You're feeling a bit like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole.
Aren't you ashamed? No, I'm not.
You think you are, lady. You take the blue pill, the
story ends. You wake up in your bed and
believe whatever you want. You take the red pill, you stay
in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
I think. I'm entitled.
You want answers? What?
The truth? You can't handle the truth.
I'm awake. Are you?
Let's go now to our new episode of The Unfiltered Rise With Me,
Heidi Love. And welcome to another episode
of The Unfiltered Rise. Today I have a special guest
with me. How you doing today?
I am good. How are you?
Good Sean. Chris is with Kill the
Mockingbirds podcast. Why don't you tell us all about
that? Well, kill the mockingbirds.
We're news, paranormal and conspiracies, meaning we try to
touch everything, and we come at everything from a different
angle. Sometimes people aren't always
ready for that. Like we love to challenge ideas.
We think that we're against idolizing people, we're against.
Like we tell people don't idolize us, don't idolize
anybody. And sometimes, you know, what we
like to say on the show is we can get people's butt cheeks a
little tight because we say stuff that challenges their
belief system. And they don't like that.
So we will. That's pretty much what we do.
But with paranormal, with conspiracies, hidden history,
news. Like we try to touch a little
bit of everything, but we put our own and we do our own
research. We look into everything and then
we put it from our perspective. We go, we don't think
necessarily we're right, but this is how we see it right now
and like this. Is your spin on it?
Yeah, our spin on it. It resonates with some people.
And some people get angry and they write us long emails that
we don't even read. You're like, so waste your
finger, finger spasms and don't write me that long e-mail
because it ain't going to work. But we're also very lucky and
fortunate. There's a lot of great people
too that reach out to us and and thank us or sometimes they
challenge us which we like. We go, yeah, challenge us.
Maybe I am wrong maybe we have some evidence that I don't know
about. So I think keeping it open
mainly our show is like focused on challenging critically
thinking and. Really building your own self
like we tell and breaking this whole idol worship.
People worship celebrities, people worship politicians, they
worship sports teams. Like, I mean, I love football, I
watch all kinds of sports, but I'm like, you shouldn't let that
dictate your whole life, your day.
Like you shouldn't be angry because your team lost.
But maybe I'm just saying that because my team always loses.
So I'm just used to it and I'm just trying to get everybody on.
My Who's your team? I'm a Raider.
Fan Oh boy. So I'm a Niners fan.
We'll get. Got out of the way.
Don't hate me. I'll tell you why I'm not even
that into football anymore since the whole kneeling because it
just it. I was just done and then of
course it had to be the schmuck on my team.
I'm not even going to say his name because it doesn't even
deserve it. But The thing is, is my dad and
me when when we were young, he said.
Pick your team on a Super Bowl. And it was my stepdad and he was
really mean. And so I was, he was going for
the Broncos. And it was when the Broncos
played the Niners in the 80s and I said whoever you're not going
for, that's who I and they've been my team ever since.
So and they won. And I was like, yeah, and they
killed him. Like they killed him and I was
like like that. That's so That is how I.
Got. Always show love, yeah.
See, I thought a lot differently.
I was talking about web to Webber's way about that too.
Like me and him disagree on that.
But like the whole kneeling thing, like I like, I understand
like Kaepernick and the end people stands against him.
And I understand like the the propaganda when they see BLM,
but I think people forget about the purolism that Americans
have. Like it's the war machine like
and I'm not saying us Americans, I mean us the the our government
is like throughout the world and when you see the stuff like we
see that the NFL merged with like the military industrial
complex and I think it was like in 99, two thousand.
I was wrong. I told him it didn't start
saying the pledge allegiance, but I was.
It was more of like having that everybody out there together.
Saying it was like you said it with the like crowd.
The players weren't out there at the time, but then ever since
they had that contract, because the Army, the Navy, etcetera,
etcetera, Marine Corps, they pay.
Advertising fees to the NFL. And that's why we always see,
like, hey, let's honor this veteran.
And to me, that's a continuation of propaganda, whether like, hey
man, we gotta go to war, man. You know, like, look at these
poor guys. His legs are gone, man.
His legs are gone. Like, all right.
And you don't even know like how that happened.
He could have just got ran over because he didn't watch where he
was going. And I always explain it like
this like and my son, he was the first one to bring this to my
intention when we got really into.
I will say spirituality, not religion.
When we started breaking away from that, he came home one day
and he said, mom, I'm, I'm not saying the pledge anymore.
And I was like the hell, you're not like everybody in our family
was in the military, you know? And he said no, because you you
pledged to somebody other than God.
He's like and I don't feel good about that but I'll stand.
I said, well, your ass better not sit is all I know because I
will make it raised because like my uncle was a Green Beret and
my brother was in the Navy who's past and like we everybody like
my whole family and yeah. My whole family is pretty, Not
everybody, but pretty much I have.
Like my dad was in Vietnam. He was a Marine.
Yeah, my grandpa was in World War 2.
My grandma was in World War 2 like.
Wait, go grandma. But I still think there's a lot
of propaganda that is like pushing in people in like I
study a lot of propaganda, like people's expertise are
different, like a lot of people are cold or mine leans more to
geopolitical slash propaganda and all that.
So that's where I'm That's my realm.
That's what I'm good at. So you're all about the Edward
Bernays? I was just gonna say Edward
Bernays and just like all the stuff that we do and like.
I understand, like having the military.
I'm not saying like, oh, we shouldn't have military.
But I think that sometimes us as Americans, we're foolish and
we're like, yeah, we just just gotta support the troops and
you're like, OK, look, like I'm not saying shit on the troops.
Like everything that happened, especially like my dad came back
from Vietnam and then how he told us like you know, how they
were treated and this and that. But it's like why we're in
Vietnam in the 1st place, like because.
We shouldn't have been there. And you know who started that?
Do you know who started that? What the golf of Tonkin?
Yeah, Do you know? It was B Johnson, right?
But the person that helped execute it was the guy from the
door's dad. Yeah, yeah.
Jim Morrison's. Jim Morrison's father.
Yup. Yup.
And I was blown away. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
So. It's just tough because I'm
like, look it I've always been under the belief is there needs
to be a declaration of war. If we're going to go to war, it
has to be a declaration. Congress needs to say Congress
then to the same. In it, yes.
Yes. But after 9-11, after we had all
that BS happened. What?
What happened? The the Patriot Act.
And then Now the president gets to decide when we go to.
Oh yeah, so bad. I don't agree with that at all.
And it doesn't mean I'm any less patriotic.
Like, I absolutely love the troops.
I absolutely love this country. I absolutely love, you know,
everything that that represents. But it represents something
different now. So it's hard to.
Well, I I would. Argue that it always have,
right? But like so many personally
like, people always think like for me like, oh, you must say I
don't hate America. Let's not say that I love
America. I'm from here like I'm proud to
be an American. But to close our eyes to the
propaganda that has, like, rained upon us.
For decades and centuries since. Our initiation when we started.
And if you don't, if you look into the secret societies that
are involved in stuff and to. That's 100% Freemason right
there, 100%. Well, this country, this country
was founded on Freemasonry, period.
And people think it was founded out of religious freedom.
But that was just a a show. That was just the vice that they
put it under so that it could look good.
It was actually about the Freemasons wanting their
religious socalled, religious freedom to practice what they
were doing and. I mean, there's not a place in
the United States. I mean, I think every big city
has a Mason's lodge. Like it's very widespread.
Oh yeah, they're everywhere, man.
I see. I see I'm going to work all the
time. But my my cohost is a former
Mason. He was in that and he he there
is a lot of insight to like. I think that's again where we
get trapped in these cycles and what we call them, like these
sheep mentality of where like you follow one thing you heard.
Everybody thinks like of COVID and they're like, oh, people
were in master sheep. I'm like, well, you watching 1
documentary on Flat Earth. Or where did you get your
information? Yeah, exactly.
And not letting it be challenged, you're like, oh,
this is how it has to be like the people I like is like,
you're not going to get around. I'm not going to get around.
I'm going to get it wrong most of the time.
But when we're constantly trying to learn and figure it out and
be like, OK, I could see this, I could move things around.
There's a lot of people that are deep rooted and whether it be
Flat Earth. Where, whether it be patriotism,
there's people that like a lot. I was criticizing a lot of the
conservatives because they were like, oh, I can't believe all
these liberals are wearing masks.
I said I can't believe that you guys didn't make a fuss when TSA
took over. Now we all have to go through
metal detectors and have to get patted down.
You didn't say nothing then. It's because at that time they
use that fear against them. And I'm not mad at them either
because I understand it was fear to manipulate you to get to this
point. But.
The fact that you can't see that you did that and this, they're
doing the same thing to somebody else and you're getting angry
over it. That's where I have an issue.
I'm like you're doing the same thing and they, but they.
Can't for a different for a different reason.
A different fear because they're going to they're going to
manipulate you off your fear. I mean, that's what the devil
does. That's why to me, I always tell
people too, because there's a lot of people that give a little
bit. Too much credence to the devil,
like they're like oh. Man, just.
Like I'm like I don't care I'm not scared of that like why
would you man if you believe in God like how could you possibly
be scared of it. I'm not scared of any demon like
I tell them all like they could all catch these hands.
An ephalum Alistair Crowley like a demon the devil like they
could all catch the hands like because at the end of the day
I'm protected and and to me there's even like.
These people that go to church every Sunday, like, I don't go
to church. That's just not my thing.
I don't, I don't criticize people.
I think everybody finds their own way.
But I'm like if you believe in God.
Don't be scared. Man, you should be.
You should be like I'm. Not.
I'm scared. Where's your faith?
If you believe, where's your
faith? You know, if you believe.
And even even on the flip side of that, like a lot of people
will say, oh, I'm an atheist, but I believe in demons.
I'm like that's not possible. Because if you don't believe in
God, you can't believe in demons.
You know, like, what? Wait.
And and I, I mean, I've been in arguments with different people,
but I'm always like, here's my thing, this is like an analogy
for nursing. I've been a nurse 24 years and I
always anybody that's been a nurse that long will tell you
the scariest nurse there ever is is a nurse that thinks she knows
everything. Same with people, when your mind
is so set. That you cannot be changed.
No matter how good the argument is, no matter how much study
somebody presents that you are not growing anymore, you're
stagnant and you have to be able to be.
Things change, the world changes, we change, life
changes. You have to be able to learn.
Always. Or you're burnt out, I tell
like, like because with nurses, teachers, cops.
There's a couple other fields that like deal with public, you
know, like social workers, you're constantly dealing with
people, you get burnt out. You you get Nurse Ratchet, yeah.
Is. That on on One Flew Over the
Cuckoo's Nest, you know. Yeah, that's right.
That's right, nurse. Ratchet, once you get to that
point, you got recognizing, you got you got to try.
To step back yourself because. You're not.
You're doing more harm than good.
And that's and that doesn't mean that you were always thinking
that way. It's because of circumstance.
Or maybe you need to go to a different facility or you need
some kind of change because your rut that you're in and you're
getting the same type of patience.
Cops, the same thing happens with cops, like they they get
into this like cycle and then they hate their job.
They hate their areas and then they're angry and then they
abuse their powers. And that's not the only issue.
But I'm saying that's one of them and.
I always tell people like, you gotta recognize it.
It's not easy though, like you have to constantly work.
If you're like, oh man, I'm kinda, I can see that I'm kinda
not acting right right now, but. People are, people are like,
fearful to change too. And that's the problem is, I
think that people are so scared to change sometimes they'll stay
where they hate, like absolutely hate when you don't know what's
gonna open for you. Like, I mean, that's a
completely different. Like a podcasting.
I never thought that I would do podcasting.
I I didn't know how to do the computer things.
None of it. It fell on to me.
It was I felt like it was called, you know, so I stepped
up. But The thing is, is like, if I
had been scared and just been like, well, I don't know how to
do that, then I wouldn't be talking to you right now.
Yeah, that's true. You know, yeah, that you just
gotta like, do it, but. That is true.
People are stuck with change cuz and people get into this
miserable like rut. Not even just like in those
fields, in every field, like even in my field in warehousing
and like people get mad at me cuz I'm like a positive person
like and that doesn't mean that I'm not like like mad so.
Everybody has a bad day. But I'm always like when people
ask me like, how are you? I'm like, good, always good.
Like, I'm always good. And like, they're like, oh, I
used to say like, it'll be all right.
Like it'll be all right. Like there's.
Oh man. You.
You've got like 50 pumps. We need to pack.
We only got. It'll be all right.
Like to me. I'm not going to stress over
something I can't control like that.
Doesn't make sense to me, but. People also don't like, to me, I
think they're lame, like I think they don't have anything else in
their lives. So they put so much into this,
like drama at work and I'm like, man, just go get like a hobby or
like. You're you're.
Going to make it worse? You're going to make it worse?
Yeah. You have nothing else because
you're you're especially people that are in a miserable
relationship, whether it's like married or boyfriend,
girlfriend, and then you're at a job you ate.
It's like you have no in between.
It's a double. You know, you're like, I guess
taking a shower or using the restroom is your only piece, if
anything. And I'm like, man, you got to
get out of that. But you are right.
People are so fearful of change. I see it constantly like.
Like right now my company is closing.
I don't know. Well, I haven't signed any
contracts because they said I couldn't.
I'm not talking bad about them, right?
No, but it's stuff is changing. Right.
No, they're closing. Right.
And like, to me, I'm like, I don't care, man.
I've been there five years. I'm just like, it is what it is.
I'm trying to get out as much money out of it as I can at this
moment. But my boss, on the other hand,
he's been there 17 years, He's freaking out.
He's like, oh man, like he's so mad.
Like, I can't believe that because he saw today, they
emailed and they were like, oh, Karen, da da da like I don't.
Somebody's somebody's retiring and she's there for 25 years and
they're having a party for her and he's like, nobody's having a
party for me. And like he wants them to like
like he's just so mad about it. And I'm just like, who cares,
man? Like I don't care like.
If you want to party, throw your own party.
Yeah, I was like, man, I'm trying to like, hopefully, like
get this because they're giving us a little severance package,
which is nothing because it's like we have to work for it.
Like we literally have to move the whole warehouse to get the
money, but. It is what it is.
I'm like, I'm trying to find it so I can like, hey, this might
be a great thing. Maybe I don't have to go back to
work after this and I just continuously just do podcasting.
That would have no yeah cuz it pushes you against in a corner
where you're like whoop you gotta sink or swim, you know
what I mean? Yep, that's.
You gotta well, there you. Have that mentality.
There's nothing like you said if you can't do anything about it.
Like my dad used to say things to me, like I used to think he
was a real jerk, like, but now I know that and he's passed and
now I know he was like one of the smartest people I ever knew.
His favorite thing was it is what it is.
The other part was he would say, well, you'll either either get
over it or you won't because it's all about your mental.
You know you can choose to let this bother you all day, like
you said at work. Or for the next however long you
have at that place. Or you can be proactive.
Maybe you're going to get a better job.
Maybe you're going to have a better, you know, whatever you.
Have no clue. That's why you say that, cuz
like, that's what I showed my boss today.
I don't know if you know this Navy SEAL dude, Jocko Jocko.
He has a podcast. I don't know if you've ever seen
this podcast. Well, he has this little
segment. He's been on like Joe Rogan and
stuff. He's like a Navy SEAL from SEAL
Team Three, I think. And he's really motivational
like and he was just saying like.
That one of his, like, you know, like guys under him was always
coming up with problems and he'd be like, aw, man, you know, car
broke down. He'd be like, good.
And then he was like, tell me nothing and he'd be like, good.
And then he would be like, he came again with another big
problem. And he's like, how did he even
want to tell you? And he's like, why?
He's like, because I already know what you're going to say.
He's like, what am I going to say?
He's going to say it's good. Why is it good?
He said, you know, the mission got postponed.
Good. Gives me more, gives me more
time to prepare. Hey, we didn't get this tactical
shit. OK, good.
Now I can go focus on this. You're looking at the negative
aspect of it of like, oh, now I can't go here, but you're not
able to see. With hindsight it's easier to
see, but it's driving you into a direction and through time in
your experience we should learn like when we're in our 20s and
our teenage, like I get it like everything's end of the world
like, but now that once we get some experience like we're like,
OK. Let me try to change for that
And then that's part of the problem too is people are not
learning from their their lessons in life and they're
focusing on the negativity. They have to really be like it's
going to get better. That doesn't mean that you
losing your job like the next day you're going to get the your
dream job. No, but it could go somewhere
into that direction. You're you're going to find this
and find that and is if you're looking for it and you're
looking in that negative way of like oh, I'm never going to get
anything. You're not.
You're you're going to get back into a miserable hole and it's
going to suck you down there. It just got to be positive,
like, and I get it like, it's not easy.
Like I don't wake up and be like, oh, I love my job.
I I don't like. I mean, but I don't hate it
either though. I'm just like, it's a place I go
to get money. It's not like where I want to
do. It's not your.
It's not your dream, yeah. Yeah, not at all.
It's not my end point. And then you got to establish in
your mind of where you're like, this is just the place I get
money. I am not loyal to this company.
This is not my company. My company is me, Sean.
That's it. So as they can choose to fire me
anytime I can. Also choose to leave.
At anytime, you know, just people get stuck in this
oldfashioned way and that's why I think it's part of the
propaganda and we pass it down through time where they're like,
you got to give your two weeks notice, you know, don't job hop,
you know, you got to stay with no, you don't like go where the
money's. At I don't even think that
matters anymore because now. Nowadays they don't even look at
that stuff like, I mean, like you would think they would, but
they don't. And I mean, I think that people
have to start seeing, see, this is all part of what they want us
to feel trapped. And they want us to feel
hopeless and they want us to feel like anxious.
And all this all the time. So then what does it do?
It creates suicidal patterns. It creates anxiety patterns.
It creates misery patterns. It.
And then the same person that won't leave their bad job, won't
leave their bad wife or girlfriend.
And I'm not saying you should just do that like on a drop of a
hat, but I mean, if you really have been at something, like,
say you've been with somebody a good three years and it is
miserable and not getting better.
It's not going to get better. Like unless you go to therapy or
do something and see a real change and set a goal.
Like by this day, if crap is not done and different, not perfect,
but different, then we're we're stagnant.
What are you doing? Like you're sitting your wills.
If you're going and they're not growing with you, it's
impossible for you guys to have a fulfilled relationship
because. And you don't hate the person.
That's the thing too is there's people still resentment of like
look I don't I'm not hateful for anybody That because I know I've
done my part. I'm not an Angel.
I've done plenty of stuff like, you know it goes back and forth.
We all have our like moments of being mad.
They're being mad. Yeah it takes 2.
But you also have to recognize OK that's cool.
But this person taught me this. Hey this showed me there's three
qualities in this person that I'd wanted somebody else and
then there's five. I would never wanted somebody
there. Each person is giving you some
more data to put in your. Well, everybody wants to find
love and they're like, I love my soul mate.
And I'm not saying that there isn't no such thing as soul
mate. I have no idea but what I'm.
Saying is, well, sometimes soul mates are toxic, Sometimes you
can love everything about the person and they are slowly
killing you. Or fast depends.
But you can step apart from it and say OK, I am ride or die for
this human being. I'm everything to this human
being. And sometimes there's just not.
Sometimes, well, it's also the not only that you're not growing
together, but the timing, right? So they're timing.
They're time for them to hit these certain plateaus.
You're already ahead of them, and it's hard to, it's hard to
mix together because then they're resentful for you.
It's for being either ahead of them or behind them.
Each person is getting resentful.
And then what? It's people have terrible
communication. And some of the stuff that's.
Huge. That's you have to be able to
be. Good at communicating.
And I any of us can be like, but if you consciously make sure
like, hey, I need to communicate whether they like to hear it or
not, you gotta be like, hey, set up your boundaries, you know?
Hey, I don't like when people do this.
I don't like this. I like to be.
Set all your boundaries, do your things.
And just like, stop taking it so personal.
It's not personal. We get so full with emotions
where we're like, oh, they're hurting me.
It's not that it's not that deep even.
It's even. If it is, even if it is that
deep, here's the thing, People oftentimes deal with it passive
aggressively because we especially men here.
This is for men. I'm not a man, but I I am a
psychology nurse and have been for six years now.
Most of my career has been in medical, like trauma, all that
stuff. But, but the last six years I've
been psych. So I see people say okay, well,
you're unhappy in this, this and this.
Did you tell them? Well, no.
Well, why not? I'm afraid they'll leave me, or
I'm afraid of this, or I'm afraid of that.
Or they're passive aggressive, which is worse because then
you're literally making the other person wonder what's
really happening, and then they're unsure of themselves,
and it leads to infidelity. It leads to lies, and not every
time because some people are truly loyal, which is great,
because they should. Be yeah.
But it could lead to domestic violence.
It could lead to and in situations that people would
never be in. Right.
Because it it's a ticking time bomb and and I agree that a lot
of men and I've been one of those people that were like
you'll put up with stuff so you're like what happens is.
Is you're putting up with certain things, right.
Little things, right? Like, oh man, I hate when they
put the toothbrush over here, but I'm not going to say
anything. And then and then you you have
all these little things stack up and then they come to you like
they're telling you they're but you haven't told them your
boundaries. But then they go, hey, I don't
like when you put the toothpaste over here and you're like and
then you're in your head like, really, man, I've been putting.
Aside this whole. Time all the crap that you've
been doing right instead of openly having the conversation
and being like, well, this. This kind of bothers me even
though. Like now I'm really like I'm.
It's not a favor. It's not a favor to them.
Like, if people only understood, like in their heart they're
thinking, look, I did this as a favor to you.
I didn't say anything. Well, you just sabotaged your
own self. Because if that really bothered
you and I didn't know for four years, that's stupid.
That's literally stupid. If it is something you.
Really. Yeah, because how can?
You adjust. If you can't, how can you?
Somebody adjust to things of that nature, but I think also to
men. And feel like if they say stuff,
they're weak like, oh, I have to like just let the woman do this.
There's there's this unwritten rule of where men are supposed
to be like, hey, like, you know, you have happy wife, happy life.
You know what I mean? Like that's.
So I think people get too much into that And just like, no,
let's communicate, hey, stop doing this.
And sometimes could it be a little bit of aggressive like as
they get take a person, we take and then we go, hey.
Let's stop. Let's chill.
We'll come back to this like, obviously like and and and not
get into heated moments. But to me, that's all with
experience and learning. Like, I get it.
When you're if you're 17 and you're 20 years old, you're
probably gonna encounter some of that stuff, unfortunately.
Like, unless you've already done the work.
Because if you haven't done work for yourself, you have to look
within yourself. Because the problem is, maybe
that stuff bothers me, right? I It bothers me.
I have to fix it. I have to figure what, like
that's what's wrong with society right now is they're like, oh,
that triggers me. Then you need to work on your
triggers. That's not my job to figure out
your triggers. You have to figure out why
triggers you and what you could do to stop it.
And they use that word far too much, because a true trigger,
like a true like a PTSD trigger, you cannot control.
So it's different. You couldn't say to them.
That triggers me, because you've already.
Gone into you're weird. I work with people that have
come out of the military or are in the military actively, and I
myself have actual real PTSD. When that happens to you,
there's no warning. You don't get to warn somebody
like you triggered me. It's already done.
Sign. Totally.
You know. Because.
Yeah, I'm like bipolarish or less diagnosed like, but I don't
know if that's, it's really hard to figure out diagnosis, but I
do know that I have like times where I can.
Just like as and I don't know that it's coming exactly.
Well you can start seeing a little bit if you train yourself
at over time of like, hey, I think I don't know what's coming
but something's weird like once you start hey, something's off.
Once you get into that mindset of like, hey something, I'm off
right now. And I've been like.
Yeah, I've been way more conscious of myself in the last
probably like 5-6 years where I'm like, OK, wait a second,
what are you doing? Why are you doing that?
Hey, you're kind of leaning this way.
What? What's going on like?
I'm having conversations with myself because I'm looking at
myself and be like, hey man, at the end of the.
Day I have to we need. To yeah, we need to all do that.
And then there's rules like you said about boundaries like with
me and my husband says I do have that PTSD that can trigger, but
it's rare triggers are not as off unless you're just fairly
out of combat or something. But like, I'll tell him hey.
You can say whatever you want to me.
You can yell at me, do it from this far away.
Because if you get in my face to the point where I feel
threatened, that's where we're going to have a problem, you
know, because I'm a child of abuse.
So you can't do that to me because then I go into fight or
flight mode and and you don't know what's going to unleash.
So let's not do that like. You.
Well, that's you think. Yeah, that's like it.
Yeah, he used to think. Oh well, you just.
Can say whatever you want and I can't.
I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. You can say as crappy because I
I'm the queen of shit talk when I'm mad.
So I'm like, you can say it from over there and be as just as
negative, whatever. But also like you have to make
it feel safe, you know, like and then I'm fine, then I'm fine.
Like, yeah, I'm still going to be mad, but I'm not like crazy
like PTSD trigger crazy like. You don't want to see that me,
you know that's. I've worked, see, I used to be
like that big time, like literally like to a point where
I would black out and be like like who knows what's going to
happen. But been working like I had, I
had like worked on it for a lot in the last.
Like 10, even 15 years. But like it was going good and
then like probably about seven years ago, like I had like kind
of close to that and then that's when you I had to reevaluate and
be like, OK, what am I now? I'm just more conscious.
And I'm trying to like not stay down.
Like the problem is too is that people stay down too long.
You'd be like, hey, yeah and what would it give me?
So now I analyze and it was cool and.
Communicate it. Communicate.
It's why I. Communicated.
Like I tell them, yeah, I'm like, hey this, if you spit on
me, we're gonna have a problem. You know, like even.
Yeah, I can't. I can't.
And then if you. Because I was raised in a
physically mentally abusive home, and he was raised like
Beaver Cleaver, and nobody ever even called each other a bad
name. So, like what?
My idea of bat bad. Is very different from his idea
of bad. So like you have to put that
that into it because, like, I didn't understand that because
I'm like, So what if I called you name?
I'll make up 10 new names. I don't care.
And like I was called out seven times before I was 4.
You know, like, to me it's irrelevant, but to him it isn't.
And so I still have to make that in my mind like, oh, that, that.
Yeah, but you you will change it and then like where you go, OK,
my bad. I, I And then there's going to.
Times that you're still going to like, you might go great and not
say and you're conscious of it, and then you might do it again.
But then that's when you step back and be like, hey, that is
my fault and in a true sincere apology.
And there is a we have to account for emotions.
It happens like and that's why it's a work in progress.
Like no marriage or any relationship is not just going
to last. You have to work at it.
You have to. Both parties have to.
Actively. Work to try.
To make it happen or it's going to win.
One lacks off. That's what happens.
Like that's why it falls apart or with because when one's like
I'm over it, then the other one's going crazy, like why are
they, what's going on with it? What are they doing it?
And then, you know, they have their different ways of like
maybe they're out more or maybe they're just like not, you know,
like whatever, Like, you know. Or locked up like in their.
In their room? Yeah, like.
Which some of us that's like a trigger for me, like if I don't
know what's wrong and I'm like. Okay, cuz cuz when you come from
unpredictable background, you wanna know what's up.
Like I don't wanna hear like you're mad at me and we'll talk
in four days. Like that's gonna kill me, you
know? But you have to also that's
their boundary. Then you have to like accept
that and but you know then you mean in the middle like, right.
You were like yeah, that really drives me crazy.
Can we. So then you go, maybe we don't
wait four days, but can we wait 24 hours a day, 12.
Hours or something? You know what I mean?
Like, whatever. Let's cool down.
We need a cool down period, but then you go, I need a cool down
period. But then we won't make it 4
days, right? We'll be like, hey, we'll make
it in a day or whatever. That works for us.
It's just a work in progress. And I think too many people want
this instant gratification, so it's with everything.
So much because of social media, because what do we get?
It's a dopamine release. You get that, like, you get that
share, you get that this, you get that that.
And even though here we are as podcasters, I mean on social
media, I use it now mainly for networking.
Like I'm not all about like, oh, I got. 14 likes and I feel so
special. Like now I'm trying to get a
message out. I hope people get it.
I'm trying to spread love, you know, understanding.
I'm trying to talk about what happened to me or whatever to
help and why not. Not for myself.
I totally just want to help people.
That's like my whole thing is like okay.
All these bad things have happened in my life.
Like you said, how can you learn from it?
How can you change it? How can you help it?
And one of the biggest catalysts for my changes was getting out
of a really horrible, cultish religion and then also the death
of some family members of mine that were just so bad.
And then I almost died myself. So I think when you and I don't
know if you've almost died, because you seem like you maybe
might have. Because I have people, I get
that. People, people that have done
that, gotten close to the like death, have some kind or it was
some earth shattering thing. They change mentally.
They're completely different afterward, I feel.
Because you get to that point where you're like really at that
day when I had radiation, like none of this other stuff
mattered. Facebook.
All this other crap like friends, like, I just wanted to
live, you know? Or when I got sick last year and
I almost died again. I'm I'm really ineffective at
dying, but I've almost died a lot.
And I'm alright, right? I'm like, OK, I'm OK.
But like even when it's happening, I'm like, OK, I'm
kind of like you, like everybody last year was like, this is
really serious and I had a PICC line in, I had an infection go.
I had back surgery that was pretty.
Like routine back surgery and it and it didn't go good.
And I got actually an infection inside my spinal cord, which is
like I got osteomyelitis in my in my spine.
And so I had over like 1200 Cc's of infection drained from inside
my spinal cord. And so it was bad.
Really scary, really scary and everybody was freaking out.
I mean, I get it. But I was like one day I just
had enough and I just looked at both of them and low key, I
wrote notes to everyone because I was like maybe I'm going to
talk, you know. But I was like I was like,
listen, until it's for sure, we're just going to wake up
every day and do our best that day because there's nothing else
we can do. Like everything we can do is
happening and and we can't do anything more.
So just stop. Like you guys are stressing me
out and I don't need that right now.
You know, like if you're yeah, if you're already sick and.
Stuff like that's the last thing you need to hear is like, oh, by
the way, you might die like, yeah, I I fucking like, excuse
my language, I know, you know? That that is that is like
detrimental because like I've said it before, but like my.
One of my old good friends growing up, his dad had Ms. and
he was fighting and he was doing great.
And then they were like, man, you got a week to live.
He literally died the next day because they broke his.
It broke his will because he was doing everything to like fight
it and then like they broke his will.
Now there's other people though. Like I had another friend, Joe
Jose, he passed away and like I was in there, but I heard about
it. He like, was he had.
What's it called? Like stomach cancer.
It's like one of the worst. Like he was already staged like
4. Like when he found out he died.
He died at home. They said that like it took him
like 3 days to die. They're like he would, like they
thought he was dead. No pose, he'd come back.
Still fight? Yeah, he's such a stuff.
Like knowing him, he's one of the most stubborn people.
Like he's just like that. And he's it's funny because he's
like, he's like she was short but like really stocky and he's
just like a bull, like a bull strong.
Yeah, he's just a strong guy, but.
I think, like, I don't necessarily think that me being
close to death, but I've been around death my whole life.
I've seen from like from the early age.
My my sister died when I was like 11.
My dad died when I was 12. Like I had like uncles, aunts,
friends. Like before I was probably 21, I
had already been to over 20 few. So you you've been through it
and that's what it it's like that change in you that.
I mean, after you go through something earth shattering like
that, like it really does make you, I think, easier to forgive
because you don't want to, you don't want to hold on to things
that, you know, maybe this person won't be here tomorrow.
Like, I don't want to have these kind of feelings, you know, or
or maybe this or maybe that. And it changed the way I thought
mentally. Like, I think after my brother
died, it really hit me because. And so we'll talk about that.
My brother died of an accidental overdose.
I wanted to share this story and actually it was related to
Ssri's funny enough because he actually was an addict.
And then he was an addict because he hurt his knees and
had been going to the VA and all the things that they gave him
plenty of medication. Well then they cut him off
because he went to work loaded and they were like and they they
reported it. So okay, they cut him cold
Turkey, which is not a good idea.
They didn't sub him off, they didn't send him anywhere, all
this stuff. So like they he was doing Okish.
He would get things from people, but it was never his drug of
choice because it was Oxy that was his drug of choice.
However, Oxys are freaking expensive if you don't have a
prescription. And so he was having to, you
know, reach for whatever he could get his hands on.
Which led him into a I feel I am really passionate about this.
I I feel like. OK, the narcotics get a bad rap.
Because here's the thing, even when he was doing 430, smashed
up his nose at a time, he was pretty safe.
Like I never seen him, not off. I never seen him weird.
I never seen him any of that until the benzos got involved.
And as soon as the benzos got involved because they are cheap,
then things started getting weird.
You know, and he was doing the nods and all the weird stuff.
And here's the problem, the ambulances, now, I don't know
about where you're from, but here where I'm at, they don't
carry the reversal agent for the benzos, which is called
Romazecon. Everybody knows about Narcan.
It's been pushed like nobody's business.
You can go to a pharmacy and get some right now and it's no big
deal. But the Romazecon is extremely
expensive. And they don't routinely carry
it on EMS unless they've changed it in the last six years.
So they found him down at home, gave him Narcan.
Of course, that didn't work because he had other things in
his system now. He didn't even die of his drug
of choice. He went to the hospital and they
gave him some Remeron for sleep. And it's actually an
antidepressant and it's not a very good one.
And they quit using it for that years ago, but they use it for
sleep now. And it's not so good, just like
the Benzos because it builds up in your system.
So the Benzos, you could take a Xanax today, and if you took one
four days ago, it can hit you a lot different than it did that
first time. So you can have a completely
different experience and seem like completely out of it, even
though you were fine the last time you took it.
So it just has that cumulative effect.
So he took that and he took the pill to go to sleep.
And then I bet he could. Now I'm guessing here, but it
wasn't enough to kill him. Like he didn't take a bottle.
He took two. They counted them, you know,
because they have to do an investigation because he was
young, he was 37. And so they checked it all out.
And not nothing in his system would have killed him, but all
of it together killed him. And then on, yeah.
And then on top of it, he only took two.
But then he had a pulmonary valve defect that he didn't know
about. He was a heavy smoker, and he
had COPD, so he went to sleep and never woke up.
You know, Which I'm not saying is a horrible way to die, but it
was sure bad for all of us. You.
Know of course, yeah, that's the the hardest part like is the
people afterwards, because obviously like.
In retrospect, you could be like, yeah, well, they we're
going through a lot. Or, you know, when people are
sick and they're like pain. I think what some of the worst,
the hardest deaths are like car accidents just because they're
so or heart attacks even sometimes because they're so
sudden and you're like, wait, what?
Like when someone's sick, like even that, for instance, you
weren't expecting it, right? Like when someone's sick and
they're like, man, like unfortunately.
They're at the hospital. We knew he had an issue.
You knew what, There was a possibility.
But again, it's not the same as someone in bed rest where you're
like, hey, it's in any minute, two months, three months, four
months from now, it's going to happen right at yours.
You still have like a lean of hope, like maybe not, you know,
hey, maybe you could turn it around any second.
You could turn because it's just as easy as we could turn bad, we
could turn it around. So yes, I think that.
But my dad died of a sudden heart attack, like what you're
saying. And he was sick.
Ish. He was young, though.
He was only 62. And but he was diabetic his
whole life and since he was like 8 years old.
But even though I knew he was like it, ill, he, I mean, he
functioned, you know, and that heart attack hit me so hard.
Like, I mean, one night he was there and I missed his phone
call, and the next day he was just dead, You know, that was
terrible. And I mean, it just messes with
you mentally, to the point. And then actually my dad, my
brother, we had a whole bunch of people die that year, kind of
like what you said. So And then my exhusband and me
are pretty tight and cool. His wife died very suddenly.
She was sick, but she had a muscle disorder and they were
like working on it and no big deal.
I mean it was like they knew she was sick but not like dying, you
know, And they did a tap of her muscle and then she drove home
and I think the amount of time it just she threw a clot because
she didn't even call for 911. He went to work that day and
came home and she was dead like on the cat, like.
And no, no, I mean that's completely that was so hard.
Even though she wasn't close to me, she was my friend.
But my children really loved her.
And they called. Yeah, it was.
And then my brother died 2 weeks later.
And so and then it was just a cascade.
And that's one thing that I don't think people always
realize with like his wasn't a suicide, but like it, it really
messes people up. Because then see what happens is
he and you don't think about this when you're using, you
don't think about this when you're suicidal.
Here's the thing that happened. His daughter found him.
She was 12 then. That messed her up.
Then she had to go live with her mom, who she didn't even know.
Her mom hadn't been in her life since she was 10, and she's 12,
So she gets ripped away from her whole family.
She has to go back there. Well, that puts pressure on the
mom. And she already had like
psychiatric stuff. And she felt guilty about my
brother because they didn't make it work in their marriage or
whatever. And she kills herself within a
year, you know, So, like this pain gets passed down from
person, whether it's purposeful or not, Death is, is something
that goes throughout more than one person.
You're going to hurt somebody for sure and suicide though.
It's kind of you got to. But you got to remember like I
always try because I have friends like you know they have
commit. Suicide and the other friends
are like. Man, they were so selfish.
They were. So I'm like, yeah, but you got
to remember, like suicide is. Like that it's a split.
Thought like it's. Not it's not like if you had us
more time to think about it, you wouldn't do it.
But at that moment, like if you put a gun to your head, if you
take this certain amount of pills or you get you drive it
to, it's it's a split decision. You made it and it's over and
over. Like you don't get a chance to
like cuz you're like feeling whatever sadness or whatever.
Like if I do this this solves my problem and you just do it.
You you didn't give yourself. You're not thinking.
About it, well, you're already mentally and not a good place.
So I always tell people, like, it's not necessarily selfish,
but I always tell people remember this because my uncle
passed away. It was either suicide.
They they either had a fight over the gun or it was suicide.
I'm saying from the trajectory of the gun, because my uncle was
a Sundowner. Do you know what that is?
So he was like a Hell's Angel. Yeah.
And he was like a top top. So when I watched Sons of
Anarchy, I'm like that. That really happens.
You know, and so he was at the top, top for a long time and so
he wouldn't have missed, is what I'm saying.
If he was going to shoot himself, he wouldn't know how,
you know. So I think they were arguing and
the gun went off, in my opinion, you know, whatever they ruled
it, however they ruled it. But then, you know, shortly
after that his exwife dies of an overdose because she's sad
because she's still kind of probably loved him and some.
They had a child together and everything.
And then after that his, his current wife dies of a drug
overdose within another year after that.
And then here's his children left to hold all the pain, all
the stuff, and they did not deal with it well.
Addiction comes into play, all these things come into play and
then they have kids and same thing.
So I'm like, you really have to get through to people.
It's not about the split decision.
We have to educate beforehand that hey, This is why we care.
You may not care, but This is why.
The one thing that people don't, so everybody's like, hey, we got
to watch and make sure that they're OK and and not people
feeling sad. But the one thing I think is
that it's impulse control, because it's an impulse.
It's not like you're not thinking this out, You're just
going there and like, boom, it's over.
So like, it's more working on impulse control.
And they don't teach that kind of stuff.
They're just like, hey man, take some pills or hey, you're sad,
Don't be sad, be happy. You got to figure out what's
making you upset and why you're like that.
But if you have poor impulse control of that, yeah.
There you go. Control.
You're going to probably be more susceptible to be in that kind
of situation because you're going to feel bad.
You're going to feel bad at times and and you're right, like
sometimes that can't help maybe to with the impulse because I
was very impulsive, but like. Especially like see for me it
was different because a lot of this happened when I was
younger. So right I I didn't not.
I have now the the, the appearance of like Oh yeah, you
know I have the experience I learned.
But I had to go a long messed up problem because.
It was not even like to the point where like I told people,
like I was at a point where I didn't even kept like you know
how people are like, oh, I'm atheist.
I don't believe it. I wasn't even like that.
I was like, I hated God. Like, I don't feel like I would
pray just to cuss them out. Like, oh, just don't think that
I had something to say you. Know what I mean?
Because I feel you're going to listen today.
Yeah, I felt like everything was intentional.
Like, oh, you must hate me. Like just just like.
Just out of like. Pure.
Like, not just sadness, but like, aggravation and anxiety.
Yeah. Not knowing like, one of the,
for me personally, one of the craziest things I did say in one
of my songs before, but the craziest thing to me is imagine
being 12 years old. And like my dad, he had
hepatitis C so he was sick for a while.
Like it was in the hospital. Like, you know, it was going
back and forth and he, he finally like was like kind of
like probably a few weeks before it passed or something.
I go in to visit him. He doesn't even know who I am.
He's like, who's that? Like telling my mom like, hey,
who's that like? And then you're just like, what?
Like, even though obviously, like in my respect, like I'm
like. But.
I I mean, of course, like, I would not want, like all those
people that I cared about to go. But I understand that I wouldn't
be the person I am today if these things didn't happen.
Even like relationships I had. Like, like I said, like, I
really have no hate for any of those people because.
They didn't really do anything to me, like, right.
It was really me doing it because at any point I could
have talked. I could have spoke up or I could
have said I don't like this or I could have left right?
Or I could. It's because I was.
So for me that I learned, is that like because so many people
died when I was young. Relationships.
It was like detrimental, like if you're gonna leave because I'm
like, I can't have another abandonment.
Cuz I'm like, it's one thing if you die because then there's
nothing we could do, but you're just gonna leave.
And sometimes I wouldn't. And the weird thing to me that I
learned over the years is like. It's not even necessary that I
would want to continue this relation.
It's just like, I couldn't have them leave.
It's just like a weird thing. And I think it was just all
psychological. And then you grow through it,
right? You go through the growing pain
because I'm like, I need this person because I know I'm
nothing if I don't have this person.
And then you realize, well, I need to do that for myself.
I need to think about those and like how I think of those
people, but also think of myself like that.
And and that's part of the problem that I had was that I
didn't have a lot of like love for myself, which I had to Start
learning how to do like because then.
I'm just chasing it, right? Like I'm just like, well,
hopefully they could love me enough and I'm good, right?
They'll fix it like I don't have to do anything else.
They'll love me and I and I don't have to worry about it.
But as you get older, you start realizing like nothing you can
have. You might meet somebody at 18
and be with them forever, but if you don't love yourself, I don't
think that you can have a sustained.
I believe that my relationships didn't last because I was unable
to love myself with would hinder the relationship.
You didn't process your trauma so anytime.
So me and my brother, we both went through the same things our
our mid teenage. Well I guess he was younger than
that but so we both grew up in this abusive horrible family
that his dad was the real dad. So he did have it a little less
than me on that part. And he slept downstairs, which
was like a blessing for him because it a lot happened
upstairs because their bedroom was upstairs.
But so we both go through that and they say your siblings are
the one person that know exactly how you feel about your
childhood because unless you're raised different homes, you were
raised together by the same people, even if you have a
different thought process about the raising, they still know and
can relate. So he goes into the well.
We both end up getting taken away from our mother by the time
I'm 12 and he's like 9 and he ends up having to go to the
abuser, OK? That's how bad the current
situation was and he never got really much better.
I think he just quit doing those things cuz of the law.
Not because he was a better person, but he still had all the
problems that the drinking, the drugs, the violence, all of it.
So he went to that and I went to my grandparents who were pretty
good, but really indoctrinating and religion.
And if you didn't do certain things, they didn't love you.
And I was like you. I was like, I have to be the
best because then they won't love me and then I won't have a
home and then I don't know what I'll do.
So I look at our paths in life and like one time I told this
therapist at my job, I said just like four or five things,
nothing major K about my life. And he said how are you here and
not here like in the psych facility.
And I said, well, because I decided I wasn't going to do
that. Like my brother kind of fell
into the same patterns. He started drinking too much.
He started doing drugs. He well, and he didn't want to
process it, so he went into the military and he did great and
with all that structure and control, 100% amazing.
But he still wasn't processing anything.
I went into nursing, which helped me inadvertently process
it because they teach you things and you're like, oh, oh, that's
why that I do or whatever. And then I went to therapy and
had some different things happen.
So we went to different paths. And I was never into, like,
being very LDS at that time. I didn't drink.
I didn't smoke, I didn't do drugs, like nothing, you know?
So I didn't do any of that. In fact, I never even tried one
puff of marijuana until I was 25.
Like, at all. Period.
I never did anything. Else your brain was fully
developed. Yeah, I was scared and it makes
me crazy, so makes me have bad PTSD.
So I just stay away from that. But either way, he gets out of
the military and starts just just hanking because he has this
more freedom to choose these other paths.
And I'm like, I'm the type of person that I'm like, what is
wrong with you? You know, why are you doing
this? And then he'd want it out of all
the things he'd been through. He was in the Navy.
He was in the Gulf War. He was in the burn pits at the
Gulf War. Like, that was some freaking
gnarly, like, horrid stuff that they did OK with women,
children. My brother was like, actually, I
always joke like, I should have gone in the military and he
shouldn't have because he was soft and I was not soft.
I've always been like a hard ass kind of, you know, And so I I
was always worried about him, but he never processed it.
And even when we drink or hang out and he'd get too much, the
first thing he'd bring up wasn't that wasn't the Army or Navy,
wasn't any of that stuff. It was our parents.
And I'm like, bro, this is like so long ago and I really can't
discuss this with you because this is separate trauma.
And I would like explain to him like you need to go to somebody,
you know, you can vent to me, but I'm not going to like,
discuss my part with it because it's not healthy for you, you
know? And he didn't understand that.
And in retrospect, I guess I should have been less hard
headed because he wasn't going to go get help and that's just
how it was, you know. But because he's a man and and
the person that raised us had that weird, you got to be a man.
And he wasn't like that. He was actually like a sweet
teddy bear. And my son reminds me of him,
like my son plays hockey, but he also crochets, OK?
So like he he's more soft hearted, you know whereas some
of my girls are like my one girl's a welter and she could
probably go to war, you know, like I mean she she's tough and
but it's just your personality. It really isn't about what sex
you are but men get put it in their head like you can't be
soft, you can't be this, you can't be that.
I mean it's a little different nowadays, but it's still, you
know they don't go and get help they that's why they have such a
high rate. Yeah, I I only, I think I would
tell like a psychiatrist like once.
And I was like bro like. I can't be.
I can't be telling you. Like, how to do this?
Like, you know what I mean? Like, right, I can't be like,
better at this than you. But I think that everybody's
different and obviously I'm totally different.
Like to me what helped me is because I could revert to my
childhood and that I could be like, So what I the way I
process like my dad's death is I was like, you know what?
Cuz I used to get mad like people would be like oh man, my
dad died. I'm like, man, shit he was.
Alive, but you had him. So you were like 30 or like, you
know, I'll be like, what are you crying about, man?
Like that. But then I was like, when you
see it through a different perspective and you're like I
had 12 years. Of a better dad than people have
had nine months of, like, you know what I'm saying?
Like someone could never even have seen their dad or met their
dad. Like my parents installed a lot
of good things and good values, and they were able to teach us
about empathy. And we're like all empathetic.
Like we're loving others but still being tough and like, not
allowing people to walk all over.
So there was a lot of good things that I learned.
And when you get to see like, OK, maybe it's because.
That 12 years was way more than like most people would ever have
like because you would think that that wouldn't have an
impact. But from being born to seven is
the biggest impact is when you're being built the character
of who you are so. When I got, I think what helped
me and why, like maybe I would be in that booth, like I was
partying, drinking, do whatever I want, not caring.
But I think what drew me like what was helped me to be able to
get back is because I already had stuff implanted.
Like there was already this. You had a good.
Deep rooted, Yeah. My foundation was there.
It's just that it was foggy and murky from all the things that
went through and then this slowly, like trying to realize
like what you're doing, like, you know, like and process your
process. I'm still processing a lot of it
like an understanding. I have come to understanding of
some things, but then there's other things I don't have
understanding and I'm getting there.
And now that I'm telling people my boundaries, whether friends
or, you know, significant other, you go, hey, these are my
boundaries. Hey, now I speak up.
But I mean, there's still situations because I've always
spoke up, but I also kind of like know when and where to
speak up. Like, one thing I tell people
was like my boss right now he's like my test, like him working
with him. He's not a bad person, but he's
constantly like this mopey and Moody and like.
I'm always like he. He comes for me.
With problems, yeah. And he, but he also stabs me in
the back and like, makes himself look better.
And I've been able to go through it and like, I just kind of tell
him, but like without it helped me learn how to tell somebody
off without cussing them out. Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, yeah, no get your point across and without like just
like hey you stupid like I'll be like hey look man.
Do you want me to help you like I have sometimes it's weird
because he's he's 52 and I'm 40 and I have to talk to like a
child. I'm like, hey, yeah, I'm like,
hey man what are you doing? Like or now I know how to
approach him. I just like now I'm embracing
everything that has a lesson as something to to make me better
and it's not easy like I'm I, I I have a lot of empathy for
people. I hate when people are like, oh
man he's just a drug addict. I'm like, what?
You don't know why, man? Or just like, oh, he's home.
You don't know why. Like you're you're judging.
You're judging. We should never will.
The problem no with the problem with society too, is you think
you've got it figured out. But actually you don't.
And here's the thing. What maybe drives one person to
homelessness is completely different or whatever it is than
another person. Like my brother had the best
heart, the best everything. And when somebody starts talking
about drug addicts, like, I get pissed.
And that's why I work a lot of times with drug addicts.
And you know what? They could be the worst come
down. They can be the hardest patient.
And with the exception of probably 2 patients in my full
six years where I've been working in this, they they
relate to me because they know I'm not there to point my finger
at them because I've had that happen to me and I don't like
it, You know, I don't like when people do that.
And so I always try and put myself in that position and say.
OK And even sometimes they'll tell you go F you right to your
face, you know and and it's hard to not get mad, but at the same
time you have to say he's in a different place than I am.
Like you and your boss, it doesn't matter how old he is,
you you're ahead mentally. And this has happened with
husband, so husbands and exwives for me.
So the first one was named almost the same name with the
exception of one letter as the one now okay and and it was like
the same situation, like we got married and within a year and I
was 17, he was 25 and I didn't know how to be a wife, let alone
a mother. But within a year, that little
girl came to live with us and I had to step that crap up and she
was like 5, you know? And so I I was nice to her mom
and I I was taught. I think I was tolerant is the
better word. But in my heart, I still held
her accountable for what she wasn't doing.
I was very finger pointy. I was very should, should,
should in my brain, not to her. And so in my mind, I had all
these feelings against her. And it wasn't helpful to the
little girl, because no matter if your parent is the worst
human on earth, a killer, like serious kids still want the love
of their parent. And so with the second one,
well, that one, when when I found out I was getting
divorced, I just let it rip. One day she caught me on a bad
day and I lit into her like you wouldn't even believe.
And she was shook because she was going through some hard
times of her own, like she had a stroke, like she was sick, you
know, and I shouldn't have done that.
And and in retrospect, I I felt so justified because I was right
and she was wrong and blah blah blah.
And I was, you know what I was? But at the end of the day, who
did I hurt? A that little girl, but she was
like 14 at that point and BI never saw her again because she
ended up going back to her mom and all the years I spent
bonding with that little girl where I thought she would be in
my life forever. She's in her 30s and I never
seen her again. And then so the next one comes
and we do the same thing. We're battling.
She's got almost the same name and I don't want to say the
name, you know, but so we're battling over children,
differences of opinion. And she was my person, like your
boss is your person. And I was like, this person
drives me crazy. Like she thinks completely
different than me. But honestly, some of it was
detrimental and needed to be fixed.
But some of it wasn't. Some of it was just like me
being a jerk, you know, me being like, well, my favorite color is
blue and so everybody should like blue.
And you know, it was just stupid.
Not really, but you get what I'm saying.
So as a mom, I was super judgmental and I and then I
stopped when I when I started going through all these problems
with my daughter who is estranged from me.
She's 27 now and this happened four years ago.
So she was my best friend for for everything and she was my
idol. Actually.
I made her an idol in my life and we can cuz that.
You're kind of, yeah. Well, that's a little different,
but you shouldn't do it, cuz I'll tell you why, cuz it made
my husband less than, it made my other children less than and it
wasn't healthy behavior. And so when she ended up going
to go get married, this guy that she picked, he, I mean, I he's
probably a narcissist. OKI can't guarantee that.
But some of the behaviors that he has exhibited are very
strange. So I go into panic mode full on,
and I'm, like, freaking out. And what happens?
She just full on cuts me off, like, of everything.
I'm all of a sudden toxic member.
We're best friends, like now I'm toxic bad person, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah. So OK, I'm.
I'm shook, you know, I'm at home crying like every day for a
year, you know, wanting to almost die, not kill myself but
like die, you know? And she calls me and she this
exwife and she says I wanted to know if you were okay and okay.
So we had already had C, PS:. Involved and gone through a
whole thing about taking the kids and everything.
And yes, we were right legally, everything.
We were right okay. But it wasn't right.
And here's the thing, it could have been handled better.
It could have been handled different.
We it just wasn't. It wasn't good for the kids.
It scarred them for life, like. And so at the end of the day,
instead of making that same mistake twice, and I even told
her, you should probably tell me to go F myself and laugh because
now my kids gone, you know, like what happened?
And so she said to me, what kind of Christian would I be?
That is so humbling, bro. I was like, oh, my gosh.
Like, at first I thought, like, there's no way this is real, you
know? So we became really good friends
after that. And we forgave each other and we
forgave each other together with my husband and her exhusband and
the other her husband at the time.
And the kids got to see it all. And those kids, we're so happy
and so blessed from that. Even though I can disagree with
some of the things she does, I had to learn that I could love
someone even though they really pissed me off.
You know? Like, like you can love them and
don't like what they do. You can love them and don't
agree with what they do. You can like them and think that
they're wrong. And and sometimes she wasn't
wrong. Sometimes it was just a
difference of motherly opinion, you know?
And everybody thinks that they're right when it comes to
kids. Like, oh, we got to do this for
the kids, the kids, the kids. But sometimes it's not what they
need. Sometimes they need that little
bit of a different perspective. And we weren't, like, allowing
that kind of like. And later when I stepped away
from it, all I could think of was the story of King David, how
OK, he had a nickname for him. God called King David his
beloved. OK, but King David was a
murderer. He was a blasphemer.
He was a torturer. He was an adulterer.
He had so many wives. And no matter how many times God
came to me, he messed it up so many times like he would just,
like, mess it up again, you know, It was like it was like on
and on. And yet he still called him his
beloved. And that taught me unconditional
love. Now she's not a King, David.
Well, that's what I was going to tell you.
That's like what my. Like my mom taught me right.
Like, and that's what I the same approach that I use with my
daughter like because it makes it a lot easier and obviously
it's different circumstances. So like my daughter was able to
retain the information a lot faster than I was able to.
But it's because no matter what I did no matter going in trouble
going to jail. No matter getting in trouble
like not coming home for months. I no matter what, like people
could be like. I I one of my friends was like
telling me how her mom is like. Like just toxic and horrible and
like going off. And then there's this movie
called Due Date. I don't.
Know if you've ever seen it with Zach Galifianafius.
And Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, there's a scene where he's like, Robert Downey Jr. is like
breaking down. And he's like, my dad asked me
to wake him up early and my dad never talked to me really like
that. So I was all excited.
I got all ready and I woke him up.
And then he saw, thanks buddy. And then he left and he never
came back. And then Zach, let's start
laughing. So my dad would never do that.
So I would tell her that because I'm fortunate that.
So that's where I had to like. So when we, I look at my
appreciation like I have a brother, I have a mom, a sister,
like my family. It's not a huge family.
Like, I don't really talk to my aunts, uncles, and like my
extended family, but my my daughter, like my certain
friends, my circle. There, I I couldn't ask for
anything better. Like a supporting cat said,
Like, no matter what, like, they're not going to steal from
me. They're not going to do me
wrong. If I if I'm down and out,
they're going to help pick me up.
So once I was able to realize that and appreciate it, that was
able to turn for me. So like, and for me, obviously,
like, my daughter was a big impact on me too.
Like, because I'll be like, OK, I got to do this.
I mean, she seen she visit me in jail.
Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I felt bad.
That's not that's that's not a bad.
I mean, I know this sounds terrible, but my dad went to
prison when I was young, Yeah, And my mom kept me from him
because she felt like it was better.
And actually, it really hurt me. So I oh, I.
Mean. I think it's good.
I know that's bad. And that wasn't him.
For a long time. I wasn't like counting Joe and
stuff, but like, she was just worried about and then she saw
me. She's like, all right, you're
good. Like she just thought.
Like you're safe, she. Felt good.
Yeah, like he's ain't gonna go nowhere.
But that's one thing I do tell a lot of my girlfriends, my
friends that, like all my women friends, I go.
I understand that you're scorned by your ex or you have some kind
of resentment towards them. I was like, but if they want to
be in the kids life, let them. I don't care if they're not
paying your child support now, should they pay your child
support? Is it expensive to raise a kid?
Yes. But don't vote if you are doing
fine though, like, right, like there's some some of my women
friends, they're doing great. Like they're very successful and
they're able to. Sustain everything.
But they get angry. Like, why am I paying for all
the medical bills? Why am I paying for all her
clothes if they're trying? The relationship with the father
and the and the kid is more important than the little petty
war of hey, they didn't pay this.
If they're trying, give them a break.
And I get it that they should be doing more.
But the relationship. So money.
Yeah, the. Money thing.
The money thing is important, but I will tell you I begged.
So my first husband, he took off.
He got on meth and he was crazy and stuff and he moved back far
away from me to the Midwest. Excuse me, my ass was kicking my
butts tonight but but he moved far away and I would beg him
please just call them like he was such a twerp about paying or
anything and he would be like please, you know, please don't
go after me and some at some point I just had to turn it
over. Not because I wanted to, because
I needed help from the state and they force it.
And to this day, he tells PEOPLE.
Like, she came after me. I'm like, I ain't come after
nothing. I just needed food stamps, bro.
Like I just had to have. Some, yeah.
I also tell my friends, my guy friends, I'm like, hey, also
stop nitpicking what they're doing with the money Like, oh,
they just got new shoes or they yeah, well, this if now if
that's happening and your kid doesn't have clothes and they're
not eating, OK, you have some ground stand on it.
But if they have. All the food they need, they
have a house being paid for rent, whatever it is, They got
clothes on their back and they're getting to school every
day. Then you have no argument of
where that money's going well because it's like 20 something
dollars a day when you break it down at like 700 and something.
Dollars more, man. Yeah, it's like $23 a day.
Yeah, at 750 a month, I think I broke it down and don't quote me
on the map, but this was a while ago.
It was like $23 a day and like you're going to feed them three
times or even 2, but. Well, that's where I it was
lucky. Yeah.
My my daughter doesn't eat. She's easy.
I could just now she eats a little bit more, but back then I
could just give her like a bag of Doritos and she's good.
You would. It's so weird, too, because like
me, I gotta eat. Like, like, I gotta eat three
meals. Like when we go, because she's
going to come out here because I live in Michigan now.
We're originally from, I'm from California, but she's still in
California. She's coming out here because
we're going to watch a Raider game in next month.
And like when we do go cuz we try to go and see, like cuz
she'll turn. She turns 21 this year.
She'll turn 21 in October next month to go.
And what can I ask you? What day my I have a daughter
in. October 15th.
Oh my gosh. Like the 16th.
Oh, really? Not the same age?
They're close. She's.
Yeah, she's gonna be 20. Yeah, she'll be.
She'll turn 21 too 24. Gotcha.
Yeah, and she when we go places I'll be like.
Oh man, she's like, you got to eat again.
I'm like, yeah, you got to eat. I got to eat three times a day,
man. I'm just going to eat one time a
day. And you're good with that, Like,
Oh my. Gosh.
I do think that unconditional love, but also men.
It's it's this balance. It's not just women's fault,
It's not just men's fault. It's a communicate lack of
communication or upbringing sometimes, or bad influences.
Like I go in a lot on. I know a lot of people.
There's this water. Yeah, there's anger.
Oh, anger. But like I'm saying like even
just bad influences. Like there's this page called, I
think it's called The Milk Bar on Twitter and they did a real
great expose on on Andrew Tate. So people are falling in line to
people like this guy Tate where they are saying some things that
are true, right? Like there is some.
Ignorant women out there, they're like, man, I need a man
that makes 500 K like good luck, like good luck.
Like all of you, you think all of you are going to find
millionaires. Like, OK, good luck, But that's
also saturated. Like a lot of these things are
not fabricated, but when people have a camera in front of them,
they're more likely to be more braggadocious.
Or they're or. Exactly.
They want to be. They want to be something.
And depending on what? Just being asked like for
instance. Well, I know I see a lot of
people that were like when the whole abortion, Roe V Wade thing
like that. Don't even get me started on
that, because people get that. To me, it's another Do you want
to have it solved? Do you want to know my do you
want to know my opinion on it? Actually, this is pretty, pretty
funny as a woman. So if you actually know the law,
it should have never been a federal decision.
The laws are always made by the state for family law, federal.
And people will say, well, what about guns?
No, no, no, no, no. Guns are not a state law.
Guns are federally protected by the Constitution.
So that's the difference. And people get it twisted.
Do I, am I against or for? I wouldn't do it personally, but
I'm not going to say I'm against because I don't want to see
women in the ER having bad situations because they were
trying to do something at home, you know?
Well, there's also like an aspect like.
But I'm saying this is that's a problem that we've been fighting
about for like 60 / 60 years, but they're fighting about
something that should have never happened.
It should. Never Benefedral.
I understand that point. Yeah, of course, Like the States
are supposed to. My point is that, like, it's
meant to be a argument that's forever.
That's why the left The left is like, hey, you should be able to
kill the baby when it's like 2 years old.
Right. And then the right is like.
Any kind of. Any kind of abortion is murder,
and they don't. They have the same talking
points for over 60 years. The this is the kind of things
that we fall into these traps. That's why the Andrew Tates of
the world are able to get into the minds of the youth, because
nobody's actually having critical, real conversations
like I've I've gone up against a lot of people.
A lot of people get mad at me because I'm like.
I I'm with you. I don't really have a stance
necessarily, but I tell people arguments they can have.
I'm like, if you're conservative, here's an argument
that you can use that might go a lot better instead of calling
somebody a murderer because you're insinuating that they're
intentionally trying to kill somebody, which that's not the
situation. We all know that most people
that are getting abortions are stuck in a weird spot, like
whether it's like from infidelity or whether they're a
really young age and their parents are going to be, they're
out of fear. So they're.
Already in fear. And then they're walking and
these people are protesting and calling the murderers.
They don't know what to do. And then the people inside are
not even giving them the full scope of things.
I know plenty of women that have had abortions.
The one thing that people don't talk about enough is the
psychological thing that works in a woman's brain.
When that happens, like it's it's detrimental.
Like it doesn't go away. Like and I feel that like I had
women have abortions with my kid and I was pissed like at them,
but over time I was able to work through it because I obviously
didn't have. An actual physical attachment to
it, right? Right.
Because I did. The big was a born, but you
still knew. And I think at the end of the
day, like the argument isn't they do these things on purpose
because they know the laws. They knew that that law should
have never been federally protected.
They knew when they put it into place that it was wrong and they
knew and kept it in their back pocket for one day.
They could stir the pot. That all, not even one day they
leave it open-ended because it's an argument.
Because it has to do with life, right?
They play on the strings of. Morality.
People's emotions. So like the hardcore
conservative people are like, you just have to have the baby.
But then the left make a good point.
They go, so are you, If we have all these babies, are you going
to pay more taxes for welfare? Are you going to pay more taxes
for foster care, things of that nature?
And then that's another thing. Is it a good thing for them to
have the baby and then they get the baby up and it goes into
foster care? When we know how the foster care
system works, it's not an easy question, but what we should buy
now because it's intentionally made to drag out forever.
And I get it. Like, I I don't understand the
whole state. Like, I'm with you.
Like, I I don't think the federal government should run
anything because, like, it goes by state.
That's the whole reason why we're a union.
Like, you know what I mean? United States.
It's not like, oh, we're a Republic of people can't hear
me. HM now.
Couldn't connect. Come on.
There you go. Now I can hear you good.
There we go. I don't know what happened but.
It happens sometimes. That's what sometimes happens
with zoom. But yeah, the argument is to
continuously have this argument. It's not like I'm just going
away from the whole state thing. The the problem is is because
they want to not find solutions. The solution should cause
division. There there should be a
solution. Even my mom, who is hardcore
conservative, that's super against the death penalty, super
against abortion. She even understands that at
some point she goes, OK, where? Let's work, let's work it out.
Where's the Where's the deal? Is where's the cutoff?
Is it two months? Three months?
That's where we should be arguing right now.
But instead, we're at the same point that we were sixty years
ago. And even if it becomes back to
state law, I still feel it should be universal across the
board. Because too many people playing
games. Like you get the conservative
states that are doing this and that, and then you get the, you
know, Democratic states that are, like you said at 2 years
old. It needs to be universal.
It's. I mean, I.
Exaggerate a little bit, but it is.
You get what what I'm saying it can be almost at.
Birth well in Portland they had they in Portland they have a 10.
Like a 10. Day wars or like it was like I
forgot something weird. Like it was wild and that that
can't happen. But they should be universal and
it shouldn't have never been federal.
But they they prey on our feelings.
So anything that has to do with race or morality, they're going
to constantly make an issue constant because they can,
because they know what they fight about it.
Yeah, that goes back to what we're talking about, the
beginning. They did the same thing with the
Patriot, like with patriotism. They play on the strings of
people in the like, World War 2, for example.
Now we could go all the way. Like, I don't know what happened
with I I think that a lot of the stuff is real.
There's some people that may think that some of that stuff
was fake. I don't know but.
In general, the way that we got, they got us into the war was
through propaganda, through cartoons, telling us we're the
hero, we need to save them. That's how we got into involved
in all these things. Why did we get involved in
Vietnam besides the Gulf of Tonkin?
Because we needed to help. Communism is going to take us
over and it's this endless cycle.
So that's why I find it funny when now conservatives are
coming out and they're like, man, all these kids are
indoctrinated. You think that we haven't been
indoctrinated. Did Rockefellers just start
putting the education syllabus together and 20 years ago?
No, it's been for a long time. And they don't want to admit
that stuff that they've been brainwashed.
People don't want to make understand that they've slipped
me fortunate for me. I didn't go to school.
So like, I was like, I'm not going to school, man.
I hate school. I think that was probably one of
the best choices. Only because I didn't get.
I had no way of getting indoctrinated, which could have
possibly happened because after 911, everybody like that week,
man, I was like 18 years old and we're like.
So go to the Marine. But they wouldn't accept me
because I wasn't in. I didn't go to school for like
you had to be in school from 10th to 11th grade, which I
wasn't at all. I wasn't even never enrolled.
So they didn't accept me and I was like, I was all pissed, but
probably the best thing that probably wouldn't.
Ever be a good thing. Well, and I just think that
anything like that, they're always going to use to divide us
because they know if we all come together, they're in deep crap.
They know that if all of us like, work our problems out or
stop making it the race card, or stop making it, you know, the
morality card or the religion card or whatever card you want
to play, if we all come together and we're a lot more alike than
we are different. Then, and especially now, it's
like men and women like they're they're trying to D masculate
men and make women this big thing and and that's another
thing. So it's just always something
that they want to push and it's because it keeps us apart.
It doesn't keep us unified, yeah.
And that's the breakdown of the family, which is like the whole
Hegelian dialect. Like if you know anything about
that, like you know for a fact that's what they're trying to
do, you know it's it's to demoralize.
People don't even know what that means to divide the working
class because like the working class, that's like my most
passionate thing is I always tell people like, even like, for
instance, right now I'm in Michigan and there's a strike.
EU, the UAW is striking right now.
The Chrysler buildings, now they want to have four day work weeks
and they're asking us. But there's other people that
are like, that's insane. They should.
Why? Why?
When these people make a lot? Because they are like, we as the
public are going to pay more. Look, why do we pay more?
You don't even understand why we pay more for cars, do you?
Because I worked in some car facilities.
There's one plant that just makes bumpers and these these
companies have no affiliation with Chrysler.
They sell it to them. So since you're piercing it all
around, it's going to cost more and it's more things that that
they're they're not looking at the bigger picture.
They're looking at like, for instance, I always since I were
talking about football earlier too.
Yeah, I always see work like they don't consider football
players working class people, right, because they make
millions of dollars and they go, I can't believe he wants this
contract. Well, you do realize that.
And the average NFL player is like 5 years.
A running back is like two to three years.
So why should they not maximize that small window that they have
and you're going to come for a lifetime of work?
Or you could be you, you could be damaged forever.
You can bust blow out. Into the market well and the
brain injuries. Like, yeah, the brain injuries.
Yeah. Then you get into a point where
you're like, oh man, I can't believe this guy's asking for
300 million, but you're not even considering the billions that
are being made by the owners. You don't even care because it's
not something you're seeing every day and you're not
thinking, hey, who's making all these news reports talking crap
on the players? Oh, it's probably coming from
the organization because the organization doesn't want to pay
them. So they're making you, the fan
base, turn on them so that they go, oh man, maybe they'll ask.
They don't see the games they play.
And that's why we're always divided.
Because people are so selfish. And.
So leadable I I look at some things that I'm just like, no,
I'm not going to do that. And if you stand up, even if
it's a good friend, which I've had this happen this last week,
we had a difference of opinion. And I really believed in what I
said and she really believed in what she said.
And instead of us just sitting down and talking about it, you
know? It was trying to be like, you're
going to do what I want or else I'm going to be angry and that's
all. And I'm like, that's not going
to help anything, like at all because I'm never going to
change my opinion and you're never going to change your
opinion. So we can agree to disagree and
still continue with our friendship and love, but but
that's not how it goes. And you know that that's what
causes division in things you know, and people can't.
Well, for most people. We have different brains.
Yeah, for me, like, I like when people were like, man, I hear a
lot of podcasters said this, I'd be like, man with the politics,
like because people that were big on Trump, they're like, man,
I lost family members through Covila.
I personally didn't lose anybody because I've always been the
same for such a long time that people know how I am and they
got cut out. Or like, we separated a long
time ago before any of this stuff, because I weeded people
out. And if you're going to lose a
friendship, if you're going to lose a family member over
something so trivial, that's crazy to me.
Like people were like ending friendships because they're
like, he's voting Biden or he's voting Trump.
Like at the end of the day, they're both a uni party.
But yes, that I'm like one step away from anarchy because it's
all selected. It's all selected, not elected.
And it's not that I don't care about our country.
When I say anarchy, people immediately think, oh, well, she
doesn't love America. No, no, no.
I'm all about the Ryan Christian.
I don't know if you listened to the last American Vagabond He's
oh, yeah, yeah. He's amazing and he does all of
his throw and he has open. Sources James Corbett is also a
good one. Too, yes, I would listen.
And so when this all started, the thing from 2020 that will
never go away, What I did as a nurse is educated myself and
therefore started educating others.
And I was literally shut down by every healthcare professional
because they're like, no, that's wrong.
And I'm like, no, no, I'm not just telling you.
This because it's my opinion. I'm going to show you some JAMA
studies. I'm going to show you some math
studies. I'm going to show you this stuff
and they don't want to see it. And at some point you just
banging your head against a wall, you know, it's so
frustrating. Well, you got to find the right
people to breakdown evidence. So like, yeah, one thing that I
like to point out in another podcast that I love a lot of
people that followed me know is no agenda.
No agenda is one of my favorite no agenda.
And when they were breaking stuff down, like when they were
showing exposing propaganda, so they remember they were saying
the morgues are over flooded, they had to bring trucks in with
ice bags to to preserve the bodies, which was true.
But the reason that that was happening is because people
couldn't have funerals, so a more can only fit so many
people. Like before we start burying
things. Yeah, and if you're not burying
them, then they. Have they have nowhere else to
go. You're you're having people so
it gave the illusion of these body stacking on body.
So people are like, Oh my God, again with the mask, things like
people would see studies and they'll be like, it doesn't
matter how much you showed. One of my favorite things was
people. I would show people and even
online it would happen. But like I would show people,
I'll be like, well, how do we know that this PCR test is good?
Because even Fauci said, if you were, if you have it so much
cycles ramped up that it's dead. Carrie Mullis.
Yeah. Like, yes.
Well, that's what I would show. I would show them the Carrie
Mullis video and then they would go, where'd you find that?
You and he hated invented it. He hated invented it.
Yeah. And he got a Nobel Peace Prize
for this. And you're telling me, oh, he's
just some guy on YouTube? I'm like, no, he's the inventor.
No, it's not like he just don't smoke like me like is.
It was just me saying it, OK, I get it.
But he said, if you ramped it up, he said we all have
molecules of all of these viruses and different diseases
if you. Wrapped it up, you can find
anything. Yep, he said.
You can find anything and anything.
And so and then he went off about Fauci.
And there's this podcast, and it's tiny and it's mostly about
surfing, but it's called the Surfers Path.
And he has an episode on this because he was a big surfer.
And so I watched it and I thought, Oh my gosh.
And like, you would show it to people.
But what it is, is clips of him speaking himself.
Him himself speaking and some of the funniest stuff is on there
because he's like I told him, Fauci, I'd debate him anytime
and he won't debate me. And I said.
Right now. He's an idiot, you know?
And I was like, well, I got that.
I sampled that for one of my songs.
So he goes, and I was saying to his face.
And I'm just, I'm just like why is everybody so negative about
this like you try to say anything and and before this all
happened. Before everything kicked off,
every nurse knew that if you wear a mask in surgery, because
they always bring up surgery and you touch it, once it's
contaminated, that's it, it's done.
How contaminated were these things?
And they didn't bring up the studies where the children were
getting worms and I'm talking about parasites in their bum
because they wouldn't wash their hands at school because their
kids and go to the bathroom and touch their mask and.
Touch everything and and then, you know, put it back on and
reuse the same one every day. And I'm like, that is
disgusting. Literally the the thing that
like I found interesting because I listen to, like because what
I'm going to do is if I am not aware of a situation, I'm going
to go talk, listen to other people that know in that field.
Well, what I've heard a lot of, a lot of nurses were saying
really the whole point of a surgical mask is not necessarily
to protect from a virus. It's so I don't spit or like
let. My actual, like, fluids get all
over the patient and go into their open room.
Like, you know what I mean? I'm cutting somebody open.
It's not about they lost the whole thing, yeah.
Unless she said that they. An N95 and even then the problem
is with an N95 and most people don't know this, but the guy
that did the OSHA for masks came out and spoke out about this
because of the schools. He was so upset because they
were doing this to children. He said even if you wore an N
95, the particulate is too small for the N 95 because it's so
much smaller than tuberculosis and it barely filters that.
So he's like, unless you have the crazy, my husband works in a
mine. Unless you have those kind of
fitted with the crazy like things in the front, it's not.
Going to work? Yeah.
And the second you touch it now it's dirty and you'd have to
change it 100 times a day like it's not going to happen.
And they're just dirty and gross.
And I mean, I was so naughty, but at work I just, I just would
pull it in and cons because they were going to fire us, you know,
and save. I mean try and be a nurse and go
through that. Year.
And I luckily luckily me trying to die all my life save my ass.
Because I have such bad allergies and asthma.
They were like, she might die if if we give her this.
Yeah, I got the only note. My doctor told me too.
He's like, you are the only patient I have wrote a letter
for because you might actually die.
And I'm like, cool. Like, I didn't care why.
I was like, cool. I don't care.
Like, that's awesome. Like he really.
Believes in it, yeah. Another nurse was talking about
the N95 mask and this is like during the whole thing, she said
yeah, she said when we get one, first of all like to test it,
they would put like a box over their head and spray Lysol and
she goes, I would go through like 5-6.
I would go through 5-6 until we found the one because you would
have to keep putting it on until I didn't smell Lysol and she was
like it could be 5610 and then I finally find one.
It's just people want these, like, reassurances.
And again, they played off the fear in the beginning.
They showed that what seemed to be bodies falling everywhere in
China. So people were like, Oh my God.
It scared me at first. I was scared as a nurse.
Bet your butt. I was scared.
I was like, I'm going to work in this, you know?
But here's the thing. I also knew the science.
I knew like, okay, even if I wear this mask for you, for you,
I'm breathing out. It's not helping you.
And even if you get that injection.
It doesn't matter. You're not not going to spread
it like and then the whole super spreader talk and all this stuff
and I'm like okay you guys and that's why I finally started
doing what you did looking For more information because I was
like none of this makes nursing sense in my brain.
None. And everybody else is just like,
yeah, let Cheek to the wolves. You know I I wasn't down like.
I I I mean, I stand by what I said then I I'll stand by it
again if it's coming on up because it's always planned.
They're planned by each election year.
There's a plan demick. A plan demick and it and it's
completely bold. I think like there is
possibilities of all that. But I also think of like the
Henry Kissinger. I think sometimes these things
come along that they're not. It's don't let a good crisis.
Use it. Yeah, don't let a good crisis go
to waste. I think that's the mentality of
a lot of people I don't know. This one was created, I think,
yeah, well, we know that there's bio weapons and things like
that, but we don't know the the full story of what they're
trying to do. But at the end of the day, it's
like, well, what can I worry about?
And you can only tell people, like I told a lot of people, you
guys, Catalyst, I used to tell him, because we did a lot of
podcasts together and he would be like.
Oh man, they're sheep. They're sheep, I said.
Man, you got to show them compassion, bro.
Like they're people just like me and you.
And you know what happens when you start yelling at them or
telling them that they're idiots?
Right away you're reinforcing what the media is saying about
people like me and you that are not disagreeing with the
socalled science. It has to just be like a
presentation. And like, here's one or two
facts. You can't just bomb them either.
No, it has to be like, you don't even have to tell them anything.
I'm talking about. You show like what I would tell
them was. Like, show them facts.
I would. No, not even like, I'm talking
about just like you're going to the gas station, you're going to
the liquor store and someone's wearing masks.
I'm gonna hold the door for them.
Just like I was hoping to. Yeah.
But you would see.
That's what I'm saying. I go talk to them.
I'm not talking to them because usually you're not going to
change their mind unless you know them.
If I know them. But no, no, but you're
misunderstanding what I'm trying to say.
I'm not talking about tell. I'm not going to go tell them
that hey, you shouldn't be wearing a mask.
I'm saying don't do that. Talk to them like a normal human
being. Be like hey how?
Would you do that? Yeah, that's when you when you
have these conversations. What I noticed through me being
just, hey, what's going on, blah blah blah, Not even remember,
like not even thinking about their masks, not even care, not
talking about COVID, whatever. You know what would happen?
They would end up taking off the mask because I would make them
feel so comfortable that they're not even thinking and and and
unconsciously they're taking it down like oh like hey, no, you
know what I meant is blah blah because I'm making them feel and
I'm not like bashing them. I have no idea.
And when people did bring in like I had ups drivers come and
I go. Look bro, if that's what you if
that makes you feel better. I'm not.
It's not up to me.
I'm not going to argue with you because I'm not going to wear
one, but I'm not going to. I'm not going.
To I don't think we should ever force like if they want to do
it, they can do it if we if. But I never treated anybody
worse or anything. And even recently, because at
the grocery store as of late, I'm seeing them pop all up all
over again and I'm like, uh oh, so I finally haven't read them
out here. Really.
Oh, it's so bad already. Like, and I, I said to one girl
because it seemed to be all the employees.
And I just said, can I ask you a question?
And she said, yeah, I said, are they making you do that?
Are you choosing to do that? She said no, no, I just don't
feel the best today. And I said I I don't mean any to
disrespect to you. I was just curious, you know, if
it was like a new mandate because I'm concerned for me as
a nurse And she was like, Oh yeah, blah, blah, blah.
But you know, I don't know. But what you got to understand
too, is that the first message. So say someone's accused of
something, right? They're falsely accused of
murder. It's everywhere.
It's on every every newspaper, every magazine, every news
station. Turns out it's phony charges.
You're not going to see that same blasted out.
And that's the same thing that happened with this.
So it was blasted. I wear a mask, say, be, say,
man, be like, you know, don't kill grandma.
So like, even there's nobody really challenging Now we'll say
CNN did recently half out you on, they did challenge him on
mask. They go, well, what about this
study? What about that study?
I think that to me like whether it's Illuminati, fallen angels,
Freemason, whatever, it it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. Like at the end of the day, if
you believe in God or you don't believe in God, if you believe
in yourself, if you believe in the mother, the nature or the
earth being, whatever you believe in.
All that matters is do you be a better you try your best to not
challenge it. Because we need these people.
They're on our team, and in the end, us fighting with them does
us no good. So do your best to be like, OK,
if you have an opportunity and they're willing to talk about it
and they would like some information, give it to them.
If not, just treat them like with compassion.
Be like, hey man, I got nothing below for you, man.
I hope everything's good with you.
That's what is going to be way more effective than us yelling
at them and be like you hate. Yes, you're you're making us all
like because they're not doing it to hurt us.
Well, it makes their fear. Crazy and too, because then we
look like what they say. We are like, oh, they're crazy
and they're not doing this because they're crazy and look
at the crazy people and then we act crazy.
And I don't do that. I just try to little by little
say things if it's appropriate, but if it isn't, I don't.
You know, I'm not gonna bring it up out of the blue.
I'm not gonna be mean or disrespectful.
I'm just gonna do what I would normally do, you know, like the
great philosopher Jackie Moon from the Flint tropics would
say. Everybody love everybody.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because at the end of the day.
At the end of the day, we're all going to be in this literally
together, just like they said. So at the end of the day, we all
have to choose how we're in it, how we act, how we respond.
And that's all goes back to that whole what you were saying about
controlling your emotion and not being just reactive, reactive,
reactive. And I'm a very reactive person.
Or maybe I used to be more and now I'm just like hey.
You know, and somebody even said to me, I'm going to give this to
God. And still they were mad at me.
And I said, well, me too, because I'm not God and I don't
have the answers, you know, And I didn't and I don't.
And so at the end of the day, sometimes that's really all you
can do, you know, is give it up to whatever you said, like
power, God. For some people, whatever that
is, sometimes you're never going to get the answer, maybe not
even when you die. Like, we don't know.
We don't even know so but if you I.
Mean. I believe we do, but you know,
that's a different subject. Yeah, that's our own little, our
own little world of it. But I I totally agree.
And I just think that's how we move forward, man.
Like compassion, empathy and understanding and communicating
proper. Cure because it's coming.
With each other and whether we like it or not, something's up.
Because something's changing. And so we all need to be better
prepared this time to not be like that, not to be the 2020
horrible. We, I saw some really horrible
things come out in people during that year.
And I just, I don't think that's a good way.
You know, I think we need to, like you said, be more
compassionate, be less reactive. Even if you're extremely like,
believe in something, that's your belief.
That doesn't have to be my belief, but don't come at me at
it now. If somebody comes at me, though,
if you come for me, I'm I'm going to tell you why I choose
what I choose. Not in a mean way.
I'm just going to tell you This is why.
And you can't force me either. You know, well, don't I know
everybody thinks that, like, it's going to be COVID and it's
going to be these viruses all the time.
There's going to be a little play of all that stuff.
That's not what's next. What's coming up next is we've
seen it for down the pipeline for.
Project Bluebeam is coming and climate no I.
Like we can see all that. You don't think they're climate
change? Climate change?
Climate already is the real fear that they could cuz look the
alien thing that's like all fun. Like we we talk about it a lot
like like Joel my cohost. He he's like all about nephalem.
Like he's like he's your nephalem expert.
He's like, he's all about Nephalem and we talk about it
and he's always saying like, I think the Blue Beam crap, all
the people talking about Blue beam, I think it's a bunch of
bogus bullcrap. Because what's going to happen
is people are going to think it's this fake invasion, but
it's not a fake invasion. It's really fallen angels that
are coming down and like so and then he will.
Get the truthers used to it. Nobody.
He's saying that like, what's going to happen is like, so all
the people that critically think and that push against a lot of
stuff are now so focused. Blue beam, Blue beam.
Blue beam, blue beam that when they see that they're going, ah,
that's fake that's the hologram. But maybe it is a hologram but
maybe there's a a fallen Angel in there.
Maybe it is something. But again that's not to me.
I think that's more farfetched. Right.
Like there's there's possibilities of it.
I leave it open for all kinds of possibilities because I don't
know but what can we see right now we can see right now climate
change has been huge like they got the sunrise movements back
and active. They're they they got people in
fear of like, hey, we're going to die.
We only have 10 more years. Even though they keep saying
that like every 10 years, that's what.
We have to like, and back in the 80s it was we're all going to
freeze to death. Remember it.
Was the Ice Age the 70s with Leonard Nimoy and?
They kept saying oh it's going to it's going to be another Ice
Age and now they're like oh we're going to burn to death.
And I'm not really as concerned, but the problem with climate
change is, is it's on, it's non like the carbon.
And all the stuff they're talking about is they can't
unprove it. It's like so it's such.
It's like a virus. It's like a.
Virus. Yeah, because they can virus
you. Keep it forever because like,
also like, that's why COVID extended.
And this is the same reason how they'll get some of the climate
change. Like, so COVID, right.
People were like, oh man, I think I got COVID.
Oh, you can't go to work for two weeks.
I remember the FedEx driver was. Like, yeah, I had COVID, man.
I was out for two weeks. He's telling me that.
Almost like you're out for two weeks, huh?
They had a temperature of 100 and 506 for a week.
You're dead, bro. Like.
Dead like that's, but because they would use that because they
were, they were talking to their bosses, they don't want to go to
work. I got COVID.
I was super. Sick, but it depends on the
person. I had to go to work still.
Like I was pretty sick. I still had to go to work
because nobody was there to work.
My boss was on vacation. I got COVID from someone that
got my buddy that took the jab. He went to New York, came back,
got a so sick and I don't know because I didn't take the test,
but my brother took a test and he took a test.
They both came back positive. COVID.
And I had to take a test because I'm a nurse and I got sick.
And so then I got, I got sick at work because everybody was
getting, you know, the shot. And then I got sick because I
didn't. I think because they they,
they're so funny. People are so gullible that they
believe, oh, that can't happen. It can't spread from person to
person. Yes, it can, because they have a
rabies shot that spreads from dog to dog and they've had it
for a long time. They shed it off and the other
dog get some immunity from it. So don't tell me they don't have
the you know. Capability.
Yeah, that's why like. No, the back, the shot.
Yeah, that's shocking about this sneezing.
Yeah, you still sneeze it out. It still comes through.
You're like, it's your daytoday stuff, like you shed it like Dr.
McCullough talked about it a lot.
He was talking about like, yeah, I like Doctor McCullough and I
thought he said it could because a lot of people get into the
panic mode. He goes to me, if you took the
VAX after a year, it's out of your system.
The problem? Quit reading.
The reason we're yes, the reason we're seeing so much
monocarditis and stuff of that nature is because you keep
boosting every six months. Now you're increasing the
chances of. Something bad to happen, It's
just how it goes. Well, and it seems to me that if
people really understood about viruses.
If you believe in them, some people don't with your in theory
I get that. But if you are a believer in the
regular way, okay everyone knows that as a virus, when it first
comes out it's the worst it's going to be.
That's why the plague was so bad at 1st.
And then what happens? It gets more transmissible, but
it's not as serious okay. So every year it should be less
serious, more contagious, which is like the cold, the common
cold. But now they're trying to ramp
it up that all these, oh, it mutated.
I'm like, every virus mutates. What are you talking about?
Like this happens. This is normal.
And they act like it's not
normal. That was my first clue that
something was up, because I was. Most people don't know that,
though. That's The thing is you're
you're talking to people. It's a foreign language to
people that don't ever deal with anything like that.
Nurses. These were nurses.
Being killed and I'm like, dude. You know better, like you know,
or doctors even. And I would tell them like you,
you know, and they were like, no, no, that's not gotta.
Cover it all and do the things and I'm like, that doesn't even
make any sense. And I kind of got into it one
time and he's like, you send me the information with the doctor
and I was like, I was like on the button to send it.
And then I was like, do you like your job?
I. Was like.
Maybe I shouldn't send that. You know better Shut up.
Yeah. I mean.
Yeah, sometimes I I did still tell him what I what I wanted to
tell him. I just didn't want to send it,
like in writing my butt in trouble, you know?
But yeah, we can't control this world.
Nobody can control this world. Not even the people that think
they control this world, can't control this world.
So we have a fight in this game. We're not down unless we don't
stick together. That's the thing.
I think that's the biggest message that it should should
have given to people is that if you're such a fool that you
think that those people that are at the high elite are going to
take care of you, you think the government cares about you,
That's hilarious to me. They don't, you know, or they
would change a lot of things, but they don't do that.
And so why don't they give up for insulin?
Why don't they do other things? You know?
No. They don't care.
They don't care about you. And so the quicker you figure
that out, and especially baby boomers, they really trust the
government. And I mean.
I looked at no man, you people just.
Kind of trust them. Pretty great, man.
Yeah, it's wild to me. It is pretty.
Crazy. I'm like, I'm Gen.
X, so I'm like, uh, uh, we hate everything.
We're like, no, I also, I got a bona pick with a lot of Gen.
Xers because they always try to, they try to get a pass on
everything. They're like, man, we didn't do
anything. The world spoke and I'm like,
man, are you telling me, man, I was like, you guys raise kids
too, man. Like, don't I be like blaming it
on them? I'm just like take.
Everybody's involved. Everybody, We're all complices
in this. It is what it is.
But but we can all change it. How we react the next time.
I understand the fear, but we all saw that everybody around
you didn't die. There were some.
And I don't know, I have some
weird little coincidence, just coincidences, like it hits
certain races different. And I'm sorry, as a nurse, I
recognize that that scares me. That terrifies me to know like
that because my family's all mixed.
So I'm like, you know what? That scares me, you know?
But we just have to go from here on out because they're never,
you're never going to be able to prove this.
Never. Never, never, never, never,
never. It's going to be just like
Tuskegee and it's going to be shoved under a rug and you don't
trust the government. That's when people try to talk
to me about trust the government.
I'm like go read about the Tuskegee whole situation and and
other it's that's not alone. You know if you're a Native
American and you took that, you're insane.
You're insane. Like, do you know what they did
to your people? Like, do you have any idea like
you're going to trust the government?
Like I'm not trusting anybody except for people I know.
You know, that's for sure. You're close knit people and
eventually if there were anything that happened serious,
those people are going to branch out into little communities and
you'll, you'll figure out who your people are just like we do
in podcasting. And I've noticed it.
I'm like immediately they know who's BS and.
Who's not, Who's truthful, Who's not?
Who's real, who's not. And I've watched it happen, you
know, and and eventually you see it.
And so those people will band together.
But if they think we're gonna lay down and let them roll over
on us, it ain't gonna happen. No, not just not Rob.
Well, not. There's always gonna be some of
us that are going to stand up against stuff and people will
see overtime. Like, well, I mean in general of
the world, yeah, like them trying to take guns or them
trying to do this. And that's the thing that
everybody wants America to fall because we have guns and guns
when they disarm a population. You can look this up and we
won't go into because we're long right now, but guns give people
power. They just do.
And I'm not talking about using them irresponsibly or any of
that, but just the fact that they know that they're
accessible or that maybe your grandpa had one or whatever.
They know you're not just gonna roll over.
You know Texas ain't rolling nowhere.
Yeah, you look at Australia, man.
Like Australia, they're easy to take over.
They have no guns. And the reason why Japan never
invaded America, they say it. They said because if we invade
America, there will be a barrel behind every blade of grass.
Because we are a well armed Sicilian civilians, not just the
military, which the military is that.
And Sicilians are well armed as well.
But yeah, I agree. Like it's it's got to become a
point where we all like if the crap really did hit the fan and
we all had to have more of a nomadic society or whatever,
you're gonna. I don't want to be able to find
those people without driving people away because you have
like you, it goes back to that communication and it goes back
to not scaring people. It goes back to just treating
that person that had to wear it for that job.
And, you know, maybe they didn't have to, but maybe they
literally would be on the street.
I don't know. You know, it's all about you
inside. Some people would say that's
enough and I'll go for that. And that's okay too.
You know, I support. I support both so.
If you feel like you can't do that, then that's you.
And if you feel like you should do that, I mean, I was going to
quit, you know, and that's me. But you can't make people do
anything, you know, I totally. Agree.
Yeah, we all just have to work on ourselves.
I think that you mentioned that quite a bit.
That's usually my my main, my main key is just like work on
yourself, make yourself better. And then you will in turn make
the world better because you will put more of that energy out
there and it will spread to people.
Just like negative energy spreads, a positive energy will
spread. And that's how we slowly but
surely fix the world, little by little.
Yes I agree 100% and try and be that person that is there for
others that might be struggling because at the end of the day.
You know, that's sometimes what little tiny thing a person
needs, you know, that maybe might change their their whole
thing, like if they were suicidal or whatever that day.
I mean, we can't just say Oh well, they're degenerate of
society or oh, they don't matter or oh, that's a deadbeat dad or
whatever. You don't know, you don't know
what they went through, etcetera.
Like we don't have to know to be human.
Get back to being human, you know?
Stop and stop with this whole male bashing and drives me
insane. Like, that really gets to me
because men are supposed to be men and they're not supposed to
think like us, but they're not sorry.
They don't understand us either. Well, I'm kind of a guy.
Most guys do understand me. In my brain, I'm like, yeah, I
get it. But like, I get that there's
other people that are different. So that's my soapbox on that.
Definitely let them be part of their children's life.
That hurts everybody. Whether mom or dad, doesn't
matter. Don't hurt your kids.
So that's all me. I don't know any other last
words for you. Just like I said, ELE everyone
love everyone. Yes, let's be.
That let's be the change. Be the change.
All right. Well, this has been wonderful.
Thank you so much for talking to me tonight.
I think that's when a good way. I think that's when.
Where it was supposed to come. Yeah, I love it.
All right, well, I won't take up your whole night and I know it's
probably getting late where you are, so we'll cut off there and
then tell the next time and want to plug all your things, all
your socials, all your good stuff so they know where to find
you? Kill the mockingbirds.com, you
can find everything. All our socials, our podcast, we
have a disinformation section where we actually put up
material, different papers, studies, things that we think
are important for people to read on to.
Go check out the Birch. And don't forget to check out
the music. Sean, Chris SEANCHRIS on all
music streaming platforms. Awesome.
Definitely. I follow those, so I can attest.
Go check them out. You're going to like it.
And I really appreciate you coming on tonight.
Thank you again. All right.
Thanks so much.