Coming to you from the firing line of unsolicited feedback.
You know, that place where everyone's an expert in your
life or on your life? Today we're talking about how to
handle criticism without falling apart.
Why does it stink so much? How do you separate what's
helpful from what's just noise? And how can you actually grow
from it? Instead of shutting down?
John Michael sways, he's learned more from his harshest critics
than from his biggest fans. And Clayton thinks most
criticism is actually garbage and should be ignored.
And I got a story about that one piece of feedback that changed
everything for me. This is the All In podcast,
fellas. Today we're talking about a fun
topic, criticism. But before we get started, I, I,
I want us to define a couple of terms right?
Because we can use them interchangeably and I actually
think they mean different things.
So what's the difference between criticism and feedback?
I was just going to say that spin drift is the superior
sparkling water. I just want to make that
statement. Boldly, that's a good feedback.
Yeah, right. I just want to go ahead and and
go ahead and lock that in as a legitimate take spend drift
being the best seltzer water moving to feedback as a
legitimate option. Feedback, I think let's just
define the term. It's giving someone a response
to the actions that they've committed.
Criticism, I would put it under the umbrella of feedback.
So it's like feedback as a a universal and then the
particular philosophies coming out here come along.
First time this has helped me in my life.
The particular would be criticism as potentially
negative feedback as a response to how someone has acted,
actions they've made, things they've done.
That's me. So you're saying it's criticisms
a part of feedback? Kind of like all boys are human,
but not all human are boys. Yep.
All criticism, all feedback, all.
Criticism is feedback, but not all feedback.
Is criticism interesting? Yeah.
I think, you know, it's feedback is something that's
constructive, but then that gets confusing because there's such a
thing as constructive criticism. So I don't know the difference
between constructive criticism and feedback necessarily, but
giving someone good feedback gives them, you know, a, a road
map to growth. I'll probably say.
Whereas I think when we're, when we're trying to define our terms
here, I think what we're trying to say about criticism is that
it's, it's more of just like pointing out, just pointing out
the negatives. Does that make sense?
Yeah. I think what's interesting is
when you hear feedback, I don't necessarily think positive or
negative. I just think kind of neutral and
then the type of feedback you give could be.
Positive. Or it could be negative.
Yeah, where whereas I feel like criticism is always going to be
-100% right? Yeah.
I, according to Forbes magazine, in the headline I read is
feedback focuses on the future and criticism focuses on the
past, which kind of lines up with some of the things we're
saying, right? Like feedback focuses on like,
hey, here's what we want to see more of.
Even if it's like, hey, you did this thing, but what if we
change it to this thing versus criticism being like, hey, you
did this really poorly. Where do you where do you think
the word feedback comes from? You ever think about that?
I'm going to feed off. Feedback that I don't know some
etymological definitions here. Can you use it in a sentence?
So we're not necessary. We're not saying that criticism
is a bad thing. We're just saying it's the
negative form of feedback, right?
Or are we saying that you should try to give more positive
feedback? That could be critical, but
critical also is. Yeah, if I feel like feedback
can be critical, but as long as it focuses on on like the
positive. And again, I don't mean like,
hey, buddy, that was so good, like not that, but just like,
hey, you know, this one poorly. How can we change that?
How can we do better? Like getting that when we frame
it like that? I think it's feedback because it
it's like, hey, how can we actually improve on something?
And it can be critical because it was critical to say, hey, you
did a really poor job in this. But when it just stops there.
You know. I think that's when it's like
unhelpful and just stays under criticism.
The the boys in the back, the guys running this this show for
us, they're pinging my line right now and giving us a great
definition for feedback. It's going to blow y'all's
minds. Are you ready for this?
The term feedback originated in mechanical engineering to
describe systems that regulate themselves.
Feedback. You never would have known that.
That's fascinating. I I kind of mean that being an
engineer, but not being mechanical.
You know, I I wasn't entirely sure where it came from.
Yeah. You know, you're halfway there,
yeah. So I, I, now that we have our
definitions right, I, I want to, and again, before we get into
like some of the meteor things that from there, I want to give
some tips to our listeners on when is feedback actually
helpful. Is there, is there a point where
you're, you're, and I might answer my own question here,
actually a point where too much feedback is actually unhelpful.
And I, I think that it is. I'm just thinking about this
podcast. For example, if our if the boys
in the back kept on telling us after every episode what we did
wrong, what we did right, I think I would start overthinking
it when we're actually doing the recording versus at the end of,
you know, at the end of the day of recording.
For example, if they said, hey, here's a few things moving into
your next recording that you should work on.
Yeah, kinda reminds you of of the golf swing, yes, you know,
and when you have too much going on in there, you can't do
everything right, Right. And so when you're getting too
much feedback, it's like, what are we talking about now?
That's that's what it's like to get feedback from Clayton on my
golf swing. He sees like, I'm like Clayton,
what do I change? And he's like everything.
You don't have a golf swing, you have a baseball swing while
you're holding a Golf Club is. The problem and and that is why
everything goes wide right by a far margin.
OK, to the point about too much feedback, honestly, I'm, I'm
thinking, you know, the, the, the people in your life, they're
going to give you feedback. Are there's probably a couple
different places really your family, the people that you're
closest to, your closest friends and then in the, in the
professional workplace as well. And I'm just thinking about my
own relationship with, with my wife.
You know, it's, it's good and it's necessary in marriage to
give feedback either about, you know, something that needs to
change, you know, in the home or feedback in the way that, that
we're relating to each other. But you live, you live with the
person, you know, you're going to see all of their strengths,
you're going to see all of their, all of their weaknesses.
And if you're constantly, there's just, there's just some
things that you have to let go is essentially what I'm saying,
you know? And so you kind of, you kind of
have to pick and choose what are the things worth addressing and
what are the things worth letting go at the same time.
I think you you bring up a good point with the type of people
that you're getting feedback from.
I think a helpful description here is a prerequisite for
feedback is trust in the relationship.
Oh, absolutely. So if I'm getting the worst
thing is getting feedback from someone that you don't trust
because I don't trust them as an individual, which means frankly,
I'm not going to trust a ton of what's coming out of their mouth
directed at me, even if it's positive.
Because like, you don't, you don't know me.
You don't know me. You don't know where I've been.
You don't know what? I've been through.
You know my story, you know my swag.
My. Story.
So I think trust is a prerequisite for feedback, both
positive and negative. Yeah, so I, I, I'd love to, to
hear from y'all of what, what's some of the funniest feedback or
criticism that you've gotten in the past?
Oh, I I. Can I jump in here please?
So I think feedback could take a variety of forms.
There's, there's kind of offhanded feedback where
someone's not necessarily meaning to give you feedback,
but they say something kind of offhanded that it's like, oh,
wow, that's actually what you think.
In my job, I do a lot of video calls.
Probably a lot of our, our listeners are in that same boat.
And the hard part about video calls is you never really know
the size of the individual. And so I was working with a
client who we had done a variety of video calls over the years.
And I prefer a standing desk. You know, I'm, I'm a good Gen.
Z or I care about my hips. And I showed up to an in person
meeting with this client and the first thing he said is, wow,
you're a lot shorter than I thought you would be.
And I was like, that's feedback right there.
Like he is telling me you come off as 64 but you actually are
58. Lovely.
You turned that off, but it it it's also, it reminds me of
earlier this morning we were talk talking about Jim and
Clayton made a reference to pump covers and Joe Michael, you just
looked at him and he said how do you know what pump covers are?
Insinuated that he is not ingrained in the fitness.
You have never been to the gym. For anyone who doesn't know,
like Clayton, what a pump cover is, it is kind of a oversized
T-shirt that you wear as you begin your workout and then you
tear it off to show the pump that you're having.
And usually under that, wearing a sleeveless shirt to make sure
that the AK and the the M16 are showing.
I don't. I don't, I don't have pump
covers. I just wear tummy covers.
You know, there's just a little extra room around the tummy.
Cut high. You know what my dad calls that?
He calls it the gentleman's cut. He's like, I only buy polos that
have gentleman's cuts, a little room for activity.
The opposite of you. Just remember those Under Armour
shirts. They.
Showed everything. They showed everything.
It was great. There's a comedian that has,
like, this whole joke about how for plastic surgery when, you
know, they cover you with the markers and they're like, OK,
here's what we're going to go after.
He's like, they should just put people in those shirts.
And you can tell like, hey, it's pretty clear what we're going
after. Oh, that's awesome going.
Wonder about you Have any funny feedback or criticism?
Yeah, I had several bosses of mine have told me, Clayton, you
work too hard. You care too much.
And sometimes I just don't know what to.
And your biggest weakness? Actually, your biggest strength.
You know, I this isn't necessarily.
A. A.
Funny one, but you know that
it's, it's common to, to hear this from, from my wife.
Frankly, I've heard it from other people in my life, but it
it's, it's not what you said, it's how you said it.
And I think that's probably 90% of the the arguments in in my
marriage is it's not what you said, it's the way that you said
it your. Tones.
Body language. You have any examples of any
funny examples of up your hand? Come back to me.
It's. Not what you said, it was the
fact that you're wearing an Under Armour tight shirt when
you said it. I can't take you seriously.
I think for me that this is not in the same vein as you all.
But so I thought, I just look back and it's like.
What was that? I was interviewing for a job
once and I remember being kind of nervous beforehand, but it
was a different type of job than I've had before.
And I really, it was a more professional setting, you know,
And so, so I really wanted to, you know, just be a little more
button up and just be professional, be, you know,
level headed and just really make sure that I knew my stuff.
I love the interview went great. I ended up getting the job, but
I do remember that afterwards. OK, Just a quick piece of
feedback. We think you could have been a
little more joyful during that interview.
I don't want to say joyful, but they were going after that and I
just remember thinking like, how is that health?
Like we're in a job interview, you know, I was.
Supposed to be I'm. Trying to be professional.
What do you want me to just be? Like what?
Next interview, you showed up shirtless.
You will not believe what happened.
It was amazing. That was just that.
That's something that always stuck with me that I thought was
really funny. But to kind of close this
criticism versus feedback loop, going back to criticism, why
does it hurt so much? I think as as fellas, as members
of the male gender. Hey, all boys are human.
Yeah, that's right. But not all human or boys.
That's right. I think that we struggle to take
criticism because we, we take it as an attack on our identity.
So if my identity is that I'm a, I'm a great employee, I'm
successful in my role, I'm a high performer in my role.
When I get negative feedback in that role, what it does is it I
take it initially and I, I'm, I'm one of those people that I
feel like I do not do well with criticism in the moment.
My first thought when someone gives me criticism is like.
You hate me. Like, no, that's, that's
incorrect. And then as I sit back with it,
it starts to sink in a little bit.
But I think when I hear criticism, I take it as an
attack on my identity as a good employee, as a high performer,
as someone who's good in their role.
When in reality, it's not an identity statement.
It's just a quality statement and qualities form our identity.
But it's not a criticism of my identity.
It's a criticism of potentially how I'm performing in that.
I think another aspect of it too, is that taking criticism
requires a level of vulnerability and, and humility.
Because when you're receiving criticism, it might be the case
that someone is telling you something about yourself that
you didn't know about yourself. And that the image that you have
of yourself is kind of being broken.
A little bit of like, oh, I didn't know that I did that.
And to your to your point, John Michael, sometimes it's like,
no, I don't do that. You want to, you want to deny it
and, and reject it. But I would say too, honestly, I
feel like people, you know, in regards to receiving just
feedback in general, it's, it's, it's really hard to take
negative, negative feedback, criticism.
But I'll say people also have a hard time receiving positive
feedback. You know, like when someone is
like affirming, you know, the good things and you're just kind
of like, I don't know what to say.
Like, I don't know what to do. It is really funny because when
someone does give me constructive criticism, right,
like actionable feedback of like, Hey, here's where you
messed up or here's what you can improve on.
I'm like, you don't know, I'm killing it.
You don't know me. But on the same vein, when I,
whenever see something positive, I'm just like, whatever.
Like they don't know. Like, yeah, it doesn't matter.
And so it's no matter what, I'm so prideful that whether it's
good or bad, I'm, I don't believe what they're, I don't.
Believe you either way. Great.
Well, give us some feedback, some constructive criticism in
the comments, tell us some of the funniest criticism you've
received, and we'll be right back after the short break.
Hey, this is Clayton from the All In podcast.
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the Secret Play app. All right, so we we've been
talking about feedback versus criticism.
Why does it hurt? Why can't it hurt?
But I also want to talk about what can we do about it, right,
John? Michael, you once told us that
you learn more from your biggest haters than you do for your
biggest fans, right? I'd love for you to kind of jump
into that and tell us more about that.
Yeah, I think feedback stings, but staying where you are hurts
even more so. I think about some of the
toughest superiors I've had, and I don't necessarily mean just in
the workplace. I actually think back to my high
school baseball coach. He was a tough, nosed guy, kind
of scary. He was also a short king like
myself, but he was jacked. Like you'd see him in the weight
room benching 240 fives on each side, throwing on another 45
after he took his pump cover off.
But he was very tough on me, very tough on me.
But I don't think anyone, any coach I had previously was able
to get more out of me as a player than this coach was
because I took his criticism as a sign of his respect for where
my game could go. So he kind of saw, here's the
level that I see you playing at. Here's where you are currently.
I'm going to push you so hard that one of two things has to
happen. You either breakdown, which is a
risk, or I push you so hard that you achieve this level that I
see in you. And what's funny is as a as a
supervisor of people now in the workplace, one of the biggest
pieces of feedback I've gotten is your expectations for me are
so high that I don't think I could live up to them myself.
And I had to take that personally, too, as an area of
my own criticism as a leader. And that really helped me as a
leader to actually try to coach people to their goals and not my
goals for them. That's great.
Yeah. So I, I think what you're saying
is wonderful, right? It's good.
It's good feedback for, for us and for our listeners.
What are what are some practical ways you can actually take the
good things out of criticism, out of feedback, and apply it
while leaving the rest behind, right While leaving the the
stinging behind? Let me understand your your
question saying how do you basically like how do you
respond to feedback? Well, is everything.
Yeah. What are some practical ways to
actually receive feedback and try to find the good thing in
it? Yeah.
Well, I think John, Michael, you, what you said earlier is a
is a great point where you said in the moment, I don't want to
receive the feedback, especially if it comes out of out of
nowhere. Like if you're, if you're giving
feedback to somebody, it might be helpful to say beforehand
like, hey, I'd love to give you a little bit of feedback here
instead of just jumping into a criticism, you know?
To to just jump off what you were saying, I think taking a
step back after the feedback. That's what I was going to say
is where you were going. That's that's that's where I was
going. Is that when you, when you
receive the, the feedback, the initial reaction might be
oftentimes one of I'm frustrated that this or I feel insecure
about this. And when you're feeling that
way, you just kind of want to deflect and you want to blame or
you want to ignore or you just want to, you know, reject what's
being, what's being told to you. And so it's helpful when you're
receiving feedback just to have that presence of mind of just
like, OK, I'm going to listen to what you're saying.
Right now. I have emotions that I'm feeling
in the in the current moment, but this is something that I
probably need to go home and think about later once my
emotions have kind of died down. A little bit and then I can take
take a step in and responding to what's been said to me and
probably even, you know, address the conversation with the person
that was giving you that feedback at A at a later time.
Does that make sense? Yeah, I, I think it doesn't.
What I would add to that is, and I've experienced this plenty
times, right. Well, I'll, I'll have like a
really strong reaction to feedback initially.
And as I step back, something that I like to remind myself is,
Hey, I don't know if this is true or not, but let's just
pretend that that person had the best intention in mind.
What would it look like for me to apply these things?
You know, what would it look like for for these things to be
true? And I think that always now
something takes me a little longer to get there than I would
hope that than I would want. But that helps me kind of
reframe it. OK, let's just leave my
embarrassment, my pain, whatever it is at the table and just step
back and be like, OK, with what they said.
If I were to apply that, what would change?
And then be that house would be able to oh, that actually would
be a positive change. You know, what have been
sometimes you use the baseball example and I don't know where
that ended up. I know you, you've shared with
our listeners that you were really excited to play college
baseball, right? But what are some other examples
of a time of your life where you've actually implemented the
feedback and I've seen growth from that?
I went to a high level public speaking training about a year
ago and it was led by someone who's given multiple Ted talks.
So I mean, very knowledgeable in the world of public speaking.
And what was interesting is before the training, they asked
for people who attended the training to send some film ahead
of time of them public speaking. And so they could kind of go
through and look at all right, what's your style?
What are you good at? Maybe what do you struggle at?
And then we would go and practice in front of these these
folks. And I will say this individual
who gave the Ted talks was really critical of a lot of
things I do when I'm public speaking.
One of the things she was most critical about is that I, I'm
very energetic when I speak in public, so I move a lot.
Part of it maybe is some, some ADHD deep down in there and
she's like, I just want you to stay planted when you speak
because when you move so much, it really affects the listener's
ability to concentrate on what you're saying because they're
distracted so much by your movement.
It's taking away from the words you're saying.
It was so hard for me though, because it was like the golf
swing example of earlier of it. It completely made me overthink
how I was performing, but as I kind of began to stay planted a
little bit more, I could actually more adequately think
about what I was going to say next and deliver the point with
clarity instead of this kind of hyper aggression form that I had
been been doing. The other thing though was there
was some feedback that they gave me that I frankly didn't think
was good feedback. So I'm, I'm one of the feedback
they gave was that your voice is sometimes too loud.
And, you know, I don't know if that's true or not.
I've heard that from my wife as well.
Your voice gives off 6. Four couldn't agree more.
But I didn't like that feedback because I, I felt like part of
being an effective speaker was being able to communicate with
passion, with zeal. And so I was like, I think I'm
actually going to leave that feedback at home.
I, I don't think I'm going to take that into my repertoire.
So there's also reality of sometimes you get feedback that
you're like, I think that's just false.
Like, I don't think I'm actually going to do that because maybe
it's pride or maybe it's just actually a real recognition of
what I'm good at. I don't want to lean into that.
So that could take us to to a next point of like when do you
know whether to ignore that feedback or not?
So I'm relating a little bit to what you're talking about with
the public speaking thing because I just started a new
role myself in major gifts fundraising.
And you know, I've, I've fundraised, you know, over the
course of the last, you know, 8 or 8 or 9 years.
But I haven't done this specific form of, of major gifts
fundraising before. And so part of my training is,
you know, when I'm meeting with, you know, current benefactors
or, you know, potential future benefactors, I'm going with
someone that is a little bit more experienced than me.
And they do a great job of just like allowing me to, to run the
meeting. And then afterwards asking
questions of like, what do you think went well?
What do you think you could have done?
What, what you could have done better?
You know, how did you think this particular part of, of, of the
meeting went? You know, and they're, they're
asking the questions from, you know, a place of, of expertise.
They're experienced themselves, you know, and so there's,
there's coaching that's happening there.
And I think it's, it's an interesting point that, you
know, when, when you're a public speaker, you know, and there's
people that are more experienced than you and public speaking and
have trained other public speakers, you know, there,
there's, you're going to allow those people in your life to, to
coach you, you know, and as you're growing in experience and
things like that, you could probably say, well, you know,
I'm, I, I, I hear what you're saying when you're giving me
that feedback. But also, you know, here's I, I
think I want to change it a little bit of what you're
saying. You can kind of you have a
certain experience level or expertise yourself when you're
in sports. You know, I played golf growing
up. I had a a swing coach, you know,
and I wasn't in a position to say, you know, like, Hey, you
got to take the club head back like this.
I'm like, no, well, I think I'm going to I'm going to do it like
this. It's just like you listen to
your coach. But then when it comes to when
it comes to more like interior things or personal things.
So just like, hey, whenever you're in this situation, you
come across this way, you know, or, or you tend, sometimes you,
you speak in a tone that is, is condemning, you know, in this
way. Or sometimes it seems like
you're, it's those pieces of feedback where it's like, OK, I
can, I'm, I have all these coaches in my life.
I have professional coaches, athletic coaches.
You know, John Michael, you're training for a high rocks event
right now down in, in Dallas. And you know, you've got a coach
there that's helping you to become, you know, the athlete
and the, and the competitor that you want to be in that event.
And it's like we allow ourselves to be coached in those
situations, but, you know, it's a lot harder for us when it's
those personal things. You know, it's like, why don't
we allow ourselves to have like a like a life coach?
You're like a spiritual coach that's able to to, you know,
draw those things out of us. But I think there's to answer to
go back to your original question, it's just like, when
do you when do you choose to ignore it?
I think that you also probably have to receive feedback within
like a certain context. You know, it's like, OK, is this
is this something that you know, if it's one of those more
personal things, is this something that multiple people
are telling me in my life? Is this something that maybe
just one person is telling me in my life for the public speaking
things like, OK, this is this person's opinion.
Let me go to other people and ask them the same question.
And if I'm receiving it from multiple parties, maybe that's a
time when I actually need to, you know, address the, the
change that needs to be made. But I I would feel like you'd
probably want to seek out advice for that situation that you're
talking about and ask other people if this is something that
they think you should change as well.
But sometimes you don't need to ask other people and you just
know that it's true. It's garbage.
No, the other way around. Someone I'm like, I just know
this is true, right? And I I think the best feedback
criticism I've ever gotten. Was.
And I think I need this every so often for myself.
There's something a little that like a little sharp that just
cuts right through every wall I've put up.
And this was a trusted friend, a spiritual director, a mentor.
And we were meeting and I was just kind of feeling him and all
these problems that I'm having. He just looks at me and he says,
Jose, you need to stop being a little crybaby.
Now. He, he used different words,
been crybaby, but that just cut right to the court.
I didn't need to ask anyone else.
I knew that he was 100% correct. I knew that I, I was just
victimizing myself. All these things that were
happening, I was making myself the victim.
And sure, maybe I, I still sometimes fall into that, but
that completely changed everything for me, including how
I receive feedback or criticism in the future, right?
And, and that has really pushed me into this avenue of do
something about the feedback that someone's giving you,
whether right or wrong, right, It's whether change or what
prove them wrong type of thing. Now we need to be careful with
prove them wrong mentality. So that I think that was a
moment where I was like, this is absolutely feedback that I need
to take with me. But with that, there's
absolutely a lot of moments where people like, hey, can I,
can I give you some feedback? And you're like, sure, who are
you? You know, And then they give you
something you're like, what are you talking about?
So Clay and I, I, I'd love for you to speak into this.
You were, you were telling us how you think.
A lot of times criticism is kind of bogus and easy to leave it at
the door. Well, I think I, I, I, I do
think that that's true. I think that I mean, just, it's
just the culture that we live in right now.
Everybody wants to critique everybody, you know, no one's
willing to, to look at themselves and make changes
within themselves. Everybody wants to point at the
other person and say, you did this wrong.
You know, you, you should have done this differently.
You know, you, you, whatever, like whatever it is.
And I think that that's something that's happening in
our culture right now is just that no one is willing to to be
reflective and to look at themselves and say, what do I
need to change about myself? Everything that's wrong with the
world is everybody else but me. Everything that's wrong with the
world is, is all those, all those institutions, you know,
everything that's wrong with the world is all the decisions that
that everybody else makes in their life.
And that's the exact opposite of the Christian life, which is
that the problem with the world is, is me.
You know, like I'm, I'm the broken one.
I need to look at myself and make changes within myself.
I just think people are. Way too quick.
To just be condemning and critical of other people without
first taking a look at me, myself and I.
Absolutely. I think it was Thomas Jefferson,
potentially. That said, when I look at the
world, I see the greatest problem is me.
Like, I think there's Ben Franklin, but there's that, that
that quote from Teddy Roosevelt, the man in the arena speech that
he gave. It's not the critic who counts.
It's the it's the man who's who's in the arena, who's marred
by blood, sweat, something along those lines.
He is my favorite founding father of this country.
Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt.
I've never actually read the whole thing, but I've seen, you
know, in like little graphics of it on like Facebook before.
His signature on the Declaration of Independence is is
outstanding. The one that's so big.
Yeah, it's just someone called it a John Hancock, actually.
Yeah, it's so crazy that Teddy Roosevelt signed that and called
it a John Hancock. Wild.
He went back in time. So I, I think what we're getting
to right and, and some, some of the things you were pointing out
is how can we stay confident and not let the opinions of others
derail us while still accepting feedback?
Yeah, right. So how do we how do we balance
that one? I think going to people that
really know us and having the ability to ask for feedback,
that's how you go from a mediocre player to a top level
performer is that you're not waiting for feedback.
You were seeking out feedback. So in every moment you're like,
hey, can, how did I, how did I do on that?
Give me some feedback. Was it good?
Was it bad? Where'd you, where do you see my
weaknesses? Where do you see my areas of
growth as a as a supervisor? I love working with people who
who asked those questions and I think working with and having
friends to where you can calibrate how your view of
yourself matches with how you're coming off is a valuable element
to staying firm in that identity.
The other the other thing is often times we don't know how
we're coming off to people. That's true.
And so we need trusted friends to be able to say, hey, you
know, you think that you're coming off with a sense of
confidence, but really you're coming off with a sense of
cockiness. And and when it comes from a a
friend who's actually seen you in different environments,
that's going to land. Can you, do you think you can?
What's the best way to get feedback?
Like can you? Can it be done over e-mail?
Via text, Snapchat? I.
Prefer I prefer a text with a hidden ink.
So they don't. They don't know what's coming.
And the subject line on. Subject line says.
Feedback incoming. Feedback incoming Invisible ink.
Invisible ink. And then you send emojis.
You send a gift to articulate what you're trying to say and.
Then you had lol at the end lol. Lol JK.
Hey, some feedback you really need to you know I'd love for
you to change how you do this lol.
Lol. Lol is the worst way to end any
statement because you just have no idea if they actually meant
that or not. It's also a great way to make
sure that no one takes anything personally.
I hate you lol. You're a horrible person lol.
So it's for for fake feedback. Or if or if you just want to
head your bet. Well, I think honestly, that's,
that's kind of a great point is that sometimes when we're giving
feedback, you kind of want to soften the blow a little bit,
you know, where it's like, hey, you kind of do this thing, but
like it's OK. Like, you know, and, and you're
just kind of scared, you're scared to receive it.
So you're scared to give it to another person, you know, And
it's like you just got to be, if you're giving someone you know,
whether it's positive feedback, probably the harder form of
feedback to give us negative feedback, you should be clear.
You should be concise. You should be just
straightforward with the person in front of you, rather than
trying to, you know, beat around the Bush a little bit and kind
of soften the blow with it. Yeah, 2 pieces of advice that I
received from a previous manager that were extremely helpful and
how I give feedback where one, right, if you're in a work
environment where you do performance reviews is never let
the performance review be the first time that someone's
hearing that piece of feedback. And two, address feedback early
so it doesn't build up into this huge thing.
Let me pull out my 5 paragraph essay on all the things that you
did poorly over the last. Year.
Yeah. Because now I'm like, well, how
long have you been thinking about this and holding back?
You know, you could have told me from the beginning I could have
improved or done something different.
Absolutely. I think Gen.
Z is horrible at taking feedback.
I think they are. They are highly emotional.
They are. You're saying they as if we're
not right. I think we're almost Gen.
Z. Well I'm I'm.
I still don't know how old I am. I'm 29 last time I checked, I
think might be 28. One headline I saw was the
conifer was 95 was Millennium Millet Millennial.
That's right, 96 was Gen. Z, which makes.
Me makes me. Gen.
Z makes you millennial, Yeah. So this doesn't apply to you.
So you can just tune out. But I think Gen.
Z is is a bit of a snowflake generation in that they take
feedback, it destroys them. You have to just massage their
ego. You have to give them all that.
You have to make stuff up positively so that their
identity is not too far destroyed.
I think that's a huge problem I. Worry about that for workplace,
for our country, that we have a potential generation of people
coming up that do not take feedback well.
I think it might be a result of the family.
There could be a real result of, to me, it's probably a result of
hearing feedback when you were younger that you feel like
didn't apply to you. Maybe your dad was too harsh on
you. Maybe your mom was too harsh on
you. And so now you just need
everyone to affirm every decision that you've made in
life so that you can feel good about yourself.
So I'm just going to go ahead and make sure I need to be
affirmed in how I'm living and you need to affirm me.
And if you don't affirm me, you are, you know, a, a bigot.
You are anti whatever I stand for.
That's a huge problem. Huge.
Yeah, I agree with you good. And I think you did a great job
at delivering that piece of feedback.
It's a little. I do think that you speak a
little loudly and that you move a lot.
For what it's worth, you give me 59 energy, so hey.
Hey, I just think you guys need to stop doing.
Why are you moving so much, you know?
That's actually my preferred way of public to shimmy.
All right, well, thank you guys for joining us today.
I ask that you please share what is some of the best difficult,
hard advice, a hard pill to swallow that you've that you've
got in your life down in the comments.
Don't forget to like, subscribe and share this episode with your
friends. Thank you for joining us.
This is the All In podcast. We'll see you on the next one.