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Happy Monday and welcome to your
mental Health Mini. 

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This week's guest is Doctor 
Marissa Franco, and we are 

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talking all things friendship 
and social anxiety. 

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Social anxiety kind of comes 
from the sense that you're not 

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good enough, right? 
And people are going to find 

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out. 
So that's the struggle of social

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anxiety. 
And the irony though, is that 

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when we have the sense that 
we're not good enough, it 

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triggers this confirmation bias 
where we're looking for all the 

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signs that people are rejecting 
us and ignoring signs of 

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acceptance. 
So I will say be intentional 

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about taking in moments of 
safety and acceptance. 

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Like, oh, this person, you know,
was interested in this 

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conversation with me. 
Let me take a moment. 

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What does that feel like for me?
How do I absorb that in my body?

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Right. 
Because fundamentally our 

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perception of how worthy we are 
according to the sociometer 

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theory, which kind of argues 
that self esteem is not about 

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how you feel about yourself, 
it's your gauge of how you think

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others do you. 
So the more that you can take in

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that others value you, that's 
going to help decrease your 

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social anxiety over time. 
And so that's really important. 

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The other thing I would say is 
if you're socially anxious, 

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you're insecure, right? 
Any of the ways that that some 

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of our own issues might harm us.
We're often so focused on 

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ourselves and how we come off 
and looking too much, right? 

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Am I coming off as weird, 
awkward, cringy? 

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I'm going to get all quiet all 
of a sudden, right? 

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And that sabotages us because 
connecting with people is about 

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making other people feel like 
they belong, like focusing on 

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other people. 
One of my biggest tips for 

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connection is assume people like
because when you do, according 

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to the science of something 
called the acceptance prophecy, 

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when researchers manipulated 
people to think they were liked 

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even though it wasn't true, that
made people open, agreeable, 

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warm, and they'd actually become
more liked, right? 

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Find people that you like 
already and you have to 

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initiate. 
Don't just wait for them to ask 

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you to be their friend because 
that's actually related to being

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more lonely over time. 
When you think friendship 

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happens without effort, whereas 
people that see friendship is 

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taking effort are less likely to
be lonely over time. 

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So make the ass and it's going 
to I feel really scary for you, 

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right? 
But that doesn't mean that you 

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shouldn't do it. 
And that also doesn't mean that 

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your body telling you that 
they're not gonna be open to it 

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is the truth. 
But the only way that you're 

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gonna know is for you to 
actually do it. 

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So make the ask for someone that
you've been wanting to connect 

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with. 
I like to suggest something 

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called building your social 
infrastructure. 

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So researchers have found that 
for friendships to happen 

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organically, you need, this is 
from a sociologist, Rebecca 

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Adams. 
She says you need continuous, 

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unplanned interaction and shared
vulnerability. 

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You need to meet up repeatedly 
over time and stop being 

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guarded, right? 
And so you can create social 

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infrastructure by signing up for
things that are repeated over 

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time, extracurricular 
activities, book clubs, you 

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know, even class, if you're 
like, actually conversing with 

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people and sharing something 
that's a little more vulnerable 

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about yourself because then you 
capitalize on something called 

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the mere exposure effect, which 
is artists like people. 

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This is completely unconscious 
just because they are familiar 

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to us. 
So a study that's based on this,

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researchers planted women in a 
psychology class for varying 

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numbers of classes. 
People in the class didn't even 

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remember any of these women, but
they liked the woman who showed 

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up for the most classes 20% more
than the woman who didn't show 

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up for any. 
This is completely unconscious. 

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So what does that mean? 
That once you sign up for this 

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continuous event over time, the 
first time you get there, the 

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first month, the first two 
months, it's gonna be awkward. 

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Mere exposure effect hasn't set 
in. 

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My issue when I was in college, 
I show up once and I'm like, 

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nobody's talking to me. 
I'm not going to. 

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I'm done. 
Yeah, yeah, exactly. 

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But you, you know, commit to 
showing up for two to three 

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months with the awareness that 
it's inherently awkward in the 

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beginning. 
Like that's how our brains are 

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wired. 
Be suspicious. 

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You don't trust them yet. 
They're not familiar, right? 

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But that doesn't mean it's going
to continue to be like this over

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time. 
So give it time and space to 

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develop. 
And as you're doing that, you 

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want to start to generate 
exclusivity with some people in 

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the group. 
Exclusivity means I have 

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experiences and interactions 
with you that I don't share with

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other people in this group. 
So let's say you're at the book 

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club, like, oh, would you want 
to like meet up for tea before 

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our book club next week or 
after? 

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And then you're just inherently 
going to keep seeing them 

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because you have that continuous
time plan interaction. 

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So it's just a little less scary
and you don't have to, you don't

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have to pull as much weight. 
So much research has shown me 

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that the world is safer than we 
predict and people are more 

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likely to accept this than we 
think. 

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There's also research on 
something called the Beautiful 

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mess effects that finds that 
when we're vulnerable, we tend 

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to assume that people are 
judging us more than they 

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actually are. 
Underestimate how much they 

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appreciate that vulnerability as
an act of authenticity. 

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When we affirm other people, we 
share how much we like and value

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them. 
We think it comes off as more 

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awkward than it does. 
We underestimate how much people

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appreciate it. 
And so I think just being open 

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to the the idea that some of 
your assumptions that our bodies

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hold, our brains hold as even as
we have this negativity bias, we

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cling more to negative 
information that people are 

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going to reject you, that people
don't really like you. 

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Just be open to the possibility 
that that's not true. 

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But recognize that the only true
way that your body will register

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that people are more loving and 
open than you think they are is 

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if you actually go out there and
take the risk of intimacy. 

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Ask people to hang out, be a 
little bit more vulnerable, and 

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then register. 
When things succeed in your 

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body, take in that safety and 
feel it. 

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You can begin to combat that 
negativity bias and make 

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friends.