1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:04,100 Welcome to she persisted I'm your host Sadie Saxton a 19 year 2 00:00:04,100 --> 00:00:07,100 old from the Bay Area studying psychology at the University of 3 00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:10,400 Pennsylvania. She persisted is the Teen Mental 4 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:13,800 Health podcast made for teenagers by a team in each 5 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,400 episode. I'll bring you authentic 6 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,300 accessible and relatable conversations about every aspect 7 00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:21,600 of mental Wellness. You can expect evidence-based, 8 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:25,100 Tina, proof resources, coping skills, including lots of DBT, 9 00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:28,300 insights and education. In each piece of content, you 10 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:31,700 consume, she persisted It offers you a safe space to feel 11 00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:33,800 validated and understood in your struggle. 12 00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:36,300 While encouraging you to take ownership of your journey and 13 00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:40,900 build your life worth living. So, let's dive in this week on 14 00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:47,300 she persisted, here's my advice, grief sucks and it sucks big 15 00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:50,500 time. Lean into the Sun as much as you 16 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:53,400 can lean into it. What do I mean by that? 17 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,200 If today you're feeling really sad just like knowledge that 18 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,600 you're feeling sad, feel the emotion, sometimes I tell 19 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:02,100 grievers, Just put your hand over your heart and see if you 20 00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:06,400 can tell what emotion that is. I miss him and then just say 21 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:10,000 man, I really miss him and try to hold on to that emotion of 22 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,600 missing him for as long as you can before, your mind changes, 23 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,100 the subject. Hello. 24 00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:17,300 Hello. And welcome to she persisted 25 00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:18,900 today. We were talking about a very 26 00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:23,200 important and relevant topic because it is the holidays and 27 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,700 grief is something that can come up for a lot of people 28 00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:29,200 especially around the holiday season as you participate in 29 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,500 Traditions. Spend time with family members 30 00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:33,900 and friends. If you have lost a loved one, it 31 00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:37,400 can be a really difficult time to navigate emotions that come 32 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,400 up and your mental health can struggle. 33 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,500 As a result, today's guest is Sharon rube Walker, she's a 34 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:45,700 grief specialist as many of you guys know, grief is a subject 35 00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:47,900 that most people are not comfortable with but it's really 36 00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:49,600 unique in that. It's one of the few things that 37 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,500 will affect every single person at some point in their life. 38 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:56,900 And so, Sharon is on the podcast today to talk about why we don't 39 00:01:56,900 --> 00:02:00,100 teach grieving skills at a young age, we talked about navigating 40 00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:03,800 Grief as a teenager and what specific coping skills teens can 41 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,600 use. If they are grieving we talked 42 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:08,300 about Sharon's own experiences, we talked about how to support 43 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:11,300 someone grieving, what you can do, what is helpful, what's not 44 00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:13,700 helpful? And really just a 45 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,400 all-encompassing conversation about how to navigate grief 46 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,500 yourself or support, someone that is experiencing that I 47 00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:22,400 learned so much in this episode. I know that you will as well, 48 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:25,700 huge thank you to Sharon for coming on the show and being so 49 00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:28,200 vulnerable and diving into a topic that we haven't covered 50 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:32,100 before but is so so important. Orton because like I mentioned 51 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:34,000 grief is something that everyone will experience. 52 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,000 So with that, let's dive in. Well, thank you so much for 53 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,000 joining me today. Sharon, I'm so excited to have 54 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,700 you on. She persisted how exciting this 55 00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:44,000 is, gonna be so cool. I've been waiting to do this 56 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,300 interview. I'm so excited and I'm so happy 57 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:49,700 to have you here. I have never done an episode on 58 00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:52,600 Grief before, but it's something that so many teens ulis. 59 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:56,800 I'm so excited to have an expert perspective to give all the best 60 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,400 tips and navigating it yourself and supporting someone. 61 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:03,000 Yeah, and This is why I was excited to be here is because 62 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,600 we're not talking about this enough and we're definitely not 63 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,000 talking about it for our young people, right? 64 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:11,200 And here's the other thing, we don't call it grief. 65 00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:14,000 That's the problem. All the things that hurt are 66 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,600 hard and make us feel broken. We're not calling a grief and 67 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,900 that's why people think grief only goes with death. 68 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,800 Yeah. What are some other labels that 69 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:28,600 people use for grief as an emotion or an experience other 70 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,500 than actually labeling it It so break up over romantic 71 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:35,000 relationship, right? How about? 72 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:39,100 And I'm going to try to think of some things for this age group. 73 00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:43,100 But yeah, really like in a guy and then him going for your 74 00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:44,800 girlfriend. That's a grievance could be 75 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:48,800 right. Yeah, yeah, right. 76 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,200 And so having him go for your girlfriend or, you know, having 77 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:55,500 friends, we go, a lot of, this is girlfriends, we in there, 78 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:57,900 we're supporting each other, but then all of a sudden, we turn 79 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,100 turn on that friend. That's a grievance. 80 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:04,600 Parents agree that experience is anything that your heart feels 81 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:06,400 that hurts. Anything that hurts. 82 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,800 Your heart is a grieving experience. 83 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:13,000 We, unfortunately, we only use it with death, but being bullied 84 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,100 in school is a grieving experience. 85 00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:18,399 When I was a senior in high school, I told the story quite 86 00:04:18,399 --> 00:04:20,200 often. Now I'm told that on a podcast. 87 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,700 My boyfriend that I was in love with him, but I was going to 88 00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:27,100 marry for the rest of my life. Got another girl pregnant. 89 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,900 Oh my talking about a grieving experience, I think About that 90 00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,200 here. I was totally in love. 91 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,700 He's my first love. I loved him immensely, I believe 92 00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:36,700 he loved me. Also. 93 00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:39,100 I just think we got, you know, we things happen. 94 00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:42,400 We got confused and then he started hanging out with this 95 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,600 other girl and then she got pregnant. 96 00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:48,300 I had to keep going to school and keep seeing her get bigger 97 00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:50,100 and bigger. So that was a grieving 98 00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:53,600 experience. So anything that causes pain in 99 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,300 our heart is a grave and experience. 100 00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:58,900 So let me just list a few abortion, break up a romantic 101 00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:01,300 relationship. Having someone in your family, 102 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:05,700 go to jail adoption if your parents were to adopt and bring 103 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:08,500 in someone new, that's a greeting experience, having your 104 00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:12,400 pet died, your bike, getting stolen, your computer breaking, 105 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,700 all of those are grieving experiences. 106 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:19,500 Yeah, I think it's really helpful to have the ability to 107 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:21,700 describe it and pinpoint, what you're feeling. 108 00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:25,800 I think all of those experiences bring up so many emotions, but 109 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:29,000 being able to label that as grief brings a lot of clarity 110 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,700 and then also sense of Peace because you're like, okay, I 111 00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:34,300 know I can ask for how to deal with this. 112 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:37,200 Or I know how to deal with this when you're like, I'm angry, I'm 113 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:40,200 confused, I'm upset, I'm sad, I'm guilty, all of these 114 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,900 different things. It can be really difficult to 115 00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:45,200 process through those emotions because you even know what 116 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:51,200 you're experiencing 100%. Imagine if in kindergarten we 117 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,000 taught kids grief, where would we be? 118 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,100 You know, you and I be as women adults, right? 119 00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:01,200 If I had to learn grief at a very young age, Not even great 120 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,700 if I had learned processing. Emotions processing emotions, 121 00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:07,400 right? So I'm going to kindergarten, I 122 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,700 get bullied a run to my teacher. She uses it as a teaching 123 00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:15,000 opportunity for the whole entire classroom, instead of just 124 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:21,600 saying and then remember you for the rest of your life and then 125 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,700 you're on a podcast and you start talking about it. 126 00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:32,100 So if we did that, What a difference and how much more 127 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,800 prepared we would be. If we talk in, I'm going to put 128 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,500 quotes up here. Emotions that hurt that made me 129 00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:41,400 sad. And that here's the deal. 130 00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:45,600 We have to be allowed to say it, but the person hearing it has to 131 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:50,200 be able to receive it and not comment on it or try to fix it. 132 00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:53,900 Yeah. And I think even the pivotal 133 00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:57,500 piece of learning how to validate and be there for 134 00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:01,200 someone else's emotions and then having a better skill set of how 135 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,700 to cope with those yourself or two things that are so missing 136 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,400 from our current education system. 137 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,100 And as you get into middle school and high school and your 138 00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:12,100 teenage years and you have all these really intense emotions 139 00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:13,500 and you don't know how to deal with them. 140 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,800 I think it would do wonders for the rates of mental illness and 141 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,800 mental health challenges, that so many teens are experiencing. 142 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,300 I agree with you, 100%. And so, this is the example that 143 00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,400 I get. If you can imagine a big giant 144 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,300 Heart, Right? A big little red heart, two big 145 00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:31,200 eyes. And two big ears just hanging 146 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,100 off the end. That's all you need to be is a 147 00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:37,000 heart with ears. You know what's missing the 148 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,000 mouth? You don't need to say anything 149 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,400 whenever your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your cousin or 150 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:47,600 anybody comes up to you and just start sharing, just listen. 151 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:51,700 Listen to what they're saying, don't offer advice, don't try to 152 00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:53,200 fix it. That's what we try to do. 153 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,100 We want to give them. Then there's plenty of fish in 154 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:57,900 the sea. You'll find another girl, lets 155 00:07:57,900 --> 00:07:59,800 go out right now and start. Drinking. 156 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,300 Let's go do this. Let's go do that. 157 00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:04,800 And the truth is Grievers, just need to talk. 158 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,700 I need to talk. They need to hear their brain. 159 00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:10,300 Say the thing out loud? Yeah. 160 00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:13,800 So in addition to talking through it, what skills are 161 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:19,400 helpful to have in your toolbox when you are grieving and 162 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,100 experience or relationship or whatever it is that it's 163 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:26,500 bringing up that emotion. So I teach also about a brain 164 00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,100 dump literally just getting a piece of paper and a pen. 165 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:33,200 Or pain and just writing everything out and hear me out 166 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:34,500 on this. It doesn't have to be a 167 00:08:34,508 --> 00:08:37,100 paragraph or this is how I'm feeling or put a bunch of 168 00:08:37,108 --> 00:08:40,299 emotion words. I don't like my math class. 169 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,299 I don't like having to pay for my insurance. 170 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,000 This is hard. Really just writing it out as a 171 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,700 grateful that ourselves person. Like your situation. 172 00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:50,700 Yeah. The boyfriend writing my really 173 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:53,100 long letter being like, this is so terrible. 174 00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,000 How could you do this? You don't have to say, could you 175 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,000 do like getting don't send it? So therapy. 176 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:06,000 The other thing is having that one or two people in our back 177 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,100 pocket that we can talk to write that are really there for us to 178 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:12,100 talk and that they are the person that's the heart with the 179 00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:14,800 years and they just listened to us and we can just do the brain. 180 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,100 Dump out loud and saying the thing out loud. 181 00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:21,000 The other thing is, if we don't have those one or two people, 182 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,700 then being able to ask for help, I know a lot of the college 183 00:09:23,700 --> 00:09:25,900 campuses. There's support groups that you 184 00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:29,900 can go to their support groups. A lot, we can find Online and 185 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:33,200 meet up groups, literally, people are dying to talk. 186 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:37,800 I heard today, the reason that Tick Tock is becoming so popular 187 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,200 is because people feel like they belong to something, right? 188 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,800 This one lady was on Tick, Tock live and they were just breaking 189 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,400 out one of the videos. She said she was on for six 190 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,300 hours because people kept joining in joining the joining 191 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,200 because people want to feel like they belong to something and 192 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,200 feel heard. Yeah, we want to feel heard. 193 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,200 It's so true. So one other thing I want to add 194 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,500 with that, just a real. Quick tip is to talk in 195 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,900 emotions. Say those emotions, even if they 196 00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:06,300 hurt, even if you feel, like if I say this, someone's gonna be 197 00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:08,700 uncomfortable. You, there's five, simple 198 00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:14,800 emotions, you can use mad sad. Glad afraid you're embarrassed. 199 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:19,600 Those five simple emotions helped in every situation. 200 00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:25,200 When is it time to ask for support and kind of maybe 201 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,800 realize, Is it something isn't going as well as it could? 202 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,800 I mean, they're, of course, all these emotions arise. 203 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:35,000 It takes a certain amount of time to be able to go back to 204 00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:38,600 not even functioning normally, but returned to all of these 205 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,700 activities and interests that you had before when you're 206 00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:44,600 grieving, and it's interesting because when they wrote the DSM, 207 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,800 I don't know if it's the most recent version or the one before 208 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,700 when they were talking about the diagnosis for depression, there 209 00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:52,800 was this caveat where it's like unless you've lost a loved one 210 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,200 recently, where all these symptoms are normal unless 211 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,400 you've Lost a close family member friend, Etc. 212 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:02,200 And it's in the book, lost connections by Johann Hari. 213 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,200 And he talks about but there's no timeline there. 214 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:07,800 It's like this is normal if you have lost a loved one but what 215 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:11,000 if this has been going on for a year or two years then it's not 216 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:15,400 normal. So when would you counsel a 217 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:19,500 listener to maybe ask a parent or a counselor close friend for 218 00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:22,300 some further support almost like warning signs? 219 00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:24,500 I think to be aware of if you feel like, okay, maybe this 220 00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:27,600 grieving process Isn't something that I can do alone. 221 00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:31,700 So a couple of things. Number one, the DSM-5 doesn't 222 00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:35,000 have the word grief in it and it hasn't until this year. 223 00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:43,100 Oh no, no experience happens in our heart. 224 00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:46,200 Yeah, there is no pill that somebody can write you. 225 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,900 And no doctor can say, oh you're grieving, oh your boyfriend. 226 00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:51,700 Got a girl pregnant at your school. 227 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:53,900 Let me write you a pill. There's no pill, right? 228 00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:55,600 And it's almost like a catch-all. 229 00:11:55,700 --> 00:11:57,500 For feel. However, you want to. 230 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,700 Let's not do anything about it. It's expected. 231 00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:04,900 It's the course of action here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. 232 00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:06,700 So that that's number one. There was no. 233 00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:10,100 And then, recently this year I believe they added complicated 234 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:13,200 grief. Which I don't believe is, I 235 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,900 don't want to go against anybody in the medical field. 236 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,600 They're going to think I'm crazy, but I think all grief is 237 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,200 complicated grief. That's number one. 238 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:23,000 Number two, we get a lot of misinformation from people 239 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,200 giving us advice and one of the bits of information They give us 240 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,300 is oh honey, just give it time. Yeah. 241 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:32,100 It'll feel better in time. We don't get better. 242 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,600 Just give it time. Well, how much time? 243 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:38,000 That's what I always say. How much time they that when 244 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,100 that thing happened to me in my senior year of high school, I 245 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,600 came home grieving I didn't know it was grieving tell. 246 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,900 Now I came home every day and went to bed and put the covers 247 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,500 over my head and cry. I didn't feel like I had anyone 248 00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:53,100 to talk to my mother didn't know what to do and so at the end of 249 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:55,300 one year, I was just like, okay I'm better. 250 00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:59,000 Guess what came back to haunt me 10 years later that experience 251 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:03,000 because I never dealt with it. So is there a time limit on 252 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,200 great? Hear me out. 253 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,900 There's no time. That's going to heal this broken 254 00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:09,400 heart. It's the action steps that we 255 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:13,000 take with and I'm what are the action steps listening to this 256 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,500 podcast? Talking to someone just talking 257 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:19,600 about how I feel going to my school counselor and saying hey 258 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,000 this is not getting any better, I'm having some crazy thoughts. 259 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,500 I need to talk to somebody. Those are the action steps. 260 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,200 Soooo picking up the book going in the library and finding a 261 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,100 book on Grief or finding a book on a broken heart and reading it 262 00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:34,800 is an action step. So everything that you do to 263 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:38,900 move you towards healing, move your heart towards, healing is 264 00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:41,900 an action step. So it's the action steps within 265 00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:46,000 time. If I did nothing, which I did, 266 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,700 when I broke up with my boyfriend with, I did nothing. 267 00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:52,500 Eventually the intensity over time is going to drop down and 268 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:55,900 almost feels like it's taken care of but the truth is Is 269 00:13:55,900 --> 00:14:00,200 anybody can come up and just say something and we remind you of 270 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,300 that moment and you're right back there again. 271 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,900 Today's episode is brought to you by teen counseling. 272 00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:08,100 Teen counseling is an online Therapy Program with over 14,000 273 00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:09,800 licensed therapist within their Network. 274 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,800 It is better helps branch of online therapy for teenagers. 275 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,300 If you are struggling with grief or struggling with the 276 00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:18,200 overwhelming emotions that can come with floss, it might be 277 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,700 helpful to work with a therapist or work with a mental health 278 00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:22,900 professional. And if you are looking for a 279 00:14:22,908 --> 00:14:25,300 therapist, you haven't been able to find one locally a great 280 00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:26,900 option. Ian can be teen counseling 281 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,900 because you can get talk, text and video support all from your 282 00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:33,200 home without dealing with weightless and referrals and the 283 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,700 very exhausting process that can be finding a therapist. 284 00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:38,900 So, if you would like to check out teen counseling, you can go 285 00:14:38,900 --> 00:14:43,200 to teen counseling.com. She persisted, you will fill out 286 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,400 a quick survey to answer what you're hoping to work on with it 287 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,600 as depression, anxiety, grief relationships, trauma or 288 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,300 something else. And based on that, they will 289 00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:53,300 match you with a therapist. It meets your needs. 290 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,500 So if you're looking for mental health support, I highly 291 00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:57,800 Augmenting counseling. You can go to teen 292 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,300 counseling.com. She persisted to find a 293 00:15:00,308 --> 00:15:03,000 therapist today. What are your thoughts on the 294 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,300 seven stages of grief? Do you think that there is 295 00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:08,500 accuracy, there are some of them true or they all terrible, and 296 00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:10,500 you just see them in movies all the time and you're like, what 297 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:13,100 is happening from your professionals perspective, what 298 00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:16,500 are your thoughts there? My thought is you can Google my 299 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,700 tedx where I do pump the station. 300 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:25,100 I love it. Okay so in 2006 a, my nephew 301 00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:26,500 Austin. Iran at the lake. 302 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,600 The one thing that Erica is my sister Austin's, mom and myself. 303 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,800 The one thing we had in common, were the five stages of grief 304 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:45,600 and so every day. Yeah, that's right. 305 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,900 So what would happen is every day I would call her and I would 306 00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:51,400 say, how are you doing? And then she would give me the 307 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,800 Stitch that she believed that she was in, right? 308 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,900 She said she was Denial. That's the stage. 309 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,600 Yeah. And I said, how could you be in 310 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,300 denial? And I whispered, you know that 311 00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:03,500 he died, right? Almost like she had was losing 312 00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,400 her mind. How is it that? 313 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,100 After seven months of someone dying, you can be in denial. 314 00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:11,900 So, I started to take a deep dive into these stages. 315 00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:14,900 I did an intense study on them, and it turns out, dr. 316 00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:19,100 Elisabeth Kubler-Ross actually wrote 13 stages for the dying 317 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,200 person. So, when you were giving a 318 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:25,300 life-altering disease, she wrote These stages for her interns one 319 00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:28,300 of the interns became a psychiatrist and he took five of 320 00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:32,500 the stages and he attached him to grief and did to us a huge 321 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,500 disservice. So hear me out. 322 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,400 You can be angry when someone dies, you can be angry. 323 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,900 When your boyfriend cheats on you, you can be in disbelief, 324 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,500 you can even come to acceptance, you can bargain with God to, 325 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,800 please bring them back. You absolutely can have those. 326 00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:50,500 And some days you may actually laugh, you may actually enjoy a 327 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:54,900 bowl of ice cream, but the truth is your heart is still broken. 328 00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:59,100 Your heart is still working when you're at that point where you 329 00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:02,300 kind of have that acceptance of and feeling heartbroken, that is 330 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:05,500 just something that is coming with this experience is that 331 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:08,500 were working through the experience rather than just 332 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,000 moving on and waiting for a certain amount of time to pass, 333 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,400 or do you think that's just something that's always there? 334 00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:17,200 And that always is kind of part of your emotional experience. 335 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:21,500 So, four years ago, I lost my very best friend of 15 years. 336 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:25,300 Her name was also share and she used to tell everybody where 337 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,700 sharing squared and I was like, stop saying that. 338 00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,800 But anyway now I wish he was here to stay. 339 00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:34,300 So I'm going to share my experience, number one, my 340 00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:36,600 sister. And I we don't teach closure 341 00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,800 because we sound like it's closing the door on your 342 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,000 relationship. We teach completion. 343 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,400 You walk a journey with everybody, you meet in your 344 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,700 life, even if you only meet them in your class and you just have 345 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:50,300 one semester with them, you walked a journey with that 346 00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:53,000 person. I walked a journey with Sharon 347 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,300 from the day that I met her until the day she left. 348 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,000 This Earth we were best friends, we were inseparable, we talked 349 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,400 on the phone 10 times a day. We could talk about what color 350 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,900 drapes to hang in our living room for like three hours, 351 00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:06,600 right? When she left. 352 00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:09,500 I needed to complete my relationship with her and come 353 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,600 full circle. Now, there are days that I 354 00:18:12,608 --> 00:18:15,900 absolutely miss her. Their days that are man, I 355 00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,900 really need Sharon. I could talk to her about this. 356 00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:19,800 She would give me the best advice their days. 357 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:23,800 I absolutely mr. But I am living my best life. 358 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:28,600 And filled with love for her. I'm really filled with love for 359 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,600 her. I will miss her until the day. 360 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,800 I leave this earth but I'm not broken. 361 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,700 I can function, I go to events. I talk about her, I can look at 362 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:40,000 pictures of her and I together, if you met my sister Erica, you 363 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,100 would say the same thing about her. 364 00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:43,800 She talks about her boys. She shares about her boys. 365 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,000 She's last week. She was at the pair, you know, 366 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,700 she travels. She's living her best life. 367 00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:53,100 With them in her heart and she knows that she had a 368 00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:56,200 relationship with them but she's not broken. 369 00:18:56,200 --> 00:19:00,800 I do meet people 10 20, 30 years it's as if they just had the 370 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,000 loss because they didn't do the work. 371 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:09,200 Yeah, so in those early days what is the first step for our 372 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,300 first couple of things that you can do to either sit in that 373 00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:16,700 emotion, whatever those beginning parts of the work is? 374 00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:19,700 And it's probably definitely not diving through it or being like 375 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,200 this. A ship is complete Next Step, 376 00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:25,900 but those early days when you're like, okay, I want to start to 377 00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:28,100 work through this. I don't want to just avoid, but 378 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,500 it's still really raw and real and overwhelming. 379 00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:33,900 What advice would you give? That's a great question. 380 00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,700 I love that question. So what we find that most 381 00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:41,100 Grievous do is they do, one of three things, they resist, who 382 00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:45,500 wants to grieve they resist. It's almost like they push back. 383 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:50,000 They react. So we react by crying, sometimes 384 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,200 we think. By reacting by yelling and 385 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,900 screaming and causing a big scene that cord getting out, 386 00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,400 grieving emotions, but that's just reacting. 387 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,300 Or we avoid, we avoid altogether. 388 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,100 Okay, I'm not going that way. Oh, I'm going to go to sleep, I 389 00:20:04,108 --> 00:20:05,100 don't want to think deal with this. 390 00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:08,000 Remember I said, I came home and put the covers over my head, so 391 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:13,900 we do one of those three things. Here's my advice, grief sucks, 392 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:15,800 and it sucks. Big time. 393 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:20,200 Lean into the suck as much as you can lean into it. 394 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,800 It. What do I mean by that? 395 00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:26,700 If today you're feeling really sad, just acknowledge that 396 00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,100 you're feeling sad. It's just like you said, feel 397 00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:31,400 the emotion. Sometimes I tell Grievers, put 398 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,100 your hand over your heart and see if you can tell what emotion 399 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:38,300 that is. I miss him and then just say man 400 00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:41,500 I really miss him and try to hold on to that emotion of 401 00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:44,300 missing him for. As long as you can before your 402 00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:47,900 mind changes the subject, and then the next time it comes 403 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:54,000 around, try to do it again. Be And talk cry, feel 404 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,600 comfortable crying in front of people Journal. 405 00:20:56,600 --> 00:21:00,200 If you have to if people are not safe, if you're around someone 406 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,300 and they're not safe, then don't talk to them. 407 00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:06,300 Don't share with them if you need to sleep sleep, if you go 408 00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:08,600 without doing. So here are four, five, six, 409 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,100 seven days, and you don't take a bath and brush your teeth more 410 00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:13,800 power to you. You will not feel like eating 411 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,600 and that's okay, your body will not let you starve that feeling 412 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:20,900 to eat will come back. Typically, most grievers, Around 413 00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:24,500 the three to four months are ready to start at least talking 414 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:27,600 about doing some work and they're really ready to do the 415 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,500 work around six months. Prior to that, your body is in 416 00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:33,800 such disbelief, that this is even happened. 417 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,300 You got to just let it start coming in a little bit at a time 418 00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:41,000 and a little bit at a time. What advice do you give for 419 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,900 people? Not that have a warning sign 420 00:21:43,900 --> 00:21:47,700 that a grief is coming. But if you have a loved one that 421 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:52,000 has like a terminal illness or You are losing a friend, that's 422 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,100 moving away, or something like that. 423 00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:56,200 Maybe you're like, something's not right. 424 00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:58,900 Is there ways to kind of not really? 425 00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:02,700 Prepare yourself, but I feel like those stages of grief. 426 00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:05,500 If you can even call them that those emotions, do sometimes 427 00:22:05,500 --> 00:22:07,700 show up there as well, whether it's a denial of their 428 00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:09,400 bargaining or the problem solving. 429 00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:12,300 So what advice would you give it hasn't happened yet? 430 00:22:12,300 --> 00:22:15,600 So you're not even able to process those emotions. 431 00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:18,900 But you know that you're going to be dealing with grief and the 432 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,100 upcoming months years. Etc. 433 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,600 So a few years ago my father passed away of cancer and I 434 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:30,000 remember standing at his bed, trying to get my body to feel 435 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,600 what I was going to feel right? Yes, I was standing there and I 436 00:22:32,608 --> 00:22:37,300 was like, you can't, it won't do it, it just won't do it. 437 00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:41,000 But one of the things we can do because you can you won't be 438 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:46,800 able to feel the emotions yet, but We can grieve in real time, 439 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:51,500 and what do I mean by that? Have the conversations have the 440 00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,500 conversations? There's five of us went to our 441 00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:56,400 dad's bed and we had a really great conversation with him and 442 00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:00,000 I said to him, thank you so much for being on this journey with 443 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,300 me and thank you for taking care of me. 444 00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:05,500 And thank you for loving me. And I want you to know I love 445 00:23:05,500 --> 00:23:07,000 you. And I'm so honored that we got 446 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,900 to do this together. Those were my exact words and he 447 00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:13,600 put his finger up and he said, you be good because we weren't a 448 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,100 family that says, I love You and I love that story and it's still 449 00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:19,400 so precious in my heart that was grieving. 450 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:23,300 And real time, most of the time what happens is what is broken 451 00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:25,000 in our hearts. All the things we never got a 452 00:23:25,008 --> 00:23:28,200 chance to say, right? So put go back to when I was a 453 00:23:28,208 --> 00:23:30,300 senior in high school. I never got the chance to tell 454 00:23:30,300 --> 00:23:33,900 him you jerk. How could you do this to me? 455 00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:36,900 Like, I never got a chance to say that or tell her how I felt 456 00:23:36,900 --> 00:23:41,300 about her instead, I killed it in and took it with me for 20 457 00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:44,400 years with my dad. I was able to share with him, so 458 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,400 one I would say grieve in real time as much as possible. 459 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:51,200 Talk to the person have a conversation, tell him the 460 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:52,800 things that you need him to know. 461 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:56,300 He or she the things you need to know talk with others around you 462 00:23:56,300 --> 00:23:59,100 for sure. Right things out write an O, 463 00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:01,200 give him the note. If you can't say the thing a 464 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:06,600 person try to write it out and there's no way to prepare for 465 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,900 what's going to happen but be open to the fact of what's going 466 00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:12,100 to happen and knowing it's going to happen. 467 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,400 I've loved that if listeners are trying to support someone, that 468 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,100 is navigating this. I feel like the quintessential 469 00:24:20,100 --> 00:24:23,000 thing is, you give someone the casserole or some flowers. 470 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,200 Is that helpful, is that what being on the receiving end? 471 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,100 You're like, this is so great. That I have all these flowers 472 00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:31,100 but house or this casserole was actually really helpful in your 473 00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:33,700 experience. What was helpful, what would you 474 00:24:33,700 --> 00:24:37,100 advise listeners to do? If they want to support someone? 475 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,300 They're going to be that open. Listening ear without giving 476 00:24:40,300 --> 00:24:43,500 advice if someone comes to them, but is there That makes it a 477 00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:46,800 little bit easier and just let people know that, like, I'm here 478 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:50,400 if you need it, and it's okay, if you don't, but kind of making 479 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,800 sure that people know that you're in their corner. 480 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,600 So number one, the griever doesn't want the casserole. 481 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,400 They don't want the casserole. They're like, I don't want this 482 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,500 dead casserole. I'd rather have the freezer. 483 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:04,300 What am I supposed to? I don't think I want to have my 484 00:25:04,300 --> 00:25:05,700 friend back, but here's the deal. 485 00:25:06,700 --> 00:25:09,000 The casserole is not just for the griever. 486 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,600 It's for all the people that are coming to love up on the Green 487 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,400 Room. So I'm just talking about in 488 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,000 general. The Grievers, not going to want 489 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,700 it because they don't want that. That think they don't want you 490 00:25:17,708 --> 00:25:21,800 coming their house with stuff. Here's what I bring when I show 491 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:25,100 up at a Grievers house mean if I get the call really early I 492 00:25:25,100 --> 00:25:29,100 bring a case of water. I bring a pad of paper and a 493 00:25:29,108 --> 00:25:31,500 pencil and these all sound so crazy. 494 00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,600 But I'll tell you why I bring a case of water especially if I'm 495 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,500 there, right? When I found out that someone I 496 00:25:36,508 --> 00:25:38,800 may have lost someone or a tragedy has happened. 497 00:25:39,100 --> 00:25:42,800 Because now all the casseroles are coming and those people are 498 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,400 coming and the people who are having the grievant experience, 499 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,900 maybe they don't have water at their house, but a case of water 500 00:25:47,900 --> 00:25:50,900 sitting on the counter, it's like, at least we can offer you 501 00:25:50,900 --> 00:25:55,000 some water, right that do that the pad of paper and the pencil 502 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:58,700 is because the phone is going to start ringing off the hook, not 503 00:25:58,700 --> 00:26:00,600 to serve the house phone, but everyone's cell phone. 504 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,000 What's going on? What's Happening? 505 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:05,500 And the griever might be in the room crying and grieving. 506 00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:10,700 Is there can now take a note and that and that pad can be there 507 00:26:10,700 --> 00:26:14,800 for anyone who's there. Anyone who comes by to bring a 508 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,300 casserole. Mrs. Smith came by, and brought 509 00:26:17,300 --> 00:26:19,800 a chicken casserole. And now the griever knows who 510 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,000 brought what? That's why I'm bringing those 511 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,300 three things. The other thing that I do is I 512 00:26:24,300 --> 00:26:27,800 might hang out for two or three days just to see what they need, 513 00:26:27,900 --> 00:26:31,900 I may bring a casserole myself, I just there helping pick up 514 00:26:31,900 --> 00:26:36,000 their house, the funeral may happen or that car accident may 515 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,900 be over. Whatever it maybe baby over two 516 00:26:38,900 --> 00:26:42,800 or three weeks after that is when you need to go back. 517 00:26:43,300 --> 00:26:47,700 Because hear me out, we have a loss, everyone shows up, they do 518 00:26:47,700 --> 00:26:51,300 everything they're supposed to do and then they are gone. 519 00:26:51,900 --> 00:26:54,600 And guess what? It becomes crickets for the 520 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,500 Graver right down the special days. 521 00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:00,600 Write down their loved ones, birthday text him on that 522 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:02,900 special day. Text them on Halloween Tech. 523 00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:05,000 Someone Groundhog's Day. We don't know what they're 524 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,300 feeling. So reach. 525 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,000 To them and love up to them all the way through. 526 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:12,500 That's so important and I really liked what you said about the 527 00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:15,300 water because I remember my grandmother was recovering from. 528 00:27:15,300 --> 00:27:19,900 It was either right after she got her Whipple surgery, or she 529 00:27:19,900 --> 00:27:22,000 was doing chemo for a cancer diagnosis. 530 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,600 And she is one of those people she lives in Florida. 531 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,500 She's one of those people. Where if someone comes over, 532 00:27:26,500 --> 00:27:28,100 she's like, can I get you a true? 533 00:27:28,100 --> 00:27:30,600 Can I make you some food? If you bring something, she'll 534 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:31,300 write a. Thank you, note. 535 00:27:31,300 --> 00:27:34,100 If you're on the phone, she wants to talk and respond to 536 00:27:34,108 --> 00:27:36,300 your message. And it was so exhausting for 537 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,200 Her. Because she was, like, I can't 538 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,100 not do these things, but when people come over, it's just such 539 00:27:41,100 --> 00:27:43,400 a burden. She didn't want it to be like a 540 00:27:43,408 --> 00:27:45,300 burning, but it takes so much energy. 541 00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:49,100 So, I love that idea of kind of taking that step out of it for 542 00:27:49,100 --> 00:27:52,700 that other person making things easier and letting them kind of 543 00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:55,000 have that separation. And then when they feel up to 544 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,000 it, they could go back and read thinking of if they feel like 545 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,900 they have to do that or off with the beverage. 546 00:27:58,900 --> 00:28:01,100 Yeah, have to. So that's so smart. 547 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,000 It's really crazy. How in, in those first few days, 548 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:08,200 people showing the talking When all the castles are showing up 549 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,400 and as the griever, it's overwhelming. 550 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,800 Yeah, but yet they needed, but they don't want it. 551 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,200 It's a mixed bag of tricks, right? 552 00:28:15,300 --> 00:28:18,600 It's conflicted feelings, they have conflicted feelings, I need 553 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:19,600 you here, but I don't want you here. 554 00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:22,600 Yeah, she said, the funniest thing was, if they brought 555 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,900 something that was in the Tupperware and she was like, but 556 00:28:24,900 --> 00:28:28,400 now I have to wash the top where and bring it back to you with a 557 00:28:28,408 --> 00:28:30,800 thank-you note on it, why couldn't you just brought it in 558 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:33,400 plastic? Because she was like, this is so 559 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:36,000 much more work and it's something you would never think 560 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:37,500 of a Till someone's been a position. 561 00:28:37,500 --> 00:28:40,500 You're like, okay, caught it, I will bring it in a plastic bag. 562 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:45,200 I got you, they have. So we had a friend, exactly, had 563 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,400 a friend and their son, tragically died by Suicide. 564 00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:50,500 And that was I showed up with the bottled, water at the 565 00:28:50,500 --> 00:28:53,300 notepad and a pencil. And she was like, why did you 566 00:28:53,308 --> 00:28:55,500 bring me a notepad? I said I just brought it in case 567 00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:56,800 you need it. I'm going to leave it right here 568 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,900 on the table well because of their situation. 569 00:28:59,900 --> 00:29:03,600 They were getting calls from police detectives and newspapers 570 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,800 and she called me three days later. 571 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:09,400 She was like Thank you for that, notepad like everybody's been 572 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:13,000 riding and they've been using it and it has helped so much and 573 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:16,200 how I figure that out. Was, I brought a note pad over 574 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,000 one austenite and we use the notepad for everything. 575 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,400 Yeah, people are coming flying in. 576 00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:22,900 Oh, so. And so it's coming to LAX. 577 00:29:22,900 --> 00:29:24,700 They're going to be on this way. This one's come in here. 578 00:29:24,700 --> 00:29:27,100 They're gonna be on this flight. So, everybody can use the note. 579 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:31,000 That's so smart. If there was one thing you could 580 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,300 say, to someone that is knee-deep in the grieving 581 00:29:33,300 --> 00:29:36,300 process right now, they don't see methylated. 582 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,800 The end of the tunnel but they don't see other side of this. 583 00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,100 What would you say to them? It's going to get better. 584 00:29:41,500 --> 00:29:43,900 I promise you, I promise you, it will get better. 585 00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:47,500 You need to get some help because we don't know. 586 00:29:47,500 --> 00:29:49,700 We didn't come here with instruction book on how to 587 00:29:49,700 --> 00:29:51,400 grieve. We didn't come here with the 588 00:29:51,408 --> 00:29:53,600 instruction book on how to be married, or how, to raise 589 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:55,800 children either. So, why would we think we know 590 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,300 how to grieve? Right? 591 00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:59,100 For me. I've had to learn how to be 592 00:29:59,100 --> 00:30:00,600 married. I've had to learn how to raise 593 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:02,400 my children. I've also had to learn how to 594 00:30:02,408 --> 00:30:06,300 grieve reach out and get help from anyone that you. 595 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,800 There are a lot of support groups. 596 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,600 There's a big giant group called grief share. 597 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:15,000 Sometimes just being in a room with someone else, who speaks 598 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,100 grief can make a huge difference in our life. 599 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:21,700 Absolutely Reach Out, reach out to myself and Erica. 600 00:30:21,700 --> 00:30:24,500 You can find us at Sharon Brubaker.com were available all 601 00:30:24,500 --> 00:30:31,100 the time, Journal about it, for sure, recorded make video tapes 602 00:30:31,100 --> 00:30:32,400 of it as you're going through it. 603 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,800 So you can remember what you're going through, but more 604 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,500 importantly is do. Do something. 605 00:30:37,500 --> 00:30:41,600 Get some sort of help whenever you feel you need and simply 606 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,900 talking about it makes a difference, so it's like taking 607 00:30:44,900 --> 00:30:48,400 your heart and emptying it out when you get to share all that, 608 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:51,400 even to the ugly cry, you know where snots running down your 609 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:56,600 nose and you're just like, It will help it release some of the 610 00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,900 pressure. I've loved that. 611 00:30:58,900 --> 00:31:01,800 Thank you so, so much for sharing, so much, wisdom and 612 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:04,400 insight. And this is such a valuable 613 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,900 conversation that I know is going to help so many people. 614 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,300 Your website will be in the show notes, do you have any social 615 00:31:09,300 --> 00:31:11,800 medias that people can follow you at if they want to keep 616 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:15,900 consuming your content. So I'm on Instagram and Facebook 617 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,600 for sure. They can find me there, I will 618 00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:20,900 be on Tick Tock soon, I'm trying that out. 619 00:31:20,900 --> 00:31:24,000 So, that's probably why you say Doug? 620 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:27,800 And definitely a chair Brubaker.com. 621 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:31,100 And we have a book coming out called hope he'll recover and 622 00:31:31,100 --> 00:31:33,800 they'll be able to find that on Amazon at the end of October. 623 00:31:34,100 --> 00:31:35,800 Perfect. All in this episode comes out. 624 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,300 It will be past that date so I will put that link in the show 625 00:31:38,300 --> 00:31:40,500 notes. You guys can get Sharon's book. 626 00:31:40,900 --> 00:31:42,200 Thank you. So so much. 627 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:44,600 You so much for listening to this week's episode of she 628 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:46,500 persisted. If you enjoyed, make sure to 629 00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:48,000 share with a friend or family member. 630 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,300 It really helps out the podcast and if you haven't already leave 631 00:31:51,300 --> 00:31:54,800 a review on Apple podcasts or Spotify, you can also make sure 632 00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:57,600 to follow along at at she persisted podcast on both 633 00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,900 Instagram and Tik-Tok and check out all the bonus resources 634 00:32:00,900 --> 00:32:03,300 content and information on my website. 635 00:32:03,300 --> 00:32:06,600 She persisted podcast.com, thanks for supporting, keep 636 00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:08,400 persisting and I'll see you next week.