Katie, I'm sorry, I didn't you good.
I'm good. I'm sorry.
No, I'm always. I'm alright, folks.
Those of you are not watching live on Twitch.
Hello, everybody. I every time before we record, I
think of a million different individual, little things that
might make stuff a little bit better and I can't I can't get
off of them, adjust the mics. I mean, I turn off the
computers. What the other day.
I spent like an hour and a half. To find a program that could
turn off just my computer fans. So I can still run my computer,
but just turn the fans on camera.
It took like an hour and a half, and I don't think we ended up
doing a podcast that dick cuz I spent all day trying to Morgan
the bucket that we did. Not make a podcast yesterday.
That's why we're doing this today.
It's true. It's you turn into like, you
know, when a dog is the Zoomies. Yeah, it's like that.
You get like the pipe as you ease, where it's like, I'm just
like sitting quietly like waiting for you to like start,
but then you just keep like running around.
Around it, like doing shit. And I'm just like, well, I'm
sitting here. I didn't know that about myself.
I really am afraid. I really am, you know, like
cause now I can anticipate and be like, hey, you know, I tend
to get finicky before, like, starting a recording project
thing. I start tweaking stuff, you
know, like I know that about myself, which is useful to know,
it's useful know, but you don't know anything about it.
That's the problem. Well, I do, this is me doing
something about it. This is me doing something.
Remember how I said I'm doing 80 and I says, I do not like, this
is me doing some really Godly. I know that about myself.
They accept about myself and that's, you know, what it is.
You want to start us off with that iconic.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. I know.
It's Ryan. Hi everybody.
It's me. Katie.
Asara siloed. It's me a good.
Welcome back to be anyone's request.
All we gotta do is we gotta figure out what to do with that.
It's a lot of power having me. Hi, it's me, Katie.
Asaurus. I know I have, I can start you
guys whatever I want because just before that.
It's just bullshitting around and then I say hi, everybody,
it's me. Katie source.
And then it's like a real podcast, but before that, it's
childish, bullshit, just black coffee is bullshit.
It's all just chatter gotta. We were like, checking out at
the grocery store talking to like the grocer and you just
said, hi. It's me.
Cait historicai, just be like, yes.
I held his me a good goddamn hahoe.
Just say that I'm gonna try to start it.
The next time we go to Costco. Absolutely.
Hi everybody. So can segue talking about
amazing segue, knowing yourself, knowing yourself, kick butt and
I just want to be very clear when we talk about knowing
ourselves. Not talking about like in the
biblical sense, right? We're talking about like we're
never really ever be able. We God, I came all this way.
I know God damn it. I was told it would be cookies
and talk about masturbation. It's true.
I wasn't. You say masterbating
masterbation on Twitch. But here we are.
Well, yeah, I feel ya, it's Priceless.
That's right. I forgot.
But I've been thinking about, I'm getting yourself a lot
lately because I just turned 28. My birthday was.
Hey, and so I'm like it officially in what my friends
would call the huh? The sunset of My twenties.
Since it occurred to Sunset of light were very dramatic.
This is extremely dramatic, you know, you got a little bit of
that judge in life, but I know I officially feel like almost like
an old guy, but, you know, like I was the oldest young person in
my like, group, when I was like younger.
Yeah, and I keep thinking about like, what I didn't know, then
that I know now. And one of them is how literal
the phrase. Get to know yourself is like,
how much getting You know, yourself is not like a platitude
of like, you know, let's go to the woods and like walk around
and get to know yourself, you know, yourself as a literal
process of like, getting to know a fucking stranger like in the
same way that, you know, if you're stuck in an elevator with
somebody and you gotta make small talk, like, you're getting
to know that person the same with, you get to know anybody
getting to know yourself as literal and realizing that has
like profoundly changed. A lot for me, particularly in
terms of like my prospecting perfectionist to ADHD brain, you
know. Yeah, like as I for some I
always like to think of myself as like a blank slate and I
could become whatever kind of person I wanted to be and I
mean, obviously you should you know, resolve to be a kind
person all that stuff. But like all the annoying ADHD
symptoms of like having my desk be super fucking dirty all the
time and always having dishes in my sink.
I always figured like one day, I will be the kind of person
That's like excellent at keeping a great desk and amazing at
doing dishes and stuff like that.
And you know, perhaps I'll get better at them and develop
systems and China being good at them.
But the fundamental truth about it of the fact that I am a
person who struggles with that kind of stuff.
I feel like I was just sort of in denial about that forever
because I always thought of getting to know yourself as
being like, what do you aspire to be?
Not like what are you now? Yeah, I guess I don't know.
I feel like I feel like this is a really simple like not silly
time but this This is like a strange time to do this podcast
because for our dear listeners at home.
Eric this this idea came up like two two days ago three days ago.
Yes, like this idea came up like three days ago in the car and
Eric presented and I want huh? And then I went home and I
realized that Eric was like that was like the first time that
anybody had ever explained it to me in a way.
That made sense in my head and so like that was very strange.
That was a very strange moment of realizing that I had always
sort of like contextualized getting to know yourself or
like, you know, who you are as this like completely different
completely like nebulous thing. And I had always sort of like, I
don't even know how to like, I don't even know how to describe
it because it's like part of it is like realizing how like, I
don't say like, Wrong, but just how like differently I looked at
it and for me a lot of it had to do with the future.
Like for me. It was always like in the
future. I'm going to be a person who
like goes to the gym every day or I'm going to be a person
whose house is organized or I'm going to be this.
I'm going to be this year. I'm going to be this and then
you started talking about the idea of like getting to know
yourself like you're a stranger and I was like, oh, That's
different than what I understood this to be.
And I'm still like wrapping my head around it.
But I like, I'm not exaggerating when I say that.
Like, it was a perspective changing moment of having that,
like different contacts in that different sort of, like, way of
looking at it. And so, now, like, for the past,
like three days, I've been in this, like, very weird mindset
of like, oh, okay. Like I can I Can I can I can
deal with this but it's been really weird.
It's been really weird. It's super fucking weird dude.
Yeah. Well, I okay you brought up the
future thing because I think I think a difference between I
guess the kind of self-exploration and self
getting to knowing that you were just describing of like I'm
going to be this in the future. I'm going to do that the
difference between that and like a more objective.
What am I actually right? Now?
You know, what were those are what I want to be and who I want
to become? What am I right now?
I think the difference between that is sort of the difference
Willie. It's time.
I think is ultimately the sort of more judgy.
Who do I want to be in Plies later?
Not right now, but later like right now is just satisfactory.
But like later on you know who I am, is where I want to be.
Not just who I am. Yeah.
So I think time of intrinsically falls into play or just focusing
on now, like what are you now my tummy just grumbled but focusing
on just like right now, what am I right now rather than Than,
what do I want to be? That tends to help me out, like,
ground me and more of an accepting mindset rather than
like an altering control. You mindset.
Yeah. Well, I think, I mean, okay
Officer. No.
No, I mean, I mean, one of the things that it's sort of like
considering it from that mindset of like just getting to know
yourself as opposed to like choosing stuff for yourself.
Like that is another big part of it for me is because like, I've
always chosen Based on this idea of like what I was supposed,
what I thought I was like supposed to be doing but like
like so like watercolors or like a really good example, right?
Because like recently I've been like playing around with
watercolors. What I am realizing is like I
enjoy it. I enjoy like just sort of like
futzing. Like I'm not good at it.
I'm not making like incredibly good art, but I enjoy sort of
just the changeability of it and usually futzing around. but
like, There's a lot of times in my life where stuff like that
were, like, I wasn't particularly good at it or, you
know, whatever. I was like, oh, I should be
doing this other thing. I should be, you know, if I'm
going to be into art, that I should be signing up for art
lessons or whatever, but I feel like the perspective of, you
know, getting to know yourself as like, no, like I'm getting to
know. Myself as just like somebody who
enjoys casually watercoloring. Like it doesn't I don't have to
be an artist. I don't have to be anything that
I'm not already. I am just a person who enjoys,
you know, messing around with watercolors on the patio when
it's a nice day. And that's Ben.
It's, I can't, I can't figure out a way of explaining.
I really can't. I can't figure it out because
I've always contextualized it in such a different way.
Yeah, it's always come with judgment.
It's always come with a but I could be doing this better or I
could be getting better. I could be working harder or I
could be whatever. But like, you know.
Can I like completely derail for a second and tell stories?
So, so I've been thinking about this a lot for the past, like,
three days. And but is also for me.
It's like, really common to focus with like some of the
stuff that I've been talking about in therapy.
And a lot of what I've been talking about is like the fact
that I really struggle to articulate my needs.
I really struggle to articulate like what I want or how I'm
feeling and all of that kind of stuff.
Off. And I think it, and I genuinely
think, like, the sort of like, you know, podcast breakthrough
that I've had about it is that it's always been because I'm
like, I don't even want to say, like placing external judgment,
but it's like, if I want to paint, right?
If I want to go out on the patio and and pain in my head.
I'm going well. Should I be doing that?
Is there something better that I can be doing?
Like, is there something more productive?
Should I be? You know, making content or like
whatever the thing maybe. And so I've never given myself
space to just Do the thing because the person that I am
wants to go paint and play with watercolors on the patio.
It's always been with an additional layer of judgment.
It's always been with an additional layer of evaluation
or deciding that, you know, no, that's not right, or it's not
correct or it's not the best or the most optimal and that's been
like, really weird to realize. Like that's been that's been
extremely weird to unpack. And really start to see very
sharply and focus. All of those places.
I'm talking so much. I'm sorry.
Oh, no, I was like really heated up about this.
No, I'm gonna I think a big part of the having ADHD is knowing
what felt a strong Foundation. She was this.
It's a tick tock series. It doesn't matter.
I think a big part of, I want to say the stress of I also kind of
want a name, like these two types of of well, these two
versions of quote, getting to know yourself that we've
identified were one is a very sort of present based.
Like I enjoy watercolors. You know, like, whether whether
I think I'm good or bad or should quote unquote.
Should I get better? Whatever, like there's a, just
the factual. I enjoy watercolors kind versus
the more subjective. Whatever I am.
This is what I should be sort of things.
I guess, sort of or say objective and normative, you
know, we're like a gentle, you know, once your descriptive.
So anyways, I think one of the stresses if that's the word
about normative self self, exploration is the sort of myth
of perceived control about it. Yeah, I think sort of like, you
know character select page and like a video game.
Where you choose like their height and their skill sets and
all that stuff. We sort of like to think of
ourselves like that. Or at least I do.
I don't want to speak to people my experience.
I like to think of myself that way.
We're like, I'm building this character.
That is Eric and I get to choose all those attributes.
But the fact is that character doesn't start just blank, you
know, it's not like the fade, the gray Facebook default
picture or whatever, like that that that stained.
It doesn't come out blank. You start.
With default attributes and default Tendencies and default,
preferences. Some of which you can maybe
tweaked over time, some of which, you know, you might not
even look at that part of the menu until 35 years in there
looking like, oh, shit. Look at that.
I like watercolor. See now.
Yeah, I didn't see that part of my skill tree or whatever.
I think when you think of, when you think of yourself as being
like a blank character that you're sort of then filling out
checking boxes for with like fierce.
Objective logic, that's simply not the case.
And when we subscribe to things that are not the case, when we
exist in something, doesn't reality, I think on some level
that just causes stress in any situation.
Yeah. And so I think the the belief
that like I get to choose, you know, when you like let's say
you you watercolor for the first time, you know, I got was kind
of nice like that was a good way to spend a Friday.
Taking that and going. Okay.
What does this mean about? What I'm going to put in this
box, says new box. I've discovered called.
What watercolors does this mean I'm going to choose like Master
painter. That's going to be the identity
that I discover about myself today.
Something that I'm going to do something that's going to
happen. When in reality, the thing to
discover is, the defaulted box is just like, oh, I like
watercolors and I think being able to do that while also
holding separately. I like watercolors and I'm a
person who values getting Better at things.
And I'm seem to be particularly judgmental at myself for not
being as good as I think I should be.
Like, all of those are just a matter of fact, non-judgmental
just like, look at that. I struggle with this.
Look at that. I am a person who has a hard
time being as good as I am at something, and just accepting
that like all those things are just already true.
Anyways, you've had your finger on your nose.
That means you have a point, are you do?
Well, because I think some of it though also is tied up into At
least for me is tied up into my ADHD because like, I don't want
to speak for the group, but I know at least for me, like I've
had many different. I'm an entirely new person.
Now, moments in my life, you know what I mean?
And I think that's part of it is like because I like, there's
always this sort of like idea that like once you get really
into the hobby or whatever. And that's like part of your
identity, that becomes part of Who You Are.
Like I have been a blacksmith. I have been somebody who you
know, fights competitive broadsword.
Like I've done like all this like weird shit because I was
like hyper focused on, you know, costume designer, whatever it
was in the moment, but then those hyper fixations wears off,
we're off and and then that that identity is gone and it's like
that really? I think like the profundity of
that loss. Sometimes can be really
difficult to mitigate with this idea of knowing yourself as a
person. And so for me, like one of the
things that I've really, really done a lot of work on both.
Like, I mean, just like learning at about myself, but also just
accepting it about myself is that I don't have to Define
Myself by the thing that I'm doing, even though it's so easy
to do. But so like rather than saying
like I am a blacksmith or I am a costume designer, whatever the
the thing of the hyper fixation, I am a water colorist, you know,
like the hyper fixation of the moment.
Looking at it from a point from like a place of getting to know
myself and saying no, I'm a person who really likes new
hobbies. I'm a person who tends to get
hyper fixated for a while. I'm like these different things.
I'm a person who likes making things with my hands.
Like there's like these unifying factors in all of the stuff that
I've done that are still Very indicative of, I think like the
person that I actually am, but I've been so hung up before on
like identity and like, okay. Well then if I'm going to be a
blacksmith that I have to be a blacksmith, all the way like it
has to be, like the thing that I do and now I have an Etsy store
and like all the different shit. But in reality, I think it's
okay to just know yourself as a person who likes experiencing
new hobbies, it do. Kaito to meet yourself as a
person who's just inherently creative and wants to like, try
a whole bunch of creative shit. Yeah.
Absolutely. I think that makes me think of,
you know, we went in our line of work.
People will tell us that they just got diagnosed with ADHD or
they're about to go in for an evaluation and all that.
And something we always say is remember that getting a
diagnosis or not, getting dying, doesn't change anything about
who you are. We're just identifying something
and naming it or trying to identify what something is.
We're not, you know, nothing happens when you get the
diagnosis other than you now, find out about your diagnosis.
Similarly. I think these things these
truths about ourselves that I think we'd all up to be into,
you know, aspirations or to be more normative.
Those truths about ourselves are true whether or not we realize
it. And so I think doing this
process of being of realizing like, Oh, I'm a person who tends
to get really into a hobby for a week and a half and then forget
it exists. Like whether or not you
acknowledge that, as a matter of fact, not just mentally not like
I'm fuck. I'm a person who, you know, just
yeah, factually matter if I, yeah, you got dealt a hand when
you were born and that's part of it.
That's true whether or not you decide to think about it that
way, it's just thinking about it that way and naming that, and
realizing it just gives you more information about yourself about
this character, that you've been assigned at Birth.
Which again, I think is why there's the phrase Getting to
Know Yourself is so / has become so profound to me as I realize
that, you know, when you're born, you're given this video
game character that has like, you know, a randomized D&D stats
and all that stuff, you know, and we like to think of This is
like, filling out our character sheet, but like know, your
character sheet already had a bunch of shit on it.
When you were born, you know, and stuff got filled out
throughout your life without you knowing, you know, and it just
is what it is and it's true, whether or not you're aware of
it. And so doing an objective
non-judgmental, sort of fearless.
Who and me, we know what am I my preferences from very serious
things too. Like, it took me forever to even
admit that. Like, I liked milk in my coffee
because I figured like, oh, there's got to be some like Like
Optimal way to drink coffee. So, I just wouldn't allow myself
to established a preference on something until I felt like, I
knew exactly how I wanted to fill out that box, you know, the
best way to drink coffee or something like that.
So I think it's just important to know that that stuff is true.
Whether you realize it or not, and realizing it doesn't change
anything. It's just now, you know, well, I
think I'm trying to figure out how I want to say this but like
I think if I Was, if I'm like, sitting at home and I'm
listening to this podcast. Hello.
I hope your walk is going well, how those dishes coming soon.
The guy walked up s a walk. Your walk is going on.
Um, but so, but I think one of the things with that is it could
be really easy to hear that and go.
Okay. So all the places where I'm an
asshole or all the places where I let people down or all of the
places where I do. Maybe XYZ negative behaviors.
I'm hooray. I'm not culpable anymore.
And I'm, I'm absolved because that's just the person that I
am. And I think that when you sort
of like think critically about it and you think it's sort of
like, I don't even know the word that I want to use like all,
like, like encompassing your the entirety of you.
Like if you're getting to know yourself, sometimes you are
going to find things that you don't like about yourself or
that you, you know, in getting to know yourself.
You realize like, oh, I tend to be really reactionary.
I tend to be really defensive or whatever, but I think rather
than excusing that and saying, oh, well, that's just the player
character that I was given. It's a really powerful tool for
Like non-judgmentally looking at those moments and looking at
those factors and saying, but as a as a whole person who knows
myself and knows my likes my dislikes, and all that stuff.
I can actively take steps to work on those places and, you
know, or like get better at Watercolor, you know, or like
whatever the thing, maybe. But it's not like I'm doomed to
a life of being an asshole because that's just the
character that I was assigned. Its A tool.
I think rather to say okay. I know that I can tend to be an
asshole and knowing myself and knowing that about myself what
steps can I take in order to mitigate the damage that that
could cause to other people? All right.
That makes sense. Yeah, so yeah.
Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up because I looking back on
those few of the things I said, I certainly want to clarify that
you are accountable for your own actions and how you actually
people. You know, so I don't mean, I
don't mean to say, well, you might realize one day like, oh
actually I'm an asshole. And Now I'm going to make a
release probably why I just want to clarify.
Yes. I totally agree.
And I think we only gain agency over.
We only age will only gain any amount of agency over any given
thing about ourselves one in. How did I start that sentence?
Again? We're only given any amount of
agency about concerning the attributes of ourselves once
we're aware of them. And like so for example, if
you're an asshole, and you don't know it or don't, Allow yourself
to acknowledge it. It's going to be hard to stop
being an asshole because you're not know, you have to do, you
have to diagnose the problem first.
And so I think I'm thinking about the phrase known knowns,
known unknowns, and unknown unknowns.
I think it was, I think Dick Cheney said it at some point.
Fuck Dick Cheney. I'm sorry to quote, Dick Cheney.
Fuck that guy. But I learned about this quote
from him. But in any given set of
information, there are things that, you know, there are things
that, you know, that you don't know.
And there are things that you don't know that, you don't know,
there are things that you don't know that.
You just didn't even know where things that could.
Be known and I think the process of getting to know yourself is
the process of finding out of realizing those things that you
don't know about yourself. The in that you didn't know that
you didn't know about yourself. And I think that takes Fearless
exploration. I should say.
I'm sure that thought came up when you talked about being an
asshole and I could be like the other we're connected.
Fuck. But yeah, I think we only gauge
agency over the Tendencies of ourselves.
Once we do that exploration what they're doing.
I I lost this is like what you got so far to like
pseudo-intellectual. Pretentious podcast bullshit.
I do Del podcaster pretentious you.
They don't let you post it. Unless it's a certain level of
pretentious, true. You gotta say stuff like
Kierkegaard. I just I feel like it's really
important like not a lot of people are talking about this.
But anyways, in all seriousness, I think getting to know yourself
as a terrifying thing. I think one of those so scary.
I think one of the worst forms of loneliness and got talk about
pretentious is loneliness from the south is when you feel
estranged from yourself. And when we deny what we are in
order to lust over, who we want to be, that produces loneliness
from the self. And when we Able to pick up a
new hobby and then drop it, then pick up a new hobby and then
drop it rather than having to grieve for the Lost sense of
identity. Every time you think, oh, look
at that. I'm actually a blacksmith for
the rest of my life. That's what I turned out to be
in the next week. It's watercolors or something
like that. Realize that you're the same
person, you know, you haven't lost Identity or the same person
or the same rad mother fucka. The the part of it, the identity
part of it is that you're a person who tends to pick up
hobbies and then drop them. That's fine.
That is what it is, but When we realized those further back,
sort of objective non-judgmental truths about ourselves.
We allow ourselves to know the real us, the consistent us.
The identity that we don't have to worry about losing because it
just is your identity because, you know, John, the blacksmith
is not a blacksmith. He's John, you know what I mean?
Yeah. Yeah, you know, I think I would
put it down. Yeah, I think there's a there's
a, there's a self beyond all the things that you do and I think
Getting caught in the seam in the smaller judgments of who we
want to be as a really easy way to become a strange to that
person. Yeah.
Watch out. Genies police are coming.
Yeah, sirens in the distance. Okay, how much more time do we
have? We have three three whole
minutes left on this one. Well, is there anyone?
There was no, I mean, really now that we've talked about.
Is there anything you want to know?
I mean, I don't like I go on. I mean very sort of candidly and
very sort of like vulnerably like, I think that's that is one
of the biggest problems. Is that I recognize my own life
is that I've just I've become so estranged from like the person
that I actually am because I'm constantly trying to be the
person that I think I should be. And instead of just saying, no,
I'm a person who likes you, no fucking around with watercolors.
I'm like, no I have to be an expert water colorist or it's
not worth doing and it's like that's not true.
Like you're allowed to just Enjoy things because you are a
person who likes, you know, the way that the paint spreads out
when you put a little drop of water on it, you know what I
mean? Like, that's okay, but that's I
mean honestly, like I feel like that is a very succinct
description of one of the reasons why I struggle so much
is because I'm constantly putting that extra judgment or
that extra expectation. on to myself, rather than just Rather
than ever knowing. I'm, I'm still Overcomplicating
to like does that you know what I mean?
Nailed it. Crushed it.
Which meanwhile because I think we're too close to the to the
issue. Yeah, like we're so close to
ourselves like and in a way, I mean that like literally like
are literal perspective on life is it's very difficult to see
ourselves. We had to look in a mirror and
shit. Yeah.
Holy shit, I'm sorry. I lost it.
Those are the NHD is strong today.
I had it. Hold on.
That. Wow, yeah, yeah.
I totally lost it. Wow, that's see.
I'm in a way. I'm glad dear listener.
Hi, does that happen to you? It happens to us to have really
just letting him leave it in the podcast because that's what this
is normalize. It easy symptoms, baby.
It was Katie. We do have a patron saint to
record. We have one hell of a patriot.
We have it's going to be 20 minutes on your Ninth Symphony.
Let's hear it for what? It's worth.
I'm glad that I know the person you are.
Oh, thank you, sweetie. I'm glad to know you, too.