Welcome back to another episode of nevertheless, she persisted
your how-to guide. Happy place and support system
for navigating the ups and downs of Life.
Please share today's episode with your friends and family
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And as always, I'm not a licensed therapist.
Just a teenage, girl, hoping to help enjoy.
Alright, welcome back to another episode of nevertheless.
She persisted today. I'm here with my good friend
Stephanie, thanks for coming. Nevertheless, she persisted
Stephanie. Of course.
Thank you so much for having me, of course.
So can you introduce yourself to listeners?
Do a little bit about you and whose voice they're hearing in
their ears? Of course.
Hi everyone. I'm Stephanie.
I'm 16 and my free time. I really like to play soccer.
I'm also really into baking? Yeah.
And I'm super excited to be on this podcast today.
Awesome. So today we're talking about
breakup etiquette which is he such a big topic to cover.
There's like so many little things.
Stephanie, I talk about this all the time, like the number of
conversations. We've had like, over the phone
and over text about like, how do we break up with this person or
like is this like a good way to go about this or just seeing how
it goes with other people? We have so many opinions on
this, I thought she would be perfect to come on and way in
her opinion. So we can establish what is
important when breaking up with someone?
Because that is a huge issue that Teenagers have to navigate
and face. Absolutely.
We talk about this all the time and I think it's super, super
important that, you know, when you're going into this at, this
is something that you're considering, you make sure that
you consider all the possible outcomes and you're prepared and
you really know what you're getting yourself into totally.
So I've seen it be fun if we talk like a little bit we can go
back and forth and figure out like what the basics are what we
agree. You need to think about what the
protocol should be. And in the end I have some
Breakup Horror Stories. We want to go over those also.
So yeah, I think that's the layout will do.
But yeah. Do you have anything else you
want to add before we get started?
Let's Jump Right In. Alrighty, so the first thing I
would say is you really, really have to think about this
decision before you go into it like this.
Absolutely. Maybe you're the kind of person
who'd, like in an argument you're like we're done were
broken up Sheriff. Find do your thing when I am
like deciding Weather like I want to end a relationship or
not. I have to think about it for so
long and weigh the pros and cons out so much.
I'm the exact same way. I have to know that this is
exactly the right decision and that I'm fully committed to
separating away from this person.
And that it's not just, you know, we're going to take a
quick break and maybe we'll get back together later, but this is
actually a decision that I've made that I am not going to
pursue a relationship with this person any further, because I'm
not the type of person who's like, oh, like we're done
whatever, and then I move on. It's definitely a much more
serious consideration for me. Yeah, so I think we should first
talk about like what her reasons you should break up with someone
like just to get that out of the way, if any of these are like
things to experiencing or things that come to mind, maybe just
play around with the idea. Maybe talk to a friend asked
like I don't, like, I would never talk to my parents about
breaking up with someone, but like if you're close to your
parents like, maybe ask them, but thankfully kind of like a
friend, go to a sibling, maybe come to this podcast.
And if any of these like applied you apply to your Since it may
be, just be like am I in the right relationship?
Is this good for me? So, according to psychology
today, they say like the main red flags in a relationship or
lack of communication, somewhat being with someone that's like
irresponsible and mature. I'm predictable when there isn't
any trust that's a big red flag when your close family and your
close friends don't like your partner.
That's a, that's a really big red flag.
That's a really big one. Yeah, and that one's heart
because I I've been in relationships before where I've
been like my parents. Don't know this person, like
they haven't met them. They just have no reason to not
like them but honestly, looking back, the vibe that your friends
and family get from someone normally is right like in the
moment, I am the first person to like defend that person, the
end, like know, I like really, really like him.
Like, what are you talking about?
You just don't know him. Like he's really nice and funny.
Like Stephanie you probably know who I'm talking about with this.
Yes. See that's why I can't, but for
some That weakness and I'm like, no, no, like he's super nice.
But when you step back and after you're out of that relationship
or when you're in like a really good state of mind you're like
woah wait, hold on. Like no.
Like my parents didn't like him. My siblings thought he was kind
of odd. My close friends don't like
being around him. They're all right.
This guy's like a douche or whatever.
Right. What's?
So interesting is that we're often like such poor observers
of Our Own And chips because our friends and family can see how
the relationship is affecting us way better than we can.
Yeah, so it's really important to listen to what they have to
say and to take their advice. I would definitely.
Yeah. And then the rest of the red
flags, they say is like feel like we're really insecure about
your relationship. If the person you're dating has
like, like really keeps a lot of secrets about like their past
and what went on before. And another thing I want to
bring up about that like I am one person of course I'm very
open and vulnerable on this podcast about my With mental
health and my past related to that.
But in real life, when I'm getting to know, someone friends
or romantically, I definitely wait a little bit to share that
part of me or don't ever shared the entire thing because it can
be so like it's a lot to dump on someone.
It's a lot for them to handle and I have like my support
system and I know how to handle that myself.
So I think it's important to kind of draw the line of when
they're being secretive or like put a keeping things in the dark
purposely or they're respecting their own privacy and moving on
from Something emotionally. Absolutely.
And some other reasons I would say it's right to break up our,
you know, Less on the red flag side but more and just observing
your relationship. It's, you know if it doesn't
feel right anymore, if you're not, if you don't have the same
expectations for a relationship. So maybe one of you is looking
for more of a casual fling versus like a serious committed
relationship or even just like arguing more than you're having
fun. If it's if it's really That
feels forced and it seems like the chemistry is faded away.
Then maybe you should reconsider.
You know what that relationship is doing for you?
Yeah. Another thing is like if it's
verbally or physically abusive like that is a huge red flag and
I don't think we should get too far into that because I
personally haven't had a lot of experience with those kinds of
relationships. There's lots of different
protocols to go through when adding those relationships to
maintain your safety and your family's safety.
So we're not going to get into that.
This is just a little like Spiffs and issues in teenage
relationships that aren't affecting your like physical or
emotional, health severely. And if you are experiencing that
like a physically or emotionally, abusive
relationship, find an adult you trust, find a counselor, find a
therapist, find someone you can talk to about that, but again
maybe don't necessarily follow these.
Correct pieces of advice for that kind of relationship.
Yes. So with that being said, we
talked about like big red flag. Some other things, I think the
biggest And for me, it's like if you just like not attracted to
them anymore, I feel like there's been times when I really
want something to work. Like, I so badly.
Think like, I would like to like someone or there's no reason, I
shouldn't like them, but I'm just not attracted them, and I
wish I was like, I wish I really did like that saw a future
happened. I just remember your most recent
fling. Matt it was, we had all these
discussions about like how it seems so perfect on paper and
then, you know, when you're hanging out it just doesn't
click and That way that you want it to.
And I think it's really important to recognize that.
That's a totally valid reason for ending a relationship
romantically because it is totally fine if you enjoy
hanging out with that person to continue that relationship
platonically but it's a really important that you set your
expectations and you suck about these very clearly and that
there isn't any gray area there. Yeah, but this guy he was like
cute, he was really nice. Like he'd go and like, he'd take
me to dinner and he was so nice to my family.
He was like really Focus. And he was like, I'm friends
with our other friends of friends so it just worked really
well like double dates have been.
He was so nice and I was like I so badly.
Want this to work? This would be such a nice thing
for me and I just didn't every single time I hang out, hung out
with him. I was just attracted to him less
and less and less, and it was like, I so badly, wanted to work
it to work and I felt so bad about like, ending things with
him, but I just like, could it do it?
Like I wasn't attracted to him and I couldn't like it with a
good conscience. Go bald and continue to lead
Them on because I just didn't like him.
Now we're going to talk a little bit about like the steps you can
take if you want like a really outlined approach to breaking up
with someone. This is really because it's so
so important to not avoid this conversation because avoiding it
just prolongs it it doesn't make anything better and dragging
things out. Just makes it so much harder in
the long run because especially because you never want the
person you're breaking up with to hear it from someone else
before they hear it from you. So we wanted to make it as
simple as possible. To start having this
conversation to make it super, super clear, like what your goal
is and what your expectations and what's your most ideal
outcome from this conversation. Just so that you don't have any
reason to delay. If you follow these steps it's
going to be, you know, the easiest possible route to take.
Yeah, exactly. And yet, this isn't like the
longer you delay, it, they noticed like if you're really
connected to someone whether it's like a friendship, a family
member or a romantic relationship, when you're acting
different, when you're Withdrawing when you change the
way you are around them like they can tell they're going to
know. That's absolutely.
They're going to assume the worst.
They're going like, okay. I'm going to get dumped.
Why won't they just do it already.
So if you're up front and open a lot of the time, they will be
more. Like, I don't know if it'll make
the whole situation better but they will be more understanding
and open. And if you've been acting like
shady for days and you haven't been like reaching out or
talking to them because, you know, you're going to break up
with them and they don't know yet.
Exactly. Okay.
So the first step is that you're going to tell your significant
other that you have something important to talk about with
them. This is because it's really
important that you don't just hit with hit them with the like
we should break up out of the blue because that's can be kind
of insensitive like so but it's also really important though.
Exactly like that expecting. It's like oh my God like what
are you? It's awful.
Yeah, but also like when you're saying this, don't make them
nervous or worried that I'm just emphasize that a conversation
needs to happen and you should be good.
Oh, my God. Okay, so after like, we have to
also do a, how to handle getting dumped episode.
Yeah. Oh my God.
That's what babies to watch. Like, what foods to eat?
Like, what to do with your friends.
Oh my God! We should just do this every
week until we like run out of topics.
Literally have so many topics. Yeah, literally okay.
So the next step is to start by saying something that you like,
appreciate about the person. And we want to stay away from
the year really great. Like, I really like you, but but
say like we've been really close for a long time and you really
important to me or I really value like how honest we are
with each other. So I wanted to tell you this,
like, put a foundation for why you're being upfront, because
you value this relationship and because you do care about them
and because, you know, that they can have Not hearing this.
Exactly. And this leads directly to step
three, which is where you explain the main reason, why you
believe that you should break up and you have to be super, clear
super up front, some examples are but it just doesn't feel
right anymore. But I'm not ready to have a
serious relationship right now or but we're arguing more than
we're having fun just like give your main quick reason that
super clear and conveys exactly the main reason why you think
that you guys should split up Totally.
And I mean, I know it's hard. Like maybe the reason is like
you're not attracted to them and that's like awful to have to say
to someone's face. But hey, like I just don't find
you attractive like that doesn't mean that's awful.
I wouldn't want to say that to someone.
I'm sure it would be uncomfortable for other people
to say. So you can say like I like I
definitely pulled the card before where I'm like, I just
don't want to have a relationship.
It's a little bit of a cop-out but it's okay because we did.
But that's, that's that's gonna happen.
Because when you're younger and you're going up.
Everyone liked young listeners. You're gonna dannion that's bad
in hurt me. That's ok.
Sorry you're going to hit your sister your brother or siblings
like you're just not gonna like them until I would say when you
get in like your teens or they get set to treat.
Yeah. Or when you get in your teens
I'd say you develop relationship and it because that's like
struggle. So through struggle, you're
going to find So back to how our relationship changed, we
actually have one. Well was it?
What's that like The change or our relationship for what's it
like to actually have a relationship?
Um, I'd say that since like, Sadie's, like allowed to visit
us, that's sort of, like allowed us to have a relationship. and,
you know, I'd sit what I like is having A relationship where it's
kind of like a friend, like everyone in my family, our
family. Like my parents, my parents,
like we don't have like a friend relationship with them and I
feel like we're being Atticus are a little too young for us to
have a friend relationship with them yet.
So it's nice that I have someone where I can have like a friend I
can talk to like about stuff that I would talk about like a
friend that was really repetitive.
I'm so sorry. Like a friend but like a friend,
Try to transfer. So going back to like, when Mom
told you, I was sick. How did Mom and Dad explained
that to you and how is that different from what you
perceived When Mom and Dad told me that city was sick, I didn't
know that. That was sort of like, don't do
that. A realm where you could get
sick? No, no, no, I didn't know.
Mental health and illnesses were thing.
Why did because like I've we have like I've heard about
before but um wasn't introduced to it on like a level where I
knew the person like well, so I was confused.
See, you get asked where I am or people are aware that, like, I'm
not at home. Mmm.
What do I say, boarding school boarding school?
My friends is that awkward, is it?
Put you in a bad spot? Um, I I mean, like, it hasn't
put me in a bad spot because for me, like A lot of my friends
like their siblings have gone through similar things because
one of my friends their siblings have gone through similar
things. So like I talked to her about
that, we were able to connect, so I hope you're okay with this.
But like, with the people, I was close their emotions be patient
with that, and really just give them their space to have that
emotional experience. And then, what's best after that
is step, it just to give the other person space and let them
process that let them get through that.
Because if like, I know in my experience when And I've still
like someone the most difficult thing is being around them or
seeing them or still talking to them because even though they
don't have feelings like I still do and so it's awful to like you
still like someone and know that they don't like you back and you
still feel like the Dynamics have changed even though it's
changed for that and how they view it.
Exactly exactly. So just making sure that you're
only attempting to be friends with them, once you are
completely over the idea of dating them and you know, that
they're also completely over the idea of dating you It's really,
really important that you rate that you wait until you get that
get to that stage because you know, it can probably be pretty
- if you don't. Yeah, and there's like no
timeline for that. Everyone takes different amounts
of time to get over to relate relationships.
I know for me. Sometimes it's been years
before, I can find the bike. I'm don't like that person at
all. Like I would never picture being
in a relationship with them because I cared so much about
them and we were so close and other people just takes a couple
days a couple weeks especially if you're the one breaking up
with Oh, it's normally much easier to get over them and as
soon as you break up with them, like okay, we're done like easy,
wouldn't think about seeing them, but, when you're getting
dumped, sometimes it takes a really long time to get over
that and get to that get past that step of moving past the
relationship. Yeah, exactly.
Do you want to be featured on a future episode or questions you
want answered about therapy depression anxiety or life?
Do you want to share your story? Email inquiries at.
She persisted podcast.com or reach out via social media.
You can also head over to my website.
She persisted podcast.com and fill out the contact form
anonymously or with your name. I hope to hear from you.
So just to recap, Step One is warning.
I guess you're a so that you have something important to talk
to talk to them about step, two is start starting by saying
something you appreciate about them step three is explaining
the primary reason why you should break up step 4 is
really, really clearly. Calculating that you want to
break up. Step five is apologizing for
hurting them. Step 6 is saying something
positive. Step 7 is listening and step 8
is giving that other person's space.
So take notes people because this is the easiest way to make
sure that you and your significant other can
respectfully split apart from each other and you no longer
have an excuse to avoid the conversation.
All you need to do is those eight steps and boom, you are
officially going to be broke it up.
So some last like notes and details that we just want you to
think about when you are going through a breakup or whatever it
is that you are trying to do to end the relationship.
The first one is be firmed which is like, no apologies stick to
what you're saying. We talked about this and then
Dear Man episode. But you've decided you've
weighed the pros and cons, and you are firm with this decision.
You're not going to go back on it.
So keep and like, stay true to yourself with that decision that
you've made and don't like, I'm so sorry, you're right.
We should break up be firm. Exactly.
The second thing is to allow yourself to be sad, even though
you are the one who's initiating, The Break-Up, a
breakup is a sign of incompatibility and some things
that can be difficult to recognize and difficult to admit
and practicing when mindfully. And so, the Last Detail I'm
going to talk about for the house scales as some questions
to ask yourself, when practicing effectively So first you want to
exert observe when you're getting angry, when you're
feeling hostile, you're going to ask yourself is this effective?
You want to pay attention to when you start wanting to be
right instead of effective. So you're going to give up on
being, right? And try and switch, just being
purely effective. And this is truly one of the
hardest skills. For me.
I struggle a lot, especially with my parents, with choosing
to be effective instead of right?
I hold on really, really strongly two things.
I want things. I'm hoping for things I asked
them for being right? In the end of an argument or
whatever situation, it might be, I focus a lot on trying to hone
in on the effectiveness kill and really do my I best with this
especially with my parents. Another thing you want to do is
notice the willfulness in yourself.
You want to ask is this effective and drop that
willfulness and instead choose to be effective and notice how
that's different. Do you have questions, you want
answered about therapy, depression or anxiety, email
Sadie's, time Dot N SP at gmail.com or reach out via
direct messages on any of the nevertheless, she persisted
social media accounts, linked in today's episode notes.
You can also leave a voice message on I would love to hear
from you. Okay.
So the next part of the episode we're going to talk about loving
kindness. So first, what is love and
kindness loving-kindness. Is another scale.
It's a mindfulness practice designed to increase love and
compassion for ourselves. For our loved ones for friends.
And for those, we are angry with difficult, people enemies.
And in general, all beings, loving kindness can protect us
from developing and holding onto judgments ill-will and hostile
feelings towards ourselves and others.
Yeah. so practicing loving kindness is like saying a prayer
for yourself or someone else and it doesn't have to be religious,
it doesn't have to be attached to a higher power, you're
sitting and asking for something for yourself or someone else and
Good. Be asking your wise mind.
You could be asking your future self.
Your you just putting out this wish this hope into the
universe. So you're actively sending love
kind wishes and reciting in your mind words and phrases and
expressions good feelings towards yourself and others so
now that we've given a summary we're going to practice loving
kindness so I want you to sit down Whether you're sitting on a
chair, maybe you're laying down, you're going to notice where
your body is touching the floor. You're going to breathe deeply
gather, your breath breathing in.
And Dow. In through your nose.
After your mouth. so, choose the person that you want to send
loving kindness towards Don't want to pick someone that you
don't want to relate to with kindness and compassion.
Maybe start with yourself, or if that's too difficult, start with
a person you already love. going back to our breathing and out.
You can open the palms of your hands and picture the person
that you want to send love and kindness towards you're going to
radiate out that loving kindness by resetting.
A set of warm wishes If you're doing it for yourself, you may
say may be happy. May I be a piece, may I be
healthy, may I be safe, whatever, positive wishes you
have repeat these slowly focus on the meaning of each word.
As you say it in your mind. if you feel your thoughts drifting,
just go back, notice them come and leave and go back to your
words, you've recited May I be happy?
May I be at peace? May I be healthy.
May I be safe. You're going to continue this
until you feel yourself completely immersed in your
loving kindness. You're going to work yourself up
through loved ones, friends and those.
You are angry with difficult, people, enemies.
And finally, everyone If I was doing this say my parents be
happy, my-my parents feel peace. May they be healthy.
May they be safe listeners? May you be happy.
May you be at peace, may you be healthy?
May you be safe. To my friends, may they be
happy. May they be a piece?
May they be healthy? May they be safe?
To everyone, may they be happy, may they be at peace.
May be healthy. May they be safe.
You're going to end your practice by going back to your
breathing and After the mouth centering yourself, and
grounding yourself. And the goal is to practice this
everyday. Of course, whenever you have
time whenever you need that grounding, whenever you're
feeling particular tension with a person, maybe you just need a
little self love you. Can practice this loving
kindness skill, and you want to start with yourself in the move
on to others. And I know when I was at my
lowest point, when I so so, so much self hatred for myself.
I couldn't even think of positive, things of myself for
loving, myself, for being happy or healthy.
That was so so, so far Out Of Reach for me, so I would help
start with others. I would think about my friends,
I would think about my siblings. I would think about anyone that
I didn't know and gradually work towards the people.
I felt the most tension with. I would go and my parents would
move towards my siblings who I'd hurt.
And I would finally, finally, finally get to myself and that
was really, really uncomfortable and really tough.
So you just want to work through getting to everyone including
yourself and expressing that loving kindness.