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Hello and welcome back to 
another episode of. 

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All right. 
Yeah, just a quick warning on 

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this one. 
We do get into some heavy 

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topics. 
While poignant and interesting, 

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they may trigger you. 
So please please please keep an 

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eye for the numbers at the 
bottom of our page and do reach 

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out to somebody if you are 
triggered. 

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In this week's episode, we'll be
discussing meditation, 

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medication, emu farms, and it's.
All a little bit. 

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Live, laugh, love. 
Ohh, there you are now, welcome 

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back. 
Welcome back to Season 2 of. 

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Ohh, right. 
Yeah, Alright, yeah, good to see

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you all. 
How are you, Abby? 

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You're good feeling footloose 
and fancy free. 

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I am. 
Well, I'm feeling better. 

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I'm absolutely shattered, but 
we're getting through. 

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A little bit overstimulated. 
I'm sick of being shattered all 

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the time. 
I'm sick of that being my 

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answer. 
Like, you know, all the time 

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when people ask me, how are you 
tired? 

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Do you mind when people say to 
you, you look tired? 

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No. 
No, I know how little sleep. 

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I've got no it doesn't bother me
either. 

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I. 
Always. 

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It's also frequent that I get a 
very little amount of sleep and 

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I'm also sick of talking about 
how tired I am. 

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But like, do you think that, do 
you think that like you know the

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age that we are and all that 
we've gone through, even just 

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the two of us separately and 
together in the last two months?

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And do you think that it's okay 
just just pretend you're fine? 

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No. 
Because I I, I'm very black and 

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white person and I couldn't just
say to someone I am brilliant. 

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No, it's dangerous. 
And I actually think that like, 

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but I'm sick of talking about 
it. 

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I'm sick of talking about 
where's the. 

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Where's the happy middle ground?
Well, I'm guessing you're not 

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pretending I am getting to happy
middle. 

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I mean like if it wasn't for the
gallstones, they're like the 

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previous kind of 6-7 months. 
I was happy middle. 

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I mean, I was, I was doing well.
You fucking flying it? 

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You're at the gym 6:30 in the 
morning showing. 

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Off and like you get normally 
tired you know what I mean? 

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And I thank God I don't drink 
anymore cause that would have 

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been the main reason I would. 
Have you done that on the couch 

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halfway through an episode? 
Good evening. 

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Yeah ohh, yeah, like rule not 
recently, but like, you know, 

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100% I mean, but like Kate small
kids, it's just exhausting. 

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But I I I think saying you're 
fine all the time. 

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Is it toxic to society and 
that's also toxic to yourself to

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roll your eyes every time you 
have to make small talk yeah you

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should know that I'm tired. 
You know what my face looks? 

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Like, yeah, exactly. 
For honestly, I was looking back

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at episodes. 
Not that I watch myself 

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regularly on the telly or 
anything like that. 

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I was looking back at episodes 
and there are plenty. 

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I would say 70 to 80% of the 
recording sessions that we've 

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done. 
I'm running on a lot, very, very

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little sleep. 
But I do have a nearly 3 year 

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old. 
Well, yeah, so that's kind of 

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self-explanatory. 
But you know, also like with the

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kind of, you know, turning 40 
and everything like that, no, no

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noticing your body change. 
A little bit, yes, because you 

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dials these latest reels you've 
done, right. 

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They might be couple of weeks 
old now, but there when you get 

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to a certain age and you realise
you're get clumsier, you're 

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getting feeling stuff on your 
face. 

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You have a big log, Yeah. 
Big long hair. 

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Yeah. 
That's some visible trying to 

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round it up, turning it into an 
Olympic sport. 

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Yeah. 
Fly fishing, but yeah, like ohh,

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God. 
But I know and I don't like 

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there's a reason we don't have 
mirrors in our bathrooms yet. 

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We just have the mirrors on. 
The don't have a mirror. 

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In our hallway and I'm grateful 
for it because when I I I watch 

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back or watch real that you've 
put up with a little snippet I'm

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like shit, I look fucking tired 
really. 

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And my mother, you know your 
mother would have no spear in 

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saying yeah yeah, yeah. 
I don't take offence to it, but 

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my response to is just like, 
look, I run a. 

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Business Idea Podcast and I have
a child, don't I? 

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Actually, I don't feel like I 
have. 

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To stick off from no it. 
Doesn't bother me, my my 

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personal trainer said to me the 
other week. 

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I thought you looked for and I. 
You know folks. 

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Like jokingly was like haha 
thanks but it doesn't bother me 

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cause I'm like thank God I don't
need to explain myself. 

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Yes I'm fucking wrecked now. 
Back in my drinking days that 

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was a different story. 
I didn't want anyone to know 

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that I was going to got. 
So fucking offended. 

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Didn't. 
You well, I didn't want to know.

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No, I'd be like I'm caught, you 
know what I mean? 

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Ohh I would, I would have had 
like because I would have been 

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made weak drinking a lot as 
well, you know. 

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So I would have had like perfume
and chilling. 

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Pretend that you weren't. 
Ohh, all the time, all the. 

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Time that's cringe isn't. 
It Yeah, no, it's it's 

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appalling. 
I mean, it just comes with the 

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territory of me have one of the 
reasons I have to give up 

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drinking because it did start to
get a little bit secretive and I

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would I would say that it had 
less than I did and all that 

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kind of thing. 
But actually when you said about

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mirrors thing, you know the way 
I was telling you before when I 

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was when I get anxious or when I
was very anxious back in the 

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day, I would save you kind of 
did a weird wing thing on the 

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yeah with alfalfa, yeah. 
Yeah, we can. 

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We can summon him. 
But I would have, I'd save up 

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time to go to the toilet. 
Remember, think of this like 

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right as in so I wouldn't even 
need to go toilet, I would just 

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want to get out of the rooms and
that's regular behaviour. 

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That was a common. 
Occurrence it was common and I I

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mean, I still be a little bit 
like that, but one of the things

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I still get really freaked out 
about is like is there something

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on my face? 
Do I have like have I food in my

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teeth? 
So I would go to toilet way more

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regularly just to check check 
because I'm like I'm afraid 

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doesn't work charging on OCD, 
isn't it? 

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Yeah, I'm I'm neurotic. 
I think you know, like and do 

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you think it's? 
Gotten. 

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Worse with age. 
It's gotten better with age 

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because I don't give as much of 
A shit like I'll do stories make

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ups from half time academic face
and I I I would trust the people

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tell me. 
In fact, I regularly all tell 

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you in a new year and a new 
friendship. 

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Or you wouldn't be on your face 
30. 

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Seconds. 
Yeah, exactly. 

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I'd always say, and I say it to 
like friends and work. 

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I'll be like, oh, do I have 
stuff my teeth? 

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Or, you know, I would tell them 
because I want to have that 

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environment where I feel like if
I say you do something stupid, 

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please fucking call me up on it 
because so many people don't 

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tell people. 
But also I would empathise while

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you or you know, associate my 
memories like that as well. 

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You you kind of want, well, you 
kind of want to know because you

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always want to be almost want to
be demand to be shamed about it.

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Ohh, just myself. 
On it, yeah, I'm. 

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Yeah. 
Like, I mean, don't, don't you 

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know, bring me through the 
ringer if I'm hungover. 

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But like I just. 
You know those friends you were 

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so. 
Drunk. 

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Oh my God. 
Yeah, you're probably don't. 

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Remember not friends anymore but
like I think go going back to my

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post Natal depression would 
probably be the most anxious 

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I've been. 
I remember the doctor sitting me

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down and saying doing a test on 
me and it was 24 questions and I

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was 23 out of 24 was it was 
rating highly anxious. 

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I couldn't drive, I couldn't 
leave the house, but you 

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couldn't drive. 
I was so scared to drive. 

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I was so scared to drive in 
Central. 

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Crisis or the world ending or 
having a crash or what? 

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Just just imagine your high 
anxiety and multiply that by 100

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and fucking. 
I was so scared all the time and

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I had intrusive thoughts all of 
the time when I was post Natal 

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depression. 
Now I would I can go back, I'll 

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go back in in a bit to my to my 
childhood and all that kind of 

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stuff. 
But posing depression, I think 

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was one of the main kind of 
really where when I was old 

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enough to know I should be doing
better than this, you know what 

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I mean? 
And post Natal depression, I was

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sitting six weeks, Luan was six 
weeks old. 

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I was in a, in a meeting, I 
don't know if I've told this 

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story before or not. 
I was in a meeting and two 

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mothers came in to talk about 
their business and they wanted 

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us to do, I was doing business 
development. 

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So they wanted us to do a 
campaign thing for them. 

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And one of them brought their 
babies in. 

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And I was 2 stone heavier, pale,
extremely sleep deprived, 

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probably a bit all over because 
myself and Fergal just seeing 

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it, started seeing each other 
and drinking and yeah, Butcher's

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high, high, high post Natal 
depression and anxiety and not 

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medicated. 
And I was sitting at the table 

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and they started talking about 
parenting and I was like, yeah. 

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And then we started going into 
like, it's really, really hard, 

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you know? 
And I, I, I started going, I 

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probably went too far. 
I probably was like, yeah, then 

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you fucking, you know, you're 
married, you're gonna kill the 

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baby or something like that. 
And and and then they're, 

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they're the kind of mask, you 
know, fixed back onto their 

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face. 
And they said, yeah, but it's 

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the best job you'll ever have, 
isn't it? 

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And I could see the moment when 
they went from being real and 

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genuine into this is what 
society expects of us. 

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And it just it. 
Yeah, you called me. 

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You can. 
Push it out a little bit, but 

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not too far. 
It enraged me so much because I 

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was like, it's people like this 
and it's not, It's through no 

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fault of their own. 
It's society saying that no, but

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it's actually great. 
Like let's not, let's not give 

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out too much. 
That makes me feel worse about 

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having the feelings having about
being really scared of my child,

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scared of, of, of breaking them,
scared of doing wrong things. 

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And I said, no, it's not the 
best. 

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I like I got coke. 
I couldn't hold it. 

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I only cried. 
I was like, no, it's not the 

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best job. 
I mean jobs that I get have 

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currently, there's a fixed set 
of hours I get leave them. 

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I get to come into them when I 
and I get paid once I get paid, 

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I get paid exactly. 
I get paid on time every time I 

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get people asking me politely 
for help or advice or whatever 

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and then thanking me on sign 
offs, you know, and I and I get 

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to call in sick. 
My job said no, it's not. 

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I mean, yes, it comes with 
rewards, but there. 

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So this pressure that that 
mothers put on themselves is 

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just insane. 
And I don't know where it's 

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coming from. 
And it's the same shit with the 

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midwife stuff and the same shit 
with the medical stuff with 

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women. 
It's almost like we're all 

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playing chicken with one another
to see who is the one that's 

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really going to be very honest 
here and when can we get And 

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it's a test and then and then 
socially, if you feel like 

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you're being too honest, you get
like. 

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You shit yourself about it when 
you go home. 

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Yeah, Yeah. 
And that's the weirdest thing 

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ever to me. 
I might brain just can't get 

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beyond that and that's why I 
just like I just want to be 

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fully present and fully myself 
and not worrying about the what 

216
00:09:08,870 --> 00:09:10,070
ifs. 
That hasn't happened yet because

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it's completely and entirely out
of our control. 

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Also couldn't give a fuck about.
What's what fucking some 

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00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:18,250
randomer thinks about You know, 
it's so easy to say that when 

220
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your mind is going. 
So when I had post Natal 

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depression in the very first six
months, I, I, I figured that's 

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what it was, you know, But I, I 
didn't, I, I started taking CBD 

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oil before that because I was 
actually too scared to go on. 

224
00:09:30,310 --> 00:09:34,350
Bottles of Rescue Remedy. 
Genuinely like, yeah, I was 

225
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:35,900
like. 
I was like fuck the dripper. 

226
00:09:35,910 --> 00:09:39,160
He was like, he gave me Lexapro,
prescription for Lexapro and he 

227
00:09:39,170 --> 00:09:41,200
was like here. 
Did you get to your Willy nilly?

228
00:09:41,210 --> 00:09:44,440
He gave no bothers annex no, he 
was doing, he did the testing on

229
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:46,350
me and he gave me some Xanax. 
I said what's the annex for? 

230
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,950
And he was like ohh, well you 
know, you'll get quite anxious 

231
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,260
going on to the Lexapro. 
And I was I was like fuck that. 

232
00:09:51,270 --> 00:09:53,410
I'm actually too anxious to be 
more anymore. 

233
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,130
Anxious that I am it. 
It is dangerous. 

234
00:09:55,140 --> 00:09:58,180
At this point, yeah. 
So I, I didn't go on ex pro. 

235
00:09:58,190 --> 00:10:01,680
I tried CBD oil and therapy for 
as long as I could, which was 

236
00:10:01,690 --> 00:10:04,540
more like it was just horrific. 
It was really scary. 

237
00:10:04,550 --> 00:10:07,890
I just white knuckling it. 
But it was this feeling of I 

238
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:10,620
remember one point standing in 
the corner of the kitchen 

239
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,580
looking out. 
It was snowing at the time, 

240
00:10:12,590 --> 00:10:15,190
looking out at the snow and just
standing there I think for about

241
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,380
an hour crying just not knowing 
I couldn't. 

242
00:10:17,390 --> 00:10:18,470
I was like, I don't know where 
to go. 

243
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:22,350
I don't know where I don't know.
It was just, and I and I would 

244
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:26,180
describe it as just terror the 
whole time, just being scared of

245
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,270
it Wasn't like I didn't hate 
Lewin. 

246
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,390
I know I really did love Leon. 
I was very relieved about that 

247
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,170
because I didn't know how I 
would feel about him when he 

248
00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:34,550
came out because I wasn't 
planning on having a baby. 

249
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,400
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 
Wasn't planning on having a baby

250
00:10:36,410 --> 00:10:38,030
with Fergal. 
We didn't know each other as 

251
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:42,470
well as we should have, you 
know, in, in respect to our 

252
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,910
history and stuff and. 
I wouldn't call it anyway call 

253
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,420
little bit of disdain. 
Yes, Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

254
00:10:49,870 --> 00:10:52,830
I just, uh, I struggle so much 
with that. 

255
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,140
But I did love Lou and however I
was just petrified because 

256
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:59,220
because he had the. 
Also, it's like you're trying to

257
00:10:59,230 --> 00:11:00,820
convince yourself of the good 
thing. 

258
00:11:00,870 --> 00:11:02,500
Ohh not it's like. 
It's. 

259
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,280
Really awful. 
I always. 

260
00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:06,710
Have this image of like with my 
mental health of like running up

261
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,340
a sand dune. 
You know, you're up and down, 

262
00:11:08,350 --> 00:11:11,360
you get, you're getting really, 
really incrementally up the 

263
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:13,590
sanding with your feet keeps 
slipping and it's really, really

264
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,180
hard. 
That was what my mind was doing 

265
00:11:15,190 --> 00:11:16,860
24/7. 
I remember I was working with a 

266
00:11:16,870 --> 00:11:20,420
friend at the time who was close
with and his mother had had him 

267
00:11:20,590 --> 00:11:22,890
unplanned and she was living in 
London at the time and she had a

268
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:25,570
terrible time. 
And, and Jamie said to me, 

269
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,510
here's my mom's number caller if
you're struggling. 

270
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,690
So I called this complete 
stranger who had never met and I

271
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,360
just bawling down the phone to 
her and I was like, I don't know

272
00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:35,270
what to do. 
And she said all I did in 

273
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,880
London, it was in the 80s, I put
him in the boogie and I would 

274
00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:39,560
walk for hours. 
So that's what I did for the 

275
00:11:39,570 --> 00:11:41,650
first kind of three or four 
months when I was on a day off, 

276
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:44,490
I would just put Lewis in the 
buggy and I'd walk for two, 3-4 

277
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:47,530
hours around Greystones because 
I couldn't sit on my own. 

278
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:50,530
And then you can, of course, in 
the drinking starts, you know. 

279
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:53,820
So for me that that was probably
one of the scariest times, 

280
00:11:53,830 --> 00:11:57,170
obviously last year when I went 
into Pat's. 

281
00:11:57,230 --> 00:11:59,750
But I was a little bit more 
prepared for it then, you know 

282
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,310
what I mean? 
When I go right back to my 

283
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,980
anxiety, my mind started when I 
was 19. 

284
00:12:05,650 --> 00:12:07,780
When I looked back, really, it 
was I was anxious my whole 

285
00:12:07,790 --> 00:12:09,680
child, my whole childhood. 
Like I was anxious my whole 

286
00:12:09,690 --> 00:12:11,220
childhood. 
Like I think I told you recently

287
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,110
about being scared that the 
devil would come under the 

288
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:13,940
doors. 
Yes. 

289
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:14,730
Yeah. 
Yeah. 

290
00:12:14,740 --> 00:12:17,040
So I think I would always panic 
attacky when I was a child, but 

291
00:12:17,050 --> 00:12:19,280
I just need to the bathroom, 
singing hymns in the bathrooms. 

292
00:12:19,290 --> 00:12:20,820
Yeah. 
Fucking awful, isn't it? 

293
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:22,880
But when I was 19, the wheels 
came off. 

294
00:12:22,890 --> 00:12:25,080
Or maybe slightly younger, the 
wheels came off. 

295
00:12:25,090 --> 00:12:28,140
I just thought I was going mad. 
The word panic attack and 

296
00:12:28,150 --> 00:12:30,400
anxiety was not really in our 
lexicon. 

297
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,400
No, I look at people like Jack, 
who's our producer today. 

298
00:12:33,410 --> 00:12:34,640
Hi, Jack. 
Hey, Jack. 

299
00:12:34,650 --> 00:12:41,240
Hi and Jack 242323 and and like 
you would have grown up with 

300
00:12:41,250 --> 00:12:43,880
anxiety and panic attacks. 
You know what it is? 

301
00:12:44,110 --> 00:12:45,860
It's. 
Or you know someone who's talked

302
00:12:45,870 --> 00:12:48,260
about it or experience. 
You understand what it is, you 

303
00:12:48,270 --> 00:12:49,680
know, like whether you've had it
or not. 

304
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:52,330
But I grew up, I was 19 and 
never no one talked about this. 

305
00:12:52,340 --> 00:12:54,530
So I just thought I was going 
fucking crazy. 

306
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:57,490
I remember I I had smoked half a
joint one point in someone's 

307
00:12:57,740 --> 00:13:01,190
someone's house and I ran the 
holy home, which is like two or 

308
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,340
three mile journey. 
I just crying and I couldn't 

309
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,430
leave the house. 
I was prescribed, I've told this

310
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:08,940
before, Diazepam for that repeat
prescription of diazepam for 

311
00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:10,080
that. 
So that's it. 

312
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,730
That's how little anyone knew 
about. 

313
00:13:11,740 --> 00:13:15,900
It she's just like fling I've 
I've had some very, very recent 

314
00:13:15,910 --> 00:13:19,410
experiences of medications 
prescribed medications not 

315
00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:21,000
working. 
Let's talk about. 

316
00:13:21,860 --> 00:13:25,780
The same as you very early on. 
I just found out last weekend 

317
00:13:25,830 --> 00:13:28,710
actually through my parents that
my anxiety started when I was 

318
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,360
three years. 
Old I God what? 

319
00:13:30,660 --> 00:13:34,410
My, I think it came with the 
death of my grandfather and my 

320
00:13:34,420 --> 00:13:37,660
dad's dad. 
And with that, um, I started 

321
00:13:37,670 --> 00:13:39,420
needing to sleep with them more 
and more. 

322
00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:42,520
As in like I had just kind of 
just kind of settled in my own 

323
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:46,580
room, kept coming into them, but
also really cute. 

324
00:13:46,590 --> 00:13:49,920
I was such a cute kid. 
I would like open their eyelids 

325
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,380
just to let them know that I was
there. 

326
00:13:51,690 --> 00:13:55,420
But they set up lamp bed on the 
floor for me so they could get 

327
00:13:55,430 --> 00:13:57,440
their night sleep because 
obviously the waking wasn't 

328
00:13:57,450 --> 00:13:59,290
working for them either. 
So they needed to figure out a 

329
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:02,370
way that I would feel safe. 
But we will be with them. 

330
00:14:02,410 --> 00:14:05,130
I don't know how long it lasted,
but I think my mum said that it 

331
00:14:05,140 --> 00:14:07,640
started with the death of my 
grandad and she thinks that I 

332
00:14:07,650 --> 00:14:10,540
was scared that they were going 
to disappear or I was going to, 

333
00:14:10,610 --> 00:14:12,600
I was going to die. 
So yeah. 

334
00:14:12,850 --> 00:14:17,900
So recently I got an ADHD 
diagnosis and I'd like scored 

335
00:14:17,910 --> 00:14:21,840
severe on that and who knew I 
don't I'm joking. 

336
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,300
It was like there. 
It was very rewarding to find 

337
00:14:24,310 --> 00:14:27,220
out a lot of people are like 
very emotional about what could 

338
00:14:27,230 --> 00:14:29,900
have been and about the the 
confused child that never fit 

339
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:31,100
in. 
I would mean. 

340
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:34,500
As in like it's a realisation 
that you're like ohh shit ohh I 

341
00:14:34,510 --> 00:14:35,520
know. 
What's wrong with me? 

342
00:14:35,530 --> 00:14:37,620
A lot of people are relieved 
when they get their diagnosis. 

343
00:14:37,630 --> 00:14:42,040
Yeah, and they go through like 
quicksand, yes and loss of the 

344
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:43,800
you know, the little loss. 
I was just like, yeah, I've 

345
00:14:43,810 --> 00:14:45,220
never never got a first in 
anything. 

346
00:14:45,290 --> 00:14:49,390
So I I was like, yes, come on. 
Everything is 80%. 

347
00:14:51,420 --> 00:14:57,240
So yeah, I got prescribed 
tyrants hated it from the second

348
00:14:57,250 --> 00:15:01,500
day Lavance yeah, okay, hated it
from the 2nd that I took it and 

349
00:15:01,510 --> 00:15:05,020
I gave it 2 days and made the 
symptoms a lot worse. 

350
00:15:05,090 --> 00:15:07,320
What symptoms like explain that 
to someone who doesn't have 

351
00:15:07,330 --> 00:15:12,520
information anxiety raised heart
rate um, basically like hyper 

352
00:15:12,530 --> 00:15:15,570
focus, but very chaotic. 
Okay, all of the all of the bad 

353
00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:17,220
symptoms of high have made 
worse. 

354
00:15:17,470 --> 00:15:22,270
And then I went on to your man 
was like quite helpful actually 

355
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,900
the psychiatrist he was like he 
didn't explain any of the 

356
00:15:24,910 --> 00:15:27,820
negative or the adverse 
reactions. 

357
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,390
And I talked to guy recently, he
was playing very well. 

358
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:34,170
So I went on the second one 
which is considered to excel and

359
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,490
loved it. 
Called over to you and was 

360
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:37,220
loving. 
You. 

361
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:40,780
I was like, this is really like,
it seems so quiet in my brain. 

362
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,310
And there was a there was quite 
an emotional moment where I was 

363
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,360
like, Oh my God, is this is, is 
this the way it's supposed to 

364
00:15:45,370 --> 00:15:49,490
feel? 
And then a week and 1/2 in, I 

365
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,800
was like battling through 
exhaustion like an hour and a 

366
00:15:51,810 --> 00:15:54,930
half after taking it. 
Okay, so makes him drowsy down 

367
00:15:54,940 --> 00:15:57,970
or kind of vibe that can be if 
you're, if you're, um, your 

368
00:15:57,980 --> 00:16:00,710
dosage isn't right. 
So if you have too little of the

369
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,650
milligrammes or too much of the 
milligrammes, it can go either 

370
00:16:02,660 --> 00:16:04,270
way. 
A lot of titration isn't there. 

371
00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:10,040
Yeah, but also I talked to a 
better psycho psychiatrist then 

372
00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:13,230
and he's told me that none of 
none, of none of what I was 

373
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,010
feeling. 
So I should be feeling okay. 

374
00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:17,210
So I was just like absolutely 
exhausted. 

375
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,670
Feels like my heart rate is up 
but I could go to bed at the 

376
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:21,680
same time. 
Ohh. 

377
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:25,500
Yeah, very, very confusing. 
But for the first four days was 

378
00:16:25,510 --> 00:16:27,360
amazing. 
Like I got loads of shit done. 

379
00:16:27,410 --> 00:16:29,720
I was emotional about the 
quietness of my mind because 

380
00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:31,750
obviously you're thinking about 
two million things all at one 

381
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:33,660
time and it's becomes really 
exhausting. 

382
00:16:33,710 --> 00:16:36,260
And when you turn 40 and lose 
your mask, I think it's coming 

383
00:16:36,270 --> 00:16:39,670
of age thing as well when you 
just, you lose all your masking 

384
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,640
and you're like, ohh, shit. 
Um, and the person that you 

385
00:16:42,650 --> 00:16:45,200
thought you were supposed to be 
for all of that time is no 

386
00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:46,920
longer there. 
So you feel like you've been a 

387
00:16:46,930 --> 00:16:48,290
fraud up. 
It's very hard to explain. 

388
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,290
I mean, you lose your mask. 
I mean do you shed it or like 

389
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:52,530
why did you turn 40 and lose 
your? 

390
00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:55,800
Mask the things that you're so 
used to keeping in touch, like 

391
00:16:56,190 --> 00:17:01,560
socially acceptable like I have,
I have stems like socially 

392
00:17:01,570 --> 00:17:04,510
acceptable stuff like not doing 
that in front of people or. 

393
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,079
So so when you're not for you 
decided to shed the mask. 

394
00:17:07,089 --> 00:17:11,720
Is that what you're no no when 
you get older Okay with what I'm

395
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:14,599
finding it more difficult to 
mask yes right with Perry 

396
00:17:14,609 --> 00:17:17,410
menopause. 
OK, everything goes on and the 

397
00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:20,700
more research I do about it, 
more common common things, yes 

398
00:17:20,710 --> 00:17:23,250
all into place. 
ADHD hyperly sensitive to 

399
00:17:23,260 --> 00:17:28,319
medication, the the massive 
allergic reactions to the IVF 

400
00:17:28,329 --> 00:17:31,650
medication that failing as well.
That's an ADHD thing all 

401
00:17:31,660 --> 00:17:33,010
connected, right? 
Wow. 

402
00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:35,140
So yeah, because you're more 
predisposed to being 

403
00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:37,320
hypersensitive to anything that 
goes into your. 

404
00:17:37,330 --> 00:17:38,790
System while you're allergic, 
nerd. 

405
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:39,850
Yeah. 
Allergic nerd. 

406
00:17:39,860 --> 00:17:42,850
Allergic nerd. 
I love that so the so the good 

407
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:48,130
psychiatrist was like, I have 
funny feeling that you have 

408
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,430
NCIS. 
Which is. 

409
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:54,930
Like it's so we all have mast 
cells in our body and they use 

410
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:58,070
mediators and they're they have 
like over that they have 

411
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:02,020
thousands of mediators that go 
on in to in them to send signals

412
00:18:02,030 --> 00:18:04,170
to different parts of the body. 
Is like a neurological thing. 

413
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,210
A neurological. 
Thing so it's like a disease 

414
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,630
basically. 
I don't think it's um, I don't 

415
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,030
think it's an autoimmune 
disease. 

416
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,490
Okay, I'm unsure. 
I haven't done enough research 

417
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:15,950
yet but he's the second person 
to say to me and someone else 

418
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:19,150
was a a woman that reached out 
through the podcast or weird 

419
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,530
watercolours to say. 
This is what I think you have, 

420
00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:23,330
but you won't be told this by a 
GP. 

421
00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:25,830
So it's something neurological 
and what's happening there 

422
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:29,710
misfiring, they're not. 
There's too much of something, 

423
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,960
so the mediators are sending the
wrong signals, so they're always

424
00:18:32,970 --> 00:18:34,910
on high alert. 
Which would explain my massive 

425
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,510
allergic reactions to things and
my adverse reactions to loads of

426
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:39,540
medications. 
And stuff. 

427
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,700
Okay, so that comes out as a 
physical like it comes out. 

428
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,550
There's a whole, there's a whole
list. 

429
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,820
It works if I think the 
checklist is if you have these 

430
00:18:47,830 --> 00:18:53,530
symptoms over three different 
bodily systems, neurological, 

431
00:18:53,540 --> 00:18:56,670
physical, and I think it's 
topical or scheme or whatever 

432
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,630
right there. 
There's these systems and body, 

433
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:02,060
if you have them across three, 
you're out of five or something 

434
00:19:02,070 --> 00:19:03,690
like this. 
You can't remember the stats. 

435
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,210
Anyway, every single thing I 
read on the entire list that 

436
00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:09,830
could have been was I had a 
lymph node removed. 

437
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:16,530
It's yeah, I have arthritis in 
my knee and I have a swelling of

438
00:19:16,540 --> 00:19:18,410
the joints. 
I have back pain. 

439
00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:20,660
I have things in my boobs 
particularly. 

440
00:19:20,670 --> 00:19:24,390
I have topical rashes or all of 
the time all the way through my 

441
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:28,800
childhood anxiety, sleep, sleep 
disruption. 

442
00:19:28,810 --> 00:19:31,730
So it does go into the head then
that's geological as well. 

443
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:34,280
It works over so many systems, 
but he. 

444
00:19:34,290 --> 00:19:37,660
Would like to do with ADHD. 
No, but you're more likely. 

445
00:19:37,730 --> 00:19:40,520
Yeah, okay, you're more likely. 
To cross okay, okay, so I was 

446
00:19:40,530 --> 00:19:41,220
like. 
Fuck. 

447
00:19:41,230 --> 00:19:45,360
And then it's it's basically 
like something that you have to 

448
00:19:45,370 --> 00:19:49,240
manage, you can't cure. 
But God, one thing that I've 

449
00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:52,790
realised that histamine rich 
foods make it worse. 

450
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,720
Yes, so like. 
Wine or something? 

451
00:19:54,730 --> 00:19:58,250
So very simple solutions, which 
is amazing, taking an 

452
00:19:58,260 --> 00:20:01,450
antihistamine everyday or two or
three, even though it only says 

453
00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:04,610
one, that your body can actually
level itself off and people have

454
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,830
found huge, huge benefits. 
Health anxiety and stuff What? 

455
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:12,290
Why is one of anxiety is one of 
the outcomes of having this 

456
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:15,950
because it raises all your like 
adrenaline or whatever it is. 

457
00:20:16,060 --> 00:20:20,760
So another one is histamine rich
foods are probably out about 

458
00:20:20,770 --> 00:20:23,120
99.9% of the foods that I love 
eating. 

459
00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:27,360
So avocados, peanut butter, 
beer, beer, like all of those 

460
00:20:27,370 --> 00:20:29,980
histamine hugged. 
And also a lot of histamine 

461
00:20:29,990 --> 00:20:31,620
foods are really, really healthy
for you. 

462
00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:32,430
Yeah, course. 
Yeah. 

463
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,020
So I'm trying to figure out 
rejigging my diet. 

464
00:20:35,030 --> 00:20:37,320
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 
To figure out stuff that I like 

465
00:20:37,380 --> 00:20:41,320
because I, I mean, I'm not fussy
with food at all, but I, I'm 

466
00:20:41,330 --> 00:20:44,150
just like, I've just like peanut
butter is a life saver for me 

467
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,900
because it's full of energy and 
also like maybe maybe my 

468
00:20:46,910 --> 00:20:48,120
cholesterol is high. 
I don't know. 

469
00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:50,000
But like, you know what I mean? 
Like all that all. 

470
00:20:50,710 --> 00:20:53,190
Amazing. 
But I only found this out last 

471
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:57,990
week and it's not it's not told 
me by a doctor, it's told to me 

472
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,410
by a psychiatrist. 
Yes who is? 

473
00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:03,790
He was just like I am 99.9% sure
this is what you have. 

474
00:21:03,860 --> 00:21:07,930
Do some research he said on the 
topic of the ADHD medication 

475
00:21:07,940 --> 00:21:11,600
that I would like to try and be 
able to try for longer than a 

476
00:21:11,610 --> 00:21:13,690
week without having an adverse 
reaction. 

477
00:21:13,700 --> 00:21:16,120
Which is so fucking annoying 
because you think you found. 

478
00:21:16,130 --> 00:21:18,960
This you know, and it takes time
and money to get this diagnosis.

479
00:21:18,970 --> 00:21:20,880
On top of all this, I know this 
is a very long winded 

480
00:21:20,950 --> 00:21:23,590
conversation, but on top of all 
this, at the start, before I 

481
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,410
went down the ADHD medication, I
tried Hatert. 

482
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,550
Ohh, yeah. 1 progesterone 
tablet. 

483
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,170
I was having a panic attack in 
the middle of my sleep. 

484
00:21:32,260 --> 00:21:35,370
It was like the worst intrusive 
thoughts I could ever imagine. 

485
00:21:35,380 --> 00:21:39,510
I've never been so close to 
internally considering suicide, 

486
00:21:40,060 --> 00:21:43,550
but but it was more like a dream
than it was a thought that I 

487
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,210
wanted to do something. 
It was more like a what if 

488
00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:47,410
scenario. 
I know. 

489
00:21:47,420 --> 00:21:49,750
Yeah. 
You just came into my brain for 

490
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,170
no reason at all. 
Sweating, shaking, raise blood 

491
00:21:53,180 --> 00:21:55,690
pressure. 
And the, and the, the consultant

492
00:21:55,700 --> 00:21:58,910
for the, the VHI women's clinic 
actually was like, yeah, we're 

493
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:03,360
going to take you off that. 
Um, so I've tried Haggarty, I've

494
00:22:03,370 --> 00:22:05,710
tried two different types of 
ADHD meds. 

495
00:22:05,780 --> 00:22:09,210
I've tried supplements, which 
I'm nearly on for long enough to

496
00:22:09,220 --> 00:22:11,970
tell, yeah, you're all good 
things to say. 

497
00:22:11,980 --> 00:22:14,990
But I'm also currently in my 
luteal phase phase which makes 

498
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,150
what? 
Is luteal phase because I keep 

499
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,830
you keep saying this and I 
actually don't know it's just 

500
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,110
when you're like CMX the worse 
the two weeks before your period

501
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,910
so you're first me section of 
time while your where your 

502
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,720
hormones are like crazy. 
That was me two days ago I was 

503
00:22:26,730 --> 00:22:29,890
anxious ohh yesterday anxious 
for no reason just. 

504
00:22:29,900 --> 00:22:32,550
Violent. 
No, that consciousness, 

505
00:22:32,620 --> 00:22:34,830
consciousness. 
The imbalance is unbelievable. 

506
00:22:35,060 --> 00:22:39,810
Really snappy, really angry, 
really like, like just 

507
00:22:39,820 --> 00:22:41,590
confrontational with Audrey. 
I know. 

508
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,330
I know exactly you. 
Just fucking like feet but also 

509
00:22:44,340 --> 00:22:46,800
the also the negative thoughts 
towards yourself. 

510
00:22:46,810 --> 00:22:48,630
Your fight or flight is just so 
high. 

511
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,610
I was actually, yes, bizarrely 
enough, I was talking to my 

512
00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:54,020
psychologist. 
In psychiatrists in, in Saint 

513
00:22:54,030 --> 00:22:56,000
Pats actually, and we were 
talking about hormones and just 

514
00:22:56,010 --> 00:22:57,330
this is small. 
They want to hear the entire 

515
00:22:57,340 --> 00:22:59,540
story. 
But I was explaining the 

516
00:22:59,550 --> 00:23:01,600
hormones and she was like, yeah,
sometimes it is. 

517
00:23:01,690 --> 00:23:04,480
And it fucking infuriates me 
when doctors, healthcare 

518
00:23:04,490 --> 00:23:08,390
professionals to say that's just
hormones, just hormones. 

519
00:23:08,490 --> 00:23:12,580
Do people have any fucking idea?
It's like, okay, put me in a 

520
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:17,060
carriage, send me on the most 
frightening fucking ghost train 

521
00:23:17,070 --> 00:23:19,460
you can think of with chainsaw 
people chasing. 

522
00:23:19,470 --> 00:23:22,990
You all know it's fake, but it 
doesn't stop my adrenaline. 

523
00:23:23,230 --> 00:23:25,890
No, it doesn't it. 
Screaming and shouldn't be. 

524
00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:29,480
Surprised if like they were 
like, well, two of my people 

525
00:23:29,490 --> 00:23:32,280
that I was talking to a GP and 
the consultant as well. 

526
00:23:32,290 --> 00:23:35,100
Perhaps I'd be surprised if it 
was Perry, but like. 

527
00:23:35,170 --> 00:23:37,130
And I know that I'm. 
Just saying it doesn't matter. 

528
00:23:37,140 --> 00:23:39,020
Don't fine, don't despair. 
Menopause like. 

529
00:23:39,030 --> 00:23:41,240
Give it a name so I can Google. 
Wrong with me. 

530
00:23:41,250 --> 00:23:44,020
Give it a name so I can Google. 
Something 100% I was talking to 

531
00:23:44,030 --> 00:23:46,980
someone today who was talking 
about she went on HRT at 14. 

532
00:23:46,990 --> 00:23:49,390
I'm like ohh like I really want 
to try it but then you know 

533
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:50,960
what? 
It's this little fucking voice 

534
00:23:50,970 --> 00:23:52,880
that comes into your head. 
Don't be hysterical or you're 

535
00:23:52,890 --> 00:23:56,460
not 45 yet. 
Yesterday I was just anxious for

536
00:23:56,470 --> 00:23:59,960
no reason, you know, thought 
thoughts of ohh God I had a 

537
00:24:00,030 --> 00:24:02,380
mental breakdown last year ohh 
God I have to go back to work on

538
00:24:02,390 --> 00:24:04,380
Tuesday. 
Ohh God all that was coming back

539
00:24:04,390 --> 00:24:07,400
12 days for me. 
Before every single period 

540
00:24:07,410 --> 00:24:11,780
you're one yeah that that 
section of time yeah is just 

541
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,430
it's a palpable it's very very 
be all over the place 

542
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,700
unbelievable difference. 
But you know when you're going 

543
00:24:17,710 --> 00:24:20,500
into that day yeah you could 
have been a completely Jackal 

544
00:24:20,510 --> 00:24:24,160
and Hyde yeah could be great. 
Another bad day yesterday I 

545
00:24:24,170 --> 00:24:25,950
kinda levelled off. 
Maybe it's the exhaustion of the

546
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,110
caffeine, I don't know. 
But yeah. 

547
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:30,520
Anyway, so all those diagnosis, 
all these failed attempts, but 

548
00:24:30,530 --> 00:24:34,260
also the fact that a lot of this
stuff that you or me had been 

549
00:24:34,270 --> 00:24:36,780
signed his long working. 
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

550
00:24:36,790 --> 00:24:38,050
Yeah, yeah, and you have to 
wait. 

551
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:41,770
All that time or sitting in the 
fact that you know with your 

552
00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:44,010
medication as well that it'll 
get worse before it gets better.

553
00:24:44,020 --> 00:24:46,120
That's the thing that. 
Is why I was in hospital. 

554
00:24:46,130 --> 00:24:49,930
That is solutely terrifying. 
To know the terrible. 

555
00:24:50,060 --> 00:24:51,880
That whatever. 
Whatever low. 

556
00:24:51,890 --> 00:24:53,150
You were at when you went in 
there. 

557
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:58,030
You're going to go lower and I 
do want to just pause here and 

558
00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,050
save. 
Myself and Abby are not 

559
00:24:59,060 --> 00:25:00,990
healthcare professionals. 
Please don't take advice from 

560
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,390
us. 
Just listen to our experience, 

561
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,990
not our advice. 
However, I do think a lot of 

562
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,250
what cheese, avocados and 
peanut. 

563
00:25:06,260 --> 00:25:08,130
Butter if you go on Google, but.
Do talk to a healthcare 

564
00:25:08,140 --> 00:25:10,500
professional if you are 
considering getting a diagnosis 

565
00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:11,650
for anything like that, 
obviously. 

566
00:25:11,660 --> 00:25:16,250
But I do, I look back on my on 
my I, I would say my medication 

567
00:25:16,260 --> 00:25:18,950
has absolutely saved my life. 
There's lots of people out there

568
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,070
that would say medication 
bullshit. 

569
00:25:21,140 --> 00:25:23,630
Fuck that, I don't care. 
I mean, it's, it's been a 

570
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,630
trifecta for me. 
Well, maybe 4 leaf Clover, 

571
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,950
Clover, um, spirituality and 
meditation for me would be a 

572
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:34,090
huge one then, um, medication 
huge, huge, huge medication. 

573
00:25:34,100 --> 00:25:36,390
Medication. 
Um, yeah, and also. 

574
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,860
Like and is not drinking. 
And I had a conversation with 

575
00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:41,890
someone about big pharma the 
other day and I was I was a few 

576
00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:44,240
pints in and I was just like, I 
don't know how I feel about 

577
00:25:44,250 --> 00:25:45,650
that. 
And she was just like, yeah, for

578
00:25:45,660 --> 00:25:47,630
all the for all the bad that's 
come out of it. 

579
00:25:47,940 --> 00:25:49,810
Like, you wouldn't be here to 
this. 

580
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:52,360
You mean to tell the tale. 
And I was like, that's a really 

581
00:25:52,370 --> 00:25:53,780
good point. 
But at the end of the day, 

582
00:25:53,790 --> 00:25:57,510
they're selling people ideas 
that might not be even wrong 

583
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:58,580
with them. 
It's absolutely around. 

584
00:25:58,590 --> 00:26:01,580
Us like don't get me some big 
pharma, however, it's too big an

585
00:26:01,590 --> 00:26:04,130
area. 
To talk about and amazing that 

586
00:26:04,140 --> 00:26:06,790
you can say that medication is 
save your life cause I think 

587
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:10,410
that well neither I would say 
it's one of the only leaders 

588
00:26:10,420 --> 00:26:13,180
that have helped. 
Audrey would say the same, but 

589
00:26:13,370 --> 00:26:16,620
she was also recently diagnosed 
with a UDHD. 

590
00:26:17,310 --> 00:26:20,380
And. 
She now has a completely 

591
00:26:20,830 --> 00:26:24,060
opposing opinion. 
It's because she was treated for

592
00:26:24,070 --> 00:26:25,520
depression when she wasn't 
depressed. 

593
00:26:25,530 --> 00:26:27,340
Yes, she was. 
Because she was treated for 

594
00:26:27,350 --> 00:26:29,960
anxiety when she wasn't anxious.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, her. 

595
00:26:29,970 --> 00:26:32,110
Brain just worked. 
Differently and nothing in her 

596
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:37,360
environment was was you know 
helping that so horrendous, but 

597
00:26:37,370 --> 00:26:40,460
there was a point where she was 
just like this is this is got me

598
00:26:40,470 --> 00:26:42,340
out of bed. 
This has gotten me back to the 

599
00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:44,520
gym. 
This has gotten me appreciating 

600
00:26:44,570 --> 00:26:47,160
nature more, but I think. 
And we learned this in hospital 

601
00:26:47,170 --> 00:26:50,280
last year, like in, in when I 
was in the mental hospital, we 

602
00:26:50,290 --> 00:26:53,400
learned that it's not, it's not 
going to be one thing. 

603
00:26:53,410 --> 00:26:55,450
It is this holistic. 
You know, when you go in, you're

604
00:26:55,460 --> 00:26:57,120
going to doctor, you got a pain 
in my knee. 

605
00:26:57,230 --> 00:27:00,380
And they, they could say like, 
okay, you just like, okay, just 

606
00:27:00,390 --> 00:27:02,650
give me a pill first. 
But they go, okay, physio and 

607
00:27:02,660 --> 00:27:03,920
then diet. 
And you're like, ohh, 

608
00:27:03,930 --> 00:27:05,820
speechless. 
But it is actually overhaul. 

609
00:27:05,830 --> 00:27:07,700
For me. 
It was, and I, my life had 

610
00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:10,740
ground to a halt when I had my 
mental breakdown last year. 

611
00:27:10,870 --> 00:27:13,780
And there there was, it was 
like, how are we going to fix 

612
00:27:13,790 --> 00:27:16,460
this? 
It wasn't just medication, it 

613
00:27:16,470 --> 00:27:18,780
was finding the right medication
and finding the right level of 

614
00:27:18,790 --> 00:27:20,820
sleep I need and heworth what my
diet going to be like. 

615
00:27:20,830 --> 00:27:23,400
And then when you looked and 
then how much exercise do I need

616
00:27:23,410 --> 00:27:25,800
for my body to be happy? 
When you look at the spiritual 

617
00:27:25,810 --> 00:27:28,340
side, Okay, so do you want to do
like what all the spiritual 

618
00:27:28,350 --> 00:27:30,660
stuff, meditation, mindfulness, 
all those kind of things. 

619
00:27:30,830 --> 00:27:33,810
Then therapy, you know, are you 
going to see therapy and then 

620
00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:36,210
and then your work life, you're 
home just so you need to look at

621
00:27:36,220 --> 00:27:37,500
everything. 
However, when we're talking 

622
00:27:37,510 --> 00:27:41,110
about medication specifically, 
I'm on venlafaxine and it leaves

623
00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:45,170
your system very, very fast. 
So unlike Lexapro. 

624
00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:46,820
So do you notice that? 
Usually if you don't. 

625
00:27:46,830 --> 00:27:49,340
Usually, so I think, I think 
I've said this to you before, 

626
00:27:49,350 --> 00:27:52,640
but just for our listeners, it's
like there's one called an SSN 

627
00:27:52,650 --> 00:27:55,900
I-1 called an ass or I, I'm not 
going, I'm going to get wrong. 

628
00:27:55,970 --> 00:27:59,000
But this one in particular 
leaves your system on a 24 hour 

629
00:27:59,010 --> 00:28:02,020
basis very, very quickly. 
So you need to take it all in 

630
00:28:02,030 --> 00:28:04,590
and around pretty much the exact
same time everyday. 

631
00:28:05,470 --> 00:28:08,120
When I. 
Have forgotten to take it after 

632
00:28:08,130 --> 00:28:11,500
about 3 or 4 hours, I start 
getting brains apps and brains 

633
00:28:11,510 --> 00:28:14,640
apps are like kind of like when 
you have a fever and you know 

634
00:28:14,650 --> 00:28:18,160
when you move and you have this 
like electric shock brain and, 

635
00:28:18,170 --> 00:28:20,240
and so you got like when you 
move your head, you get brain 

636
00:28:20,250 --> 00:28:22,820
zaps and then um, sensory 
overload. 

637
00:28:22,830 --> 00:28:25,080
So everything is super bright, 
everything is really loud. 

638
00:28:25,090 --> 00:28:28,350
I just kind of, we were down in 
cinema and I just had to sit in 

639
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:31,360
the car, but my hood up put like
close my eyes block, literally 

640
00:28:31,370 --> 00:28:33,900
block my ears and I was like 
until I got the medication. 

641
00:28:33,910 --> 00:28:36,480
So you know all that nastiness 
comes with it. 

642
00:28:36,490 --> 00:28:40,970
However, I do find when I'm in a
situation that would lurch me, 

643
00:28:41,260 --> 00:28:43,710
the lurch doesn't come. 
I can feel I can either. 

644
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,770
Thought might start it'll have a
little intrusive thoughts start 

645
00:28:46,780 --> 00:28:49,770
like ohh what happens if the 
kids it starts and then sort of 

646
00:28:49,780 --> 00:28:52,870
a salve goes down and I won't 
get to that point. 

647
00:28:53,260 --> 00:28:55,710
Do you? 
Have you ever felt emotional 

648
00:28:55,770 --> 00:29:00,990
numbing what they refer to as 
when you're on Lexapro? 

649
00:29:01,050 --> 00:29:05,240
Yeah, weirdly with Lexapro um, 
so I know know of people who 

650
00:29:05,250 --> 00:29:07,710
became more suicidal and Lexapro
Jesus. 

651
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,770
So I started welling and it only
creeps in. 

652
00:29:10,780 --> 00:29:12,230
It just imagine this is exactly 
happened. 

653
00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:15,770
So I was Oh my God, working 
beyond control the year before 

654
00:29:15,780 --> 00:29:18,160
last working out control while 
on Lexapro. 

655
00:29:18,350 --> 00:29:21,340
No, so, so the beginning of the 
year working way too much like 

656
00:29:21,350 --> 00:29:24,070
just insane amounts burning 
myself out hadn't dealt with 

657
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:27,120
loads of my demons anxiety 
through the roof drinking to 

658
00:29:27,130 --> 00:29:29,460
calm the anxiety, other 
maladaptive behaviours coming 

659
00:29:29,470 --> 00:29:33,880
in. 
So I went on Lexapro and the 

660
00:29:33,890 --> 00:29:37,460
Lexapro I found instances like 
ohh, I just don't like it was 

661
00:29:37,470 --> 00:29:39,040
much stronger than the 
venaflaxine. 

662
00:29:39,050 --> 00:29:41,440
I just didn't like you just felt
calm all the time. 

663
00:29:41,510 --> 00:29:44,560
However, what I said to my 
sister, I was talking to my 

664
00:29:44,570 --> 00:29:46,190
sister about it. 
I was like, I have found I'm 

665
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:49,620
drinking more on Lexapro and she
was like, I know what you mean. 

666
00:29:49,770 --> 00:29:53,790
And I, I said I, I actually 
didn't give him much of A shift.

667
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:56,550
There was, there was this sort 
of internal um. 

668
00:29:57,430 --> 00:29:59,060
Dampening. 
Yeah, like. 

669
00:29:59,070 --> 00:30:02,790
You're you're you're um. 
Protector your. 

670
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:05,410
Internal preservation is no 
longer there. 

671
00:30:05,420 --> 00:30:07,250
It's like fucking. 
It's a major fucked feeling. 

672
00:30:07,260 --> 00:30:09,990
I had like all the time. 
So I didn't care about drinking 

673
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,220
more as I actually would have 
more than I would have. 

674
00:30:12,230 --> 00:30:15,890
I didn't give a shit and I was 
very, very sweaty. 

675
00:30:15,900 --> 00:30:18,530
I was very, I was very, very. 
Now, I'm not no saying Lexapro, 

676
00:30:18,540 --> 00:30:22,180
but for me it didn't work. 
And then it made a lot of my 

677
00:30:22,190 --> 00:30:25,140
other maladaptive behaviours 
come to the fore a lot more. 

678
00:30:25,150 --> 00:30:28,390
So I have a history since I was 
16 of struggling with self 

679
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:31,320
harming. 
And that would be blade to the 

680
00:30:31,330 --> 00:30:33,640
skin. 
This conversation is really 

681
00:30:33,650 --> 00:30:35,180
triggering. 
So we're obviously going to put 

682
00:30:35,190 --> 00:30:38,500
a lot of help lines up there. 
It's not something people should

683
00:30:38,510 --> 00:30:40,860
reach out to me on because I'm 
not a professional on it. 

684
00:30:40,910 --> 00:30:43,200
Yeah. 
Um, but self harming would be, 

685
00:30:43,210 --> 00:30:46,160
yeah, blade to skin And that got
extremely reckless. 

686
00:30:46,170 --> 00:30:47,590
And it was. 
It's been something I've been 

687
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:50,250
struggling with hugely my whole 
life. 

688
00:30:50,330 --> 00:30:51,790
It's really fucking 
embarrassing. 

689
00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:54,510
It's an embarrassing thing to 
suffer from because it's like 

690
00:30:54,550 --> 00:30:56,290
weird emo teenager thing 
doesn't. 

691
00:30:56,300 --> 00:30:58,890
Like can I ask you a personal 
question? 

692
00:30:59,300 --> 00:31:00,110
Is it? 
Like. 

693
00:31:00,790 --> 00:31:04,530
The thrill of being on the cusp.
No, I can't explain if there is 

694
00:31:04,540 --> 00:31:06,210
definitely an adrenaline people 
trying to. 

695
00:31:06,810 --> 00:31:09,730
Imagine like I think it started.
In my teenage years as probably 

696
00:31:09,740 --> 00:31:11,540
a cry for help. 
I fucking hate when people say 

697
00:31:11,550 --> 00:31:13,490
that to me now I'm like, I'm 41 
of two kids. 

698
00:31:13,500 --> 00:31:15,940
To think for a second that's my 
form of cry for help. 

699
00:31:15,950 --> 00:31:18,730
It's not it's, it's some 
somebody. 

700
00:31:18,740 --> 00:31:20,750
My therapist said. 
It's you needing to feel heard. 

701
00:31:20,820 --> 00:31:23,420
Yes, possibly. 
I am such high energy all the 

702
00:31:23,430 --> 00:31:30,550
time and when I am, my psyche is
in desperate need for help. 

703
00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:33,890
That's when it usually happens. 
It's like my anxiety is rise, 

704
00:31:33,900 --> 00:31:37,450
risen, my depression has risen, 
my self worth is at an all time 

705
00:31:37,460 --> 00:31:39,290
low. 
I'm possibly drinking more. 

706
00:31:39,300 --> 00:31:41,550
You know this is back then. 
And was there a kick? 

707
00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:43,920
In or was there a regularity? 
Yes. 

708
00:31:43,930 --> 00:31:46,630
So it would be when times would,
when times are getting tougher 

709
00:31:46,700 --> 00:31:49,890
and more tired, uh, usually when
I was drinking, not always. 

710
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:56,280
And it, there was a feeling of I
need to do something to Get Me 

711
00:31:56,290 --> 00:31:59,600
Out of my head, as in get my 
thoughts outside of my. 

712
00:31:59,610 --> 00:32:01,200
Would you put aside time to do 
it? 

713
00:32:01,350 --> 00:32:04,860
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 
So I wouldn't know where the, 

714
00:32:04,870 --> 00:32:07,780
The thing is that I can use like
whether it's a knife or whatever

715
00:32:07,790 --> 00:32:13,110
and, and then I would go and do 
it and it was instant relief 

716
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,830
when it happened. 
So it's almost like I'm taking 

717
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:17,840
the pain out of my head that's 
happening in here. 

718
00:32:17,850 --> 00:32:21,420
So I'm in agony, mental pain and
terror and it's going out and 

719
00:32:21,430 --> 00:32:25,050
it's happening on externalising 
that pain and I'm seeing it 

720
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:27,940
there and that's the relief of 
just getting it out of my head. 

721
00:32:27,990 --> 00:32:31,120
Then I see that cut or whatever 
the scar healing. 

722
00:32:31,770 --> 00:32:33,960
But as a result I'm covered in 
scars now. 

723
00:32:33,970 --> 00:32:36,510
As a result, it's always 
something I'm really, really 

724
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:39,140
under the blood represent. 
Yeah, totally there. 

725
00:32:39,150 --> 00:32:42,860
There is a lot of weird relief. 
Some people say try and they 

726
00:32:42,870 --> 00:32:48,080
have like go and hold ice cubes,
you know, pull elastic bands on 

727
00:32:48,090 --> 00:32:50,800
your thing. 
For me, it's, it's, I've always,

728
00:32:51,090 --> 00:32:54,140
I just, I've discovered I went 
back into hospital the second 

729
00:32:54,150 --> 00:32:57,010
time last year because, because 
that this issue had risen up 

730
00:32:57,020 --> 00:32:58,950
again and I wasn't drinking or 
anything. 

731
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:02,970
And I found I really loved art 
watercolours. 

732
00:33:02,980 --> 00:33:05,650
You might have heard of them. 
And then and I, I started 

733
00:33:05,660 --> 00:33:08,360
watercoloring and my art 
therapist at the time fucking 

734
00:33:08,370 --> 00:33:11,050
love art therapy, by the way. 
She was like, why don't you just

735
00:33:11,060 --> 00:33:13,430
get a journal that every time 
you're feeling these thoughts, 

736
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:14,910
you, you do it. 
And I was like, yeah, that makes

737
00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:17,210
sense because I'm externalising.
I used to write a lot of poetry 

738
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:23,120
and now I'm like, well, cringe 
was but just to be surprised and

739
00:33:23,130 --> 00:33:24,900
so on a map. 
Yeah, so but. 

740
00:33:24,910 --> 00:33:28,500
So now like I would like really 
cringey stuff like dark images 

741
00:33:28,510 --> 00:33:30,980
on the page or even if it's just
a flower or it could be like it 

742
00:33:30,990 --> 00:33:32,970
could literally be drawing a 
scar on the page that's 

743
00:33:32,980 --> 00:33:35,250
bleeding, which sounds, sorry, 
this is also triggering for 

744
00:33:35,260 --> 00:33:37,140
everybody, but but can you have 
another? 

745
00:33:37,150 --> 00:33:41,220
Question, yeah, Is it would, 
would that relief and that 

746
00:33:41,230 --> 00:33:46,240
exercise be be kind of matching?
No. 

747
00:33:46,250 --> 00:33:47,620
Because. 
You know, because you don't 

748
00:33:47,630 --> 00:33:51,600
drink anymore either. 
Yeah, there's unmatchable. 

749
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:53,990
Yeah, there is natural. 
Highs that you don't get but 

750
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:55,950
small time. 
You'll get an all time level, 

751
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:57,740
but the high is the worst. 
Thing in the high because you 

752
00:33:57,750 --> 00:33:59,070
because. 
You're going to get that low. 

753
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:01,990
God, that's. 
Really hardcore to invite, isn't

754
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:02,750
it? 
So so. 

755
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:05,830
The thing about the trouble, 
about self harming obviously 

756
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:07,890
loads trouble. 
The really dangerous thing is it

757
00:34:07,900 --> 00:34:11,659
can be very dangerous and it can
lead then to how far can I push 

758
00:34:11,670 --> 00:34:14,230
this And when I was on Lexapro 
didn't give a shit. 

759
00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:16,489
Do you know what I mean? 
That's where it went from. 

760
00:34:16,500 --> 00:34:18,710
Something that was very 
undertaking, something to 

761
00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:22,020
actually enable the other table.
Yeah, yeah. 

762
00:34:22,100 --> 00:34:25,500
That kind of was one of the huge
bits that I how long were you 

763
00:34:25,510 --> 00:34:27,310
taking before you realised 
Lexapro? 

764
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:31,050
Yeah, about I was still on it in
the hospital and he took me off 

765
00:34:31,060 --> 00:34:32,409
it. 
So about four months. 

766
00:34:32,739 --> 00:34:34,889
Fuck, yeah. 
So it was, it was a living hell.

767
00:34:34,900 --> 00:34:37,210
It was a living hell. 
That wasn't like, you know, it 

768
00:34:37,219 --> 00:34:38,790
was that. 
I. 

769
00:34:38,900 --> 00:34:41,560
Had a sneaking suspicion, but I 
also knew that got rid of got 

770
00:34:41,570 --> 00:34:43,409
rid of any anxieties. 
I couldn't come off it, you know

771
00:34:43,420 --> 00:34:47,040
what I mean? 
So look, I just for me and like 

772
00:34:47,050 --> 00:34:49,900
and unlike very relieving to 
talk about the self harm and to 

773
00:34:49,909 --> 00:34:52,900
be honest, because it's 
something I I'm so fucking 

774
00:34:52,909 --> 00:34:54,940
ashamed of. 
Like it's just like, why do you?

775
00:34:54,949 --> 00:34:57,040
Why do you think that it's 
shameful? 

776
00:34:58,340 --> 00:35:00,640
Harassing like it's really 
embarrassing that that's 

777
00:35:00,650 --> 00:35:03,960
something a 40 year old woman 
has a has a go to to to do. 

778
00:35:03,970 --> 00:35:07,280
It's like, I think everyone has 
their shouldn't be embarrassing.

779
00:35:07,290 --> 00:35:13,460
Because like, in a way that, 
like, it's a personal thing. 

780
00:35:13,530 --> 00:35:15,740
It's yeah. 
But it's just how it's the any, 

781
00:35:15,750 --> 00:35:18,060
any of these maladaptive 
behaviours we have deep shame 

782
00:35:18,070 --> 00:35:19,600
in. 
And I am sharing it today 

783
00:35:19,610 --> 00:35:22,250
because I'm hoping that if 
anyone is suffering with 

784
00:35:22,260 --> 00:35:24,840
something like this, that they 
have the courage to speak out 

785
00:35:24,850 --> 00:35:27,190
about and ask for help. 
I'm not saying go and. 

786
00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:30,760
Think that talking in that kind 
of way was cathartic? 

787
00:35:30,930 --> 00:35:32,870
Totally. 
I can't believe I just talked 

788
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:35,000
about it like I've just just 
leave and. 

789
00:35:35,010 --> 00:35:38,540
Admitting it and talking. 
There's something about being in

790
00:35:38,550 --> 00:35:42,420
the hospital and just having my 
sleeves rolled up, you know, 

791
00:35:42,430 --> 00:35:44,890
and, and you'd be talking to 
someone else and you'd notice 

792
00:35:44,900 --> 00:35:47,240
out there self harm as well, you
know, and there was something 

793
00:35:47,250 --> 00:35:49,700
so. 
Weirdly. 

794
00:35:49,710 --> 00:35:52,380
Beautiful about that to be just 
God, it's so good. 

795
00:35:52,390 --> 00:35:54,580
Just people know they get it. 
They don't care. 

796
00:35:54,590 --> 00:35:56,690
Don't explain myself because 
because. 

797
00:35:56,700 --> 00:35:58,060
Isn't it? 
It is a story, but. 

798
00:35:58,070 --> 00:36:02,540
It's just when we are in the 
depths of our difficulty, like 

799
00:36:02,550 --> 00:36:05,100
you were as a child, like you 
were in your teenage years, 

800
00:36:05,150 --> 00:36:07,620
isolation was was nearly the 
death of you then. 

801
00:36:07,910 --> 00:36:09,490
And yeah, do you know what I 
mean? 

802
00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:11,800
Yeah. 
Like you're going on this 

803
00:36:11,810 --> 00:36:14,840
journey now with your medication
and it's, it's tough, but the 

804
00:36:14,850 --> 00:36:18,750
more we hear people sharing 
about these, these, these 

805
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:21,310
problems and, and, and, and 
maladaptive behaviours and I was

806
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:25,190
how they overcame them. 
I haven't self harmed in over a 

807
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:29,970
year and it's like it's not 
something that even crossed my 

808
00:36:29,980 --> 00:36:31,650
mind, you know, at the end of 
the day, it hasn't crossed my 

809
00:36:31,660 --> 00:36:33,190
mind on my fucking brilliant. 
That's great. 

810
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:36,570
It's a great thing to to to be 
aware of Still something I 

811
00:36:36,580 --> 00:36:38,050
carry. 
It's it's still something I'm 

812
00:36:38,060 --> 00:36:41,050
ashamed of and it's still 
something I'm scared of that I I

813
00:36:41,060 --> 00:36:45,160
let things get that bad. 
However, the fact that I can 

814
00:36:45,170 --> 00:36:47,060
talk about it here shows some 
fucking healing. 

815
00:36:47,070 --> 00:36:48,310
Do you know what I mean? 
Yeah. 

816
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,120
And. 
You know as well, like I just 

817
00:36:50,130 --> 00:36:54,310
think that even with the this 
new diagnosis that hasn't been 

818
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:58,480
proven or like, you know, a 
partial diagnosis or opinionated

819
00:36:58,490 --> 00:37:04,290
diagnosis, it's like, and then 
and then I wonder, they're 

820
00:37:04,460 --> 00:37:09,050
wonder about there being a 
direct answer to any of yeah, it

821
00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:10,050
does. 
Seem like what? 

822
00:37:10,060 --> 00:37:11,790
A therapist. 
Said to me as well. 

823
00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:14,740
She is a. 
She was a holistic therapist. 

824
00:37:14,750 --> 00:37:18,110
She was really good. 
She was really, really good. 

825
00:37:18,180 --> 00:37:23,030
Like, but eye opening and kind 
of soft opinions. 

826
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:25,910
What I didn't think I needed at 
the time, she was like, but 

827
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:30,070
what's wrong? 
Without having any purpose to 

828
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:31,970
our existence apart from to 
exist. 

829
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:34,150
And I was just like, say that 
again. 

830
00:37:34,540 --> 00:37:37,050
She was like, what's? 
Wrong with living our lives 

831
00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:38,910
without needing. 
A purpose without needing a 

832
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:39,630
purpose. 
I was. 

833
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,920
That was so. 
Freeing to me and I kind of keep

834
00:37:41,930 --> 00:37:44,310
coming back to that and not like
also not sweating the small 

835
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:48,090
stuff is big in in the front of 
my mind just recently obviously,

836
00:37:48,140 --> 00:37:53,400
but like and that. 
The that. 

837
00:37:53,410 --> 00:37:58,580
Search because we were all 
searching for something better. 

838
00:37:58,590 --> 00:38:00,820
We were all searching for 
something that wasn't us. 

839
00:38:00,830 --> 00:38:03,270
We're always chasing. 
Or running away like we're 

840
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:04,910
never. 
I wonder what would it feel? 

841
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:06,620
Like to like. 
That's not that. 

842
00:38:06,630 --> 00:38:08,540
For a tiny fraction of seconds, 
I'm. 

843
00:38:08,550 --> 00:38:10,200
The total opposite. 
I need a purpose. 

844
00:38:10,210 --> 00:38:12,230
Like we were actually talking 
about this when we didn't get 

845
00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:14,080
the podcast recorded the other 
day. 

846
00:38:14,570 --> 00:38:18,990
Don't tell anyone when the 
animal Oh my God, we've done 

847
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,680
huge fuck up, huge fuck up. 
We were like Oh my There's no 

848
00:38:21,690 --> 00:38:27,400
audio on the on the files. 
And I said to Abby, um, ohh, 

849
00:38:27,410 --> 00:38:30,180
look, I think there's a reason 
in that maybe those those 

850
00:38:30,190 --> 00:38:31,290
episodes weren't going to be 
good. 

851
00:38:31,300 --> 00:38:33,320
There was gonna be something, 
you know, harmful things like 

852
00:38:33,330 --> 00:38:35,680
stop that. 
And you were like, shut the fuck

853
00:38:35,690 --> 00:38:37,150
up. 
There's no reason anything made 

854
00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:39,580
fuck up and make it better. 
And but I, you know, I need to 

855
00:38:39,590 --> 00:38:40,840
renew that. 
I need a reason. 

856
00:38:40,850 --> 00:38:42,330
I need purpose, I need drive. 
I need. 

857
00:38:42,340 --> 00:38:45,060
Why do you think you need that? 
It's just who I am that. 

858
00:38:45,070 --> 00:38:47,620
Is like, I think that is the 
very core of progressing drives 

859
00:38:47,630 --> 00:38:49,530
me. 
It makes me feel safe as well in

860
00:38:49,540 --> 00:38:52,250
the knowledge that when I'm 
driving in a certain direction, 

861
00:38:52,260 --> 00:38:54,560
when I'm walking, when I'm doing
something like this for me, like

862
00:38:54,570 --> 00:38:56,320
we had the major focus had 
calmed me to go. 

863
00:38:56,330 --> 00:38:57,420
Nope. 
There's a reason for that. 

864
00:38:57,510 --> 00:38:59,390
Like, that's what I need. 
And it's interesting to hear you

865
00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:00,950
come from the total other end of
the spectrum. 

866
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:03,570
Yeah. 
And Audrey, like Audrey. 

867
00:39:04,140 --> 00:39:06,480
Would be like you as well. 
She don't she does like ohh, 

868
00:39:06,490 --> 00:39:09,430
it's a sign, but there was like 
you be like, no, it's just it's 

869
00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:11,830
a sign. 
Yeah, like anything related to 

870
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:16,450
anything in any kind of small or
unusual or coincidental way. 

871
00:39:16,460 --> 00:39:17,550
She was like, it has to be a 
sign. 

872
00:39:18,310 --> 00:39:20,730
It's driven our decisions as a 
family a lot of the time. 

873
00:39:20,740 --> 00:39:22,680
And I think that's a beautiful 
thing, whether I believe it 

874
00:39:22,690 --> 00:39:24,660
wholeheartedly or not. 
But you know when we. 

875
00:39:24,670 --> 00:39:27,540
Started the podcast together and
we started to get good news 

876
00:39:27,550 --> 00:39:29,500
after good news after Amber 
still getting really good news. 

877
00:39:29,510 --> 00:39:31,200
And it's don't tell anyone else 
secret. 

878
00:39:31,210 --> 00:39:32,770
Now it's a secret. 
But we're getting we're getting 

879
00:39:32,780 --> 00:39:34,240
some really good cool stuff 
happening. 

880
00:39:34,310 --> 00:39:37,260
And I said to you about the Noe 
feeling and it's like, no, eat 

881
00:39:37,270 --> 00:39:38,700
myself. 
My sister has this thing where 

882
00:39:38,710 --> 00:39:41,230
like you go for a job interview 
or you meet someone new and you 

883
00:39:41,240 --> 00:39:43,820
haven't known me feeling like 
for me, it's even in work when 

884
00:39:43,830 --> 00:39:45,720
I'm working on campaign. 
I have an owl feeling. 

885
00:39:45,730 --> 00:39:47,520
I just know this is going to 
click into place. 

886
00:39:47,590 --> 00:39:49,490
Things start happening 
technically you follow the 

887
00:39:49,500 --> 00:39:52,170
little bit, the little kind of 
stepping stones into the 

888
00:39:52,180 --> 00:39:53,870
relationship. 
So there is a need for it. 

889
00:39:53,940 --> 00:39:56,550
Yeah, because you follow that 
intuition. 

890
00:39:56,560 --> 00:40:00,670
If something, if something is 
giving me resistance in life and

891
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:03,070
it's difficult, drop the tools 
and go back to square one. 

892
00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:05,650
But if something is kind of like
me and you, our friendship will 

893
00:40:05,660 --> 00:40:07,710
easy. 
Doing the podcast wasn't a 

894
00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:09,210
force. 
I didn't go out and go I need to

895
00:40:09,220 --> 00:40:11,690
do a podcast. 
This it just made complete sense

896
00:40:11,700 --> 00:40:13,170
for us to do it and therefore it
works. 

897
00:40:13,180 --> 00:40:16,070
And and so everything is sorted.
That's a noisy feeling for me 

898
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,760
and that that's a spiritual 
piece for me, you know? 

899
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:22,910
I'm really like, I'm just I can 
be very existential. 

900
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:26,630
I can be very philosophical. 
I can follow you follow some 

901
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:31,810
conspiracy shit as well for the 
laugh, but I I I just think that

902
00:40:32,060 --> 00:40:36,040
I don't take any of it too 
seriously unless it's a selfish 

903
00:40:36,050 --> 00:40:39,030
thing, you know, and that's and 
that's like I know you're very. 

904
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:42,970
Oxymoronic because you you do 
flatter you from. 100% agree and

905
00:40:42,980 --> 00:40:45,600
I do flail from one side. 
To the other Jackal Hyde effect,

906
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,550
I will deeply care about 
something that I couldn't give a

907
00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:51,440
fuck about the week four. 
Yeah, but you're very open. 

908
00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:54,120
Minded, I think like when I talk
to you about things that we have

909
00:40:54,130 --> 00:40:57,160
very opposing opinions on 
whatever oxymoronic addition. 

910
00:40:57,170 --> 00:40:59,600
To that is the knee jerk 
reaction, yeah. 

911
00:40:59,610 --> 00:41:02,580
So if I'm, if I'm very open 
minded, but I have knee jerk 

912
00:41:02,590 --> 00:41:05,200
reactions, it means that I 
haven't preconceived that 

913
00:41:05,210 --> 00:41:07,140
there's any other opinion. 
I just don't think. 

914
00:41:07,150 --> 00:41:09,920
There's I can be very straight 
with you about things. 

915
00:41:09,930 --> 00:41:11,910
You rang me looking for advice 
for things and I can be like, 

916
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:13,080
look, I need to give it to 
straight here. 

917
00:41:13,090 --> 00:41:14,420
Have you thought about this 
aspect of it? 

918
00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:15,840
And you can be like, well, yeah,
like you. 

919
00:41:15,850 --> 00:41:18,940
You are quite. 
You're not. 

920
00:41:18,950 --> 00:41:21,500
Defensive and stubborn even 
though and then sometimes you're

921
00:41:21,510 --> 00:41:24,700
like, I don't cause you're not. 
Like I am defensive and stubborn

922
00:41:24,770 --> 00:41:26,740
like that. 
You're not tell you exactly the 

923
00:41:26,750 --> 00:41:27,940
opposite. 
I know it's, but it's. 

924
00:41:27,950 --> 00:41:30,300
I don't know, it is weird, but 
like, yeah. 

925
00:41:30,310 --> 00:41:33,740
So I think maybe it's maybe it. 
Depends who you're receiving it 

926
00:41:33,750 --> 00:41:36,550
from, maybe. 
Yeah, maybe because there's like

927
00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:39,070
Miss Fergal, my, my hackles. 
Heckles will get one of the 

928
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:39,710
heckles. 
Huckles. 

929
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:42,400
What has called your heckles? 
Your heckles will rise like I'm,

930
00:41:42,410 --> 00:41:45,120
well, fucking defensive. 
Or you see it with Danielle and 

931
00:41:45,130 --> 00:41:47,310
dancers in the studio and she 
said her interactions. 

932
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:49,950
Are fucking mean. 
So, and, and like we talked 

933
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:52,290
about this before, like your 
siblings can really get a rise 

934
00:41:52,300 --> 00:41:54,170
out of you. 
But sorry, we're digressing to 

935
00:41:54,180 --> 00:41:55,330
go back to the mental health 
piece. 

936
00:41:55,340 --> 00:41:57,350
Look, I, I'm, I'm on a journey 
and I'm still on it. 

937
00:41:57,360 --> 00:41:59,310
And it's, it's, it's been 1 for 
my whole life. 

938
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:02,530
And interestingly, it, someone 
said something very fascinating 

939
00:42:02,540 --> 00:42:05,430
yesterday and I am, I felt so 
relieved. 

940
00:42:05,720 --> 00:42:09,870
He was sharing a story with me 
and he said he had spent the 1st

941
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:13,640
40 years of his life just 
horrible person being the worst 

942
00:42:13,650 --> 00:42:16,160
version of himself. 
He said he was drinking, he was 

943
00:42:16,170 --> 00:42:20,560
stealing, he was in prison and 
and he was just, he was like, I 

944
00:42:20,570 --> 00:42:22,420
was an awful person. 
And then he, he kind of found 

945
00:42:22,430 --> 00:42:25,850
redemption and, and, and after 
something horrible happened, he 

946
00:42:25,860 --> 00:42:28,080
kind of decided to pivot his 
life and he's given up drinking 

947
00:42:28,090 --> 00:42:31,790
now and he's amazing story. 
And somebody had said to him, 

948
00:42:33,190 --> 00:42:35,480
you don't need to be defined by 
your past. 

949
00:42:35,570 --> 00:42:36,920
Hmm, what do you think about 
that? 

950
00:42:36,970 --> 00:42:40,940
And I could hear myself in my 
head going, please, please, 

951
00:42:40,950 --> 00:42:42,920
please, please let him have a 
positive answer to this because 

952
00:42:42,930 --> 00:42:45,350
I have been struggling so much 
with so much stuff has happened 

953
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:48,310
in my past, so much that I have 
done so much have done around 

954
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:51,280
me, done, done to me that I'm 
just really struggling with. 

955
00:42:51,290 --> 00:42:55,000
How do I, how do I break free 
from all of these anxieties and 

956
00:42:55,010 --> 00:42:59,020
depressions and self harm and 
all this shit and become a 

957
00:42:59,030 --> 00:43:02,460
better version of myself because
or am I always carrying the shit

958
00:43:02,470 --> 00:43:06,460
around on my back? 
And then he said, I'm, I'm still

959
00:43:06,470 --> 00:43:08,720
me, but I want to become the 
best version of me. 

960
00:43:08,730 --> 00:43:12,220
And and so therefore I'm, I'm no
longer defined by my past. 

961
00:43:12,230 --> 00:43:15,510
And I just felt such liberation.
I was like, fuck yes, you know, 

962
00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:16,800
I. 
Mean, yeah, I don't think I 

963
00:43:16,810 --> 00:43:21,260
think that like trigger, 
trigger, like a familial trigger

964
00:43:21,270 --> 00:43:24,460
or like a little, you know, the 
heckles on your back moment is 

965
00:43:24,470 --> 00:43:27,170
the past knock on your shoulder 
and it's how you deal with it in

966
00:43:27,180 --> 00:43:29,300
the moment. 
I always find that in that 

967
00:43:29,310 --> 00:43:32,880
moment there is a choice. 
Not an easy one sometimes, but 

968
00:43:32,890 --> 00:43:36,280
there will always be a choice 
for you to either stand back it 

969
00:43:36,290 --> 00:43:39,390
and not let it take overtly or 
completely ruin a situation. 

970
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:43,670
So there we talked about this 
previously left therapist after 

971
00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:46,370
the first session because she 
said to me I I was pregnant at 

972
00:43:46,380 --> 00:43:48,240
the time too crazy but. 
Yeah. 

973
00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:49,020
Yeah, yeah. 
Ohh. 

974
00:43:49,030 --> 00:43:51,620
God, God, no. 
He was in dire straits at the 

975
00:43:51,630 --> 00:43:52,820
time. 
I was pregnant with Lou and I 

976
00:43:52,830 --> 00:43:55,660
was everything was so tough. 
And and she said, do you know, 

977
00:43:55,670 --> 00:43:59,180
Laura, we can get up in the 
morning and we can choose to 

978
00:43:59,190 --> 00:44:01,460
have positive thoughts. 
I was just like, what the fuck? 

979
00:44:01,470 --> 00:44:03,760
How are you in this profession 
if that's what you think? 

980
00:44:03,810 --> 00:44:06,140
So no, I don't think we can 
choose how positive thoughts. 

981
00:44:06,150 --> 00:44:08,540
I think we can control our 
environment so that if I'm 

982
00:44:08,550 --> 00:44:10,250
feeling anxious, I can't deal 
with this. 

983
00:44:10,260 --> 00:44:12,670
We can control our environment, 
say things the right people. 

984
00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:15,650
What I said. 
About the in the in the moment. 

985
00:44:15,660 --> 00:44:17,270
No, no, no, no, no. 
No, I'm building. 

986
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:20,770
No, no, I think OK, but in the 
moment that that choice would be

987
00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:22,110
okay. 
I'm getting pissed off. 

988
00:44:22,120 --> 00:44:24,630
Remove myself from the 
situation, keep that person at 

989
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:27,110
arms length and one of the 
things that were from the friend

990
00:44:27,120 --> 00:44:29,390
ever applied. 
In the moment I do it now. 

991
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:32,430
Like or don't I maybe I won't 
drink anymore or whatever it is.

992
00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:35,860
We have those so make those 
decisions because what I wasn't 

993
00:44:35,870 --> 00:44:39,550
he's not my words. 
How we think today forms who we 

994
00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:41,290
are tomorrow. 
And I, I know it's, I know it's 

995
00:44:41,300 --> 00:44:44,410
a kind of a live laugh love, but
I think it's really poignant 

996
00:44:44,420 --> 00:44:47,350
because if I think I'm fucked, 
I've lost life. 

997
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,220
I'm, I have drowned under this 
anxiety, the alcoholism, 

998
00:44:50,230 --> 00:44:53,960
whatever that might be. 
But if I think no, today I'm 

999
00:44:53,970 --> 00:44:56,540
struggling. 
I but I know, I know I'll wake 

1000
00:44:56,550 --> 00:44:59,080
up tomorrow and at least there's
that just something, just 

1001
00:44:59,090 --> 00:45:02,020
something being nice to myself. 
And maybe then tomorrow I've 

1002
00:45:02,030 --> 00:45:04,060
told myself that's it. 
Therefore it perpetuates that. 

1003
00:45:04,070 --> 00:45:05,470
That's kind of how I feel. 
That's just. 

1004
00:45:05,810 --> 00:45:09,310
Believe in that. 
It's like kind of like for want 

1005
00:45:09,320 --> 00:45:11,780
of manifestation, for want of a 
better description. 

1006
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:15,770
Kind of manifestation, yeah, but
it's not. 

1007
00:45:15,780 --> 00:45:19,110
But it's not going, you know, 
just think about all the you 

1008
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:21,660
know, when you're miserable or 
anxious and someone put you 

1009
00:45:21,670 --> 00:45:24,280
have, you have a partner, you 
have a house, you have a child. 

1010
00:45:24,290 --> 00:45:26,340
Wouldn't it be great if there's?
Nothing going on in your head 

1011
00:45:26,350 --> 00:45:27,700
ever. 
I hate. 

1012
00:45:27,710 --> 00:45:29,540
Imagine if it was. 
Just the president. 

1013
00:45:29,630 --> 00:45:32,910
Imagine if it was just. 
Always being in the present. 

1014
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,060
I know well, that's why not be 
fucking. 

1015
00:45:35,070 --> 00:45:37,600
Amazing, I do go. 
Back to like yesterday. 

1016
00:45:37,610 --> 00:45:40,160
I was like daytime, daytime, 
daytime for me. 

1017
00:45:40,170 --> 00:45:41,980
Yesterday I was thinking I'd 
love a glass of wine. 

1018
00:45:41,990 --> 00:45:43,900
I was thinking I would love to 
snap up because do you 

1019
00:45:43,910 --> 00:45:45,220
regularly? 
Think about. 

1020
00:45:45,230 --> 00:45:47,410
No, not really. 
No, it's just when I'm 

1021
00:45:47,420 --> 00:45:50,120
particularly anxious. 
What can you do? 

1022
00:45:50,990 --> 00:45:53,010
Ohh, I just tell myself it'll 
pass. 

1023
00:45:53,020 --> 00:45:55,360
I might pick up the phone and 
call a friend just over as well.

1024
00:45:55,370 --> 00:46:00,450
Like I just, I wouldn't, but but
my last 15 months has taught me 

1025
00:46:00,460 --> 00:46:02,540
that it'll pass. 
You know, you just you'll get 

1026
00:46:02,550 --> 00:46:04,770
you'll, you'll go past the 
moment to be patient with the 

1027
00:46:04,780 --> 00:46:07,310
moment. 5 minutes, 5 seconds it 
goes. 

1028
00:46:07,410 --> 00:46:09,720
But yesterday I was just so 
horribly anxious the whole time 

1029
00:46:09,730 --> 00:46:13,640
that I was just, I had to kind 
of really revert to when I was 

1030
00:46:13,650 --> 00:46:17,500
feeling bad in the hospital. 
And it would be 15 minute slots,

1031
00:46:17,550 --> 00:46:19,210
like literally. 
Okay, so for the next 15 

1032
00:46:19,220 --> 00:46:21,360
minutes, the kids are going to 
watch this and I'm going to look

1033
00:46:21,370 --> 00:46:22,000
at my phone. 
Yeah. 

1034
00:46:22,010 --> 00:46:24,860
And I'm not going to have FOMO. 
About Fergal going it was 

1035
00:46:24,870 --> 00:46:25,640
really. 
Yeah. 

1036
00:46:25,650 --> 00:46:28,290
Totally or I'm not gonna. 
Not even telling myself I'm not 

1037
00:46:28,300 --> 00:46:30,260
going to do, I'm just like, what
am I going to do for the next 15

1038
00:46:30,270 --> 00:46:31,520
minutes? 
And then okay, okay, the next 

1039
00:46:31,530 --> 00:46:33,940
two minutes I'm going to just do
a bit of meditation, whatever it

1040
00:46:33,950 --> 00:46:36,260
is. 
So, so today I haven't been 

1041
00:46:36,270 --> 00:46:39,020
living 15 minutes by 15 minutes.
I've been living in the day. 

1042
00:46:39,700 --> 00:46:41,870
That's the most manageable thing
for me, yeah. 

1043
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:43,820
Yeah. 
And I think for you with a. 

1044
00:46:43,830 --> 00:46:47,650
Diagnosis because you've got 
such and I don't like it, but I 

1045
00:46:47,660 --> 00:46:49,510
feel. 
I don't feel I don't feel like 

1046
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:52,700
there's anything amazing out of 
it, but maybe you are learning 

1047
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:55,700
maybe this random diagnosis, but
like I don't know what I'm going

1048
00:46:55,710 --> 00:46:56,990
to do with it. 
Like what do I do? 

1049
00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:00,030
Like how much better can I feel 
antihistamines like okay, so for

1050
00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:02,410
this, is this an interesting 
conundrum I have. 

1051
00:47:02,500 --> 00:47:07,390
I am doing the best I ever have 
with relationships and figuring 

1052
00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:11,850
it out and therapy. 
I'm now a mom who obviously I do

1053
00:47:11,860 --> 00:47:15,730
my best every single day to be 
the best parent ever for him. 

1054
00:47:15,780 --> 00:47:18,370
I have a successful business. 
I'm doing a podcast. 

1055
00:47:18,420 --> 00:47:20,610
We've got really exciting things
going up that I can't tell you 

1056
00:47:20,620 --> 00:47:23,790
about. 
Like how how much better can 

1057
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:27,370
better get if better is this 
best with the tiredness? 

1058
00:47:27,420 --> 00:47:30,390
Yeah, I'm willing to settle. 
Like what the fuck do I do with 

1059
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:31,130
all of this? 
Now? 

1060
00:47:31,140 --> 00:47:34,460
I'm just like, for fucks sake. 
I don't like the way the operas 

1061
00:47:34,470 --> 00:47:36,110
make me feel. 
Some people fucking love it. 

1062
00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:38,100
So I have kind of. 
Answer to you, and it's 

1063
00:47:38,110 --> 00:47:39,650
something that my friends say 
they talk about. 

1064
00:47:39,660 --> 00:47:41,330
Live a life beyond your wildest 
dreams. 

1065
00:47:41,340 --> 00:47:43,330
And we talked about this 
previously by talking about what

1066
00:47:43,340 --> 00:47:47,650
success is. 
I feel that life, my wildest 

1067
00:47:47,660 --> 00:47:51,060
dreams is 1 where nothing 
outside matters and it's just 

1068
00:47:51,070 --> 00:47:52,810
contentment in my head and I'm 
getting that. 

1069
00:47:52,820 --> 00:47:56,930
Maybe owning an emu farm and you
know, or getting a Bush baby as 

1070
00:47:56,940 --> 00:47:59,010
a pet, you know? 
Riding a kangaroo? 

1071
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:01,380
Yeah, exactly. 
But like I think, yeah, there's 

1072
00:48:01,390 --> 00:48:04,530
loads of things and trying to 
bring it in everyday to being 

1073
00:48:05,350 --> 00:48:08,300
it's not about the things, it's 
about me in my head and that 

1074
00:48:08,310 --> 00:48:12,180
once I can get through you, you.
Also in the same in the same 

1075
00:48:12,190 --> 00:48:15,140
regard you talked about 
martyring, you also said life's 

1076
00:48:15,150 --> 00:48:17,540
too fucking short. 
Stop making this stop. 

1077
00:48:17,630 --> 00:48:20,680
Like also also there was another
conversation, I think in a 

1078
00:48:20,690 --> 00:48:23,250
previous episode where you're 
like, just take the meds because

1079
00:48:23,260 --> 00:48:26,400
you know what you're suffering 
right now in that's what I mean,

1080
00:48:26,410 --> 00:48:27,420
like so, so how? 
So. 

1081
00:48:27,430 --> 00:48:31,390
So how do you attain the closest
you can to peace and 

1082
00:48:31,400 --> 00:48:34,160
contentment? 
And is that changing your job? 

1083
00:48:34,170 --> 00:48:36,580
Is that talking to the person 
getting rid of the? 

1084
00:48:36,630 --> 00:48:38,430
ADHD probably Fine, so that's 
your. 

1085
00:48:38,440 --> 00:48:41,620
Journey right killing it killing
it off yeah channelling it 

1086
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:45,390
because you got some good stuff 
but look look no answer there 

1087
00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:48,510
for anyone but just sorry now 
stay stay stay mentally saying 

1088
00:48:48,520 --> 00:48:51,220
everybody and I do need to be 
very clear that was extremely 

1089
00:48:51,230 --> 00:48:54,360
triggering episode for probably 
lots of listeners. 

1090
00:48:54,710 --> 00:48:57,720
So if, if you do need to talk to
a healthcare professional or a 

1091
00:48:57,730 --> 00:49:00,460
therapist or a close friend, 
please do reach out. 

1092
00:49:00,470 --> 00:49:04,580
And um, but I little bit. 
Of metal is good, isn't it? 

1093
00:49:04,590 --> 00:49:06,490
A little. 
Good mad, my friend calls it 

1094
00:49:06,500 --> 00:49:08,100
good mad. 
Everything in moderation. 

1095
00:49:08,150 --> 00:49:11,020
Yeah, stay safe kids. 
Don't do drugs.