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Happy Monday and welcome to your
mental Health mini. 

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This week's guest is Terry Cole.
And we are talking all things 

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boundaries. 
When I became a psychotherapist,

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I could not believe how it was 
like an epidemic of people 

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having no idea what their 
boundaries are, what boundaries 

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in general are. 
And it was the same thing that I

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suffered from myself. 
So in my own therapeutic 

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journey, I had to learn what 
boundaries were because what was

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happening is that I was in 
relationships, but I found 

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myself kind of bitter a lot of 
times. 

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I was feeling in my early 20s 
that people were like, quote UN 

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quote, taking advantage of me. 
And when I realized once I got 

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into therapy and started 
figuring things out is that I 

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was really serving myself up on 
a platter. 

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That process of turning that 
around in my own life really 

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changed my relationships and 
really changed the quality of my

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life. 
And then once I became a 

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therapist, I could see this 
happening with my clients, where

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every person who came in, no 
matter what their presenting 

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problem was, I could sort of 
follow the dots backwards and it

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would all get to the same place,
which was that they were also 

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bitter because they had no idea 
how to set their boundaries. 

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Let's start with what are 
boundaries, right? 

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I want you to think about your 
boundaries as your own personal 

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rules of engagement. 
This is how we let other people 

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know what's OK with us and what 
is not OK with us. 

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Your boundaries are made-up of 
your preferences, your desires, 

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your limits, and your deal 
Breakers, right? 

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And they're very unique, but we 
all have a right to them. 

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And the problem with this is 
that most people who sit on my 

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therapy couch don't really know 
their preferences, their limits,

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and their deal Breakers. 
Why they matter is because 

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that's who you are sharing them 
with the people in your life. 

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This is how people get to know 
us. 

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So the benefit is being 
accurately known. 

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You have to know yourself to be 
able to say, hey, that's not for

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me, it's not my thing. 
And what happens when you're 

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able to do that is that you have
self respect and other people 

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learn to respect you. 
So first you have to identify 

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what boundary is needed, right? 
What is, what is happening, 

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where you feel uncomfortable, 
Then you have to identify to 

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yourself what what is needed 
here, what is happening, what is

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not working. 
Now you're going to come up with

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the words that you're going to 
say. 

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And we can always start with 
sweetness. 

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We can always start with 
kindness. 

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So that is sort of the steps you
would take. 

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You would figure out what needs 
to happen. 

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You figure out the best time to 
have the conversation. 

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You can even visualize it going 
well. 

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And when I say going well, I 
don't necessarily mean the other

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person doing what you want them 
to do. 

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When I say it going well, I mean
you having the courage to assert

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the limit or the boundary with 
the person. 

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Just because we assert the 
desired boundary doesn't mean 

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we're never going to have to 
have a conversation about it 

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again, right, People? 
It's going to take a minute for 

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people to sort of get on the 
bandwagon of the changes that we

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want. 
And we can't be so tender or so 

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thin skinned that we're like, 
well, I mentioned it. 

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I'm never talking about it 
again, right? 

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You're probably going to have to
talk about it again, and that's 

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OK. 
Now, if somebody is trampling on

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your boundary 50 times, 
obviously this is a problem 

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after you've talked about it. 
If someone is what I call a 

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repeat boundary offender, then 
we have to attach a consequence 

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to the boundary if it continues 
to be violated. 

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But here's the thing. 
We have to be willing to follow 

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through on whatever the 
consequence we say is going to 

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be right. 
We can't threaten a consequence 

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'cause that isn't effective. 
It's getting clear in your own 

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mind what's an appropriate 
consequence 'cause I'm, I'm a 

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big believer in taking self 
protective action right? 

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We don't have to stay in 
relationships forever with 

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people if they are boundary 
bullies or boundary destroyers. 

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But there's such a huge space 
between people barely saying 

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anything about their boundaries,
which is how most people are, to

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people ghosting people or 
cutting people off from it. 

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When you start actually 
negotiating for yourself a 

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little bit, it becomes so much 
easier to just say, I would 

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really like this, or I actually 
don't like that, or I would like

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to do this instead. 
It doesn't always mean people 

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will agree, but at least there's
something really powerful about 

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you knowing yourself and you 
going for it. 

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One of the biggest ways that we 
feel unempowered in 

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relationships is when we give 
our power away, when we don't 

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feel like we have a choice, when
someone wants something from us 

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and we do not really in our 
hearts believe we can say no. 

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We feel like to hold on to the 
person, we must say yes to stay 

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in their good graces. 
And I think that the biggest 

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epiphany for most of my therapy 
clients is that even in those 

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situations, you actually do have
a choice. 

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And what makes you go from sort 
of being a boundary disaster to 

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a boundary boss is learning to 
exercise that choice. 

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And the more you do it, the 
easier it gets.