1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:05,080 Hi everyone, welcome to this weeks episode of Lesbian Supper 2 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:07,320 Club. I'm very happy today because the 3 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:12,880 sun is shining again in London and I have on a guest today who 4 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,640 I've been wanting to get onto the podcast for a really long 5 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:21,960 time because I think this person is an incredible advocate and 6 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:26,000 representation of the LGBT community, does so much 7 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,120 incredible work for the community and is a beautiful 8 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:33,480 voice of the community. And not only that, someone who I 9 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:40,640 feel a really strong safe safeness towards actually and 10 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,560 thinks a really beautiful person because Char, who I'm about to 11 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:49,400 introduce actually was someone who was there for me probably 12 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,600 more than you actually even realized during one of the 13 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,680 darkest times of my life. And it's really funny that you 14 00:00:56,080 --> 00:01:00,360 sometimes gravitate towards people who you know, we, we've 15 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,880 met a few times in person, but we're probably more 16 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:05,519 acquaintances than anything. Can I speak a lot about the 17 00:01:05,519 --> 00:01:07,160 beautiful friends that have around me? 18 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:11,200 But actually, during this moment in my life, you were someone who 19 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:17,840 really gave me a lot of hope and reinstilled a lot of positivity 20 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,680 and kind of a lot of strength to keep walking through a dark 21 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:25,120 time. And that was something that I 22 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,960 will actually never forget. I could probably name on one 23 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:32,360 hand people who really impacted me during that time and I don't 24 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,440 think would have I would have made it through quite in the way 25 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,880 I did without some people. And you were definitely one of 26 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,600 them. So I'm so happy that today you 27 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:44,600 get to share that light that I experienced with a kind of wider 28 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,240 audience. So Cha, please introduce 29 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,920 yourself. I can't introduce myself now, I 30 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:54,720 feel a little shy. Oh mate I feel like that 31 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,960 warrants like a hug or something. 32 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,800 Knee. Squeeze just a little. 33 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,680 Oh well, are. You OK now? 34 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,920 Yeah, I'm good now. I'm good. 35 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:07,640 I think days can always go from one to the other. 36 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,080 And I think that's part of the human experience is that some 37 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,640 days you wake up and you're like, I wake up with a spring in 38 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,320 my step. And other days you wake up and 39 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,680 you feel flat and you don't always have a reason for that. 40 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,760 But I think if I think about back to the person that I was 41 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:26,040 two years ago versus the person I am now, I don't recognize her, 42 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:30,880 and for good reason. But I'm also so grateful for 43 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:35,160 that period in my life because actually, despite it being hell 44 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:39,120 at the time, it has genuinely shaped me into who I am now. 45 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,880 And I feel so much more connected and understanding of 46 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:45,280 the person that I am and what I want from life having gone 47 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:50,320 through that difficult time. So in short, yes, much better, 48 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,800 much happier. Fantastic news. 49 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,840 I'm pleased to hear that because I do remember that time when you 50 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:59,760 were, you're really going through like your awakening and 51 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,160 yeah. So who am I? 52 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:03,480 Who is she? Who are you? 53 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:04,520 Who is she? Who is she? 54 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:09,240 Sure, fun fact, it's short for Charmaine, but like no one calls 55 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,000 you that unless I'm in trouble. Like that song Charmaine 56 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,520 Charmaine Delarosa, that is an absolute banger. 57 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:17,960 Thank you. It's not about me. 58 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,080 Oh, it's not about that would have been a good story, 59 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,240 actually. Is that before you realized 60 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,960 you're a big fat lesbian, you were the Sharma? 61 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,080 The Sharma in Delarosa. But no, not Spanish. 62 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,000 Don't have green eyes? Not 55. 4 Actually didn't think, 63 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,120 didn't quite think about. That also not 14 years old 64 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:38,040 anymore. But at the time, at the time, I 65 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,400 don't want to expose your age, but at the time of release. 66 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,640 I don't expose my age. What am I? 67 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,000 Who am I? What do I do? 68 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,720 I? Well, I suppose in my bio I 69 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:51,160 guess it says that I'm a light warrior and that I'm a black 70 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:54,480 autistic lesbian. I suppose. 71 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,960 I think that I, it probably sounds a bit pretentious and 72 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,400 arrogant to say, but I think I'm probably one of the like 73 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:06,480 original professional lesbians. Since I sort of came out, my 74 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,120 work has been within the community. 75 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:13,760 So if we talk work, yeah, I'm director of Birmingham Pride. 76 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:19,240 Birmingham is my hometown. I work for UK Black Pride, I 77 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,600 write for Diva magazine. I'm by trade. 78 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,600 I'm a peak performance coach. So I consult and work with like 79 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:31,080 businesses and individuals to try and help them do better, 80 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:35,320 feel better, be better. But generally I'm just like a 81 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:39,360 tree hugger, somebody who like waves at dogs and avoids the 82 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:40,960 owners. Me. 83 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,760 Hard me. Big time. 84 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,320 Yeah. I'm just, like, trying to leave 85 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,920 people better than I found them. I had like such a weird 86 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:53,400 experience growing up in like a small town and trying to come 87 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:58,000 out and feeling like a weirdo because of my autism, my ADHD, 88 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,400 and my dyspraxia. So I guess I've made a career 89 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:05,880 out of like trying to help other people see themselves and be 90 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,560 themselves and I guess that's what I do on the daily. 91 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,160 Oh, and I'm Aleza. Yeah, big, big first and 92 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:14,440 foremost. First and foremost. 93 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,360 So you wear a lot of hats. Yeah. 94 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:22,080 And what you said there are kind of about being one of the first 95 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,240 visible lesbians. And I would absolutely agree 96 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:30,160 with that as well. How long then have you kind of 97 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:35,160 been speaking out about your queerness and advocating for 98 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,560 queerness and equality? And I think, you know, you said 99 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:42,400 that I'm, I'm black autistic and I'm a lesbian. 100 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:46,320 And that's three pretty tough labels to wear. 101 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,520 And although it's, I'm sure, shaped you, and I know from 102 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,480 knowing the person that you are in seeing and watching you that 103 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:58,080 I wouldn't necessarily say it's something that you struggle with 104 00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,680 now. I think it's something that you 105 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,080 would probably say is a beautiful representation of who 106 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,760 you are, but maybe that wasn't always the case. 107 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:10,840 And so how long have you kind of been speaking out in this world 108 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:14,440 about these things and what has that journey looked like for 109 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:18,320 you? Well, I've been volunteering at 110 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,200 UK Black Pride for this is my 9th year. 111 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,480 And so I probably started speaking out about my queerness 112 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,280 about a year before that. So probably I'm like 10 years in 113 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:31,320 the game now. And it was all because I saw a 114 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:36,000 Facebook post from Lady Phil talking about UK Black Pride. 115 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:40,040 And before that I didn't, I didn't like, realize that you 116 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:45,240 could be black and queer. Yeah, I guess I'd seen, like, 117 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:50,040 growing up in the 90s, I saw, like, RIP, like Lily Savage and 118 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,840 like Graham Norton. And they were the only sort of 119 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,000 gay people. And they were like white gay 120 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,000 men. Yeah. 121 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:59,800 Like there was bad girls on TV, so there was like a little bit 122 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:03,560 of lesbian representation, but not ones that looked like me. 123 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:11,360 And so when I, I guess, accepted that it was OK to be all of the 124 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:16,320 things that I am, I really wanted to help other people see 125 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:20,120 that they could also be that. And honestly, if it wasn't for 126 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:25,800 Lady Phil being like a African black lesbian who's an activist, 127 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,000 I absolutely wouldn't be who I am. 128 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:33,480 And so I think I'm really into the idea of being able to pay it 129 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,200 forward. And it's like she paid it 130 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:40,240 forward to me and I've always wanted to pay it forward to 131 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:45,680 other people because you can't like I could hide my lesbian 132 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,280 identity if I wanted to. I could sort of play it 133 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,840 straight. And for the most part of growing 134 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:56,160 up, I was quite good at like playing neurotypical and people 135 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,400 not being able to see that I'm autistic. 136 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,960 But I can't take my skin off. Like you look at me and you're 137 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,520 like, oh, brown. So I really wanted to find a way 138 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,160 that all of those things that made me feel less and made me 139 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:13,160 feel othered could actually be something that I could celebrate 140 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,480 and talk about. And it hasn't been like, oh, I 141 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,960 just woke up one day and I just felt comfortable. 142 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:25,200 It's been like a compounding of unlearning all of these like, 143 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:29,000 ridiculous narratives that I had about myself and what I had 144 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,920 about womanhood and what I had about queerness. 145 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:36,159 Like growing up in Birmingham and like, you know, in the early 146 00:08:36,159 --> 00:08:40,240 2000s, going out on the scene, nobody dated women of colour. 147 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,520 And it was really normalized for me to like, try and chat 148 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,080 somebody up and then be like, oh, no, sorry, I don't. 149 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,480 I don't date black girls. Wow, they'd actually just 150 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,600 straight up. Straight up be like, fucking 151 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:51,520 hell. And I just thought that was 152 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,280 quite normal to the point where like, I'm ashamed to say it 153 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,200 like, that became my narrative as well. 154 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,560 I started being like, well, I don't date black girls. 155 00:08:58,680 --> 00:08:59,880 Wow. OK. 156 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,880 And so, like, I had to really unlearn that, like internalized 157 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,760 homophobia, the internal. You actually turned on yourself. 158 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:11,360 Yeah, because that was what was just societally normalized for 159 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:12,960 me. And I thought in order to fit 160 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,920 in, these are things that you like, these are things that you 161 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:21,520 do, This is how you show up. So my journey has been like, you 162 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,800 know, people talk about learning this and learning that. 163 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,440 I guess my journey has been like unlearning this and unlearning 164 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,240 that and like stripping all of these layers. 165 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:35,080 And I just have to thank like Amory and Rihanna because I look 166 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,960 like as soon as Rihanna Umbrella came out and was like, oh, brown 167 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,800 women are like, OK, we can date brown women. 168 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,520 Yeah. But yeah, they're not like. 169 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,680 I remember that music video very well. 170 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:52,320 I'd probably say 2% of those views are mine. 2 are mine as 171 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,160 well. We're just like we're making up 172 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,840 4% taking Commission. Look at us doing quick maths. 173 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,040 I mean, it's only two or two, but it's 200. 174 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,880 I'm taking maths, is not my Forte actually, so I'll take it. 175 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,520 Same. But yeah, being able to sort of 176 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:11,920 embrace myself really sort of pushed me to want to help other 177 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:16,560 people do that as well. And, you know, learning to be a 178 00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,520 life coach, I started off as a life coach, but then I realised 179 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,080 the industry was really like, insidious and horrible. 180 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,360 And I was like, I don't want to be that. 181 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:26,960 Yeah, I find that whole scene ironic actually, which is a. 182 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,760 Change your life in 24 days with. 183 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,920 Me like follow my seven book guide, I'm going to go online 184 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,680 and do a webinar and change your life. 185 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,880 I Yeah. And then sell you something that 186 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,720 costs £6,000,000. Yep, yeah, disgusting. 187 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,200 I've been seeing a lot of that recently actually. 188 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:43,680 Yeah. So since I distanced myself from 189 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,880 that sort of world and really start to figure out like, well, 190 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,640 where are the spaces where I can actually make a difference? 191 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,840 Who are the people who I can actually help? 192 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,720 And like, one of my mantras is who can I help today? 193 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,680 How can I help them? And I guess the universe, 194 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,000 because, you know, I'm a woo woo. 195 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,680 Bear 100% the universe answers. That question for me every day, 196 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:06,080 there's always something to do or someone to help or just a way 197 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,200 to show up. Did that even answer? 198 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,000 Your question, absolutely. And I think you said something 199 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,480 interesting then around giving back. 200 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,440 Do you think that the two things are synonymous though that 201 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:20,040 actually from doing this you have become because I definitely 202 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:24,560 find this, but this podcast is that advocating for others makes 203 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:28,880 me feel more myself and able to accept more of the things to 204 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,160 myself by fighting for them for other people. 205 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,960 Yeah. So for example, I would say that 206 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,720 I've always had basically a good relationship with accepting my 207 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:43,600 queerness. But since doing this podcast, I 208 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,960 feel even more strength in it, even more love towards it, even 209 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:52,840 more at home with myself because I like to be able to and want to 210 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,920 be able to provide that feeling of home and safeness within my 211 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,440 audience as well. And then actually thinking 212 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,800 about, like you say, thinking about kind of the little man, I 213 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:05,440 always say, or like the little woman, the people that don't 214 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,960 have the privilege that we are actually talking about right 215 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:13,080 now, which is being out and being visible that that drives 216 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:17,360 me to want to do it more. And whilst when I do it more I 217 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,880 then it gives me that inner reflection more about myself and 218 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:24,440 accepting myself. Yeah, it's like it's, I feel 219 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,400 like it's a form of growth and it's a form of healing. 220 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,480 And being able to advocate for yourself is really hard. 221 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:34,320 And when you get there, I think it's important to use that 222 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,160 privilege that you have to advocate for others. 223 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,320 It's almost like what was the point of view doing all this 224 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:43,760 growth and becoming the version of yourself I hate like the best 225 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,160 version of yourself. But I guess what I like to say 226 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,160 is your favorite version of yourself. 227 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:52,280 What would the point of being of being your favorite self if you 228 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,840 weren't going to enable others to experience that as well? 229 00:12:56,200 --> 00:13:01,040 It just becomes like selfish and insidious and and ego led. 230 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,560 And I think that is a trap that some people who are in a a 231 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:08,640 public square queer face, a public first place, a public 232 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:11,160 queer space fall into really easily. 233 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,960 That it can become this sort of really egotistical, really about 234 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:20,240 being seen, really about filling up their old wounds with all of 235 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,000 this glory that they are getting and the. 236 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:23,640 Performance. And that goes for the. 237 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,800 Of it and if you can get to a point where it's really just you 238 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,960 know, not about you like you said you recognise that you have 239 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:35,440 privilege and you recognise that you have I guess some level of 240 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:40,080 power, then the most responsible thing to do with that power is 241 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:45,000 to give it away empower somebody else and. 100% shine. 242 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,160 Yeah. Shine, I couldn't, honestly, I 243 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,800 couldn't agree with you more. And I think this is the kind of, 244 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,400 I speak about it a lot, the battle I have of myself with 245 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,960 this podcast, because when you're in these industries, 246 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,160 ultimately it is a performance you're performing in, in one way 247 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:01,280 or another, right? You're showing up and you're 248 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,480 putting yourself out there in a, in a digital world and in a 249 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:08,360 physical space. And I do believe as much as I 250 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:13,920 would hope that I am always working towards my 100% 251 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,360 authentic self. I think we all put on masks at 252 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,600 some point in our lives and in our day to show up into certain 253 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,840 spaces, not to hide. But there's certain 254 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,720 conversations that I would have, for example, if I was going to 255 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:29,200 advocate for queer rights in a political environment versus 256 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:35,520 being sat here with you now. But I feel that being able to 257 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:41,360 kind of show up in this way, but also check myself consistently 258 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:45,200 around why am I doing this is a huge thing. 259 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,440 It's like, am I doing it to serve myself? 260 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,920 Is there an ego thing talking here or is there a genuine 261 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:56,160 purpose behind this? And I don't think a lot of 262 00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:02,160 people are able to look at that sometimes within this industry 263 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:06,520 because it's so easy to just get swept up into the just the 264 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:10,960 performative element of it. Yeah, It's difficult for you to 265 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,720 get to a place where you've evolved to a place where you are 266 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:19,080 invited into these spaces without recognizing that by 267 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,880 being in those spaces, you have to then evolve again because 268 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,040 you're almost like playing a different game. 269 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,760 You're in a different arena. There's a different set of 270 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:32,480 people to be impressed by you. And that can create like, real 271 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,680 internal pressure. And that's where you have this 272 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,480 battle with your ego of like, oh, well, I've. 273 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,120 I was sort of a big fish in a little pond. 274 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:46,720 I've now gone into the big city. Now, do I keep that pattern and 275 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:50,480 keep that behavior and keep performing and keep trying to be 276 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:55,480 the best, or am I going to allow myself to be a part of this? 277 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,600 Yeah. And I think we don't always have 278 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:03,600 to strive to set ourselves apart from others if we recognize how 279 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,720 great we are as individuals and if we recognize how great 280 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,440 everybody else is, too. And I think once we get to that 281 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:15,440 place of that internal peace, we're no longer looking and 282 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,640 thinking about how we're being perceived or trying to compete 283 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,320 with anyone. We're just looking for who we 284 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,480 can help, how we can collaborate, and what good we 285 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,800 can do. And it it's such a game changer 286 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:32,040 when your perspective not only on yourself, but on what your 287 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,960 expectations of everybody else are. 288 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:40,240 It's like I find so much peace in just knowing that I'm, I'm 289 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,160 good enough. I am enough, I'm happy. 290 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,120 I'm at peace and peace. No one else can. 291 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,800 You know, no one else can take that away from me. 292 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:53,440 And if anybody else has more, that doesn't mean I have less. 293 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,960 It just means that abundance is out there. 294 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,720 And if it's possible for them, then it's possible for me to. 295 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:00,880 Absolutely. And I think the keyword that you 296 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,200 said there is peace. And I speak about this a lot 297 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:06,040 like you can talk about happiness, you can talk about 298 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,319 environment, you can talk about friends, you can talk about 299 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:09,920 family. But all of those things I 300 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:15,560 believe can be interchangeable and are often environmentally 301 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,640 they, they can change, right? Whereas if you find in a piece, 302 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,440 that's something you give to yourself and that once you find 303 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:27,960 that, it's very hard for other people or, or the world to break 304 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,440 it. But I think the journey to 305 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,720 finding it and it's kind of what I was speaking about at the 306 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,800 beginning of this episode can be really heart. 307 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,080 And I was thinking actually on the way over here. 308 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,880 You you speak there about kind of keeping yourself, checking 309 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,720 yourself and keeping yourself about how I came to know you 310 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,120 actually. And it was because I remember 311 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:53,120 you were one of the speakers at the I'm going to say it wrong 312 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:56,160 now, ESOP. They done one of the speaker 313 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,320 libraries like this must have been about. 314 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,640 The little person, yeah. And. 315 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:06,880 You got up and I remember being in the audience and I have to 316 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,640 admit, I've said this before, like a lot of the influence of 317 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,840 stuff with the events and things like that, I just hate like it 318 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,000 just the energy for me is horrendous. 319 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,520 I don't like it. I find it a creation and A and a 320 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,040 again, a performance and it's just not something that I 321 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,200 necessarily enjoy. I envy people who can walk in 322 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,160 there actually and enjoy it and take it for what it is, but it's 323 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,480 just not me. And that was one of the first 324 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,360 times that I was listening to you. 325 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,040 And it was actually, again, probably one of those self 326 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:38,040 reflection things of me of being like, oh, this person actually 327 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:40,880 just shows up the way that they want to and not the way that 328 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,800 they think that they should. And it made me actually, because 329 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:48,520 I think this was just about the beginning of the podcast where 330 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:56,960 it very much started as more of a narrative around the the irony 331 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:02,040 of some of the ways that lesbianism couldn't happen and 332 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,920 the relationships and all of the funny stuff that is part of the 333 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,320 community. Like we are in so many ways, 334 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:12,080 like a walking man when it comes to, you know, like long distance 335 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,560 you hauling all of that stuff, dating your best friend, then 336 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:16,880 breaking up, being best friends again. 337 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,920 And I love that about this community. 338 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,560 And I love the the comedy that comes with it and the shared 339 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:26,640 journey that comes with it. But I found that it was in the 340 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:30,440 early stages that that was kind of just becoming its identity. 341 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,520 And watching you made me have a hard look in the mirror of being 342 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,360 like Scarlett. You've put yourself in a box 343 00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:41,280 here that isn't actually, you don't feel like you doing this, 344 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,640 but you've kind of given yourself this label. 345 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,200 So you keep doing it. But every time you're doing it, 346 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:51,080 it's taking something from you. And so, yeah, being able to show 347 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,320 up authentically and what you're saying there is, I think, so 348 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:58,080 important. And you helped me kind of find 349 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,920 myself as well. And it goes back to what you 350 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,720 were saying at the beginning about the the people that 351 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:08,400 influenced you and kind of set the precedent for you and open 352 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,240 that. I don't think people realize 353 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,440 sometimes the powerful impact that they do have on others just 354 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:17,960 by showing up in an authentic, honest way. 355 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:22,680 As who they are, and I think you do that extremely well. 356 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,160 May make me all like. The mode. 357 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:29,240 Not on lesbian visibility. Yeah, talking of Lesbian 358 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:34,320 Visibility Week, actually explain to me what that means 359 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:40,040 for you. Well, I think if you like to 360 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:46,400 riff off of what you just said, it's like when I saw lesbians 361 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,520 who came before me being completely themselves, it gave 362 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:53,680 me permission to be completely myself. 363 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:58,800 And I think when I think about Lesbian Visibility Week, I think 364 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:04,120 about all of the ways that lesbians are dismantling the 365 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:09,440 patriarchy. Our invisibility, if you like, 366 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:13,680 is because of the patriarchy. As women, we are taught to 367 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:21,440 please men, to protect ourselves from them or to do something to 368 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,160 placate them. And as a lesbian, I don't have 369 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:30,600 to please a man. I'm in some aspects less at risk 370 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,440 from men so I don't have to protect myself. 371 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,640 From them. And I don't have to do anything 372 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:40,200 to give them pleasure because I don't need anything from them. 373 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,480 Yeah. And I, I'm, I'm not a man hater. 374 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,400 I love men. I've got like lots of best 375 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:44,800 friends. Who? 376 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,560 I hate that we always have to say that. 377 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,280 I mean just to just to let. Everybody I know. 378 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,680 But I hate how we have to say that because actually, do you 379 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,960 know what? In this, not even in this day 380 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,040 and age, but historically, if we were, we'd have every right to 381 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,080 be. But when I don't want it. 382 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,520 Like historically, lesbians have been the ones to support men the 383 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,000 most. Yes, yeah, all through them. 384 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:08,120 But I don't like that narrative that because if, if you wanted 385 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:11,000 to be a man hating lesbian, they've given us every reason to 386 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,720 be Oh yes, even as a woman, right. 387 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:16,560 Especially now with the recent publication that's just come out 388 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:23,080 like disgusting, disgraceful. But yeah, I I absolutely agree 389 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:28,400 with what you say around the how actually incredible and special 390 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:33,720 it is that we exist in a world that is so uncentred around men 391 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:40,160 and how incredible that is. It's like my favorite Bob Marley 392 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,640 lyric is emancipate yourself from mental slavery. 393 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:50,960 And as a lesbian, I feel like that is complete emancipation 394 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:54,400 from the mental slavery of the patriarchy and the, you know, 395 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,360 the saying like, men do rule the world. 396 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,640 Yeah, straight white sis privileged men, especially all 397 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:05,360 the world. And as a fucking black autistic 398 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:08,360 lesbian. I'm just paralleling is. 399 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:09,880 Disruptive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 400 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:13,640 I am a disruptor just by. Just by actually existing, even 401 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,920 though you're probably one of the most peaceful people in the 402 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,560 world, you're just causing chaos. 403 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,480 So when I think about lesbian visibility and what it really 404 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:27,840 means to me is, is like true liberation, Yeah, and true 405 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:32,240 freedom. And I want every little girl who 406 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:37,120 questions her sexuality or starts hitting that age and 407 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:40,360 realising like I remember and I have permission to use his name. 408 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,880 But like, every girl in school fancied Tom McChrystal. 409 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,880 And I was so like, why do I? All I could think about Tom 410 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,040 McChrystal was that he's really good at football and. 411 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:52,960 You could appreciate him, but you couldn't get it. 412 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:53,960 But I. Couldn't get it. 413 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,240 And I really thought something was wrong with me. 414 00:23:56,760 --> 00:24:02,520 And it took me such a long time to to know what was right with 415 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,920 me and to understand that, oh, I'm, I'm a lesbian. 416 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:10,400 And that's why I'm not seeing in this boy what everyone else was 417 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,600 seeing. And I want every little girl who 418 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,680 has that, you know, their own Tom McChrystal moment. 419 00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:20,040 I want them to have that sooner. I don't want them to sit in 420 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,040 their bedroom and write in their diary. 421 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,160 You know, I used to write in my diary. 422 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:29,040 You know, what is wrong with me? How can I changed like what can 423 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:33,120 I do to to be like other girls and you know, being like the 424 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:37,520 other girls is like, if I was like, if I if I had grown up to 425 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:40,840 be like the other girls, I absolutely would not be me. 426 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:44,320 I would have done such a disservice to who I. 427 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,920 Oh, I couldn't agree more with you. 428 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:51,280 So, yeah, I just, I think lesbian visibility is, you know, 429 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,960 it is for those who came before us to celebrate what they have 430 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,240 done. But I think for me, it's really 431 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:04,040 about those the next generation who are being out, who are being 432 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:09,760 vocal, who are being disruptors. It's about giving them the tools 433 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:12,680 that they need to really go for it. 434 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,880 I would say. Like, you know that saying about 435 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,600 like they walked so we could run. 436 00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,520 I feel like that's what I want to be. 437 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,440 I want to be one of those who is walking so that someone else 438 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:23,800 can. Yeah. 439 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:27,720 A. 100% I think lesbian. Lesbian can't even say. 440 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:31,120 It lesbian lesbian. Lesbian visibility week for me 441 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:34,000 is actually what you're saying. That is just a personification 442 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,840 of the fight, the fight historically and actually the 443 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,120 fight that we've still. Are. 444 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:44,960 Very much working on today because as you say, some people 445 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,600 walked so we could run, but now we're walking so other people 446 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,920 can run again. Because as much as the world has 447 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:53,840 progressed in so many ways, I also think it's winding back in 448 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:56,320 so many as well. It's progressed and digressed. 449 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,080 Yes. And the sad thing is, is that 450 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:01,040 the experience you speak about there in school, I had a similar 451 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,240 1. And I do think in so many ways, 452 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:09,680 hopefully a lot less young girls will have that experience 453 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:13,640 because people like yourself are showing up and giving that 454 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,080 voice. And because media and the 455 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,360 Internet and things like that do offer beautiful spaces for 456 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:22,280 people to explore and understand themselves and see people 457 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:26,040 outside of their little towns or their little villages that do 458 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:30,000 feel or look or act or they can resonate with more, which is 459 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,560 amazing. But alongside that, we've also 460 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:37,200 now got laws coming in every single day stripping away our 461 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,840 rights that we've spent years on. 462 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,800 So I think Lesbian Visibility week for me is not about just 463 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,280 the historical fight, but actually the one that we've got 464 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,920 now and sadly the one that we're probably going to inevitably 465 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:54,880 have for the future as well. And I think it's nice and such 466 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:59,320 an incredible thing that we can take this time to actually come 467 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,960 together and have these conversations as lesbians in the 468 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:08,800 media spaces who talk about such things to re evoke that 469 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:14,200 conversation and that situation around not only is it about how 470 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:17,720 far we've come, but actually it is just about how far we still 471 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,520 have to go. And we can only do that by 472 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:23,800 having strength together as well. 473 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:27,680 And that's what I love about Lesbian Supper Club is the the 474 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,400 beautiful community that we've curated from this podcast. 475 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,800 Yeah, it looks vibey every time I see the pictures on socials of 476 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:37,080 pub night. Yeah. 477 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:38,880 Vibe. I mean, it's chaos. 478 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:42,160 Don't get well, pub night's chaos, why night less so. 479 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,040 And there is chaotic elements to it. 480 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:47,240 But actually what is always so beautiful about it is the 481 00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:48,760 conversations that we have there. 482 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:53,680 Like I've had an incredible girl come up to me who lived in a 483 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:58,160 tiny little village in Egypt and was brought up by a single 484 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,640 mother. And she like there was literally 485 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,920 5 girls, I think, or five students in the classroom. 486 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:07,200 And she knew she was a lesbian from a really young age. 487 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,360 And now she lives over here in London and is, and she was 488 00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:15,760 talking to me about a friend of hers in Egypt who was also gay, 489 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:19,600 outwardly gay with well to her I think specifically. 490 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,920 But then now is married to a man and very much is the dialogue of 491 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:25,840 like, no, I'm happy now I'm married to a man. 492 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:30,040 And she's, you know, having to grapple with like, not losing 493 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,080 people, I suppose, but having to watch people that she really 494 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:36,840 loves and cares about put themselves in a box because of 495 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:40,840 fear. And yeah, I just think that the 496 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:44,480 community that LSE brings and the stories that is that I have 497 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:47,400 heard and also the connections and friendships that have been 498 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,000 made there is honestly incredible. 499 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,200 And I never, ever thought that that would be the case in 500 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:57,800 setting up this podcast, but I'm so happy that it is is the case 501 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:01,720 and is one of the biggest kind of pillars of LSE existing. 502 00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:04,960 Well done, Bob. Thank you. 503 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,600 I don't quite know how we've done it, but somehow we've done 504 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,080 it. Well, it is obviously needed. 505 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,160 And I think that's the thing, right? 506 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,920 Yeah. It's like if you build something 507 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:15,880 that is in demand, people walk up. 508 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:18,560 Yeah. And I think you don't often 509 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:22,520 recognize how much something is needed until you build it and 510 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:26,080 people start showing up. And like, on one hand, it's a 511 00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:31,920 shame that it has to exist and that people have to still feel 512 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:35,520 so isolated and wait for that one thing that they resonate to 513 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,440 to be able to show up. But then on the other hand, what 514 00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:42,880 a beautiful existence and what a beautiful space that you've 515 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,720 created for people to really sort of disarm themselves and 516 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:50,560 mask the versions of themselves that they put out into the rest 517 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:53,400 of the world and find a place where they can actually just 518 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:54,880 like, breathe. Yeah. 519 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,040 And I do find that with LSE because of the locations that we 520 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:01,080 choose and the way that it's set up, I do find it a very safe 521 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,600 space. And I would hope, and I think 522 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,280 the feedback that we have got is that other people feel the same, 523 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,680 which is super important because when we're selecting locations, 524 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,440 we're having conversations with brands and potential 525 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,120 collaborators. That is like the number one non 526 00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:16,560 negotiator. It's like you're either going to 527 00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:19,320 be here and advocate and protect us as well or like this isn't 528 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:22,520 going to happen. And that's been incredible. 529 00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:27,720 I want to just move the conversation on because you 530 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:31,440 mentioned at the beginning again of this podcast about all of the 531 00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:34,640 different things that you do. And I know that you're a very 532 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:43,000 busy person even still. And I think with being so self 533 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:46,720 aware and so conscious as a person, not only of yourself but 534 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:50,240 of the world and of the people around you and everything 535 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:57,320 alongside the objectivity of the physical strain of working can 536 00:30:57,320 --> 00:31:01,680 be a really, really difficult place to be sometimes. 537 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:05,520 And I know that you've spoken out about this on your page, 538 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:12,560 which was that a few months ago you suffered a complete burnout. 539 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,920 And again, going back to the conversation briefly at the 540 00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:19,640 start, I think what I spoke about as well that I went 541 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,520 through a couple of years ago was probably a touch of that and 542 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:24,400 a breakdown. So I went in with a double 543 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,960 whammy. And I would love and I'm sure 544 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:33,440 that people listening to this now will again completely be 545 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:36,000 able to resonate or if they can't resonate with me saying 546 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:39,960 the word burnout will probably resonate when you go on to 547 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:42,600 hopefully speak about the journey with that now. 548 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,440 And I really want to talk about it because I think it's 549 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:47,920 extremely important. And again, I don't think 550 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:51,440 something that is discussed enough because our lives online 551 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:56,320 are taught to be aesthetic and beautiful and positive. 552 00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:59,240 And I think there is a lot of stuff out there around what you 553 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,000 were saying with the life coach type things, but I think even 554 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:05,480 that's a performance sometimes and it's in itself a kind of 555 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:07,560 seven step guide to fixing your life. 556 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:09,560 Like piss off, do you know what I mean? 557 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:11,520 I don't want to swear, actually fuck off, I do. 558 00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:17,680 And so I'd love to hear from you about how that happened to you. 559 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:22,000 What was the final realisation that this was happening to you? 560 00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:25,480 And then how the hell did you get yourself out of it and get 561 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:32,760 back to now? Yeah, I guess burnout for me is 562 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:38,240 I guess polarizing because because I have autism and ADHD, 563 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:42,080 I experience really high highs and really low lows. 564 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:50,400 And I've gotten really good at navigating my diary, navigating 565 00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:55,080 my energy, navigating who I spend time with so that I can 566 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:58,840 generally stay quite balanced and enjoy the highs and feel 567 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:01,160 comfortable when I'm going through the lows. 568 00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:06,160 But last year at the beginning of the year, I set myself like, 569 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:09,760 I sat down with the Mando with the masked lesbians and we wrote 570 00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:13,200 down a list of goals because we do our little get togethers with 571 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:17,800 our personal development. And I was, I was on for 572 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:22,200 achieving things. I, I was sort of sick of sort of 573 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,240 being quite steady. Yeah. 574 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,680 And I was like, right, You've, you know, you've got a platform, 575 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,800 you've got a fucking brilliant network. 576 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:34,920 You've got all of the opportunities you need to, you 577 00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:35,880 know, you've. Got the tools. 578 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,000 So stop camping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 579 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:40,120 Look what you doing, girl? I've had a little world of 580 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:41,040 myself. You got you. 581 00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:43,560 You felt you'd got a bit too comfortable and just like, oh, 582 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:45,600 well, it's, it's an it's, it's decent. 583 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:46,640 It's decent. Yeah. 584 00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:48,320 Let's just roll. Let's just roll. 585 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:51,800 And you know, I thought about my 2 younger sisters and I was like 586 00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:55,520 I want to be an example to them of what you know a black 587 00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:57,640 successful businesswoman can look like. 588 00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:03,280 So I am going to amp everything up and for the first sort of 589 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,680 four months it was like really fucking good. 590 00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:10,920 Like liberating as well to RIP the past off and just run. 591 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:14,480 Working with like global clients, I'm travelling around 592 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:17,120 the world, I'm doing this, that and the other. 593 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:19,600 Like I was ticking things off my bucket list. 594 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:23,400 I was having the absolute time of my life and I really was like 595 00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:24,840 feeling myself. Yeah. 596 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:30,199 And I got really into my ego. I got into an ego space of like, 597 00:34:30,199 --> 00:34:32,040 well, if I can do that, then I can do that. 598 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:33,600 Which by the way, isn't a bad thing. 599 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:35,239 And I speak about this on this podcast. 600 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:38,719 I really dislike when people hear the word ego and think have 601 00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:41,280 negative like association tricks. 602 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:44,400 It motivates Ego is what gets us out of bed in the morning and 603 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:46,600 gets us all going. And when you're tapped into it, 604 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:50,159 it can be incredible because you run on a high of then inviting 605 00:34:50,159 --> 00:34:51,760 more beautiful things into your life. 606 00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:54,840 Absolutely. So I was like master manifesto, 607 00:34:54,960 --> 00:35:00,240 like on, on, on this fucking momentum of and feeling great 608 00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:04,160 and like I can do this and I can do this, like affirming I am 609 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:08,520 successful, I am powerful, I am all of these things. 610 00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:18,360 And about four months in, I started to feel tired and not 611 00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:24,000 tired as of like, oh, I'm a bit tired, but like, oh, I've just, 612 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:29,760 I feel like I feel a bit dizzy. OK, I feel a bit like spaced out 613 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:33,000 like woo. I need to like really ground and 614 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:36,600 being self aware, but also being quite woo woo. 615 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:41,280 I really misread myself. Yeah, I was like, I just need to 616 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:44,120 ground. I just need to do some earthing. 617 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:47,480 I and I hadn't really considered, but you have 618 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:51,840 literally switched gears, gone really, really, really fast and 619 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,520 then just gone like, oh, I need to ground like that is not how 620 00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:55,800 because. You're going from one extreme to 621 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:58,560 the other and your body is just not catching up My body. 622 00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:01,920 Was like, excuse me, can we stop? 623 00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:08,480 And I didn't stop. I pushed because, like I said, I 624 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:11,520 was in the space of being really, really good at telling 625 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,160 my body what to do. Yeah. 626 00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:17,040 And really, really fucking bad at listening to what my body was 627 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:17,760 telling me. Yeah. 628 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:19,480 And I think we all get like that. 629 00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:21,040 We're like, you can do it. You can. 630 00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:21,880 Oh. Just push through. 631 00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:22,640 Just push through. Yeah. 632 00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:25,160 It's a mentality thing. It's one more event. 633 00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:26,760 It's. And when the opportunity's there 634 00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:29,160 as well, and I don't know about you, but when you've grown up 635 00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:31,720 with nothing in this life and people are giving you 636 00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:35,640 opportunities, you you feel like you have to take them. 637 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:37,920 Yeah. Like the scarcity mindset was 638 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:41,480 real and I am very much an abundant person. 639 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:43,960 I always believe there's more. It will come to you it. 640 00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:48,280 Will come to me but I was in so much of an ego state I was had 641 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:52,000 so much momentum that the scarcity mindset really started 642 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,320 to kick in so it was like well I've if I just do one more and 643 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:59,200 if I just keep this momentum and then I'll and it and it's never 644 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,040 going to be enough when you're in scarcity mindset because we 645 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:06,160 don't matter how big the job is or how good it looks it's not 646 00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:09,680 fulfilling you it's not filling your cup all the way back up and 647 00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:13,160 you're you're working at a deficit and when you start to 648 00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:16,920 when I started to work at a deficit it just chipped away and 649 00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:21,440 chipped away and chipped away and chipped away and the moment 650 00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:28,720 that I realized that I in fact that's a lie there was no moment 651 00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:32,800 that I realized I didn't realize at all I woke up to go to UK 652 00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:38,600 black pride and I couldn't speak and all I could do was cry and I 653 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:42,520 was looking at my partner and she was like just lie on the 654 00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,720 sofa like you don't have to go to UK black pride and I was like 655 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:48,600 no I do I have to I have to go to UK because. 656 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:52,280 When you get into that mindset as well, you actually believe 657 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,280 that the world will fall apart if you don't do something. 658 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:58,200 Yeah, yeah. And I, I couldn't speak. 659 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:00,520 When I stood up. My legs were shaking. 660 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:05,680 I was like, not the glowy Dewey brown colour that I am now. 661 00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:10,440 I was like, grey. And my partner was like you. 662 00:38:11,720 --> 00:38:13,760 You literally can't. Yeah. 663 00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:17,240 It's not like you think you can. And you can push through. 664 00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:18,520 Yeah. It's like you. 665 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:20,480 You're at the line, babe. You. 666 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:24,320 Yeah, you, you're having a breakdown, You're having a 667 00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:26,920 burnout. And you are, you know, I think 668 00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:30,520 in the autism world, we either go like meltdown, which is sort 669 00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:35,680 of like high emotion, like feeling over sensory and, and 670 00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:40,800 like a, it can be like a verbal outpour or we go shutdown and 671 00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:44,880 it's like can't interact with the world anymore. 672 00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:48,760 And I was at shutdown. Like, I couldn't look at my 673 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:51,240 phone. I couldn't deal with the 674 00:38:51,240 --> 00:38:54,880 microwave pinging. I could hear every buzz of 675 00:38:54,880 --> 00:39:00,280 electricity in the house. And I really thought to myself, 676 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:02,880 am I, am I going to come out of this? 677 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:06,560 Have I really? Taken it too far that I can't. 678 00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:11,160 Walk too far that I can't. And so it wasn't, it wasn't a 679 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:12,720 realization and it wasn't a choice. 680 00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:18,280 It was like a emotional, mental, physical collapse, like a cave 681 00:39:18,280 --> 00:39:24,120 in and the the guilt and the shame that I felt because I was 682 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:27,720 like, what a knob. You've got all of this beautiful 683 00:39:27,720 --> 00:39:31,360 stuff around you. You're talking about me in 2024. 684 00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:34,200 It was the same thing. Like I couldn't even get out of 685 00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:38,600 bed to record this podcast. And I didn't want to that I got 686 00:39:38,600 --> 00:39:41,520 to a point where I just didn't care anymore either. 687 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:43,560 I was like, I just, I care so much. 688 00:39:43,560 --> 00:39:46,480 I don't care at all. Like I'd cared so much about 689 00:39:46,480 --> 00:39:50,320 failing that it had taken away any energy that I had to then 690 00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:51,800 actually get out of bed to do it. 691 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:55,480 And even now, like I, that was such a difficult time. 692 00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,480 And I'd got myself such to the edge that even now coming in 693 00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:01,840 here today, I still have to fight the negative connotation 694 00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:05,200 of who I was then walking into the studio and who I am now. 695 00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:07,920 And as soon as I do it now, because I'm not the same person, 696 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:12,000 I'm liberated in it. But before getting to that 697 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:15,760 studio or turning on a mic was like. 698 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:19,280 Putting someone in a room with their biggest fear of like 20 699 00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:22,400 snakes, for example, and it's the same thing. 700 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:26,120 It was like Scarlet. You have something at your feet 701 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,840 and in the palm of your hands that some people could work 702 00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:31,520 their whole life for and maybe not get. 703 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:34,800 And yet you're sat here and you've got a problem with it. 704 00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,920 And that internal fight with yourself is 'cause then the more 705 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:40,080 you just be grateful. Exactly. 706 00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:42,360 And then you hate yourself more. And then when you hate yourself 707 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:44,920 more, you keep yourself in that energetic space. 708 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,440 It's a horrible loop, yeah. And it's like you start just a 709 00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:50,080 question. Like what? 710 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:51,760 Like who you are. Yeah. 711 00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:53,040 And where you can go next? Yeah. 712 00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:55,360 Am I depressed now? Yeah. 713 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:59,120 Like, should I just, like, quit everything and just should I 714 00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:00,680 move somewhere else and start? Yeah. 715 00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,520 Literally, I just delete my Instagram. 716 00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:05,360 I was back in Somerset. I had a plan to move back to 717 00:41:05,360 --> 00:41:07,920 Somerset and live with my nan and just eat rich tea biscuits 718 00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:10,200 every day. Vibes because I, well, honestly 719 00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:13,760 still vibes because, yeah, I'd got to a point of such high 720 00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:18,400 capacity that I just wanted peace. 721 00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:22,640 Yeah, I just wanted everyone to fuck off, leave me alone. 722 00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:25,000 And that was it. I didn't want. 723 00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,800 I was just done. And not in a way that you talk 724 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:31,400 about like depressed, yes, because I think those things 725 00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:34,080 overlap. But more than that, just done. 726 00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:36,320 Just so exhausted. I was done. 727 00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:40,360 I just didn't have the energy anymore to do it. 728 00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:45,680 Yeah, and it comes with this like, like this shame, because 729 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:48,600 it's like, especially when you've done things so publicly 730 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:53,320 and people have a perception of, of being a person who is 731 00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:58,720 together somebody who they can come to for answers. 732 00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:00,920 And it's like, bitch, I ain't got no answers. 733 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:01,880 I've got nothing. I've got. 734 00:42:01,960 --> 00:42:03,480 Nothing for you. I haven't even got anything for 735 00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:08,560 myself. And just the shame of getting 736 00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:13,640 myself into a situation where I really thought that that was the 737 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:17,160 end of me being the version, this version of myself. 738 00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:20,000 And I guess I was right in a way, it was the end of me 739 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:21,320 because. You've had to reborn. 740 00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:28,400 Yeah, I had to rebuild my ego, rebuild the ego that I so 741 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:32,640 desperately need in order to like speak and to have this 742 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:36,720 persona and to have this energy and to help others. 743 00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:44,040 But it it took me to a place of really crumbling and then having 744 00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:48,400 an opportunity to reflect and be like, well, actually, you've, 745 00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:55,280 you haven't crumbled because you are bad or you are wrong or you 746 00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:59,440 are a mean person and you haven't like this isn't karma 747 00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:01,280 coming to get you because you're horrible. 748 00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:05,240 I'm laughing because. This. 749 00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:07,560 I feel like we've literally had the same experience. 750 00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:15,480 Because when I tell you, I spent about six months genuinely 751 00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:21,000 thinking that like the devil was going to just take like I'd like 752 00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:27,000 honestly, that I was like such a disgusting, awful, horrible 753 00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:30,160 person. That everything that I felt and 754 00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:33,600 that was happening to me, I absolutely deserved. 755 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:36,080 And that, like, this was just my destiny. 756 00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:38,920 Yeah. And it was like a form of 757 00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:42,160 spiritual psychosis, not. And I, we'll get into the 758 00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:44,320 spirituality actually, because I think it's such a beautiful and 759 00:43:44,320 --> 00:43:48,520 important thing. But in that way, it was like I 760 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:53,760 had done so much in a reflection amongst all of this happening as 761 00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:59,320 well, that it only would take one person to say something even 762 00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:04,440 semi negative. And I would be on a spiral that 763 00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:08,320 Oh well, my life's just over. Yeah, like I'm just like, like 764 00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:09,920 this is Armageddon's come for me. 765 00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:12,640 RIP me. And this is me now. 766 00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:14,400 Like they'll never Scarlet's gone. 767 00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:17,720 Like they'll I will just never become back to the person that I 768 00:44:17,720 --> 00:44:20,240 was or that I thought of myself as. 769 00:44:20,240 --> 00:44:23,480 And. When you have such a like a 770 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:26,400 strong perception of who you are, like who you are to 771 00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:28,680 yourself and who you are to others and what you represent 772 00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:32,880 and that is sort of shatters. It's terrifying. 773 00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:37,800 But it does sort of when you when you get when you move 774 00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:41,160 through it, you get to rebuild a version of yourself that you 775 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:46,520 like more and that is stronger and that has more resilience. 776 00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:52,960 And I think if I hadn't have gone through that burnout, I 777 00:44:52,960 --> 00:44:56,160 wouldn't be this version of me. I feel exactly the same. 778 00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:57,880 And I just feel so much more grounded. 779 00:44:57,920 --> 00:44:59,960 Me too. I feel so much more present. 780 00:44:59,960 --> 00:45:03,760 Me too. I feel so much more valuable and 781 00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:12,760 also less, less in need of having to do stuff in order to 782 00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:15,560 feel stuff. Yeah, we, we often. 783 00:45:15,560 --> 00:45:18,160 Resonate with that so much if I? Do this and I'm going to feel 784 00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:19,200 this. Well, actually, I'm just going 785 00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:22,920 to feel that feeling 1st and then I'll enjoy whatever The 786 00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:26,400 thing is that I was going to do rather than chasing the thing in 787 00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,760 order to get the feeling. Yeah, absolutely. 788 00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:33,720 And just for people listening, what practical things do you 789 00:45:33,720 --> 00:45:37,080 think you've done to rebuild yourself? 790 00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:39,960 Like where did you start? What were the stepping stones 791 00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:44,680 you took? Well, I started by like full 792 00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:48,400 transparency with the people in my life because it's not just 793 00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:51,320 the perception of myself that shattered and that I was worried 794 00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:53,960 about. It was the impact that I was 795 00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,600 going to have on the people around me. 796 00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:59,440 I didn't want to be a burden to my girlfriend or to my sisters 797 00:45:59,440 --> 00:46:02,440 or to my parents. So I had to be really 798 00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:05,760 transparent with them about what was going on for me. 799 00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:11,000 And I also had to reframe the idea that me going through this 800 00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:15,320 meant that I was a problem to them and that I was too much. 801 00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:18,920 I think it started off with having really transparent, 802 00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:23,760 honest conversations, and what that allowed them to do was then 803 00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:26,960 to support me in a way that I didn't know. 804 00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:30,280 Hadn't received before, Hadn't. Received before and to just be 805 00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:36,240 really cared for and protected. I think people will show up for 806 00:46:36,240 --> 00:46:38,160 you if you give them an opportunity to. 807 00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:43,000 And so I, you know, have such a great privilege of having people 808 00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:45,840 in my life who really like love and respect and care for me. 809 00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:50,280 So I had to start with, you know, real me and my girlfriend. 810 00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:55,360 We call it radical honesty. So radical honesty and then 811 00:46:55,520 --> 00:47:00,000 trying to get back to the things that I know bring like, I guess 812 00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,040 if I call it the essence of me, joy. 813 00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:04,880 That feels like you. That really feels like you, 814 00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:07,280 yeah. And that could be like, I love 815 00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:08,680 to doodle. Yeah. 816 00:47:08,800 --> 00:47:12,000 And I never made time to be creative anymore because I 817 00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:15,000 always had like a personal development book to read or a 818 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:18,440 person to meet or something to. Do it was a purpose LED thing, 819 00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:21,320 Yeah, but it was even if you enjoyed it, it was a purpose LED 820 00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:23,200 activity. It was transactional. 821 00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:24,840 It was. I'm going to do this in order to 822 00:47:24,840 --> 00:47:29,360 get this or to get to here. And so just finding ways to 823 00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:35,840 exert that need for creativity. Yeah, doodling, writing. 824 00:47:35,880 --> 00:47:40,360 I love poetry, so just giving myself an opportunity to write, 825 00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:45,440 not for the magazine or not for somebody else to read or 826 00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:49,040 perceive just what came up for me and what I was feeling just. 827 00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:53,960 Yes a moment to switch off and just enjoy the presence of doing 828 00:47:53,960 --> 00:47:56,320 something that you felt grounded you I. 829 00:47:56,320 --> 00:48:00,360 Felt grounded me. I'm big into meditation, so I 830 00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:05,280 love being outside in nature, hugging trees, feeding up 831 00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:09,520 leaves, taking my shoes off, being in nature and just really 832 00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:13,000 trying to connect to like a higher self. 833 00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:16,520 And I know people, they find it difficult when you talk about 834 00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:19,000 higher self because they're like, well, what does higher 835 00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:22,800 self mean? And it's really hard to explain, 836 00:48:22,800 --> 00:48:26,800 but there's almost like a vibration that you feel within 837 00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:28,280 you. Yeah, and you know. 838 00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:30,360 You know you. Feel if you do it, you know, 839 00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:32,560 yeah. And it's a feeling of like 840 00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:35,720 peace. So I was just searching for 841 00:48:35,720 --> 00:48:39,680 moments of peace. And then when I found those 842 00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:43,080 moments, just holding on to them, like staying in that 843 00:48:43,080 --> 00:48:47,720 moment, not thinking about what I've got to do next or moving 844 00:48:47,720 --> 00:48:50,800 on. Just really trying to to find 845 00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:54,720 presents again. And also, it's sort of a 846 00:48:54,720 --> 00:49:02,040 negative thing, but I just became really strict about who I 847 00:49:02,040 --> 00:49:06,480 was going to interact with and who I wanted to give my energy 848 00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:09,680 to. And just noticing where there 849 00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:13,520 was a lack of reciprocity in my relationships, where I was 850 00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:16,440 giving without receiving. And I don't mean it in a 851 00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:18,960 transactional way of like, you know, I gave this to you and I 852 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:22,840 expect something back, but who are the people who would take 853 00:49:22,840 --> 00:49:27,480 from me and not return anything or I wouldn't feel good after 854 00:49:27,480 --> 00:49:31,760 I'd interacted with them? And just note like really using 855 00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:36,480 this, you know, when you stop, when you start again, you have 856 00:49:36,480 --> 00:49:39,560 to start slowly. It's like if you like fall on 857 00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:41,640 the floor, you don't just jump back up. 858 00:49:41,720 --> 00:49:44,600 You like, you get up slowly and you sort of like stumble around. 859 00:49:45,080 --> 00:49:49,120 And through that sort of metaphorical stumbling around, I 860 00:49:49,120 --> 00:49:54,800 was just really cautious about how I felt around people and 861 00:49:54,800 --> 00:49:58,160 really aware of how different people made me feel. 862 00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:02,120 And I got quite cutthroat with my boundaries because it wasn't 863 00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:06,120 like, oh, I just don't like you or I can't engage with you. 864 00:50:06,120 --> 00:50:08,120 It was actually, you're really bad for me. 865 00:50:08,120 --> 00:50:09,560 Yeah. And if I keep. 866 00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:11,320 It's hurting me. It's hurting me. 867 00:50:11,320 --> 00:50:14,520 Even if you're not intentionally doing something, it's hurting me 868 00:50:14,760 --> 00:50:18,240 and I'm not helping myself. And I can't excuse the hurt that 869 00:50:18,240 --> 00:50:20,760 I'm feeling anymore because it's literally floored me. 870 00:50:20,760 --> 00:50:22,640 Yeah. Which means I can't excuse you 871 00:50:22,680 --> 00:50:23,960 anymore. Which means. 872 00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:26,720 Well, and this is the thing, when you're down at the bottom 873 00:50:26,720 --> 00:50:31,920 fighting for your life, you get to a point where it for me now, 874 00:50:31,920 --> 00:50:35,520 and it sounds so silly, the one thing I'll take from it is that 875 00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:38,560 I'll never get there again. I know I'll never get back there 876 00:50:38,560 --> 00:50:42,680 again because it quite literally did almost become life or death. 877 00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:46,200 So now it's you say about that you know the radical element of 878 00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:52,960 it. I don't care anymore, not 879 00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:55,400 because I don't care about the people that I love and the 880 00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:58,400 people around me. I would be hope to think that 881 00:50:58,400 --> 00:51:00,880 the people that are around me and the people that know me 882 00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:06,240 would back the person that I am. But there's so many things that 883 00:51:06,240 --> 00:51:10,120 I don't care for anymore to apologize for, excuse myself or 884 00:51:10,120 --> 00:51:11,840 explain. Because for me, it quite 885 00:51:11,840 --> 00:51:14,600 literally got to a point where it was my life or not. 886 00:51:15,320 --> 00:51:19,880 And so now I can't make reasons for that to people and I just 887 00:51:19,880 --> 00:51:22,760 don't want to either. Like I'm so disinterested in 888 00:51:22,760 --> 00:51:26,160 exerting energy in that way, which is I think what you're 889 00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:29,680 saying, it's like when you get that far down and you're the 890 00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:32,200 person that picks yourself up because yes, the people around 891 00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:34,600 you can be incredible, but ultimately it starts and ends 892 00:51:34,600 --> 00:51:36,320 with you. And I do believe that because 893 00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:40,480 me, for example, as much as the people around me were 894 00:51:40,480 --> 00:51:43,880 incredible, people weren't there at 4:00 AM when I was looking at 895 00:51:43,880 --> 00:51:47,480 my dog. Like, bro, how are we going to 896 00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:50,080 get through this? Because like, I actually really 897 00:51:50,080 --> 00:51:54,440 just don't know at this point. And it wasn't that I was 898 00:51:54,440 --> 00:51:59,160 suicidal, it was more that I didn't see light ever coming 899 00:51:59,160 --> 00:52:01,440 back into my life. So it was that that I was 900 00:52:01,440 --> 00:52:06,240 searching for. And that's that's when strength 901 00:52:06,240 --> 00:52:10,840 is built and the non negotiables are built like you say, now that 902 00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:13,480 you're selective. I spend a lot of time alone now 903 00:52:13,920 --> 00:52:18,160 and I love it. Like I really love it. 904 00:52:18,160 --> 00:52:20,480 I love not talking to people for 24 hours. 905 00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:26,040 That's like a, like a residual symptom of growing up as a 906 00:52:26,040 --> 00:52:29,520 lesbian. Like, you are so fearful of not 907 00:52:29,520 --> 00:52:34,160 fitting in and not being a part of a community that being alone 908 00:52:34,160 --> 00:52:36,200 is almost like your worst fear. Yeah. 909 00:52:36,200 --> 00:52:39,520 And when you go through something like a burnout or a 910 00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:44,080 depression or an awakening, you start to value actually I never 911 00:52:44,080 --> 00:52:49,000 needed to be surrounded by all of these things just to feel 912 00:52:49,120 --> 00:52:53,080 like I was a part of something. And being alone is actually part 913 00:52:53,080 --> 00:52:57,040 of me being able to reset and recharge and give more value to 914 00:52:57,040 --> 00:53:01,040 the people who actually deserve me. 100% in what you say they're 915 00:53:01,040 --> 00:53:04,520 about like you talk about the poetry and the things that you 916 00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:06,400 do. I mean, mine was slightly more 917 00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:08,920 aggressive. Let's say I got on a motorbike. 918 00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:14,960 Call that what you will, but I absolutely understand the 919 00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:18,720 feeling that you describe when you find something that brings 920 00:53:18,720 --> 00:53:21,000 you back to everything that you are. 921 00:53:21,520 --> 00:53:27,280 And that feeling of that higher self is how I feel when I'm on a 922 00:53:27,280 --> 00:53:29,120 bike. So cool. 923 00:53:29,320 --> 00:53:32,440 And I pull down a throttle a bit, not because I drive like an 924 00:53:32,440 --> 00:53:35,200 arsehole in the right environment or when you step 925 00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:36,880 off. It's when you get off from a 926 00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:39,880 ride. And the adrenaline you can feel 927 00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:45,160 like that for me is like you feel in that moment that nothing 928 00:53:45,160 --> 00:53:48,760 can touch you because your brain has been so focused just on the 929 00:53:48,760 --> 00:53:52,560 now for, you know, it doesn't need to even be long, 20-30 930 00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:55,160 minutes. It is like a meditation when you 931 00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:57,200 get off. Yeah, you. 932 00:53:57,320 --> 00:54:00,000 It's a flat line, but in the most beautiful way. 933 00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:03,040 And like I'm a Pisces that feel the same when I'm on the beach 934 00:54:03,280 --> 00:54:05,880 in the sea. It's that same thing but it's 935 00:54:05,880 --> 00:54:08,760 that duality of my personality lol. 936 00:54:09,800 --> 00:54:11,920 It's like the fire and the water. 937 00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:15,520 And I love both of those things for very different reasons. 938 00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:18,640 And that's where now like that's where I get my energy from. 939 00:54:18,640 --> 00:54:20,760 It's me. And that's part of it as well, 940 00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:26,040 like you mentioned the duality and going through like a burnout 941 00:54:26,040 --> 00:54:30,600 or like a meltdown or, you know, hitting rock bottom allows you 942 00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:33,360 to explore how multi. You have to reinforce, yeah. 943 00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:37,120 And you don't have to be this one version of yourself that 944 00:54:37,120 --> 00:54:38,880 you've spent your whole life creating. 945 00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:42,520 You get to fucking multifaceted. Yeah, you get to be. 946 00:54:42,560 --> 00:54:45,120 And that was my problem as well. And yeah. 947 00:54:45,600 --> 00:54:47,720 Professional and not and you get to be. 948 00:54:47,720 --> 00:54:50,360 All of the things. You don't have to define 949 00:54:50,360 --> 00:54:52,760 yourself as this one character that you've created. 950 00:54:52,760 --> 00:54:54,960 You get to be. And that's what was so hard for 951 00:54:54,960 --> 00:55:00,840 me because I felt so scared of judgment from other people that 952 00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:05,640 I was no longer the person that ticked the boxes of that moment 953 00:55:05,640 --> 00:55:07,840 in time. So I was like, well, people are 954 00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:09,360 going to think I'm a fake. People are going to think I'm a 955 00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:10,520 fast. People are going to think I'm a 956 00:55:10,520 --> 00:55:12,000 liar. People are going to think that I 957 00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:15,440 was lying then or I'm lying now. And now actually, no. 958 00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:19,240 Why the hell would I be the same person now that I was seven 959 00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:23,200 years ago? What an odd way for me to think 960 00:55:23,200 --> 00:55:28,440 that 16 year old Scarlett doing shots of Sambuca on the strip 961 00:55:28,440 --> 00:55:32,760 and cavos is going to be the 70. The same Scarlet now who just 962 00:55:32,760 --> 00:55:35,560 enjoys eating. Like it's not, we're not the 963 00:55:35,560 --> 00:55:38,920 same and that's fine. Like no one wants to see me 964 00:55:39,120 --> 00:55:42,200 doing a shot on a cavos strip anymore and no one's going to 965 00:55:42,200 --> 00:55:43,920 want to see fifty. Well, maybe they would want to 966 00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:46,280 see 50 year old me do it, but you, you know what I mean. 967 00:55:46,280 --> 00:55:50,040 Like how? How silly of me to think that I 968 00:55:50,040 --> 00:55:53,680 had to be the same. But it's also not even silly of 969 00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:57,400 you, because that's how society, it sets us up to think that we 970 00:55:57,400 --> 00:56:00,000 have to fit all of these things and we have to tick all of these 971 00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:05,720 boxes in order to reach the level of success that is OK for 972 00:56:05,760 --> 00:56:08,440 a person of this age. And it's like, actually, all of 973 00:56:08,440 --> 00:56:11,720 those things are bullshit, don't count, aren't real. 974 00:56:11,960 --> 00:56:16,320 What matters is how I fucking feel, what I need, and being 975 00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:18,120 able. To And that is yeah, and that is 976 00:56:18,120 --> 00:56:21,520 what is so ironic is that like it literally doesn't matter and 977 00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:24,280 yet we all spend every day thinking then it matters so much 978 00:56:24,280 --> 00:56:25,960 and people. Literally don't give a shit 979 00:56:25,960 --> 00:56:27,680 about you they're they don't about themselves. 980 00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:29,240 Exactly. So I always say to people like 981 00:56:29,240 --> 00:56:31,440 you're a passing thought, so there's not going to sit here 982 00:56:31,440 --> 00:56:33,680 and say people don't make judgment as part of the human 983 00:56:33,840 --> 00:56:38,120 behaviour, but you're 1 of like 1,000,000 thoughts per day. 984 00:56:38,120 --> 00:56:40,840 Like how silly of us to think that we are going to be the 985 00:56:40,840 --> 00:56:43,160 centre of other people's universes because we're only 986 00:56:43,160 --> 00:56:45,640 over the centre of our own and that's all that it should be. 987 00:56:46,600 --> 00:56:49,120 And it's just cute that people want like if people want to 988 00:56:49,120 --> 00:56:53,680 judge me, cool, Boo, judge me. That says way more about like 989 00:56:53,680 --> 00:56:55,560 your judgment of me has got nothing to. 990 00:56:55,560 --> 00:56:57,680 Do with you? Absolutely nothing to do with 991 00:56:57,680 --> 00:57:00,280 me. I want to talk. 992 00:57:00,280 --> 00:57:04,480 Then there's two things I want to talk about left, which again, 993 00:57:04,480 --> 00:57:06,800 I think is so funny because I think me and you were so similar 994 00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:09,280 in so many ways, which is. Pisces and Virgo is like a. 995 00:57:10,040 --> 00:57:11,760 Good friend vibe. Oh God, yeah. 996 00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:16,560 Which is the spirituality and the the autism. 997 00:57:16,560 --> 00:57:18,720 So I'm going to start the spirituality. 998 00:57:21,040 --> 00:57:23,320 And I think that ties into the burnout as well. 999 00:57:23,320 --> 00:57:26,200 And also, part of being a lesbian is that I find 1000 00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:28,360 spirituality. Yeah, because I think we are 1001 00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:30,440 higher power beings. Lesbians. 1002 00:57:30,440 --> 00:57:31,920 Sorry. It's lesbian visibility week. 1003 00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:34,200 We are. We are a better race. 1004 00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:36,800 I'm sorry. Like we are genetically involved 1005 00:57:36,800 --> 00:57:39,960 as a breed. The hats just aren't the same. 1006 00:57:39,960 --> 00:57:41,440 Like we are here. They're there. 1007 00:57:41,880 --> 00:57:43,640 It's a. Fact I don't think lesbian 1008 00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:47,760 should rule the world. 100% This is why they oppress us so much, 1009 00:57:47,760 --> 00:57:50,600 because they know. If lesbians grow it, but. 1010 00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:53,120 It fundamentally would. That's the thing. 1011 00:57:53,120 --> 00:57:55,160 It's like, I'm not even saying this from bias. 1012 00:57:55,160 --> 00:57:57,200 It's just a fact. It's fully factual. 1013 00:57:58,360 --> 00:58:02,840 So the spirituality. So I haven't spoken about this 1014 00:58:02,840 --> 00:58:06,080 at a great deal, but I think people know that I'm hugely 1015 00:58:06,080 --> 00:58:09,240 spiritual and always have been because I'm someone that has 1016 00:58:09,240 --> 00:58:12,600 always been very, I think awakened not only to religion. 1017 00:58:12,600 --> 00:58:15,320 I think, and I've spoken about this before, I'm not religious, 1018 00:58:15,320 --> 00:58:18,760 but I think spirituality, well, don't think spirituality is a 1019 00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:22,720 form of religion. And I'm not religious per SE, as 1020 00:58:22,720 --> 00:58:25,440 I would box myself as a Catholic, a Christian, a Muslim 1021 00:58:25,440 --> 00:58:28,720 or a Sikh, whatever that may be. But I love and appreciate and 1022 00:58:28,720 --> 00:58:30,920 think there's so much beauty that lies within religion. 1023 00:58:30,920 --> 00:58:33,440 And actually, what makes religion ugly is the world, not 1024 00:58:33,440 --> 00:58:37,840 the religion itself. And spirituality saves me over 1025 00:58:37,840 --> 00:58:40,640 and over again because what you've spoken about a lot during 1026 00:58:40,640 --> 00:58:44,640 this podcast, maybe actually even inadvertently, is an inner 1027 00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:49,600 knowing that if you ask for things, they generally will 1028 00:58:49,600 --> 00:58:52,160 come. And I do truly believe this. 1029 00:58:52,160 --> 00:58:58,600 And spirituality was probably the one thing that did keep me 1030 00:58:58,600 --> 00:59:01,520 going like that. Just an inner belief in telling 1031 00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:07,440 myself that no matter how I felt in that moment, it wouldn't last 1032 00:59:07,440 --> 00:59:11,720 forever because it simply couldn't is what kept me going. 1033 00:59:12,520 --> 00:59:15,160 And it was actually, I don't know if you know Florence 1034 00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:17,760 Huntington rightly, she's come on here. 1035 00:59:17,760 --> 00:59:19,560 You would love her as well. She's amazing. 1036 00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:23,400 She's very similar energy, incredible person. 1037 00:59:23,400 --> 00:59:28,560 And I was speaking to her at the time of this as well and of when 1038 00:59:28,560 --> 00:59:31,400 I was in this moment. And she sent me to one of her 1039 00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:35,680 healers, Kate. And it honestly did at the time 1040 00:59:35,680 --> 00:59:40,360 as well change my life because it just, it gave me so much hope 1041 00:59:40,400 --> 00:59:44,520 and realisation that there was so much out there that was out 1042 00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:47,280 of my control and that I could surrender to it. 1043 00:59:47,800 --> 00:59:49,640 And that felt like protection to me. 1044 00:59:49,640 --> 00:59:52,920 So it is my form of religion. And I think anyone who debunks 1045 00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:57,720 religion or spirituality is an uneducated individual because 1046 00:59:59,080 --> 01:00:02,280 how naive of you to think that you know everything about the 1047 01:00:02,280 --> 01:00:05,360 world when we don't even know how big the universe is. 1048 01:00:05,400 --> 01:00:08,800 How naive of you to think that you understand that black is 1049 01:00:08,800 --> 01:00:11,760 black and white is white and that grey area doesn't exist. 1050 01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:15,200 And that's a whole of a separate conversation. 1051 01:00:15,200 --> 01:00:18,920 But I remember going to Kate and it was one of the first days 1052 01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:23,560 that I went to her and she said to me, your spirit animal is a 1053 01:00:23,560 --> 01:00:26,520 fox. So always look, whenever you're 1054 01:00:26,520 --> 01:00:30,080 in doubt, look for a fox. And the next day I woke up in my 1055 01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:33,440 bedroom feeling the same that I'd felt probably for eight 1056 01:00:33,440 --> 01:00:37,320 months, which was just nothing, a mix of complete desperation 1057 01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:39,920 and also nothingness. And I looked out of my window 1058 01:00:40,040 --> 01:00:44,040 and there was a fox sleeping on the neighbour's roof next door, 1059 01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:48,600 basking in the sun and looking directly at me. 1060 01:00:49,440 --> 01:00:55,720 And that was the first time in a long time that I truly knew that 1061 01:00:55,720 --> 01:00:59,880 eventually it would be OK. It was just, I can't explain 1062 01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:03,680 what it was, but it was almost like, it was like a voice that 1063 01:01:03,680 --> 01:01:05,800 someone was like, you, You're going to be all right. 1064 01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:09,200 And for the months following that, one day I was driving, 1065 01:01:09,200 --> 01:01:12,400 next driving to Kate's actually to go for another session. 1066 01:01:13,200 --> 01:01:17,040 And I was crying in the car again, begging like I need 1067 01:01:17,040 --> 01:01:20,080 something. And I looked up and there was a 1068 01:01:20,080 --> 01:01:23,520 massive mural of a fox to the left hand side in the car. 1069 01:01:24,120 --> 01:01:26,400 And then there was another day that I was walking to the train 1070 01:01:26,400 --> 01:01:30,560 station again to to go somewhere for work and again crying in the 1071 01:01:30,560 --> 01:01:33,040 evening, completely alone with winter dark. 1072 01:01:33,040 --> 01:01:35,200 It was miserable. I was desperate. 1073 01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:40,640 And I was walking along on my phone and a fox just came out 1074 01:01:40,640 --> 01:01:43,720 from under a car and just sat in front of me. 1075 01:01:44,560 --> 01:01:50,040 And too many times those things had happened for it to not mean 1076 01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:52,560 something, you know? And I think it's hidden from the 1077 01:01:52,560 --> 01:01:56,800 world because if people don't understand it, it helps keep, it 1078 01:01:56,800 --> 01:01:59,160 helps to keep people controlled, to keep them vibrating on a 1079 01:01:59,160 --> 01:02:03,240 certain level. And you kind of again, brought 1080 01:02:03,240 --> 01:02:06,400 that to my life as well, sharing your spirituality and what that 1081 01:02:06,400 --> 01:02:10,000 means for you. And again, feel like tying into 1082 01:02:10,000 --> 01:02:13,240 the burnout and being queer and doing all of these things and 1083 01:02:13,240 --> 01:02:15,000 showing up and having a leading strength. 1084 01:02:15,960 --> 01:02:19,400 What does spirituality mean and do for you in your life? 1085 01:02:20,920 --> 01:02:27,720 I think it's it's about believing in something bigger 1086 01:02:27,720 --> 01:02:32,840 than me and and trusting that whatever it is that is bigger 1087 01:02:32,840 --> 01:02:36,760 than me is going to pull me through whatever it is that I 1088 01:02:37,200 --> 01:02:41,600 think that I'm going through. It's about knowing that if I 1089 01:02:41,600 --> 01:02:47,920 surrender to the Spirit, then it will guide me, it will carry me. 1090 01:02:49,120 --> 01:02:53,200 I grew up sort of, My mum was a born again Christian growing up. 1091 01:02:53,560 --> 01:02:55,880 And so I was christened and confirmed and baptized. 1092 01:02:55,880 --> 01:02:58,960 And it's one of the things that I thank her for most because I 1093 01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:03,680 wouldn't say I'm a Christian now, but I'm so glad for what 1094 01:03:03,680 --> 01:03:08,720 she taught me about faith and praying and connecting and 1095 01:03:08,840 --> 01:03:15,520 believing and just trusting. And like every day I say to 1096 01:03:15,520 --> 01:03:18,120 myself, I love myself. I trust myself, I am enough. 1097 01:03:18,640 --> 01:03:22,320 And the universe always reinforces that form. 1098 01:03:22,320 --> 01:03:25,080 Of course, because we all are an energy and and when you 1099 01:03:25,080 --> 01:03:26,960 understand energy, energy is science. 1100 01:03:26,960 --> 01:03:30,760 So when people again try and debunk this stuff, it's so it 1101 01:03:30,760 --> 01:03:32,840 bothers me so much. Yeah. 1102 01:03:32,840 --> 01:03:35,440 Separate situation, separate conversation. 1103 01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:40,320 When, when you have an awareness of your energy and what you're 1104 01:03:40,320 --> 01:03:44,200 putting out, an awareness of other people's energy and how to 1105 01:03:44,200 --> 01:03:48,040 protect yourself from it, it's almost like you're living in the 1106 01:03:48,040 --> 01:03:53,080 matrix because you are not necessarily seeing like I'm not 1107 01:03:53,080 --> 01:03:55,840 seeing people's auras or like seeing the numbers of the 1108 01:03:55,840 --> 01:04:00,280 matrix. But I can intuitively feel when 1109 01:04:00,280 --> 01:04:03,880 someone's genuine. I can feel when people are in 1110 01:04:03,880 --> 01:04:06,480 pain. I can feel when people are 1111 01:04:06,480 --> 01:04:12,400 frustrated and angry and I know when to be flexible enough, when 1112 01:04:12,400 --> 01:04:18,240 to move, when to connect and how to look after myself 1113 01:04:18,240 --> 01:04:22,720 spiritually. When I was about 16, I actually 1114 01:04:22,720 --> 01:04:26,840 had a near death experience. So I had a really complicated 1115 01:04:27,560 --> 01:04:31,680 illness when I was a teenager that carried on into my 20s. 1116 01:04:32,280 --> 01:04:36,960 And when I sort of had this really bad reaction to a 1117 01:04:36,960 --> 01:04:42,120 medication that I was taking, I lay in my bedroom and I said to 1118 01:04:42,120 --> 01:04:47,720 my mom, I'm going now like, wow, I'm going to a good place. 1119 01:04:47,960 --> 01:04:51,640 Like don't worry. And I looked at my bedroom 1120 01:04:51,640 --> 01:04:55,880 window that was opposite and I could just see like a light wow. 1121 01:04:55,880 --> 01:05:00,280 And I could hear like, I can't even describe the sound, but it 1122 01:05:00,280 --> 01:05:05,520 was like a song but also like humming and just also like high 1123 01:05:05,520 --> 01:05:08,240 frequency. And it just felt like pure 1124 01:05:08,240 --> 01:05:11,520 peace. And, you know, previously people 1125 01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:14,120 have told me like, oh, that was the medication that you were on 1126 01:05:14,120 --> 01:05:16,280 or that was because you had such a high temperature. 1127 01:05:16,640 --> 01:05:19,520 But I felt. You know, I felt. 1128 01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:25,000 Just so much peace and like literally straight after seeing 1129 01:05:25,000 --> 01:05:27,400 and feeling that and my mum being like you're not going 1130 01:05:27,400 --> 01:05:31,000 anywhere and her praying and, you know, being distraught as, 1131 01:05:31,040 --> 01:05:32,040 you know, a mother. Yes. 1132 01:05:32,880 --> 01:05:38,680 I literally sat up in my bed, vomited and the stitches that I 1133 01:05:38,680 --> 01:05:41,240 had from my surgery, like all came out and I was rushed to 1134 01:05:41,240 --> 01:05:43,560 hospital. And the hospital said, like, you 1135 01:05:43,560 --> 01:05:46,160 know, another hour, yeah, and you wouldn't be here. 1136 01:05:46,160 --> 01:05:48,240 Yeah. Again, I had similar experience. 1137 01:05:48,240 --> 01:05:53,560 Yeah. So I can't unhear and Unsee and 1138 01:05:53,600 --> 01:05:56,360 unknown and unfeel what I felt. Yeah. 1139 01:05:56,360 --> 01:05:59,280 And I also can't give it to anybody else. 1140 01:05:59,280 --> 01:06:05,800 It is mine and it is beautiful. And all I can do with it is try 1141 01:06:05,800 --> 01:06:07,320 to remember that. Yeah. 1142 01:06:07,320 --> 01:06:09,440 I am sacred. I am divine. 1143 01:06:09,440 --> 01:06:11,720 So are you. We are equal. 1144 01:06:12,120 --> 01:06:14,760 Let's try and show each other the light in each other. 1145 01:06:15,080 --> 01:06:17,720 And if you want to call that spirituality, if you want to 1146 01:06:17,720 --> 01:06:20,600 call that energy work, call it however you want. 1147 01:06:20,800 --> 01:06:24,040 But it is human connection. It is the vibration of the 1148 01:06:24,040 --> 01:06:26,760 earth. It is what makes us all 1149 01:06:27,240 --> 01:06:29,360 connected. It's what makes us, you know, 1150 01:06:29,440 --> 01:06:34,840 see an advert about progressive world country and see the 1151 01:06:34,840 --> 01:06:37,040 children starving and feel something. 1152 01:06:37,040 --> 01:06:41,040 It's what makes us look at like, you know, I'm a stickler for 1153 01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:42,720 like, seeing like an abandoned dog. 1154 01:06:43,840 --> 01:06:46,720 The dog charities and me have got a really difficult, 1155 01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:49,440 difficult relationship, me and animals. 1156 01:06:49,440 --> 01:06:53,440 I sometimes question myself because look, with people, yeah, 1157 01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:56,280 with people. It hurts me to see people 1158 01:06:56,280 --> 01:07:00,000 hurting 100% if I see I saw someone crying in the airport at 1159 01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:01,640 the other day and it was it made me cry. 1160 01:07:01,640 --> 01:07:06,240 But dogs, animals, it's like another level for me of like 1161 01:07:06,320 --> 01:07:10,160 pain that. Why would we have this pain in 1162 01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:12,000 a? Because it's not so it's not a 1163 01:07:12,000 --> 01:07:13,720 pain that you think about. It's something that you. 1164 01:07:13,760 --> 01:07:16,200 It's a may feel, yeah. And when you feel something, 1165 01:07:16,200 --> 01:07:17,840 that feeling carries A vibration. 1166 01:07:17,840 --> 01:07:22,160 So why would we have that if we weren't connected to something 1167 01:07:22,160 --> 01:07:24,600 higher? If we weren't supposed to be 1168 01:07:24,800 --> 01:07:28,880 helping each other and loving each other and having this 1169 01:07:29,360 --> 01:07:35,800 unspoken, not like not tangible thing that is in the space 1170 01:07:35,800 --> 01:07:38,480 between us. It's like, I don't believe that 1171 01:07:38,680 --> 01:07:43,480 there is space between us. I believe that in this air there 1172 01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:47,960 is energy, there is a vibration. And to some people, you know 1173 01:07:47,960 --> 01:07:50,880 when you walk into a room and you're like guided to a person 1174 01:07:50,880 --> 01:07:53,800 or you feel like they've got a good vibe or the absolute 1175 01:07:53,800 --> 01:07:57,720 fucking complete opposite way, you're like forced. 1176 01:07:57,760 --> 01:08:00,920 To keep you. There, that is how spirituality 1177 01:08:00,920 --> 01:08:04,680 shares it for me daily and it doesn't have to be in like a 1178 01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:08,600 prayer or a meditation or in the most divine way. 1179 01:08:08,600 --> 01:08:14,200 It can literally be in sharing a smile and being the version of 1180 01:08:14,200 --> 01:08:16,640 yourself that you like the most. 100% I agree. 1181 01:08:16,720 --> 01:08:20,120 With being a spiritual. Person and I find as well that 1182 01:08:20,439 --> 01:08:23,760 and my again the people around me do say this is that if I 1183 01:08:23,760 --> 01:08:27,120 speak something enough it will happen good and bad and I don't 1184 01:08:27,120 --> 01:08:29,760 know if that's just me or I think the more you're tapped 1185 01:08:29,760 --> 01:08:33,160 into it the more the the world receives it as well you. 1186 01:08:33,160 --> 01:08:34,760 Have a mental energy, right? Yeah. 1187 01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:37,960 Like when you put that thought out, that thought carries A 1188 01:08:37,960 --> 01:08:40,760 vibration. And if you have a visualisation 1189 01:08:40,760 --> 01:08:43,520 that goes along with that thought, then it becomes a real 1190 01:08:43,520 --> 01:08:45,600 thing that you can see. Yeah, 100%. 1191 01:08:45,600 --> 01:08:48,120 If that's a good thing, then you can absolutely move towards that 1192 01:08:48,120 --> 01:08:51,600 and like, actualise it. And if it's a bad thing, the 1193 01:08:51,600 --> 01:08:54,439 same is true. So you have to be in control of 1194 01:08:54,439 --> 01:08:58,800 the things that you are projecting onto yourself by 1195 01:08:59,040 --> 01:09:04,479 projecting them into your mind A. 100% like I do feel and find 1196 01:09:04,479 --> 01:09:09,800 that the things I've genuinely wanted in this life I have got 1197 01:09:10,359 --> 01:09:12,880 through actively. I'm not going to sit here and 1198 01:09:12,880 --> 01:09:15,439 say I've not worked for it as well and done all the necessary 1199 01:09:15,439 --> 01:09:18,279 living being things. I don't for people who are going 1200 01:09:18,279 --> 01:09:22,399 to be listening to this being of course, but genuinely the things 1201 01:09:22,399 --> 01:09:25,520 that I have actually do you know what I think it is? 1202 01:09:25,560 --> 01:09:27,760 It's what you're saying about going into a room, picking up on 1203 01:09:27,760 --> 01:09:31,000 the energy. If I think about wanting 1204 01:09:31,000 --> 01:09:35,319 something, because we can all want things all the time, but if 1205 01:09:35,319 --> 01:09:38,279 I think about wanting something and it feels like it's already 1206 01:09:38,279 --> 01:09:40,200 mine, it's innate to me, I've got it. 1207 01:09:40,520 --> 01:09:43,000 It happens. Like there's stuff happening in 1208 01:09:43,000 --> 01:09:45,720 my life now. Did I just know it was going to 1209 01:09:45,720 --> 01:09:49,479 happen in the next 6 months? Like I just know that these 1210 01:09:49,479 --> 01:09:51,080 things will just come to fruition. 1211 01:09:51,479 --> 01:09:55,240 And it's really odd because when I was in that dark space, 1212 01:09:55,640 --> 01:09:58,520 nothing happened because I didn't have the energy to 1213 01:09:58,520 --> 01:10:00,960 manifest or think about anything happening other than just 1214 01:10:01,600 --> 01:10:04,520 basically getting out of bed. So at that time, it was about 1215 01:10:04,520 --> 01:10:06,400 recovery and becoming who I am now. 1216 01:10:06,720 --> 01:10:11,640 And now it's like I know the things that I'm thinking about. 1217 01:10:11,760 --> 01:10:15,640 I can already see myself in that in that space. 1218 01:10:15,640 --> 01:10:18,680 So I just know that they will just that you are going to. 1219 01:10:18,800 --> 01:10:19,280 Come. Yeah. 1220 01:10:19,560 --> 01:10:20,840 And it's the same on the opposite. 1221 01:10:20,840 --> 01:10:23,960 Have you ever met a person who's like, super negative? 1222 01:10:24,160 --> 01:10:26,520 And then when negative things happened, they're like, I knew 1223 01:10:26,520 --> 01:10:28,480 that was going to happen. And it's like, yeah, of course 1224 01:10:28,480 --> 01:10:30,400 you knew it was going to happen because you've actually been 1225 01:10:30,480 --> 01:10:32,200 putting it out there since I've known you. 1226 01:10:32,480 --> 01:10:33,480 Yeah. Can you stop? 1227 01:10:33,480 --> 01:10:33,920 Babe. Yeah. 1228 01:10:33,960 --> 01:10:36,120 Like, yeah. And what's that saying? 1229 01:10:36,120 --> 01:10:37,440 What you think about, you bring about. 1230 01:10:37,520 --> 01:10:38,760 Yeah. And it's like, well, think about 1231 01:10:38,760 --> 01:10:42,200 something different, babe. Change the station, change the 1232 01:10:42,200 --> 01:10:46,920 frequency that you're on. Because I believe in projection. 1233 01:10:46,920 --> 01:10:55,240 And I think that you learn to you learn to accept what you 1234 01:10:55,240 --> 01:10:59,040 expect a. 100%. If you are expecting bad things, 1235 01:10:59,040 --> 01:11:01,680 you start accepting them and you're like, oh, it's fine. 1236 01:11:01,680 --> 01:11:02,960 Because I knew that was going to happen. 1237 01:11:02,960 --> 01:11:04,280 I knew she was going to break up with me. 1238 01:11:04,280 --> 01:11:05,560 I knew they weren't going to text me back. 1239 01:11:05,560 --> 01:11:06,920 I knew I wasn't going to get the job. 1240 01:11:07,200 --> 01:11:09,680 And it's like you're fine with it because you've, you've, 1241 01:11:09,760 --> 01:11:12,040 you've learned to expect it and so you accept it. 1242 01:11:12,480 --> 01:11:16,800 But if you expect better for yourself, you will only accept 1243 01:11:16,800 --> 01:11:19,240 better for yourself. And start better for yourself 1244 01:11:19,240 --> 01:11:21,840 internally because all of those examples there with these people 1245 01:11:21,840 --> 01:11:24,520 are based on other people or things precisely. 1246 01:11:24,520 --> 01:11:27,640 Stop putting it on other people and put your energy back to 1247 01:11:27,640 --> 01:11:30,520 yourself and then things will literally walk towards. 1248 01:11:30,520 --> 01:11:33,640 You then yeah, but people get. Stuck in this exactly, But 1249 01:11:33,640 --> 01:11:35,040 they're stuck in the cycle as well. 1250 01:11:35,040 --> 01:11:37,640 I'll be happy when, yeah. It's just literally giving your 1251 01:11:37,640 --> 01:11:38,880 power away. Giving your power away. 1252 01:11:38,960 --> 01:11:41,640 And I, and I really am a massive believer as well. 1253 01:11:41,640 --> 01:11:46,520 And the the same lesson will keep coming back to you until 1254 01:11:46,520 --> 01:11:48,920 you learn. And I've learned I've mastered 1255 01:11:48,920 --> 01:11:52,880 this now as I know when I'm in a lesson phase and I know to learn 1256 01:11:52,880 --> 01:11:54,560 the lesson and walk away really quickly. 1257 01:11:54,840 --> 01:11:56,440 Otherwise it will keep repeating. 1258 01:11:56,600 --> 01:12:00,720 And I'm so good now at mastering, oh, I know this is a 1259 01:12:00,720 --> 01:12:02,960 lesson. And even though I want to do 1260 01:12:02,960 --> 01:12:07,040 this, my gut's telling me it's got to be this and I'm going to 1261 01:12:07,040 --> 01:12:10,440 trust that. And it comes back round every 1262 01:12:10,440 --> 01:12:13,400 single time for me now it's. Hard to learn to trust yourself 1263 01:12:13,400 --> 01:12:15,080 but. I think it's one of the. 1264 01:12:15,080 --> 01:12:20,040 Most important lessons to and I think it's an only a lesson that 1265 01:12:20,040 --> 01:12:23,880 you can learn by failing at it. Yeah, you have to, you have to 1266 01:12:23,880 --> 01:12:26,360 get it wrong in order to get to the point where you get it 1267 01:12:26,360 --> 01:12:28,920 right. But once you learn to trust 1268 01:12:28,920 --> 01:12:32,800 yourself and to trust your instinct and to follow it, you 1269 01:12:32,800 --> 01:12:36,840 just, you have so much more peace because you know that 1270 01:12:37,000 --> 01:12:40,840 there is this internal guidance system that is going to take you 1271 01:12:40,840 --> 01:12:44,840 to wherever you point it to go wherever you want to go. 1272 01:12:45,200 --> 01:12:48,720 And it's going to keep you away from the things that you don't 1273 01:12:48,720 --> 01:12:51,840 want in your life anymore. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. 1274 01:12:53,560 --> 01:12:58,240 And then finally, but not, not, not one of the most important 1275 01:12:58,240 --> 01:13:00,000 things actually we could be speaking about. 1276 01:13:00,000 --> 01:13:02,400 As much as it's Lesbian Visibility Week, it's also 1277 01:13:02,400 --> 01:13:06,920 Autism Awareness Month. How long have you known? 1278 01:13:07,360 --> 01:13:10,480 Sorry, I don't want to say how long have you known because. 1279 01:13:10,480 --> 01:13:14,480 Risen with autism, I'm about. Funnily enough, me and you also 1280 01:13:14,480 --> 01:13:16,440 are on the same trajectory in this and I've not spoken 1281 01:13:16,440 --> 01:13:21,320 publicly about this before so that's interesting, but when 1282 01:13:21,320 --> 01:13:24,280 were you diagnosed? Not until I was. 1283 01:13:24,280 --> 01:13:25,840 I don't want to give my age whatever. 1284 01:13:25,840 --> 01:13:33,520 Just say how many years ago? 89. 8-9 OK, OK, interesting. 1285 01:13:33,840 --> 01:13:36,640 Yeah, 8-9. I first spoke about it publicly 1286 01:13:36,640 --> 01:13:39,880 6 years ago. And what did that look like for 1287 01:13:39,880 --> 01:13:41,760 you? How did you get to a point? 1288 01:13:41,760 --> 01:13:45,520 Because again, and I'm going to be the person who says it 1289 01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:47,640 because I'm going to play devil's advocate because this 1290 01:13:47,640 --> 01:13:51,440 is, this is coming from me, who I actually have. 1291 01:13:52,600 --> 01:13:54,760 I'm in the process. And I'm not even sure if it's 1292 01:13:54,760 --> 01:13:57,800 the process, a process that I'm going to continue, which I can 1293 01:13:57,800 --> 01:14:02,720 speak about briefly. How much did it change you when 1294 01:14:02,720 --> 01:14:05,920 you got that diagnosis, if it changed you and how did that 1295 01:14:06,560 --> 01:14:12,840 come about and how did it feel? I guess it changed me because it 1296 01:14:12,840 --> 01:14:22,160 gave me, what's the word? It gave me something to look at, 1297 01:14:22,160 --> 01:14:26,080 to go, oh, that's why. I'm like a handbag. 1298 01:14:26,080 --> 01:14:30,400 This makes sense. Now, I'm not just a weirdo and 1299 01:14:30,400 --> 01:14:35,200 I'm not behind all of my peers and I'm not lesser and I'm not. 1300 01:14:36,200 --> 01:14:38,120 Different. Different, but you are but 1301 01:14:38,120 --> 01:14:39,680 you're not. Yes, but it's in your own 1302 01:14:39,680 --> 01:14:42,480 category of difference. Yes, and there's a reason the 1303 01:14:42,640 --> 01:14:44,840 why I think like this. Yeah. 1304 01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:49,960 And it was a previous partner who had always said, like, she 1305 01:14:49,960 --> 01:14:52,080 had like, autistic people in her family. 1306 01:14:52,080 --> 01:14:53,760 And she used to say to me, I think you're autistic. 1307 01:14:53,760 --> 01:14:56,400 I think you're autistic. And I was like, so offended 1308 01:14:56,400 --> 01:14:59,360 because I was like, I'm not some Sheldon Rain Man. 1309 01:14:59,360 --> 01:15:02,000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm not this. 1310 01:15:02,000 --> 01:15:05,440 And again, it's a male focused diagnosis generally, yeah. 1311 01:15:05,800 --> 01:15:11,160 There was no, there was no, there was nothing for me similar 1312 01:15:11,160 --> 01:15:13,280 to like lesbian visibility. There was just. 1313 01:15:13,280 --> 01:15:15,200 No. Visible for me to be like, oh 1314 01:15:15,280 --> 01:15:17,800 that's autism. That's, that's the kind of 1315 01:15:17,800 --> 01:15:23,640 autism that I have. And so getting the diagnosis was 1316 01:15:23,640 --> 01:15:29,160 like a like an exhale because my mum had always called me like 1317 01:15:29,160 --> 01:15:31,720 eccentric. Yeah, she's a bit eccentric. 1318 01:15:31,720 --> 01:15:33,200 She's, you know, she's very blunt. 1319 01:15:33,400 --> 01:15:36,000 She's about her own person. Yeah, don't. 1320 01:15:36,040 --> 01:15:38,720 Be offended like, you know, I'd see my uncle. 1321 01:15:38,720 --> 01:15:40,120 I'd be like, how come you're bored and fat? 1322 01:15:40,120 --> 01:15:41,440 And my mum would be like, you can't say that. 1323 01:15:41,440 --> 01:15:43,240 And I'm like, I'm not being mean. 1324 01:15:43,280 --> 01:15:46,080 I'm just asking a question based on an observation of what he now 1325 01:15:46,080 --> 01:15:48,440 looks like and how he's. It's a fact, yeah. 1326 01:15:48,680 --> 01:15:50,000 I can't lie to you. It's a fact It. 1327 01:15:50,080 --> 01:15:54,120 Wasn't, you know, and you know, things like in relationships 1328 01:15:54,120 --> 01:15:57,240 where I'd, I'd always want to know from my partner, like what 1329 01:15:57,240 --> 01:16:00,080 the plan was for the day and they'd be like. 1330 01:16:00,080 --> 01:16:02,040 What if the timing was our fits like? 1331 01:16:02,040 --> 01:16:03,960 Why do you need to know what my plan is like? 1332 01:16:04,000 --> 01:16:07,080 And I'm like, well, it's not about knowing where you are or 1333 01:16:07,080 --> 01:16:08,960 what you're doing. It's just I want to know what 1334 01:16:08,960 --> 01:16:11,120 the plan is so I can sort of figure out. 1335 01:16:11,120 --> 01:16:14,200 Understand how my day's going to Yeah, because it's giving me 1336 01:16:14,200 --> 01:16:17,440 facts. It's giving me facts and you 1337 01:16:17,440 --> 01:16:21,000 know, all the things that I like I had at an ex partner who was 1338 01:16:21,000 --> 01:16:25,240 like, oh, you're fake. Because, you know, I'd be out in 1339 01:16:25,240 --> 01:16:28,400 public and I would mask and then I would come home and be like, I 1340 01:16:28,400 --> 01:16:32,040 can't be that version of myself that I was out there and I'm 1341 01:16:32,600 --> 01:16:35,400 shutting down. And I'm like, what am I fake? 1342 01:16:35,400 --> 01:16:38,680 Like, yeah, am I just performing Shar? 1343 01:16:39,160 --> 01:16:43,360 And actually I'm this like, disgusting, lazy waste of space. 1344 01:16:43,360 --> 01:16:45,400 Who? Yeah, who's just performing for 1345 01:16:45,400 --> 01:16:45,680 the? World. 1346 01:16:45,680 --> 01:16:48,840 And then also performing into the label as well, because then 1347 01:16:48,840 --> 01:16:51,520 sometimes when you read the label, you're like, well, am I 1348 01:16:51,520 --> 01:16:53,640 now actually doing that more? Because someone's just told me 1349 01:16:53,640 --> 01:16:55,520 it's part of this label and yeah. 1350 01:16:55,960 --> 01:16:59,960 And so it's it was really difficult to navigate, but I Co 1351 01:16:59,960 --> 01:17:04,200 read some incredible books and I looked at a woman. 1352 01:17:05,560 --> 01:17:08,080 What was her name? I'll send it to you, Sarah, 1353 01:17:08,080 --> 01:17:09,840 Sarah something. But I'll, I'll get it for you. 1354 01:17:09,840 --> 01:17:14,600 So you can link her YouTube. But she was a late diagnosed 1355 01:17:14,600 --> 01:17:17,360 woman with autism who was married to an autistic guy, had 1356 01:17:17,360 --> 01:17:21,200 autistic kids, and never knew that she was so autistic and she 1357 01:17:21,200 --> 01:17:22,760 could actually look. So different. 1358 01:17:22,760 --> 01:17:27,720 In book on autism and she talked about girls with autism, rather 1359 01:17:27,720 --> 01:17:33,120 than being like little collectors, they were little 1360 01:17:33,120 --> 01:17:36,200 psychologists and they would study people and they would 1361 01:17:36,200 --> 01:17:37,800 study environments. And they would. 1362 01:17:38,720 --> 01:17:41,480 Learn to like, mask and to meet other people. 1363 01:17:42,080 --> 01:17:45,040 Which is also a superpower. Yeah. 1364 01:17:45,560 --> 01:17:48,200 Because it I will. I know that I can. 1365 01:17:49,360 --> 01:17:51,240 And this is then when I'm like, well, I'm a manipulative 1366 01:17:51,240 --> 01:17:56,000 narcissist because I know you could put me in most situations 1367 01:17:57,160 --> 01:18:00,960 and I can make myself fit. So then that's sometimes the 1368 01:18:00,960 --> 01:18:03,680 polar opposite of what we're taught autism is because autism 1369 01:18:03,680 --> 01:18:05,280 is like, well, no, you're going to be sat in the corner of a 1370 01:18:05,280 --> 01:18:10,040 backpack on and yeah. And then I'm like, well, am I 1371 01:18:10,040 --> 01:18:11,680 just then so good at being a minute? 1372 01:18:12,120 --> 01:18:15,960 And it's like this whole gaslighting circle, but it's the 1373 01:18:15,960 --> 01:18:19,560 same what happened? I've had people in my life say 1374 01:18:19,560 --> 01:18:22,880 it to me. And then I was like, similar 1375 01:18:22,880 --> 01:18:24,840 thing. Well, no, because I'm high 1376 01:18:24,840 --> 01:18:28,040 achieving, I've had lots of friends in my life. 1377 01:18:28,160 --> 01:18:32,000 I formed successful connections. I can hold eye contact, although 1378 01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:34,560 I've noticed you do the same thing as me as you go right up 1379 01:18:34,560 --> 01:18:37,360 to the room right up here, which is what I do sometimes as well. 1380 01:18:38,400 --> 01:18:40,800 And it was only again during this bad phase when I was 1381 01:18:40,800 --> 01:18:43,520 speaking to different therapists, every single one 1382 01:18:43,520 --> 01:18:45,320 said you think you could be autistic. 1383 01:18:45,320 --> 01:18:50,760 And I was like, not the problem right now actually, because got 1384 01:18:50,760 --> 01:18:53,160 bigger fish to fry. But I think they were saying it 1385 01:18:53,160 --> 01:18:56,480 because what you're talking about the burnout and the IT all 1386 01:18:56,480 --> 01:18:59,560 comes in together because you're either all or nothing. 1387 01:19:00,160 --> 01:19:02,840 So you're all here or you're all or you're crashed. 1388 01:19:02,840 --> 01:19:04,920 And you're not crashed like a normal person that you are 1389 01:19:04,920 --> 01:19:06,800 crashed. Which is why I think now I still 1390 01:19:07,400 --> 01:19:10,600 spend so much time alone because I'm still actually, it's still 1391 01:19:10,600 --> 01:19:13,080 actually recovering. You're in a way because it takes 1392 01:19:13,080 --> 01:19:14,600 so long. But then there's also the 1393 01:19:14,600 --> 01:19:17,280 recognition that I don't want to live like other people live, 1394 01:19:17,280 --> 01:19:20,120 which is to like socialize all the time because they get their 1395 01:19:20,120 --> 01:19:22,000 battery from that. It takes from mine. 1396 01:19:22,000 --> 01:19:25,160 But I had convinced myself for so long that I wasn't that 1397 01:19:25,160 --> 01:19:27,560 person. But I think it's important that 1398 01:19:27,560 --> 01:19:29,720 you show up so authentically with this as well. 1399 01:19:29,720 --> 01:19:37,760 Because I went to an initial diagnosis session and when I was 1400 01:19:37,760 --> 01:19:44,080 talking out loud to the people I felt like I was, I wouldn't say 1401 01:19:44,080 --> 01:19:47,760 being judged, but when I was speaking out loud, like, oh, I 1402 01:19:47,760 --> 01:19:50,640 host a podcast, I can show up in this way. 1403 01:19:50,880 --> 01:19:53,880 I have a global brand. I worked in the government for 1404 01:19:53,880 --> 01:19:57,720 10 years and done XY and Z Yes, I've got great relationships 1405 01:19:57,720 --> 01:20:00,320 with my friends and my family. And I was sat there listening to 1406 01:20:00,320 --> 01:20:03,760 myself thinking, Scarlett, like these people are thinking that 1407 01:20:03,760 --> 01:20:06,560 you shouldn't be sat here. And now I felt like I shouldn't 1408 01:20:06,560 --> 01:20:10,400 be sat there. And then they said to me, you 1409 01:20:10,400 --> 01:20:12,880 know, we'd like to speak to your friends and your your family 1410 01:20:12,880 --> 01:20:14,920 like your mom. And I'm thinking, but I had 1411 01:20:14,920 --> 01:20:18,360 awareness from the age of 3 and I hid it from my own mother. 1412 01:20:19,040 --> 01:20:22,200 Because we grew up in a really difficult time where I didn't 1413 01:20:22,200 --> 01:20:24,000 and couldn't be a burden to anyone. 1414 01:20:24,240 --> 01:20:26,920 So I spent time alone with my dolls in my room. 1415 01:20:27,680 --> 01:20:30,440 But I also knew to go out and socialize with my friends to 1416 01:20:30,440 --> 01:20:33,360 give my mum a break because I knew from a very young age that 1417 01:20:33,360 --> 01:20:37,000 she needed that. So my mum's not going to tell 1418 01:20:37,000 --> 01:20:39,840 you the inners of Scarlett's life and Scarlett's brain, 1419 01:20:39,840 --> 01:20:43,600 because Scarlett also is intelligent and has a very high 1420 01:20:43,600 --> 01:20:46,280 level of awareness. And it's weird because I've been 1421 01:20:46,280 --> 01:20:49,640 grappling with what it means to me to actually go and get the 1422 01:20:49,640 --> 01:20:53,080 diagnosis, but also just understand that I am who I am. 1423 01:20:53,080 --> 01:20:55,800 And I think there's so much pressure around the ADHD and 1424 01:20:55,800 --> 01:21:01,760 autism labels now as well, and there's so much pushed on us 1425 01:21:01,760 --> 01:21:05,240 around that, that sometimes I think that that can also then be 1426 01:21:05,240 --> 01:21:08,560 detrimental because it can then also sometimes consume us. 1427 01:21:08,640 --> 01:21:11,240 And a large part of me is like, well, I just walk through the 1428 01:21:11,240 --> 01:21:14,640 world in the way that I am. And talking about that, like 1429 01:21:14,840 --> 01:21:16,920 walking through the world, some people look at me and they're 1430 01:21:16,920 --> 01:21:21,000 like, why do you walk like that? Because I go into my, well, not 1431 01:21:21,000 --> 01:21:22,920 conscious, walking like a normal person. 1432 01:21:22,920 --> 01:21:25,560 So I walk like a robot and my arms don't move and things like 1433 01:21:25,560 --> 01:21:28,600 that. I'm like, OK, Scarlett, you are 1434 01:21:28,800 --> 01:21:31,640 different. But what does it really mean to 1435 01:21:31,640 --> 01:21:35,280 me to get the diagnosis? And I'm really grappling or 1436 01:21:35,280 --> 01:21:38,720 trying to understand how that looks. 1437 01:21:38,960 --> 01:21:44,800 I think it's I think if it's not important to you, then it's not 1438 01:21:44,920 --> 01:21:47,440 important to you and it's not something that you should ever 1439 01:21:47,440 --> 01:21:49,480 do if it doesn't feel right for you. 1440 01:21:50,080 --> 01:21:54,280 But I think what is beautiful about getting a diagnosis is 1441 01:21:54,280 --> 01:21:58,760 that there will be other Scarlets who are like, I'm a 1442 01:21:58,760 --> 01:22:00,800 high achiever. I have good relationships. 1443 01:22:00,800 --> 01:22:02,960 I come from a difficult home life. 1444 01:22:02,960 --> 01:22:06,640 So I've learned to mask and I've learned to prioritize others 1445 01:22:06,640 --> 01:22:10,040 feelings because I've, I've read the room. 1446 01:22:10,040 --> 01:22:13,720 I know that my parent needs me to be this version of myself to 1447 01:22:13,720 --> 01:22:19,760 protect them. And you know, not everyone will 1448 01:22:19,760 --> 01:22:24,240 be able to look into the world and see a version of themselves 1449 01:22:24,240 --> 01:22:26,960 that they relate to. And if there is another little 1450 01:22:26,960 --> 01:22:31,160 scarlet out there looks at you and goes, Oh my God, she's got a 1451 01:22:31,160 --> 01:22:33,480 global brand. She worked in government for 10 1452 01:22:33,480 --> 01:22:37,040 years. She does XYZ and she has the 1453 01:22:37,040 --> 01:22:41,680 same, the challenges that I have, these are the ways that 1454 01:22:41,680 --> 01:22:44,640 she's learnt to navigate life and these are the ways that she 1455 01:22:44,640 --> 01:22:47,040 showed up. And I think, you know, you can't 1456 01:22:47,040 --> 01:22:50,880 be what you can't see. And if you just being you and 1457 01:22:50,880 --> 01:22:55,200 being open about who you are and what your experiences are, help 1458 01:22:55,200 --> 01:22:59,560 someone else. And if you have capacity and can 1459 01:22:59,560 --> 01:23:04,120 be vulnerable enough to allow that to happen, then now if it 1460 01:23:04,120 --> 01:23:08,040 doesn't matter to you, cool. But it could matter to someone 1461 01:23:08,080 --> 01:23:09,560 else. Yeah, it's a very good I. 1462 01:23:09,680 --> 01:23:11,480 Think that's that was for me that. 1463 01:23:11,480 --> 01:23:13,040 Was the reason. That's an incredible way of 1464 01:23:13,040 --> 01:23:15,000 putting. It next person would not be. 1465 01:23:15,040 --> 01:23:17,040 That's an incredible way of putting because again, it's the 1466 01:23:17,040 --> 01:23:19,680 same as being gay. It's like, I'm alright with it. 1467 01:23:19,680 --> 01:23:21,480 And this is the thing. It's like, I don't think the 1468 01:23:21,480 --> 01:23:26,040 diagnosis was personally give me a lot because it's not not that 1469 01:23:26,040 --> 01:23:29,480 you'd want to because I actually love that I'm the way that I 1470 01:23:29,480 --> 01:23:35,680 think I love because I have such a big mind that you say about 1471 01:23:35,680 --> 01:23:37,440 understand. I can see patterns. 1472 01:23:37,440 --> 01:23:39,880 I know what people are going to say 9 times out of 10 every time 1473 01:23:39,880 --> 01:23:42,880 before they say it in like situations. 1474 01:23:42,880 --> 01:23:46,280 I know what's coming. And so I, I like those things. 1475 01:23:46,280 --> 01:23:49,160 I enjoy that I kind of live in my own little world in this way 1476 01:23:50,520 --> 01:23:53,800 and I can problem solve really well, things like that. 1477 01:23:53,880 --> 01:23:56,640 But there's obviously a lot of difficulties that come with it. 1478 01:23:56,640 --> 01:23:59,480 But I'm it's not like you can take a pill and the hard things 1479 01:23:59,480 --> 01:24:00,840 that come with it go away, right? 1480 01:24:00,840 --> 01:24:04,920 So I think that's where the diagnosis is less of a big thing 1481 01:24:04,920 --> 01:24:06,520 for me. But I think the fear of 1482 01:24:06,520 --> 01:24:09,280 judgement for me is a huge thing as well of people in my life, 1483 01:24:09,320 --> 01:24:12,000 even people who love and care about me, be thinking 1484 01:24:12,400 --> 01:24:16,680 differently of me because it doesn't look like what they 1485 01:24:16,680 --> 01:24:18,480 would, what they perceive it to look like. 1486 01:24:18,480 --> 01:24:22,360 So I almost feel embarrassed, not because I feel shame to the 1487 01:24:22,360 --> 01:24:25,880 label, but I feel embarrassed at the conversation that would come 1488 01:24:25,880 --> 01:24:29,640 with it, if that makes sense. So I would rather just not know 1489 01:24:29,680 --> 01:24:31,880 and then I don't feel like I have to say something. 1490 01:24:31,880 --> 01:24:36,080 But it's actually really incredible what you've said is 1491 01:24:36,080 --> 01:24:38,800 that again, going back to kind of the previous conversation 1492 01:24:38,800 --> 01:24:42,920 here about showing up as a lesbian, it's the same thing as 1493 01:24:42,920 --> 01:24:47,840 showing up with a another hat on that doesn't look how the world 1494 01:24:47,840 --> 01:24:50,280 perceives it. Like, I don't look like a 1495 01:24:50,280 --> 01:24:54,760 lesbian, but yeah, I'm the a massive fucking lesbian. 1496 01:24:55,560 --> 01:24:59,200 It's like fighting against all of the binaries that the world 1497 01:24:59,200 --> 01:25:02,400 have set on us, which actually just make everyone's life so 1498 01:25:02,400 --> 01:25:04,320 much harder. And it will give you an 1499 01:25:04,320 --> 01:25:06,600 opportunity to grow in a different way because like you 1500 01:25:06,600 --> 01:25:09,920 said, you will have to navigate people having a different 1501 01:25:09,920 --> 01:25:12,080 perception of you. You'll have to have 1502 01:25:12,080 --> 01:25:17,120 uncomfortable conversations, but you will also give that person 1503 01:25:17,120 --> 01:25:19,840 in your family when your friend grew an opportunity to grow as 1504 01:25:19,840 --> 01:25:23,880 well. And for the other young people 1505 01:25:23,880 --> 01:25:26,080 in your family, because I think it's definitely a genetics 1506 01:25:26,080 --> 01:25:30,240 thing, there are going to be other people who are like, oh, 1507 01:25:30,240 --> 01:25:33,960 well, don't worry about so and so getting a diagnosis because 1508 01:25:33,960 --> 01:25:36,760 Scarlett has that and she's been able to overcome this. 1509 01:25:36,760 --> 01:25:38,480 And Scarlett can help them support them. 1510 01:25:38,480 --> 01:25:42,160 I've got my Auntie Shaw bracelet on that my niece made for me. 1511 01:25:42,160 --> 01:25:45,440 And she's definitely like a little crazy spectrummer, but 1512 01:25:45,440 --> 01:25:48,720 she doesn't present in the ways that you like, you know? 1513 01:25:49,360 --> 01:25:53,080 Would normally expect, yeah. But I see so much of myself in 1514 01:25:53,080 --> 01:25:57,520 her and it's like, oh, Millie, when you she's 6 now, but when 1515 01:25:57,520 --> 01:26:01,080 you're 11 and when you're going to secondary school, I've got 1516 01:26:01,080 --> 01:26:02,200 you. Because you're going to 1517 01:26:02,200 --> 01:26:04,200 understand the journey that she's going to be on. 1518 01:26:04,200 --> 01:26:05,680 Yeah. Yeah. 1519 01:26:05,680 --> 01:26:08,560 It's a very nice way of putting it, actually. 1520 01:26:08,560 --> 01:26:10,440 So thank you because it's given me. 1521 01:26:10,920 --> 01:26:11,880 Food for thought. Food for thought. 1522 01:26:12,160 --> 01:26:15,160 Seeds planted. Cha, I want to thank you for 1523 01:26:15,160 --> 01:26:19,400 this conversation because I think that we've covered so many 1524 01:26:19,400 --> 01:26:21,840 amazing things. And I think it's given not only 1525 01:26:21,840 --> 01:26:24,520 me food for thought, but hopefully the people listening 1526 01:26:24,520 --> 01:26:27,040 as well. And I thank you for coming on 1527 01:26:27,040 --> 01:26:30,520 and sharing the beauty of the depths of your mind and also 1528 01:26:30,520 --> 01:26:32,840 experiences because I think there's a lot there. 1529 01:26:32,840 --> 01:26:35,800 And I could probably keep this conversation going for a very, 1530 01:26:35,800 --> 01:26:38,720 very long time. But before we wrap up, I just 1531 01:26:38,720 --> 01:26:43,560 want to ask if there's anything that you any departing words for 1532 01:26:43,560 --> 01:26:46,080 the listeners of today or anything that you just want to 1533 01:26:46,160 --> 01:26:50,560 touch upon before we wrap up today's episode of Lesbian 1534 01:26:50,560 --> 01:26:53,600 Supper Club? Wow, big question. 1535 01:26:53,880 --> 01:26:55,520 I've hit you so many big questions. 1536 01:26:55,520 --> 01:26:56,840 Sorry, big. Questions. 1537 01:26:58,040 --> 01:27:03,040 But I think what I would like the Lesbian Supper Club 1538 01:27:03,120 --> 01:27:10,320 listeners to know is that your feelings are always valid and 1539 01:27:10,360 --> 01:27:16,360 you have a responsibility to take care of yourself in a way 1540 01:27:16,360 --> 01:27:21,560 that truly honours honours you. You are a divine being. 1541 01:27:22,040 --> 01:27:26,440 And if you can see that divinity in others, if you look at the 1542 01:27:26,440 --> 01:27:29,480 world and if you admire people, if you respect people and you 1543 01:27:29,480 --> 01:27:34,240 see greatness in others, then remember that we are all mirrors 1544 01:27:34,240 --> 01:27:38,280 to each other and the greatness that you see in someone else is 1545 01:27:38,280 --> 01:27:42,120 a reflection of you. So don't forget to build 1546 01:27:42,120 --> 01:27:47,280 yourself up and collect your own power because it is there inside 1547 01:27:47,280 --> 01:27:50,560 of you for a reason and you get to use it and you get to grow 1548 01:27:50,560 --> 01:27:53,280 it. And I hope that you cherish 1549 01:27:53,280 --> 01:27:56,280 yourself and love yourself and celebrate yourself as much as 1550 01:27:56,280 --> 01:27:58,560 you deserve. Thank you. 1551 01:27:59,160 --> 01:28:01,680 Thank you very much. And I'm sure that I will have 1552 01:28:01,680 --> 01:28:04,400 you back on very soon because I have no doubt that we're going 1553 01:28:04,400 --> 01:28:07,400 to have a lot of feedback from this episode and I'm sure people 1554 01:28:07,400 --> 01:28:09,680 will want us to dig deeper on some other stuff. 1555 01:28:10,400 --> 01:28:13,960 So that's it for today's episode of Lesbian Supper Club. 1556 01:28:14,040 --> 01:28:16,960 I hope you guys enjoyed this conversation. 1557 01:28:17,000 --> 01:28:20,440 As ever, please comment, please rate the podcast. 1558 01:28:20,440 --> 01:28:22,440 Let us know what you liked and didn't like. 1559 01:28:22,960 --> 01:28:25,800 I always love reading the responses because it really does 1560 01:28:25,800 --> 01:28:28,840 inspire me to kind of lead future conversations. 1561 01:28:28,840 --> 01:28:32,880 Don't forget to follow us at Lesbian Supper Club Pod and we 1562 01:28:32,880 --> 01:28:36,520 will see you guys next week. Long live lesbians, Long live 1563 01:28:36,520 --> 01:28:38,640 the spectrum, and Long live spirituality. 1564 01:28:39,080 --> 01:28:42,040 Goodbye, thank you. Nailed it.