1 00:00:01,130 --> 00:00:03,080 Hey, welcome back. In this episode, we're going to 2 00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:06,940 be talking about lipstick on a pig, heroin chic and baggy skin. 3 00:00:06,950 --> 00:00:07,950 Baggy skin. Yeah. 4 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:18,490 Stay tuned to school. How's it going? 5 00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:19,150 Welcome. Back. 6 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,250 I didn't know who was doing it there. 7 00:00:20,260 --> 00:00:22,880 Hello, welcome. Back to another episode of All 8 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,210 right, Yeah. All right, I write. 9 00:00:24,220 --> 00:00:26,020 Yeah. Alright, yeah, we're getting 10 00:00:26,030 --> 00:00:27,400 really good at that, aren't? We, I think we are. 11 00:00:27,410 --> 00:00:28,750 I think we're nailing it. Yeah. 12 00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:34,650 Hmm. Right, let's. 13 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,390 Go How are you doing, Abby? How you feeling? 14 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,270 I'm pretty good. I'm trying to think of our 15 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,330 trying to think of the topic that we're going to launch into. 16 00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,090 Well, we want to talk. We wanted to talk about like 17 00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:46,090 image you said you started. That part, but you go ahead. 18 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:51,220 You said, you said preening. Yeah, like self-care. 19 00:00:51,230 --> 00:00:52,760 Yeah, like tweezer ring out there. 20 00:00:52,770 --> 00:00:54,150 Physical. Yeah, lovely. 21 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,160 But I forgot to do. This morning, Charming. 22 00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:58,550 Yeah. And I was actually as I was, I 23 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,060 was putting lipstick on for this episode. 24 00:01:00,070 --> 00:01:02,680 And I was like, ohh, yeah. Thank you very much. 25 00:01:02,690 --> 00:01:03,840 Do you feel different when you wear it? 26 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,020 Yeah, totally. Yeah, everybody got. 27 00:01:07,030 --> 00:01:09,040 Into your jammies and you're in bed messaging you. 28 00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:13,570 Like a pig for some reason yellow like what they called 29 00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:15,630 like a pig with makeup or something or like a target up 30 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,670 pig or something. I felt really weird. 31 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,290 Pig. Wearing lipstick. 32 00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:20,660 Pig wearing lipstick. That's it. 33 00:01:20,670 --> 00:01:21,310 Yeah. Thank you. 34 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:22,670 Jack Ohh, I don't get the pig thing. 35 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:26,960 But anyway, so this is this is saying, but I, I have, I didn't 36 00:01:26,970 --> 00:01:30,540 have makeup on for a couple of weeks and I quite liked it. 37 00:01:30,550 --> 00:01:31,920 You know what I mean? Because I was really sick. 38 00:01:31,930 --> 00:01:33,590 I never worried it was you. Never, never. 39 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:38,250 Never, I did you used to do just adjust the eyeliner and mascara. 40 00:01:38,310 --> 00:01:39,630 That's it. Did you when? 41 00:01:40,590 --> 00:01:43,230 Ohh. I would still have been wearing 42 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,070 it when I'm Audrey 6. Years. 43 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,030 Really. Come on, A kind of fizzled out. 44 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,790 Yeah, the more. Allergies, I discovered. 45 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,310 Yeah, fair enough. I mean, I'd wear makeup on I go. 46 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:57,290 I'd be foundation, concealer, blusher, eyeshadow most on the 47 00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:58,860 daily, on the daily. Now. 48 00:01:58,870 --> 00:02:01,090 I went on when I'm sick now I was thinking about not bothering 49 00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:02,670 today and I was like, fuck it, I'll be worried later. 50 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,250 I don't if I'm going to be kind of out and about and seeing, but 51 00:02:05,260 --> 00:02:06,740 I go. I would go a whole day without 52 00:02:06,750 --> 00:02:08,130 wearing makeup for work and stuff. 53 00:02:08,139 --> 00:02:10,810 You know, there's a good philtre on the old teams, Teams channel 54 00:02:10,820 --> 00:02:12,030 stuff. You can kind of not look 55 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,360 beautiful. You done makeup. 56 00:02:13,370 --> 00:02:14,580 Beautiful. Soft focus. 57 00:02:14,590 --> 00:02:16,900 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Mariah shot with the 58 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,560 shotgun. Do you? 59 00:02:18,690 --> 00:02:21,530 You had the setting to horror. And pillow Marks and everything 60 00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:22,460 like. Hi guys. 61 00:02:22,470 --> 00:02:24,340 But I don't. I mean I, I think I would be 62 00:02:24,350 --> 00:02:26,180 very self-conscious about my image now. 63 00:02:26,190 --> 00:02:27,740 I do. I think I'm getting better with 64 00:02:27,750 --> 00:02:28,930 age. But how often are you look in 65 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:30,820 the mirror? And you're saying this in the 66 00:02:30,830 --> 00:02:34,380 last episode? I would go to the mirror if I'm 67 00:02:34,390 --> 00:02:38,750 on my own twice a day, but if I'm out of work to do around, 68 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:39,570 would you? I don't know. 69 00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:42,460 I would go and check like I just went after an episode there. 70 00:02:42,470 --> 00:02:45,230 I was like, Oh my God, my makeup was all kind of drying out on my 71 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,350 nose. So I do I, I would. 72 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:48,810 I've been makeup person for sure. 73 00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:51,050 And I started on the old fake tan there. 74 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,070 Yeah. Which you know about it and I've 75 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:59,050 noticed it started back on. It actually felt like when I was 76 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:01,530 in the hospital I felt like I was like ohh God I'm really pale 77 00:03:01,540 --> 00:03:03,710 and I just instantly makes me feel better. 78 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,740 They said that it's the gradual fake tan XI don't. 79 00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:06,870 I wouldn't be honest with the short. 80 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:13,150 Yes, like cosmetic placebo. I was reading a an interview 81 00:03:13,910 --> 00:03:15,840 with a known feminist. She was. 82 00:03:15,850 --> 00:03:17,150 She was picked. Up and didn't drink. 83 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,140 Out isn't the warmth. Ohh, sorry. 84 00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:21,300 She was she was a well known feminist French feminist. 85 00:03:21,310 --> 00:03:26,120 She she did she was Part 1, one of a duo of feminist directors 86 00:03:26,130 --> 00:03:29,360 and she did a film in the 70s or 80s called base mark, which 87 00:03:29,370 --> 00:03:32,020 means rape me. And it was damn going around 88 00:03:32,030 --> 00:03:34,480 like sexually attacking men. It was super, super, super Hey, 89 00:03:34,490 --> 00:03:38,260 man hater fellows and and the journalist went in to talk to 90 00:03:38,270 --> 00:03:39,550 her. She said, I know you've got 91 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,500 lipstick on. I mean is that that's kind of 92 00:03:41,510 --> 00:03:43,170 anti feminist kind of thing. And the woman's said no. 93 00:03:43,180 --> 00:03:47,470 But I like to look good for me. It doesn't mean I'm I'm doing 94 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:48,990 anything. Really preparing something for 95 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,850 somebody else. Totally and you know, kind of 96 00:03:50,860 --> 00:03:54,130 being playing into the show one's hand kind of thing. 97 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,390 So there is an element of like, am I doing this for me? 98 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,590 We talked about shaving recently. 99 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:02,150 I was talking about shaving and like underarm shaving, right And 100 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:06,080 and and Danielle said would just not bother shaving or something. 101 00:04:06,090 --> 00:04:10,380 And I said because that's looks like swapped children, I would 102 00:04:10,430 --> 00:04:12,740 do it cause I like it. And I was like, no, Fargo said. 103 00:04:12,750 --> 00:04:14,280 I wouldn't care if he did or he didn't. 104 00:04:14,290 --> 00:04:15,760 And I was like. Don't you fucking hair at the 105 00:04:15,770 --> 00:04:16,220 end? I wouldn't. 106 00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:17,870 Care either, but I think there is a bit of me. 107 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,899 Not that I'd be looking under your arms at any point. 108 00:04:19,970 --> 00:04:22,060 Yeah, our relationship, yeah, hopefully not. 109 00:04:22,070 --> 00:04:25,930 Anyway, you're not. But like, I think the part of 110 00:04:25,940 --> 00:04:28,050 me, and it is probably just precondition part of me that 111 00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,340 thinks that's not nice because it doesn't make sense that I 112 00:04:30,350 --> 00:04:32,440 hate the hair under arms. It's not like it's not a hygiene 113 00:04:32,450 --> 00:04:34,080 thing for me. It's it's just, I think it's 114 00:04:34,090 --> 00:04:36,270 just the way we grew up. It's the way we grew up, and I'm 115 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,740 okay with that. The 90s was very hairless, let's 116 00:04:38,750 --> 00:04:41,520 be honest. Oh my God, very, very, very 117 00:04:41,530 --> 00:04:44,460 hairless. Very hairless, very fateless, 118 00:04:44,470 --> 00:04:47,420 very when you look back at some of the reels of of like look at, 119 00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:48,940 look what we grew up in. So. 120 00:04:48,950 --> 00:04:50,900 Thin. I recently watched so thin I 121 00:04:50,910 --> 00:04:55,070 like they were talking to Nicole, part of the Paris and 122 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,430 Nicole and they were saying to her like you're that you're just 123 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,370 that bit thicker and how do you feel about that? 124 00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:01,010 She's fucking size 6, like you know what I mean? 125 00:05:01,020 --> 00:05:02,690 She's just not. Ohh, you watch such shows? 126 00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:05,820 Yeah, and the American America's Next Top Model show. 127 00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:08,740 And like, you know, they're, they're mostly kind of defending 128 00:05:08,750 --> 00:05:11,610 slash, not defending themselves, but one of the lines that comes 129 00:05:11,620 --> 00:05:13,520 through the most is it was just the time. 130 00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,640 And it is kind of true. Like when I think about the 131 00:05:15,650 --> 00:05:19,040 stuff I would have said or done, I grew up, my grandmother was a 132 00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:21,200 kind of fat shamer. She would have been like, I 133 00:05:21,210 --> 00:05:23,360 think Laura looks fatter today. I think Danielle looked fatter 134 00:05:23,370 --> 00:05:24,720 today. Do you know, playing off each 135 00:05:24,730 --> 00:05:26,620 other? Ohh, traumas. 136 00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:28,180 Amazing. Our whole lives were compared, 137 00:05:28,190 --> 00:05:32,020 you know, So when, when I had Lewin, I put on about I, I went 138 00:05:32,030 --> 00:05:35,030 up a side definitely. I was always kind of a 10 or 12 139 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:38,880 and then I went up to size 14 and I struggled with that 140 00:05:38,890 --> 00:05:42,570 immensely because Danielle never put on baby, baby weight really, 141 00:05:42,580 --> 00:05:44,590 you know, not noticeably. And I did. 142 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,070 So it was always the like when people asked us in our 30s, you 143 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,810 know, how you can tell the difference, they hadn't seen 144 00:05:48,820 --> 00:05:50,650 Danielle like, well, different body types. 145 00:05:50,690 --> 00:05:53,490 So that's kind of hard like to kind of get the hang of that 146 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:56,530 because I've got a walking talking mirror who's who's 147 00:05:56,540 --> 00:05:58,290 thinner than me said that the kind of weighing. 148 00:05:58,300 --> 00:05:59,140 Wow. Yeah. 149 00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:03,660 You know, and so you just kind of figure it out. 150 00:06:03,710 --> 00:06:08,320 But I think it is a battle like self, self-care these days is a 151 00:06:08,330 --> 00:06:12,400 battle because A, it's a pain in the arse to do B, I'm always 152 00:06:12,490 --> 00:06:14,660 questioning myself, am I doing this for the right reasons? 153 00:06:14,710 --> 00:06:18,700 Do I put lipstick on because I think it looks nice or am I 154 00:06:18,710 --> 00:06:21,580 trying to be tracked? With yeah, that's very kind of 155 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:24,940 like, but that's a press, an impressive thing itself, isn't 156 00:06:24,950 --> 00:06:25,980 it? Like that's funny. 157 00:06:25,990 --> 00:06:30,240 I went to the I went obsessively almost on on the peak of 158 00:06:30,250 --> 00:06:35,290 obsessively to the gym. Hmm 20282030 he's fizzle fizzle 159 00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:37,290 out my anxiety and to help me sleep better. 160 00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:42,750 But I kind of over did it. But to be fair, I was ripped. 161 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,730 I want like I had an idea like I was. 162 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,610 My ex at the time was Brazilian. I was hanging around with a lot 163 00:06:48,620 --> 00:06:52,110 of girls with large arses and I wanted to be part of the crew. 164 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,100 So I worked on my butt for a really long time. 165 00:06:54,110 --> 00:06:55,370 But. Like large arse now. 166 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,500 I have junk in my trunk go on and there there's there was 167 00:06:58,510 --> 00:07:00,050 definitely a lot more junk in the trunk. 168 00:07:00,060 --> 00:07:02,650 Let me see. No, it's gotten all flat. 169 00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:06,570 I haven't gone to the gym in like fucking about four years 170 00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:10,970 like properly to do the squats and do the 6 pack. 171 00:07:10,980 --> 00:07:14,030 I had huge arms, really like I had. 172 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,750 The huge always talk about this. So is this something you're sort 173 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,900 of for lowering Lee wanting to get back to? 174 00:07:18,910 --> 00:07:19,610 Do you wanna? Go. 175 00:07:19,620 --> 00:07:21,150 I had to stop that dialogue in my head. 176 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,760 I would look back and look at a picture of myself and go, Oh my 177 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:26,930 God, I used to look used to look so good. 178 00:07:26,940 --> 00:07:28,950 And then I've become very hard on myself. 179 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:33,250 I'm more inclined to say what can I achieve now with the age I 180 00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:35,130 am, with the lifestyle that I have. 181 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,640 I was very hard on myself and I had to cut that out because it's 182 00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:42,020 not as if I have ever changed my diet for any reason at all. 183 00:07:42,030 --> 00:07:44,960 Even back then I was jamming it, but I was drinking probably 184 00:07:44,970 --> 00:07:48,600 three nights a week. But also consciously like I 185 00:07:48,610 --> 00:07:51,820 would cook for myself probably more back then that I do than I 186 00:07:51,830 --> 00:07:52,580 do now. I just get. 187 00:07:52,590 --> 00:07:55,760 Audrey to do naughty okay, get them boiled egg and. 188 00:07:55,770 --> 00:07:58,220 Mushroom, the squeaky egg and a mushroom. 189 00:07:58,890 --> 00:08:02,630 But yeah, like, I think I had to change that dialogue because I 190 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,300 realised that it was really self-destructive. 191 00:08:04,310 --> 00:08:11,770 And I did have real problems with image and how I looked and 192 00:08:11,780 --> 00:08:14,600 being bullied, like, you know, when I was a kid for looking 193 00:08:14,610 --> 00:08:18,370 like a boy. And yeah, I had like a slight 194 00:08:18,380 --> 00:08:21,230 scoliosis in the base of my spine, which, like, you know, 195 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,270 there's an art on the top that overcompensates for it. 196 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,910 But I worked on my posture a lot. 197 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:28,110 And now I'm like where I used to have a job where I'd be 15 hours 198 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,690 on my feet walking all over the place while going to the gym. 199 00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:32,429 And now I stand in one place. I stand up. 200 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,870 I don't ever sit down for work when I'm in production, but I 201 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:36,390 stand up. I'm in the same position all the 202 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:37,130 time. So. 203 00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:39,770 So it's kind of like the the effort is fizzling out. 204 00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:42,330 But yeah, I'm trying to become more comfortable with what I 205 00:08:42,340 --> 00:08:44,030 can. Achieve totally it is about that 206 00:08:44,039 --> 00:08:47,990 that is that is for me that the. The reality of putting the hours 207 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,460 in. But I went to the gym. 208 00:08:49,470 --> 00:08:51,410 Three times in a row. At six to half six in the 209 00:08:51,420 --> 00:08:52,420 morning. And you were like. 210 00:08:52,460 --> 00:08:54,640 Yeah, I know. I, I absolutely love going to 211 00:08:54,650 --> 00:08:58,660 the gym now haven't been in ages because the Super gallstones, 212 00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:01,650 but I, I love it now And I, I really mental healthy thing for 213 00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:02,530 me. And it's the first time I've 214 00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:04,440 really gone for mental health. And I would have told myself in 215 00:09:04,450 --> 00:09:06,370 the past, I'm going for mental health, but before it was 216 00:09:06,570 --> 00:09:09,510 burning off the calories of the drink or, you know, when I was 217 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:13,980 in my 20s, I went out with a guy who would have been, I think he, 218 00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:16,820 he wasn't good for me, you know, like nothing wrong with him. 219 00:09:16,830 --> 00:09:19,160 Sure, he's great for the person with now, but it wasn't good for 220 00:09:19,170 --> 00:09:21,580 me. And as a result, I, I would have 221 00:09:21,590 --> 00:09:24,030 lost a lot of weight. And I, I, I went to the gym 222 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:27,330 religiously and I was, I mean, there was times actually when we 223 00:09:27,340 --> 00:09:30,610 broke up boobs even worse. I was in the gym once or twice a 224 00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:33,800 day and I was eating, I get up and have a boiled egg and I'd 225 00:09:33,810 --> 00:09:36,590 have a bowl of soup for lunch and then I'd have a no carb 226 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,130 dinner. So it was very, very little 227 00:09:38,140 --> 00:09:40,090 calories. And I really over did it. 228 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,030 But I, I mean, I have a history of eating disorders. 229 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,730 Like I was anorexic when I was 15. 230 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:47,280 And I mean, there was always going to be something in the. 231 00:09:47,290 --> 00:09:50,070 Water fizzle into your. Totally, totally, totally, 232 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,460 totally. But like I remember the only 233 00:09:52,470 --> 00:09:54,090 attention we'd get was your favourite thing. 234 00:09:54,140 --> 00:09:56,570 We were, we were thin going up. We were flat chested. 235 00:09:56,580 --> 00:10:00,370 We were thin, you know, and so I think I kind of must have 236 00:10:00,380 --> 00:10:02,960 thrived on that attention because I remember collapsing 237 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,910 one day. I hadn't eaten anything and and 238 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:08,070 I went to the doctor and he made me get on the scales and, you 239 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,410 know, ask about your. Periods and what? 240 00:10:09,420 --> 00:10:11,690 Not all that kind of stuff. And I was just delighted with 241 00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:12,720 myself. That's great. 242 00:10:12,730 --> 00:10:14,300 You know what I mean? And again, trigger warning for 243 00:10:14,310 --> 00:10:17,230 everybody. But like, you know, and she Kate 244 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,040 Moss kind of soil. Do you know what's fucking? 245 00:10:20,050 --> 00:10:21,830 Yeah, like, terrible. You know what? 246 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:26,290 My 2 best friends Kathy Healy and Natalie sat me down and they 247 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:29,560 were like will you fucking stop? Like stop. 248 00:10:29,570 --> 00:10:32,590 Will you have a handsome much no fair Okay, it was at the time 249 00:10:32,970 --> 00:10:35,700 and they were like and they were like you just fucking stop. 250 00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:37,840 Like where is this going to end? On your tooth. 251 00:10:37,850 --> 00:10:39,420 Oh my God. This is good. 252 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:43,050 Content. Missy Yeah, I did. 253 00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:45,800 Um, they sat me down. I remember they were sitting on 254 00:10:45,810 --> 00:10:47,980 the stairs in the hall. Remember he sat in really weird 255 00:10:47,990 --> 00:10:50,180 places when you're teenagers, like you wouldn't just sit on 256 00:10:50,190 --> 00:10:51,100 chairs. Yeah. 257 00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:52,980 Across the back of the couch. Fucking yeah. 258 00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:55,060 They're sitting on the stairs. And they were like, why are you 259 00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:56,680 doing this? I was like, I just don't like 260 00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,460 eating. And they were like, well, where 261 00:10:58,470 --> 00:10:59,700 is this going to end for you, Laura? 262 00:11:00,010 --> 00:11:02,500 And it just just that all it took that was all talk. 263 00:11:02,510 --> 00:11:04,700 And I went in late for, didn't give a shit about. 264 00:11:04,710 --> 00:11:06,440 And then, and I kind of got over it. 265 00:11:06,450 --> 00:11:08,810 And then I went back into it a little bit in the 20s. 266 00:11:09,590 --> 00:11:11,360 I was surviving on Jelly tots weirdly. 267 00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:13,740 Well, limiting yourself, just not heating. 268 00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:15,910 And I got very thin again. And I was like, oh, this is 269 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,350 great. It was a sense of control, you 270 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,680 know? And my friend who had been 271 00:11:19,690 --> 00:11:23,420 battling with very serious eating disorder for years and 272 00:11:23,430 --> 00:11:26,500 years was like, I was crying at her drunk one night. 273 00:11:26,510 --> 00:11:27,920 And she was like, I'm not gonna pry. 274 00:11:28,010 --> 00:11:29,980 I'm not gonna hug you. You need to cop the fuck on. 275 00:11:30,370 --> 00:11:31,600 Why? This is the worst affliction 276 00:11:31,610 --> 00:11:34,220 I've ever had and never, ever will have. 277 00:11:34,370 --> 00:11:36,940 You keep going this way, you'll get no fucking sympathy. 278 00:11:36,950 --> 00:11:38,920 That's all you looking for. You get no sympathy this way. 279 00:11:38,970 --> 00:11:42,240 Each cop the fuck on and again dropped on yeah, so I definitely 280 00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:43,680 have been much better relationship with food. 281 00:11:43,690 --> 00:11:46,780 Now it's a bit funny in the last six weeks because I can't eat. 282 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,100 So I'm like, ohh, eat shit. And then I, you know, you get 283 00:11:49,110 --> 00:11:50,130 annoyed when you're eating shite. 284 00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:53,980 But body image, I think for women in their 40s who are 285 00:11:53,990 --> 00:11:56,710 millennials who grew up in the in the 90s and the formative 286 00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:00,160 years in the 2000s when genes were like, you know, the lowest 287 00:12:00,170 --> 00:12:02,620 they could be. Hypnos were itching this heroin 288 00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:07,260 chic look, you know, Kate Moss famously saying nothing tastes 289 00:12:07,270 --> 00:12:10,910 as good as skinny feels. And that gets into my head and 290 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,490 then you kind of go sad, isn't it really is. 291 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,210 And I, I've actually heard Louise Mcsharry and Alison 292 00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:18,650 Spittle talked about this at length on their on the podcast 293 00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:23,040 Louise did last year around Ozempic because they've both 294 00:12:23,050 --> 00:12:26,370 come out speaking about Ozempic. And I, I have had conversations 295 00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:28,800 in the past about a year and a half ago, two years ago when I 296 00:12:28,810 --> 00:12:31,610 was struggling with my weight a lot bigger than I am now. 297 00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:34,950 And I was like, do I do the Olympic route? 298 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,640 Do I do it? Like I've always toyed with 299 00:12:36,650 --> 00:12:38,240 Botox. I don't know if you would you 300 00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:41,350 ever get? No, no, I I've toyed with Botox 301 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,280 and a lot of my friends have gotten it and I've been like, 302 00:12:43,290 --> 00:12:45,170 well, do I do it? And when it comes down to it, 303 00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,760 I'm not arrest or I just kind of like I have don't have the 304 00:12:47,770 --> 00:12:50,230 fucking justification to spend the money when our kids getting 305 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,790 holidays. No judgement for anyone to 306 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,390 getting it. I just but then I've actually 307 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,680 seen friends get into. I actually don't think I think 308 00:12:56,690 --> 00:12:58,850 they look nice without you know, that's a personal opinion, 309 00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:00,970 right? Yeah, So I was toying with his 310 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,350 hand picked and I was like, because I I really had tried. 311 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,950 I had done like 2-4 week dire things and I've gone, I've gone 312 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,140 to the gym, but I, you know, I was drinking a lot as well. 313 00:13:09,150 --> 00:13:12,480 But I would do hour and a half walks everyday and I struggle so 314 00:13:12,490 --> 00:13:15,260 much with Danielle. 2 sizes smaller than me and I was. 315 00:13:15,310 --> 00:13:17,320 Yeah, I can imagine that's really hard. 316 00:13:17,370 --> 00:13:18,900 Really hard because it's in your face. 317 00:13:18,910 --> 00:13:21,940 Because my body type as well, I was always flat stomach, big 318 00:13:21,950 --> 00:13:24,600 bum, flat stomach, no boobs really. 319 00:13:24,650 --> 00:13:26,260 And that was kind of my body shape. 320 00:13:26,270 --> 00:13:28,100 So I had to kind of learn how to dress differently. 321 00:13:28,110 --> 00:13:29,790 And, you know, it was really, really. 322 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,870 Hard. Do you know what that thing is 323 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,680 still? Well, something that's happening 324 00:13:33,690 --> 00:13:35,660 currently into this day. You know, the way your wardrobes 325 00:13:35,750 --> 00:13:37,230 read. And I'm very basic. 326 00:13:37,270 --> 00:13:39,470 Hmm. The reason I'm basic is, ohh, 327 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:43,350 not only maybe because I've got a little bit of a sensory 328 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,130 sensitivity towards things that are too tight around here or 329 00:13:46,180 --> 00:13:51,380 like the way I look, a lot of it through my teenage years and all 330 00:13:51,390 --> 00:13:55,690 the way up until today is a lot of it is because I am really 331 00:13:55,700 --> 00:13:57,640 particular. If I don't like a tiny little 332 00:13:57,650 --> 00:14:00,770 thing that nobody else might notice, I won't wear that piece 333 00:14:00,780 --> 00:14:04,630 of clothes like that. So I am entirely limited and 334 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,300 it'll not only break my confidence, that makes me really 335 00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:10,380 sad and also really, really angry that I look the way I do. 336 00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:11,850 And this is to this day, that's fascinating. 337 00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:13,350 Would you wear this shirt that I'm wearing now? 338 00:14:14,170 --> 00:14:16,340 Yeah, it's flowy, but I don't think it's a good colour on you. 339 00:14:16,350 --> 00:14:18,700 Washes me out. Okay, right, because I'm fair, 340 00:14:18,710 --> 00:14:20,260 I'm fair haired. Well. 341 00:14:20,270 --> 00:14:21,630 Interestingly, not now, do you know? 342 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,960 Yeah. But like The thing is that I do 343 00:14:23,970 --> 00:14:28,200 still limit myself and it's not because it's not because I'm a 344 00:14:28,210 --> 00:14:33,950 lesbian with no style like them, but it's it's because I'm just 345 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,280 thinking about it. I'm only voicing it right now. 346 00:14:36,350 --> 00:14:38,740 This is this podcast is very cathartic for me. 347 00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:45,670 It's because my sensitivities to appearance more so than my want 348 00:14:45,740 --> 00:14:47,850 to buy new things for myself and try new styles. 349 00:14:47,860 --> 00:14:49,340 Interesting. Yeah OK. 350 00:14:49,350 --> 00:14:53,050 And that takes over. So I think it's the toxic nature 351 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,510 of self loathing and how I appear in the mirror. 352 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,800 Yeah, more than I should. I fucking hate shopping and I 353 00:14:58,810 --> 00:14:59,640 don't want to get. Anything. 354 00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:01,670 Ohh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 355 00:15:01,710 --> 00:15:04,170 I think it comes into that. But also to other people it 356 00:15:04,180 --> 00:15:06,500 seems like an effort thing. Do you know what I mean? 357 00:15:06,510 --> 00:15:07,700 Ohh she's not like she's dressing. 358 00:15:07,710 --> 00:15:08,900 Down. No, I just Casual. 359 00:15:08,910 --> 00:15:11,210 No, I know you. Would yeah, I'm not saying you 360 00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:14,490 would but like, you know if we we've been to a small little 361 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:17,820 event yes and you're wearing makeup and I, I, I appeared in 362 00:15:17,830 --> 00:15:23,610 all black yeah you know and it's also this extremely still very 363 00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:26,400 very presently self-conscious thing totally. 364 00:15:26,470 --> 00:15:28,330 And like when we go back to the Olympic piece, right? 365 00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:30,780 So Alison Spittle. And Theresa Marie had spoken 366 00:15:30,790 --> 00:15:33,340 openly about it, and I hadn't heard this before, but I was 367 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:37,440 talking to somebody about it. Um, after this podcast had 368 00:15:37,450 --> 00:15:41,400 aired, I hadn't listened to it yet and I was saying because I'd 369 00:15:41,410 --> 00:15:44,040 lost so much weight in a short amount of time and my body 370 00:15:44,050 --> 00:15:46,050 started to got trimmer, which I'm delighted about now. 371 00:15:46,060 --> 00:15:49,920 Obviously I kind of got very resentful of people being like, 372 00:15:49,930 --> 00:15:52,010 you look great. You know, you, you look amazing. 373 00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:53,680 Really because I felt. How hard? 374 00:15:53,690 --> 00:15:55,520 Was that because I felt really heartbroken? 375 00:15:55,530 --> 00:15:56,430 No. And it makes sense. 376 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,740 And I've now since heard Allison and Louise both talking about 377 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:04,020 this, Really sad about that woman I was two years ago 378 00:16:04,490 --> 00:16:06,860 because I was struggling massively with my weight. 379 00:16:06,910 --> 00:16:08,840 I was struggling hugely with myself. 380 00:16:08,910 --> 00:16:10,890 Myself. Ohh yeah. 381 00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:14,090 Loathing appearance. And I was nothing wrong with 382 00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:15,850 that. That woman and I, I feel like 383 00:16:15,860 --> 00:16:18,290 losing weight has kind of done her dirty. 384 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,910 It's a strange thing. I've heard them both say that 385 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,810 and I and they both confirmed it. 386 00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:27,390 Like, you know this I don't I feel like I'm kind of like, ohh, 387 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,950 you know, there was that woman was beautiful and I feel bad 388 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,750 when people say you look so great now. 389 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,130 I'm like, what I wouldn't have done for that three years ago. 390 00:16:35,140 --> 00:16:36,620 Do you know what I mean? Everybody's journey is 391 00:16:36,630 --> 00:16:40,510 different, but what we do have that is so the same is the 392 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,590 pressure of needing that has thinking that we need not at 393 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,530 all. And how has it not changed I? 394 00:16:45,540 --> 00:16:48,980 Have absolutely no judgement for anybody who's gone down the 395 00:16:48,990 --> 00:16:51,370 Olympic route. I was very close to me neither I 396 00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:52,490 would be. Worried for the long term 397 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:54,540 effects? That's most of it's been kind of 398 00:16:54,550 --> 00:16:57,610 fear for me, but most that's literally what people fear 399 00:16:57,620 --> 00:16:59,620 mongering bullshit. That's been totally immediately. 400 00:16:59,630 --> 00:17:01,620 I would have people saying to me who don't struggle with their 401 00:17:01,630 --> 00:17:03,310 weight that much. You haven't really been on yo-yo 402 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,329 diets and all this. Why would you do that? 403 00:17:05,339 --> 00:17:07,369 Why would you put that? You have fucking no, like you 404 00:17:07,380 --> 00:17:10,310 don't have a fucking clue. The difficulty I face everyday. 405 00:17:10,319 --> 00:17:13,180 Like I'd have people giving me clothes to put on my that's not 406 00:17:13,190 --> 00:17:15,690 gonna fit me because I would addressed quite well to hide my 407 00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,730 shape a lot and that's not gonna fucking fit me. 408 00:17:17,740 --> 00:17:21,130 Do you know, like I'm in tears a lot of the time and then so much 409 00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:23,940 self loathing and self harm and all the shit that would have 410 00:17:23,950 --> 00:17:25,970 come from really hating where I was. 411 00:17:25,980 --> 00:17:30,420 So I said I was in a good mental place, but but from a physical 412 00:17:30,430 --> 00:17:34,460 and and eating like digestions is whatever, eating badly or 413 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,970 whatever in October. And I said, forget, I'll get a 414 00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:39,790 personal trainer. And if this was American 415 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,520 Airlines Ozempic, I think I always needed a personal trainer 416 00:17:42,530 --> 00:17:45,840 for this cause I can't do it on my own motivation stopping 417 00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:47,460 Actually, it's actually about Laura. 418 00:17:47,470 --> 00:17:48,940 Shut the fuck up because I'd send him. 419 00:17:48,990 --> 00:17:50,450 I have to send pictures once every two weeks. 420 00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,720 I send picture. I'm like, ohh, I don't know if I 421 00:17:52,730 --> 00:17:55,140 got in that. And I actually, and we don't 422 00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:56,060 shut up. That's not the point. 423 00:17:56,070 --> 00:17:58,840 We don't do weighings weighing. I said, I'm not weighing myself, 424 00:17:58,850 --> 00:18:00,600 Davi. I can't because I'm going to be 425 00:18:00,650 --> 00:18:03,970 really obsessive over this now. And so we don't weigh and we 426 00:18:03,980 --> 00:18:06,800 started in measurements and we stopped measuring now because my 427 00:18:06,810 --> 00:18:08,940 backs gotten bigger because I'm doing pull ups and stuff. 428 00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:11,990 But I actually noticed that my stomach puffed out after the 429 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,590 operation, obviously because the swelling. 430 00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:17,770 And I noticed I was starting to get those horrible thoughts back 431 00:18:17,780 --> 00:18:19,110 again. And I was like fuck, fuck, fuck. 432 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,480 I put a bit of fake tan on and my stomach went down a bit and I 433 00:18:21,490 --> 00:18:23,790 just started to kind of go, well, that's just lack of 434 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,250 control. But the misery it brings women, 435 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:29,750 I think if your hair is thinning, if you've got bad 436 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,110 skin, I think I'm, I'm, I think my hair is running. 437 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,950 Follow. You got so much hair, Abbey, 438 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,240 There's no way you could afford to lose half of that. 439 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,010 I know that's not the point. Yeah, I'm noticing. 440 00:18:39,330 --> 00:18:42,070 Like in my hands and in the shower and I never. 441 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,650 Used to my hairdresser says that it just happens once a year. 442 00:18:44,660 --> 00:18:45,210 You'll. Just lose. 443 00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:46,450 Ohh really? Maybe it's just the. 444 00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:47,760 Summer coming in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 445 00:18:47,770 --> 00:18:51,700 Yeah, 1st of May you lose the. Clump yeah, you do and and and 446 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:55,300 Instagram now is crazy for me because it's like yo, all I got 447 00:18:55,310 --> 00:18:59,990 on Instagram is like Tommy control clothes, hair thinning 448 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,510 products, anti ageing, anti ageing, anti ageing all the 449 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,050 time, because I would have engaged with these once once you 450 00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:08,930 know, face mask, anti ageing face mask is also shite. 451 00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:12,350 I mean, I'm not saying that it has beautiful, stunning beauty 452 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,600 products out there like Voya, I'm obsessed with Voya. 453 00:19:14,650 --> 00:19:19,200 But at the end of the day you I could look stunning and like 454 00:19:19,210 --> 00:19:21,980 some of the most stunning. People dying everyday and I 455 00:19:21,990 --> 00:19:24,280 don't use anything. You have really good skin. 456 00:19:24,290 --> 00:19:26,140 Sarah V Yeah, you've really good skin. 457 00:19:26,310 --> 00:19:30,640 I to some people that I would speak to and they are absolutely 458 00:19:30,650 --> 00:19:33,160 beautiful. Beautiful and the shit that 459 00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:34,560 comes out of their mouth about themselves. 460 00:19:34,810 --> 00:19:36,120 I look fat. I look terrible. 461 00:19:36,130 --> 00:19:37,560 I look. I remember there was a photo 462 00:19:37,570 --> 00:19:40,880 being taken me when I was 17. I remember in my bikini I was 463 00:19:40,890 --> 00:19:42,810 tiny and I was beautiful, beautiful. 464 00:19:42,820 --> 00:19:46,040 I long hair in plats and I just looked, I looked healthy young, 465 00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:47,650 you know, fucking 17 year old, whatever. 466 00:19:47,790 --> 00:19:51,560 And I saw that photo about 15 years later and I was like, Oh 467 00:19:51,570 --> 00:19:53,160 my God, I thought I look fat in that photo. 468 00:19:53,170 --> 00:19:55,590 Jolene. Yeah, it's the mindset. 469 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,120 So. So my goal to answer your 470 00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:01,920 question finally is to just be happy in my body. 471 00:20:01,930 --> 00:20:04,740 And if even if that's just not. Thinking about us for a day, 472 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:08,010 Audrey went on a detox diet that was just life changing for her. 473 00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:10,840 She's like, I actually getting energy from, yeah, I actually 474 00:20:10,850 --> 00:20:12,960 have more energy than I did. And she gave up coffee and 475 00:20:12,970 --> 00:20:15,320 everything like that. And to see the pride she added 476 00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:17,640 herself was just fucking unbelievable. 477 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:21,580 And she did, in her really, really healthy way. 74 year old 478 00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:24,590 50, Can I ask you, are you finished your point there? 479 00:20:24,820 --> 00:20:26,860 No, I finish my point. I remember what I was gonna say. 480 00:20:26,870 --> 00:20:32,200 1450 Would you walk in a bikini down great on Main Street? 481 00:20:33,630 --> 00:20:34,940 Ohh yeah cause I don't know anyone. 482 00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:39,250 So you said your your body confident then I wouldn't be 483 00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:41,510 confident? No, I wouldn't be Cellulite. 484 00:20:42,890 --> 00:20:45,780 You. Yeah, I think so. 485 00:20:45,850 --> 00:20:49,920 No, you definitely don't. I no, I don't I'm not sure that 486 00:20:49,930 --> 00:20:52,500 I do. I have like stretch lines from 487 00:20:52,510 --> 00:20:56,410 do you from from my my how big my thighs and my. 488 00:20:56,420 --> 00:20:58,240 Bones, you know what's interesting to me and you always 489 00:20:58,250 --> 00:20:59,940 we we actually have a lot of the same complaints. 490 00:20:59,950 --> 00:21:02,960 I would have thought because I've had two kids like our 491 00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:06,600 complaints would be quite like what different different like, 492 00:21:06,610 --> 00:21:09,200 but I have stretch marks like is your skin isn't baggy, though. 493 00:21:09,210 --> 00:21:12,410 Let me feel your skin you've lovely yeah you're not baggy 494 00:21:12,420 --> 00:21:16,370 skin wait after you have kids in like look at that so if it minds 495 00:21:16,380 --> 00:21:19,960 like kind of like a deflated semi deflated waterbed like your 496 00:21:19,970 --> 00:21:22,190 skin kind of got I was so fucking swollen when I was 497 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:26,270 praying it's like so your water retention changes on yeah and I 498 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:29,000 my feet if I can get the photo under the share it on social 499 00:21:29,010 --> 00:21:30,460 because it's. Like I used to take the piss out 500 00:21:30,470 --> 00:21:31,950 of water. I had like, it was like a 501 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,350 maladies manatee's flippers. And with little novels on top 502 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:35,890 for the. Tiles. 503 00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:37,950 Yeah, it was just little novels and a flip. 504 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,410 Did you have to wear this? Flip flops? 505 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,230 I don't know. Nitrous oxide psychology. 506 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,670 Oh my God, getting those socks on when you're fucking just nine 507 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,940 months. Back now apps, I was an app. 508 00:21:47,950 --> 00:21:49,380 I wasn't manager when I was pregnant. 509 00:21:49,390 --> 00:21:52,080 I was just absolutely. I was so much water retention. 510 00:21:52,090 --> 00:21:53,960 I was just huge and I just didn't give a shit. 511 00:21:53,970 --> 00:21:58,150 And but like, yeah, pregnancy does a number on, you know, it 512 00:21:58,160 --> 00:21:59,890 really does. Like I have a stomach now. 513 00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:02,530 I didn't. Before stress one, yeah, but 514 00:22:02,540 --> 00:22:06,610 like, I think your goal is I think your goal is achievable. 515 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,140 I think my goal is achievable. And I think my I think my 516 00:22:10,150 --> 00:22:13,220 direction in not looking at photos saying, ohh, I used to be 517 00:22:13,230 --> 00:22:14,930 like that. I know because you know you find 518 00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:17,610 yourself pausing and what kind of picking apart. 519 00:22:17,620 --> 00:22:19,550 Ohh, my neck looks different. I know you. 520 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,730 Know, I know and like I think my goal is achievable. 521 00:22:22,790 --> 00:22:27,180 It's I have like down to everything what's going on in 522 00:22:27,190 --> 00:22:32,210 the last 12 months, let's say I just don't not one thing is 523 00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:34,310 consistent apart from the fact that I have to go to work. 524 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,470 And get work done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, on occasion. 525 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:38,890 And shit like this has. Yeah. 526 00:22:38,940 --> 00:22:44,070 So there's no like even with the, we're on holiday. 527 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,750 So even with the gym, I brought my gym stuff was like we were 528 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,430 staying in a hotel for the first while first few days and there 529 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:53,070 was a gym there and I was like, yeah, get up at half 6 now and 530 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:54,710 then. Like something like Jude not 531 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:58,380 sleeping or something like that. It just makes it makes it feel 532 00:22:58,390 --> 00:23:01,030 like it's not meant to happen. You know, I know. 533 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,270 Yeah, I think you have to. Like our or is everyone that 534 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,530 sensitive to little little bumps in the. 535 00:23:06,540 --> 00:23:08,710 Road Would you? Would you ever get plastic 536 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,030 surgery? No, I would. 537 00:23:12,980 --> 00:23:16,690 I'm not Tommy Docking Boblitt. Yeah, Audrey said She I. 538 00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:19,700 See that now? But I haven't and I don't, you 539 00:23:19,710 --> 00:23:22,060 know what I mean, But I, I, but I, I I would like to. 540 00:23:22,070 --> 00:23:23,290 Yeah, like this. This is the. 541 00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:26,070 Dimensions are likes. Just I'm trying we're. 542 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:29,610 Trying to know I'm trying to be okay without thinking it fixed 543 00:23:29,620 --> 00:23:32,480 because like you can't fix the external but like do you have 544 00:23:32,490 --> 00:23:34,620 any kind of embarrassing naked stories or anything? 545 00:23:34,630 --> 00:23:36,990 I have a current fear of like walking through the woods and 546 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,800 being caught, like having a wee with your Bush. 547 00:23:38,810 --> 00:23:44,350 Yeah, people follow. And there was one story about 548 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,070 getting with the next. An ex-girlfriend of mine and I 549 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:49,740 slept over in her house obviously and her bedrooms here 550 00:23:49,750 --> 00:23:51,630 and the door is just across the hallway. 551 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,670 But the the living room was there. 552 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,810 The door was always open. It was like an open plan living 553 00:23:55,820 --> 00:24:00,010 room kitchen apartment situation and didn't know Like I didn't 554 00:24:00,020 --> 00:24:02,370 know she had a housemate never met him before or whatever. 555 00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:05,910 And I was still drunk when I woke up and I slammed the door 556 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,810 open and ran across alway and all that. 557 00:24:08,820 --> 00:24:12,020 He said he just liked turned his head like just a bum. 558 00:24:12,610 --> 00:24:15,830 Ohh, bomb in the doorway before I gone all the way into the 559 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,990 room. While we were talking about the 560 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:21,620 virus, because you know, the virus is generally call for the 561 00:24:21,630 --> 00:24:24,490 bulls Rs section, but my friends were saying, well, then the 562 00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:26,990 virus is on the women. Is that kind of middle managers 563 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,860 the perennial has called. And then we were saying like, 564 00:24:29,870 --> 00:24:32,530 ohh, like the the fear of falling asleep, sleep hungover 565 00:24:32,540 --> 00:24:35,320 at a party, like and like just just the virus hanging out and 566 00:24:35,330 --> 00:24:36,950 someone someone coming in and on. 567 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:41,040 No, not virus. Ohh no. 568 00:24:41,050 --> 00:24:44,500 Cause I can't Fergal has as a thing where he's like he was in 569 00:24:44,510 --> 00:24:47,520 an apart like they shared an apartment on a J1 and he went 570 00:24:47,530 --> 00:24:49,920 into the bathroom was like okay I've got a pair knickers here 571 00:24:49,930 --> 00:24:53,060 Sunnyside up situation. Ohh gosh. 572 00:24:53,310 --> 00:24:57,860 Sunnyside that's like that. Actually I did. 573 00:24:57,870 --> 00:25:01,700 I did a gynaecologist real about 3 weeks ago now and one thing 574 00:25:01,710 --> 00:25:04,350 that was commented commenting on what's that? 575 00:25:04,970 --> 00:25:06,920 That they, you know, the gynaecology so. 576 00:25:06,930 --> 00:25:10,440 No, the funny side off yeah, you're like ohh, God, the we did 577 00:25:10,490 --> 00:25:12,320 the gynaecology and loads of people were likely the thing 578 00:25:12,330 --> 00:25:14,340 about the knickers like you kind of like you're putting your 579 00:25:14,350 --> 00:25:17,260 folding your knickers up. But yeah, Oh my God, actually, 580 00:25:17,270 --> 00:25:18,400 sorry. Very funny story. 581 00:25:18,410 --> 00:25:21,560 And myself and I were living with my dads were about 20-2 at 582 00:25:21,570 --> 00:25:25,100 the time and we've big back garden that's slightly elevated 583 00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:27,730 the conservatives out in the back and you can see into the 584 00:25:27,740 --> 00:25:29,860 garden and with two dogs, the time that used to always run 585 00:25:29,870 --> 00:25:32,620 around in the garden and Danielle was up in bed. 586 00:25:32,970 --> 00:25:37,790 So it's so funny looking bad and the two dogs running around the 587 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,700 show. Yeah, I know. 588 00:25:39,710 --> 00:25:43,360 Sorry, Jack, sorry. But Dan's in bed. 589 00:25:43,370 --> 00:25:48,040 And the, the, the there's a family in from Dad's church. 590 00:25:48,050 --> 00:25:51,160 Like they'd come back from the church and dancers just heard 591 00:25:51,690 --> 00:25:53,590 the dog's barking at the back. And then she just heard the 592 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,700 mother of the family being like, oh, look at that. 593 00:25:55,710 --> 00:25:57,460 What is that? What is that weed dog having his 594 00:25:57,470 --> 00:25:58,820 mouth? And they all looked out the back 595 00:25:58,830 --> 00:26:03,210 and he had a pair for dirty knickers used to go in just 596 00:26:03,220 --> 00:26:09,030 like, yeah, yeah, running around for soil because he's they used 597 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,190 to get into our knickers. And then they they'd come out 598 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,410 and they did. They did you right through the 599 00:26:13,420 --> 00:26:18,820 customs. It's like you've ruined by. 600 00:26:18,830 --> 00:26:21,820 Going the asshole. Baby were 350 ones in pennies. 601 00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:23,800 They weren't the fucking one. Euro ones and pennies. 602 00:26:23,810 --> 00:26:25,980 You ruined them. Mingling around, but the numbers 603 00:26:25,990 --> 00:26:29,050 are fucking disgusting. Yeah, and what's your 604 00:26:29,060 --> 00:26:33,450 relationship with food like now? Probably not the healthiest it 605 00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:34,880 could be. Do you like binge? 606 00:26:35,710 --> 00:26:38,620 I when I was in the hospital, I was like, I'd go and get a 607 00:26:38,630 --> 00:26:39,320 package. You can freak. 608 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,340 Yeah, chicken frequency in the hospital. 609 00:26:41,350 --> 00:26:42,630 Fucking hell that was. Delicious. 610 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,430 OHH 3 portions. Please have a good relationship 611 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,680 with food now I think I. Think I do not. 612 00:26:46,830 --> 00:26:48,310 Do you know? Cause you just don't. 613 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:49,380 You don't. You don't. 614 00:26:49,390 --> 00:26:52,100 You are yourself until. There's no off button when it. 615 00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:54,270 Comes to eating How was your spice bag yesterday? 616 00:26:54,370 --> 00:26:58,380 Awful, disappointing remorse. Yeah, I did have that. 617 00:26:58,390 --> 00:27:03,000 Yes, I do enter the cinema and I gorged on jellies and I only 618 00:27:03,010 --> 00:27:05,710 have remorses certain time of the month all the way through. 619 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:09,790 I can, I can, I can, like, talk those bad thoughts away. 620 00:27:09,860 --> 00:27:14,650 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think food is Food is 621 00:27:14,660 --> 00:27:18,380 like serves. You, you eat to live, don't you? 622 00:27:18,390 --> 00:27:19,800 You don't live to eat. I'm the opposite. 623 00:27:19,810 --> 00:27:21,360 Yeah. And I do love cooking. 624 00:27:21,370 --> 00:27:24,120 You see, I love baking. Was gaslighting myself for so 625 00:27:24,130 --> 00:27:25,760 fucking long about the love for cooking. 626 00:27:25,850 --> 00:27:26,780 That's bullshit. I hate. 627 00:27:26,890 --> 00:27:28,690 I fucking hate. Cooking, but you know, like. 628 00:27:28,930 --> 00:27:31,180 You know I would eat things out of the pot, not even bother 629 00:27:31,190 --> 00:27:32,660 taking. A plate out or like doing a 630 00:27:32,670 --> 00:27:35,300 whole ceremonious would sitting down with a glass of wine. 631 00:27:35,310 --> 00:27:38,220 I just have 3 lunches and that would be you know talking with 632 00:27:38,230 --> 00:27:40,900 me. I used to cook like if I was 633 00:27:40,910 --> 00:27:43,720 making a Curry it would have been steeping for five hours. 634 00:27:43,730 --> 00:27:46,110 Like I work from home, so it would be like slow cooking for 635 00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:50,710 five hours and then I would have like literally flatbreads in the 636 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:54,150 pan and coriander and butter. And I would do it in between 637 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:55,490 meetings and stuff. But like slow cooking. 638 00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:58,490 But, and then it would be so condensed between half five and 639 00:27:58,500 --> 00:28:00,190 half six or seven would be eating. 640 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:04,360 I would be running myself ragged in the kitchen to do this. 641 00:28:04,370 --> 00:28:07,110 And then I do a story on it on, on on social media. 642 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:09,060 And it was just this people pleaser thing. 643 00:28:09,070 --> 00:28:11,060 It was just this again. It was really, definitely an 644 00:28:11,070 --> 00:28:13,610 adaptive. But I also knowing you this and 645 00:28:13,620 --> 00:28:15,820 having been over to your house where you put on a fantastic 646 00:28:15,830 --> 00:28:20,210 spread of a chicken, um, and some packet ham packet Fordham 647 00:28:20,260 --> 00:28:22,930 and what else was there? There was beautiful salads. 648 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:27,670 Chicken was absolutely stunning. But I, I feel, I feel because I 649 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:31,230 know these back stories to you, I feel that there is an inherent 650 00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:35,490 connection with trauma and cooking. 651 00:28:35,730 --> 00:28:38,890 Yeah, possibly that hasn't separated itself yet because I 652 00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:41,030 know you do everything with purpose and in a real rush. 653 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:42,630 Yeah. But I think that there is 654 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:45,230 something and I feel I could be wrong. 655 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:47,590 I don't know if you've ever analysed no drink. 656 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,790 It's drink. So I wouldn't because you don't, 657 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,110 because you don't have the drink. 658 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:54,610 Now that there's something still no negative. 659 00:28:54,620 --> 00:28:57,440 No, you're still, you're close. So I would have, it would have 660 00:28:57,450 --> 00:28:58,580 been a good excuse for me to drink. 661 00:28:58,660 --> 00:29:00,690 If I was cooking while I'm cooking, I would drink. 662 00:29:00,700 --> 00:29:03,080 So that's so it was like I'm getting away from the kids. 663 00:29:03,090 --> 00:29:04,740 I'm getting away from work. Leave my anxiety. 664 00:29:04,750 --> 00:29:06,040 I was able to put my headphones in. 665 00:29:06,050 --> 00:29:07,480 I have a glass of wine and I cook. 666 00:29:07,530 --> 00:29:10,100 So the meals would invariably get more elaborate because the 667 00:29:10,110 --> 00:29:12,860 more elaborate they were and then there's a long pole, the 668 00:29:12,870 --> 00:29:15,520 longer you could have time to spend doing that. 669 00:29:15,530 --> 00:29:18,040 When I came back from the hospital my first dinner time 670 00:29:18,050 --> 00:29:21,180 with the kids, I sat down. I freaking out physically 671 00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:23,820 shaking. Now I had made something like a 672 00:29:23,830 --> 00:29:26,700 fucking lasagna, something very, very, very straight forward or 673 00:29:26,710 --> 00:29:28,790 was it even a take away? I don't remember, but I was 674 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:31,020 physically shaking, shaking for two hours. 675 00:29:31,030 --> 00:29:32,700 I was like forgot I can't I can't relax. 676 00:29:32,710 --> 00:29:34,390 So he said, look, then we were like. 677 00:29:34,630 --> 00:29:36,860 Life after Before the dinner or during? 678 00:29:37,250 --> 00:29:40,710 Before, during and after because it was such a pressure point for 679 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,820 me because the kids were screaming launching into strand. 680 00:29:43,830 --> 00:29:48,430 You have to provide but but put needless pressure under my arm 681 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:52,180 myself for I put myself under needless pressure for just 682 00:29:52,190 --> 00:29:55,300 making this stupid. And so now I make very simple 683 00:29:55,310 --> 00:29:57,340 meals. I do bake and actually baking 684 00:29:57,350 --> 00:29:59,480 for me yourself. Custard thing was fucking. 685 00:29:59,490 --> 00:30:00,900 Amazing. I love baking because baking 686 00:30:00,910 --> 00:30:02,460 has. Now I don't have to bake. 687 00:30:02,470 --> 00:30:05,070 I only bake because I choose where dinner time is coming at 688 00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:06,910 7:00. Have to make it, you know, it's 689 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,020 really stressful time. The kids are just in the door 690 00:30:09,030 --> 00:30:10,080 from school. They are stressed. 691 00:30:10,090 --> 00:30:13,000 I'm stressed, stupid, like. Now I'm making fish fingers and 692 00:30:13,010 --> 00:30:15,670 waffles. I make meatballs or you know, I 693 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,690 make nice stuff, but very simple Curry, meatballs, chicken, 694 00:30:18,700 --> 00:30:22,270 chorizo, really simple things. And that feels like an act of 695 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:23,940 self-care to me. Um. 696 00:30:23,950 --> 00:30:25,330 Ohh, so you have kind of changed it. 697 00:30:25,340 --> 00:30:27,570 And I've totally changed it. Like so you came up for lunch, 698 00:30:27,580 --> 00:30:28,950 you order came for lunch and we had. 699 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:31,890 Chicken. But like for other people, not 700 00:30:31,900 --> 00:30:34,110 just your family, that totally kind of changes the tone. 701 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:35,790 However, you guys came up for lunch. 702 00:30:35,970 --> 00:30:38,810 It would have been something much bigger that would have been 703 00:30:38,820 --> 00:30:42,340 like a Curry and a, you know, or like a traveller. 704 00:30:42,350 --> 00:30:45,430 It would have been fun and the extravagance then pie and blah, 705 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:47,690 blah. Extravagance is then connected 706 00:30:47,700 --> 00:30:49,070 to the thing that was so traumatic. 707 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:50,790 Wow. Yeah, that's fucking great. 708 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:53,050 Hard with you. When you came up, it was cold 709 00:30:53,060 --> 00:30:56,490 cut salad and rolls and cheese. Like that was a that a very 710 00:30:56,500 --> 00:30:57,810 fucked up. My eyes closed. 711 00:30:57,820 --> 00:30:59,970 I mean, that was a very you thought it was lovely. 712 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:02,390 I just put chicken in the oven. I mean, that was actually never 713 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:04,310 put in the oven. Yeah, that's bizarre. 714 00:31:04,770 --> 00:31:07,990 Everybody's completely the rest. But look, I think, I think. 715 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,070 I do cook a mean steak though. I think it is. 716 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:11,850 I think we need to. You thought I was vegan cause 717 00:31:11,860 --> 00:31:13,290 I'm a lesbian? I did. 718 00:31:13,300 --> 00:31:14,570 I didn't know. Yeah, I did. 719 00:31:14,700 --> 00:31:16,670 And it was channel stereo. More tunnels. 720 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:17,930 I really. Yeah, tunnels are kind of. 721 00:31:17,940 --> 00:31:19,350 Conceded to me again the other day. 722 00:31:20,710 --> 00:31:22,600 The vegan Archer. Yeah, this one's definitely 723 00:31:22,610 --> 00:31:25,630 there. And to round it off, I think you 724 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:28,040 know all these things when it comes to image eating, how we 725 00:31:28,050 --> 00:31:31,430 treat our bodies, how we, how we Polish our bodies for other 726 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:33,430 people. I think I think really it comes 727 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:37,340 down to try trying to ensure you're doing the right reasons. 728 00:31:37,350 --> 00:31:39,530 And that's and that's hard. And that that is something 729 00:31:39,540 --> 00:31:42,180 that's going to take time. Are you baking this because you 730 00:31:42,190 --> 00:31:44,820 need validation? Are you baking this? 731 00:31:44,830 --> 00:31:46,410 Are you eating gonna be delicious? 732 00:31:46,420 --> 00:31:48,940 Are you eating this because you're feeding something that 733 00:31:48,950 --> 00:31:51,210 really needs to be fed? Are you are you not eating that 734 00:31:51,220 --> 00:31:52,620 because you're starving yourself? 735 00:31:52,690 --> 00:31:54,740 Are you putting that lipstick on because you think it'll cheer 736 00:31:54,750 --> 00:31:55,860 you up? Are you putting lipstick on 737 00:31:55,870 --> 00:31:57,390 because you think society needs. I think we need to. 738 00:31:57,400 --> 00:32:00,140 And yeah, like that is an exhausting part of womanhood is 739 00:32:00,150 --> 00:32:02,920 that we need to examine this part choices we make and go. 740 00:32:02,930 --> 00:32:04,560 Is this the right reason? Because unfortunately, as 741 00:32:04,570 --> 00:32:08,580 millennials who grew up as women in the 90s and 2000s, yeah, we 742 00:32:08,590 --> 00:32:10,720 were conditioned a certain way and I would fucking unwire 743 00:32:10,730 --> 00:32:14,760 ourselves and do it again. But I think, yeah, that's what 744 00:32:14,770 --> 00:32:17,160 I'm doing these days anyway. Yeah, me too. 745 00:32:17,250 --> 00:32:20,340 I just like, I don't know. I just still trying to figure 746 00:32:20,350 --> 00:32:23,960 out it's all, it's all a model in my head because like I'm just 747 00:32:23,970 --> 00:32:28,500 like a lot of, well, with the, like a lot of dietary things I 748 00:32:28,510 --> 00:32:31,620 know could become better, which would then in turn make me 749 00:32:31,630 --> 00:32:34,860 become more confident, which then in turn would make me more 750 00:32:34,870 --> 00:32:36,530 motivated to go to the gym. Yeah. 751 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:41,170 But I just find that especially having a DHD and a bad version 752 00:32:41,180 --> 00:32:46,350 of it, the X-rated version, um, it's everything is all so 753 00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:49,390 tangled that if I get into something like I went three 754 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:52,770 days, 3-4 days in a row, 630 like as I said previously, and 755 00:32:52,780 --> 00:32:57,240 you were like, wow, well done. I knew as it started, it wasn't 756 00:32:57,250 --> 00:32:59,290 the last long. And that's disappointing for me 757 00:32:59,300 --> 00:33:02,350 because I'm a perpetual cycle and this can apply to every, 758 00:33:02,610 --> 00:33:05,510 every area of my life and the sensitivities towards clothes 759 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:09,080 and appearance more of a fear. So I'm disappointed in myself 760 00:33:09,090 --> 00:33:11,440 for letting that take over. You know what I mean? 761 00:33:11,450 --> 00:33:13,190 So it's more like that's a much deeper thing. 762 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:14,050 It's not. It's not. 763 00:33:14,060 --> 00:33:15,390 It's not pushed out for other people. 764 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:17,070 It's like all internals. Yeah. 765 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:18,610 Yeah, yeah. And I'm only realising that now. 766 00:33:18,660 --> 00:33:20,150 Yeah. Which is awesome. 767 00:33:20,220 --> 00:33:21,870 Good session. So I can work on it then. 768 00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:22,770 Good session. Have you? 769 00:33:22,780 --> 00:33:24,030 OK. So next week we'll be talking 770 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:27,570 about haircuts. Yeah, that, that was. 771 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:29,980 Yeah, it is. It is actually interesting. 772 00:33:29,990 --> 00:33:31,970 Didn't think when we started this topic, I didn't think we'd 773 00:33:31,980 --> 00:33:35,320 get so much mental health and emotion involved in it, but it 774 00:33:35,330 --> 00:33:38,000 really is. Yeah, you. 775 00:33:38,010 --> 00:33:38,640 Bye.