Welcome to the nourishing. Amy podcast.
I'm Amy Rankin. I am an emotional intelligence
and life coach as Speaker, a Creator, and a wellness.
Chaser, I have created this podcast for you to learn how
'but mindset changes and get really actionable.
Takeaways to find out who you are, what lights you up, how you
can love yourself again and how to live your best life.
Give yourself the space to welcome in more self-care and
confidence. Reduce feelings like overwhelm
and stress and let find your sparkle again.
Are you ready? Let's do it.
Hello and welcome to episode 109 of the nourishing.
Amy podcast, I'm going to be talking to you today about how
to stop worrying about what other people think and how it
worrying about what other people think of you more specifically.
It's a really, really common topic like it's a topic that
comes up so often with all of my clients it's definitely
something that I also know that I experienced personally.
So this is also Another one of the workshops that I ran with bu
happiness college. So, if you listened to the last
podcast episode on procrastination, and how to stop
procrastinating, you wouldn't know that I run these workshops
once a month and there with all of our one-on-one coaching
clients so they also get a group coaching session as well.
These have been my to absolute favorite workshops to run in the
last few months and I just feel like the information nation that
I found on these when I was researching and studying, these
topics was just too good for me, not to share it with you.
And I know that I had so many aha moments for both of these
topics for procrastination from last week.
But also about this one, because I think that, especially with
things like social media and, you know, comparison really
being so prevalent and social media being such a big part of
our lives these days. I think that that can also
sometimes come hand-in-hand with this idea of like, worrying
about what other people think of us, just what other people are
thinking in general. And I know that that sense of
worry can really lead to things like, you know, social anxiety,
feeling, anxious, within yourself, overthinking, all of
that kind of stuff. So, this is all of the stuff
that I'm going to be talking with you guys about today, and
I'm really pumped. Now, my recommendation for you
for this week is a Book if you like reading, there is a book
highlight over on my Instagram, because I started talking about
a few books that I had read and gave a few little personal
perspectives are opinions on some of them and I had quite a
few messages afterwards. A few days later saying, where
did your book highlights go? I want to have a look and I want
to create my own list. So I saved it as a highlight for
you guys. There is a whole bunch of books
that I have read and Also, big list of books that I really want
to read. So I'm in a few Facebook groups,
book club, Facebook groups, and I kind of go through and have a
look at all of the different posts in there and create my own
little lists of books that I would like to read that have
been recommended by people that also in those Facebook groups,
like the same kind of, like, genre or type of book that I
like, as well. So, there's a whole big huge
list over on my page. I I think I may have already
also recommended Goodreads a few episodes ago, but if I haven't,
you know what I'm going to do? Which I thought was such a good
idea. This is such a tangent, but here
we are. I was listening to an episode of
the Shameless podcast. I think it was just after
Christmas and you guys would know.
I love Shameless, the Shameless girls on the Shameless podcast,
very pop culture podcast, but they were talking about one of
their listeners who I think she might have gotten a little bit
sick or she had Some time off work.
And she actually went through and listened to every single one
of their podcast episodes and documented all of their
recommendations that they had ever made throughout the whole
history of the podcast and she also categorized it.
And there's a spreadsheet and I thought that's actually such a
good idea because some weeks I can't even remember what I've
recommended and what I haven't. So I think I may have
potentially already recommended good read.
As before, but it is an app and a website that you can create
your own account. And you can read like,
literally, like if you type in any book, you will be able to
find it and read like thousands and thousands of reviews on
books. They have star ratings, you can
create your own shelves. So you've got your books that
you want to read books that you have read.
You can set yourself a challenge.
So, say, you want to read 20 books this year, you can set
yourself that challenge and it will give you an update and all
that kind of stuff. It's really Really good.
So loving my Goodreads up at the moment and it also gives me
suggestions when I finish a book it'll pop up and say here's some
other books that are similar to this.
But anyway that's a very, very long tangent.
Way of telling you that my recommendation for you, this
week is a book by Nicholas Sparks and it's called The Wish.
Now I'm a little, I don't want to say embarrassed but surprised
that I have never read a nickel. A Sparks book before I think,
because I know, of course, that he wrote The Notebook, and I
think like, Dear John, there's so so so many books that he's
read. I think I was reading yesterday.
He's been an author for over 25 years now and he has had 11 of
his books made into films, which is crazy, like, what an
achievement. But I know that his films are
quite emotional and sometimes when I'm reading a book, I just
want it to be. Super fluffy and light hearted
like a little bit Carefree or a little bit, silly books, like,
say the flatshare and stuff like that.
But I had seen one of my friends recommend this over, on her
Instagram, a few months ago and I thought, you know what?
I'm just going to give it a go. She said it was a really great
book. It was so good.
I really was hooked. And it really has helped me to
incorporate reading regularly into my evening routine and
really helped me to get off my phone, which I have been
absolutely loving. So I've been making myself a
robust vanilla cup of Of T of an evening and laying down in bed
with my book. And having, two rows of my
chocolate, my favorite chocolate at the moment, is the clinkers
block by Cadbury another recommendation.
If you haven't tried that, and you like clinkers or dairy, milk
chocolate, you have to try the clinkers Block.
It's so good. So I have two rows of that and
my robust vanilla tea and I've been reading this book and it
was so good. It like had a few twists and
turns at the end that I was not expecting.
I cried. Five times a little bit of a
trigger warning. It does discuss the Journey of
like their main character, she has cancer.
So it does discuss the Journey of somebody going through
cancer, but it's just, it was such a good book and when I
finished it. So I yeah, I did.
I just say, I cried 5 times, I don't know.
I can't even remember what I've said now.
But I was reading it yesterday and finishing it.
I was in the last chapter and I was out the back and I was
bawling my eyes out on out. Outdoor lounge.
And I came inside to get a tissue and I was like, oh my
God, are you okay? And I was like, oh my God, is
this book? It's just like really got me and
he was like, oh my God. So I don't know if it's because
I'm hormonal and pregnant or because it was a very emotional
book, but I think Danny did also mention that she had a few tears
during the book as well. So it was just so good at
really, really got me roped in and I got so attached to the
characters, it was, it was really good.
So there's a few different recommendations for you shall
Shameless podcast Goodreads The Wish by Nicholas Sparks.
I'm going to go and have a look at a few of his other books as
well. I think like, I really enjoyed
that style and I think it would be nice to mix it up in between
those light-hearted books like the flatshare and the road trip
and things like that. And mix it up a little bit and
add maybe one or two of his books in here and there as well.
So on to find my next book. Now I'll keep you updated with
what I find, but let's actually jump into The topic at hand for
today. Now I was just having a look at
the workbook that I created for this because every Workshop that
we do, we also create a workbook that our clients can download
and save and make notes in and all of that kind of stuff.
And yeah, I was like, oh my gosh like I can't share all of this
information because I need to leave some not to the
imagination but I need to leave you guys wanting more.
So you want to come and do coaching sessions with me,
right? So yeah.
Yeah, I was like, oh my gosh, that's also relevant though.
What do I leave out? But there's a few things that I
will leave out for you to keep you hanging so that you can get
a taste test and really dip your toe into what it would be like
to be on one of our Workshop calls.
Of course, these are normally live by assume every week, and
they're also all saved in our clients.
They have their members Hub and they're all saved, and they go
and they can re-watch these at any time as well, if they're not
available live. So without further, Redo, as you
would know, from last week's episode, I include a quote at
the start of every workshop, and I am so obsessed with this
quote, so, so obsessed with it. I think it really differentiated
the difference between caring about what other people think,
and then also valuing what other people think.
And I was like, whoa, this is like a bit of a mind-blowing
moment for me. I've never really thought about
it. Like this before.
So the quote is, there is a difference between caring about
what others think and worrying about it.
Whether you care, what other people think you respect and
value, sorry. When you care about what other
people think, you respect and value their opinion.
When you worry about it you depend on their validation for
your worth. So keep caring, keep treating.
People like they matter just know that you matter to whether
they can Confirm it or not. Like I actually have Goosebumps
again rereading that because I'm just like, it really creates
that difference and that differentiation and the part
that I really liked was that section there where it says,
when you care about what other people think you respect and
value their opinion. When you worry about it, you
depend on their validation for your worth.
And for me it was like, oh wow, I can actually see examples of
times when yes, I've cared about what other people.
People think but it's because I respect their opinions.
I value their opinions and their perspectives.
And I want to take that on board as like, a constructive
conversation or a constructive perspective.
Whereas, when you're worrying about it, it's really depending
on validation for your worth. And again, I think that really
touches on that idea of like social media and comparison
these days and all of that kind of stuff.
And then that last part is really beautiful.
So, keep caring. Treat.
Keep treating people like Matter just know that you matter to
whether they confirm it or not like that last bit.
I feel like it's just the best mic drop moment.
Okay, so let's just kind of let that sit for a minute and think
about what that quote means to you.
And when you find, you can catch yourself out.
Not feeling like you matter as much maybe feeling like you're
not enough. I know.
That's a very common limiting belief that we can carry around
with us and also just that second part there, whether they
confirm it or not. So whether you're looking for
that validation from other, Our people and looking for that
confirmation, that maybe a perspective that you have is,
right? Or your opinion is correct or
that you look good that your outfit is nice or you know that
your opinions perspectives are discussions conversations,
whether you are only placing value in them if that is
confirmed by other people. Or if you can create really
start to move towards creating that sense of identity for
yourself of like, I am also important.
And what I think and feel and my opinions and perspectives and
and my self-worth and my value that I place in myself is also
just as important, whether that is confirmed by anybody else or
not, it's a really cool concept when we really start to think
about it. Because, how nice would it be to
know within yourself, to really fully wholeheartedly embody, and
believe that you do matter and everything about you matters,
you are worthy. You are important, your
opinions, your perspectives are important, whether it's
confirmed by anybody else. I'm not like that is so free.
So to start off with what I actually ran my clients through
was some patterns that can be learned or modeled in childhood.
I feel like this is actually like, if I was going to do a
really big deep dive into this, I would do it, like, a whole
another podcast episode on it. And, you know, I actually might
because Is how many 1 2 3 4 5 different patterns that I have
kind of described in this? And the reason that I went
through these five patterns and why it's important to think
about, okay, like what has been modeled to me in childhood by
somebody important. Somebody influential back when I
was younger so you probably would have heard me talking
about those really influential years of creating our sense of
self, our value, our identity, Or who we are as a person,
really happens that first five to fifteen years of our life.
And so, when you think about that five to 15 age group for
yourself, think about activities that you enjoyed foods that you
liked places that you like to go friends, that you had all of
that kind of stuff. It's probably quite Vivid
memories for you and you may find that you still even have
things to this day. Maybe like your favorite color,
your favorite food, All that really bring back memories from
back then that feel very Vivid for you.
These are all part of those really formative ages that
helped to create your sense of self and who you feel that you
are. Now, the important part about
this is knowing that the influential people that we have
in our lives at those moments in time over those years, whether
that is a parental figure a mother or a father, whether
it's, you know, grandparents, whether it's a teacher at, Cool.
It doesn't have to only be parents and some people don't
have a great relationship with their parents.
Some people don't get along with their parents at all.
Some people don't even know their parents.
So that's the reason why, when I word this, I say influential
people between those ages of 5 and 15 years old, because really
anybody that we viewers. Influential in those age groups,
we can learn patterns of behavior and of thinking and
language patterns and it might Even turn into negative belief
negative, self-talk those types of things as it continues to
grow and develop within you as a person as a human as you come
out of those identity ages as well.
So yeah. Look as I'm talking I'm like,
wow, this really needs to be a whole podcast episode on itself.
So I will do that in the next podcast episode for you guys and
just dive a bit deeper into How these patterns and the behaviors
that are modeled to us in childhood shape you as a person,
when you are, obviously now an adult listening to this podcast
episode. So let me run you through these
five quickly, I'll give you some definitions and some examples.
So, we have the first pattern that can be learned or modeled
in childhood is the helper. So if this Behavior was modeled
to you by somebody and influential person in your life,
as you Were growing up. This would be seen as somebody
that is very selfless, very caring, really ready to lend a
hand whenever it's needed and to actively improve the lives of
others. So the helper they like to give
they like to help and they like to empathize with others which
can also lead to high achieving self-sacrificing and also
feeling help. Sorry also feeling hurt if help
or giving behaviors aren't Ted as well.
So, I've tried to also include in here, like the strengths of
these patterns that we can learn, and that we can kind of
evolved into ourselves, but also what some of the limitations
might be because sometimes it might be more that you recognize
the limitations that you like, oh yeah.
I seen that coming up for me here as well.
So that is our helper pattern. Now, the next one that we can
learn is our empath. So the empath these people are
highly attuned to others mood and feelings.
Our a thrives in harmonious situations.
Observe absorbing the good feelings but also noticing when
tension is high or bad, feelings are present and absorbs that
too. So this can lead to burnout as a
flow-on effect from not being able to separate their own
emotions from others. So, thinking about those first
two, the helper and the empath. Really, considering do I notice
any of those Traits Within Myself.
Is that anything that I say coming up for me or if I think
about some of those influential people in my life, do I notice
that behavior within them and is that something that maybe I'm
starting to realize now I have also taken on board myself and
has it has been grown and evolved with me as a human and
now into my adult years on. What does this look like for me?
So the next pattern that I want to run you through is
people-pleasing. So this pattern looks like the
want and need to please. Others often due to fear of
rejection. So it's the want to be liked or
to prove that you are good enough.
This will commonly be seen as the yes person.
So those people that find it hard to say.
No, they will also value. Praise from others.
They might say, sorry when there's really no apology
required. And they also push aside, their
own needs to accommodate everybody else.
So again, similar to the Empath. Our people places these can lead
to burnout and resentment to people or situations due to not
being able to prioritize themselves often.
So because our people pleases are yes, people, sometimes they
may notice that. They push their own boundaries
by saying, yes, to everybody else and everything else.
And that can really bring into account resentment and burnout
because you haven't been able to take time to recognize that.
Maybe there's been a few Too many yeses out words of yourself
and not enough yeses for yourself or not enough boundary
setting to give you some time to prioritize feeling up your own
cup as well. I'm trying to remember, I think
I did an episode on resentment. Let me just have a quick look
because if I didn't, it's coming up, but let me just have a quick
look. And make sure that I have
released that. Before I tell you that I've
done. One resentment is such a cool
topic. I love the topic of It because
like I just said, we really touch on things like boundaries
like what are my boundaries? Yeah.
What are my boundaries? Am I sticking to my boundaries?
If I do feel resentment coming up with a specific person or
circumstance or event? Like why is this resentment
coming up? What are my boundaries and have
I been pushing them? Let me just have a look.
I've done a Monday motivation episode on boundaries are here
we go. So episode 99.
Is Monday motivation on boundaries and that was a really
beautiful quick. Little 14 minute episode where I
pulled a oracle card and we had a little bit of a chat about
what came through with that oracle card there as well with
those boundaries but specifically episode 97 is a
therapy Thursday episode and it is on resentment.
What is it and how to Let It Go? So, if you notice really any of
these, the help are the empath people-pleasing.
If you notice any of those three coming up for you episode, 97
would be a really, really good. One to go back and listen to,
because you can learn what resentment is, where it comes
from, and how to work through it and how to, actually let some of
that resentment go. And when you're you feel like
you can let resentment go, then it really leaves space for some
beautiful connection with your relationships in your lives, as
well, which is really cool. I feel like stumbling over my
words a little bit today, but that's alright, we're going to
roll with it and we are going to continue.
So I've got two more patterns that we are going to look at.
Now, this one is a bit of a general one.
It is in general, your beliefs. So often beliefs are thinking
patterns, opinions and values that have been passed down from
influential people in childhood that then grow and develop as
you grow and develop. So this can lead to limiting
beliefs and negative self-talk a societal perspective.
Perspectives are opinions that aren't actually your own.
So if you think about those influential people in your life
when you were growing up, what are some perspectives of maybe
certain groups in society? The way that maybe certain
groups of people live or their Lifestyles that they choose and
those types of things. Is there any certain
perspectives or opinions or like throwaway comments that they may
have made? A few times.
That potentially you have taken on board.
I know I've spoken about beliefs before in a few podcast episodes
on the cool thing with beliefs is when we really start to dive
in and question, okay, where does this belief come from?
And I'm trying to think of an example, that's like a bit of a
light-hearted example because some of them are a little bit
heavy and dark the belief that All men are bad.
Let's use that example. So that could be from, let's
just say that you're I'm really just going to like Dive In The
Deep End here and give a really hypothetical example.
But let's say that you had a very close relationship with
your mum and your grandmother growing up again, this is super
hypothetical. So like this is not obviously
going to be relevant necessarily but it's just using the
examples. So you understand our beliefs
can be passed down to us. So let's say you had a super
close relationship with your mom and your grandmother growing up
and your mom and your dad got divorced, maybe while you were
young in those ages of five and 15 and potentially, it was not
the best of breakups. There was maybe some animosity
or some negativity that your mom or your grandma was holding onto
and over time and it doesn't have to be super regularly.
But Overtime, you overheard different conversations or few
throwaway comments that, you know, all men are bad or like
it's, you know, so hard being married and that men don't pull
their weight around the household and all of that type
of stuff. We're really looking at these
big generalizations that people can make that.
I mean, you will know from listening to the generalization
podcast episode. We all generalize we need to to
get through life, but But when we are hearing these big
sweeping statements or these perspectives and opinions that
are being made by these influential people in our lives,
that can also trickle down to you and that can impact your
perspectives and opinions. The way that you think and feel
about certain groups of people. Whether that's minorities
whether it's big groups of people and big generalizations.
So you could then in this example that I'm giving be led
to believe that. All men are dick heads for an
example or that men don't help out around the house, that type
of thing. So, what we want to be thinking
about is what are the beliefs, the thinking patterns, the
opinions, the values that have been passed down to me, when I
was younger. And they don't have to be - they
don't have to be like, leaning towards that more limiting side
of beliefs. But it's really interesting when
we start to look into this and realize that, oh, some of these
things, Is that I think or some of these things that I hold to
believe is true at. That's not even actually my
belief, that's somebody else's. Somebody else has told me this
or I've overheard this a few times as I've been growing up
and I realize now that I've taken that on board as my own
when it's actually not, that's not what I think at all.
That's what somebody else thinks.
And then the cool part is being able to reassess and think,
okay, well, what do I actually believe here?
So anyway, That is how our beliefs are.
Like I said, I should have just kept this as one podcast episode
within itself because there's so much other information to dive
into with all of this. But I will do that in the next
episode for you guys. Now, the next one that I have is
seeking approval, so people that have learned this pattern or /
had this pattern modeled to them in childhood, this seeking
approval approval is the desire to seek approval of validation
from others, which Comes from the basic human psychological
need of connection. So this can mean seeking
approval of your own thoughts of your feelings, your beliefs,
your choices, your values, your actions and that can lead to a
varying sense of self due to lack of self-awareness because
when you are constantly seeking approval from Outlets of
yourself and you're looking for that sense of validation outside
of you, you start to kind of chip away at your sense of Self
worth and that sense of like just that General sense of self
within you of like, yes. This is what I think and that's
okay. And this is what I feel and
that's okay. And like this is me.
This is who I am. So a lot of people that have
been through a big identity shift, whether that's during
motherhood, whether it's during a career change, maybe you've
moved house or moved countries. Maybe you've changed friendship
groups. This seeking approval.
Pattern or behavior can really start to be quite apparent.
When we look at an identity shift that we go through and it
can really start to show itself when we are doing that.
And we need to look at. Okay, where does this actually
come from? Is this a pattern from my
childhood that I've learnt from somebody else?
So out of those five patterns that can be learned and modeled
in childhood really thinking about okay, is there any of them
that really come up for me that have been I did that.
I realized. Oh, I did say this person in my
life, you know, running through these patterns or behaviors and
that is potentially. Also something I've taken on
board for myself as well. That's something that I've
learned that has then evolved into a version of me as well.
And, you know, it's like I said, not that anything is ever.
All right, or all wrong, it's just thinking about.
Okay, what are the strengths for this?
And then also what are the Nations.
Now, in the workshop, I also run through some of the common
cognitive distortions which you guys would know, is also a fancy
way of saying thinking patterns, but I'm not going to dive into
them because I've already been talking for 28 minutes and I'm
very wary of time for you guys. So there is a few other common
cognitive distortions or thinking patterns that can also
really feed into this sense of like worrying about what other
people think I've run. Through a few of them in
previous episodes in the mindset series that I did last year as
well. So all of those are common,
cognitive distortions, and thinking patterns are all there
in the mindset series for you if you want to go and learn more
about them. Now, I want to have a look at
the strengths and limitations of caring about what others think
some of the strengths is that you have the ability to be
kinder to others. Because you can really empathize
with them, you can show compassion Passion to other
people. It also means that you can be
more sensitive to other people's emotions.
So again, we have that compassion in that empathy that
can come through there, we have a ability to help and maintain
close relationships. And it also means that it can
prevent rash decisions because sometimes it might mean that you
may be overthinking a little bit or that you start to worry.
But that can mean that instead of kind of jumping the gun, Or
just you know going for it so to speak with certain decisions,
you can kind of way up a few different options that can help
you to feel like you've made a really informed decision.
So there's some really really beautiful strength of caring
what others think? I know I spoke about that
psychological need of connection that we have as humans and
you'll see that you know, those first three that I ran you
through being kinder to others being more sensitive to other
people's emotions, Having that compassion in that empathy and
maintaining close relationships. They're really, really closely
connected to, that human psychological needs.
So really easy to start to understand why we worry about
what other people think and what the strengths of caring about
what other people think is, but what we also want to have a look
at is okay, I can recognize those strengths and I want to
lean into them but what are some of the limitations as well?
So limitations, we're looking It is that us apart from like, I
just said preventing rash decisions the limitations mean,
from that you can or it could also stop you from doing things.
So, I did quickly mention just then over thinking or worrying.
So, if you are preventing yourself from making rash
decisions, you could also be really leaning into that aspect,
you could be really leaning into the overthinking, the wari and
feeling anxious about something and stopping yourself from doing
it all together. Which can be quite limiting.
So, what we want to do, when we look at that one, is really find
a nice meet in the middle ground or sense of balance, for this
of, like, okay, I want to feel like I'm making informed
decisions and like I am, you know, feeling empowered with the
decisions that I'm making. But I'm also not leaning so far
into that, that I'm stopping myself, and I'm procrastinating.
And letting my emotions or my feelings, all my excuses.
Get in the way of doing things, that feel really important to
me. So, That's our first limitation,
the second limitation again. Like I just mentioned that a
caring about what other people think really can cause worry
stress and overthinking. So, of course, there are three
very big feelings. We've, we're worrying.
We feel stressed, we're overthinking which can lead to
feeling anxious. They're very big feelings and
this their feelings that we don't want to be feeling super
regularly, right? Like as we know yes, we have a
whole spectrum of emotions Raisin.
Yes, all of our feelings, are there to help to teach us
something to shine a light on something to help us to learn to
grow and all of those things that are very important.
But when we are feeling them, too often, that's when we really
start to notice, like this doesn't actually feel good for
me here. Now, the next limitation that I
have is a loss of self-confidence.
Now, this is also combined with my next limitation that I want
to touch on as well, which is a loss of your sense of self and
identity. So these two are definitely
different from each other, but also quite similar in the way
that we're looking at when you have a loss of sense of self and
your identity, He of like, okay, who am I, what do I enjoy?
What do I like like? What are the who am I as a
person when you take away all of the labels like, you know, this
is what I do for work. This is my career.
Maybe you're a parent, are you a sister?
Are you a daughter? A son, a father, a brother, a
cousin, like all of those types of things, all of the labels
that you have for yourself, all of the hats that you wear if you
take them away and think about well, who Am I like at the core
of me? That is your sense of self that
is your identity. And when you care so much about
what other people think, you can place so much importance in
other people's perspectives and opinions and views or what other
people are doing with their lives that you start to lose
that sense of self and identity, because you start to create your
life for the people around you, or for the people that you are.
You know viewing or comparing. I'm kind of just thinking like
not necessarily even for those people.
But like you can start to create a lifestyle that you see, for
example, maybe on social media that you're like oh this person
has this house or this piece of furniture in the house or
whatever and then you're like well I want that lounge or I
want that I don't know bunch of flowers or print that they have
on the wall or whatever when it's like okay but why do you
like that thing? Do you actually like it or do
you just like it because that person has And that's their
thing or their perspective or something that they value, we
can start to place so much value in what other people have or
what other people are doing with their lives that we kind of lose
that sense of self of like well this is what I like and this is
why I like it and why I want to do it which then leads on, to
that loss of self-confidence. Because you don't have that
strong sense of identity and sense of self within you, which
self really does refer to. To, you know, self confidence,
self, love, self worth, all of that kind of stuff, anything
starting with self is your sense of self.
And when you start to lose that, it's like, well, I feel a little
bit unsure. So again, these can come from
Big Life Changes. Like I was just mentioning like
shifting into motherhood and feeling that life change in that
identity shift, their changing your jobs.
Changing your career path. Moving house, moving country.
Changing friendship groups. We could also be looking at a
relationship breakdown. There's so many different ways
that we can experience change in our life which then brings in a
sense of like a shift in identity of like, okay.
Well, who am I say? For example, if we're looking at
a relationship breakdown who am I without that person?
Or who am I now that I have had a career change or moved house?
Or now that I'm a mom or now that I'm a parent goes to Types
of things. And so really, your identity is
something that needs to be paid attention to and worked on as an
ongoing process throughout your whole entire life.
Because if you think about the person that you were five years
ago compared to the person that you are today, I can guarantee
you, there's things you were doing five years ago, that you
wouldn't do now. Maybe you get like, Facebook,
memories that pop up on your feed and you like, or cringe.
Like that was such a cringy. I can do for me, it'll be like
post from like 10 or 15 years ago that are popping up, like,
oh look at what you were talking about 10 years ago and I'm like,
oh my God, like oh, there's like activities that you were doing
maybe five or ten years ago that you like I haven't done that for
so long like that's not even something that interest me
anymore, that kind of thing. So, you know, as much as we like
to say that, we don't like change, you as a person are
changing every single day, every single week, every single month,
and your identity is also shifting.
And And when you can Embrace that that really touches back
on, that idea that I was talking about last week, as well of that
impermanence that nothing is ever going to stay the same.
Everything is always changing. You are always changing your
relationships around. You are always ebbing, and
flowing, and evolving, and changing with you around.
You, all of those types of things which is very cool to
think about. It's also a very big concept to
think about. So now that we know some of
these limitations, I want you to think about, okay.
We've run through the strength, we've spoken about the
limitations out of the strength. What do I feel like?
I'm really leaning towards an embracing but also out of the
limitations. What do I really notice coming
up for me as well? How can I start to actually
create change? Now, again with this one, I
actually have six ways to be increasing your self-worth.
Now I can't tell you all six of them because that would be
giving away the whole entire Workshop.
But I am going to to run you through three of them.
So one of the ones that I've really enjoyed and something
I've really taken on board for myself as well over the last few
weeks since I ran this workshop and put all of this information
together. My first tip for you to be
thinking about increasing your sense of self-worth, not
worrying about what other people think is to define the
narrative. Don't let it Define you.
And what I mean by that, Is I have a little question here.
What energy do I want to bring to this situation?
What does it look like for me to embody that?
So call out your inner critic, if you're noticing that
something's coming up, you're worrying about something.
Or someone is this actually what you're worried about.
So there's this is actually a bit of a two-pronged one which
is why I wanted to run through it because I think it's so
beneficial. So when I say don't, sorry,
Define The Narrative. Don't let it Define you.
What I mean. By that is say for example
you've got something coming up that you're feeling a little bit
nervous about, maybe you've got a meeting that's going to be
happening at work or you're doing a presentation or you're
catching up with a friend that you haven't seen in a really
long time since like, before lockdown.
Maybe it's a little bit awkward, I don't know.
Like, whatever you're feeling a bit nervous about something.
Okay, what I want you to think about because when we have our
physiological responses in our body when you have those
physiological body changes and Shifts.
So it could be that you notice that when you feel nervous, you
get butterflies in your tummy, maybe feel a little bit sick,
maybe you feel like your throat closes up a little bit.
When you get nervous maybe you feel like your chest gets quite
tight or your heart beats a lot quicker or your breathing
increases and you're not doing your full deep belly, breaths.
What? All of these physiological or
body changes are doing is signaling to your brain.
That you don't feel happy. Can 10th confident, you know,
those feelings that we really want to be feeling.
So what happens then is your brain is putting this recipe
together and it's like oh I've just noticed my body changing
like my heart's beating faster and I'm walking really quickly.
That must mean I'm running late for work or I'm running late for
that important meeting. Now, I'm feeling really
flustered so you can see how goes body changes or
physiological changes of like my heart's beating quickly.
I'm breathing a lot quicker than normal and Walking really
quickly. Your brain puts them together in
a recipe. Also combines them with thoughts
but I'm not going to dive into that right now because it's
that's a huge topic. And then things, well, I must
feel flustered, I must feel rushed because these are the
signs that you're giving me. So, when you think about feeling
nervous or when you think about over thinking or worrying about
what other people think of you, you might be able to recognize
some physiological. Equal changes that happen within
your body. Maybe you do get those
butterflies, maybe you do start to notice your heart rate or
your breathing increasing, or maybe you start tapping your
foot, or picking your nails, or I know for one of my clients a
few years ago, biting her fingernails that was like her
big trigger point that she was like, as soon as she recognized
that she was biting her fingernails, she was like, oh
something must be wrong. Like, something's making me feel
anxious and yeah. So it's cool to be able to
notice these liked Good points, I guess you would call them and
to be able to just call them out.
So again, you can't change something if you're not aware of
it to create that awareness of like, okay, I'm noticing my body
changing physiologically, let's just stop for a second instead
of letting my brain run with this recipe, that I would
normally create here and just jump straight into feeling
flustered or stressed or overwhelmed or anxious.
Ask yourself when you notice those trigger points.
Hang on a second. What energy do I want to bring
to this situation? So, in some of those examples,
what energy do I want to bring to this meeting?
What energy do I want to bring to this conversation to this
presentation at work to this meet up with an old friend that
I haven't seen for years? What does it look like for me to
embody that? And these are the important
questions. So I was feeling a little bit
nervous. When I was going to do the mini
retreat with bell movement, a few weekends ago, and like I was
fine in the lead up to it, I was really excited, super pumped up
and then once it gets to the day, like I always get a little
bit nervous especially because it was my first public speaking
gig in like since before lockdown.
So, it had been like two years and I love public speaking',
love it. Like love getting In front of
people, love that sense of connection was such a beautiful
day but I recognize that as I was walking out to the car, I
was like, you know, what do you call it?
Like, not like tapping my hands. Oh my gosh, guys.
My words again baby brain, please forgive me.
Fiddling my hands and just kind of like, you know, playing with
my fingers or like underneath my fingernails, like picking my
nails that kind of stuff. Tapping, the steering wheel, I
was breathing a little bit quicker.
Parker and I pulled up into the car park and I thought, okay,
Amy just stop for a second because like you are literally
generating this feeling now. So just stop and ask yourself
this question. I'd only just written this
workbook, a few weeks beforehand.
So it was really fresh in my mind and I was like, what energy
do I want to bring to today? Because I don't want to walk
into that workshop and that speaking gig and my goodness.
Sorry. Scuse me and be feeling
flustered and nervous and I don't want to give off that
Vibe. These women have put time aside
for themselves. They have prioritized time for
themselves today and I want them to feel like the best version of
them possible. So what is the energy that I
want to bring here that I can help them to facilitate that
feeling for themselves? What would it look like for me
to embody the way that I want to feel?
So that's the first part of this one with defining that narrow.
Native and not letting it Define.
You is just really taking a second to notice.
Those physiological changes that you can recognize happening
within your body and thinking about, all right, how else do I
actually want to feel? How do I want to show up in this
situation? And what does it look like for
me to embody that maybe that looks like you taking a really
nice few. Deep breaths like three deep
breaths and just like, re-centering bringing your shot,
like rolling your shoulders back, moving your neck from side
to side and then, you know, stepping out of your car or
stepping. Into that work, work room
meeting or whatever. It is that you've got on that's
happening and just kind of re-centering yourself,
regathering yourself and giving yourself the opportunity to
think about like how do I actually want to feel here so
that you're not just on autopilot with your feelings and
your brains not just running with that automatic recipe?
Now, the next part of this is calling out your inner critic,
so is this actually what you're worried about.
So when we start to worry about what somebody else, Sphinx what
that actually means. And when we really start to get
upset about that, the reason that that happens is because
there is a little part of you somewhere or maybe it's a big
part, but most of the time there's a little part of you
that actually believes what they're saying.
So for example, if you were worried again let's just use a
really General example. You had stepped on the scales
over the weekend and you realize that You have put on three kilos
and you're on a bit of a weight loss journey.
And so you're feeling really disappointed about that and now
you're like, I'm so worried like, you know, I'm worrying
about what everybody else is thinking.
They're probably thinking that, you know, my tights, look
terrible on my jeans, look to title, like, whatever it is that
you're worrying about and you kind of push that to the side,
you're like, okay, whatever. So this is your inner critic
talking to you as Melissa ambrosini would say you're in a
mean girl. And what Happens is if somebody
else makes and it could even just be the most passing of
comments, they mean nothing by it, but you buy into that with
the meaning that you are giving up because of the thoughts that
you already have, because of the things you're already worried
about. So you might be going out to
lunch with a friend and maybe you decide to I don't know, have
a glass of wine or get a burger instead of a salad and they
might ask you, oh, what are you having a new say burger and then
Oh, the burger looks good. I don't know.
Like I'm trying to lose a little bit of weight or I had a really
big breakfast. I'm just going to get a salad.
You start worrying. The overthinking starts to kick
in all of a sudden. It's like, whoa, how did I get
here? Oh my God.
Are they judging me? Like, what are they thinking?
Is that what they think? No, no, this is your inner
critic. This is something you are
actually worried about. They have just hit a nerve.
They have. Without even realizing touched
on something that could even be subconscious for you.
That you don't even notice that you're feeling worried about.
So this is what I mean by calling out, that inner critic.
When you really start to worry about what somebody else is
thinking just stop for a second and think, hang on a second.
What am I worried about here though?
Like, I'm worrying that they're thinking, my jeans are too
tight. Well is it actually do?
I actually think that my jeans are too tight and if that's the
case, fuck it. Do they look good?
Good. Do you feel good?
Then go and have a good day. Like enjoy those jeans strut
your stuff around, but you see where I'm going with this.
We really want to start to be aware of what your inner critic
and what you are actually worried about.
Instead of placing that responsibility out words of
yourself with somebody else and worrying, about what they're
thinking recognize, this is actually what I'm thinking and
what I'm worried about here. Now, my next way to increase
your self-worth is, Expect opinions.
Again, this was a really big one for me, expect and accept that
people are going to have opinions of you.
It's only human, but that doesn't mean that their opinion
has to Define you or dictate how you feel.
So another really common quote that you probably have seen
around before is somebody else's opinion, is none of my business.
I know for the clients of ours that were online for this
Workshop, that was a really, like, defining quote, that they
were like, oh my God, I Of that. I'm going to keep that in mind.
I've written it down. I've got it on Post-it notes or
whatever. So, I really like this one
because instead of feeling like, you need to change everybody
else's opinions. It's like, you know what?
I'm just accepting and expecting the fact instead of setting that
expectation that all this person isn't going to think about me or
isn't going to have opinions, let's be realistic.
Like everybody is only human, it is only human to have opinions
and perspectives. And to put our thoughts out
there, whether that's you putting your thoughts out there
or somebody else. Also remembering everybody
else's opinions and perspectives are created and shaped by every
single experience that they have had in their life up until
literally today. Like, the day that you're
talking to them, you don't know what's been going on for them in
the last few hours in the last few days in the last few weeks,
what they went through when they were five years old.
So when we can bring in this idea of expecting opinions
expecting and accepting that other people are going to To
have opinions of the world of you.
It's not an opinion that has to define or dictate how you feel.
Because at the end of the day, that opinion, that perspective,
that they have that value, that they're holding that belief that
they're pushing, it's not yours, you don't have to take that on
board, you can choose not to take that on board as well.
You can choose just to have a look at it for what it is.
Recognized it for what it is. Okay, I see that this person
Having an opinion or a perspective about something
that's called that's on them. It actually has nothing to do
with me. Even if it is an opinion, like
oh, I don't think you should be doing that or like I you sure
you want to make that life choice and you're like, yeah,
I'm pretty sure like I've just bought the house or I've just
changed my job like whatever just like like it says, everyone
is going to have their opinions. It doesn't have to Define you or
dictate the way that you feel. And then my very last one that
I'm going to leave you with is to get perspective with some
reframing. So maybe this is for the people
Pleasers. This is for the helpers, the
empaths, the people that are seeking approval with this one,
it is getting that perspective. Maybe you've prioritized
yourself in a situation, and that feels a bit uncomfortable.
You said, yes to you. But that also means you said no
to something or somebody else. Else?
What I want you to think about here.
How is this a yes to me? How could this potentially be
good for them? How is this a yes to me?
How does this feel good for me and remember other people don't
get to make your decisions, you make your own decisions and that
is so empowering. Now, I'm going to actually leave
a few different podcast, episode links in the notes, as well,
because like I said earlier, this is so closely, Redentor
related. Linked.
I just tried to link the word linked and related together and
that nearly came out. Very weird, guys.
Like I said this baby brain is just really, really on point
today. This sense of worrying about
what other people think and this idea of that sense of worry is
really linked to your identity and who you are as a person,
your sense of self. And so, what I'm going to do,
because I actually have three potentially for but I think
there's three other podcast episodes on.
Who am I like, what is my sense of identity?
Who am I as a person? What are the labels I have?
What do I like, like? Who am I?
Because that is such a huge question that can get Blacktop
do I and tapped away and tucked away over time that all of a
sudden, we realize we look back and it's like 10 or 15 years
since we've really had an opportunity and giving ourselves
an opportunity to think about who we are that.
It's like, whoa, I actually don't even know who I am
anymore. Like, you know, I've been on
autopilot for so long. I haven't given myself an
opportunity to think about these things.
So I'm going to leave the podcast.
Episode links there for you as well.
I know that one of the episodes is episode 2.
Because it's my most listened to your podcast episode ever and it
always pops up in my analytics to tell me that it is still
getting listened to. So let me just have a quick look
and I'll see if I can really quickly a bring it up, if I look
at podcasts. No, it's not coming up.
Let me really quickly. I'm only going to keep you for
literally another five seconds on this because if it doesn't
Come up then that's fine. I'm just going to leave them in
the notes. Can I search?
No. So I will leave those podcast
episode links and podcast episode numbers in the show
notes for you. I will also leave the
recommendations that I gave for you guys to in the show notes
and yeah, that's it for me from today.
So I hope that there's been a few things that you have taken
away from this. I hope that you are feeling like
you can be empowered to really be moving towards creating that
sense of self. Within you.
Because when you can create that sense of self-worth, that
self-love that self-confidence, that self empowerment within
you, then actually doesn't matter what other people think.
And again, they're going to be thinking things anyway, so let
them think expect to the opinions except the opinions.
It's except sorry the fact that they're going to have opinions
and just be cool with it. Be okay with it like whatever
that's fine. You do you I am working on me.
I am working on focusing on me. And improving my sense of self.
My self-worth myself, love my self care and that is the most
important thing. If you liked this episode, I
would love for you to screenshot and tag me on Instagram.
You guys have no idea how much that absolutely makes my day.
I get such a big smile on my face.
Thank you so much for hanging out with me today and I hope
that you have got them something from this episode.
If you want to hang out more you can search the nourishing, Amy
podcast community in Facebook and come and join our group.
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Thank you again so much for being with me and have a
fantastic day.