Good morning, afternoon and evening lesbians.
How are we today? Welcome to the Lesbian Supper
Club podcast. You are joined by your Co host
Scarlett today sat on the sofa with the dog next to me.
So glory days for me. I've got nothing to complain
about today Actually I've had a well as in two days
circumstances. I've had a pretty nice
successful productive day. I've actually had a pretty
productive week since I decided last week that I was going to
open my mail. That wasn't great because I had
been avoiding that because I hadn't been around and I'd been
back and forth. And then when I got back, it
would be like, you know, 10 to 20 letters.
And I was just like, well, obviously I don't need to deal
with that. Like someone else will deal with
that for me at some point. And obviously no one else is
going to deal with that for me because it's my fucking mail.
And it was actually really dragging me down.
And I know that sounds extreme, but it was.
And then good friend Rachel was like, look, we need to do this.
And I was like, I really don't want to do this, but I did do
it. And it really helped me clear my
mind a bit. And I feel like I've cleared the
path to have more successful days ahead.
So open your mail. If you don't open your mouth,
open your mail. What I want to talk about today,
First of all, I want to talk about New York because I haven't
spoken to you guys since I've been to New York.
And firstly, I just want to say New York is fucking incredible.
I've made it no secret that like, America just generally
probably isn't my favorite place in the world right now.
And I find America as a concept sometimes quite dystopian just
because I find it so crazy that it's such like a hugely
populated and geographically spread place.
And then you just have one president controlling like the
whole area. And I know that obviously
there's lots of layers to the politics within that and how
it's divided up, but like, ultimately it falls down to one
person, which like, for me is insane because it is just so
huge and different. But I went to New York and I
can't lie, I loved it. And it's given me a lot to think
about because I love London. Like, I really love London and I
love where I live in London. Like I live in West London
around Notting Hill and I just, I love it.
Like I love the vibe here. I love that everything's on my
doorstep. I love that it's architecturally
beautiful. There's great bars, there's
great restaurants, all my friends are here, there's parks,
there's good coffee shops. Like there's so much amazing
stuff where I live. But when I got to New York, like
I went for the podcast and for our events.
And if you don't know, we are bringing lesbian supper club to
New York, but I'll get into that.
I know I'd like New York because I knew it would be like a
version of London. But honestly, when I got there,
I was like, fucking how? Like this is actually set.
Like it just, I don't know, just the vibe there.
And it just felt like whatever London has, you kind of have it
better in New York. And I know that that wouldn't go
for like everything, but the restaurants that I saw and it
just felt like everything was like London, but just bigger and
like kind of better. And New Yorkers I really liked
as well. And I went over to Brooklyn and
that was really cool. And like West Village was really
fucking cool. Tribeca was cool, Soho was cool.
Like I had amazing food. The bagels were incredible.
When you kind of lift your head up and you look upwards, you
just see this. I don't know, it's just like an
amazing energy. So New York is a big win for me,
Big winner, and I can't wait to come back more.
And leading into the events, we've secured 2 incredible
places in New York to bring Lesbian Supper Club out to New
York. One of which is the Mulberry and
the other is a place in Brooklyn, The Simple Cafe, which
is owned by a really incredible French Algerian lesbian who's
also an incredible chef. And I can't wait to just come
out and kind of deliver 2 very different nights and see what
New York crossover with Lesbian Supper Club looks like.
And it's, I think it's going to be pretty cool.
I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
And I'm so excited to just see how Lesbian Supper Club kind of
fits outside of London. Because I know that there's so
many of you guys that have followed the podcast for so long
and followed the events for so long.
And you've been asking. And I know it's not just New
York. And believe me, we've we're
really, really now laying the foundations as to how we step up
and expand and where we're going next.
And there is a lot of positive conversations in the pipeline,
not only surrounding the podcast.
We are finalizing some really amazing things where the podcast
is concerned. And we're having some really
exciting, incredible conversations where the events
are concerned. And there's also lots of other
things that sit alongside that as well, which I'm just really
excited to put out there to the world.
Because I think dealing with what we're dealing with
politically around the world right now and being silenced and
marginalised groups being silenced, just generally being
able to kind of spread our wings wider in this time just really
does. It means a lot to me that I feel
like I'm in a space that I can do that and bring that to this
community. But it also means a lot to me
how much you guys like you come and you show up and you support
and you feedback and you're always there and you're always
bringing good energy and you're always commenting on this
podcast or you're following the page and you're engaging with
us. And that's what enables us to go
out and be Lesbian Supper Club outside of London and to speak
about the things that we speak about and to bring these events
further and wider than we ever thought possible because we've
got such an incredible community.
And that's down to every single one of you.
So I do just want to say again, like, thank you.
Because we do, me and Freya do put in a lot of fucking blood,
sweat and tears into this whole brand.
Like I am tired a lot of the time.
And I'm not complaining. But you know, this is like our
baby and I care about it so much because I care about this
community so much. And I stress myself out everyday
thinking that I'm like dropping the ball or I'm not doing
enough, I'm not delivering enough, or I'm missing speaking
on something, or fuck, we've missed this.
And are we showing up in the right way or we need to be
showing up here? And it's a lot.
It is a lot. But I think like it comes down
to all of us. We're just trying to do our bit
in a really big landscape of the world.
And I am just grateful that we're able to do it and we're
able to kind of have this experience with everyone.
So yes, thank you to everyone listening and thank you to
everyone that supports. What else have I been up to?
Yeah, that's basically it. It's like New York.
The events over here have been incredible as usual.
We've actually got a karaoke night tomorrow, so by the time
this goes out, it would have happened because I'm recording
this on Wednesday and the karaoke night is tomorrow.
That's going to be fun. It's at this place called My
Aggie. It's a new place that's opened
in central London and it's very Lesbian Supper Club coded like
the vibe. And I'm really like think it's
just gonna bring again, like another layer, something
different to what queer events look like or what Lesbian Supper
Club does. And how we kind of spread our
wings and diversify ourselves and become something for
everyone, whilst also presenting ourselves in our very like raw,
authentic way, which is we're a group of women, non binary folk
who are cool and we're successful and we show up for
each other and we're all intelligent and we don't need
men basically. And that's what I love about
this community as well as I feel like we've built such like a
strong narrative between ourselves.
But I'm going to stop rambling on the events and the podcast,
but I do like to kind of give you guys always like a little
life update and just an update on where we're at to keep you
informed because it is hard to kind of use social sometimes to
give insight and updates as to where we're going and where
we're headed and what we're doing.
But what I wanted to come on and talk about today is something
that I've touched on it before in other episodes.
But I want to actually really dig deep into this because I've
been thinking about it a lot, which is the whole am IA man
hating lesbian thing or being called a man hating lesbian.
And I've mentioned previously, of course, I'm not a man hating
lesbian, but it's really weird because, and again, without
making this podcast too political, but I think
everything in this world is political.
Everything we say, everything we do, how we show up in the world
is, is political. And I do believe that whether
for good or bad or indifferent, I don't think any of us can walk
through the world freely without politics or a political agenda
slash landscape or current climate affecting us or kind of
guiding us on the daily. I do truly believe that.
And I have noticed over the last, I'd say primarily six
months actually, since the world has become sadly just the
epitome of what I can only explain as a shit show.
I myself have had more degrading and difficult and just
unacceptable conversations and experiences with men in the last
six months than I reckon I've had overall in the last 8 to 10
years. And that is genuinely no
exaggeration. And I've been thinking a lot
recently about this, the whole man hating lesbian term.
And actually I just want to say I don't think any lesbians are
man hating lesbians really. I think men hate us and
therefore we turn into man hating lesbians.
Now let me explain that again. Preface this whole thing by
saying I speak with and work with and have friendships with
and family members that I talk to regularly who are men who I
love to pieces and I know love me wholly and support me and
accept who I am and would do anything for me.
And a good people and a good man.
I've got absolutely no issue with kind of spreading love to
those people. I have been working with and
engaging with men both inside and outside of this podcast more
so than ever recently. And they've been some of my best
conversations and biggest advocates.
And then in my personal life, I have very good male friends and
guy friends that I actually truly, genuinely love spending
time with. But teamed into that has also
been, as I say, a rise of more deeply rooted misogynistic,
sexist, just fucking semi homophobic conversations than I
have had in, yeah, probably the last decade.
And I do believe it's because what we consume and what is put
around us now in the world is gradually or is able to
gradually turn the tide on how we'd usually present ourselves
without us even realizing it. And I want to break that down.
And I'm not making excuses for these guys, but I do think with
the uprise of some political figures and how they use social
media to get into the minds of people is extremely clever.
And I think it works effectively.
Very, very, very well. And sadly, the outcome of that
is that marginalized groups and communities like ourselves have
to deal with the backlash of that.
So let me give you a couple of examples of why I'm a man hating
lesbian because men hate US. One of which is that I was on
public transport with a friend a few weeks back and this friend
basically fell asleep on my shoulder and this friend was
ill. And I'm always kind of looking
around me on public transport anyway, when it's kind of later
in the evening just because, well, I want to say I'm hyper
vigilant. And I, I am hyper vigilant
because that's how they've made us be, right?
And I'm looking around, keeping my eyes peeled, and this guy
gets on. He's like an older guy.
I want to say he's in his 50s, but he could have been older.
And I see him like, look us up and down and bet by the way,
this person was literally just leaning on my fucking shoulder.
That is literally what was happening.
And it's almost like I could read his mind and he's staring
at me and I'm staring at him and I'm thinking, OK fucker, I'm
looking at you and I'm not going to break eye contact.
So you are the need to break eye contact or we just going to be
looking at each other for this whole trip.
Because one thing about me is like, I'm not going to be
intimidated by this. And he finally looks away.
I've just got this like weird suspicion when it comes to his
phone again. Like my gut was just going off.
And luckily, because we were on the tube and it was dark, I
could see his phone in the reflection of the, like, window
behind him on the tube. So I was kind of like every now
and then having a look and he went on Twitter, which is now
what? XI didn't use it.
He went on that media platform anyway and was scrolling along.
So I was kind of like, OK, fine. He, you know, he's doing what he
wants to do. And then the next thing I look
over and I see he's brought his camera and he's pointing it
directly at my feet and he's recording.
And I'm thinking, OK, well I can't really do anything right
now. But then he starts to lift his
phone up to start recording me. And my friend and I just looked
over at him and said, what the fuck are you doing?
And straight away he shit himself because obviously he
didn't know that I could see. And he was like, I'm not doing
anything. I was like, listen, dumb fuck,
your phone screen is literally reflecting in the window behind
you. I can see what you're doing.
Why are you recording me? I'm not recording you.
I was like, are you stupid? Like I know that you're
recording me because I've literally just told you.
I've witnessed you do it. I'm asking you why?
And he was like, well, it's not illegal to record people.
I was like, again, that's not what I'm saying, is it?
I'm asking you why not telling you it's illegal, although I'm
pretty sure there is some pretty strict regulations around it,
which I actually need to look into for next time because no
doubt there fucking will be. And we're going back and forth
and I'm like, are you like, literally, are you OK?
What, What is your problem? Like we're all just sat on the
tube here. It's late at night, What's the
issue? And he looks up to me and goes,
man should be laid with woman, woman shouldn't be laid with
women. And I was like, Oh my, here we
go. Here we go.
I was like, dude, Duff, like literally what are you talking
about? That could have been a guy laid
up. It could have been a guy laid in
my shoulder. I could have been a guy, a girl
laid on a guy's shoulder. Like it was so innocent.
I can't even explain to you. And this is again where I'm
like, you literally hate me for watching my friend lay on my
shoulder. For what?
What are you watching as a man of you know, some life
experience that you were getting on a public space on public
transport and you were recording innocent people, one of whom is
literally asleep. Like what the fuck is wrong with
you? I can't fathom.
Anyway, we were going back and forth and I could feel myself
getting more and more worked up and I was like, you need to
delete that right now. And he was going back and forth
and he wouldn't. And this older chap actually who
was sat next to him and opposite me was like, well, my wife's
asleep on my shoulder. So why aren't you recording us?
Which kudos to that guy, like thank you.
And he was just like, it's wrong.
It's wrong, it's wrong, bro. What do you mean?
Like if we were, it still doesn't make it right.
But if this was someone that I was seeing or someone that I was
with, we're making out on the tube and he's offended by it
still. I would be having an argument
with him, but it would just be a slightly different one.
But what is happening in the world where this guy thinks that
he can get on a train and just record people?
So we're going back and forth and then eventually this like
young lad gets up and was like, bruv, you need to get off at the
next stop. And only when he said that did
this guy get up and and leave because I at this point, like I
was losing my mind a bit. I can't lie.
So that is scenario one, why I actually hate them because that
guy gave me a reason to hate him.
Then do you see this? That he could have come on, sat
down, I could have had a chat with him, but no, no, he's got
to come on and think that he's got divine right to pull out his
phone and start recording me. So reason number one reason #2
is when they approached in our own spaces.
So I know this used to happen in Soho a lot, and thankfully it
never happens at LSE. You know, Lisas Portobello,
which is where we host one of our nights.
We've got security there. Not that we really need it, but
I'm just so glad that we do have it and we, we never have a
problem. You know, you get the odd like
local person who is probably on some form of substance come by,
but it's not homophobic. It's not charged in any other
way than they're just having the time off their lives on one
thing or another. And then we have a separate
place which is another pub around the corner.
And what's amazing about that is like it's completely closed off.
But again, we had it like a few months ago where we'd left the
pub and these group of young Irish lads have got winds that
it was a it was a queer party. And as a group of us are walking
back, they start basically saying like dirty dykes and all
of that stuff. And like, we're not the type.
They keep walking the group, so to speak.
So again, they had the the wrath of all of our tempers.
And we're very much a group of girls who like maybe sometimes
to our own detriment, we'll stand there and fight as in give
it back. But again, I can't walk away
from injustice like that. And they were just saying like,
you're fucking disgusting. You're this and you're that.
And like also then trying to take the piss and OK, these were
a bunch of like 18 year old lads.
Do I care? No, I don't.
Like you're old enough to know better.
We'll sit there and just absolutely go in.
And again, it's like you're a group of people that are coming
to another group of people and just throwing shit at us For
what? Literally for what?
Like why are you interested in me?
Why do you care? Get on with your life.
Like, if you think we're so disgraceful and disgusting, why
would you want to engage with us?
And again, it's this like obsession with men where they
just think that they have rights.
And well, The thing is, is they do have rights.
Because again, like I've mentioned this before, they've
been told their whole fucking life that they can just
sometimes behave in these ways and get away with it.
And sadly, statistically, it shows that they do get away with
it a lot of the time. And then the third and final one
for me is guys who basically cannot fathom the fact that two
women or just single lesbians or queer women could exist very,
very happily in the world with good financial security and
stability. A really good group of friends.
Happiness, be hot, be successful in their job.
Have a shit load of animals. Volunteer.
Have a fucking massive group of friends.
Go out every weekend, can cook, can fix their own fucking car,
can ride motorbikes, can decorate their own house, can, I
don't know, fucking go to the gym and lift heavier than them.
We can do all of those things by ourselves.
We don't need you. And that's not to say that men
and women don't need to exist in the world like whatever, that's
a whole other separate debate. But in this instance right now
or in this community, like we don't need you.
Of course, if you want to get nuanced about or what about when
you go to the doctor, Yes. But what I'm saying is that in
the way in which society works, where we are told generally
still women does this, men does that, here are your binaries,
here are your generals. Yes, OK, we could argue in some
way, shape or form, sometimes it gets better.
The cup is tipping in, in some ways, etcetera, etcetera.
The rise of women's football, for example.
But let's just speak like, broadly on general terms here
for argument's sake, that lesbians can and do exist in the
world happily without male involvement.
And there is something really that nags them about that.
And I've had a lot of conversations recently with men
who it's not even necessarily now about my sexuality.
I see them almost like crumble within when I say to them, oh,
yeah, I do this. And like basically me and Freya
do it on our own with Liv layered on top and.
Yeah, no, we do it all on our own.
And they're like, yeah, but no, no, no, like we do that.
No, I, I do that. And then they start trying to
talk to me about like commercial stuff.
And I'm like, yeah, no, that's what I used to do for a job.
I know. Although they start talking to
me about finance and I'm like, yeah, no, I know.
Or yeah, I've got an accountant, like thank you.
And they, every time they try to mansplain something to me, it
just doesn't work. And you kind of see them start
to, to crumble. And look, I can have like
conversations with guys around business.
I love talking to, to people about business and, and business
ideas and strategy. And you know, what do you do?
Oh great, like I do this and coming in and collabing.
And again, there's a guy that I spoke to recently who I actually
really love as a person. And me and him was speaking for
ages because he used to work in the alcohol industry.
And so we were just having general chit chat.
And he's a person who comes and did it and approaches it with
open and is like not emasculated by the fact that I don't need
him. But 95% of the time that's
actually not the case. And they come at it and then
they, you see them start to unravel when they can't almost
like Filiga. And then then they kind of start
to make like really kind of asshole E type jokes about
sometimes then coming for the way that you look, which is
like, OK, bro, like your hairline's on your neck or do
you? I don't want to be that person,
but do you know what I mean? It's like, why when you can't
get the better of me and something that you usually like
be basing your whole existence on because you think you're
better than you can't get your like way in that conversation
and try and talk down to me. So then you're going to make it
about appearances. And then when they can't make it
about anything like that, like they, they can't get to you in
any of those ways, they hit you with the well, you've just not
had the right Dick yet. Like, come on, we're not like
bro, I do. And this is my new thing I've
got to say. And it's so bad when you say bro
to them, Oh, they don't like it. So this is a new thing for me.
And it's like, well, but that's not the case though, is it?
Like clearly that's not the problem here.
Like the very matter of fact is I am just not attracted to you
and I can like you as a person and think that you could be a
great individual, but I'm just not attracted to you.
And that's got nothing to do with me not having the right
version of what you're saying that you can offer.
I literally am not attracted to you in any way, shape or form.
And you feel the type of way that because we as a collective
or as a group, AKA lesbians, don't have that attraction to
you and you can't fathom that's just because we actually just
don't like you. And not because we've had bad
experiences with men or, you know, haven't found the right
guy. No, no, no, no.
We literally just don't want you.
And because we don't want you, and you know that we don't want
you and don't desire you, you also realise that we then
probably don't need you. Because sadly, the two do
historically go hand in hand. Where it's almost like the woman
is kind of taught to seek after the man.
And then the man will come in and sweep you off your feet and
provide XY and Z and all you have to do is love him and care
for him and be there on his hand and foot.
Whereas lesbians are sat there going well I ain't ever going to
do that. So if I'm not going to lick a
man's arse, I'm going to need to step outside and actually do all
the shit for myself. And that's just what we do.
And because we do do that as a group just generally and like,
you know, at the events or speaking more to this community,
like I meet regularly now, so many inspiring, incredible women
who have just worked their fucking arse off to get to the
top and to get where they are and to be self-sufficient and to
not rely on any guy or need any man to have helped them with
their career or financially or with the home or, you know, in
any way, shape or form. And it's like such an it is like
almost liberation. And again, I need to say like,
circle this back and say this is not me saying men don't need to
exist. Of course it isn't like is that
would be like saying that human shouldn't exist.
Like, like I say, some of the best collaborations and
conversations I have are with men, but these are a type of man
who, like respect that we can be equal.
And that's what it's about. It's like we can be equal.
Whereas a lot of the time there is still that kind of historical
societal binary where men and women are concerned that whether
they acknowledge it or not, they think that they've got an upper
hand. And when they meet a lesbian and
that's not the case, they just can't fucking handle it.
And then we end up having to suffer the consequences, which
is them either then saying widely inappropriate shit,
ignoring what we say entirely and just pretending that pretend
that we're like a farce or just speaking shit or B result to
kind of like taking the piss and trying to make us into a joke,
which obviously none of which work.
And they if you're anything like me, they just end up making a
fucking fool of themselves. But yeah, back to the kind of
original appointment of this is like, this is what I've been
thinking about. Am IA man hating lesbian or do
men hate us? And actually, I think we're men
hating lesbians or man hating lesbians.
Sorry, because they've given us reason to like, I don't walk
down the street thinking you man, or, you know, get on a call
with a with anyone or any type of business and think, well,
there's a guy in the room. I don't want to speak.
Of course, I'm never thinking that.
A lot of or actually not a lot of the time.
All of the time. My anger and my quote UN quote
man hating lesbian tendencies are off the back of something
they've fucking done. Like tell me that they would
turn me or like, tell me that lesbians can't have good sex or
tell me that I need them business wise or financially or,
you know, oh, they love to say about the baby thing as well,
which is we'll save that for another day.
And it's like, that's that's why I'm pissed off.
Because the difference, again, I think between lesbians and
straight women is that straight women are still like, you know,
kind of when you're back when, when you're bound into that,
it's like that's your life. And I, and I, I get it.
It's like it's easier to fall into those roles and a lot of
people like those roles as well. And I actually really respect
that. And I think even in lesbian
relationships, you know, we come up with, with roles, it looks
slightly different because in a lot of scenarios, of course we
wouldn't be calling it quote UN quote gender roles, but we have
that as well, which I, I do absolutely understand.
But I think they can't see how it just works without them.
And then that breeds like them to dislike us.
And there is like, I feel like a real anger from them sometimes
when I talk to them and like a real fucking frustration and
like a real just disdain for me. I can feel it.
And then off the back of that I'm then pissed off because I'm
annoyed that again, they think they're having an original
conversation. And I'm going to say it bro,
I've had this conversation probably 100 plus times.
Like I've got a fucking script at this point.
None of you are unique with what you're saying.
You're not coming at it from a nuanced angle where I'm like, Oh
my God, you've just opened my world up.
Had only I have known this 13 years ago, I would never have
become a lesbian. News fucking flash, you are
literally repeating the same fucking script from the dude
that I had the same conversation with last week.
And that's why I'm annoyed and that's why I get frustrated
because that's why I am all of these ways and that's why you
could probably class me as a man hating lesbian.
I'm not until you give me reason to.
And then on top of that, let's take it out of the day today and
take it up level. A lot of the reason why the
world is fucked is because of men.
Fact, Like a literal fucking fact.
They run the shop, you know, they run a lot of like political
systems, big businesses, pharmaceuticals, oil, like a lot
of the huge like crux of where problems are in the world is
generally male dominated or male LED.
Again, I'm not stupid enough to not think that.
There's also some really incredible men that have stood
up and have done incredible things for change and that
inspire me. Long pause.
Me trying to figure out who David Attenborough, for example,
incredible, Martin Luther King, incredible.
Like there's historically been so many amazing and continues to
be so many amazing men and advocates for the right things
in this world. And also just incredible,
amazing straight men who I have actually really engaging and
honest conversations with when it comes to sexuality, gender.
And they may walk into it not knowing, but they always open
the conversation with grace. And I'm happy to have those
conversations. Sadly, it just doesn't happen a
lot of the time. And that's where I get pissed
off and that's where I turn to a man hating lesbian.
And as I said at the start of this is like I'm feeling it more
recently because I do think, and I don't know if it's the
experience of anyone listening as well.
And I'd actually love to hear like please comment and let me
know where sometimes I gaslight myself and I'm like, is it in my
head or has it got worse since the world has felt like it
started to rollback? And for me, it generally does
feel like it has gotten worse since the world has sadly
started to rollback. And I'd be interested to know if
any of you guys have kind of had similar experiences since there
has been a shift over the last, you know, realistically 18
months, but I'd say more intensely the last six.
And yeah, that's kind of my food for thought on today around am
IA man hating lesbian or actually do men hate us?
And I would love to hear your kind of comments and insight and
what you think about that because this is just my take.
And as usual, I'm not trying to pretend that it's my way or the
highway or that I know best or that my take on this is, is
correct. It's just something that's I've
been having conversations with myself about it the last couple
of weeks and working out why I get to that point and why I am
so quick to jump. And I think that I'm just tired.
And I'm kind of happy to be labeled a man hating lesbian in
a lot of ways. Because it's like, if you're
that silly that you've got to just put that label on us just
because we don't take shit, then I'm happy to be there.
But I also think it's really sad because I don't then think it
leaves a lot of room for like really positive conversation and
also really engaging, organic and nice conversations that I
have with straight men. But moving on now to our Horror
Story of today. So this is less of a Horror
Story and more I would say of a, well, it is horror because
heartbreak is horror, but more of a, you know, this is actually
really sad. And let me see if I can help
rather than a let's laugh at how disgraceful we all are as a
collective. So this person wrote in and said
hi. I'm currently going through the
breakup of my 11 year relationship.
Ouch. Me and my ex met when we were 21
and we've had an amazing time together.
We ran a business, have travelled a town, had pets
together, the full shebang. This sounds quite familiar
girls, doesn't it? But something changed in the
last couple of years. I lost the sexual spark and then
she lost the emotional spark and we've just been unable to please
each other ever since. Two weeks ago we had the big
horrible chat. We spoke openly about how we
both weren't happy in different ways and how it doesn't feel
like there's anything that can be done.
We both really love each other and want the other to be happy.
And it went well. It was civil, respectful, and
loving. I couldn't have wished for a
nicer breakup, which is actually quite nice to hear for this
community because we all know that doesn't happen often.
Since then, my ex in brackets, I hate calling her this, seems to
be thriving. I however, am really fucking
struggling. I know this is for the best but
I just feel like my heart has been ripped out.
I'm just in deep mourning for the life we had and the plans we
had made. It's so so hard.
And then to top off, fucking Chapel Roan releases a lesbian
breakup anthem a week after we break up.
I want to throw up every time the subway comes on.
Sorry it's not funny but we just.
I can relate. Not now, but I would have been
able to relate. But I can't stop playing it and
torturing myself basically. Does it get better and if so
when and how do I make it quicker?
I hate this and I'm considering romantic retirement for the rest
of my days because I surely cannot believe in love again
after this. It's fucking rank.
First of all, you will be OK. I can say that with every single
fibre of my being an insurance. It may take a while.
You may be listening to this now thinking, well I wrote that in a
few weeks ago and I still feel shit.
Great. You may, you may for another two
months, three months, five months, even 8 months a year.
But it will be OK. You will come through the other
side. The tide will always change.
It's like my new favorite quote. The tide will always change and
that goes for good and bad in life.
And the first thing I want to say when I talk about this as
well, actually, before we go into the lesbian breakup issues,
life will always have ups and downs.
There will always be good, there will always be bad, there'll
always be happy days, sad days. Someone's always going to die,
someone's always going to be born.
You're going to fall in love, you're going to go through
heartbreak, you're going to get the job that you want and then
you may get sacked. This is a part of life and we
can't control those things and we cannot absolve ourselves of
going through these things because they are just the very
real reality realities and harsh realities of life, both good and
bad. And so I think for me, when I
went through everything that I went through primarily last year
a little bit before and actually a good chunk of this year was
that it wasn't nothing for me now is actually about finding
happiness. I know happiness will come and I
know happiness will go as I know sadness will come and sadness
will go. What I look for now or what I've
tried to really, really work on for myself is peace.
Because if you can find peace and you can find peace within
yourself, that's a lot harder to break than happiness, because
happiness is usually governed by external circumstances, as is
sadness. Peace is something that you can
build within yourself that if you get to know yourself really
well, work through the things within you that trigger you and
the things that you find difficult about day-to-day or
big events, and you're able to create safe spaces within
yourself to help with those emotions.
When the tide changes, because the tide will always change, you
will be less affected by those things.
And that doesn't mean that you won't feel hurt and you won't
feel emotion again and that you wouldn't be really fucking sad
again or really happy again. What it does mean is that you
are able to come to yourself in both moments of happiness and
moments of difficulty. And I think that's a super
difficult thing to master and it's something that I'm still
hugely working on. But it's something that I
believe that I have been able to build a lot more than what I had
had previously, which is now why when things happen and things do
happen, things happen almost on a weekly, I'm less affected and
it feels less catastrophic and chaotic because I know how to
walk back to myself and come to myself and find peace.
And so I just kind of wanted to start off the advice to this
person on that, which is, yes, of course, you will fall in love
again. And you know what, you'll
probably go through heartbreak again because that is the very
fact of life. But it sounds to me that you
have absolutely done the right thing.
I think relationships do change, grow and evolve over time, no
matter how you started off, how incredible it has been, the very
fact again, of life. And people think that I'm really
pessimistic say this, but, and I'm not trying to be, I just
think it's real, is that most things do end and we put such
negativity on ending, as if having something and living
through something isn't just really lovely and beautiful in
its own right. Of course, breakups are hard and
sad, but I think we put this expectation on ourselves and
then almost also feel like failures when things come to an
end. And I think that's such a sad
way of looking at things. And it's definitely a way that I
look at things as well sometimes.
And I have to kind of talk to myself or remind myself, which
is like, you can have an amazing time with someone for years of
your life and you can have plans and you could have so many
beautiful experiences together and you can love them with every
fibre of your being. And then one day it just shifts
and you don't always need a reason.
And that doesn't always need to be a big shebang.
And that doesn't need to be a huge or well, you've got a job
elsewhere or we both, or you don't want children and I do, or
you want marriage and I don't. Sometimes you can just wake up
in the morning one day and realize you may be different.
You may change your feelings just may not be the same.
That's OK. That doesn't always need to be a
reason. And I think as well, we put so
much on, but everything wasn't that bad.
Cool. That doesn't mean that that you
have to stay in something, you know, as this person that's
written and then is saying like it seems like there's a lot of
love there. You just kind of lost the
romantic spark. That's OK.
You're allowed to have been able to have ticked every other box
and just a couple of boxes weren't being ticked and that
was affecting you both. That is a reason enough to walk
away. Yes, of course there are
scenarios whereby you can work through things and if you both
fill in your gut that it's right to stay and work through it, by
all means go and do that. I think if we're all really
honest with ourselves, you know, deep down when it's something
that's not right for you anymore, whether it be a job, a
friendship, a relationship, holding on to, I don't know, a
fucking car, whether you should be going to McDonald's 3 or 4
times a week. Sometimes it's like a knowing
and it calls on you and when it does, you can ignore it for as
long as you like until you listen to it.
You will stay in a cycle. And so to this person, yes of
course you will absolutely come through the other side.
There's just no doubt about it. You will be OK and you will love
again and your life will fucking go on and you will look back and
think I love that person still. You'll always love that person.
You cannot share such a huge portion of your life with
someone and never love them again unless they don't do you
really, really dirty. And I do again truly believe
that we hold people in our hearts for a lifetime if they've
like had an impact on us. AB this person is part of your
makeup and your being because you've lived with them for 11
years. You've shared everyday with them
amazing experiences. They are part of who you are and
that will always just stand facts.
But you will move on and you will get on with your life and
one day you'll sit back and go. Now I understand why that needed
to happen, and that may take a really long time, and I'm not
saying it wouldn't be really hard to get there, but just
believe that you will get there. It's inevitable.
You simply cannot and will not sit in this space because things
around you change every day and things inside of you change
every single day, whether it be conscious or subconscious.
And I think we can all do things to help ourselves.
So yes, of course, don't fucking lay in bed all day every day
crying over the subway like we need to make active steps to get
up and push forward and learn from these things.
But you simply will never stay stagnant in the same place with
the same emotion because life moves around you even if you're
not moving through it. So that's my first advice is
that yes you, you will be OK, you will be sad and then one day
you will be OK. Believe me, you will wake up 1
morning and you won't even realise until you've done it for
a few mornings because this is what happened to me.
And you will suddenly just go, oh, I actually feel all right,
like, and you can't work out how it happens or when it happens or
why, but it just does happen. So believe that AB when you talk
about her and how she's reacting in, in XY and Z, this is going
to be a bit painful, but it's none of your business.
Like firstly, there could be 1000 reasons why she's acting
that way. Some people shut down and go
into fight or flight and just ignore.
She might feel temporary relief. She may be putting on an act to
try and make you feel better or make you feel worse.
It sounds like from the kind of breakup that you had that I
would imagine it's the former, which is she just wants to be
happy and be OK. It could be that she's had some
really great news since the breakup.
It could be a whole host of things.
But realistically, it doesn't have anything to do with you.
And I'm not saying that in a way of being like leave her alone
doesn't have anything to do with you.
It's not about that for yourself.
Make it nothing to do with you because whilst you're focused on
how she's reacting, how she's responding, what she's doing,
you're not looking at yourself. So how can you expect to heal
and move forward and become better and learn and walk
through this if you're constantly looking at her?
It's like if you're looking, you know, up at the sky when you're
walking down the street, you're probably going to run into
something or hit something because you're not looking out
for you. You need to look out for
yourself. So don't.
This is just advice for everyone.
Generally when you go for a break up, it is natural.
Of course it's natural to stalk their fucking social media and
things like that. We all do it.
I'm not going to sit here and say that I've not done it or
I've not done it on crashes and things like that.
Of course we're all human. Like let's not put unnecessary
or unlikely expectations on ourselves that we're not going
to fulfil. But if you're walking through
your day-to-day, basing your navigation through the world or
your emotions or how you're reacting to things on how other
people are doing it, you will never, ever be happy.
Like I can truly say it from my chest that I am now in a place
in my life where I'm not perfect, and it's not a perfect
place at all. But going back to the initial
conversation around this advice part about finding peace is
like, I'm not looking at what other people are doing and
worrying about it and not in like AI don't care about other
people or care about my friends or care about the people around
me. I care if people are messaging
me and approaching me about things, of course, but I'm not
going out of my way to look at what someone else is doing on
something called. If someone I think doesn't like
me is looking at my Instagram stories or checking them out,
why would I do that? There's such a waste of my time
and waste of my energy. I've definitely done that in the
past. I wouldn't say I've always,
always, I've been the type of person that's like done that as
a regular thing because I haven't.
But I can genuinely say now I don't do that because why would
I don't want to live my life like that?
And I think when we go through breakups, we need to stop
focusing on the other person. It's not worked out for whatever
reason. And there could be 1000 reasons
to each of you listening to this.
Everyone situation will be slightly different, but how do
you expect to heal and move on and become better if you're
still looking across at what they're doing?
And yeah, that may seem harsh and I'm not trying to make it
seem harsh. I just think like sometimes a
bit of tough love that you could sit down with your friends and
go. She's posted this.
What do you think that means? Why does it does it matter at
this point? You're not together.
What difference is it going to make?
Focus on yourself. And I can promise you the moment
you start doing that, you will feel different.
And it's hard, it's hard to train your brain outside of
those patterns. But if you can do it, it's like
when you start doing it, it does again.
That becomes a new habit and you will probably realize that you
take steps forward a lot faster than what you do when you sit in
a space of wondering why, wondering how, and still kind of
looking over your shoulder at the other person.
So that is my advice on 11 year lesbian breakup.
So I am really sorry. Obviously it's awful and I don't
wish it on my worst enemy, but it is a part of life.
None of us are alone in it. It just happens.
It happens all day, every day. And I always like to say that to
myself, like none of us are special.
This is just a part of life that happens to all of us and it's
sad as it is. We've all all been through it
and we all do 9 times, well actually 99999 times out of 10
come out the other side and we learn something from it and
we're better people for it. So that is all I have today for
you lesbians. I hope you've enjoyed my man
hating lesbian rant. I really want to know what you
think and my semi kind of rant slash.
I hope somewhat useful advice there.
To that person that wrote in please do keep submitting your
lesbian horror stories we need more of them.
I can't wait to keep you guys updated on everything that's
happening and we will see you next week.
Love you so much lesbians. Speak soon.
Goodbye.