Hi everybody. It's me Katie asaurus pain.
It's me. Hey good and we're in the same
room. We are welcome to season two
infinite Quest. Oh yeah baby it's official.
It's officially season 2. I officially live in Georgia.
Leases have been signed boxes have been moved.
It's going down and we all had really all to all of you.
So really, thank you so much with your support.
Art during the move and your support while we were on the
road stuck in Oklahoma and calling tow trucks and retin.
You all's, we could not have done it without you just thank
you from the bottom of our hearts, really.
But from here on out season 2 of The Quest is gonna be the first
season where we do it completely together in the same room.
Yeah. We don't have to send every file
2,500 miles just to see each other.
It's it's it's going to be pretty nice.
Pretty excited about that. So this is our first live
episode from play on con we About nerd versions in gaming
and what gaming has done for us as our diversion people.
And also, just as people, it was a really fun time.
The crowd was very responsive. There's a brief Q&A section at
the end where people have some really nice questions, but
here's that episode and thank you so much again for everybody.
Thank you so much. Thank you so much to everybody
at play on con for having us. It was just a lovely time, very
hospitable just just delightful. Without further Ado, here is our
very first live episode. Transition, son of a bitch.
Hi everybody. It's me.
Katie story. Hey it's me a good.
And we are live and play on kind of mistake of looking at the
audio and I just want to go Sorry in advance for this huge.
Welcome to season two. Yeah, this is season.
The first-ever we didn't know I Seasons work, so we got to
episode 50 up season one. And then we just decided 50s, a
nice round number. We're gonna be a play on
constantly go. And then we got trapped in
Oklahoma. There really isn't a whole
thing, it's a whole week, but we were trying to figure out what
we wanted to talk about, and we've touched on this before we
touched on it earlier during the Roundtable.
And we've talked about it together in certain contexts,
but just over the last A couple days being in the car together
for 34 hours straight. And thinking about being here,
where I don't want to be for you Katie, but I've been slowly,
like opening doors in my head and turning over rocks and
realizing how much did the Rocks taste like fruit?
The rocks of Essex, like 40 pounds, baby, topically,
hilarious, what I've been turning over and I've been
realizing how the weird sometimes subtle sometimes not
It always that gaming in general, whether it's LARPing
video games which we've talked about on the podcast before
tabletop gaming. Car gaming has in a lot of ways.
Helped me illuminate, certain parts of my brain that I
otherwise would have particularly when it comes to my
ADHD and depression expound expel.
Oh well no this is a two-minute episode.
I'm okay, that's good. Thanks for coming out everybody.
Nice, nice, nice. Well, I was thinking earlier
today and again we talked about this a bit of the Round Table.
Hold on. I need a crinkle this bag into
the my cute closer. There you go.
Yeah, I'm leaving it all in. I'm leaving it in.
See this is that's I just yeah it's fine.
It's authentic its own aesthetic.
Experience is what I was thinking earlier today about
How? When I'm let's say, I'm playing
a boss monsters. One of my favorite card games,
it's a dungeon building game. So you have you have Heroes that
come out into in like Heroes that come out, each turn of the
game and you build a dungeon such to kill those here.
It's basically, you gain points from killing Heroes you lose
points when they hurt you, it's awesome, highly recommend.
But the idea behind the game is you know there, there are
certain cars that work well with other cards, you know, like a
card game is and finding out what the best version of a play
is given the I'll have one of my favorite things in the world.
It's so satisfying to go all in a play this which doubles the
value of this card, which and then I have this spellcard, I'm
gonna be like bound to slap it on the table.
Like that's so satisfying to me. But because people with ADHD
have working memory, akin to somebody who's very invades
advanced in age. So we have that sort of slow.
What was I? What was it again?
Oh I thinking like we do that and so when I arrived at that
conclusion, when I realize, this is how I want to play these
cards. This is how I'm going to win
this game or this is Joke, I'm going to make when I play this
whatever it is. I have to get there several
times because every time I get there it fades away it's sort of
like I'm trying to think of an analogy sort of like I don't
know if you were to draw like a word on the beach and then the
waves wash over it. And then come back and it's gone
again but you can still kind of see it and then you can draw it
again and then you can still kind of I have to get there
several times over and over until eventually it stays there
for long enough to me to actually play a turn that
goddamn game and play. And that can be very frustrating
with other. People.
And I used to be, and in some ways, still am.
Very insecure about that because I feel like I'm taking away from
the experience of other people in the game.
And I played with people who, like, get really mad at me and
game and I play with people who are just extremely accommodating
and very nice about it. And over the years, my
acceptance of that, part of myself of like, oh I have this
disorder, it's a whole thing. One of the symptoms of that
disorder is that my working memory is garbage and that's
just is what it is. And I can Up strategies, to make
that to alleviate that I can communicate with people hope
they understand that, that kind of stuff is going to happen, and
if that's not okay, then perhaps don't play blocks monster with
me because that's what's gonna happen and learning to accept
that and learning to just go. That's the way it is and that,
you know, that's who I am. And that's just fine.
It kind of opens this weird door, that's kind of scared to
approach of holy shit. What other areas of my life?
Am I really insecure about that? I've been forcing myself to nor
trying to not Cept my the entire 27 years of my life that I need
to just go, you know, that's just the way it is.
And if there's somebody who enters my life, who who can't
deal with the way that I pack for a trip, or the way that I go
shopping. Sorry, that's what it is.
You know, bold of you to call that packing.
I also I also want this is nothing to do with anything but
I just need to acknowledge that like five minutes ago.
Yeah, you said yes I try to think of the best version of a
play and And immediately I went well, is it the Ian McKellen
Hamlet, or the, or the, or the David Tennant.
And I have not list. I'm not a Tenon.
I say this with every piece of love that I have for you in my
heart, I have not listened to a fucking word.
You said, because I've been trying to decide what my
favorite version of Hamlet is like, I was like, he's gonna
stop talking at some point and I'm going to have to, like, make
a joke or something, because he's gonna know that I wasn't
listening, but he doesn't ended question.
I was thinking about David Tennant, wearing a t-shirt for
one. I mean, I'm saying this to a
person with two masters degrees and Shakespeare.
So I got my already lost play, and I got really distracted.
I'm sorry, it's play. It's in the name of the
convention. Kitty.
It is how you're gonna, you're gonna Fair?
Well, yeah, maybe like, feeder, where you McKellen?
My gosh. First off, it's got to be the
David Tennant version because it's Patrick Stewart as a ghost.
It's amazing. Oh my God, it is pretty good but
also don't worry. Katie, I got you.
Thanks bud. I'm not ready for that.
I really mean it. I'm not I'm not doing this.
I'm I'm not know. Part of me is mad or insecure or
many things. I trusted you too.
Now Be sure to wrap because it's rabbit into something relevant
buds being butts butts being buds but like genuinely.
Like I I've had it. That's another thing.
I've had a lot of people get mad at me for well they'll do like a
whole thing. They'll like give me an
impassioned speech or something. But because a bus drove by that
was exactly the color of my parent's car when I was a kid,
suddenly I went on a whole thing, remembering the swimming
trips to the YMCA, just off for 20 minutes and all of a sudden
they like stop talking and are looking at me for an answer and
I'm like, oh God man, I'm so sorry.
Like and I feel generally I feel like I've insulted that person
and I and over the years after I've learned more about about
ADHD and my ADHD and how it manifests for me.
I've it's sort of in some ways sort of success like a litmus
test. Yeah we're you know if you can't
deal with that then perhaps we're not destined to be super
close friends and that's fine. You don't have to be amazingly
close friends with people but you should accept yourself and
you can I don't think you should.
Deny who you are to just meld, I don't want to make too much
larger of a point that I'm trying to make great, but I
watched you dangerously beer beer, beer, yeah.
Okay, so here's my question. Then friend, do you know, do you
feel like, no? Sorry, cool.
Thanks for coming out, everybody.
Bye. I will do that joke nine more
time. So feel free to laugh.
Like every time I fake stop podcast because my favorite joke
to make I do, it's like I do that.
And then I also That that same year olds action is going to
come out and recruit us to The Avengers at the end of the
podcast. That's also my second favorite
joke to make you think you're the only superhero in the war.
I know. I know.
But whatever you say is, do you think that then like the action
of like, not the action but like the way that gaming Works, do
you think that it is highlighting your strengths
bless you? Or do you think it is
highlighting your insecurities or both?
Oh, I definitely think hard. To hitting questions goodies
into those good. I definitely think both also
bless you. Not because you sneeze just in
general. You can't just throw up.
I definitely think it's both. And I think and I think that's a
good thing I do because gaming is gaming.
If done in the way that I think gaming should be in a way that's
like respectful and safe and and, and welcoming and accepting
great. It's It's a place that's it's a
safe place to be able to forget something or to be able to have
time Linus and not realize that you've taken ten minutes looking
at your cards because they're a high State, their situations in
your life, where that's a big deal, you know, if you're
driving your car and you have a severe lack of working memory
that like, oh, that's right. The stop lights on or whatever.
There's situations where ADHD symptoms are dangerous.
Do you know if you wanted HD on average?
Live 13, untreated HD, live 13 years less than people without
it. I didn't know that you You know
that I did shout out to DJ PJ, I'm gay.
I'm good old Deidre Peters. Go follow a DJ P.
JM D. On on tick, check, he's
fantastic. But there are high stakes
situations where we're testing yourself to see how good your
memory is, or whatever is really bad or really danger?
I don't say bad but it's dangerous, Thai sticks.
If you mess up, it's really bad. But in a gaming setting it's
just it's just a game, the stakes are low.
And if you're with people that you love and accept and who love
and accept you, then it's okay to have.
Those things in to explore those parts of your brain and figure
out is this something I can get better at and develop strategies
about. Is this something that I have to
accept, you just, I told you just did your I disagree with
your face well here because because my, my initial risk my
immediate initial response was no.
The point is to win Eric and if you don't win, what's the pay
like if you're not good because that's that's that's me.
That's that's my thing is, I is I don't want to hurt anybody's
feelings but I do want to absolutely Destroy you and and
just prove my dominance in like that's why I don't play Settlers
of Catan anymore because I've lost too many friends because
like that's because that's like my thing and I like, but I know
that about myself and like, that's why I don't like play
games with people. I don't know.
Very well. Huh.
Because like, my like weird, like burnt out gifted kid brain
is like, I must win it all kind. Never use that voice before, but
that's what it looks like inside my head.
How did you arrive? How did you arrive at that
conclusion, that you, because of that, you Shouldn't play games
with certain because it's because it's no fun to play with
the jerk. Who's like, I must win at all
cost, except that, I am going to apologize for everything at the
same time because I don't want to hurt your feelings, which is
a very, it's, it's frustrating. It's frustrating to play games
like that but also haha to take your point and to build upon it.
Oh my God. I know is it?
That is that's how I feel a lot about like just life in general.
Is that my like my whole thing is Is like, I want to be the
best, but also, I will apologize the entire time because I feel
like I'm probably inconveniencing, you somewhat in
my quest to do. So my infinite Quest, if you
will. Hey, There It Is.
She said the name of the show in the show.
Do you think you recognizing that that happens in a gaming
setting? Do you think that I don't know
what the term would be? If it's make better?
Or do you think that remedy? I don't say remedies it makes it
sound like it's an awful thing. Yeah.
You think that makes this idea that you have to win at all
costs but also you feel really bad about and have to apologize.
Do you think you noticing that in a gaming setting makes that
again, I want to choose my words carefully but I also do want to
just pause for 327 like 10, 10 s.
Tensing was about but screw it. Did you think it makes it worse
in real life having noticed that in gaming or do you think it's
sort of different version of the question?
You asked me? I built it.
I did something different. I started playing D&D.
Oh, she's you don't, you can't win.
Oh yeah. Is that why?
I dear listeners and dear audience?
Hello, we recently started playing Minecraft?
Yeah. And I can tell that it does
something to / for you. I don't know if it's like a good
thing or a bad but it definitely is something's happening up
there. I'm wondering because Minecraft
isn't a traditional game where like you defeat the thing and
then you're done like you can never beat Minecraft.
You're just always Billy. Also, I want you to know is like
infinitely stressful to me that you can't because I have spent a
lot. Like the amount of time that
I've spent thinking about the fact that I will never find all
the diamonds in Minecraft, like it.
Physically hurts me on the inside of my brain, but I've
accepted that and I've moved on with these are the things that I
worry about in my life. I'm like, I'm never gonna find
them all. It's like the opposite of
Pokémon, huh? But yeah, but that's why I like
2nd so much because there's no there's no like there's like you
achieve a goal but you achieve a goal together run so and so but
that's what I like. But then then like to sort of
like I'm gonna keep making like a little sandwich of like the
Fucking point. But then also then that becomes
a conversation about managing minor divergency if you will at
the gaming table. She said you know but like use
one that panel them but then that becomes that becomes the
comp the the competition. The competition that becomes the
conversation is it becomes like okay so I know that like I
Deeply and fundamentally loathe playing Settlers of Catan, which
I know is a very unpopular opinion but it's fine.
I accept it. The Sabres.
I refuse to play munchkins like Chris loves munchkins.
He loves it so much. We have like, every expansion at
her house, I will not play that goddamn game.
You could not pay me money to play that game.
But like that I play D&D and it's like, okay, well there's no
specific. Like it's a goal, it's an
accomplishment that you're achieving together with whoever
you're playing with, but then it's like, okay, but now I have
to create a system. Where I can accomplish that.
I have to create the, the means by which to do that and then
that becomes like the real-life sort of like I don't want to say
the word Quest but like the the goal is like okay, because I
know that like I can't do a five-hour DND session like I
can't I can't do it. My brain, my brain can't people
are like yes in the audience and then like on top of that, it's
like like at the table. It's like, I have to have
something to do. I have to have a Inning wheel or
something cool, you know, and, and, and that kind of thing.
And so then it becomes like a gate, like not like a game but
like a, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I know, I did. I like to just Trail off.
Well, that's that's great. Is it just a just like Dandy?
You never like reach the thing? It just constantly.
It's a dragon. What?
Why would ask like? So we're gonna do the I am a
relatively new D&D player who are there to the majority of The
people I've met in the last year or so and I'm like in real time
having those experiences of like I can love playing Dean.
It's like one of my favorite things to do but minor
emergencies. My ADHD and my depression they
get in the way free. My ADHD is like it's sort of
like why am I thinking of analogies that don't need to
exist, who cares? It's like it's slow.
Well oh God gaming analogy. Boom you know when you have like
a boss that has a lot of health and Won't you don't have any
like, really heavy hitting moves, so you just have to,
like, pick away at it with arrows.
You know, just slowly. Yeah, that's sort of what my
ADHD does. Like the toolbox in the, in the
logo that I never mind. It takes two.
Yeah, remember the Tyler. Yeah, the toolbox, that was a
weird week and a half and we're streaming that game that was
very weird and then, they just kind of, never mind, you know
what don't? Anyway, let's play that game.
If you're, if you're the people that made, it takes you, it's a
beautiful game, totals Grand job but you You you need to go to
therapy. I don't know who hurt you and
why. But for fuck's sake?
What an elephant ever do to you. She's okay.
Oh some people have played. Thanks to okay.
Okay but it's my THC is sort of like that picking away thing
where my depression is more like your big move that you get like
one of every whatever. When you just, what is it going?
I'm thinking this is. Look, you look like Matt Damon
and the 1990s movie, okay, this better then, why did you Agent.
That's valid. That's why I'm sorry.
It's all I could focus a little change it again.
You look like you were going to be really good at math.
Yeah. Yeah that's the one arun's
whereabouts. I was going for Good.
Will Hunting / rounders kind of scares you.
You did look like you're going to try and scam me at poker
later. Cool.
All right, I gotcha. So anyway about that cool point
that I'm sure you were making. I'm sure I'm sure it was cool
but my ADHD was like the picking a Say where's my depression?
Is like a big like it's your. It's your why attack if you're a
if you're an Xbox player or its you're trying to attack if
you're a PlayStation player or whatever where my ADHD in like
let's say a D&D session. Let's say a three hour one which
is fucking long. If it each day long, it's long
in general, but it's really long.
If you have any HD like I want to be able to play D&D for for
three hours straight, but the entire time I ADHD is picking
away from the outside just like you're forgetting that number
that you needed to remember, you're forgetting what static
correlates with you're forgetting.
You know, is it was an animal handling or was it intimidation.
You're all the whole time, none of them are catastrophic, but
they're all just debilitating, just poking away.
Poking away, poking away your fight.
Where's my depression? Is like the why we're at any
moment? All the sudden, boom, health bar
reduced to zero. I am done with this game and
that happens to me all day. Every day of my life.
We're like right now, as we're recording this, my ADHD is
making me forget points. My ADHD is I'll think of the
word that I need but then I was away but then it comes back with
an it goes away again. And my depression is just behind
the corner. Just waiting, just waiting MIT
just deciding whether or not. It's going to decide to come
around while we're sitting here in front of these people.
And that's fine. That's the reality that that we
use in our diversion, people exist in, is that we live with
those things. And that's just is what it is
and gaming can serve as an amazing.
I don't know if it's a canvas or or Arena, but that's not a bad.
I like thinking of my mental health as a battle but D and D
is, I'm now in real time having that experience, overlaid onto
the experience of playing ADHD, which I love.
And I also play it with people that I love.
So it's a very intimate, very important pointing experience.
And it's almost like, I'm introducing my ADHD in my
depression to this new, like I have a, this new, like
girlfriend or something, who's, like, coming in.
And I'm like, do you like I had a point, but you've had your
finger on your nose for a while. So, I'm curious.
What was the question, okay. You know what I was gonna say is
that I won. Things that I think is really
interesting because I've played D&D for a really long time.
Is the pressure that I feel to it.
Like, I notice a like conform Nan, but like, the pressure that
I feel to, like, fit in at a table that is not built for me
and like, and really like and I don't like I'm really nervous to
tell the story because I know the person whoever it telling
the story about listen to the podcast.
But like I'm going to tell the story because I feel like it's
important. But so I play a couple of
different games 15D D. And we were one of the people
that I play with was talking about how frustrating it was to
play the one of the games that I'm in, because we only ever
stream for like an hour and we, you know, we play for an hour
and and they're, they're saying that like, it's just so
frustrating because I can't get anything done.
And it's something that an hour short.
Yeah. And they're saying that an hour
of short and they like and there's like a big like rant
about it and stuff and I was sitting there and I was like I'm
the reason why we only play for an hour.
Because during session 0, like I looked at our DM and I was like,
I can't do before our session like I can't, I cannot do it and
so they made the decision like instead of just like recording
for hours at a time, we would just do one at a time and it
would be fine. And so then and then everybody
else dropped in and they were like, yeah, like it'd be so
nice. I can we just please get more
done. I was like oh cool I'm just
gonna. Yeah, yeah, it's cool.
And so then I was like well what it?
Because I want to keep playing and I really like the game and I
love the character but it's like II don't know how to mitigate
like that conversation. When it's like, I'm the one
who's like? Well I can't because my brain
gets itchy like well, I think I mean, it's like, embarrassing,
you know. Yeah, I for one.
I mean, I'm I don't know what it's worth, but I am genuinely
proud of you for doing that. That's not easy.
I really mean it and I'm sorry that it happened a little bit.
He's okay. And you don't owe them an
explanation. He just don't.
What was your question that was like, 10 years ago?
But No, but I call my gosh it's happening in real time in front
of people it's hey though it's fine.
I'm on it. I don't care, it's cool.
Normally when this happens when we're just recording together, I
can just cut this part out but now it's like let's find the
bear witness to Bear, witness. Yeah, thank you very much.
We thought about editing or anything out like all of my like
And then we're like, we don't have a 12 hours.
Well, I was thinking I have this to those.
You're spinning prop game. Yeah, it's pretty strong hand.
Prop game is just like, overnight that she had to those
listening, my firt. My foot in explicably got hurt
as his wants to happen with people with ADHD and so I'm
walking around the cane and I'm loving it.
I feel like I should be diagnosing people with like
staphylococcus. There's something like that, you
know. Yes the incredibly rare disease
of Staff. That's not very so it's not
that's the joke you're making. Yeah.
I'm kind of caught up. I got up.
I'm like, I like I always say I'm like that little fish that
swims beneath the shark, you know, pick her up because of all
the scraps, you know, I'm a little behind you, when I'm
there. No.
But what I want to say, I think something that I would love for
people to understand about ADHD. I remember the first time I
heard someone say this was, it was Thomas C, Brown, who used to
be the director of the Yale. It was the Yale was not program.
It was the Yale department or something like that for
attention and Related Disorders, you know, as a private practice
in California, by the way, But he said the important thing to
understand about ADHD is one that everybody experiences the
symptoms of ADHD. That is universal.
Human Experience. We all forget things, we all
misplace our keys. We all do something and we think
it's only been a couple minutes when really?
It's been a very long time or we think it's been a very long time
when it's actually been a very short time, we all do that, but
the thing about ADHD is it happens all the time and really,
really badly and importantly, not by choice.
It's not a matter of I can play for Hours.
But screw all of you. I'm putting my, you know, my
needs in front of all or my wants in front of your needs.
Like I'm deciding that I don't want to do this because I'm
selfish or something. I cannot like when I was a kid,
I was trying to do the reading for class.
I loved the subjects, I was studying, I would love to do the
reading. I could not because I couldn't
get more than a couple sentences before the sentence.
It's that I had read had drifted away like smoke and the new ones
were coming in and I think that's really important to
understand. So in a DND context when you're
saying like, Like I can only play for an hour.
I'm not saying like after an hour I'm gonna be like, I don't
want to play after an hour. My brain is going to start to
turn in on itself. Yeah, I'm going to start
forgetting what your names are. I mean, why don't you speak for
you? But for me, it's like, I'm gonna
start forgetting your name's. I'm going to start forgetting
like what day it is. I'm going to start forgetting
what time it is. And after three hours, like I'm
going to just be sitting there like just grunting thinking I'm
talking like it's not a matter of wants versus like it's I need
this. I'm not going to play if we get
to I can't play and I think that's really important
understands and I think and again in a gaming context it can
be if done the way that I like to play games, it can be done in
a place where it's safe to do that.
We're be the people you're with or accepting and they're trying
to elevate each other. Not just I mean it's like he's
accompanying a lot of games are competitions are still trying to
win. Yeah, but it's done in a way.
I like to play games in a way where you're safe and you're
accepted. If you say those things and I
think gaming can be can be A really amazing I get sort of
thing to Overlay that on yeah you know because it's fun and
it's whimsical in their bright colors and shipped.
Without the question, I want to ask you is because since I'm
coming to the DND world, like relatively new ish, my ADHD in
my depression or interacting with ADHD and did my ADHD
depression in real time. And I'm, I'm found my, I'm
finding myself and this Zone that I've been in so many times
before when I start a new hobby or start reading a new thing or
start trying to play new. Some music or something, where I
have to develop new strategies to manage minor diversions.
And so you lovely experienced player.
I was wondering, I mean you were diagnosed with ADHD more
recently than I but I was wondering, well, what do you do
during a DND session? Let's say you're the middle of
it and you session and for whatever reason like you want to
keep playing and you know, like, what are you, do you have
strategies? I do.
I have a lot. I have a lot of strategies.
What and I think honestly like it ties into the fact that I was
diagnosed so late because I didn't know what I was dealing
with. I just know.
No, I just knew that if I wanted to do the thing that I fucking
loved to do, I had to figure out ways to keep up with with
everybody else. And so, like our three where I'm
like, white-knuckling through, I still had to have a system, so I
could participate because it but that was the thing is like I
like I noticed my performance like as you know, as like time
goes on but I mean a lot of them are like, this is the part where
I go. We'll have you considered like
talking to each other. Like it's like the like really
like No one class. But like I mean a lot of my
stuff is really just 101 stuff. Like I take notes like weirdly
copious notes but I also get like a very specific notebook.
I have like a very specific notebook that I buy off at
Amazon and it's laid out a very certain way and it's because
there's like a bar and a bar and a box in a box.
And so, like my info goes here and my, like, my like play info
goes here, and my doodles go here, because you got to have
doodle space. That's like, Whole thing to hear
it. The knotting, the not, I'm
validation, but yeah, like and you know, but then also like
that's a separate conversation. Like this is this is going to
get really weird and conceptual really very quickly but like
they're like. Okay.
So I have my little Dino, Dino fidget toy but like the dino
fidget toys like step a of like BC and D because it's never just
I have a dino toy, right? It's But I know toy.
Hey DM, just so you know, like I'm gonna have a little dino toy
because whatever. Now, I got to answer questions
about the dino toy. Like now I got like, drove
great, do you think? And so that's the thing.
It's like. And I remember like so good when
hold on, I'm gonna get it back. Wait for it, wait for it.
Okay, fuck was I talking about? Jenna told ABC.
Ah, ha ha, thank you. Um, when I was in school, I used
to get in trouble all the time for not paying attention because
I was drawing and I was like, no, that's how I pay attention.
Like, I have to be drawing something but like I will I draw
robots. Like that's the weird little
Doodles that I do. I drew I make up little robot,
guys, but as I'm drawing the robot, I'm like, listening to
the thing and I'm going, okay, like so when I drew this robot
like that was, when we were talking about, you know, I don't
know, like, Woodrow Wilson and then like, okay, now like we're
going like, you know, so like I associate what I'm doing but
like I always will I have ADHD. So I need to over explain Thing
but to an outside Observer who like doesn't know what's going
on, like how dare you bring you a spinning wheel to my gaming
table you asshole? Like, you know what I mean?
It's like, no, like that's just that you're passing the time,
you've got something to do with your hands, you've got something
to focus on and you can participate and you fucking
spinning world is badass. If you're not, if you're
listening at home, I should mention there is a spinning
wheel. I forgot to say that earlier,
that's why I keep talking about spinning wheels.
I'm not doing like a weird Rapunzel thing, right?
Now that's fine. Sleeping Beauty.
Total is wrong. That's wrong, wasn't it?
It's fine. It doesn't matter.
Moving on. But so that's the thing.
It's like, it's like, there's like the process of like having
your system, but then, they're still bringing your system to
the table. Whether it's like, I'm going to
have a spinning wheel or going to have notes, or I'm going to
have my little Dino fidget boy and like bringing that to the
table can often times be the hardest part.
And that's why Eric, that's why I'm passionate.
In about doing what I do because more often than not, like, I've
been the person at the table who's, like, getting made fun of
for like, having the spinning wheel, or I'm getting made fun
of for like, oh my God, like, can't you pay attention or like
why can't you know like oh we're going to go for 12 hours today.
Surprised. And I'm like fuck and so
building awareness of like how easy it is to just let somebody
have their Spinning Wheel. Let somebody doodle and let
somebody have their fidget toys and not make it a thing and not
make it a whole process where you have to, like, feel like you
have to To justify the existence of your of your, you know, Dino
fidget. Like I think that's really
important and that is why like I've started doing this thing
because I just I think it's like it's it's it feels easy.
It feels easy but it seems so hard and I don't, I don't know
why why, when you brought up the doodling thing is I think II
hate to use the word trauma. If I'm not certain about it
because I don't want to, I don't want to to dilute the term.
But I think a lot of a lot of my own personal hesitancy to, with
doing the things that I have to do to pay attention or to
remember, or to listen, or whatever it is comes directly
from being in school. All of it from preschool, all
through high school and having the teacher Go, Eric, Eric, put
it in stop, whether I'm doodling, or playing with
something, or whatever in front of the whole class and
eventually I think, At some point in high school.
I was like, screw 100% of that and I was just like, no, I'm
going to keep doing like, look at my test words are like, I'm
paying attention, you know. How also, how satisfying was it?
I don't, I don't observe any, what a teacher would say like
Eric, you know, pay attention? It was like, oh, I am.
And they would say the my phone. Yeah, well what did I just say?
And then he'll be like, Boo is right back at them and they just
like all my teachers were Bulldogs.
Winston Churchill was not very churchillian of you that was
not. But I remember this is this is
also the case with reading and listening to music and video
games and listening to podcast. But I associate the information
that's coming in with the thing that I was doing at the time so
if I was wrong a specific, you know, robot or something and
they say like, Bilateral. Guide Andrew morphic
hermaphroditism, or something like that.
That's true story. I'll get to it.
You won't. I'll, I'll look, if I come
across that robot doodle. Again, I'll medially go back
that lateral got into a motor. That's why.
That's why I that's the same thing.
It's a yeah, I have like a recall button.
It's not which was that realization to me was fasting
because at first I thought it was like oh this is something
that I have to do to just be like to just, you know, get my
head above water, right? But no, this is actually a legit
strategy. Like this isn't just how What I
need to do to be okay, like, this is actively making me good
at studying and how I got through school.
And if I listen to a podcast while playing, you know, Red
Dead Redemption or something like that.
Every time I pass it, this this church all remember, exactly
what they were talking about, in the podcast, when I pass that
church, there's the TV show Q. I was Stephen Fry.
Although, I don't think he has any more highly recommend.
By the way, it's on BBC, they just bring up interesting facts,
all the time, and I was playing GTA San Andreas, and I had the
flying cars mon on, and I was trying to get to the top of like
this tall building in GTA San Andreas.
Reyes and Stephen Fry, bought up, the condition of bilateral
guy named Andrew morphic hermaphroditism, which is when
an animal is split directly down the center, right?
And their, their sex, like their, their cellular sex is
split like in a line down the sidewalk.
Yeah, frogs chickens and lobsters.
It's most common in and I remember hearing this word as I
was doing that and then the next day, I was playing GTA again.
And I was turning in and it was like bilateral, got injured
worker form, a freshman I was 10 years ago.
Now, Eric I want a nice Remember the friggin work term.
Yeah I'm going to say this and I'm gonna I'm gonna be filled
with regret but I want you to know that I've decided that you
know how I got you Ruth Goodman for your birthday.
Yeah, IMA get you Steve don't do that.
I don't know what I would do. I would freak out hard?
I've decided, I don't know, it's not my goal, give me some prep
time for us, because I'm gonna know.
I got to read everything he's ever written.
I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna be like, hey, we have somebody
coming on and then it's just going to be surprised Stephen
Fry's. Its gonna be like, when Troy me,
Eats meat. So.
What's the guy's LeVar Burton and Community?
I only wanted a picture. It's once again.
Remind you that. Like, if that ever, if you ever
like LeVar Burton whirring, that's exactly what will happen.
What if, what if, what if we do it on the same day?
What if we log into the zoom call?
And they're two extra boxes and Hasty Friday LeVar Burton.
And Stephen Fry have a conversation on infant Quest and
we're not there. Giggles, you guys we're kind of
busy you guys. Mind, got our friends.
Just I don't, what's your name again?
Stephen, Stephen and we've are going to be, so I was thinking
about it and I was thinking that we have this whole room of
people. Yeah, that I'm very pointedly
not looking at because I'm so nervous.
So if any like should we do like questions, what?
Should we do? I'm down to do questions.
I'm I'm still in this phase of doing the pockets were like, why
the hell would people want to ask me questions to do just some
dude? Like what I'm trying to get over
that it hand, instantly went. Oh, there you go.
So okay, you got like be loud though, because we are lazy and
we only set up on Mike's. Yeah.
Hi crystals. That form a crystal.
So I've been writing notes while you've been through this.
Give yourself permission to Holy, be yourself and take up
space. That nothing is wrong with you
and you deserve to participate and be accepted.
That is the whole idea. Like I love that question.
I love that question because that is that is absolutely what
I mean especially I think with ADHD and D like yeah, that's
what we're trying to do. Here's a secret announcement.
I don't know if we I don't know if we told people this yet, I
know you're talking we're going to be but we're like after.
Play on con. We're going to be going to Gen
Con and we're going to be, I know.
Yeah. And we're going to be actually
teaching a workshop about accessibility in gaming and
talking to like new game designers and talking about how
to like bring in like different neuro types and like make your
instructions accessible because there's nothing worse.
I can't do. Then an instruction manual.
Oh my God. That just dislike just words.
You're just like, why are you do you hate us?
How is the amount of times? I've been trying to get in on a
game in the DM will just hand me.
The player's handbook and just go read this or like know, I'm
sorry. I'm gonna what I'm gonna look at
a 40 minute YouTube video. Crank It Up to 2x speed and
watch though. That's yeah, perfect.
And, and so, yeah, so I mean, like I, that's ever since all of
this started that is, I think, for, I don't want to speak for
Eric, but like that has been thing that we keep coming back
to, is that the like I always thought, like, I always thought
that I had to be this, like, version of myself.
Like, I had to be this like, perfect Kate.
I had to be this like person who like had their shit.
Together and like knew what was going on in whatever.
But then, once I started talking about the difficulties, once I
started being honest about the fact that like, I, it fucking
sucks to not be able to play D and E for three hours.
But like, I can't. And the more I started talking
about that. The more like heads would start
nodding and art digital audience if you will.
And so like, that's, I think kind of how we ended up here
doing this is my like again, I don't talk for you, but like,
that's what I wanted to do is That and I'm learning every day
that like it's okay to not be able to play DOD for 3 hours.
Like it's not a moral failing there, isn't anything inherently
wrong with me. Just, that's how my brain works.
And so if your brain says, sorry you don't get 7 h d-- u d--
sessions cool like go find people who appreciate one-hour
sessions and play with them you know like yeah that's a great
question. Yeah, really I think one of the
the things that I was really surprised most about when we
started doing this was a lot of We would Katie and I would do an
episode about something and we would immediately afterwards got
that was fucking garbage. That was the worst thing we've
ever made. How dare we show this to people
but you know it's our job and so we're like okay and we put it
out and I'm always shocked this happens every time we'll get
messages or emails from people saying it's just nice to hear
people talk like we do and that fucking gets me.
Fuck me happy because I my whole life I Especially in school, my
whole life. I was told like you're great.
If only if you could just be, you'd be amazing, such a good
student, you're so smart. But yeah.
And that was my fucking fault and it took really until I met
you. I think that I realized that not
only is this not a moral failing or my fault who Writing these
rules where I'm not allowed to be this way.
Like who said, who says, that I can't do, who says, I can't
stutter and change my train of thought four times.
Perhaps, that's not the best way to be as if you're a podcaster.
Apparently it's okay. Perhaps if certain professions
that doesn't lend itself well to but I don't give it I'm not a
doctor or a podcast host or anything.
I'm Eric, God damn it. And that's how I'm going to be
and that's okay. And the question I guess to
bring it To gaming. Does I play games in a certain
way? And I love games first for
certain reasons and I try to find people that are
accommodating to those ways and appreciate games for the same
reasons that I do. And I've met people who have
like changed my life profoundly for the better by deciding.
Like, I'm going to be accommodating and respectful to
others, but I'm also going to be myself, you know, I'm going to
try not to hurt the pain people, of course, but I'm also going to
be myself, or am I going to apologize for?
That's not to say that? I don't, that's, that's
something that I aspire to, but, you know, I don't know.
Another question, I have a point and a question.
I'm not sure. Your bike is picking up and
you've got to be meters off, and this is too long.
Let me know. Fine, please, bye.
I was diagnosed at 52 and live my whole freakin life with my
ADHD. Not being recognized as anything
other than a than a failure. Yeah, yeah, I was right, you
know, I went to school in the 70s and 80s and even though they
knew what hyperactivity was they didn't.
First and anything about, you know, like and I and then like,
even when I started working, I would negotiate with my
employers. I'm like, look, I'm going to be
late, I'll do other people's side, do whatever it takes for
you to forgive me being late. What can I do to compensate like
it? And I would sit there and
negotiate how, and I self-diagnosed in ways that so
don't ever like, I absolutely I'm in the big sad right now in
my life because I'm having to look back over my history and
go, if only people knew then what they know now, yeah, my
life would have been infinitely better and you're growing up in
a very, very better world than I did.
I am so happy for you to thank you.
I mean it's that's when you said if we knew then what we know now
I think that's we don't have like a mission statement, I
think on our website or something like that, but I think
our mission statement is like we want it to say the things that
We wish somebody can said to us, when we were younger.
Yeah. Like I think Katie I'm sorry, we
just want like a really long time, writing a mission
statement, and its really good. And we definitely have it was
really funny. Go past Eric, and Katie.
I was able to hyper fixate on games.
Hmm. And then why when you know was
my ADHD started getting me distracted I would do things
like go attack the snacks or not you know or do or I go into the
book and start reading the rules to try to and like I read three
books a week in high school during school.
Hmm. You know what kind of things do
you hyper fixate on that. Allow you to like enjoy the
things you enjoy. You know, that's I've been what?
What what what month is it changes?
I mean, I've done papermaking bookbinding palindrome writing.
That's that's more of a long. Two pounds.
Room writing is really fun. I make models out of coffee.
Stirrers! I?
What else? Oh, I like making wire
sculptures, but none of those things alone.
It's always something else, too. I'm always doing those things.
While a podcast or a movie or documentary, or whatever is
playing. So for me, personally, it's a
lot. I like ending up with a physical
product at the end of what I'm doing.
I like having a thing that I mean ever since I was a little
kid, my favorite thing to do is to make a thing and go look at
this thing. Like, hey, tell me, I'm smart
and cool, you know, whatever. So for me, it's a lot of making
stuff. It's a lot of making stuff and I
get those. Jimmy's also somewhat for making
like digital stuff editing, whatever building stuff in
Minecraft, 3D modeling, whatever it is.
But for me, it's a lot of physical things.
So I think somewhere deep down, I just, this is a whole
different story, but just to just to just because it's really
contextualizes who I am there is this gifted program in my
elementary school called academically talented and I
didn't get into it and for a bunch of reasons I won't get
into, that was a massive deal to me.
And so, from that point on, I just want people to tell me, I'm
smart. Like, that's all I want.
And so, but not in the conventional way because they
told me I couldn't do that because I'm not a conventional
guy. They like, I'm not going to be
the guy. Who gets the homework in early.
I'm never going to be that guy, but I can be the guy who sits in
a room with a bunch of coffee, stirrers and comes out with a
boat five hours later, I can be that guy.
So I'm going to be really good at being that guy and the
feeling that I get when I show somebody something and and a lot
of some of it selfish because I want them to think I'm smart but
also the look on their face when they go fuck like I didn't know
you could do that with like in making their day a little better
or a little more Vivid because of something I did.
It's like I mean it's this is a little trite but it's not.
It's an honor. And I think what we're doing is
is perhaps in some ways, an extension of that, I think.
There is a question in the back. It was a long time.
I was diagnosed with very young age very very supportive parents
was medicated large part of my life and those teen years and
started. No.
And then remember, specific specific moms were pretty much
my life turnarounds, because I got back on litigation, figure
it out that I didn't tell anybody took it and also I'm
certain that this complements that doing so much better.
You're paying attention about. How do you guys feel about
medication helping with any kind of today?
Yeah I mean I always say this like medication is a tool, it's
not a cure-all, it's not like a magical, fairy comes down and
like your problems are so limited.
It's a tool. And for for some people it is a
very very effective tool for Me like the story I always tell is
I was I was diagnosed the day before my 30th birthday and on
my 30th birthday I went and I got my prescription and I took
it and 20 minutes later my life changed and I went oh that's
what this could be like and and then dealing with like that
whole Fallout of like what could have been in the resentment in
the anger and the frustration and all of that aside, you know
but we have people ask us everyday.
Like should I take medication or like Medication a bad thing or
is going to turn me into a speed fiend and it's like, no, but
it's a tool and it's a tool that is absolutely right for some
people and for some people, like, it's all they need and for
other people. It's in conversation with, you
know, like therapy or life skills or coaching, or that kind
of thing. But it's also not
one-size-fits-all. And, and one thing that I'm, and
I don't mind sharing about it, but I like, I don't take
medication on the weekends. And because that is just what
works for me and works for my life and works for my brain.
And a lot of people will. What do you mean?
You don't take your medication all the time?
And I'm like, well, yeah, because like, that's how it
works for me and so, so yeah. I mean, my answer is always the
same. It's, it's a tool if that tool
is right for you. Cool, you know, don't go steal
your little brothers prescription and like try it
out. And go don't do that but like
supervise and you know, used appropriately, like it is a
exceptionally powerful tool for a lot of People, but if you're
able to manage without it, that's fine too.
Yeah. I talk about medication, not as
a medical professional is kind of a dangerous game, but one
thing that I will say outright, is that taking medication is
something that needs to be taken.
Seriously, it is not a light, especially ADHD medications
because they're a bunch of different types of work in a
bunch of different ways. It should be something that
takes is, is taken very seriously.
And I advocate for when you start taking medication, In to
have auxiliary support systems. Now, when say auxiliary cousin
plays with their extra, but having support systems around
you because something that I, we hear this a lot, I certainly
experienced this. I think you certainly
experienced this, there's a period of mourning that happens
when you take medication medication for the first time.
Especially if you take it later in life because you're like,
holy shit, all the Wasted Years spoiler alert, you didn't waste
them, they happened in, you became the person that you are
in your great, but that is the feeling that It's I remember the
first time I took it easy medication was November 9th
2009. I remember the day all of it
because that was the first day that I got to like the things
that I liked. I got to sit in class and go
fuck. This is interesting.
I'm going to read about it. This is I want to draw this
drawing. I'm going to draw it.
And that is, I mean, to the, the shock, wave from that, I still
feel every day. When I take my medication, I
just go God, I remember what it was like before this, and yeah.
And I also, you know, like all tools tools can create be
immensely useful, and wonderful, and they can create amazing
things. They can also really hurt you
really badly. And so again, whatever.
Some people are going to take medication.
That's fine. Some people do take medication
and Great. That's also fine but it's
something that needs to be taken very seriously.
And I also recommend taking a lot of notes while you're taking
them and if you're not very good at taking notes, while you're
having them, then they might not be working very well.
It's kind of funny but it's true.
I mean, when I was at were first taken, I was taking notes, like,
I noticed I would stop taking notes at a certain point of time
of the day so I was like, oh they're wearing off at that
point of the day because I fuck off from the notes.
You know, I was my first F-bomb in this whole episode.
I was gonna see if I can do it. Clean, what you gonna do?
As I've I blew that for you like hours ago.
I thought I saw another hand, but maybe.
Yeah, okay. So one of the things that I had
to learn was that when talking about tools, the things that
make tools useful, is they help you fit into the environment,
you're in and our world is not built generally.
Speaking for people with neurodivergent, yeah, like it's
not built for people with various disabilities but Ways
have you guys found to make your world your environment more
accommodating for you? What what are some of the things
that you have said? I'm not doing that anymore.
I'm going to do this differently.
I put a face on a tablecloth. No, I mean that's a great
question because I think oh man. I probably have an answer, hold
on. Sure.
You just I'm trying to decide you want me to go while you
think of it or do you want a diamond either?
One you go. You go.
I'm gonna tear into the middle distance for a second.
Sure. Well, I think we'll just to list
off like a couple like immediate practical things when it comes
to storing things. For example, I do like modeling
and so so much of tools. Keep them visible drawers.
Can go f themselves. Yeah.
Keep them visible. Like pal, use a pegboard.
So having the whole wall up there, because Something.
That is very common with ADHD is people often say people with
ADHD struggle with object permanence but it's not
challenge. Yes challenge.
Yeah, I love you, I support you huh?
It's not the question you are talking about a system and our
good friend Celestine is talking about ways that you have said
instead of do almost anything Chanel.
Yeah. Oh I don't know.
I don't fold my laundry or my socks or my laundry anymore.
Who said, who said I divide them but I don't fold them who says,
um, I think something that's important is one's kind of ties
into the medication. Question is we don't live in a
world that was built for people with ADHD, or for people with
other version sees. It was built for people without
those things. And so for a lot of people, one
of the reasons they don't take medication is because for their
line of work, or for the way that their life is their ABCs
just fine. My dad is an example of those
people here was a journalist and so he had to be able to switch
from task to task and all that stuff.
But some for some people, the things that they aspire to do
are not do not lend themselves very well.
ADHD and what they have to not because anybody said they should
because you know who they are, they want to be able to do this
thing and I think. So when it comes to the world
not being designed for people that HD I've oh my God, I lost
it. I'm so sorry.
That was such a shitty answer that question.
I had like a whole thing and then I can you did you get to do
it? Your thing, I did you go,
please, please save me. It's I put my I put my underwear
and bins. I know that's dumb but it
changed my life because because here's the thing, it's like my
underwear. A symbolic don't don't because
because that's the thing is like and it kind of ties back to your
question as well because I spent so long just being like, there's
something inherently wrong with me.
There's something intrinsically wrong with me.
Like, I'm a bad person because I can't use drawers, I can't fold
my laundry whatever. And then, the more I started
like looking at my life and the more I started like looking at
these places where I was like spending So much time, so much
energy and so much just just effort just effort to like
fucking match my socks. Like why why?
Who cares? And one of the things that I
started doing was instead of like putting shit away in the
drawer, I just have pins and I go underwear.
Haha binge, take that and people go.
Oh my God, like that. What are you what are you doing?
What are you doing? But that led to then?
Okay, well if I'm doing that that I don't have to match my
socks and if I don't have To match my socks.
Then maybe like all of my laundry can go in bins or like
in a system that makes sense to me.
And if that's the case, well then maybe like my, you know,
like my silverware drawer can be a certain way and if that's the
case, then maybe like my whole kitchen, can be a certain way
and if my whole kitchen to me a certain way, maybe my house can
be covered in Star Wars shit and Muppets and no one is.
I'm an adult, I pay my taxes. You know, like that's fine and
then maybe just maybe if I do that, there are other people in
the world who I need to know that it's okay to put your
underwear in a bin and so I started making tick-tocks and
now I'm here. So somewhere along the line I
learned something. I'm just not sure what it is and
kind of along the lines with hers.
It was about systems, which we kind of already talked about.
But another point is learning to be comfortable in your own skin.
Yeah. And when that happened for you,
I'm in a world that allows A certain amount of eccentricity
air quotes is tolerated for results and in.
So, yeah, you might have people who, you know, they don't work
normal 9 to 5 even though it's 95 office, because they produce
results and they don't care. But a lot of us, especially in
the world. I work in had to learn how to
become comfortable in your own skin and head have systems or
things, you know. So, What are some of the biggest
you guys have a story or? How did you guys become
comfortable off your own skin? To start a podcast to put your
face on the tablecloth? I mean, like I can I answer this
one? Well, mine is pretty short.
I'm not. Yeah, I was in the say I'm I
mean I was going to say the exact same thing like I I've
never once been comfortable in my own skin, like I like and I
realize it's maybe like a really weird way of approaching it.
It like I realized that like I at some point this started
happening like all of this started happening and people,
how do I, how do I, how do I say this?
Like I realized that like maybe not being comfortable in my own
skin was just, as okay as being because I because because if the
goal, if the goal is Is being completely and perfectly
comfortable in my own skin, all the time.
That's never going to happen because I have ADHD and I have
depression and there are days, I don't want to bring the room
down but like there are days when I look in the mirror and
I'm like, you should be dead. Like, you don't deserve to be
here and that's not a comfortable feeling and that's
not a fun feeling. And so what I realized was like,
rather than trying to like go for this, like idealized version
of self-acceptance, where one day I A cup like wake up and I
got my hair looks amazing and I'm beautiful.
And I don't notice that my arms go like this, when I flapping
around like I just said, fuck it.
Fuck it. Like I have something to say and
I feel like I should rephrase. Yeah, no.
It's okay. When did, when did you guys
figure out that it was okay to be uncomfortable?
We've been being quite okay. Okay.
On your own skin. I mean that You're okay with the
fact that you're walking around in a certain level of discomfort
in a room full of people who look like they're completely
comfortable compared to like how you feel.
Mmm, is that the better? You know, that's a good
question. I think.
I still know my answer. Yeah, I think.
Well, I'll try to be brief. I think you got something that I
try to like, say to myself. A lot is says who you're
supposed to sort your silverware and spoons and forks.
Tonight says who why can't I just put them in the drawer?
Altogether says, who I just want to match your socks as who
you're supposed to be 100% comfortable in your skin at all
times says who where did that come from?
Why did we have this idea that that's the case.
And I think we'll part of, I think a lot in try to talk a lot
about masculinity, because I'm a man person and it's there's a
lot of well it's worth. It's necessary to talk about it.
But I, when I was about 18 years old, it was a girl that I like
she worked in the store next to me.
And the co-workers that I worked with notice that I liked her and
they kept begging me to let. Go ask her out.
Go ask her, I'll go ask her out. And I kept saying, like, she
doesn't want me to ask her out. I don't want to ask her out.
I just have a crush. That's what I was thinking but
that's not what I was supposed to do.
I was an 18 year old boy man, whatever you want to think of it
as and we're supposed to we're not spoil alert, do stuff like
that and so I did and she said no and that was the end of it
but I remember thinking I didn't want to ask her.
I liked having a crushing. Why is that not?
Okay. Why is their version of what?
I'm supposed to do? The right version and mine, is
it? And from, then on, I attempted
to, I always Say that I'm attempting to oh I didn't feel
like I've arrived anywhere but I started realizing that there is
no correct version of things I think to borrow something
Stephen Fry said to yeah to fuck me.
What do they call back? He said I think we all sort of
feel like before we were born there was a class in which how
to live, and how to be a person was taught, but we slept in that
day, he didn't go. Everybody else went to that
class. We Didn't there was no fucking
class. There was no, nobody knows what
we're doing. We're all just trying to make
our lives something worth doing and that can look like a
literally infinite amount of things.
And so I don't feel like I'm a million percent comfortable in
my own skin. I hope I'm more comfortable in
my own skin than I was a month ago or a year ago.
But I think the question for me is always do I accept this or do
I change it and when it comes to who I am, Perhaps, I could
change it, but I don't care to, you know, I want to be a better
person in a kind person and a nice person when it comes to the
way that, you know, my brain works of the things that I like
to do with a hobbies that I have.
Who says, who says, I have to be some other way.
Why can't I just be this way? No, no.
That I like looking at you. Do you approve of it's much less
serious and and nice than Eric's but I was a theater major in
college and all I wanted to do from the time that I was very
small to the time I was in college was I wanted to do
theater and I wanted specifically to do musicals, I
wanted to do musical theaters, but at the time I was a much.
Your person. And I went to one of those cool
College Programs, where if you were a larger bodied person, you
were, never going to get to play the aunjanue.
You were never going to get to play the thing.
And so, that taught me very quickly.
Like they were some, that was, there was something inherently
wrong with me. There is something inherently
wrong with like, the physical space that I inhabited.
And the body that I inhabited because I was never going to get
to be the lead. I was, I could be the funny
neighbor. I could be, you know, could be
the evil stepsister, but like you couldn't Fat people don't
fall in love, it's not real. And so I in college that was
when I learned like, okay, well, if that's the case, then I have
to, I have to make do right? Which is very unhealthy.
Like I don't, I'm not pretending like, that's not, but then after
college, I started doing Shakespeare and the company that
I worked for the one of the first shows that I ever saw it
was it was a production of Much Ado.
Got nothing and the woman playing Beatrice and the guy
playing Benedict were both larger body people.
They're both very big people and they were older, they were in
their 40s and I remember going to see the show and I remember
thinking she looks like me. She looks like me in a way that
I've never seen anybody look at the for and I started like
working with this company and what I realized and this it
sounds, it's really trite. But basically what happened was
is that I realized that it wasn't About how I looked or
being comfortable. It was about what I did out.
What I did outwardly that was going to like make the
difference because I could constantly apologize.
It could constantly be like. I'm so sorry for the space that
I'm taking up. But instead I said, you know
what, I'm fucking great at Shakespeare and I deserve I
deserve to play Beatrice, I deserve to placate, I deserve to
play Lady Macbeth, and I have professionally over and over and
over and over and over again because like that, that is What
I was bringing to the table and like that.
Those were the stories that I wanted to tell.
And so, somewhere in there, I was like, it doesn't matter that
like internally, I think I'm always just like, are they gonna
notice? Are they going to notice that I
have a twitch in. My hair is poofy.
Like, yeah, you probably all have, but like I really truly
believe that like the stories that we tell and the words that
we use, like they have worth, and they have meaning, and they
have power. And if I can sit behind this
table, So with my poofy hair and my tick and you know, my flabby
arms and go, you know what like everybody deserves love and
everybody really matters, I don't know.
I think that is cool. Hmm, thank you so much for being
here. I broke my dinosaur.
You can we have, you didn't break your dinosaur, you just
made more fidget. I just I I was so scared.
This is what I was doing or to the table the whole time.
So now that that's that's quality who everybody wants,
buyer March. But thank you so much for being
here. This is the first episode of our
second season. I just moved across the country
to do this. So, thank you so much for being
here on the first of this whole thing.
I don't know, just it really means a lot.
Thank you so much and we'll see you tomorrow.
And that's it. That's the end of this week's
episode and the very beginning of season two.
Oh, yeah. I feel like the sun is rising on
a brand new day in their Birds. Going tweedily dee deep, would,
you know, Eric that there's also music.
There's music in the air. Yeah, the hills are alive, it's
terrifying. But with the sound of music, the
problem being in the same room with you, you're just gonna keep
doing dumb stuff on it hurt. The patreon song so much better.
Patreon song quality upgrade this week.
We have a whole bunch of people to thank because we forgot for
like three weeks while we were moving.
Yes, we did. We forgot.
To do the patreons you song, did you learn in and marlina and
Nicola, and Jennifer and Megan, and Bobby.
We couldn't have done it without you.
Eric you wanted to sing. I did, I did, I did, and thank
you, Nicole, and Kaitlyn, and Leah, and Lucas, and Lucas.
Was just one little kiss, but I needed one more name to sing in
that measure, but I wanted to leave enough names for Katie to
sing. Thank you.
Ali had Nicole by the different Nicole, and Jennifer and
Kaitlyn, and Cinco. Who is a Buckaroo buddy.
I don't know why that matters. He's about Guru, but he's a boy.
Buckaroo, buddy. He's a Buckaroo buddy.
Had, if I go buddy, all you gotta do is go to
patreon.com/scishow. Infinite Quest Shiva.
Wait, give me a bigamy. A big G.
Ready. Ready?
Ready. That's pretty good hours of
rehearsal that we put. Yeah.
Or they really showed I feel like Buddy, it is gonna get
bigger, it is going to get better.
It is gonna get weirder. It is gonna get just so much
more. So from all of us here at
infinite Quest. Thank you so much for your
support. We are so excited for season 2
so yeah, we'll see you next week.
So drink your water. Take your meds.
Nailed it. It was dramatic pause.
I was being all. Dramatic wasn't one of these.
Once again, has a neck, be kind to yourself.
We love you. You forgot to say, be kind of
their, she kind of others and for all of us should have been a
quest. We love you.
We're gonna get it Eric, see if season 2 now with 50% more
blumpkin