1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:01,680 Welcome to sheep persisted. The Gen. 2 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:04,360 Z mental health podcast. I'm your host, Sadie Sutton. 3 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,400 Let's get into it. I think we're best positioned to 4 00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,800 help the person who we once were. 5 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:14,760 And for me, that's someone who is stuck living in what I 6 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:18,800 describe as quiet desperation. Because you're living this 7 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:21,960 inauthentic being. Almost as if you show up every 8 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:25,960 day wearing what I describe as a mask of pretense, hiding really 9 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,040 who you are because you're afraid to show your real self, 10 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:32,080 because you're trying to conform to what everyone else wants you 11 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:34,000 to be. Hello, Hello you guys, and 12 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,880 welcome back to, she persisted. We have a good conversation 13 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,880 today that will leave you inspired and motivated and ready 14 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,720 to take action in your life. We have John R Miles on the 15 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,360 podcast. He is a former U.S. 16 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:48,200 Navy officer, Fortune 500 senior executive, entrepreneur, author, 17 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:51,400 and award-winning podcast host. He's a recognized expert on 18 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,000 intentional behavior. Change leadership, personal 19 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,480 mastery, and the transformative. Power of mattering We talk about 20 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:01,000 so much in this episode, a theory that explains why so many 21 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,160 people struggle with their career. 22 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,400 We talked about how to. Start discovering your authentic 23 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,520 self. And your purpose in life, what 24 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,120 your stuck points are, and how you. 25 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,880 Can work on healing them, positive psychology which you 26 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,000 guys know I'm a huge fan of, and findings that are applicable to 27 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,000 self-control and agency. Why you should start being more 28 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:21,240 intentional, steps to take to increase your sense of mastery. 29 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:23,920 How to avoid negative self talk when trying to achieve your 30 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,680 goals. Signs that you're getting in 31 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,720 your own way, and what Gen. Z. 32 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,160 Should be doing to. Build their dream features like 33 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,120 I said. We go all over the place in this 34 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,920 episode. But a lot of really meaningful, 35 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:36,560 tangible takeaways on how you can build your dream life and 36 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,640 increase that sense of mastery and agency, which are really, 37 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,560 really important to feeling like you matter and have a sense of 38 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,160 purpose. So I hope you guys. 39 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,240 Love this episode as much as I did. 40 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:49,240 And with that, let's dive in. Well, Sadie, it's an honor to be 41 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,960 here. Thank you so much for letting me 42 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,560 join your incredible podcast. Of course, of course. 43 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,840 So to get started for you, we'll haven't heard your podcast, 44 00:01:56,840 --> 00:02:00,000 which is incredibly popular and I'm sure most people have at 45 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,960 least seen it on the podcast app before. 46 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,560 Can you give us a little bit of a background into your journey, 47 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:10,479 how you ended up in the mental health self improvement space 48 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,680 and specializing in passion and self development and all of 49 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:17,480 these areas? So looking back when I was your 50 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,640 age, I don't think I would have ever thought I'd be doing what 51 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:23,720 I'm doing today. I kind of always imagined myself 52 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:28,160 as being a professional athlete or I went in the military 53 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:32,960 because I always saw myself doing outdoor type of 54 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,200 activities, things where I wasn't constrained to a desk. 55 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:42,000 And for me, that whole life shift kind of happened when I 56 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,840 was coming out of the military and I had an appointment to go 57 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:51,160 to the FBI Academy where I was totally psyched to become an FBI 58 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:52,880 agent. And I had been working very 59 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:58,800 closely with the FBICIADEA during my last duty station 60 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,080 where I was doing counter drug interdiction operations. 61 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,720 But as fate has it, sometimes life doesn't go the way we 62 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:09,360 expect. And I'm about 3-4 days away from 63 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:13,240 going to Quantico when Congress can't pass the budget. 64 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,200 Was one of the first times this had ever happened in my class. 65 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:19,920 Got recycled. And naively I thought at first 66 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:23,920 that when it got recycled that meant a few weeks or a couple 67 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:28,200 months. And I quickly found out that it 68 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:32,120 meant somewhere between 24 months to 48 months. 69 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:36,920 And I had no Plan B at the time, because who thinks your Quantico 70 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:42,360 class is going to get canceled? So it ended up forcing me to 71 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:46,240 kind of go into a career trajectory I never expected. 72 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:50,080 So the transition from the military to the civilian world 73 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:55,360 is never easy, but it's more difficult when you have no Plan 74 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,880 B and you weren't expecting this to happen. 75 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:04,560 And so I quickly did the only thing I knew that might work, 76 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,560 and that is I went to the Naval Academy at that. 77 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,000 And that at that point in time, we didn't really have the 78 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,680 Internet. So we had this big book that was 79 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:18,720 about 400 pages long that had every living graduate who went 80 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,800 to one of the service academies. And I just randomly started 81 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,720 going down the list and calling people and writing them letters. 82 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,880 And I ended up getting a job as a result at Booz Allen doing 83 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:32,480 management consulting. And that kind of took me on the 84 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:37,760 next 20 year period of my life where I went from working there 85 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:41,560 to becoming a practice leader at Arthur Andersen. 86 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:47,600 Then I hit my next unexpected event because in a matter of 5-6 87 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:51,200 weeks, Arthur Andersen disintegrated because of the 88 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,960 Enron debacle that we were in the epicenter of. 89 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,360 And so I was yet left again to pivot. 90 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:02,960 And this time I went into industry and I spent after this 91 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:07,520 point in time that remaining probably 14 years that I was 92 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,520 doing this career working for Fortune 50 companies like 93 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:15,400 Lowe's, Dell and others. And I think as I was on this 94 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:19,840 journey, I found myself at a place that I often talk about in 95 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:23,560 the book where I really felt like I was stuck. 96 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:27,920 There's this theory called self discrepancy theory, where you 97 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:32,560 have your actual self, which is who you are at the given moment. 98 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,680 And then you have your aught self, which is who you think you 99 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:40,440 should be, which is really driven by our childhood societal 100 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:43,440 expectations, etcetera. And then you have your ideal 101 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:47,320 self, which is who you could be. And I definitely at that point, 102 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:51,800 as I was in a period of soul searching, recognize that I had 103 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:57,040 reached the state where I was living my aught self and I was 104 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,520 really unfulfilled, didn't feel like anything that I was doing 105 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:04,520 was really mattering. And so at this point in time, I 106 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:08,520 went to a guidance counselor. You could say for those I know 107 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,600 you've got a younger audience, but it was a career coach. 108 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:16,040 But as I was talking to this person, he asked me to imagine 109 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:19,400 my life as if I was sitting on a kitchen stool. 110 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:24,640 Whoever the stool had multiple supports, but one was completely 111 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,040 out of alignment with the others. 112 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:30,960 And that was the constant grind that I had found my life to be 113 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,600 at that time. And then he had me do an 114 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,400 exercise where he pictured my life differently and I could put 115 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:42,040 any pillar that I wanted or any post underneath that stool. 116 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:46,080 And so when I started to rethink my life, I thought of the things 117 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,640 that would make me whole, and that was my physical health, 118 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,920 mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, relationship 119 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:58,000 health, financial health. And so as I looked at how do you 120 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,600 close that chasm? That's what really led me on the 121 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,920 journey to where I am today, because it sent me on this 122 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:10,960 profound search of how do I become my authentic self and how 123 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:14,680 do I improve my health, my mental health, All these 124 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,760 alternative health practices that I now talk about on the 125 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:22,560 Passion Struck podcast. I think this idea of an 126 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:26,080 authentic self is something that a lot of young adults can relate 127 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:27,800 to. It's something that's really, 128 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:31,560 really common to struggle with. And your 20s, especially as 129 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,680 you're talking about, you're on this path of what you should be 130 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,000 doing. You're kind of going through the 131 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:39,080 motions and trying to get this person that you want to be. 132 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,360 And you find out that sometimes the goals that you've had maybe 133 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:43,880 aren't aligned with who you want to be. 134 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,840 Or you get to the graduation or the job that you want to be in 135 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,520 or the school that you thought you wanted to go to and it's not 136 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,600 how you thought it would be. It's different from how you 137 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,680 expected it to feel and what the day-to-day would look like and 138 00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:00,200 how that would impact your mental health and and Wellness 139 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,800 as a whole. In your experience, how did you 140 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,400 really conceptualize and understand that authentic self 141 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,720 and know how to find that in your life? 142 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,240 Because like you're saying, it can be really challenging to get 143 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,280 that mixed up with who you think you should be or the goals you 144 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:20,120 have for yourself versus what really is aligned with with your 145 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,000 yourself as a person. Yeah. 146 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,560 So I can think about this from two different perspectives. 147 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:29,000 One, my own perspective, but two, I'm the father of two kids. 148 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:33,559 My son is 25 and my daughter, like you, is 20 and is a 149 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:38,480 sophomore now, a junior in college, also at school right 150 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,200 now. So I've seen it from both 151 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,919 perspectives. Especially my son as he's 152 00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:48,840 himself is trying to formulate things in his life that are 153 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,960 meaningful because he doesn't want to regret the life he 154 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,960 creates. Which I know for him over the 155 00:08:55,960 --> 00:09:00,520 past couple of years has been a pretty dynamic time of self 156 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:04,040 reflection, figuring out what really provides him passion and 157 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,640 purpose. And it's interesting, I 158 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:11,880 interviewed someone named Andreas Widmer, and Andreas 159 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,280 founded the Business School that's at the Catholic 160 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,680 University of America in Washington, DC. 161 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:22,040 But long ago, when Andreas was your age, he was really 162 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,120 listless. He had no idea what he wanted to 163 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,720 do. And his parents encouraged him, 164 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,960 because he's from Switzerland, to put his name in the hat to 165 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,120 become a Swiss Guard. He never thought in a million 166 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:35,320 years he'd be selected. And then about 18 months later, 167 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,920 he finds himself being one of the core guards of Pope John 168 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:42,560 Paul the 2nd. And he tells me that the Pope, 169 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:47,320 even though he had these immense responsibilities, when you were 170 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,200 in his presence, he made you feel as if you were the only 171 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,800 thing on earth that mattered. And he could sense that Andreas 172 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:58,320 was really struggling with this identity crisis and finding who 173 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,920 he authentically was. And so we started to coach him 174 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:06,720 that that's really the journey in life is to figure out what 175 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:11,400 are those unique skills that you can exploit in the service of 176 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,880 helping someone else. And so for me, what this really 177 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,480 translated into at this point was I think we're best 178 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:23,160 positioned to help the person who we once were. 179 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:29,760 And for me, that someone who is stuck living in what I described 180 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:34,520 as quiet desperation because you're living this inauthentic 181 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,440 being almost as if you show up every day wearing what I 182 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:42,520 describe as a mask of pretense, hiding really who you are 183 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:46,080 because you're afraid to show your real self because you're 184 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,120 trying to conform to what everyone else wants you to be. 185 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:53,960 So I think the, you know, as I tried to wrangle myself out of 186 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:59,360 this and obviously over time it takes much longer to break this 187 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,880 cycle and it does when you're young because you become more 188 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,200 conditioned. I think of it or liken it to 189 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,760 depression. Typically you don't go from not 190 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,640 having depression to depression overnight. 191 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:14,040 It typically, at least from my experience, is this thing that 192 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,200 builds up gradually over time to a point that it has a hockey 193 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:21,920 stick moment and all of a sudden it goes from mild or moderate to 194 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,400 severe. And I think the same thing with 195 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:28,600 our identity crisis is in life. And so the way you've got to get 196 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,240 yourself out of it is also going to take much longer than you 197 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:37,440 expect it to take. So I encourage people to find a 198 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:41,600 center foundational point that you can start working on. 199 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:46,360 For me, it revolved around healing past trauma because I 200 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:49,080 had a lot of stuck points that I hadn't dealt with earlier in 201 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:53,200 life that we're now really becoming huge boulders that were 202 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,720 holding me back. But it could be different 203 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,840 things. Perhaps for someone it's their 204 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:02,560 body image or perhaps it's a self-confidence issue. 205 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:07,480 Whatever it is, I encourage you to define what that is and 206 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,920 double down on it. Because what I found through 207 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:16,160 really working through that trauma was that when you start 208 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,400 working on one area of your life and taking incremental steps 209 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:25,200 there, it also starts impacting other areas of your life in the 210 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,800 most unexpected ways until you're really rebuilding all 211 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:33,760 components of who you are. And I find it we overcomplicate 212 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,800 what it takes to take that initial action. 213 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,520 And we think it has to be this large thing when really it all 214 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:44,360 boils down to small actions that we start taking over a prolonged 215 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,880 period of time. Yeah. 216 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,480 How you identify these stuck points? 217 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,760 Obviously, maybe in the day today we're not feeling 218 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:54,360 fulfilled or you don't feel like you're aligned with your 219 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:57,360 authentic self or you're struggling to show up in the way 220 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,000 that you, you know, you're capable of. 221 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:02,560 But how can you determine like where, which boulder to start 222 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:06,200 with, which stuck point is the first one that you should 223 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,720 identify and start chipping away at? 224 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,480 Because I think that's something that a lot of young adults 225 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,480 struggle with. It feels there's like a lot of 226 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,480 areas of their life that aren't where they want them to be or 227 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,000 they're not aligned. Everything kind of needs work at 228 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,920 that point. So how do you identify what is 229 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,480 ineffective and where it's best to put? 230 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,680 Your energy well in my. Case it might be a little bit 231 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:31,920 differently because I went out and I sought professional help. 232 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:34,880 So I went through something that's called cognitive 233 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,560 processing therapy, which is a form of cognitive behavior 234 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:42,640 therapy where you do these intense sessions over a period 235 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,400 of three months. Basically where you're going 236 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:50,640 through the different incidences of trauma that you've had. 237 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:55,280 And then through that, you're trying to identify the core 238 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:59,400 issue that has caused you the most pain, which in times can be 239 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,960 difficult because often times people have gone through, 240 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,400 unfortunately, multiple issues dealing with trauma. 241 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:11,640 But I think regardless, it's what is the biggest fear or self 242 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,600 doubt that seems to be holding you back? 243 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:18,640 That would be, to me, the starting point that you have to 244 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,000 gravitate towards solving. You know, for me, one of the 245 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:27,560 biggest things was I had been so disappointed time and time again 246 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:32,080 by authority figures in my life that I began to think that all 247 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:36,040 authority figures were out to get me and were in it for 248 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,200 themselves and not for my betterment. 249 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:42,200 Which when you start really analyzing that and you look at 250 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:47,160 96% of your interactions, that's absolutely not true. 251 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:51,480 So you have to go through this process of really understanding 252 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:56,120 what is reality and what is this make believe image that you keep 253 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:59,680 presenting to yourself that you need to just tackle. 254 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:04,560 Yeah, you mentioned two things in your response to the first 255 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:08,080 question that I absolutely loved one was the concept that you're 256 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:12,280 best equipped to help someone that is in a situation you've 257 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,360 been in previously. And I think that's exactly what 258 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,320 I found with the podcast. And then going down the 259 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:21,440 educational path of psychology, I think it's it's really true. 260 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,240 And I think it takes a lot of work to be able to articulate 261 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:28,400 what was helpful for you and how best to support someone in that 262 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,120 situation. But I think like you're saying, 263 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,640 the level of fulfillment and authenticity you feel when 264 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,840 you're you're in that position is unparalleled. 265 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,960 And similarly, finding a way that you can be of service to 266 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,800 others. And I took a science of 267 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,560 well-being class this semester with Doctor Seligman, which was 268 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:46,040 so incredible and so much fun. And one of the things he really 269 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,640 shared early on was that the fastest and most sustainable way 270 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:53,240 to boost your mood and increase feelings of happiness is to do 271 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,960 an active service for someone else. 272 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,480 It has the biggest impact on your mood and also last longer 273 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,120 than other acts of similar nature. 274 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,320 And so I think when you're feeling lost and struggling with 275 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:08,000 maybe not feeling aligned with your authenticity or not sure 276 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,720 how to begin this journey of personal development or building 277 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,800 your life worth living. I think those are two really 278 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,920 concrete ways to start that have a really immediate and strong 279 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,480 ROI, which I think is very encouraging, and building hope 280 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,640 and building up that momentum because it is a really long 281 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,960 journey like you meant. Yeah. 282 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,800 Well, Marty is quoting the work from Dacker Keltner from the 283 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,600 University of California, Berkeley, out of his book called 284 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:34,920 Awe. Where? 285 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:39,040 I mean, that's where his 25 years of studying came to that 286 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:43,400 really grand conclusion that it's not only in moments of 287 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:47,960 splendor, seeing a newborn or witnessing people do amazing 288 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,960 feats that we find on the most common way we we actually find 289 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:56,280 it is by either doing acts of service ourself or watching 290 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,800 others perform acts of kindness to one another. 291 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,760 Yeah. I'm interested in the classes 292 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:05,200 that you've had with Marty. Has he talked about at all the 293 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,160 concept of mattering and the importance of significance in 294 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,599 life? Yeah. 295 00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:13,319 So this was actually the first time he's taught undergrads in 296 00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:15,200 eight years. And I unfortunately don't think 297 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,800 he's going to do it again very soon. 298 00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:22,040 And he structured it as like a 180° overview of all of his work 299 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,839 and all the research he's done and kind of the roots of 300 00:17:24,839 --> 00:17:28,160 positive psychology and learned helplessness, and then all the 301 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,720 research that has been done. And then where he sees it going 302 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,160 in the future and how AI ties into everything because that's 303 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:37,840 such a hot topic. But feelings of mattering and 304 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,240 and belonging we definitely touched on. 305 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,120 And one thing that we learned about is the resilience training 306 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,840 work that they did with the military and how such an 307 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:49,320 important element of that was those feelings of belonging and 308 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,840 mattering. And another thing that he 309 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,920 touched on that was related as well, but also I think very 310 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:59,120 similar as agency and that belief that you can make changes 311 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,680 and that those changes will have a positive impact on your life 312 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,120 and that you can in some way change the world to a degree. 313 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,600 And having that belief that you have that ability. 314 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,560 And I think that goes really hand in hand with feeling like 315 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,280 you belong and matter and have some role in this larger world 316 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,360 that we live in. But we talked a lot about 317 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:20,440 relationships and how those interactions in relationships 318 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,800 have to look, how many positive correspondences you have to have 319 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:28,200 for it to be an enjoyable relationship to be in, and what 320 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,760 types of relationships the happiest people have. 321 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,960 And a big element was that mattering and feeling 322 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,880 significant in your larger world. 323 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,400 And then obviously with perma accomplishment is a huge part of 324 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,160 that. And so he definitely did touch 325 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,600 on that. Yeah, I know. 326 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:46,080 I my understanding talking to Angela Duckworth, friend of mine 327 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,240 is that Marty is kind of dedicating this last chapter of 328 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,400 his life to the science of matter and which is really 329 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,840 important because and what he's talking about with personal 330 00:18:55,840 --> 00:19:01,160 agency is similar to what Angela studies with the concept of 331 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,480 self-control or the science of self-control. 332 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:08,520 And it's overlaps, both of them overlap with what I describe in 333 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:12,800 my work as intentionality or intentional living. 334 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:18,320 Meaning I think Angela got a lot right with grit in describing 335 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:22,040 passion and perseverance. As I look at her study of cadets 336 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,960 at West Point, I had a first hand experience with this going 337 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,400 to the Naval Academy. And although I agree with her, 338 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:32,440 the passion of perseverance were two absolutely critical things 339 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:36,080 that helped me get through it. To me, one of the most important 340 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,960 aspects of it was having that personal agency, that 341 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:44,880 self-control, or what I describe as intentionality in my daily 342 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,640 actions. Because regardless of what 343 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:52,480 you're doing, you really have to understand that are the actions 344 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:56,840 that you're taking, are they really aligned to your values? 345 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:02,400 And then, more importantly, there's an interdependency then 346 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,680 between the actions we take in the pursuit of our ambitions and 347 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,040 aspirations. And that's what a lot of people 348 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:13,000 don't get right, is that intentionality of aligning all 349 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,440 four of those things. And often times we think that 350 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,120 they're not tied together, they're not related. 351 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:23,160 And that's just not the way from my research, it works. 352 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,440 They're actually very interrelated and dependent on 353 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,880 one another. Yeah, I'm taking Angela's class 354 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,000 this fall and I'm so excited. It's like I wrote about it in my 355 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,360 pen essay. I was like, I can't wait to take 356 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,160 a class with Angela Duckworth and it'll be, it'll be 357 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,040 incredible. I've heard amazing things with 358 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,120 how she structures it and there's lots of group projects 359 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:46,280 and involvement where it's the doctor Selkman's class was like 360 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,920 a very large class. Understandably, there was like 361 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,240 at least 300 people. And so I, I think it'll be 362 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:55,000 really, really fun to learn from her and obviously read so much 363 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,960 of her research. But I think being in the 364 00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,320 classroom and really putting those things into practice will 365 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,280 be really cool. Well, if you're taking those 366 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,520 two, you got to take a Katie Milkman class as well. 367 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:07,680 Yes, 100%. So going back to what you said 368 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,400 about intentionality, I think this is something that kind of 369 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,280 closes that gap like you're saying between where you're 370 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,320 currently at and where you think you should be. 371 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:20,160 And especially on a day-to-day basis, how we feel going through 372 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,560 the motions in the right word, but how we feel waking up in the 373 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,160 morning and going to work or going to school or showing up in 374 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:29,560 our relationships, how we feel in those day-to-day interactions 375 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,080 has a really big impact on our mental health, regardless of 376 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:36,040 what these commitments are. And I think our intentionality 377 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,320 has a really big role in that piece of that puzzle. 378 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,200 I think it's also something that young adults really haven't 379 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,320 mastered because there are so many things in their life that 380 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:49,240 are kind of by design forcing them to do these things. 381 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,960 Especially in high school, you have to get up and go to school. 382 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,360 Your parents are structuring a lot of your relationships. 383 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:57,480 You have this built in community, which is really 384 00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,400 positively impacting your mental health. 385 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,680 You have all these extracurriculars, You have your 386 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:04,760 physical health, aspects of your Wellness taken care of. 387 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,160 And then as we become more independent and are living on 388 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,960 our own and are kind of in this in between stage and college, we 389 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,120 are the ones that are actually being intentional rather than 390 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:16,320 going through the motions because these constructs have 391 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,840 been put in place. So I know there's so many 392 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:22,080 schools of thought here, whether it's habit loops or different 393 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:25,680 ways that we reinforce things or tying these different actions to 394 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:29,280 our values, so many different ways that people try to approach 395 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:30,640 this. But what is your school of 396 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,080 thought here of how we can increase that intentionality and 397 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,720 close that gap between where we are and where we want to be? 398 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:41,880 I wrote a whole book on it, yes. So I boiled it down to what I 399 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,560 call the Passion struck framework. 400 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:48,320 And the passion struck framework is part of an overarching larger 401 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,400 model that I call the Passion struck model. 402 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,920 And in this model, for a person who's listening, I want you to 403 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:57,600 imagine that you're looking at Mickey Mouse, or it could be 404 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,960 Minnie Mouse. But in this model, think of the 405 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,680 two ears on Mickey Mouse. For me, one of those represents 406 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:10,120 mindset shifts. And to me the mindset shifts are 407 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:16,000 our starting point because they really influence our why, our 408 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:21,360 purpose for why we go about our lives and they influence how we 409 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:25,200 take action. And then the other ear are our 410 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,840 behavior shifts. And our behavior shifts is 411 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:32,720 really the what we do and how we do it. 412 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,840 And it really builds upon those mindset shifts. 413 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:40,560 And when you bring those two together, it then comes into 414 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:44,520 Mickey Mouse's nose, which I call the psychology of progress, 415 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,360 which has two components. If you think of the nose and the 416 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:51,840 mouth, one is the process of deliberate action, taking action 417 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,720 in your life. And the other element is 418 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:59,480 intrinsic motivation, where so many of us today really use 419 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,720 extrinsic motivators to fuel our fires. 420 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,640 I argue that it's the intrinsic motivators, those things that 421 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:10,560 really bring you fulfillment that are really this fuel that 422 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,480 powers the mindset shifts, the behavior shifts, and the 423 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,680 willingness to take deliberate action. 424 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:22,000 And then I couple this with passion and perseverance. 425 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:28,440 Passion lines up with igniting that mindset shift area or 426 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,760 finding our why. The perseverance really gets 427 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,760 into the behavior shifts because we need to persevere beyond 428 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,920 challenges, and then intentionality is really 429 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,280 connected to the deliberate action that we need to take. 430 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,920 So that's how I've kind of organized the book. 431 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:49,280 And then in each of the mindset shifts and behavior shifts, 432 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:54,200 there are 6 core steps that I'd suggest people take on building 433 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:56,960 each one out. I want to shift gears a little 434 00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:00,120 bit, but it really does build off of this model and this 435 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,640 framework, which is talking about mastery. 436 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,920 Because another Doctor Seligman perspective is that the opposite 437 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,160 of helplessness is mastery. And a lot of what we've 438 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,280 described here with feeling like you're not aligned with your 439 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,760 true self or you don't know how to get to where you want to be, 440 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,760 or you're struggling to find that passion and perseverance in 441 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,680 a lot of ways, like you're saying, it feels like you're 442 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:20,200 helpless. Sometimes it shows up as 443 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:23,560 feelings of depression. It's really that inability to 444 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:26,560 take action and feel like you are capable of doing that. 445 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:28,600 And mastery is the the inverse of that. 446 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,640 And a lot of your work is really related to that concept. 447 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,120 And I think this is another thing that young adults want to 448 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,360 improve and they want to increase in their life. 449 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:39,880 They want to have more mastery, but they're not sure how to do 450 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,280 it. Is there a certain part of the 451 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:46,240 framework or certain tasks that you give people that can help 452 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,960 them increase their mastery in their lives, especially when 453 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,440 they're new to this process and they haven't gone through the 454 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,400 whole framework or the whole model yet? 455 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,640 Yeah. I mean, to me, mastery is 456 00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:00,720 something that we tend to look at the end goal. 457 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:05,640 Let's say that the end goal is I want to learn how to play guitar 458 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,600 or I want to learn a foreign language. 459 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:12,000 And it seems so daunting that we don't even start to go down the 460 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:16,040 path of performing it. And I think that they're couple 461 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:20,760 things here that we need to think about. 1 is this whole 462 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:24,280 concept of activation energy, which I'm not sure if you've 463 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:28,520 ever heard of it, but activation energy, if you think of two 464 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:32,280 accesses, 1 access would have energy on it. 465 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,600 The other access would have intentionality on it. 466 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,760 And just think of yourself as starting a task. 467 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:43,720 And this task, if you want to picture this, could be a person 468 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:47,520 who is trying to roll a boulder up a hill. 469 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,520 And at first, when you're starting that activity, that 470 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,800 activation energy is extremely high because you're going 471 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,080 against a lot of gravity, a lot of friction. 472 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:01,120 And so when you start pushing it, it takes a ton of effort, 473 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,440 but the more you start putting positive energy behind it, the 474 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:09,160 more it becomes easier and you're lowering the activation 475 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:13,040 energy. One of the key things to doing 476 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:16,520 this and becoming a master is to find ways to lower that 477 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:20,240 activation energy to undertake more tasks. 478 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:24,440 The other thing, and you brought up habit loops is taking action 479 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:29,280 again, doesn't mean huge heroic, you know, Hercules type 480 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,120 activities. It's really taking incremental 481 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:38,720 steps by forming small habits, meaning saving $8 a day equates 482 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:42,360 to $3000 a year. Reading 20 pages a day equals 30 483 00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:45,360 books a year. Walking 10,000 steps a day 484 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,640 equals 70 marathons. So if you can start lowering 485 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,760 that activation energy and you can start taking more 486 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:55,960 incremental actions, those are two extremely important steps. 487 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,920 And then the third important step is something I write about 488 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:03,600 in a chapter called the bee in the Turtle Effect, where we need 489 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:07,160 to be like the bees where we're taking the action and lowering 490 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,800 that activation energy like they do because they're very much 491 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:14,800 caught up in the day-to-day work that they need to do to support 492 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:18,240 the hive and the queen bee. But we need to be like the 493 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:22,720 tortoise in that we need to have that longer term vision of where 494 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,040 we're trying to go and ensure that there's an alignment, like 495 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:30,160 I talked about earlier, between these incremental things that 496 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:34,520 you're doing, this master you're forming and what you want it to 497 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:39,280 accomplish down the line. So in order to do that, I think 498 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,280 as you're taking these steps, it's very important to give 499 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:47,360 yourself residual rewards along the way and to not get caught up 500 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:51,680 at trying to compare yourself to others. 501 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:54,280 And this goes into the work of Benjamin Hardy. 502 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:58,560 We're so often times as we're trying to master something, we 503 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,400 become our own worst enemies because we're living in the gap. 504 00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:05,000 We're trying to compare ourselves to someone else as 505 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,440 opposed to living in the gain where we're looking at our 506 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:11,040 incremental progress and comparing it to who we were a 507 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,520 month ago, six months ago, a year ago. 508 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:18,800 So those are some some tips that that I would initially give out 509 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,880 that people really need to think about. 510 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,000 You mentioned this a little bit at the end with not comparing 511 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,440 yourself and focusing on the small steps rather than getting 512 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,400 so caught up in the outcome or what it is that you're trying to 513 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,480 master. But having done so much research 514 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:36,040 and talking to so many people and doing so much self work as 515 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:40,600 well, I would love to get your perspective on kind of the self 516 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,840 talk elements of this. There's again, lots of schools 517 00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:44,840 of thoughts on this, whether it's more of like a tough love 518 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:47,520 approach or it's you don't think about it, you just do it. 519 00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:49,840 And then there's more of like they give yourself grace and 520 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:52,680 there's more validation and kind of talking yourself through it. 521 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:57,880 How do you explain and recommend that people navigate the mental 522 00:29:57,880 --> 00:29:59,800 part of this? Because I think a lot of people 523 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:02,080 get caught up in that. That's kind of why they aren't 524 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:04,000 able to take these steps. It's how they're speaking to 525 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:07,560 themselves or they are talking themselves out of it at some 526 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:10,000 point. So what are your thoughts on the 527 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:13,520 mental component of that, which I'm sure ties into the CBT that 528 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:15,640 you mentioned initially? Yeah. 529 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:18,440 So since you mentioned Angela Duckworth, one of her best 530 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,680 friends is a friend of mine named Ethan Cross, who teaches 531 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,640 psychology at the University of Michigan. 532 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:26,640 Ethan's a New York Times bestselling author also, and 533 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:29,480 he's got a great book called Chatter that I would encourage 534 00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:33,960 listeners to pick up a copy specifically on this point 535 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:36,640 because it's really all about negative thought loops. 536 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:42,000 And something that I like to share with people is, especially 537 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,440 when you're young, it is so important. 538 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,920 We were talking about authenticity to understand that 539 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,760 the most incredible person that you were ever going to meet in 540 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:53,720 your entire life is the person who stares back at you in the 541 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:55,400 mirror when you wake up every morning. 542 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:58,560 But the biggest critic you're ever going to find in your life 543 00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:03,240 is that same person. And so we all face our biggest 544 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:06,480 competitor. I mean, Novak Yokovic had to 545 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:09,600 face his biggest competitor to become the number one tennis 546 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:13,000 player in the world. Angela Duckworth earlier on in 547 00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:17,480 her career had to face her own inner critic when she started 548 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:22,400 out teaching in inner City Schools and wasn't living up to 549 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:26,200 her own potential of what she was setting herself out to do. 550 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:31,880 And I refer to this whole thing is we often become our own 551 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:36,680 visionary arsonist. And I love this metaphor because 552 00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:39,760 we arson the very things in life that we want to accomplish, 553 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,680 meaning we have the best intentions for personal growth 554 00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:46,200 and achievement, but we do things that inadvertently 555 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:50,640 undermine our own progress. In a great example of this is 556 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:55,400 it's a kin to programming a destination into your GPS, but 557 00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,840 then repeatedly taking detours that take you farther and 558 00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:01,280 farther away from it. And this isn't due to a lack of 559 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:05,360 desire or ability, rather it's due to the subconscious 560 00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:09,360 behaviors that are misaligned with our intended objectives. 561 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:13,520 And so one of the most important things that people need to 562 00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:19,960 realize today is we are living in an age where distraction is 563 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:25,360 permeating our complete lives. And we spend so much time, 564 00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:29,720 especially people in your age group, on our devices. 565 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:35,640 I take Toastmasters with a with a woman who's 22 or 23 years old 566 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:41,160 who did a whole Toastmaster speech on the fact that she was 567 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:44,280 using her social media 4 1/2 to five hours a day. 568 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:47,240 And I don't think that that's an isolated thing. 569 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:53,560 And if you keep spending so much time on those apps, you end up 570 00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:56,920 comparing yourself to others like I was talking about. 571 00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:01,120 And you find yourself living in this gap that I talked about 572 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:05,840 South signs for you to understand whether this is 573 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:09,320 something that you're facing are are you setting unrealistic 574 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,120 goals? Do you face a lot of 575 00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:14,080 procrastination? Do you do a lot of negative self 576 00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:16,160 talk? Do you have avoidant behaviors? 577 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:21,640 And then to me, the starting point really becomes working on 578 00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,800 not getting sidetracked by the distractions, as I was just 579 00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:29,920 talking about, but a gradual shift into a cycle of setting 580 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:34,760 goals that are hard enough that it's making you extend yourself, 581 00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,360 but are easy enough for you to complete. 582 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:41,680 And the more you start doing that, the more confidence you're 583 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:44,440 going to gain and the more you're going to start moving 584 00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:48,120 away from these visionary arsonist behaviors that are 585 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:50,000 holding you back. Yeah. 586 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:54,160 My last question that I want to ask you, it's a bit of a loaded 587 00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:56,920 one, but I'm excited to get your thoughts, which is, if you were 588 00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:00,320 in your teens and 20s right now, what would you do? 589 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,680 What books would you be reading? What podcast would you be 590 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:04,880 listening to? What goals would you be setting? 591 00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:09,400 Would you be prioritizing self talk or relationships or career? 592 00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:13,320 How would you approach building your life worth living and 593 00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:16,120 building your future and especially prioritizing your 594 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:18,719 mental health and yourself? Because I think that's something 595 00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:21,480 that sometimes we forget to prioritize, but it really is 596 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,199 everything when it comes to to building our life worth living. 597 00:34:24,199 --> 00:34:27,400 So how would you navigate this now having all of this 598 00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:30,199 perspective and insight and research in your arsenal? 599 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,880 Well, I mean, the first thing I would do is exactly what I did 600 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:37,760 to my two kids is I handed them a copy of my book because I 601 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:40,840 dedicated the whole book to them and their generation because 602 00:34:41,199 --> 00:34:44,120 that is what I'm trying to help people see. 603 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:49,159 We typically go into life like I did and we we think that we have 604 00:34:49,159 --> 00:34:52,560 to follow the structured approach that we've seen our 605 00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:56,520 parents and grandparents do, which is we're born, we kind of 606 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:58,320 go through the typical schooling system. 607 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:03,040 We go to college, we get a job, we get married, we have kids, we 608 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:07,560 continue our career, retire, go on some trips and eventually 609 00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:10,600 die. And there's a complete different 610 00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:12,640 way that you can navigate your life. 611 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:16,280 And it's really positioning yourself to move out of the 612 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:20,560 matrix that we are so taught to confine ourselves in and to do 613 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:24,520 life differently, which is what I try to talk about in the book 614 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,920 and what I'm doing now with my life and what I wished I would 615 00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:31,080 have done earlier. And one of the most important 616 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:35,480 things that people need to understand is that we as humans 617 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:39,280 are different from any other species on this earth because we 618 00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:43,000 were built to be the ultimate learning and adaptability 619 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:47,520 machine. And something that I find people 620 00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:52,120 don't practice enough is that constant learning and thinking 621 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:55,120 about the future that your generation is walking into. 622 00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:58,720 I mean, as I look back at this point 30 years ago from when I 623 00:35:58,720 --> 00:36:02,960 graduated college and the pace of change then that I thought 624 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:06,520 was high, and I look at what it is now. 625 00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:12,920 In just 30 short years, things have changed so rapidly that 626 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:18,880 this constant need to reinvent yourself and to relearn things 627 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:22,520 and to stay ahead of the trends that are going to be coming is 628 00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:24,960 going to be extremely crucial to your career. 629 00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,600 So those would be some of the things I would recommend. 630 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:33,720 Now, as far as books, some of the core books that I love, I 631 00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:36,480 mean, we've already mentioned a couple of the authors. 632 00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:39,440 Grit by Angela Duckworth is a great book. 633 00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:42,680 How You Change by Katie Milkman is a great book. 634 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,800 All of Jonah Berger's books, I love his book on invisible 635 00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:52,240 influence is a great one because toxic people and habits enter 636 00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:54,200 our lives and we often don't see them. 637 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:57,560 I think Hidden Potential by Adam Grant is a great book. 638 00:36:57,720 --> 00:37:02,480 Jim Quicks book about teach limitless and teaching yourself 639 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:06,120 how to speed read and how to use your mind differently is a 640 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:10,560 fantastic book. I think Will Cadera's influences 641 00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:15,520 on using what he calls unreasonable hospitality or 642 00:37:15,720 --> 00:37:18,440 going above and beyond and how you're serving other people is 643 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:22,160 an extremely good book. Bob Waldinger, who is a Harvard 644 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:26,360 professor, leads the Harvard Adult Study of aging currently. 645 00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:30,000 His book Good Life is an extremely fantastic book. 646 00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:33,360 Doctor Mark Hyman wrote a great book this past year around 647 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:37,520 future self and how you become the healthiest that you possibly 648 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,240 can be. I mean, those are just a few off 649 00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:42,200 the top of my mind. I mentioned Ethan Cross's book. 650 00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:46,560 Emma Capella has a great book called Sovereign, which tells 651 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:48,720 you the importance of sovereignty. 652 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,760 And then I think one of the most important books that's been 653 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:55,400 written in recent years was Transcend by Scott Barry 654 00:37:55,400 --> 00:38:00,200 Kaufman, which really gives an updated view of Maslow's 655 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,840 hierarchy. But I think he does it through a 656 00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:04,760 better metaphor of using a sailboat. 657 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:09,960 So as far as podcasts of people can listen to, I will give some 658 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:13,840 of the smaller ones that I have found, or maybe not the mega 659 00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:16,600 shows, but some of the other shows that I think are really 660 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,480 good. I think Scott Miller does an 661 00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:24,080 excellent show on leadership and he does that with the Franklin 662 00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:26,800 Covey Institute. So it's there on leadership. 663 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,440 He's got fantastic guests. He's a great interviewer. 664 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,840 I think Scott Barry Kaufman's podcast if you want to learn 665 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:36,720 more about positive psychology is a fantastic one. 666 00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:41,520 Obviously, Angela and Katie's podcasts are great and there any 667 00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:44,480 of the podcasts that come out of Freakonomics are great podcasts. 668 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:48,880 So I'd highly encourage those. James Doctor, James Doty has a 669 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:52,880 great podcast out on the West Coast and there are a lot of 670 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:57,320 podcasts that come out of Stanford and Berkeley that I 671 00:38:57,320 --> 00:38:59,560 have found very transformational as well. 672 00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:05,400 As far as I guess the the bigger podcast, I always like Rob Deals 673 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,920 podcast. I have always loved Lewis Howe's 674 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,600 School of Greatness. It's one that I studied 675 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:15,200 earnestly. Mel Robbins has a great podcast. 676 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:18,640 If you're in the manifestation, Gabby Bernstein has a great 677 00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:21,360 podcast. So I mean, those are just some 678 00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,680 off the top of my head. I love it. 679 00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,720 I'll be putting together a guide and putting it on Instagram so 680 00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:28,760 everyone can check it out. And I will definitely be working 681 00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:30,600 my way through your reading list. 682 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,800 So many of those, some I've read, some I haven't. 683 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,800 So I can't wait to check all of those out. 684 00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:37,680 And I know everyone's going to be running to grab your book 685 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:40,000 after this, but where can they get your book, listen to your 686 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,480 podcast and follow along on social media? 687 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,200 Yeah, thank you so much for that. 688 00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:47,640 I mean, the best few places to find me are either John or my 689 00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:50,920 middle initial miles.com or passionstruck.com. 690 00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:53,400 And you can find the book anywhere online. 691 00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:56,240 So Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Target, Walmart, wherever. 692 00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:58,920 Amazing. Well, all of that will be in the 693 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,200 show notes. Thank you so much. 694 00:40:00,240 --> 00:40:03,320 This was absolutely incredible. Thank you so much for having me.