1 00:00:18,470 --> 00:00:22,990 Welcome lesbians, to this week's episode of Lesbian Supper Club 2 00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:26,550 podcast. You are joined by Scarlet today. 3 00:00:26,910 --> 00:00:30,150 If I sound a bit dodgy, it's because I feel a bit dodgy. 4 00:00:30,150 --> 00:00:34,550 Got back from New York and got a severe chest infection with 5 00:00:34,550 --> 00:00:38,640 laryngitis I think. Suspected influenza A and then 6 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:42,240 also what developed into pneumonia. 7 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:47,240 So it's been a really blissful week and a half to be honest. 8 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:50,600 As you could imagine. Never felt more single in my 9 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:55,560 life actually, other than when I was laid in bed coughing my 10 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:59,520 fucking guts up to the point where I could barely breathe. 11 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:06,480 Found myself choking on my own tongue and thought if I cock it 12 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,920 right now, there's literally no one around me to know that I'm 13 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,840 about to die. At which point I then did start 14 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:18,760 crying furiously because it was a really depressing realization 15 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,120 to be coughing until your lips go blue, not to be able to catch 16 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,760 your breath, then throwing up into your own hands from 17 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,920 coughing so badly and realizing just how alone you are. 18 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,600 But we made it through. I quite literally made it 19 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:43,080 through by the skin of what is the saying, the skin of my now 20 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,520 the skin of my teeth. Fuck knows, I just I barely 21 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,600 scraped by, but I did get there in the end. 22 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:53,440 So yeah, that wasn't great, but I feel like I'm just recovering 23 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:57,480 in time for Christmas and the festivities which come with 24 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,360 that. Although I feel like I've got 25 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:04,840 some weird side effects from antibiotics slash inhaler where 26 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,880 I just have constant heart palpitations right now. 27 00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:12,400 I have just rang the doctor about it because it doesn't feel 28 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,480 right. Like even when I'm I'm not 29 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,480 sleeping properly because I'm waking up with severe heart 30 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,600 palpitations which I then can't get back to sleep from. 31 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:24,840 So yeah, that's not been great. But I do think I'm on the app 32 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:28,200 and hopefully recovered in time for Christmas. 33 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:32,880 I'm going away this weekend to Harrogate with some friends and 34 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,040 2 little girls in my life. Who's my friends little children 35 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,360 and which will be nice because I think it's nice to be around 36 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,920 children at Christmas and I'm sure Harrogate's going to be 37 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,440 lovely. Then I will come back and go 38 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,360 home for Christmas and then I'll probably come back to London for 39 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,920 the bits in between. And then I'm going to Egypt with 40 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:53,120 my dad in January, which I'm really looking forward to 41 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,840 because I'm going to do some motocross in the desert, which 42 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,920 I'm really looking forward to after. 43 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,320 My little motocross adventure that I went on in Fuerteventura, 44 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,560 which was one of the best days of my life. 45 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:07,240 I cannot wait to to do that in the desert. 46 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:12,560 So please do send any Egypt recommendations and Sharm El 47 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:16,280 Sheikh, what did I want to talk about today? 48 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,520 Oh, first of all, I want to speak today about New York, 49 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:24,600 which was. Genuinely absolutely incredible. 50 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:29,800 Both events sold out and we had so many of you messaging us 51 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,360 asking for more events and asking if there was more tickets 52 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,120 because you guys didn't know about it and the the events 53 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,440 themselves. The evenings were just 54 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:41,800 incredible. Again, somehow managed to find a 55 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,960 similar vibe to the type of people and the reasons that 56 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,800 people come. Like for the London events as 57 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,280 well, which was incredible. Our first night in New York as 58 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:54,120 well was incredible. We held it. 59 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:57,080 Johnny's, there was like 180 of you there. 60 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,120 It was so much fun. And I just want to take this 61 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:06,000 time as well to say a special thank you to a legal mezcal who 62 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,320 were our first New York sponsor, our first alcohol sponsor in the 63 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,520 States. You guys were amazing. 64 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,680 We love Aliga Mezcal. If you don't know Aliga Mezcal, 65 00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:19,640 they're coming over to the UK. If you're listening to this in 66 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,640 America and you haven't tried them, try it. 67 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:26,920 Their story is amazing. The mezcal is amazing. 68 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:33,560 The brand is full of lots of incredible, kind, lovely, 69 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,680 genuine people. They as a brand have done so 70 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:43,400 much for not only LGBTQ plus communities, but local 71 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,120 communities around America and South America. 72 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,160 They have such an incredible story. 73 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,560 The background as to where Illegal come from and got to 74 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:58,560 where it is today is super inspiring and I feel so lucky 75 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:05,560 that LSE is able to partner with brands and work with people that 76 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:09,320 hold the same sentiments and narratives that we do and that 77 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:15,000 have done so much good for their respective communities whilst 78 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:21,000 bringing so much joy and community in their space as well 79 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,520 together. Like they do so many local 80 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:27,880 events, music events, they do so many like local events 81 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:32,400 themselves, like Illegal has done so many incredible sponsors 82 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:37,240 and supported so many amazing local charities. 83 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:43,240 It's really nice to be able to pair and collaborate with brands 84 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,640 that hold all of the right narratives. 85 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,640 So I'm super grateful to a Legal and I can't wait to be working 86 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,320 with them more in 2026. And if you haven't tried a legal 87 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:56,840 mezcal, try a legal mezcal because it is very, very nice. 88 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:01,120 It was like, I think only my second time trying it, and I 89 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:05,400 enjoyed it a lot. So I'm now a lesbian, a legal 90 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,960 mezcal drinker. That's another discovery that 91 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:12,080 I've had for 2025. I think people got to connect 92 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,080 and I got to speak to so many of you. 93 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:17,680 I know Freya got to speak to so many of you and we genuinely had 94 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:21,520 like such an amazing time. So I'm so looking forward. 95 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,680 To be able. To come back out to New York in 96 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,600 the new year, we are planning right now other locations for 97 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:32,480 2026 and there are some really big things in the pipelines. 98 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:37,520 I'm so excited about where that's going and I'm so grateful 99 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,640 for, as you know, as we've said before, just the continued 100 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,880 support is just always incredible. 101 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:48,280 And I can't believe we are actually now taking this brand 102 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:53,440 globally because of the support and like dedication and rallying 103 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:58,080 that all of you guys bring. It is just honestly mind blowing 104 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,440 to me. What did I want to? 105 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,680 Talk about today, I think talking about Christmas 106 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,560 etcetera. I wanted to kind of speak about 107 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:10,200 two things today. One being kind of the emotions 108 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:14,840 that come up when you dip after coming out of a long bout of 109 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,040 depression. And then I want to speak as well 110 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,760 about the feelings that Christmas time bring up for me 111 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,880 and probably bring up for a lot of you as well. 112 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:30,320 I think the last few weeks I have felt not myself as much as 113 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,080 I have done the last few months. And I know on this podcast, the 114 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,800 last few months I've been talking a lot about my journey 115 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,240 into healing and pulling myself out of a really dark period of 116 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,960 time in my life. And how much happier I've been 117 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:49,080 feeling and how grateful I was for how much better in myself I 118 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,400 felt and how much my life really felt like it is falling into 119 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:53,960 place. And I'm going to say is because 120 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:58,160 it's still is, because blips don't define the overall 121 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,280 picture. But over the last few months 122 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:04,280 I've been helping someone extremely close to me through 123 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:09,800 cancer, which just before I went to New York was an extremely 124 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,360 stressful time. And I got sick as well just 125 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,960 before I went to New York. And obviously New York was 126 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:18,880 incredible, but also it's, it's still extremely stressful to 127 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,200 make sure that we're doing the right thing and bringing the 128 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,560 right energy and bringing the right vibe and we've got the 129 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,360 spaces right. So it's super stressful as much 130 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:32,080 as it's incredible. And then just the admin of life, 131 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,360 you know, my dishwasher broke at the same time as my washing 132 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:38,280 machine broke and my fridge broke and trying to get all of 133 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,200 those things sorted as well when you're never really home. 134 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:45,480 And it was just a lot. And then getting I'll on top of 135 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,000 that, over the last couple of weeks, I have found myself 136 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:54,520 emotionally not as at peace or as resilient as I feel like I've 137 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:57,360 been the last few months. And some other stuff happened in 138 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,920 my private life as well, which knocked me about a bit. 139 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:06,840 And I haven't felt that like level of optimism and inner 140 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:10,120 peace that I would say that I've really felt the last few months. 141 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,840 And to be honest with you, it's really spun me out a bit. 142 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,480 I think because I was in such a dark space for such a long time, 143 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,480 I kind of made probably an unrealistic promise to myself, 144 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:25,000 which was I would never get back to that place. 145 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,600 I would never even want to touch the sides of getting back to 146 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,160 that place. And actually, that's not a 147 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:33,600 realistic way of thinking about life because so many things 148 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,040 about life are so far out of our control. 149 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:41,480 And I think for me now, the fear of ever feeling like that again 150 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:46,320 is so huge. That is so soon as my probably 151 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,400 the set of kind of rules and regulations in which I live my 152 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:55,360 life by now to be able to stay on a strong platform. 153 00:09:55,880 --> 00:10:00,120 If I feel one of those foundations begins to shake, I 154 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:03,520 have noticed that I really struggle with the concept of 155 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,320 like keeping myself grounded and looking forward. 156 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,480 So I know that I catastrophize anyway as a person. 157 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:14,080 I know this about myself, but I had got a lot better and I am a 158 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,040 lot better at being like, that's stupid. 159 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:18,960 I'm not going to let myself go there. 160 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,160 But I think since coming back from New York, being unwell, 161 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:27,000 kind of actually being able to sit back for a hot 2nd and just 162 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,280 process everything that happened in the lead up to New York. 163 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,320 And then also probably just actually sitting down for even a 164 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:38,000 small moment, I have actually found really difficult this last 165 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,600 week. And I've been thinking a lot 166 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:43,240 about what next year looks like. And I've taken a redundancy from 167 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,760 work. And so that's stressful. 168 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:46,760 As much as it's amazing, it's stressful. 169 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:51,040 And thinking about everything that needs to be done and 170 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,120 everything I want to do to be able to achieve the things that 171 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,800 I want to achieve and take this brand to where I want it to go 172 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,840 and what we want to do with the podcast and how we want to grow 173 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:03,360 that. And it is so amazing, but I put 174 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,560 a lot of pressure on myself and I think when you don't have a 175 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,320 moment to stop all the while that's stressful. 176 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,840 All the while that's stressful, you don't have a moment to 177 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,280 think. Whereas laying, being forced to 178 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:20,720 lay down in bed forced me into a space of thinking and I didn't 179 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,960 like it very much. So it's made me realise that I 180 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,600 don't think working on ourselves and the journey of working on 181 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:30,920 ourselves has ever really over because we constantly evolve and 182 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,440 we learn new things every day and therefore learn new things 183 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:36,480 about ourselves. But it definitely made me 184 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:40,320 realise again just how vulnerable we all are. 185 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,000 And I think we can all get into a space of thinking right. 186 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,040 Well, I've done the work now and I'm happier. 187 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,520 So I've almost reached this destination, but actually a set 188 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,720 of circumstances always due to change. 189 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:55,160 And I think the most strength we can show ourselves as being able 190 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,640 to walk through change. And it doesn't mean not being 191 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:01,720 able to suffer through said change, but being able to deal 192 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:06,720 with things in a way that allows us to process different 193 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,360 thoughts, feelings and emotions without getting stuck. 194 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:13,720 And I've noticed about myself the last week and 1/2, I've 195 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,480 really been ruminating and getting stuck on different 196 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,960 scenarios, which has really been affecting me. 197 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,200 It's been affecting my sleep. I think everything combined, as 198 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,760 I say, with being I'll has been really difficult. 199 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:30,640 And I've felt that glimmer of loneliness, like that deep inner 200 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:35,440 loneliness which I have felt before in my life. 201 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,480 And I didn't think that I would feel again and I did. 202 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,880 And when I did that then frightened me as well because I 203 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,800 thought shit. I've only really felt like I've 204 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,120 just come out of this space and got to a space where I don't 205 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,520 feel like that anymore, and now I'm fucking feeling like it 206 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,800 again. What does this mean? 207 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,120 I don't want to go back there. How would I go back there? 208 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,360 What would I do if I did? How would I get out of it? 209 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,920 I don't want to live in that and it's just getting to that huge 210 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:00,080 catastrophe. But actually, the last couple of 211 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:05,280 days I have made a choice to stop my thoughts from going 212 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:08,800 there and I've made a choice to continue to work on the things 213 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,240 that I love, continue to be around the people that I love to 214 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,560 be around, continue to do stupid things like dancing to Christmas 215 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:20,480 music in the living room and behave like a child. 216 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:24,480 Because in those little moments, those are the moments that I 217 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:29,560 feel like relieved from my own thoughts and give myself kind of 218 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:34,880 just a break from spiralling. So I kind of wanted to 219 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,080 highlight. There that if. 220 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:40,600 You are on a journey of your own self healing and discovery or 221 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,360 recovering from depression or you've recovered from depression 222 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:48,080 and you live as well in that moment of like in the back of 223 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:51,000 your mind always thinking what if I get back there and then 224 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,400 that at some point kind of becomes your reality. 225 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:58,040 Just know that it is normal and I don't think that we should 226 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:02,160 jump to punishing ourselves or questioning when we don't always 227 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,880 feel 100% and we're not always feeling happy in our strongest 228 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,920 within ourselves. That is is really normal and I 229 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:15,080 needed to remind myself that a lot that all moments in life are 230 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:19,040 temporary, the good and the bad. And therefore when you're in the 231 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:23,280 good, you don't think necessarily about going back to 232 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,480 the bad because you feel that strength inside yourself and you 233 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,720 feel that level of happiness and you're distracted by all the 234 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,360 good. And then sometimes when the not 235 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:35,360 so good creeps up on you, it feels huge and it feels 236 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,040 terrifying and it feels like you're taking 10 steps back. 237 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:40,800 I can assure you that you're not. 238 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:44,000 Because I can imagine if you're anything like me, when you were 239 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,160 down, you would have built yourself a toolbox and you would 240 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:52,160 have gone through really dark periods that you have built 241 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:56,920 resilience in and therefore you don't get back to those places. 242 00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:00,160 But even if you take 2 steps back, it doesn't then make mean 243 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,160 that you won't take another 10 steps forward in the next four 244 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,600 or five weeks. You have to just keep walking 245 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,720 forward. And it doesn't mean that you 246 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,520 walk forward and feel entirely happy all the time. 247 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:16,360 You can still walk forward and have laughs with your friends 248 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:20,280 and amazing moments and feel happiness and still have a bit 249 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,560 of sadness at the pit of your stomach or the heart 250 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,480 palpitations or the anxiety and the worry. 251 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:30,800 Those things can coexist with still celebrating your life, 252 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,600 celebrating how far you've come and being able to hold optimism 253 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:38,040 for the future. So I wanted to talk about that a 254 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:42,280 bit and just about how mental health and just the journey of 255 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:46,040 life is not one straight path. And as much as I have been on 256 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:50,520 here these last few months, talking about the transitioned 257 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,200 throughout my life of going to one of the worst places I've 258 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,440 ever been and then coming all the way up and having some of my 259 00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:00,560 happiest moments this year of my life, which is incredible, That 260 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,560 contrast. It's then OK to come back down 261 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:07,800 to like a 6070% and stay there for a bit and then get back up 262 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:11,320 to 100%. It's not always going to be all 263 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:15,120 or nothing, and you're not always going to stay in one 264 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:19,360 mindset forever. It's just impossible, both for 265 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:22,680 good and bad. And talking of mindset and 266 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,160 talking of slightly depressing things. 267 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:27,720 Yeah. So I don't like Christmas. 268 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:31,000 I don't really know where this has stemmed from, but this is 269 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,520 another thing. I always find that at Christmas 270 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,520 I feel depressed. I think it's a depressing time 271 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:41,280 of year and I'm sorry if you're joining this podcast today, 272 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:45,160 driving home for Christmas and feeling like yay and just turn 273 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,680 me off. Honestly, just turn me the fuck 274 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,800 off. But I have to speak my truth. 275 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,240 I can't pretend that I enjoy something I don't enjoy. 276 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,200 I don't like Christmas. I haven't liked Christmas 277 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,240 probably ever since I was young. I think it started with my mum, 278 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,000 'cause my mum always used to say even when we were kids she 279 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,040 didn't like Christmas and I think actually now that's a 280 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,119 really bad thing to do when you've got young children is to 281 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:07,960 say that you don't like Christmas so you can't wait to 282 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,640 take the Christmas tree down. Have had conversations with my 283 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,319 mum about it, To which in her very Somerset accent she 284 00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:16,359 responds saying well it is just what it is, I don't like it. 285 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:20,440 Which fair enough, I respect the honesty, mum, but at the same 286 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,200 time, like you did make a decision to have children. 287 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,000 So maybe like pull yourself fucking together for that. 288 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:28,920 So I think it stems from that is that there's always been like an 289 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,280 awareness of me. There's been a bit of a negative 290 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,280 connotation around Christmas. And that's not to say like we 291 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,800 don't have amazing Christmases because we do like I've got a 292 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:41,440 really big family and always either on Christmas Day or 293 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,040 Boxing Day, the whole family get together. 294 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,640 There's like 30 of us. Some of my cousins have had 295 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,440 children now. So there's lots of little kids 296 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,440 around. My family are crazy loud. 297 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:56,480 We are shameless. It's always fun. 298 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,800 Everyone gets stupid. There's never any like arguments 299 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,360 in my family. We don't really get to that 300 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,480 level of like politics at the dinner table. 301 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,240 Thank God. Can you imagine me and which we 302 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,160 will get onto. And so it's always fun. 303 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,800 Like I don't have bad Christmases. 304 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:17,080 I just find the run up and I don't know if this is like a 305 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:20,960 neurodivergent thing. I find it really overwhelming. 306 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,240 I think first of all I tell myself every year I really want 307 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,720 to enjoy it. But then every year I'm always 308 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,920 busy doing something or thinking, well, I'll go and do a 309 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:33,280 Christmassy thing next week, or do it next week, or do it next 310 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,240 week. And then before I know it, it's 311 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,240 already the week of Christmas. And all I've been doing still is 312 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,360 like working. And I haven't listened to a 313 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,320 single Christmas song unless it's been on in the shop. 314 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,400 And I haven't watched a single Christmas film. 315 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,160 And I haven't gone and done the Christmas shopping things or, 316 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,720 you know, even got myself a fucking like eggnog latte. 317 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:54,400 I've done nothing. So it just feels like suddenly 318 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,040 it's gone before it's even started. 319 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,320 It's like the week before Christmas. 320 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,960 I haven't lived in the moment of any of it. 321 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:05,000 And that makes me feel depressed instantly because I'm like, this 322 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,160 is now happening to me, It's happening around me and I'm not 323 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,600 in the moment. And now it's slipping away 324 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,760 before I've even got a chance to sit down and enjoy it. 325 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:17,080 So I find that really difficult and depressing because I'm 326 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,720 always thinking about it as well-being over before it's even 327 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,800 started. God, this is not saying a lot 328 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:28,800 about my mindset, is it? And then Christmas Day I find 329 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:33,040 really depressing, like I don't know what it is. 330 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:37,400 And I again, I try every year, but I just find it. 331 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,720 I think it is being on the spectrum. 332 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:47,960 It's like I find the fact that people almost put on performance 333 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,880 to enjoy it. I can see and feel. 334 00:19:53,360 --> 00:20:00,200 And so I'm waiting for it to be done because I find it difficult 335 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:04,720 to be kind of operating on that level of, Oh my God, it's 336 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:09,120 Christmas. And then when it is done, I feel 337 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,160 depressed because I've not enjoyed it. 338 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,800 I've not lived in the moment. And then another years passed 339 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,440 and I feel like I've wasted another year. 340 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,720 And I know it sounds so silly, but I wanted to come on here to 341 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,480 talk about that today because I know that I will not be the only 342 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:23,720 one. Because every time I come on 343 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,960 here and talk about something really fucking niche, loads of 344 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,840 you message me. But it is a sadness, like I 345 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:34,040 think like Christmas Eve is always all right because there's 346 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:37,280 still enough time to kind of revel. 347 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:41,720 And I do get that bit of like inner, like Christmas spirit in 348 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:46,400 optimism. And then I often go back to 349 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,960 Somerset. So I see friends and that's 350 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,480 really nice, like see friends that I've not seen in a long 351 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:54,240 time. And it feels like home and it 352 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:58,080 feels like we're, we all step back in time and, and that's 353 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:02,480 really nice. But then Christmas Day is just 354 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,600 all of that For what? That's what I find. 355 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,400 And I even remember feeling it as a child, like going 356 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:12,120 downstairs and us all being sat there and like opening our 357 00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,960 presents the whole time. I feel on edge and I don't know. 358 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,000 What it is? Please someone say you can 359 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,200 relate. I don't know what it is. 360 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,640 I just feel like I want this to be done, but I don't want it to 361 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,520 be over because I'm going to be depressed when it's over. 362 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,400 Because then it's done and I've not done anything and I don't 363 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,560 feel like I've enjoyed it. And then it's another 12 months 364 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,480 and I'm going to have to repeat this pattern again and this 365 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,600 cycle again because I don't know how to break out of it. 366 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,880 So yeah, I find it super sad. And there's, I think as well, 367 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,240 because there's always people around us who we know have 368 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,800 hardship in these times as well. Like there is someone who's 369 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,480 actively suffering with depression, or they've lost a 370 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,640 family member or their animal is ill, or someone else in the 371 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,400 family is ill, or they haven't got the money to be able to do 372 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,880 the things that they want to do. And all of that consumes me as 373 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,680 well because I'm just thinking about how other people are 374 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,760 suffering during this time. And if I feel the way that I 375 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,760 feel, which is just a bit melancholy when I've got so many 376 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,520 amazing people around me, friends, family, I've got good 377 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,800 health, you know, I'm financially stable. 378 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,200 I'm so blessed. If I feel like that, how do 379 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,080 other people then feel who don't have all of those amazing things 380 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:19,880 that I have? And now I say that out loud. 381 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,560 I'm like, Scarlett, put yourself to fucking gather. 382 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,760 But it is just, it's just a feeling. 383 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,360 And it's a feeling that I'd love to be able to stop. 384 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,800 But it's just one that I just get every year. 385 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,800 And then the lull between Christmas and New Year I'm 386 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,320 actually all right with because I can make peace with the fact 387 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:38,600 that it's done. New Year's, I think, is fucking 388 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,400 shit, let's be honest. Like, it's shite. 389 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,400 It is. It's again, it's depressing. 390 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,120 It's shit. Oh, clap, clap, clap. 391 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:48,640 It's fucking midnight. Great. 392 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,560 Now it's we've got to go into January and this is again where 393 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,320 my mind goes. I'm laughing at myself because 394 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,440 this is actually so bad, but like, great. 395 00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,920 Everyone's fucking skin depressed. 396 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,160 Everyone wants to go on a diet and go to the gym, no one wants 397 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,720 to drink anymore. Then we've got to just get 398 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:10,440 through that until payday end of January and then life starts to 399 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,040 go back to normal and it's just a distant memory. 400 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,680 So that's my hot take on Christmas. 401 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,360 I'm really sorry. That it is. 402 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,120 I've been such a fucking negative Nancy talking about 403 00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:25,400 that. What do we like about Christmas? 404 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,960 Right. I fucking love a Bailey's a lot. 405 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,040 I love a Bailey's. Although I've not been drinking, 406 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,680 so that's not really working out for me either, now is it? 407 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,120 Which I will get on into a minute. 408 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:38,440 So I like a Bailey's. I obviously love the food 409 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,240 associated with Christmas, but again, always seem to get sick 410 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,880 at Christmas time, lose my appetite, slay. 411 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,320 What else do I like about Christmas? 412 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,360 I love being around my family. I love being around like my nan 413 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,960 is such like a like, I just love my nan. 414 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:57,400 I love like my uncles and aunties and my cousins and their 415 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,480 kids. Obviously I love my mum and my 416 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,520 dad. I like being home in Somerset 417 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:06,160 and doing all of that stuff that reminds me of like walking the 418 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,400 dogs, going to the local pub, all of the things that remind me 419 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:14,400 of a really simple time in my life when I was about 16/17/18. 420 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:19,720 So I love that and I do love like getting up and being with 421 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:23,360 the family and having a hot chocolate. 422 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:26,520 Like I do find nice moments I do. 423 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,920 But it please someone tell me that they do understand the just 424 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,600 the lingering feeling of like melancholy. 425 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,560 That's the only way I can describe it toppled. 426 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:40,280 On top of that, a lot of you will probably be at home sadly 427 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:44,040 with like arsehole family members, which thankfully I 428 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,040 don't have to deal with because I would like to say most of mine 429 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,320 aren't. I also think a lot of them now 430 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,720 know that like, I am like a bull in a China shop when it comes to 431 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,920 things like politics, gay rights, not being a fucking base 432 00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:00,200 basic asshole. So I have established myself 433 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,560 enough in the family to know that like if you want to go 434 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:05,760 there, we're going, but just make sure that you're prepared 435 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:09,960 to go there because obviously despite the occasion, I won't be 436 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,720 backing down. So make sure you come prepared 437 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,480 with a lot of ammo in your back pocket. 438 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:18,000 So I think we've got to a point in my family now where we don't 439 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,360 we just don't bring up conversations like that. 440 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,200 And that doesn't make it necessarily right. 441 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,520 But I do think at Christmas is the one time we can all agree to 442 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,280 just shut the fuck up about certain things. 443 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,840 I think some families and some family members haven't quite got 444 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,800 to that yet. So if you are the only gay in 445 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:37,000 the family that's having to single handedly stick up to your 446 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:41,720 Uncle Pete, who's no doubt making comments about gender, 447 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:48,760 sexuality, race, Nigel Farage, Trump, etcetera etcetera, I'm 448 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:52,040 sorry that you have to deal with that added shit show on top. 449 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:54,000 My advice for that is they don't. 450 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,000 Personally, and this is probably terrible advice, I don't see 451 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,880 anything wrong with throwing a plate at the dinner table if if 452 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,040 needs be. Like, you've got to do what 453 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,200 you've got to do and if you've got to make an entrance, you've 454 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,360 got to make a point on the point that you're arguing. 455 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:12,040 You may as well go the full throttle. 456 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,240 Don't think there's anything wrong with spitting in people's 457 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:19,320 gravy if you know Aunt Marjorie is going to sit down and make a 458 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:25,160 comment that is in fact racist, homophobic, sexist about gender, 459 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,440 world politics, etcetera, etcetera. 460 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,200 Why not get ahead and season her gravy before she's even sat 461 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,880 down? All that says to me is you're 462 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,680 the type of person that thinks ahead and you're a caring 463 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:40,200 person. You know, I don't see anything 464 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:44,960 wrong with adding a severe bit of fucking malice to the dinner 465 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,720 table. We're living in treacherous 466 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,600 times. We're living in times where I 467 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:53,360 don't think these days, being the respectable queer at the 468 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,960 table. Is getting us far. 469 00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:00,960 So why not just be absolutely fucking disastrous? 470 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:04,080 So that's my advice on that. As I say, I'm not dealing with 471 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,680 it and I've removed, I will remove myself from situations 472 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,320 that now I think will cause that in my life because I just don't 473 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,400 want to be around it. I don't want to be around people 474 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:17,000 that are not able to think in the same way as me. 475 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:20,280 And when I talk about that and people say, well, you can't 476 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,560 always agree with everyone, OK, fine. 477 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,640 But there's a lot of things that I want to have people that 478 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,520 agree. Like I want to be around people 479 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:28,000 that agree with me on certain things. 480 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,280 And if you can't, we're just not aligned. 481 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:31,640 I don't want to be around you. Like there's certain things to 482 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:35,880 me where it's not about me having to open up spaces and 483 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,880 hold spaces for people where, you know, politics are concerned 484 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,560 or people's literal fucking lives. 485 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,200 That's not a place where I want to meet anyone in the middle and 486 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,080 be open to their opinion. I don't want to be around you. 487 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,160 I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to engage with you. 488 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,000 I think you're a fucking idiot. I think you're selfish. 489 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,560 I think you're stupid. I don't have anything to say to 490 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:55,800 you. I don't respect you. 491 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,960 I don't care if you were a friend to me for a really long 492 00:27:57,960 --> 00:27:59,760 time. I don't care if you are a family 493 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:01,960 member. I don't care if it's the two 494 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,480 year old's christening. If you want to go there, we can 495 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:07,960 go there or shut the fuck up. And that goes for Christmas as 496 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,760 well. So there's just another rant 497 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,200 there. That's my hot take on that. 498 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:14,080 Go balls to the walls. Don't see any problem with you 499 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,840 bringing in their divorce but the fact they may have cheated 500 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:19,600 on their husband and or wife. Maybe they have both at the same 501 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:21,280 time. The fact that you're not sure if 502 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,840 the cousin that you are really close with actually belongs to 503 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,640 both of them. I would go straight in. 504 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,920 Straight in with the snipe. I just I don't think anything 505 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,000 could be off limits. If you're going to go there, you 506 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,800 may as well just go the whole hog because what it will do is 2 507 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:36,920 things. First of all, you'll be asked to 508 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:38,440 remove yourself from the table. Great. 509 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,400 You don't want to be around those people anyway, AB they're 510 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,200 probably much less likely to do it next year if you go straight 511 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,680 for the juggler. And that's what I've learned. 512 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:50,120 It's not easy in the moment. You can sometimes get yourself 513 00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,240 in trouble. That does die down over time. 514 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,040 What doesn't die down is the sting of what you've said, and 515 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,360 it makes them less likely to bring it up the year after. 516 00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:59,920 And if they bring it up the year after, again, more for them. 517 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:01,560 They clearly enjoyed it and want some more. 518 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:03,800 Yeah, sorry for that little rant. 519 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,560 I'm getting, like I say, it's not an experience I have for 520 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:09,480 myself, but I can imagine a lot of you having to deal with that. 521 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:12,040 Maybe I should just bring in a speed dial service over 522 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:14,040 Christmas. It's actually quite twisted at 523 00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:16,600 how much like I'm enjoying the thought of doing that. 524 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:21,760 Like maybe the way that I spread Christmas tree is give out. 525 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:27,200 I buy myself a SIM on a burner and people ring me like what was 526 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,600 that British TV programme where you can phone a friend with that 527 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:33,120 angry lady? Where they go, I want to phone a 528 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:36,760 friend and then you guys are all at your dinner tables arguing 529 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:40,400 with Uncle Steven, Auntie fucking Geraldine or whatever 530 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,640 their name is. And you're just like, hang on, 531 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,800 need to phone a friend And you just phone me and put me on 532 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:49,480 loudspeaker, sit me on top the Christmas Turkey and I just 533 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:52,360 absolutely annihilate any family member you need me to. 534 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:57,320 I honestly don't think that that's a terrible, terrible idea 535 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:01,720 and maybe one that I will get in preparation for next year 536 00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,440 because I don't think there's a way that I would probably rather 537 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:07,400 to spend my Christmas. Actually me just ducking out of 538 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:09,960 my Christmas dinner. Sorry, I'm on a phone, a friend 539 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:13,680 for like 200 lesbians across the world or however many of you 540 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:16,000 there may be, sadly, probably a lot more because I think you'll 541 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:18,440 have to deal with a lot of asshole family members. 542 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,680 So yeah, me going on a massive rant. 543 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:25,960 But if you do not like Christmas very much and you do find it a 544 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,600 difficult time for whatever reason, like if you are one of 545 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:32,160 these people listening and you've lost someone close to you 546 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:37,480 this year or you're struggling with anything for any reason, it 547 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:40,680 is such a cliche. But you really aren't alone. 548 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:45,640 And I don't think any way you feel is wrong or you should be 549 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,720 punishing yourself for or putting pressure on yourself to 550 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:52,240 feel a certain way. And look, I've just spoken about 551 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:59,400 this at great length and again, openly spoken about how I feel 552 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,280 like there's a lot of pressure and a lot of build up. 553 00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:05,480 But ultimately, if you don't enjoy it, just remember that it 554 00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:09,320 is just one day. And we do base a lot on it, and 555 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:13,560 that's for capitalism. And it is OK to just want it to 556 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:16,800 be over and to just think it's actually just not my favorite 557 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,080 time of year. Like if I could have summer 558 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,640 every day, I'd never have Christmas again. 559 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:25,320 I don't think that that's necessarily a terrible thing. 560 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:27,200 We just all like different stuff. 561 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,040 I'm talking on that. I'm now going to talk about 562 00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:33,160 Better Help. So this is a paid ad by Better 563 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:35,160 Help. This festive season is full of 564 00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:38,680 traditions some cherish and others ready for a rewrite. 565 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:41,680 For some, it's about family rituals that have been passed 566 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,200 down for years, and for others it's about starting afresh and 567 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,720 creating new ones. Whether it's cooking something 568 00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:49,800 special with the people that you love, spending time outdoors, or 569 00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:52,920 simply slowing down for a quiet evening to yourself, what 570 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,440 matters is that it feels right for you. 571 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:57,520 This year, consider making therapy a part of your festive 572 00:31:57,520 --> 00:31:59,560 rhythm. It can become a new kind of 573 00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:01,800 tradition that helps you take care of yourself whilst you're 574 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,640 looking after everyone else. And it's a moment of perspective 575 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:09,000 and peace during what can be joyful but also demanding time 576 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:11,960 of year. I've been thinking about getting 577 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:14,320 back into therapy. I've not done it for the last 578 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:18,280 few months, which is probably not great, but I just wanted to. 579 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:22,000 I'd done it nearly weekly for 18 months and decided that I wanted 580 00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:23,440 a break. And I think, again, that's 581 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:25,840 absolutely fine. I am definitely going to step 582 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:28,640 back into it in the new year because life changes all the 583 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:30,840 time and different things happen to us. 584 00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:35,760 And I think it's good to revisit it always. 585 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:41,680 I think being able to have a blocked set of sessions and then 586 00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:45,760 go forward with life and then when things change, you go back 587 00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:49,800 and revisit and pick things up is never a failure. 588 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:53,720 Going in and out of therapy should be seen as the same as 589 00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:55,760 dipping in and out of your favorite restaurant. 590 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:59,400 It's just a part of life and I think it's so valuable. 591 00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:04,880 We should all prioritise it and build it into our day-to-day or 592 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:07,320 weekly. We should all build it into our 593 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:12,720 weekly plan wherever possible with with better help as well. 594 00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,080 There's a therapist match commitment, so better help does 595 00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,640 the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your 596 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:21,200 therapy goals, which makes it so much easier when you do first 597 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:23,720 sign up for therapy. It's a lot easier to find a 598 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,840 therapist and get to the right therapist so you're not feeling 599 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:30,400 like you're fatiguing yourself and having to waste time doing 600 00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:33,440 all of the admin associated to getting a therapist, which is 601 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,720 really difficult when you are not feeling yourself and you're 602 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:38,840 feeling down and you want someone to talk to. 603 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:43,000 With over 30,000 therapists worldwide and over 5000 local UK 604 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,440 therapists to help. As one of the leading online 605 00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:49,320 therapy platforms having served over 5 million people globally. 606 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:54,000 And it does work with an average rating of 4.9 out of five stars 607 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:58,000 for live sessions based on over 1.7 million client reviews. 608 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:01,880 So this December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. 609 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:08,960 Our listeners get 10% off at betterhelp.com/LSC. 610 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:17,960 That's better help help.com/LSC get to therapy lesbians. 611 00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,920 Now I'm going to move on to today's Horror Story, which I 612 00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:22,639 haven't actually read through myself yet. 613 00:34:22,639 --> 00:34:25,679 So we're entering this one together, but it is titled 614 00:34:25,679 --> 00:34:30,560 Horror Story involving ChatGPT. And that alone has gripped me 615 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:34,679 because I think as much as Chachi PT is amazing, it's also 616 00:34:34,679 --> 00:34:38,440 the devil because it's turning a lot of people that need to go to 617 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:42,360 actual therapy into what they think a therapist themselves, 618 00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:46,560 which isn't great. And it's also stopping people 619 00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:52,320 from being true to themselves in their behaviour or the way that 620 00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:55,920 they're responding to others during engaging in somewhat 621 00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:59,760 difficult conversations. And there have been a few 622 00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:03,640 occasions whereby I have noticed that I have been communicating 623 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,640 with someone and not actually been communicating with the 624 00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:09,080 person I've been communicating with ChatGPT. 625 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:16,920 And I think it's removing a lot of genuine, intentional and 626 00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:20,440 emotional conversations that we should be having with people 627 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:26,720 into very removed, overly created pieces of dialect which, 628 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:31,120 although in the moment can be seen as better if used 629 00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:36,200 incorrectly, is not always beneficial to either sides. 630 00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:40,920 So I am interested in this. Hi lesbians, I recently broke up 631 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:44,200 with my girlfriend and found one of her post breakup responses so 632 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:47,800 scary that I hope it deters any queer person from doing the 633 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:50,040 same. Me and my ex had known each 634 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:52,760 other for about a year and after a few months of dating she 635 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:54,760 wanted a more serious commitment from me. 636 00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:57,520 But at the time I was still seeing other people and wasn't 637 00:35:57,520 --> 00:36:00,080 ready and I thought that we should pump the brakes on our 638 00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:03,160 relationships development. Fast forward a couple of more 639 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:05,960 months and we're dating again and I finally get the nerve to 640 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,800 date her exclusively. We had a couple of months of 641 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:12,240 bliss and fun and then as time does tell, there became many 642 00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:15,920 situations where I was realizing she just wasn't my person. 643 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:19,240 The high level is I didn't feel appreciated as a partner and 644 00:36:19,240 --> 00:36:21,960 didn't feel that she was showing up for me like I was for her. 645 00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:25,400 Throughout our arguments and make up sessions we learned to 646 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:27,720 communicate about our perspectives and find 647 00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:30,040 understanding, which I was really proud of. 648 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:34,000 But after so many of the situations manifested the same 649 00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:37,280 way, I began to realise that we just aren't meant to be each 650 00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:40,320 other's partner. I unfortunately realise this 651 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:42,720 right before we had an international trip with our best 652 00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:44,960 friends. Bad timing I know. 653 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:47,360 I just thought if we could make it through the trip without 654 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:49,640 drama, we could continue to make it work. 655 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,000 Well. An argument the night before 656 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,440 really set us on the right direction and if you could have 657 00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:59,360 guessed it, the trip had drama. The last thing I wanted was to 658 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:02,240 break up with her during the trip, but I had such clarity as 659 00:37:02,240 --> 00:37:05,280 she was hovering over me yelling negative things about me to me, 660 00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:08,040 that I couldn't do this anymore and that the relationship did 661 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:11,000 not need to continue. And so with tears in my eyes, I 662 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:13,920 told her the love and care I have for her has led me to 663 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:15,920 clearly see that we are not meant for each other. 664 00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:19,000 Fast forward, we are taking some space from each other before 665 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:22,120 having a scheduled in person conversation about a week later. 666 00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:24,920 The day before we had a long text exchange, which I 667 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,920 absolutely hate doing when it's a serious or emotional dialogue 668 00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:31,280 and she opted to forgo our in person conversation. 669 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:33,760 Here's the meat of the Horror Story. 670 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:36,720 The day we were supposed to meet in person, I receive an e-mail 671 00:37:36,720 --> 00:37:39,440 from her. She must have schedule sent it 672 00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:42,480 to me because she asked if I could read the analysis that 673 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:46,800 ChatGPT outputted for her before we got together later that day. 674 00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:50,680 Oh yes, she wrote about four different moments of tension 675 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:53,840 that led up to our breakup, clearly from her perspective, 676 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:56,760 and chat broke down why I responded in the way I did, 677 00:37:57,240 --> 00:38:00,280 validated for her, for her approach, and highlighted the 678 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,080 difference in our attachment styles. 679 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:05,800 All I could think was wow, this is such a knit that you're going 680 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:08,440 to chat instead of your friends or therapists or family for 681 00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:11,280 validation. Also, anything that you put into 682 00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:12,880 AI is going to be tailored to you. 683 00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:15,240 How is chat really seeing both sides? 684 00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:19,640 Chat mislabelled my attachment style and labeled her as secure, 685 00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:23,120 which again, clearly chat isn't biased by her perspective. 686 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:25,800 I didn't respond to the e-mail and things are definitely 687 00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:28,160 sitting weird with me. I've been optimistic that we'll 688 00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:31,080 make it out as friends, but I don't know what's secure to do. 689 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,240 Peace and love and don't use AI to steer a conversation with a 690 00:38:34,240 --> 00:38:36,400 significant other. Anonymous. 691 00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:38,640 And yeah, exactly. This is literally what I was 692 00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:40,280 saying at the start of this conversation. 693 00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:42,640 And I'm so aware of this as well. 694 00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:47,480 Like, I'm not going to sit here and say that I don't use ChatGPT 695 00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:50,120 for certain things in my life, particularly when I have like 696 00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:52,520 some even sometimes emotional questions, right? 697 00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:56,880 But I think it can be super dangerous if people are using it 698 00:38:56,880 --> 00:39:00,080 to seek validation for themselves and not being 699 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:03,640 entirely honest with the way that situations have unfolded 700 00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:05,960 and also what part they have to play. 701 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:12,840 And I think for us lesbians who are messy anyway and then we are 702 00:39:12,840 --> 00:39:18,080 using a unbiased but also extremely biased function 703 00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:24,560 because this system is literally built to basically get to know 704 00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:28,280 everything about us and therefore become an inbuilt best 705 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:32,360 friend without much actual real life understanding of who we 706 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,440 are. Is dangerous and in the wrong 707 00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:40,160 hands is extremely dangerous, and I think we can all use it 708 00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:45,040 for difficult conversations or if we want to say something but 709 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:48,320 don't know quite how to say it in a way that could be said 710 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:51,400 softer or we want it to be a little bit more poignant. 711 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:55,880 We can draft messages within ChatGPT and get it to help and 712 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:59,360 support us. However, if you are using 713 00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:03,320 ChatGPT to navigate very difficult conversations in your 714 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:06,920 life, you need to stop doing that because you. 715 00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:10,960 It is ultimately going to tell you what you want to hear. 716 00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:13,480 And so I think that's dangerous for all of us. 717 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:18,720 And I also just think like as people, none of us are perfect. 718 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,880 And I think in a very fair applies world that we're all 719 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:27,120 living in, we are all seeking to be perfect people with perfect 720 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:30,640 responses to things. And I think whilst we can all 721 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:38,440 push ourselves to drive ourselves forward and be the 722 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:45,440 best versions of ourselves, we also need to accept that none of 723 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:50,000 us are perfect people and it is OK to have raw emotions in 724 00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:55,120 moments that are a little bit messy but are very real and are 725 00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:57,480 very reflective of who we are and how we feel. 726 00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:04,320 So just as a little PSA there, actually use ChatGPT very wisely 727 00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:08,920 because this community is already bad enough, right? 728 00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,840 When we're having emotional, difficult conversations, it's 729 00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:13,240 bad enough. We. 730 00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:18,960 Don't need ChatGPT adding to that and making us even more 731 00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:23,200 chaotic than what we already are if fallen into the wrong hands. 732 00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:27,720 So to this person, I think that you can have a real conversation 733 00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:31,720 with your ex about how ChatGPT should be used and how you would 734 00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:35,840 like to engage with her as a person, rather than a version of 735 00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:39,880 what she wants to say that has been cleaned via AI. 736 00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:46,200 Or rather actually become more messy by doing so and request 737 00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:49,720 that the conversations are kept as quote UN quote real as 738 00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:53,600 possible. That's my hot take on that. 739 00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:56,880 I think that's all I've got for you today, lesbians. 740 00:41:57,400 --> 00:42:02,640 It's our last event of the year this evening, so that's crazy. 741 00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:05,320 I actually haven't added up how many events? 742 00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:11,480 So if we say on average three a month for 12 months, So what's 743 00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:15,160 that? 36 + 2 in New York, 38 plus a 744 00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:17,960 couple? Fucking hell, we've done like 40 745 00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:21,680 odd events this year for LSE, which is insane. 746 00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:27,400 Like that's like over 45,000 bodies in one room. 747 00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:31,640 Like I can't even comprehend how incredible that is. 748 00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:35,920 So yeah, tonight is the last LSE of the year, so I'm very much 749 00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,920 looking forward to that. And if you're there, I hope you 750 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,760 have an amazing time. If you're not there because 751 00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:44,520 you're somewhere else around the world, your time will come next 752 00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:49,840 year and I will see you guys in the new year. 753 00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:52,880 And thank you again for supporting us, supporting the 754 00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:54,920 brand. We've got some really excited 755 00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:58,200 things happening in 2026. Cannot wait to take you on the 756 00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,320 journey with us. Cannot wait for lesbian 757 00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:03,840 domination to become even bigger and better again. 2025 has been 758 00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:06,080 amazing. 2026 is going to be even better. 759 00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:08,880 I love you all. Merry Christmas. 760 00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,440 Don't forget to cause chaos if it's necessary. 761 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:13,720 It is OK if you feel a little bit depressed. 762 00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:16,800 You're not alone. We'll go into 2026, which is the 763 00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:20,160 year of the horse, stronger. It's going to be bigger, it's 764 00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:24,640 going to be better, and I can't wait for us to have more fun, 765 00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:27,960 more lesbian visibility and more fucking chaos. 766 00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:30,320 Goodbye lesbians, I love you.