Welcome to the nourishing. Amy podcast.
I'm Amy Rankin. I am an emotional intelligence
and life coach as Speaker, a Creator, and a wellness.
Chaser, I have created this podcast for you to learn how
'but mindset changes and get really actionable.
Takeaways to find out who you are, what lights you up, how you
can love yourself again and how to live your best life.
Give yourself the space to welcome in more self-care and
Parents reduce feelings like overwhelm and stress and let
find your sparkle again. Are you ready?
Let's do it. Hello and welcome to episode 117
of the nourishing, Amy podcast. And I do have to say a big,
welcome back because it has been a like, I think five weeks or
six weeks in between podcast episodes and I needed to have a
break for a very good reason. We have a new little baby in the
world which is very, very exciting.
And it has been an absolute whirlwind.
To give you a very very quick and very brief little life
update. For those of you that haven't
been following along over on Instagram.
Beautiful Lila opal O'Connor into the world a few weeks ago
and it's just been pretty crazy. Since then, I mean, even since
before then but unfortunately, Aaron and I contracted
rhinovirus, which is not Coronavirus.
Thank goodness, but something kind of along a similar line.
It's one of the viruses that they are now checking with the
PCR tests, and things like that. So, Aaron actually got it the
day after she was born. And then, obviously, because we
sleep in the same bed and are in the same bedroom.
I got it, two days later. And so the first two weeks of
Lila's, life was pretty rough with regards to being sick and
having a brand brand new born and toddler.
Luckily though, Lila and Ali didn't end up getting it, which
I think was just an absolute blessing and Ali is adjusting, I
think actually we're all adjusting but just this age that
Ali is at, you know, he is, I think 21 months now.
Actually, I totally losing track of months and days, but he's 21
months now. So he's nearly two.
We're definitely nearing the and I don't like to call it terrible
twos because it's just like standard development.
Behavior. But as a lot of people would
know it as terrible twos, lots of Tantrums, lots of very big
feelings, and a lot of really, really interesting and valuable
conversation happening over on my Instagram page with so many
people, you can hear laughter in background.
She's starting to wake up with lots of people sharing just
information and tips and like, just wisdom that I need because
Ali is my oldest. I've never been through the
Tantrum. He's before and the big feelings
face and I have to be honest. This is actually I'm not going
to call it a bonus episode, but this episode is definitely a
follow on from last episode. Because as much as you know, I
speak about overstimulation two episodes ago, and then reactive
behavior and exploding, and things like that.
In the most recent podcast episode, I have really, really
been experiencing this my Myself and I need to be honest multiple
times a day in the last four or five weeks since Lila has been
here. So I thought, let's do a
follow-up because I want to dive deeper into, okay.
You've exploded like it's happened and it's very normal,
but what can we actually do after that?
Like in the moment when you are exploding straight after
immediately after but also, how can we Really work to reduce
this from happening more in the moment.
So I guess, like I said a follow-on episode from the last
episode of follow on topic, but something that I've really been
having to work on myself and it's been very eye-opening, a
little upsetting, I think for Me Myself.
And I've also been noticing a lot of mum guilt coming up in a
lot of really deep conversations.
That Erin and I have had to be having around ya like my
reactive behavior and why it's getting to this point.
How it's getting to this point? How I'm letting it get to this
point. But also, what I can be
implementing, what I can be doing to help myself to try to
not get to that explosion point. So often some things that I can
do to give myself some compassion and some empathy and
some love and just be like hey you're human.
This is a lot like Parenthood motherhood and like personal
journey is a lot on any day of the week.
Let alone having a newborn and a toddler.
That's having a tantrum and yet like a newborn that needs
feeding and all of those, you know, things all the things.
So yeah, that's what I'm going to be talking about today.
It's probably going to be quick because I do need to start
feeding Lila. And I also need to get up in
about 15 minutes. I get all his breakfast and get
him to daycare, so, Hopefully, it's not going to be too long
for you. Now, as always, I do have a
recommendation for you. I have found a new podcast, one
of my beautiful, beautiful best friends recommended a podcast
episode to me, let me read the actual episode details.
So I was talking about, he a, like, how I was really
struggling and really trying to work on these reactive
behaviors, and she sent me a pisode 6.
So the podcast is called Mother unrefined it is hosted by
Jessica O'Connor and Nicholas groobie.
It's fantastic. I am loving it because it's just
real. It's just, you know, to mums,
two friends sitting and talking about the real-life side of
motherhood. The bit that really got me was
they were talking about, they were at the shops at woolies and
one of their kids was losing it and then She lost it in the
middle of the shopping center aisle and just was swearing and
yelling. And you know it all just became
a bit much and I think while I was listening to this podcast
episode about two hours beforehand, I had also had a
similar moment. I was at home, not at the
shopping center but very similar moment had lost it and just
really thought. I'm so glad this is not just me.
But also, what am I doing about this as well?
So the actual episode, The Go Into this podcast, was there,
episode number six, which is called navigating toddlerhood,
with, Mandy Richardson, and they speak with me, Andy Richardson
all about brain development, setting boundaries biting
sharing risky play screen time and also effective play spaces
and I found this episode. So interesting.
So validating with a lot of the behaviors that Ali has been
showing at the moment. Recently things like biting
things like Joining me like, how do I set boundaries with this?
How do I have conversations with him?
That he understands like this is behavior that can't continue but
also making him and helping him feel safe.
Wasn't like I was having a dream and also things like effective
play spaces, really? Really interesting topic that I
had never really thought about before and some changes that
we've made in his play space in the lounge room that has made a
huge difference, I've noticed in his butt.
Savior and his independent play in the last few days since
making those changes. So like I said, mother
unrefined, I started with episode 6 because that's the
episode. My friend had sent me that was
really interesting and really relevant for me at the time last
week, but I've been gone back and started at the very
beginning and I'm just loving it.
So that is my episode recommendation for this week and
let's jump into the actual topic at hand, okay?
Okay, I'm back. It is actually a few hours later
since I recorded that intro. Lila woke up, of course.
Ali. Woke up at exactly the same time
and I was trying to juggle giving both of them breakfast
and it was my very first morning of dropping Ali to daycare on my
own with the both of them and Ali is currently not a good time
in a car park. So I was actually feeling a
little bit anxious and I thought, you know what, I'm
going to come back to recording the podcast.
I've gone and done the grocery shopping on the way home from
dropping his daycare. So my meal planning is done, and
I'm going to be getting some meal prepping done this
afternoon and I'm currently trying to feed Lila.
She is she's got her nights in her days mixed around, I think
at the moment. So she sleeps so much during the
day and look it's amazing. I really can't complain like you
know oh poor me my baby sleeps so much but she stays awake
until about 2:30. Thirty AM then from about 9:00
10:00 p.m.? She's just wide wide awake and
won't go to sleep and gets very windy if I try and turn the
light off on. So I'm trying to play with her
awake Windows this morning. She's actually four weeks old
now. So yeah.
We'll see how that goes. She's currently asleep on my
boob so it's just really all been mum life today, but Let's
actually talk about the podcast topic that you are all here for.
Finally. Yeah.
I feel like today is just the absolute definition of mum life.
And that's what we're here for, right for these ones.
So as the name says so, you have exploded now, what?
And for me before, I recorded this one, like before I recorded
last episode, I was like, okay. So these are the different.
Like, tips and tools and all the things.
Yes, that's all. Great.
And yes we want to try and keep that in mind.
But I really found for me personally, I'll share a little
story on Saturday blue in the car on the way to swimming
lessons. And Ali was just really pushing
every button possible and I was trying so hard to keep my cool
and I was I was literally doing everything in my power and my
capacity to stay calm. Like I was trying my deep
breaths. I had closed my eyes.
I was reminding myself like I was trying to focus on my
thoughts and my physiology, which I'm going to talk about
why that's important in just a minute.
But I was trying to focus on like my thoughts and reminding
myself, like you're the adult, you have the ability to stay
calm, you know, all of those different things that we are
supposed to tell ourselves, and then I was also focusing on my
physiology at the same time as well.
So, trying to do some Brett's I was closing, my eyes.
I was trying to just be present and focus on.
Like, okay, I'm sitting in the seat, I can feel my bottom in
the seat, I can feel my legs on the seat.
I can feel my hands being together.
Those types of things to focus on being present and calm, and
grounded, and it just wasn't working.
And it was like, I was getting more frustrated, then because I
was like, Amy stay calm, like keep your shit together and I
just couldn't, and I Probably lasted about 10 minutes which I
was pretty proud of I suppose but also I want to touch on Mom
guilt in this episode too quickly and look, he just like I
said he just knows how to push all the buttons at the moment
and I think in the car like sometimes he gets a bit
frustrated and he was just so win G and whiny and iron.
And I spoke about it afterwards then on the way home and I said
I think for me it's just the constant.
Noise and exactly like two episodes ago when I spoke about
overstimulation and that overwhelmed that comes from over
stimulation. That is exactly what I was
experiencing in that moment and I said it was like my brain just
snapped and I had turned around and I said be quiet, please be
quiet Ali and I felt so bad because instantly I could see in
his face. He was like whoa.
Like I think, yeah, it's just, it's so hard in.
This is where the mom guilt. Aspect comes in, where I feel
like I should, and I know that we shouldn't use shoulds, but I
should be able to keep my shit together because I'm the parent.
And also I think there's another layer of like, well, this is
what you do for work. This is what you teach for work,
but this is the whole point of this podcast and this is the
whole point of what I do for work is that nobody literally
nobody. The face of this Earth is
perfect. Everybody is human.
And no one is going to get it, right?
All of the time. And there is going to be things
that trigger you and there is going to be things that set you
off. And so today's episode is like,
all right, let's have a look at some proactive tools and also
some reactive tools. So what I mean by that is
proactive is like, before you get to that 10 out of 10 point
and you might notice that like, okay, I'm starting to get a
little bit triggered here, that's our proactive tools but
Are reactive tools is like, all right, I've just I've just lost
my shit. I've just yelled at my child or,
you know, whatever the case, maybe you've just lost it and
clicked, then we look at. All right.
What does repair look like here for me?
But also for the other people around me if there's other
people around me as well. So first of all, what I want to
do is focus on those reactive tools, probably because for me,
that's been the more prevalent aspect over the last four weeks.
I think obviously being overly hormonal having a newborn like
going through labor and birth and all the hormonal changes
with my milk coming in and stuff like that and then yeah, just
struggling. Like trying to navigate another
identity shift into other mother of two as a family of four
navigating Ali's big emotions and Tantrums and things like
that that we haven't done before.
So I'm feeling a little lost with that.
So the reactive behavior is quite What's the word I'm trying
to look for quite common? That's the word quite common for
me at the moment. Probably.
I would say at least once a day, sometimes more.
So what we want to do, very first of all, when we're looking
at the reactive tools of like, all right, I've just exploded.
Where do I go from here? First of all, we want to
acknowledge the explosion or the reactive Behavior internally,
So, within yourself first. So, just noticing, okay, I just
lost Shit whatever that looked like maybe yelled at someone.
Maybe you snapped at somebody maybe I don't know.
Like whatever it is think about it time recently or in the past
where you feel like you've just lost it and you've just clicked.
We want to acknowledge that first.
This is the very very first step.
You can't change something if you're not aware of it.
So just recognizing and a lot of the time you will recognize it
and like I was noticing for myself a lot of the time, then
Mom guilt will come up. I'll be like I feel really bad,
you know, like I said, I'm the adult.
I should be able to keep my shit together.
More often, I shouldn't be acting like that behaving, like
that those types of thoughts. So we're acknowledging.
Okay. That just happened.
Next thing is implementing something to help you to calm
down or reset. Now, again, this is going to be
individual for everyone and I know I say that in nearly every
episode but it's true. What works for someone for one
person to calm themselves and bring themselves back to center
a little bit. Act like that base level is
going to be totally different for somebody else but some
different ideas could be things like doing some deep breaths.
Like even just okay I'm just going to do five deep breaths
and just resend to myself, maybe you feel like you would like to
have a cry. Maybe it looks like popping on a
three minute meditation. If you've got inside timer or
head space or an app like that on your phone, maybe you pop
your headphones in for a few minutes.
Some people, I know just the act of putting their headphones in
not even having anything on is Coming for them.
So it could just be an action that helps you to feel calm.
Maybe if you're at home or you're somewhere, you could go
and sit outside in the quiet just for like, two minutes or
maybe. And I spoke about this on my
Instagram page. The other day, you could do a
little bit of Rage cleaning. If you're at home, I spoke about
rage cleaning the other day because Ali was having a bit of
a morning. There was a lot of big feelings,
and emotions and I didn't lose it, but I was very close and I
knew it was getting super close to his nap time.
So we were doing certain things like that and then I popped him
down for his nap and I thought, okay, I need to re-regulate
myself and I just vacuumed and mopped the whole house and I
felt So Satisfied afterwards and I was actually talking about the
reasons why rage cleaning or just cleaning in general, can be
really satisfying and can feel really good for some people if
that's your thing to help you to calm down because a lot of the
time when we're feeling overwhelmed or over stimulated
or even Anxious. There's a lot of things that are
generally outside of our control and that is leading to the
overstimulation or the overwhelm.
And so when we look at then cleaning or rage cleaning at
some people call it, it's like it gives you something to focus
on that is within your control and it's something that you are
looking at. And it also touches on the
aspect of accomplishment and achievement within positive
psychology of like, okay, I'm going to vacuum the floor.
I can see that there's you know, And bits of food or whatever it
is on the floor and you're actively working on doing
something about that, you're accomplishing, and you are
achieving. So there's a whole heap of other
reasons, why cleaning can feel really satisfying, and can be
quite calming. Another thing.
Another reason is that it can be a flow state.
So a flow state is, like, you could notice that you are not
doing things like reaching for your phone or wanting to check
your messages, or your notifications or scroll social
media when you're vacuuming or mopping, the floor or cleaning
the Bathroom or whatever. Because when you're in your Flow
State, your brain is just really present with that one activity.
So Flow, State activities can be things for some people like yoga
or Pilates, it might be painting for a lot of my clients.
They love gardening and getting outside in nature and doing some
gardening maybe for other people, it might be going for a
walk, doing the house cleaning, writing up the meal prepping
list, like whatever it is, the flow activities where your you
realize. Oh ten minutes is just gone past
and I didn't even realize. I don't even feel like I need
time, has passed at all. So something that could be your
Flow State. So we're implementing something
to help to calm you down and reset what you are going to do
after that is then ask yourself because you'll be more able to
think clearly. So I think I've spoken about
this on the podcast podcast before him, I'm nearly 100%
sure. I have it might have even been
in the last episode but to be honest it was so long ago now I
can't really remember. What we want to do is think
about a scale of one to ten one being.
I'm super chill and Carmen just normal 10.
Being I'm feeling a big feeling the absolute most, I could be
feeling it and I'm about to explode.
So on a scale of 1 to 10, if you are at a 7 out of 10 or more,
you are not going to be able to think logically.
And clearly, it's just not possible if you are a seven and
eight or nine or 10 out of 10 in a really big feeling like rage,
like anger like frustration, like Resentment like
disappointment like feeling anxious.
All of those really big feelings if you're at 9 or a 10 out of
10, you're not going to be able to think logically.
And if I was to say to you in that moment, if you were say,
one of my clients or would come to me for some help and you were
a 10/10 and I said to you, well, you know, are you trying to
control things that are outside of your control at the moment?
What can you control things like that?
There's no logical thinking that.
Like I said, for me, when I was in the car on the weekend, on
the way, Swimming. I was already at past that seven
out of ten point, and so, that's the perfect example of logical
thinking going straight out the window, where?
Okay, I'm doing all of the in inverted commas things, I should
be doing, like, trying to focus on my thoughts, trying to focus
on my physiology and my body language and calm myself down.
But because I was a 7 out of 10 or more realistically, I was
like an 8 or a 9 out of 10 already.
The Logical thinking is going out the window and you, my brain
was just like I don't care. This is not working.
I am so over stimulated right now.
This is too much, so the reason that we're not going to be able
to I'm sorry. The reason that we want to be
able to bring in something small to help to calm you down and
reset is because when you've been at that explosion point,
you've got to that 10/10 their reactive behaviors come in.
You've yelled at somebody. Something's Happened the
reactive behaviors their Daddy's going to lessen the Feeling but
it's not going to make it go away altogether.
So you might still be at like a 7 out of 10.
So it's lessened and it's gone down a little, but not fully
then by implementing something to help to calm me down, taking
a few deep breaths, having a cry, whatever it is, that is
going to help to bring that level down even more.
So, maybe we're at a four, or five out of ten, maybe the
feeling still there a little bit or maybe it's even gone down
more, maybe your two or three, then we can bring in The Logical
brain in the logical thinking to ask yourself.
If what happened there. Why did I just explode?
What was happening for me? There and you can get clear on
that for two reasons. The first one is for yourself so
that you can create awareness, which reduces future reactive
Behavior. But the second reason is that
you are doing this for other people as well, so that you can
really clearly communicate what was happening for you in that
moment. And also, you can apologize or
explain. Breasts, what you feel?
What you need whatever's happening there.
So the question. Why did I just explode?
What was happening for me? We're getting some clarity there
so that you can start to recognize because what all of
these steps are going to do is it's going to mean that it's not
going to stop your reactive behavior, all together forever.
But it does mean that the likelihood of you catching it
out and reducing the amount of times that this happens that
maybe Like for example, I said for me it's at least once a day
at the moment. If not more, I am going to be
actively working on this along with you guys because I want to
and I need to and I might notice that hey I might have gone two
days in between having a real reactive Behavior moment and
that's going to be a really big win for me.
It doesn't mean it's not going to happen at all, but the aim
here is that it can happen less frequently or that when it does
happen. We can notice it and work
through it a lot quicker. The same with any of our other
really big emotions. So like I said, the two reasons
for yourself so that we're again, creating that awareness
reducing it happening. So often the second one for
other people is because you can start to really communicate,
whether it's to your partner, to your friends, to your family
members, whatever you can communicate to them, what was
happening for you in that moment.
Maybe you feel like you would like to Apologize.
Maybe you feel like you'd like to express how you are feeling
and talk with them about it. Maybe there's a need that you
notice wasn't being met there for you and then what happens is
you can the next step is acknowledging, your reactive
Behavior externally. So apart from that
communication, what we're also doing is acknowledging the
reactive Behavior, not just like oh you know, this is what
happened, what was happening for me there and why?
But it's acknowledging the actual behavior and this
Especially important for children because it helps them
to be able to give them some language and words and
understanding around that. What we want to do is create a
world. For them that they see the whole
spectrum of emotions, the whole spectrum of different behaviors
and reactions, even when they're not ideal.
Now, of course, like there's obviously extreme behaviors and
reactions that we definitely don't want to be leading into,
but we want to be able to show them that.
That I'm human and this is normal for me to lose it
sometimes. But this is why this is what was
happening for me. And this is what I'm going to be
doing to be able to repair that. And this is what I'm doing to
work on that. And for them to be able to view
that and actually see that playing out is really, really
important for them growing up that they can start to use
conflict resolution for themselves individually.
And also with other people in relationships that they have as
well during their lifetime. So We are acknowledging, the
reactive Behavior externally to whoever it is.
That was around, so it might be children, maybe it's your
partner, your friends, your family, explain, what happened,
explain, how you are feeling, explain, why you are feeling
that way and then apologize if necessary.
So there's a few steps there and hopefully they all make sense to
you. Like I said, these are really
the reactive tools. So this comes back to exactly
what the podcast episode is called.
Okay, this Has happened. I've lost my shit.
Now, what do I do? All of these steps is what you
do. Then once you've done all of
that, we start to move into the proactive side of things.
So once you start to notice things in the moment and
reactively, they will gradually start to become more proactive.
You will start to notice things, more and more, you will start to
recognize all I'm like a 5 out of 10 in a big feeling here.
I'm feeling really over stimulated.
I'm feeling really frustrated. I'm Really overwhelmed.
I'm out of 5. What can I do to push?
Pause on this. What could I do for myself?
So I don't get to attend. You can start to notice your
thoughts or your physiology patterns before you get to that
explosion point in that 10 out of 10.
So this is another proactive thing that you can start to do.
And another thing that you can do is give yourself some tools
for when you notice you're getting to a five or a six.
So when we're really starting to amp it up a little more, really
know Noticing. Okay, what works for me in those
moments, is it doing some deep breaths?
Do I do some deep breaths together with the kids or with
somebody else that's around me to help me.
Am I vocalizing? And just telling somebody how
I'm feeling? Do I put some music on last
week? I had a tick tock video that I
posted that quite a few people liked that.
I was kind of probably at like a six or a seven out of ten.
So I was getting up there. I noticed it, I noticed Ali was
feeling a bit. A bit overwhelmed and over
stimulated. As well.
So I put some music on and we had a dance and we shifted our
energy around and within a few minutes, we were both a lot,
calmer a lot more grounded, a lot more scented.
And we were able to get on with the rest of our afternoon, maybe
for you. It might be having some time in
another room or outside now. I know I've spoken about, Anna,
the anxiety coach before a few episodes ago, she was my podcast
recommendation. But if you're feeling stuck for
different tools that you can give yourself when you're
noticing that, the feelings are feeling quite big.
You go and have a look at Anna, the anxiety, coaches Instagram
page. She has so many really quick
videos and reels. She's got so many informative
posts and there's so many different ideas on her page for
you that you could get one or two different ideas and think
about all, I'm going to give that a go.
I know when I saw this morning was sitting down doing some deep
breathing but also including some muscle tension and release
in that deep breathing as well. So really tensing up all of your
Those feeling that physiology shift and then letting it go and
releasing that can be something that helps to really shift your
energy around as well. So different ideas that maybe
you, haven't thought of before that, you can give a go.
So, these are all of my different tips.
Obviously, a lot more with our reactive tools because this is
something that's more relevant for me, personally, at the
moment. But also something that I've
been getting so many responses from and replies from over on my
Instagram. When I've been talking about
this a lot recently, too. So I've been doing a few
question boxes. I've been doing a few poles and
honestly, we're looking at like 98% of responses for these
questions that I'm asking when I'm talking about things like
wrote reactive behavior and feeling over stimulated and
frustrated and things like that with just like Parenthood and
motherhood and life in general, sometimes is that 98% of people
are also feeling these things and noticing these things coming
up for them as well. So please no, this is normal.
You Are Not Alone. There is things that we can be
doing together and working on these things together to be able
to hopefully reduce the severity or the opportunity of these
things. Coming up as often.
Now, I'm going to leave this with you here.
Little Lila has fallen asleep again.
So I'm going to go and wake her up and try and remind her that
it is currently daytime. And it's time to party.
Now not at 1 a.m. and I will see you guys in our next episode.
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I get such a big smile on my face.
Thank you so much for hanging out with me today and I hope
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