Welcome to the show. I am really excited because my
friend Vicky from actually a spelling is joining me today to
talk about some survival skill tools.
Just some survival topics to school has been traumatic for
most of us, not going to lie here.
Middle school, high school. Oh man.
Those are just like the cringe-worthy segments of my
life. Those are the times when I felt
really awful and it was just trying to navigate and survive
on a social level. Evil Within the whole academic
thing because, you know, I grew up in a time frame where you had
to go to college, you had to make these grades and you had to
do this because everything was weighing, and it's going to
affect whether or not you got into a quote on quote, good
college, right? And if you got scholarships and
all this stuff, so there's so much pressure.
Hi, I'm Carol, Jean Whittington And you're about to experience
the new way to thrive in life and relationships as a late
identified autistic by unveiling who you are, what you love
creating balance and being the leader and creator of your best
life. Get ready.
Because this is where we go against the mainstream.
We say no to outdated Society Mormons and we say yes to whom
we are in order to create a joy-filled balanced and more.
Or neuro Disney World in room two.
Welcome to mind your autistic brain.
Welcome to the show Vicki. I cannot wait for you to share.
Thank you for having me on the show.
I was going to say I'm excited, but honestly, I didn't like
school at all. So hopefully I'll be able to
share some tips and things that will help someone else to go to
my school. That's what I'm hoping for
because I didn't enjoy it. So hopefully someone else will
enjoy yet. I know it's kind of like School
enjoyment and it's kind of funny.
Things shifted for me when I got to college and I think it
happened for you to it seems. I mean, anybody that's going for
their PHD. Must like school, a little
Vicky. Primary school, I didn't really
like pay attention to because I was so young like secondary high
school. I hated like, just just hate it
because I was a teenager and everything was changing and
really difficult. But as soon as I got to like
University, the pressure just like was released.
I mean you still have like deadlines and stuff that you
have to like work towards but everything is like so much more
relaxed. In a way, it's easier.
And you don't have to, like, go around making friends because
you have like classes with people like once a week.
So there's not like any point and it's just it's just nicer to
be able to go off sit by yourself.
Just get on with things. Yeah, and for me, the big shift
in college was that I could choose what I was interested in
to study, you know? Yes, they have those
requirements but it was more like I had this, this choice and
it wasn't just these wrote subjects and that always
bothered me and school is like, I would just be getting into a
history topic or a discussion. We're having in the Bell would
ring and you'd have to go to science or something else and
you're constantly shifting gears and for me as Not knowing I was
autistic and and I need transition time.
That was stressful. It is because I remember my
school timetable. It was like blocked out and I'd
be like, okay, so I'm in this building now and then I've got
to go all the way upstairs to another building and there's no
time. So, you're constantly running
around trying to find your classes and it's exhausting.
And it's a lot to like manage and especially because you're
going from say like maths to science.
Then, to English your Raid has to just like switch straight
away. And that is a lot.
It's really overwhelming. You know, I didn't even notice
that. That was like the causation, the
like the root cause ation. I mean, not that I was just
autistic and ADHD, but, but just having to like constantly shift,
gears and mrs. Like, trying to drive an
automatic driving a stick shift that.
It's like, I was burning up my clutch.
It's just really sucks. So, what are some things that
you found? That's what I helped.
You navigate this, or even in retrospect looking back, some
things for people to try and now that you've identified me.
And if I had done this now that I'm doing it, this is a huge
help. What are some of those things?
But because I know you got a list, I think, when I was going
through it, I didn't think about it.
I just did it. I was like, well, I need to get
to this class. I need to do it.
I don't want the teacher to tell me off.
So just just do it and get on with it, but look.
Him back. One thing that I wish.
I have asked for and that you can ask for is if you can leave
your lessons like five minutes early, because then you have
anime. It's only five minutes, but you
have a little bit of time to beat the crowd.
It just gives you X well to process.
Okay. I'm here.
This is the class. Okay.
I know what I'm doing and it's a breather.
So definitely ask if you can leave like your classes a little
bit earlier just because That is an accommodation that schools
they can do. They don't like doing it, but
they can do it. If it means you're gonna, like,
get on with your day better and feel more comfortable than feel
like you can learn more because you're less overwhelmed.
Then. Yeah, it's great.
All right. So tip number one is for to ask
for the five-minute, leave your class early, accommodation.
So that look, you can get in the hallway when there's not like
500 people crowding you, because that always drove me insane.
It was so loud, and I hate it. Touching me and people were
always pushing past me down a hallway.
Second one. Like the good part to that one
is you can go to the bathroom when there are like a million
people in there trying to do business and fix their hair and
just go in there for other things and it's so loud because
all the tile. So, okay, that five minutes
would have been huge. Wish I had, I had that one.
Got definitely go into the bathroom and either go during
class. Or I'd wanna go before everyone
else. Because you do you get people in
there like that smoking and putting the makeup on?
It's like, I need the toilet. Can you leave, please?
Well, you can't say anything. So, I just didn't go to the
toilet for ages. I know, I would hold it forever,
and I would find like times when I the teacher would, actually
let me out of the classroom to go to the bathroom.
I feel like oh it would just be like the time I could actually
quietly sit and sometimes I just kind of hang out in the bathroom
quietly turning just to regroup for a minute and I need to go to
realize I was doing it for for those sensory.
Reason it stops few moments to just sit with yourself and like
self-regulate and think, okay. I've been to the toilet.
I feel bad. I feel like I can go back to
class now and actually, maybe pay attention totally.
Okay. What?
You got next? I also think figuring out is a
good thing to like, see if you can ask for your timetable like
your schedule ahead of time because that can be really,
really helpful. So if you know that you've got
classes that are in different like buildings or across the
school, you can like as if you've got the five minutes, you
can definitely plan. The quickest route to get
somewhere or the best way to get somewhere.
And I think it really helps to help.
You familiarize yourself with what, you're going, what lessons
you've got. I just got my timetable, like,
the day I started, I think, and I always spent so much time
trying to figure out where a my classes.
What am I doing? Where am I going?
And it was just a lot. So asking for a copy of your
timetable before you actually start.
So during the summer holidays, is the perfect time to contact
your school and just say, I know that you're doing the timetable.
Now, please could I have a copy because I need to adjust to all
the changes and things and the Transitions and it's reasonable.
They should give you a copy of the timetable.
Okay, I love that because in school, you know, elementary
middle school, high school high school was worse like high
school and college those two really tough.
Now, you gotta remember too that I went to three universities in
three years in three different states.
Navigating to a new campus, you know, quit pretty frequently.
I finally did settle. Okay, just took me a little bit.
But, you know, just that was a huge stress for me to Vicki.
Trying to navigate. Like, how do I get from this
class? And you only have that small
window that they give you. So if you're asking for that
extra five minutes, this helps you be able to have a breather
and get where you're going without feeling, pressured to
hurry up and get there because for me, that was always like, so
stressful. And especially because I was on
campuses that were really huge and so one building can be on
this side of campus, and your next class is all the way on the
other side. So, you know, sometimes I would
had, I had to get a bicycle at LSU because the campus was so
big so that I could get from one class all the way across campus
to another class because I didn't realize when I scheduled
it, but that's what happened. So I'm going to add to that tip.
So when you ask for your schedule or your a timetable in
advance, and you say, look, I want to get this also.
If somebody if it's a new school for you, and you've never been
on the campus and everything is completely new and you don't
know anything about it. Ask for an ambassador or someone
who is there. That's part of the staff who can
meet you and take you from one class to the next and you can
and have them get a map for you so that you can draw on it.
Make some notes and the person can physically walk you.
So you're not trying to figure it all out.
It takes a little stress off. I got smart.
The third school and figured out how to ask for that.
I find that really, really helpful.
So having that one person as your like nominated person.
So if you need help, get to classes or you need help with
anything. There is someone that you feel
comfortable, you can go to and say, look, this is cropped up or
oh, can you take me to this place?
Can be really helpful? I know, when I was doing my
Master's Degree. I found it really difficult
because we didn't have Like, set classes, very often.
So I needed somewhere, quiet, I could work because I used to sit
in the café, but it's really noisy.
So I used to spend a lot of time talking to.
He was the student president for my University, and he was
fantastic. He was great.
And I said to him one day I said, look, can you show me now
and write down like a list of all the quiet spaces?
But I can go to on campus so I know.
In advance where to go. So he took me on a tour of the
campus and just like, show me all the different classrooms and
all the different like, quiet spaces.
And then he made a list of them and gave it to me.
And that was so helpful. It's like, oh my gosh, that's
genius. If I knowing where quiet spaces
are knowing where exits are and knowing where bathrooms are.
It can be really helpful and having someone that can show you
those things so you can like familiarize yourself with it.
It's really helpful. Okay, that is so good.
That is really good. Because I sort of had to just
sort of figure out on my own where those quiet spaces works.
I'm like you, I had to have a place to kind of sit and think,
or be able to work and concentrate and even on a small
college campus. Like, even when I was at Spring
Hill. I think I managed to find like,
you know, two or three little quiet Nook, kind of spaces and
makes a huge difference. But if I had a thought about it
to ask, Body for that up front. Oh my gosh, that would have
saved me a lot of time. Good one really good one Vicki.
The last thing that I can think of that would have helped me is.
I had a friend who who I am. And adults, but I wasn't friends
with him in high school. He was diagnosed as a child.
So in high school, he got lots of support.
And they had this place called learning support, for people who
had like diagnosis and things, where they could go and they
have like extra classes, but it was a place that break times and
lunch times, that they could go out of the way and just sit.
I think you could use a computer or you could read.
I was just a safe. Space where you could go.
So you didn't have to like me, awkwardly stand in the corridor
with people that weren't really my friends trying to make
conversation. That was really awkward.
So I think finding out, if there is a space for social times like
great times that you can go to so that you feel more
comfortable because I don't want to awkwardly socialize with
people. I would have rather had like a
space. I can go to and Also, if you are
feeling overwhelmed during classes, if you have, like, I
think it's like a hall pass or a pass or something.
So that if you feel like you're really like overwhelmed and
overloaded, you can just say, look, can I go to this place and
you have like a designated place that you can go to?
That would have helped me like so much.
Yeah, that really would have. I'm just like, Tom out this
house was, I gotta have a minute and, you know, I didn't know I
was artistic ADHD till I was 39. So one or two things that I
actually just sort of organically learned, especially
in college. Like I didn't do it as well in
high school. I figured some things out by my
senior year. It just took me a little bit,
but when I got to college, I started to sort of figure better
things out. So if you are self-identified
and you do not yet, have a formal diagnosis to take to
school. Here is a suggestion in a tip
that I used that really made a difference for me.
What I would do is when I started a new course for the
semester, I would go around for office hours that first week and
it sometimes, if they had office hours like before school started
like that week, you know, before you start your classes formally.
I would go introduce myself to the professor and I would say,
hey, I'm Carol Jean. I'm in your class for the
semester. I'm really looking forward to
it. You know, I'm a blank major,
whatever it was at the time, because I switch did a bunch and
I would say, you know, hey, do you mind if I record your
lectures to listen to do you have any additional resources or
do you do study times? And I said, I know this is
normally covered in your syllabus, but I just wanted to
talk to you. First because I for some reason
I have a much better experience and I Do Better Learning if I
have a couple of these things and I just it's nothing that you
have to do for me, but it's just some things that I just want to
check to make sure that this is something that you allow in your
classroom because everybody's a little different, some
professors. Most of them don't care.
If you record the lesson. Most of them don't care.
If y'all share notes and you kind of have a study buddy,
which dots my other thing in every class that you have.
Find two people, find two people because there's going to be a
day. That somebody is missing a class
or they're sick the same day. You're sick.
And you need to have somebody you can call to get the notes or
ask say Hey, you know, can I take a look at what you have and
also in reciprocation for that have those two people know that
they can call you to get your notes if they're out or sick,
you know, you do kind of have to set boundaries because if you're
not careful, you'll end up with that one person that's like
constantly asking for your notes because they're Just don't do
their own. You'll learn to kind of navigate
the right people to Buddy up with.
But if I'd at least two, because you got to have to, because
there's always going to be somebody that may end up being
out the same day you are. But for me those were some
things that made a huge difference.
Just being able to sort of navigate a class in to sort of
meet my learning style. And that's another thing that I
think was really helpful is when I started to learn about, you
know, I do have some auditory processing challenges so
sometimes I am not always a The process things, right?
In the moment. It takes me a little bit
process. So, I don't think of a question
till later. So sometimes just being able to
ask those questions that you formulate.
When you go over things later and have a place to ask them.
So ask your professor. You know.
Hey, are you okay if I email you, you know, maybe once a week
just to check if I have a question.
Can I send one to you or do you have during your office hours?
Is it okay to come by and ask a question about this?
If I it's about the notes, you know, what are your office?
Our sort of curriculum? Type things.
What do you what do you do? What?
Don't you do during your office hours?
That's a big one to ask. How I totally agree with.
Like, all those points. I remember my first, but I
remember the first thing I did when I was at University on my
first day because I already knew what I was doing when I got
there. I was like, I'm in my first
year, but for my third year, I'm going to do this.
I was like I was thinking like way ahead so there was one
Professor and I was like, that's my guy.
I'm going to be really forward. I'm going to go open a bit,
introduce myself. I ended up sending him an email
and saying look, I think I'm autistic.
I want to do this in my third year.
Y de blah de blah and he was great.
He was he was like my person that I would go to and he was my
supervisor, in my third year. He was my supervisor.
At Masters level. And he's still my supervisor now
because we've built that relationship and He knows that I
send a lot of emails and he expect that, but I was always
kind of. I found it.
Like you said, I couldn't process things when I was in the
middle of the lecture. So afterwards, I'd be like, had
gone knock on his door. We'd have like really like
in-depth conversations and I'd leave.
And I'd be like, okay, I get it. Now that was really, really
helpful and it's not being afraid to ask questions because
I was always terrified to ask questions, but the But Jim was
really nice. So they want to help you.
So ask the question and deaf having like a friend.
I had. I only had one though, and she
was my friend like all the way through.
So we would like talk to each other about like the classes and
we study together. What I was the one and I found
this really helpful. I had folders and folders of
notes and they were brightly colored and Lots of highlighters
and I have flashcards. And I was the one that came in
and everyone was like, what is this?
And I'm like, it's my revision. You know, I go all out making
notes and having flash cards, and things, he's really helpful
and because I'm like, a kinesthetic /.
Visual learner. Having flashcard bright colors.
Really helped me, but I might, and it's nice to have that
friend because me, and my friend would like work together.
I'd show her my notes and she'd show, Has.
And it is really nice because you do form connections and it's
over something that you both have an interest in.
You want to learn, you want to be there.
So having someone that shares, that is really, really nice.
But yeah, I'm trying to think. What was the other point, you
said, but I have forgot. So that's a really good one.
I have an obsession with office supplies and I always have a
dire basket of colored highlighters and pencils and
have all different size index cards lined and unlined.
And I have folders and oh I got to share with you my new binder.
Oh, wow, I mean, okay. I saw it.
I have to have that thing is if you have bright colors and
things are appealing. It's I find it easier to learn.
Yeah, I take it in more. Well, in a it's also it's like I
discovered and I'm just going to say I use lots of different
highlighter colors and I even do it in my Kindle week when I'm
reading and I highlight something.
I have a specific color for a specific thing, right?
So no. Okay.
Yes, you too. So it's like, if it's the
question or the topic for this section, it's in blue for me,
and then the answer or the supporting evidence.
I do in a different. Water and I will do it, you
know, and if it's a secondary or tertiary, then it has its own
little color because it's not just the main point, right?
And I noticed that for me, it has a lot to do with that
dopamine. Hit for my ADHD side of my
brain. That's like I like the variety.
I like the stimulation because like you I'm a kinesthetic
learner. I'm very auditory.
But my processing can be slow for certain things, like for
music. It's super fast and I can
remember a lyric the first time I hear.
Here it I own I even have like what I call predictive lyric
ability, like all Here song for the very first time and for some
reason I can immediately kind of pick up the lyric and sing
along. It's really weird.
Apparently. No one is normally doing this.
People are like, that's weird. How do you do that?
I was like, I don't know, I could sit in a classroom and not
be able to process something, but I could hear a song and it's
different. It's just one of their things
but knowing and kind of learning those things about yourself and
your Style and just doing something that makes you feel
comfortable, but makes you feel happy while doing it.
It's really important because it makes all the difference.
I like things to be pretty and I like them.
When they look nice. It makes me happy.
So if I can make my boring lecture notes, look, nice.
I want to read them. So it's so true and there's a
lot to be said for, Just the environment that you set up
because I am really bad. I can't sit down and study if
there's a mess or if there's something that's going to
visually distract me because I'm like squirrel.
And the next thing I know I'm like rearranging my closet and
I've got a testimony. But I can't sit down and
concentrate and focus because I can see something.
It's kind of Z. So having a study area that you
keep that's you know, where you've got some fun stuff.
Like I keep my bracelet and, you know, I even now at 47, you
know, doing what I do. I'm always taking a class.
I'm always doing something. I'm reading a book.
I'm doing something to educate and expand my mind.
It's really important. Just On a human level to know
that you're always learning, you're always growing, you're
always expanding your knowledge base because that is one of the
parts of being us. That makes our world enjoyable.
I enjoy doing that. But I also know that I still
have those study skills that I developed my color coding and
things like that and making it pretty.
But having that environment where I know I study So that I'm
not easily distracted. That was a big one for me.
Like, I've got fidget things and stuff.
I can come to channel my nervous, busy energy because I
have a lot of that. And being able to focus in look,
you do not have to sit still to study by the way.
So, right? Like, Vicki and I have, we both
run, we are not pretty Runners. We are not fast Runners, but
it's a rhythm. It's giving your brain that
escape. And you know, what I do is I
really I have you. We take that time when I'm
running or when I go out hiking or walking.
That's when I process the information.
I'm thinking about studying or about you.
Yeah, I'm exactly the same. I find that my desk in my
computer and everything is in my bedroom.
So my beds just around the corner and I hate it because my
bedroom and everything here is like a distraction, but because
I live with my parents. I don't have any of the space so
I make do. So, it's really hard.
For me, so I prefer going out to University, pre covid-19, could
because it's quiet and it's just, it's easier.
But definitely having a space. I like having like, so, like a
sensory space while I'm working. So all my like, Tech lights up,
and I have like, fidgets and stuff, and it's really nice to
look at. So it helps me like to regulate
while I'm working, which is really, really important, but I
do find that when I'm Learning. That is why time where I do?
I process everything. So I've been going through,
like, research interviews at the moment and when I'm out running,
I'll think. Oh, yeah, that's a really great
thing and the idea of come to me while I'm out because I'm in the
zone when I'm running. I'm so focused.
And that's what I get my great ideas, and it's great because
then I can come back and think that was a great run.
It was actually a really bad run and I would really slow.
Whoa, but I got really good ideas from it.
And it's fantastic. I love that.
I don't even I don't even focus
on my time. I don't look at that.
And mean I look at my distance for the simple fact that right.
Now I signed up for this Fender and 60 km challenge it and I'm
over halfway there. It has been a smooth steady
process because I started at the end of January and I'm just kind
of there, but, but I was thinking about the other day.
I was like, you know, it doesn't, it's not It is.
It's my mental health time. It's my processing time and like
you, that's when I get my really great ideas.
That's when I go like solve a problem that my subconscious has
been working on and that was another thing.
It's like when I run into things that I haven't figured them out
yet. I haven't solved the problem
that were the penny hadn't dropped so to speak.
And it hasn't made sense to me something that I'm learning or
studying. What I found is the more I try
and focus and force myself to understand it.
The more resistant, my brain is to solving it, but I noticed
that when I just go, okay, and I trust that my subconscious brain
is going to solve that problem, and I just like, I'm just going
to set it to the side. It'll come.
And it's amazing because it's usually on those walks or Those
runs where I'm thinking about something else that all of a
sudden poof. There it is.
I find that as well and the waiting is.
I hated running when I was younger because we did cross
country at school. It was awful.
But as an adult, I love it. It is that time where I can just
get out and just forget everything and just go and have
a nice run. So I think I'm not necessarily
saying people should start running.
Try it. See if you like it.
You might like it might actually enjoy it but finding that time
away from school away from everything else where it's just
you. I'm a bit self-care bit of
exercise, just a bit of stimming and fidgeting having that set
time. For yourself is really important
because there's so much going on at school.
And sometimes, you need to step away from that.
And just be with yourself. Yes, excellent advice.
Look, there are lots of days in there's lots of times, where my
physical health doesn't allow me to run.
So I'll just go for a short walk.
Even if If it's just up the street and back that's it.
It's sometimes it's just enough to kind of give you that little
breathing room. And the other thing is that you
cannot maintain and work at this level up here all the time.
It is not possible. Vicki.
There was this just as well as I do.
She does it from the psychology side.
I know it from the Neuroscience side.
Your brain is not designed to maintain that type of constant
work. Our brains work in cycles, and
we do really well in spurts and bursts and blocks of time.
But we have to have Restoration in between your brain has to
have space to recover to rest. And honestly, when I started to
put in those blocks of time in those areas of rest, just to go
have fun just to play. I mean go jump on the trampoline
at the neighbor's house. I mean, I just, you know,
there's just certain things that I've I do and I learned over
time, it was really important to do in order to really be
effective and efficient when I was working because when I was
under the misguided belief that I had to operate up here all the
time, 24/7, that's the best place to get yourself into
burnout. It is.
And when I was in like high school, middle school, all I did
was like, stress about school and I was so focused on like
getting really, really good grades that that took over
everything and then I lost a lot of like time because I look at
myself now and I'm like almost 30.
And I think what did I do? That was like fun.
When I was in like high school. What did I do?
When I was a teenager? ER, like late teens.
Yeah, I had fun, but I've missed so much because I was so worried
about my grades and everything around me that I missed out on
so much. And I was so exhausted.
Did everything giving yourself time to just go and have fun.
Well, there's a lot of research out there about how play really
changes your life and play is not just for children.
It is even more for adults. It really is.
And I found that I found and reclaimed that sense of joy and
wonderment in my adult life when I learned to play again, or play
for the first time, really, because I didn't play as a
child. I don't know about you.
I didn't play, I was very serious.
Yeah, I was kind of like that. I'd play by myself and I was
very, you know myself so I would play with myself and I talked to
my toys. I wouldn't like play outwardly
with anyone else and one thing that I think is important as
well. Is that when you're a child,
Your parents like they want you to play and you have imagination
and play with toys and things. But then when you get to your
teams and your in high school, it's like oh, well, you can't
play anymore. You're a teenager.
You're going to be an adult soon.
You know, you can't, that's not age-appropriate, you know,
you're in school. You need to focus on that and
don't be silly. You know, you can't go out and
play with your friends, but it's important as parents that you
let your child play. Just just let them, they need
that time. That's an apple.
Now. I have toys and things.
I hope they like toys all the time.
And my parents think that, why are you buying more toys?
And I'm like, I like toys toys are fun.
Well, but they're not age-appropriate.
And I'm like, I don't care. It's my enjoyment and I love
that. And for a parent to say, no,
don't play, don't take that time for yourself.
It can be really difficult. So give playtime.
Lutely, and you know, one of the things I even have in the
introduction for this show is that we go against the
mainstream, we go against societal Norms here.
And one of those is exactly that the societal Norm made say, And
it's an old outdated broken Norm because we know that it's
broken. We know that all people of every
age need to play that toys are not just for toddlers.
Toys are for everybody. It brings enjoyment.
And here's the thing. That's the shift we're making
when we start to have this conversation here together and
we start to shift those broken societal in the worms.
It's not that we are too old for toys.
That's silly really. But let's think about it.
That's silly. We're never too old for toys.
That's just this. You have to be grown up in very
serious to be an adult. Well, people we know that as a
broken belief. We know that that's not true.
If you look at people in the world, you look at adults, you
look at like a million different millionaires that are out there
today, they play. Anybody that you see that's
really happy that that successful in what they do and
they found a balance between work and play.
They're the most fulfilled people.
So why in the world would we deny ourselves the joy and the
pleasure of play as an adult? Because you know what, I can
adult and still play. It's like the whole special like
interests things like, focused interests.
Like I always used to find the School was a nightmare and when
I came home, I would obsess over like something.
So for me, it's like sculptures. So I guess what I'm doing.
Have you heard about this? Have you heard about this and
such and such a but it was made by this person and it was this
year and I'd go into all this detail about this thing because
it was a way for me to like distress and self-regulate after
a hard day at school, but my parents are very old.
Well, we've just come home from work and we're tired and we just
want to sit down. We do.
Hair about your interests. Again, you talk about them all
the time. It's tiring.
Can you talk about something else?
And I hate that. This is the thing that I hear so
often, it's like, please let people autistic people engage in
their special interests because that is self care in a way and
you may be tired of hearing about it.
Enthusiasm and passion and the joy we get from Um, that is
incredible whether it's age appropriate or not, for me
coming home from school and engaging in that interest just
like changed everything and it allowed me to cope going into
school the next day. Absolutely.
When you come home from school, guys, you do not have to
immediately get to your homework.
You don't immediately have to like get it done in order to
earn your play time. You have just been in school for
eight hours. You have earned some rest.
Okay, that was the one thing that was really important.
For me, was when I got home from school.
I got a snack and I sat in front of the TV and I watched my
special. My special shows that I love,
because they made me happy like Fraggle Rock.
Because we love Fraggle Rock. And by the way, I'm still
singing that song in my head since we talked about it the
other day, but being able to have that time to just like do
nothing to be quiet to be, still to engage in something, that
brings you Joy. And that's fun for you.
I, it would take two or three hours for me to get to a point
where I had the brain power in the bandwidth to do homework.
And if I was up till 9:00 or 10:00.
Night to finish. So what so what it is not like,
prescribed bedtime, that's going to make a difference because all
I would do is be laying their wide awake, and it just made me
physically stressed. So, parents, adults, kids, when
you get home from work, it was the same.
I mean, I would work all day long in a corporate job as a
hospital administrator. I come home and I was done.
I had just exerted all my energy.
EG doing a million different things all day long.
I have walked five miles around a hospital pair of heels, you
know, it was time for a break and when you get home, having
those those routines set up in those healthy boundaries for
yourself for your children, for your spouse because everybody
needs that time when they first get home from work or school, or
whatever it is that you've been doing for the day to be able to
just Wind in transition, and then it also allows you to
restore that energy so that you can be a really great parent.
You can be that really great spouse.
You can be that really great kid or even, you know, brother or
sister, because you've got the spoons to show up and just sit
and listen to somebody or two to talk and have a conversation.
I think we all have to be able to recognize that the people in
our life even if they're not neuro distinct like us, they
need that. Time to and we all have to find
short of that balance in our relationship, so that we're
being respectful and honoring of one another, I think, like you
said coming home and watching TV, I will do that, but I never
really understood until now is why I need that time because
like I said you have just done a full school day.
Your brain is as been on maximum all the way through and you you
need time to process everything. Is a lot and I think this is one
thing. Teachers don't really get well,
take all the homework. It's a lot and you are expected
to go home. And then the first thing you do
is do your homework, then you can relax.
But if you've not got the capacity or energy to do your
homework, you're never going to do it.
It's never going to get done. So, having that set time, like
you said, is so important and it's just letting go of the
Comparison. And the belief that you have to
do something a certain way. You don't have to do anything.
In any particular way. I'd say all the time.
You don't have to you don't have to do anything in any particular
prescribed way other than what works for you and take the time
to be the scientist in this and sort of figure out what works.
Try some different things, you know, be in communication and
observation of yourself of your choice.
Ryan, or if, if you're the child, you know, be observant
and kind of bring it up to your parents to say, you know, hey, I
noticed that when I get home from school, I need a minute.
When you get home from work, mom.
Do you need a minute? Do you need some time to process
and, you know, not have us asking a million things, you
know, because I know that I need that time when I get home from
school, and when you relay things in that way, people go.
Oh, yeah, I do. And they start to reflect and
notice how they feel. And if you say, Say you need
something to. Then.
They're like, Huff. I feel this way.
Maybe they feel that way too. And when you start to share
that, that's when things start changing.
And that's when we've got that deeper true or connection to
better understand one another and we're bridging that Gap,
that happens. So often as you said, it is so
important to communicate our because otherwise my parents
would be like, why are you doing that?
Why are you not doing what you should be doing?
But then once you say, oh, well, I'm just taking a break because
I need a bit of Sunny to process everything.
It's like, alright. Okay, that's fine.
So having that two-way communication is really, really
helpful and it does like it strengthens your relationships
as well. It does because it shifts, you
know, we tend to hear the psychology person here in this
relationship. But what I've learned Mickey,
and I'm sure you probably have some things to add to this one
is that, you know, with alexithymia, I wasn't always
able to express or identify like I would feel all the feels but I
didn't know how to identify it, to explain it or to even know
what that was. And if I had had someone to say
to me. Hey, when you get home from
school, what do you notice, you know, what are some things that
you're starting to notice like? What do you avoid doing?
What do you try and seek to do? And sometimes this those little
highlights help you talk through and sort of identify what it is
that you need, because I couldn't identify that.
That's what I needed. I was avoiding schoolwork.
I didn't even I drop my backpack at the back door in the laundry
room, and I wasn't getting it till I was ready.
And that's just sort of like one of those identifiers.
It's like So, I immediately needed a snack and I wanted to
sit down and please don't talk to me.
My ears are tired. They feel like they're bleeding
after eight hours of listening, but I didn't know how to express
that, but my, my behavior. My choice in activities, spoke
to that. So if I was a able to identify
that or have somebody help me identify that earlier, it would
have helped. What do you think on that one?
Vicki? I agree with completely.
It's a process of like trial and error.
If you're doing it for yourself. You have to figure out.
Okay. Well What am I doing?
Why am I doing this? And is identifying what you
need? But having someone, if you're a
parent to just kind of work through it with you and say,
look, what do you do when you come home?
Let's on picket. Let's have a sit down and think
what do you need in order to help you do your homework or in
order to help you get a few more spoons?
I think it's, that's a great idea.
And it is really helpful because I could recognize how I was
feeling. I knew that I was sad or I was
happy. P, but my issue was I couldn't
Express that, so I would feel it but I didn't know how to tell
someone this is how I'm feeling. So a lot of the time I would
write letters to people because that was my way of figuring it
out. And what my parents would do.
My mum would write letters back to me which I loved I'd say,
look, I'm really sorry that I shouted at you.
I've been really upset. I've had a bad day and she would
write a letter back saying, look.
Understand that school is making you anxious and I'd be like
school is making me anxious. She's right.
And she had picked up on stuff that I didn't realize, which can
be, which was for me, really, really helpful.
So I was able to express how I was feeling but I was also able
to learn what was going on, which then me and my mom were
able to figure out. Okay.
This is what is actually happening and this is what you
need. Oh my gosh, that is so
brilliant. I love that.
Oh, that is so good.
And I think, you know, speaking is as a mom.
I had to be aware of my own needs.
In order to show up and help my children, navigate their needs
and that was one of the things that made a big shift in our
household because I wasn't Snappy and I wasn't impatient.
And I wasn't yelling and I because I hate yelling but I had
turned into a yeller because I was so burned out, I was so
frustrated and my needs were going on that.
So long, I had been denying and suppressing them trying to put
perform this list of things that I was supposed to quote unquote,
be doing and I wasn't playing and I wasn't having fun and I
wasn't self caring and I wasn't doing anything.
I was doing all the stuff for everybody else.
I thought I was supposed to be doing and guys, just so, you
know, your house does not have to be like showroom.
Perfect. You do not have all your laundry
done. Ah, that is relatable.
Every time we have someone come around to the house.
My mom is Ways everyone quick. Now, tidy the house type of the
house, but you live in this house.
It's lived. It people aren't going to expect
it to be spotless with those that old broken societal norm
and societal belief that you know, we've ascribed to
somewhere along the generations. Our grandparents told our
parents. Our parents are telling us
you're being judged on how clean your house is and that is
speaking to who you are and your quality of Person and all this
kind of unspoken stuff that nobody talks about guys.
If I go to somebody's house. I am not going to see how clean
their houses. I'm not walking around with a
white glove. Checking the baseboards.
I mean, come on, my mother would go bananas for like, oh my gosh,
it has to look like a museum, you know, don't touch anything.
Everything has to be clean and everything is in its place, and
there's no clutter and, you know, that's really nice and you
have a place for your I'd arrest.
But the, the stress to maintain that, it's just Horrible, and I
don't go see somebody's house. I go see them.
Remember that, somebody's there to see you, not your house and
if they're there and they have their tacky enough to say
something about the quality or or the state of your house.
That is not your person that saw that.
Not you. And the thing is with, with that
with every set of taking time for yourself.
It's setting boundaries. I know for me.
As a university student. I live with my parents and my
husband and we have a four year old.
So I have to Thermal 8 set my boundaries.
I have to say look. This is my study time.
This is when I am unavailable because that is my boundary.
So it's hard when there's so much else going on and you do
need to study so setting that boundary and that time for
yourself to actually get your work done is really helpful.
That is a really good one. I'm like you we are living in a
multi-generational multifamily. Existence right now, you know,
we moved to Colorado and we build a house and are said I
don't want to live here. This isn't for me.
We moved cross-country to Kentucky.
And so we're all living together while we're finding property
while we're waiting to build houses because the cost of
construction materials is ridiculous right now.
Because of all of the worldwide factors over the last two years.
So in that, you know, you've got more noise than if it's just you
and your spouse or just you and your kids, you've got more
personalities and people and things to navigate, and it is so
important to be able to set those boundaries for yourself,
to make sure that you've got things in place that help you,
restore your energy, even in your own home environment.
And to make sure you're commuting.
Katie goes with the people that you live with.
It's really really important because it's not just about your
boundaries in your restoration. It's also making sure and
helping those that live with you get theirs and set there's two.
Sometimes, not everybody knows how to do that.
It's a learned skill. And that thought is and once
you've set your boundaries and other people no, look she's not
available at this time. You can set up your own routine,
especially like for going back to school after the summer
having like a plan, like a detailed plan and having a
routine ready to kind of get back into, is really helpful.
Yeah. My youngest son.
Start school back on, August the night and he and I were talking
yesterday. And I said, okay.
Have you gotten your schedule yet?
Do you know what your classes are and where they are, you
know, he's going to be a junior and so Heat.
This is a school. He's been going to for three
years. So he knows where everything is.
It's that it, you know, it was just one of those things and I'm
like, hey, you know, what are you doing?
He's like, well, I'm about to go to the movies with some friends.
I'm like, okay, that's great. You know, have you gotten your
supply list to go ahead and start planning us it because,
you know, this is August 1st, and you've Nine days to start
getting ready. And I said A week is a good bit
of time. You know I said because if you
start doing just a little bit just break it down.
I just do a little bit one thing each day.
It's going to be a lot easier than you trying to cram it all
in to the night before and you know, Mom Dad and grandparents
don't want to run you to the Dollar General when everything's
bought out already the night before school starts.
Because, you know, that's one of those things that's like when
you say, I can't do it for him because I wouldn't be helping, I
would be creating a bigger thing, but I can help him by
saying, let's structure this out and break it down because you
are now responsible for doing these things.
And I don't make him responsible for everything at once.
I add one thing at a time and I let him get comfortable with it.
You got to do the same thing with yourself.
I agree. I think doing it step by step.
He's really helpful the idea of To get the night before, which
terrifies, me Vicky your tips, your insights, all the beautiful
things that you have shared. Thank you so much for them.
Thank you for taking your knowledge, and your experience
and sharing it with everybody today.
So just so everybody knows. This is Vicki, third appearance
on the talk show. She is the most visited guest.
I love it. I love it.
Vicki.
I am a huge fan. What you do and how you do it.
I love you and your podcast and everything you do so much and I
absolutely love that. It's been a discussion, hasn't
it? We've been back and forwards,
but it's been really nice to just have like a free-flowing
conversation. And as you've said things, I
thought, oh, yeah. I just thought something.
And it's been really, really lovely.
And I really hope that someone out there.
Find this helpful me too, because one of the purposes This
whole segment for the month of August for back-to-school is
that we're not just giving you some rubber meets the road, kind
of things to help yourself. If you're a parent student or a
teacher. We're also speaking to you, my
lady identified friend, because there's healing in
understanding, some things and some forgiveness.
And some letting go of those false limiting really broken
narrative believes that we had in school.
So even if just listening to this conversation as Just, it's
just you, but your use you all by yourself.
It's okay. That's it's here for you.
Because part of this is that you're learning things.
More about yourself, as you're discovering, what autism is in
your life and what are being autistic needs to you?
Because it's different for each person.
And I hope that hearing some of these things is helping you to
recognize become aware and to let go and to forgive, and to
have some Grace and compassion for yourself.
Thanks for being here. Vicki.
Thanks for being here with us this week.
Next week. I have Mara Rose from sassy
artistic pineapple girl, and we're going to be talking about
some amazing things that happen in the classroom from stemming
to eye contact and how as a student and a teacher and a
parent, we can all come together to embrace the things that help
regulate all neuro types. See you next week.
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