Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and everybody in betwixt,
welcome to the Lazy Boys podcast.
It's me, Mickey Bartlett. Me, William Thompson.
And today we've got a special guest, the delectable the
cunnilingual Leanne Mccurry, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. Thank you for having me.
Let's first of all a girl on. I was going to say it's a lazy
gal, an idol broad. A lesbian, a bi, and a going to
heaven. Yeah, class.
Unreal. I mean, that's the only joke I
made-up for this. So that's me done.
That's more than I've done anyway.
Yeah, maybe this is heaven. Everything with that.
Fuck, it'd be terrible. So we'll take it Denzies away
with she and then I, I yeah, looks like.
Denzi keeps taking our special boy like Denzi's our reserve
boy, and Shane keeps taking them.
Away. You're our special boy.
Johnny. Free, Carlo.
So what am I now? Am IA special.
You're part of the crew, part of the ship.
Special mom. You you'll mould in them,
curtains and all, like I've been here for 25 years.
I mould in the curtains all the time.
That's a fussy little joke. Oh, I just go through steps
ahead. They.
Call me Harry Corey. Follow me Harry Krishna that
change your life. I'm not going to have a fucking
consuming you to go for a. Culture.
I don't know what you're saying. Why?
Is that full culture? You know, culture.
I'm a cult. I'm from the countryside.
I'm really like one more. I can yell.
I yell now. See.
If I don't know that. You're a culture I know.
I know that's what you think. If you can't see Harden a wolf
100%, yeah, we probably are cousins.
Like, yeah. Do you think?
Are you food culture or are you culture adjacent?
I suppose geographically I'd be full, I'd be full culture, but I
wouldn't be culturally a culture.
Right. Geographically I'm the same.
I'd be geographically culture, but culturally a, you know, a
world traveller. Hello.
I did. I have to borrow my Maz car
today because the wagons in the shop and I realized that I have
culture bits of me because my man drives a Datsya Sundaro.
Oh and as I was driving I heard myself out loud say the word of
some poke when I show up. Flying machines are.
I'm not a 10 can. We're fucking a 2 liter peddler.
Just fuck flan. I overtook a naughty.
Poke in this yield. Cloudy.
You're not a culture? No problem.
I overtook 1. Yeah, but you'd call it naughty.
Oh, I call it naughty all right, because.
We're world travelers. You're a world traveller.
Exactly. Yeah, I sprackens the Deutsch,
you know. Phileas, Bartlett.
Phileas in this I don't know. I've got nothing.
I'm no, I'm fucked today.
How would I do so? 100 someone just.
Like, oh, do you see? I got badly sunburned.
I did see that actually what happened.
How do you manage that? So.
Well, there's a thing called the sun, yeah.
Dick Yeah, which we don't read because it's Prince Lies, but we
went went sunbathing and I was looking for sun cream, found
Canon oil, thought that's the. Same difference.
That's the exact same thing. It's not.
Canon Oil. Tanning oil.
I was wondering. Canon oil.
I was like what the fuck? That's like.
One in the 1800s. I like when it turns black.
I'm like, do we tester what at the start?
This is all going to be Dick jokes I.
Hear you open with that fucking Fanny.
Joke. Well, that's me done there.
We'll do Fanny jokes as well. We like to hit all the areas.
OK, Rogers Jones. Zoom, zoom all the walls.
So where are we sunbathing? Up in my gym, up in my, up in
the David Lloyds, it's a nice sweet health club.
This was a tanning bed incident as opposed to an alfresco
incident. Who the fuck's alfresco?
What's he been telling you? Don't listen to him.
Not evidence it was out in the sun bed.
Right. OK, not a tanning bed like you
were out like on a lounger. Actually, yes, lounger on an
actual sun bed by the poodle, right?
It's a very nice club. I will say, Joe, that's kind of
culture to get fucking roasted on an 18° day like.
I know, I know. Do you want to see me?
Put a ginger in you. Nah.
Oh yeah, there's ginger in my back.
No, I want a finger old. You don't enjoy 2 fellas hands
up there. I'll show you.
Hang on, Lost. Do you want me to hold your big
cup for your back? Thank you Mommy.
Right, check the shit out. I'm like 2 faced.
I'm peeling it. Not yet.
See. What it does you give me a.
Shot, I'll feed you and Cal Kenny stick it over.
You're like carbon. I'll show the camera 1st.
That's not that bad. That's not that bad.
That's. Not that bad.
It's went down the day after it was pure purple.
That's not that. Bad that that that Instagram
story was was. You looked red.
You looked like his fucking T-shirt.
No, the day after it was like pure, like an alcoholic's nose,
purple, like didn't bless her, but it was sore so.
It was interesting though. You said like an alcoholic's
nose and then looked at mine for a wee second.
An alcoholic? I just know how to have a good
time, Bobby. But it was fucking because it
was on one side of my body, because I just didn't change how
I was sitting the whole day. Every time I went to sleep I had
the lion, my left side and then I would turn over and my right
side would just go on. Fire I once got somewhere when I
was a kid, I was lying on a beach and donegall somewhere,
you know, as as you do, and my mom put tiles over me to stop me
getting sunburned, but messed just the wee bit of my thighs
below my earthquake like bum cheeks.
And then it just was like fucked just a bit awake.
Like she's like, we're going home, That's all this shit.
And I was like, we'll just stand up in the car.
She put a tile over here. She.
Put tiles all over me, like over my head, over my back, and then
there's one weak gap. Looking like someone had died.
On this age stage, you know, like a pile of iron.
Yeah, I often do like, but I think my mom was thinking his
big old badonkles shade him from the sun and some Holden was 7.
Like did you? Oh Jesus Christ, a wagonite was
dragon, right? Yeah.
Sexy. Yeah, he grew into that arse,
that boy. Did grow into it, I did.
And that's growing, yeah. Grew into my cock too.
I agree mate, that's some cock. When I was 7 stayed that.
Oh yeah, it's terrible. Seen the size that baby's neck
on that man? Oh wow.
Jeremy Beetle's thumb. No, it's just like other hand.
Don't be, Don't be. Sorry, so Bunker, you were at
the weekend. We were both done.
Oh, you were there as well. Well, I was in moth.
Actually, you were in moth TE. Tell you.
What one of the best nights ever Had a gig and I got there 6:50
and we walked out of the gig at 7:50.
Yeah, job done. Free bottle of whiskey.
Class I got. To give you all the general
whiskey. Yeah, fucking hell.
Yeah, it was very kind. I wasn't expecting that.
I know. Would you like whiskey, gin or
vodka? I was like, eh, take a gin.
Thanks very much. You said, you said to me, which
is like whiskey's and vodka. I went, ah, just what I need to
dodge there. Was also Haribo and dairy milks
and crisps. Zion and Tommy McCarthy was
there just planting a load of Haribo, I would tell.
You something right now, you missed you.
Stay over next time. I was fucking steaming for three
full days and I've never had a better weekend.
I got a message from a pub owner in Moncana who went Mickey, you
came through this time like a fucking tornado and everybody's
hungover and I was like, fucking us.
Good mom. Freddie you?
Were very excited about that whole.
I couldn't wait to get out. I was like, I was buzzing
because it was like a good, good weather.
I was doing 20s. Yeah, yeah.
You had the excitement for it that I have for this weekend
where we're in Kilcan. I tell you how fucking good it
was the hotel I was staying in. I went, we were out all night.
I went back to the hotel, I went as the bottom of the residence
bar open and the fella in the hotel went.
Well Sir, if you're drinking, I'm drinking too.
Hey? And me and him set up to half
six in the morning. Was this in the Lake of Shadows?
The Lake of Shadows. I probably shouldn't sit out
loud because you get in trouble, but.
We go out together, you go to bed by like half 12 but some
random can't work it for free. The guy in the desk at the Shine
and you'll stay up with him to have.
Sex. It was for free, you know what I
mean? Get me drunk enough, you know
it's for free as well. That's true.
Fuck me, you're not paying for anything that's.
Fucking horseshit. The last time me and you went
out, you fucked off after the big platter of meat.
You're like, I'm stuffed, I'm going to go home.
No, I. Was that a euphemism or what?
No, we just we just got just a board of meats it.
Was classic. It was.
The best happened. All day because you're bored.
I went out because you went I want to go do a gig and I went,
no, I want to keep drinking. I kept drinking like.
Yeah, but to do again, I'm not fucking going to work drunk.
That's. Why you'll never be as God?
Forgive. What is that all about?
What like I I. Wouldn't be averse to it.
I most of the gigs I did in my place I was drunk.
He's unprofessional bastards. No, that means you're class at
it. If you're a bus driver, you
wouldn't show up drunk now. I would.
It depends. If I was driving a glider
fucking right, I would go. We didn't see me swing a hole in
this thing. It's a noise I'd make because I
don't know how to hamburger A. Blast sound like a tired actor.
You know I can't say that word. What's crack with yourself,
Leon? Just.
The huge mate. Just the huge I.
Don't know what the huge is that's.
Being me, just being, being horrible.
You're not horrible hitting on people.
You're not a horrible person. You're a lovely, lovely woman.
Not a horrible person, but. Fuck me, you can make a good
tray beak. So everybody says, I know it
didn't bring any, I'm very sorry.
I want to say something though, I thought you didn't drink.
No. Do you drink?
I'm just not very good at it. Sensei, I'll teach you another
thing. Yeah.
No, I'm not. I'm not great.
I don't like losing control. Do you know that you wouldn't be
losing control? With us, no.
But, you know, whatever. Do.
You know, whatever you hit that relaxation plan.
Nope. I'm like, no.
What are you? Are you?
Are you honestly drunk? No, not at all.
Not at all. I'm a very, very tactile, the
first friendly it Not unless you're good looking.
I no, not at all, not at all. Very very very friendly, not
contrary and just love hugging people and all.
You hug when you used to project.
Oh God. I yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Where's that Christmas Gen.
Dam? Let's get a coggle.
What are you? Is there actually Jen over?
Yeah, it was Shane's Christmas Present 2023.
Very good. Who?
Got me and I can't take it home because because it was a
present. You can.
Yes, you can. It's not a present anymore.
How long has it been here? There's there's about 5 bottles
of gin in this building that have been present for him for
the last two or three years. But I bought gin.
No, clearly not. He he hates when you're buying
presents and you know he doesn't like it goes ah, cheers.
Like he can't. He can't disguise that he
doesn't like it. Yeah, if it doesn't say Beckham
on the back of he doesn't give a fuck.
I got one that said semen. He's like, why would you get me
this? I'm like, because you like
football? And semen.
Yeah, you'd hate it.
I know. Have you ever asked a day in
your life? No, no, I have not.
Never. You never even tried it.
I had one in my hand one night. Was it attached to someone?
Or yeah, it was. It won't come off.
You were doing it wrong. Yeah, no, but I've never, you
know, I've never, I've never spoken to one.
No, no. Sprack in sea dirt no.
Definitely not, no. No this thing on any students
in. But you gave on a cuddle after a
few drinks, did I right? OK.
And you just knew immediately all the.
Don't make water hot enough to scrub that shit off.
She's not wrong. Like how many times a day you
go? My hands was like Dick.
All the time. Yeah, brutal.
Especially when I'm about to go out.
I'm like, why is my hands back? Touch my Dick.
I was just what, like probably lingers.
I'm going to get this lingered, actually.
Yeah. No, not for me.
Not for me, No. No.
I wasn't a friendly. We like guess we go another to
see the crackers like. It wasn't a fucking Game Boy
like it was a fucking 1989. When we says it's my turn on the
cock. And deck dress.
One up. No, no, it was, it was, it was
after some sort of, you know, party night out, some sort of.
Why do you talk like an alien who's just came to Earth?
It was after some because. You're here and I need to
fucking. I'm familiar with a party, Leon,
are you? It was like after Are you
familiar with the party after some sort of party night out?
Are you familiar with the fucking party?
Are you with the yes? I hate your kind.
I think I'm lesbian. Yeah, 2 stereotypes.
The price of 1. So it's after some sort of
beverage taking Suarez, yes. Yeah, it was after it was over a
night out in the relic in Yuri Do where that is No fuck.
Off Then no. Desire.
Even I don't know. Where that is you're probably
not be changed that stage. What did you?
29 Fuck off. Yeah, so in a taxi too.
Yeah, dark. My girl wants to party all the
time. So then did that your next time
I'll just pay the fire. No.
The one would do you realize I thought it was a gear stick.
No, I was in, I was in the back with it with some some young
fellow that just came in for the crack.
So we'll take a lift and then it's just all it all went per
shaped. You know.
And yeah, it was brutal. Fuck, he said something like
come in your taxi for the banter overlook.
For the banter. Everybody's had a back of a taxi
experience where you go, ah, that was bad.
Now that was bad. I like, I like be in the back of
a taxi with the lady and she literally held her hand back up
like that. I thought the driver couldn't
see what was going on. I was like, he can 100% he was
going. On like.
You're dead. He's.
Like you're a merry. Pot and it's just like and by
the way you talk about yourself. What did she just like, lob it?
I was like, hi, I can see you're deadly.
I said taxi drivers will never complain if someone gets.
Attacked. I reckon taxi driver and taxis
have stopped after that video during COVID.
Yeah, there's no way I'd have that anymore.
Which one was that? Oh, them too.
They were right. OK.
I can't be he was the. Taxi driver's the weirdest one
out of all. Of that I would say they see
some fucking weird shit though every weekend like if you ever
if you ever see it like get I got picked up by a taxi at 8:00
on a Sunday morning right and the guy had done it all like no,
but the guy had done an all nighter and I was like how you
getting on? He's like, and he just like
ranted about the amount of weird shitty team.
Yeah, and in the space of 2-3 hours in Lurgan, like there must
be a fucking horrible. Team and I get picked up there
and they've done it all nighter. I'll just go.
I don't really want to talk to you.
And he's like Nah and I'm like powerful five stars.
I just not speak. That wouldn't fly down in your.
Eye so we've no Uber down Lurgan like.
Yeah, no, I've. Actually the phones but there in
10 minutes. I don't mind like a wee chat but
see if it's I'm sending out vibes and I'm like I don't
really want to talk. See, in an Uber, I talk at you.
An Uber, I'll often go, man, I'm really sorry.
I've got a bit of work to do huge.
If I put my headphones in and then I put the headphones in,
don't listen to music in case he's talking a bit more.
Jesus, that's the most paranoid shit I've heard in a long.
Time I also did one time I got to get a taxi to the Stand
comedy club and the guy was like, who's on your night?
And I went, Oh, I don't know. It was like, because I didn't, I
didn't want to get into the conversation about, Oh, I'm a
comedian because you always end up like fucking who's your
favorite one of you met this, you know, who's fucking Brendan
Roy, all that shit. And he goes, what do you do?
And I just told him my dad's job when all working shorts in
Belfast building aircraft parts. He goes, my brother works and
then all of a sudden I'm pretended and I I was like, I
should have just fucking told him as a comedian.
When you say you were civil servant.
Didn't even think, I just panicked.
I don't think he's going to be that chatty like.
Bad times, I know. I was a guy, yes, the Flandry.
I think it was an inside job, you know?
Yeah. What would you be doing if you
weren't a comedian? Don't say something's fucking.
Probably civil service to be honest.
I'd say you're a teacher. Nah, I didn't say a good one.
Oh yeah, I'd be one of them teachers.
Like fucking. You don't know how the world
works. Guys, don't watch a video.
Fuck off and watch one. Well, watch a video.
No way she's faking that. We see this taxi driver.
What would you do? Probably a teacher. 100%.
I'd be a good teacher like. You'd be a technology assistant,
that's what you'd be. Yeah, we want the one handed
fucking Craftsman. Exactly.
They'd be all like. They'd have to give you the job
and be like. OK, you've to build me a new
splint. Come on in, everybody.
All Willie works here, Willie. You do work here, don't you,
Willie? Willie can't use the base.
That's his advice. That's the problem.
I would. Love.
You'd put your arm on a gut and kids put bits of wood and sound
it. You just fucking.
Well, you can't. That's my drunk truck.
And people are like, how disabled are you?
It's like the sword and the stone.
You can't straighten that arm at all.
At all. It's the most culture reaction
of our at all now, not even at all.
Sure, you go get the go. I'm not touching that.
Guy touch it, get the fuck? What do you mean like straighten
it like? I'm not tensing.
That's mad, I didn't know that. Joe's really funny as well.
If you do this, enough water comes out of.
His life. Oh lazy boys.
Merch mate, it's just a wee. Statue on me.
The same with the Africa. There's a wee Willy will.
Imagine getting stuck on the bottom of a Willy will.
And then you find that it's for choker in your fucking fume.
Everyone's doing shirts and hats.
No one's doing well. Let's do it.
Yeah. Give it a go.
Don't hurt me.
What? Transfer it.
Really see if you try to put downs down it goes shut up.
That was a bit like that experience in the taxi.
I wish you lowered, wish you lowered.
Most of the time we get out. Oh, anyway.
Class What about you? What?
What do you do? Do you still run the cafe?
Are you? Fucking serious?
Serious. Is there something wrong with
you? Like.
She's yeah, she's a pillar of the community.
Is there something wrong? Yeah, we just did 5 minutes.
Here, have you done any gigs in the cafe over the last two
years, you fucking plum? What you really is a mental
health counselor and the berate you just give him.
I think you're going to lose a few appointments.
What I. Mean voices.
There's one people, one person speaking.
You're mad cunt. One people I no it closed two
years ago that's that forms most of my act that you don't
obviously watch do you miss it? No, no, incorrect.
No, I don't miss it at. All what do you do?
Now then, I work in my granny and granddad's convenience
store. It's a shop.
Sorry I probably over explained that.
Called Sad Lad. 7:00 to 9:15. Close Zombies.
I wish so do that and then I also do a bit of gigging and I I
am actually a counsellor. Thank you, Michael.
You're a mental health counsellor.
Fuck. It's very good one too, she
fixed. Me, it's a counsellor.
I'm wearing shorts. Yeah, I, I empowered him.
I actually that, is that actually what you do?
Yes, because you're so fucking mean.
That's why she's good at. It Am I in the room?
Are we in the room? Are we in a therapeutic session?
No, we're not. I don't know, no.
You argued. No, we're not.
I was saying the contract. Can you?
Cure it? No to cure.
Do you do like conversion therapy?
Conversion therapy. If I could, I would.
Straight ones gay like she. Could convert you to be in
sound. Fucking good luck there, yeah.
Steve Irwin Shorts. I have.
Right enough. What's wrong with my wee shorts?
I'm wearing shorts, man. There's no name about like a
slutty John Cena and I'm wearing.
Yeah, I feel like fucking Daisy Duke.
I'm so glad I didn't wear my dunks.
I specifically I was like I know that fucker, I'll be wearing
dunks, that's why I wore these instead.
Where are your dunks man? We can both dunk, man.
No, but mine are exactly the same as his and then it would
just look like. I'm so glad I didn't wear my
trunks. Let me see your dunks or good
dunks. Man, where do we also call them
dunks? By the way, I missed that memo.
Fuck it. What else?
What do you call them? Shoes all right.
Trainers got his. She got his.
She called them dunks, and then we'll get left out.
I don't know why they're called dunks.
Because you don't get them. I don't know.
Google out somebody. Look.
It up. Ask.
Me why they're called dogs
click. I mean, just tell me what comes
up because you're the same color.
Yes, because we have. There's been several times where
you've turned up the gigs. In this, I know.
Yeah, Yeah. And then we're gigging together
tonight. We should.
We should dress exactly the same.
What? Are you wearing denim shirt
dunks? Black jeans.
Why are you so accurate? Because I was going to wear that
myself. Oh yeah, do you went through you
know, you're we like eh, gaudy shirt fears.
You know you're we chip and deal shirts.
Which one's not short? Short sleeve pattern ones.
Oh, why the ones were too tight. The the floral ones.
The Floral. Ones.
Yeah, yeah, I'm going to go and get one of them.
I think we should both wear them together.
Would look like Chippendale. We'll go to the rescue.
Rangers, do you understand that? No, because I'm young.
We'll go to the we'll. Go shopping after this now and
get the exact same one. Is there a bariatric fucking
menswear are you? You're right now.
Like we're both, why the fuck off?
I'm not fucking wearing shorts though.
I know I could. I can't wear shorts on stage
that twice in my life died my whole and I blame the shorts.
Why? Why?
Because I. Think the entire audience is
going look at the legs. So we're concentrating on your
fucking comedy. Settings for the pins.
Do we have that? I've never noticed.
You have a well. Lovely weed dancers legs, yeah.
Well toned calf. You have.
That's why we're that tattoo. You have the same as me.
Like I was short because my calves are lethal.
You're the same as me, like wee skinny legs but big shoulder.
Like Mr. Incredible. Yeah, somebody told me recently,
like Johnny Bravo, when I actually took it as a
compliment, I was like, I loved to look like him.
And then and then I went, that is me like.
Yeah, I can see. Talking about doing karate
though. But because I'm the same, so
like I'm a top heavy man so your torso looks bigger because I'm
held up by these wee matchsticks, I.
Think it's the only reason I have tone calves as I'm carrying
all this. That's a good point, actually,
yeah. The fact that I don't fall over
every time I stand up. Yeah.
Do you know what I? Mean.
Yeah, take it. Does it look like a toffee
apple? Yeah, moving this body uphill.
But I need to be kinder to myself.
Don't you get all therapeutic on us now?
Yeah. The self, the self loathing
statements that have just all tumbled out here but.
I told her earlier she needs to be kinder to herself because she
was mean to herself a minute and I was like, will you be fucking
nice? What did you say about yourself?
Fat cunt. Probably some derive It's not
not true. Fucking it's not not true.
She if you come in the lazy, which is a world of kindness as
it I there's a world of friendship and.
Warp right? It's not right, Sir.
It's a friendship. Yeah, listen, that we faggot
spa. There's not a fucking drunken
cunt. Because we're the two best
friends. We said I'd love no loathing
here I. Don't want to be loved by use?
Why not you do? Yeah, you do do.
You love him, don't wanna be loved.
Him maybe could turn her. She told me that to my face or
stomach. No, you're turning me.
You wouldn't wanna be loved by me now, don't want my affection.
I'd say you'd be itchy. The Hog.
Just in general. Just to be around.
You're like you, what makes sense?
Crumbs. You'd be like, you'd be like an
errand crumb in the bed. You just can't.
You're like. You go look for something on the
side of yourself and you're a lot of mini Chevy.
Yeah, something like that. Describe me?
No, that's spot on. Does that mean?
Yeah, sorry. No, it's not mean, I'm sorry.
It's spot on why they called Dunks down.
Yeah, named after the famous basketball slam dunk.
Oh yeah, told you, Kobe. As that baller.
I wasn't that I was a three pointer, was it?
I never played that, but do you ever play sport in school?
I well, not really, no. Try to get out of it as much as
possible. I had many a PE note.
Yeah. Michael can't do P today.
Why couldn't be fucked? Period.
Written by you. Yeah, my dad was telling me a
story in the public, but he was watching us play football in
primary school. I got she's.
Fucking Christ. And he said I was, I was doing
defence and I was standing like leaning against the goalpost
talking about mate. And the ball came in and I
walked towards it and it bounced over my head and somebody scored
and I was just like. It's done now.
We always wanted those like Teacher.
I can't do it. And see, I went to all girls
school. So yeah, you did like six weeks
of fucking Kamogi, six weeks of netball, six weeks of fucking
like Greek dance and mad shit. You stop for us flatly in it.
Yeah. Me and you'd be Chris, stop for
us flatly, like one way we fucking would.
There's no way just. Fucking stay here.
You can be same in Karl. There's no way I'd be get not
got out. Like have you seen we starve
Ross? He's he's on tech talk.
He's very loud though. He looks just like his.
Dad, he looks exactly like his dad he was.
He was doing some funky hip hop dance Saturday in the same rig
out that he had on him fucking 20 years ago.
Is his dad still going? Oh, good, good.
I'd worry about that. But yeah, he's.
Still going? No, but that's, that's Greek
fat. Yeah.
That's all healthy olive oils. Yeah.
Salt. Osaka.
That's Japanese. That's a fairpoint.
It's. Not like me fat.
So I mean like they're all fat in the front.
There's not like I bet you're in the back where you go.
That doesn't even belong to that.
Person No, you don't. No, you don't.
You don't. You have you, you have
dysmorphia. That photograph of of that cool
photo that my mate took walking away like you're there's nothing
to you at the back. You're just, you're just, you're
just, you're all, you're all stacked.
You're you're you're too much. And tell him he's fucking
sacked. You're 3 sober months away from
looking fantastic. That's never going to happen.
I. Know, I know.
I know I think I do a body dysmorphia, but sometimes it's
the positive kind. Like, do you know when you see
like a Jack Russell walking behind a Rottweiler and the Jack
Russell's like same? I'll be like that.
Like I'll be in a McDonald's and see a guy who's jacked and I'll
look at him like, what are we doing here?
If you did a, if you did a cut, you'd be like, fucking do you
know what I mean? That's ridiculous that I like.
I can do a cut until about a Friday and then I go no.
Do you deserve pints? You, you'd be smashing it and I
would just text you mom and you would do it.
Look over like. Yeah, yeah, just yeah.
Pants. I love pants.
Yeah, I fucking love you. Really.
Hello. I see at that punk carnival, I
drank like on Monday, what was 23°?
And I was like, I can't get warm.
It's freezing. I broke broke my own records the
weekend like. How?
When did the hangover hit? So on the Sunday I wasn't going
to drink and I was like literally just going to drive
home. And then half the crowd that at
the last gig was doing was like, come on, the fuck, we're
upstairs. So we're in that old Flaherty's
bar. You didn't make the Flaherty's.
And at one point there was a band playing that played the
Fields of Athenry. And I genuinely thought the pub
itself was going to grow legs, walk over the border and start
kicking Protestants. It was the best day of my
fucking life. That's all.
Sharon Finn. It's so bad.
I was picking people up, just walking over to me and be like,
I nursed you like a baby and they're going, I'm going to head
Sir. And I just left men.
Why is become a new favorite thing to do?
It's just it's just you go to the biggest fellow.
They probably go, hey, do anybody just left you and you
look at you like can you and then can you go?
So you're strong. You're strong, boy.
I'm. A big, strong boy, yeah.
He's a strong boy. Yeah, but it's fun.
You'll see me doing it over the weekend.
Now you've said to me at Kilkenny, we can drive home on
the Sunday or we are booked into the hotel on the Monday and I
like I looked at the gig time and I went 10:00 on a Sunday,
you're going to drive home. I had no chance.
Yeah. No chance.
No, no, I've also been offered to play 5A side on the Sunday
morning. Well, they've got the big
football match in there. Haven't.
They 5A side shame was like, oh Jamal play it.
I was like if I'm not hungover and he just didn't reply to me.
This is one of these situations where someone will go, do you
want to go watch it? And I'll go, aye.
And then I will not go. So those I've said I'll do it,
but I've I've already put in the excuse of if I'm hungover, I'm
not did. That not used to be a full 11
society like was it not Ireland versus the rest of the world was
the the big thing for Kenny for years I.
I don't know what's the time. Yeah, I think it was.
I don't know. So who's on the five side team?
I've no fucking idea, I've just been offered to.
Play Shane be the heap. Yeah, pretty much.
She. I know my Grace plays a bit.
Chris Kendall, play a bit. Chris Kendall play a bit, Andrew
ran. Yeah, probably.
He'll play a bit. I can't imagine Andrew ran
playing football. It's my favorite thing to watch
ever. It's like he'd be unimpressed
with everything. It's like you ever watch horse
racing and someone's dogs got out and he's running alongside
the horses. OK, It's very much that right?
It's fantastic. I remember him playing when he
had the perm look like hard Henry's we brother and sent
their Med like fucking class. Diego Madonna, I was a football
pun. Are we not talking about
football? Now people get angry.
Are you say, but you set that up like it use fucking.
No making. He's absolutely dead.
That's good people arguing in the.
Comments. I don't know what I'm doing.
Yeah, stop that. I fucking hate football.
Do you I? Fucking hate us.
OK. Another funny thing though, in
baccarat again, there was there was Donegal was playing who
don't, I don't even know their name, but they had it streaming
on the TV in the pub. But obviously somebody had like
some sort of dodgy VPN on their phone because there were text
messages coming through. Oh, really?
And. Then everybody in the pub
started messaging the fellows class.
Did you send a fee in? No, I didn't.
Andrew was telling me, but I was already too pitched.
Ah. For fuck, I'm raging on my slip.
Brilliant I. Was already down for the meant
to be down for Sunday but I couldn't get down sadly.
Class. I know it was such a good.
Weekend, it looked like. Especially without fucking
weather too. It was such a good weekend like.
I was just busy fucking cooking. Did you stay?
Over at all. No for fuck.
Sake I was working the next day. Allow yourself some fun.
You have to do what you have to do.
More than the Kenny. More.
Well, Monica. Kenny tomorrow, No.
I'm very busy. I'm a busy girl.
When we can, we Fort in our room and I'll tell each We can all
talk about boys. We're standing different hotels,
but we'll get to beans and a string, right?
OK. Or I'll just ring you 26.
What? How was the cinema?
Don't know because on the Saturday I did the cinema and I
was peshed full full drunk OK and don't really remember.
Doing the game, it looked really cool, yeah.
It looked good, Greg, but yeah, I don't remember doing it.
I'm so excited for this. This but I'm going to be
professional this weekend. It's my first time.
I kept last. I'm like hello, nice to meet
you. Hello.
Yes, Oh yes, I would love to work.
With you, it's also mine. I'm not drink during the shows
but after. Oh, I'm doing that like.
That's the dogs assembly. All right.
You try to talk culture. What?
What I'm trying to do at the Fed, I can't do it.
Can't do it. Your people turn.
Your people turn me.
Don't start this shit now I know the last time with this
conversation of people turning you very nice.
Yeah, don't say. I don't know.
No, that's not, that's not. This is your first cat laughs
then. Is it?
Yes. Both of you, yeah, right.
OK, we've. Not done it before.
Sweet. Very nervous I.
Only recently found out you see that if you want to do comedy
festivals you have to ask to be on.
So I spent 15 years being like any any chance?
The amount of times you've been to me, how did you get that?
And I went, who did you ask? And you're like, I haven't.
I'm like, OK, well, we've established the. 1st I had the
same conversation with Kezie but Donegal 1 he was like I wasn't
asked. I was like no you'd ask them.
He went what we all thought it was a meritocracy, it turns out
now. So how do you ask?
Do you like submit your request and write an?
E-mail address and go Hi, can I come down and go?
Yeah. Many games you want to.
Send the clips, send the bio. And that's you sorted.
Actually didn't have to do that. Like finally you've learned how
to do an e-mail. See, I don't like asking for
anything. I'm the same.
That's that is that is culture thing that's.
A culture thing that is a definite culture.
Why? Oxford.
I wouldn't want to be annoying them.
I that's, that's exactly it, right?
I I want him was in a fucking pub with somebody.
No, it was somebody's house, sorry.
And they said you want to pint, do you want a beer?
And I went Nah, and I just went OK and kept drinking and I was
going no, you're supposed to. Go.
You asked me five times. And then you go and that's.
And then I sat the whole night with like that because I didn't
want to know. He felt a big one, actually.
Can I have one of those? Yeah.
So I just listen to a drunk man while I.
It's Catholic guilt. Yeah, it's definitely like it's
a thing that never leaves you. Fire because my attitude is
don't ask, don't get, you know, within.
The way he's asked for the six counties.
We kind of missed that. It was a bad connection.
It was a Jeremy Corbyn. Moment say you I wasn't there.
I don't mean like I'm at 19. Are you doing it?
Are you doing on to fucking apologize for it?
What the fuck do I need to apologize for it?
I don't. Know it was it was like when I
got here. I just like closing down the
town what, every July? Yeah, listen, I'm who helped the
Nazi show no more, right? Which side?
In the South, but we're not
we're we're the second class citizens didn't help them, but
just. Give them some submarines and
stuff. Actually, I think you'll find
that the fucking Brits were kind of helping the Nazis for the
start. Of it I doubt that the start.
Of it was it was, you know, hear Hitler sound start of the.
War, the war helped them. They were out war with.
The prequel to The War. Were you there?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You prove I won there.
You prove I won't. Probably you were there.
But if you'd have been there, you'd been in camp.
For many reasons. So that I get the corner train
special car regional giddy up. Giddy up I'd have been, I'd have
been on it with you like I'd had my wee more wee black triangle
and. Would you not have faked?
As a Sarasis or. What, being straight to avoid
been gassed? No way.
Staunch lesbian, yeah. Absolutely go down like.
It's just a shark, thank fuck. And it probably volunteered to
be gases because I drank everything.
There's no snaps left. Fucking guess it going out
there. Fucks not passed off that.
Wow that was so staunch. Ever.
That's the name of the. Episode I watched the I watched
the pedo hunters video the other day and the guys in the Linfield
top right, it's over in England and he's he's the guy says
something. He's like, Oh, lucky it wasn't
this day. And then this guy goes, oh, look
at the Irish and the guy goes not fucking Irish, even even in
the midst of going down as a nonsense.
He's like fucking I'm a British nuts, thank you very much.
Do you see a collar on me? You see rosary beads there.
Is a difference. Like kids, but nothing.
I'm not a fucking pervert. It's the anger, the flashes.
That's your triggers. You need to manage your
triggers. Can't call me anymore.
I mean, I said it's not mine. I certainly don't give a fuck
like. About what that phenians or
being a paedo? No being being called Irish.
Would you rather be called paedo or be called Irish?
Irish what is OK but quits? Just not the stupidest question.
Wait, you delivered that shows in Syria?
Like that's happened to you or something?
You're fucking dealing with here, do you?
Know what I mean? Not the audience of Nolan mate.
Like fucking hell not yet. Would you rather be Irish or a
paedo wall Which which passport cues short a.
Paedo on the 1st it only goes to the littles and James.
One way tickets. That's the announcement.
Could Jimmy Samuel please return to the Peter King?
I'm trying trying. I'm trying to come up with
something I can't. The brains is not as addled as
used to. I just love the idea of someone
not wanting the baby know but seeing how short the key is.
It's like a moral dynamic. The paedo metal detector.
You should bend over again. What?
Do you mean it can't text sweets woman just bag volcano surprise?
Who's PC gone madness. Can't even take fucking sweets
to the paedo wedding. It's my holiday ruined.
I'm. Not fucking buying them there
they expect because they know you're looking at them there as
fuck. There's been a sex offender
caught in the middle of the ocean.
I thought they said it was a pedal though.
Basically, the copies weren't not much sleep last night.
But yeah, I would say I'm Irish. That's good.
And Northern, I'd be both. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think we all do. Like this I'm a greedy bastard
so every available. Option I say I'm Northern Irish
when I'm in Northern Ireland and then you fucking.
I dream Muslim like I'll take everything don't give a fuck.
So I mean every identity box. I love how you I'm not, I'm not
in the audience of Nolan, but yet you said Muslim.
I thought for breakfast. Muslim.
Sorry, Muslim. Wait.
Why? No, she's proper culture.
She calls him homie fuck. I do not.
I'm a counselor.
I do not what. Would you say Muslim?
Muslim. Keep this going.
Because this is going to be your Keck Muslim Muslim.
Muslim Muslim Muslim Muslim Muslim Muslim.
That wouldn't be. Absolutely not.
So wait, that's pigs. That's pigs.
I don't I don't see breeds. That's the word I was looking
for. I just.
The worst farmer ever. Prime Curry, though, for you.
Sausage. You can get milk out of sausage.
Corny tail Vegan sausage. Milk out of a sausage.
No, you didn't even hear. It.
I deserved more Right as fuck. Your joke, that was beautiful.
Say it again so everyone can hear.
It I literally laughed. No, we didn't want.
To hear it the first time, we're not going to hear it I.
Literally laughed at. It I needed a minute.
It was very, very funny. It was very funny.
It's fucking roasting. It's fucking roasting.
I wish I'd wore my shorts. I literally paused and I
laughed. At it.
Sorry you didn't laugh enough. I deserved more.
You. Fucking tell me, I'll tell you.
And I've laughed enough I. Made it weird.
I did. I did did.
Anyone see the news this week that?
God Dancer. Armando Iannucci is going to
write the next Paddington Bear movie.
That's my fucking dream movie, mom.
That's my dream movie, Armando Iannucci wrote sake of it.
I don't know, Partridge. Do do Partridge.
He's involved in some capacity stolen.
I'll be very Hey bro, Paddington movie will not.
Paddington's the new Malcolm Tucker Outstanding.
That would be the best. Have you ever seen Think of it?
Bits and pieces just padding to me and like this.
This is a fucking disgrace, you dirty fucking cunt.
Yeah, who ate my fucking sandwich?
You fucking useless spineless fucking Jelly cunt.
Stop fucking blinking you cunt is.
This when he's doing the bed with the Queen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Why did you pay off the fucking nuns you stupid bitch?
Everyone thinks my fucking pedo protectors.
This fucking cunt says he can't sweat.
Fucking. I just love anything.
Have you ever seen the Paddington movies?
No What? A 43 year old woman.
Of course I've seen huffing Paddington movies.
No, it's not it. Is.
No, it's not. It's too late for us.
It's like, it's like if somebody hasn't seen Star Wars by the age
of 12, they're not going to get anything.
I've never seen Star Wars. Too late for you?
Well, we're going to have a lovely time watching Paddington
and Star Wars. Do you want to get stoned to me
and go to the new Star Wars film?
No. Come on.
No, come on. Do you get Stern dunks, big lad?
I wear a dunk. Wear a dunk on.
The Academy with me and we'll go see padding.
It's really good. He comes out, I'm gay.
He. Comes out of the raincoat.
I'm saying he's out of the Queen's hole.
No, no, I'm good, I'm good. I just I don't get the whole
Paddington thing. What are you not so?
British. It's, I think that's I, you
know, I think so. British.
Why? I'm saying there, it's very
British. OK, now Paws and roads, the
movie would be straight there. Who the fuck is poaching?
Oh, go away with it. Horizon, I thought you knew your
history. The zag and zag movie blur in a
heartbeat. Lad, not a chance.
The gem, I'm not being a tech. What?
What are they? I don't know.
Zag and zag where? The zag and zag used to be on
British TV is on. A Big Breakfast?
Yeah, that's true. So who's?
Pause and Raj. They were like.
Humans zag and zags, Yeah. But they were both puppets.
Yeah, right. So, Podge Roger, how do you even
describe Podge Roge? Just just to Louis Walsh.
Yeah, it was like a late night like puppet puppetry show with
the interview people, right? OK, but it'd be ignorant cons.
But it was puppets. Nobody could get angry.
Right. Yeah, OK, it.
Was basically the two most hatefulest old men in a pub who
were never married who just say rude things to people in Yeah.
Imagine the took the two young fellas in The Muppets, fed them
full of pints and give them like modern accents.
Yeah, OK. I'm with you.
Yeah, I mean very funny. It's not a very funny story.
I mean it's. It's no Paddington, but I mean
it's. Better than Paddington.
No, it's so lovely. Like he's just so nice.
I saw a clip the other day and it was of the Chuckle Brothers
live show, right? Did you see, did you see the
clip I'm talking about? And it's like, which one's Paul?
Which one's Barry? Barry's the tall one.
Paul's dead. Paul's dead.
He's the wee one. Well, Theresa, all right.
So Paul gets into like a big they're going to cut a bit of
wood. What a shock.
And Paul gets into the box with like a hole in the box and he's
going to put the wood through the holes.
He doesn't cut his fingers, but it's it's perfectly deck height.
Yeah, I'll to load it like it just looks like a big old deck,
but it would to me to you. And he has it.
And he's, he's proper. He's getting the wood.
Yeah, like. But that was the 80's, the 90s
when you could be a children entertainer and a dirty bastard.
And the kids are like now like. The Crankies.
Like the cranky? You want you don't know the
cranky. I knew.
I knew of the cranky, to be honest with you.
I'm only three years younger than you, but I only.
I know them because my mom was terrified of Jim, Jim, Jimmy
Cranky. His name is actually Jeanette,
Yeah. But the character was Jimmy
Cranky. Yes, yeah, yeah.
Terrified. I I never thought, I never paid
any heat today. Like, oh, this seems perfectly
acceptable. There's a small child here with
an older man and they just go about their business and then.
Like turns out of his wife. Turns out it was like the main
was blown. Not a bit of wonder.
Everybody in the 80s perverts. But then they were.
They're dirty swingers. I am glad I was going to say
that and I'm like if I made this up.
No, that was like a big thing where there were keys in the
bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
A. Lot of pair of car keys and
Jimmy crying. Would you be fucking?
Raging. Fuming.
Like what do you do with the gangbang?
Isn't it? Is it going?
You probably want to fucking. He probably would have read him
more as a wee boy than as the actual woman.
To be fair, I know what that means.
Yeah, I don't. Again, Catholics, instead of
somewhere you'd ride me and you in the pedo queue.
Scoot. You'd ride him in the schoolboy.
In the schoolboy guys, as opposed to in her normal way, as
fucking weird weird. It was weird like.
Watching your wife coming down the dress and going and I'd do
better as a wee boy. You're not there and put that
Victorian schoolboy. Everybody quickly.
Where's your satchel? They're caught up here any
minute and you're wearing a thong.
Yeah, fucking slut. Get upstairs and put that
schoolboy. You couldn't.
Have got a thongs like she's borderline like.
Dwarf. Yeah, tiny.
I don't think borderline, I think she's fully was a dwarf.
No, no, she wasn't like Nah, no done Google there.
For fish. Which is what the speaking Lord
of the Rings. She did.
I think she is dead. Read to death, yeah.
Forgot her lunch money three days ago.
Starved. Oh, I'm.
So hello. We're in dark territory.
Here and Dan's concentrating so hard that I'm not concentrating
on Dan. I'm so interested they have
Janette Janine Cranky. Jeanette, what did you call the
fit? What did you call the husband?
Just Mr. Cranky Mr. Cranky. Standing around 4 feet 5 inches
inches. On our back.
Not medically a dwarf, nor did she play a dwarf character.
I thought Anahan under 410 was dwarf.
No. Are there not other
considerations for dwarfs not other physical?
Was she a major? Like what?
What? What?
There needs to be 7 of them in a room at any time.
I have to work on a Chocolate Factory.
If they're not inside R2D2, it doesn't.
Count not inside fucking Mr. Cranky.
It doesn't count. Have you always gone Oh?
I find something really funny or I've done something that's a wee
bit near the knuckle I'll do. Do you say she was standing on
five foot 4 inches or sitting? On 4 foot 2 but it looked like a
beside her. That's shocking.
That's why I love. Them.
Were you wanking up the television when you were
watching the Crankies? That'd be weird.
I wasn't wagging. No, no, they weren't on Nah.
So what was your like? What would be your stand out
like late entertainment? My were a lot of like American
TV shows, so like SpongeBob, fairly old parents.
But like Saturday night off your bath, what was watching?
I'm back Saturday night take. Away.
Oh shit. You won't.
Can't you don't even you've never been to know.
Because one arms blind, it's woke.
No, they're just too, because. You've never been to Noel
Edmonds house party, have you? Oh, no.
You never had the deal with guns.
Every all day Saturday. People are getting guns.
Yeah, they're from morning, noon and night, Sir, back in the day,
people getting covered in guns. We're happy to have it.
We were happy to have it just as I looked like ice cream, but it.
Wasn't it's gone. You go on a Wednesday here, get
your own back. What's happening now?
Someone's getting guns, get your own.
Back come in school the Mondays here guns.
Here's fun house or guns ever. Fucking NTV as well.
Remember there was that that whole thing when there would be
for some reason, it'd be surreptitious CCTV in in a
living room. And Google Sir pictures for.
Me and then Noel, Noel Evans be like, no, no for MTV, and it'll
be some woman sitting in her dress and going watching the
television. And then he'd be like Mabel
Hinchcliffe, you're on the telly.
That should be all. Like what the fuck?
Because I've seen like, Michael McIntyre sneaking in the
celebrities bedrooms these days and you go, that's none.
Sneaking into your. No, it's like, no, because the
celebrities wake up in their bed and they go, they're all done
up. And you're like, I know that's
not that's not true because Mabel Hinchliff would have been
there if I got stressed. Or do not I'm.
Just imagining to be like Mickey Bartlett, you're on TV.
And I don't start until the Telman I was fast asleep to you.
What we up watch is. With an orange this like.
I want guns back on TV. Give it 2 minutes.
That's great, no? We'd see the UK as well for like
Saturday. Oh, Saturday mornings.
I, I mean I Saturday mornings for it.
But like our Saturday mornings, were both live and kicking.
Live and kicking, Andy. Peters on everything.
Oh, a man hasn't aged today. Hasn't it?
But it doesn't crack. That's right.
Yeah. What's up doc?
Do you remember it? No.
OK, that's the one Mark spit. Do you remember that one?
No. Oh, Crater.
God love him. No.
No, no, I think it was an. ITV One.
Rest in peace watchers. Mark spit.
God love him, he did. Smart.
Yes, but he was on a show where he played.
He had an American accent. He'd wore a blue suit with
clouds on us and it was on on a Saturday morning for.
We were Max Headroom vibe, yeah. That what the fuck was that
about? Because I know what that was,
but that was bizarre. That was bizarre but iconic.
But he become on speaking like a robotic voice, Yeah.
Oh, why do you remember movies game?
Was it movie? Game news or what do you call it
was? How long?
What games master games? Master your man, yeah.
Fucking how do I pay level 2? That's a good question.
Use your thumbs you fucking loser.
What did you call him? Patrick Wah?
I was. Going to say Patrick, sure, but
it's not Patrick Mirror. Patrick.
Patrick Mirror What? Was what was his deal apart from
he? Did astronomy shows and all as
well? Like we're looking at our Ryan's
belt and that's not his voice. Yeah, he was pure.
But he looked, he looked like Churchill.
Luckily, his septic hole for night didn't.
Look. Well, yeah, at all.
Like you look at your hair favorite half his face, Yeah.
Speaking of all shy shows, do you remember the one that
revealed the magician secrets? Yes.
Yeah, with the math magician. Yeah, yeah, I love that show.
Who did not turn out to be, because that was a big reveal at
the end of that series. That was it wasn't David
Copperfield, was it? Or just some?
Paul Daniels. Remember, he was he was never
off the box and Debbie's. Juice Debbie's box.
Val Valentino. Yes, of course.
Well, it was like when they take the helmet off the steg where
it's like big reveal and then the revealed it.
Everyone's like, I still don't know who you are.
Yeah, because they took the helmet off the steg once.
It was Schumacher. Yeah, I think that was a joke
it. Was pre accident yeah.
Obviously. In fact, if they put it back on,
we'd been alright. Someone scared this pod.
And it's go, go, go for Schumacher down the oh,
it's fucking roasting. So much.
I'm sweating like I'm losing breath.
No, because it Yeah, I remember the Mass Magician.
Chocolate was fucking class. What was the one?
The Albert was always come on the TV and it was like a
disembodied head with no top on it and it would pour juice into
it. The Tiger Man.
Yeah, that scared the fuck out of me.
Yeah. Do you remember that?
He was like orange. No, I remember the the tango
man. Yeah.
You know when you've been tangled?
Do you remember? Bellies want to get you that.
Was a great Albert, yeah. So it was a giant belly was
chasing people on the street. It was for a.
Reebok. Yeah, go bellies going OK?
I was big. Hurry, Belly.
You know I got that fucking shouted at me whenever I worked
in the bank. 100% snap. Yeah, I just shout at myself as
brush my teeth. And you worked in a bank?
The Bank nightclub. Sorry, right.
I thought, that's so disrespectful to come in and be
like, well, he's gonna get you. Make a withdrawal, yeah.
Yeah, I know. It's defaulted.
The mortgage bill is going. I got so many.
They didn't bring that back because that kind of bullying
was good for you, like. Was it though?
It's good for people in general, yeah.
IA little bit of but I think. Because anybody that wore fake
time to school, we'd all go, you know, when you've been tangled.
Remember in school, the girls were that fake time there and
their neck could be white. Yeah.
I I remember like I think bullying for stuff you do and
that stuff you can't control is fine.
Like not for your looks or anything.
But how you are? Some people need to be told
they're ugly like. No, but I think, I think a lot
of us know. I.
I was. No, I didn't grow up under the
illusions. I'm fine looking like you know
you're not. Good.
Like you know what I mean? You're lovely.
Fuck, look at your beard. Lovely head of her.
Shut up. The weight you've lost them and
when you took your top off there I thought he's in good shape.
You can see the wee bicep. He didn't.
He did flex your wee packs we bet though.
I didn't. He did.
He just has naturally. Fucking naturally.
I don't because I have like. I don't know what it's called
when you have no lower pit of the pack.
You. Know it's all just.
I'm all here. And it's just sagging on there.
I've like Bengal Wings of the Pack which I think is a Bonnie
Tyler song of. Of it's the girl that rid the
1000 fellas. Turn around.
Every now and then I see another Dick.
Wish I'd stayed in fucking school.
Turn around, wide eyes. Jesus.
But you want me like just soft underneath which makes it worse
because when you do chest and then that gets bigger, it just
looks. Oh man, don't even jump.
Bigger tits. I've I have I told the story on
the podcast before the the one time I played an amazing prank.
That is the last time we recorded.
No, and you're also dressed like Bart.
Simpson I know. I thought that when I left the
house. I know.
Actually, I knew I was going to come up, tell him.
I fucking knew. Tell him.
About your prank. But we catapult.
I knew a fucking I should have said it myself, because when I
left the fucking house, I went. I'm dressed like Bart Simpson
and I thought not, so maybe we'll get away with it.
People get away with it. Don't know why you went and got
your miles car, you could just skateboarder just.
Hold on to the back of the bus, the yellow bus that you were on.
As Maggie Simpsons, we pretend fucking.
See that? Just a scar we see The first
time I saw The Simpsons that drew that scared the fuck out of
me when it looks like Maggie's driving as a whoa.
No, but I was when I was about in the sort of mid 20s friend of
mine. I pulled a friend of mine right
and asked me to go out for a pint one night.
This is a short version of the story.
He's like, let's go around to your mate's house.
So we went around and I said, look, the two of you can't ride
because there's only one bed in this place and there's nobody
for me to ride. So nobody's getting rid.
And I just I was like, I want to sleep in bed beside the two
years, make sure nobody's getting bucked, right?
I was fully clock bugging. Very funny though, right?
So me and my friend were wrestling and this girl was
like, I have to go for work in the moment.
We used to. Stop this, me and my friend were
wrestling. Yeah, because I was sleeping in
the middle. He wanted to sleep beside the
girl and I was going, no, I'm cock blocking you.
Right. So we wrestled for a bit and
then he had to go for a pee. And I, I eventually was like,
you can sleep beside her. What if I hear anything fucking
snapping or clapping or dipping or slipping, I'd crack up.
Right? So we're going to go to the
bathroom. And I turned to the girl who
went quickly. Give me your hair extensions,
right? She goes, I don't have any hair
extension. Give me a pair of tights.
I went right. You lie where I was lying.
Don't fucking move, right. So I put her tights on my head
and like laying beside her. Am I making them behind me?
And he started rubbing me and he wasn't kissing the tights right?
And he started putting his hand down my I was like, he's going
to get some fucking shot because I have a full root like and I
was like a bit of laugh like laugh my head off.
And he goes the weirdest bit was he goes your tits felt the same.
She hurried hits. Must have.
Next day and I was like, Michael, you need to move out.
That's fucking outside. I just picture the moment he
goes for it, you spin out like surprise.
Motherfucking I was. Going to let.
Him. That sounds like the most
elaborate way of saying. I couldn't believe how long.
I couldn't believe how long it went on for.
I was like, he's bound to notice.
How did I tell the difference between tights and her?
Like how long has it been since he got a ride?
I felt bad for him. I was going to go let him buck
me because it's been a long winter.
For me, where was? She landlord in the bed,
laughing her head. Off I think was this bad?
We're very small, we're skinnier.
You should have just all read each other that we've been
handier than this. You there with a new nylon?
That's plugging. Incredible.
Don't ask. You don't.
Get yes, we're going to have to we're going to have to head on
over to the the officers, which is an extra episode.
Head on over to the Lazy Boys Patreon for an extra absolutely
on anything you want to say to the the people before we go.
Thanks for having me. Exotic to be.
Here anything to plug? Anything to plug.
Maggie's old.
Takes unplug. I I'm I'm doing a tour.
It's three dates long, Neri Arma and dailies.
I have to pluck up the courage to ask Colin get us to give me
an end in Laveries for a night. But yes, called Long story
short. Yeah, Leanne is fucking
fantastic, Absolutely fantastic, thanks very much.
I'm also on term. We've added an extra show in
Cork, Dublin and Glasgow so fuck off.
So come on, come on down to my tour 5 months away.
It'll be fun. Also doing the Edinburgh Fringe
Monkey Barrel at the Tron 10:00 every night with touch.
Grass, I'm doing the Europa Hotel on the 17th of October.
I still haven't got the tickets out on sale yet though because
I'm in charge of it so but I'll be there so turn up.
We're only after sees later.