What if your brain wasn't broken because you couldn't meditate?
What if the problem was the meditation?
Welcome back to Beyond Chronic Burnout, where we're rewriting
the rules of well-being, one neurodistinct nervous system at
a time. I'm your host, Carol Jean
Whittington, and today we're flipping the meditation
narrative on its head. Let me guess, you've tried.
Clear your mind, sit still, follow the breath, only to end
up more anxious, more frustrated or convinced you're failing at
something everyone else seems to swear by.
Well, you're not alone, and you are not doing it wrong.
Our guest today gets it, and in the most personal lived in way.
Tanya Roberts is an Audi HD Artist, meditation guide and the
creator of Mindfulness Done Differently, a space where
fidgeting, sensory play, sound and movement are the meditation.
After years of struggling with panic disorder and feeling like
a mindfulness misfit, her autistic and ADHD identification
unlocked a whole new world and helped her create practices that
work with spicy brains, not against them.
She's here to help you stop forcing peace and start feeling
it on your terms. In today's episode, we're going
to discuss why traditional meditation can backfire for our
bodies and brains. What accessible mindfulness
actually looks like. Spoiler alert, it might include
a stress ball, so grab yours. How to regulate your nervous
system with tools that honor your wiring and what Tanya would
tell her younger autistic Audi HD self about healing, self
trust and rest. So grab your fidget tool, get
comfy, and let's dive in. Are you an autistic woman or a
helping professional seeking a fresh perspective on unmasking
and burnout recovery? Then you need to hear about my
new book, Living Unmasked. In Living Unmasked, I share my
own personal journey and lay the essential groundwork for
autistic women to build a joyful and authentic relationship with
themselves. For therapists, clinicians, and
coaches listening, this book offers invaluable insights to
deepen your understanding and support of your autistic
clients. It's time to discover the path
to truly getting into your comfort zone.
Learn more about Living Unmasked and begin your journey today.
You can find allthedetails@whittingtonwellbeing.com
thatswhittingtonwellbeing.com. Take the first steps towards
reclaiming your life with Living Unmasked.
Step out of the shadows. Feel the power will rise.
Catch the spark inside you. Let your spirit fly beyond the
chronic burner. Carol Jeans, your guide.
Find your step. Be with all nice joy on the
tide. Push forward, bright and bold.
Leave the burner. Pop behind.
In this journey, hearts unfold. How was yours?
He can find. Welcome to the show Tanya.
I am so excited to have you here.
You are one of my favorite folks and we always have so much fun
whenever we get together. We do.
Yeah. I'm so excited.
Carol Jean. Well, I wanted to have you here
on the show during self-care September because what you do is
really magical. And I know that in other
conversations you and I've had that in in a lot of the work
that you do, you share really often that you had a panic
disorder and it was a really big part of your journey before you
were identified as Audi HD. So I would love to know what was
that time like for you and what helped you begin to climb out A
burnout and those those panic attacks and anxiety.
Yeah. Well, good question.
I mean, it's, it's hard to think about this because it was such
an awful time, but I think telling the story is really
important because I'm hoping you know, someone out there will
feel less alone and maybe relate to this.
And no, it doesn't have to be like this forever.
Because when you're in that time, it feels, you just feel so
desperate for relief because you don't get it any, you know,
ounce of relief day or day in, day out, you know, 24/7.
The panic is just tormenting you.
So if this helps anyone, you know, then I'm happy.
So I've always been a bit anxious even as a child, but I
think I didn't really recognize that it was sort of a low level
anxiety, just, you know, sensory overwhelmed.
Things like that that I didn't recognize back then were sensory
overwhelmed, just just kind of felt a little overwhelmed all
the time, you know? Then Fast forward to early
adulthood, early 20s, I started working in a tech job.
It was a tech marketing job, open concept office, tight
deadlines, you know, steady flow of caffeine and deadlines and
all that. I was kind of on display for
everyone to look at, you know, in the center of the office.
A lot of distractions we would do.
And just thinking back on this now, it makes me cringe.
We would do work trips to Vegas. I planned trade shows as part of
my job. And I would share a hotel room
with a female colleague. And we would just be expected to
socialize all the time on the lunch break, you know, after
work. And I was completely burning
out. And I got to the point where I
was having multiple panic attacks a day, really, really
intense anxiety. And I, I couldn't even go into a
work meeting without having a panic attack.
And I was, I was masking through it the whole time, just
pretending everything's OK. I don't run out of the room.
You're going to be fine. Trying to do my box breathing,
which actually helped a little bit, but I was still just on the
verge of that panic attack almost the entire day for a full
year. It was, it was absolute hell, if
I'm being honest. It was, it was complete and
utter hell. And sometimes I'd wake up at
night having a panic attack. I would just wake up, you know,
gasping for air, sweating, not being able to bring my heart
rate down. I was beyond, beyond burnout.
I was, I was at rock bottom, I think.
And so I turned to alcohol thinking, OK, well, maybe this
will help me relax. Spoiler alert, it didn't.
It made the anxiety much worse the the next day particularly
and impacted my sleep. It it was bad.
I mean, I didn't have a problem with it, but I think I was
having a wine every day and it wasn't helping me.
So tried exercising and that helped quite a bit, but I was
still really mega anxious. And then I went to therapy and
they did the classic, no shade to therapist because a lot of
them are really good professionals, but they didn't
know I was nerve divergent. So they did a typical, OK, let's
look at your childhood, your trauma, you know, what event
happened to make you feel anxious?
But nothing, nothing was quite clicking.
You know, they had me do exposure therapy in situations I
felt panic. It made it worse.
Nothing was helping. And I tried meditation at the
time, but that was hard too because I had trouble sitting
still. I just thought I sucked at it.
So I kind of just threw in the towel and the meditation pillow
and essential oils and just said, you know, I suck at
meditation, whatever. This is my lot in life so.
Sit right there with you. Yeah, decide this is not for me.
But then Fast forward. So, so I remain anxious, not to
that level, but still much more anxious than I needed to be for
many years after that. And it was only 2 1/2 years ago
I discovered, you know, I went to a psychologist, an expert in
their divergent women. A lot of people in my family
were starting to get diagnosed or identified as autistic ADHD.
So I started thinking, wait, I can relate to that.
Maybe I'm a little spicy in the meatball too.
So I sought out this expert and went through a long process, you
know, brought a categorized list to her, which is the most
autistic thing I could think of. She should just rubber stamped
it right there. You know, you're one of us.
It's. Like how do you say it without
saying it? Yeah, I brought my binder.
Yeah, I brought my binder categorized.
I had like childhood development, you know, RIP
headed a body movement, special interests, you know, social,
really everything. It was all categorized, very
detailed and yeah, so she went through a process and by the end
identified me as autistic and ADHDADH.
She was a surprise to me, but it makes sense now.
All the conflicting traits, how I never quite felt like I
identified 100% with autism. So.
So that was interesting and a, a lot changed after that,
particularly, you know, pay more attention to my social and
sensory needs. And I don't know if you can
relate to this Carol Jean, but I just started going, Hey, I'm on
the fidgets. I'm like, OK, just Amazon
packages were coming every day with every kind of fidget, you
know, you can think of. I was really leaning and hard to
meeting my sensory needs. And I have this, this really
squishy stress ball that I used. And then I, I thought, OK, why
don't I combine that with meditation?
So I meditated to use this, use the stress ball, and then all of
a sudden I felt like I could concentrate and meditate and get
into that mindful state a lot easier when I was using the
fidget. So that's kind of when my
mindfulness Done differently approach was born.
You know, combining things that I know for me help my
neurodivergent brain, you know, movement, fidgeting, art,
sensory play and sound, and combining that with meditation
to make it kind of more accessible to spicy brain folks
like myself. And that that for me was the
key. And, you know, obviously, along
with other things like the right therapy, accommodations,
lifestyle changes and the meditation, exercise, all of
those things together help me slay what I call the anxiety
monster. So that's kind of my, my back
story on that. Oh.
My gosh, it, it's just so stinking relatable.
And for those of us and anybody out there listening, if you were
relating to what Tanya was just sharing about, you know, panic
attacks and it's like things would get worse and it would
wake you up in your sleep. You you might also, if you're
one of us and you have M cast mast cell activation syndrome
and you were having histamine floods, it shows up like anxiety
and a panic attack. And so, you know, a lot of us
have these really similar occurrences and, and
experiences, but they come in in different ways and for different
reasons. And so, you know, as an M cast
last patient over here, I'm so relating because I remember
laying in bed and I was in a dead sleep and I remember waking
up out of a dead sleep like in a full blown what I thought was a
panic attack. But what turned out to be a
histamine flood and adrenal surge from from M cast.
But I didn't know that at the time.
And I was just terrified. It was so scary because all I
remember the and this is the only time this ever happened.
But I remember when I sat up and I was like gasping for air and
all in my brain kept thinking is Oh my gosh, I'm about to die and
terrifying. Isn't it Oh my God, you do you
feel like you're dying? Whether it's an M cast, I think
you said M cast, whether it's a histamine response, a panic
attack. We don't know what's happening
in there our our brain saying this is it you you're dead.
This is, you know, say your final danger, Will Robinson
danger, danger. And we can laugh about it now,
but at the time it's absolutely terrifying and feeling like you
have no control over your body. That was that was the worst that
I cannot controlled this. It's controlling me that you're
almost like a prisoner in your own body.
Yeah, and I so relate to that, you know, having, it's like, oh,
I didn't have anybody telling me I was doing it to myself.
So that's like bless my heart moment, but I was like, I got to
get in this situation, you know, like the exposure therapy.
I kind of put myself in this thing.
I got to get over this. I got to knuckle down and and
get through this, right. I got to figure this out.
I got to suck it up, buttercup, and it just made everything
worse. And it was in those situations
where I mean everything. And it was just like this cycle.
And I had tried some meditation and I was doing, you know, some
yoga and things at the time with one of my friends.
And I just remember thinking, I am about to jump out of my skin.
I wanted to scream. And everybody else is in this
room, like, all relaxed and like, oh, this is so wonderful.
And I'm like, I'm going to kill one of you if you don't move out
of my way. Let me out of here, you know?
And so then I'm thinking, oh, my gosh, I'm so broken.
I just can't do this. And I'm like, plus the sensory
ick of like Pachulian feet. Oh yeah, yeah, the sensory ick
Yeah, yeah, it's, it's terrible. It's terrible.
And I, I think that that a lot of times this you made it you
made it an important distinction.
I think a lot of times we are anxious, but there's also
potentially other health things that shouldn't be ignored that
should be looked into in tandem with dealing with the anxiety
because bringing that down can help you kind of have more of
the wherewithal to advocate for yourself and get your answers.
Because I don't know about you're in America.
I'm in Canada, but traversing the medical system here is
probably similar to there. It's very difficult.
Women are not listened to women and them presenting folks for
and and oftentimes some male presenting folks as well.
We're we're told that we're just broken.
It's all they always jump to mental health and very, you
know, oftentimes it is there. We are anxious, but also
there's, it's not this, it's a multi factorial thing.
It's not just one thing is going on, particularly if you're
neurodivergent could be POTS like and then the, the histamine
response, it could be a lot of things, but it doesn't mean it's
not also anxiety. So, so dealing with that is not,
it's not sort of a A1 shot deal and you're going to meditate and
your life will be perfect. I think, I think Dan Harris says
it'll make you 10% happier, but I'll take it.
I'll take the 10%. Yeah, it's, it's, it's realistic
that this is not the only thing we need to do, but it is a very
important thing that can help you in those those moments,
moments of panic and overwhelm. So you can kind of deal with a
stress before you deal with a stressor.
Get your body a little bit more regulated so you can deal with
the other things. And I think that's one of the
important things and it's it's why I'm getting my master's in
public health, specifically on making sure that we as autistic
women in particular and, and female presenting that we are,
are getting HealthEquity, that we are actually being heard.
Because you know, when we look at how men and women are, you
know, in a binary sense are, are treated within the healthcare
industry. When we go in and we have the
same exact symptoms, we're saying the same exact thing.
The guy, the man is usually getting treated immediately.
And it takes 6 to 8 months for us to be listened to and
anything to be done. And it's usually dismissed, you
know, as some kind of mental health challenge or it can't
possibly be as bad as you're saying it is.
And when you are also neurodivergent, that is even
longer. It takes even longer to be heard
and listened to. And it can be just the health
trauma that builds up. So, you know, when we have all
of these things, it's never just one experience.
And I love that we can talk about this today.
And I would really love to know, as we're talking about
meditation and mindfulness, in your experience, what are some
reasons that traditional practices tend to totally
backfire or just go in the opposite direction against what
you would think? Would it be your response for
our neuro sparkly folks? And what makes mindfulness done
differently different? Yeah.
I love the term neuro sparkly, by the way.
I'm going to have to use that. I love that neuro spicy neuro
sparkly. I love it.
That's so great. Well, OK.
So I think to answer your question, I think it's safe to
say that anything conventional, including traditional meditation
is kind of built for the basic factory model brain, which is
not us. Our brains are anything but
basic, right? I don't know.
Oh my. Gosh, yeah, always say the slow
brains. We are not slow brains.
No we are not. Or that's like there's ferrets
parkouring through a head right? That's our parkour curing
through our brain. I don't, I don't know if I'm
butchering this stat or not, but I think it said that
neurodiversion, autistic and ADHD brains are 40% more active
at rest due to less synaptic pruning.
So that's a lot of extra activity, a lot of extra
opportunity for rumination. And there's some signs to
suggest that we're more self critical, likely due to trauma
and internalized criticism that we've heard from other people
throughout the years. So there's, there's a lot going
on there. It's not, you know, a simple
thing of just sit down and breathe and meditate.
We have a lot more, I think, barriers to doing that than
other people. And a couple more things.
Some of us have a Fantasia where we can't picture anything in our
mind's eye. But a lot of meditation
practices implement visualization and they don't
sort of factor that in or include any modifications for
that. And then there's persistent
desire for autonomy, PDA, so instructions can feel like a
threat to the nervous system. So just the way I position it as
always a suggestion, there's always options.
You can sit out, you know, you can participate, you get to
decide what you want to do. No one's handing anyone a
demand. So that's important too.
And then of course, attention differences, especially with us
ADHD years, it can be hard to just sit there knowing I'm
sitting here for an indefinite amount of time and my brain can
just wander. And then we beat ourselves up
for not being able to do it, you know, having unrealistic
expectations of what we should actually be realistically be
able to achieve because the the conventional meditators don't
share the subtext, which is they're doing this with 5%
success at most. They're no one sitting there
with a completely clear and calm mind.
I mean, even there's a bona fide monk, Yogi Menger Rinpoche, who
has panic attacks and he observes them as they're
happening. So, but they don't share that.
You know, that's kind of an inside thought.
They don't, they don't share with us neurodivergence.
Hey, this is not meant to be perfect.
You don't have to be calm when you're doing this.
If your mind wanders a million times and you just notice once
that it has and you bring your focus back, you've meditated
bringing the bar way down. And I kind of liken it to, I
have an exercise example that I use that you know, you wouldn't.
Can I swear on this podcast, by the way, or no?
Oh, absolutely. How?
About OK. Let it RIP tater chips.
Awesome, I'm going to let it RIP.
So I say that you know, you wouldn't do 1 squat and expect
to have an ass like Beyoncé, right?
Unless you're naturally blessed, you know, and if you have a knee
injury, you put on a knee brace before you even did one squat.
So what I mentioned there about, you know, the expectations that
it's a practice, you need to do it over time and be kind and
gentle with yourself and don't expect instant results and have
those accommodations, those metaphorical knee braces which.
In in this case with my community, it's movement,
fidgeting, art, sensory play and sound, kind of pacing
instructions, you know, really intentional instructions, things
like that, so that the practice is even accessible for you in
the first place. That's what I loved about this
session that I joined over in the community and it was so much
fun. And it's just not only is it
accessible and different entry points, I really love because
I'm also a certified meditation and breath work instructor.
And so I approach it from a trauma sensitive and rejection
sensitivity and PDA and formed plays because I'm like, nobody's
telling me what to do. Because you know, I'm one of
those people. It would be nice if you just
opened an invitation and, you know, for those folks that don't
have a vivid memory and they have aphantasia, how about we
just talk about how you know or sense something, you know, And
sometimes that's just easier place to start.
But I loved the community connection that also happens.
It's not just showing up to meditate or playing or
experimenting, but it's also connecting, which I really
loved. Well, thanks Carol Jean, thanks
for the kind words. And and I just wanted to mention
reinforce again why the community is important, because
a lot of us, well, many reasons, a lot of us have been told
we're, you know, bad, broken, the way we see experience the
world, feel things is is wrong or we shouldn't be doing it this
way. So it's nice to connect with
people who just get it, who who think, I mean, not every neuro
divergent person is the same. We're all different, but just to
be on the same wavelength. OK, someone gets me.
I don't have to over explain. I don't have to dig for context.
They just know. They just understand.
And another thing a therapist mentioned that was actually, I
don't know why it was shocking to hear, but we're not meant to
regulate our emotions by ourself.
We're meant to do it with other people.
So if you're going off and doing your meditation videos, you
know, by yourself, that's fine. I mean, there's no problem with
that. That's, that's good.
That's a good thing to practice. But when you add the community
and the Co regulation, then you're really getting to a point
where you can fully relax into yourself and feel that belonging
and acceptance. And also your nervous system can
just do a big sigh of relief because we need that belonging.
And we when we don't feel like we belong.
I mean, if you go back to caveman days, not belonging was
a death sentence. You would literally be dead if
you do not belong. So our bodies don't forget that,
that we need that belonging and community to feel safe inner
bodies. And then you layer on the
meditation and now we're adding in even more safety.
So that's kind of how I that's, that's kind of how it all came
together, the thinking behind it.
And it's just such a beautiful, magical place.
It really is. But what I, I love not just that
element of it, that community element of it, but you know, as
an instructor, I'm always learning from other teachers.
And you taught me something that I really loved.
And I'm like, oh, I'm going to definitely incorporate that.
This was so genius. But you have like a pause for a
stretch break. And as we're going through the
meditation, you're like, OK, so we're here.
And if you just need to move, stand up, stretch, whatever, go
for it. And I'm like, oh, wow, that was
just like, I didn't even realize that I needed to because
normally I'd, you know, I, I'm not anymore.
I can kind of sit, but I was like, oh wow, I actually did
need like a good stretch just then.
And it was so perfect and just a beautiful experience.
And I love how you invite everybody in the way that you
just give so many different ways to experiment and really play
without all of the, you know, I'm doing it right or I'm doing
it wrong. It runs in the background for so
many of. Us.
Yeah, exactly and I know because I think in a similar way and.
And for me, sitting for long periods of time is hard.
And for a lot of neurodivergent people, particularly ADHBTADHD
folks, it can be hard to just sit still.
And I like that with. So I try to integrate the
movement breaks every two to three minutes in a meditation.
So you're never sitting for much longer than 5 minutes and moving
your body however you want. So for me, that's, that's
stimming. You know, we, we can celebrate
stimming as a way of expressing ourselves and meeting our
sensory needs. I think that the sensory piece
is really important to me, and I think when it comes to anxiety
for nerdivergent folks, I think it's a very overlooked piece.
I mean, you know, when you're a kid, if you're speaking about an
autistic radiation kid, it's like there's all the colors of
the rainbow for every fidget Susie hit 10 or 11, it's like,
well, you don't need sensory stuff anymore.
I guess you've aged out of that. But we still have a body, we
still have sensory needs. So I really like to integrate
that because I think it's something that's not talked
about a lot for adults or nerdivergent adults.
Well, I, I 1000% agree with you. It's one of the things that,
that you and I really connected on that I appreciate so much
about your approach because in the unveiling method and in my
research over the last four years, one of the most impactful
areas is our sensory system. And when we can nourish all 7
plus areas of our sensory system and help regulate and create
sort of this safety within our nervous system and our sensory
system, which are directly wired together, that is where
restoration comes in. That is where that reclamation
of our self comes in. That is where we start to
unmask. That's where we step into the
absolute incredible version of us that has been under all of
the stuff that the world has held on top of us.
And it's so important to give ourselves permission to know
that. Number one, 100% of research
respondents in my study said an area of their sensory system was
heightened during burnout. And so how we approach something
in burnout and how our sensory system is responding, depending
on the degree of burnout you're in, is going to be different
than when you're in a state of optimum well-being.
And just being able to recognize those things for me through the
practice of mindfulness and meditation and really leaning
into the sensory system was just huge.
I don't know about you. And I would love to know since
you discovered your Audio HD and you really started to unpack
what that means for you in your life and this beautiful stemming
and mindfulness practice and community that you've created,
what has been the most profound shift in your life personally,
professionally, you know, whatever that is for you, what
what's come up for you. Oh, so many things.
I just wanted to comment on the sensory stuff quickly before
sharing that the shifts in my life.
I'm a bit obsessed with this. So I, I, I kind of turned the
sensory stuff into a bit of a special interest.
So I put hundreds of hours into a course in my community on
meeting your sensory needs. I have a very detailed sensory
self-assessment questionnaire and as you mentioned, our
sensory system can change throughout our life, you know,
during burnout and with hormone changes as well.
So looking at, you know, what's your profile?
Are you over responsive or under responsive or you know,
vestibular proprioception, all the 8 senses that we know of,
there could be more. What is your profile?
For example, for me. So vestibular, as you know, is
the, you know, the movement in your inner or the fluid in your
inner ears when your head moves, it sort of sends signals to your
brain about your, you know, position, space and time or
whatever. And some people are over
responsive to that, like me, I don't like to spin, I don't like
to be on roller coasters. But some people need that to
regulate. They they like to roller skate,
they like to be on fast rides, they like to spin.
So just knowing about knowing that about yourself can help you
understand what are the things I need to do sensory wise that
will help me regulate my body. And you know, a lot of I try to
integrate a lot of proprioceptive activities, which
is the feedback to the muscles, joints and tendons and you can
be over responsive to it, but it's very rare.
So it's kind of the occupational therapist go to let's get some
proprioceptive input. So I have some meditations where
I integrate that in there, you know, hugging A stuffy,
squeezing our hands together into fists, putting our tongue
to the roof of our mouth. So really I, I think the sensory
stuff is so, so important, but also understanding it's not just
about buying a bunch of fidget spinners.
What is it that you personally need for your sensory system and
how can you use that information to better meet your needs
throughout the day? Absolutely.
And if you are an unveiler and you are listening right now in
your toolkit, you have your sensory profile blueprint that
looks at all seven different areas of your sensory system,
including your sensory seeking and avoiding.
So you can get that really quick hit list of what comes and
regulates and helps you focus, What are the things that are
really disruptive and energy draining.
And you can get that really quick list right off the top in
that sensory profile blueprint. So make sure if you have haven't
dived in and used that and played with it yet, make sure
you do if you're an unveiler here, but I love that you do
that in your community and I didn't know that.
So I am loving that you have a little class on that.
But so here with us, like what has now that you know what you
know and you do what you do, what's been like the biggest
shift in your life for this? I mean, I it's I know how
magical it can be. It's almost like I can't believe
that was me back then and now this is me today.
Yeah, I mean, it was, it is a like a magical process.
I mean, sometimes, to be frank, it has been a painful process
of. Oh, for sure.
You know, not believing your neurodivergent because the for
the first, for the first year or two, I didn't believe it because
I was like, I need proof. I need, you know, people would
say, oh, you're not autistic. What are you talking about?
No, because they don't understand autism and nerve
divergent in female presenting folks.
So that was really hard, the imposter syndrome.
But then I started meeting other nerve divergent people and I'm
like, of course I am, you know, I'm very similar to all of you.
So it just that that connection with the community is what
helped me really step into my nerve divergent identity.
So I'm very grateful for that. I think one of the big biggest
changes is for I used to force myself to do things I thought I
should like or people expected me to like.
Like for example, going out for dinner with 10 friends at a
noisy restaurant on a Saturday. I just thought, OK, maybe I'm
just a bit anxious here. This should be fun.
I'm supposed to be having fun. But I wasn't and I would keep
forcing myself to do those things, trying to fit into the
mold of what everyone else thought I should be.
Kind of like I say, I was like a square peg shoving myself into a
round hole in the corners were breaking off.
If you kind of at a certain point begin to gaslight yourself
into thinking your needs and feelings and preferences are not
valid. And so they get forgotten and
ignored. But my body was kind of
screaming at me to listen, you know, hey, we don't like this.
This is social and sensory hell. And now that I have the lens, a
different lens through which to look at my, my life and
experiences, I know it wasn't just anxiety.
Yes, there was anxiety, but my sensory needs, you know, being
over responsive to noise, having trouble sitting at a table,
having trouble with the eye contact, auditory processing
differences, you know, not being able to keep track of multiple
conversations, the social anxiety.
Just understanding the reasons for my experience of anxiety
helped me to know what can I do to help myself in this, in this
moment. And I don't have to do this if I
don't want to. I don't have to like the things
that everyone else likes. I get to.
If I want to go to a quiet restaurant with one other
person, that's my progress. If I don't want to go, I don't
go anymore. I don't force myself to do
things that other people expect me to do anymore, especially if
I'm low on spoons, and that includes obligatory social
gatherings. I just say no to them now if I
don't have the energy, and I don't feel any guilt anymore
that I'm doing something wrong for meeting my own needs.
So I'd say that's probably the biggest thing.
That is so powerful. Just that awareness, you know,
knowledge is freedom. Because then we get to choose
what works best for us. We get to, you know, say not now
or no. Not.
To always, not today, instead of like always feeling like we have
to force ourselves into that round hole and all of the edges
are getting, you know, shorn off and we're feeling like we've
just been skint to the bone right.
It's. Like our?
Endings are just raw and it's like.
This is fun. So much fun at this standard and
then feeling bad that you didn't have fun and, and feeling more
lonely at the end of it because it's like, well, these social
things are supposed to provide connection and they're not.
And it's this very confusing experience to feel lonely in the
presence of others when you're not being your true self.
You're not really connecting to others when when you're in that
that state of mind. You're really not.
And I'm really curious too, just on the professional side of
things. I mean, you mentioned going to
all these big conferences in Las Vegas and all the socializing
and all the stuff and, you know, just being able to look at how
are you experiencing your professional life now with this
beautiful mindfulness done differently, the awarenesses
about yourself. How has your meditation
mindfulness practice really moved into your your career
today? Yeah, well, oh, a lot's changed
since back then. I've been working full time
self-employed for the last 12 years and that change in itself
has been huge be having control over my own environment, getting
to decide what my schedule is. All of this is, you know, a big
opportunity. And I just want to be mindful
of, of the fact that not everyone has this opportunity.
Some people have to go to jobs they don't like, they have to
pay the bills, feed their family, and they're forced to do
this. So I, my heart goes out to if
that's the case, there are things you can do to help with
your sensory needs, you know, loop ear plugs, things like
that. But I get it, it's really hard.
So I was privileged enough to be able to make that, that career
move. And my mindfulness practice has
changed because I have two young kids, a A7 year old and a 2 year
old. So I don't have a lot of time
and my life's really chaotic. So I like to as much as I can, I
try to do a meditation before bed.
I don't do one every day. So it's, it's OK.
Some days I skip it if I have to, if I'm really tired.
And I try to bring that mindfulness more into my day,
what I call free range mindfulness.
So when I'm on a walk, noticing the colors, you know, let's
notice the color brown, let's notice the color red.
And then paying attention to the feeling of my feet, noticing
thoughts, bringing it back to the meditation anchor, you know,
having more mindful moments, drinking my coffee in the
morning, noticing how the cup feels, what it smells like, what
it tastes like being in the garden.
So all of these things can be considered mindfulness and
meditation. If you have your meditation
anchor, you focus your thoughts or your your attention back to
that, that anchor when your thoughts wander and drift.
All of life can be a meditation. You don't have to just be
sitting on a meditation cushion. So I like to approach it in that
way because it's it's more portable and I do the breath
work quite often. If I'm feeling a bit
overwhelmed, I do the square breathing, the diaphragmic
breathing. That's a go to for me as well.
But I just wanted to let everyone know that you don't
have to be doing this every single day in a very linear way.
You could do it for a couple days, skip a couple days, do
meditation in your garden, go for a walk.
It can be very easy and it doesn't have to be this rigid
practice that you're this punishing practice of.
I have to do this where that where it becomes something that
you use to suppress yourself. It should be a joyful addition
to your life, activities that you enjoy doing and coming back
to, and not something you force yourself to do or kind of use as
another reason to to beat yourself up.
That is so true. You know, I, I love that I, I
don't meditate every day either. I mean, I do breath work every
day because I, I do it before I ever get out of bed in the
morning because that's just part of what helps me feel better.
But you know, I, I started to look at it in a different way
and this is a question I asked myself, so I'm going to share
it. Maybe this is something that
might just be the thing that you needed to hear today.
When I think about any type of practice that I'm doing,
meditation, breath work, you know, going for a walk, any of
it, I kind of just check in for a minute with my body and I see
like, what's my brain speed? Is it fast, neutral or slow?
What kind of thoughts or words are kind of running through
right now? Is there a distinct feeling or
emotion that I'm having? And I know if I'm doing
something that's aligned in the moment, when I ask myself, do I
feel expansive in this? Do I feel like, like I, I am
sort of in the flow of things? Or do I feel restricted and
somehow more concrete, Right. And, and if I feel concrete, I
feel like I'm forcing something that I know that's not, it's not
the time. Maybe it's not the thing.
But if I have that sort of expansive feeling and it's kind
of a flow, I think like water, that's when I know I'm I'm doing
the thing that's nourishing me. Yes, they love, I love your,
your metaphor of, of comparing it to water, because something I
say is, I'll see if I can explain this properly, but don't
turn your river into concrete. Because I think we have this
idea that thoughts and feelings are this fixed thing.
What thing like a concrete statue.
But in reality, they're more of this fluid flowing thing that if
we if we pay attention to them and we're mindful of these
thoughts and feelings, they kind of just flow into the next one
and we can move on versus being so fixed on, you know, one state
of mind or emotion. And I think I mean folks with I
know you're, you're lexithymic to Carol Jean Somai.
I find that if I do my regular meditation practice, I'm not
saying this is true for everyone, but it does improve
for me. I start to notice bodily
sensations and emotions much more readily and more positive
emotions and and feelings of presence, you know, for example.
I mean, this is a bit of a weird example, but whatever, It's OK
to be weird here. Just let me.
I don't I don't know any other way to be so bring it.
Know, know your audience. But just looking at a bottle of
olive oil and thinking, wow, the bubbles are so beautiful.
I just find myself getting caught up in these ordinary,
beautiful moments of complete presence versus, you know, a
break from that rumination. And with Alexithynia, you know,
if we can, I have a bunch of meditations on this.
If we can focus more into the sensations in the body, we can,
you know, and attach it to something we know brings us joy.
For example, special interests, which I called joy portals.
I have a meditation on this. We're reflecting on our special
interest, noticing what's happening in the body.
We kind of start to create a blueprint for what that emotion
might be. Is this joy I'm having tingles
in the right side of my head? Is that what joy feels like in
my body? Rather than just asking someone
what are you feeling, what's the emotion?
Because many people can't, can't say what that is.
So we're sort of doing a little bit of detective work to put
those create a bridge, if you will, to understanding and
feeling emotions in our body, which it it is possible.
We can improve that with meditation.
And that right there, folks, is mindfulness done differently.
Sure is. That right there and I love it.
That is just, oh, it makes my heart so happy.
So, Tanya, if you could go back and speak to your younger self,
that version of you who felt like she was failing at
mindfulness, well-being, or just being human, what would you tell
her right now? So many things I wish I could go
back, make a time machine. Well first of all, I would tell
her she's not broken, bad, wrong or too much or not enough.
I would tell her she's she's beautiful and worthy of love for
just existing, not performing. I would ask her to stop trying
to shove her square pegged self into round holes and, you know,
having those corners break off. And I I would tell her that
trying to change everything about herself to fit in means
she's going to lose herself and everyone will fall in love with
a mask, but that will inevitably just lead to loneliness.
And that's not what she deserves.
She deserves to be accepted, you know, for who she is to find her
weirdos and stop trying to make other people happy at the
expense of herself, you know, making herself small.
And I tell her, you know, get the nose ring, dye your hair
purple, get the bird tattoo. You know people are going to
stare anyway, so it's OK to do the things you want to do and
you don't have to always run it through the lens of what will
people think and how will they judge me?
Because they're going to judge anyway, so might as well give
them something to look at, right?
That's so beautiful. And I mean, I kind of got me
tearing up just a little bit, if I'm being honest.
I'm so glad that I I'm so glad I can be one of your weirdo
friends because I'm you're 1 of mine.
Me too. You're such a, such a sparkly,
so neuro sparkly Carol Jean, you're the best.
Oh, thanks, Tanya. I feel the same way about you.
And you know, if you just heard what Tanya said and it really
spoke to you and that's maybe something that you wanted to
tell your younger self, take that moment, take that moment
right now and just put your hand on your heart.
And you don't have to think anything.
You can just even just like feel what you're feeling and just
send that to that younger version of you.
But then also claim that same love, that same grace, that same
kindness for yourself right now, the you that's here today, that
present beautiful, wonderfully wired, nerosparkly perfect,
perfect thing that you are right now.
Because you don't need to be anything different.
Yes, exactly. And we can we can re parent
ourselves. We can re parent our inner
child. You know, we haven't had a good
childhood. I mean, it's obviously seek out
therapy if you need to, but we can, we have that opportunity
now as adults to, to go back metaphorically and, and give our
child's self what they didn't get.
You know, we're, we're the responsible adults now.
We get to decide what love we extend.
And that may seem a bit woo woo, but there's a lot of science
around inner child work. I am so not responsible adult.
Responsible enough? Thank gosh for people in my
life. I try to, I try to do the
adulting thing, but sometimes I just do it my own way and it may
not look like everybody else's version.
If that's you too, you're doing all right.
Good. Enough.
Oh my goodness, Tinny, thank you so much for showing us that
peace doesn't have to be silent, that stillness doesn't have to
mean not moving or stemming, and that regulation can be
reimagined for every kind of brain and body.
You reminded us that we don't need to fit into someone else's
mold to feel grounded. We just need to come home to the
way we were designed to. Calm.
To all of our unveilers listening.
If you've ever thought, why can't I just relax like everyone
else, I must be doing something wrong.
Or maybe meditation just isn't for me.
Please hear this, you are not too much, you just haven't been
offered the right kind of support for your beautifully
wired brain and body. Please check out Tanya's amazing
experience with Mindfulness Done Differently.
We have a link down in the show notes so you can try it for
yourself and experience how STEM meditation can be playful,
fidgety and fun. You can use code Beyond Burnout
with the link below and get your first 30 days for free.
Thank you for that gift, Tanya. This is exactly right.
It's so sweet. I love it.
Because self-care September is all about exploration.
It's about finding what works for you.
And this is exactly what Beyond Chronic Burnout and Whittington
well-being are here to give you. A way to play, explore and find
what works for you, not someone else.
Take the Spicy Pepper Burnout Quiz today to discover your
burnout level from a Poblano level 1, where you might just be
simmering up to that Ghost Pepper Level 5 where you could
possibly so hot you're not. And receive our new free audio
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This isn't generic advice. We don't do that around here.
It's built for your brain, your nervous system, and your healing
journey. Take the quiz now at Whittington
wellbeing.com or find the link in today's show notes.
Until next time, give yourself permission to find calm in your
own way. You deserve peace, and it
doesn't have to look like anyone else's.
See you next week. Thanks for being here.
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