Hey, welcome back. In this episode, we're going to
be talking about lipstick on a pig, heroin chic and baggy skin.
Baggy skin. Yeah.
Stay tuned to school. How's it going?
Welcome. Back.
I didn't know who was doing it there.
Hello, welcome. Back to another episode of All
right, Yeah. All right, I write.
Yeah. Alright, yeah, we're getting
really good at that, aren't? We, I think we are.
I think we're nailing it. Yeah.
Hmm. Right, let's.
Go How are you doing, Abby? How you feeling?
I'm pretty good. I'm trying to think of our
trying to think of the topic that we're going to launch into.
Well, we want to talk. We wanted to talk about like
image you said you started. That part, but you go ahead.
You said, you said preening. Yeah, like self-care.
Yeah, like tweezer ring out there.
Physical. Yeah, lovely.
But I forgot to do. This morning, Charming.
Yeah. And I was actually as I was, I
was putting lipstick on for this episode.
And I was like, ohh, yeah. Thank you very much.
Do you feel different when you wear it?
Yeah, totally. Yeah, everybody got.
Into your jammies and you're in bed messaging you.
Like a pig for some reason yellow like what they called
like a pig with makeup or something or like a target up
pig or something. I felt really weird.
Pig. Wearing lipstick.
Pig wearing lipstick. That's it.
Yeah. Thank you.
Jack Ohh, I don't get the pig thing.
But anyway, so this is this is saying, but I, I have, I didn't
have makeup on for a couple of weeks and I quite liked it.
You know what I mean? Because I was really sick.
I never worried it was you. Never, never.
Never, I did you used to do just adjust the eyeliner and mascara.
That's it. Did you when?
Ohh. I would still have been wearing
it when I'm Audrey 6. Years.
Really. Come on, A kind of fizzled out.
Yeah, the more. Allergies, I discovered.
Yeah, fair enough. I mean, I'd wear makeup on I go.
I'd be foundation, concealer, blusher, eyeshadow most on the
daily, on the daily. Now.
I went on when I'm sick now I was thinking about not bothering
today and I was like, fuck it, I'll be worried later.
I don't if I'm going to be kind of out and about and seeing, but
I go. I would go a whole day without
wearing makeup for work and stuff.
You know, there's a good philtre on the old teams, Teams channel
stuff. You can kind of not look
beautiful. You done makeup.
Beautiful. Soft focus.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Mariah shot with the
shotgun. Do you?
You had the setting to horror. And pillow Marks and everything
like. Hi guys.
But I don't. I mean I, I think I would be
very self-conscious about my image now.
I do. I think I'm getting better with
age. But how often are you look in
the mirror? And you're saying this in the
last episode? I would go to the mirror if I'm
on my own twice a day, but if I'm out of work to do around,
would you? I don't know.
I would go and check like I just went after an episode there.
I was like, Oh my God, my makeup was all kind of drying out on my
nose. So I do I, I would.
I've been makeup person for sure.
And I started on the old fake tan there.
Yeah. Which you know about it and I've
noticed it started back on. It actually felt like when I was
in the hospital I felt like I was like ohh God I'm really pale
and I just instantly makes me feel better.
They said that it's the gradual fake tan XI don't.
I wouldn't be honest with the short.
Yes, like cosmetic placebo. I was reading a an interview
with a known feminist. She was.
She was picked. Up and didn't drink.
Out isn't the warmth. Ohh, sorry.
She was she was a well known feminist French feminist.
She she did she was Part 1, one of a duo of feminist directors
and she did a film in the 70s or 80s called base mark, which
means rape me. And it was damn going around
like sexually attacking men. It was super, super, super Hey,
man hater fellows and and the journalist went in to talk to
her. She said, I know you've got
lipstick on. I mean is that that's kind of
anti feminist kind of thing. And the woman's said no.
But I like to look good for me. It doesn't mean I'm I'm doing
anything. Really preparing something for
somebody else. Totally and you know, kind of
being playing into the show one's hand kind of thing.
So there is an element of like, am I doing this for me?
We talked about shaving recently.
I was talking about shaving and like underarm shaving, right And
and and Danielle said would just not bother shaving or something.
And I said because that's looks like swapped children, I would
do it cause I like it. And I was like, no, Fargo said.
I wouldn't care if he did or he didn't.
And I was like. Don't you fucking hair at the
end? I wouldn't.
Care either, but I think there is a bit of me.
Not that I'd be looking under your arms at any point.
Yeah, our relationship, yeah, hopefully not.
Anyway, you're not. But like, I think the part of
me, and it is probably just precondition part of me that
thinks that's not nice because it doesn't make sense that I
hate the hair under arms. It's not like it's not a hygiene
thing for me. It's it's just, I think it's
just the way we grew up. It's the way we grew up, and I'm
okay with that. The 90s was very hairless, let's
be honest. Oh my God, very, very, very
hairless. Very hairless, very fateless,
very when you look back at some of the reels of of like look at,
look what we grew up in. So.
Thin. I recently watched so thin I
like they were talking to Nicole, part of the Paris and
Nicole and they were saying to her like you're that you're just
that bit thicker and how do you feel about that?
She's fucking size 6, like you know what I mean?
She's just not. Ohh, you watch such shows?
Yeah, and the American America's Next Top Model show.
And like, you know, they're, they're mostly kind of defending
slash, not defending themselves, but one of the lines that comes
through the most is it was just the time.
And it is kind of true. Like when I think about the
stuff I would have said or done, I grew up, my grandmother was a
kind of fat shamer. She would have been like, I
think Laura looks fatter today. I think Danielle looked fatter
today. Do you know, playing off each
other? Ohh, traumas.
Amazing. Our whole lives were compared,
you know, So when, when I had Lewin, I put on about I, I went
up a side definitely. I was always kind of a 10 or 12
and then I went up to size 14 and I struggled with that
immensely because Danielle never put on baby, baby weight really,
you know, not noticeably. And I did.
So it was always the like when people asked us in our 30s, you
know, how you can tell the difference, they hadn't seen
Danielle like, well, different body types.
So that's kind of hard like to kind of get the hang of that
because I've got a walking talking mirror who's who's
thinner than me said that the kind of weighing.
Wow. Yeah.
You know, and so you just kind of figure it out.
But I think it is a battle like self, self-care these days is a
battle because A, it's a pain in the arse to do B, I'm always
questioning myself, am I doing this for the right reasons?
Do I put lipstick on because I think it looks nice or am I
trying to be tracked? With yeah, that's very kind of
like, but that's a press, an impressive thing itself, isn't
it? Like that's funny.
I went to the I went obsessively almost on on the peak of
obsessively to the gym. Hmm 20282030 he's fizzle fizzle
out my anxiety and to help me sleep better.
But I kind of over did it. But to be fair, I was ripped.
I want like I had an idea like I was.
My ex at the time was Brazilian. I was hanging around with a lot
of girls with large arses and I wanted to be part of the crew.
So I worked on my butt for a really long time.
But. Like large arse now.
I have junk in my trunk go on and there there's there was
definitely a lot more junk in the trunk.
Let me see. No, it's gotten all flat.
I haven't gone to the gym in like fucking about four years
like properly to do the squats and do the 6 pack.
I had huge arms, really like I had.
The huge always talk about this. So is this something you're sort
of for lowering Lee wanting to get back to?
Do you wanna? Go.
I had to stop that dialogue in my head.
I would look back and look at a picture of myself and go, Oh my
God, I used to look used to look so good.
And then I've become very hard on myself.
I'm more inclined to say what can I achieve now with the age I
am, with the lifestyle that I have.
I was very hard on myself and I had to cut that out because it's
not as if I have ever changed my diet for any reason at all.
Even back then I was jamming it, but I was drinking probably
three nights a week. But also consciously like I
would cook for myself probably more back then that I do than I
do now. I just get.
Audrey to do naughty okay, get them boiled egg and.
Mushroom, the squeaky egg and a mushroom.
But yeah, like, I think I had to change that dialogue because I
realised that it was really self-destructive.
And I did have real problems with image and how I looked and
being bullied, like, you know, when I was a kid for looking
like a boy. And yeah, I had like a slight
scoliosis in the base of my spine, which, like, you know,
there's an art on the top that overcompensates for it.
But I worked on my posture a lot.
And now I'm like where I used to have a job where I'd be 15 hours
on my feet walking all over the place while going to the gym.
And now I stand in one place. I stand up.
I don't ever sit down for work when I'm in production, but I
stand up. I'm in the same position all the
time. So.
So it's kind of like the the effort is fizzling out.
But yeah, I'm trying to become more comfortable with what I
can. Achieve totally it is about that
that is that is for me that the. The reality of putting the hours
in. But I went to the gym.
Three times in a row. At six to half six in the
morning. And you were like.
Yeah, I know. I, I absolutely love going to
the gym now haven't been in ages because the Super gallstones,
but I, I love it now And I, I really mental healthy thing for
me. And it's the first time I've
really gone for mental health. And I would have told myself in
the past, I'm going for mental health, but before it was
burning off the calories of the drink or, you know, when I was
in my 20s, I went out with a guy who would have been, I think he,
he wasn't good for me, you know, like nothing wrong with him.
Sure, he's great for the person with now, but it wasn't good for
me. And as a result, I, I would have
lost a lot of weight. And I, I, I went to the gym
religiously and I was, I mean, there was times actually when we
broke up boobs even worse. I was in the gym once or twice a
day and I was eating, I get up and have a boiled egg and I'd
have a bowl of soup for lunch and then I'd have a no carb
dinner. So it was very, very little
calories. And I really over did it.
But I, I mean, I have a history of eating disorders.
Like I was anorexic when I was 15.
And I mean, there was always going to be something in the.
Water fizzle into your. Totally, totally, totally,
totally. But like I remember the only
attention we'd get was your favourite thing.
We were, we were thin going up. We were flat chested.
We were thin, you know, and so I think I kind of must have
thrived on that attention because I remember collapsing
one day. I hadn't eaten anything and and
I went to the doctor and he made me get on the scales and, you
know, ask about your. Periods and what?
Not all that kind of stuff. And I was just delighted with
myself. That's great.
You know what I mean? And again, trigger warning for
everybody. But like, you know, and she Kate
Moss kind of soil. Do you know what's fucking?
Yeah, like, terrible. You know what?
My 2 best friends Kathy Healy and Natalie sat me down and they
were like will you fucking stop? Like stop.
Will you have a handsome much no fair Okay, it was at the time
and they were like and they were like you just fucking stop.
Like where is this going to end? On your tooth.
Oh my God. This is good.
Content. Missy Yeah, I did.
Um, they sat me down. I remember they were sitting on
the stairs in the hall. Remember he sat in really weird
places when you're teenagers, like you wouldn't just sit on
chairs. Yeah.
Across the back of the couch. Fucking yeah.
They're sitting on the stairs. And they were like, why are you
doing this? I was like, I just don't like
eating. And they were like, well, where
is this going to end for you, Laura?
And it just just that all it took that was all talk.
And I went in late for, didn't give a shit about.
And then, and I kind of got over it.
And then I went back into it a little bit in the 20s.
I was surviving on Jelly tots weirdly.
Well, limiting yourself, just not heating.
And I got very thin again. And I was like, oh, this is
great. It was a sense of control, you
know? And my friend who had been
battling with very serious eating disorder for years and
years was like, I was crying at her drunk one night.
And she was like, I'm not gonna pry.
I'm not gonna hug you. You need to cop the fuck on.
Why? This is the worst affliction
I've ever had and never, ever will have.
You keep going this way, you'll get no fucking sympathy.
That's all you looking for. You get no sympathy this way.
Each cop the fuck on and again dropped on yeah, so I definitely
have been much better relationship with food.
Now it's a bit funny in the last six weeks because I can't eat.
So I'm like, ohh, eat shit. And then I, you know, you get
annoyed when you're eating shite.
But body image, I think for women in their 40s who are
millennials who grew up in the in the 90s and the formative
years in the 2000s when genes were like, you know, the lowest
they could be. Hypnos were itching this heroin
chic look, you know, Kate Moss famously saying nothing tastes
as good as skinny feels. And that gets into my head and
then you kind of go sad, isn't it really is.
And I, I've actually heard Louise Mcsharry and Alison
Spittle talked about this at length on their on the podcast
Louise did last year around Ozempic because they've both
come out speaking about Ozempic. And I, I have had conversations
in the past about a year and a half ago, two years ago when I
was struggling with my weight a lot bigger than I am now.
And I was like, do I do the Olympic route?
Do I do it? Like I've always toyed with
Botox. I don't know if you would you
ever get? No, no, I I've toyed with Botox
and a lot of my friends have gotten it and I've been like,
well, do I do it? And when it comes down to it,
I'm not arrest or I just kind of like I have don't have the
fucking justification to spend the money when our kids getting
holidays. No judgement for anyone to
getting it. I just but then I've actually
seen friends get into. I actually don't think I think
they look nice without you know, that's a personal opinion,
right? Yeah, So I was toying with his
hand picked and I was like, because I I really had tried.
I had done like 2-4 week dire things and I've gone, I've gone
to the gym, but I, you know, I was drinking a lot as well.
But I would do hour and a half walks everyday and I struggle so
much with Danielle. 2 sizes smaller than me and I was.
Yeah, I can imagine that's really hard.
Really hard because it's in your face.
Because my body type as well, I was always flat stomach, big
bum, flat stomach, no boobs really.
And that was kind of my body shape.
So I had to kind of learn how to dress differently.
And, you know, it was really, really.
Hard. Do you know what that thing is
still? Well, something that's happening
currently into this day. You know, the way your wardrobes
read. And I'm very basic.
Hmm. The reason I'm basic is, ohh,
not only maybe because I've got a little bit of a sensory
sensitivity towards things that are too tight around here or
like the way I look, a lot of it through my teenage years and all
the way up until today is a lot of it is because I am really
particular. If I don't like a tiny little
thing that nobody else might notice, I won't wear that piece
of clothes like that. So I am entirely limited and
it'll not only break my confidence, that makes me really
sad and also really, really angry that I look the way I do.
And this is to this day, that's fascinating.
Would you wear this shirt that I'm wearing now?
Yeah, it's flowy, but I don't think it's a good colour on you.
Washes me out. Okay, right, because I'm fair,
I'm fair haired. Well.
Interestingly, not now, do you know?
Yeah. But like The thing is that I do
still limit myself and it's not because it's not because I'm a
lesbian with no style like them, but it's it's because I'm just
thinking about it. I'm only voicing it right now.
This is this podcast is very cathartic for me.
It's because my sensitivities to appearance more so than my want
to buy new things for myself and try new styles.
Interesting. Yeah OK.
And that takes over. So I think it's the toxic nature
of self loathing and how I appear in the mirror.
Yeah, more than I should. I fucking hate shopping and I
don't want to get. Anything.
Ohh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think it comes into that. But also to other people it
seems like an effort thing. Do you know what I mean?
Ohh she's not like she's dressing.
Down. No, I just Casual.
No, I know you. Would yeah, I'm not saying you
would but like, you know if we we've been to a small little
event yes and you're wearing makeup and I, I, I appeared in
all black yeah you know and it's also this extremely still very
very presently self-conscious thing totally.
And like when we go back to the Olympic piece, right?
So Alison Spittle. And Theresa Marie had spoken
openly about it, and I hadn't heard this before, but I was
talking to somebody about it. Um, after this podcast had
aired, I hadn't listened to it yet and I was saying because I'd
lost so much weight in a short amount of time and my body
started to got trimmer, which I'm delighted about now.
Obviously I kind of got very resentful of people being like,
you look great. You know, you, you look amazing.
Really because I felt. How hard?
Was that because I felt really heartbroken?
No. And it makes sense.
And I've now since heard Allison and Louise both talking about
this, Really sad about that woman I was two years ago
because I was struggling massively with my weight.
I was struggling hugely with myself.
Myself. Ohh yeah.
Loathing appearance. And I was nothing wrong with
that. That woman and I, I feel like
losing weight has kind of done her dirty.
It's a strange thing. I've heard them both say that
and I and they both confirmed it.
Like, you know this I don't I feel like I'm kind of like, ohh,
you know, there was that woman was beautiful and I feel bad
when people say you look so great now.
I'm like, what I wouldn't have done for that three years ago.
Do you know what I mean? Everybody's journey is
different, but what we do have that is so the same is the
pressure of needing that has thinking that we need not at
all. And how has it not changed I?
Have absolutely no judgement for anybody who's gone down the
Olympic route. I was very close to me neither I
would be. Worried for the long term
effects? That's most of it's been kind of
fear for me, but most that's literally what people fear
mongering bullshit. That's been totally immediately.
I would have people saying to me who don't struggle with their
weight that much. You haven't really been on yo-yo
diets and all this. Why would you do that?
Why would you put that? You have fucking no, like you
don't have a fucking clue. The difficulty I face everyday.
Like I'd have people giving me clothes to put on my that's not
gonna fit me because I would addressed quite well to hide my
shape a lot and that's not gonna fucking fit me.
Do you know, like I'm in tears a lot of the time and then so much
self loathing and self harm and all the shit that would have
come from really hating where I was.
So I said I was in a good mental place, but but from a physical
and and eating like digestions is whatever, eating badly or
whatever in October. And I said, forget, I'll get a
personal trainer. And if this was American
Airlines Ozempic, I think I always needed a personal trainer
for this cause I can't do it on my own motivation stopping
Actually, it's actually about Laura.
Shut the fuck up because I'd send him.
I have to send pictures once every two weeks.
I send picture. I'm like, ohh, I don't know if I
got in that. And I actually, and we don't
shut up. That's not the point.
We don't do weighings weighing. I said, I'm not weighing myself,
Davi. I can't because I'm going to be
really obsessive over this now. And so we don't weigh and we
started in measurements and we stopped measuring now because my
backs gotten bigger because I'm doing pull ups and stuff.
But I actually noticed that my stomach puffed out after the
operation, obviously because the swelling.
And I noticed I was starting to get those horrible thoughts back
again. And I was like fuck, fuck, fuck.
I put a bit of fake tan on and my stomach went down a bit and I
just started to kind of go, well, that's just lack of
control. But the misery it brings women,
I think if your hair is thinning, if you've got bad
skin, I think I'm, I'm, I think my hair is running.
Follow. You got so much hair, Abbey,
There's no way you could afford to lose half of that.
I know that's not the point. Yeah, I'm noticing.
Like in my hands and in the shower and I never.
Used to my hairdresser says that it just happens once a year.
You'll. Just lose.
Ohh really? Maybe it's just the.
Summer coming in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, 1st of May you lose the. Clump yeah, you do and and and
Instagram now is crazy for me because it's like yo, all I got
on Instagram is like Tommy control clothes, hair thinning
products, anti ageing, anti ageing, anti ageing all the
time, because I would have engaged with these once once you
know, face mask, anti ageing face mask is also shite.
I mean, I'm not saying that it has beautiful, stunning beauty
products out there like Voya, I'm obsessed with Voya.
But at the end of the day you I could look stunning and like
some of the most stunning. People dying everyday and I
don't use anything. You have really good skin.
Sarah V Yeah, you've really good skin.
I to some people that I would speak to and they are absolutely
beautiful. Beautiful and the shit that
comes out of their mouth about themselves.
I look fat. I look terrible.
I look. I remember there was a photo
being taken me when I was 17. I remember in my bikini I was
tiny and I was beautiful, beautiful.
I long hair in plats and I just looked, I looked healthy young,
you know, fucking 17 year old, whatever.
And I saw that photo about 15 years later and I was like, Oh
my God, I thought I look fat in that photo.
Jolene. Yeah, it's the mindset.
So. So my goal to answer your
question finally is to just be happy in my body.
And if even if that's just not. Thinking about us for a day,
Audrey went on a detox diet that was just life changing for her.
She's like, I actually getting energy from, yeah, I actually
have more energy than I did. And she gave up coffee and
everything like that. And to see the pride she added
herself was just fucking unbelievable.
And she did, in her really, really healthy way. 74 year old
50, Can I ask you, are you finished your point there?
No, I finish my point. I remember what I was gonna say.
1450 Would you walk in a bikini down great on Main Street?
Ohh yeah cause I don't know anyone.
So you said your your body confident then I wouldn't be
confident? No, I wouldn't be Cellulite.
You. Yeah, I think so.
No, you definitely don't. I no, I don't I'm not sure that
I do. I have like stretch lines from
do you from from my my how big my thighs and my.
Bones, you know what's interesting to me and you always
we we actually have a lot of the same complaints.
I would have thought because I've had two kids like our
complaints would be quite like what different different like,
but I have stretch marks like is your skin isn't baggy, though.
Let me feel your skin you've lovely yeah you're not baggy
skin wait after you have kids in like look at that so if it minds
like kind of like a deflated semi deflated waterbed like your
skin kind of got I was so fucking swollen when I was
praying it's like so your water retention changes on yeah and I
my feet if I can get the photo under the share it on social
because it's. Like I used to take the piss out
of water. I had like, it was like a
maladies manatee's flippers. And with little novels on top
for the. Tiles.
Yeah, it was just little novels and a flip.
Did you have to wear this? Flip flops?
I don't know. Nitrous oxide psychology.
Oh my God, getting those socks on when you're fucking just nine
months. Back now apps, I was an app.
I wasn't manager when I was pregnant.
I was just absolutely. I was so much water retention.
I was just huge and I just didn't give a shit.
And but like, yeah, pregnancy does a number on, you know, it
really does. Like I have a stomach now.
I didn't. Before stress one, yeah, but
like, I think your goal is I think your goal is achievable.
I think my goal is achievable. And I think my I think my
direction in not looking at photos saying, ohh, I used to be
like that. I know because you know you find
yourself pausing and what kind of picking apart.
Ohh, my neck looks different. I know you.
Know, I know and like I think my goal is achievable.
It's I have like down to everything what's going on in
the last 12 months, let's say I just don't not one thing is
consistent apart from the fact that I have to go to work.
And get work done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, on occasion.
And shit like this has. Yeah.
So there's no like even with the, we're on holiday.
So even with the gym, I brought my gym stuff was like we were
staying in a hotel for the first while first few days and there
was a gym there and I was like, yeah, get up at half 6 now and
then. Like something like Jude not
sleeping or something like that. It just makes it makes it feel
like it's not meant to happen. You know, I know.
Yeah, I think you have to. Like our or is everyone that
sensitive to little little bumps in the.
Road Would you? Would you ever get plastic
surgery? No, I would.
I'm not Tommy Docking Boblitt. Yeah, Audrey said She I.
See that now? But I haven't and I don't, you
know what I mean, But I, I, but I, I I would like to.
Yeah, like this. This is the.
Dimensions are likes. Just I'm trying we're.
Trying to know I'm trying to be okay without thinking it fixed
because like you can't fix the external but like do you have
any kind of embarrassing naked stories or anything?
I have a current fear of like walking through the woods and
being caught, like having a wee with your Bush.
Yeah, people follow. And there was one story about
getting with the next. An ex-girlfriend of mine and I
slept over in her house obviously and her bedrooms here
and the door is just across the hallway.
But the the living room was there.
The door was always open. It was like an open plan living
room kitchen apartment situation and didn't know Like I didn't
know she had a housemate never met him before or whatever.
And I was still drunk when I woke up and I slammed the door
open and ran across alway and all that.
He said he just liked turned his head like just a bum.
Ohh, bomb in the doorway before I gone all the way into the
room. While we were talking about the
virus, because you know, the virus is generally call for the
bulls Rs section, but my friends were saying, well, then the
virus is on the women. Is that kind of middle managers
the perennial has called. And then we were saying like,
ohh, like the the fear of falling asleep, sleep hungover
at a party, like and like just just the virus hanging out and
someone someone coming in and on.
No, not virus. Ohh no.
Cause I can't Fergal has as a thing where he's like he was in
an apart like they shared an apartment on a J1 and he went
into the bathroom was like okay I've got a pair knickers here
Sunnyside up situation. Ohh gosh.
Sunnyside that's like that. Actually I did.
I did a gynaecologist real about 3 weeks ago now and one thing
that was commented commenting on what's that?
That they, you know, the gynaecology so.
No, the funny side off yeah, you're like ohh, God, the we did
the gynaecology and loads of people were likely the thing
about the knickers like you kind of like you're putting your
folding your knickers up. But yeah, Oh my God, actually,
sorry. Very funny story.
And myself and I were living with my dads were about 20-2 at
the time and we've big back garden that's slightly elevated
the conservatives out in the back and you can see into the
garden and with two dogs, the time that used to always run
around in the garden and Danielle was up in bed.
So it's so funny looking bad and the two dogs running around the
show. Yeah, I know.
Sorry, Jack, sorry. But Dan's in bed.
And the, the, the there's a family in from Dad's church.
Like they'd come back from the church and dancers just heard
the dog's barking at the back. And then she just heard the
mother of the family being like, oh, look at that.
What is that? What is that weed dog having his
mouth? And they all looked out the back
and he had a pair for dirty knickers used to go in just
like, yeah, yeah, running around for soil because he's they used
to get into our knickers. And then they they'd come out
and they did. They did you right through the
customs. It's like you've ruined by.
Going the asshole. Baby were 350 ones in pennies.
They weren't the fucking one. Euro ones and pennies.
You ruined them. Mingling around, but the numbers
are fucking disgusting. Yeah, and what's your
relationship with food like now? Probably not the healthiest it
could be. Do you like binge?
I when I was in the hospital, I was like, I'd go and get a
package. You can freak.
Yeah, chicken frequency in the hospital.
Fucking hell that was. Delicious.
OHH 3 portions. Please have a good relationship
with food now I think I. Think I do not.
Do you know? Cause you just don't.
You don't. You don't.
You are yourself until. There's no off button when it.
Comes to eating How was your spice bag yesterday?
Awful, disappointing remorse. Yeah, I did have that.
Yes, I do enter the cinema and I gorged on jellies and I only
have remorses certain time of the month all the way through.
I can, I can, I can, like, talk those bad thoughts away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think food is Food is
like serves. You, you eat to live, don't you?
You don't live to eat. I'm the opposite.
Yeah. And I do love cooking.
You see, I love baking. Was gaslighting myself for so
fucking long about the love for cooking.
That's bullshit. I hate.
I fucking hate. Cooking, but you know, like.
You know I would eat things out of the pot, not even bother
taking. A plate out or like doing a
whole ceremonious would sitting down with a glass of wine.
I just have 3 lunches and that would be you know talking with
me. I used to cook like if I was
making a Curry it would have been steeping for five hours.
Like I work from home, so it would be like slow cooking for
five hours and then I would have like literally flatbreads in the
pan and coriander and butter. And I would do it in between
meetings and stuff. But like slow cooking.
But, and then it would be so condensed between half five and
half six or seven would be eating.
I would be running myself ragged in the kitchen to do this.
And then I do a story on it on, on on social media.
And it was just this people pleaser thing.
It was just this again. It was really, definitely an
adaptive. But I also knowing you this and
having been over to your house where you put on a fantastic
spread of a chicken, um, and some packet ham packet Fordham
and what else was there? There was beautiful salads.
Chicken was absolutely stunning. But I, I feel, I feel because I
know these back stories to you, I feel that there is an inherent
connection with trauma and cooking.
Yeah, possibly that hasn't separated itself yet because I
know you do everything with purpose and in a real rush.
Yeah. But I think that there is
something and I feel I could be wrong.
I don't know if you've ever analysed no drink.
It's drink. So I wouldn't because you don't,
because you don't have the drink.
Now that there's something still no negative.
No, you're still, you're close. So I would have, it would have
been a good excuse for me to drink.
If I was cooking while I'm cooking, I would drink.
So that's so it was like I'm getting away from the kids.
I'm getting away from work. Leave my anxiety.
I was able to put my headphones in.
I have a glass of wine and I cook.
So the meals would invariably get more elaborate because the
more elaborate they were and then there's a long pole, the
longer you could have time to spend doing that.
When I came back from the hospital my first dinner time
with the kids, I sat down. I freaking out physically
shaking. Now I had made something like a
fucking lasagna, something very, very, very straight forward or
was it even a take away? I don't remember, but I was
physically shaking, shaking for two hours.
I was like forgot I can't I can't relax.
So he said, look, then we were like.
Life after Before the dinner or during?
Before, during and after because it was such a pressure point for
me because the kids were screaming launching into strand.
You have to provide but but put needless pressure under my arm
myself for I put myself under needless pressure for just
making this stupid. And so now I make very simple
meals. I do bake and actually baking
for me yourself. Custard thing was fucking.
Amazing. I love baking because baking
has. Now I don't have to bake.
I only bake because I choose where dinner time is coming at
7:00. Have to make it, you know, it's
really stressful time. The kids are just in the door
from school. They are stressed.
I'm stressed, stupid, like. Now I'm making fish fingers and
waffles. I make meatballs or you know, I
make nice stuff, but very simple Curry, meatballs, chicken,
chorizo, really simple things. And that feels like an act of
self-care to me. Um.
Ohh, so you have kind of changed it.
And I've totally changed it. Like so you came up for lunch,
you order came for lunch and we had.
Chicken. But like for other people, not
just your family, that totally kind of changes the tone.
However, you guys came up for lunch.
It would have been something much bigger that would have been
like a Curry and a, you know, or like a traveller.
It would have been fun and the extravagance then pie and blah,
blah. Extravagance is then connected
to the thing that was so traumatic.
Wow. Yeah, that's fucking great.
Hard with you. When you came up, it was cold
cut salad and rolls and cheese. Like that was a that a very
fucked up. My eyes closed.
I mean, that was a very you thought it was lovely.
I just put chicken in the oven. I mean, that was actually never
put in the oven. Yeah, that's bizarre.
Everybody's completely the rest. But look, I think, I think.
I do cook a mean steak though. I think it is.
I think we need to. You thought I was vegan cause
I'm a lesbian? I did.
I didn't know. Yeah, I did.
And it was channel stereo. More tunnels.
I really. Yeah, tunnels are kind of.
Conceded to me again the other day.
The vegan Archer. Yeah, this one's definitely
there. And to round it off, I think you
know all these things when it comes to image eating, how we
treat our bodies, how we, how we Polish our bodies for other
people. I think I think really it comes
down to try trying to ensure you're doing the right reasons.
And that's and that's hard. And that that is something
that's going to take time. Are you baking this because you
need validation? Are you baking this?
Are you eating gonna be delicious?
Are you eating this because you're feeding something that
really needs to be fed? Are you are you not eating that
because you're starving yourself?
Are you putting that lipstick on because you think it'll cheer
you up? Are you putting lipstick on
because you think society needs. I think we need to.
And yeah, like that is an exhausting part of womanhood is
that we need to examine this part choices we make and go.
Is this the right reason? Because unfortunately, as
millennials who grew up as women in the 90s and 2000s, yeah, we
were conditioned a certain way and I would fucking unwire
ourselves and do it again. But I think, yeah, that's what
I'm doing these days anyway. Yeah, me too.
I just like, I don't know. I just still trying to figure
out it's all, it's all a model in my head because like I'm just
like a lot of, well, with the, like a lot of dietary things I
know could become better, which would then in turn make me
become more confident, which then in turn would make me more
motivated to go to the gym. Yeah.
But I just find that especially having a DHD and a bad version
of it, the X-rated version, um, it's everything is all so
tangled that if I get into something like I went three
days, 3-4 days in a row, 630 like as I said previously, and
you were like, wow, well done. I knew as it started, it wasn't
the last long. And that's disappointing for me
because I'm a perpetual cycle and this can apply to every,
every area of my life and the sensitivities towards clothes
and appearance more of a fear. So I'm disappointed in myself
for letting that take over. You know what I mean?
So it's more like that's a much deeper thing.
It's not. It's not.
It's not pushed out for other people.
It's like all internals. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. And I'm only realising that now.
Yeah. Which is awesome.
Good session. So I can work on it then.
Good session. Have you?
OK. So next week we'll be talking
about haircuts. Yeah, that, that was.
Yeah, it is. It is actually interesting.
Didn't think when we started this topic, I didn't think we'd
get so much mental health and emotion involved in it, but it
really is. Yeah, you.
Bye.