, does it help you get it 782 00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:17,120 out so now you don't have to worry about it anymore? 783 00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:20,600 Or does it make you feel worse? And that is a really helpful 784 00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:22,920 exercise. And again, we have to be like 785 00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:26,160 honest with ourselves because sometimes we do like, you know, 786 00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:30,360 complaining or venting or whatever else it and sometimes 787 00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:32,640 it's good for us, but sometimes it is not so. 788 00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:36,000 In my head, like benting and complaining are absolutely 789 00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:39,400 different things and screaming into a pillow is complaining. 790 00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:43,920 It's just like, it's just more like venting functionally 791 00:45:43,920 --> 00:45:47,200 changes where you're at. Like you've released the 792 00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:51,080 pressure, it's gone and I think there's a social element to 793 00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:54,320 that. So if I bet to somebody pretty 794 00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:59,120 much necessary to bet to somebody and they can say yes, 795 00:45:59,120 --> 00:46:03,880 yes, yes, they don't do that. And then that way you feel like 796 00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:10,440 kind of like even Mary's thing where piece of knowledge she's 797 00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:12,320 giving me. It's I heard of poor. 798 00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:14,480 It's the cabbage thing. It's like you has a little one, 799 00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:18,000 even if it was a cabbage, like sometimes when you're venting, 800 00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:20,440 if you let that other person the flag. 801 00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:25,440 Like when I was talking, my wife is complaining about this work 802 00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:27,720 situation that she was trying to work through. 803 00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:34,600 And I'm like, I have nothing to offer except for to receive it 804 00:46:35,200 --> 00:46:39,680 in a way that allows you to be OK with that and. 805 00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:41,480 Then maybe she was venting. Yeah. 806 00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:45,800 That you would complain. No, I'm trying to figure out. 807 00:46:47,520 --> 00:46:50,280 Yeah, for me, Chuck's of ethics, they always say the wrong word 808 00:46:50,440 --> 00:46:53,440 all the time. Yes, she was venting about a 809 00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:57,840 situation. And if I didn't listen, and if I 810 00:46:57,840 --> 00:47:02,520 was just like, you know, whatever broad, then that would 811 00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,120 be complaint. If you don't call him. 812 00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:09,560 But like. That is The thing is why is 813 00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:12,400 venting I mean you. Choose the right person to vent 814 00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:17,840 to and that person knows that you it may not be as serious as 815 00:47:18,680 --> 00:47:20,360 is what it is. Projecting, yeah. 816 00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:24,480 I'm Sean. I just wanted to say something 817 00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,000 that I was listening to on the way over here. 818 00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:30,600 Well, for one, I was very restless on the way over here in 819 00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:33,200 traffic, wanting the people to get out of my way. 820 00:47:34,360 --> 00:47:43,560 But there's this book called Oneness something I don't know, 821 00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:46,680 but it's a Zen book opening to warmness. 822 00:47:46,760 --> 00:47:53,520 And it talks about the first preset of numb killing and none 823 00:47:53,600 --> 00:47:57,600 harming. And it goes in depth about it 824 00:47:57,760 --> 00:48:04,600 and it talks about how like it where for me, I get very 825 00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:11,280 restless a lot and I'm a very driven person and that's got me 826 00:48:11,280 --> 00:48:20,120 in a lot of trouble. But so whenever I am not able to 827 00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:23,640 live in the moment with consciousness, I guess, or 828 00:48:23,640 --> 00:48:30,240 conscience or equanimity or with these principles, if I'm trying 829 00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:34,760 to hold on to something, I am practicing kill. 830 00:48:35,240 --> 00:48:37,480 If I'm trying to hold on to something that's impermanent, 831 00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:40,640 it's a form of killing in this book. 832 00:48:42,200 --> 00:48:45,840 And if I think something is separate from myself, separate 833 00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,520 is, is what they're saying is also a way of killing. 834 00:48:52,080 --> 00:48:57,360 And that's helped me a little bit because I've held on to 835 00:48:57,360 --> 00:49:00,800 things so much and to where it was caused me suffering. 836 00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:06,440 I'm in recovery and there's a person in my life that has put 837 00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:10,480 I've had pain in my heart towards this relationship for 838 00:49:10,720 --> 00:49:16,400 years. And one thing that has saved me 839 00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:23,120 is understanding that the restlessness in him, the ego in 840 00:49:23,120 --> 00:49:31,400 enema is also eating and and and whenever and I've worked this, 841 00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:34,160 I've worked through this with one of my sponsors and he's 842 00:49:34,160 --> 00:49:37,840 tried to help me under like understand this guy. 843 00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:40,720 And then I've, I've been warned for the pain in my heart to go 844 00:49:40,720 --> 00:49:44,440 awake, but at the same time, you know, like if I'm trying to push 845 00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:46,960 it away, that's also a form of suffering. 846 00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:49,680 I'm just putting suffering on top of the suffering. 847 00:49:50,400 --> 00:49:56,040 So I need to keep on practicing this non killing in a sense more 848 00:49:56,040 --> 00:50:02,120 than just the physical sense. I need to practice it and, you 849 00:50:02,120 --> 00:50:05,720 know, just being present with myself if I wanna, if I feel 850 00:50:05,720 --> 00:50:10,800 something, heal it and. Yeah. 851 00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:19,040 The honesty and the kindness I've even had lungs in my life 852 00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:22,720 career. The honesty hurt, but it was it 853 00:50:22,720 --> 00:50:27,640 was a blessing was one of the biggest questions I've ever had. 854 00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:32,440 I think the kindness is a is a definitely a huge thing and 855 00:50:32,440 --> 00:50:33,880 that's something I still need to practice. 856 00:50:33,880 --> 00:50:36,920 You know, like when is it? When am I being kind and honest 857 00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:40,600 and when his kindness, when his kindness is so subtle that you 858 00:50:40,600 --> 00:50:46,280 don't even wanna listen or but again, like I'm, I'm still, I, I 859 00:50:46,280 --> 00:50:51,400 don't know right from wrong and 99% of my life really probably. 860 00:50:51,600 --> 00:50:55,320 And whenever I think I'm doing something good, I can be arming 861 00:50:55,320 --> 00:51:00,800 that person. So it's this consistent practice 862 00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:03,680 of trying to understand ourselves and other people. 863 00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:06,480 So that's what I have on that, I guess. 864 00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:09,520 Yeah, thanks for that. We're we're about out of time, 865 00:51:09,520 --> 00:51:12,040 but one of the I really appreciate the different kind of 866 00:51:12,040 --> 00:51:14,440 framing. So the idea of like this idea of 867 00:51:14,440 --> 00:51:17,800 non killing and the separation can be really helpful. 868 00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:19,920 And one of the things I appreciate most about our 869 00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:23,040 discussions is that you find something somebody says 870 00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:25,880 something in a way that opens a door for you. 871 00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:28,520 And I love that about this group because we have just a lot of 872 00:51:28,520 --> 00:51:30,800 different perspectives and ways of understanding. 873 00:51:31,040 --> 00:51:33,840 And then it's, it's all the Dharma and it all helps us 874 00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:37,200 moving forward. So before we close, is there 875 00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:39,440 anyone who hasn't speaking, who's speaking? 876 00:51:39,680 --> 00:51:43,360 I'm making stuff up now, hasn't spoken, who would like to before 877 00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:45,560 we close? You're not obliged, just opening 878 00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:46,680 the door for you if you would like. 879 00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:52,240 I'm tier one. I just want to make a comment 880 00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:59,240 about, you know, your the violent screaming into your pill 881 00:51:59,240 --> 00:52:02,320 or something like that. That doesn't always work because 882 00:52:02,320 --> 00:52:05,760 that's in the therapy group therapy one time and one of the 883 00:52:05,760 --> 00:52:08,440 things we were going to do was they gave us a bat and we're 884 00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:12,440 supposed to beat a pillow. I didn't want, I didn't want to 885 00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:15,000 do it. That's not going to help me with 886 00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:18,000 anything. So I just that brought back that 887 00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:22,040 memory thinking about that the noise work. 888 00:52:23,080 --> 00:52:24,960 And some of these things, they don't always work. 889 00:52:24,960 --> 00:52:28,720 This is why it's a really good helpful practice to also kind of 890 00:52:28,920 --> 00:52:32,880 observe what you try and the consequences of of what you try, 891 00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:35,480 whatever that is, because. You did help that you know I'm 892 00:52:35,480 --> 00:52:40,960 not that kind of angry person to take out my anger that way. 893 00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:44,040 Well, I am that kind of angry person and the pillow didn't 894 00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:47,160 work for me. So yeah, your mileage may vary. 895 00:52:47,560 --> 00:52:49,120 That's what's important. What? 896 00:52:49,360 --> 00:52:50,840 What does she do? Sean. 897 00:52:51,160 --> 00:52:55,680 Sean, you said you check in and and we could do that every day. 898 00:52:56,360 --> 00:53:01,880 We could just say where by feeling it because yesterday's 899 00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:08,360 answer or tomorrow. Is right now that is a really 900 00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:11,560 good point to close with and let's take that throughout the 901 00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:13,240 week. Let's continue to check in with 902 00:53:13,240 --> 00:53:16,480 ourselves and see what's coming up so we can get this kind of 903 00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:19,560 wisdom from sitting with discomfort and whatever that is. 904 00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:23,120 So we'll close, and when we close, we like to say, may the 905 00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:27,640 fruit of our practice extend to all living beings, Swaha.