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Well, I am, I'm, I'm going to 
try and, and get through some of

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this a little bit quicker than I
normally do. 

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I've got a, I've got a different
way of closing out the, the 

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sermon today, but I'm excited 
about it. 

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In the meantime, you can turn to
John, chapter 13 today. 

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I want to talk about the Super 
Bowl. 

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I'm just kidding. 
That was last week. 

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I do want to thank you for 
coming back. 

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I expected to get a lot of 
difficult messages. 

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I only got a couple. 
A lot of you were very 

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encouraging and I appreciate it.
I just tell you from the bottom 

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of my heart, I care about things
like politics. 

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I care about things like 
science. 

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I care about all sorts of 
societal issues. 

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I just am not ashamed that what 
I care about the most is the 

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Lord. 
And I wish I could tell you that

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everything that is important to 
Him is what is most important to

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me. 
But it's more and more all the 

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time. 
It's a journey. 

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We talk about the love of God 
and a lot of times, and we'll 

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talk about a little bit more in 
a moment, but the way that God 

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loves is not natural to you and 
I, and so it has to be something

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we continue to pursue. 
How many of you know what 

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confirmation bias is though? 
Well, confirmation bias, whether

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you realize it or not, is 
something we all have. 

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And it is the tendency to 
interpret new information in a 

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way that confirms what we 
already believe. 

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And So what that means is if we 
already trust someone and we 

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hear something negative about 
them, we slow down and we look 

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for context. 
But if we don't like them, then 

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we believe it quickly. 
Like, if I don't like Jay 

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because I just think Jay's a 
jerk, right? 

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Yeah. 
Boo, Jay. 

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I'm just just kidding. 
And then somebody comes to me 

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and says, you know what? 
Jay said something that really 

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hurt my feelings, My immediate 
reaction, And yours, too, if 

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you're honest, is normally 
something like this. 

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That makes a lot of sense 
because, you know, I've had 

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problems with them too. 
Yeah, but. 

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But what we don't normally say 
is, well, I know I've had my 

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problems with them, but Are you 
sure? 

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No, our confirmation bias says, 
well, I already had problems, so

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I'm sure what you're saying is 
true, but the reverse is true, 

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too. 
So if you were to come to me and

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say I have a problem with Jay, 
but I love Jay, and truthfully, 

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I'm somewhere in between. 
So then because I already have 

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positive experiences, I say, oh,
well, that can't be true. 

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You don't know him like I do and
all of this. 

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But here's the reality. 
There's not one person in this 

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room who's not hurt somebody or 
done something real crummy to 

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another human being. 
And there's not one person in 

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here who hasn't done something 
that's really been incredible 

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and helped somebody before. 
It's so hard to be impartial, 

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isn't it? 
And that's why a lot of times 

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when you hear about somebody 
who's committed a crime or 

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something, we're like Burnham, 
you know, like we immediately 

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it's, it's our, it's, it's our 
bias that speaks there. 

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And then when it's somebody that
we know and we know more the 

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details, we're like, well, there
need to be consequences, but 

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let's be wise. 
Do you understand why it is so 

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good that God is the judge of 
this universe and we're not. 

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He is the only one who can do it
without any bias. 

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Well, why do I talk about 
confirmation bias? 

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Here's why. 
This is our last message in the 

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relationship series. 
And confirmation bias doesn't 

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00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,520
just inform the way that you 
process headlines or social 

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00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,200
media. 
It also influences the way that 

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you process relationships. 
When your affection for somebody

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and, and just so you don't hear 
this the wrong way, that can be 

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romantic or family, love or 
friend. 

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When your affection for somebody
is strong, you're very quick to 

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give grace. 
When your affection is cooled 

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off, you're quick to assume 
their motives. 

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And when love is expressed on a 
regular basis, you can interpret

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things in a in a very generous 
and healthy way. 

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But when love has been withheld,
we interpret actions as 

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suspicion. 
And so today we're going to talk

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about what it means to withhold 
love from one another. 

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Normally it's not something that
happens immediately. 

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It's something that happens 
because things got difficult. 

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And so we don't share 
encouragement that we used to. 

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We don't give affirmation, we 
withhold them from people, and 

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we postpone reconciliation for a
time that is better. 

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We say I'm not ready. 
A lot of times we'll convince 

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ourselves that we're simply 
being cautious or guarded or 

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wise. 
But slowly, over time, distance 

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replaces any desire to be close 
again. 

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Over the last few weeks, we've 
been walking through this 

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00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,760
relationship series. 
It's called Stop in the Name of 

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Love. 
And if a song went in your head,

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00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:29,560
you are older, it's OK, I'm with
you. 

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00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,360
I just completed another trip 
around the sun. 

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00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,000
But we're talking about the 
things that we have to stop in 

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order to have a healthy 
relationship. 

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00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,920
And so the very first week we 
talked about not having knee 

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jerk reactions, to stop reacting
to things and instead be 

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00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,080
proactive. 
And a lot of times, relational 

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00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,600
damage doesn't happen 
intentionally happens because we

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00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:53,640
reacted before we had time to 
think or pray and we wish we had

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slowed down. 
But once something is said and 

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00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,600
it's out there, it's hard to put
it back. 

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By hard to put it back, I mean 
impossible. 

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The second week we talked about 
this. 

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We talked about not keeping 
score, which come to find out 

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nobody here struggles with. 
We talked about the secret 

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00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,600
ledgers that we all keep in our 
hearts, which make it impossible

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to forgive freely. 
Because we can remember all the 

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things that we've done in the 
positive column, but we remember

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00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,680
all the negative things they did
in the negative column. 

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And last week we looked at the 
tendency to try and fix 

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everyone, actually, especially 
the ones that we love the most. 

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Isn't that crazy? 
God loves us so much that he 

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gives us so much free will that 
we could walk out of his hand. 

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We could walk out of his Kingdom
if we chose to. 

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But we love people enough that 
we're like, I will fix every 

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single thing that is wrong in 
this scenario and you'll thank 

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00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,880
me later. 
They normally don't. 

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Isn't that weird? 
We saw how easy it is to cross 

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the line from helping people 
that we love into controlling 

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them. 
And so we talked about how our 

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00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,880
job is to plant and water, but 
it's God's job to make the seed 

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grow. 
And if you trace those three 

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things that we talked about 
together, you can see a pattern.

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When we react, we wound people, 
and when we keep score, we 

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distance ourselves from them. 
And when we try to fix them, we 

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00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,520
control. 
And then they want distance from

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00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,840
us because they're wounded. 
How about that? 

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00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,120
And so after enough reacting and
enough enough score keeping and 

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00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,320
enough controlling, something 
else will begin to happen. 

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Because now it's just been a 
pile of issues, hasn't it? 

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We start having distance and 
withholding love. 

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It's a punishment that we don't 
even intend to dish out, but it 

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still happens. 
And because it does, we don't 

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often even notice it when it 
happens from us because, again, 

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00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,480
it's slow. 
That's why this final message is

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00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,960
what's going to tie all of it 
together. 

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Sometimes the greatest regret 
that we have in our 

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relationships is not loving too 
much. 

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00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,280
You never heard that. 
Like, if there's guilty of one 

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00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,880
thing, if I'm guilty of one 
thing, it's just that I care too

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00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:48,280
much. 
Normally that's not the issue. 

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00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,680
Normally it's loving too late, 
so we need to look at what this 

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00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,160
actually looks like. 
And in John 13 we see a great 

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picture of it. 
It says before the Passover 

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celebration, Jesus knew that his
hour had come to leave this 

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00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,880
world and return to his Father. 
He had loved his disciples 

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during his ministry on earth, 
and now he loved them to the 

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very end. 
Isn't that sentence interesting?

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00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,000
We'll circle back to in a 
moment. 

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00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,640
But how interesting is that? 
He loved his disciples very 

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00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:18,720
much, and now he loved them to 
the very end because we just 

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00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,200
talked about they didn't do a 
great job at the very end, did 

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00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,960
they? 
He still loved him. 

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00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,360
It was time for supper, and the 
devil had already prompted 

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00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,760
Judas, son of Simon Iscariot, to
betray Jesus. 

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00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,160
And Jesus knew that the Father 
had given him authority over 

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00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,320
everything and that he had come 
from God and would return to 

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00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,880
God. 
We would never word it this way,

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00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,680
but sometimes we like to play 
God, don't we? 

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00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,160
We look at that. 
We're like, well, I think if I 

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00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,440
were Jesus, I think what I would
have done it just said that he 

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00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,040
gave him authority over 
everything. 

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00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,360
So couldn't he have said I'm 
going to rebuke the devil for 

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you, Judas? 
You don't understand how bad it 

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00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,960
was about to get, but I just did
you a solid and then they lived 

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happily ever after free will. 
He won't control you. 

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00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,520
And so verse four, he got up 
from the table, took off his 

168
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:10,160
robe, wrapped a towel around his
waist and poured water into a 

169
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,600
basin. 
And then he began to wash the 

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00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,240
disciples feet, drying them with
the towel he had around him. 

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00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,880
And Jesus came to Simon Peter 
and Peter said to him, Lord, are

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00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:24,240
you going to wash my feet? 
And Jesus replied, you don't 

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00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,400
understand now what I'm doing, 
but someday you will. 

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00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,120
You would think that should be 
enough for Peter, top disciple. 

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00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:35,159
Oh, OK, well I trust you. 
No, Peter protested, You will 

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00:08:35,159 --> 00:08:38,159
never wash my feet. 
And Jesus said, well, unless I 

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00:08:38,159 --> 00:08:39,679
wash you, you won't belong to 
me. 

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00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:44,400
Now here's Peter. 
Then wash my hands and my head 

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00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:49,120
as well, Lord, not just my feet.
He was all in when he believed 

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00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,560
in something. 
So Jesus said a person who's 

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00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:55,280
bathed all over does not need to
wash except for the feet to be 

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00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,160
entirely clean. 
I love it. 

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00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,120
Jesus doesn't even rebuke him 
right there. 

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00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,840
He's just like, I'm not, I'm not
going to give you a sponge bath.

185
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:08,640
You're don't make it weird, 
Pete, but the feet had to be 

186
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:09,320
washed. 
Why? 

187
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:12,960
Because they had these open toed
sandals that they were wearing. 

188
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,400
They walked a lot of places. 
The roads were dusty. 

189
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:19,680
Foot hygiene was very important.
And it was very important 

190
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:24,800
because you needed it in order 
to walk around, right? 

191
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,760
So he says this. 
He says you disciples are clean,

192
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:34,280
but not all of you. 
I love it, for Jesus knew who 

193
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,640
would betray him, and that's 
what he meant when he said, not 

194
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,440
all of you are clean. 
Verse 12 after washing their 

195
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,920
feet, he put on his robe again 
and he sat down and asked, do 

196
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:45,600
you understand what I was doing?
You call me teacher and Lord, 

197
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,640
and you're right because that's 
what I am. 

198
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,400
And since I, your Lord and 
teacher, have washed your feet, 

199
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,280
you ought to wash each other's 
feet. 

200
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,640
It's just one random question. 
Anybody here read through the 

201
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,960
Bible before? 
When do they wash each other's 

202
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,720
feet? 
When is that document in 

203
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:02,360
Scripture? 
Anybody remember the chapter? 

204
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,520
I don't think it is. 
I'm not saying they didn't do 

205
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:13,120
it, just interesting. 
He's like, since I did it, you 

206
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:16,120
should do it. 
He said I'd given you an example

207
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,160
to follow. 
Do as I have done to you. 

208
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,600
I tell you the truth. 
Slaves are not greater than 

209
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,320
their master, nor is the 
messenger more important than 

210
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,240
the one who sends the message. 
Now that you know these things, 

211
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,640
God will bless you for doing 
them. 

212
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:29,800
Now here's what's interesting 
about this too. 

213
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,360
When he's saying slaves are not 
greater than their masters, he's

214
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,200
already given them a caution and
a warning. 

215
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,040
What he's telling them is you're
going to be tempted to do things

216
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,440
your own way and say look at the
beautiful example of Jesus, but 

217
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,520
this is not what Jesus is 
calling me to do. 

218
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,840
And he's saying you are not too 
good to do what I just did. 

219
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:53,160
Now I remember one time, I'm 
sure there will be a couple guys

220
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,920
here that'll remember this. 
There was a men's retreat. 

221
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,560
We had a special guest speaker 
and he was a longtime friend of 

222
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,680
Pastor Tom, who was leading this
church at the time. 

223
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,080
Anybody here remember when he 
was there? 

224
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,600
And he and we, we did a foot 
washing, right? 

225
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,960
Man, I was in such a conflicted 
place. 

226
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,040
It was so hard because I'm the 
associate pastor. 

227
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And so this guest speaker comes 
to me and says, hey, Pastor Tom 

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doesn't know that we're doing 
this, but I want you to find a 

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00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,680
basin. 
And we're all going to wash his 

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feet. 
And I said, will he be? 

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Will he be OK with it? 
And he said, oh, he'll be fine. 

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He said are you OK with it? 
I know what to answer. 

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I'll go find a base and I'll be 
right back. 

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And I did. 
I went and I found one and 

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00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:46,000
Pastor Tom cried during it. 
If you've ever taken part in a 

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foot washing, it's humbling. 
It is humbling to be the one 

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that is receiving it. 
And I'll be honest with you, my 

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00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,160
foot washing was twice. 
I cup the water and kind of 

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00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:57,200
poured it, and then I went. 
I went and I sat back down. 

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00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,000
I didn't really know what I was 
doing, had no experience doing 

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00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:04,000
that. 
But here's why that moment still

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to this day doesn't really sit 
right with me. 

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00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:09,040
And Pastor Tom and I, we've 
talked about a couple times, it 

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was sort of mandated. 
Jesus willingly decided to wash 

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the feet of the disciples he was
with. 

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00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,800
And in this case, we had 
somebody say, here's what we're 

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going to do. 
And what you ended up then with 

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00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:25,160
is peer pressure. 
OK, Now, I don't have a foot 

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00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,640
washing illustration this 
morning. 

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00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,480
But if I did, here's the 
reality. 

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Some people would come up here 
and do it and hate doing it, but

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00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,520
they wouldn't want to seem like 
they're less spiritual and they 

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00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,400
would try to do it. 
There are whole denominations 

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00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,920
that make a ritual out of foot 
washing. 

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00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,160
Because he says, now that you've
seen me do it, you should also 

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00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,480
wash each other's feet. 
And they take it very seriously.

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00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:47,200
And they say, OK, well, we'll 
get baptized, we'll take 

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00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,600
communion, and we'll wash each 
other's feet the same. 

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00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,520
That kind of church, guys. 
You're welcome. 

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00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,440
But here's what he's getting at.
Don't feel like you're too good 

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00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,480
to do something that benefits 
somebody else. 

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00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:05,040
Again, remember, foot washing 
was something that was needed. 

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It was basic hygiene. 
It was something that you needed

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00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,400
because if your feet fell apart,
you could no longer travel. 

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00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,400
You weren't hopping in a car. 
There was no cart system. 

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00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,360
There was no bus system that was
going to come. 

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00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:19,360
You weren't going to get an Uber
to take you somewhere without 

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00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,680
feet. 
It's even hard to hop up on a 

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00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:24,600
donkey or a horse. 
He said, I want you to take care

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00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:28,200
of one another. 
The way you live matters to me, 

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00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,040
and I want the way that you live
to matter to one another too. 

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And I also want you to think 
about this. 

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00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,600
So we just talked about this. 
It said having loving them, he 

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loved them to the very end. 
You remember what we just talked

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00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,240
about? 
Jesus knew what was coming. 

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00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:43,920
A lot of times I've heard this 
preached and I've heard it 

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00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:45,720
preached in the way of like 
Judas, right? 

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00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,800
Jesus knew Judas was going to 
betray him and he still chose to

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00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:52,440
wash his feet. 
That's true, but he also knew 

280
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:53,960
that Peter was going to deny 
him. 

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00:13:54,160 --> 00:14:01,360
He also knew that John, the one 
that Jesus loved, was probably 

282
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:02,840
going to write some things that 
were going to be less than 

283
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:06,440
flattering about Peter. 
He knew all of these things that

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00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,400
were going to happen. 
He knew his disciples were going

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00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,040
to scatter. 
He knew Thomas was going to 

286
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,840
doubt, and he loved them to the 
very end. 

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00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,680
He didn't even go out of his way
and say, OK, let's talk about 

288
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:19,880
all of the failures that are 
coming up and how to avoid them.

289
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,240
He loved them enough to let them
walk into mistakes, walk into 

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00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,920
failures, walk into trials. 
But what was his great promise? 

291
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,240
Not in this scripture, but he 
said, remember this, I will be 

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00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:35,520
with you always, even to the end
of this age. 

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00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,280
Jesus learned how to love 
without expectation. 

294
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,880
And so I want this moment to 
force us to confront something 

295
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,000
that is uncomfortable in our own
lives about love. 

296
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,320
And maybe you've heard this 
before in Scripture. 

297
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,000
There are some different words 
used for love. 

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00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:52,920
Just as a quick review, if you 
have heard this before, there's 

299
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:56,640
Eros, which means erotic love. 
That's where you get the word 

300
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,800
erotic from that same root. 
So sexual love. 

301
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:04,080
Then there is also storgay. 
And storgay is sort of a 

302
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,440
generalized love. 
Probably the best you can get at

303
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,440
this now is, man, I love tacos 
or whatever, a general fondness 

304
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,560
or affection. 
There's also Phileo, which is a 

305
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,720
brotherly type of love. 
It's where Philadelphia gets its

306
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,680
name from. 
It's the city of brotherly love.

307
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:24,720
Unless you've been there and 
then, and then finally, I've 

308
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,080
only been in the airport, but it
was enough. 

309
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:31,520
And then you have Agape. 
There are churches named after 

310
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,000
Agape. 
Although to be honest with you, 

311
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,800
when I was a kid and I'd drive 
past them, I looked at them and 

312
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,840
I'm like, what's that? 
Agape Church, which is also a 

313
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:45,080
word Agape which is the all 
consuming, self sacrificial, 

314
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,160
humble type of love that God has
for us. 

315
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,160
And I want you to know this 
before I challenge you to 

316
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,520
challenge yourself on the way 
you love one another. 

317
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,520
God loves you without 
expectation. 

318
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:04,760
He didn't say I decided to love 
you because I'm sure that that 

319
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,920
love will move you to come and 
serve me and worship me. 

320
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,480
He didn't say I'm going to love 
you so you can start serving 

321
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:11,720
people. 
I'm going to love you because 

322
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:12,720
you're going to start a 
ministry. 

323
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,520
I'm going to love you because 
you're going to do something 

324
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:19,760
that makes me look good. 
He just said it was really fun 

325
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,920
creating you. 
You're made in my image. 

326
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,600
You're of me. 
You are from me, and I love you.

327
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:31,280
Not everybody gets into heaven, 
but it's not because of a lack 

328
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:35,160
of love, right? 
So this this is where most of us

329
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:39,440
struggle. 
Agape is a chosen commitment and

330
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:43,160
love to act for another person's
good regardless of their 

331
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,480
response. 
John 316 help me with this. 

332
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:49,160
What is it for God so loved the 
world that he gave his only 

333
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,720
begotten Son. 
For God so loved his church. 

334
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:57,440
That is is that what it said. 
He so loved the world, He gave 

335
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,800
his Son for the world. 
Not all of the world will choose

336
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:04,880
him, but for those who have, we 
now have the ability to be 

337
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,680
called sons and daughters of the
King. 

338
00:17:07,599 --> 00:17:10,920
He so loved the world with no 
expectation that the whole world

339
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,599
would come to him. 
So for us, we start by loving 

340
00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:17,079
freely and we serve people. 
And we have no problem being 

341
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:19,200
generous. 
We'll initiate conversations. 

342
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,040
How many of you you love like 
that? 

343
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,359
Getting to know you process, 
right? 

344
00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,040
Because then we get to hear 
about everything. 

345
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,520
And it's fun to learn about 
somebody and we encourage them, 

346
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,440
and we give. 
But somewhere along the way, 

347
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,360
especially when appreciation 
starts to feel absent or 

348
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,920
gratitude feels lacking, 
something shifts inside of us. 

349
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,320
And we might not say it out 
loud, but internally we reach a 

350
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:41,000
threshold that's hard to pass. 
And I want you to know before I 

351
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,360
go further because today is 
challenging. 

352
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,760
I actually cried while I was 
reading my sermon this morning, 

353
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:48,400
so hopefully I won't now. 
Got to get it out early, right? 

354
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,600
It's completely human to feel 
hurt when you feel 

355
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,560
unappreciated. 
That's normal. 

356
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,680
It's normal to desire gratitude 
in a healthy way and to value a 

357
00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,840
relationship that feels more 
natural than transactional. 

358
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:05,920
But the danger comes when 
appreciation becomes the fuel 

359
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,920
for how you express your love. 
Love is not an emotion, it's a 

360
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,360
decision. 
It's something that is to be 

361
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,520
demonstrated. 
And you can choose to love. 

362
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,800
Love is a decision. 
How many of you have heard this 

363
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,120
before? 
It's a choice. 

364
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,480
It preaches so well and it's so 
difficult to walk out. 

365
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,960
Could you imagine? 
You come home, You give your 

366
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,080
spouse these flowers. 
I thought of you today. 

367
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,760
These were beautiful. 
And because I saw something 

368
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,000
beautiful, it made me think of 
you. 

369
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:37,160
And then they said you want me 
to stick them in a cup and watch

370
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:41,880
them die for a week, throw them 
away, they go to bed. 

371
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:46,400
What do you feel was your true 
motivation? 

372
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,240
These were beautiful and they 
made me think of you because 

373
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,880
you're beautiful or was your 
true motivation. 

374
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,440
This will show her how much I 
appreciate her. 

375
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,280
And therefore I'll get some 
points, I'll get some coins, 

376
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:01,160
she'll say something nice to me.
We'll have a really nice feel 

377
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,440
good moment. 
We normally don't chase it that 

378
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,120
far in our thoughts, but we do 
think this would be nice to do 

379
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:12,520
for them and it'll be nice for 
me what you did for that person 

380
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,480
and that scenario which has not 
happened in my house. 

381
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:19,200
Just want to be clear, what you 
do for that person and that 

382
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:23,360
scenario has nothing to do 
should be completely detached 

383
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,240
from how they react. 
Now there's something to be said

384
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,760
about being rude and I'm not 
saying it's OK to do whatever 

385
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:33,200
you want, but I am saying this. 
If you were in Jesus shoes, his 

386
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,760
sandals if you will, would you 
have done the same thing that 

387
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,080
night? 
And I'm not saying you're the 

388
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,720
savior of the world. 
I'm just saying you're their 

389
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,760
teacher and you know what's to 
come. 

390
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:50,440
Would you have done it? 
And I think the answer for every

391
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:54,400
one of us is probably not. 
I probably would have chosen 

392
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,520
something else. 
I'm not even saying you hate the

393
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,200
idea of what happened, but you 
would choose something else. 

394
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,960
Jesus could have withdrawn from 
them. 

395
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,000
He could have said, hey, you 
know what? 

396
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,360
I'm pulling in Noah. 
I'm starting over again. 

397
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,800
New disciples. 
Let me get a new 12. 

398
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:17,080
What would he have done if he 
was us? 

399
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,800
He could have folded his arms 
and he could have let things get

400
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,360
a little more stressful there. 
He could have distanced himself 

401
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:26,440
emotionally from Judas. 
That sounds like it'd be healthy

402
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,080
to do today's culture, doesn't 
it? 

403
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,600
He could have reserved all of 
his emotional availability for 

404
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,480
the disciples who would remain 
faithful. 

405
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:37,480
Instead, you know what he did? 
He knelt down in front of them. 

406
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,120
Agape love does not wait for the
person to deserve it. 

407
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,600
It would be waiting forever. 
And since agape love is the kind

408
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,320
of love that God has, let me ask
you, aren't you glad that God 

409
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,960
didn't wait to lavish His love 
upon you once you deserved it 

410
00:20:56,520 --> 00:21:00,880
because you still wouldn't have 
it today, and neither would I. 

411
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,000
So that's what we're learning in
the final week of the series is 

412
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:08,040
how to stop withholding love. 
If we allow God to change us and

413
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,080
we ask Him to change the way we 
love other people. 

414
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:14,760
I can't give you a method that 
won't hurt, but I can give you a

415
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:18,920
method that if you follow it 
through, it will help you not 

416
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:23,360
take things so personally. 
The first thing that we'll talk 

417
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,240
about is just that withheld love
hardens. 

418
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:29,560
I, I posted a, a video about 
this at one point, but just as a

419
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,120
brief recap, as you read through
the story of Exodus, half the 

420
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,400
time it says Pharaoh hardened 
his own heart. 

421
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,880
Half the time it said that God 
hardened Pharaoh's heart. 

422
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,040
Because you look at it and 
you're like, man, look at all 

423
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,080
these plagues. 
Why wouldn't Pharaoh just let 

424
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:43,160
them go? 
Obviously something supernatural

425
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,680
is happening here. 
You guys get out, do what you 

426
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,920
got to do and come back. 
Pharaoh was not made of the kind

427
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:53,360
of stuff that was going to be 
readily adapted and molded by 

428
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,360
the love of God. 
And because of that, it 

429
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:58,520
continually was hardened. 
So what's the answer? 

430
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,560
Did God harden his heart or did 
he harden his own heart? 

431
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,680
And the reality is he wouldn't 
allow his heart to be made of 

432
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,160
anything else. 
So God's very presence, very 

433
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,680
provision hardened his heart 
because he was already decided 

434
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,400
to be against him. 
You can turn to Second Samuel 

435
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,680
14. 
We're going to talk about a 

436
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:18,800
family that's pretty messed up. 
Second Samuel Chapter 14. 

437
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,920
But I want to try to speak to 
where a lot of us are sitting 

438
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,640
today and that's this. 
A lot of us, we really just 

439
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,920
crave safety. 
We want to be in a good 

440
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,560
neighborhood. 
We want to know that the family 

441
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,800
dynamics are good. 
We want to know our relationship

442
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,240
will be good. 
And so when conflict hits, 

443
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:37,160
betrayal wounds us and 
disappointment comes in, the 

444
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:40,640
instinct that we have is rarely 
to move closer to somebody who 

445
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,560
has hurt us. 
We move away and we convince 

446
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,280
ourselves that we're simply 
giving space. 

447
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,080
Sometimes we'll even tell 
ourselves that we're being wise.

448
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,560
But a lot of times what feels 
like self-control is more like 

449
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,640
self protection. 
And at first it seems 

450
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,480
reasonable. 
How many of you have heard the 

451
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,200
saying or seen it on the 
Internet? 

452
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,080
If it costs you your piece, then
it's too expensive. 

453
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,880
Something like that. 
That's crazy, man, because I, I 

454
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,640
can't find that scripture, but I
do read this one that says in 

455
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,120
this world you will have 
trouble. 

456
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:13,200
And so sentiments like this, 
they make sense. 

457
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,480
But again, we're talking about 
how to have healthy 

458
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:17,920
conversations with the people 
that matter the most to us. 

459
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:20,880
And you cannot be equally 
intimate and close to everybody 

460
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:24,680
that you know. 
Silence can feel safer than 

461
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,760
confrontation. 
Indecision sometimes can feel 

462
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,800
safer than risking a hard talk 
because you don't know how it's 

463
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,480
going to go. 
So when we begin to pull back in

464
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,680
subtle ways, the whole time 
we're not realizing that we're 

465
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,400
actually making whatever the 
original problem was worse. 

466
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:41,840
So we become less expressive and
less vulnerable and less 

467
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,320
intentional. 
And we tell ourselves we're 

468
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,560
being mature, but we're actually
just disengaging because it's 

469
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,440
hard. 
So the problem is that what 

470
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:51,240
begins with self protection 
rarely stays that way. 

471
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:55,320
It always morphs into a fun word
that we will call apathy. 

472
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:01,320
Apathy is the supposed absence 
of any sort of emotion. 

473
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,840
Happy, pleased or displeased, 
any of it. 

474
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:07,360
Apathy is not usually something 
that presents as dramatic. 

475
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:09,600
Wouldn't be very apathetic then,
would it? 

476
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,800
It doesn't really project your 
emotions to everybody. 

477
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:17,640
It it just makes you comfortable
with distance and it trains your

478
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,200
heart to tolerate disconnection.
Over time, you'll stop noticing 

479
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:24,480
the gap. 
And the principle of, of, of 

480
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:26,600
this can be life giving in 
certain areas. 

481
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,320
So when someone is breaking free
from addiction or growing 

482
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:32,680
distant from a destructive 
habit, it's necessary to put 

483
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,000
distance between certain places,
locations, things like that. 

484
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,080
When a person is abusive, 
detachment can be wise and there

485
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,280
are a lot of moments where 
distance is part of the healing 

486
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,320
process. 
But you are wired for 

487
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:50,000
relationships and you might say 
like, well, you're an extrovert,

488
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,200
I'm an introvert. 
I said what I said, if you are 

489
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,160
made in the image of God, you're
wired for relationships. 

490
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:56,840
Could be different, could be a 
different amount, could be 

491
00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:00,040
different kinds, but you are 
wired for relationships. 

492
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:04,840
Don't let the bad ones make you 
lose the benefits of the good 

493
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:06,520
ones that God has laid out there
for you. 

494
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,840
If you become comfortable and 
growing distant from your 

495
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,720
spouse, for example, eventually 
you'll find yourself emotionally

496
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:15,840
detached. 
If you find you, you grow 

497
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:19,120
comfortable with distance from 
your children, well, eventually 

498
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,840
you're going to end up handing 
their spiritual growth and 

499
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,400
maturity or life instructions 
over to someone else without 

500
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,520
even realizing it. 
And if you allow friendships 

501
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,520
that once carried weight in your
life to drift without any 

502
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,680
effort, then one day you'll wake
up and realize you stopped 

503
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,560
fighting for it a long time ago 
and you don't really need them 

504
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,200
without love does not preserve 
relationships. 

505
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,240
It just hardens a heart. 
So David, who we're going to 

506
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,480
talk about, is known as a man 
after God's own heart. 

507
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:48,480
He was courageous in battle, 
tender in worship, and poetic in

508
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,320
his devotion. 
And in case you're curious, the 

509
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:52,800
story we're about to share is 
not going to be in the kids 

510
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,320
movie that we're showing in 
April. 

511
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,760
Not really appropriate, right? 
That'll be later on. 

512
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:02,120
They should do a Netflix series 
on this one or something. 

513
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:06,320
But Scripture is also very 
honest about David. 

514
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,920
But before we talk about this, 
let me just tell you this 

515
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,040
spiritual depth does not 
automatically translate into 

516
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:17,520
relational health. 
David clearly knew the Lord well

517
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:21,880
and clearly had no clue how to 
manage his family. 

518
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,120
If you are a fan of theological 
writings, if you've ever heard 

519
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:28,360
of AW Tozer, he has some of the 
most intimate writings about the

520
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:31,040
Holy Spirit and knowing God that
I've ever read. 

521
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:36,720
And both his spouse and his kids
after he was gone, said he 

522
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:38,280
didn't really know us. 
He didn't really spend time with

523
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,240
us. 
You can have a great 

524
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,120
relationship with God and not 
know how to manage a family. 

525
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,080
So I'm going to summarize this 
very uncomfortable scenario. 

526
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,440
We'll be in second Samuel 14 in 
a moment and we'll hop around a 

527
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,560
few scriptures, but let me give 
you a little back story. 

528
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,760
In the in the chapter previous 
to that 13, he has an oldest son

529
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:01,280
named Amnon and Amnon assaulted 
his half sister Tamar. 

530
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,000
I know, I know. 
I'm surprised that they've not 

531
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,120
actually put all of this, you 
know, into some sort of 

532
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:10,440
cinematic thing before because 
they tend to love things that 

533
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:15,120
are very awful like this. 
It actually says that Amnon 

534
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:18,560
desired Tamar so much he he 
created a trick to bring her 

535
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,000
into his bedroom. 
And after he had assaulted her, 

536
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,080
it says he hated her with more 
passion after than he had for 

537
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,640
her when he desired her. 
It's pretty awful. 

538
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:31,280
So because of this, what do you 
think happens to Amnon? 

539
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,400
Nothing. 
The injustice of this act was 

540
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,360
horrific. 
And so Tamar's full brother, a 

541
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:44,240
man named Absalom, is devastated
and furious. 

542
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,400
And can you blame him? 
I can't blame him for it. 

543
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,400
The Bible tells us that David 
was angry when he heard what 

544
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,640
happened, but he didn't 
discipline Amnon for what he 

545
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:56,520
did. 
He didn't step up decisively 

546
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,040
into the chaos of his own 
family. 

547
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,200
And so that silence ended up 
creating space for bitterness to

548
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,520
take root. 
And so as the family starts to 

549
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,400
divide, David can't even see 
that his own inaction towards 

550
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:08,600
the situation caused the rifts 
that are now growing. 

551
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:12,760
And eventually, Absalom tricks 
Amnon into a scenario where 

552
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:16,520
Absalom kills his older brother 
and then he flees the scene. 

553
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:19,840
Does David send anybody to go 
get Absalom? 

554
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,760
No. 
So now one of his sons has been 

555
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:26,280
murdered by another one. 
The one that did the murdering 

556
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:29,400
is now gone, and three years 
have passed. 

557
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:35,440
Three years now we arrive at 
second Samuel 14 verse. 

558
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:39,400
First verse. 
Joab realized how much the king 

559
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:42,440
longed to see Absalom. 
That's all I'm reading right 

560
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:44,800
now. 
What's interesting about that? 

561
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,600
It's not the David didn't care. 
David did care about his son 

562
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:50,800
Absalom. 
You read the same scripture I 

563
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,040
did. 
He longed to see him. 

564
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:57,640
You don't say. 
You long for endless pastables 

565
00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:00,320
from Olive Garden. 
You don't say that. 

566
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:02,720
You long for the series 
premiere. 

567
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,560
We could do some counseling. 
It's going to be OK of 

568
00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:08,880
something. 
Longing for something. 

569
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:11,760
It's totally different. 
And I want you to notice the 

570
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:15,000
tension here. 
He was not indifferent to his 

571
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,520
relationship with his son, but 
he was unwilling to do anything 

572
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:19,280
about it. 
He missed his son. 

573
00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:22,640
How could he not miss his kids? 
He's now got less kids than he 

574
00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:24,640
had before. 
He's watching his kids fracture 

575
00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:26,800
and splinter. 
But longing for something 

576
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:28,880
without any movement still 
doesn't repair what's broken. 

577
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,280
So Joab arranges for a wise 
woman to tell David a parable. 

578
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:34,320
Because parables are the way to 
get David, apparently. 

579
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,320
And in this parable, it exposes 
his own inconsistency. 

580
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,880
So eventually David agrees to 
bring Absalom back home to 

581
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:43,600
Jerusalem. 
Yay, we happy for David and his 

582
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:46,280
family. 
You don't sound happy. 

583
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:52,640
Go down to verse 24. 
So the king gave this order. 

584
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:56,760
Absalom may go to his own house,
but he must never come into my 

585
00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:01,000
presence. 
So Absalom did not see the king.

586
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:04,680
Well, sure, he can be back in 
the family, but he can't be in 

587
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:10,360
relationship with me. 
So now Absalom is home, but he's

588
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:13,760
not welcomed. 
He's restored geographically, 

589
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:16,960
but not relationally. 
Now he lives in the same city as

590
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:20,080
his father and can't see him. 
Wouldn't you think that's almost

591
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:25,520
worse? 
So that's about as clear a 

592
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:27,640
picture of what withheld love 
looks like to me. 

593
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,200
If I could possibly find one in 
the Bible that was better than 

594
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,280
that, I would have used it. 
But proximity to somebody 

595
00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:35,080
without intimacy does not grow 
you. 

596
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,360
And so it's already been three 
years. 

597
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:41,040
And according to the Bible, two 
more years pass now, a total of 

598
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:43,200
five years since the incidents 
happened. 

599
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:47,040
No conversation between David 
and his son, no intentional 

600
00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:49,560
reconciliation. 
So what's the distance do? 

601
00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:52,880
It hardens a heart. 
And I want to try to give a 

602
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:55,200
benefit of the doubt here. 
David might have believed he was

603
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:58,440
preserving authority. 
Maybe he was saying, look, I'm 

604
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,120
the king. 
I've got an example to set. 

605
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:02,520
I can't be seen bringing him in 
after what he did. 

606
00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:05,440
They probably already think I've
shown him favoritism or who 

607
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:06,880
knows? 
I mean, David was not known for 

608
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:08,760
doing the best of decisions when
it came to women. 

609
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:11,080
So maybe he thought, who am I to
judge? 

610
00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:16,200
Well, you're the king. 
But Absalom's resentment started

611
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:17,560
to grow. 
So what does Absalom start 

612
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,400
doing? 
He's sitting at the city gates 

613
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:22,440
and as people are coming to talk
to David, Absalom says he's much

614
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,440
too busy for you. 
I can fix this problem for you. 

615
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:29,680
The Bible says he actually stole
the hearts of the people. 

616
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,160
So Absalom's resentment 
continues to grow and eventually

617
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:36,560
it becomes full blown rebellion.
He says you know what, I should 

618
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:38,720
be the king anyway. 
David doesn't do anything. 

619
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:40,320
He doesn't know how to lead this
nation. 

620
00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:44,400
I'll take it from here. 
And this rebellion has followers

621
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:46,400
because you know what? 
Everybody likes a decisive 

622
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:48,560
leader. 
So Absalom has some people that 

623
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,120
come with him. 
David is unwilling to fight his 

624
00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:52,360
son. 
He's already traumatized. 

625
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:54,560
He's already been through it 
when it comes to his own family.

626
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:58,160
So David just passively leaves 
the palace and wanders away. 

627
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:00,680
At one point, people ask him, 
David, aren't you going to fight

628
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,240
back? 
And he said, maybe God's done 

629
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:05,000
with me. 
Maybe he's moved me on to the 

630
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,520
next mission. 
If God wants me in there, he'll 

631
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:09,040
put me there. 
But if he wants me out, he'll 

632
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,720
remove me. 
He's not even taking that part 

633
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,200
personally. 
So there's still a good lesson 

634
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:15,920
there from David. 
David goes off into the 

635
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:20,800
wilderness, but Absalom decides 
to pursue him into the wild. 

636
00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:23,080
It's not enough for him to take 
over the palace and take over 

637
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:26,720
David's women and all of this. 
He now decides he's going to 

638
00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:28,600
pursue him into the wilderness 
and he's going to kill him. 

639
00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:31,160
But that's not what happens. 
David's not killed. 

640
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:34,240
Absalom is killed. 
He ends up hanging from a tree 

641
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:40,520
and stabbed through the middle. 
And in second Samuel 18 verse 

642
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:45,320
33, when David gets the news, 
says the king was overcome with 

643
00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:48,760
emotion. 
He went up to the room over the 

644
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:52,280
gateway and burst into tears. 
And as he went, he cried. 

645
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:56,320
Oh my son Absalom, my son, my 
son Absalom, if only I had died 

646
00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:59,240
instead of you. 
Oh Absalom, my son, my son. 

647
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:02,040
Now here's the thing, we've all 
experienced loss before. 

648
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:05,480
I never thought about this until
this message. 

649
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:09,880
What could have changed if 
Absalom could have heard David 

650
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:15,000
say that earlier? 
By the time David does express 

651
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,480
the depth of his love, it's too 
late to repair the relationship 

652
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:19,120
and it's too late for his son to
even hear it. 

653
00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:24,240
So without love did not protect 
David, it didn't preserve his 

654
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,080
family. 
It multiplied the pain. 

655
00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:30,600
And the tragedy is not just that
Absalom rebelled, it's the years

656
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:34,640
of inaction that preceded it. 
Love that's left unexpressed 

657
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:37,240
does not remain neutral. 
You don't really get to catch 

658
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,040
up. 
Whenever somebody tells me, hey,

659
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:41,360
I'm three months behind on my 
Bible reading plan, but I'm 

660
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:44,200
reading like 5 days every day, 
I'm always like, don't do that. 

661
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:47,640
You're not going to absorb it 
just getting the word today. 

662
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:50,200
There's some things you just 
can't get caught up on, but you 

663
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:53,280
can start fresh. 
What's today's Bible reading, 

664
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:57,160
right? 
If we're not intentional about 

665
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,560
moving toward the people that 
God has entrusted to us, our 

666
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:01,280
natural drift will always be a 
way. 

667
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,280
And once distance becomes 
normal, detachment no longer 

668
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:05,960
feels dramatic. 
It just feels natural. 

669
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,880
I'm going to ask for Michael and
Heather Fort to come up here on 

670
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:14,920
the stage. 
I have something for you guys. 

671
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:19,360
You excited? 
Good, good. 

672
00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:25,520
Look at these backpacks. 
So I'm going to, let's see. 

673
00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:27,800
This one's a little smaller. 
Would you open it just so it's 

674
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,639
it's open at the top, but not 
like all the way. 

675
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:33,440
I'll do the same thing here. 
All right. 

676
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:35,320
There we go. 
That one's a little bit smaller 

677
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:36,800
than this one, so you can have 
that. 

678
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:38,880
I don't want to stress you out. 
Here you go. 

679
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,840
You're welcome. 
Yeah. 

680
00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:44,320
Yeah. 
No, I'm worried about you, man. 

681
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:47,719
I care. 
Here's what's great. 

682
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:49,320
These are my are. 
Are these cool? 

683
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:50,520
These are like adjustable 
weights. 

684
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:53,400
They go up to 25, but you can 
also put them at A5. 

685
00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:57,560
You just twist them, Right? 
So I think that's what we're 

686
00:34:57,560 --> 00:35:05,120
going to do here. 
Now, a couple weeks ago, we did 

687
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:07,160
something with let's come over 
here into the light. 

688
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:13,000
We did something, had another 
couple up here. 

689
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,000
We saw that wall grow between 
them. 

690
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:19,760
But here's the reality. 
First of all, just to confirm 

691
00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:21,920
publicly, you are married, 
correct? 

692
00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:24,400
OK, great. 
Step forward. 

693
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:26,360
All right, so here's what 
happens. 

694
00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:31,080
Married people have baggage. 
Wait, wait, wait. 

695
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:33,400
I'm not done before they get 
married. 

696
00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:39,040
But what are you going to do? 
You still got it. 

697
00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:41,960
So what happens then is they've 
already got their own baggage. 

698
00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:44,560
I had my kids go and pick out 
some of my heaviest books at the

699
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,640
house and fill it up. 
So if they are heavy, you can 

700
00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:49,560
blame them. 
I do so. 

701
00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:53,240
But then something happens and 
now you have a fight and you 

702
00:35:53,240 --> 00:35:55,040
don't really know how to resolve
it, so you just leave it alone. 

703
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:57,320
So here's what happens. 
You end up dropping some weight 

704
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:01,720
in here and it gets a little bit
heavier. 

705
00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:03,600
Doesn't feel a lot different 
than what you were already 

706
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:08,080
carrying though, does it? 
No, but then, but then she says 

707
00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:09,680
something that's super passive 
aggressive. 

708
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:11,120
You don't know what it means, 
but you don't want to ask 

709
00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:12,320
because then you'll have to talk
about it. 

710
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:15,280
So you you got some extra weight
there. 

711
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:30,560
But let's see, as time goes on, 
all these small things all add 

712
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:34,080
up until it feels like there's a
big thing. 

713
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:37,400
And all of a sudden it's like, 
whoa, this came out of nowhere. 

714
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:39,280
No, no, no, it didn't come out 
of nowhere. 

715
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,480
There's been small weights that 
have been stacked for a long 

716
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:48,760
time. 
And then there we go. 

717
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,160
It's all right. 
Let me help you. 

718
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:52,360
There you go. 
You want to help me with that? 

719
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:56,120
That's great. 
Perfect. 

720
00:36:56,840 --> 00:37:00,160
Perfect. 
Now, we'll just leave it there 

721
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:04,840
for now. 
Now, who do you think, Who do 

722
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:09,920
you think has the heavier? 
Who do you think has the heavier

723
00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:10,880
bag right now? 
I still do. 

724
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:17,240
You still do see who has the 
heavier bag? 

725
00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:20,120
She does right now. 
Now, here's the deal. 

726
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:24,640
Maybe this, maybe this is 
actually something that he's 

727
00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:26,880
used to carrying. 
So here's what I want you to 

728
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,080
understand. 
You are designed to take care of

729
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:34,720
some things and do them well. 
And your spouse or your friend 

730
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:38,680
or your Co worker or whoever 
else, they're designed to carry 

731
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:40,640
other things. 
Well, here's where the danger 

732
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:42,520
comes in. 
Here's where the apathy comes 

733
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,200
in. 
What is something that you are 

734
00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:50,920
able to carry stress wise? 
Well, I think planning a little 

735
00:37:51,240 --> 00:37:53,080
bit. 
Planning whenever she tells me 

736
00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:56,840
what's going on, He said 
whenever she tells me what's 

737
00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:58,480
going on, I can handle that 
pretty well. 

738
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:03,400
OK, We're all wired to handle 
things pretty well. 

739
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:07,360
But when something hits and now 
you're both carrying baggage, 

740
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:09,520
did you see how her whole 
posture changed? 

741
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,480
Why? 
Because if it didn't, it would 

742
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:15,000
have fallen out. 
Somebody's got to carry it. 

743
00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:17,600
And if he's not going to do it, 
and if you're not going to do 

744
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:19,240
it, I've got to figure out how 
to do it. 

745
00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:20,960
Moms, right? 
So. 

746
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:23,760
So I'll carry this, right? 
I'm going to figure this out. 

747
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:30,280
Here's the problem. 
Then he says, what's the big 

748
00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:32,200
deal? 
I carry stress at work all the 

749
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:35,400
time. 
Why can't you carry it? 

750
00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,640
Well, she's already carrying 
these things. 

751
00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:40,880
What is this? 
What did they pick? 

752
00:38:41,240 --> 00:38:44,160
Oh, Atomic Habits. 
That's a good 10. 

753
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:45,760
Here's a book called Love Thy 
Body. 

754
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:51,720
Sexual healing book, right? 
Yeah. 

755
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,000
Bunch of books here. 
Here, I'll take this. 

756
00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:57,280
You've carried enough. 
You're welcome. 

757
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:02,760
But the same is true. 
There are certain things he is 

758
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:05,960
wired to carry better than you. 
And it could be easy to say, why

759
00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:07,400
don't you care about this in the
same way? 

760
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:08,640
Well, because he's not wired for
it. 

761
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:11,080
Now, the beauty of marriage is 
that you become one flesh. 

762
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:15,320
You're supposed to take each 
other's burdens under concern. 

763
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:19,520
But a lot of times what we hear 
is well, I I'll take it. 

764
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:22,440
A lot of times what we hear is 
like, well, I, I don't know, 

765
00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:25,560
I'm, I'm, I'm really good with 
finances. 

766
00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:28,400
So why can't they be as good 
with finances or I really take 

767
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,320
my fitness seriously? 
Why can't they take their 

768
00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:33,200
fitness seriously or I do this? 
So why can't they? 

769
00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:37,680
Because they are not you. 
And if that is what you wanted, 

770
00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:40,720
you should have married 
yourself, right? 

771
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:50,830
Thank you guys for helping me. 
If you start to think I can 

772
00:39:50,830 --> 00:39:54,390
carry this, why can't they? 
You're in danger because here's 

773
00:39:54,390 --> 00:39:57,240
what happens. 
You are now so distant that you 

774
00:39:57,240 --> 00:40:02,000
cannot see the struggle. 
You're not looking at them eye 

775
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:04,800
to eye, are you? 
You're just saying I carry stuff

776
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:06,560
too. 
Life is hard, suck it up. 

777
00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:12,200
There's a measure of that. 
But you stood somewhere and made

778
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:17,240
a vow to this person, Made a vow
to the Lord actually about this 

779
00:40:17,240 --> 00:40:20,920
person that for better or worse,
or something along those lines, 

780
00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,600
that you would help help them 
carry it. 

781
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:27,680
You know, what was kind of cool 
wasn't really part of it. 

782
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:29,080
I didn't know he's going to do 
that. 

783
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,480
He said let me help you pack 
that. 

784
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:34,840
And he was being silly about it.
But if you could see it from my 

785
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:37,480
angle, what he was really doing 
is making sure that it wasn't in

786
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:40,160
a way that was going to hurt you
and it wasn't in a way that was 

787
00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:42,920
going to fall out. 
That's what we're supposed to 

788
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,640
do. 
You're having trouble carrying 

789
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:47,320
that. 
I don't think you're weak. 

790
00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:49,000
I don't think you're used to 
carrying that. 

791
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,640
I've carried that before. 
Let me help you carry it. 

792
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:54,400
But you can't do that when 
you're apathetic. 

793
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:57,120
I'll start helping you carry 
that when you learn to carry it 

794
00:40:57,120 --> 00:41:00,560
for yourself. 
Does that make any sense? 

795
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:02,920
If they learn to carry it 
themself, they don't need you. 

796
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:05,800
And eventually, that's the 
decision that gets made. 

797
00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:09,520
Sometimes. 
David might have been able to 

798
00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:12,880
live with the silence in the 
family, but Absalom couldn't. 

799
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:16,200
David felt like he could 
function as long as their 

800
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:19,240
relationship looked like this. 
So for him, no big deal. 

801
00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:21,960
Sure, he misses him, sure he 
wishes things were different, 

802
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:25,320
but he could still function. 
Absalom was rotting away from 

803
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:28,960
the inside out and he caved to 
bitterness and the whole family 

804
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,040
paid for it. 
It's a nightmare scenario, isn't

805
00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:35,360
it? 
You can't judge someone for 

806
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:38,600
having a different emotional 
capacity than you, but you'll 

807
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:41,120
never learn their limitations if
you stop paying attention to 

808
00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:42,920
them. 
So pay attention to the people 

809
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:46,320
you love. 
I don't want you to let safety 

810
00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:48,720
become a stone. 
So just a couple steps that I 

811
00:41:48,720 --> 00:41:52,000
have for you here. 
If withheld love does harden 

812
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,600
hearts, we have to ask an 
uncomfortable question and it's 

813
00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:56,240
this. 
Are we becoming safer in these 

814
00:41:56,240 --> 00:41:58,440
relationships or are we becoming
colder? 

815
00:42:01,200 --> 00:42:02,960
Before I give you these steps, 
I'll just tell you there's an 

816
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:05,080
interesting cultural shift 
that's happening right now. 

817
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:06,440
I read this article that was put
out. 

818
00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:07,800
I don't know if anybody's aware 
of this guy. 

819
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:10,320
His name is Kerry, new off. 
He's a Christian leader. 

820
00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:12,680
He puts out articles, and he 
found this one written by 

821
00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:15,920
somebody else. 
Her name is Freya, India. 

822
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:18,880
And it was fascinating. 
The article was titled This 

823
00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:24,400
Therapists Are Not Parents. 
And she made the observation 

824
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:27,560
that therapists are increasingly
being asked to do what parents 

825
00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:30,800
once did. 
And what she basically says is, 

826
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:33,160
is we've always said things like
this, like, hey, you've got good

827
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:34,760
friends, your wife or whatever, 
but they can't be your 

828
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:36,560
therapist. 
They can't be the one that helps

829
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:38,080
you through everything. 
So don't treat them like your 

830
00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:40,040
therapist. 
Well, now we're seeing the 

831
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:42,640
reverse is becoming a problem 
because now people are pulling 

832
00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:44,800
on their therapists for things 
that they should go to their 

833
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:46,720
loved ones for. 
Both are wrong. 

834
00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:49,960
And so therapists are not 
designed to help you in the 

835
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:52,080
interpersonal. 
You have interpersonal people 

836
00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:54,040
for that. 
Therapists have a purpose. 

837
00:42:54,840 --> 00:42:57,040
And by the way, there are bad 
therapists out there. 

838
00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:00,360
So be wise. 
Although I'm a fan of Jesus and 

839
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:03,480
therapy and community. 
Get a good therapist. 

840
00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:06,520
Just like sometimes we have bad 
interpersonal relationships, 

841
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:08,000
sometimes they're a bad 
therapist. 

842
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:11,880
But the point is this, there's a
whole generation of people 

843
00:43:11,880 --> 00:43:14,480
coming up that never learned how
to have interpersonal 

844
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:17,840
discussions and how to have 
problem solved within the home. 

845
00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:20,960
And so they've gone to the first
place that seems safe. 

846
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,840
And whether that's an actual 
therapist or it's ChatGPT, 

847
00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:27,480
they're looking for somebody to 
look at them and say, you're not

848
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,240
wrong for feeling this way. 
I totally understand it. 

849
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:32,560
Everybody wants to feel 
affirmed, don't they? 

850
00:43:32,560 --> 00:43:34,920
And if you're not going to get 
it from a parent, you'll get it 

851
00:43:34,920 --> 00:43:38,200
from somewhere. 
Here's the problem, it's not 

852
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:41,720
just enough to be seen. 
God loves you so much that what 

853
00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:43,800
do What is the standard thing 
from the days of Billy Graham? 

854
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:47,960
Come as you are, But what do the
Christians normally follow that 

855
00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:49,600
up with? 
But he loves you too much to 

856
00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:53,640
leave you there come the way you
are, but God loves you so much 

857
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:56,200
He'll change you. 
We've got to have relationships 

858
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:59,360
that challenge us. 
And that's again not an attack 

859
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:00,800
on therapy. 
Therapy can be a gift. 

860
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:02,080
It can be redemptive and 
healing. 

861
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:04,640
But what's important to remember
is this. 

862
00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:07,320
Not every difficult relationship
is abusive. 

863
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:10,960
Not every conflict is because 
things are toxic. 

864
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:14,440
Some things are just hard. 
Some relationships are just 

865
00:44:14,440 --> 00:44:18,560
harder than others. 
Here's the thing guys, we're 

866
00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:21,040
Christians. 
We're made in the image of God, 

867
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:25,520
and we are called to do hard 
things only through His power. 

868
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:28,560
So not every relationship is 
your relationship to fix, and 

869
00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:30,360
not every problem is your 
problem to solve. 

870
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:33,600
But some of them are. 
And if you toss out every one of

871
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:35,920
the ones that feels hard, what's
your mission? 

872
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:40,920
The danger is when we look at 
apathy like it's wisdom. 

873
00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:42,600
You know what I just read in the
Bible yesterday? 

874
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:44,800
I'm going through Leviticus with
my children. 

875
00:44:48,240 --> 00:44:50,760
That means I got to go through 
Leviticus 18 with my son for the

876
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:54,480
first time. 
Forbidden sexual practices. 

877
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:58,800
That was fun. 
However, listen to this gem that

878
00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:01,040
just popped out with yesterday's
Bible reading. 

879
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:02,680
If you have the Bible reading 
plan that we're doing here, 

880
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:09,200
Leviticus 1917 says this. 
Do not nurse hatred in your 

881
00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:13,320
heart for any of your relatives.
Confront people directly so that

882
00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:15,560
you will not be held guilty for 
their sin. 

883
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:19,960
So you won't be held guilty for 
their sin. 

884
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:25,400
How's that work? 
I'll tell you, in the days that 

885
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:28,840
Leviticus was written for the 
culture of believers there, this

886
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:31,760
is what was so important. 
They understood that we only 

887
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:35,920
grow close to the Lord 
relationally, relationally. 

888
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:40,040
And so if you see someone and 
they've committed a sin, don't 

889
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:42,640
sit there and look at them from 
afar and hate them for it. 

890
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:47,200
Sin in the camp is sin that's 
going to affect everybody. 

891
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:50,640
And they knew this. 
And so because of that, they 

892
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:52,840
said if you see sin, you need to
relate to it. 

893
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:57,680
So first thing I would say, if 
you're worried, if you need to 

894
00:45:57,680 --> 00:45:59,840
see if you've got a hardened 
heart or a heart that's wise, 

895
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:01,640
first of all, pay attention to 
your prayers. 

896
00:46:02,240 --> 00:46:04,960
A hardened heart normally will 
stop praying for someone once 

897
00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:08,520
they get wounded, still 
intercede for them through a 

898
00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:10,680
wound. 
Second, I would tell you to 

899
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:12,200
examine your imagination about 
it. 

900
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:15,480
When you picture them, do you 
imagine their worst motives or 

901
00:46:15,480 --> 00:46:18,000
do you allow for there to be 
some complexity in it? 

902
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:22,240
Wisdom does discern patterns 
with people, but hardness of 

903
00:46:22,240 --> 00:46:24,080
heart always assigns a permanent
label. 

904
00:46:24,440 --> 00:46:25,800
The third thing I would say is 
this. 

905
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:29,520
Test your willingness. 
Are you willing to move toward 

906
00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:31,600
repair if there were a safe 
opportunity? 

907
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:33,280
Or have you already made-up your
mind that it's over? 

908
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,440
And the last thing I would say 
is to ask somebody who's 

909
00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:38,840
spiritually mature to speak into
your relationship or your 

910
00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:41,440
situation. 
Not only does isolation weaken 

911
00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:43,560
discernment, but it fuels 
apathy. 

912
00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:47,840
It's a bad cycle to be in. 
One more Scripture, and I'm 

913
00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:51,200
going to read you some lyrics. 
Hebrews chapter 3 says this. 

914
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:53,160
Be careful then, dear brothers 
and sisters. 

915
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:56,280
Make sure that your own hearts 
are not evil and unbelieving, 

916
00:46:56,560 --> 00:46:58,160
turning you away from the living
God. 

917
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,720
You must warn each other every 
day while it is still today. 

918
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:06,160
Anybody know what today is? 
It's today. 

919
00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:10,120
Thank you though it's today. 
Warn each other today while it's

920
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:14,720
still today, so that none of you
will be deceived by sin and 

921
00:47:14,720 --> 00:47:17,040
hardened against God. 
Stop being so loving while I'm 

922
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:21,920
trying to bring conviction. 
The point is this. 

923
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:25,360
Both Old Testament and New 
Testament agree on this. 

924
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:29,360
Do not nurse resentment. 
Do not let bitterness calcify 

925
00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:31,680
your heart. 
Do not allow silence to become a

926
00:47:31,680 --> 00:47:34,880
strategy. 
OK, I'm going to skip ahead. 

927
00:47:34,880 --> 00:47:37,040
I had a whole lot more I wanted 
to say, but I want to read you 

928
00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:38,520
some lyrics. 
How many of y'all remember when 

929
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:40,480
Jason Gray has been here for a 
concert before? 

930
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:43,040
All right, we're some fans of 
Jason Gray around here. 

931
00:47:43,080 --> 00:47:45,280
I'll tell you what, out of all 
the artists we've had here, man,

932
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:48,600
he is such a genuine guy. 
He is a singer-songwriter, plays

933
00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:50,800
acoustic. 
He is such a good guy. 

934
00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:53,680
And there is a song that was 
never on the radio, but there's 

935
00:47:53,680 --> 00:47:55,840
a song he has called Without 
Running Away. 

936
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:59,840
And this song is powerful. 
It is something I've cried 

937
00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:03,280
through many times. 
And so I decided I was going to 

938
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:07,480
read these lyrics to you. 
Here's some of them. 

939
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:10,920
It's not like I'm trying to be 
optimistic. 

940
00:48:11,040 --> 00:48:14,640
If the truth be told, I'd rather
dismiss it and be free from the 

941
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:17,960
burden of living that hoping 
requires. 

942
00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:23,600
And what's the chorus To bring 
my heart to every day and run 

943
00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:26,760
the risk of fearlessly loving 
without running away. 

944
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:31,560
He says Jesus is speaking, but 
it's so hard to hear when 

945
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:35,680
disciples with swords are 
cutting off, ears broken and 

946
00:48:35,680 --> 00:48:37,680
bleeding, waiting for healing to
come. 

947
00:48:38,560 --> 00:48:40,080
And let's see how honest this 
is, he says. 

948
00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:44,400
But wounded is a part that I've 
learned to play well, though the

949
00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:47,160
wound may run deeper than I know
how to tell. 

950
00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:50,800
Pains and addiction that keeps 
me buried alive. 

951
00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:54,280
But when it's all that I know, 
I'm afraid to leave it behind 

952
00:48:55,480 --> 00:49:00,200
and bring my heart to every day 
and run the risk of fearlessly 

953
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:06,320
loving without running away. 
And so I decided to try 

954
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:09,880
something out. 
I sent him a text and I said, 

955
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:12,760
Jason, I don't even know what 
inspired you to write this song,

956
00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:15,680
but this song means a lot to me 
and I feel like the lyrics are 

957
00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:17,200
something I want to share on 
Sunday. 

958
00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:19,640
The name of my sermon is Stop 
Withholding. 

959
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:23,600
Would you mind telling me what 
inspired you to write the song? 

960
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:27,360
And he graciously said yes. 
And he stopped what he was doing

961
00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:30,040
and he walked down some Rd. in 
Wyoming where he was recording 

962
00:49:30,040 --> 00:49:32,240
something. 
And he sent me a video. 

963
00:49:32,240 --> 00:49:35,920
And I'm going to let him preach 
the final part of this sermon. 

964
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:42,440
Gray I was so honored when Blake
asked me to give a little bit of

965
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:46,560
background on my song Without 
Running Away. 

966
00:49:47,200 --> 00:49:54,840
I believe that the pertinent 
lyric was you have to bring your

967
00:49:54,840 --> 00:49:59,600
heart to every day and run the 
risk of fearlessly loving 

968
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:03,400
without running away. 
I think that's the key lyric. 

969
00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:05,800
If not, now he's going to have 
to work that into the sermon. 

970
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:11,720
So there was an interesting 
songwriting process for me. 

971
00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:19,000
One of my heroes, Leonard Cohen,
talks about how some songs 

972
00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:26,880
should be written the way that 
the Lord commanded the ancient 

973
00:50:26,880 --> 00:50:31,400
Israelites to build altars to 
him, altars made of unhewn 

974
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:34,600
stone, untouched by the 
Craftsman. 

975
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:40,680
Because evidently the Lord 
didn't like smooth. 

976
00:50:40,720 --> 00:50:43,240
He liked the rough edges, you 
know? 

977
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:52,760
And So what that means to me as 
a writer is, you know, like I 

978
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:56,800
can, I can work eight years on a
song and just craft the 

979
00:50:56,800 --> 00:50:58,480
lifeblood right out of it, you 
know? 

980
00:50:59,440 --> 00:51:03,000
So that song I wrote in about 20
minutes, and I didn't really 

981
00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:07,560
change anything. 
I just allowed it to be what it 

982
00:51:07,560 --> 00:51:10,680
was, an alternative unhewn 
stone, you know? 

983
00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:20,840
But the song, it just kind of 
came out of me and I didn't even

984
00:51:20,840 --> 00:51:24,960
know what a lot of it meant at 
the time, kind of revealed 

985
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:30,560
itself to me over the years. 
Like, oh, oh, that's what I 

986
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:39,960
meant when I wrote that, you 
know, uh, so it started because 

987
00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:47,280
I was umm, I was in a dark 
season in my life. 

988
00:51:48,280 --> 00:51:51,560
And you know, our, our, our 
hearts are self protective, 

989
00:51:51,560 --> 00:51:54,080
right? 
They want to, they want to armor

990
00:51:54,080 --> 00:52:01,800
up because to love is to be 
vulnerable, to be open and to 

991
00:52:01,800 --> 00:52:06,000
risk the pain that comes along 
with that. 

992
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:13,120
And that guy's got a good groove
going anyway. 

993
00:52:13,240 --> 00:52:19,680
I was, I was feeling that I was 
in a a rough spot where loving 

994
00:52:19,680 --> 00:52:24,480
was was painful. 
And I guess I wanted to do the 

995
00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:31,480
ultimate running away. 
It was a long, restless night 

996
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:41,640
where I was fixated on the idea 
of of checking out, of being 

997
00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:48,680
done with life. 
I had a there was a rafter in my

998
00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:52,040
attic and there was a heavy duty
extension cord. 

999
00:52:52,720 --> 00:52:54,200
And I thought that's how I could
do it. 

1000
00:52:55,960 --> 00:53:00,600
And three times I got out of bed
in the middle of the night and I

1001
00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:06,480
went up in the attic and I 
contemplated it, lined 

1002
00:53:06,480 --> 00:53:11,320
everything up. 
And then ultimately, I, you 

1003
00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:13,920
know, I, I thought, I can't do 
this to my kids. 

1004
00:53:13,920 --> 00:53:19,400
That'd be too hard for them. 
And I came back down and tried 

1005
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:22,480
to go back to sleep and then 
would be overwhelmed by the 

1006
00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:25,400
pain, the pain of life, you 
know. 

1007
00:53:26,280 --> 00:53:29,600
And so that happened three 
different times. 

1008
00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:33,880
After the third time, I was 
laying in bed and a lyric began 

1009
00:53:33,880 --> 00:53:36,640
to form in my head. 
I've spent some years looking 

1010
00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:40,520
for a length of rope and a place
to hang it from the end of my 

1011
00:53:40,520 --> 00:53:42,880
hope. 
But where I thought hope it 

1012
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:44,960
ended, I always find a little 
bit more. 

1013
00:53:47,160 --> 00:53:52,640
And you know, I'm a a sucker for
a song lyrics. 

1014
00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:56,120
So the fourth time I got out of 
bed, instead of going up in the 

1015
00:53:56,120 --> 00:54:01,520
attic, I went downstairs to my 
laptop and I just had to go 

1016
00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:06,000
after that lyric. 
And it just spilled out of me in

1017
00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:14,880
about in about 20 minutes, you 
know, And that line run the risk

1018
00:54:14,880 --> 00:54:18,400
of fearlessly loving without 
running away. 

1019
00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:24,160
You know, that night, it meant, 
you know, without leaving planet

1020
00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:33,160
Earth before my scheduled 
departure, you know, but we can 

1021
00:54:33,160 --> 00:54:36,640
do that in small ways, right? 
We can armor up. 

1022
00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:40,680
We can withhold love. 
I think about one of the ways 

1023
00:54:40,680 --> 00:54:47,880
that I've done that recently. 
I was with a young person who 

1024
00:54:47,880 --> 00:54:56,960
spoke disrespectfully to me. 
And I got angry inside, you 

1025
00:54:56,960 --> 00:55:01,440
know, and, and, and I said I 
expect an apology. 

1026
00:55:03,200 --> 00:55:14,720
And was my anger, my armoring up
was hiding behind this demand 

1027
00:55:14,720 --> 00:55:18,920
for respect. 
But I was armored up in that 

1028
00:55:18,920 --> 00:55:21,600
moment, you know, and, and that 
didn't help. 

1029
00:55:23,680 --> 00:55:28,080
I didn't get an apology. 
Umm, I thought about it 

1030
00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:30,840
afterwards. 
I hadn't been authentic. 

1031
00:55:30,840 --> 00:55:36,680
I hadn't been truthful. 
If I had, I would have said, 

1032
00:55:37,920 --> 00:55:45,680
instead of, uh, I expect an 
apology, I would have said, I 

1033
00:55:45,680 --> 00:55:50,400
don't know if you mean that or 
not, but it, it hurts me when 

1034
00:55:50,400 --> 00:55:57,320
you talk that way and then just 
let her respond however she was 

1035
00:55:57,320 --> 00:56:02,800
going to respond anyway. 
I'm learning. 

1036
00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:09,640
I'm learning how to show up 
authentically vulnerable, run 

1037
00:56:09,640 --> 00:56:13,880
the risk of fearlessly loving 
without running away or hiding 

1038
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:19,480
behind anger or apathy or all 
those things. 

1039
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:24,120
So that's helpful. 
Thank you. 

1040
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:27,600
That was a very important song 
for me. 

1041
00:56:35,710 --> 00:56:39,350
So as Cassie and I watched that 
video when he sent it in, I'm 

1042
00:56:39,350 --> 00:56:46,990
like, just preach my sermon. 
It's almost like we serve a 

1043
00:56:46,990 --> 00:56:48,910
sovereign God who's speaking to 
all of us, right? 

1044
00:56:50,750 --> 00:56:53,110
And I'm so glad that he listened
to the Spirit of God instead of 

1045
00:56:53,110 --> 00:56:55,520
his own emotions. 
It really caught me at the end 

1046
00:56:55,520 --> 00:56:57,200
where he said, if I would have 
been honest, I wouldn't have 

1047
00:56:57,200 --> 00:56:59,680
demanded an apology. 
We do that with kids. 

1048
00:56:59,680 --> 00:57:03,280
Don't we say you're sorry, 
sorry, but they're not. 

1049
00:57:06,400 --> 00:57:08,520
He said, if I had been authentic
and honest, I would have said 

1050
00:57:08,520 --> 00:57:11,960
that really hurts. 
And then just see where it goes 

1051
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:14,440
from there. 
Doesn't that feel more 

1052
00:57:14,440 --> 00:57:20,680
vulnerable though, if you do 
feel convicted to try and love 

1053
00:57:20,680 --> 00:57:23,880
without expectation, if you feel
like there is something that you

1054
00:57:23,880 --> 00:57:28,120
need to do, I just have one line
of a scripture for you. 

1055
00:57:28,120 --> 00:57:32,720
And it's this. 
James 417 says, remember, it is 

1056
00:57:32,720 --> 00:57:35,520
sin to know what you ought to do
and then not to do it. 

1057
00:57:36,720 --> 00:57:40,720
Christianity, simple, but it's 
not easy. 

1058
00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:46,560
So I just want to challenge you.
I want to encourage you today to

1059
00:57:46,560 --> 00:57:50,240
run the risk of fearlessly 
loving without running away. 

1060
00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:52,920
Christians need to be in the 
world. 

1061
00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:57,360
We've got to find ways to be 
united with each other because 

1062
00:57:57,360 --> 00:57:59,120
we're not going to be united 
with anybody else. 

1063
00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:02,600
I love you guys. 
I pray that you'll all run that 

1064
00:58:02,600 --> 00:58:03,480
risk today, Eamon.