1 00:00:00,090 --> 00:00:02,600 Hello, in this week's episode we're going to be discussing 2 00:00:02,610 --> 00:00:05,400 Fanny Flaps. Straight jackets And is there a 3 00:00:05,410 --> 00:00:07,000 helpline for normal people? I'm not sure. 4 00:00:07,010 --> 00:00:08,620 Actually, I don't know. Hope so. 5 00:00:08,670 --> 00:00:12,160 Slow, slow down. We're going to talk about the 6 00:00:12,170 --> 00:00:13,680 massive slow down. You know what I mean? 7 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,610 Ohh. Hello, hello, hello. 8 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:27,810 How's it hanging? Ohh, how are you helping to yet 9 00:00:27,820 --> 00:00:31,150 another yet another episode of Alright? 10 00:00:31,290 --> 00:00:35,100 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking back, it's going to be 11 00:00:35,110 --> 00:00:36,470 back. Laura, it is going to be back, 12 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,030 although we were sick. And we start. 13 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,230 Ohh yeah, we were. Ohh God I like we did. 14 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,430 We couldn't have given it to each other because we didn't see 15 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,340 each other. We both got the same thing at 16 00:00:44,350 --> 00:00:47,000 the same time and we went down. And if we had, I would have 17 00:00:47,010 --> 00:00:49,470 coughed on your pillow anyway to make sure you had gotten most 18 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:50,690 likely anyway. Secretly. 19 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:55,740 Secretly secreted. Ohh, nasty. 20 00:00:55,790 --> 00:00:57,780 I was out in Wexford at our holiday. 21 00:00:57,790 --> 00:00:59,370 Got it. And you were supposed to come up 22 00:00:59,380 --> 00:01:01,060 with odds and shoot and you didn't? 23 00:01:01,130 --> 00:01:04,010 Yeah, because you were too sick. Ranger, thanks for that. 24 00:01:04,209 --> 00:01:06,480 No worries about it. But Speaking of, Speaking of, 25 00:01:06,550 --> 00:01:09,240 you know, a low energy and all that you were telling me about 26 00:01:09,250 --> 00:01:11,920 your Chinese flaps that you do every morning. 27 00:01:11,930 --> 00:01:14,580 On your flaps every morning, it's to drain the lymphatic 28 00:01:14,590 --> 00:01:17,000 system and to get your metabolism going. 29 00:01:17,070 --> 00:01:20,290 Fuck knows what it's done for me, but I feel after that I've 30 00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:23,780 done it's like 60 seconds of doing vigorous flapping. 31 00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:26,970 Before we get into that, I just want to point out that you 32 00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:29,300 messaged me. I'd say once a day, if not maybe 33 00:01:29,310 --> 00:01:32,070 once every two days. Know about something, some some 34 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:33,630 massive thing that you've unlocked. 35 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,370 Like I'm feeling great now. Whether it's, but this is our, 36 00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:38,630 this is going to be our. Highs and lows. 37 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:43,230 But this is going to be our relationship for the rest single 38 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,020 week you're going to. Get a. 39 00:01:45,030 --> 00:01:47,840 Revelation. I started skateboarding, I broke 40 00:01:47,850 --> 00:01:50,420 my knee. I'm now sick and I can't believe 41 00:01:50,430 --> 00:01:52,020 it. It's raining like. 42 00:01:52,830 --> 00:01:57,170 This with the rain yesterday. A video note of the rain. 43 00:01:57,180 --> 00:02:00,670 Sitting in my car, contemplating not walking my dogs and feeling 44 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,670 guilty about being at bad dog mom like I. 45 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:06,630 Know I'll video video no Laura and show me the Fanny flaps are 46 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,650 Chinese flaps because you were saying. 47 00:02:10,660 --> 00:02:12,950 Earlier cause she's sitting there. 48 00:02:13,260 --> 00:02:16,650 Okay, Katie is now behind. Can I just say hi, Katie? 49 00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:22,970 Hello, can I just point out that I'm very near to my ADHD 50 00:02:22,980 --> 00:02:25,150 diagnosis? Yes, and for all the people 51 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:28,690 listening, you're maybe going to hear a different me when I'm 52 00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:31,950 medicated do you think? I'm very excited about the pre 53 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:36,490 and post what this does for me. But yeah, it'll definitely, I 54 00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:38,910 think it might stop me disassociating when you're 55 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,430 talking. I don't know if this is Tony or 56 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,210 voice. I don't know if it's the subject 57 00:02:42,220 --> 00:02:42,990 matter. Lovely. 58 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,270 But guys, I can't help myself. Do you want to see some flaps? 59 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,970 Okay, Lexie, now. Okay, right, yeah, there we go. 60 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,000 That's it. That's it, right? 61 00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:55,930 That's for 60 seconds and then you do like this called. 62 00:02:55,940 --> 00:02:58,170 McGregor Ohh yeah yeah fucking yeah. 63 00:02:58,180 --> 00:02:59,610 Kind of slacking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 64 00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:02,030 Walking down the street and then a couple of other those things. 65 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,330 I don't know if I want to start my morning thinking of Conor 66 00:03:04,340 --> 00:03:06,500 McGregor. We do, yeah, but like you don't 67 00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:09,610 even call it something else. Call it call it dead ARM, call 68 00:03:09,620 --> 00:03:12,490 it a stranger. Yeah, the blow up helium guy, 69 00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:15,340 you know the one, the garage. Ohh, I'm obsessed with that. 70 00:03:15,350 --> 00:03:20,260 The waving wacky waving inflatable woman now bringing 71 00:03:20,270 --> 00:03:22,800 you back, bringing you in, centering you talking about your 72 00:03:22,810 --> 00:03:24,090 ADHD. So you are close. 73 00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:27,770 So so. Focused Laura for. 3 stages of 74 00:03:27,780 --> 00:03:30,690 ADHD is there. There's an internal initial 75 00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:33,870 interview, secondary interview. Really expensive too. 76 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,010 Yeah. I think it'll be good for me and 77 00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:40,270 I think that I'm finding like, as I said in a previous episode 78 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,360 that I find it, I'm finding it way more difficult to mask. 79 00:03:43,370 --> 00:03:48,090 So brain fog is 1, attention span is another, temper is 80 00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:50,070 another. And it's just like all these 81 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,840 things that you should be able to keep in check. 82 00:03:51,850 --> 00:03:54,310 But I'm just, it's completely and entirely out of my control. 83 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,570 And it's not just irrational time of the month or anything 84 00:03:56,580 --> 00:03:58,320 like that. It's day-to-day. 85 00:03:58,430 --> 00:04:00,030 And a lot during the podcast is all. 86 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:05,110 I think it's been very cathartic for me because like, I'm like #1 87 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,120 realising about my memory is all the way throughout my life. 88 00:04:08,130 --> 00:04:10,120 I don't even know when my earliest memories there's 89 00:04:10,170 --> 00:04:14,340 there's no like there's no pinpoints of like, wow, that was 90 00:04:14,350 --> 00:04:16,360 just such a thing. And it's more and more becoming 91 00:04:16,370 --> 00:04:18,160 more and more recent. So it's like. 92 00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:21,130 I'm, I'm, I'm realising that I'm losing a lot more than I thought 93 00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:23,980 that I had. And that's a huge, uh, symptom. 94 00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:27,980 Like so fertile wants to get diagnosed for ADHD and the only 95 00:04:27,990 --> 00:04:31,240 reason he wants to do it is for medication because he's the 96 00:04:31,250 --> 00:04:33,250 same. He for his very forgetful, the 97 00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:35,460 tempers in check. I mean, he's fine, fine, fine. 98 00:04:35,470 --> 00:04:38,050 And, and then all of a sudden he's, he's not fine. 99 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,350 You know, he's crossed or he's, he's pissed off about something. 100 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:44,190 And I'm like, that's two days ago and, and, and, and just like 101 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,470 I'd have to say to him, and it's happened in front of people, I'd 102 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,490 be like, are you listening to me fairly listening to me and 103 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:50,990 people like, whoa, she's a bit of a bitch. 104 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,930 And I'm like no, no. And he have to say no she's like 105 00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:56,210 I'm not I. Wasn't I literally wasn't, but I 106 00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:58,770 like I also said the Audrey Audrey just recently got a 107 00:04:58,780 --> 00:05:01,170 diagnosis of autism and. ADHD. 108 00:05:01,180 --> 00:05:02,150 That's amazing. That's. 109 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,870 Huge for us and we are having epiphanies everyday of the week 110 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,490 now because I'm just like, wow, what I used to be is just like 111 00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:11,810 when you when you actually realise is you forgive yourself. 112 00:05:11,820 --> 00:05:16,060 There's a little bit of loss there and the guy I even my 113 00:05:16,070 --> 00:05:18,320 therapist was like, how do you feel about your diagnosis coming 114 00:05:18,330 --> 00:05:18,810 up? Because you. 115 00:05:18,820 --> 00:05:21,150 Kind let's, let's be honest, I kind of know. 116 00:05:21,290 --> 00:05:23,960 I was like, I'm excited. And she was like, oh, as, like, 117 00:05:23,970 --> 00:05:26,340 most people are really sad because when they get their 118 00:05:26,350 --> 00:05:29,390 diagnosis, there's this huge loss of the person that was 119 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,180 misunderstood and all like, you know, I, as I talked about my, 120 00:05:32,270 --> 00:05:35,860 my, my childhood or my teenagers that weren't that easy. 121 00:05:35,910 --> 00:05:39,020 But like, I'm really looking forward to it because I've 122 00:05:39,030 --> 00:05:43,320 accepted it as a superpower. Like I'm I'm far more noticeably 123 00:05:43,370 --> 00:05:47,160 hyperactive or those big things that Fergal is a lot of the time 124 00:05:47,170 --> 00:05:49,850 as well that she's just not, even though she's just being 125 00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:51,380 diagnosed. It comes out in different ways. 126 00:05:51,390 --> 00:05:54,420 It's more internalised. Mine is like doing the Chinese 127 00:05:54,430 --> 00:05:58,350 flaps randomly and like, you know, or like as I said before, 128 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,630 like walking away mid conversation but not knowing 129 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,850 that I was supposed to be paying attention and then being like 130 00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:05,960 thought I was rude or negligent for getting birthdays. 131 00:06:06,110 --> 00:06:07,940 All of this. And it's just like it's not a 132 00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:09,860 quirky thing anymore. It's just like I'm not the 133 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,570 scatty friend anymore. I got all. 134 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:14,290 This fucking pressure now cause I'm a mother it's funny because 135 00:06:14,370 --> 00:06:18,510 we we talked about this at some point that my psychologist 136 00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:21,600 suspect I have ADHD but brought on from a traumatic. 137 00:06:21,610 --> 00:06:24,610 So do by the way, childhood. Yeah, I mean, like I'm scatty, 138 00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:28,830 I'm hyperactive I'm I can be very forgetful at times, but 139 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,130 you're very immediately energy matching whether you want to be 140 00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:34,080 or not Yeah, yeah, and that's uncontrolled that's 141 00:06:34,090 --> 00:06:37,610 uncontrollable, but I don't it doesn't inhibit my life. 142 00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:39,470 We said this in the first episode actually doesn't inhibit 143 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,630 my life when I look at Fargo, when I look at you and actually 144 00:06:41,710 --> 00:06:44,520 I think you're great by the way, because you have harness. 145 00:06:44,710 --> 00:06:46,380 I'm gonna cry think you're fabulous. 146 00:06:46,810 --> 00:06:50,240 You've harnessed the ADHD energy and you've put it into your 147 00:06:50,250 --> 00:06:52,100 business. You've put it into, you know, 148 00:06:52,190 --> 00:06:55,480 having Jude like having this relationship with Audrey, all 149 00:06:55,490 --> 00:06:58,420 the buying a house, building a studio, doing a podcast, doing 150 00:06:58,430 --> 00:07:01,050 your social media, You've really harnessed that and and that and 151 00:07:01,060 --> 00:07:04,240 I have seen that in other people in ADHD when they can kind of. 152 00:07:04,470 --> 00:07:07,300 But I think they like the two of us. 153 00:07:07,420 --> 00:07:11,020 You're the management. Well, yeah, fucking scatty. 154 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:13,550 Tag along, he said. That's what I mean, my identity 155 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,150 has to be different but. That's what I think about it 156 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,530 because even like before we started today I was just like 157 00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:19,850 ohh must be confusing being friends or being attached to 158 00:07:19,860 --> 00:07:21,910 cause another friend of mine was just like just answered the 159 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,120 phone. She's like you don't even have 160 00:07:23,130 --> 00:07:24,710 to do stuff, just answer the phone if you can. 161 00:07:24,940 --> 00:07:26,280 And I asked her how she felt. About it. 162 00:07:26,290 --> 00:07:29,370 And she was just like, yeah, but like my son's, you know, about 163 00:07:29,380 --> 00:07:30,950 to get a diagnosis. He's 7. 164 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,750 She was like, I can see there's a conflict of personalities 165 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,020 there. It's not as like they're butting 166 00:07:37,030 --> 00:07:40,130 heads, but something that you don't, you can't relate to very 167 00:07:40,140 --> 00:07:43,810 directly and it's unreliable. And that's, that's, that's part 168 00:07:43,820 --> 00:07:46,360 of the self loathing and that's part of the late diagnosis is I 169 00:07:46,370 --> 00:07:48,590 want to fix this and be the best that I can. 170 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,820 And if there's anything that will keep me in check, including 171 00:07:50,830 --> 00:07:52,930 coffee, then put me on the fucking upwards. 172 00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:57,020 Like I think whether it's ADHD with me or not, or just, you 173 00:07:57,030 --> 00:08:00,200 know, fucked up childhood or whatever it is, I think you and 174 00:08:00,210 --> 00:08:02,400 I have a lot of commonalities. And the fact that we find it 175 00:08:02,410 --> 00:08:04,810 really hard to slow down. Like we were literally talking 176 00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:09,320 about this because we were both sick last week and we were both 177 00:08:09,330 --> 00:08:12,280 talking about the hell of it, you know, the hell of being sick 178 00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:13,960 Because I'm like, that's it. That's me for life. 179 00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:17,300 Now I'm I'm not going to be able to go to the gym anymore and my 180 00:08:17,310 --> 00:08:19,160 work is going to fire. The gym, the one thing. 181 00:08:19,170 --> 00:08:23,580 That got gym was big because in my head the guy was like if I 182 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,190 stopped going to the gym, then I'll put on weight. 183 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,860 And if I put on weight then I'll get depressed. 184 00:08:26,870 --> 00:08:29,060 And if I get depressed then I'll go back to the hospital and I go 185 00:08:29,070 --> 00:08:31,000 back to the hospital, maybe I'll start drinking again. 186 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,390 And it goes like old inspired, inspired, which was stupid and I 187 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,190 knew it. I spoke to my therapist about it 188 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,890 but. I'll stop yourself. 189 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,669 Talking to people, talking to people and playing like just 190 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:45,060 practising be it's okay to slow down. 191 00:08:45,070 --> 00:08:47,570 It's okay to slow down. But you and I have both lived 192 00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:50,560 lives. I think maybe it's ADHD, maybe 193 00:08:50,570 --> 00:08:53,060 it's traumatic stuff in our past, maybe it's just who we 194 00:08:53,070 --> 00:08:53,860 are. I don't know. 195 00:08:54,010 --> 00:08:57,910 We've both lived lives that have been chaotic and fast. 196 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,440 But it would always have your mind racing cause you're like 197 00:09:00,450 --> 00:09:02,350 you're trying to, you're trying to fix everything that's 198 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,170 entirely out of your control all the time. 199 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,070 And that's like an impossibility. 200 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:08,430 But like, we're so hard set on actually achieving it. 201 00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:10,450 Like where Impatient. I'm very impatient. 202 00:09:10,460 --> 00:09:12,360 I don't even. I've only noticed the delusion 203 00:09:12,370 --> 00:09:17,410 in the last, I'd say 2 years of my life fusion of being able to 204 00:09:17,420 --> 00:09:19,800 keep up with that, the delusion of comparing yourself to other 205 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:22,240 people and they're great that we're functioning at, and the 206 00:09:22,250 --> 00:09:23,720 delusion of not being able to slow down. 207 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,360 Like, you know, ohh, yeah. You know, like if someone, if 208 00:09:26,370 --> 00:09:28,560 you take on something else, say for example the podcast, we can 209 00:09:28,570 --> 00:09:31,200 use it as a structure, like a new thing to both of us. 210 00:09:31,550 --> 00:09:35,300 If you're adding something, do normal people normal? 211 00:09:35,310 --> 00:09:37,000 There's no normal, normal doesn't exist. 212 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,340 No offence to you. If you are normal, normal and 213 00:09:39,350 --> 00:09:41,690 there's a, there's a, there's a helpline down the end of the end 214 00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:46,360 of the end, there's a W um, so like, you know, like where, 215 00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:49,600 where is the normal that you like, didn't do people usually 216 00:09:49,650 --> 00:09:52,140 add something and subtract something to make space for 217 00:09:52,150 --> 00:09:54,500 that? Or do they pile it on top until 218 00:09:54,510 --> 00:09:56,010 they can? I know this. 219 00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:57,540 Yeah. So I kind of wasn't sure. 220 00:09:57,550 --> 00:10:00,160 I wasn't sure there for a minute, but now I know because I 221 00:10:00,170 --> 00:10:03,290 was having a conversation with my personal trainer during the 222 00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,590 week. Of my therapist and the two of 223 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,400 them were like you need to slow down Laura because my life kind 224 00:10:08,410 --> 00:10:11,650 of ramped up right I was in hospital last year everything 225 00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:14,190 was to be paired back my. Tonsil infection. 226 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:19,580 Something looked at now my head. Master disappearing. 227 00:10:19,590 --> 00:10:24,480 No, we'll get into that. They know my flats are not 228 00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:26,590 disappearing. Fuck's sake. 229 00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:29,650 Don't put that in my head. I don't want me to say 230 00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:30,310 something. I don't. 231 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,400 I said Fanny flaps already because you said about 16. 232 00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:37,030 Scottish lads. Filled filled merchant. 233 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,210 Just so we're about to open up at the hospital. 234 00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:41,330 Fucking start with full disappearing. 235 00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:45,420 She was in the psychiatric. I was in gastric hospital London 236 00:10:45,430 --> 00:10:47,840 and it was absolutely amazing, but hellish as well. 237 00:10:47,850 --> 00:10:49,860 And you know, it did lots of things however, and I'll get, I 238 00:10:49,870 --> 00:10:53,690 will get into it later, but um, since then, you know, it's been 239 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,590 very slow, slow steps and learn, trying to learn and question 240 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,310 everything before I do, what do I want to do this? 241 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,210 Can I do this? Do I have to have the capacity 242 00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,770 making sure enough people in my life know that this is what I'm 243 00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:06,530 going through? So, you know, like people close 244 00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:11,680 to me in work or close friends and have a little drink. 245 00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:17,550 Just things like, um, you know, like friends who might may not 246 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,390 see, they understand. I'm just not really seeing 247 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,510 anyone right now. That kind of thing. 248 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:24,830 Anyway, I was, I was being to my life has come up to full speed 249 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,570 again, the podcast, all the stuff we were doing this week, 250 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,340 all the stuff we were doing last week. 251 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,430 And so that's kind of the extra stuff. 252 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,090 Then work was really, really busy. 253 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:34,690 The kids. I've just been very, very 254 00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:37,230 challenging for various different reasons. 255 00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:40,090 Fergus stressed, but trying. We're thinking about moving 256 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,590 house. So life is and I was kind of 257 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,890 thinking, but how the fuck do I slow down? 258 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:46,970 Like, and I for how how do I do this? 259 00:11:46,980 --> 00:11:49,890 How do I slow down? Because the kids are still the 260 00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:51,130 kids, the house, still the house. 261 00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:53,570 I still need to make money. So the podcast is the only kind 262 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,890 of thing that's without and then I'm like, no, fuck that, because 263 00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:59,330 this is kind of my self-care. Like this is I like doing this 264 00:11:59,340 --> 00:12:01,890 is fun for me and you, you know? Yeah, we're not doing it for you 265 00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:03,370 guys out there. We're doing it for ourselves. 266 00:12:03,380 --> 00:12:05,370 This is our therapy. This is a selfish. 267 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:10,650 And so I got to thinking about my career and how I was on this 268 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:15,530 race track for my whole life to be the most successful person I 269 00:12:15,540 --> 00:12:18,670 could be because my dad was very successful. 270 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,930 And validation, external validation, 100%. 271 00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:24,860 I need to prove that I am something to somebody, whether 272 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,710 that's monetary or pat on the back or kudos was always about 273 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,190 how do I how do I become the best I started. 274 00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:34,320 Interject I have a question. I'm gonna forget it if I don't 275 00:12:34,330 --> 00:12:38,910 pop it in right here. Do you think that when this 276 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,290 might seem like an obvious question. 277 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:44,610 So do you think the slowest you've ever moved was when you 278 00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:47,820 were really badly suffering and in a bad place, or do you still 279 00:12:47,830 --> 00:12:51,290 think that it was fast and you were just, oh, you were just 280 00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:53,250 mean expending the energy differently? 281 00:12:53,260 --> 00:12:55,270 No. So the fastest I moved. 282 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:59,950 So I started in very quickly, started acting, went into TV and 283 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:04,310 film, went into my, had my own company, organic, organic beauty 284 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:07,910 brand company, then went into Peoria, then went into events, 285 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,480 you know, or some people have a job for 30 years and are very 286 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,150 happy. With that one job and I couldn't 287 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,350 and I was like and then went into events, then went into 288 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:18,020 brand side and now a marketing manager and and then I I 289 00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:20,980 couldn't stop there. I had to take on a job at much 290 00:13:20,990 --> 00:13:23,240 bigger job. It was doing 2 people's roles in 291 00:13:23,250 --> 00:13:27,570 the last year in the, the, the, the year 2024 when I was doing 292 00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:30,630 one job managing the UK, one job managing Ireland for the 293 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:37,070 marketing part of the job and I completely burnt myself out. 294 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,930 I was not moving slowly, I wasn't stopping. 295 00:13:39,940 --> 00:13:43,150 I couldn't, I couldn't go walk anywhere without headphones 296 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,510 listening to audio book or sending a voice note or sending 297 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,060 a team's note. I was having meetings on in the 298 00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:50,330 taxi on the way to the airport and people were messaging me 299 00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:52,610 being like oh so lovely. Travelling all the time. 300 00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:54,630 I was like, I'm dead. I was travelling every week. 301 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,850 I'd be over and back to London, Helsinki, Poland. 302 00:13:56,860 --> 00:14:00,270 It was burnt out. You're diving into it at the 303 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:03,530 most fastest. Rate, Oh my God, I would for 304 00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:06,180 some reason, like I was doing a bit of Instagram then and it was 305 00:14:06,190 --> 00:14:09,150 like for some reason put it upon myself to make fucking feasts 306 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,620 every night. I'd like, you know, not only 307 00:14:10,630 --> 00:14:12,580 Bolognese that I have to be like homemade Ferrero. 308 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:13,670 Roche. Yeah, I. 309 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,520 Don't mind if I do. Homemade garlic bread and 310 00:14:16,530 --> 00:14:19,620 homemade salads and then video myself cooking it and then put 311 00:14:19,630 --> 00:14:22,930 it up and, and I, I just the absolute. 312 00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:25,440 And then of course came the wine because like, okay, wine will 313 00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:27,970 slow me down. Wine is my reward because that's 314 00:14:27,980 --> 00:14:29,640 the only thing that's slow me down and you? 315 00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:32,010 Know Did Fergal think you're moving? 316 00:14:32,020 --> 00:14:33,450 Fast. Ohh, you effective? 317 00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:35,030 Yeah. But he was so used to see when 318 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,710 when we got together. Yeah, I, I had post Natal 319 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,990 depression. So he was like, he was talking 320 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,450 to his friend and he was like his friend, his friend, his 321 00:14:44,460 --> 00:14:46,360 friend's partner actually had post Natal depression. 322 00:14:46,370 --> 00:14:48,530 And the two of them were just blind leading the blind. 323 00:14:48,590 --> 00:14:51,110 This is what happens when they have kids. 324 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,510 They just go a bit mad. So Fergal kind of started in a 325 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:55,980 bad place with me, you know, Or me. 326 00:14:55,990 --> 00:14:58,870 In a bad place. It was kind of turbulent anyway. 327 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:00,750 I was so good at kind of justifying it. 328 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,410 I remember my counsellor at the time telling me to slow down. 329 00:15:03,580 --> 00:15:06,350 My therapist, she just needs to slow down. 330 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,410 I remember how how, and in my head, taking a step back from 331 00:15:09,420 --> 00:15:12,120 the job wasn't an option. You know, not doing the 332 00:15:12,130 --> 00:15:14,230 ridiculous meals. I'd be walking and doing 333 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,830 therapy, walking like I did not stop. 334 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:19,100 And it was burning me out, burning me out, burning me out 335 00:15:19,110 --> 00:15:24,620 slowly until all I had was 100% chaos, mania, stress and 336 00:15:24,630 --> 00:15:26,120 drinking to kind of slow me down. 337 00:15:26,130 --> 00:15:27,540 And that was it. I was moving from one to the 338 00:15:27,550 --> 00:15:28,870 other, one to the other, one to the other. 339 00:15:28,910 --> 00:15:29,420 And that's. Why? 340 00:15:29,430 --> 00:15:33,300 I think I do know you maybe have ADHD because you yeah, a lot of 341 00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:36,040 people go to the substances thing just to feel normal. 342 00:15:36,050 --> 00:15:38,640 It's not like to feel drunk. It's literally just to go. 343 00:15:39,010 --> 00:15:42,220 Now, this is, you know, your brain is getting a break. 344 00:15:42,430 --> 00:15:45,730 And but like, I think that I go into, I've been told by so many 345 00:15:45,740 --> 00:15:49,780 people, including my therapist and including friends, that a 346 00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:51,500 lot is happening all of the time. 347 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,590 Like, you know. What do you mean? 348 00:15:53,670 --> 00:15:55,640 You. Yeah, and I, I get into this 349 00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:58,980 defensive mode as in like, do you did you become? 350 00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:00,680 Ohh like what are what are you talking about? 351 00:16:00,690 --> 00:16:03,000 I'm doing everything right. I'm doing everything the way I 352 00:16:03,010 --> 00:16:04,500 need. To do I wouldn't argue the right 353 00:16:04,510 --> 00:16:07,700 thing, but I would argue like ohh sure, loads of people sure. 354 00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:10,780 You know, I work for myself. I can take hours when I need 355 00:16:10,790 --> 00:16:14,060 like lots of people work 9:00 to 5:00 Monday to Friday, which is 356 00:16:14,070 --> 00:16:17,880 just it would be incapacitating to me to to to arrive at a door 357 00:16:17,890 --> 00:16:21,340 at the right time, have my lunch breaks at the exact same time 358 00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:23,740 everyday, get paid into my bank account at the same time every 359 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,870 week. The structure there is just not 360 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,950 for me. But I did, I think that in the 361 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:32,890 slow down topic of things that I do, I think that we me 362 00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:35,670 certainly, I just became defensive about it because it 363 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:39,310 was just like I the masking thing and trying to prove 364 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,470 myself, but it was only to myself. 365 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,010 It wasn't. I wasn't trying to tell them 366 00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:46,120 that they were wrong. I was just like, sure, loads of 367 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,810 people have a lot more going on than I do. 368 00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:49,650 Loads of like, for example, I've used you. 369 00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:51,610 I said Laura has two kids, not one. 370 00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:54,390 You know, you got the little 2 little doggies, you got a cat. 371 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,680 Yeah, You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's all 372 00:16:56,690 --> 00:16:59,110 comparative. And I think, I think, I think, I 373 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:04,690 think my downfall certainly is that comparatively speaking, I 374 00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:08,140 think it's something personal that we can't, we're not, we're 375 00:17:08,150 --> 00:17:11,329 not in a place to compare. Because there's no point. 376 00:17:11,369 --> 00:17:13,790 No, it's, but it's all relative like, I mean, and you know, you 377 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,630 know, like it's, it's definitely not. 378 00:17:16,020 --> 00:17:19,869 I, I wonder. So for me, I, I know because 379 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,569 after everything happened, and I'll get into that just in a 380 00:17:22,579 --> 00:17:24,770 minute now, but what the hospital and going into the 381 00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:27,690 hospital and stuff. But after everything happened, I 382 00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:30,100 did need to figure out who was trying to prove stuff too. 383 00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:33,820 And it was things like my dad, my childhood self, everybody 384 00:17:33,830 --> 00:17:36,120 around me, I needed everybody. My mum walked out when we were 385 00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:38,120 four. So that happening kind of had a 386 00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:42,860 big massive impact on my, my psyche and, and development 387 00:17:42,870 --> 00:17:44,960 there. And so I was all, I've always 388 00:17:44,970 --> 00:17:48,120 been looking for somebody to approve of me because. 389 00:17:48,190 --> 00:17:53,360 On your on your worth and. Your place in life by yourself 390 00:17:53,370 --> 00:17:55,150 and that that was one of my maladaptive behaviours. 391 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,510 I need to recognise that because I would always turn around like 392 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,630 you with the defensiveness and be like, but you're like, I'm 393 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,930 making food. Like just do, do people not want 394 00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:04,110 to eat? Like, you know what I mean? 395 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,100 Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But of course, mate, but I'm 396 00:18:06,110 --> 00:18:07,320 making money. This is a job. 397 00:18:07,330 --> 00:18:09,490 I'm like, you know, fucking society's put this pressure on 398 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,720 me as a woman to go out and work and mind the kids and do that, 399 00:18:11,730 --> 00:18:13,100 you know. So just there's some people. 400 00:18:13,110 --> 00:18:15,410 Nap during the day. Yeah, yeah, ohh yeah. 401 00:18:15,420 --> 00:18:16,910 Fergal naps all the time during the day. 402 00:18:18,340 --> 00:18:19,940 Look what you did. But now I'm like legend. 403 00:18:19,950 --> 00:18:22,400 He's practising self-care because you get so in his head 404 00:18:22,410 --> 00:18:23,820 watching a movie. The guilt. 405 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,350 So that's the other thing, the guilt. 406 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:28,450 I still. Talks after Farmington on the 407 00:18:28,460 --> 00:18:30,900 floor, Jude. Put himself I'd be I'll be 408 00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:33,360 sitting there and I'd be looking at a skirting board going 409 00:18:33,370 --> 00:18:36,100 filthy, Cheerios under the table filthy. 410 00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:39,010 What's the most random shit that you've decided to do the second 411 00:18:39,020 --> 00:18:41,950 you need to go out the door? Oh my God. 412 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,810 And mine was cleaning under the cooker knobs. 413 00:18:46,180 --> 00:18:48,150 Just quickly do that now before the. 414 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,090 Yeah, before we have to go. Yeah, I think. 415 00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,720 On the on the. Button I lifted the Blues, 416 00:18:52,730 --> 00:18:55,290 lifted the couch, moved it across and started getting the 417 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:59,500 shit out under the couch. But like the frantic amazing to 418 00:18:59,510 --> 00:19:04,700 do that thing, like Oh my So yeah, just slow down, Laura, 419 00:19:04,870 --> 00:19:07,100 take load. Off and I actually load off now 420 00:19:07,110 --> 00:19:11,370 when you said that just there, I actually got prickly like us, 421 00:19:11,380 --> 00:19:13,680 like I'm so sick of people talking slow down because I 422 00:19:13,690 --> 00:19:16,010 don't know how to slow down. Look, if I don't do it, nobody 423 00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:18,010 else will. So I got to this point in 424 00:19:18,020 --> 00:19:22,410 October 2024 where I was a ball of anxiety. 425 00:19:22,420 --> 00:19:24,210 I was drinking to calm myself down. 426 00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:28,020 I was really, really dark thoughts going on in my head, 427 00:19:28,030 --> 00:19:30,800 very, very, very anxious. And the panic attacks were 428 00:19:30,810 --> 00:19:33,420 coming back. And I knew that one's panic 429 00:19:33,430 --> 00:19:36,070 attacks started to come back. I remember it's a dark place. 430 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,620 I just was like, okay, I'm not happy about something in my 431 00:19:38,630 --> 00:19:39,870 life. What could it be? 432 00:19:39,930 --> 00:19:41,520 But you know, of course, I'm live, you're living in it. 433 00:19:41,530 --> 00:19:43,150 So you don't see the wood for the trees. 434 00:19:43,190 --> 00:19:46,460 And I remember getting on an aeroplane and just thinking, 435 00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:51,950 it's kind of funny just thinking what if I shit myself? 436 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,670 My God, I was like, what if I need? 437 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,670 What if I need to shit and I can't Cause you know the way 438 00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,580 when the door when the plane pulls out from? 439 00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:02,810 The solution to all problems? Shooting yourself on a plane? 440 00:20:02,820 --> 00:20:04,810 It is, yeah, involving everybody. 441 00:20:04,820 --> 00:20:06,990 Else snakes on a plane, but it's just messy. 442 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,750 No, it's fine for the pretzels, please. 443 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,930 Just getting. A little bit of water and a 444 00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:15,310 vomit bag. Just something just some sort of 445 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:18,610 talcum powder just swallow might cement everything. 446 00:20:18,780 --> 00:20:21,130 No, I was I was like I was on the plane and I, you know, in 447 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:23,200 the plane pulls out. You can't own can get up here 448 00:20:23,210 --> 00:20:27,630 and I was playing right now because now lock in, lock in. 449 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,770 Stop my. Mind is an important part of the 450 00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:33,180 story they want to hear. Angry kittens are of God, but 451 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,420 that's a Bill Bailey quote by the. 452 00:20:34,430 --> 00:20:40,260 Way I was on a plane sandwiched between one another, another one 453 00:20:40,270 --> 00:20:45,430 another one there no. Hey, sorry about the little 454 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,150 things. You can't wait for the. 455 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,090 Ritalin, go on. I can't tap into my being 456 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:51,580 worried you are my funny anymore. 457 00:20:51,590 --> 00:20:53,600 Yeah. Ohh yeah, that's really good, 458 00:20:53,610 --> 00:21:00,780 Laura. Oh my Yes sorry I was on a plane 459 00:21:01,290 --> 00:21:04,180 worried is gonna shit myself. Ohh. 460 00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:05,700 My God. Just one. 461 00:21:05,710 --> 00:21:10,440 More Yeah Katie don't laugh and encourage her so I don't know 462 00:21:10,450 --> 00:21:13,650 crying with laughter on a plane where is where is going to shit 463 00:21:13,660 --> 00:21:15,640 myself and I was like, what do I do? 464 00:21:15,650 --> 00:21:17,340 I can't go swish, can't get up, can't move. 465 00:21:17,350 --> 00:21:19,890 Two people's beside me had a massive panic attack and I was 466 00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:21,140 like do. You need to poo though. 467 00:21:21,190 --> 00:21:22,640 No, what? I was just like, what if I was 468 00:21:22,650 --> 00:21:23,230 just? Stupid. 469 00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,160 Yeah, yeah, I got you and and I was just like got really huge 470 00:21:26,170 --> 00:21:28,860 panic attack and for four to 5 minutes I just practising CBT 471 00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,780 just for I and I just like pounding heart. 472 00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:34,150 Grabbed my 2 colleagues after it burst into tears, went to the 473 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:37,960 boots, got calms, went into my manager in the office in in the 474 00:21:37,970 --> 00:21:40,630 UK and just said I cannot do this UK job. 475 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,560 The more I just can't do it. But the damage had been done at 476 00:21:43,570 --> 00:21:46,640 that point and all the maladaptive behaviours more than 477 00:21:46,650 --> 00:21:49,400 just burning myself out and drinking and it was just there 478 00:21:49,410 --> 00:21:52,340 was so much toxicity in my head. I was a shell of myself. 479 00:21:52,410 --> 00:21:55,510 Kind of got through Christmas, limped through the first couple 480 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:59,120 of weeks in January and then I don't remember fell flat on your 481 00:21:59,130 --> 00:22:00,420 face. I don't, I actually don't 482 00:22:00,430 --> 00:22:02,160 remember. I remember calling my manager 483 00:22:02,170 --> 00:22:03,420 saying something's happened in my head. 484 00:22:03,430 --> 00:22:07,220 I don't know what's going on. I just, it was just terror, 485 00:22:07,270 --> 00:22:10,000 fear. I can't function. 486 00:22:10,010 --> 00:22:12,960 I don't like very, very dark thoughts. 487 00:22:13,010 --> 00:22:15,780 Yeah. And I was calling all the help 488 00:22:15,790 --> 00:22:18,700 lines, so you can imagine where I was going with that. 489 00:22:18,990 --> 00:22:23,590 Then it got to a point where things were escalated and I 490 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:27,150 needed to go into special care. So I'm not going to go into 491 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,000 cause I don't want you to triggery for people. 492 00:22:29,010 --> 00:22:31,090 Why did you commit yourself or did someone? 493 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:34,090 Else I admitted myself because I knew my my dad had been in and 494 00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:36,400 out for years. So I kind of knew the system, 495 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,570 but I remember sitting and talking to the doctor and and 496 00:22:39,580 --> 00:22:41,890 just being like, I need to go in somewhere. 497 00:22:41,950 --> 00:22:43,680 This is things have gotten dangerous. 498 00:22:43,690 --> 00:22:49,930 Things have gotten like, you know, lethal at this point and 499 00:22:49,940 --> 00:22:54,670 um, you will obviously include helpline numbers and stuff like 500 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:57,490 that underneath because I know this is very dark topic talking 501 00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,490 about in a comedy podcast, but you know, it gets better and 502 00:23:00,500 --> 00:23:03,330 makes on a plane. And if you want to listen back. 503 00:23:03,420 --> 00:23:07,010 And shitting yourself playing as well trust you. 504 00:23:07,380 --> 00:23:09,470 So. So yes, I was talking to the 505 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,790 doctor telling her about like, yeah, drinking too much. 506 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:16,870 My head is spinning and spending like 10 days waiting to go into 507 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,370 special care. I didn't know it was going in 508 00:23:18,380 --> 00:23:20,780 special care then yes, I am. I I got in. 509 00:23:20,790 --> 00:23:21,980 They told me it's going to special care. 510 00:23:21,990 --> 00:23:26,220 Special care is like no chords, no phones, they take my 511 00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:30,150 drawstring skirt away from me and very quiet. 24 hours 512 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,740 surveillance. Every 15 minutes searching the 513 00:23:32,750 --> 00:23:34,710 room. But I was relieved. 514 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,390 Like, as soon as I get in, there I go. 515 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,670 My God, what do I do here? Like, you know, like I can't go 516 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:40,880 into the garden. There's no garden. 517 00:23:40,890 --> 00:23:42,220 Yourself. In your head. 518 00:23:42,230 --> 00:23:46,310 There was no phones try and read a book, but I was relieved. 519 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,490 I was like, okay, actually actually have to own up to the 520 00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:50,110 fact that I have been doing this all wrong. 521 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,280 I have. I actually have to slow down. 522 00:23:52,340 --> 00:23:53,680 I have to do what they're telling me. 523 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:54,510 Please. Yeah, I. 524 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:57,640 Don't really fucking scary and terrifying and felt like, you 525 00:23:57,650 --> 00:23:59,780 know, when you're trying to swim without armbands for the first 526 00:23:59,790 --> 00:24:02,200 time we're, you know, bike without stabilisers. 527 00:24:02,210 --> 00:24:05,030 Putting them on my legs and my the top of my body went through 528 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,490 was about four years. Old you put armbands on your 529 00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:08,840 legs. Jumped into a pool, but I 530 00:24:08,850 --> 00:24:12,760 thought I needed them this way. My body just went and my legs 531 00:24:12,770 --> 00:24:14,900 were up. Yeah, I was drowning. 532 00:24:14,910 --> 00:24:17,920 My mother jumped in to save. Me okay so that's nice analogy I 533 00:24:17,930 --> 00:24:20,560 was had been trying to stop my whole life that's how I thought 534 00:24:20,570 --> 00:24:22,110 I. Was going they don't go on your 535 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,420 feet. And at all, Yes, and I, 536 00:24:23,430 --> 00:24:25,260 metaphorically. You know that you're learning 537 00:24:25,270 --> 00:24:27,090 German bands. Exactly. 538 00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:28,930 Fair play. I love how I'm talking about my 539 00:24:28,940 --> 00:24:31,810 massive nervous breakdown and you're just getting getting in. 540 00:24:31,820 --> 00:24:33,670 With one time I nearly drowned when I was. 541 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,660 Four Well, actually when we come back to my own, my shoes are 542 00:24:36,670 --> 00:24:38,890 more important to you. So yeah. 543 00:24:38,900 --> 00:24:41,070 So look, it was it was 5 weeks in. 544 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,970 I wasn't in special care for all of us. 545 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,530 Some very funny characters in there. 546 00:24:44,540 --> 00:24:46,370 So absolutely amazing characters in there. 547 00:24:46,380 --> 00:24:48,970 I met a woman who was suffering from post Natal depression. 548 00:24:49,460 --> 00:24:51,150 I'm still very good friends there now. 549 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,700 And it was amazing for me because because I was able to 550 00:24:53,710 --> 00:24:55,630 kind of go, ohh, shit, that's what I had and that's what you 551 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,180 know, And it was just it for the first time in my. 552 00:24:58,190 --> 00:25:00,600 Life like a lunch queue because what are you in for? 553 00:25:00,690 --> 00:25:02,760 Kate, you kind of wonder, you wouldn't say what are you in 554 00:25:02,770 --> 00:25:04,220 for? Because especially in special 555 00:25:04,230 --> 00:25:06,300 care, people don't want to talk. To you if I'm being. 556 00:25:06,310 --> 00:25:08,920 Like you kind of can tell. I mean, there's like there was 1 557 00:25:08,930 --> 00:25:11,980 lad one night we were all having sat tea and sandwiches and I 558 00:25:12,020 --> 00:25:14,660 just walked up the tea tray. And so it best guy in the world. 559 00:25:14,670 --> 00:25:17,000 He was just up doing a Michael Flatley jig and everyone was 560 00:25:17,010 --> 00:25:20,240 just silently just watching him. And I was like, yeah, special 561 00:25:20,250 --> 00:25:20,860 care. That's. 562 00:25:21,670 --> 00:25:23,730 Fucking awesome. But it was there was loads of 563 00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:27,840 legends and what I loved about was once you get over the 1st 24 564 00:25:27,850 --> 00:25:30,360 hours, you're ohh, everyone's mad in here. 565 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:33,150 Then you're like, well, firstly, I'm in here so you know, But 566 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,420 then you also go actually outside somewhere terrifying 567 00:25:35,430 --> 00:25:37,840 because that's people mask and that's where people are not 568 00:25:37,850 --> 00:25:40,120 slowing down and not on their all practising their adaptive 569 00:25:40,130 --> 00:25:41,390 behaviours. And they're also okay with 570 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,930 everything and actually in the hospital where people are trying 571 00:25:43,940 --> 00:25:45,950 to fucking own their shit and. Delegates themselves. 572 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,610 The chance and they talk about it or they're relief of people 573 00:25:48,620 --> 00:25:50,570 talking about a group therapy therapy. 574 00:25:50,580 --> 00:25:54,040 It just they're relief of going I I haven't got this and being 575 00:25:54,050 --> 00:25:57,180 able to say finally the running has stopped the finally okay I 576 00:25:57,190 --> 00:26:00,300 actually know what I do need to give up drinking know what I do. 577 00:26:00,310 --> 00:26:02,540 I do need to put myself first. I hate it. 578 00:26:02,550 --> 00:26:04,540 I had to go out for the kids for like 5 weeks. 579 00:26:04,550 --> 00:26:06,640 It was hell and I felt so guilty. 580 00:26:06,650 --> 00:26:08,720 Imagine the guilt. Yeah, I was going to ask you 581 00:26:08,730 --> 00:26:11,410 about that. It was really, really hard And 582 00:26:11,420 --> 00:26:14,560 but I mean, they loved coming in, going run around screaming, 583 00:26:14,630 --> 00:26:17,550 shouting, all the patients, you know, hanging out, hanging out 584 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:21,200 of the bed is like, but like, but I have people came in to 585 00:26:21,210 --> 00:26:22,780 visit me. They'd be like, you know, face 586 00:26:22,790 --> 00:26:24,690 on them and they came in and I'd be showing them around and 587 00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:26,610 they're like, oh, this is actually really nice. 588 00:26:26,620 --> 00:26:28,270 Like this is like, you know, little treat centre. 589 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:29,730 And I'm like, yeah, it's, it's it's course. 590 00:26:29,810 --> 00:26:31,430 Yeah, yeah. And they'd be like that. 591 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,110 They'd be expecting to visit me at the bedside. 592 00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:35,180 And one flew over the cookies nest, which is not like, at all. 593 00:26:35,190 --> 00:26:37,850 It's, it was, it was incredibly healing so. 594 00:26:37,900 --> 00:26:40,770 Yeah, I think that there's like this stigma and also because 595 00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:43,850 we're millennial, huge stigma and also because a lot of the 596 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:48,380 mental institutions have bars on their windows and Hollywood when 597 00:26:48,390 --> 00:26:50,450 they're place. Yeah, in Hollywood and there was 598 00:26:50,460 --> 00:26:54,310 places of not so humane treatment and there is. 599 00:26:54,460 --> 00:26:58,110 Look, I was in a private hospital, so it was it was an 600 00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:01,300 incredible hospital and people, the staff were unbelievable in 601 00:27:01,310 --> 00:27:03,060 there. But, and I'm not saying I'm not 602 00:27:03,070 --> 00:27:04,930 going to, my experience was a good one. 603 00:27:04,940 --> 00:27:06,670 Do you know what I mean? I'm not saying that. 604 00:27:06,740 --> 00:27:09,620 One has a good experience. I'm sorry if my my my jokes and 605 00:27:09,630 --> 00:27:12,240 my gags came across as insensitive to anyone out there. 606 00:27:12,250 --> 00:27:13,890 I'm just. Saying to me, so I'm just 607 00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:14,760 listening. I'm not. 608 00:27:14,770 --> 00:27:15,940 You're just. No, I'm offended. 609 00:27:15,950 --> 00:27:18,080 No, actually, no, sorry. No, you're just eavesdropping. 610 00:27:18,150 --> 00:27:20,360 It's actually me and Laura told me to each other, so it's. 611 00:27:20,370 --> 00:27:23,940 Your fault and I'm offended, so I'll blame it on the weatherman. 612 00:27:23,990 --> 00:27:27,700 I'll dial into the fucking nightmare. 613 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:34,440 I think I still struggle today with the fact that I went into a 614 00:27:34,450 --> 00:27:36,030 mental hospital. Do you know what I mean? 615 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,180 Like I was, I was a year. Me very freely and openly. 616 00:27:39,190 --> 00:27:40,780 Which was? Lovely idea I knew you wouldn't 617 00:27:40,790 --> 00:27:43,770 care you have that vibe right Yeah and I kind of am trying to 618 00:27:43,780 --> 00:27:46,110 be open about it I don't go into too much details I've a lot of 619 00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,720 people were learning a lot of new stuff there but um, because. 620 00:27:49,730 --> 00:27:51,990 It's like this thing that you have to like, take a deep breath 621 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,620 before you say. No, because I really don't want 622 00:27:54,670 --> 00:27:55,700 to. It's like living with his 623 00:27:55,710 --> 00:27:57,270 autism. And I'm not comparing the two. 624 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:58,980 I'm just like, I don't want there to be a stigma. 625 00:27:58,990 --> 00:28:03,020 I don't want people to feel like if they're struggling that this 626 00:28:03,030 --> 00:28:05,880 is something to be ashamed of. And so I'm, I'm very happy to be 627 00:28:05,890 --> 00:28:11,580 very open about us and. I know coming from the family 628 00:28:11,590 --> 00:28:15,340 that you came from and like, you know, like brushing everything 629 00:28:15,350 --> 00:28:16,940 under the rug and. The But we didn't. 630 00:28:16,950 --> 00:28:19,520 We were kind of all hung loose with the family, to be honest, 631 00:28:19,530 --> 00:28:21,360 like it was. Yeah, but like you grew up 632 00:28:21,370 --> 00:28:22,840 around and you didn't feel great about it. 633 00:28:22,850 --> 00:28:26,190 No, like that's the thing. Like I think when I was having 634 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:28,860 my panic attacks when I was 19, we talked about this couple 635 00:28:28,870 --> 00:28:32,220 episodes ago. Um, that's when I was so 636 00:28:32,230 --> 00:28:34,080 panicked that nobody, like nobody else knew. 637 00:28:34,090 --> 00:28:36,060 And the more people would say, oh, I'm very anxious. 638 00:28:36,070 --> 00:28:37,800 I'd be like, ohh, God, the relief of someone saying that. 639 00:28:37,810 --> 00:28:40,120 And the more I would talk about, ohh, it's hard having kids on 640 00:28:40,130 --> 00:28:42,520 social media. And I would get followers 641 00:28:42,570 --> 00:28:45,200 saying, to me, it's such a relief that you're being real 642 00:28:45,210 --> 00:28:47,290 about this because it makes me feel like less of a shit mother 643 00:28:47,300 --> 00:28:49,960 or whatever it is, you know? So when I spoke about it, I 644 00:28:49,970 --> 00:28:53,320 think I spoke about just on New Year's Eve on social media and 645 00:28:53,330 --> 00:28:55,500 was open about it and saying like, look, you know, I was in 646 00:28:55,510 --> 00:28:58,120 hospital this year. There was a lot of messages of 647 00:28:58,130 --> 00:28:58,990 support. Yeah, fine. 648 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:00,140 That's not what I was looking for. 649 00:29:00,150 --> 00:29:02,590 Um, not in a mean way, but I just, I wanted people to know 650 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,280 that it's okay not to be okay. And really the most important 651 00:29:05,290 --> 00:29:07,550 thing is to please be sound to yourself, Be sound yourself. 652 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:10,520 And unfortunately, yes, for people like us, slow down. 653 00:29:10,970 --> 00:29:13,490 Yeah. I still don't like, I still 654 00:29:13,500 --> 00:29:17,870 can't quite grasp the concept of slowing down and replacing stuff 655 00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:22,290 or taking stuff away because the the having to do it. 656 00:29:22,300 --> 00:29:24,290 It's like this important. Maybe, I don't know, it's an 657 00:29:24,300 --> 00:29:25,810 ADHD. Maybe it's a personality thing, 658 00:29:25,820 --> 00:29:29,150 as you said, but it's, it's such an impulse, but it happens so 659 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:30,600 naturally. And it's like, you know what I 660 00:29:30,610 --> 00:29:32,890 said about the 8 seconds before you react? 661 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:39,350 It's like it's like it there's something pushing you down like 662 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,010 it's it's like right on top of you. 663 00:29:41,020 --> 00:29:43,050 But the next thing comes too fast. 664 00:29:43,100 --> 00:29:46,050 But like normal people can go. Yeah, they like there's a list 665 00:29:46,060 --> 00:29:47,770 like, you know, you get up, you have your breakfast. 666 00:29:47,780 --> 00:29:49,510 The breakfast is the first thing on the list. 667 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,670 Maybe you workout is on the next thing on the list. 668 00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:53,890 Dishwashers, dishwashers next. And. 669 00:29:53,900 --> 00:29:55,930 You think you're feeling panicked by the To Do List. 670 00:29:55,940 --> 00:29:57,530 Is that what? You're saying by the list of 671 00:29:57,540 --> 00:30:00,490 perpetual things being dumped on top, but this is everyday. 672 00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:03,790 It's like the whole the whole concept of like having to feed 673 00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:08,290 myself everyday. I eat, I don't I eat to live. 674 00:30:08,300 --> 00:30:13,090 I don't live east so if I'm hyper focusing on a project or 675 00:30:13,100 --> 00:30:15,170 creating I won't eat or wear or do. 676 00:30:15,180 --> 00:30:16,190 Anything. Yeah. 677 00:30:16,260 --> 00:30:17,250 And having drinks. Ohh. 678 00:30:17,260 --> 00:30:19,800 My God, having kids is a living. Breathing cause he drank. 679 00:30:19,810 --> 00:30:21,430 And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 680 00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:24,410 Yeah, like, you know, and obviously I'm locked in on that 681 00:30:24,420 --> 00:30:27,550 and I'm not an excellent mother by any means, but like, do you 682 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:30,170 know what I mean about that? It's just like it's like 683 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:34,900 everyday is a new set. Of I know, I know that seems and 684 00:30:34,910 --> 00:30:39,060 that's what I'm learning. I'm learning to yes, exactly the 685 00:30:39,070 --> 00:30:41,250 catastrophic thinking and that was huge like in the last 10 686 00:30:41,260 --> 00:30:43,230 years of my life and especially with kids. 687 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:44,770 But that's where I'm learning to just go home. 688 00:30:44,780 --> 00:30:47,010 My God, slow the fuck down and try and find the good things. 689 00:30:47,020 --> 00:30:49,230 And we all say one of the things I didn't like about hospital 690 00:30:50,870 --> 00:30:53,940 some, which is why your sandwiches always so shifty like 691 00:30:53,950 --> 00:30:57,430 so shifty margarine, eggs, Albarino enemy now without 692 00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:58,830 beers. Yeah, I wouldn't. 693 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:00,280 I wouldn't go for that. But it's an onion. 694 00:31:00,290 --> 00:31:02,540 So much fucking onion. Onion in. 695 00:31:03,300 --> 00:31:05,790 The Irish favourite of funeral. Ohh it does. 696 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:06,890 Yeah. Triangles. 697 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:08,240 What the fuck is wrong with you people? 698 00:31:08,290 --> 00:31:09,500 And onions? What? 699 00:31:10,050 --> 00:31:12,480 Why I like would you eat a raw onion now? 700 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:15,430 No, what have you cooked? Cooked. 701 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:17,910 Thank you. I get heartburn by my age. 702 00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:20,120 It's not about heartburn. It's fucking disgusting, 703 00:31:20,130 --> 00:31:23,990 overpowering, stinking, and like you can imagine now I'm sorry 704 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,490 but in a psychiatric ward, people eating. 705 00:31:26,580 --> 00:31:28,390 Onions. Onion and egg sandwiches. 706 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,310 Hello, would you like to come and eat an onion with me? 707 00:31:33,290 --> 00:31:36,960 I just need to have a one to one the shoulder to carry on. 708 00:31:37,170 --> 00:31:39,540 He was committed after sandwiches and tea, please. 709 00:31:40,230 --> 00:31:42,970 Ohh, Ron and tea. Just like eating like an apple. 710 00:31:43,090 --> 00:31:47,190 So I think like if I am too impart some wisdom to you 711 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:49,290 because you because you haven't had the meltdown, the big 712 00:31:49,300 --> 00:31:51,730 massive breakdown, because I did have the turbulent years and 713 00:31:51,740 --> 00:31:53,780 unfortunately had the crash, because I think that was the 714 00:31:53,790 --> 00:31:55,070 only way I was ever gonna fucking learn. 715 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:59,950 It will be just be saying to yourself think, don't think what 716 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,370 would anyone else do? Just think what do I need now 717 00:32:02,380 --> 00:32:04,030 and and? What is the quickest fix? 718 00:32:04,110 --> 00:32:06,750 Okay, if I could ask you one question, what is the quickest 719 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:10,700 fix to the when the self loathing creeps in and you're 720 00:32:10,710 --> 00:32:12,970 blaming yourself for all the things that you think that you 721 00:32:12,980 --> 00:32:15,590 can't do because you're not getting them done straight away. 722 00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:18,890 Yeah, um, like actively self-care then. 723 00:32:18,900 --> 00:32:20,710 So, so practise some active self-care. 724 00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:22,930 And I was just like internal. Monologue. 725 00:32:22,940 --> 00:32:24,440 No, I have literally just joined up myself. 726 00:32:24,450 --> 00:32:26,630 Actually I feel a bit of a psychotherapist here. 727 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:28,830 Active self-care for me, so that is. 728 00:32:28,970 --> 00:32:30,360 Pick a 90 bucks an. Hour do you want? 729 00:32:30,370 --> 00:32:37,960 Do you want advice? End of my tether now act of 730 00:32:37,970 --> 00:32:41,060 self-care. So I do watercolour like or I 731 00:32:41,070 --> 00:32:45,400 would do um I just heard this thing called water colouring. 732 00:32:45,450 --> 00:32:47,060 I do water colouring. Blue about that. 733 00:32:47,070 --> 00:32:49,950 Now I do water colouring, I've already pit taken up or baking 734 00:32:50,020 --> 00:32:51,300 like something that has an end result. 735 00:32:51,310 --> 00:32:54,600 So it feels productive, but like so steal from my mind. 736 00:32:54,610 --> 00:32:58,300 Yeah, so still for my mind, still from my mind I'm doing 737 00:32:58,550 --> 00:33:00,800 like I'm getting some sort of validation from creating 738 00:33:00,810 --> 00:33:02,440 something, but no one's going to see or make jewellery. 739 00:33:02,450 --> 00:33:05,900 So exercise. I go to the gym everyday and I 740 00:33:05,910 --> 00:33:07,940 absolutely love it. Now exercise is massively but I 741 00:33:07,950 --> 00:33:10,320 don't I won't go if I feel like I have to go. 742 00:33:10,410 --> 00:33:13,560 I don't set an alarm to go to go if I wake away. 743 00:33:13,570 --> 00:33:14,820 Yeah, because that pressure fucks. 744 00:33:14,830 --> 00:33:16,950 It yeah. So like go, go and do something 745 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:20,140 that's that's productive, but for you and you only like, yeah, 746 00:33:20,150 --> 00:33:21,790 water colouring, reading something. 747 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,600 If you've never really made your way through a full book, go and 748 00:33:24,610 --> 00:33:27,770 do that for you, only for you. And then to that by the end of 749 00:33:27,780 --> 00:33:30,640 it, you're like, oh, look at me. I did something nice for me and 750 00:33:30,650 --> 00:33:32,480 only me. And it could be only 20 minutes 751 00:33:32,490 --> 00:33:34,240 or. Something exactly, exactly. 752 00:33:34,650 --> 00:33:37,160 I think you've been going to therapy recently. 753 00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:39,230 How do you know that? Cause you'd be set in the first 754 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:40,800 episode. OK, so I'm not giving anything 755 00:33:40,810 --> 00:33:42,530 away. So I do think that that has been 756 00:33:42,540 --> 00:33:44,650 helping you because you've been compartmentalising. 757 00:33:44,660 --> 00:33:45,510 First met you. I wasn't. 758 00:33:45,790 --> 00:33:48,330 When you first met me there was thought for everywhere. 759 00:33:48,420 --> 00:33:51,500 Thoughts are more formed now I think as well. 760 00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:53,310 By making you sound like an absolute freak. 761 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:55,570 No, you are. Thoughts are really for. 762 00:33:55,580 --> 00:33:57,830 No, you're you're definitely more structured than you thought 763 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:00,490 thinking now, but I also think that might be with that the fact 764 00:34:00,500 --> 00:34:02,210 that. Three word sentences now. 765 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,510 No, nothing local effects you, nothing is going to fix you. 766 00:34:04,740 --> 00:34:06,920 Okay, so thanks a million for joining us. 767 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:10,739 I'm going to try and then, I don't know, go and have a cold 768 00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:12,969 shower after that frustrating coffee. 769 00:34:12,980 --> 00:34:15,860 You're embarrassing papers trying to open up about the 770 00:34:15,870 --> 00:34:18,940 probably the most personal thing on this podcast so far and this. 771 00:34:18,949 --> 00:34:20,380 You're going to get a fucking hug later. 772 00:34:20,389 --> 00:34:22,980 Look at this. Yeah, freaking hug looming. 773 00:34:22,989 --> 00:34:27,889 Hug sinister hope, smell your hair as well if you like. 774 00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:29,480 Thank you for joining us on this one. 775 00:34:29,489 --> 00:34:32,730 And if you've been affected by anything in the podcast, there's 776 00:34:32,739 --> 00:34:35,090 Pieta House and there is Samaritans, and there's also 777 00:34:35,100 --> 00:34:36,179 more numbers. Just reach out. 778 00:34:45,139 --> 00:34:47,250 Okay guys, thanks for listening. Thanks guys. 779 00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:48,800 Bye bye. Bye, see ya.