Happy Monday and welcome to your mental Health Mini.
This week's guest is Doctor Marissa Franco, and we are
talking all things friendship and social anxiety.
Social anxiety kind of comes from the sense that you're not
good enough, right? And people are going to find
out. So that's the struggle of social
anxiety. And the irony though, is that
when we have the sense that we're not good enough, it
triggers this confirmation bias where we're looking for all the
signs that people are rejecting us and ignoring signs of
acceptance. So I will say be intentional
about taking in moments of safety and acceptance.
Like, oh, this person, you know, was interested in this
conversation with me. Let me take a moment.
What does that feel like for me? How do I absorb that in my body?
Right. Because fundamentally our
perception of how worthy we are according to the sociometer
theory, which kind of argues that self esteem is not about
how you feel about yourself, it's your gauge of how you think
others do you. So the more that you can take in
that others value you, that's going to help decrease your
social anxiety over time. And so that's really important.
The other thing I would say is if you're socially anxious,
you're insecure, right? Any of the ways that that some
of our own issues might harm us. We're often so focused on
ourselves and how we come off and looking too much, right?
Am I coming off as weird, awkward, cringy?
I'm going to get all quiet all of a sudden, right?
And that sabotages us because connecting with people is about
making other people feel like they belong, like focusing on
other people. One of my biggest tips for
connection is assume people like because when you do, according
to the science of something called the acceptance prophecy,
when researchers manipulated people to think they were liked
even though it wasn't true, that made people open, agreeable,
warm, and they'd actually become more liked, right?
Find people that you like already and you have to
initiate. Don't just wait for them to ask
you to be their friend because that's actually related to being
more lonely over time. When you think friendship
happens without effort, whereas people that see friendship is
taking effort are less likely to be lonely over time.
So make the ass and it's going to I feel really scary for you,
right? But that doesn't mean that you
shouldn't do it. And that also doesn't mean that
your body telling you that they're not gonna be open to it
is the truth. But the only way that you're
gonna know is for you to actually do it.
So make the ask for someone that you've been wanting to connect
with. I like to suggest something
called building your social infrastructure.
So researchers have found that for friendships to happen
organically, you need, this is from a sociologist, Rebecca
Adams. She says you need continuous,
unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability.
You need to meet up repeatedly over time and stop being
guarded, right? And so you can create social
infrastructure by signing up for things that are repeated over
time, extracurricular activities, book clubs, you
know, even class, if you're like, actually conversing with
people and sharing something that's a little more vulnerable
about yourself because then you capitalize on something called
the mere exposure effect, which is artists like people.
This is completely unconscious just because they are familiar
to us. So a study that's based on this,
researchers planted women in a psychology class for varying
numbers of classes. People in the class didn't even
remember any of these women, but they liked the woman who showed
up for the most classes 20% more than the woman who didn't show
up for any. This is completely unconscious.
So what does that mean? That once you sign up for this
continuous event over time, the first time you get there, the
first month, the first two months, it's gonna be awkward.
Mere exposure effect hasn't set in.
My issue when I was in college, I show up once and I'm like,
nobody's talking to me. I'm not going to.
I'm done. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
But you, you know, commit to showing up for two to three
months with the awareness that it's inherently awkward in the
beginning. Like that's how our brains are
wired. Be suspicious.
You don't trust them yet. They're not familiar, right?
But that doesn't mean it's going to continue to be like this over
time. So give it time and space to
develop. And as you're doing that, you
want to start to generate exclusivity with some people in
the group. Exclusivity means I have
experiences and interactions with you that I don't share with
other people in this group. So let's say you're at the book
club, like, oh, would you want to like meet up for tea before
our book club next week or after?
And then you're just inherently going to keep seeing them
because you have that continuous time plan interaction.
So it's just a little less scary and you don't have to, you don't
have to pull as much weight. So much research has shown me
that the world is safer than we predict and people are more
likely to accept this than we think.
There's also research on something called the Beautiful
mess effects that finds that when we're vulnerable, we tend
to assume that people are judging us more than they
actually are. Underestimate how much they
appreciate that vulnerability as an act of authenticity.
When we affirm other people, we share how much we like and value
them. We think it comes off as more
awkward than it does. We underestimate how much people
appreciate it. And so I think just being open
to the the idea that some of your assumptions that our bodies
hold, our brains hold as even as we have this negativity bias, we
cling more to negative information that people are
going to reject you, that people don't really like you.
Just be open to the possibility that that's not true.
But recognize that the only true way that your body will register
that people are more loving and open than you think they are is
if you actually go out there and take the risk of intimacy.
Ask people to hang out, be a little bit more vulnerable, and
then register. When things succeed in your
body, take in that safety and feel it.
You can begin to combat that negativity bias and make
friends.