1 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:23,240 Hello everyone, welcome to the Lesbian Supper Club podcast. 2 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,520 Today you are joined by Scarlett. 3 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,160 I feel like I haven't done this in a few weeks because I haven't 4 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:31,400 done this in a few weeks. One of the big reasons why I 5 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,840 haven't been around is because I decided to treat myself to a 6 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:39,040 last minute impromptu holiday to Fuch Ventura, which I'm sure to 7 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,760 the Spanish listeners will be very offended to hear me 8 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,440 pronounce that. I do apologise. 9 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,120 No matter how much I try, it doesn't get better and it 10 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,400 doesn't get easier. Languages is not my Forte as 11 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,760 much as I hate to admit it because I'd really love to be 12 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,760 able to speak multiple languages and I hate not being able to do 13 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:58,440 things, but it is just one thing that I genuinely suck at. 14 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:03,320 But my holiday was honestly incredible and it kind of led me 15 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,960 on to today's topic which I will get to in a bit. 16 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,920 But it was so nice to go away and get some sun. 17 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:15,120 Like the weather there was minimum 27° and reached like 18 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:18,760 3031° one day and it was just so nice. 19 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:22,240 I think it was amazing because it was beautiful there. 20 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,560 It was like the food was incredible. 21 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:28,440 The weather was lovely, the sea was amazing, My hotel was really 22 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,120 nice. It was cheap. 23 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,200 Like the people were lovely and it was just so nice to just get 24 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,720 away and do something. It was like I literally booked 25 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:39,200 it four days before I went. And it meant like a lot to me 26 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,360 for a couple of reasons that I done this. 27 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,840 And the first reason is being that I've been saying a lot 28 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,400 recently and thinking this to myself is that I really don't 29 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,960 want to be someone who says that they're gonna do something and 30 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,800 then doesn't do it. Like for example, says that I'm 31 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:55,800 gonna go to the gym everyday or three days a week for the next 32 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,440 six weeks and then I don't do it. 33 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,840 Or I say that I'm only going to have two drinks when I go out 34 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,400 and then I don't do it. And I don't think it's a big 35 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,920 deal. Like I think we're all allowed 36 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,560 to say things and then life happens and things changing. 37 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,680 We can't always keep to those commitments and that's 38 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,080 absolutely fine. But I do think if we do that on 39 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:17,120 a consistent basis, as in we don't fulfil the things that we 40 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,880 say that we're going to do, we, I think almost tell ourselves a 41 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,520 narrative or like we're speaking to ourselves and basically 42 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,080 saying that we are the type of person who doesn't keep our 43 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,680 promises to ourselves. And then when you're doing that, 44 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,520 you're kind of letting yourself down. 45 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,920 And I know that sounds probably quite a deep way of looking at 46 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,760 it, but I really find that with myself as like, I don't like 47 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,120 saying things to people or to myself if I'm not going to 48 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:45,360 follow through because it really kind of eats away at me. 49 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,200 Even if the other person who I may be letting down last minute 50 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,520 is fine and they understand and things happen, it still really 51 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:54,280 affects me. And I don't want to be someone 52 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:56,680 who says that they're going to do something and doesn't do it. 53 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,360 I'd rather just be someone who says I don't want to do that or 54 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,040 I can't do that. So honouring that for myself was 55 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,040 a huge thing because I've been saying probably every year for 56 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,360 the last five years, I want to get at least 2 winter breaks in 57 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,920 because I hate winter. It really affects me. 58 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:14,200 I don't like the cold, I love being by water, etcetera, 59 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,160 etcetera. And every year I just haven't 60 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,440 done it and I get frustrated at myself because we have to make 61 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:22,000 time for the things that we want to do. 62 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,320 And every year I say, well, I was too busy or this happened 63 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,440 or, but it's not really an excuse. 64 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,360 Like we have to prioritize ourselves and the things that we 65 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,800 want to do. So I was really proud of myself 66 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,920 actually, that I said on the Tuesday, I'm going to go away 67 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,880 this weekend. And I'd done it and I followed 68 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:38,840 through. And I think it's nice to kind of 69 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,480 set that narrative for ourselves. 70 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:46,320 So that was #1 #2 why it was so nice being there and realizing a 71 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,880 lot whilst I was there was there. 72 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,000 If you'd have told me six months ago, Scarlett, you're going to 73 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:54,680 go and spend all day every day on your own on an island you've 74 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,040 never been to before, I would have fallen to pieces. 75 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,280 Like there is no way that I would have been able to sit with 76 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:05,080 myself with no familiarity, distraction over A5 day period 77 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,800 and probably not lost my mind. And six months ago, it would 78 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,200 have frightened me even more knowing myself and knowing that 79 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,640 I couldn't have done that. Whereas I'd have liked to have 80 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:18,000 always thought that until that point in my life, I was always 81 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,440 someone who could and was happy to be alone. 82 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,560 But over the last, you know, 18 months, going through so much 83 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:28,720 mental change of ups and downs and some real downs, I found 84 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,560 myself not being able to be alone. 85 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,440 And if I was alone, really, really struggling with that 86 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,200 concept. And it was so hard. 87 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,640 It's hard for anyone if you can't be alone because it's not 88 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,880 a nice place to be. But it's hard for someone who 89 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,600 particularly has always been someone who actually quite 90 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,440 enjoyed the opposite. And I did go alone and I went 91 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,920 alone for five days literally on my own. 92 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,400 And it was probably one of the best five days I've ever had. 93 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,720 And I don't know what that says about me as a person. 94 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,920 Take from that what you will. But genuinely, it wasn't because 95 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:59,240 I don't love other people's company, because I really do. 96 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:02,920 I have people around me all the time and I have amazing friends 97 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,320 around me all the time. It's not about that. 98 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:09,760 It was just so nice to wake up in the morning and not even have 99 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,200 to discuss with someone like, oh, what should we do with 100 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,680 today? Should we go here and shall we 101 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,000 go there? I was having those discussions, 102 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,680 but obviously in my own head thinking, well, I'm going to go 103 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,120 and get breakfast and then, oh, I'll probably lay by the pool 104 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,120 for a bit and then I'll go down to the beach. 105 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:26,720 And it sounds again, so silly, like it's such a minor thing, 106 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:31,120 but I just lived in my own head and I was so proud at how far 107 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:35,320 I've come as a person and coming out the other side of where I've 108 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,320 been that not only could I sit in my own head, but I was happy 109 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,280 to sit there. Like I remember one day I was 110 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:43,680 laying on the beach with a corona being like, I'm genuinely 111 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,920 happy and content. And I've spoken before about not 112 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,480 searching for happiness and searching for peace. 113 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,080 And I really found in that moment that I had truly achieved 114 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,440 that. And it was such a nice feeling. 115 00:05:55,440 --> 00:06:00,920 And then on top of that, I went on a motocross like dirt bike 2 116 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:04,000 hour cycle on the Wednesday, which was again probably one of 117 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,320 the best things I've ever done in my life. 118 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,120 Like I've never ridden a dirt bike before. 119 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,760 And let's just say that was a, that was a real experience and 120 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,120 that was a real test to the adrenaline in my fight or fly. 121 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,960 I don't know quite how I actually made it back in one 122 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:20,760 piece, but it was a lot of fun. I again want to revisit the 123 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:24,440 whole kind of motorbikes thing, probably on a different episode, 124 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,760 but I'll just say again, getting that license was one of the best 125 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,480 things I could have ever done in this life. 126 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:33,320 And I went out on a tour with this guy that's a family owned 127 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,360 company, I think they're called like motorsport Fortune Ventura 128 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,440 or something like that. And it was just me and him. 129 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:41,360 We just went out for two hours, like across the mountains, 130 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:45,160 across the coastal path. And I genuinely, I've been to 131 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:48,240 some beautiful places in this world, but I genuinely have 132 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:51,080 never seen sights quite like this. 133 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,920 Like the sand was genuinely like white, bright white. 134 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:59,120 And it was so nice to just be in a place again and come to myself 135 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,080 in the moment on that bike, learning something new, quite 136 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,840 literally in the moment of having to do it and having to go 137 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:08,400 through these pretty tough tracks and be scared, but also 138 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,960 so fulfilled at the same time. And that again, just signifies 139 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,920 to us all being able to find something that can bring us so 140 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,480 much joy and test us as well is so important in this life. 141 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,960 So yeah, that was my trip to Fuchventura and I had an 142 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,320 absolutely amazing time. And if you're thinking of doing 143 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,200 a solo trip and you're scared to do it because genuinely could, 144 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,560 didn't recommend it enough, I went for five days. 145 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,440 Maybe you start off doing 2. I only actually booked it for 146 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,000 three and extended, so I didn't feel like I was biting off more 147 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,280 than I could chew. So maybe that's kind of the way 148 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:39,960 that you take it first and foremost. 149 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,200 But if it's something you've wanted to do to challenge 150 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,440 yourself, I honestly couldn't recommend it enough. 151 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,880 And the worst case scenario is you go and you last a day and 152 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,280 then you come back and you just change your ticket and at least 153 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:52,040 you can say you've tried. And you might get out there and 154 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,960 actually totally surprise yourself like I did and really 155 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,840 kind of set a new precedent for yourself of being able to be 156 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:01,160 alone in those circumstances and prove that to yourself, which 157 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,480 makes you stronger in other areas of your life. 158 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,480 So that was my holiday. It was incredible. 159 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:10,000 And it kind of leads me on to what I want to talk to you guys 160 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,040 about today, which I put on Lesbian Supper Club Instagram, 161 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,520 which if you don't follow at the moment is at Lesbian Supper Club 162 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,960 pod on Instagram. And I basically said, do you 163 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,400 want to listen to me talk about life after depression, leaving 164 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,080 people where they're at and one other? 165 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,040 And actually the votes were pretty well spread, but I think 166 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,120 leaving people where they're at literally 1 by like 1%. 167 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:33,360 So I will do life after depression on my next episode 168 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,799 because I had a lot of you guys interested in that one as well. 169 00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:38,440 But today I wanted to talk about leaving people where they are 170 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,400 AT. And as I say, I thought about 171 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,919 this topic when I was away and I thought about it when I was away 172 00:08:43,919 --> 00:08:47,240 because it was so true to kind of how we all go through 173 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,720 different cycles in this lifetime, all at different times 174 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,920 in this life. And I think when we are sharing 175 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:56,120 our lives with with people, and it's something I've been 176 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,000 thinking about a lot recently about all different people in my 177 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,720 life and also actually myself. We all meet people in this life 178 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,040 at different times of our life and different times of their 179 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,240 life. And people's journeys are so 180 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,240 different and we experience things differently. 181 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,200 We experience every day differently. 182 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,680 We all see the world, I believe, in a completely different lens 183 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,760 because how we view the world is made-up of our literal, 184 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:24,160 day-to-day, second by second experiences which for no human 185 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,600 being can be duplicated. So therefore, how we all walk 186 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,560 through the world, react to things, internalize things, 187 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,640 understand things, project things, talk about things, is 188 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:37,120 just entirely different. And therefore, we also all walk 189 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:41,040 at a different pace amongst different areas of our lives, 190 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,760 whether that be in our professional life, in our 191 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:48,200 ability to build lasting strong friendships, in our ability to 192 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:52,600 show up for ourselves, in our ability to have meaningful 193 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:57,240 positive relationship tips, romantic relationships, how we 194 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:01,760 deal with family connection is just all very different. 195 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:06,200 And I think that's a build up of our pasts and our childhoods and 196 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,640 growing up into adulthood. And then also just a reflection 197 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,280 of our personalities and who we all are as people. 198 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,960 And so it's something that I've been thinking about a lot when I 199 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,400 think about the type of person that I am. 200 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,040 And some people close to me in this world may listen to this 201 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,640 podcast and think I'm chatting shit. 202 00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:27,120 But this is my understanding of myself and I am by no means a 203 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,520 perfect person. I've got a lot of flaws, which 204 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:31,840 maybe actually is another episode where I just out all of 205 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:35,160 my floors and make myself completely unattractive in every 206 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,960 form. But I know my flaws. 207 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,080 But I also know what I bring to the table in this world, to my 208 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,400 friends and my family and in my relationships. 209 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:46,000 And I think I am genuinely someone who truly loves to show 210 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,920 up for other people. And I love to be able to be 211 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:51,600 there for other people. I love to be able to hold people 212 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,440 through difficult times in their lives. 213 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,160 I love be able to problem solve other people. 214 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:59,440 I love being able to physically fix things or do things if I 215 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,760 can. And I love being able to 216 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:05,360 emotionally show up with long conversations going over the 217 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,680 same thing if we need to. And having good advice sessions 218 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:11,760 with my friends is just something that really sort of 219 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,920 fulfills me Being able to help other people and someone say, 220 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,400 you know, I feel better after that conversation or I was so 221 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,360 glad that you were that able to be there to go through this hard 222 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,120 thing with me or to do this thing with me. 223 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:26,800 It does so much for me, like I'd rather help someone else than 224 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,040 help myself. For example, if you had a 225 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,960 parking fine that you needed to pay, I could do that for you, no 226 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,360 problems asked. I can't pay my own parking fines 227 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,960 though, because that just doesn't seem to be like, well, 228 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,440 that's just not on the key agenda item for me, but I could 229 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,680 do it for someone else, easy. That's a very stupid analogy of 230 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:46,080 what I'm trying to say, but also very telling is that it's just 231 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,840 even down to that level. Like I'd rather put my best foot 232 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,240 forward for someone that I love and deal with myself later. 233 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,960 Which if you're a therapist listening to this, you will know 234 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,600 that that's actually probably not always the best way to be. 235 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:02,120 And that's been a really tough lesson that I have had to learn 236 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,000 over and over in time in my life. 237 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,120 But it's only one that I've actually truly understood as a 238 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,160 lesson, probably in the last, again, probably in the last six 239 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,240 months. And that's probably why at the 240 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:13,600 start of the year around springtime, I was saying 241 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,960 comparatively to how I felt six months prior to that was better. 242 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,840 But I was still dealing with a lot every single day and really 243 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,880 having to, to fight with myself to put my best foot forward. 244 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,080 And now I'd say I probably fight with myself to put my best foot 245 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:30,200 forward around 20% at the time, whereas back in April it was 246 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:34,640 probably still 70% at the time. And back this time last year was 247 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:38,200 probably 100% of the time. And I think a big lesson in the 248 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:42,240 last six months of me is being able to let things fucking be 249 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:46,480 and let people be and let myself be where I am in this journey of 250 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,840 life as well. Because I think if you are 251 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:53,280 someone who wants to help and wants to fix, that is so good. 252 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,560 And in a lot of ways, you can do that. 253 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,480 You can do a thing which can have a clear output both 254 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,720 physically and emotionally for another person that you care 255 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,800 about in your life. And you can make a difference. 256 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,280 And if you are that person, and that really is something that 257 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,200 fulfills you so much, never stop being who you are. 258 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,520 Always be someone who wants to do that for other people because 259 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,800 it's a really lovely quality to have. 260 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,520 But if you're anything like me, you find it hard to not blur the 261 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,520 line. And it's something that I'm 262 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,600 really working on with myself in all aspects, effects of my life, 263 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:28,840 which is if I see something that I can help someone with, it 264 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:33,240 almost becomes for me something that I need to do for them to 265 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:37,240 make their life better. And I will pour everything I 266 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:41,160 have into trying to shine that light for someone else in my 267 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,920 life. Whether it be, you know, 268 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,920 encouraging them to potentially change careers because I know 269 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,680 they would be absolutely incredible at something else. 270 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:52,440 Or whether it would be encouraging them to walk away 271 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:55,640 from a toxic friendship or a relationship that wasn't serving 272 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,480 them anymore. Or to look at potentially some 273 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:02,480 habits in their life around repeated patterns that doesn't 274 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,640 necessarily serve them. And I am not saying again that 275 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:11,960 I'm some fucking like Messiah where my opinion is gospel, but 276 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:15,120 I do think a lot of us in life, we can sometimes see things 277 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,480 better for the people around us than what they can for 278 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,400 themselves. I definitely know that about 279 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,840 myself sometimes is that when you're in it, you sometimes 280 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,720 can't raise your head above water and work out what path to 281 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,320 take because you're having to live with it. 282 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:30,080 And sometimes it takes someone on the outside to be like, I can 283 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,120 see how this could be better for you. 284 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,320 Have you thought about this? And so I'd very much say that 285 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,280 I'm coming at it from that perspective. 286 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:41,440 And so I will spend an awful lot of time strategizing and 287 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,120 thinking about how this person could make their life better and 288 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:49,120 easier for themselves and how I could play a role in doing that 289 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,520 for them as well. And it's something I've done my 290 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,600 whole life. Even friendships, I think dating 291 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,440 back to like probably my earliest friendship where I know 292 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:59,600 that I'd done this was my best friend when I was 13, who still 293 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,040 happens to be my best friend now. 294 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,200 And I think I've briefly spoken about it before. 295 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,960 She went through more than any singular person should have gone 296 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960 through by the age of 13 in this life. 297 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:13,560 And I remember 13 year old me genuinely scrambling nearly 298 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:17,320 every day to think about all the things that I could say or do to 299 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,200 help her and make her life better in that moment. 300 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,080 And I think she would look up and say that my friendship 301 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,680 because we were so close, like we lived to like she lived at my 302 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,120 house a lot at the time and we're literally like sisters. 303 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:31,240 And I've had conversations with her now we're adults and we 304 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,960 speak about that moment in time. And she does say, you know, 305 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,480 like, what would we do without each other? 306 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,200 Because she was also an incredible friend to me in so 307 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,800 many ways as well. And so I'd like to think that I 308 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,200 did help her a lot and we were able to have so much fun and 309 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,800 bring so much joy to each other's life in what was an 310 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,680 absolutely horrific time in her life. 311 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,520 But I do still remember scrambling every day to say the 312 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,640 right thing, do the right thing, and do more to try and fix the 313 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:58,280 fact of what she had gone through and help her healing. 314 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:01,400 And it didn't always work. And I used to really punish 315 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,960 myself and feel emotionally exhausted and actually really 316 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:09,080 dislike myself for not being able to really help that person. 317 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,800 And, and sorry, I'm actually getting a bit emotional, which 318 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,400 is really weird. And it took a lot from me as 319 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,320 well because I've really just wanted to help and I knew that I 320 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:20,600 couldn't do it all deep down, but my knee jerk reaction would 321 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,400 be to keep trying. And yeah, tracing back, that was 322 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,880 probably the start. When it comes to friends, I 323 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,720 think with my family, it's, you know, I was super young, but I 324 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,160 think I've always been this way. And then I've realized in my 325 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:34,880 adult relationships and life as well, I do it as well. 326 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:37,600 Like I can't just have someone come to me and say that they're 327 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:41,000 having a hard day without me straight away taking it 328 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,680 completely upon myself to try and fix every aspect of that for 329 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,560 them. And sometimes you can and 330 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:49,240 sometimes you really can't. And I think it's been showing up 331 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:53,040 a lot in my life again recently where you and it's a really 332 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:56,200 harsh saying, not a harsh saying, but it's a pretty direct 333 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,400 saying that my mum used to say to me all the time. 334 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,920 You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. 335 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,800 And that basically means that you could layout every bit of 336 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:07,240 yourself for people, all the best sides of yourself and offer 337 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,119 that help in hand and be that ladder and literally bring them 338 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:13,119 to the water if they're thirsty. But you can't make the person 339 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:16,319 get in or drink that water or pick up those tools that you lay 340 00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:18,440 out for them. That has to come from them. 341 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,839 And it's still a lesson that I am starting to learn, I think a 342 00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:24,119 lot more, but not one that I've learnt fully. 343 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:28,960 And it's really hard actually to be someone who puts a lot of 344 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:32,440 yourself out there and wants to lay themselves on the line 345 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,600 because a lot of the time you end up getting let down. 346 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,040 And I'm not going to sit here and be like, oh woe is me, I've 347 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,240 been let down. No, no, no, no, that's on me 348 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,360 because because I need to. And if you're listening to this 349 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:45,760 and relating, we need to be able to put the fucking red line down 350 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,800 for ourselves. It doesn't make you a kind and 351 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,880 intrinsically caring and whole person to move your line 352 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:57,280 constantly to adjust, to try and bring other people up if they 353 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,480 are showing you they're not ready to do that. 354 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,840 Watch what people show you. Don't listen to what people say. 355 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,720 Watch what people do. And if you have people in your 356 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:10,720 life who have good intentions and love you back and need you 357 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,240 and want you and help you and bring things to your life as 358 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,040 well, but you know that the imbalance is off a little bit. 359 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,440 And that's a whole other kind of therapy term as well, where 360 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,600 relationships in your life are not always 5050. 361 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,640 Sometimes it'll be 77030 to you, sometimes it'll be 8020 to them. 362 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,640 Because we all go through different things at different 363 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:27,880 times. But let's just say on the 364 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,600 general, we're talking about a 5050. 365 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,240 But then you know that it slips into a consistent 8020. 366 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:34,960 You are responsible for that as well. 367 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,440 You have to take control. It doesn't make you a bad person 368 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,760 to say no. It does doesn't make you an 369 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:44,560 unforgiving person to say that you're not doing a thing 370 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,560 anymore. You have to let people work 371 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:52,200 through their issues in life for themselves because you cannot 372 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:56,040 fix other people. And you can try and you can help 373 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:57,960 along the way. You can be a really good helping 374 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,280 hand along the way. But if you sit with an intention 375 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:05,880 or a true belief that you can 100% pull people into the light, 376 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,480 you are very wrong and all you will do is pull yourself down, 377 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:12,360 down into the darkness. And as I say, it's something 378 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,440 that I think I've always known as facts, but something that I 379 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,800 don't think I've ever really taken the time to work through 380 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,200 and actually implement. Then my red line, and I do it a 381 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,920 lot more now, even if it pains me and I feel like a bad person 382 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,960 and I feel like I could be leaving people in darkness and 383 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,640 that makes me not a nice person. I also do now have a deep 384 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,880 understanding that sometimes it's actually not the kindest 385 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,440 thing to constantly prop other people pull up because you're 386 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,880 not helping them, you're just putting a plaster over things 387 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,000 for them and that's not helping them in the long run reach true 388 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,640 happiness and peace for themselves. 389 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:51,520 And also, you're tying weights around your ankles and basically 390 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,560 walking into water with no floats around you because you 391 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,200 just cannot be that to someone all the time. 392 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,800 It is impossible. It has to come from them. 393 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,000 And on the flip side, I've realized that there's been a lot 394 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,640 of times in my life where I needed to be left and there was 395 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,880 so much noise around me. Me at moments in my life where I 396 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,120 desperately needed and wanted to be left. 397 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:16,840 And I feel like coming from the other perspective, I had people 398 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:20,440 still demanding and needing things of me in work, my 399 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,400 friendships, physically, romantically, emotionally. 400 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,480 And I just wasn't in a place where I wanted to give it or 401 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,960 could give it. And these people didn't ask me 402 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,200 in my life. And the demands of life happened 403 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:33,360 whether we want them to or not. But it wasn't that I was being 404 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:36,280 forced into this. It was just that I felt that 405 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,720 around me, even by people wanting me to put my best foot 406 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:43,240 forward, I was not in a place that I could do it. 407 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:47,320 I had to sit on my own for a bit to workout how to do that for 408 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,240 myself. And there was a time that there 409 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:52,960 wasn't really, I don't think anything anyone could have said 410 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,520 or done to fully pull me out of that. 411 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,800 There were conversations in my life and obviously amazing acts 412 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,200 of service that people done for me that helped me hugely, but 413 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,120 not enough that would have fixed me. 414 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:09,840 I had to walk through that darkness and workout the kind of 415 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:14,280 why for myself before I could get myself to the best version 416 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:18,200 of who I am and get myself back to who I wanted to be on my 417 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,280 terms. And I couldn't have done that 418 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,840 with the noise of lots of other people around me. 419 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,440 And so I think that's why I'm saying as well, sometimes even 420 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,640 if it feels really unkind to leave people in cycles that 421 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,920 could be harmful to them and hurtful to you, to kind of have 422 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,480 to leave them in that space, it can actually sometimes work out 423 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,880 to be the best thing both for them and you, the best thing for 424 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,840 them. Because sometimes when people 425 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,080 are left exposed, they have to act A&B. 426 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:51,120 It's the best and kindest thing that you can do for yourself to 427 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:54,360 be able to protect yourself because you can't save other 428 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,920 people if you're not keeping yourself afloat. 429 00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:01,280 And yeah, that's my hot take on leaving people where they are, 430 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:05,000 because it's something that I think comes up a lot, but one 431 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,880 that if you're anything like me, you don't ever put those 432 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,000 boundaries down for yourself. So you will just just exhaust 433 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,160 yourself emotionally and physically and end up basically 434 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,880 on the floor desperately wanting to pull someone out of something 435 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,880 and you've broken yourself down and they're still gonna probably 436 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,280 sit in the same place until they can decide to do it for 437 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,200 themselves. So if you aren't currently 438 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,200 experiencing that in your life, start doing little things to 439 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,080 protect yourself, you know, and that might be every time they 440 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,200 ring you pick up the phone, answer straight away and stop 441 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,440 everything you're doing. You can start saying, sorry, I'm 442 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,360 busy right now. I can call back in a couple of 443 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:39,320 hours or constantly checking in on them wondering if they're OK. 444 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,880 If you don't hear from them, trust that they'll reach out if 445 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,840 they need you. And if they're not reaching out, 446 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,520 then it's a good day and you can focus on yourself for not 447 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,240 changing your plans to accommodate for someone else and 448 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,320 saying I'm sorry I've already got plans. 449 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,080 It feels if you're anything like me, it goes against everything 450 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,840 and every fiber of who you are. But always being available 451 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,280 doesn't actually always mean that you are doing the right 452 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,360 thing as well. So I'd love to know if you 453 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:04,000 experienced this and what your hot take on my hot take is. 454 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,400 Sorry for the little like cry that I don't know what's wrong 455 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,600 with me because I can't even blame PMS ING. 456 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,480 I've been quite emotionally in the last couple of weeks. 457 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:12,760 Someone's going to DM me and say that there's a full moon, but I 458 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:14,800 feel like there's always a fucking full moon so can we 459 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:17,040 really use that as an excuse? I went back to being a non 460 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,680 emotional bitch for about two months and really struggled to 461 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:21,560 squeeze out a tear and now it's back again. 462 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:22,560 I don't know how I feel about it. 463 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,600 It's not because I can't show my emotions, but I just feel like 464 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,520 it's actually just a bit of a nag to cry, especially if you've 465 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,200 got makeup on and things. Do you know what I mean? 466 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,880 But it's nice to let it out. I didn't let it out fully then, 467 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,880 so maybe when I turn this off I'll revisit this in my brain 468 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:37,680 and let it out and then get on with my day. 469 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,880 Moving on to today's Horror Story though, I have actually 470 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,800 read this one briefly and I really like it, and it actually 471 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,800 does tie into this Horror Story quite well and it ties into my 472 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,800 Good Luck Babe episode from a few weeks ago. 473 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,480 So anonymous lesbian Horror Story because none of you ever 474 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:55,080 want to own how fucking chaotic you all are even though we're 475 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:57,280 all literally the same so why don't we just start naming and 476 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,400 shaming ourselves? Anyway, this one's titled 477 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,360 Lesbian Horror Story, which I like because it just gives 478 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,600 nothing away. So strap in, strap on. 479 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,680 Oh, this person says this in the e-mail as well lol. 480 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,360 We are literally all just the same fucking person, clones of 481 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:09,120 each other. Let's go. 482 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:12,680 Hi lesbians, anonymous lesbian Horror Story here from a lesbian 483 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,480 in the US during such a bizarre time period for us all. 484 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,560 It's a long 1, so strap in. Which, yeah, we need to do every 485 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,600 time. Several years ago I made friends 486 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,320 with this girl who, for the sake of the story, we all call 487 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,480 Bernice. I don't know why that name fits 488 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,560 the situation in my mind lol. Having read the story, I don't 489 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,360 think she sounds like a Bernice, but fine, we can deliberate that 490 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:34,080 another time. So Bernice, we were super close 491 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,280 for a long time and she started being a bit flirtatious with me, 492 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,400 like wanting to take baths together, skinny dipping, 493 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,280 kissing as a joke. A classic and I'll admit I 494 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,800 didn't hate it. However, she had a husband. 495 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,760 Another classic. I had a husband, another classic 496 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,920 at the time with whom I was in an open relationship with. 497 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,960 But I also respected their relationship so I never tried to 498 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,040 pursue anything with her. Fine, you're a good wholesome 499 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,320 lesbian. I could imagine that 90% of the 500 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,440 people listening to this couldn't say the same thing for 501 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,880 themselves. After we both moved states away 502 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,000 and both got divorced, we still kept in touch and we were always 503 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,520 there for each other when one of us needed a friend to talk to. 504 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,920 When I came out as a lesbian and left my ex, Bernice was a fierce 505 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,000 ally for me. Of course, that's really nice. 506 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,440 At one point, Bernice started dating a super beautiful masked 507 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,400 lesbian and I was so happy for her. 508 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:25,040 Then shortly after she told me how happy they were together and 509 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:28,480 how much she loved dating women, she called to tell me that her 510 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:31,960 girlfriend left her and was overreacting because she had 511 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,840 found men's underwear in Bernice's room. 512 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,520 I'm still unclear on the details, but I probably would 513 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:39,160 have freaked out if I was her too. 514 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,720 But again, I still tried to give Bernie's the benefit of the 515 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,560 doubt that she wasn't a liar. I don't know, I should have seen 516 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,440 that situation differently in hindsight, but Oh well. 517 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,920 I mean, the writing's on the wall really, isn't it? 518 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,680 I mean, to be fair, she's cheating one way or another. 519 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,120 She's cheating with a masked lesbian who likes to wear boxes 520 00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:57,640 or there's been a man in the bedroom. 521 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,880 Obviously, to be fair, the former is preferable because the 522 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,880 latter makes me feel violent. But it's not great, is it? 523 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,160 I respect that you're a good friend and wanted to see the 524 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:07,880 best in her. But yeah, the writing's on the 525 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,400 wall. A year or two later, while 526 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:12,440 Bernice went back to dating men, she calls me in the middle of 527 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,400 the night having a complete good luck babe meltdown. 528 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,600 Of course she did. She's telling me she knows she's 529 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,680 a lesbian, is ready to finally face her truth. 530 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,320 I mean, fair. I'm glad that she it took her 531 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,120 two years, but could have taken her a lot longer. 532 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,000 And I like the fact that she called up and she owned it. 533 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,040 After hearing her talk about herself discovery. 534 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:31,280 I agree with her that it does sound a lot like she was 535 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:34,360 experiencing compulsory heterosexuality, which we've 536 00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:37,240 touched upon on this podcast just like I had before, and that 537 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:39,480 I'm here for her if she needs a fellow lesbian to talk to her 538 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:42,200 about these feelings. After several hours of us crying 539 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,680 and laughing on the phone, I hung up, feeling proud of my 540 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,880 friend for finally trusting herself and feeling so confident 541 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,760 in her sexuality. A couple of months later, I see 542 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:53,000 Bernice change all of her profile pictures to 543 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,520 professionally shot portrait photos of her sitting on the lap 544 00:26:56,560 --> 00:27:01,000 of a scruffy bearded blonde. Typical frat boy kind of dude 545 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,960 shot. I messaged her asking if 546 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:06,520 everything was OK because the last time we spoke she told me 547 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,480 that she was ready to unpack her trauma from being with CIS men 548 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,120 and never could go back to hiding her truth of being a 549 00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:14,440 lesbian. She texted me and said she was 550 00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,560 fine and she had found her future husband. 551 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,320 Fucking hell the lengths. The lengths some of y'all will 552 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:25,680 go to to just hide the fact that you like looking Percy. 553 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:30,720 Like I understand we are in a really difficult like political 554 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,840 climate time of the world which I've unpacked so many times on 555 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,120 this podcast. I really do see it from both 556 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:38,800 sides. But like personally I'd rather 557 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,640 just say single or join a convent. 558 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:44,280 Like I'm going to become quite graphic here but if you are gay 559 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:49,160 and you know that you are a hardcore lesbian, in what world 560 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,720 and for who are you putting yourself through the emotional 561 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,440 trauma of having sex with or sucking a penis? 562 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,720 Sorry to be graphic but it's just fucking true. 563 00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,280 To prove what? Like just say single say say 564 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,320 maybe that like you just don't fill in an attraction to anyone 565 00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:07,320 or like I said join a community or convent or something. 566 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,880 Like why would you want to put yourself through that? 567 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,680 I would love to hear from anyone actually listening to this who 568 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:15,000 does do it. Like why you do it Because I 569 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,640 understand if you were with a man before you realized and then 570 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,040 you stay because you don't know how to kind of get out. 571 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,360 I still think you need to eventually sort yourself out but 572 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,000 whatever depending on the situation. 573 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:27,800 But if you are with a man and then you realize you're a 574 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:31,520 lesbian, leave said man, have a lesbian relationship, come out 575 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,120 as gay, know all of that, and then go back in the closet. 576 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:36,200 And I know a lot of that is because of the political climate 577 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,360 in which we are living in right now and how people are 578 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,640 literally, again, being taught to hate themselves. 579 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:43,320 But how do you do it? Like, I'm genuinely interested 580 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,120 how you do it. Please let me know. 581 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,320 I'd love to, like, have an anonymous submission. 582 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:50,880 Sorry, back to the Horror Story. So yeah, she texted me and said 583 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:52,920 she was fine and had found her future husband. 584 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,800 I decided it was none of my business. 585 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,760 And if she's happy, then I support her until she started 586 00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:01,600 posting pictures of her future husband's MAGA match. 587 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:03,440 And this is what I don't understand as well. 588 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,040 Not only have you gone back to men having said that you were a 589 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:09,720 lesbian, you are then going for like the worst type of person. 590 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:13,440 I think it is the the stain that American politics is having on 591 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:16,120 its citizens. But this is like 1 extreme to 592 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,200 another. So yeah, her future husband's 593 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,920 MAGA March. This shocked me even more than 594 00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:23,360 the fact that she was with the whole ass dude because during 595 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:26,880 the presidential election she was very focal about being anti 596 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:30,640 MAGA, even posting several if you're a man voted for trump 597 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,400 dump him videos all on her socials. 598 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,520 So I decided to ask her if she knew he was a MAGA Republican 599 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:39,200 the whole time and if she was anxious about that at all. 600 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,400 To which she replied yes she knew and no she doesn't think 601 00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:44,840 it's a problem. Now she's changed all of her 602 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:50,120 social media to Christian trad wife content in Bible verses 603 00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:53,880 about turning away from lust. I'm sorry someone's got a hold 604 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:56,120 of your friend. Like it's actually relatively 605 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:57,800 worrying that she really fucking sad. 606 00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,360 Like I know that I'm poking holes in it, but it's quite 607 00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,400 worrying. Sometimes I still feel sad for 608 00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:05,120 her knowing that she possibly is in one of the worst situations I 609 00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:07,640 can think of. Yeah, literally being a closeted 610 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:09,480 lesbian in a relationship with a Mega Man. 611 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,600 However, we aren't friends anymore because I don't feel 612 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,520 comfortable around women whose husbands believe my wife and I 613 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:16,400 are fundamentally less human than them. 614 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:19,200 Also, now I feel completely uncertain about every aspect of 615 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,280 her friendship that she could have lied to me about, and I 616 00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:22,800 don't even know who she is anymore. 617 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:24,480 If you read all of that, thank you so much. 618 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:26,920 You have no idea how comforting your podcast classes for me as a 619 00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:28,640 lesbian living in the States at this time. 620 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:30,440 Well thank you, that's really nice. 621 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:32,880 I feel exactly the same as you on this. 622 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:36,240 Like as much as I can kind of poke fun at that and know that 623 00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:40,840 in a way of like these women and former lesbians or not, former 624 00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:44,520 literal fucking lesbian stepping back into that, I do kind of 625 00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:46,360 think like, fuck you and good luck babe. 626 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:49,320 And I hope that you're awake at night because it does create so 627 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:53,320 much fucking harm for us in this community whilst they put on a 628 00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:55,240 mask. And I know it's painful for them 629 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:58,080 to pretend. Not as painful as us having our 630 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:00,920 lives at risk by these narratives that they are then 631 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:04,120 publicly shoving down people S throats having known what it 632 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:06,720 feels like to suffer. So that side of it really 633 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,120 infuriates me and makes me angry and makes me hope that it does 634 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:12,320 haunt her. But as you say, the second part 635 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:14,920 of it is I actually feel sorry for her because she's haunted 636 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:20,000 enough because no person of sound internal strength would 637 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:23,160 put themselves through that every single day. 638 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,560 And it is actually quite worrying. 639 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:28,480 And if it's someone that you have loved, you know, you say 640 00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:30,320 that you've been good friends with her for a long time and 641 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:31,840 stuff, and you were there for each other. 642 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,560 And then you're seeing someone put on this mask and you don't 643 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:38,560 recognize them. And you know that it is just so 644 00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:42,560 fake. It's upsetting and infuriating 645 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,600 and it's actually just kind of like, it's a real disdain, to be 646 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:47,560 honest. But it does still create that 647 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,120 little thing in the back of your mind where you, you're worrying 648 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,040 about them. Because as much as it's harmful 649 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:55,120 what they're doing, you still live your life happy and free 650 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:58,040 and you're with your wife and you are who you are. 651 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:01,160 And even if that's not always easy, you are who you are. 652 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:05,000 And she's now spreading hate because she hates herself so 653 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,080 much. And she's probably waking up 654 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:10,320 every morning turning around and looking at him with a lumping 655 00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:13,560 her throat, but now has kind of grounded herself in so deep she 656 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:16,000 can't roll it back. So it is really shitty. 657 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:18,880 It's funny, but it's shitty. But it is again, about, you 658 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,120 know, you say that you've removed her from your life And 659 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:24,720 it goes back to today's episode topic, which is like, you have 660 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:25,960 to just let her be where she's at. 661 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:30,320 And hopefully one day she has a fucking awakening and finds the 662 00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:34,360 strength within herself to step outside of that and be who she 663 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:38,040 really is and live her life authentically and be free and 664 00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:40,120 find happiness. Or she doesn't. 665 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:43,440 And if she doesn't, and that's really sad, but only she can do 666 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:45,640 that for herself. And that goes to everyone 667 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,560 listening to this as well, both on the side. 668 00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:51,280 As I've said, if you are someone who needs to be left, you have 669 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:54,080 to walk through the storm and you can lean on the people 670 00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:56,320 around you, but know that they can't save you. 671 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,480 It has to come from you, even if it's one of the hardest things 672 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:01,680 you'll ever do. You have to be that person who 673 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,800 saves themselves. And if you are someone who 674 00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:07,040 constantly looks to pull the people around you up, be that 675 00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:10,720 person always because that is an amazing trait to have. 676 00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:13,600 Don't do it at the detriment of drowning yourself. 677 00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:16,200 And that's it from me today. I'm going to wrap it up real 678 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,520 quick because I don't really think there's much else to say. 679 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:21,040 Have a think about it. I will say, New York is 680 00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:22,640 literally 2 weeks away. What the fuck? 681 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:25,240 It's going to be incredible. I can't wait to come out and 682 00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:28,320 party with all of you and just meet all of you and start 683 00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:31,240 building community in America because there's so many of you 684 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,960 who listen and follow the pod and have wanted us to do these 685 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,440 events for so long. And now it's finally happening. 686 00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:38,480 And that makes me really emotional as well because there 687 00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:41,040 was genuinely a time where I didn't think I would ever to be 688 00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:44,040 able to kind of come forward and stand up and do this again. 689 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,520 And I am. And not only am I doing it, I'm 690 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:49,400 doing it in one of the most like iconic places in the world. 691 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:53,200 And I know that this is going to be the start of more Lesbian 692 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,280 Supper Club all around the world. 693 00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:57,960 And we've got some really incredible things happening 694 00:33:57,960 --> 00:34:00,960 behind the scenes. And next year is going to 695 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:03,960 completely change everything for Lesbian Supper Club. 696 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:08,239 And it is going to be bigger, better, more accessible, cooler. 697 00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:10,040 Although can we get cooler? Can we get cooler? 698 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:12,560 Can we get hotter? I think we can, but I think it's 699 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:15,159 then going to be like astronomical levels of heart, 700 00:34:15,159 --> 00:34:18,120 which I'm all here for. And I'm so excited. 701 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:20,679 And it is so nice to finally be in a place where I know that I'm 702 00:34:20,679 --> 00:34:22,159 going to be able to enjoy it as well. 703 00:34:22,159 --> 00:34:25,639 Because me and Freya have held this together and broken our 704 00:34:25,639 --> 00:34:28,560 fucking backs to keep this podcast together literally 705 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:31,840 basically by ourselves. Because really no one has helped 706 00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:34,120 us until now. We've had help right at the 707 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,639 beginning and then it kind of got left, to be honest with you. 708 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:39,239 And we've done all of this ourselves and now everything is 709 00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:43,320 rolling back in for us. And I'm so happy because it's on 710 00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:47,000 our terms and it's on the terms of how we know this community 711 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,840 wants to see themselves represented, or I hope how you 712 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:51,560 like to see yourselves represented. 713 00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:55,239 And if you want us to add things or you have ideas, please let us 714 00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:56,719 know. But I'm so proud of that. 715 00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:00,760 And I really cannot wait to just like have 2026 become full 716 00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,560 visual. We've got some incredible guests 717 00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:04,440 lined up. The plans are incredible. 718 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,440 The merch is going to be incredible, though I don't want 719 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:08,080 to call it that, but I'm not going to give away what we're 720 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,400 going to call it until I've IP Ed everything because that's a 721 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,160 whole other Tetla fish. We're not going to name any 722 00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:14,800 names, but we see some of you just just letting you know. 723 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:18,840 We see some of you and yeah, it's going to be in fucking sane 724 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:22,360 and it's all because we have been able to keep on doing all 725 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:25,360 of this because you have all been so fucking incredible and I 726 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:28,320 say it so much, but keep supporting, keep following, keep 727 00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:31,920 rating this podcast, keep talking about us, keep D Ming us 728 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:34,200 keep commenting. Tell us what you want. 729 00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:36,360 Tell us how you want it. Tell us how you want us to show 730 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,040 up, what you want us to talk about who you want on. 731 00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:42,280 We may not always get back to you, but seriously overflow us 732 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,200 because knowing you better helps us be better. 733 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:46,960 And now I will finish on that note. 734 00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:51,280 So I love you so much, lesbians, and I will see and speak to you 735 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:54,840 again very soon. If I'm not seeing you at wine 736 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,680 night this Thursday, and if I'm not seeing you at pub night this 737 00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,440 Saturday, I will see you via the mic soon. 738 00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:02,840 You'll be able to see me via your screen as well. 739 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,080 I love you so much lesbians. Speak soon. 740 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:07,160 Goodbye.