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Welcome back to another episode 
of nevertheless, she persisted 

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your how-to guide. 
Happy place and support system 

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for navigating the ups and downs
of Life. 

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Please share today's episode 
with your friends and family 

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members and leave a review when 
Apple podcasts. 

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And as always, I'm not a 
licensed therapist. 

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Just a teenage, girl, hoping to 
help enjoy. 

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Alright, welcome back to another
episode of nevertheless. 

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She persisted today. 
I'm here with my good friend 

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Stephanie, thanks for coming. 
Nevertheless, she persisted 

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Stephanie. 
Of course. 

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Thank you so much for having me,
of course. 

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So can you introduce yourself to
listeners? 

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Do a little bit about you and 
whose voice they're hearing in 

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their ears? 
Of course. 

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Hi everyone. 
I'm Stephanie. 

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I'm 16 and my free time. 
I really like to play soccer. 

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I'm also really into baking? 
Yeah. 

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And I'm super excited to be on 
this podcast today. 

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Awesome. 
So today we're talking about 

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breakup etiquette which is he 
such a big topic to cover. 

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There's like so many little 
things. 

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Stephanie, I talk about this all
the time, like the number of 

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conversations. 
We've had like, over the phone 

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and over text about like, how do
we break up with this person or 

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like is this like a good way to 
go about this or just seeing how

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it goes with other people? 
We have so many opinions on 

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this, I thought she would be 
perfect to come on and way in 

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her opinion. 
So we can establish what is 

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important when breaking up with 
someone? 

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Because that is a huge issue 
that Teenagers have to navigate 

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and face. 
Absolutely. 

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We talk about this all the time 
and I think it's super, super 

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important that, you know, when 
you're going into this at, this 

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is something that you're 
considering, you make sure that 

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you consider all the possible 
outcomes and you're prepared and

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you really know what you're 
getting yourself into totally. 

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So I've seen it be fun if we 
talk like a little bit we can go

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back and forth and figure out 
like what the basics are what we

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agree. 
You need to think about what the

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protocol should be. 
And in the end I have some 

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Breakup Horror Stories. 
We want to go over those also. 

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So yeah, I think that's the 
layout will do. 

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But yeah. 
Do you have anything else you 

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want to add before we get 
started? 

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Let's Jump Right In. 
Alrighty, so the first thing I 

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would say is you really, really 
have to think about this 

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decision before you go into it 
like this. 

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Absolutely. 
Maybe you're the kind of person 

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who'd, like in an argument 
you're like we're done were 

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broken up Sheriff. 
Find do your thing when I am 

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like deciding Weather like I 
want to end a relationship or 

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not. 
I have to think about it for so 

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long and weigh the pros and cons
out so much. 

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I'm the exact same way. 
I have to know that this is 

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exactly the right decision and 
that I'm fully committed to 

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separating away from this 
person. 

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And that it's not just, you 
know, we're going to take a 

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quick break and maybe we'll get 
back together later, but this is

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actually a decision that I've 
made that I am not going to 

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pursue a relationship with this 
person any further, because I'm 

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not the type of person who's 
like, oh, like we're done 

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whatever, and then I move on. 
It's definitely a much more 

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serious consideration for me. 
Yeah, so I think we should first

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talk about like what her reasons
you should break up with someone

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like just to get that out of the
way, if any of these are like 

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things to experiencing or things
that come to mind, maybe just 

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play around with the idea. 
Maybe talk to a friend asked 

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like I don't, like, I would 
never talk to my parents about 

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breaking up with someone, but 
like if you're close to your 

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parents like, maybe ask them, 
but thankfully kind of like a 

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friend, go to a sibling, maybe 
come to this podcast. 

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And if any of these like applied
you apply to your Since it may 

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be, just be like am I in the 
right relationship? 

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Is this good for me? 
So, according to psychology 

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today, they say like the main 
red flags in a relationship or 

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lack of communication, somewhat 
being with someone that's like 

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irresponsible and mature. 
I'm predictable when there isn't

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any trust that's a big red flag 
when your close family and your 

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close friends don't like your 
partner. 

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That's a, that's a really big 
red flag. 

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That's a really big one. 
Yeah, and that one's heart 

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because I I've been in 
relationships before where I've 

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been like my parents. 
Don't know this person, like 

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they haven't met them. 
They just have no reason to not 

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like them but honestly, looking 
back, the vibe that your friends

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and family get from someone 
normally is right like in the 

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moment, I am the first person to
like defend that person, the 

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end, like know, I like really, 
really like him. 

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Like, what are you talking 
about? 

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You just don't know him. 
Like he's really nice and funny.

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Like Stephanie you probably know
who I'm talking about with this.

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Yes. 
See that's why I can't, but for 

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some That weakness and I'm like,
no, no, like he's super nice. 

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But when you step back and after
you're out of that relationship 

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or when you're in like a really 
good state of mind you're like 

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woah wait, hold on. 
Like no. 

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Like my parents didn't like him.
My siblings thought he was kind 

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of odd. 
My close friends don't like 

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being around him. 
They're all right. 

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This guy's like a douche or 
whatever. 

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Right. 
What's? 

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So interesting is that we're 
often like such poor observers 

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of Our Own And chips because our
friends and family can see how 

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the relationship is affecting us
way better than we can. 

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Yeah, so it's really important 
to listen to what they have to 

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say and to take their advice. 
I would definitely. 

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Yeah. 
And then the rest of the red 

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flags, they say is like feel 
like we're really insecure about

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your relationship. 
If the person you're dating has 

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like, like really keeps a lot of
secrets about like their past 

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and what went on before. 
And another thing I want to 

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bring up about that like I am 
one person of course I'm very 

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open and vulnerable on this 
podcast about my With mental 

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health and my past related to 
that. 

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But in real life, when I'm 
getting to know, someone friends

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or romantically, I definitely 
wait a little bit to share that 

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part of me or don't ever shared 
the entire thing because it can 

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be so like it's a lot to dump on
someone. 

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It's a lot for them to handle 
and I have like my support 

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system and I know how to handle 
that myself. 

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So I think it's important to 
kind of draw the line of when 

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they're being secretive or like 
put a keeping things in the dark

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purposely or they're respecting 
their own privacy and moving on 

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from Something emotionally. 
Absolutely. 

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And some other reasons I would 
say it's right to break up our, 

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you know, Less on the red flag 
side but more and just observing

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your relationship. 
It's, you know if it doesn't 

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feel right anymore, if you're 
not, if you don't have the same 

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expectations for a relationship.
So maybe one of you is looking 

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for more of a casual fling 
versus like a serious committed 

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relationship or even just like 
arguing more than you're having 

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fun. 
If it's if it's really That 

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feels forced and it seems like 
the chemistry is faded away. 

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Then maybe you should 
reconsider. 

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You know what that relationship 
is doing for you? 

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Yeah. 
Another thing is like if it's 

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verbally or physically abusive 
like that is a huge red flag and

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I don't think we should get too 
far into that because I 

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personally haven't had a lot of 
experience with those kinds of 

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relationships. 
There's lots of different 

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protocols to go through when 
adding those relationships to 

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maintain your safety and your 
family's safety. 

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So we're not going to get into 
that. 

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This is just a little like 
Spiffs and issues in teenage 

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relationships that aren't 
affecting your like physical or 

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emotional, health severely. 
And if you are experiencing that

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like a physically or 
emotionally, abusive 

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relationship, find an adult you 
trust, find a counselor, find a 

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therapist, find someone you can 
talk to about that, but again 

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maybe don't necessarily follow 
these. 

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Correct pieces of advice for 
that kind of relationship. 

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Yes. 
So with that being said, we 

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talked about like big red flag. 
Some other things, I think the 

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biggest And for me, it's like if
you just like not attracted to 

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them anymore, I feel like 
there's been times when I really

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want something to work. 
Like, I so badly. 

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Think like, I would like to like
someone or there's no reason, I 

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shouldn't like them, but I'm 
just not attracted them, and I 

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wish I was like, I wish I really
did like that saw a future 

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happened. 
I just remember your most recent

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fling. 
Matt it was, we had all these 

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discussions about like how it 
seems so perfect on paper and 

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then, you know, when you're 
hanging out it just doesn't 

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click and That way that you want
it to. 

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And I think it's really 
important to recognize that. 

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That's a totally valid reason 
for ending a relationship 

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romantically because it is 
totally fine if you enjoy 

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hanging out with that person to 
continue that relationship 

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platonically but it's a really 
important that you set your 

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expectations and you suck about 
these very clearly and that 

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there isn't any gray area there.
Yeah, but this guy he was like 

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cute, he was really nice. 
Like he'd go and like, he'd take

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me to dinner and he was so nice 
to my family. 

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He was like really Focus. 
And he was like, I'm friends 

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with our other friends of 
friends so it just worked really

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well like double dates have 
been. 

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He was so nice and I was like I 
so badly. 

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Want this to work? 
This would be such a nice thing 

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for me and I just didn't every 
single time I hang out, hung out

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with him. 
I was just attracted to him less

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and less and less, and it was 
like, I so badly, wanted to work

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it to work and I felt so bad 
about like, ending things with 

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him, but I just like, could it 
do it? 

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Like I wasn't attracted to him 
and I couldn't like it with a 

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good conscience. 
Go bald and continue to lead 

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Them on because I just didn't 
like him. 

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Now we're going to talk a little
bit about like the steps you can

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take if you want like a really 
outlined approach to breaking up

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with someone. 
This is really because it's so 

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so important to not avoid this 
conversation because avoiding it

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just prolongs it it doesn't make
anything better and dragging 

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things out. 
Just makes it so much harder in 

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the long run because especially 
because you never want the 

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person you're breaking up with 
to hear it from someone else 

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before they hear it from you. 
So we wanted to make it as 

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simple as possible. 
To start having this 

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conversation to make it super, 
super clear, like what your goal

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is and what your expectations 
and what's your most ideal 

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outcome from this conversation. 
Just so that you don't have any 

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reason to delay. 
If you follow these steps it's 

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going to be, you know, the 
easiest possible route to take. 

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Yeah, exactly. 
And yet, this isn't like the 

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longer you delay, it, they 
noticed like if you're really 

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connected to someone whether 
it's like a friendship, a family

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member or a romantic 
relationship, when you're acting

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different, when you're 
Withdrawing when you change the 

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way you are around them like 
they can tell they're going to 

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know. 
That's absolutely. 

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They're going to assume the 
worst. 

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They're going like, okay. 
I'm going to get dumped. 

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Why won't they just do it 
already. 

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So if you're up front and open a
lot of the time, they will be 

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more. 
Like, I don't know if it'll make

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the whole situation better but 
they will be more understanding 

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and open. 
And if you've been acting like 

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shady for days and you haven't 
been like reaching out or 

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talking to them because, you 
know, you're going to break up 

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with them and they don't know 
yet. 

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Exactly. 
Okay. 

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So the first step is that you're
going to tell your significant 

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other that you have something 
important to talk about with 

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them. 
This is because it's really 

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important that you don't just 
hit with hit them with the like 

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we should break up out of the 
blue because that's can be kind 

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of insensitive like so but it's 
also really important though. 

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Exactly like that expecting. 
It's like oh my God like what 

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are you? 
It's awful. 

229
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:59,400
Yeah, but also like when you're 
saying this, don't make them 

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00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,300
nervous or worried that I'm just
emphasize that a conversation 

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00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:05,200
needs to happen and you should 
be good. 

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Oh, my God. 
Okay, so after like, we have to 

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also do a, how to handle getting
dumped episode. 

234
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,700
Yeah. 
Oh my God. 

235
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:16,400
That's what babies to watch. 
Like, what foods to eat? 

236
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Like, what to do with your 
friends. 

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Oh my God! 
We should just do this every 

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week until we like run out of 
topics. 

239
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,400
Literally have so many topics. 
Yeah, literally okay. 

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So the next step is to start by 
saying something that you like, 

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00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,800
appreciate about the person. 
And we want to stay away from 

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00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,500
the year really great. 
Like, I really like you, but but

243
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:42,100
say like we've been really close
for a long time and you really 

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important to me or I really 
value like how honest we are 

245
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,100
with each other. 
So I wanted to tell you this, 

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00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,800
like, put a foundation for why 
you're being upfront, because 

247
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you value this relationship and 
because you do care about them 

248
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,900
and because, you know, that they
can have Not hearing this. 

249
00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:00,000
Exactly. 
And this leads directly to step 

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00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,600
three, which is where you 
explain the main reason, why you

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00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,100
believe that you should break up
and you have to be super, clear 

252
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,900
super up front, some examples 
are but it just doesn't feel 

253
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:12,500
right anymore. 
But I'm not ready to have a 

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00:12:12,508 --> 00:12:16,100
serious relationship right now 
or but we're arguing more than 

255
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:20,700
we're having fun just like give 
your main quick reason that 

256
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:24,100
super clear and conveys exactly 
the main reason why you think 

257
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,500
that you guys should split up 
Totally. 

258
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,800
And I mean, I know it's hard. 
Like maybe the reason is like 

259
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,300
you're not attracted to them and
that's like awful to have to say

260
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:34,200
to someone's face. 
But hey, like I just don't find 

261
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,900
you attractive like that doesn't
mean that's awful. 

262
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:38,300
I wouldn't want to say that to 
someone. 

263
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,900
I'm sure it would be 
uncomfortable for other people 

264
00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:44,500
to say. 
So you can say like I like I 

265
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,500
definitely pulled the card 
before where I'm like, I just 

266
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,000
don't want to have a 
relationship. 

267
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,800
It's a little bit of a cop-out 
but it's okay because we did. 

268
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:54,600
But that's, that's that's gonna 
happen. 

269
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:55,800
Because when you're younger and 
you're going up. 

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00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:59,400
Everyone liked young listeners. 
You're gonna dannion that's bad 

271
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in hurt me. 
That's ok. 

272
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,400
Sorry you're going to hit your 
sister your brother or siblings 

273
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,800
like you're just not gonna like 
them until I would say when you 

274
00:13:06,808 --> 00:13:09,300
get in like your teens or they 
get set to treat. 

275
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,200
Yeah. 
Or when you get in your teens 

276
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I'd say you develop relationship
and it because that's like 

277
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,400
struggle. 
So through struggle, you're 

278
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:24,100
going to find So back to how our
relationship changed, we 

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00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:25,700
actually have one. 
Well was it? 

280
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:30,800
What's that like The change or 
our relationship for what's it 

281
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,200
like to actually have a 
relationship? 

282
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,300
Um, I'd say that since like, 
Sadie's, like allowed to visit 

283
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:40,200
us, that's sort of, like allowed
us to have a relationship. and, 

284
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:46,000
you know, I'd sit what I like is
having A relationship where it's

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kind of like a friend, like 
everyone in my family, our 

286
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:53,800
family. 
Like my parents, my parents, 

287
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,700
like we don't have like a friend
relationship with them and I 

288
00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:59,200
feel like we're being Atticus 
are a little too young for us to

289
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,700
have a friend relationship with 
them yet. 

290
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:04,400
So it's nice that I have someone
where I can have like a friend I

291
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:08,900
can talk to like about stuff 
that I would talk about like a 

292
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:11,300
friend that was really 
repetitive. 

293
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:14,800
I'm so sorry. 
Like a friend but like a friend,

294
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:19,300
Try to transfer. 
So going back to like, when Mom 

295
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:22,600
told you, I was sick. 
How did Mom and Dad explained 

296
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,800
that to you and how is that 
different from what you 

297
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:30,500
perceived When Mom and Dad told 
me that city was sick, I didn't 

298
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:33,600
know that. 
That was sort of like, don't do 

299
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,100
that. 
A realm where you could get 

300
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:40,700
sick? 
No, no, no, I didn't know. 

301
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:44,000
Mental health and illnesses were
thing. 

302
00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:51,800
Why did because like I've we 
have like I've heard about 

303
00:14:51,800 --> 00:15:00,200
before but um wasn't introduced 
to it on like a level where I 

304
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:07,600
knew the person like well, so I 
was confused. 

305
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:13,500
See, you get asked where I am or
people are aware that, like, I'm

306
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,000
not at home. 
Mmm. 

307
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:19,000
What do I say, boarding school 
boarding school? 

308
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:23,000
My friends is that awkward, is 
it? 

309
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:30,500
Put you in a bad spot? 
Um, I I mean, like, it hasn't 

310
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:38,300
put me in a bad spot because for
me, like A lot of my friends 

311
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:41,300
like their siblings have gone 
through similar things because 

312
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:43,500
one of my friends their siblings
have gone through similar 

313
00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:45,200
things. 
So like I talked to her about 

314
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:49,200
that, we were able to connect, 
so I hope you're okay with this.

315
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,300
But like, with the people, I was
close their emotions be patient 

316
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:56,100
with that, and really just give 
them their space to have that 

317
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:59,600
emotional experience. 
And then, what's best after that

318
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,700
is step, it just to give the 
other person space and let them 

319
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,200
process that let them get 
through that. 

320
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,200
Because if like, I know in my 
experience when And I've still 

321
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,900
like someone the most difficult 
thing is being around them or 

322
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:13,500
seeing them or still talking to 
them because even though they 

323
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:17,900
don't have feelings like I still
do and so it's awful to like you

324
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:21,200
still like someone and know that
they don't like you back and you

325
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,400
still feel like the Dynamics 
have changed even though it's 

326
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,100
changed for that and how they 
view it. 

327
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:29,100
Exactly exactly. 
So just making sure that you're 

328
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,900
only attempting to be friends 
with them, once you are 

329
00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:34,200
completely over the idea of 
dating them and you know, that 

330
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,600
they're also completely over the
idea of dating you It's really, 

331
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,800
really important that you rate 
that you wait until you get that

332
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,800
get to that stage because you 
know, it can probably be pretty 

333
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,600
- if you don't. 
Yeah, and there's like no 

334
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,800
timeline for that. 
Everyone takes different amounts

335
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,100
of time to get over to relate 
relationships. 

336
00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:53,900
I know for me. 
Sometimes it's been years 

337
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:56,500
before, I can find the bike. 
I'm don't like that person at 

338
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,800
all. 
Like I would never picture being

339
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,100
in a relationship with them 
because I cared so much about 

340
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:04,000
them and we were so close and 
other people just takes a couple

341
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,300
days a couple weeks especially 
if you're the one breaking up 

342
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:08,900
with Oh, it's normally much 
easier to get over them and as 

343
00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:11,900
soon as you break up with them, 
like okay, we're done like easy,

344
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:13,800
wouldn't think about seeing 
them, but, when you're getting 

345
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,099
dumped, sometimes it takes a 
really long time to get over 

346
00:17:16,099 --> 00:17:19,599
that and get to that get past 
that step of moving past the 

347
00:17:19,599 --> 00:17:22,800
relationship. 
Yeah, exactly. 

348
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,800
Do you want to be featured on a 
future episode or questions you 

349
00:17:26,808 --> 00:17:30,000
want answered about therapy 
depression anxiety or life? 

350
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,500
Do you want to share your story?
Email inquiries at. 

351
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:36,600
She persisted podcast.com or 
reach out via social media. 

352
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,100
You can also head over to my 
website. 

353
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:42,300
She persisted podcast.com and 
fill out the contact form 

354
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,500
anonymously or with your name. 
I hope to hear from you. 

355
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,200
So just to recap, Step One is 
warning. 

356
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,900
I guess you're a so that you 
have something important to talk

357
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:57,100
to talk to them about step, two 
is start starting by saying 

358
00:17:57,100 --> 00:18:00,500
something you appreciate about 
them step three is explaining 

359
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:04,200
the primary reason why you 
should break up step 4 is 

360
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,900
really, really clearly. 
Calculating that you want to 

361
00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:10,200
break up. 
Step five is apologizing for 

362
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,200
hurting them. 
Step 6 is saying something 

363
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,800
positive. 
Step 7 is listening and step 8 

364
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,800
is giving that other person's 
space. 

365
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:21,600
So take notes people because 
this is the easiest way to make 

366
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,400
sure that you and your 
significant other can 

367
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,200
respectfully split apart from 
each other and you no longer 

368
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,800
have an excuse to avoid the 
conversation. 

369
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:34,600
All you need to do is those 
eight steps and boom, you are 

370
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,200
officially going to be broke it 
up. 

371
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:40,100
So some last like notes and 
details that we just want you to

372
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:43,800
think about when you are going 
through a breakup or whatever it

373
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,300
is that you are trying to do to 
end the relationship. 

374
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:51,300
The first one is be firmed which
is like, no apologies stick to 

375
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,900
what you're saying. 
We talked about this and then 

376
00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:55,400
Dear Man episode. 
But you've decided you've 

377
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:59,400
weighed the pros and cons, and 
you are firm with this decision.

378
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,600
You're not going to go back on 
it. 

379
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:04,300
So keep and like, stay true to 
yourself with that decision that

380
00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,500
you've made and don't like, I'm 
so sorry, you're right. 

381
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:10,100
We should break up be firm. 
Exactly. 

382
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:14,800
The second thing is to allow 
yourself to be sad, even though 

383
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,500
you are the one who's 
initiating, The Break-Up, a 

384
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:20,200
breakup is a sign of 
incompatibility and some things 

385
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:23,300
that can be difficult to 
recognize and difficult to admit

386
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:28,200
and practicing when mindfully. 
And so, the Last Detail I'm 

387
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:33,400
going to talk about for the 
house scales as some questions 

388
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:37,800
to ask yourself, when practicing
effectively So first you want to

389
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,900
exert observe when you're 
getting angry, when you're 

390
00:19:39,908 --> 00:19:42,600
feeling hostile, you're going to
ask yourself is this effective? 

391
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,600
You want to pay attention to 
when you start wanting to be 

392
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,100
right instead of effective. 
So you're going to give up on 

393
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,000
being, right? 
And try and switch, just being 

394
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,000
purely effective. 
And this is truly one of the 

395
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,100
hardest skills. 
For me. 

396
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,800
I struggle a lot, especially 
with my parents, with choosing 

397
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,700
to be effective instead of 
right? 

398
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,000
I hold on really, really 
strongly two things. 

399
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,900
I want things. 
I'm hoping for things I asked 

400
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:07,500
them for being right? 
In the end of an argument or 

401
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:11,300
whatever situation, it might be,
I focus a lot on trying to hone 

402
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:14,600
in on the effectiveness kill and
really do my I best with this 

403
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,700
especially with my parents. 
Another thing you want to do is 

404
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:19,200
notice the willfulness in 
yourself. 

405
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,700
You want to ask is this 
effective and drop that 

406
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:25,400
willfulness and instead choose 
to be effective and notice how 

407
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,500
that's different. 
Do you have questions, you want 

408
00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:31,800
answered about therapy, 
depression or anxiety, email 

409
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,600
Sadie's, time Dot N SP at 
gmail.com or reach out via 

410
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,900
direct messages on any of the 
nevertheless, she persisted 

411
00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:42,000
social media accounts, linked in
today's episode notes. 

412
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,500
You can also leave a voice 
message on I would love to hear 

413
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:47,900
from you. 
Okay. 

414
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,300
So the next part of the episode 
we're going to talk about loving

415
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:52,000
kindness. 
So first, what is love and 

416
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,600
kindness loving-kindness. 
Is another scale. 

417
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,900
It's a mindfulness practice 
designed to increase love and 

418
00:20:56,900 --> 00:21:00,200
compassion for ourselves. 
For our loved ones for friends. 

419
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:03,500
And for those, we are angry with
difficult, people enemies. 

420
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:08,300
And in general, all beings, 
loving kindness can protect us 

421
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:12,000
from developing and holding onto
judgments ill-will and hostile 

422
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,900
feelings towards ourselves and 
others. 

423
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:17,900
Yeah. so practicing loving 
kindness is like saying a prayer

424
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:20,300
for yourself or someone else and
it doesn't have to be religious,

425
00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:23,200
it doesn't have to be attached 
to a higher power, you're 

426
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:26,900
sitting and asking for something
for yourself or someone else and

427
00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:30,000
Good. 
Be asking your wise mind. 

428
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,700
You could be asking your future 
self. 

429
00:21:31,700 --> 00:21:35,400
Your you just putting out this 
wish this hope into the 

430
00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:38,800
universe. 
So you're actively sending love 

431
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:42,100
kind wishes and reciting in your
mind words and phrases and 

432
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:45,600
expressions good feelings 
towards yourself and others so 

433
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,000
now that we've given a summary 
we're going to practice loving 

434
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:53,400
kindness so I want you to sit 
down Whether you're sitting on a

435
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,600
chair, maybe you're laying down,
you're going to notice where 

436
00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:01,000
your body is touching the floor.
You're going to breathe deeply 

437
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:04,300
gather, your breath breathing 
in. 

438
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:11,200
And Dow. 
In through your nose. 

439
00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:21,400
After your mouth. so, choose the
person that you want to send 

440
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:27,900
loving kindness towards Don't 
want to pick someone that you 

441
00:22:27,908 --> 00:22:31,200
don't want to relate to with 
kindness and compassion. 

442
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:37,500
Maybe start with yourself, or if
that's too difficult, start with

443
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:50,600
a person you already love. going
back to our breathing and out. 

444
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:57,700
You can open the palms of your 
hands and picture the person 

445
00:22:57,900 --> 00:23:01,900
that you want to send love and 
kindness towards you're going to

446
00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:04,200
radiate out that loving kindness
by resetting. 

447
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:08,900
A set of warm wishes If you're 
doing it for yourself, you may 

448
00:23:08,900 --> 00:23:13,500
say may be happy. 
May I be a piece, may I be 

449
00:23:13,508 --> 00:23:17,900
healthy, may I be safe, 
whatever, positive wishes you 

450
00:23:17,900 --> 00:23:23,000
have repeat these slowly focus 
on the meaning of each word. 

451
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:27,000
As you say it in your mind. if 
you feel your thoughts drifting,

452
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:32,600
just go back, notice them come 
and leave and go back to your 

453
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:36,900
words, you've recited May I be 
happy? 

454
00:23:37,700 --> 00:23:40,800
May I be at peace? 
May I be healthy. 

455
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:48,000
May I be safe. 
You're going to continue this 

456
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,200
until you feel yourself 
completely immersed in your 

457
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:55,400
loving kindness. 
You're going to work yourself up

458
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,600
through loved ones, friends and 
those. 

459
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:01,200
You are angry with difficult, 
people, enemies. 

460
00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:09,700
And finally, everyone If I was 
doing this say my parents be 

461
00:24:09,700 --> 00:24:14,000
happy, my-my parents feel peace.
May they be healthy. 

462
00:24:14,500 --> 00:24:20,100
May they be safe listeners? 
May you be happy. 

463
00:24:20,900 --> 00:24:24,000
May you be at peace, may you be 
healthy? 

464
00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:29,300
May you be safe. 
To my friends, may they be 

465
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,900
happy. 
May they be a piece? 

466
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:36,100
May they be healthy? 
May they be safe? 

467
00:24:37,700 --> 00:24:42,300
To everyone, may they be happy, 
may they be at peace. 

468
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,700
May be healthy. 
May they be safe. 

469
00:24:52,100 --> 00:24:54,300
You're going to end your 
practice by going back to your 

470
00:24:54,300 --> 00:25:03,900
breathing and After the mouth 
centering yourself, and 

471
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:08,500
grounding yourself. 
And the goal is to practice this

472
00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:12,700
everyday. 
Of course, whenever you have 

473
00:25:12,700 --> 00:25:14,700
time whenever you need that 
grounding, whenever you're 

474
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:17,400
feeling particular tension with 
a person, maybe you just need a 

475
00:25:17,408 --> 00:25:19,300
little self love you. 
Can practice this loving 

476
00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:23,100
kindness skill, and you want to 
start with yourself in the move 

477
00:25:23,100 --> 00:25:25,200
on to others. 
And I know when I was at my 

478
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,200
lowest point, when I so so, so 
much self hatred for myself. 

479
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,800
I couldn't even think of 
positive, things of myself for 

480
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:34,400
loving, myself, for being happy 
or healthy. 

481
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,400
That was so so, so far Out Of 
Reach for me, so I would help 

482
00:25:37,500 --> 00:25:39,200
start with others. 
I would think about my friends, 

483
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,700
I would think about my siblings.
I would think about anyone that 

484
00:25:41,700 --> 00:25:44,200
I didn't know and gradually work
towards the people. 

485
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:48,300
I felt the most tension with. 
I would go and my parents would 

486
00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:50,700
move towards my siblings who I'd
hurt. 

487
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,000
And I would finally, finally, 
finally get to myself and that 

488
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,400
was really, really uncomfortable
and really tough. 

489
00:25:56,700 --> 00:26:01,300
So you just want to work through
getting to everyone including 

490
00:26:01,300 --> 00:26:03,600
yourself and expressing that 
loving kindness.