1 00:00:00,480 --> 00:00:03,760 Coming to you from the firing line of unsolicited feedback. 2 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:07,480 You know, that place where everyone's an expert in your 3 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:11,080 life or on your life? Today we're talking about how to 4 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:12,840 handle criticism without falling apart. 5 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,600 Why does it stink so much? How do you separate what's 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,440 helpful from what's just noise? And how can you actually grow 7 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:21,960 from it? Instead of shutting down? 8 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:26,520 John Michael sways, he's learned more from his harshest critics 9 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,720 than from his biggest fans. And Clayton thinks most 10 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,720 criticism is actually garbage and should be ignored. 11 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,760 And I got a story about that one piece of feedback that changed 12 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,120 everything for me. This is the All In podcast, 13 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:58,520 fellas. Today we're talking about a fun 14 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:04,720 topic, criticism. But before we get started, I, I, 15 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:08,400 I want us to define a couple of terms right? 16 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,360 Because we can use them interchangeably and I actually 17 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,560 think they mean different things. 18 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:18,600 So what's the difference between criticism and feedback? 19 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,960 I was just going to say that spin drift is the superior 20 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:29,440 sparkling water. I just want to make that 21 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,320 statement. Boldly, that's a good feedback. 22 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,280 Yeah, right. I just want to go ahead and and 23 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:38,760 go ahead and lock that in as a legitimate take spend drift 24 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:41,960 being the best seltzer water moving to feedback as a 25 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,400 legitimate option. Feedback, I think let's just 26 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,800 define the term. It's giving someone a response 27 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,400 to the actions that they've committed. 28 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:54,720 Criticism, I would put it under the umbrella of feedback. 29 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,360 So it's like feedback as a a universal and then the 30 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,920 particular philosophies coming out here come along. 31 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:03,840 First time this has helped me in my life. 32 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,560 The particular would be criticism as potentially 33 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:11,600 negative feedback as a response to how someone has acted, 34 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,160 actions they've made, things they've done. 35 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:18,200 That's me. So you're saying it's criticisms 36 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,160 a part of feedback? Kind of like all boys are human, 37 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:24,160 but not all human are boys. Yep. 38 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,000 All criticism, all feedback, all. 39 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,280 Criticism is feedback, but not all feedback. 40 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,120 Is criticism interesting? Yeah. 41 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,280 I think, you know, it's feedback is something that's 42 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,760 constructive, but then that gets confusing because there's such a 43 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,760 thing as constructive criticism. So I don't know the difference 44 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,760 between constructive criticism and feedback necessarily, but 45 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,480 giving someone good feedback gives them, you know, a, a road 46 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,120 map to growth. I'll probably say. 47 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,400 Whereas I think when we're, when we're trying to define our terms 48 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,440 here, I think what we're trying to say about criticism is that 49 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,440 it's, it's more of just like pointing out, just pointing out 50 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:00,680 the negatives. Does that make sense? 51 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,880 Yeah. I think what's interesting is 52 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:08,880 when you hear feedback, I don't necessarily think positive or 53 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,640 negative. I just think kind of neutral and 54 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:13,640 then the type of feedback you give could be. 55 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,040 Positive. Or it could be negative. 56 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,360 Yeah, where whereas I feel like criticism is always going to be 57 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,680 -100% right? Yeah. 58 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:28,400 I, according to Forbes magazine, in the headline I read is 59 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:32,000 feedback focuses on the future and criticism focuses on the 60 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:36,200 past, which kind of lines up with some of the things we're 61 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,400 saying, right? Like feedback focuses on like, 62 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,120 hey, here's what we want to see more of. 63 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,720 Even if it's like, hey, you did this thing, but what if we 64 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:46,160 change it to this thing versus criticism being like, hey, you 65 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,480 did this really poorly. Where do you where do you think 66 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,880 the word feedback comes from? You ever think about that? 67 00:03:54,120 --> 00:04:01,120 I'm going to feed off. Feedback that I don't know some 68 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:05,160 etymological definitions here. Can you use it in a sentence? 69 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,840 So we're not necessary. We're not saying that criticism 70 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,200 is a bad thing. We're just saying it's the 71 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,040 negative form of feedback, right? 72 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:15,720 Or are we saying that you should try to give more positive 73 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:19,200 feedback? That could be critical, but 74 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,400 critical also is. Yeah, if I feel like feedback 75 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:28,240 can be critical, but as long as it focuses on on like the 76 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:29,960 positive. And again, I don't mean like, 77 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:33,520 hey, buddy, that was so good, like not that, but just like, 78 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:37,160 hey, you know, this one poorly. How can we change that? 79 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,880 How can we do better? Like getting that when we frame 80 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,200 it like that? I think it's feedback because it 81 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,680 it's like, hey, how can we actually improve on something? 82 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,760 And it can be critical because it was critical to say, hey, you 83 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,800 did a really poor job in this. But when it just stops there. 84 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,880 You know. I think that's when it's like 85 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,320 unhelpful and just stays under criticism. 86 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,480 The the boys in the back, the guys running this this show for 87 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:01,320 us, they're pinging my line right now and giving us a great 88 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,520 definition for feedback. It's going to blow y'all's 89 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:04,360 minds. Are you ready for this? 90 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:11,040 The term feedback originated in mechanical engineering to 91 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,880 describe systems that regulate themselves. 92 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:20,040 Feedback. You never would have known that. 93 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:24,720 That's fascinating. I I kind of mean that being an 94 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,320 engineer, but not being mechanical. 95 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,800 You know, I I wasn't entirely sure where it came from. 96 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,400 Yeah. You know, you're halfway there, 97 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:35,440 yeah. So I, I, now that we have our 98 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:39,240 definitions right, I, I want to, and again, before we get into 99 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:44,000 like some of the meteor things that from there, I want to give 100 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:48,960 some tips to our listeners on when is feedback actually 101 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,880 helpful. Is there, is there a point where 102 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,920 you're, you're, and I might answer my own question here, 103 00:05:55,920 --> 00:06:00,000 actually a point where too much feedback is actually unhelpful. 104 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:04,080 And I, I think that it is. I'm just thinking about this 105 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,880 podcast. For example, if our if the boys 106 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:11,000 in the back kept on telling us after every episode what we did 107 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,960 wrong, what we did right, I think I would start overthinking 108 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:19,880 it when we're actually doing the recording versus at the end of, 109 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,880 you know, at the end of the day of recording. 110 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:26,000 For example, if they said, hey, here's a few things moving into 111 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,920 your next recording that you should work on. 112 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:33,280 Yeah, kinda reminds you of of the golf swing, yes, you know, 113 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:38,040 and when you have too much going on in there, you can't do 114 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,960 everything right, Right. And so when you're getting too 115 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,760 much feedback, it's like, what are we talking about now? 116 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,840 That's that's what it's like to get feedback from Clayton on my 117 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:47,760 golf swing. He sees like, I'm like Clayton, 118 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,840 what do I change? And he's like everything. 119 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,360 You don't have a golf swing, you have a baseball swing while 120 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,040 you're holding a Golf Club is. The problem and and that is why 121 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,480 everything goes wide right by a far margin. 122 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,000 OK, to the point about too much feedback, honestly, I'm, I'm 123 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,040 thinking, you know, the, the, the people in your life, they're 124 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,480 going to give you feedback. Are there's probably a couple 125 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,680 different places really your family, the people that you're 126 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,640 closest to, your closest friends and then in the, in the 127 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:19,880 professional workplace as well. And I'm just thinking about my 128 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,120 own relationship with, with my wife. 129 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,040 You know, it's, it's good and it's necessary in marriage to 130 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,560 give feedback either about, you know, something that needs to 131 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,560 change, you know, in the home or feedback in the way that, that 132 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:34,680 we're relating to each other. But you live, you live with the 133 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,600 person, you know, you're going to see all of their strengths, 134 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,480 you're going to see all of their, all of their weaknesses. 135 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,160 And if you're constantly, there's just, there's just some 136 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,400 things that you have to let go is essentially what I'm saying, 137 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:45,880 you know? And so you kind of, you kind of 138 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,520 have to pick and choose what are the things worth addressing and 139 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,000 what are the things worth letting go at the same time. 140 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:55,040 I think you you bring up a good point with the type of people 141 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,400 that you're getting feedback from. 142 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:02,560 I think a helpful description here is a prerequisite for 143 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:04,800 feedback is trust in the relationship. 144 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,800 Oh, absolutely. So if I'm getting the worst 145 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,040 thing is getting feedback from someone that you don't trust 146 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:15,680 because I don't trust them as an individual, which means frankly, 147 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,480 I'm not going to trust a ton of what's coming out of their mouth 148 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,000 directed at me, even if it's positive. 149 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:21,800 Because like, you don't, you don't know me. 150 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,960 You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. 151 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,120 You don't know what? I've been through. 152 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,600 You know my story, you know my swag. 153 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:28,440 My. Story. 154 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,080 So I think trust is a prerequisite for feedback, both 155 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:37,480 positive and negative. Yeah, so I, I, I'd love to, to 156 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:43,840 hear from y'all of what, what's some of the funniest feedback or 157 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,440 criticism that you've gotten in the past? 158 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,400 Oh, I I. Can I jump in here please? 159 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,000 So I think feedback could take a variety of forms. 160 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,720 There's, there's kind of offhanded feedback where 161 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,200 someone's not necessarily meaning to give you feedback, 162 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,600 but they say something kind of offhanded that it's like, oh, 163 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:00,800 wow, that's actually what you think. 164 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,800 In my job, I do a lot of video calls. 165 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,720 Probably a lot of our, our listeners are in that same boat. 166 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,160 And the hard part about video calls is you never really know 167 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,320 the size of the individual. And so I was working with a 168 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,920 client who we had done a variety of video calls over the years. 169 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,360 And I prefer a standing desk. You know, I'm, I'm a good Gen. 170 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:25,320 Z or I care about my hips. And I showed up to an in person 171 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,120 meeting with this client and the first thing he said is, wow, 172 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,880 you're a lot shorter than I thought you would be. 173 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,800 And I was like, that's feedback right there. 174 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:38,200 Like he is telling me you come off as 64 but you actually are 175 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,920 58. Lovely. 176 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:45,160 You turned that off, but it it it's also, it reminds me of 177 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:50,280 earlier this morning we were talk talking about Jim and 178 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:57,800 Clayton made a reference to pump covers and Joe Michael, you just 179 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,400 looked at him and he said how do you know what pump covers are? 180 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:06,320 Insinuated that he is not ingrained in the fitness. 181 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:10,760 You have never been to the gym. For anyone who doesn't know, 182 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:15,280 like Clayton, what a pump cover is, it is kind of a oversized 183 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:18,600 T-shirt that you wear as you begin your workout and then you 184 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,320 tear it off to show the pump that you're having. 185 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,280 And usually under that, wearing a sleeveless shirt to make sure 186 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,880 that the AK and the the M16 are showing. 187 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,320 I don't. I don't, I don't have pump 188 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:31,720 covers. I just wear tummy covers. 189 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:36,280 You know, there's just a little extra room around the tummy. 190 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,000 Cut high. You know what my dad calls that? 191 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:43,280 He calls it the gentleman's cut. He's like, I only buy polos that 192 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,400 have gentleman's cuts, a little room for activity. 193 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,240 The opposite of you. Just remember those Under Armour 194 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,720 shirts. They. 195 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,040 Showed everything. They showed everything. 196 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,480 It was great. There's a comedian that has, 197 00:10:54,480 --> 00:11:00,160 like, this whole joke about how for plastic surgery when, you 198 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,800 know, they cover you with the markers and they're like, OK, 199 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:02,880 here's what we're going to go after. 200 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,000 He's like, they should just put people in those shirts. 201 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,560 And you can tell like, hey, it's pretty clear what we're going 202 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:13,360 after. Oh, that's awesome going. 203 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,680 Wonder about you Have any funny feedback or criticism? 204 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:20,840 Yeah, I had several bosses of mine have told me, Clayton, you 205 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,000 work too hard. You care too much. 206 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,320 And sometimes I just don't know what to. 207 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,600 And your biggest weakness? Actually, your biggest strength. 208 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,320 You know, I this isn't necessarily. 209 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,160 A. A. 210 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,480 A. Funny one, but you know that 211 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,120 it's, it's common to, to hear this from, from my wife. 212 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,960 Frankly, I've heard it from other people in my life, but it 213 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,960 it's, it's not what you said, it's how you said it. 214 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:53,720 And I think that's probably 90% of the the arguments in in my 215 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,720 marriage is it's not what you said, it's the way that you said 216 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:57,640 it your. Tones. 217 00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,600 Body language. You have any examples of any 218 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,480 funny examples of up your hand? Come back to me. 219 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,680 It's. Not what you said, it was the 220 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,680 fact that you're wearing an Under Armour tight shirt when 221 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,720 you said it. I can't take you seriously. 222 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:15,840 I think for me that this is not in the same vein as you all. 223 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,760 But so I thought, I just look back and it's like. 224 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,000 What was that? I was interviewing for a job 225 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,960 once and I remember being kind of nervous beforehand, but it 226 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,760 was a different type of job than I've had before. 227 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:29,120 And I really, it was a more professional setting, you know, 228 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:32,080 And so, so I really wanted to, you know, just be a little more 229 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,800 button up and just be professional, be, you know, 230 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,840 level headed and just really make sure that I knew my stuff. 231 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,280 I love the interview went great. I ended up getting the job, but 232 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:46,600 I do remember that afterwards. OK, Just a quick piece of 233 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,560 feedback. We think you could have been a 234 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,520 little more joyful during that interview. 235 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,200 I don't want to say joyful, but they were going after that and I 236 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,080 just remember thinking like, how is that health? 237 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,920 Like we're in a job interview, you know, I was. 238 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,760 Supposed to be I'm. Trying to be professional. 239 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,440 What do you want me to just be? Like what? 240 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,200 Next interview, you showed up shirtless. 241 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,920 You will not believe what happened. 242 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:12,720 It was amazing. That was just that. 243 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,560 That's something that always stuck with me that I thought was 244 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:20,520 really funny. But to kind of close this 245 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:26,200 criticism versus feedback loop, going back to criticism, why 246 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:33,800 does it hurt so much? I think as as fellas, as members 247 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:38,440 of the male gender. Hey, all boys are human. 248 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,040 Yeah, that's right. But not all human or boys. 249 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,840 That's right. I think that we struggle to take 250 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,840 criticism because we, we take it as an attack on our identity. 251 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:52,000 So if my identity is that I'm a, I'm a great employee, I'm 252 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,960 successful in my role, I'm a high performer in my role. 253 00:13:55,440 --> 00:14:00,640 When I get negative feedback in that role, what it does is it I 254 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:06,240 take it initially and I, I'm, I'm one of those people that I 255 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:10,400 feel like I do not do well with criticism in the moment. 256 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,080 My first thought when someone gives me criticism is like. 257 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,920 You hate me. Like, no, that's, that's 258 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,200 incorrect. And then as I sit back with it, 259 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,400 it starts to sink in a little bit. 260 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:22,880 But I think when I hear criticism, I take it as an 261 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:26,600 attack on my identity as a good employee, as a high performer, 262 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,080 as someone who's good in their role. 263 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,680 When in reality, it's not an identity statement. 264 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,520 It's just a quality statement and qualities form our identity. 265 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,720 But it's not a criticism of my identity. 266 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,440 It's a criticism of potentially how I'm performing in that. 267 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:45,600 I think another aspect of it too, is that taking criticism 268 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:49,360 requires a level of vulnerability and, and humility. 269 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:53,320 Because when you're receiving criticism, it might be the case 270 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,560 that someone is telling you something about yourself that 271 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,920 you didn't know about yourself. And that the image that you have 272 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,440 of yourself is kind of being broken. 273 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,160 A little bit of like, oh, I didn't know that I did that. 274 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,480 And to your to your point, John Michael, sometimes it's like, 275 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,040 no, I don't do that. You want to, you want to deny it 276 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,080 and, and reject it. But I would say too, honestly, I 277 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,760 feel like people, you know, in regards to receiving just 278 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:18,040 feedback in general, it's, it's, it's really hard to take 279 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,640 negative, negative feedback, criticism. 280 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,960 But I'll say people also have a hard time receiving positive 281 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,160 feedback. You know, like when someone is 282 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,280 like affirming, you know, the good things and you're just kind 283 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,120 of like, I don't know what to say. 284 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:33,080 Like, I don't know what to do. It is really funny because when 285 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,880 someone does give me constructive criticism, right, 286 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:37,920 like actionable feedback of like, Hey, here's where you 287 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,400 messed up or here's what you can improve on. 288 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,320 I'm like, you don't know, I'm killing it. 289 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:47,360 You don't know me. But on the same vein, when I, 290 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,400 whenever see something positive, I'm just like, whatever. 291 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,320 Like they don't know. Like, yeah, it doesn't matter. 292 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,000 And so it's no matter what, I'm so prideful that whether it's 293 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:59,040 good or bad, I'm, I don't believe what they're, I don't. 294 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:02,800 Believe you either way. Great. 295 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:07,280 Well, give us some feedback, some constructive criticism in 296 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,080 the comments, tell us some of the funniest criticism you've 297 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:13,040 received, and we'll be right back after the short break. 298 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,160 Hey, this is Clayton from the All In podcast. 299 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,120 What if I told you that God was moving in places that you've 300 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,280 never even imagined? That's exactly what you'll see 301 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:26,880 in the new series Where Love Leads, a 5 episode miniseries 302 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,160 brought to you by Focus. Travel with us across the world 303 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,560 to see people whose lives have been transformed by Christ and 304 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,040 see the power of mission come alive. 305 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:39,600 Tap the link or scan the QR code to watch Where Love Leads now in 306 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:47,520 the Secret Play app. All right, so we we've been 307 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,040 talking about feedback versus criticism. 308 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,880 Why does it hurt? Why can't it hurt? 309 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:56,200 But I also want to talk about what can we do about it, right, 310 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,320 John? Michael, you once told us that 311 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:03,080 you learn more from your biggest haters than you do for your 312 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,359 biggest fans, right? I'd love for you to kind of jump 313 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:06,680 into that and tell us more about that. 314 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:11,440 Yeah, I think feedback stings, but staying where you are hurts 315 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,280 even more so. I think about some of the 316 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:18,960 toughest superiors I've had, and I don't necessarily mean just in 317 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,680 the workplace. I actually think back to my high 318 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,920 school baseball coach. He was a tough, nosed guy, kind 319 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,079 of scary. He was also a short king like 320 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:30,480 myself, but he was jacked. Like you'd see him in the weight 321 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:34,720 room benching 240 fives on each side, throwing on another 45 322 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,240 after he took his pump cover off. 323 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:41,000 But he was very tough on me, very tough on me. 324 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:46,760 But I don't think anyone, any coach I had previously was able 325 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,960 to get more out of me as a player than this coach was 326 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:55,440 because I took his criticism as a sign of his respect for where 327 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,680 my game could go. So he kind of saw, here's the 328 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:03,000 level that I see you playing at. Here's where you are currently. 329 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,880 I'm going to push you so hard that one of two things has to 330 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,120 happen. You either breakdown, which is a 331 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:12,440 risk, or I push you so hard that you achieve this level that I 332 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:16,880 see in you. And what's funny is as a as a 333 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,360 supervisor of people now in the workplace, one of the biggest 334 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:24,440 pieces of feedback I've gotten is your expectations for me are 335 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,080 so high that I don't think I could live up to them myself. 336 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,280 And I had to take that personally, too, as an area of 337 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:35,000 my own criticism as a leader. And that really helped me as a 338 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:40,480 leader to actually try to coach people to their goals and not my 339 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,360 goals for them. That's great. 340 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:48,200 Yeah. So I, I think what you're saying 341 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,080 is wonderful, right? It's good. 342 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,280 It's good feedback for, for us and for our listeners. 343 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:58,120 What are what are some practical ways you can actually take the 344 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:02,360 good things out of criticism, out of feedback, and apply it 345 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:05,360 while leaving the rest behind, right While leaving the the 346 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:10,640 stinging behind? Let me understand your your 347 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,680 question saying how do you basically like how do you 348 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,560 respond to feedback? Well, is everything. 349 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:15,880 Yeah. What are some practical ways to 350 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,400 actually receive feedback and try to find the good thing in 351 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,360 it? Yeah. 352 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,760 Well, I think John, Michael, you, what you said earlier is a 353 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,840 is a great point where you said in the moment, I don't want to 354 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,480 receive the feedback, especially if it comes out of out of 355 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,240 nowhere. Like if you're, if you're giving 356 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,080 feedback to somebody, it might be helpful to say beforehand 357 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,880 like, hey, I'd love to give you a little bit of feedback here 358 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,880 instead of just jumping into a criticism, you know? 359 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,200 To to just jump off what you were saying, I think taking a 360 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,200 step back after the feedback. That's what I was going to say 361 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,800 is where you were going. That's that's that's where I was 362 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:47,880 going. Is that when you, when you 363 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,680 receive the, the feedback, the initial reaction might be 364 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:54,400 oftentimes one of I'm frustrated that this or I feel insecure 365 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,280 about this. And when you're feeling that 366 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,800 way, you just kind of want to deflect and you want to blame or 367 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,280 you want to ignore or you just want to, you know, reject what's 368 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,960 being, what's being told to you. And so it's helpful when you're 369 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,840 receiving feedback just to have that presence of mind of just 370 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,280 like, OK, I'm going to listen to what you're saying. 371 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,280 Right now. I have emotions that I'm feeling 372 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,520 in the in the current moment, but this is something that I 373 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:15,400 probably need to go home and think about later once my 374 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,320 emotions have kind of died down. A little bit and then I can take 375 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,840 take a step in and responding to what's been said to me and 376 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,120 probably even, you know, address the conversation with the person 377 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,680 that was giving you that feedback at A at a later time. 378 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:28,440 Does that make sense? Yeah, I, I think it doesn't. 379 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,840 What I would add to that is, and I've experienced this plenty 380 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,880 times, right. Well, I'll, I'll have like a 381 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,160 really strong reaction to feedback initially. 382 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:45,000 And as I step back, something that I like to remind myself is, 383 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,400 Hey, I don't know if this is true or not, but let's just 384 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,520 pretend that that person had the best intention in mind. 385 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,920 What would it look like for me to apply these things? 386 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,920 You know, what would it look like for for these things to be 387 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,760 true? And I think that always now 388 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,080 something takes me a little longer to get there than I would 389 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,560 hope that than I would want. But that helps me kind of 390 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,640 reframe it. OK, let's just leave my 391 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,680 embarrassment, my pain, whatever it is at the table and just step 392 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,080 back and be like, OK, with what they said. 393 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,760 If I were to apply that, what would change? 394 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,240 And then be that house would be able to oh, that actually would 395 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:31,360 be a positive change. You know, what have been 396 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,120 sometimes you use the baseball example and I don't know where 397 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,960 that ended up. I know you, you've shared with 398 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,760 our listeners that you were really excited to play college 399 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,480 baseball, right? But what are some other examples 400 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:45,760 of a time of your life where you've actually implemented the 401 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,520 feedback and I've seen growth from that? 402 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:56,320 I went to a high level public speaking training about a year 403 00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:01,640 ago and it was led by someone who's given multiple Ted talks. 404 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,800 So I mean, very knowledgeable in the world of public speaking. 405 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:09,320 And what was interesting is before the training, they asked 406 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,600 for people who attended the training to send some film ahead 407 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,400 of time of them public speaking. And so they could kind of go 408 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,080 through and look at all right, what's your style? 409 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,120 What are you good at? Maybe what do you struggle at? 410 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,840 And then we would go and practice in front of these these 411 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,680 folks. And I will say this individual 412 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,920 who gave the Ted talks was really critical of a lot of 413 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:31,200 things I do when I'm public speaking. 414 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,240 One of the things she was most critical about is that I, I'm 415 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:39,040 very energetic when I speak in public, so I move a lot. 416 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:43,000 Part of it maybe is some, some ADHD deep down in there and 417 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,680 she's like, I just want you to stay planted when you speak 418 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:49,560 because when you move so much, it really affects the listener's 419 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,720 ability to concentrate on what you're saying because they're 420 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,480 distracted so much by your movement. 421 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,440 It's taking away from the words you're saying. 422 00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:59,080 It was so hard for me though, because it was like the golf 423 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:04,120 swing example of earlier of it. It completely made me overthink 424 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:08,880 how I was performing, but as I kind of began to stay planted a 425 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,920 little bit more, I could actually more adequately think 426 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,440 about what I was going to say next and deliver the point with 427 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:19,320 clarity instead of this kind of hyper aggression form that I had 428 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:23,280 been been doing. The other thing though was there 429 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,760 was some feedback that they gave me that I frankly didn't think 430 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,440 was good feedback. So I'm, I'm one of the feedback 431 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,240 they gave was that your voice is sometimes too loud. 432 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,320 And, you know, I don't know if that's true or not. 433 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,240 I've heard that from my wife as well. 434 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:43,480 Your voice gives off 6. Four couldn't agree more. 435 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:49,280 But I didn't like that feedback because I, I felt like part of 436 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:53,480 being an effective speaker was being able to communicate with 437 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:57,160 passion, with zeal. And so I was like, I think I'm 438 00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,480 actually going to leave that feedback at home. 439 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,160 I, I don't think I'm going to take that into my repertoire. 440 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,080 So there's also reality of sometimes you get feedback that 441 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,880 you're like, I think that's just false. 442 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,000 Like, I don't think I'm actually going to do that because maybe 443 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:14,200 it's pride or maybe it's just actually a real recognition of 444 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,400 what I'm good at. I don't want to lean into that. 445 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:20,080 So that could take us to to a next point of like when do you 446 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,440 know whether to ignore that feedback or not? 447 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,920 So I'm relating a little bit to what you're talking about with 448 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,720 the public speaking thing because I just started a new 449 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,600 role myself in major gifts fundraising. 450 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,320 And you know, I've, I've fundraised, you know, over the 451 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,680 course of the last, you know, 8 or 8 or 9 years. 452 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,760 But I haven't done this specific form of, of major gifts 453 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,680 fundraising before. And so part of my training is, 454 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:48,040 you know, when I'm meeting with, you know, current benefactors 455 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:53,000 or, you know, potential future benefactors, I'm going with 456 00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:55,640 someone that is a little bit more experienced than me. 457 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:59,080 And they do a great job of just like allowing me to, to run the 458 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,680 meeting. And then afterwards asking 459 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,600 questions of like, what do you think went well? 460 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,080 What do you think you could have done? 461 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:05,400 What, what you could have done better? 462 00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:08,400 You know, how did you think this particular part of, of, of the 463 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,000 meeting went? You know, and they're, they're 464 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:14,200 asking the questions from, you know, a place of, of expertise. 465 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,360 They're experienced themselves, you know, and so there's, 466 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,440 there's coaching that's happening there. 467 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,720 And I think it's, it's an interesting point that, you 468 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,680 know, when, when you're a public speaker, you know, and there's 469 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,160 people that are more experienced than you and public speaking and 470 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,960 have trained other public speakers, you know, there, 471 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,160 there's, you're going to allow those people in your life to, to 472 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,360 coach you, you know, and as you're growing in experience and 473 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,440 things like that, you could probably say, well, you know, 474 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,760 I'm, I, I, I hear what you're saying when you're giving me 475 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,000 that feedback. But also, you know, here's I, I 476 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,640 think I want to change it a little bit of what you're 477 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:45,760 saying. You can kind of you have a 478 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,680 certain experience level or expertise yourself when you're 479 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,880 in sports. You know, I played golf growing 480 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:52,680 up. I had a a swing coach, you know, 481 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,720 and I wasn't in a position to say, you know, like, Hey, you 482 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,160 got to take the club head back like this. 483 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,440 I'm like, no, well, I think I'm going to I'm going to do it like 484 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:00,800 this. It's just like you listen to 485 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,880 your coach. But then when it comes to when 486 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,360 it comes to more like interior things or personal things. 487 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:10,520 So just like, hey, whenever you're in this situation, you 488 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:14,800 come across this way, you know, or, or you tend, sometimes you, 489 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:18,200 you speak in a tone that is, is condemning, you know, in this 490 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:19,840 way. Or sometimes it seems like 491 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,240 you're, it's those pieces of feedback where it's like, OK, I 492 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,120 can, I'm, I have all these coaches in my life. 493 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,640 I have professional coaches, athletic coaches. 494 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,640 You know, John Michael, you're training for a high rocks event 495 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,440 right now down in, in Dallas. And you know, you've got a coach 496 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,480 there that's helping you to become, you know, the athlete 497 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,760 and the, and the competitor that you want to be in that event. 498 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,080 And it's like we allow ourselves to be coached in those 499 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:45,200 situations, but, you know, it's a lot harder for us when it's 500 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,120 those personal things. You know, it's like, why don't 501 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,720 we allow ourselves to have like a like a life coach? 502 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,960 You're like a spiritual coach that's able to to, you know, 503 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:57,240 draw those things out of us. But I think there's to answer to 504 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,360 go back to your original question, it's just like, when 505 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:01,520 do you when do you choose to ignore it? 506 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:05,480 I think that you also probably have to receive feedback within 507 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:10,520 like a certain context. You know, it's like, OK, is this 508 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,320 is this something that you know, if it's one of those more 509 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:16,400 personal things, is this something that multiple people 510 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,560 are telling me in my life? Is this something that maybe 511 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,480 just one person is telling me in my life for the public speaking 512 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:24,040 things like, OK, this is this person's opinion. 513 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:27,560 Let me go to other people and ask them the same question. 514 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,720 And if I'm receiving it from multiple parties, maybe that's a 515 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:34,160 time when I actually need to, you know, address the, the 516 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:37,120 change that needs to be made. But I I would feel like you'd 517 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:40,080 probably want to seek out advice for that situation that you're 518 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,800 talking about and ask other people if this is something that 519 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:43,960 they think you should change as well. 520 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,480 But sometimes you don't need to ask other people and you just 521 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,880 know that it's true. It's garbage. 522 00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:52,480 No, the other way around. Someone I'm like, I just know 523 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:56,920 this is true, right? And I I think the best feedback 524 00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:01,080 criticism I've ever gotten. Was. 525 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,120 And I think I need this every so often for myself. 526 00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:07,600 There's something a little that like a little sharp that just 527 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:09,840 cuts right through every wall I've put up. 528 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:16,720 And this was a trusted friend, a spiritual director, a mentor. 529 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,800 And we were meeting and I was just kind of feeling him and all 530 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:23,840 these problems that I'm having. He just looks at me and he says, 531 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:27,560 Jose, you need to stop being a little crybaby. 532 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:30,240 Now. He, he used different words, 533 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:33,200 been crybaby, but that just cut right to the court. 534 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:34,760 I didn't need to ask anyone else. 535 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:40,080 I knew that he was 100% correct. I knew that I, I was just 536 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:43,280 victimizing myself. All these things that were 537 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:47,160 happening, I was making myself the victim. 538 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:51,000 And sure, maybe I, I still sometimes fall into that, but 539 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:54,880 that completely changed everything for me, including how 540 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:58,040 I receive feedback or criticism in the future, right? 541 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:02,480 And, and that has really pushed me into this avenue of do 542 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,760 something about the feedback that someone's giving you, 543 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:09,920 whether right or wrong, right, It's whether change or what 544 00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:13,200 prove them wrong type of thing. Now we need to be careful with 545 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:17,000 prove them wrong mentality. So that I think that was a 546 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:20,800 moment where I was like, this is absolutely feedback that I need 547 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,280 to take with me. But with that, there's 548 00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:26,960 absolutely a lot of moments where people like, hey, can I, 549 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:30,400 can I give you some feedback? And you're like, sure, who are 550 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,760 you? You know, And then they give you 551 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:34,320 something you're like, what are you talking about? 552 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,680 So Clay and I, I, I'd love for you to speak into this. 553 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:40,080 You were, you were telling us how you think. 554 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,960 A lot of times criticism is kind of bogus and easy to leave it at 555 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:48,320 the door. Well, I think I, I, I, I do 556 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:51,560 think that that's true. I think that I mean, just, it's 557 00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:52,760 just the culture that we live in right now. 558 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:56,080 Everybody wants to critique everybody, you know, no one's 559 00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:57,960 willing to, to look at themselves and make changes 560 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:00,040 within themselves. Everybody wants to point at the 561 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:01,320 other person and say, you did this wrong. 562 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:03,680 You know, you, you should have done this differently. 563 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,320 You know, you, you, whatever, like whatever it is. 564 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,160 And I think that that's something that's happening in 565 00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:11,640 our culture right now is just that no one is willing to to be 566 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,240 reflective and to look at themselves and say, what do I 567 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:16,640 need to change about myself? Everything that's wrong with the 568 00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:19,400 world is everybody else but me. Everything that's wrong with the 569 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:22,480 world is, is all those, all those institutions, you know, 570 00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:25,520 everything that's wrong with the world is all the decisions that 571 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:27,120 that everybody else makes in their life. 572 00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:31,520 And that's the exact opposite of the Christian life, which is 573 00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:33,800 that the problem with the world is, is me. 574 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:35,640 You know, like I'm, I'm the broken one. 575 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:38,480 I need to look at myself and make changes within myself. 576 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,840 I just think people are. Way too quick. 577 00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:44,640 To just be condemning and critical of other people without 578 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,760 first taking a look at me, myself and I. 579 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:51,200 Absolutely. I think it was Thomas Jefferson, 580 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:53,520 potentially. That said, when I look at the 581 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:55,440 world, I see the greatest problem is me. 582 00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:03,960 Like, I think there's Ben Franklin, but there's that, that 583 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:09,920 that quote from Teddy Roosevelt, the man in the arena speech that 584 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:11,640 he gave. It's not the critic who counts. 585 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:15,760 It's the it's the man who's who's in the arena, who's marred 586 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:20,560 by blood, sweat, something along those lines. 587 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,600 He is my favorite founding father of this country. 588 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:25,320 Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt. 589 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:27,520 I've never actually read the whole thing, but I've seen, you 590 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:29,840 know, in like little graphics of it on like Facebook before. 591 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,960 His signature on the Declaration of Independence is is 592 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,560 outstanding. The one that's so big. 593 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,680 Yeah, it's just someone called it a John Hancock, actually. 594 00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:41,400 Yeah, it's so crazy that Teddy Roosevelt signed that and called 595 00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:42,920 it a John Hancock. Wild. 596 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:48,960 He went back in time. So I, I think what we're getting 597 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:51,880 to right and, and some, some of the things you were pointing out 598 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:56,160 is how can we stay confident and not let the opinions of others 599 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,640 derail us while still accepting feedback? 600 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,600 Yeah, right. So how do we how do we balance 601 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:06,040 that one? I think going to people that 602 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:11,440 really know us and having the ability to ask for feedback, 603 00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:16,760 that's how you go from a mediocre player to a top level 604 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,960 performer is that you're not waiting for feedback. 605 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:23,720 You were seeking out feedback. So in every moment you're like, 606 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:25,480 hey, can, how did I, how did I do on that? 607 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:26,880 Give me some feedback. Was it good? 608 00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:28,480 Was it bad? Where'd you, where do you see my 609 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:29,720 weaknesses? Where do you see my areas of 610 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:34,520 growth as a as a supervisor? I love working with people who 611 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:38,200 who asked those questions and I think working with and having 612 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,760 friends to where you can calibrate how your view of 613 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:45,680 yourself matches with how you're coming off is a valuable element 614 00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:47,720 to staying firm in that identity. 615 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,880 The other the other thing is often times we don't know how 616 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:52,760 we're coming off to people. That's true. 617 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:56,240 And so we need trusted friends to be able to say, hey, you 618 00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:59,160 know, you think that you're coming off with a sense of 619 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,160 confidence, but really you're coming off with a sense of 620 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:04,520 cockiness. And and when it comes from a a 621 00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:06,680 friend who's actually seen you in different environments, 622 00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:11,880 that's going to land. Can you, do you think you can? 623 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:13,280 What's the best way to get feedback? 624 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:16,400 Like can you? Can it be done over e-mail? 625 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:20,680 Via text, Snapchat? I. 626 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:23,200 Prefer I prefer a text with a hidden ink. 627 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:25,600 So they don't. They don't know what's coming. 628 00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:28,560 And the subject line on. Subject line says. 629 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:32,360 Feedback incoming. Feedback incoming Invisible ink. 630 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,000 Invisible ink. And then you send emojis. 631 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:39,040 You send a gift to articulate what you're trying to say and. 632 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:41,600 Then you had lol at the end lol. Lol JK. 633 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:47,920 Hey, some feedback you really need to you know I'd love for 634 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:49,480 you to change how you do this lol. 635 00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:55,320 Lol. Lol is the worst way to end any 636 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:59,360 statement because you just have no idea if they actually meant 637 00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:01,720 that or not. It's also a great way to make 638 00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:03,640 sure that no one takes anything personally. 639 00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:08,159 I hate you lol. You're a horrible person lol. 640 00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:13,800 So it's for for fake feedback. Or if or if you just want to 641 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,360 head your bet. Well, I think honestly, that's, 642 00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:18,679 that's kind of a great point is that sometimes when we're giving 643 00:34:18,679 --> 00:34:22,199 feedback, you kind of want to soften the blow a little bit, 644 00:34:22,199 --> 00:34:24,480 you know, where it's like, hey, you kind of do this thing, but 645 00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:27,120 like it's OK. Like, you know, and, and you're 646 00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:28,840 just kind of scared, you're scared to receive it. 647 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:30,800 So you're scared to give it to another person, you know, And 648 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,800 it's like you just got to be, if you're giving someone you know, 649 00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,920 whether it's positive feedback, probably the harder form of 650 00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:38,920 feedback to give us negative feedback, you should be clear. 651 00:34:39,199 --> 00:34:41,639 You should be concise. You should be just 652 00:34:41,639 --> 00:34:43,600 straightforward with the person in front of you, rather than 653 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:45,639 trying to, you know, beat around the Bush a little bit and kind 654 00:34:45,639 --> 00:34:48,679 of soften the blow with it. Yeah, 2 pieces of advice that I 655 00:34:48,679 --> 00:34:53,239 received from a previous manager that were extremely helpful and 656 00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:57,360 how I give feedback where one, right, if you're in a work 657 00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:00,480 environment where you do performance reviews is never let 658 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,560 the performance review be the first time that someone's 659 00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:08,000 hearing that piece of feedback. And two, address feedback early 660 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:11,960 so it doesn't build up into this huge thing. 661 00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:16,440 Let me pull out my 5 paragraph essay on all the things that you 662 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:17,680 did poorly over the last. Year. 663 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:18,680 Yeah. Because now I'm like, well, how 664 00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:20,560 long have you been thinking about this and holding back? 665 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:22,920 You know, you could have told me from the beginning I could have 666 00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:25,120 improved or done something different. 667 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,000 Absolutely. I think Gen. 668 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,360 Z is horrible at taking feedback. 669 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:32,680 I think they are. They are highly emotional. 670 00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:35,920 They are. You're saying they as if we're 671 00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:38,400 not right. I think we're almost Gen. 672 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,200 Z. Well I'm I'm. 673 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:44,600 I still don't know how old I am. I'm 29 last time I checked, I 674 00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:48,560 think might be 28. One headline I saw was the 675 00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:52,880 conifer was 95 was Millennium Millet Millennial. 676 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:54,760 That's right, 96 was Gen. Z, which makes. 677 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:55,800 Me makes me. Gen. 678 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:58,400 Z makes you millennial, Yeah. So this doesn't apply to you. 679 00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:01,320 So you can just tune out. But I think Gen. 680 00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:05,240 Z is is a bit of a snowflake generation in that they take 681 00:36:05,240 --> 00:36:09,360 feedback, it destroys them. You have to just massage their 682 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,320 ego. You have to give them all that. 683 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:15,400 You have to make stuff up positively so that their 684 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:17,560 identity is not too far destroyed. 685 00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:22,440 I think that's a huge problem I. Worry about that for workplace, 686 00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:27,000 for our country, that we have a potential generation of people 687 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:29,400 coming up that do not take feedback well. 688 00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,480 I think it might be a result of the family. 689 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:40,920 There could be a real result of, to me, it's probably a result of 690 00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:44,400 hearing feedback when you were younger that you feel like 691 00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:47,360 didn't apply to you. Maybe your dad was too harsh on 692 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:49,080 you. Maybe your mom was too harsh on 693 00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:50,840 you. And so now you just need 694 00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:53,520 everyone to affirm every decision that you've made in 695 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,080 life so that you can feel good about yourself. 696 00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,720 So I'm just going to go ahead and make sure I need to be 697 00:36:59,720 --> 00:37:03,400 affirmed in how I'm living and you need to affirm me. 698 00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:07,200 And if you don't affirm me, you are, you know, a, a bigot. 699 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,560 You are anti whatever I stand for. 700 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:12,120 That's a huge problem. Huge. 701 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:17,360 Yeah, I agree with you good. And I think you did a great job 702 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:18,960 at delivering that piece of feedback. 703 00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:22,400 It's a little. I do think that you speak a 704 00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,160 little loudly and that you move a lot. 705 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:29,000 For what it's worth, you give me 59 energy, so hey. 706 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:33,480 Hey, I just think you guys need to stop doing. 707 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:35,840 Why are you moving so much, you know? 708 00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:39,880 That's actually my preferred way of public to shimmy. 709 00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,840 All right, well, thank you guys for joining us today. 710 00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:49,040 I ask that you please share what is some of the best difficult, 711 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:53,320 hard advice, a hard pill to swallow that you've that you've 712 00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:55,080 got in your life down in the comments. 713 00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:58,280 Don't forget to like, subscribe and share this episode with your 714 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:00,080 friends. Thank you for joining us. 715 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:01,960 This is the All In podcast. We'll see you on the next one.