Good morning, Good afternoon. Good night to all of the
lesbians around the world. Welcome to this week's episode
of the Lesbian Supper Club Podcast.
Sorry that there was no episode last week.
We again let ourselves down on the planning front.
I don't think so at all, actually.
I think it's because we had a bit of a manic.
Well, I had AI had a psychotic break, which I don't care to
delve into right now because I'm still recovering from it.
And we were down in Cornwall moving our things into our
property, which is another very long and stressful story which I
don't fancy going over. That's why though, that we had
to delay the podcast for a week because we physically didn't
have the time and I mentally didn't have the capacity.
And that's absolutely fair enough.
Yeah, Do you know what? We're juggling a lot.
And I'm a perfectionist and I think the worst of myself all
the time in terms of punishing myself and not doing the right
things or not being present in the right places.
And I let it get to me a bit much.
So I'm, I'm on the path of recovery now.
My better help therapist is getting an absolute fucking
shafting. She's she's probably rinsing
her. I think she's probably going to
go into hiding and make an excuse to not see me anymore.
Which, like, do you know what, Fair.
So that is why we've not been around.
It's been really good that you've been doing all those
things, though, because for as long as I've been with you,
you've never been as proactive as you are now and I do
genuinely think it's because. Desperation will do that to.
You desperation will do that, Yeah And no.
But I feel like you've I do. Feel like I'm really going
through a shift in my life, whether it be good or bad.
I think as we all mature, we discover ourselves all of the
time, new elements about ourselves.
And I'm just, I think, discovering parts of myself that
I'd kept hidden for so long that they've come to the surface.
And even though it's difficult, it doesn't necessarily mean it's
bad. And it's forced.
Me to try and take control and work on myself, which I think we
should all do all the time and I have no shame in being honest
about that. Like, I think it's important to,
you know, looking from the outside in sometimes on people's
lives specifically like we put ourselves out there.
I think it is so easy for things to look perfect and for people's
lives to look perfect and for them to look happy and and
that's not the case. It's just as much not the case
as it is the case, you know, for.
And I think that's the same for everyone.
For every bit of good there's some, there's normally some sort
of difficulty that comes with that.
No one has a perfect life. No.
So for all of the amazing things that happen, that also brings a
lot of pressure and a lot of stress and a lot of time
consuming and a lot of back and forth, Like it's just a great
thing to have to juggle. If that makes sense.
Like it's a it's a high pressure thing that we have to really
grind ourselves for that we love doing, but it doesn't not make
it hard. I feel like you have had to put
up with my anxiety for 5 1/2 years and now I'm getting a
taste of my own medicine because I'm dealing with yours.
I'd actually rather be the one suffering because I hate seeing
you suffer with it because I know how bad it is.
So I'd actually rather it be me, you know?
I'd probably rather it was you as well.
I'm sure you would. I'm sure you would.
I'm sure anyone would. Because I think like you're more
equipped to deal with it, sadly. In 20 years.
You know, I haven't suffered this badly this physically since
I was 11 and that's when I had my really bad school phobia.
Like I've had anxiety throughout, but my life, but
it's not manifested in the way that it is right now and it is
really fucking hard. So shout out to anyone that is
going through it. It's such.
A cliche, but believe me, like you're not alone.
No, you are not alone. I think that can be the worst
thing about it, right, is that you feel really fucking lovely
when you go through it. But you know what?
It's going to make you feel better, JoJo Siwa.
Yeah. JoJo Siwa's Karma has now been
released. It has now been said that you
know those dance moves that she was doing on TikTok where I this
is an audio podcast. But she's like flailing her arms
down onto her hip and she's going, Karma's a bitch that bit.
She has admitted that. That was all a piss take and it
fucking worked. She's a mom and genius she is.
Love her. I hate her.
You're still looking at her. And I know some of you will be
listening to us being like, who's JoJo Siwa?
Oh, I don't care about this person.
You're on your own because the whole fucking Internet cares
about her right now. JoJo Siwa is a kid.
I mean, she's 20, but I'm going to call her a kid from dance
mums. She made her debut on dance mums
like 15 years ago and has out of, I think all of them managed
to take the notoriety that came from dance mums and the
popularity that came from dance mums and just create herself a
whole fucking media career. And she's quite literally done
everything. And then she came out as a
lesbian, which was amazing. I mean that was that was
actually incredible when she done that because it really took
a lot because of her connections with Disney.
Oh, and it's being a child, child, like all of that.
Not one of them. Yeah.
Not that it should make a fucking difference, but
obviously it did and it made it harder for her and she actually
dealt with that incredibly well. And then she went into her
lesbian villain era that she's been living in for the last
couple of years, creating chaos, which like, do you know what we
can all sit back and judge her for?
This song's about, yeah, she's cheated, she's made some bad
decisions, She's lied. But.
Haven't we all? Everyone fucking does it.
Everyone goes. When she was 18.
Yeah, fuck. You know, I've said this before
and I'll say it again. If I had a camera around me and
a fucking following when I was 18, I would have done way worse
than JoJo. So you go for it, bitch.
And also I yeah, I actually, Joe, what the video as well.
There's something about it that is just addictive.
I think you're on your own there.
I mean, you showed it to me earlier and.
She looks like KISS, you know, like the band KISS.
You showed it to me earlier. I can't say that I'm desperate
to watch it again. I mean, I'm glad I've watched it
the one time because I don't feel like I'm missing.
Out and she's like dry humping on the girl on the beach.
Yeah, it's disturbing because I think I still see her as a
child. No, I don't.
But that just really made me laugh.
I don't like it personally. But I might reenact the whole
video. She's living her best life.
She's doing what she wants to do, and who are we or anyone
else to judge? She's like, it's the same old
right? She's not fucking hurting
anyone. No.
The Internet is a weird place where people get really
judgmental. And karma is a bitch.
Yeah, and entitled to you. Shouldn't know better.
Opinions that are like so vicious and I just find it.
It's so preachy, Really weird. People get so preachy online,
they act like Bible bashers or something.
Oh, by the way, someone messaged us saying Look.
No they didn't. They replied to us like so you
guys will probably know on Spotify at the end of the
episode. You can be like, what did you
think about this? And someone replied and said.
Basically along the lines of I know like this was a bit of a
joke, but you need to realise you have Christian lesbian
listeners shock. First of all we have a whole
episode dedicated to religion and homosexuality, period.
Secondly, it was this is just our sense of humour and we do
take it too far and we love doing that.
Did I enjoy doing the nun impressions?
Yes I did. And did I laugh back when I did
it? Yes, I did.
When it is so far out there, it clearly like, I would hope that
everyone listening is a certain level of intellect to know that
it's fucking satire. Like obviously we support you if
you're Christian and gay. Obviously we support you if
you're Muslim and gay. Obviously we support you if
you're seeking gay. If anything we fucking support
you more because you guys are having to like fucking put in
the work on both sides. But.
We don't support you if you're straight.
No, we do. Because you're probably
listening to this because you're straight and curious, but I'm
joking, like we're going to take the piss.
If there is an Ave. for us to take the piss.
Best believe the piss is being taken and.
You know that this is 5% of my piss taking.
That's what's bad about it. So if any of you get offended
then I'm sorry. I hate to tell you probably
never want to meet me in person. So on.
Today's oh, no, really. Quickly.
Beforehand, though, we talk about music.
We've got to talk about Fletcher's new album.
Oh, it's really good. It's amazing.
It is really good and we Freya hasn't watched any of the
podcasts that she done with Shannon.
No, I need to watch that. I watched some of it.
I did. It didn't really, to be fair.
I watched it when I was down in Somerset, in the mid state of
absolute anxiety, and I began it whilst I was in the queue for
McDonald's, which I really thoroughly enjoyed.
Actually, I've been in my since again since I've had anxiety.
I don't know if this is the same for other people, but it's
really affected my diet and I've owned like I don't eat meat
anyway, but I've only been craving like beige foods.
It's the only thing. I think it's because you feel
sick and also because you're really tired, so you crave like
sugary salty. Food.
So I started watching it then. So maybe I wasn't in the best
mindset approaching it. I found it a little bit dull, to
be honest, but I don't know if that's because the the Shannon
and Fletcher narrative has gone on for so long now.
I just don't know if I'm a bit over it, so I wasn't really
interested in the. Incident.
I don't think that they owe anyone any more of their kind of
journey, I mean. Fletcher, I think, is very
honest about the fact that she made a shit load of money out of
her breakup and she. Should.
I think clearly loads goes on behind closed doors that none of
us will ever know nor should we because.
But Can you imagine how fucking annoying it is for them though?
For every single comment and every video to have comments
about and I've. Actually never understood it at
a level until now until like we are, I mean nowhere near in the
position that they're in. But you know similar we put
ourselves out there and stuff and I'm so hyper aware now of of
that that it does definitely impact me and I mean we've not
had to deal with any like backlash on anything.
No, but I I'm. Imagine we broke up.
Oh, I would like shit myself like I would.
I know that it would make it 10 times worse because as much as
people can say ignore people on the Internet, who cares?
I know it would fucking hurt because you're trying to go
through something on a personal level and actually you without
wanting to or not. Yeah, you're having to consider
thousands and thousands of people's opinions.
I mean, it must be awful for them, actually.
So yeah, kudos to them for the other side.
And doing it, I think it was great that they did just do an
episode together. I think as well.
Fletchers new album is so good. It is.
And it is miles above her. I've always loved her music, but
it is miles above her other songs that she's done.
Yeah. And she's, like, glowed.
Like she didn't even need to glow up, but somehow she's
glowed up. She keeps getting better, both
attractive, wise and as a musician, so hot.
Oh, she's ridiculous. Yeah, like, let's not lie,
she's. Really, really hot.
Yeah. So I really enjoyed that
pretending music video, and I wish that she would consider me
for the next role. Thank you.
I don't wish she would consider you.
Not because I would be jealous just because you would be
insufferable. No, I wouldn't.
I would just love it. Yes, you would get.
Into. It you would be.
I'd be your love interest, Fletcher.
I would. I would do anything.
I wouldn't mind it because I'd be like, fair you're making out
the Fletcher, carry on like, can't say anything to that.
But I would mind you, your behaviour would be out of
fucking control. Are you joking?
I'd be so jealous that you were getting with Fletcher.
Yeah, you'd be jealous of me, not jealous.
Yeah. No.
Yeah, exactly. No, I don't want to get with
Fletcher. I would be a bit jealous of
that, but like I would, I would be happy for you.
I'd be like, you can give me a kiss.
I still taste like her. I'd be just as happy for you as
I would be jealous. Fair enough, A few minutes.
So guys, you've all been in the DMS telling us off about
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And so we want to cover two sex type related topics today and
the first one is someone DM Ed us and I can't find the DM.
But as I've mentioned before I write things down in my notes
when I think that they are good and this is one of them.
And the the message went something like hi, I have been
in a long term relationship for a while now and I masturbate and
my partner classes. Masturbation whilst in a
relationship is cheating and basically yeah and basically
like what's your thoughts on this?
And I don't think any of you are going to be shocked to hear
that. I think that's fucking weird.
Like if you are jealous of your ex, if you're banning your ex
and masturbating. No, your girlfriend.
Oh. Sorry.
If you're banning your, you're. Banning your girlfriend from
masturbating, Masturbating, masturbating, masturbating.
You're banning banging. Fuck me, you're.
Banning your girlfriend from masturbating?
Masturbating. You're fucking weird.
You are weird. I'm sorry, that is.
Sorry. Get a grip, get a fucking grip.
And that's. Also a love level of insecurity
and jealousy that I would personally find.
So. Unattractive.
So unattractive. I'm sorry.
You are not telling me what I can and cannot do with my own
body. It's got nothing to do with you.
I hate it when I because I've had it before with like people
that we've been previously friends with where she'd be
like, so she doesn't want to fuck me, but she masturbated
earlier and I was like. OK, two different.
Things. Two different things.
Masturbation and sex are so incredibly different.
Like you can't actually put them in the same round.
Yes, you get an orgasm. Whatever.
But like, it's a different kind of like release.
There's no pressure. You don't have to have sex with
anybody else. Like, it's like, it's like an
entirely. It's literally a.
Form of self-care. It's a self-care, yeah, this is.
It's like an antidepressant as far as I'm fucking concerned.
I find it like I if you ever said that to me, not that you
would, but like say you had a personality change and you like
that to me. Would said a fucking brain
hemorrhage and I turned around. Would be like a.
Relationship vibe, to be honest, because I'd just be like, uh
ick, that you would control me to a point where like, I can't.
Imagine me like, what did you think about?
Yeah, What did you think about? Sorry, it's it is.
Fucking gross. I honestly just weird Joe.
I don't know where people get the audacity to behave like
this. I don't who gave people the
fucking rush. Who gave you the right to
control someone over their own self pleasure?
And I know that actually this happens a lot.
Oh, I was going to say the same. I don't think this is.
Rare. I don't think this is rare.
Which is worse. If you're it is worse this and
you're one of these people like going back to the beginning of
this episode, honestly therapy. Because like you've got some
severe insecurity problems that whether you acknowledge or not,
you need to fucking resolve. I think maybe also you just need
to be told that that's not OK. Like I think that if you're
around a load of other people that maybe are the same who are
in like all their different relationships and they're like,
yeah, I don't like either. Yeah, I don't.
They all validate each other. I don't.
Know who would be validating this behaviour?
But they do that. But I'm trying to think of a
single one of our friends that would ever.
Think like that. Well, we had friends that
thought like that. One friend that fought like that
but. The other one didn't.
I think her thoughts were not necessarily a true reflection of
most anyway. So but I'm just trying to think
of like the friends that we've got now, A one of them thinking
it, and then B another one validating it.
Because I all of our friends would literally go around and be
like, you're weird. I might.
Actually, do you know what I'm going to do right now?
And I'm going to ask the girls to voice note back in A very,
very short short answer is what do you think about a partner of
yours masturbating and just see what they say?
Oh God, I really hope Leonard doesn't let herself down.
Right. So I'm going to wait for them to
get back to me on this one. But yeah, the only reason why I
could ever imagine that someone would ever get upset about their
partner masturbating is because they are so fucked in the head.
Oh, hold on one minute. Leo's already come back.
So Leo has come back. And also Olivia.
No, I don't mind quite fit. Why would it be an issue?
Yeah, exactly. No, I don't mind quite fit,
which is very true as well. Like if you were to tell your
part. I also don't think that you owe
it to your partner to tell them either.
I don't think you need to be like, oh, I masturbated today.
I don't tell. You.
No, I don't give a fuck. Why would I I?
Don't give a fuck if you. Asked.
I'd be like, yeah, but other than that I wouldn't even think
to tell you. Because I don't.
Oh, I don't need to tell you. Every ounce of every part of my
life, every fucking thought that I have, every action.
I. Also, agree with Leo.
I do think it's quite hard too when they tell you that they've
just like and you're exhausted. Think of themselves.
OK Liv, I didn't need to say that, but OK, fine.
So yeah, we're all in consensus. So if you're the person that
wrote in and asked us the question, rest assured there is
nothing wrong with you. You aren't in the wrong, and
that is grounds for a fucking divorce in.
My. Because that's the level of
control that if they're telling you that, they're probably
telling you who you can hang around with, where you can go
and when you can go, probably telling you when you can fucking
shit. So that is a level of control
that is not acceptable. It's insecurity.
They're not going to change. Also imagine having that like
shame and guilt when you did masturbate.
If you had a partner like that, Can you imagine how that would
make you feel? Horrible.
Made me feel like how I felt when I was like 11 doing it.
That was just not necessary. Hold on, Beth's replied.
No, I don't mind at all. Like, why would Why would you
mind? I don't understand why I would
mind. Yeah, exactly.
Literally everyone's all of our. Friends know that this is.
Like so. Rest assured, it's not just us.
It's everyone. It's everyone else's problem.
So yeah, if you're listening to this and you're like, I'm not
listening to Freya and Scarlett, listen to our friends, I'll hold
on. Just send another one.
Actually, I would mind if they weren't having sex with me.
But then we're masturbating all the time.
That's when I would mind because I'd be like, OK, well, our sex
life isn't good. So why are you having a good sex
life on your own? Do you know what I mean?
Interesting. So many layers to that.
There's so many layers to this. OK, So it really depends on the
person that you're with. Again, like I said, like
masturbation is so because even asexual people masturbate.
Don't. Do they?
I think so. I think it's quite common.
Yeah, I don't know. I need to look into that.
I think I kind of get where Beth saying I do.
Get where she's coming from. Because it would make me feel a
little bit shit if I felt like you were masturbating all the
time but refused to shag me, yeah.
If it specifically, if it was like all the time that you were
addicted to it and then couldn't like didn't want to have sex
with your partner, that would. Again, there is so many layers
to it. It's like how long you've been
together. If there's any sexual trauma in
the relationship. Like, it could be like
depression, anxiety, but if you're.
Health. If you're blaming the lack of
sex on a low libido though, but still masturbate, then you're
like, hold on a minute, what's going on?
And then you might want to have a talk with your.
Partner. I think that's then.
Like couples therapy, Yeah, But on the groundscape, like on its
foundation, everyone is entitled to masturbate.
And it's You shouldn't feel guilty about it, and no one
should be punishing you for. It Amen system.
Can't be of the sexual topics of today is stigma around women
watching porn. Again, why would 80% of porn
involves women and yet they find it weird or men find it weird
when women want to watch porn but we're in most of it.
I want to actually know the statistic of the percentage of
women that is in porn. I don't watch porn, but I
definitely went through a phase. I remember being a bit of a.
Porn addict at 1.0 No saying. When I was like, but when I was
quite young, I really had a thing for it and I don't, I
don't watch it anymore. Maybe because you had like less
experience as well? Yeah, maybe.
I don't know. Like maybe I hadn't my my.
Frontal lobe cortex. My imagination wasn't quite as
developed as maybe what it is now.
Who knows? But yeah, it's weird that
there's stigma associated to this because, like so many women
do watch porn and absolutely love it.
And I think that's fucking great.
Like, don't get me wrong, I didn't stop watching it because
I didn't think it was good, because you can find some, like,
really good erotica porn as well.
That's like done very artistically.
And I wish I remember the name of the website that I used to go
to. Because, oh, hold on, you did
you did show me one once where it was like kind of like vlog
style? Porn.
And I was like, wow, it was amazing.
And I completely forgot what it was like.
Porn hubs, things like that doesn't really interest me.
Never had, but I'm all for it like.
Again, if you ever watch something that's just pretty
fucking God awful and then you're like, why?
Well, lesbians love watching gay men porn, don't they?
Yeah, but Even so, it could be literally anything.
You're like, why did I come to that?
Yeah, yeah, it's you. Sometimes you you feel better.
But like, there is no shame in it.
And there's no shame in it being a woman doing it either.
No again. It's just like, well, why?
Why is it that men can watch it and yet women are expected?
Because men rule the fucking world, that's why.
We should be able to watch porn, enjoy porn, be in porn.
Like we all so many fucking women in porn.
So why is it odd? For women to watch, like, yeah,
it's a really. Sometimes, like we can't enjoy
our own craft. It's like being a fucking chef
and not being able to eat. It's like you can be a servant
to it, but you're not allowed to benefit from it.
Oh, so do you know what's funny? Liv has just messaged in about
porn, she said. Hang on to porn, I feel
different, I said. Yeah, it could be, she said.
As in, I think I'd feel different if my girlfriend was
constantly masturbating to porn. Why?
No, that wouldn't bother me. No, Sorry, Disagree.
Sorry, they don't insecure. If if it's in, if it's in your
head or on a screen, what difference?
Does it? It doesn't make any difference.
If anything it's kind of a bit more innocent when it's to porn
because you don't know they'd be thinking about their fucking ex
whilst they're masturbating. Hold on, Leanne has sent in a
voice note. This will be good.
I love. When my partners masturbate, I
think also more masturbation improves your sex life. 2
They're two separate things like your own personal sex life and
then the sex life that you have with other people or IE your
partner. Masturbation makes everything
great, like it's two separate things and if they know their
body then they'll know what they want and I think it just
improves your relationship with sex and it's fucking sexy.
I also just love watching my partner masturbate like that.
Turns me on to fuck. Hold on like whispering to them.
Touch yourself. Go on, Liana.
Watching someone masturbate is so yeah, I love it.
Personal gain. Very, very is a very response
from Very good response. Very.
She's right. She's entirely right.
Hold on. I'm going to have to voice sent
them back and just say very, very good response.
Girls, both of you, very insightful.
Give us a lot to talk about. Thank you very much.
And the end of that turned me on a little bit too big anyway,
Freya more. Why say things like that?
That's. A joke, anyway, I think that's a
very good response, because that is true as well.
But yeah, whether it be to porn or whether it be to your mind,
your imagination, whatever it might be.
Why? Why does that make a difference?
Yeah, I agree. And yeah, it is just coming down
to the fact that, like, men still think they have a right to
control what women do. Like, I saw this really weird
TikTok that was trending the other day.
This guy was basically like, if you're a woman and your goal in
life is to not procreate, what are you doing?
Having a fucking life. And I just thought, and this was
he was quite a young guy as well.
Yeah, they're like this, So. And I thought, what a bizarre
thing to say. First of all, not all women can
have children, So what the fuck do you say to that?
Second of all, why? Why does it have to be the Be or
Nando? Why?
I don't get it. Men cannot see value in women
unless they're able to reproduce.
They see us like they see their mothers because deep down
they're all fucking in love with their mums and they want someone
to be a mummy. They want them to mummy.
Their sons are weird. They.
Are they want them to mummy them, but they also want them to
mummy their own children. It's very, very weird.
That aside, there is since like the whole Andrew Tate bullshit,
there's been a load more like young guys.
Yeah. Dangerous.
What? I know, I know.
We're on a podcast right now and I know we've got mics, but what
is it? What is it with young guys then?
It is young guys, like CIS straight men who have a
microphone put in their hand and all of a sudden they're like, I
am God, yeah, you have to listen to everything I say and.
Everything I say is really important.
Because I've got a mic in my hand, I'm a man and I've got a
mic especially. When they talk about things like
literally like the most pathetic stuff like comic books, and
they're like, my opinion on this comic is absolutely 100% correct
and I couldn't be questioned otherwise, it's like, what the
fuck are you talking? About I know, but also just like
their opinion on women. Yeah, you know, they go, dude,
if she doesn't shower as soon as she wakes up, she's a dog, man.
She's a dog. And they're like, yeah, woof,
that's fucking disgusting, man. That's weird.
Very. Weird.
They are weird. And they love to just berate
women on a podcast. I'm like, what is up with you?
But then that's why I also love that like Plan Brie, those two
American women who just take the piss constantly out of men.
And I feel like I want to keep doing that because I love taking
the piss out of men. I love seeing them angry.
I love watching them go. I love watching them.
I. Just do love watching them
suffer. Like, I'm not even going to lie.
Even argue on Facebook sometimes.
Oh, we had. I had a fantastic argument with
a twat on Facebook a few weeks ago.
It was it was so good. Like I was thriving.
He posted a racist status. I called him out on his racism.
Obviously he A didn't have the intelligence to understand what
I was trying to say. And then B had to get aggressive
and personal and tried to say that he doesn't like me because
he dated my best friend when we were 14.
And apparently I caused the break up like I cannot even.
A poor. Guy it was.
It was one of the most bizarre interactions I've had for a very
long time, but it did feed me. It was fucking.
Hilarious. You know what?
I even got involved. Freya ended up getting involved
after telling me to not give it time.
Ben ended up getting involved. Like honestly arguing on
Facebook's. A fucking hobby of mine.
Yeah, I don't care. We don't care that it's sad and
pathetic. I it's it's not sad and pathetic
if I'm setting bit bigot straight and even if it wastes
my time, I still personally find it worth it.
Because the one thing I always say to people is when I have
these conversations with bigots and I do spend my time and you
can't. Do you know what?
You can't change people's opinion. 9 times out of 10 you
just can't. No.
And I agree with that. But the one thing that I always
say to people is next time that Dick head goes to post something
like that, he'll think about someone like me calling out and.
Yeah, he'll just tag you. And it'll put him off.
No, it'll put him off doing it. I.
Don't know. I think this dude is another
level of fucking crackhead I just came in taking the piss
with. We shall call her Judy.
I go Judy. Judy.
Judy.
Apparently Judy's like had three husbands that have died as.
Yeah, so, I said. Watch out, Judy's got you.
What? It's not supposed to me do.
What I love to do is just to get really pathetic in moments like
that, because it's the only way that you can really have fun
with it. Yeah, and I love getting
pathetic with me. Match them with the same energy
and I really enjoy it. I had it once with this guy.
They. Can't deal with.
That recently, who he I haven't told this story, but it's
something that has been bugging me because every time I see him,
which is all the fucking time, he was working at this place and
we were having a drink and he seemed like a nice guy.
And then he goes, oh, I teach boxing.
Me being in my more like gym era, I'm trying to exercise more
and I really love boxing. I was like, oh, sick, like, you
know, do you do any classes? How much an hour, blah blah.
Is that £25 an hour? I was like, fuck yeah, that's
great. Anyway, so I got his number.
Half an hour after getting his number he comes and tracks me
down whilst I'm innocently looking at the fucking menu
because I wanted to see if we'd like, go there for dinner one
time and then he's like, that's your girlfriend over there,
right? And I said, yeah.
And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Obviously, I respect your choices in this time.
I said, but it's not really a choice.
And he says, yeah, but you know, do you ever want like a present
every now and then, just like, and I was like, what do you mean
a present? And he pointed down to his Dick.
And I remember being like, I just said it to him.
And I was like, do you want to Dick up your ass?
Is this what you're trying? No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, I was saying, is this what a choice if it's a choice?
I said what you're saying. It's a choice of why don't you
get a Dick up your ass? You're saying how great they
are. You must know.
Tell me your experiences. Maybe you want to try.
Maybe you? Want to make sure enough Bambam
fuck down when you when you hit the narratives?
Me off so much, and especially when he says I respect your We
haven't gone back. There since either because I
actually can't bear to look at him.
He's just like he's just an. It's just which is really
annoying because like. And that's a public space,
right? So we should feel entitled to be
able to go to a public space and not be fucking rest.
And it happens, right? But if he wasn't a boxer, I
probably could have taken him on.
But it wasn't a good choice for me.
I don't think that day, but I'm just.
So when are they going to give it a fucking rest?
Yes, I am a man hating lesbian. And what?
Yeah, and what? So moving on to today's Horror
Story after our It's been a bit of a rant today.
I mean, when isn't it a? Rant No.
I love ranting. I took some time off.
I had a break and I took some time off.
Tell a bitch to tell a bit I don't know.
What? What is that?
From so take this a fucking trend Tonight we're.
Going Who's going to clean your toilets, Donald Trump, I mean,
in the sense. Tonight we are going to the
Lioness game to watch the. Lioness.
Versus. Sweden.
Sweden Can you not try and score me on the football because?
Well, I said it first bit. Sweden, Sweden, which I'm really
buzzing about. Yeah, I'm really buzzing about.
I fucking love watching the football and it brings me peace
and enjoyment and helps me get out some of my anger issues and
me and Liv always say that the atmosphere is quote UN quote
electric. I hope that we bump into a few
of you tonight. That'll be fun.
Yeah, hopefully a few of you are there.
Come and say hi, even though this will be airing like days
after we've already gone but. We'll put it on this story
though, anyway, yeah? So, today's Horror Story
subject, Horror Story all the way from sunny South Africa.
This is quite a long one, by the way.
OK, so strap on in my friend Scarlett.
Love the podcast, the sense of humor and band between you two
is elite. Thanks for blessing us.
Thank you, baby. Knowing that you both love dogs,
I thought this story was too good slash traumatic to keep to
myself. I'd prefer to stay anonymous as
I'm from South Africa and the lesbian community is pretty
small and interlinked with. That being said, I happily and
theory. How do I theoretically?
Theoretically, God, tell this story.
After about two glasses of red wine titled An actual Lesbian
War Badge a couple of years back, I got up a relationship
and was admittedly doing a bit of sleeping around, just making
sure everyone knew what they were doing.
Guan girl. I traveled to a different city
for work for a week and decided to stay there for the weekend
with friends of mine that lived there.
The Friday evening I met with these friends at a bar for a
drink and the alcohol was flowing.
We were all pretty fuzzy, festively drunk, and I noticed
this very attractive woman sitting with a Group A few
tables away, as I have the unshakable confidence that can
only be compared to that of a white middle-aged man parallel
parking a four by. 4. I walked over to her, introduced
myself and told her I thought she was really attractive and
that I'd like to get to know her.
Fair. I really respect that.
Good for you. We ended up chatting for most of
the night and had a lot in common.
The night you on and my friends decided to leave for a different
spot. I assured them I was perfectly
fine. I was sitting at a table with
potentially one of the most attractive women I've ever seen.
I was more than perfectly fine and that we would catch up with
them later on. We ended up sharing a few more
glasses of wine and we were admittedly quite intoxicated,
albeit unspoken. I think our intentions were
glaringly clear and to be honest we were eye fucking each other
all night. She then explained that she
needed to go home to feed her dog and let him out, but that I
was welcome to join her and that we could have another glass of
wine at her place. Sounds like us.
In that moment I didn't buy the whole I need to feed my dog
story and thought she was just looking for a polite way to ask
me to come back to hers without being aggressively obvious.
I love dogs, I love wine and I love sex, so I was pretty happy
to head off for whichever of the three would be on offer.
So off we went to her apartment, which was in a neighbouring
suburb. As soon as she opened the door,
and before I could even see the place or confirm whether there
was in fact a dog, she pounced. Only way to describe it, and it
wasn't long before she started taking off my clothes and
leading me to her bedroom. Oh, I thought she meant the dog
Same. I'd only caught a glimpse or two
of the dog, but could hear and feel the little yapper waff waff
waffing at my ankles. It was some form of some form of
pink knees, sausage dog crock. Oh, they're the worst.
They're the. Nippers.
These ones entirely under, entirely under.
Entirely undeterred by her noisy dog, we continue to make out.
She led me towards her bedroom with the little dog closely
following. A bit awkward, but what do I
say? Sorry, no your dog is following
us. To the hot woman that wants to
have sex with me, No, I'm not that much of an idiot.
Once we were in her room, she pushed me down so that I was
sitting on the edge of the bed and she then undressed herself,
straddled my lap so she was sitting on top of me, and
proceeded to run my hands over her now practically naked body.
I think I actually lost the capability to process thoughts
at this moment. As things were progressing.
The little dog decided he was in no way, shape or form enjoying
the fact that he was not getting attention.
So he, being about the size of a 30 centimeter ruler, hopped onto
the bed and just sat there on the edge of the bed.
Not my vibe. I didn't really know how to move
them away as my hands were quite engaged at this point.
I thought that maybe if I switched up the position that we
were in, the dog would be startled by the commotion and
jump off the bed. So I wrapped my legs around my
waist. I'm so sorry.
Why do I find this Horror Story so funny?
She tells it so well, she does. I know I'd get home with this
person. So I wrapped her legs around my
waist, stood up and placed her down on the bed on her back and
lowered myself down on top of her.
Much to my horror, The little dog severely disliked the idea
of someone topping his owner, and in a moment of what I can
only describe as pure evil taking over his cognitive
function, he launched himself through midair, landing with his
razor sharp teeth gripping onto my upper arm.
The dog was hanging off of my arm by the mouth, growling and
ripping my skin to a point that I had teeth marks gushing with
blood. I quite literally back flipped
off the bed, flying into her dresser with the little dog in
hot pursuit. Sorry I've lost my place with
the little dog in hot pursuit. He wanted to finish what he
started. I have never been more scared of
something the size of my foot in my life.
What was even more horrifying is that this woman did nothing at
all whilst dog was mauling my. Arm yeah.
It was only when she saw how much I was bleeding that she
picked him up off of me in probably the most blase way I've
ever seen anyone do anything and chased him out of the room.
Her first words were lol sorry about that and she tried to
carry on kissing me. Not really at lol sorry about
that moment. My arm was literally pouring out
blood and I was pretty sure I needed a stitch or two and maybe
a tetanus shot. Needless to say the mood was
ruined. We didn't have sex and I made-up
an excuse that I had something on the next morning that I
needed to get back for. So I left the hot babe and the
little dog and went back to my friend's place.
We managed to clean the wound up and said we would reassess in
the morning whether I needed to go to the doctor the next
morning. The wood was not much better.
SO1 tetanus shot later and some derma bond glued to put my skin
back in place. That's I was 1 Horror Story
richer and I still have remnants of the scar on my upper arm.
Hope this isn't. As entertaining for you as it
was traumatic for me. All the best.
That is brilliant. And yeah, it was.
That is what that is what happens when you bring a sausage
to a lesbian sex event that is. Hello.
I can just imagine the fact that it's a small dog makes it a lot
funnier. Yeah, the thing.
The thing is like she tells it so well, I could.
I've I've lived the whole thing in my brain.
Would you have stopped? Because I don't think I would
have. Yeah, because I reckon it's
fucking painful. I know it's painful, but you
know when you're like fucking blind, yeah?
Depends how hot she was. Yeah, like if she was really
fit. Because I think I.
Made her eat the dog out the. Bedroom.
I would have probably drop kicked the sausage out the room
and then carried on. Yeah, that is so funny though,
The fact that this, the fact that she didn't do anything
though is yeah, but she's awesome.
Classic small dog owner. I I could.
I reckon this is Leo. I reckon this is Leo with our
fucking sausage dog. Small dog owner because.
She would, If that was Lula coming in, Leo would be like,
sorry, sorry. Sorry about that.
I'll Lula, get out the room. I'll always find that would be
it at the end. Yeah, small dog owners are
another breed though. Like if Ziggy.
Because like Ziggy's reactive as much as he's a big baby, can be
reactive and like, I'm so conscious of it and like he's
never done that to anyone. No.
Like if he even done something close, I'd be fucking mortified.
Oh my God. And like he'd be getting a real
good time. We don't have the privilege.
He's a rescue. Like he's a rescue.
He's the. Big.
So, like, yeah, yeah, he he, well, I just it's not about
privilege. Like it just shouldn't happen
anyway. No, but it is.
People do react differently. But that is that is funny.
But sorry the dog bit you. But I'm also sorry that you
actually never then got to shag her because like, if she's as
hot as you're saying, I'd be. That's what I'd be most pissed
off about. That is because like every time
I'd look at the scar, I wouldn't think about the dog biting me.
I'd think about the shag that I missed.
So like commiserations to you on that front?
Is there any chance you might be able to see her again?
Maybe invite her around to yours?
She brings the dog. Wait for the dog to die and then
invite her. How old do you reckon the dog
was? How many years do you reckon
you've got? Don't know them sausages, they
The thing is, I was about to say they didn't go off that long,
but I think they do. Yeah, they do.
Especially the evil ones. Evil doesn't die.
Evil doesn't die in. Cuba.
Evil dogs live forever. Yeah, they do.
Yeah, that's a fact. Well.
Thank you for that. That was a roller coaster.
Today's episode's been about a bit of a roller coaster.
We've covered a lot, We've gone through a lot.
We've started off with me on the edge, JoJo Siwa pushing me
further off the edge. Fletcher picking you back up off
the. Edge Fletcher picking me back
up. Masturbation.
Mellowing me.
Rage, maybe? No mellowing me out.
The porn raging me and then the men just talking.
About men rage and then back to happiness with the dog.
So that's all for today. We hope you've enjoyed this
episode as much as we have and we're off to get home now.
I might try and squeeze in a nap because I need all the energy
I've got to be starting fights at the women's football.
I'm joking. The women's football and the
football overall is a place for peace and community.
I'm joking. No, they no.
Violence allowed. They do a speech at the
beginning of the football which is like, no, basically to like,
say to everyone you know, no violence, no homophobia, like
nothing and. I think there's going to be
homophobia at the Viking football game.
I feel personally victimized when they give out that speech
because I think part of that does apply to me, actually.
It does. Especially the homophobia,
especially the homophobia scarlet plot.
No violence today, No spitting to.
Yourself. Keep your fucking tongue to
yourself and shut the fuck up. Keep your mouth shut.
No, I am quite well behaved. It's just sometimes it like
bursts out of. Does anybody else have a
girlfriend that goes? It is when they watch it.
It's a voice that comes out of you is like something.
Else I'm a fucking egg. Yeah, I know it.
At least I can wear. It.
Anyway, guys, we love you and we will speak to you.
Next week, Next week. See you soon.
Bye.